What sort of bike would you recommend?
I'm just looking for something for a commute.
Nothing too, you know, extravagant.
We have some blue ones over there.
Okay.
And what's the technical grade of the blue ones?
They, I'd say they'd be pretty good.
Yeah.
All right.
Do you get many people buying the blue ones?
Ah, well, some people buy the green ones too, but, uh, I suppose they'd be grand.
What's different about the green ones?
Well, they're green.
Yeah, well, what's different about them?
Well, from afar, I suppose the handlebars has a bell on the green one, but it doesn't
on the blue.
Would you be a musical person?
I'm not a musical person, but I'm a loud person.
I don't think I am, but my mom says I am.
She's always like, Oh, can you be quiet?
Sounds to me like your mom might want you to get the blue one.
Stop shouting, stop raising your voice at the table like that.
Well, you've been pretty quiet in here.
I've been thinking, I've been thinking about becoming a cyclist.
And I feel like cyclists are quiet.
So this is just a thought?
No, I can't.
You haven't been an experienced cyclist before.
I can't.
No, I can ride a bike.
I've done the tests.
I've done the online tests.
I'm not one of these blue ones.
It's basically the same thing.
It's basically, I've paid seven pound.
Oh, I'll click this.
I'll click that.
I know how to get on a bike.
No proper material, proper shirts.
Sorry.
Get out until you've got it.
No, hold on.
How am I supposed to get on a bike if it's not put the leg over and then sit in the thing?
Well, it's put the leg.
Feet on pedals, let's go.
Well, how are you supposed to know how to do that when you've only been reading it?
Tell me this.
No, I've cycled.
I'm just not a commuter cycler.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
I'm not on fucking stabilizers.
All right.
Yeah.
So is 99% of the cyclists in the world.
It's not a big feat.
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
Where are you, Tom?
The wall?
Oh, you're hearing that too?
Good, good, good, good.
I thought it was just me.
No.
Yeah.
I'm trapped inside the wall.
Look, I was looking for, you know, when you find like loose cash down the side of the
couch.
Sorry, I didn't quite get that.
You know, when you're looking for loose change down the side of the couch.
Well, I thought no one ever checks in between the walls.
What if there's like loads of loose change in the walls?
Tom, how would loose change get into the walls?
Some walls have little slots in them, you know, little coin holes.
How does loose change get down the side of the couch?
If you're short of money, you could have just asked.
No, I can't.
I can't just ask.
It doesn't work that way.
I need to earn my own money.
I need to find my own money.
I can't just ask.
I need to earn my own money.
I can't just ask for it.
Hey, Tom, I'm going to be honest.
You living in the wall doesn't mean you get out of paying rent.
You still have to pay for your room.
No, look, I'm a wall boy now.
I'm at the wall.
No, I see this.
I knew this was his angle.
I knew this was going to be his angle.
No, it wasn't.
It's just to find change.
It's not.
It's not an elaborate scheme to get out of paying rent again.
Because to be honest, the walls cover more square footage of the house.
So if anything, your rent would actually go up.
And we could also get another person in for Tom's room.
So.
But Tom, how did you get inside the wall?
From a deposit perspective?
Like a cash deposit?
Did you make a hole in the wall in your room?
No.
My room is normal.
And if you go into my room and you see the big poster that I have on my wall.
The big sexy David Hasselhoff poster.
It's always been there.
I've always had it.
You know I love David Hasselhoff.
You know he's my icon.
Just leave it the way it is, OK?
I was looking at it earlier and I just I thought it was like 3D.
But because like there's a little bit of movement in it.
I thought it was just the waves and stuff.
But now I'm thinking it's the air.
Is that is that why you got those those rock chiseling equipment ordered from Amazon there
last month?
No, no, that was for my extra-policular activities outside of the house.
I'm going to be honest.
Rock chiseling seemed extensive for drywall.
Like you could have punched the wall, Tom.
So did I waste my money?
Tom, I'd have interest.
I mean, how much money have you found?
You know, you don't always find things immediately.
You've got to.
It's a bit of a scavenger hunt.
And to be fair, just because you find money in the wall means that someone has probably
put money specifically in the wall because it's a good hiding place.
The money that you find is probably somebody else's money.
That's not how money works at all.
I think you'll have to divide it for.
No, I don't think he actually will.
I think you'll just have to give it to the rightful owner of the place, the money in
the wall.
What if someone comes back here looking for that money?
You're making this sound so elaborate, like some kind of crazy Russian mafia is like,
you know, used to live in this house back in the 80s.
And they they like left a big duffel bag of money in the wall.
No, I'm saying that the wall is a really good hiding spot for a small bag of money that
someone might have put there.
And it's their money.
It's their money.
OK, you seem to know an awful lot about this money.
Well, if he finds money, it's clearly not his money.
Clearly someone has put it there for a rainy day.
And yes, of like any time he's been doing side jobs and side hustles, he's been putting
money behind the wall because no one's going to look behind the wall because it's a crazy
thing to do.
We'll just go check behind Colin's room real quick.
We won't be able to identify it, so we'll just have to divide it four ways.
No, actually, I think you'll find that it was probably, I don't know, say who belongs
to each and every individual note because the person didn't want to be found.
But if it was found, they wanted to make sure that it was clearly labeled as to who it is.
And yes, they did get overboard on a label maker and the money might be not working now
because they've been labeled so much.
It's a person's money who put it in that you don't you don't get money out of a bank and
say it's my money now, do you?
Well, would we need to tell Mr Gorski, the landlord, that we find money in the vaults?
I think we might need to report Colin to the landlord for like, he's trying to get out
of paying rent, I think.
I'm not trying to get out of paying rent.
I'm trying to hide my money.
I mean, I'm trying to, someone's just trying to hide money.
Someone's just trying to hide money.
Oh yeah, guys, there's a duffle bag of money here behind Colin's room.
So how did you get the money into the wall?
Is this why you ordered that rock chiseling set two months ago?
Yeah, and I realized it was too much because it's drywall.
I could have just punched straight through it.
Is that why you have that sexy top selling poster in your room?
No, very different reasons.
Oh.
Now tell me this, on your commute, are we hitting main roads?
Are we hitting dual carriageways?
Is it back roads?
Well, I've not done it on a bike before.
I think it's mostly main roads.
I don't know if there's any shortcuts.
I don't know if there's any grassy verges I can go across because then I'd need an off-roader.
Look, I'm trying to do the best here.
Should we get Google Maps up and have a look?
You need to come to me with the details.
Do you want me to cycle it for you as well?
I just wanted advice.
I'm new to buying bikes.
Normally the bikes I cycle are stolen.
Okay, typical.
Criminal.
Criminal thinks that they want to change up and become a cyclist for a minute.
The compute's probably to escape, is it?
I needed to try bikes before I buy bikes.
This isn't a try before you buy industry.
This is for people who are dedicated, born with the thrill of cycling.
Not looking to sell bikes.
I'm looking to buy a bike as a one time thing.
You've come to the right place.
Yeah.
Love, I hear you talking in the back in there.
What's going on out here?
Oh, hello love.
How can we help you?
She's another one of these online halyans.
Oh, for God's sake.
I paid seven pound.
I could have done it for free.
Ah yeah, click click and then you're cycling free, aren't you?
I sure have told her it all before.
All right, right.
Look, we're happy enough to sell things to you as long as you got your cycling license.
That's no problem at all.
License.
I?
License.
Oh, I?
You know, it's like a weak card.
Yeah, but I'm, I'm cycling because I can't get my driver's license.
Sounds to me like she's doing it illegally.
Doesn't aid love, doesn't aid.
Look, we've got another option for you and I don't know if you're interested in this
now because you sound like you've got your own thing sorted out.
I thought I wanted the green one.
We can still get that for you, but you need to go through the cycling school.
We've got the cones in the back ready to go now, but it's entirely up to your choice.
We can't, we can't force you.
No, don't be, don't be putting pressure on me like that.
You can't just spring something like that on a person.
You know, I paid seven pounds.
I'm basically a cyclist.
I still have to go in the payments because I'm a bit nervous of the cars and the buses
and the other cyclists.
It's all in principle.
I'm sorry to tell you love, but you've been scammed out of that seven pound.
You may as well, well got the bus.
See those, see those scams online.
They're right, aren't they?
Oh, they're fucking awful.
Oh, they're right.
I love by the way they go.
Cheers love.
I'm still on stabilizers.
I'm sorry.
Now you've got to the source.
Now we're sucking diesel.
Good stuff.
Hey, follow me to aisle three where I'll show you the stabilizers.
No, I don't humiliate me.
Give me a two wheel bike.
We've got nice green ones now.
Big chunky wheels, big chunky wheels.
So I'm not going to fall over.
Look, this, this doll doesn't know what she's talking about.
She says to me that she wants to commute, but then she says that she wants a chunky wheel.
We patched us scared.
It's all right now.
Is this baby's first bike?
Yeah, baby's first bike.
First purchased bike.
I've stolen bikes in the past, but they're mostly from children.
We'll show you into it light love.
Don't you worry.
You won't be doing that illegal stuff no more.
Can I get wee streamers for the handlebars?
We'll get you anything you want.
We have it all.
Do you want a wee cup of tea as well love?
Do you want two sugars in it?
No, sugar's too strong for me.
Do you want to take a wee seat and we'll get streamers for you?
I didn't expect this to bring up so much emotions for me.
Don't be worried.
Don't be worrying.
You're worth the best in the business.
I mean, you are the only bike shop in the 10 mile radius.
As I said, best in the business.
Hi there.
Are you currently plagued by a banshee?
Or perhaps you have accidentally stumbled upon a pot of gold and upon touching it were
cursed forevermore by a leprechaun.
To be rich but to never find love, which is richer than money.
Perhaps you crossed paths with a puka and a puka rode alongside you and startled your
living horse so much that it refused to complete in the grand derby and you're out of a lot
of money in the crime law that has loaned you the money is coming tomorrow.
You collect good on your deal.
Well fear not friend for I am Clive bubbles expert 72 year old demonologist and I can
rid you of anything you believe is chasing you.
And if you're not entirely satisfied with my services, you don't have to pay me a dime
or a penny or a cent.
Don't just take my word for it.
Here from some of my previous customers.
Clive bubbles, I'm going to find you and I'm going to kill you.
You ruined my life Clive bubbles.
It was George smolders who when I realized he was housing a fourth level incubus inside
his body.
I stabbed in the chest right there and then in his demonic sexual glands killing George
instantly sending the incubus back to the depths of hell from whence it came.
I don't believe it was really George smolders who wanted to kill me but the incubus that
was living and residing in him as if he was a home for a demon.
I will take care of any one and any demon no questions asked when George's wife came
to me.
She claimed that she had been possessed by that very same incubus which caused her to
sleep with her friend James.
But thankfully the incubus had recently moved from her into her husband Gerald.
Gerald's wife is now living with James and she's never been happier that the incubus
is out of her life.
You too can be happy and I will solve any problem no questions asked.
Live bubbles private investigator and expert 72 year old demonologist.
So you did feel when you hit the chicken.
That probably wasn't and I know that it's not in the highway code but unfortunately
any fatalities do count as a major.
Don't do this.
You don't have to do this.
Sylvia I have to.
If you feel me I will I will commit vehicular manslaughter.
You've done it once Sylvia.
I'll do it again.
Roberta you can't call a chicken vehicular manslaughter.
That's just not fair.
Thank you.
Thank you Stephanie.
You're welcome.
You're welcome Sylvia.
Yeah okay Stephanie I appreciate you sat in as her instructor in on the test as a distraction
method but I would say that's partially why Sylvia hit the chicken.
Yes I was trying to be like you don't know what's going to happen.
So I was being a great distraction method.
You kept popping that paper bag in my ear to be like at any moment you could die.
I did those police siren noises at any moment you could get arrested at any moment you could
die.
Yeah yeah you also distraction method.
You also like tied that rubber band around my left arm so it kind of went numb to simulate
an impending heart attack.
You might have a stroke at any moment driving the road.
What are you going to do?
Fuck shit.
Your driving test should be the hardest time you will ever have to drive and if you pass
that you can drive anywhere.
Stephanie as the invigilator.
You don't even know.
You don't even know who we are what we've been through.
How hard I've worked for this.
I've been trying to learn how to drive for three weeks.
Three weeks every single day.
Every single day sometimes for six hours at a time.
Yeah.
I've pissed myself.
No.
Yeah.
Oh god this is a test car.
This is a car specifically for the test.
Was that whenever I popped the balloon in your ear?
That was whenever you tried to drown me.
Drank a lot of the water.
You might get drowned at any moment driving a car.
Stephanie I have not seen an instructor like this in my entire time as an invigilator.
Yeah well not many people know that the driving test should be the hardest driving of your
life.
Yes but as the person who is passing or failing the students.
Yeah.
I get to determine that.
I choose the routes.
I say when we're doing the emergency stop.
You're turning this into like a total wipeout style obstacle course.
No it's never supposed to be.
You're never going to find yourself in the middle of something.
Did you put the chicken on the road?
No I didn't.
Stephanie that has all the hallmarks of your strategy and I thank you for it.
I didn't put the chicken on the road.
I put a box of chickens by the side of the road.
Come what may those chickens are going to do what they want.
You know?
Did you not see like the other six that were just by the side of the road being like oh
no.
There's a lot of stuff going on here.
It's a lot like Mario Kart and I'm just trying to focus.
Listen when I tried to get a driving instructor I was like I don't want someone who's just
going to teach me how to drive.
I want someone who's going to teach me how to live.
That's why I chose Stephanie.
For three weeks you've been learning how to live and at any moment danger could come
for you.
Danger could come.
That's my slogan.
You have done a test within three weeks of starting to drive.
And have I not done?
With all of this going on.
Yes you've done amazingly well but you have killed a chicken in front of me.
Pot?
Might I point out?
If Stephanie was better at distracting me and I didn't see it and you put it down to
a pothole then maybe I wouldn't have had to put it down as a major.
Might I point out that there were six chickens by the side of the road that Sylvie did not
murder so you could have swerved to miss that one and killed six?
That is a good point.
We've been studying philosophy particularly the trolley problem.
Yes but it's hard to get people so chickens.
Oh so Stephanie your original plan was to use people.
At any moment it's more likely for you to hit a person than it is for you to hit a tree.
You know I raise the point that as we are not a trolley we can steer this thing and
we have more than two options.
I would like to think so.
But Stephanie actually completely changed my mind on that.
It's a really clever point.
The road is your track and you can only go where it warrants.
Stephanie on my other page I have been keeping a track and now this isn't formal by any means
but I have been keeping a track of your majors and minors also.
That's fine.
We're on 42 majors and I might put this into a...
Please?
I might turn this in whenever we get back to the test centre to try and revoke your
teacher's license.
Wow.
As an instructor.
That's incredible Roberta.
I might tell them what I think of you which is that you're a damn fine invigilator.
Thank you very much.
Stephanie that's...
At any moment you might receive a compliment and you have to be prepared for it.
She always does this.
She always backs down.
No.
As it stands you have failed your test.
No!
As we have discussed.
However...
All because of the chicken?
Gone again.
All because of Stephanie's actions.
However, I am willing to off the record.
Okay?
Stephanie if you forfeit your instructor's license.
No.
I will pass you.
Sorry what do I do at roundabout?
We're coming up high here fast.
Go straight through it.
Okay thanks.
At any moment...
Okay we're good.
At any moment...
Oh fuck there's two of them.
It's a fucking infinity.
Oh no.
Just keep going round.
Keep going faster and faster until you get your car.
At any moment you might be threatened.
At any moment you might be flagged.
Sylvia do you accept the terms?
There's a highway on the right but on the left there's a road closed and a big ramp.
What should I do?
You know what to do.
You've known inside you.
Weeeee!
Okay we've got some air time here.
We've got some time.
Are you willing to give this license before we drop to the ground?
No.
Well we tried.
I've broken both the legs.
Well it's okay because I can still use the pedals on my side so if you're still able
to steer we can get on like that.
I can hit you in your arm with this pin.
Stephanie.
Don't make me get back there.
Stephanie.
Do you need me to belt you in with the other belts?
No three was enough.
Exactly.
But all I'm saying is someone with two broken legs that looks poorly on you to go back and
say that not only do they not have a license but they have two broken legs.
Oh hold on.
Let me swivel.
Let me stick my hands down on the pedals.
We're off again.
You're gonna have to direct me.
Just keep doing what feels right to you.
Accelerator always.
Oh Sylvia.
Good.
I've taught you well.
This is a 30 zone.
Keep going.
Outside of a school so you know what that means.
Bonus points for tile death.
Listen we have lived so many lives in the last three weeks.
We did acid.
Behind the wheel?
No.
It was just in the car park.
Well that's fine.
That's okay Sylvia.
Give her the license.
Give Sylvia the license.
Give me a license.
Give me back yours.
No.
As an instructor.
I will never do that.
Actually I changed my mind.
I will do that because I don't need a license to teach.
Yeah anyone can teach.
Anyone can teach.
You're not gonna be able to put students through the driving test.
That's fine.
I'll just do it under the table or under the car.
You don't know where your next money's coming from.
You have to be prepared for anything.
Well congratulations Sylvia.
I'm delighted to say that you have passed.
I just need you both to sign these NDAs about what has happened in the car today because
otherwise I would get my invigilator license revoked.
Good.
I hope you understand.
Go straight into the wall.
Gunning it.
And I think you'll find another Polaroid with every single piece of money.
There's no way that you can disprove that it isn't mine.
There's literally every single individual, there's at least four thousand pounds in here.
There's a duffel bag of money and a duffel bag of Polaroids for every single piece of
money in there.
And all the money is labeled.
So this is my money.
I need that money.
Well I hope the landlord's gonna accept your labeled money when we have to pay for two
fucking walls being put back in.
I'm not saying I'm paying for it.
That's my money for a rainy day.
For if anyone comes for me.
That's fine.
That's why they're all labeled.
There's two defenses in this.
Hang on.
Taking a step backwards though.
You said saving it for a rainy day.
We live in Ireland.
Every day is a rainy day.
I know.
What?
Why are they pounds?
Because it's the best currency.
Okay, it was the best currency and then I really lost out really quickly.
That was a bit short-sighted, wasn't it?
It was.
Guys, I'm in a lot of trouble.
Oh, now we're getting to it.
Why are you in trouble?
Russian mob.
I knew it.
God damn it.
I knew I wasn't crazy.
I knew I could smell money in the walls.
Look, okay, I found the duffel bag and then it turned out it was the Russian mob's money
and I thought, hey, if I take a photo of me and label every single one of them.
It couldn't be the Russian mob's money because you've labeled it and taken all those photos.
Why do they have pounds?
And if you'll see, every Polaroid has a newspaper with it.
How much money have you spent on film?
I'll say I had more money at the start.
And newspapers?
I've been using them as insulation.
The house has been very warm.
The landlord's going to hate us.
We've been nothing but good tenants.
We cover up any hole we make.
With a poster.
You know, you two still have posters in your room.
I've seen those, you know.
Yeah, so what?
Everyone's got posters.
There's no one behind my poster.
I'm going to go climb around Gary's room.
Yeah.
There's no need to do that.
We're focused on one thing right now.
Four months ago we did order rock chiseling equipment.
Yeah, but I've got an actual interest in rocks and minerals.
Guys, you're never going to believe this.
Those two duffel bags full of cash by Gary's room.
You're never going to believe this.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are they labeled?
He's written on all the bookshoppies.
Don't, don't.
He's written on all the bookshoppies.
Don't read it.
He's signed every single one.
Don't read them.
And they all have an individual poem written on each note as well.
Look, I thought it would legitimize my claim to the money.
I found two duffel bags of money.
From who?
I don't know who owns it.
Are they pounds?
No, it's dollars.
Dollars, yeah.
Dollars.
Oh.
Well, I can't be the Russian mob at least.
We know that much.
Because I knew it was the Russian mob because they started knocking on doors.
Very polite people though, so.
They were just asking for duffel bags.
Well, funny when I was walking past your room earlier this week and I thought your big massive
Ted Danson poster, you know, it looked almost 3D.
Almost like it was moving.
Yeah.
I thought, I didn't think you'd ever find out.
Oh God.
Who's that?
I really hope this is a baby at the door.
Hello.
Spasiba.
Hello.
I am here for money.
So we need, we need more cones.
More.
That's what I'm telling you.
Right.
You can't learn these bikes if you don't know the cones.
Okay, the bigger cones.
The big cones.
The biggest.
Now you kids listen to me.
I'm Bikey Daren.
And I'm going to tell you what's what.
Hi Bikey Daren.
Thank you for using my full title.
I refuse being called a child.
I just regressed a little bit earlier.
Look, what I'm telling you is now is the key to cycling success.
This is how you never get caught by no cops.
If you decide to stay in the pavement your whole life.
Cones.
Do the cops not have cars?
They do.
But sure, a car can't get on the pavement.
And if you stay up there, you're safe.
Bikey Daren, if I put a little card on the spokes of my wheels and it goes across the
thing on the back of the wheels and my car sounds like a motorbike, is that okay?
I'll tell you what that says.
It's fucking cool.
Yeah.
You, you went to the top of the class.
Oh my god, does that mean I don't have stabilizers anymore?
No, but you're going to keep them until I know you're not going to hurt your little
noggin.
Okay, sorry.
Bikey Daren.
Bikey Daren, can I put knives on my spokes?
That's especially good whenever the police come for you.
Yeah, unless no one can get too close and burn my rubber.
Yeah, so if you're in another competition, you say you're in a street race and there's
someone coming up too close to you, the knives will cut through his little fucking stupid
baseball cards.
That's just what I was thinking about.
Bikey Daren, because I'm more senior than these ones, is it okay if I attach a gun
to my bike?
Look, I'm going to tell you what I told the last person who wanted to put a gun in their
bike.
Just hold it in your hand.
Yeah, but I went for the one that doesn't have a little bell.
Oh, well then.
Jesus.
I put it in the handlebars.
I have space for it.
If you, why would you let them know you're coming with a little bell when you could shoot
them in the back?
That's clever.
You're the new favourite.
Bikey Daren, can I have a horn instead of a bell, but like a truck horn?
Oh, so you have to pull on it and go honk, honk like a duck?
Errrr, errrr.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
That's what you're thinking.
Jesus.
You're my new favourite.
No one will think I'm a wee bike.
No one will think you're a big truck.
No police will come after a big truck.
Bikey Daren, can I get my car driver's licence?
Do you have that gun?
And have a real car instead so I can drive around in a real car and drive on the pavements
and maybe...
You dirty cunt!
Back to Dumbraken is created, produced and edited by Connalth Macbeth.
For more information and podcasts, you can follow us at DumbrakenPod on Instagram.
This episode featured Laura Conlon, Cairnsands, Eddie Goodwin, Rachel Coulter, Niall McKenna,
Adam Crossan, David McCauley and Kate Thompson.
The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon and you can check out his
entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening.
We look forward to welcoming you back to Dumbraken very soon.