Hi there, we were just wondering what bus or train or public transport that we could
get that would bring us to Dublin. We were just looking to do a day trip there.
Rather than here.
So sorry, public transport?
Yeah, just what's the most direct route, we don't have a car. We thought, I say we, someone
thought that they were booking for us for a weekend in Dublin, but we ended up in Dunbracken
and I can only half see how that mistake has been made.
They are very close to each other on the forums.
They also share quite a lot of similar letters. So really, it's much much the same.
I'm sure you have guests here to whom the same thing happened all the time.
Not all our guests are as enthusiastic as we would like, but we're happy to have everyone.
But yeah, if you had any like maps or you could tell us where the best bus stop is.
First to go to Dublin.
So you don't have a car?
No car.
Sorry, how did you get here?
An expensive taxi.
Okay. Yes, so we don't have, you know, your sort of Dublin standard infrastructure. Okay,
you could walk there. That would be about, what would you say your pace is?
I mean, I run a half marathon about 15 years ago.
Oh, good for you, sir. Well, in that case, I'd say it would be about closer to four days
than five.
Okay, so not possible as a day trip.
Well, your other option is Jim does have a trailer and he goes to the farmer's market
with his cabbages twice a week. And he's been known to take passengers. Now that would be
obviously much quicker than the foot option.
When you say trailer, are we in the cab part of it? Like, are we on seats or are we in
there with the cabbages?
I think he likes to negotiate that personally with it, you know, each passenger.
Oh, I quite like to haggle. I love to haggle.
Yeah, but what if one of us gets a seat and then one of us ends up in with a cab?
I'm a good haggler. I reckon I can get us both seats at the front.
Okay, well, when is the next time that he's heading down to Dublin?
Well, do you want me like he's just like the back is living our cabbages.
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
Hi. Hi there. I left my shoes under my desk. It's a pair of shoes. And I know the offices
are closed, but I need them. Well, I can't have you walking about the office. I was looking
for random pairs of shoes. Could you possibly describe them to me? And maybe I could have
a quick look and maybe, you know, it's just I've got strict instructions. I can't let
anybody in after a certain time, you know, I'll be very quiet. Well, clearly you've got
no shoes on. I can see that. You've got nothing on your feet. And they would also complain
a bit about that if you walked, if I let someone walk around barefoot. But I can have a quick
look for you. I mean, could you want to describe the shoes?
Okay. They're pink.
Pink shoes.
Yes.
I definitely shouldn't be that new in here at all. Then this is a very serious place
of work. I can see why you left them under the desk now. But I can have a look now, but
you'll have to fill in a form first anyway. You'll have to fill in that form because,
you know, I need to so I need you to write down the exact description of the shoes. What
size are they?
Size two.
Yes.
Okay. Are you sure they're size two? Are they your shoes? Are they? I mean, you know, that's
the other thing as well. This is going to raise a few more other questions now. It's
like, are you asking for someone else's shoes?
They're a gift.
They're a gift. So are they open? Are they sitting in a box?
I had to take them out of the box so I could see what they looked like.
And did you throw the box away then?
Yes. They're under my desk.
Okay. Well, you have to point out where your where's your desk. Which one's your desk?
It's right in the middle of the trading floor.
Right in the middle of the trading floor. Oh, that really important big round desk.
Yes.
That's your desk. That's a lovely desk. That's a lovely desk. You must be quite important.
Where's the form?
The form is in front of you there. That's the form. I put it down there.
But this is five pages.
Yes. God, if you keep staring, there's a pen there. There's a pen. It's on the chain. So
you'll have to stay.
Boss. Boss.
Yeah, yeah.
Boss, there's an emergency. There's an emergency. We have to evacuate the building now.
Evacuate the building?
Why?
We found a strange pair of pink shoes on the desk. The round desk in the center. We think
it's a bomb.
That's them. That's them.
Oh yeah, but we're going to have to get the bombs I suppose in there because they've been
reported now as a bomb, you see. So that trumps whatever purpose you're going to put on the
form.
My neighbor, he's a wild man for stealing my packages. He would just take them. I get
a delivery from the mailman. He would just take all my deliveries. So he would just take
them. And now, of course, my first line of action, I'm sure. What did I do, sure? I went
straight and I asked my postman if he could just put my packages into my bin. But he just,
he laughed at me. So he did. He says mail wasn't rubbish. You can't even be doing that.
Now that'd be, that'd be silly. Sure. What if he, he could get in trouble? Cause how
does he know? The bin schedule. And sure, if he puts them in to the bin and then the
bin man comes along and then I shout at the postman and then that'd be a whole thing.
So that, that was no good for him. Now he didn't, he didn't like that as a solution.
So I tells, I tell suppose man, so I did, I told him to just give the packages, to just,
to give them to me inside the house. And she said, so that's what I've been doing. So
he did. That's what he said to me. I've been doing that the whole time. I've been giving
to someone in the house. I said, sure. What do you mean? I live alone. And well, I haven't
been getting any of the packages handed to you from me. Now you have. He said, I don't
know. And I don't know if I believe this now, but sure. What did he say to me? He said,
I don't know what to tell you. I said, I've been, I've been given these packages to someone
at the front door every day. I said to him, sure. Well, can you tell me this now? Was
it me? You've been given them to. And he says, he says to me, he says, sure. How would
I know? I see so many faces every single day. Would you, would you have some sort of interesting
feature that I would remember you by? I says to him, sure. You're the one looking at me
right now, aren't you? So do you not recognize me and my, me and my house here now? He, he
came back to me with a fair enough response. He says, sure. Now I might, I might recognize
you and I might recognize this house, but you know, I can't be sure that I recognize
the both of you together. And he had me. So the postman was no use. I was going to have
to get to the bottom of this on my own without, without the postman's help now. So I'd have
to go down to my cell and I went and got myself one of those new Fangord ringing doorbells
and they're weird things now because they are, because they say they're ringing doorbells,
but on things they're just sitting there video and everything. A better name for it would
be a video doorbell. No, because, because sure. Don't we, don't we already know that
a doorbell is going to ring anyway? That's, that's the primary. And in most cases, I would
argue the only function of a doorbell is to ring. And sure, ringing bell are just synonymous
with one another, aren't they? That's a bit of a misnomer. You might as well just say bell
doorbell, you know, but that's neither here nor there now to be fair to you.
So, um, thanks for coming out to this tour of the village. This is the village part of
the tie and it is actually the underdog we call it of the tie. How old is it? So the
village has been about before most of us were born. We're actually standing on the site
of the first ever train station of Dunbracken. And as you can see, we actually used to have
a bridge now. It's only half a bridge now. So don't, don't, don't, don't climb over
it. Come back. Can you bring your son back please? You don't know how old it is. Yes,
it's older than most of the people in the town. How old is it? What's wrong, Jimmy?
I'm on top of half the bridge. Don't jump. What happened last time? No, no, no, I'm not
going to jump. Don't jump. So how old is the village? So the village is older than most
of the people living here. So if we move on down to the street here, this is the main
street of the village. Well, what age is the oldest person? Well, on the right you will
see a building that the oldest person in Dunbracken used to live in, but it is now a horse stable.
So now you see that horse there. Do you like horses? Young boy, do you like a horse? No,
no horses. No, don't like horses. No, they're dangerous. They kick you. Well, it's like
heights. I like heights. Keith, do you like horses? I'm all right with horses actually.
I don't mind them. Right, Keith, you'll be the volunteer then on the tour. Come here.
It's called immersive touring. We're going to get you. Come over here and hold my left
hand. Okay then. What do you want me to do? With your right hand, you put your hand on
the horse's nose. Right on the horse's nose. Are you ready for this everyone? It's going
to kick, it's going to kick, it's going to kick, mama, bet you. Its feet are at the back.
I lost the front to you in a wee accident. If you just watch me, do you know what a Mexican
wave is? I've seen it on the television. They do that during the football, don't they? Right,
so what's going to happen? I'm going to lift my arm here and when you feel me lift my arm
that you're holding, you do it too. And see what the horse does, see what the horse does
there everyone. Ready? Step back, step back, step back. You ready Keith? Ready when you
are. Here we go. Have you ever seen a horse do that? No you haven't. I have never seen
a horse do that. It was fascinating. Do you see the way its hair moved? It didn't move
mama, it didn't move. I didn't see it move. She still doesn't know what age the village
is. Jump in. Gem, Gem, Gem, Gem, Gem, we might have a few passengers for you this afternoon.
Oh, oh hello. Alright, alright. Hi, I'm Jim. Alright, from Horn Shack to Jim, I like that.
These are our newest guests. Shake my hand, yep. Oh welcome. There we go. You want a cabbage?
We want to go to Dublin. Yeah, they want to go to the big city. Big city boys and girls.
I said you were the man to talk to. Oh yeah, I'll be doing a trip up there Tuesday morning.
That's today. Yeah, but we're at half 11 so like there's a little morning. I'm going
back. Are we like you haven't left yet? No, I'm here currently. Yeah, but as in like you
haven't you haven't already done the trip. No, I haven't. I spend my day going down there.
So I'll be going Tuesday morning. I thought we were going to still see if somebody by
staying here tonight rather than in Dublin. Is that the time? Yeah, yeah, you've seen
a lot of the strike of time but I think we can get a lift. But you're coming back the
same evening, right? Oh yeah, I'll drop them off and I'll be right back on the road again.
Right away. I'll return Wednesday, twilight. Wednesday, twilight. Good stay in Dublin.
Well that was the plan originally was to stay in Dublin. I'm telling you I drop these off
these cabbages and then I go. Isn't that right? Oh, I know you're not one for hanging around
Jim. Not one for hanging around except when I get talking to Al Bill out there. Talking
to the Ed Schiff is what I've lost track of. Oh well you two are like peas in a pod. Cabbage
is in a truck. Good one sir. Oh thank you. I'm very funny. Would you like to sit up front?
I would love to. You know what? It would be great if my wife could sit next to me as well.
Are you as funny? Yeah. Wonderful. Two funnies I'll make for a delightful trip. Yeah. That'll
really pass the time on the road. Are you okay with an og? Excuse me? My og, Petal.
She sits in the front with me. I might be a cramp because she's sitting in the back
just as well. She can't. She'll eat all the cabbages. But I love her. She's hilarious
too. Yeah she is. She's very funny. You have to see her. Why is she oinks? Could you give
us just a moment? We're just going to work out logistics very quickly. I like him. What?
He's a down earth man. I talk to too many corporate people I feel like. Yeah right.
But if I went up and I got our stuff quickly we just ask him to drop us at the airport
and go home. I mean, a flight's down till tomorrow. I don't mind spring for an extra
night in Dublin. Well you should have bought the extra nights in Dublin to begin with.
Then we wouldn't have been out of pocket for having to get that taxi from Dublin airport
to here. It was a long journey and I apologize. And he was no crack, that driver. No he didn't
laugh at any of my jokes. No. Yeah but I mean we had a good time here. I mean we had time
here. They served us a lot of cabbage in the restaurant. We saw corn maize, we saw minefield,
we saw a lot of things. We saw a chicken infested radio tower. That was cool. Yeah okay. We
wouldn't have seen that in Dublin. Do you want to stall for time and then I'll go and
get our stuff? I think we could just ask him to wait. I don't know. Do you mind just waiting
while we grab our stuff? Oh yeah I'm not leaving until Tuesday morning. See I think if we get
our stuff then we might miss Tuesday morning now. Our pal will love this. She loves sitting
on people's laps. Oh I know she's a great one for the company. Yeah. You ever need her
in here and the lobby desk you can have her. I think it might be a story to tell if we
let the hog ride in front of us. Yeah no that's fine. I thought you'd object. No I sort of
just want to get the luggage and the toiletries that I will steal so that we don't have to
come back to this place. Yeah I mean. I'll take the story as long as it's a one directional
story. So you're pro. Okay so you don't want to come back. Your problem wasn't that you
expected Dublin and this is just a change of expectation because I wouldn't mind coming
back. No I wanted Dublin. We are going to Dublin. But what I'm saying is. My Pinterest
border was for Dublin. My itinerary was for Dublin. I understand. Dublin? I'm going there
Tuesday morning. Yeah. You're providing a great service for these city folks Jim. I
do yeah. All I'm saying is. It's not like this in Cork. No no it's not like this in
Cork. I mean that's why I like coming here. What I'm saying is we can go to Dublin enjoy
our time there and then next year we come here intentionally. Yeah. Next year. I just
feel like there's a lot to explore. As if there will be a next anniversary. I think
so. Do you know? Well a year's a long time. You're just stressed. Oh you want to be stressed?
You should old petal the old journey. She's a wonderful stress ball like a big oinky pink
stress ball. Love's a good cuddle so she does. And you'll need to decide which one of you
is sitting on Jim's lap. It is a two seater cab. Yes petal will sit on one of you and
one of you will sit on me. Well I think he's your new best friend. So you can sit on his
lap. And I think you really need to hold petal. Squeeze the pig. Yeah I think that will relax
you and you know what I think by the time we get down to Dublin we'll be looking forward
to our next anniversary. I'm confident. We've had this argument every year. Well let's not
jump the gun. There is a gun in the glove box just in case anyone tries to rob our cabbages.
But petal will attack most people. Do you hear that? The gun's going to be on my side.
Yes just the way I like it. It's like when we go to sleep at night it's on your side
of the bed. Someone reported a bomb. Hello is that you? The bomb squad is that you? Where's
the bomb? Why is there still people in this building? They should get evacuated immediately.
They're filling in their forms. There's a clock. There's a bomb and you're getting them to
fill out. Get them out of the building immediately. There's a bomb disposal form. Well everyone
fill your, take your bomb disposal forms and fill them out as we go along. Do you know
how much these cost? Where is the bomb? What does it look like? I need to go and dispose
of it. You saw it. You saw it was ticking. He says it's a pink pair of shoes. A size
two. They're sitting in the middle of the floor. There's a nice big round desk in the
middle of the floor. A ticking pair of shoes. These kids these days you know they put wheels
and stuff on shoes. I think maybe they put clocks in them. There's a clock in the shoe.
Is it that big round desk? I'll go and see what it can do. Everyone take their forms
and get out because basically we're going to fill them out. Now lift the pen although
they're chained to the pen so we'll have to bring the desk. Can I go boss? I'm too young
to die. I'm too young to die. Calm down. Calm down. The form will determine whether you're
too young to die. The form will determine if you're too young to die because that's
a question on the form. Remember the bomb disposal form is written at 17 pages. 17 pages
long. I'm finished filling it in. Which form have you finished in? Is that a five page
form? Yes. Unfortunately that form is trumped by the bomb disposal form so you'll have to
fill in the 17 page form. Everyone could you lift the desk here? Just lift the desk because
we're going to have to bring the pen with us. I can't see my writing anymore. My tears
have wiped I think. Can you bring me the shoes so I can see them for the last time? They're
ticking bomb. They're a bomb sir. They've been identified as a bomb. That trumps them
as a shoe. It's quite all right. It's not a bomb. Somebody put a watch inside a pair
of pink ballet pumps. Yes. Is that yours then sir? Yes. Well you're going to have to put
them there because I think if you're going to claim lost property now you're going to
have to fill in another form sir. So I got to videoing my front door so I did and the
pushman he was true to his word so that was good now but he had indeed been handing the
packages to someone someone right in the door so he had been but sure enough now that wasn't
me and I could prove it because sure wouldn't I be the one receiving the packages if I was
the one who had been receiving the packages? I would remember that I think and even if
I did forget because sometimes I do forget things now but I'd have the package you know
as a reminder of receiving the package. So of course the ring doorbell itch I'm sure
it's only capturing the hand of whoever's receiving the package and that's no use to
nobody now. So what did I do? Sure I turned it around didn't I? I turned the doorbell
to face the door and that's when all my suspicions were confirmed because right enough I was
seeing my neighbour every day sure enough there he is opening my door and receiving
my packages and then he just waits. He waits until the postman leaves and then he says
goodbye and he just saunters on over to his house so he does. Now I confronted him about
this of course now. Now that I had video evidence sure I was confronting him right away but
sure didn't he say that looks like footage of him in his front porch which was to be
fair to him a good argument in his defense because our houses are the exactly same exactly
the same build so I didn't have a leg to stand on there. So I asked him for my spare
key back and he said no no he couldn't be doing that now. Of course it's my spare key
so I says to him I said hey it doesn't matter what you think here now it's my spare key
and sure I want it back now don't I? But he comes back at me and says that I have hurt
his feelings of course there's me hurting his feelings by accusing him of this sort
of thing now hey and making his reputation go down a bit of a drain so he says. So I
did I let him keep the keys because I felt bad about it but then I was reading a bit
of psychology stuff online I just happened to stumble upon it one day you know and it
seemed like he was doing some sort of a term they call in the psychological circles the
abusive term known as a Darvo which is where the offender they deny the accusation that
has been thrown at them and then they attack the victim by reversing the victim and the
offender and sure enough the more I read in this Darvo thing the more it seemed like that's
exactly what he had done to me now. He had convinced me that I was in the wrong for just
wanting my package back and sure having the audacity to simply accuse him of doing the
exact thing I knew he had been doing and I had the video footage to prove it sure. So
so what what would I do here now was the next plan of action for me was that I would get
my locks changed and I did that but then of course I don't trust my neighbour on the
other side because he's a wild man you know he is a wild man for slipping in in your cupboards
and like seeing what medication you're on and I don't want any of that sort of nonsense
going on so I ended up having to just give my new spare key right back to John and John
he's the neighbour who has been stealing the packages don't know if I've said that
before but sure John McCauley that's his name so it is. So I ended up I got a wee guard
dog so I did and sure enough the next time that John tried to steal my packages sure
didn't my new dog just didn't it just clean tear hamstring right out of his body now so
it did and Jesus it was brutal but sure they did the job now because he hasn't been back
since. I was ordered by the court to pay his medical fees and they're they're fairly
hefty now even know that he was the one to break into my house but sure you know it is
what it is because I'll happily pay anything that the court asked me to there because shouldn't
I get it all my ring or bell? By Jesus that video of that dog ripping his hamstring clean
out of his body sure that video that's priceless to me now so it is.
Well darling how was your work today? Well that's the usual you know now Tommy I really
try I love this wee village I love the village part of the town you know people don't take
it seriously. And did you take them on a tour today? I took them on a tour now to the village
part of the town and I showed them the horse. That sounds lovely darling. I know but you
know this wee boy. Was it a good crowd? It was a good wee crowd now. Were there three
today? Three? There were three today sure did and the horse. New troublemakers? Oh aye
there was a troublemaker now. Troublemaker? I can handle troublemakers now Tom. Sure I
handle you. I know you can you're a good woman I just worry you're getting older. I know
but I love this wee village part of the town. I know you love this wee village part of the
town but this town I don't know if it's safe anymore. Now listen are you speaking to that
wee boy because I can tell you that horse did not kick anybody. I don't know what wee
boy you're talking about. The horse did not kick anybody Tommy look me in the eyes. The
horses can kick people. For 47 years 47 years you've looked into these eyes. Do these eyes
look like somebody's lying to you? No darling you don't lie. Thank you Tommy give us a wee
kiss now. Mum why did you bring us to this house for the end of tour? It's really really
underwhelming there's nothing here. I didn't like the horses but at least there was a horse.
I don't know I just kept asking her how old the town was and she wouldn't tell us and
then she said we had to come to this house and just wait. She just left us here in the
garden. I don't know what we're waiting on. She just left us here in the garden. Like
it's getting dark. I'm actually kind of scared. Um Tommy Tommy I have something to tell you.
I know you say leave your work at home but or don't bring your work home sorry leave
it at work. I've brought some of the touries home with me. Oh darling I wish you'd said.
I had all my top hats today. They're in the garden. I know but if you'd let me know I
would have saved a few. Give them something to eat. No I'm just I've got nothing to offer
them. I feel worthless. Should we bring them in? And what leave them in the spare room?
We'll bring them in here to the kitchen we'll have a wee chat with them. We'll stay and
over night or anything. Tommy don't be silly. I can't make small talk with strangers. I've
made small talk with them about the village all day but I didn't get to finish the tour
because of some man called Keith that just would when I sleep complain. Darling you're
a master at small talk. You're the only person I talk to. What am I going to say to people
who aren't you? Tommy shout out that window for them to come in. I'm not opening that
window. Shout out that window. No I won't open the window. I'll have to do it myself.
No I'll do it. I'll do it. Thank you.
Mum there's barbed wire on top of that fence. There's barbed wire on the top of the fence.
There's no way out. There's no way out. There's no gate. There's no gate. I know I know. There's
only that one way in. I don't know what to do. I think personally we should knock out
Keith because he's been weird all evening. This past at the tour? And then we use his
body to up over the barbed wire. I'm right here. And then climb up over it. Mum no no
we can't do that. We can't do that. I don't want to be stuck here in Dunbracken. Why'd
you bring me to Dunbracken? I don't want to.
The tour company said it was the place to be. This was part of like a historical. I
thought we had learned a lot. She didn't even know how old the village was. She told us
that we had to walk down that one path and if we took one step off we'd know about it.
I mean what is going on here? I don't know. Keith would you hand me that bit of wood?
What? Hand me that bit of wood. Oh I can talk now can I? Hello? Hello did you see her talking
to me shouting out the window? Tommy shout again. Come on in. Oh you're so welcome you
see I told you. Come on in. Who the hell's that? Tommy apparently. I'll just open the
door for you. There's nothing to be scared of. There you go it's open. It's like six
locks. We're not going to go in. No we're not going in the house. 13. 13 locks? Just
trust your mother it'll be okay. Come on in as you walk in through the door you'll see
the 13 locks out your left okay? And this is one of the oldest houses in the village
part of the town. Come on in. Oh darling tell him how old it is. It is older than most of
the people in this village. Back to Dunbracken is created produced and edited by Connlith
McVeigh. For more information on the podcast you can follow us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Rachel Coulter, James Geddes, Saul
Greenberg, Christine Clark, Stephen McGlennan, Claire Nugent and Stephen Convill. The opening
and closing music was created by Connor Mallon and you can check out his entire album Unearth
on Spotify now. Thank you for listening we look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken
very soon.