There's a fly in here. I can't smell it, but I can hear it.
You can't smell it?
I can't smell it, no.
None of us can smell flies.
Okay, good. That's good.
When have we- there would have to be an enormous quantity of flies for us to be able to smell them.
Well, now I'm thinking that I usually was able to smell-
Really?
Whenever a fly was around, but now I'm wondering if I was just smelling other things that was attracting the fly.
Okay, hold on. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Cover your ears.
Alright. No, sorry. Let me be on cover of your ears. I should finish giving instructions first.
Okay, yeah, I was confused.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, so I'm gonna open the window and I want you to signal me whenever you think the fly is left, okay?
Okay.
Now cover your ears again.
Done.
Alright.
It's out.
I think I smell it.
Do you have a security system on your windows?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
I broke through the ears.
Yeah, I didn't think it was that sensitive that it would pick up a fly.
That's incredible.
It is- I paid a lot for it.
Yeah, so you don't need to smell, I guess, when you've got that much sensitivity.
Well, I've woken up in a panic very frequently in the middle of the night when the alarm went off and I thought it wasn't working correctly, but it might have just been books.
Really? You've never had it stop a burglar?
Well, it doesn't. It just alerts me to the presence.
But it might scare them.
It doesn't scare the flies, but it would scare a grown man.
That's fair enough, yeah.
It didn't scare you?
No, no it didn't. But I'm- oh, a grown man.
Yeah.
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
My neighbor ate my dog.
I can't prove it. He says it ran away.
I don't believe him.
I think he ate my dog.
He said he has video evidence from his ring doorbell of him shouting at my dog for pooping on his lawn.
He said that after he shouted at my dog for pooping on his lawn, that it bolted.
My dog doesn't poop and bolt. My dog's proud of its poops.
It stands there like a king surveying all that it owns.
I say that only proves that he was angry at my dog. It proves motive for eating my dog.
I asked to see his video of my dog pooping on his lawn, but he said the video got corrupted.
He said he showed it to his wife and when moving it onto a USB stick the file type corrupted and he lost all his ring doorbell video footage.
He said he lost a case against Amazon because of my dog pooping on his lawn.
The delivery driver kicked a fragile package through the letter box, smashing a figurine that was supposed to be my wife's birthday present.
Now my neighbor doesn't have the video evidence he needed to take Amazon down.
I say that's awfully convenient. First he eats my dog and then he uses that to get out of giving my wife a birthday present.
She made them two types of cake last year for his birthday. He's not even allergic to buttercream.
He just doesn't like it. And she went out of her way to make him two different types of cake because she was worried that he wouldn't enjoy the buttercream alternative she had made up.
And it was delicious. She's a delightful woman and how does he repay her? He ate her dog.
She doesn't believe me of course. Nobody does.
He asked me, just last week he asked me what I think dog tasted like.
I said I don't know what dog tasted like and I don't want to find out what dog tastes like.
What? You wouldn't taste dog if someone put dog in front of you? He asked.
No. I mean I'd probably eat it if I didn't know.
And then at that point maybe I'd develop a taste for it. Maybe it is really nice but I don't want to find out.
I don't want to know.
He said he would. He said he would be too curious not to try. And besides the dog's already dead.
If he didn't eat the dead dog then it would go to waste and it would truly be a tragedy.
I think he ate my dog.
I'm gonna eat his dog.
Hey, you like to have fun. You like to party. You like to sing.
But you know what you like above all? To follow the law.
Here at Ryan's Public Domain Karaoke you can sing to your heart's content while still respecting copyright law.
National anthems. Public domain music.
You like old rock timey songs? We do too. Because they're free.
And you know what? You're creative. You don't have to follow the lyrics.
A lot of mobile ringtones. But public domain. And you can just make your own words up to them.
You know what? If you want to hear something how about this?
And so I learned to have so much fun while recording my radio ad.
So coming down to Ryan's Public Domain Karaoke.
Where we put the fun in...punnelling the law.
So I've introduced 50 hermit crabs to this beach.
They're gonna go along and they are going to find homes in all the trash.
And then hopefully once they're done with the home, bring it over to this bin.
Oh so we're not cleaning up the beach?
No. The beach is cleaning up itself.
Wow. That's ecology.
Is our job to get the hermit crabs horny and create more of them?
It's to train the crabs to use the bin.
To train the crabs.
Because at the moment the crabs use the trash as their home.
But what they're not doing is when they need a larger home, they're not bringing it to the bin.
So your job is to communicate with the crabs and tell them our intentions for this ecology.
And to use mix of bins that's been provided.
Not to make the crabs horny.
Well my thinking was that if we have more hermit crabs, then there's more trash being...
The more hermit crabs are, the quicker the clean up goes.
How would you arise a crab just out of interest?
Well first off I'd get a big lobster.
I'd put it in a tank and they're like whoa, that's huge.
Then I'd start heating up the tank.
Not enough to kill the lobster, just enough for it to get comfortable.
For it to get a little bit salacious.
Right.
Okay. It probably starts... It probably gets out of its shell.
And suddenly, oh it's a naked little lobster.
How exotic.
The hermit crabs can't reach that, but they're both turned on.
So they're like well, guess so.
I don't know if they fuck.
Are you wanting to create pornography for hermit crabs?
Cross species pornography?
No. I'd say, I don't know that it's cross species.
I think lobsters and crabs are in the same...
I mean I understand that...
Look, you asked the question as to how... I didn't want to get into it.
Well you brought it up. I know we're all volunteers, but like, you know...
Alright, so we're just meant to be communicating with these crabs, not arousing them.
And what?
The universal language.
Every species understands getting horny. That's all I'm saying.
Look, we don't have to go... We didn't have to go down this vein.
I just thought that's what you're meaning.
Well is it pornography? If it's not recorded, is it still pornography?
That's just... What you're doing is like a peep show.
Unless we're... Are we filming it, then showing it to the crabs?
We could take a picture and make it a magazine.
It'll last longer.
I don't mind if we do go down this route, but when the hermit crabs undress,
they do have to do it in the bin. And really that's the key part that we're missing here.
It has to be in the bin.
Because currently it's just...
All over the place.
They're just leaving it around.
So they're littering?
Yeah.
So there's 50 hermit crabs, you've got none in the tank cement, so we have to go and find each individual hermit crab.
Well the hermit crabs are within the litter as appropriate.
Oh, right. Yes, I get you.
They live... Their house is litter.
So we just have to find a litter that probably looks like it could house a hermit crab, check that,
and then have an individual talk with 50 different hermit crabs about what we expect of them.
I mean, I didn't say it has to be an individual talk. It could be...
So we could gala them all up?
A group talk, if that works better.
Similar to the lobster scenario, just get a lot of them together at once.
Yeah, because I suppose if we accidentally give the same hermit crab a talk, that's just doubling our efforts and wasting our time.
So maybe, yeah, we'll collect them all up.
But then is that displacing them from their homes potentially? I don't know if that's a good idea.
Don't yank them out of their homes. You have to lift the litter as well.
What would you say is the most common sort of trash that you find they go towards?
It's the ones that we need, because I assume a crisp packet isn't going to do it.
It's not just... It's common. It's based on size.
They find the piece of litter that's the specific size they are, and they move between them.
So one hermit crab that can start in a crisp packet may move up to a can of 7-up sugar-free.
Makes sense.
And is like flavor an issue?
Yes, sugar-free was what struck me there too. Could it be, would they go for a sugared one?
Would that help them grow faster?
We've not seen any in a sugared drink.
But is that more a condition of what's available to them as well?
It could be that the healthy nature of people at the beach?
Maybe we should do a study on that first before...
Is this before getting them horned up?
I'm not sure that comes into it at all.
Okay, so we're moving on from that point.
I'm a bit worrying.
Oh, no, you brought it up. I was... It was the first thing in my head. If I had more time...
Yeah, no surprise there.
If I had more time, I might think of a different way to get them.
I'm not saying the lobster is...
Really the important thing is that they get this litter into the bin.
Yes, of course.
We've forgotten that that's... that is why we've volunteered here.
Is there any way we can make them horny for that?
For the bin?
Yeah.
I mean, I have an idea. We put a small bin in an aquarium.
Right.
We heat up that tank. What's this?
The bin takes off its lid, which is like their home.
They're like, oh, this bin lid goes into a larger bin.
I'm horny, but also I want to do my good community service and put this stuff in the bin.
These are all criminal crabs. That's right, isn't it? I forgot about that.
Yeah, it's part of the rehabilitation program.
These are all ex-convict crabs in community service.
Why there's only 50 of them I suppose? Yeah, because you used to have 120 before the massive brawl.
Yeah. Well, these are the crabs that were left after they killed the other crabs.
And that's what they're being rehabilitated from.
Which makes sense. These are all the largest crabs.
What if we put some shells, just throw some shells down?
Well, if they live in the shells, they're not going to bring the litter to the bins.
As soon as I heard it come out of my mouth, it was like, oh, the trash will be left.
If anything, we need to individually go round and pick up all the beach material that isn't litter.
Yeah.
You actually need to deny them appropriate housing.
Yeah. So if you can go round and pick up shells, pick up bits of rock, pick up all the normal beach stuff,
there is a bit more of that than the litter. But if we can get rid of all of that.
So basically we're getting these criminal crabs to live in rubbish while denying them proper housing.
We've provided them with housing. It's what we would call trash, but you know, probably fine for them.
Better than they deserve, I guess.
Probably. This is the rehabilitation process. But in order to pass, really, they need to get their homes, the litter, into the bins.
How many tons does each individual crab need to move to be rehabilitated?
It's four kilograms per crab.
Wow. Going to take a while. This will go a lot faster with more crabs.
Yeah. Let's get these enshorned up.
This year's pet communism takes place on June 4th at the park.
Everyone in town with a pet is required to come to the park at 11am sharp with their pet.
As we all are now aware, since this is the 17th year that this has been on,
pets will then be lined up along the football field with owners at the halfway line.
All animals must then walk through the park.
With owners at the halfway line. All animals must then walk towards the humans to be claimed.
Any pet that walks up to any human is now that human's pet.
If a pet decides to walk anywhere else that isn't towards the halfway mark, then that pet will become the town's pet,
in which the first person to locate that pet after the customary 24 hours grace period will be allowed to keep that pet for the year.
If Jilly the Turtle, who is currently owned by the O'Connor family,
walks to the halfway line of the pitch before that 24 hour period is up,
then that grace period is over and that pet can be claimed on site at any moment.
Much like every year, there will be harsh penalties for anyone who refuses to give over their pet or not arrive with their pet.
Everyone knows who you are and there are some sought after pets who will be found.
No one is safe. No pet is exempt. The mayor refuses to take part.
His cat is his cat. He is threatened legal action and worse than that, he is threatened physical action on anyone who dare take his cat.
Mr. Stuffington.
Hello everyone.
Hey, what the hell?
As you know, we are gathered here today to celebrate a true hero, Dusty the Dog.
What?
Dusty here saved three children in a fire on Castle Street.
Dusty?
As the owner of the hostel next door, left the stove on while trying to light a cigar and tragically
Hey, let me through.
Dusty.
Unfortunately, our volunteer firefighters were too weak to break down the door.
Dusty.
And with the rest of the paid firefighters off in a team bonding retreat to try and come to terms with what happened at the time fair,
our only available paid fireman got a microin from watching Only Can Act Again and had to go home.
That's my dog.
Now, these three sad war children live alone.
That's my dog.
Mr. O'Dowd, currently taking part in the Dunbracken Deep Sea Adventure.
That's my dog.
Which you'll remember as a town's latest big project where we're hoping to put Dunbracken on the map.
That's my dog.
Creating a submersible capable of finding both the Titanic and the Titan submarine which went missing in 2026.
Hey, let me through.
Stop holding me.
Let me, let me through.
That's my dog.
New dogs were chosen from the random ballot which included all touch-spoke, even the mayor.
Don't you tell me to calm down.
You calm down.
That's my dog.
While the Dunbracken Deep Sea Adventure gathered the necessary funds that we didn't realize
were required for submarine and in preparation for their journey into the deep sea, the O'Dowds
have been living in the abandoned salt mines for the past three months to get used to life under the sea.
That's my dog.
And it is with heavy heart that we must admit that we lost contact with the O'Dowds almost
immediately upon entering the mines.
And whilst the town has stayed steadfast in its desire to find the Titanic and the Titan,
we see this dog as a sign from the universe telling us that it is perhaps at least time
to give up on ever finding our two enchantment explorers.
He's not theirs.
They can have him.
But never fear children.
Just because your parents were lost to the depth of the salt mine doesn't mean you will
forever be alone.
The Dunbracken Town Council have decided that this dog, who valiantly rushed into the burning
hole and dragged not only the three screaming children, but two of our volunteer firefighters
this dog is now the state appointed guardian of these children.
He's not yours to do as what you like.
He's mine.
He's my dog.
Dusty.
Not only that, but he will also be given a good job on the council and earn an impressive
wage in order to look after three growing children.
Oh, I'm going to have to apologize to my neighbor.
I accused him of eating my dog.
That's my boy.
Give me my boy.
Which dog is yours?
Can you be more specific?
Get away from me, you weirdo.
Could you be more specific?
Now, children, we know this may be a hard transition for you.
But think of it like this.
If you would like to honor your parents and join the efforts to find the Titanic, we will
be holding another time-wide ballot where even children will now be included.
So you could be chosen for the submersible that we were so very close to being able to
afford and write your names in the history books forever.
You're welcome.
I'm going to be the one to do it.
Oh, that seems like a good deal for him.
This place does look a little bit classier than I didn't really notice it for a while.
But there was a point where you enter like a threshold where it looks a little bit more interesting.
You most certainly crossed the threshold beyond which reality phase and illusion shimmers.
And I was just wondering from a ethical standpoint, what do you do?
Is it landfill? Like, is it assetfully recycled?
Is it, you know, consideration for the environment?
Are you going to take a metal out of this mattress?
And I had a general point of wondering, where are you?
What precocious children.
The first question I will answer with another question.
Oh, no.
Is it not more ethical to show mankind its dirty, dirty habits?
That's why by cover of night, I disguise myself as a wheelie bin.
I roll down the streets and alleys.
I deposit the trash in the homes of young children.
I'm what they call Gracie Santa.
Oh, the second question you asked was, where am I?
Yeah.
Well, look down at the floor.
Do you see that disgusting pile of trash?
Yes, I see.
Move the can of perfectly recyclable aluminium.
That's right. I'm in the ground.
I just see an eye.
Do you want, would you like me to step off you?
Well, I am at once in the floor and the ceiling and in the walls.
Christopher, Gracie Santa, cannot be, cannot be summarized in a corporeal form.
Oh, so you're everywhere.
Everywhere there is trash. I am.
I am in your bins. I am in your pockets.
I'm in the homes of your loved ones.
I am deep in the ground alongside Roman coins.
I'm older than time and longer than grass.
Gracie Santa, will you take a mattress?
Gracie Santa will take your mattress.
I've heard of Gracie Santa.
Really? Yeah.
I've heard of you.
If we give him Michael, if we can.
Oh, that's right.
I know. Yes.
Well, that's good. At least he doesn't know who I am.
He knows who you are.
I have no fucking clue who you are.
I've been trying to place you for the last five minutes.
I get that a lot.
It's been ogling my mind. But Michael.
She is one of those faces just like you've seen it before, but you can't quite.
I work in a cafe. I don't know if you've ever been in a cafe.
Oh, I'm in cafes all the time.
I work in a cafe.
You see, the reason I can't place you is because you have not drawn my ire.
For you make contributions to Gracie Santa
by littering frequently.
And I thank you.
I heard the tale that if you accidentally put
something into a bin that is, in fact, Gracie Santa, he will take
what you love most.
So I've just been hoping against hope.
So I could put all my stuff into bins, hoping that one day meets you,
because I need to know what I love most.
That's sad, bro.
That's that's really sad, bro.
I know, I know, but I can't believe I finally met you.
I have a slightly off topic question.
Are you related to normal Santa or is it just like a name?
I'm engaged in a rights battle with regular Santa.
Oh, wow.
I mean, not regular Santa, because I would imply he was first.
That's fair. You are longer than grass.
So longer than grass.
It's like how people refer to regular coke, but everyone prefers diet coke.
That's not true. Regular coke.
But diet coke is the people's favorite.
I don't think that's true.
Gracie Santa is the diet coke of trash deities.
You're an inverted color scheme. Yes.
Could you could you put something in my mouth
and then I can tell you what you love most?
OK, I've got to I've got to take off this rosary beads.
Michael, I think you're supposed to litter it.
Yeah, I know, but he directly told me to put it in his mouth.
Oh, the myth, the myth you've heard is true.
If you put something in me that is in fact.
Oh, yeah, I could just never find your bin.
Yes. Yes.
But now if we're in your lair, is all of it you're going to put in your bin?
Saffy child, saffy child.
Yes, toss it wherever.
Ah, yes.
Did that was that good?
I see you, Michael.
I see the contours and the shades of your being.
I see the things you have dropped, the things you have mislaid,
the things you have refused.
That is refused.
Yes, very good.
And I see the thing you love most, the thing you love most.
The thing you love most.
What is it?
Oh, day trips with your friend.
Oh, so it's more of a thing.
It's more of a corporeal thing.
No, no, that's not right.
It's more of a abstract thing.
Abstract thing.
But it's corporeal in the sense that I can take it away from you
by trapping you in my lair.
But if you trap both of us here, isn't every day like a day trip with my friend?
Do you want that?
Do I want to be trapped here?
I mean, do you want a day trip?
I feel like this is your riddle three.
What Michael, what do you want me to say?
I'd rather not be trapped here alone, to be fair.
But if I feel like you're going to be able to leave if...
I think I'll leave Santa.
Don't do that.
Yes, you can leave.
No.
Thanks Santa.
Please call me Greasy Santa.
Thanks, Greasy Santa.
Do you want anything?
Do you have any litter requests before I go?
Burger King, please.
Any particular order or just the paper?
I'll throw in a few prawns.
Cheeseburger.
Okay.
Bye Michael.
Do you want anything Michael?
Oh.
It's not... I mean you are imprisoned, but it's not...
It's not... It's going to be a good time.
I want one thing to ask you a question.
Okay.
Greasy Santa.
So nothing from Burger King?
Nothing from Burger King, no.
I was wondering, do you need a friend?
Would you like to do a day trip with a friend?
Greasy Santa, I'll live with you.
You've really helped me out.
He's great at all, but you're on his course, you know.
Maybe we can do day trips together.
All you have to do is allow me to leave when you leave.
That sounds nice.
Yay.
Two bins in the night.
You're not part of my myth.
Aww.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Connoth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast, you can follow us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Marcus Keighley, Niall McKenna and Arn Marshall.
The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening.
We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.