I put peanut butter on Janice's hair to get the gum out but it's made it a lot worse and I don't know.
I'm sorry I'll get the ice cream. Oh perfect. Put the ice cream on there and then that will
free the peanut butter. Yeah then we get the peanut butter. We still have the gum. We still
have the gum but if we can get the peanut butter. We can get back to square one. Yeah. She really
doesn't want us to shave the hair but. Well could she grow it out further and then it's easier to
cut out? Potentially but I don't think she'd like that. She loves her braids. Okay okay. Apparently
the kids will bully her. I mean they were bullying her beforehand. Yeah well that's why. Why would
the gum change that? That's true yeah maybe she just needs to toughen up. Maybe this will be if
she has gum on her hair they won't focus on her other attributes. Okay I've got a plan. Okay I'm
gonna get a wrench. Yes. I'm gonna hide the kid. No no an adult can't hit her kid but I can give it
to her. She can hit a kid. Yeah. She's not gonna get bullied. Then she's like who else wants some?
Yeah yeah that's what I did. Yeah. That's how we became friends. Yeah you beat up my dad. Yeah an
adult can beat up a kid but a kid no all the way around with a kid can beat up an adult. Yeah we
need to get our story straight. But the adult can't fight back. For sure an adult cannot fight back.
They have to tank it. Worst day of my life when I turned 18. Parent teacher meetings changed.
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
What do you what do you mean you want to take the truck? This is an antique. This is a big antique.
Just take it in your shop. Give me money for it and I'll leave you be. Sir there's specific dedicated
car trading. I know. We are not car trading. I understand that. Trust me I understand. I've tried
I've went to the dedicated places and they say no. So we're your last ditch resort. Last ditch resort
please I really desperately need the money. Okay well to me it just looks like a normal truck.
Ah that's where you're wrong. It was born in 1982. Ask him about the use of the word born.
I was gonna ask him about the use of the word. Sorry you're doing a great job. No it's it's it's
okay. I was just a bit I was a bit of gawg. I was a bit of gassed. Um you're used to the word born
there. What sort of birth did the truck have? Ah well there was a bridge and a tunnel and from the
bridge it went into the tunnel and out of the tunnel one crisp summer day in 1982 came this brand
new crying food truck. Screaming. Screaming this food truck came out. Did you witness this? I did
not but consumer reports from different food truck goers revealed quite a storied history for this.
Well if you can produce a birth certificate for the truck we might have something there but
otherwise it's just a plain old truck. Who was driving the truck? At the time of the conception
or the time of the birth? I presume the truck didn't exist at the time of conception so the time
of birth yeah at the time of birth it came out no driver. I don't appreciate this backseat shop
assistant you're doing. I'm clearly dealing with this customer. But to be fair they seem more
willing and interested in the truck than you so I would like to deal I think with you both. This
is why we make such a good team because people bring in strange enchanted objects. Yeah I never
said enchanted. You've enchanted me sir. Oh thank you. William it's not appropriate. I'm sorry.
Ah so it's a good pawn bad con. We're not good and bad people we're just just business partners.
And we have different outlooks. I think. Much like this truck has served so many different
outlooks. So many different cultures have been used abused taken over assimilated in this food
truck. There was Mexican food in it there was Indian food there's been Chinese every culture
you can imagine there's been food in this truck. Always a white man cooking it but nevertheless
he tried his best. How do you know all this? Again it's had a storied past and many of the
customers say ah this is the old Chinese truck. I was like I didn't know this tell me more. They
said in a crisp winter day. Gary I'm out of my depth. Crisp winter day in 1942. William we're
his last ditch effort. Think of how many other salespeople have heard this story. No it's
happening again. I'm becoming too enchanted. This is how I purchase items that are quite mundane.
Just think this is a very large item and we don't have the facility space to store it. You don't
have the facility space at our apartment to store it. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with
this. And frankly the money because I see your payroll. We don't have to talk about the money
now. We've got a customer. A crisp winter day in 1942. That's before the birth. A soldier in the
war thought about the next best man he could ever have. Which side? William. Which side sir? He was
Russian. Okay. A Russian man. William do you want this truck? I want to know why an object
can become so storied. That Russian man. Defected. So he defected to the Nazis. Oh yeah so he went
to the Nazis. So William Nazi memorabilia is worth a lot of money. Because the allied's food just
wasn't good enough. He said you know what I want. Are you trying to rationalize this with yourself?
I'm just saying. Some better food. See my payroll. Yeah and what I was gonna say just one moment.
Um do you want this because we can price it at something that's within your range.
Why? You don't have facilities for this. You don't have storage space. But if you want me to low
ball. That man was Vladimir Kukrov. The father of modern food trucks. $2,000. Oh a different currency.
They can't track me using that. Why would they track you? Who are you? I can't go into my story
as enchanting and interesting as it might be. You also have to explain how the how Alexander
Vladimir Kukrov is related to the truck at all. He was the father of modern food trucks.
Because he wanted better food and he knew that the allied scientists could never provide a mobile
food service. Was he present for the birth then? He was not. He died. As the father? Before he ever saw his first
baby. So how is he relevant? He's the father. It's his seat. It was his ideas. A seedling of an idea
that he went to the German scientists with. To the Nazi scientists. And you know what they said?
You're crazy Kukrov. They wouldn't do it. They wouldn't put a bridge in a tunnel? They wouldn't
put a bridge in a tunnel? They wouldn't do either of those things? He said these are the two elements
you need for the best food truck in the world. Because a food truck only becomes a food truck
once it goes over a tunnel and under a bridge. I need you to stay and tell me stories. No.
You have those three other customers still ambling around. You still need to finish their stories
first. You can't just kidnap customers for their stories. I'm not kidnapping anyone. I'm renting
their freedom. And then in 1794 my great great great grandfather went to Vietnam. This person
sounds crazy. I don't know what they're talking about. Okay I've looked up this I've looked up
this Vladimir guy on Wikipedia and all of this is there. Vladimir Kukrov. Yeah. You don't need to
keep him. He died. You can just install Wikipedia on your phone. He died before getting to see
the first food truck. William do you want me to install Wikipedia on your phone? Listen I could
have Wikipedia on my phone and I'd have all the knowledge in the world but I wouldn't have this
man's delightful company. The Nazi scientists threw out his blueprints and you know who found them?
A little orphan boy. A street urchin on the streets of London. That's right they threw them out
with bombs. They just threw them all out expecting the blueprints for this modern food truck to be
destroyed but it didn't get destroyed because they didn't bomb all of London. He's lost me. And a
little street urchin. He's lost me now. It just doesn't seem realistic now. What? A little orphan
rags to riches derivative. Don't worry. Hey no don't worry because he found them but was
immediately set upon by three angry men who forced him to give them up and you know who those three
men were? No one does. They wanted to stay anonymous as they created the first food truck. William are
you still interested in the truck? No. Are you interested in the man? Is the enchantment gone?
The enchantment's gone. Are you de-chanted by this man? De-chanted? Dis-chanted? I'll take the 2000s
on the table still right? No no no no. I'm sorry. In 2006. Please stop. I'm really sorry sir. My
father died. Oh no a different kind of story. Passing this food truck to my brother who lost
the business. My father's own food truck was lost and impounded for six years growing rusty
every day. It's a terrible metal outlay on it. Sir um I think we're going to ask you to reverse
the truck out of the shop now. I can't. I used up my last bit of petrol. Why does this keep happening?
Yeah I tell people I was in the Swiss army. I have the knife to prove it. They don't ask too
many more questions after that. They tend to believe me. I like to tell them that even though
the Swiss are peacekeeping people they are vicious underneath. They are vicious. They are vicious.
They are peacekeeping people. They are vicious underneath. You know how much blood I've had on
my knife I said to them? So much that I can't get it clean anymore. It's permanently stained.
I've killed dozens. At least that's what I tell them. I haven't killed a single person before.
No no. I've been to Switzerland. Yeah the knife's from there. Tried to open a bank account. Didn't
have enough money but they gave me this knife to say sorry. Kind folk up there. Tried speaking to
a couple of them. Their English is very good but they don't want to talk to me. That's for sure.
But yeah. Yeah. I went around the Swiss countryside trying to make as many friends as I could.
I came back with less than ever before. It's very cold out there. No one really told me that.
I had hoped that once I got my bank account set up that you know I'd be able to buy a coat or so.
But uh whenever I wasn't able to set up my account well I had no money. All I had was that knife and
I tried to trade it. But it turns out a lot of people in Switzerland have that knife. So it's
not really worth that much. And yes at one point I did try to enter the army but I mean why would
they let someone like me in? I'm not from there. As much as I told them I will offer my body up
I will put it on the line. They said your body is worthless to us. Do you know how it feels to be
told that your body is worthless? Yeah ever since that day I've been trying to prove myself. That's
why I tell people that I was in the army. You know you look at me and think that guy's not a killing
machine. Once I tell them I was in the army they think god he must have killed hundreds.
Yeah people look at me and uh well they do question. They do question what I get up to at night
whenever I flick on that neon sign. Open for business. Yeah.
Ever since the Swiss army told me my body was worthless I've been proving them wrong.
Floor two please. Hey just press it yourself. Oh it's just that you're closer. Yeah I don't work
here it's just. I know I was just asking to be polite. I had this whole conversation with him.
He just won't press. I'm just saying. What floor were you going to? Four. It's self. Yeah I know
I'm beside it but it's. I mean don't stand beside the numbers. It's self service. It is self service
but don't stand right beside it and block everyone else if you're not going to press the thing. It's
all upset. We've had this conversation. I'm not blocking it. I'm just standing here. There's no
like reserved standing zone in the elevator. I can stand in whatever part of the elevator.
It's an unwritten rule that if you're there like it's it's not much of a thing to just press the
button. It's not. I mean it's not my floor. Why am I going to press it? All right well I'm going
to press it here too. Hold on. Does it light up? It usually does yeah. Oh it's not. It's not working.
You can. I can go to three and then go down. And go down. Hold on that's not. That's good
obvious. That's not working. I'm writing off. Now that I think about it four didn't actually light
up either. Well it's only two stories. I'll just walk. Yeah. The door isn't. That's not opening.
Are we. Are we stuck in here? I don't work here. Why are you asking me? Look it's not a thing about.
I'm not an elevator maintenance personnel technician. Well what floor were you going to?
I work on five. So you were going to five. We're not going anywhere now. Well I'm going to press
the emergency button. Oh you do press buttons. Oh. That's not working either. So the emergency
button. The button that you press in emergencies isn't working. That's meant to ring the man. To
help the elevator technician I want to call him. I don't know. Groups. Does anyone have any service
in their phone? I left my phone at my desk. I have mine here but it's. No there's no service.
Seems odd because we're still in the building. I only have a work phone but I'm not sure if this
is a work activity so better not. I think it's an emergency. You're in work. Are you being paid
right now? Not until I'm on level five. Would they shout at you for using your phone? Can you not just
use your phone? Well I'm on lunch from whenever I leave my desk to whenever I get back to my desk
so while I'm still in the elevator technically I'm still on lunch. So you're losing money the
longer this day. So you're you're rewarded if you use your phone here. Well no because I shouldn't
be using the phone during my lunch. But there's an incentive. Because then it would be work time.
But there's an incentive for you to get out of here as quick as possible. Can you just even
check the phone for. Well yeah the phone has signal. The phone has signal. What I'm saying is.
Fuck me just use the phone. Ring someone. We're trapped. What if you want to stay. What happens
if we stay here overnight? Are you on lunch the whole day? I'm not staying here overnight.
Well I'd probably get written up for it because I have to be back by two o'clock.
So you've got half an hour. Yeah so you know. We're doing okay. No we're. Ring the fucking elevator.
It's not a work activity. It is a work. You're trying to get to work. Getting to work is a work
activity. Getting to work is your own responsibility. Not whenever it's the work elevator that
doesn't work. These are different companies. I understand yes it's the elevator in the building.
Every floor is a different company. Sure. It's starting to get very hot and. It is.
I'm starting to freak out a wee bit. I had. I got a large drink at lunch. So I don't
know how long I have. And all I'm saying is just ring your fucking phone.
Now I'm glad we have a quorum going but we currently need to nominate someone to be chair.
Can anyone want to volunteer? Do they need to be in this room?
To volunteer? I mean they can Skype in. Yeah. Who are you thinking of? Who are you thinking of?
No I'm just asking. Is the pressure on me to have to come up with someone?
I'm hoping you would volunteer. Look someone needs to volunteer and then someone can second.
I'm just hoping you would volunteer. You would be great at it. Yeah but you're taking the lead on
all of this. Yeah so you don't have to do much. I can do. I can. Look if I go for chair and I get
chair. Yeah. You're not going to like fuck me over right? You're not going to leave me in the lurch.
No I'm going to second it don't worry. Yeah no that's what I mean. You don't want to be
second? No I'll if I'm chair. Yeah. Do I have to do the duties myself? No I'll do them for you.
You just need another signature and documents. Oh yeah okay. We just need enough for quorum really.
I put myself forward as chair. Anyone want to second it? I'd like to veto it.
Yeah you can't veto it. You're biased. I just wanted to give it some contention.
It's not needed. Not for this one but I would like to suggest my son for maybe
10 years down the line. I'm pretty hopeful. Pretty hopeful he's got strong leader genetics.
He's eight but when he's 18 I can see him commanding a legion. I mean if it's the genetics
why wouldn't you stand? Oh it's from my wife's genetics. I'm weak. I mean fair enough. Yeah.
But is that okay 10 years down the line? Oh we can't lock that in now. The chair could make
a decision like that but I'm not the chair. We may not have voting rights 10 years from now so.
Okay well um do you want to give it to him now? I'm up for it but I just kind of wanted to let him
experience it. I'll second it yeah. Yeah I'll second it. He's eight he's great he's never late.
There we go second it. We've got a chair that's great. Oh wow. Yeah that was much easier.
Oh I was kind of you just kind of got me worked up. I was I was looking forward to it.
I was thinking that I could change my email signature. You can do that anyway. I'm not gonna
you can say I support the eight-year-old. No I wanted to say that I was chair.
I could have changed my LinkedIn. I mean if you if you can you second me as a skill on LinkedIn
as chair? I'm not on LinkedIn. Neither is uh is my son so he couldn't do it. He's too young for that
site. Trying to get him a Bible though because he's got some really good headshots. Got him a
little tux. Very expensive. Satin. I'm looking forward to working with him. Oh yeah he's great.
He's great. Why? He tells me what to do. Clean the dishes. All right. Do my homework. Okay calm down.
I'm not going to do my homework. Is that what he's feeling? I thought he did quite good in that essay on
Marmalade. I mean he seemed very frustrated by his result. Well I guess it was right about your
favorite food. His favorite food's Marmalade. My favorite food not Marmalade. I tried my best.
Like he kind of dictated some points to me but then he he got distracted by this like kite that
was flying outside so he went outside so I just kind of finished up the rest. I mean I appreciated
his advice on the kite and he gave me some good business advice. Yeah so just make sure if like
you're chairing a meeting no kites. So that seems reasonable. So is the loophole that he's putting
his son forward for him to do his son's work so that he can be chair? No no the son's the chair.
Mmm yeah. You are voted just don't be a sore loser. I didn't vote. Yeah you know. I didn't vote for
the son. No you nominated. Why not? Because she was one of the nominations. Yeah well you can change
your mind. You can change your mind. No I want to be. He's not going to be happy. I changed my mind
from not wanting to be chair. I want to be the chair now. Vote for him. He'll hurt you. I'm doing
this for you now. He'll hurt me. He cracks a mean whip. He cracks a mean whip. No literally. Okay I'm
gonna permission to take off my shirt? No. No. Deny it. Well it's okay because my shirt is torn
in the back. Cat of nine tails. Oh god. Did that himself yeah. Can we help you in any way? Is this
a crime for help? No no I think it's. Sorry sorry um you're not the chair you don't get to make
offers like that. You can offer to help on your own free time but not as part of the board. Jill
I don't think his son is gonna help him out. He's gonna help us out. Oh yeah he's a strong leader.
Look at that. That's no nonsense. I reckon with that kind of attitude we can get 10 to 15 percent
of our gardening bill and those teenagers they're not gonna be drinking in the garden anymore. Do
bear in mind it is an eight-year-old. Yeah. Yeah so we can't. He's a great year old. Yeah sure. So he
can't be trialed as an adult. Well there's that but I'm also thinking do we give him the full
jurisdiction that he would have as an adult chair? Yeah. More of a high seat role you know. Uh he's
not a baby. Okay booster like in the cinema. Okay um I have to ask do you think it's a literal chair?
Is that why you wanted it? Do you want a nice chair? Do you want something with a throne?
Is there a throne though? Because we take it. Was there a chair? No no this is this is all this is
the position of a chair. So your son's wouldn't be interested? He'd be interested but if a throne was
going I could see him in his little satin suit. I mean I talked to him and he quite clearly knows
what the role of a chair is. I'm sorry I'm already seen far into the future where your son's trying
to get the dry cleaning bill through us like trying to comp that. I don't want this feels like a slippery
slope. He should be allowed to have that comp. He's putting wet blood and tears into his job. He's putting your
blood into this. Look if he if he can get 400 pounds of our gardening bills annually I don't
mind paying for dry cleaning. You'll pay for dry cleaning? No garden stuff. Look if he's a failure
then we just vote him out and if he commits criminal acts I don't know about that. Why would we
monitor him? As long as you back me up and court him. Do you have any more children? Um yeah but
they're not worth we're all talking about. Yeah I'll back you up. Okay let's feed him. No not right
now. Whenever he's once he messes up. No I don't know I'm getting cold feet. I kind of want my chair
roll back. You're gonna get whipped. Sorry back you never had it. You were nominated. Yeah I was so
close. So close. I could smell it. I could smell the sweat on the cushions. Not a literal chair.
I know. You keep looking at that big office chair in the corner this leather and
you know you can sit on it if you want. Yeah it's an appealing chair. Look the seat's not used. You
can use it. You don't need to be nominated to. No I'm not saying that I just I'm not saying that I
need a chair with back support. I'm just saying. I don't need a chair with back support because my
back is fucked up. Can't really lean against anything. I don't trust this kid. That's fine.
Back me up and court him. Vote with no confidence. Sorry court is just when you have enough people to
vote. Yeah. Whoa Jill come on you just said you back me up. Once the kid messes up. He won't.
He's not gonna mess up. You're putting this chair into good hands. Look at the marks in this man's
back. I did wrong by my son. I see ambition. I see a man who's a boy who's uh willing to
get his ways using unorthodox methods. Yeah. It'll also be nice to have someone who can finally
fight those teenagers. You can break out the whip. I found out I was down drinking in the garden.
We can't hit them. I mean he'll be able to take out like one each but just one uh one swoop. Yeah
that's some fine craftsmanship in your back. We can't hit them. They keep saying what are you
gonna do. Oh my god that's such a good point. Yeah adults can't fight teenagers but teenagers
can't fight children. Yeah so we win by the reverse picking order. It's it's foolproof. I don't want
this on my conscience. I don't want to back a child to hit children. Teenagers? Yeah. You're
backing a child to teenagers. That's okay. You can't hit the child. Adults can't hit teenagers.
God so many loopholes in this. Oh yeah I mean the law is really just a game for us to play. I'm
already seeing the mural as well of him chasing the teenagers out. Yeah yeah yeah we'll have this.
It's a garden. We can't have more murals of people being chased out of town. I mean if he asks for it
he'll get it. Oh I'm ready to veto Homa.
Oh you all right there fella? You look. No I'm I uh no I have to get out of here. Use your phone.
Use your phone. Use your phone now or I'll I don't know what I'm gonna do. The lad's sitting on the
floor. Come on use your phone help I'm out here. I will get written up if I use my phone in a non
work time. We'll come in as character witnesses saying what they will see what happens. It's not
for work. You don't work on level five. You don't know what it's like to have my job. No I don't
know what it's like to have your job. If I'm coming along to say can you do this for me? Can you press number two?
Like the guy's peels. Stand somewhere else. Oh fuck. It's all we're not even asking you to stand somewhere else.
We're just saying if you were standing there. You told me to stand somewhere else. I said if you
weren't going to press the button that would be helpful. Is he moving? Hey.
Hey the fucking re-use your phone. Use your phone. Like the guy's on the floor.
I think he's right. Use the phone. Use the phone. This is now an emergency. I'll call my supervisor. Thank you.
Hello yeah I'm at. Yes I know I'm at lunch. Yes no. Yes I'm no I'm not back at my desk but no I
shouldn't be. We're in the elevator. It's telling me we're in the elevator. He says that he's going to block the access to my phone
for using it during non-work time. No I know that but um. I'm on shit himself. Yeah the files are if you look
under. We're in an elevator. Uh under under V. Fucking game. Under V. Fucking V. Godness. Yeah that's
that's don't you know. Yeah they're probably there. Don't don't worry about that. No no I did I did do
that that piece of work. The the forms are definitely being filed. Hey Phil are you still awake?
Don't you worry don't worry about that. No just tell him your problem. The guy's the guy's collapsed
and shot himself. I'm out of credit. You've credit on a company phone. Yeah they don't want us using
it too much. Well get used to the smell of shit. Don't you tell me what to do. I'm not telling you
what to do. I'm telling you what's going to happen. You're saying get used to the smell of shit. I'll not get used to it if I want to.
No I think it's a. I'm going to be constantly bothered by it. If that's all right with you. It's a biological
function. You don't have a say in this. Your nose naturally gets more used to it. So after a while you
won't even get used to it. No. The second smell. I'm going to consciously make an effort to notice the smell.
You walk into a room. Every. Moment. The second time you sniff you lose 90 percent of the scent of that room. You're already only smelling 10 percent of that room.
You have a lack of olfactory abilities. No you can't control what you smell. Are you saying that I'm less of a person?
I'm not saying you're less of a person. I'm saying you don't have the. I'm saying every person is the same type of person. You don't have this. You're not. This guy has fainted. This is you. You're so small. You're less of a man.
Because you're not less of a man. Well thank you. Thank you for finally admitting that I'm not less of a man. I'll just use the emergency key and I'll get this elevator back working.
And now that you've admitted I'm not less of a man. Thank you very much. What? What the fuck? I do have an emergency key for the elevator but I just didn't want to use it while you were calling me less of a man.
I never called you. The only time that you could recall less of a man was in the last minute and that was on your own behalf. After saying I shouldn't stand here next to where the emergency key goes.
So this is all because I. You're trying to drive me away from the spot where I'd be most useful in case of an emergency not knowing that there's more to life than you might know about.
So this is all because when I came in I asked you to move over. Yes it is.
Back to Dunbracken is created produced and edited by Conneth McVeigh. For more information on the podcast you can follow us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Marcus Keighley, Gerard Donley, Niall McKenna and Aaron Marshall.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.