Um, where's your whole pass?
I don't know.
Where's your dad?
Yeah, that's right.
Welcome back to our lady of despair and retribution's morning school announcements.
Biology teacher Mr Mildrew has had his lunch stolen by the 5th year bullies again, so if
anyone sees him looking weak or grey, please give him some of your lunch.
The principal would like to remind everyone that the sun is not a fire hazard.
Several students called in sick last Thursday claiming that they thought the school was
going to burn up because it was too close to the sun.
In order to calm the fear that is currently plaguing the town, that the sun is edging
ever closer to the earth because it has started appearing an hour earlier in the mornings
now.
The Maths teachers are currently offering after school lessons for parents to explain how
daylight savings times works.
The PE teachers have been granted time off this week to go see their loved ones after
it was discovered that they both thought they had to live permanently in the school and
had not left the school grounds for the past two years.
This was only discovered after first year Peter Tilford went to PE class and discovered
one of the PE teachers to in fact be his father, who was missing presumed dead for the past
two years.
If anyone sees a sentient ball of green gut being chased around by a Robin Williams type,
please steer clear.
Mr Mildrew accidentally created a sentient Robin Williams AI who is now relentlessly
doing bits at everyone causing severe delays in class schedules.
This year's talent show is sponsored by the Mr Mildrew Needs A Wife chart that the fifth
year bullies founded earlier this year.
What's that attached to your arm, Harry?
It's Benji.
Again?
Harry, I don't want to send him away.
He doesn't look very comfortable.
He won't be very comfortable in the abattoir either.
For a moment.
Then the good people, McCarthy and Sons.
Are you listening, pig?
Are you listening?
They'll fire a steel bolt directly into your brain.
There'll be no more suffering.
I should know.
I have a steel bolt in my brain.
That's your inability to feel.
No, because you seem pretty unfeeling now, dad.
No, Harry.
Yes, dad.
When the steel bolt passed through my neocortex, eliminating my ability to suffer, it also tapped
into a hitherto unknown aspect for me, that of empathy.
That seems like a bit of a reach, doesn't it, dad?
You have no empathy for either me or the pig.
In fact, you don't even need to have empathy for the pig.
You just need to have empathy for me.
Don't you see, Harry?
Even the language, the language you're using, the tone you're using.
Not very empathetic, is it?
If you saw what I saw, you'd know this is empathy.
What did you see?
I saw.
You're talking about what you saw at the carnival last year.
Not what I saw.
I foresaw.
You've seen the lads on the roundabout.
They know something's coming.
The pigs have nothing to do with this, dad.
The pigs have everything to do with this.
Everything has everything to do with this.
And it's not just adhesive that connects you and that pig, no.
We're all together in a big soup.
Boy, dang, Harry.
Come, come, look at the calligraphy.
Could be part of this.
So I've been reading over the plan for open night tonight and, uh...
Do we have to put the ugly kids to the back?
I don't know.
I think it seems unfair.
We're trying to get people to come to the school.
The parents pay for the school.
They pay your wage.
No, I know that.
I know they pay my wage, but I think, like, how is Mr. and Mrs. Andrews going to feel
whenever their kid, stupid as he is, ugly as he is, but he's right at the back?
I'm with James.
I just think we should keep them outside the school.
Completely outside the school.
I mean, ideally every day of the year, but definitely tonight.
Yeah.
I don't know, guys.
I think kids need to be looking happy and stuff.
Parents want to send their children to this school.
They want to know that the kid's having fun, regardless of beauty standards.
Yeah, but as Derek said, the ugly kids are also the stupidest kids.
They won't know what's happening.
They'll be confused because this is happening at night.
So that's not going to do us much favours.
I did have to explicitly state that the parent teacher evening is at 7pm over and over again.
Yeah, but I just think, like, could we have them playing games in the background or something?
I'm just thinking we need bodies in and around the place to make it seem full.
And I understand, yes, it's nighttime, so parents would understand.
But again, the ugly kids' parents are pretty ugly and stupid themselves.
So I think we need...
I see what you're getting at, and we shouldn't let them in either.
No, in the first place, no.
I don't know.
I mean, we were desperate for money at the time, so that's why we're not inundated with
thick, ugly kids.
But I mean, come on.
I really think we should have a dress code for tonight as well.
You don't think the...
I'm just fed up seeing people in tracksuits.
Yeah, we should have a dress code for the parents.
For the parents?
Yeah.
It's a good filter.
It's just if they're in tracksuits, most of them come directly from work.
So if they're in tracksuits, what have they been doing all day?
Yeah, they're not all PE teachers.
That's a good idea.
We'll get the PE teachers to bounce the people in tracksuits, don't let them in.
Yeah, they could probably do that.
That's good.
That way, I don't like it when they are on school grounds as well, so they're just outside.
Yeah, it's a good excuse just to get them out.
Yeah, keeps them busy.
How about this even?
We take the PE teachers and all the thick, ugly kids and we have them out in the yard.
Oh, just run laps or something, yeah?
Yeah, just run laps.
Don't put the lights on either, just in case someone sees them.
People don't mind if a professional sports player is not great looking.
I can work with this.
And I think that means then that people can hear there's an ambiance going on, so they
can hear the thick, ugly people and not...
I'll tell you what, they're thick and they're ugly, but their laps are enchanting.
Yeah, that is true.
You want to make an ambiance?
This isn't a party that you're running here, by the way.
I think it's important that the...
I said the word ambiance.
I think there needs to be an ambiance.
They need to know that we have a certain culture here at the school that their kids can be
proud of, to be part of.
I get that, but soufflés and people giving out entrees and champagne flutes.
Where's all that for the staff room?
Day to day, never mind tonight.
I'm fed up having to supply my own champagne.
It's very expensive.
Look, we gave you the plastic flutes and we gave you a bottle of Prosecco at the start
of the year.
It's not my fault that you used it up.
I go through that in a day.
I can't have that be my entire year supply.
And also the plastic flutes.
You know what was delivered to the music department?
A load of plastic flutes.
You've got some big ugly delivery people.
Yeah.
These delivery people are hideous.
If you've got a nice long plastic flute, that's a lot to drink through.
That's a big...
There's too many holes in it.
I've tried sucking on it and it makes a terrible noise.
Okay, right.
I'll take these under consideration for next year.
But at the minute, I can't really do much.
All this stuff, it's all for the perspective parents right now.
You can re-initiate the next teacher's meeting, whatever you want to do.
Right now, I think we need to present a united front for these parents.
I mean, you're the only one who's not in sync.
I feel like...
Yeah.
But your sync is so full of shit.
Okay, well, no need for that.
Wow, wow.
What a pep talk.
I'm ready to sell this show at the school now.
Oh, our principal thinks we're incapable of presenting the show.
Not incapable.
I'm sorry.
As a drama teacher, I'm just constantly thinking of this as a show.
Usually that's a great attitude for these nights, but it's just you're also considering
it like a show where everyone needs to be beautiful.
And that's my main crux of my argument is that we need something for the ugly, thick
kids to be doing.
Look, I can only cast so many hunchbacks.
We are giving them something.
We're preparing them for life in prison, which is where they're going to go.
So have them out in the yard, have them doing, have them lifting stuff.
Get them to clear out the old school.
And I'll tell you what, some of them are from great gangs.
Yeah.
The fifth year bullies are having a bake sale on Tuesday morning at Brick to raise awareness
of the desperate lack of funds in the third year pockets.
The fifth year bullies are having a tough year, having discovered that Mr. Mildew has
begun eating his lunch before school every day.
All money raised in the bake sale will go directly into the pockets of the smallest,
weakest third years, which will in turn allow the fifth year bullies to commence bullying
and stealing lunch money again.
School open night starts this Wednesday at 7pm.
I've been asked to remind the ugly, thick kids that this is the 7 o'clock where the moon
is present instead of the sun.
The sentient bull of Green Gup, who last was being chased by Robin Williams, is now being
chased by an elderly Scottish house cleaner.
The elderly Scottish housekeeper is being chased at different times by a slender Eddie
Murphy type and a fatter, more clumsy Eddie Murphy type.
Neither Eddie Murphy seems to appear at the same time.
The fifth year bullies have agreed to check the school ventilation shafts to find out
the base of operations for either Eddie Murphy or the elderly Scottish housekeeper.
Hello?
Is anybody in?
No, nobody's in.
Yeah, tell them no one's in.
Yeah, fuck off.
Oh, I just wondered if you wanted to buy some cookies for charity.
What do you think we're running here?
Well, you fancy some cookies, do you?
I do, I do like some cookies.
Well, we better mask up before we open the doors.
We don't want them squealing.
Also, I've got a cold.
I don't want to spread it.
Oh, they're very, very good.
But yeah, this hideout, bloody identities.
I have all three different sorts.
I've got chocolate chip.
I've got minty ones.
I've got vanilla.
I'm just getting myself dressed.
Yeah, yeah, we're just, just give us one moment.
Right, I'm going to open the door.
Yeah, just a crack.
Just a crack.
Yeah, yeah.
We haven't got a crack yet.
Yeah, yeah.
Just opening the door a crack, all right?
OK, fine.
Sorry, we're so defensive.
We are very protective of our privacy.
There were some very dodgy looking men outside.
I just wondered, I wandered into the bad part of town.
Yeah.
Well, it's more complicated.
It's that.
Answer than that.
I mean, I don't want to judge your socio economic status.
But I just, you know, it's pretty rough.
OK.
Do you have a knife or a gun?
No, I don't have a knife or a gun.
She's got cookies, though, isn't she?
She's got cookies.
If anyone tries to mug you, darling, just hand over the cookies.
Is that likely?
Well, if you if someone asks you if you have a knife or a gun, you say yes.
Are you from the salubrious part of town?
Yes.
Well, yeah, it's more likely.
I'm really very posh.
You're doing your bit for charity.
Yes.
To make yourself feel better.
Well, you know, the children.
Which charity is it, love?
It's the children from the bad part of town school.
Oh, they need all the help they can get.
Yeah.
Poor little bleeders.
Half of them end up in drug mules, don't they?
Yeah, I heard that.
Yeah.
And I heard that some of their parents are divorced.
Well, the lucky ones.
That's that who told you that they're getting divorced.
Well, I heard from some of the teachers that some of the parents were divorcees and it
made things very difficult for the children who ended up selling drugs.
Oh, this is juicy gossip.
I like it.
You've got any knives?
I've got knives, yeah.
Well, Mrs. Brown, she goes to my church and she said that there's just big problems in
the bad part of town and we should care for the children because of Jesus.
But who's getting divorced?
Hello there.
Have you heard of the prophecy?
What?
I wasn't talking to you, but do you want to hear about the prophecy?
No.
OK.
It's pretty cool.
What?
I said it's pretty cool.
Excuse me, sir.
Why not?
I have a permit from the council.
Oh, sorry, sir.
You absolutely can prophesize here.
Oh, do I?
Someone mentioned a prophecy?
Oh, yes.
I do.
Would you like to hear about a prophecy?
Well, on the 14th of March, 2020, not supposed to.
Oh, at 14th of March.
It's an exciting date.
It's two days after my birthday.
That's that's good.
I'm glad it's two days.
The prophecy is that on the 14th of March, 2024.
Oh, it's next year.
That's soon.
Yes, it's very soon.
I'll be 42.
I won't because.
Yes, I will.
You'll be 42 for two days and then you won't be anything because there'll be a pig born,
which a pig what?
A pig born.
Pig born.
A pig will be born.
That reasons I cannot explain and that I saw in a vision the carnival.
Son tells me I just ate too much candy floss.
I had what is commonly known as a sugar rush.
Pig is gonna.
Pig's gonna blow up.
Pig's gonna blow up?
Oh, well, I'm the chief must in my life.
I'm happy.
What?
I'm ready to go.
What have you achieved in your life?
What's your name?
I'm Reginald.
What have you achieved, Reginald?
Do you have a son?
I do.
Is your son trying to stop you from killing pigs?
Not often, no.
I've never killed a pig.
Never killed a pig?
Would you like to try now?
Here's one right now.
Is it attached to your son?
Is that your son?
Ignore the boy.
Not very empathetic, dad, are you?
Ignore the boy.
I just mean everybody needs to kill a pig in this town.
Oh, I see he also has a clapboard on him.
I didn't notice.
What's your prophecy?
I think it's going to end when the Lord comes back to us.
The Lord's coming again.
He's going to get you.
You're rolling your eyes, father, but this is what you sound like.
This is derivative.
Yours is derivative too.
Oh, you went to a carnival and you saw a prophecy.
I know what I saw.
I was dancing relaxed.
There's a spun in those teacups.
Oh, a spin in the teacups sounds very like a Stephen King novella, doesn't it?
You know that I don't read Stephen King.
No, but you may read Richard Bachman, Stephen King's alias.
I've never I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm going to be excited to know.
I'd love to know more about your personal life, son.
It's this.
It's the Bachman book, the four novellas that Stephen King wrote under his pen name.
Look at this one.
Interesting.
Oh, it's about a person who goes to a fairground and sees the dazzling lights.
And oh, there's a mystery of how the world's going to end.
Whoa, he's just woken up in bed.
Perhaps it was a dream.
I woke up in bed.
I thought it was interesting, isn't it?
I woke up in bed too.
Shut up, Richard.
I'm talking to my son.
This is the first conversation we've ever had.
It isn't about killing a pig.
It appears we have all been checked by the elderly Scottish housekeeper who was actually
being the Robin Williams AI in disguise this whole time.
If anyone learned any life lessons from the elderly Scottish housekeeper, please disregard
these as bits from Robin Williams, who was desperately trying to keep in contact with
his child, the sentient green ball of Goop.
The sentient green ball of Goop is still at large in the skull.
In other news, Mr. Mildew has gone missing.
I brought my inhaler with me, so if anyone needs it, you can use it.
I don't mind.
It's mint.
And I brought my vape, if you want to try that.
Your dad let you get one now?
My dad didn't let me get one, but he has so many he doesn't keep track of them.
I just took one.
What flavor is it?
It's scotch.
Scotch?
Scotch.
My dad likes scotch vape.
So you stole your dad's vape?
He has a lot of it.
I just took one of them.
It's not stated enough to not notice.
That's it.
That's what my dad said.
I could take one of your stuffed toys away and you wouldn't even notice.
So I did the same with the vape.
What's your dad doing with your stuffed toys?
No, I didn't ask.
I think he was just threatening to take them away because I have so many, but that's just
because I'm so good at the claw machine.
He is very good at the claw machine.
The secret is that at the back the glass panel is not properly attached.
You can just nudge it open and grab the stuff.
That's stealing.
You haven't noticed?
Oh, I haven't noticed.
Yeah, right now.
Did you say if you can grab it, it's yours?
It's just I don't use the claw.
Which one did you nail there?
Did the other one just abound?
I don't feel good.
I think it was this guy.
Why is your dad like this?
He says it makes him feel better.
So I don't know.
Maybe it's just you.
His dad needs to feel better because he lost his job.
That's true.
Yeah, but that's fine.
He's got all the things brewing in.
He's got great things.
He said he was underappreciated and he's going to show them all.
That's what he said when your mum left though too.
And she's dead now.
And so he must have showed her.
I don't.
He didn't.
My dad didn't kill my mum.
People stop saying that.
It was in the paper.
My dad died when their cruise ship sunk.
But she was the only one that died.
That's because she was helping others.
Yeah, but they knew the report saying she got on a lifeboat.
She was on a lifeboat was the last report.
Yes.
Yeah.
Look, it started sinking.
She was helping people on a lifeboat and then she went on the last lifeboat by herself and
then they lost track of it.
And don't, don't shake your head.
This is true.
I just don't believe your dad didn't use a fake name, get on the boat and murder your
mum.
My dad barely got out of bed after my mum left.
It couldn't have been him.
He is very lazy.
That's why he lost his job.
That's true.
He's not lazy.
He's just, he does things at his own speed.
It sounds like something he's told you.
I'll always say he told me.
Stop being your dad's puppet.
Be your own person.
Get a different view.
Avenge your mum.
My mum wasn't killed.
She just died on a cruise ship trying to save others when her life...
You know what they always say?
It's better to avenge your mum than ask for forgiveness.
Okay, look, if I am going to avenge her, I need to be sure he actually did it because
I don't see how he could have done that.
He's been banned from that cruise ship.
Yeah, they had to get bouncers on that cruise ship to stop him getting out.
I mean, yeah, they went there for the honeymoon and then he got too drunk, even by cruise
standards and then kept trying to argue that he should be the captain.
And they kicked him out in Rome and he had to travel home by himself.
So he couldn't have been on the cruise ship because they still look out for him.
I think you're glossing over the fact where he pushed the captain into the water and they
had to fish him out.
I didn't gloss over it.
I just choose not to say it.
I don't know.
It seems like you're just not allowing yourself to believe that your father murdered your
mother.
I just think he's too sad to do it.
That's what all the murderers say.
Oh, I'm too sad.
I don't think they all say that.
Every murder that's happened in this town, everyone's defense is like, I couldn't have
done it.
I'm real sad.
And yes, that worked for four of them at the start, but then then the jury started catching
on.
It's a small town, gossip spreads.
And it's the same jury nearly every time statistically.
Yeah.
No, they need to sort that out.
I think they do.
I've been on it three times and I'm only seven.
Wow.
That's amazing.
I see.
I haven't got a chance yet.
I think they only know a certain amount of addresses and they just keep sending them
out to them.
Yeah.
We just, uh, we just got rid of a post box to stop getting jury summons.
That's so smart.
Why am I not getting any?
We also don't get bills now.
So my dad doesn't have to pay electric.
I did think it was weird that they had that jury there for your dad than your mom's divorce
proceedings.
I think some of those people are just homeless and hanging out there.
If you haven't been on a jury yet, if you had to be on a jury for a crime, what crime
would it be?
Oh, and are they guilty or not guilty?
Obstruction of justice.
I want to see someone perjure themselves live in front of my eyes.
Yeah, like someone who's been like, no officer.
I didn't move the car.
And then they're like, Oh wait, he did move the car because he lied about it.
I want to see someone live bare faced after putting their hand on a Bible.
See, that's a good one because it has cars in it.
And I like cars.
Cars are great.
That's great.
Your dad lost his car, didn't he?
They had to take it away.
He didn't lose it.
He knows where it is.
They just took it.
Mr. Mulgrew has been discovered in the ventilation shaft above the biology class.
It appears that the fifth year bullies only volunteered to help the school catch the Eddie
Murphy types to gain access to the ventilation shaft in order to hide Mr. Mulgrew up there
after they had organized a date for him via the Mr. Mulgrew needs a wife foundation.
Mr. Mulgrew began to freak out as the date got closer and closer to arriving.
So the fifth year bullies stuffed him in the ventilation shaft and went on the date themselves.
Mr. Mulgrew now has a girlfriend.
However, she believes that Mr. Mulgrew is a nine foot tall monstrosity as she has been
on three dates now with the fifth year bullies and a very large trench coat.
The fifth year bullies claim they have no feelings for the woman and are slowly trying
to lower their heights three inches per date so that she will eventually believe the nine
foot monster that she's initially met was just a trick of the eye and Mr. Mulgrew is
actually just a regular six foot monstrosity.
As Mr. Mulgrew is currently in the vent, we cannot confirm if he is responsible for the
elderly woman referring to herself as Big Mama who has begun chasing the larger Eddie
Murphy who is chasing Robin Williams who is no longer an elderly Scottish woman who is
chasing the sentient bull of Green Gup.
As it currently stands, only Big Mama is school approved to hand out life lessons to the pupils.
Only life lessons bestowed upon you by anyone else should be discarded as communist propaganda.
Do you want to shoot, son?
Do you want to shoot what, dad?
We didn't just wander aimlessly past this point.
I've been here before.
This is where, this is where…
Oh hey, you got a big steel bolt in your head.
Well, I'm trying to talk to my…
What's your name?
Farquad.
Yes, the Carny.
Farquad, give me just one moment of my son.
Certainly.
Hey ma'am, would you like to shoot?
Look at his narrow eyes, Harry.
His narrow swine eyes.
Have a stuffed unicorn, huzzah!
His gnarled hands, seemingly cloven in two.
Your suggestion that Carny…
Harry, I don't know what to believe.
I brought you here so that you could shoot a steel bolt into my head, dislodge the previous
steel bolts and perhaps remove myself from these startling visions.
I thought that you wanted me here to find some sort of natural affinity with the steel
bolt shooter and then kill Benji.
Well, I did.
And then I didn't.
Well, have you decided?
Would you like a gun?
Yes.
Here you go.
Thank you.
You gonna take your shot?
Farquad, step out of the firing range.
No, this is where I am.
I'm gonna step in front of you.
I've stepped in front of him.
Take the shot, boy.
Release your old man.
Last night I dreamt of Carrie too.
It was not good.
Okay, dad.
Ah, the old shooter steel bolt out of your head trick.
Ah, we get this.
Why is this man still here?
Once a week.
This is my booth.
It's up to you now, son.
Shoot your old man.
Shoot him.
Okay.
I'm gonna take the shot.
Wonderful.
Wait.
Let the pig shoot.
Okay, Benji, decide.
Oh, he's dead.
He's been dead.
Oh, he's very grey.
Did you feed him when he was… did you feed him when he was…
Did you feed the pig at any point?
Oh, my brains.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conneth MacVay.
For more information on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter, you can follow
us at DunbrackenPod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Marcus Keighley, Paul Moon, Niall McKenna, Gemma Burnett
and Robert Vaughan.
The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon and you can check out his
entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening.
We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.