I keep putting a single penny into this penny pusher every time I do five more come out and I don't know where they're coming from.
They fall out the bottom. Do you not see them as they get pushed out the penny pusher?
You see that's what I thought but okay look I'm gonna put this in here now and okay okay give it a sec.
There we go and it didn't push any down and there's five pennies down here.
I've never seen this before.
I mean if it was larger quantities of money I'd keep this quiet but.
Have you considered trying to move it to the 10p pusher?
Too rich for my blood.
Sorry to to butt in like this but there was once a prophecy of a chosen one would get money out of this machine.
This specific machine had a prophecy?
Yes.
Do all the machines have a prophecy or just this one?
No this is apparently a special sacred penny pusher machine.
I mean it is carved out of pretty old wood and it's got like intricate runes on it.
And you did just appear from shadows.
Well you see it wasn't prophesized by me it was prophesized by.
Me.
Whoa whoa there's a lot of shadows here.
The priestess herself.
I am the grand priestess and I prophesied hundreds of years ago that one day a young
man would come along the most handsome young man I've ever seen and he would create many many pennies.
I mean it's very flattering but I'm not sure that describes me.
Objectively speaking I don't think.
You sure it's I've never been people who meet like two out of the three.
I know beauty's in the eye of the polder but come on.
I mean you don't need to rub it in.
Sorry yeah no.
Well the main part of the prophecy seems to have come true though let's not maybe I mean you are
you're a bit odd looking by modern standards but maybe 200 years ago when the priestess made this
prediction maybe you would have been.
Okay but I'm.
Cast as handsome.
Okay.
There would have been a lot of plagues so a lot of the handsome men probably had died.
200 years ago deformed ears were considered extremely attractive.
Oh there you go.
I mean I thought my ears were all right.
Okay.
You always get cast as an elf in the nativity.
There's not an elf in the nativity.
Well maybe there will be an elf in the nativity now that the chosen one has been revealed to us
because obviously there's going to be a new religion founded.
Oh okay yeah I mean I feel like I got very hung up on the lux of it but what does the rest of the
prophecy say?
Yeah I forgot that there was a.
She's prophesying.
It is written that the small man with elf ears will use his pennies to buy an elf costume.
It seems like a downgrade immediately on the handsome man.
So
welcome back to Dunbracken.
The town of Dunbracken would like to formally apologize for last week's ambulance parade.
We were trying to do a nice thing for the great ambulance service that covers not only our town
but every town in the county.
We did not mean to cause a traffic jam that resulted in not only all the ambulances being
unavailable to the wider county but also causing the firemen and police to come and help clear the
streets.
Thankfully the only fire that actually occurred that day was at the parade itself when one
opportunistic passerby thought he could steal a car while they were all preoccupied but accidentally
set it on fire when attempting to hotwire it.
All the proceeds to tomorrow's blood drive outside Grundel's newsagents will now be going
towards the ambulance services.
Um sorry do you change the battery some watches here?
Oh yeah yeah of course we do yeah we're a drillers we're very good at that sort of thing.
It's our main source of income.
Really? That's how you I would have assumed it'd be the jewelry.
No no it's the watches they cause they're repeat customers the jewelry one-time things engagement
rings you never see the person again.
I don't know I mean my mother's been engaged five times.
Mrs Johnson?
No.
Oh okay sorry there's a woman.
She doesn't live in a village.
Ah okay there's a woman that comes in every now and again she just buys a lot of engagement rings.
I don't know who they're for.
Oh okay interesting she buys them and then.
She buys them yeah.
I guess you know put out into the world what you want but it's like a once a month thing.
Okay so I guess I accept but the marriage doesn't happen.
Never ask questions it's not our not our place you know.
Really okay how are you making so much money off batteries?
I've had this watch for 10 years this is the first time it's run out.
That must be a stellar watch what kind is it?
Um it doesn't really say.
Worn off.
I just can't really see the brand here oh they're oh they're Barrett's Barrett's.
Barrett's well you see like a lot of people they bring in the tag hers I don't know
they bring in the tag hers and they.
Is it tag hers or tiger's like the animal?
No tag her.
Tag is a guy in town that he tries to rip off the I think it's a German brand tag who air
but he sells his own ones to people in the town with very very faulty batteries.
So I really shouldn't be telling you this because.
It kind of sounds like you're in cahoots with this.
We're in a little bit of cahoots yeah and this is why I realize I shouldn't have been telling you.
If you're spending so much money on battery batteries surely they could just get a better watch.
Well they could but you see that's the thing with the low income households.
If they had a medium income they could buy the better watch but you can't.
That's it buy cheap buy twice.
It's tough it's like a pair of good steel toe cap boots.
Classic I'll be honest I kind of don't want to give you my watch now.
What why?
I feel like you're going to sabotage it or put it.
We do a great job on the batteries I'll tell you what.
You give me this one.
I mean you say that people people keep coming back for to change the batteries.
This is this should be a once in a lifetime.
Look sir you have had a wonderful life with your watch but not not everyone's so lucky as you
to spend 10 years with the one companion on the wrist.
Everyone has their own problems sir and sometimes it's important that we all take a moment give me
money and get a new battery.
It's just I feel like you're creating problems for these people.
It's supply and demand sir.
Yeah yes but you're creating the demand artificially.
I'm not arguing.
You're in car hoots with some sort of.
With tag.
Don't bring bring tag who are into this.
He is a respectable businessman who with yes shady tactics but his business is all above
board people know what they're getting into.
Unfortunately Dunbracken will no longer be able to give the proceeds from the blood drive to the
ambulance services.
For the fourth blood drive in a row the blood that was earmarked to be sold to hospitals
in order to pay back the ambulance services for our ill-fated parade have been stolen by
the infamous blood bandits.
Now two wrongs don't make a right but the mayor has agreed that anyone who takes the law into
their own hands and captures the blood bandits or anyone who is walking around town with what
one would deem as too many bags of blood for one person will now be rewarded with the money
earned from selling the blood that they recapture.
Hey Jamie, Aaron, how are you guys?
I'm doing alright, how are you?
Oh, keeping well.
Oh hey Paul.
Hey, yeah.
So you guys aren't that busy these days right?
Well it's out of season but you keep busy, you do things in the evening, you know, you're checking
on everyone, you know, you put the time in like...
Of course, no, I didn't mean to imply anything, you know, it's just...
No, no, we still have our jobs, it's just it's out of season.
Exactly, but you know what's in season soon?
I'm trying to bring the town fair back.
You're still doing that?
Yeah, this is the year for me, I feel it in my bones.
So did you not have that last year?
No, no.
What was that then?
What am I thinking of?
No, I thought it was that too, I thought it went really well.
No, no, that was just to clean up after the storm.
That was good, like everyone was...
Yeah, to be honest, it was a bit painful that it had better turn out than the last fair four
years ago, but yeah, I liked the community spirit and I would like...
We lifted that big tree off our...
The big tree, oh yeah.
Bring that back here, that would be good.
Tree lifting.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Sign me up for that for sure, yeah.
You know what, speaking of, I have something similar to tree lifting.
It's not quite tree lifting, but it's in the same vein.
Well, we have a bunch of marquees and tents and stalls to set up and I'm looking for volunteers
to help out with that.
It's not exactly tree adjacent, is it?
Well, I mean, the stalls were trees at one point and they knew lifting and then like
the marquees, Big Pole, it's basically a tree that's been filled that we're bringing back again.
Are we moving the marquees out of the way because the ambulance can't get through?
Because that was good.
Because that was a time crunch.
That was exciting, that.
Yeah.
It was exciting.
It was part of the reason we haven't had a country fair in a while and I did promise
that there would be a clear path for the ambulances this time.
So, I mean, I'm hoping that this year we won't need an ambulance, but if they're available,
that they can get to any situation very quickly.
What are all the blogs around town going to talk about if there's no inherent danger?
We're going to have like baking competitions and petting sues and I'm going to get a celebrity.
Oh, all right.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's not TBD, but I think everyone's going to be very excited.
It's TBD.
Is that the guy who sings about his shoes a lot?
Well, I'm not allowed to say yet, but you won't be disappointed.
I know you both love this person.
Seems like you could tell us then.
Oh, should we guess?
You can guess, but I am legally not allowed to say yet.
Adrian Childs.
Oh, that's a good one.
Is it a one show presenter?
Can you narrow it down to one show or not?
It's not a one show presenter.
I am allowed to say that.
See, that doesn't narrow it down.
We're not playing 10 questions with this celebrity here.
Can we have that at the fair?
10 questions.
I suppose so.
Do you want a dedicated stall for that or just?
I think so.
I think if you get someone sitting there with like a sheet over them
and they're the celebrity and you go, who's this?
Here, here, here.
Who's this?
That might be fun for the revelation moment.
He's trying it now.
Guess who that is.
Here, who's this?
Who's this?
Are you on the one show?
No, you just have to guess who it is.
Yeah, I don't think we get.
Darren Brown.
No, he's never been on the one show.
Oh, wasn't that good?
Oh, so it is someone on the one show.
That's what you said, yeah.
No, I explicitly said it's not someone on the one show.
Oh, I misheard you.
I've lost interest in your whole fair.
I've lost interest in a big way.
No, please come on, guys.
I will suggest that they arrive in like a cloak
and the whole town can play 10 questions beforehand.
Is it Dracula?
I don't think he's allowed back.
Has Dracula been banned from this town?
All monsters have been.
Right.
After that, it's freak Halloween where everyone thought
the haunted house was way too realistic,
so they just banned everything.
And the petting zoo was sucked dry.
OK, well, this is going to make my next visit very difficult,
but it's good to know in advance.
Dunbracken hasn't got enough housing,
which is why I've invited you, ladies and gentlemen of the press,
to come inside this enormous oak tree,
which we have begun work hollowing out to turn
into fabulous luxury apartments.
Wow.
This is extremely impressive.
Yes, of course.
That's why we here at Dunbracken Property Developments
are involved in this business, because we want to help people.
I'm afraid that this is going to attract a lot of young people to this town.
We don't need them.
We've never needed them.
Don't need young people?
No.
Who's going to care if you're elderly?
Who's going to train to become teachers?
Well, if we don't have young people, we don't need teachers.
Well, yes, I suppose there is a certain logic to that.
We can finally defund the school.
Do you know how long my readers have been yearning for that day?
Get rid of it, I say!
Dine with the school!
Thanks, Daryl.
Does anybody know the median age of residents in Dunbracken?
49?
It was 50, but it's been a cold winter.
As the editor of Teaching Weekly, I completely disagree with your assessment
that we need to get rid of the school.
The school is really important.
It brings a lot of joy to the hearts of children.
My grandchildren spend all their time there and never visit me.
Well, maybe that's to do with your personality, sir.
It's everything to do with my personality,
but I need something to blame if the school's gone.
I have to look inward.
This is the problem.
If we give them better options, why would they pick us?
The other thing to consider is basically what you're saying is
people should stop having children in Dunbracken.
Have you considered a forced sterilization program?
Oh, I've just been campaigning to shut down a maternity ward.
They'll just be born in back alleys instead.
Well, I'm hoping in other towns.
Your editorials have suggested you just want people to stop having sex.
No, that's my editorials.
I don't like it.
Never have.
Nothing good comes from sex.
I heard you've been breaking into people's bedrooms.
Yeah, to tell them, no, stop what you're doing.
You know what?
Me and my wife have never been closer since we stopped having sex.
I think we're losing sight here of this announcement
that we're turning this hollowed out oak tree into a luxury apartment.
You're right.
We're angry at the wrong things.
We should be angry at you.
Darn with the tree.
What if we turn it into a retirement village?
How am I going to get up there?
It's 50 feet tall.
I like that.
Or we could turn it into another school.
Oh, no.
They're ganging together.
I think there's more money in retirement villages.
Oh, yeah.
Than schools.
Not that I'm completely blinded by money
and I'm doing this for community benefit.
The children of Dunbracken are very rich.
Because they keep stealing my money.
I have so much gold buried around and they keep finding it.
I mean, it's very shallow.
I didn't know they were going to build the school there.
Darn with the school.
Let me get my gold.
I mean, we have very rich civil servants
who just tried to fix some potholes
and came across your gold deposits.
I'm a weak man.
I can't dig deep.
Dunbracken property development could deal with the potholes.
We could turn them into bedsits.
Stay away from my potholes.
I just I'm just concerned that it will attract more young people.
We have the ones we have and...
We're going to get more.
Bloody rich.
I'm going to encourage everybody to keep fucking.
No, it's dirty and it's depraved.
It's not what it's not what needs to happen.
We need books.
What sort of books?
Cold books that make your loins cold.
Well, I'm excited.
I think this is a brilliant, brilliant invention.
It looks beautiful.
I think it's clever.
I'm really impressed.
I'm going to give you a glowing write-up.
And I am going to destroy you and your life,
your family will never know a moment's peace
as I slander you across the Dunbracken bracket.
Could the townsfolk please refrain from attacking any farmers that they see
that have just come from the abattoir?
That blood, whilst looking like human blood, is in fact cow and pig and sheep blood.
We can verify this after one of the town council members beat up Billy O'Hare
before he revealed the true nature of his blood-stained clothes.
Also, if people could refrain from coming to the town hall with plastic bags full of blood
claiming that this is from the blood bandits, we would appreciate it.
We know this couldn't be blood from the blood bandits because the blood bandits, of course,
did not steal plastic bags full of blood, but more paper-based bags-for-life type bags of blood.
Coming by your hearse here from Tyg, I'm Tyg and I've got your hearse for ye.
Ooh, could I have a hearse? How much is that one?
That one there, that one will set ye back. Normally it's about 150.
Ooh, that's a little rich for my blood.
But I'll do it for ye for 1250, how about that?
Ooh, wow, that's fantastic.
That's a good deal on a hearse, you're telling me.
That's 70% off, I think we should get two.
That's fantastic, I think it makes sense.
One for each wrist, sure, why not?
Oh, I consider it as a present, I didn't even consider I could wear two.
Oh.
Sir, look at you, you've got some nice shoes on, you have a lovely coat, why don't you get a watch
on each wrist? And then, before long, with two hears on each wrist, you'll have ladies off each arm as well.
Ooh, I like that. We've been looking for ladies off both arms for a while now and it hasn't.
Maybe it's the wrists.
I mean, I'd be happy with one, but yeah, maybe.
I think we hide our little nimble wrists with nice 1250 watches.
Yeah, yeah, do you take credit cards?
Take credit card, take PayPal, Bitcoin, all that sort of stuff.
Now, if I may, before ye's walk off with two watches here, I do have watches that also go
round the ankles. You could have four hears on your body at any moment.
Four hears. Oh, that's exciting, because I do have, you have little gnarly wrists,
but I have knobbly ankles that I am ashamed of and I wish I could wear ankle socks.
Let me get a look at them now.
Here they are, here they are.
See, you see what I'm working with?
Yeah, to be fair, sir, can I call you sir?
Go ahead.
Those are, those are disgusting.
I understand.
I really wish you hadn't shown them.
I feel sick and I work in this business.
I'm your best friend for 20 years and this is tough to look at.
You've never seen his ankles in 20 years.
Oh, I've seen them frequently and it's, it's been a friendship challenging.
Never in daylight, though. It's always at the dark of night.
The day you came out inside your house wearing shorts, I screamed at you.
It nearly ended our friendship.
I didn't like the rumour that you spread around time.
It's not a rumour, it is a fact.
Yes, it's a fact, but no one needed to know.
You only get your ankles out at night then.
The dark of night, only the pale moonlight can make them look acceptable to the Lord's eye.
Well, that's not true. These hears will make them look absolutely lovely.
I think so. And also just a reminder, it is a full moon two nights from now,
so don't go outside wearing shorts.
Okay. Yeah, I won't.
So you get two for your wrist and I'll get two for my, uh, my ankles.
You only want them for your ankles.
I can get all four of them.
Oh, I want all four.
Exactly.
Yeah.
I'm trying to upsell here, right?
Sir, if I can call you, sir.
You can.
I'm just, I'm just trying to, you know, here's a, here's a wee lesson in business, right?
See if he can sell someone two watches, you can sell them four watches.
That's what my dad always told me.
I never thought about that.
And he's dead now.
Wow. Yeah.
I said, wow.
Because I'm wondering if, if he sold his soul or something, you know,
such a good marketer might've sold a soul to God or the devil. I don't know.
He sold it either to the God or the devil, but the purgatory Lord, the middleman.
He was always known as the middleman in life. You know, there was my ma and then there was me.
Who made that happen? The middleman, my dad.
Now I have another question about the ankle watches.
So I like to skinny dip in the moonlight.
What? Since when?
Well, I started it like three months ago.
Are you the beast that the town's been referring about?
Again, I wish you hadn't seen that.
That one, I didn't start. Other people have been telling me about.
I just assumed it was you.
But yes, I technically, I am the beast.
I tried to explain it to those campers, but they ran away screaming.
Now hold on. Are these watches waterproof?
That was my question. Yeah.
Really?
Yeah. Cause I wanted the skinny dip.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah.
That was good. I'd like you to give a wee bit of a backstory before just straight up
answering the question. I like that.
There's a great level of detail there.
The answer is no.
Back to Dumbraken is created, produced and edited by Connoth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter,
you can follow us at Dumbraken pod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Marcus Keighley, Gemma Burnett and Robert Vaughan.
The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon
and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dumbraken very soon.