Hi, so you're here for the speed dating, yeah?
Yeah, we've been nervous first time doing it.
Oh, no, of course, that's so natural.
Don't worry.
We've got a lot of lovely people here.
I hope I'm to be one of them.
You're a lovely person as well, don't worry.
So there's going to be, you know, usually there's like a little 60 second timer, but
sometimes you might have a nice little interesting conversation.
It might go on a bit longer and that's okay, you know, you the most important thing is
you enjoy yourself.
Okay, that's great.
Great.
So what is it?
Christian?
Yeah, great.
So Christian, you head on in the room there and you just get stuck in and have a really
nice time.
Have a really lovely time.
Of course.
Yes.
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
Hi there.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Yes.
I'm Christine.
Christine.
Lovely name.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I didn't catch your story.
It's Jim.
James.
Lovely.
Jim.
Yes.
You know what?
I have a brother named Jim.
I'm not him.
No, I know.
I know.
He's much taller.
How tall is he?
Oh, six, seven.
I'm asking him to, but he just won't do it.
Can I get you a drink, Christine?
No, I'm good with the drink I have.
That's an ashtray.
You're not even allowed to smoke indoors anymore.
No, no.
It's just a very flat glass.
Don't worry.
But there's just ashes in it.
Some people are mistaken for an ashtray.
I'm not going to drink from it.
I'm just, I'm a little bit uncomfortable, so I'm just sort of holding it for, you know,
it's like a comfort blanket.
So how many siblings do you have?
I've got one brother called Jim.
You both called Jim?
Yeah, we're twins.
Oh, you're twins.
Yeah.
So you're twins.
Yeah.
So you're twins.
Yeah.
So how many siblings do you have?
I've got one brother called Jim.
You both called Jim?
Yeah, we're twins.
Okay.
But, um, so you should share the same name.
That's an interesting thing about you.
I don't think so.
Is it not?
I thought it was interesting.
Do you have any?
Well, yes.
Yeah.
So, you know, I've got one brother and three sisters.
Do I know that?
Well, you knew about the brother.
Okay.
So what?
So I want to contact you with your brother's name.
Hi, Krosty.
Yes.
Hi, Krosty!
I didn't catch your name.
Sorry.
It's Flubber
Flubber, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, my friends call me Flubber, but I think we're at that level, you know?
So do like we're here to be friends and maybe more.
Yeah, here's hoping, you know, I'm a little nervous about it Saudi.
I'm really nervous.
So have you done anything like this before?
No, first, first time.
first time. I was going to come here with a friend but I was checking out and I thought
you can do this Christine.
You can. You can, Faeula. You can do whatever you want, you know? And I really, I don't
want to be forward but...
Oh no, go ahead.
Do I know you from somewhere?
I don't think so.
I feel, you know, actually...
You know what? I checked TV licenses so maybe we've met that way.
I'm not sure.
Have you had an unpaid TV license?
Well, um, I don't really want to talk about that. You know, I don't want to bore you with
work.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me neither, me neither.
But it is illegal, you know.
Okay, Crosty, can I level with you?
Yes, of course, sis.
Say my friend weren't to pay their license. Um, what would happen?
Would you confiscate their TV?
Okay. Alright, alright.
Okay, everyone, we switch to our next partners.
Hello Christmas, is it?
Yes, you know you can call me Christmas.
I love Christmas.
Yes, and you must be Martain.
Oh no, Marti.
Marti.
Oh Marti.
It's lovely to meet you.
Yes, yes, lovely to meet you too.
So being named after the great holiday Christmas, would you say that you enjoy Christmas?
I don't celebrate it.
Oh, no, me neither.
Oh, that's a nice thing we have in common, you know.
I like to celebrate Boxing Day.
Of course, there's so many great bargains.
Yes, I'm more meant like physical boxing with like punch bags and gloves.
Oh, I can see you're very fit if you don't mind me saying this.
Stop, you make me blush.
I do work hard on this physique.
Yeah, I mean, it shows.
Thank you, thank you.
If you ever wanted to be my punch bag, I would.
I would love that.
In what way do you mean that?
Like, you know, when you go to a gym and you see a big black bag that people are punching.
Okay, so you meant it in the way I thought you did.
I would love to punch you.
I'm just going to ring this bell if you don't mind.
Oh, that's fine.
That's fine.
You know, like the end of a boxing round.
Ding, ding, ding.
Oh, yay.
Hi, Chris Bean, is it?
Yes, it's Chris Bean.
Nice to meet you.
My name's Don.
That's lovely.
You know what?
I'm just going to write down your name on this card because I haven't been doing this
for any of the other people.
Yeah, Don.
Yes, Don brackets big shirt.
Don.
Don, yes.
Don brackets big shirt.
Yeah.
So how are you doing?
Yeah, yeah, not too bad.
A little bit nervous if you don't mind me saying.
I know, I know.
It seems like a lot of first timers here today.
Yeah, I'm a little bit fidgety.
Don't mind me.
Yeah, I can see your hands are moving very rapidly.
Oh, yeah.
I'm actually a hand masseuse.
Do you mind if I give yours a little look?
Um, okay.
I guess right or left or both?
Yeah, both please.
I usually tend to do this.
I feel like I can find out quite a lot about the partner.
Okay, yes.
Oh, oh, this is very hard.
This is very interesting.
Very interesting.
Um, it feels like if you apply any more pressure, my index finger is going to pop out of the
socket.
Oh, it's meant to feel like that.
Okay, but it won't.
That's a sign of a vicious lover.
And do you see this yellow stain here that you have on your index finger from smoking?
I don't smoke.
Oh, I just carry an ashtray.
Oh, oh, okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
So this this suit mark, it really means that you're really always there for your friends,
which is something that I always look for for someone.
I think so too.
I mean, I don't have a lot of them, but I'm there for the ones I do have.
Yeah.
And this scar on your right hand.
Have you been in an accident?
Um, because I love a bad boy.
Well, my cat bit me.
Oh, hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Janelle.
Oh, you're Janelle?
Yeah.
Oh, lovely.
Lovely.
I'm Christine.
Um, one thing is important for you to know about me if anything's ever to happen.
Yeah, of course.
My hobbies are important to me.
No, no, of course.
I barely had a chance.
I'm bell ringing six nights a week.
Bell ringing?
Yeah.
Don't look at me like that.
I'm not familiar with the occupation, if you don't mind me saying.
No, not occupation.
It's my hobby.
Okay, sorry.
Your hobby.
So it's most evenings I'm at the church ringing the bell.
Oh, okay.
Yes.
Like, I don't want to say Clasimodo, but.
Yeah, maybe don't.
So my only evenings where I'm not doing that is Saturday evening.
And then that's when I go to church.
So I'm busy then as well.
So it's going to be hard to schedule dates.
No, that's all right.
I'm a busy woman.
I get that.
I'm, I'm, I'm, we would flex with my work schedule.
So you'll prove yourself to me.
Yeah.
Do you have any hobbies?
Yes.
I like to catalog collectible trains.
I run a wee website where what's, what's with that face?
Sorry.
That's your hobby.
Yeah, no, I find it's, it's so very.
Train.
Well, catalog cataloging the trains.
I don't collect them.
Cataloging them.
You're not even purchasing them.
It would be very expensive.
I'm doing something physical and productive with my hobby.
Not to judge a hobby is very fulfilling for the own person.
No, of course.
I mean, it does feel like you are judging.
Do you think that was a satisfactory bell ring or would you have done it better?
I would have done better.
Hello.
Hi.
Crass.
Is it?
You got it.
One.
I'm Sue two.
Oh, Sue two.
Oh, okay.
So, oh, yes.
Yeah.
That's what I've written down here.
That's what are you looking for here?
So Sue, Sue G. Cause I suspect it's just the only name tag.
I think there's a Sue H as well.
Don't speak to me about Sue H.
You know each other.
I didn't think that was up to me.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that was a sore point.
How about we start over again?
What are you looking for?
Well, I suppose I'm looking for more long-term relationship.
What I am looking for is a co-parent for my birds.
Now my cat doesn't play well with birds.
A cat.
Okay.
We're off to a bad start here.
I'm just going to be honest with you.
I mean, I feel like we should have a coffee or something first before we talk about, you
know, how our various pets will interact with each other.
I want to be clear about my intentions.
Yes.
My birds are my priority.
I understand that.
My cat's very important to me too.
It's just the birds have been breeding frequently.
I now have 38.
And to be honest with you, Crestoyne, it's getting a bit too much for me to handle.
So here I am.
Are you just here to look for a co-parent for your birds and nothing else?
Look, if there's romance on the cards, I'm up for it.
It's not a deal breaker.
My birds are my priority.
Okay.
I don't feel the same way.
Yeah.
I'm getting enthusiasm from you here, Crestoyne.
Hey.
How about Corsair?
How do I make the best hands at these things?
I'm just going to take the lead, Corsair.
I have four Cobras and my fortune teller told me I'd find someone this week.
Is that you?
Um, well, I'm not a big fan of Cobras myself.
Don't worry.
I'll get rid of them.
Don't do that on my behalf.
No, no, no.
For you, it's a...
No, no, no.
Now, I will say, I'm not a believer in fortune tellers.
That's fine.
I've seen God too.
You're shouting at a lot of people in your life for someone you've just met.
I...
Yeah.
I've seen this in all six of my actions.
I want to pay it her, her money.
Me and you, this is tight.
I mean, you're very handsome, but...
Really?
Crossfit, right?
I can't understand your accent.
What are you saying?
What do you mean?
Do you have an interpreter?
What the fuck?
I'm sorry.
I thought it was like an English language event.
I'm from England, Liverpool.
Are you here with someone?
I've never been so insulted in my whole life, but yeah, me interpreter's here.
Come on ahead.
Okay.
Oh, so you're the interpreter?
Is that you speaking or...?
We're here together, yeah.
Okay.
So you're here together.
What are you looking for in your life?
I suppose for our long-term relationships or maybe ramping up a wee bit slowly.
There's some people very intense about it very quickly.
Yeah.
There's a lot going on here.
I'm looking for something really sweet and lovely too.
Something real gentle and quiet.
This might be inappropriate to ask, but the interpreter, are you also at this event or
is it...?
It's like a double date kind of surrogate kind of thing.
I just, he's going to look after the baby, you know.
Oh, you have a child?
No, we will.
Me and you.
You're just like the guy of the birds.
It's just too much too quickly.
Fucking hell.
Hi.
Hello.
We're looking to add a third.
Does that interest you?
I hadn't considered that before.
You know what?
On first impressions, which of us do you like better?
Well, obviously you.
Oh, don't be jealous.
What do you mean?
Well, you know, you haven't blinked yet.
Neither have I, but in a more warm way.
Yes.
Yeah.
I know your eyes feel like they should just naturally be open.
You look very bloodshot.
Do you think I should be looking at you?
Would you rather I look away from you?
I feel like I welcome your gaze, but you on the other hand, I feel like you're looking
through me.
It's...
They have that effect on people.
Can you blink?
I promise that you'll warm to the both of us eventually.
I just, I thought I was stepping into like an existing conversation.
This has thrown me a wee bit.
Would you rather it's just me and you?
I would not rather that.
No, neither would I.
You don't want to have to break the sanctity of this, but you know, you deal with the cards,
you're dealt.
And you have bloodshot eyes, Anthony.
Just on this form, are you two separate entries or are you on the same?
No, we're looking for a third.
I know, I'm just sort of, if hypothetically I was filling out the form.
We're sharing the name badge.
Okay.
You can't see that.
Do you have a...
It's a long name badge.
You two are very...
Do you have a short name?
Because we only have one badge.
Yeah, it's Christy Yarn.
I mean, we could fit that in and then we could join the next table and look for a fourth.
Oh, did you guys meet at this event?
Yes.
We've gotten on really well so far.
Okay, so some sort of amalgam that's happening.
I've already proposed and I have another ring in my pocket.
She thinks it will be you.
I have absorbed her into me.
He was just driving down the road and a tree dropped on the car and I just miss him so
much.
It was my fault.
I said he didn't need to go out.
Yeah, he forgot my birthday, but he didn't need to go out for a car then and then.
There was a storm that happened.
It's just so sad, you know?
So I like the catalogue trains.
So they have like a website.
He was stopped at a train whenever the tree dropped on him.
Oh, what kind of train?
I've got a good book for you if you're interested.
Oh, okay.
I'm a bit of a reader myself.
Well, have you heard of the Book of Mormon?
I saw the play.
Is there anything like that?
No.
Okay.
No.
Okay.
No.
What did you think of the play?
It was a bit crass for my liking.
But the music was very catchy.
It was crass, wasn't it?
It was very, very crass.
I did enjoy the humour.
It felt a wee bit like South Park to me and I don't enjoy that show.
I've never seen it.
I saw an episode once and I turned it off halfway through.
Can I see an episode?
Right now?
Do you have one on you?
No, and given my occupation, I don't think I should pirate it either.
What's your occupation?
I'm a TV license inspector.
You're kind of like me.
Really?
What do you do?
I go door to door with the book.
You know what?
Maybe we could team up one day and go door to door together.
I prefer to be alone sometimes.
I mean, we all prefer to be alone sometimes, but it's nice to share.
I've got my own thing going on.
Okay.
But what were you looking for tonight?
Can I move on?
I guess we could sit here in silence until the bell rings.
Can I move on?
You've got lovely hair.
Can you stop?
I'm sorry.
I only want to talk to you if you've got an episode of South Park to show me.
I mean, I could purchase one, I guess.
I feel like we don't have enough time.
What?
I know the bell hasn't rung yet.
Purchase it and send it on to me.
I don't think we can share it that way.
I have to give you my login account and I don't think we're there yet.
Okay, you can do that.
I'll give you a book for it.
I feel like if we're not ready to walk door to door, we're not ready to share an Apple
TV account.
What's wrong with you?
Oh, crustacean.
You're implorable.
I'm quite thirsty.
Will we get another ashtray?
Will we get one to share?
Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't want an actual ashtray.
I just felt awkward putting it down, but maybe a glass of wine or something.
Yeah.
I mean, if you're into that, that's okay.
I'll get the ashtray myself and you'll have the house ride then.
Yes.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
I mean, you can finish off this ashtray if you want.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
I feel, you know, I just got to be honest.
I've seen you are in the drink conversation.
I feel like you've been focusing on very little else.
Yeah.
Please don't take that.
I'll finish that.
Thank you so much.
No, of course.
Of course.
Yeah.
So I got to be honest with you.
I just think you've got the charisma.
You're funny and I think you'd be a great replacement as our leader in the stars in
the sky cult.
What do you think?
I'm not great in crowds.
Oh, I feel like I shine really one to one.
Okay.
Well, we could do a projector situation.
You know, we had a hologram before.
Okay.
So yeah, I do the budgets, you know, so I think we could maybe shake it.
Do you want to take my card?
I'm always open to new things.
I like to think of myself as an open minded person.
Yeah.
I get the feeling and I feel like we've like had a past life experience.
I feel like you're at that level 17 already.
So I think you're ready.
I will be honest before we meet up again.
I will probably Google what this whole religion is about.
Would I come across anything unsavory or?
Well, you know, some people like the internet, what are you going to do?
But you can trust me.
Christiana for sure.
Like I can tell you anything.
It's Christiana, Christa Riedemer.
No, I'm sorry.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Okay.
Hi.
It's been a long evening.
We've introduced ourselves to a lot of people.
Yeah.
Like did they listen to your preferences form at all?
Because like I've been dealing with like everyone tonight has had detached earlobes and I specifically
says I want to detached on the preference form.
Um, that wasn't, you know what?
I'm pretty flexible.
So I don't think I felt that much of the preference form, but um,
I wish I was as loose as you are.
I like you want one thing and like they tell you that you're going to get it and you just
show up and there's just no one here for you.
Like I'm sorry.
But the fact that you're wearing glasses just keeps drawing my eye line to it as well.
It's they're so loose.
Is this a deal breaker or is this just a preference?
Where like, where would you like to live?
Because if it's windy, like they're going to be moving and I just can't, I can't be.
I mean, I could wear like a big hatch for, you know, that covers the ears.
They flop out.
Most hats don't reach it.
It's the lobe.
No, I understand.
But you know, colder countries, they have things that cover the ears precisely because
the lobes freeze.
I don't know.
Um, surgery?
Hi Louise couldn't make it tonight.
So I'm just here in her place.
So I'm married.
I'm not available.
I'm just a seat fuller.
Oh, okay.
So are you advertising Louise?
Yeah, she's great.
Is she?
Okay.
That's, that's, that's good.
You think she'd like me?
Well, I don't know.
I can't have Louise's gut reaction for you.
Okay.
I just sell me yourself on behalf of Louise.
Okay.
Well, I've got, I've got a lovely cat.
Uh, I've got, I've got, she's allergic.
Is she?
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, that's anything else.
That feels like a deal breaker.
Okay.
How about you?
Is the marriage going well?
Yeah.
Okay.
Four years.
How did you guys meet?
Not one of these.
Okay.
How did you?
We went to university together.
Yeah.
I didn't meet anyone at uni.
Yeah.
It can be tough.
It can be.
It's just, I feel like the course loads so much these days.
You don't have time.
Oh no, you don't do the work.
You just have the social life.
That's how you meet the love of your life.
I wish, I wish I'd known that earlier.
I wish I could go back now.
That's.
You could probably re-enroll.
You'll just be starting by a lot of 19 year olds.
I don't want that.
Maybe that's your thing.
I don't know.
It's not Louise's thing.
I'll just cut to the chase.
Do you have Family Guy on your phone?
I have introduced myself 23 times today.
My ego is shattered.
I don't know who I am.
I've talked about my siblings and my job over and over again.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I just know what everyone else wants and I know I'm not that.
Yeah, you're not.
I would like to watch Family Guy and I hear you have it on your phone.
I don't know who keeps sharing that.
I don't have Family Guy.
Do you have?
I just, I just want a family.
Aww.
Son?
What the bloody hell are you doing here?
Oh my goodness.
They made me, they checked my ID when I came in.
How did you get in this?
It's 25 to 35.
Hey, you know your old daddy can slip right through any security, you know me.
How's Mum?
Oh, don't bloody know.
I haven't seen her in about two weeks.
She's worried about you.
Ah, no.
Why would she be worried?
I'm coming to all these single mixer events.
It's just a bit of silly fun, isn't it?
You know, meeting loves of your lives and have you met anyone today, son?
I met one person, but I don't think they reciprocated this.
Oh, well, I'd be a bad father if I didn't ask her.
Alex is it?
Um, well, it's me, Michelangelo.
It's Christ Alex.
That's close enough.
Well, I would like you to pronounce it.
It's close enough.
I feel like I come here with a name.
Every, excuse me, I'm talking.
I come here every week that this speed dating is on and most weeks it's not.
You are here every week?
It's different age categories, different weeks.
Michelangelo plays what's in front of him.
OK.
So I am a veteran at this and I can spot fresh, excuse me, fresh meat across the table when
I see it.
You're not excused.
Michelangelo is talking.
Here, take my hand.
No.
Take my hand.
It's so cold.
OK, take off the glove.
Mine?
Both of them.
OK, OK.
This isn't any better.
Don't you think there's a connection in how clammy our hands are?
I feel like mine was warm before I touched yours.
You're wearing a rubber glove underneath your woolen glove.
You make me uncomfortable.
Will you come home with me?
No.
Ding ding ding ding.
I didn't want you to find out this way, but me and your grandmother have separated.
And you, this feels very avoidable.
I didn't want to be here with you right now.
I don't want you to be here with me right now.
She'd come closer and closer and I kept trying to switch and get to someone else.
But no one would take me both in the speed dating world and also like switch places.
Was I the only one who they checked ID for?
I filled out all the forms.
I'm just saying that your grandmother just doesn't enjoy what I give anymore.
I respect that.
She's here somewhere too.
I hope she's rotating like me because I don't want to talk to her.
This has been very uncomfortable.
What?
Do you have any tips?
I'll give you one.
Never reveal your bank account.
I've lost three cards already.
Okay.
I won't do that.
Two of those were to your father.
He needs money.
Why were you two talking?
You're both meant to be sitting.
We're rotating.
I keep trying to avoid the rotations, but I keep hitting my Lenny age.
I did post in a family group chat that I would be here tonight.
I feel like you guys are sabotaging the night.
I just want what's best for you after all your terrible dealings.
I want best for me too.
Your grandmother just doesn't.
She says I sway weird, but I say I've got osteoporosis.
Hi, will you marry me?
At this point of the evening, I'm very tempted to say yes.
Oh my God.
Finally.
I've gone through 35 people and that's been my opener every single day.
I haven't said yes yet.
I'll take the ring back off your finger.
You really jammed that on there right over the glove.
Yeah.
Hey.
Maybe we should start with names first.
You basically said yes.
I said I'm very open to it.
Great.
That's more than most people this evening.
I feel like us at night goes on people's views and blood alcohol level changes.
Stone cold sober.
I'm stone cold sober.
I'm just desperate.
Yeah.
I was wanting to ask you earlier, but someone took that off me.
I think we're all desperate.
I mean, we're at a fucking...
I wouldn't say desperate.
I didn't feel desperate before.
I've got a lot of pressure from my parents.
So if I don't come out of this with an engagement, I'm fucked.
Okay.
It's like reverse Hallmark movie.
Okay.
How about this?
We chat normally and if we both match on the cards at the end of the evening, we get engaged.
No, that's far too loose.
You sound like you're backing out already.
Okay.
Let's say I agree to this.
Grant.
What are you going to do?
We just got engaged, everyone.
No, no, no.
So I've got a cat.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Connoth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter, you can follow
us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Gerd Donley, Cairnsands, Rachel Coulter,
Kate Thompson, Joe Donaldson, Adam Crossan and Conor McNally.
The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon and you can check out his
entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening.
We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.