Thank you for calling the Luxurious Rain Line.
Here we can tell you about individual rain, the different types of rain, where rain will
occur next, what quantities, and which qualities.
What would you like to know?
Hello?
Hello.
I am trying to water my plants in my garden.
Beautiful.
My hose isn't working and I can't access my phone right now.
So I was wondering, you know, the wifi on my phone.
I understood.
It was implicit.
And then I was ringing you.
But my phone was working.
Yes, I know Joseph.
I'm ringing you.
I know you're well.
You want to know when it's raining next and if you can get away with not fixing your
hose.
Yes.
Is that what you want to know?
Yes.
That was my...
Joe!
Have you found out when it's got a fucking rain yet?
Not yet, Tim.
Not yet.
Oh, come on.
Hurry up.
Sorry.
They're wilting.
Sorry.
Okay.
So I'm under time pressure.
Who am I speaking to today?
You're speaking to Carol.
Oh, Carol.
How are you?
How are the children?
They're very well.
Thank you for asking.
Good.
So I'm assuming you're still living with Timothy?
Yes.
Me and Tim, we've started, we've started pumping tomatoes.
Oh, beautiful.
This week.
Because the cucumbers all died.
Well, cucumbers require a great deal of rain.
I assured you there would not be sufficient amount of rain.
It would be excellent quality, but it would be sparse.
And you two a tea, you were completely correct.
So whoever, wherever you get your sources from, good job.
Well, I mean, this is a premium line for a reason.
So for tomatoes, the tomatoes are wilting.
So are we in any danger?
Well, they're fucked.
Come on with the rain.
Can you bring some rain?
Now, as I have explained, I do not control the rain.
I mean, I predict it with a hundred percent accuracy.
But how do you get it?
Because you say it and then it happens.
Because Timothy's really lying still about the tomatoes.
The tomatoes will be fine.
There will be a downpour very shortly from now.
She says the tomatoes will be fine.
But when's it going to fucking rain?
Very soon.
Three minutes and 42 seconds.
Three minutes and 42 seconds, she says.
Do you think they have enough time?
It'll be tight.
Could you bring it any sooner?
Again, I do not control it.
But why don't you tell me what is the color of the tomato sleeves?
Tim, what is the color of the tomato sleeves?
What?
What's the color of the tomato sleeves, Tim?
Well, they're like a general green.
Do you need it that specifically?
We'll find out.
They're a general green.
Is it a luscious green or like a brownish green?
It's a general green.
He's not great with colors.
What?
I'm just saying you're not great with colors.
I said it was fucking green.
I know.
Yeah, that's why.
Yeah, it's just green, Sandra.
Well, if it's green, you'll be fine.
They can last another eight-ish minutes.
She says we've got about eight minutes, but the rain's coming in about three minutes and
20 seconds now.
Well, sure, it was fucking three minutes about a minute ago.
What's she all about?
No, well, I just, sorry.
It's two minutes and 26 seconds.
I just made up the time there.
Sorry, Tim.
We're going to be okay.
We're six minutes to the clear.
Six minutes till the rain?
No, it's two minutes and 20 seconds till the rain.
There's a five-minute buffer.
There's a five-minute buffer?
What does that mean?
What?
It means the tomatoes can last for five minutes even without the rain.
What are you saying there?
Did you say five minutes?
Who the fuck can get the story straight here?
These tomatoes.
We've got two.
I could have nothing from a salad.
You're going to have your salad.
The tomatoes are going to be fine.
The tomatoes make the fucking salad.
I know they make the salad.
We have a five-minute buffer.
It's five minutes and she said it in a nice lilting tone, so it must be okay.
I feel very stressed.
I'm very stressed too.
Would you like some relaxing rain sounds to calm you down?
No, because then we'll think it's raining and we'll go inside and we'll be fine.
I'm not going to be fine.
No she just talked about sounds of rain.
I can't hear anything.
I know you can.
I can't feel it.
I can't see it.
I can't taste it.
I know.
I know you can.
I'm going to eat these tomatoes now.
Fuck it.
No.
They're not ready Tim.
Oh I'm going in.
Don't... stop throwing your leaves on the ground.
Ah.
They're not good.
Sandra what are we doing here?
Tell him to just wait, it's only another minute on the dot.
It's too late, he's choking on them Sandra.
I have to get these down before they go bad.
Get the lettuce, get the iceberg, I'm fucking having the salad now.
Well, if he's outside you may want to get him an umbrella, it will rain very shortly.
I'm getting an umbrella now and I'll get you the lettuce.
I need greenery now.
I'm glad to hear the lettuce grew well.
Oh, it was great, yeah, you really nailed that one.
Welcome.
Welcome, Back to Dunbracken.
So it's forgive me father for I have sinned.
Forgive me father for I have sinned.
Amen.
No, not quite yet.
It has forgive me father.
I'm sorry, it's just been, it's been very, very long.
How long?
Because that's the next part.
It has been X amount of time since my last confession.
Do I do the whole thing again?
No, we can skip the first bit.
Okay.
God heard it.
God's on your side.
Okay, that's good to hear already.
Will he still be on my side after I admit?
Whatever's eating you up inside, he's going to take it from you.
He's going to make it his own problem.
How precise do I need to be?
Because I've got it in my calendar.
I can be, I can honestly, you can give it a, an approximation like, I don't know, six
months, 12 months.
Oh, it's been longer than that.
Really?
It's been, you know, I'm just going to, I'm just going to check my calendar real quick.
God is thankful to have you back.
You know, that's the main thing.
Oh, he's welcome.
Okay.
Yeah.
It has been six years since my last confession.
Amen.
That's okay.
That's good.
Every, everybody loses their way in life a little.
People don't go to the dentist for six years, sometimes longer.
I will say I hadn't sinned for many of those years.
That's great.
So what would you like to, what sins are you bringing to God today?
Do I just see past sins or current sins as well?
Like since I'm still participating in?
I guess we'll start with past and then move to present.
Okay.
I, I asked my parents for money for my kids at university, but I've spent it all.
I know.
Oh, I was going to say, I don't think that's a sin, but then you finished.
Uh, I guess that is the sin of lying.
Oh amen.
Great job.
Uh, well, it wasn't a prayer, but you're in the right spirit.
So I just think that's, I just thought that's how you communicate with God.
Hey, you don't know.
Anytime you say amen, he perks up his signal.
Okay.
I'm not going to say it unnecessarily.
So you've committed the sin of lying and not only lying, but lying to the people who raised
you, the people that's okay.
Okay.
So God's the only way to put the lying, but the money parts fine.
If I'd been truthful and done the same acts, I'd be scutch free.
I mean, God doesn't deal in money.
So does he not?
No, he doesn't.
Whatever you do with your money is your own gain.
So what is now I can't undo the line and they found out they find out.
Yes.
Did they tell you to come here or is this of your own volition?
No, that's because of my current sin.
We can get to that whenever we get to that.
Well, you know what?
I'm going to tell you for Hail Mary's and you're a okay with God.
Okay.
Do I just Google those or yes, you can Google them.
Okay.
Do I need any equipment?
If you have a pair of rosaries, maybe you could steal that off your parents because
that seems to be a common thing for you.
Okay.
It's very judgmental.
God's a judgy man.
I mean, that was you.
I am a vestibule of God for Hail Mary's is all you got to do.
Okay.
It was 32,000 pounds.
All right, we'll bump it to six and we'll call it even.
You know what?
I'll take it.
That seems like a good deal.
Yeah, that's about 4,000 for Hail Mary.
That's bad math, but that's fine.
I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, I guess.
Dunbracken welcomed its new mayor at a ceremony at the town hall this week.
Most residents may not be aware that an election took place last week or that Dunbracken had
ever previously had a mayor, but mayor Anders assures us that the election did indeed take
place and that we do and always have had a town mayor.
Mayor Anders is currently testing the town's water supply for hallucinogens to work out
how this shared delusion amongst everyone has occurred.
Anyone who does not remember any previous mayors should go to their GP immediately as
they may be of danger of suffering from early onset dementia.
Police have been instructed to arrest anyone who claims that Dunbracken has never had a
mayor.
How much for this old alarm clock?
What does it say at the minute?
14 minutes.
Okay, it's 14 pounds.
Okay, I'm going to wait 13 more minutes.
Why would you do that, sir?
Well, the price seems to be tied to the minutes.
No, I only said 14 once, it just happened to coincide with the...
Okay, so a minute from now it's not going to be 13.
It's not going to be 13.
Do you see a price tag on this alarm clock, sir?
No, no, I mean, this is negotiating.
First of all, you lost because you named the price first.
I don't think that's how you won loot.
This is a garage sale.
I'm just trying to make money so that my son can get back into college.
Back?
Did he drop out?
No, he didn't drop out, but he did get into a tussle with a security guard and now I have
to pay a hefty fine so that he's allowed to, first off, allowed back in the premises to
collect his things.
Okay, it sounds desperate.
How much for this clock now?
13, but I did hear...
I'm just going to wait here and then...
I'll take it.
Oh, oh, we have a bid.
Oh, how much?
How much for?
How much?
Just wait.
The price keeps going down.
Price is 13.
Yeah, but I'm going to buy it now if you're going to wait.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll sell to you right now for 12.
Oh, okay, I'm happy with that.
Yeah, okay, so...
Now hold on.
You snooze, you lose.
Okay, are you putting in an offer or are you just stalling?
Sorry, I'm just cutting my throat.
How's your son doing now?
You know, it's a struggle.
I mean, you can see him up there in the window up there.
You see that little kid looking...
He's very little.
Is he too young for college?
Could that be why he's struggling?
No, just because he's a small boy doesn't mean that he's too young for college.
No, you call him a boy.
Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry to interrupt.
These VHSs, they're not labelled.
Oh, I'll take them.
No.
Oh, you want one?
Yeah.
No, I was trying to find out...
I was trying to find out what's on there.
Those are actually...
That is my wedding.
That's a recording of my wedding.
This is like 25 tapes.
Yeah, it's the whole day.
Does it have the tab taken off?
I'd probably want to record over that.
You're gonna record over my wedding?
Yeah, there's like a good monster truck show on.
A seal hasn't taken place yet, sir.
That's true.
This is just an initial query.
Oh, so you did that to that guy over there as well.
Are you...
Sorry, yeah, he's gonna buy the alarm clock.
Are you still interested, sir?
What's yours, sir?
It's 10.
It says 8.
Okay, fine, yeah, you got me, it's 8.
I would have paid the original price from just a couple minutes ago.
Well, I wish I could sell it to you for the original price, but as you can see, it says
8, so I really need to get this rid of it.
Well, okay, I can respect someone who is a lot better at buying than me, but I will
take those VHSs.
No.
Okay, just the wedding one.
All 25 of them are my wedding.
It was the full day.
I don't...
Why can't you understand that?
Me and Martha had a wonderful 25 hours.
Was it a spectacular wedding?
What was the want to document all of it?
What do you mean what was the want to document all of one wedding?
Probably people do the best bits.
Everything was the best bit of that wonderful wedding.
Who's ever enjoyed an entire wedding day?
Hey, son, stop it.
Stop crying just because I'm talking about your mother.
Stop it.
Oh, oh, yeah, why are you getting rid of these if it was such a nice day?
It was a nice day, but look, she went to go talk to the college.
Are these faulty?
No, they're in great condition.
They're in great condition.
Are they broken in your television?
No, no, they're wonderful.
They are the best VHSs money can sell.
Hey, if you don't trust the seller, get lost.
Don't get lost.
I just want to find out a bit more about the item before I part with my money.
I do want to know more about it as well.
So there's 25 tapes.
Yeah, 25 hours.
One magical day.
25 hours?
It was so good, it spelled into one o'clock.
You started the ceremony at midnight the day before?
Not the ceremony, but I started preparing, sure.
Oh, now that I look at this clock, it does have 24 pips to it.
25, sorry.
Yeah, it's very...
It might not be working, but there's 25 of them.
So the first eight hours, admittedly, are just people sleeping.
There's coverage of everyone from the wedding party in this?
I had five different cameras going.
Fine.
Yeah, I had to catch everyone.
So it started out...
Hold on, you sucked down each of the five cameras into an RE.
Yeah, I made the best bits of the...
You're not doing five hours for...
Oh, so you do believe in best bits.
Yeah, but for five cameras, you have to cut them down a little bit.
You couldn't...
That would be, what, 125 hours?
Come on, that's too long for a wedding team.
That's 125 videos.
See, if I get all of those videos, I'm going to edit it so that it looks like people are
sleeping through your wedding.
Why would you do that?
You know that's not true.
That's not what happened.
Well...
People had a wonderful time.
They slept for the first eight hours.
If there's only one record that we can see the wedding, then...
I don't think the VHSs are for sale anymore.
Hey, no, you can't do that.
I can't do that.
It says garage sale, everything for sale.
Ask for a price.
I'm asking for a price.
By the way, do you do price matching?
Yeah, I do.
You find this exact model in Tesco and I will match it.
Yeah, I'll be back.
Okay.
The clock's ticking for you, sir.
It's six pound now.
Are these tapes also available in Tesco?
Do you want me to check when I'm there?
Hey, that would be great.
I'd really appreciate that.
No worries.
I'm going to be back real quick.
She'll be back though.
She will be back.
Yeah.
She's going to go to the college.
Okay.
And admittedly, she made things worse.
The police were called and she's spending a fortnight learning her lesson.
Oh.
But she'll be back and she'll be so proud of the work I've done to put our son through
college.
Not to ask a personal question, but are you recording that?
Everything for sale.
My personal life's for sale too.
You're writing an autobiography?
I'll do that too.
How much for your son?
Is he included?
No, he's not in the garage.
It's a stupid question.
Stop putting that sign up.
No, no, you're not in the garage.
We talked about this.
Anything in the garage.
Don't you come down here.
I just got to get him.
I got to get her back and I got to get him away.
Hey, I called my friend who works at Tesco's and apparently if they have VHS in stock,
they just give them away for free.
What?
Of the wedding?
Is that a club member's team?
Oh, they say no matter what's recorded on them.
It's like company policy.
They don't want to throw them away because it's-
I kind of want to see the wedding though.
Like why was it-
You just want to watch the-
I mean, if he does pie smashing, he has to give it away for free.
Yes.
You're going to have the 25 tips.
Can I just ask one thing?
No, you can't get it back.
Sorry, just quickly.
How much is the clock?
Three pound.
I'll be back in a moment.
Okay.
What is your current sin?
I'm currently embezzling large amounts of money from-
So it's more money?
It's just the charity asked me to look at their books and I saw an opportunity and-
To steal from a charity, sir.
Um, yeah, it is a charity.
I'll be honest.
This is a struggle for God because although he doesn't deal in money, poor broken children
do.
I didn't say it was for children.
What charity was it for?
Oh, it's for animals.
It's fine.
Oh, well then.
So I'm, so I'm, so I'm just going to do the six.
The six and then we'll top it off with four and a half our fathers.
You just say amen.
Any point during the fifth.
Okay.
Is this for the current sin then?
This is for the current sin, yeah.
Well how much money have you currently embezzled?
Oh, it's 65,000 pounds and counting.
That's it.
Okay.
So we'll actually drop that down.
That's three and a half our fathers because they're powerful because you're talking straight
to him.
You're not dealing with the middle woman of Mary.
Oh, it's a, it's a heal Mary dressed at Mary herself.
Yes.
You're talking directly to Mary, our fathers, right to the big man.
So if you wanted to convert those six heal Mary's-
Well, and now I know the monetary value of each of them.
So-
Yeah, you can work it out yourself.
Mary's still 0.4 gods.
That's not bad.
She's done well for herself.
Yeah.
Sometimes she is better at dealing with your problems.
This has been very pragmatic.
I expect it more philosophy.
That's not our realm.
My dad had an old army mine.
He showed me it.
Said I wasn't allowed to touch it though.
Didn't know if it was live or not, but it keeps it in the attic.
A mine?
A mine.
Yeah.
In the attic?
What, what do you do at Christmas?
Well, we don't put our Christmas tree up there.
We get a new one every year.
That's very wasteful.
He says that, well, the mine protects from, he calls it the specter in the attic.
He thinks if it ever takes a corporeal form, the mine will protect them.
Big if.
Yeah.
There's nothing else in there.
So you've just got a mine in the attic.
Mine in the attic is why we can't sell the house.
Where did he get it?
He said his granddad got it in World War II.
And brought it back?
He did, yeah.
He fell on it, stayed there for two days and then just eventually stood up.
Just got fed up.
You fed up?
Well, it mustn't be live then.
Oh yeah.
He said, just, just take it.
You can, you can claim back your attic.
You can have as many trees as you want up there.
But what if as soon as we take the attic, the specter does, he senses his opportunity?
I think your dad's hiding something up in the attic.
I don't know.
He goes up there a lot, but he says you can't go up there.
Because of the mine and the specter.
Yeah, but he knows where the mine's placed.
So he knows how to navigate.
But I've never went up there.
The mine and the specter.
That's pretty good for me to stay away.
I think your dad has some terrible secrets up in that attic.
He just said granda went away.
He never had a funeral for him.
Maybe your grandad is the specter.
Or the mine.
Not sure.
It's a confusing story.
It is.
Maybe I'll this weekend whenever I'm allowed back at his house.
Only spend weekends with him.
Allowed back?
I only spend weekends with him.
Whenever the court allows me to be there.
Right, right.
Then I'll test it out.
Do they know about the mine?
No.
He said in my interview, don't mention the specter, grandad or the mine.
Those are the three off topics.
And he said if you start to sweat, just say you miss your dad very much.
They didn't buy that though, because he was going for full custody.
He said something shifty was up, so they gave him two days.
Yeah.
If someone's sad, they tend to cry, which is like sweating from the eyes, I guess.
That's good, yeah.
Do you find that works with your parents?
Well, yeah.
Whenever I want something, I just sweat at them.
I lock myself in my bedroom and just sweat really loudly.
They don't like nervous children.
Anyone claiming that the mayor's office is just the condemned school gym that burned
down four years ago and that he has been silently building his office using stolen supplies
from the school is grossly mistaken and will be arrested for suspected treason.
Anyone caught tampering with the sign in front of what looks like the old burned down school
hall but is in fact the not burned down mayor's office will be brought in front of the mayor
for a punishment of his choosing.
If the sign falls down, the last person to walk by it will be brought in front of the
mayor.
If the mayor himself knocks down the sign during one of his daily scream walks, then
he will sue his assistant for not being able to stop him in time.
Now should I wait till I finish embezzling or is it fine to do it?
Honestly, if you want to get a head start on the praying, you can do a few and then
every time you embezzle, pray a little to God, maybe stop the embezzling.
But if you're going to continue doing it, then I think you could come back here.
We'll get you a retainer, not in monetary value in prayers.
No, I'm putting a monetary value to that.
That's good.
That's true.
Yeah.
So you just keep doing the prayers and God will.
You're almost certainly going to hell.
No, hold on.
That's why I'm here.
I want to avoid that part.
Well, I think you need to stop doing the things because the thing is that you've realized
that they're sins.
I'm just hiding from my parents in here.
You're not actually sorry.
Well, I just.
If you're not sorry, we're going to have to break in the creed of Jesus Christ.
I mean, I just thought you say those things and.
No, no, no.
I'm also just killing time.
So the creed of Jesus Christ is going to be honest, a lot longer than the other two, but
more powerful because you're talking to the boy who resurrected himself.
Now could I ask one of the interns to do it for me?
So if the interns are doing it for you, it's not as powerful.
You're still getting a little bit.
But if you were to say, get 14 interns and they all do it once, that's as good as you
doing it once.
We don't have that many interns.
You heard how little I'm in Bethlehem.
Yeah, only two and a half.
Heal Mary's worth.
So.
But OK, I want to avoid hell.
OK, that's really why.
Well, I want to avoid hell and my parents.
That's why I'm here.
Well, what are their sins?
Because maybe if they're very good people, maybe hell is the place for you.
I see what you're saying.
You want me to trick God into thinking I'm my father.
That was not what I was saying.
I was saying.
I get it.
He's going to heaven.
I'm going to hell if we swap places.
I'm going.
I'm not in the.
I'm not usually advocating for tricking our father, but if you want to, that's on you.
I think it will be difficult.
Are you named the same?
I mean, I can change his name.
I think it's too late because you've both been baptized.
He witnessed both your baptisms.
Oh, I haven't been baptized.
Oh, hold on.
Can I get it?
Is that how I get rid of my sin?
This is a loophole here.
You know what?
Technically that does wash you anew.
So great.
I guess that if you were baptized, now you become a new person.
You're a little baby in the eyes of God's and your actions.
It's like an 18 year old being scrubbed clean.
Great.
Okay.
Well, once I've scrubbed the charity clean, I'll come here and we'll get this on our way.
Great.
Yeah.
So dirty the tip.
Just say, just say the prayers, I think.
Okay, great.
And I'll Google those.
That's great.
Wonderful.
Thank you.
All right.
Thank you.
This has been great.
And I'm into you, Father.
Another soul saved.
You did it, Father.
You really did.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conneth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter, you can follow
us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram.
The opening and closing themes, you know, the music you can hear right now.
Well, that incredible music is made by Connor Mallon and you can check out his entire album
Unearthed on Spotify right now.
The additional voices you heard this episode were Patrick Meyer, Marcus Keighley, Laura
Conlon and Gerda Donley.
Thank you for listening.
We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.