And this boat, I've been living in it.
I mean, you say it's a boathouse.
Well, it's-
The boat you live in.
The boat is where your heart is.
Isn't that the saying on the sea?
Um, I'm not a sailor, I wouldn't know, but I mean, your heart doesn't seem in it either.
It's not.
It's still with Jessica, but-
She shared one Facebook post about sailors.
I don't think she's into sailors.
Look, she won't talk to me right now, so I'm just hedging my bets that I'm-
She won't talk to you because you haven't talked to her.
She doesn't know you exist.
Look, it's better this way that she comes up to me naturally, unexpected.
So you think she's gonna be by the ocean one day?
What?
See you sail past and go, that's the man of my dreams.
I don't know how to sail it.
Look, just- oh.
Um, I was gonna say, just because I met my husband that way doesn't mean it's gonna happen
twice, but you need to learn how to sail it at the very least.
I thought she'd maybe just walk by the pier one day and then-
And then she- what if she says, let's sail away to the horizon?
I'd say, let's do it tomorrow, and then I'd get overnight classes from you was my plan.
I don't know how to sail, that's why I married Jerry.
Oh my god, so I need to go- ha.
Jerry will teach you though.
Okay, that's good.
Don't run away with him, I swear to god.
I won't, I won't, I swear.
I mean, you say that, he's very dreamy.
Well, I have my eyes focused on Jessica until an inevitable rejection, so.
It could happen.
It's unlikely, but it could.
I think she'll walk by the pier.
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
Hello, and welcome to the yacht club, sir.
Thank you.
Where should I, where should I park my yachts?
Oh, I see you brought a yacht with you.
Well, I thought, since it was a yacht club, it was somewhat appropriate to bring a yacht
for the night.
Yes, but usually you don't, you usually don't take them out of the water, sir.
We've no equipment here at the moment to possibly-
Is this, or is this not a yacht club?
This is the yacht club.
And I have brought my yacht with me.
What's the problem, sir?
We have no way to get the yacht into the water, sir.
That forward planning, I rather think of that as a you problem rather than a me problem.
Yes, but usually people sail their yachts here.
They do.
And then you put it onto the back of a lorry.
Well, I needed to get it into the club.
Oh, I see.
You think the yacht actually goes in the club.
Yes, it's a yacht club.
Yes.
It's not a club for yachts.
Yes, sir, but no, this is just the yacht club where we, you know, there's a bar here,
a room where people can chat and-
My yacht doesn't drink.
Yes, sir, but, um, look-
Do you totally know?
No, I think there's been a misunderstanding, sir.
Yachts usually arrive at the back of the building where it looks out on the marina.
My yacht will not be taking any tradesman's entrance.
My yacht is a front door yacht.
Front door yacht.
You've never come in from the back.
Do you know either who I am?
No, sir, I'm terribly sorry.
So we did, we did totally gloss over the old introduction.
I'm Earl Tarquin Sandwich the 17th.
I'm a front door person.
My yacht is a front door yacht.
There will be no back door anything.
Unfortunately, the water is at the back, sir.
I'm, I'm terribly sorry.
Bring it around the front then.
You want us to entirely, like, move the yacht club around?
I mean, that's, I mean, I'm rather inconvenienced about it.
What's been happening so far, I think, is the least you can do.
Do you do this for any form of waterway that you have in and around your house, sir?
No, just this one.
You just want us to do this one?
You, so it's not a rule that you follow, say, at home?
Well, at home, the water's in the right place for my yacht at the front.
OK, then.
You see?
Well, sir, I hate to be very rude, but possibly maybe you should go back there and put the
yacht back in the water.
Very dare you, sir.
I just, I just don't think it's very viable for you to come in as a new member to come
in and just dictate that we should be...
I'm outraged.
Yes, sir.
I will be, I will be bringing this up at the club later on, the motorcycle club.
And what, and what are you taking to the motorcycle club, sir?
What do you think I'm bringing to the motorcycle club, sir?
A motorcycle, sir.
Is there one on the yacht?
Yes, the one on the yacht.
Well, I can drive it off the yacht onto the road.
How are you going to get it off the yacht, sir, if you don't mind me asking?
The crane.
You've got a crane with you?
Yes.
Why didn't you say so, sir?
I left it at the crane club.
Um, could you take off your baseball cap?
I'm trying to draw you and the angle of the cap is very difficult.
I can't do that.
Please take it off like a duck, Bill.
I just don't know how to draw it.
No, I can't do that.
Why not?
Because it's, I don't want my hair to be sketched for all of living history all of time.
You can't see my hair.
The alternative is that I draw your baseball cap and the angle is so weird.
Like I know I'm looking at it and it shouldn't be hard to draw, but I struggle.
I put it in the wash and it never came out right, but it's my only hat and I have to
come today.
I just, I just want to draw it a moment and the moment doesn't want to be drawn.
Please just take it off.
I'm great with hair.
Look at these other sketches.
I'm so good with hair.
You're great with hair, but I made a mistake.
You can fix it.
Can you fix it?
Can you draw a hair on me?
I will if you take the hat off.
That isn't my hair.
And how are we getting on over here?
Oh, you're doing really well.
This is a great initial outline.
He won't take off the hat.
He wants me to take my hat off.
I want to take off the hat.
Jeremy, you know what you agreed to come in to model for us today?
Yeah, this was my last chance.
Well, that's being quite extreme.
But I made a mistake.
I tried to look good and it went wrong.
You look great.
It's just a hat.
You're going to be drawn and painted.
How you've turned up today.
That's the beauty of it.
And I've taken everything else off.
All right.
I took all my other clothes off.
It's how you arrived.
Yeah.
I wanted to look really good.
That's why we honor this.
I wanted to look really good and all my clothes suck.
And it's great and I've drawn everything from the nose down.
But I made a mistake with my hair today.
Jeremy, we don't judge our subjects.
OK.
We're so grateful that someone has come to this studio and agreed to stand here for nine
hours.
And you said naked optional.
You said that.
You said you didn't have to do it, but it's your choice.
Optional.
Come as you are.
Yeah.
I haven't judged anything about my.
I haven't judged anything.
None of us have.
Have you guys?
Has anyone judged my weird hip?
Your hip's not weird.
OK, right.
OK.
Why is this your last chance, Jeremy?
You've modeled with us before.
We're great fans of you here.
You're great.
You have very angular hips.
Thank you.
They're so easy to draw.
It's just two lines.
You're the best model we have for our beginners classes.
Oh, this is so nice.
If I get your hair right, I can go to intermediate.
Oh, Bill, you deserve intermediate.
I think so.
You deserve that so much.
Bill, I think you're a wonderful artist.
And this is a beautiful picture that you're doing today.
I just think maybe it would be in your best interest if you repeated beginners again.
There's always some new basics to learn.
What can I do?
I just can't draw the hat.
OK, OK.
It's just that it looks like a duckbill.
And duckbills are hard to draw.
This is my last chance.
I made a mistake on my hair.
Fine, OK, I'll take it off.
No.
You know what?
It's the last chance from one of us.
And it doesn't need to be you.
That's very honorable, Phil.
I think beauty and art is depicting the world as it is.
And if I am an artist who needs to take the beginners class again and again and again,
and that is what will be depicted.
I'm so glad you understand that, Phil.
No, OK?
It's my last chance, dammit.
I'm getting a picture that's going to live on beyond me and I'm going to take my hat
off.
Jeremy, will you stop saying that this is your last chance to model?
Why?
I got a job on a cruise line.
You're going to be a conga line instructor.
Who the fuck is my beginner's going to draw on?
Wait, so you're going to go with it if this works well or not?
Yeah.
Take off the hat.
Why am I doing a self-sacrifice if the outcome doesn't matter to you?
This is ridiculous.
The outcome does matter to me.
Phil.
I'm going to add an extra angle to your head.
No, Phil, look.
I was going to leave this for my parents to remember me by for the six months on the cruise
line.
I'm a conga line instructor.
Jeremy.
I'm going to conga.
You guys give me so much confidence with my hips.
I'm like, anyone can touch them.
Finally.
Jeremy.
Hold my hips is what I'm going to say.
Hold my hips.
We are not a drop in drop out service.
We are for the students, but not for the models.
They're going to make you wear clothes, you know.
This is the last session.
I thought it was of the beginner's class.
There's always new beginner's class.
Phil's going to be back there next semester.
Phil, you're never going to get through to intermediate.
Take my place.
You will eventually.
You just need to do it a few more times.
Become the drawer.
Become the thing that they look at.
The model?
Yeah.
Become the bowl of fruit, Phil.
Become me.
Phil, you're too complicated for beginners.
Yeah.
You guys don't even know all the scars I have.
That sounds interesting.
What did he do?
Why does he have them?
Maybe this is how I make it to intermediate.
Yeah.
Tell them about your scars.
I have an intermediate level body, I would say.
Is that why I've never got an intermediate?
Your hips are two lines.
It is the easiest hip to draw.
My hips are great because they don't exist.
I joined a conga line instructor.
I'm a cruise line instructor for a conga.
Because you guys made me believe in my hips, now you're saying that they're not there?
Listen, Jeremy.
Who's gonna conga if they can't conga with me?
Jeremy, Phil.
Good Lord.
Who's gonna lead the conga?
I'm just trying to do what's best for both of yous, and I want you both to see that he
is your muse.
I need a job.
And you can make money being a muse once Phil is successful.
You think I'll be successful?
If you keep drawing Jeremy.
Oh, like do Jeremy number 72.
It's like me in a different shade.
Or me with a hat.
I'll be honest, my girlfriend's a little bit uncomfortable with how many drawings of you
I have.
My girlfriend's uncomfortable with how many drawings of you I have.
Like all the great artists, Phil.
They all had questionable, dubious relationships with their muses, but some of them weren't
founded speculation.
Much like Phil and Jeremy.
I mean, I like to think we're friendly acquaintances.
You said you hate me.
I was making a great sacrifice trying to protect you, but the outcome's the same no matter
what you do.
I was angry in a moment.
It's like if you were to drop something on my foot, I would hit you in a moment, but
you know, it dissipates.
Okay.
Sorry.
If I take off my hat and he draws it well, can he move on to intermediate?
No, because you're my beginner model and you need to be paired with him.
But he'll be in the cruise.
He's not going on that fucking cruise, Phil.
Not anymore.
Don't worry.
I have no hips.
I have no points.
Darling, when I let you plan the honeymoon, you promised a luxury cruise to the world's
finest destinations.
I was expecting New York, Miami, Caribbean, perhaps even the Norwegian fjords.
Well, silly, the thing about boats is you have to go there first.
We've been on this boat for three weeks and this is the first place we've docked.
Yeah, and it's it is still done brakking, but you know, sweetie, it's okay.
You know, we're gonna just we're gonna disembark here.
We're gonna have a little look around town and then we'll get back on the on the on the
cruise ship and we'll go somewhere nicer like the Norwegian fjords.
You're saying that to appease me.
We're just gonna go around for three weeks.
No, we're very thirsty.
Can anybody please get us some wine?
Are you from the boat?
Yes.
The boat's returned.
Finally.
It's been years.
We've been stuck on this little alcove for for years.
I thought I would never see another person again.
Oh, good.
Do you have any wine?
No, please tell us that the boat's leaving again soon.
Yes, I think we're disembarking for about two days.
Two days.
Two days in this place.
Yeah, I don't know if I can last another two days.
I don't think I can.
Gemma?
I've just been I haven't changed my pants in weeks.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, we packed loads to last the years, but we finally got down to the last
ones.
Um, honey.
The cruise ship has gone.
What?
The cruise ship has gone.
I remember when it left us.
What kind of fly by night company did you book our honeymoon with?
Dunbracken Cruises.
The best cruise business in Dunbracken.
That's what they'd like you to think.
I remember when they sold us our cruise.
Yeah.
Well, being on the boat was lovely, you know, and we haven't even explored you being so
negative.
We've got a whole place lovely friends to make, you know.
Are you wearing clean pants?
Did you bring your suitcases?
Yeah.
Can I just have your pants?
You want my clean pants?
In weeks I haven't changed them.
I've been wearing these all day.
They're not that clean, I suppose.
They really aren't.
Well, honey, there's no need for that.
Well.
Say what you will about the loneliness, but at least it was consistent.
This is just bringing on a whole new level of drama for me.
What happened to everybody else from your boat?
Back on the boat.
We missed it.
We were looking at ducks.
Oh, there's ducks.
Oh, I thought it was going to be a lot more morbid, but no, they just flew away.
That's nice.
Oh, you think just because we've been stuck in this alcove that we add the ducks for sustenance
or something?
What have you been eating?
I've I've I've found rock.
I just chew on it.
It stimulates my saliva glands and then I drink the saliva and it's done me well so far.
There's minerals in rocks.
I mean, it's not ideal, but we get by.
Can I can I ask why you haven't just had a wander around the rest of the time?
You can't see where we are.
The river is on either side of us.
We can't walk on water.
We can't fly like a duck.
You have river on one side, river on the other side and land as far as the eye can see that
way.
I mean, I can see the Tesco just across the way there.
The boat left.
It left.
The boat left.
And it's just left again.
Are you not freaking out?
There's a pub.
And a hotel.
That's the pub we met in.
A chip shop.
Do you not see?
Since when has there been a chip shop next to the pub?
Oh, we forgot so long.
I think it's quaint.
I'm worried for these people.
I think they just want to be like this.
Honey, just get me another rock I can handle.
I need something.
So an apartment is out of your price range, but have you considered alternatives such
as a houseboat or a nice tent?
They seem quite different even themselves.
I mean, the houseboat seems like a little bit.
That's exactly right.
You still have so many options available to you.
I feel like you had like tunnel vision with the apartment, the penthouse apartment where
you could live your luxurious life.
You hadn't considered the alternatives.
Obviously, the penthouse was going to have all the luxury and the mod cons.
I mean, what's the mod cons I can expect on a houseboat and a tent?
Well, number one with both of these is that you don't need to stay in a town.
You're not welcome.
Not that you're not welcome, but should you ever be unwelcome, you could move as soon
as you want or as soon as other people want.
Does this happen a lot here in Dunbracken?
Is that something that they will like drive you out of town if they don't like you?
No one's been driven out of town.
I'm just saying some people don't follow our community spirit and they feel the need
to leave and buying real estate really ties them down.
Oh, yeah.
It's amazing the things they don't put obviously on the tourism poster.
It's on all the tourism posters.
It is?
And we make it very apparent.
I can't, this is all hypothetical.
You of course, you're kind of mine and I'm happy to provide you with services.
I haven't done anything that's going to get me driven out of town.
This is a purely professional relationship.
I don't know whether or not you play heavy metal music late into the night.
I would have no knowledge of that.
I do not know whether or not you separate your recycling and your compost and your glass.
Oh no, I have to reserve that, yes.
Do you?
Well, that's good.
And I certainly haven't heard anything to the contrary.
Well, that's good.
That sounds very promising, but you still recommend...
This houseboat is unsinkable.
I would like to emphasize that, as is this tent.
Unsinkable tent?
Yes, you could pitch this tent in any bog or swamp.
Okay, that's quite reassuring.
I mean, is there much of a difference...
How do you consider it bogs or swamps?
Bogs or swamps, as I say, I was going for a penthouse apartment and now I'm being offered
a bog and a swamp.
It's a bit of a...
You need to keep your mind open.
Yes, yes, I see.
I suppose it has a nice view.
You've still got the nice view.
That's exactly.
And if you don't like the view, you can shift it.
And if other people don't like the view, it can be shifted.
Yeah, that's very true.
But yeah, so...
I can get this done as quickly as you want.
So okay, so are both available now for the next week, even if I'm here for the next week?
Even sooner.
You know what?
Let me give you my real phone number.
So what number did you give me before?
Sorry, was that...
That was my real business number.
That's your real business number you're giving it, but now you're going to give me your real...
Your real personal number.
Oh, that's nice.
You don't call it for anything other than business, even though it is a personal number.
This is very confusing.
I mean, the business number...
I'm more available on my personal number.
I do not live at the office.
I'm like, you...
You...
Swamp...
Born...
Sorry, I...
That was out of character.
I got worked up because I tried to be welcoming and I feel like you didn't reciprocate.
Okay, so I feel like there's a bit of hostility here now because I was hoping to book the penthouse
apartment.
I can thank you.
25 years of a five-year mortgage under tent.
And then I said, that's not a yacht.
Oh, yes.
My joke not tickled you.
I'd give it that it was at my expense, not quite.
I know that it's not a yacht, but it's all that I can afford right now.
You know, these meetings have been very different ever since you joined, Franklin.
I can't make fun of the yachtless ones on the river anymore.
Or the ones that the yachts are lesser than our yachts.
Come on now, Gabriel.
We decided to diversify for a reason.
True, true.
What are you bringing to the table, Franklin, besides your pitiful yacht, your boat, your
schooner?
I believe it's a coracle.
A coracle.
Which we welcome now, Gabriel.
I am bringing...
Could I bring some traybigs to the next meeting?
Well, maybe do slightly better than that, my dear.
Could you stretch to a blini?
I could do a tear and share.
I could make a little tear and share.
A tear and share.
There's so much laziness present in all of these dishes you're suggesting.
Put everything into the one tray and bake it.
Why can you not individually shape and craft these desserts, these treats, as one small...
Would you like a sear freak?
I can do risotto.
Would you like a risotto?
Risotto is in one pot.
I would like something with several different things so that any common vagrant's hand wouldn't
touch the food that I'm about to touch.
Rightly so.
Yes, agreed.
We can't be tearing and sharing.
No, no, no, no, no.
Imagine if someone with a canoe used the same ladle as us to get the risotto.
Imagine.
I'm quite weary after hearing that.
So would you like a doggy bag each?
Is that what you would like?
That seems to be what the prerequisite is.
What type of dog?
Is it a wonderful, complex dog like a dashing?
Or is it a...
An idiot to our...
I only keep hounds myself.
For the races?
Yes, and the hunts.
Are you requiring the meat of canines in the doggy bags?
Is that also what I am inferring?
No, the spoils from the canine's hunt.
Like a good pheasant or a quail?
A grouse perhaps?
I wonder, is bringing Franklin into the fold making us worse than we once were?
Maybe we've gone too far too soon.
Yes, have we went in the wrong direction?
No.
I think allowing this common vagrant in is making us more prejudiced.
I simply disagree.
I think it's important to display our own superiority and to laud it.
Yes, then we will understand and see our superiority.
I have not been privy to these conversations ahead of now, however my therapist has said
that we should be doing double sessions now.
Ever since I've started here, she's noticed a severe uptick in how much I cry.
I would like to invite you all to a smorgasbord on my dinghy next week.
A smorgasbord on a coracle?
I'm not sure we'd all fit, dear Franklin.
Good one, Gargamond.
That's so funny, Gargamond.
I wish you'd laugh at my jokes as much, but sure.
Maybe if you work on their craft.
Although maybe Franklin has a point, we could maybe start using slightly more inclusive
language.
I think maybe vagrant is passé.
Okay, should I remove common as well?
No, that's fine.
Okay, how about you Franklin, or a common-er?
What about scum?
Ooh, a common scum.
A pleb, perhaps?
Ooh, a pleb that you would find at the bottom of a chalet.
No, a chalet is too good for you.
The basement of a chalet, perhaps.
The basement of a chalet.
A chalet is still too far too nice.
I would simply ask that I could be referred to as a sailor like the rest of you.
We're yachts people.
A sailor?
Would we sail?
Okay, yes, you are a sailor indeed.
We don't use the sails, Franklin.
It's engines only.
Engines, engines.
Imagine a sail.
All the larks we have with you, common-er.
Markle?
Yes.
What's your name?
Gabriel.
Yes, Gabriel.
You forgot?
I did for a but a moment.
The yachting has gone to your head, I see.
Yes, I'm very narcissistic.
What do we do with the common scum now that we've, I suppose, put ourselves in this position?
Yes, should we put it to a vote?
We have, as I see it, three options.
We could sink the cockerel.
Yes.
The coracle.
Yes.
We could allow the commoner to stay and participate in all of our wonderfulness in this yacht
club.
And then, number three, we could simply close this door.
Or, Franklin, option number four.
Yes, Gargamond, go ahead.
We have been in need of a new mascot.
Franklin, what are your dance skills?
I can do a merry jig.
I can do a somber waltz.
I don't want to see a mascot do a somber waltz.
I'll be sad and depressed.
This would only be appropriate at a funeral on the seas, I think.
Yes, we haven't had one of those for a few months, but the merry jig we could work with.
And how sweaty are you?
Great question.
I don't want to see someone sweaty on the boat.
No, a sweaty mascot.
A sweaty dancing jig?
Goodness.
Should we be slipping and sliding on the...
It's already enough water.
He would have the costume, of course.
Yes, of course.
Yes.
How sweaty would you need me to be?
We don't want you collapsing inside the costume.
And the costume being a large prawn.
Huge.
Oh, are you allergic to prawns?
Because it is made.
Real prawn, of course.
Of course.
Only the finest dead sea creatures.
No, prawns would work.
It's a shrimple suit.
Excellent, Gabriel.
Gabriel, your back.
Stepping on your toes.
And then there is also the large martini glass.
Are you nimble enough to climb up into it?
Are we putting some lettuce and prawn Marie Rose sauce?
Of course, Gabriel.
Is it that kind of martini glass?
Exactly.
A little cocktail.
Of course, without saying, Gabriel.
Again, if I'm understanding correctly, are you going to consume me?
Heavens no!
You're a common scum!
You're slightly too unwashed for us, darling.
But you are making the large components of a giant prawn cocktail.
From which you will entertain us, my dear Franklin.
Correct.
I'm up for that.
Franklin, get in the costume.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conneth MacDais.
For more information on the podcast, you can follow us at DunbrackenPod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Cairnsands, Rachel Coulter, Drew Henry,
Mark Henry, Cap McKnight, Stephen McGlennan and James Geddes.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon and you can check out his
entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening.
We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.