Um, what the hell?
Why are you standing in a bus when there's a seat empty next to me?
Look, we're going to be spending a lot of time together.
So I just every little distance helps.
We're going to get tired of each other so we can take a little break from each other.
It's a long weekend.
We could spend that much time talking to each other.
I mean, that's what 72 hours?
Yeah.
This is breaking what I anticipated, but this decision to stand and not sit beside you,
kind of be.
So if you don't mind, I'm going to look out the window.
Don't mind.
I just sort of feel isolated.
And you're still talking to me.
Yeah.
What's the point?
If we're not going to be talking.
Look, it's a 20 minute bus journey.
If we can just pretend that we don't know each other for 20 minutes and then, you know,
we can catch up after we get off the bus and be like, hey, did you notice that weird woman
in the front?
Sorry, ma'am.
She is pretty weird.
She is a bit worrying.
It's just, I don't know where her hair, pants and her jacket begin.
Yeah.
And now we've used up this conversation.
We can have another conversation.
I will be talking to this woman for an easy hour.
What if nothing different happens whenever we get off the bus?
I think it will.
I mean, that's a whole point of travel.
We get to experience new things.
Hi, would any of you like some fudge?
How come someone is sitting next to him, but not next to me?
Welcome.
Back to Dunbracken.
This is my friend, Tom.
How come you didn't offer me fudge?
I was saying, I was saying to anyone, you are part of that, Tom.
Would you like some fudge?
No, I only like it when my fingers get sticky.
I will take some fudge.
Oh, here you go.
You can have some fudge.
Oh, it's melted.
Can you?
It's wet.
It's not melted.
It's wet.
Can you put some of that fudge in my mouth?
Of course I will.
Here you go.
Well, that's what I was going to say.
Sorry, you're chomping your teeth.
You're not going to bite my fingers, are you?
Don't worry, I'm not that wet for Tom.
He has a problem with chewing.
Would you like to feed Tom?
He doesn't want to feed Tom.
See, that's what you friends are.
I don't want to feed Tom, but I don't like that you've asked me this.
What I was going to say when we get off the bus is the fact that this person didn't offer
his best friend some fudge.
And therefore that friction, that conflict gave them something to talk about.
And I'm saying that's why I'm not sitting beside you on this journey.
I made this fudge specifically for Tom, so I was going to have a rest.
Get over it.
I made it wet just for you.
Oh, this is too wet for me to eat, but I will feed it to Tom.
Because you and your wrist teeth.
Right down the gullet.
It just slid down into it.
It's viscous.
These teeth are like tic tacs.
So you were saying when you get off the bus, you'll be thinking about something.
But you'll be thinking about why didn't I feed Tom?
Well, you're going to get the fudge regardless.
Tom is always going to get my friend Tom some fudge.
I made it for him.
You had a chance to feed me though.
Yeah.
You don't like Tom?
What's wrong with Tom?
I don't know Tom.
Tom's your friend.
Tom, my teacher.
What's wrong with Tom?
It's his classic slogan.
I'm sorry.
You got an answer to it?
Not many people answer it.
So I was going to say, other than feeding you fudge, what am I missing out on?
All the answers are on the back.
See?
Oh, it's a bit smudged because I sweat.
It's very small writing.
There's a lot of things wrong with him.
Don't worry, I have a shirt too.
It's not incentivizing me to make another friend, honestly.
Wow.
Oh, okay.
I kind of want to get off the bus at the next stop now.
Well, that's where I live.
So you can do that and I'm going to stay on to our destination.
Party at Tom's house?
Fudge Fridays.
There's much more fudge.
I've made a mistake and I'm sorry.
Well, respect that I was right and don't continue to speak to me for the rest of the journey.
We can put some fudge in the freezer.
Party it up.
Oh.
I would just say to the ether, I'm sorry and I'll ignore you.
Not you, Tom.
I can't ignore you.
I need to look at you like an eclipse.
You're hurting my eyes.
We'll have slifter glasses to look at him directly.
The ether says thank you.
These glasses, oh, they're like those slideshow glasses.
It's just pictures of Tom.
It's more and more intense with every photo.
See how there wasn't that much writing on the back of the t-shirt, three and riff?
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
He's had a tough year.
He's had a full set of hair.
Full head of hair.
Not set of hair.
Yeah.
My doctor says I should start eating solids.
You just like the wet.
I like the wet.
Goes right down.
Sloppy.
Yeah.
Sometimes we get spaghetti bolognaise and just throw it to spaghetti.
Sloppy for Tom.
With my hands still feeling wet at some point.
If you stuck them in the freezer, that's the only way to get the residue of the fudge off.
It's like a desert and it cracks off.
Travel's scary.
Where's the one at my house?
Ugh.
There's a party at Tom's.
You guys go ahead.
Um.
We have plans.
Oh.
We.
Hey.
You seem to be having a good time.
Hey, you seem like you need a lift.
I've got the spare room.
Oh.
You want to ride?
Um.
Yeah, go on.
Go on.
He looks friendly.
Do you have any ID?
Uh, yeah, of course.
Here you go.
Organ donor.
What's your date of birth?
My date of birth?
Yeah.
A third of May.
He's doing us a favor.
He looks friendly.
Check, sir.
Don't be so suspicious.
Oh, I don't like the look of this guy.
I don't like accepting lifts from anyone.
Well, if you guys feel uncomfortable taking a favor in exchange for nothing.
I actually need a plus one for a wedding.
Uh, I see.
See.
This guy's got an angle.
There's two of us.
Could we both go?
Um.
Do you need plus two?
Wow.
I have a good idea.
Wow, five minutes ago I was going stag, now I've got two offers.
Yeah, I think that's fine.
I'm sure someone's got that feeling.
It'll be good.
It'll be a good one.
I only have one spare tux in the back, but, uh, you know, if one of you gets a jacket,
one of you gets a shirt, I think that would work out.
You've got your black t-shirt, that would do.
Yeah.
I'm not so sure about this.
I think it'll be fine.
This guy offering us a wedding.
I'll drop you off afterwards.
He looks really friendly.
This is too good to be true.
It doesn't matter where you live.
I'll do it.
Go on.
It'll be fun.
What's the worst that could happen?
I've seen documentaries about this.
Well, that's like, you know, that's on TV.
It's not real life.
Yeah, like Wedding Crashers was a nightmare for all of us, but I think you two would be
very welcome.
Yeah, it'd be good.
Tell us, tell us about the wedding.
Who's getting married?
It's my brother.
He's getting married.
Jimmy, Jimmy, I got something to tell you.
All right.
What's going on?
Look, don't make too much of a big deal out of it, okay?
But got a new car.
The man told me that there's 17,000 horses in it.
17,000 horse?
Horses.
I think, I think you might mean horsepower.
Aye, that's what he said, horsepower.
I'm like 17,000.
Whirr.
That's what I asked him.
He said in the engine.
I said, can I take it apart and see them?
And he was like, I wouldn't do that.
You're not trained.
No, no.
Yeah.
That's just like a measurement that they use for, for explaining the power of the engine.
I'm pretty sure it's.
Are they all on one, like bridle?
You mean?
They're in a big line, but they're tiny.
Davey, Davey, Davey, I've been looking at your car out there.
I don't see no horses, but I'm thinking, did he blend them?
That's the only way I can think he could have fit them in.
Blended the 17,000 of them.
Bob.
Yeah.
Bob, you're not believing this as well.
It's horsepower.
It's just a unit of measurement.
I was in the car on the way home.
If you heard that engine, it sounds a lot like 17,000 horses.
17,000 horses.
Nan.
There's, there aren't 17,000 horses inside that engine.
I swear I put my foot down and I hear a growl coming from it.
Could have been the ghost of all the blended horses.
What kind of horses growl?
Well I don't know what 17,000.
Once they're about to die.
Jesus, if I was about to be blended, I'd be groaning away.
If there's 17,000 horses in there and they're all going at once, how do you know it doesn't
sound like a growl?
That's true.
And like, there aren't horses small enough to fit into an engine that size.
You cross breed a Shetland pony with a smaller Shetland pony.
And we work our way back.
You think that that's what they're doing down at the car dealership?
They're breeding tiny horses.
Sports cars.
Sports horses.
You can't put muscle on a thoroughbred.
I don't know enough about thoroughbreds to dispute that.
Look, you can go down to the mechanics.
They'll be qualified to take the car apart and they can, they can let you know.
No, screw that.
Go down to the racetrack.
Put your horses in.
Put your horses in the race.
I can put the horses in.
I'll bet on you.
Aye, no you don't.
You can't.
No, you can't.
I can though.
There's only like 24 in a race.
I can't add 17,000 to the race.
They're not aligned.
I mean, it's pretty much a fix.
Have you seen the speed of it?
And the way it just drives over all those other horses.
A car can go.
Wait, you've been driving over horses.
That horse and car didn't stand a chance on the way home.
Jesus Christ.
There's now 17,000 in two.
I thought, I felt like a gladiator.
Oh my God.
Inside going about on a chariot.
Except the chariot with my Ford.
I can see it.
There's still a, there's a horse in your bonnet.
That's just one though.
That's just one.
Oh my.
It's still alive.
Fuck.
Oh, if somebody needs to call the vet.
Wait, there's, wait, wait.
If I stick it in the boot, that's 17,001.
Lego even faster now.
Oh Jesus.
I don't know if I can take it.
Yeah, you should see it on the road.
Like it's unreal.
Purring to a dust.
Purring.
You know, the groaning and the naan.
Are you sure there's no cats involved then?
They didn't mention that, but.
There was one time a cat crawled up.
You only got the car yesterday.
And we've been driving ever since.
Yeah.
Yep.
Well that's what the man tells me anyway.
17,000 horses in it.
1200.
Not bad.
Is that it?
1200.
That's a steam.
And 37,000 miles.
It's pretty good.
If you divide that by the horses, that's at least a thousand a horse.
Yeah, they're barely round.
A hundred a horse, I suppose.
They've barely gone a bit.
They've barely run.
There's plenty still in them.
There's not plenty still in that one that's stuck in the bonnet?
No, it's not for this life.
Don't worry.
Don't worry, boy.
You're going to be a ghost in the car soon.
Yes, that's right.
He was fast, but I was faster.
That's all I know.
You were by a factor of 17,000 times faster.
17,000 times.
And like I drove past, there was two boys on a wee horse and cart.
There was only one horse.
So I wind down the window on the way by and I said, that's 16,999 more than you.
I gave him a finger and just drove off.
You're an awful, you're a cruel man.
You're a cruel man.
This poor wee lad's been here for the one horse.
Well, to be fair, they were being robbed.
So we could have done worse.
It was awkward at the traffic like them.
And they also came by.
And then they said, well, because it's not a car and we're a horse and cart, we don't
actually need to obey the rules of the road.
And they went on.
So, smashed by a lorry.
Completely crushed.
So I was happy.
You were happy.
That lorry, that lorry is one horsepower now.
Namaste, welcome to the fair trade market today.
I've got lots of beauty products.
We've got some woodlouse toothpaste and I've got some ant shampoo.
Is there anything that you like to look off and I'll explain it to you.
Is this shampoo for ants or is it shampoo of ants or shampoo by ants?
Don't entertain her.
Well, I'm just interested in the shampoo.
Okay.
The shampoo is actually made from ants, but don't worry.
No ants were harmed in the making of the shampoo.
It was all bodies of ants that were already deceased and we were just repurposing them
for the sake of beauty and natural awareness.
That's so lovely.
Did they like leave their bodies almost like an organ donor card, but like for shampoo?
Is that how it works?
Were they roadkill ants?
Some of them may have been roadkill ants.
I don't actually collect the ants myself.
They're supplied by a supplier that I will not name.
I like to think that in my meditations, Gaia actually spoke to me and told me that they
were organ donated ants.
They'd given up their bodies for our beauty.
God, nature is so beautiful.
It's just so great that they can provide for us like that.
This is amazing.
Yes.
Yeah.
100%.
What does it smell like?
Well, there's a sample there.
You can, you can work away.
Are you okay?
I shouldn't have told you.
Are you okay?
I shouldn't have smelled it.
Oh, are you allergic to ants?
You know, I've never been tested.
Well, I actually actually do some allergy testings.
If you want, I can, I can do a reading on you.
Can I see your palms, please?
Sure.
Go ahead.
Well, is it bad?
Your grasshopper groove is quite deep, which would lead me to believe that you are actually
allergic to ants and also that you might not have much time left on this realm.
I just came to the market because the library was closed today.
I didn't know that I was going to be virtual.
My dad.
Namaste, Martha.
I've flooded a few more ant hills for you.
So where'd you?
Martin, Martin.
Huh?
Sorry.
Namaste.
Yes.
Good seeing you.
Just.
Oh, why would you like?
I'm burning an anthill.
And it didn't go as well as the flooding of the anthill.
So I think that's going to be my new technique because you lose about 20 percent of them.
So Martin, just just.
Martin.
That's OK.
The ants that had already been dead died in the sun.
It was really sunny last week, wasn't it, Martin?
Yes.
So you were just cleaning them out with the water.
So cleaning them out with the water, but also drowning and suffocating them, I guess.
Martin, if you just found out that you're going to die soon, how would you react to
that?
I'd buy six lottery tickets and give them to each of my family members and say whoever
gets the most money is the one that I love.
I know how you're going to spend my Tuesday now.
Are you sure you wouldn't invest in some lovely woodlice shampoo?
Really treat your hair and your follicles for the remaining three weeks?
Well, actually, because there's healing properties of woodlice, so it would actually counteract
your grasshopper.
I tell you, that would be very good because the shampoo I got from you last week has been
real itchy, so if I could try that and then get like...
That's the actual, that's the natural woodlice ingredients activating your scalp chakra,
and that's intended.
Speaking of the woodlice, I poisoned a tree and I've got...
Martin, no.
I don't know what they are.
I think they're beetles.
The beetles?
They're hairy.
They had a load of nuts.
Yes, Martin.
No, you can leave those in the back.
Yeah, we'll get to those.
Can I have the nuts?
I ate three of them already.
You can have the nuts, yes.
The health is so good, I think the nuts were poisoned.
I'm just thinking, what do you think you'll do with your body when you're done with it?
Like, I'm just kind of thinking about the ants and it's just nice that there's like
a cycle, you know?
Like just whenever you're done.
Should I, should I donate it to soap?
Would you do something like that, would you?
I mean, we wouldn't normally work with human donations, but...
Here's my card.
I could come to your house and flood it.
I will burn it down because then I'll lose 20% of you.
Have you had any success with that lotto thing?
What?
Have you known anyone who had success with that lotto thing that you said about dying?
No, it's a thing that I would like to do and it feels unauthentic if someone else did
it then.
You know, that's just me personally saying how I would go to the grave with a psychological
trick against my family.
But I'm only 14.
Martin, will you come with me to the shop to buy my six lotto tickets?
Hell, make it seven.
No, I'm only 14.
My mommy says I come here, say namaste, hand off all these murdered animals and then leave
again.
They donated animals, they donated animals.
And also you needn't worry about dying soon.
If you actually start your scalp treatment today with some of this woodlice shampoo,
it may actually counteract the...
I literally can't use it because it would make me throw up.
Smell of it is so bad.
After a while, you'll not throw up as much.
I would rather die.
Rebecca, I'm gonna go buy some lottery tickets.
I wish you good luck in the arts.
Namaste.
I'm gonna stay here and get some of this shampoo.
Have a good, like, last few days or whatever it is, you know?
It's been good.
This thing goes about three weeks, so I might see you for coffee, but like, let's just say
goodbye now just in case.
Yeah, sure.
If you're still kicking, give me a shout.
Sure, yeah.
I mean, alright.
I'll maybe see you around.
Yeah, yeah.
See you at the wake.
Here's that dog you wanted.
Thank you, Martin.
Namaste.
And if anyone has any reason they would like to object...
Go on, this is your chance.
Just say what I told you to say.
Just do it.
Just do it now.
Please.
No, don't.
No, don't do the wedding.
Let me go, Maury.
Wedding knots, no.
I object.
Oh wow, multiple people.
This must be a bad wedding.
Yeah, we're intervening of our own accord.
We're not being forced to say stop the wedding.
I just think they're a bad match.
Yeah, yeah, apparently.
I'm not sure.
Apparently they are.
Yeah, I agree.
It's a couple which would like to take this into consideration.
Freddie, what the hell?
Are you just trying to ruin this wedding?
It's not my objection.
What are you looking at me for?
You brought those people here with you.
And I said what a lovely couple you are and Dave came to this conclusion on their own.
Yeah, yeah, we were not being forced to say this at all.
I mean, just like, you know, just no stop.
What did he offer you?
Was it a lift?
offer we didn't get offered it it was it did he offer you a lift oh no is this
because you don't have a driver's license this is about you don't have a
driver's license it's about you coming in and not letting me marry my husband
you can get married have you you had I'm just saying those two came to a
conclusion by themselves this has nothing to do with my driver's license
we are over Barry we've been over for seven years
wait ever since ever since that Christmas family Christmas and you got a
bigger present than I did we been over we haven't talked to each other I know
but all I'm saying is thanks for the invite I didn't ruin your wedding those
two did so stop getting an eye on me no we tell mom I came and I behaved we just
had to we just had to clear our consciences no you don't
hold on they objected no this isn't a real objection we can keep getting
married I feel like we're not being taken seriously yeah you see you've
embarrassed me in front of my guests yeah we like we stood up we put our
heads above the parapet I mean I'm happy they still get married to you as long as
yeah I'm ignored I mean we shouldn't we shouldn't have come can you just leave
could you just leave oh there I'm giving them a lift home so they can't leave you
until I leave here for you and your happiest day of your life is it your
brother objecting or his two friends I'm very confused but my brother friends if
he's my brother I guess they're his hitchhikers why do you assume all my
friends are hitchhikers you have a track record you've not had any proper friends
you go around loading your driver's license feeling oh look at me I can
drive please come into my car come to a wedding come to my grandma's funeral it
was poor attendance I was just trying to fill the seats why don't you want me to
marry your brother again not me it's those two and why do you ask if you're
not gonna take the objection seriously it's a thing that they have to do you
know what is this the kind of man you want to marry the one that doesn't
listen to one that asks you questions and then ignores your answer the
objection is for we are allowed to be objected to but we still have the
ultimate executive decision yes correct
yep all I'm saying is he quite clearly didn't listen to anyone you know what
you're sometimes too generous and I'm worried that you're gonna get trampled
over this is my objection now are you just worried about me yeah oh I think you
should cancel the wedding why what have I done to you you've ignored my friends
and embarrassed me in front of them I've never really thought about it like this
yeah I did yeah you should break up why would I tread all over you I think I
think you've been treading all over me this whole time what by letting you
choose everything yeah Wow you should really you didn't have a single bit of
input it's like you don't even care about me you're a wedding organizer it
doesn't matter you know you're important too you could have had at any moment you
could have stepped in and said I want these flowers I want this I thought that
happy so I was like well this is great he's happy I don't care I knew that this
was that's why I organized everything other than the wedding I don't want to
do work all the time you're right I should have you should have I should
have considered that it is your job but maybe this one time we should have
organized together or let someone else wedding planner and you think I plan all
of the best weddings you think I want to have a good wedding like the rest of
them you deserve the best and you are the best so how can how could I give you
someone that was lesser than you and if that's trampling maybe your brother's
right look we're in over our heads can anyone give us a lift just down the 10
minutes drive yeah you're just thinking that you've just made us feel really
awkward and I'm not what you two have done I'm gonna leave now because of
your two's behavior it's an embarrassment I'm sorry about this guy
oh that's come on it's not for you to have a lift no yeah yeah no I'm good
don't worry no you've been you've been great my driver's license also party why do you have
to let your mom know that he was good is she not here I don't I don't keep track
I didn't but she just wanted a woman she's just she was very insistent that I
come and I try and patch things up and I think I did a good job
is that the woman you waved at when you drove past on the way here no no no
no that's my sister oh I'm gonna tell her you said that
Teddy yeah I I don't think I can do this why it's just not right gave you so many
reasons just listen for once I I don't even think it's about you I think it's
me I'm forever gonna be beheld into my family
burden your brother yes the family burden wait you haven't told me you
haven't talked to him in seven years it you don't listen I said a Christmas seven
years ago yeah seven there's a videographer here somewhere I'm gonna
talk that Christmas fuck that's right and so you're gonna take the word of a
strange stranger I just what's you know say we get married and say we stay
together and okay and we come another seven years down the line and Barry
shows up again with more hitchhikers probably listening to your brother and
his hitchhikers every once a seven years you'll just ignore those objections like
you have this time but no my brother listens you back off for my brother oh
look what he's done to me why have you two been estranged you got a bigger
present that Christmas and I was huge it kept mentioning it so I got my driver's
license and he don't like that I can't drive you know that Teddy I've been
driving you everywhere for years driving us crazy that's what you've been doing
I haven't seen you ever it's the first time we're meeting and it's been
insufferable this priest said one word and you just jumped up with your friend
was my friends who did that independently of me and you know what you
don't need to have that part in it the priest has to have it it's thought it's
the word of God he has to keep it in
it seems pointless though because I mean we did object and we were completely
ignored we were just shot down and no the objection is there to allow a chance
for anyone to object it doesn't mean that if there's an objection it has to
stop I've objected I was just wondering is there still gonna be cake I mean I'm
happy to grab something go I mean no I was thinking specific right there we can
just look at a slice Teddy we're not gonna get married but we have a
booked out this whole venue so I'm thinking we stick around we have the
party and then we go our separate ways afterwards if you need a lift Barry I
might I've got a great number for tax company don't tell him I said you back
to Dunbracken is created produced and edited by Colin McVeigh for more
podcast you can follow us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram this episode featured
Patrick Meyer or a conlan jordon Lee Eddie Goodwin Cairnsands David McCauley
Owen Fox and James Fulton the opening and closing music was created by Connor
Mallon and you can check out his entire album unearthed on Spotify now thank you
for listening we look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very
soon