Hello, I'm going to try and keep this as short and sweet as possible. This is Conleth, I'm
the creator of Dunbracken, will not keep you long. This week I've been very busy being
on holiday and just didn't have time to make a new episode. I had a load in the backlog
but being on holiday for the past month I have run through those. So you're getting
something that's not quite an official episode. This is non-canon but still a lot a lot of
fun. It's the same shit you're used to. This is actually the very first recording that
we ever made for this show and we were trying to work out what it was. It's really really
funny. Just the audio still wasn't quite there. So while we were knocking it out of the park
the audio wasn't quite there so I never wanted to release it as part of the actual episode.
It features Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Jared Donnelly and myself. Then secondly, we're
coming up to the end of the second season. There will be 22 episodes in this season,
one more than the last. Because we always outdo ourselves. In October we're going to
be doing a little bit different. I've been writing a little narrative thing that's going
on in the town and we'll be putting out every week in October. There's a little mini series,
a true crime mini series throughout the town. Something a little bit different, a little
bit spookier for Halloween. You will find out about that on the first Tuesday of October.
And lastly, some amazing news that we can finally share. So the improv team that I'm
a part of and have been part of many of the Dumbraken episodes, Turnstile, we are performing
in Dublin in November at ImprovFest Ireland. Which, as you may have guessed, is an improv
festival in Ireland. We'll be performing on Wednesday the 13th of November and what's
even cooler than just performing at the festival, we're opening the whole goddamn thing. Which
is awesome. And if you listen to Dumbraken and are going to that to Dublin in November,
let us know. Anyway, enjoy this montage that involves trains, mattresses and love.
Find it weird that they built the train tracks, but they never brought a train through. Yeah,
I thought they just were giving us the option, you know, like the tracks are there. If you
ever want to make a train to go on the tracks and there you go, you've got the infrastructure,
but I've already got a day job. I can't just make a train. I feel like you guys are building
my job, which is stop children going on the tracks. You're not very good at that though.
Tracks are dangerous. Trains come up so quickly you can barely hear. A train has never come
through to Dumbraken. But I would agree with that statement. Trains can't sneak up on you.
Look, I'm not saying the trains can't sneak up on you. That's not what I'm saying, guys.
We all know the deadly toll that a train can take. Hey, can I check your guys' tickets,
please? I've got my staff ID. No, tickets for the train. Oh, do I need a ticket as well?
I'm so sorry. I thought this was a novelty, but I do have one. I didn't know that it was.
Here you go. Here's you building my job again. I just thought because he sold them in the
town hall on the day of it, but I, you know, it's been like a good six weeks now. But you
have a ticket. Yeah, I bought one of the grand openings six weeks ago. I'm grateful for it.
What about you two? I have a child's ticket. Which child? To be fair, we are recently 18,
so the child's ticket was bought six weeks ago when he was still 17. So that still still
counts. I fought as part of the staff. I wouldn't need a ticket. Do you have a ticket? I don't
I don't travel in the train, so just check. I don't get on the train either. I just know
people getting near it when it's in motion. Yeah. How do you get to your spot? Jim, no
one ever get the train there. No, there's never a train. I feel like you're building
your job. You're doing a great job. There isn't a train now. It doesn't mean you don't
need tickets. They come up so quickly. Yes, exactly. Do you know how much I hear this
as an excuse? Oh, there isn't a train. Why would I need a ticket? I'm very sorry. I will.
You let me do my job today and then tomorrow I will get to season. Will I let you do your
job today? I will get to see. Don't patronize me. I'm sorry. Just because I'm a glorified
hole punch. Jim, it did feel like you were bludgeoning her job. Just I save lives and
she does admin. Admin is important. Admin. Thank you. Admin saves lives too, though,
Jim. Yeah. I don't want to be critical, but I feel like he usually punched a ticket when
they're getting on the train. There's no train. I just need to. I just yeah. I just need to
check. I can hear that tone and I'm sorry if I. Yeah, you did hurt me. I think I'm just
passing on aggression. I think he was talking about my tone actually. Jim, just because
you're a year older than us, you think you can just say what our tones are all the time?
You guys are going to understand because that kicked me out as soon as they turned 18 and
you guys don't notice yet, but as soon as you go back, those locks are going to be changed.
Really? 100 percent. But we just turned 18 yesterday, but we spent the whole day with
you. You saying that? That's going to. I mean, that's what he did with me. I don't see why
he would treat you two differently. We're twins. Are there any other jobs going to keep
kids off the tracks? I think it's something I could do. It's not up to me. It's not my
job to give. Do you want to print the tickets? No, I just called dad and it was a blocked
number. Oh, you have his number. Don't implicate me in your family, Jim. I just I thought I
did, but it says the number is no longer available. Yeah, I think I know before we left, he took
my phone off me and it looks like he's deleted his number off my phone. Cool, because I was
actually planning on doing that anyway. Once I turned 18. So you were going to get rid
of that was going to happen. I also don't have your father's number. Sounds like you
know. No, I don't know him. Sounds like you do. Jeremy McLean. Best in the game. So mattresses,
you know, the mattress. Well, legally, he is not allowed to be called the mattress king.
Well, after town, consider some mattress king after telling the mattress prime minister.
Yeah, it's it's been a long debate.
Jeremy McLean. Best in the game. I'm here on mattress talk hour to talk about mattresses.
We appear to have no callers on the line just yet. But if my sons do hear this broadcast,
please do not call in. Do not call in. I have left mattresses outside the house for you.
That is the only gift I will give you. My father did something similar to me grow up.
Oh, Jeremy, call in line one. Kill the line. I don't want to speak to them. I haven't
screened it. I don't know if it's your son. Hey, is that Jeremy? Should I have the mattress
prime minister? I accepted the call. I hit the wrong button. Hey there, I was wondering
if I had a king size bed and I tried to put a queen size mattress, but then also a single
bed. Would that be OK? Jeremy, do you need me to get this man off the line? I got this.
Look, just repeat your question for me. So I have a king size bed, but I got a four.
OK, that's the problem. Only I have the king size bed. What about your prime minister line?
Can I have one of them? Want a position? No, I want a mattress, Jeremy. This isn't that
kind of show. It was a trick question. I was told. Please don't. The outford said buy your
mattress. Please don't waste Mr. McLean's time. The position you should want is to be
lying down on a mattress. You obviously don't want it that much. So we have a new line of
mattresses coming in soon. They are very aerated mattresses. When you sit down, you can hear
them wheeze. Hey, hey, baby, just got a new mattress from the mattress king out there.
That's pretty excited. This is OK. OK, I know this is still like the honeymoon period, but
before we do, I just like to say that he's the mattress prime minister. Oh, no, no. What's
the size mattress that you get? The king size. Oh, is that compatible with my MP bed frame?
I was. What is my. You're going to love this. We're going to break both of them. Don't worry
about it. It's going to be great. Oh, you know what you just go through the sliding
door. You ordered it. You could you could help us out here. What's your full title?
Here's McLean. Best in the game mattress prime minister. Thank you. Thank you. Do you change
that? Was it always prime minister? It was given to me. He voted for it. When? I keep
telling you, you need to be more involved in politics. It's so hard to keep up with
who's the prime minister and who's the king. Look, can I have the bed? They won't be any
more kings. His sons are failures. What's your name? Me? Yeah. Just want to check I
got the right one for the order. Carl Richard. Hi, Carl. It seems there's been a mistake.
You ordered the you ordered the king size. Sorry. I think it's been a second mistake.
I thought we were going to hyphenate our name. Wilson Richard. Yes. Sorry. It's Carl Wilson.
I've given you a significant look like a fool. You make yourself look like a fool. I've given
you a significantly smaller mattress. It's not a king size because only I'm allowed to
sleep on a king size. I don't really care what size it is because she's going to be
breaking it in alone tonight. Is it suitable for a child? Don't don't bring them problems
in front of the prime minister. You brought them up when you had to just correct me. You
couldn't have just let it slide. I waited until afterwards. I just I didn't feel respected.
It's not that I don't respect you. No, I just it's a new thing. I forget that it's hyphenated.
You know, I'll get there eventually. It's just why can't you wait for me to get there
on my own? Jesus Christ. What's wrong with you people? What's wrong with you people?
You can you not solve this in your own time? I'm a busy man. We're in our own house. Prime
minister. This is our own time. Thank you, honey, for giving him only a better title.
I do appreciate that. I'm trying. Look, I'm going to leave this infant sized mattress
here for you. Hope things work out a bit better. I'm an infant size. I thought it was for a
king. No, you're not getting the king only I can get the king. So I got you a significantly
smaller one. One for a child. What do you say? We keep it because maybe we need it in the
near future. You think so? I really think so. Mr. And Mrs. Rigid Wilson. So is this
actually it's Wilson rigid. Well done, honey. You're welcome, honey. Sorry. I don't know
which of you filled out the paperwork here. I'm just reading what's in front of me. Oh,
it was maybe me then. I'm sorry. Sorry, you corrected yourself. So Mr. And Mrs. Wilson
rigid. Yes. OK, sorry. Sorry about that, doctor. So is this your first time doing couples therapy?
It's my first time with him. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. That's why I recommended
you normally start with that Wilson. Yes, of course. Of course. Normally I would start
with how did you meet, you know, very basic and your waiting room doctor. We did. We had
a delivery man. Really? Yes. I was a delivery man to my office. Yeah. I do not remember
you. That's fine. I probably never. We never. I don't really remember you that much either.
You dyed your hair. It's blue now. Very alternative. Used to be blonde tonight's blue. God, I remember
you. You really went through it. I suggested that. I said, you know, it'd be cool. Blue
hair. I thought I can do it with his support. All right. I think you guys don't need me.
We're looking to have a baby doctor. Oh, and I feel like last time I came here and it's
so well that I thought maybe you could give some more advice. It ended well and you have
an affair. No, no, no. I did break up with him before we started seeing each other. Not
me. She broke up with her last boy. Yes. Oh, yeah. So you had the affair. No, the start
of this relationship. No, no, no. It would maybe emotionally, but definitely emotionally.
As you know, my ex husband was emotionally unavailable. So and then I see I am. He has
our dog. I tried to get it back, but he's a lot bigger than me. The dog. It's a massive
dog. I was not prepared. I only brought a baby seat in the car. I couldn't fit the dog
in. It's probably for the best. So you're planning. You really are serious about this
baby thing. Yeah. Wow. We thought first we'd get her dog, but unfortunately it's huge.
So if I recall correctly, it was what? One year ago that we finished sessions or there,
but maybe less than a year ago. Yes, it was a year ago. I guess it went pretty quick.
You're married, doctor. Yes, we got married after six months. The double barrel implies
that. Yes.
Hi, sorry. I'm just gonna move my suitcases in here. So is it rigid Wilson? No, it's Wilson
rigid. So proud of you. I mean, it's good that we're talking about this now because
as of tomorrow, whenever it hits midnight tonight, whenever I wake up, I will be calling
you mom and dad. We're going ahead with this trial period. Okay. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So we'll
settle that note. I'm done. You're a lot more formal than I expected. You know, you're a
little older than I expected to. Well, I mean, you can just have a proper child come in here.
Right? He needs someone that has a bit of where we're fall. But don't worry. I've been,
I've been told I'm a great child actor. No, but see, you just said that this wasn't a
house fit for a home and that actually makes your, your, your dear old dad a little sad.
Would you fit under bed? It is a child size, infant, infant size, infant size bed. I can
make myself extremely small. Can we see it? Wow. Oh, wow. You're tiny. That is, I don't
understand what you did with your legs. I can only maintain this, um, you know, small
amounts of time. So sleeping definitely, but you know, if you see me get bigger eventually,
just ignore it. You know, just treat me as your, as your child. And you know, if, if
we ever need to break, we can do a safe word. That feels unnecessarily formal. I feel like
I could just say I'm uncomfortable with this situation. But what do I say? I actually have
a problem expressing my feelings. So I wouldn't mind the safe word. Okay. I mean, you could
also, you know, like text me and I could communicate it as well. I don't know why we need a particular
word. We all have to be clued in here. I mean, I need to be clued in with the text as well.
I don't know how to do that. I have predictive text. Well, this is where a safe word would
actually come in a bit handier because you could just say it rather than having to text
it. Belgium. Oh, Belgium. Okay. A child also would not have a phone. Oh, I have a lot of
family in Belgium. Oh, yeah. That's probably why it was in my hands. We were talking with
your mother. Oh, do you have your passport? No. Because we were planning an overnight
flight next week. Yes. To see her family. Well, I probably thought we'd introduce the
little one. I probably shouldn't leave the country during this time. You'd need to come
up with some arrangement to have someone look after me. I don't mean this in a rude way,
but I feel like I would rather have my family meet her forever, baby. Okay, we'll leave
this one back then. Yeah, we just say it with passport problem. That's not even a lie. That's
a legitimate thing. Just to be clear, you're not leaving me back. I mean, we can, you know,
end this at any time. No, no, we're going to get a babysitter. Don't worry. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Because I have actually, I kind of scheduled a couple of things. Whenever we do get our
forever baby, you will be out on the street. I'll probably be with another family. Okay.
So we're okay. We will get nine months. That's a good point. Yes. Yeah. What's nine months?
That's how long the adoption process take. Yeah. She does not like my body. Yeah. Really
three months away from getting getting onto the adoption program. No getting on each other.
Just the adoption process of her body has taken longer than expected. I mean, whenever
you have a child, while they might not understand this kind of thing, it might be kind of unsettling
to discuss it. I know we haven't. It's okay. We will have already done the deed. I guess
we won't have to do it again. Am I giving away too much? Am I giving away too much information?
I believe he's not, he's not midnight yet. He's not the child just yet. Oh, okay. So
it will, it will help kind of inform a couple of things. This is sort of like a safe discussion.
Also by the way, whenever you get a child, if you're thinking of having a second one,
I am kind of a safe word. I think our safe word should be sex because we're not going
to say that. At least three months away. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Will I make that my safe word
as well? Are you okay with that? Or do you want to keep it just put it on? It would unsettle
me if my child said sex too much, but I guess, but I think at that moment you would realize
that's not your child anymore. That's not my child. Yeah. It's not the other. As soon
as he exclaimed sex, he's no longer my child. Yeah. Is that the deal? I think that could
work. Um, a while like I'm happy enough to be fed baby food. I will spit that out if
you can just like leave a roast in the room. Oh, I can, I do agree. Um, well I, I do a
great impression of what I think a train sounds like. I haven't seen one myself yet. No. Uh,
well see children shouldn't know what the train sounds like because they're away from
the train. They don't know things. I can, that's, that's, that's so, I'm glad we're
doing this trial run. So am I. No, get off, get off the tracks. Get off the tracks. I'm
enjoying this too much. No, you're still my child. Jeremy, don't do my job for me. I can
do it myself. This is still my child. He hasn't said the word. Get off the track. I can do
the job. Stop doing it for me. Do the job then. See if my son, I don't need safe. I'm
pretty happy. Yeah. Small child. You may not. Thank you. Trains sneak up on you. Don't forget
that. I'm about to educate him on trains. Now, if you would take this pamphlet, it's
very wordy. It is trains provide a lot of various dangers to them. Uh, the most well
known of them is how stealthy they are at the great velocities. I wish you travel.
I'm sorry. Do you guys have tickets? Yes. Here's my seat. All right. And you, I don't
plan on getting on a train. I'm just going to stand the tracks. You are, you are on the
tracks. I have her Sarah. So you will need my ticket has deteriorated a lot. Can I replace
it? It should last you the season. It's just you've punched 145. Yeah. You shouldn't get
the train that much. I'm here every day. Oh, the pamphlet actually has like a free ticket
in the back. I'll use that. Yeah. It's very long. I'm sorry. That's this child's ticket
there. I'm a child. No, you're not. That's my son. What age am I? What age is he? He's
an age or old boy. No, he's not. Yes. That's you. Do you want to see the contract? You
shouldn't have a contract for the age of your son. He's my son until he says six. That's
how it works. What? That's, uh, can I just, what's that word? It's been a very long child
period by the way, until you say what word? Sex. So he's not your child anymore. No, until
he says it. Wait, can I just, is that the safe word being used? No, no, no, no. You're
okay. Oh no. So you owe me for an adult ticket. Just so if you're not, if you're an adult,
you can play on the tracks. You grew up so fast. That's another job well done.