Alright class, so we're finishing a bit early today because, and there's no getting out
of it this time, you each have to give each other a compliment.
Last time I let the class go after half an hour, but not today.
We're staying here till you all compliment each other.
Alright, anyone wants to go first?
My mom's picking me up after school.
She says I can't be late.
Your mom's nice.
Can we go now?
No, that's a good effort, but I want you to compliment each other, not each other's moms.
All the moms here are lovely, we know that.
I'll have a go.
Your mom's nice.
Thanks.
Again, everyone's mom's lovely, but we need to compliment each other.
Jessica, I like how you wear your shoes.
They never fall off.
The wooden clogs?
I didn't say I like the shoes because I thought that would lose me some points.
I don't like the shoes, I don't like the clogs, Jessica.
That's a great choice of words there.
Did that feel like a sincere compliment to you, Jessica?
Backhanded.
Yes, because your shoes came off frequently during class.
And I can't really get a good grip, I'm always falling over the place.
I think I am ready to help.
Okay, you're grinning and I'm going to ask you right now.
Is it going to be, no, no.
We'll go back to Jessica later.
Pick someone else.
Tom, Tom, I like how you stopped throwing that paper at Jessica during class.
Don't tell her that, I fancy her though.
I thought that's what you were going to.
I didn't say anything.
Can you strike that from the record?
Okay, I'll go again.
No, I cannot.
I need to inform your parents about who you may or may not fancy.
No.
It's important.
I like how you...
Why is everyone so quick to go to Jessica?
Now is this a compliment for Jessica?
It sure is.
Now...
Sure is, I'm giving a nice compliment to a woman with a lovely mother.
Okay here's the thing, if this is not a compliment, I'm keeping you for detention.
So think about it very carefully.
Is it a compliment?
Yeah.
Against my better judgement, go ahead.
Jessica, I like how you don't change who you are despite no one loving you.
No, stop, stop.
But I like her.
No, you didn't let me finish.
That's good.
Or someone liking you.
I like that you don't...
I like that you don't change regardless of if you're being loved at that current moment.
This isn't fun.
Which you weren't.
It's not.
But now you are.
Look, I stopped you because the first few words were great.
I like...
Try two or three more.
This is just confirming that people don't like me.
I know that you were once unloved and now somebody does like you.
Now you're staying for detention, you know that right?
What?
Yeah, that was not a sincere compliment.
Wow.
Even though it doesn't sound sincere, because no one's loved me, it kind of sounds okay
to me.
If you get detention Jessica, I'll tell you who it is.
Is it Tom?
No!
I legally can't say.
What do you mean you legally can't say?
I said I would tell her in detention.
They know what they meant.
I stand by my words.
This has been very difficult.
How about I guide you through something, okay?
Yeah.
You have a lovely mother.
Thank you.
It's not true, but I appreciate it.
I think this exercise that you're making us do is really nice.
It's not nice.
I think despite what all the other teachers say, you're pretty smart.
When I said I got, I meant that I would give you the start of a compliment and one of you
would finish it.
Not that you would compliment me and you're staying for detention for the extra day now.
How about we give you the end of a compliment and you give us a start?
Yeah.
No, you're meant to be complimenting.
Nice mother.
We're not doing this.
Butter.
Yeah, like make a nice compliment about butter.
I like butter.
Use butter as an example, sir.
All right, I'll compliment butter.
No, no, no, don't compliment butter.
Use butter as the compliment.
Yeah, compliment its mother, the kai.
Sorry?
What?
What did you say there?
Huh?
Detention.
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
Um, Marv.
Yeah?
I'm just, you know, we have the kids coming in at 11.
Yeah.
And I'm just looking at the main petting area here.
They're working hard.
Yeah.
So look, I appreciate you're not long on the job now.
And you're saying that it's been a year.
Yeah.
Well, I'm saying it's to give you a little bit of grace.
Honestly, Marv.
And give grace up on you too?
Yeah, not that kind of grace.
But thank you.
I'll always appreciate the Lord's grace in my direction.
I want to ask this of you now, and I don't want you to take it this wrong way, because
it might seem like I've made a judgment about you.
Did you, when I asked you to clean the tank?
Great job.
Yes.
No.
I'm going to be clear.
Did you just take all the fish out and just put them in a pile and then just clean the
tank and then put them back in?
Interestingly, I actually first off, I drained the tank first.
Oh, so they died slowly.
No, but don't worry.
Then I picked them up and then put them in the pile.
The pile.
Yeah.
Yes.
So they're all together.
But the pile was close to, you know, that little bit that keeps dripping.
So I was like, well, that'll probably cover them.
And then once I had finished cleaning, bleached, bleached all through.
We can't keep buying starfish.
They're so expensive.
These kids are coming in in about five minutes now and there's nothing for them to touch.
Hold on a minute.
Now think about this.
Now, if the fish aren't moving about, sure, they're a lot easier to pet.
They can just grab them.
They can do what they want with them.
And in fact, if there's no water, much easier to grab them then.
Yeah.
Because you don't really know if you're petting it if it's inside water.
You know, in many ways, you're right.
In many ways, you're right.
I think that's fair.
But I think the children will know that they're dead.
And that might be just a little bit more of an issue.
Welcome back to our linear despair and retribution.
That little kid who usually does these is off sick or something.
There's nobody to tell me nothing.
You're going to pay for this.
But I'm not forced to read out this nonsense.
I don't know why they can't get someone else.
But here I am.
Mr. Melju has returned to school.
And the notes say here that he took some time to grieve a bereavement last month.
But we're all very excited for his return because we've all been working very hard
on the zingers around the death of his singing career.
The fifth year police have put a blanket ban on making fun of him for this reason.
I can do it because I have a tenure.
They can't touch me.
The fifth year police can't touch me.
If they touch me, I'll wedgie their socks.
But in a statement put out yesterday, they can touch you.
So be careful.
They said, who are you to make fun of a man for trying to live out his dreams?
How would you like it if I made fun of you for wanting to be an influencer, Jackie?
They got Jackie.
All right, Jack, you're never going to make it as an influencer.
Stop it now.
Stop making your stupid little sketch videos, Jack, and eat the fucking beans in the cafeteria
gives you
all our forms of teasing and prodding at Mr. Meljer are still permitted.
Also in some happier news, the year nine class who missed their school trip to the aquarium
at the end of last year due to the fire will be heading there today.
Unless happy news to make up the money for that school trip, I had to take the funds
from the cafeteria.
That's where that money is gone to the school trips.
Nothing nefarious.
Just eat your beans in the cafeteria.
Nothing nefarious.
The money's went to school trips.
Um, have you noticed home economics has gotten a bit, a bit more intense lately?
Yeah, there's the pots and pans are kind of loud.
They have speakers on the handles.
And these are the sharpest knives I've ever seen in my life.
Have you taken off the knob to the oven yet?
No.
Have you looked inside the knob in the oven?
No.
Okay, come to my classroom.
Come to my classroom.
See, there's no knob on the oven.
We can speak freely here.
What?
I found a tiny little bug inside the knob to the oven.
If you turn it up to 180, it starts beeping.
Like a cockroach or like a, like a?
No, they're listening to us.
I know they're listening to me.
For a cockroach or?
I told Mrs. Emmy about my lesson plan for last Thursday.
Okay, I didn't tell anyone else.
Next thing I know, Mr. Jimmy's out there giving the same lesson plan.
Don't you think that's interesting?
I think it's interesting how they have been able to communicate with a cockroach and have a...
Do you hear that?
I did hear that.
Is that relevant?
Okay, good. It wasn't just me.
Do you think that's relevant to our discussion or do you think he's trying to...
You never know in here.
God, I thought it ended at Olenu Kukwari and Kukwari, but...
I don't think it was a real cockroach.
Huh.
Okay, we'll try this one more time.
Now, Jessica, do you have a compliment you want to give to someone?
Yeah.
Affirmations.
Um, I like the newsman.
He tells me some things are upsetting, but he does a good job.
There's a war going on in the corner of Dunbarcon.
We know Jessica, but we don't like to talk about it.
We'd like to keep this a politics-free zone.
Sorry.
That's why none of the reporters from the school newspaper are allowed in.
Yes.
Look at them stand by the door.
Shell shocked.
Have they made you sign an NDA?
Is that why you can't legally say?
I won't be taking any further questions at this time, but good line of questioning, sir.
All right, Jessica, how about you compliment Tom?
Say something nice about Tom.
Um, I signed one of those NCA's.
No compliment agreement.
What? Why would you do that?
You know we end each class with compliments.
You know I can get you into detention if you don't say anything.
You're good at getting people into detention.
How are you going to get Jessica into detention?
I make my own forms.
Okay. I know. I've got one. Tom, you've got a really big thigh. Just one.
Hey.
That's a compliment. Some people don't even have one.
Yeah. You've got a par thigh, Tom.
No, I just have an insecurity.
From the woman that you like?
Yeah.
How about we stop describing each other's physical appearance?
Sir, your intellect is better than the other teachers give you credit for.
Why are you spending so much time with the other teachers?
Well, we have classes with them.
But it sounds like you have private chats.
No, we end every class giving insults to the other teachers.
To the teachers?
Yeah.
No, no, they give the insults.
I don't like the other teachers roasting the students.
They're not. They're roasting you mostly.
Oh, it's just me.
Yeah. And the bus driver.
My brother.
Yeah.
I bet you my mother put them up to that.
Horrid old woman.
All right. We'll try this one last time. Okay?
I want you each to compliment a subject that the other person is willing. Okay?
Very straightforward.
No backhandedness.
No, you did it better than expected.
No, you do well given the circumstances.
Just say a subject that they do well in.
You're making compliments very hard, sir.
Yeah.
Theo, you're really good at lunchtime.
Great.
Theo's not here anymore.
He's stuck out the window, so he didn't hear that one.
That's fine. He's not my problem, student.
Tom, you hide your love real well.
That's not a subject.
Tom!
Oh, Tom, you're really good at PE because of that thigh.
That's true.
Now, I did say we stop after the subject, but...
That feels backhanded.
It does, yes.
You're good at PE because of my one thigh.
I'd rather be good at both.
Tom, you're getting complimented. Take it.
Okay. Thanks, Jessica.
Yeah, you got it.
Can I go?
Oh, no. Give her attention.
I need to tell her who likes her.
I'm not giving Jessica the attention.
She gets worse than my brother.
The thick, ugly kids who were made to do labs at the last school open night,
and then I accidentally ran through a gap in the fence
and continued running until they hit the forest.
And then the fucking idiots began to just start living out in the forest,
and they created a little community
and a safe haven for thick, ugly kids in the forest.
Thank God they're all out of my school.
We'll be doing an exchange program.
What?
We're doing an exchange program with them.
We just got them out of the school.
Why are we doing it for an entire month?
Eat kids?
What?
So we're getting rid of eat kids from our school,
and we're giving...
We're getting eat thick, ugly commune kids?
Oh, I hate this.
I hate this so much.
There's a French person coming too.
What?
Oh, come on.
This is bullshit.
Oh, I've got things to do in this school.
Mr. Howard?
You can call me James.
Don't worry.
I'm not one of those old school teachers.
You can call me James.
OK, Mr. James?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
How can I help you, Tony?
My iPad's all set to Japanese.
That's good.
That's a learning experience.
I don't know how to speak it or read it.
For now.
But that's what you're here for.
OK?
This is a fully immersive education environment.
Right?
So, forgetting, we use context clues.
Uh-huh.
A pop-up has come up.
There's two options.
Uh-huh.
Now, you can use context clues to figure out what one means.
Do I press the boy or the girl?
That's for you to answer.
That's not for me to tell you.
OK.
I like the girl.
That's great.
So you tap that one.
She has pink hair.
OK.
It's yelling.
It's not yelling just because you don't understand the language.
Uh-huh.
Can you make it stop yelling?
You can mute it if you wish.
OK.
Now, use context clues again.
There's three buttons on the iPad on the side.
They say boy, girl, and other.
Now, I shouldn't be doing that on the side on the iPad.
That's interesting.
I think it's in Japanese.
The physical iPad as well.
I didn't realize that.
I suppose we've got to get them from somewhere.
That makes sense.
My mommy said the funding wasn't very good for the school,
so they had to get the Japanese iPads.
Yes.
It's bad for supplies.
On the other hand, if the funding was better,
some teachers like me wouldn't get our jobs here.
OK.
So, you know, you've got to take the good with the bad.
Mr. Jimmy, I'm my old school.
We had to use Tesco huddles.
They're perfectly fine tablets.
Yeah, but they're a bit cheap.
So, actually, I think the Japanese iPads are a real step up.
You got the Tesco ones?
Yeah.
We were using Lidl.
Wow.
And those were in German.
Now, this is a multilingual environment.
Yeah, but those are easy to use.
Now, those were yelling at you.
Yeah, but I liked it then.
And they were easy to use for it.
You listened to them, right?
Yeah.
So, what do we learn here?
Mein iPad ist gut.
Can someone translate for me?
Yeah, he said, my iPad is good.
You just repeated the sentence.
No, that's what he said.
He didn't translate the sentence.
He said it in German.
I'm translating from German.
So, I don't know how to say it in English
because it was the German iPad.
OK, so this is interesting.
So, you've developed gaps in your English
that have been filled by the German.
Yeah.
There are linguists that would kill
for a chance to learn this,
and you get it for free.
Really?
Yes.
Is it going to make my life easier?
You've learned it for free,
and life doesn't need to be easy.
It needs to be interesting.
Mr. Jimmy, my tablet doesn't have any boy-girl buttons.
What are your buttons?
Apples and bananas.
Interesting.
Press the banana.
Why?
On the German iPad to open Minecraft.
The banana is yelling at me.
What did you do to upset it?
Press the apple.
Oh, so the banana is right.
Yeah.
Told you.
Oh, it's Minecraft.
Yeah.
Nice.
Minecraft?
Klaus, we've talked about this before.
Go to the principal.
Nine.
Nine?
No.
Jimmy.
I got these iPads from my cousin Dave, right?
And they came in lovely and cheap,
so I thought you might want to use them in the old school there.
They're from Japan, so you know they're good quality.
I'll be honest.
I'm not really at that level where I can make purchasing decisions.
Look, do you want them or not?
Do you want them or not?
I do want them.
Two hundred all in.
Two hundred for fifty iPads.
Two hundred all in.
You know what?
I'll go to pocket for this.
I'll go out of pocket.
It's worth it for the kids.
All right, shake on it.
Shake on it.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'm on this rehydration diet.
I have a lot of saliva right now.
No worries.
Do you want a receipt there?
Oh, you do?
Yeah, that's great.
Use the post-it notes or even in that card,
that thank you card you got from one of the kids there.
I'd rather keep that card.
It's the first acknowledgement I've gotten in my 20 years of life.
I'm not going to do that.
If you can get this man to supply everything in the school,
you can do whatever you want in your class.
I don't care.
Flip the iPads for 200 quid.
Get everything.
Well, I could reimburse for the 200 quid.
You're still talking to me.
Why are you not buying things?
I just...
Look, I'm not a money man.
I'm the principal.
It's just...
The love...
The love jimmied.
It felt weird.
I don't...
We haven't talked since.
Look, I don't care what your relationship is,
how you're getting this at discount.
You do what you need to do for the school.
I'm...
I'll be honest, I'm not...
I will punch you in your shin.
Oh.
I'm allowed to.
I've got tenure.
They can't fire me.
The Board of Governors are stuck with me.
I don't respond well to shouting.
Okay?
I don't respond well to shouting.
Okay?
Can you...
I just...
I need a moment.
I'm going through a lot right now.
My cousin told me he loved me and it was in a weird way,
and I don't like that.
And I'm suddenly supplying the kids a skill...
One of the students responds well to my teaching?
That's never happened.
Sorry.
Oh.
Sorry, one second.
One...
One second.
Speed up!
Can I get some lasagna?
Do you want tickets away?
It's just...
It's...
It's the new season.
It's just...
It's the new season.
It's just...
It's the new season.
New beans, dude.
That's what we're serving now.
You don't read the sign?
Yeah, it just says...
Sorry!
It just says beans.
Sorry, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Your cousin is the supplier?
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait.
Jimmy, we know the way to do that.
We can't mix business and pleasure.
We can't cross familial boundaries, Jimmy.
I was going to say, I feel like family is not a business nor pleasure.
You can't give a contract to your family?
You can get fired.
I can't be touched.
I'm untouchable.
But you, just because the kid's like you...
No, no, I haven't shown a 10-year-old diplomatic immunity, you could shoot a kid?
I could shoot a kid and I have!
What?
Well, secret special.
Potato, potato.
Sorry, who even are you?
I'm seeing you in the cafeteria.
She's been here for three weeks, Steve.
Yeah, open your eyes.
Soon to be Michelin star chef.
Excuse you.
Hi, hi, how are you?
I'm fine.
Hi, hi, sorry, it's me, Miss Johnson from school.
Hello.
Thank you so much.
Miss Johnson, thank you so much.
The kids are just getting off the bus.
You're early.
Lovely.
Yeah, just coming in ahead for the tour.
Where do we go?
What do we...
Well, you can come right ahead to the Penning Zoo.
You know what?
Before we get to the Penning Zoo, Marv, maybe...
You know what's a great place to start?
A great place to start is next door in the coffee shop.
It's a wonderful place to start.
It's really nice.
It's an aquarium tour.
That doesn't really feel like...
They're children.
They can't really...
They're not coffee drinkers.
No, but you know they have a wide selection of pastries and baked goods.
Some sugary drinks in them.
We're a no sugar school.
We're more modern.
We don't really have the budget for that.
We came for an aquarium tour.
The kids are actually probably just ready to come in now.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll take them on ahead then.
See some of the fish.
The Penning Zoo fish.
The famous only petting zoo fish in all of Ireland.
That's right.
The only petting zoo fish in all of Ireland.
That's what we're saying.
That's not all of it.
I can't wait.
They've all been very excited about it.
They've all been looking it up on TikTok.
And now easier to pet than ever.
So they can get right into it.
Absolutely.
So that's one of the things we're doing here as Aqualife.
Yeah, great.
We found that some of the children, they don't enjoy the challenge of a fish with a lot of vigor in them.
It's hard to squeeze them.
They keep, when you try and grasp, they slither out.
They slither out.
Because of the water, I guess.
That's right.
Because the water is very slippy.
So what we're saying is we're ready to go and the children will be able to pick up as many fish as they want.
I'm Murph. This is Phil.
We can answer some of your questions.
Phil, I'm not inspired here by your tour guiding ability.
I feel like you're not.
Well, the tour hasn't started.
You're kind of trying to turn me away almost.
And I feel like you're now telling me that there's dead fish.
What?
Look, I don't want to fight with you, Miss Johnson.
I don't want to fight with you.
OK?
We're very passionate about...
Both decide by fighting words from her.
It is fighting words.
And we're very passionate about fish in here in Aqualife.
OK?
We are Ireland's only petting zoo fish, local.
Aqualife.
OK.
If there were dead fish, we wouldn't tell you that.
If these fish were dead, they wouldn't be out here.
OK.
That's fine.
I just...
I'm just going to go in and...
Oh, God!
Roy, one of the kids is there behind.
Don't go near the tank.
He's falling in.
Oh, that kid might have killed all the fish.
Sorry.
Hello, kids.
I'm going to have to take all back all these iPads.
They said, can't miss business and pleasure.
So, come on, hand them back to me.
Go on.
All the iPads.
No!
But, but, but, but, Adam, you stop screaming.
I'm sorry.
Look, lads, I'm sorry.
I think you should have the best education that you need.
My good cousin there who I love dearly, Jimmy,
best teacher you could ever have.
But you know what?
Someone at the top says you can't have the iPads.
But Mr Jimmy's cousin, it's iPad time until 1 o'clock.
Look, mate, it's iPad time for me until sundown.
That's what I'm saying.
I've got to get rid of these.
No, we have to go home before then.
I've got to get rid of these back and...
Excuse me, language.
I've got to get rid of these iPads.
These sounds like the Japanese bananas.
He does.
Are you the Japanese banana?
Are you the voice?
Yes, I do some of the voiceover stuff, you know.
A bit of voiceover.
When you select the boy icon, that's all me.
That's all me.
I chose the girl icon.
Yeah, well, that would be my sister.
Is she also Mr Jimmy's cousin?
Well, we're not... better not go there.
What is her Jimmy?
Sorry, dear, sorry.
I don't speak good Spanish.
Nine.
Well, yeah.
No, there's actually 50 of them.
So you can't even keep nine.
So, here.
Everyone, just hand them back,
and I'm sorry about this, kids.
Unless anyone knows who we use for 50 Japanese iPads.
My dad could use the iPads.
Oh, what's your dad do?
He's a greengrocer,
but he's trying to set up a security system
around the trolley so it camouflages.
He was using the banana button.
Right, mate, so...
Fifty bananas in a trolley
just look like 50 bananas in a trolley.
Yeah, what's your name?
Cole.
Yeah, really, Cole.
Why don't you just pop me down here,
introduce me to your dad, please.
Yeah, okay, okay, come on, sir.
Let's go.
Okay, bye-bye, Cole.
You're not the only ones back at school this month, kids,
as the 20-year reunion for the class of...
20...20...2004
or 1994 or something.
I don't know, there's a reunion coming on.
Don't you worry.
I'm gonna make fun of your parents
just like I make fun of you.
I've continued.
They can't touch me.
As long as I'm not naked, they can't touch me.
That's the one thing they said.
They said I could do anything,
as long as I don't get naked anymore.
The fifth-year bullies who were held back
at their own request last year
wished to express their deep regret
at making fun of Ardo Fisher's haircut yesterday.
Whilst I have no problem with what they did,
they've released a statement saying,
after having time to reflect upon their actions,
they realized that having your hair cut by a professional barber
is a luxury that not everyone could afford.
And perhaps it was unfair of them to make fun of Ardo,
and by extension his mother,
who was simply trying her best to keep his hair kept and clean.
If Ardo would like to find the fifth-year bullies during lunch today,
he will receive a voucher card
that contains vouchers that he can redeem
at any point over the school year,
such as keeping his lunch money today,
and the elusive bodyguard perk
that the fifth-year bullies of course offer to one kid every year,
where they will protect you for an entire week of your choosing
from any other bullies, and even from themselves.
You can't protect you from me,
because they can't touch me, because I can tame you.
So, Ardo, I'm coming for you and your stupid haircut.
I feel very good about this exchange we are doing,
but I think with the children in France,
they are very excited to come to this confusing place.
They are very excited. They are very excited.
Please do not put my language in front of me, please.
For practice, I think I have to speak French with you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Why are you copying my accent? I do not understand.
Do you know what he's saying?
I do not understand what you are saying.
I think I can translate.
Could you please? Could you please?
Because I am trying, I'm really trying to arrange.
He is saying, I would like the library, and my brother is here.
Where is your brother?
Pétan, pétan, pétan, pétan.
Parrot, parrot, parrot, English.
Is that what you are saying? I'm allergic to birds.
I like football.
You like football? Okay.
And my swimming has a pool.
You are swimming as a pool?
Jimmy, he said Jimmy.
I heard that, but I do not know this town is full of...
I understood a little bit in your bad French that you are cousin fuckers,
but I could guess that from your shitty little town.
Merci beaucoup.
Hey, I take offense to that. We're here at Dunbarca, and we're very proud.
Mr. Jimmy is very uncomfortable with the relationship they have.
Okay.
No, I do not live here. I just am visiting.
I am trying to do an exchange and you are being very rude.
You are copying my accent. You are trying to speak my language very badly.
And admitting to cousin fucking, which is, in my opinion, incest.
Well, I think this exchange visit from the French town has been really interesting.
Do you think we could go back to class now?
Yes, I think we can, but I cannot get the image of cousin fucking out of my mind.
Don't worry, it'll follow you everywhere.
The fuck was that?
Au revoir. Bon chance.
I don't feel well. I don't feel well, Miss Johnson.
Oh, God. I don't feel well.
Oh, God, he's covered in dead fish.
Well...
It smells so bad.
I think it's conclusive. Roy killed all the fish.
What are you talking about?
I'm a murderer! I've killed all the fish!
Don't worry, don't worry, kid.
Roy, get out of there. Roy.
I promised I wouldn't kill again.
I promised I wouldn't kill.
Kid, look at me. You shouldn't judge yourself. Leave that for God.
Grace upon you.
Time to finish the job.
Oh, God. No, Roy.
Time to finish the job.
No, this isn't like the sea monkeys again. It's not like the sea monkeys.
Keep telling yourself. No, no, Roy.
God, I'm going to get Mrs Riley. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I'm going to kill every living creature here.
Stop putting them down your pants. Stop eating them.
That's where I get my strength, Mrs Johnson. I'm sorry.
I thought I could be a good junior searcher, but I cannot.
That Roy is dumb as a bag of bricks.
Well, I'm right here. That seems very hard. I'm going to kill you next.
Like to see you try. Everyone knows that's not how you get strength from fish.
Yeah.
Did not see that coming.
You die. I've got you like a fish.
Oh, that's a lot of blood.
Miss Riley, he's just over here. He's just in the tank there.
Roy, gone back to your killing ways. Have you?
I'm sorry, Mrs Riley. I couldn't. I couldn't help it.
I didn't mean to. I'm losing a lot of blood.
Well, seems you've forgotten your lines, haven't you?
I have forgotten my lines. I must not kill with fish.
I must not kill with fish. I must not kill with fish.
I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish.
It was highly specific when I gave it to you and I didn't think it would come up again.
But here we are. Where did he get the knife?
It was just in here.
That's your problem now. You're the ones that have knives and dead fish.
OK, well, let's not. Murphy, you all right? Are you OK?
It's bleeding a lot, but I've been in worse blood.
Worse blood. OK, well, Grant, he's fine.
But we are going to insist that you leave and that you don't get a refund.
We're going to insist you don't get a refund, I'm afraid.
Yeah, any time anyone gets stabbed.
Yeah, no stabbing policy.
I think that would be fine, Roy.
Let's just go and leave the two petting zoo men to bleed out.
Yeah, well, Mrs. Johnson, I think you're better off leaving me here.
Please take me. No, Roy.
Oh, God. No.
Yes, I think you're better off leaving me here because we both know now that I've had this taste for blood,
I'm not going to be able to be rehabilitated.
Roy, stop looking for a thing.
We know you just want to have a thing.
I don't need a thing.
We know you're the most normal person in the school.
I'm crazy, Mrs. Johnson.
You just decided I'm going to be a fish killer.
To get attention, go outside now or you won't be getting break.
Well, I'm not doing my homework.
He didn't kill the fish.
Well, that's going to be up to you and your parents later on.
Hold on a second. I killed the fish.
What did you say?
He never killed the fish.
I killed all the fish.
I accidentally took them out.
I suffocated them in air.
And I've been punished by God in the guise of a little boy with a knife.
Don't worry.
We're perfectly aware that you killed your own fish.
Yes, no, we know you're both idiots.
We're leaving.
That's not fair on Phil.
Here at Aqualife.
I'm sorry.
That's not fair on Phil.
If you're going to turn around to me and tell me that you had an employee that killed all of the fish under your watch.
And you're not maybe a two.
He was not watching.
OK, I trusted him to clean the tank.
And second of all, you're supposed to be a school teacher.
Two teachers and one child is what I see.
Two teachers and one child.
Seems like a lot of supervision for one murderous child.
Well, we have another teacher outside.
We've got a very good ratio of children to teachers.
Three to one.
Yeah.
It's usually the other way around.
There's other children outside.
You goofball.
Well, I will not stand for that sort of language.
You are banned from Sea Life.
You are banned from Aqualife.
You don't even know the name of your own petting zoo.
Our sister company Sea Life doesn't stand for snobbings either.
No.
Nor do they agree with us calling them a sister corporation.
No.
They are not affiliated with us at all.
And they've made that blatantly clear.
OK.
We've sent many letters asking us to stop.
Well, we're going to head now.
I'm pretty sure we're your only business up to now.
You are a fish petting zoo.
Only for the day.
And we're a school.
Yes.
Fair enough.
Well, school, any chance you'd like to donate to our octopus fund?
No, we won't be donating to your octopus school.
It's a fund.
It's not a school.
A school of octopus?
No, no.
We've almost got enough for one leg.
Yeah, we've almost got enough for a single leg of octopus.
We're just buying it so we can eat it.
OK.
Why we're staying around to entertain any more of this is just beyond me.
Well, we're finally...
Three teachers, you can't make a decision.
Too many cooks.
OK, fine.
Miss, I found another shark.
Yes!
Sweet.
Why was there a spring in my quiche?
Was there a spring in anyone else's quiche?
It's not a spring.
That looks like a coil.
It's not a spring. It's not a coil.
Oh.
What... what is it?
Kids, come into my classroom.
Oh my god.
Miss, I just want my lunch.
Kids, kids, come, come.
Listen.
Are you gonna give me a new quiche?
I don't have any more quiche.
What I have is the truth.
I'm hungry.
The principal has been lying to you for years.
Well, yeah.
Which principal?
The principal of our ladies.
The one who's gonna turn into dust.
Oh my god.
He's gonna turn into ice.
That's what the best say.
Oh, sorry.
He wrote those myths.
OK, he's been running a long-term MK Ultra-esque situation in this school.
That spring in your quiche was edible.
OK, good.
You should eat it.
Did you eat the spring?
Yeah.
Oh, it went straight through mine.
Speed up!
OK, kids, I'm gonna get you some water.
This is Mr. Jimmy's cousin.
Just went straight through mine.
And sometimes...
Sorry, what's your name there, miss?
Mrs. Lettrem.
Mrs. Lettrem, really?
So, you know, I sometimes say to myself, look, kids, they're not for me.
I don't want any.
I don't want any for myself.
But hanging out with these guys with Cole and...
What's your name?
Michelle.
Gosh, they are class crap.
Cole's gonna be hooking me up with his dad later, but I'm interested in what you have to say.
Mr. Jimmy's cousin, sir.
Yeah, here, call me Cous.
Cous, if I may?
Or J. Cous, whatever.
I love the understanding that you're a technology connoisseur.
Yeah, well, call me a consultant sometimes, they do.
Could you do me a favor and look under the oven up there?
Oh, well, it looks like you got a little bit of a...
Bit of a microphone here.
Snore, Bob.
Snore.
And if you turned it right up to 180, it would start beeping.
That's what I'd say.
That's exactly what it's been doing.
It's not really much of a beep, it's more of a wheeze, to be fair.
I thought my hearing aids were playing up, but no.
Okay, can you trace this back to its source?
Oh, yeah, of course I can.
Who are you?
Oh!
Oi, now, don't call me Houdini, or whoever the guy is that Benedict Cumberdack plays.
I thought you were Cous.
No, well, I'm just saying, like, just pop reference for the kids.
Don't be calling me Houdini.
But I think it's your principal.
That's what I think it is.
Fucking egg blown my ear out!
Yeah, I really think it's the principal.
Okay, class, so to make baguette, the first thing you need to mix together is the flour and the water.
Yes, it is very important.
Yes, I've eaten my bread.
We haven't cooked it yet.
I brought my own.
That is just the yeast.
I didn't think I was going to be able to make the bread, so I just brought a baguette, and I've eaten it.
So you bought the baguette, you didn't make the baguette at home.
No, no.
Was it dry?
I ate my yeast.
Yeah.
You ate the yeast?
Yeah, a little turd end to bread on my tum-tum.
Oh my goodness.
If you eat the flour and the water and the butter as well, then yes.
Yes, I will.
Are these your students?
Yes, these are my best students.
Oh my goodness.
Do not...
Keep going.
This is so bad.
Terrible.
What are you teaching them in France then?
Well, genuinely, I have a question for you that I would love the answer to.
Please, please.
Do you know a soda bread?
Yes.
Why is it fizzy?
Huh?
Why is it fizzy?
Well, you make it with soda.
But I've never looked at a gorgeous French baguette and thought, do you know this needs a soda stream?
I've never wanted to soda stream my baguette.
That is such a good point.
We should get the soda stream out.
Cole, don't finish swallowing yet.
Do not do that.
Don't finish swallowing yet.
Oh my god.
This child is foaming at the mouth.
And that's good.
It is not good.
Exactly, I'm going to form the mouth to bread in the tummy.
Exactly.
Oh my goodness.
He's making bread.
Do you want me to go buy you another baguette?
No.
I think bread is not the answer to too much bread.
Cole's going to make enough baguettes for the both of us.
What?
You're going to eat the baguette from his stomach?
Oh, wouldn't you?
You're going to tie me onto a spinning wheel and turn me.
Is that legal here?
Yeah.
Very much so.
Right, I'm ready, I'm ready.
Wave the flag, I am the fastest kid in school and I'm going to win.
So wave it, I'm going to run.
I'm going to run faster.
It's come to this, principal.
Do you know you're about to get caught?
You can never take me down, I've got tenure.
I'm not here to take you down, I'm here to take the fall for you.
You've been an honorable vice principal and I anticipated this or didn't and already made you take the fall.
That's okay, that was part of my duty when I was sworn in to be your vice principal.
Yeah, will you take the fall for me?
I will take the fall for you.
On 16 different fronts.
That is my job.
Someday I'm going to turn to Ash and if you're out of prison by then, you can take over.
It'll be magic, it'll be beautiful.
But don't worry, because I'll be fine.
Okay, give me your clothes, give me your hair and let me deal with...cause.
The one thing I'm not allowed to do is streak through the school.
They said that was my one thing.
It's okay, if you're...
They said just because I run at ankle height while I'm streaking, it's still streaking.
It's okay if it's an escape, you're allowed to do it when you're escaping.
No, that was my logic, but they said no.
They said you can't do it again.
It doesn't make any sense if someone needs to escape in the nude.
Well, how are they going to do it?
Well, they have to stay in the nude, it's the only safe thing.
Fuck me, that lad's dark naked.
You're here to see me, the principal.
How are you doing there, Mr. Principal?
Yeah, I'm alright.
Look, I've got nothing in this beef, but this teacher here thinks you've been spying on her.
This is Mr. Jimmy's cousin.
Jack Cawse, if you want to say.
I've heard you've been providing the school with a lot of good things.
Well, it was until you came up with the PC bergrade saying you can't mix business and pleasure.
Well, I just want to say, loud and clear, that I've not put any microphones in any of the ovens
and I haven't been spying on anybody.
And everything I've done has been legal and above board.
Sorry, this is really embarrassing. The microphone's a bit big now. Could you say it louder?
Yeah, okay. So, the micro- I didn't put any microphones into the- into the school.
Perfect.
And I haven't done anything illegal and, Jack Cawse, you cannot arrest me.
What is your name?
The principal.
Yes, now say principal Brown.
I'm principal Brown.
There we go.
Well, look, that sounds all well and good, but if you press here, boy, apple, apple, banana, girl, and then other,
I've got a few recordings. Now, when these iPads were sitting in your office, and they might say different, let's press play.
I have all the money, have all the money in the world. I took it all from the cafeteria. They only serve beans.
I'd say so. I can do whatever I want. I can shoot a child. I've shot a child. I can do it again.
They said I can't streak. That's the one thing I'm not allowed to do. But I can shoot a child.
They can't stop me unless I'm naked. So I'm not going to be naked when I do it.
No one can stop me unless I'm naked.
That was me.
Okay, well, look, I think there's a few things going on there, but the main thing is you're stark naked right now.
Yeah, I am.
And that's your kryptonite. And I've got you.
Oh.
You should be ashamed of yourself, principal Brown.
Todd, Todd, further Todd. I guess as Vice Principal Looge, I shall become Acting Principal then.
As Vice Principal Looge, but you know, I'll just, it's probably easier if I also go as Principal Brown.
I'll go by Principal Brown. That actually seems an armady of despair and retribution and a lot of money.
You don't have to change the stationery and posters around the school, so that's that then.
Thank goodness Principal Brown has been stopped by Jay Coss, and that Principal Brown will reign in his stead.
Good job, everyone.
Somebody escort Jay Coss off the premises. He never, he never filled out a visitor's form.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conneth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast, you can follow us at DunbrackenPod on Instagram.
There were a hell of a lot of people in this episode. Please check the show notes for the full cast list.
The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album, Unearthed, on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.