I can't... I don't know how to tie the tie. It just... it just... it's just two straps
of me.
Johnny, it's... you need to grow up. It's... it's your grandest funeral. You need to
tie your own tie.
He always tied my ties, so I don't know why I have to suddenly start tying my ties.
Life goes on, Johnny.
I'm a 32 year old man.
What? You said it?
If I don't want to tie my ties, I shouldn't have to.
Well then...
He'd respect that.
If you don't want to tie your own tie as a 32 year old man, you can go out and pay your
own rent as a 32.
Under this house, men tie their own ties.
Where's that son of mine? Is he... is he ready?
He's down here not tying his fucking tie.
I can't tie the tie.
Aw, son. Do you want me to tie it for you?
No.
Don't... don't...
I'll tie it for you. Don't you worry about...
I've never learned.
See?
I've just realised I've never looked...
Granda tied her ties as well.
It's so upsetting. He would always tie them for me.
We're gonna miss the funeral here.
And I'm not gonna tie your ties for you.
You need to do it yourselves.
It's about time I put my foot down in this family.
You wear a clip on.
That's not fair.
I had the foresight to go and get a fucking clip on, son.
You should clip on.
You have more clip?
Let me use one of your clip on's.
No, they're backups.
What, in case you spill a little soup on yourself?
How dare you bring that up?
How dare you?
No, you deserve it.
Fuck you.
I want you to remember what happened at your own mother's wedding.
You made it full of yourself.
Well, she made it full of the whole family by marrying him.
What?
It was her third wedding.
Give her a break.
Her husband just died.
Yeah, my first stepdad.
That's who that was.
Let's not go through what happened two years ago, okay?
All right.
We're talking about today.
So now you just have replacement ties ready to go, but you don't...
Maybe you should get a replacement son if you don't want...
A fucking wound if a coo.
Let me tell you, now get your fucking tie on others and I'll break your legs.
All right, final.
Time for a cut.
And you, Gwen, wash your face.
They're surfing soup after, so you better watch yourself.
I fucking audience.
Ties, what are they?
What the hell is going on there, right?
Who decided they were a good idea?
A little ugly piece of fabric that you tie around your shirt?
For the benefit of whom exactly?
Your mother?
My mother?
She hates your tie.
We are a Goat War scarves family and we always have been.
Goat War scarves have been in our family for generations, keeping us and the rest of Dunbrack
and Warm for 73 years.
Tommy Tyson and his terrible ties do not do that.
I heard that he has been putting snow in the bottom of his ties to make you even colder.
Why bother with them when you can wrap your neck in a loose, comfortable and just the
right amount of scratchy Goat Wolf scarf?
Tommy Tyson's ties aren't loose at all.
In fact, he's installed a device in every tie that constricts it by an inch for every
minute you wear it.
He's literally trying to kill you folks.
We would never do that here at Goat Wolf Scarves, lovingly made with 100% hessian silk
by my own mother's hands.
The only thing that Tommy Tyson has ever made was a mistake in thinking that we wouldn't
notice what he did to our father.
A tie-based peace offering to end the feud at a span of millennia.
The same wet tie we found him dead in the next morning.
We're coming for you Tommy.
Goatwool Scarves, the second best thing to wrap around your neck.
The first being a pair of hands and you being Tommy Tyson.
Welcome.
Back to Dunbracken.
Hey, here's 10 pound.
I'd like a batten slip please.
I'd like a bat, please.
Patrick, what is it you're looking to bet on today?
Would you be able to tell me the odds of if there's a fire at the school today?
See now this is specifically why I asked you what you're going to bet on today.
Here's 10 pound for it.
No, you've been here every day this week.
I just want to bet if there's going to be a fire at the primary school today.
The fire was yesterday.
Yeah, I know.
So I think if I put it into date, it's the least likely day so the odds are high.
So if I win, I'm in the money.
And how many people do you think are going to be betting against you on this?
Maybe not a lot, but here's 10 pound and just write it in the little computer and we'll
find out the odds.
No, no Patrick, as your uncle, I have to tell you that this behavior is very concerning.
And everybody loses money gambler.
It's fine.
Sorry.
This is a betting shop where you might win.
You might win.
It's a betting shop.
People might win.
That's not everyone loses money.
Some people win a lot of money.
That's the whole point of betting is that you have the opportunity to win a lot of money.
And in fact, I'm sure that if you look through the accounts, you would find out that we're
actually doing very poorly because a lot of people win.
Here's five pound to see if any old man start fighting in the park.
How am I supposed to monitor this?
I assume once the bats place them, it's under the jurisdiction of the betting shop to watch
out for these things.
Now, yeah.
And what other costs do you think that are attached with this?
I assume just one person on a state court.
So that's what a day.
So 60 pound a day.
Maybe I don't know how much you pay them.
What's minimum wage?
Yeah, 590 and ours.
What's that?
Seven and a half hours.
How much is your bet?
I have found I want you to treat this seriously.
Certainly I always do.
You're putting on a five pound bet.
All right, fine.
Here's 20.
No, doesn't matter how much it is.
The costs of actually going and checking this.
First of all, how do you even have 10 pounds or five pounds to bet?
Well, I'm not going to ask.
I don't want to really know the answer to that.
I don't care what sort of illicit things you're doing outside of this betting shop.
Here's 30 pound or if the bakery is out of wheat again.
Now, we can't take that because the bakery is frequently out of wheat.
Exactly.
It's not going to be great odds.
But if I get 35 pound by it, we're in a winning streak.
No one's making bets against that.
That's the problem.
People in this town, people in this town are starving.
The bakery hasn't had any wheat.
We're going on what, two and a half months now?
It's what they all it's like.
One on 10, I'll make three pound by it.
Can I start a point on that?
Extremely good that the bakery is not going to have any more wheat.
There's no one betting that the bakery is going.
And the fact that it's a cartel and that most people in town, everyone has access to all
of the information about the prices of the wheat, the volume of the wheat, the wheat
shipments.
We're pretty sure that there's no wheat.
Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this because I work in the betting shop, giving you insider
information.
I can't put this bet on anywhere.
And the betting shop is also connected to the cartel.
The Donahue's.
Come again.
The Donahue's cartel.
Yeah, it's Donahue's bookies.
Oh yeah.
Wait a second.
Are you wearing a wire?
I'd like to play a Safari Pine bet.
Hold on a second.
For the police rating here.
It's June 27th.
Why are you wearing a duffel coat?
You've been compromised.
I would like to put a 40 pound bet on you being rated by a police.
Two questions.
Number one, where is your money coming from?
Number two, why are you wearing a duffel coat?
Number three, why are you talking about crimes to bet on?
It's very warm today.
Tango, we've got what we need.
Get out of there.
This duffel coat has ice on the insides, but unless it's been keeping me warm, it's
new technology, proprietary.
Get that tape out of there.
You don't fuck.
We'll start to close the doors, cancel all bets.
You have about 30 seconds to get out of here.
Oh, no.
Oh God.
Oh, the ice is melted.
Tango, no.
The ice was to stop the cassette getting dangerously hot.
You're now going to a region die.
You need to find a way out of there.
Why are you cocking your head to one side?
This is these damn ears.
They just aren't what they were.
I'm going to ask you one question, and I won't be repeating it.
Okay.
And I want a straight answer.
Are you wearing a wire and are?
Yes.
I'm also maybe wearing a two-way radio so that you can both hear the person as well
as they can hear you.
Yes.
Both the answers are true to that question.
Tango, what the fuck?
I'm not a cop.
I can't lie.
Wait a second.
Are you talking to me?
Are you talking to someone?
To the police officer on the other line that's been trying to get you caught for underhand
dealings.
Come over here, Patrick.
Lean towards the glass window.
Real close to you.
Real.
That's right.
Put up against the reading bench.
You want to just talk into the little mic on my lapel?
Yes, pull up the mic.
There you go.
That's right.
Hello.
Hello there.
Sonny, I completely forgot it was a two-way radio.
I completely forgot that I could just record everything that's coming through this rather
than simply waiting for the tip.
You know how much money we spent on them.
Can you ask the person if I'm allowed to use this police money to bet still?
We told him explicitly he was not allowed to use police money to bet.
I know that it's all right.
I'm not going to use it.
Tommy Tyson's terrible ties.
40% off for you and Jesus.
I wish to challenge my parking ticket.
I just feel like when I parked, the sign with the time restrictions wasn't built yet.
So I shouldn't be penalized for it.
Yes, no, it wasn't built. You're correct.
We've been going back over the CCTV for the past year and issuing fines.
Well, I just don't think that's right. I had no way of knowing.
The robot in fact wasn't in place at the time.
I was following the robots. You can't retroactively charge me for parking.
You're correct. It was not in law at the time, but...
Your Honor, are you hearing this? What are we disputing?
We're disputing the fact that you parked where you shouldn't have a year before.
You shouldn't have done it.
We're all in agreement that it was legal when I did it.
No, no. I think you'll find that the council isn't desperate and need of funds.
And therefore you have been fined, sir.
That doesn't seem right.
Well, would you like us to raise taxes?
Well, I'd get off my fine if you do.
I'd rather we all pay a little bit more than just me.
Look, sir, we were doing parking based on, you know, a goodwill kind of thing beforehand.
If you thought I shouldn't park here, then don't park there.
I didn't think that.
Well, it's per judgment on your part.
And if anything, you're driving under per judgment. That's as bad as, like, driving drunk.
We could find you for that, sir.
And we only find people who were parked for more than an R as well.
So what were you doing?
It's my driveway. I parked there all the time.
Convenient.
Where else am I meant to park? On the street?
Yes.
Why didn't you park on the street?
Because I have a driveway. It just makes sense.
Yeah, but what if someone else needs that driveway?
And now there's a sign in front of your driveway.
Yeah, I can park for more than an hour, which feels unfair.
Anyone can park there. They just have to accept the fine that comes their way.
It's just, it's not a public space we reclaimed, sir.
You heard it here first, folks. An outright confession fresh from the horse's ass.
Tommy Tyson is a Machiavellian-style villain who has no place in Dunbracken and no place in this world.
Perhaps if Tina Tyson, the coward, had actually gone through with the wedding with Gargamel,
my own brother, the son of gregarious goat wool, we wouldn't be in this mess
and there certainly wouldn't have been a necessity for a good old-fashioned B&G.
That's a breaking in it, goatening for all you Tyson idiots.
I have personally never seen Jerry the goat more pleased with himself than he was that day.
But I am the bigger man here and I will freely admit that eating Harrow was not part of the plan.
He truly was a great pet in the face of Tommy Tyson's terrible ties.
And all I have to say to that is, I'm just a kidding around. Fuck you, Tommy.
I'm glad Jerry ate your shit, little rat boy.
We've been starving him for weeks and showing him blueprints of your store and how to pick box.
He's hungry for ties, Tommy, and I'm hungry for blood.
If you're feeling hungry, come on down to goat wool scarves and try our newest edible scarf.
Guaranteed to leave you cozy on the outside and full on the inside.
Sure, why not bring in a Tyson and burn it in front of us and we'll give you 45% off anything in the store.
Don't you dare step foot in our house.
You stay there. Stay out.
You don't have any permission.
I'm an officer of the law. You know that I can enter premises.
I can bring you the license.
Do you need to see my ID?
I do. I would like to see your ID.
Here's the big old badge.
But you need a reason to enter this abode.
Now we're willing to get suspicion of non-licensed dog.
I'll get you the license.
I'm recording this, by the way.
One of the options is suspicions of non-licensed dog.
He put a GoPro in my head so we're capturing everything.
And you're welcome to.
You want to turn on your body cam.
I notice your light isn't blinking, but mine is.
You can request this by GDPR.
You can get that.
We will. Here's the license.
Sir, the dog.
You can see it matches his photo.
Old English sheepdog.
And where is the dog?
He's sleeping.
Can I see the dog?
You want to see if this dog...
This entrance to house on suspicion of non-dog.
You can't just say things out loud and then the happen.
Suspicion of non-dog.
If you don't have a dog but you have a license, that's also fraud.
Dog fraud?
That's dog fraud.
You're accusing us of dog fraud?
Yeah. You could be pretending to have a dog by paying for a license
just to get proof of dog.
Why would anyone do that?
Tax benefits.
What for saving a dog?
You know that the local council has great initiatives for dog owners.
Access to the dog park.
We do claim dog tax credits to be fair.
Do we?
Yeah.
I didn't realise that.
Whenever you get your bins emptied, they put those little doggy bags with the bins.
Those aren't for everyone.
Well, we don't use doggy bags.
We let it compost the ground.
Then what are you doing with the doggy bags that you receive from the bin?
You've really put your foot in it here.
We put our leftovers in it and stuck it in the freezer.
Yeah.
That's not what they're for.
Food fraud.
Food fraud?
You can't stop trying to get into the house.
Stop it, sir.
Get away.
Stop.
You can't have our leftovers.
Permission to go into house duty food for them.
No, get out.
No, it doesn't work.
All right, you're in the house.
You happy?
Here's the fridge.
Do you want to inspect the fridge?
Do you want a cup of tea?
There's the dog.
It's sleeping.
That dog barely matches this photo.
He's had a rough year.
Okay.
We all have.
We keep confusing his change for our leftovers.
There's one problem that I can see here.
This dog license that you have handed me that I'm holding in my hand right now is not signed.
Dog you have failed to sign it.
The dog can't sign things.
We tried.
If it's not signed, it's not, but it's like a passport you're trying to travel on a license
that's not been signed.
The dog isn't moving anywhere.
I'm going to have to lock you out of using the village.
The whole village?
The whole village.
Can't do that, sir.
I'm recording that, do you remember?
Yeah, he's streaming direct to kick.com.
And you're free to get that on GDPR.
I don't know why you're wasting your time with your own recording.
We have a load of people watching this right now.
12 years.
I have the right to be here under right to suspect.
Good.
Rod, Danny, one, two, three, four.
Thank you very much for the sub.
Yeah, we'll get to the bottom of this in a wee second.
Sorry, there's a lot of people watching.
And if I could see inside of this fridge.
Nope.
If you could indeed.
But ask you well, no, because you must have read up on your facts.
I'm not allowed to touch that fridge.
Nope.
You're not.
You can touch your dog, but you can't touch your fridge.
Well, that's right.
That's what we'll be out in the streets screaming tonight.
This is dogs named Alfred.
Alfred.
Open the fridge for me.
Alfred.
Don't do it.
Alfred.
Open the fridge.
Alfred.
Stop.
There we go.
What's in here?
Come on, Alfred.
It's just frozen dog shit.
Okay.
We get very confused.
The bags are hard to.
The more dog shit we accidentally eat, the harder it is to remember not to eat it.
Are you trying to take work away from our good refuse men and women?
No, because we still put our leftovers into the dog bags and into the bin.
We're out of fortune.
That's bin fraud.
Some of them we put into the ground.
That's ground fraud.
I think we're going to go away for a long time.
Alfred.
You're not going anywhere.
You're staying in this house.
Oh, no.
He's going to lock us from the outside.
No.
I'll be condemning your access to the outside world on my exit from this abode.
And you had best not untrust past from your own abode.
I'm going to untrust past on grounds of worry to that the outside is committing food fraud.
You did it.
I can do it.
You have kept enough buried in your own garden to sustain you from years.
What if the dog needs a walk?
That's that's animal cruelty.
Yeah, exactly.
If we can't walk the dog Alfred, do you need a walk?
Alfred.
Come on, Alfred.
Well, Alfred, I'm going to give you mine.
Here's my card, Alfred.
If you need a walk, Alfred, don't put that in your wallet.
You can't take me directly.
But until then, Alfred, free to come and go as he pleases.
Unbelievable.
Alfred, you get us a takeaway.
Oh, just take your dog should it's fine.
The goatswool family will have you believe that their mother makes all the scarves herself.
And they'll have you believe that because that is true.
But what they don't want you to know is that she beats the ever living Jesus Christ out of those poor animals.
Because she discovered that a traumatized goat has a biological response.
And that is to produce more wool.
Because it believes that it can then take more battery from its predators.
It has more wool to sustain the injuries.
The only predators that those goats have to fear is Mrs. Goatswool herself.
For that reason, she's the only member of the family that I respect.
Tommy Tyson's terrible tides.
When no matter how terrible you are, we'll have a tie that fits.
Come in now with a court ordered summon and you'll get half off through the Lord Jesus Christ himself.
I don't know, I just feel like if you're gonna be dragged to do jury duty, you at least want an exciting one.
I don't think we can talk about it personal lives.
I think it's exciting to be paired with me on the jury.
Would you like me to regale you off of what I had for my breakfast?
I had a two pouch.
I usually have three pouches, but today to my he handed not a layer of eggs.
Always me.
And then I had to come down to the court.
I have some of the shell in my pocket.
If you would like some, no, I'm fine.
This is more interesting than the case.
Thank you.
Thank you, Samelia.
Oh, what else would you like to hear about my day?
How about your thoughts on the hit and run case?
Oh, yes.
Indeed.
My P.N. was actually there at the scene, but my P.N. has been silent ever since.
So I believe that something truly bad happened that day.
Hence why we are in court.
That is my verdict.
Okay.
So you're also going with guilty.
Hold on.
That means that you're associated with the case.
So then is it a conflict of interest because your P.N. saw the act?
Oh, yes.
My P.N. is actually going to be up on the stand at some point.
Should I have mentioned that?
Jorah, Jorah, I would like to abstain from the court for I am connected to this case.
Not that I was in the hit and run, but my P.N.
Samantha was was in attendance.
The defense has no objections to her remaining in a juror.
Oh, what an honor to be in still apartment.
I was the prosecutor.
I actually think that we need to keep her in a loop because if we get rid of her, then
we have to start this all again.
There's going to be four days of this restarted.
I would love to be out of here by four.
No, we're going to have to redo four days.
It's going to be a best try.
That's what I'm saying.
It's fine if she stays.
Yeah.
Okay.
Even though her chicken is next even though her be at his next.
I'm feeling good about this case.
Okay.
You're with this.
Mama Goatwool has rightfully earned her place on the food chain and has worked hard to keep
those goats in line.
Oh, Gilbert.
Why doesn't she just go for sheep?
There's more of them and they're easier to scare.
First of all, go fuck yourself.
Mama Goatwool does not do easy work.
Secondly, do you think she's just going to stop at goats?
Mama Goatwool has seen all the ways the animals look at her in Dunbrack and Zoo.
It's the same way that I look at Tommy Tyson theme dartboard on my wall.
This is our God given biological response.
I'm waiting for the day you come out of hiding, Tommy.
I'm really looking forward to it.
I have been a court stenographer for three years now.
It's an exciting job, but I can't speak about it.
No, don't ask questions.
I have been the court gossip for the past number of years.
So if you would like some information, please, my lips are wet and ready to administer gossip.
He gets paid more than me, which I feel is unfair because it's easier to gossip than to purse one's nips in silence.
How about you gossip then?
I will not gossip because...
Here's a bit of gossip. I believe the court stenographer has been having an affair.
You can't talk about that. It was outside of court.
Exactly. Still gossip.
No, it's court gossip you're hired for. That's inadmissible.
It's gossip that involves...
You're sullying the good name of court gossip. You can't even do that, right?
I believe you're the one sullying the good name by having an affair.
No, I'm sullying by good name. I think you'll find...
The reason why this has not been known to many people is because they are having an affair with the head of the newspaper.
It's outside of court, the head of the newspaper.
And they're keeping it out of the paper.
Yes, and he buries...
Buries the lead.
Yeah, he buries the lead.
Honey?
Yes?
I've been looking at this transcript.
Yes?
Have you been having an affair?
I'm not allowed to talk about what happened in the court.
Read the last five lines back to me.
I can't talk about that.
I'm a stenographer. I'm not the gossip.
If you want to get the gossip in here, you'll have to do that in your own time.
It says here...
Yes, baby. Buried the lead.
Yes, it does.
That is as far as I'll go with it.
Except to say...
That that is me.
Court stenographer is me.
Yes, your assumptions are correct.
I can talk about what happened outside of court.
But I cannot, in good conscience, stay the dial in an affair...
Inside of court.
You're not allowed to have an affair...
Inside or outside of court?
Oh, well, the lines are blurry.
I just can't talk about anything in court, so...
Does anything go...
Is this the first time this has happened?
I can't talk about that.
Jesus.
I'm going to make a freedom of information request.
Please don't do that.
The gossip will be all over my back.
GILBERT GOLDSWELL
Gilbert Goltzwall.
Meet me at 4pm.
At the swing set.
For your untimely demise.
Jesus will be there.
Will you?
I'm so sorry. I didn't realize I would be a surprise witness.
I'm unfamiliar with the crime.
I was just suddenly pulled in off the street.
I was blindfolded and someone shouted to surprise.
Now I'm here.
I don't know anything.
Look, you can make this up as you go along.
Do you think this guy's guilty or not?
How you doing?
First impressions.
What is up with you?
It's a simple yes or no.
Guilty, not guilty.
I have a large water cash waiting for you if this answer is correct.
I mean, I pay him a lot of protection money, so I don't want to speak against him.
Oh. Of all the people to pull in off the street, huh?
Well, I mean, a lot of people pay him.
Statistically, that was going to happen.
Okay.
If you whisper to me, if you think he's guilty or not guilty,
and I won't say that unless you want me to say that that's what you said.
I can lip read.
Okay, how about this?
I will write an envelope to crime.
I think he did it.
You will write an envelope to crime he's currently being accused of.
If they match, I'll testify.
Oh, what?
Oh, so you're going to-
I don't know what he's being accused of.
Yeah, but you have a sense of what he could be being accused of.
You're just going to profile him a little bit.
I don't know if he's guilty or not guilty.
Oh, no, I'm intimately familiar with him.
And I know he's committed a number of crimes, but I don't know which one he's being prosecuted for.
Right, which one? Which one?
Yeah, yeah, and I don't want to testify against crimes that are irrelevant to this case.
It's like a needle in a crime stick.
I mean, it's pretty good odds that he's guilty then, from what you're saying.
I don't know the crime. He only commits certain types of crimes.
Exactly. You do more crimes, harder to find.
If it's a different type of crime than he usually does, it's a 0% chance.
For example, I don't believe he would sell illegal lumber.
No, all legal lumber.
So what sort of crimes would you be more familiar with him?
His kind of hallmarks. Hypothetically. All of the record.
Leading the witness, Your Honor.
He's a good lawyer, isn't he?
I can't believe he's defending himself.
You represented me in my divorce.
I am the most expensive lawyer that I could hire.
Okay, I'll just say it. He'll happily falsify documents.
Yeah, that sort of tracks from our experience as well.
That is not what I am on trial for here. That is, in and out of this.
All right, but in that case, I'm not testifying any further.
All right, okay, well, back onto the street you go.
You can have a discount next week.
No further questions, Your Honor.
What is that?
Hey, hey, hey, do you hear that? Do you know what that is?
What?
Do you hear that? What's happening?
I don't know. Someone said something about some old guys fighting?
What? Seriously? Did you bet on that?
Why would I bet on two pensioners trying to kill each other?
Tooth of death. Oh my God. Is anyone betting on it?
Oh my God, my uncle wouldn't let me bet on that.
Okay.
He must have known it was happening.
Cool.
Typical.
I'm sorry.
Do you have a tan on you?
Why are you still here?
Yeah, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry. You're right. Bye-bye. Sorry.
Back to Dumb Bracken is created, produced, and edited by Colm Ultimate Gay.
For more information and podcasts, you can follow us at Dumb Bracken pod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Flora Connlund, Marcus Keighley, Jerd Donnelly,
Kieran Sands, Hall Moon, Niall McKenna, and Aaron Marshall.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Malham, and you can check out his
entire album on Earth on Spotify now.
For more information and podcasts, visit Dumb Bracken.com.
Thank you.