Welcome back to Dunbracken.
Do do do do do do do do do do do?
What's that? Oh, oh.
Looks like that oh, oh, hey sir
Hello, hey. Hey. Hello. I know you're on the phone. I have your wallet
Don't put your finger up at me. This is your wallet. I think you dropped it back there
Yeah, this is his this is
That is 100% a picture of him. Yeah, sir
No, don't get in your car. What? No, don't get in your car. Wait, wait a minute. Don't get in your car
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sir. Sir. Sir. Wait, wait, wait. I have your wallet wait, sir
Oh god, I'm oh, I'm so hot fit. Oh, I'm so upset
Oh, yeah, I'm coming sir. Don't wait. Don't worry. I'll find you. I'll find you
Hey
Dunbracken coming at you live. It's done Bracken 105.7
And so the mayor has announced that the big cave is open this week
Which was as we all know once the site of a great tragedy part of the salt mine collapsed
But the mayor has claimed that now instead of trapping townsfolk. It will be a lovely little tourist trap more on that later
However, as we are now joined by a very special guest
I'm here with the one foot in front of the other marching band. It's just our FIOTO
Oh, yeah, sure. Oh FIOTO for short. Thank you so much. Is it just a sad we song just a wee song
We'll do the song then we'll do the song then
Not now. Oh, sorry. I got
Over excited. What have you got going on? Tell the people that are listening, please. I believe they're not done
Bracken is actually where the most of our records have actually sold
So, you know, we got to come down and you know give back to the people, you know the fans. Yeah
Yeah, absolutely. I'll say we were number one in your dumb Bracken top ten last week with our hit song
We'll get we will get to your hit song at the end. Don't worry. I actually don't listen to music
I find it's not good to take work home with you. So I try to stay clear of music when when I'm in the house
You know, what do you do to online then you read any good books? Yeah
I found like this really weird ancient text. I've been reading that. Um, is it the Bible was it Ulysses?
It's more ancient. It's more ancient than both of those books. Is it written on a slab?
It's written in human skin, which is the title of our new song written on human skin
No, Jerry
Can you can tell me a bit about you know the inspiration because it was at your birthday party when you first had the idea
It was a my birthday party when I first had the idea
So what happened here was the idea came to us at Jerry's birthday party and Jerry's the one who had the idea
Human skin you see is actually the biggest organ in the body and like what's a crack?
It's only used for one thing sweating. I so he says there must be more use for this skin stuff
Um, what happened was I was talking about tattoo plans because tattoos are written on human skin when you think about it
That's where the idea came to us. That's so interesting. It's really good to hear like the proper detail
You know, you don't you don't get to hear it straight from the artist
We think we owe the people like explanations because a lot of songwriters
They want people to make their own meaning but we're not about that
We want the people to know exactly what they're meant to be thinking about when they're listening
Let them know that they can use that great human skin for more than one thing with sweating sweating
Did you know that human skin use number eight you can ride on it?
So you could have wrote your wee questions down
So it also it retains memory if you eat it if you eat skin you retain memories or you just said to me though
That's what I just said there there
So say the ancient texts if I ate some of the skin that was dried that still give me the same kind of feelings
Oh would I have to find someone's alive skin? I'm not experts. No, I don't know. We're just we're just we're artists
We're not scientists. I'm learning a lot today. Look, I think you know, we're coming up to the end here
Um, I think it's time we're gonna get to what our listeners all really want
We're gonna play one foot in front of the other marching. That's why
Oh, oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh yeah. I'm so unprofessional
It's not that difficult. I know the song is called written on humans
Thank you so much
In front of the other marching band for coming on today. Oh, thank you. This is been Roger for dumb reckon 105.7 signing out. Thank you so much
Oh
I'm not tryin to symbolon just move cook food and e a
Sir, don't drive off, don't drive off!
What am I doing?
Oh my god!
Please let me in sir!
Oh god, oh god, stop the car, stop the car!
Please, let, me, in!
No sir, please!
It's okay little girl, stop crying, stop crying!
Please, please just let me in!
I have your wallet!
Stop swerving!
AHHHHH!
Ah!
Oh my, oh my god, oh my god.
Oh, is that broken?
Oh, oh I think, I think my arm's broken.
I think my arm's broken.
Oh god, oh, just snap it.
Ah!
Fuck!
Oh my god, no I can do this!
Yeah, okay, just check his...
Okay, what's the address?
Oh, is that blood?
Oh my god, that's my blood.
Oh!
You've still got the cough?
Yeah, still have the cough.
Had the cough for the last two, three years.
Two, three years.
Wow, that's tough man.
It sure is.
Do you ever think you're gonna come back then?
Well I guess while you've still got the cough you can.
I've still got the cough, can't go back to work.
That's tough.
Well here's your half-worked pay, here's your check.
It's a bit demeaning me coming in like this.
I mean...
You could just mail it out.
We have to prove that you still have the cough.
Oh hey, Hudson, still got it?
Yeah, you know me, still got it.
Yeah, good to see you too.
I don't know who that is.
Oh, everyone knows who you are.
There's only four of us at the minute.
We've had a bit of a downturn.
We had to lay off Sam because what we're still paying you half pay.
Yeah, that's appreciated.
And you know, you have to.
We do have to.
I mean, you're the reason I have this cold and this cough.
That won't go away.
Yeah, that was agreed in the settlement.
It was just expected that it was a common flu as tested by the doctor.
Yeah, that's what I hoped.
But you know, this has been rough on me.
My child thinks I'm some sort of monster.
My wife, she loves it to be honest.
But you know, now I'm scared that I'll get better.
And that it won't be the same.
But you know, it's tough having to choose between your wife and your child.
Have you tried?
You guys have really caused me a lot of hardship.
We're paying you half pay.
Yeah, but my life feels incompletely different.
I'm not paying you half pay.
I'm paying you half pay.
Yeah, but my life feels incomplete.
I have half a family.
Couldn't you just explain to your child that you're not a scary monster?
She's the only one she doesn't understand yet.
Have you tried not talking to your child?
Oh, really?
You wanted to take that away from me?
I can't read my bedtime stories to my child.
Now, you just want me to silently put her away and then just stare in the corner.
She would hate that more.
Every time I come in here, every month, I leave more upset than when I came in.
So, if I can gather the pieces of this right, for two years, you and your wife have loved you having this cold.
And now, suddenly, it's an inconvenience because you have a child now.
She just likes to voice.
So that didn't result in the child now?
Oh, I didn't even thought about that.
Oh, no. We're currently trying for a second.
Do you think if I get better, that won't happen?
I...
Oh, no.
No, I don't want to make any reason why you wouldn't want to get better.
I hope you get better soon.
I mean, my throat's like sandpaper.
It hurts even when I eat ice cream.
I don't know what to do with that, Tom, but here's your check.
You wanted to see how I'm doing. I'm not doing great.
I can't eat without being in pain.
Maybe if you were to put the body to work, then it would start to improve.
I can't believe that you're trying to do this again.
Maybe if you come back to work...
I'm not ready to teach yoga.
Come back to yoga, Tom.
I can't do this.
What is...
Me? Me, officer?
No, I didn't see anything unusual.
Really? Someone get stabbed?
Oh, my God.
No, I didn't see anything.
Just over there?
Oh, God, that's awful.
No, I haven't seen anyone or anything.
No, I...
This?
Oh, no, this is all my own blood.
Don't worry, officer.
This is all my own blood.
I won't bore you with the details.
I'm just trying to...
I have a wallet.
No, this is not my wallet.
No, I mean, it's not...
I didn't steal it.
No, I didn't...
I didn't steal it from someone.
I'm trying to get a bag.
No, I'm...
Hey, get off.
Get off me.
Hey!
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I...
Oh, God.
What have I done?
Hey, Jamie, Alex.
of all, I just want to say condolences about your dad. We were close friends. But as you
know, he was a big fan of the town fair, and I'm trying to bring it back. And we always
had this handshake agreement that we could use as field. So I'm hoping you two might
also honor it. How do you feel about that?
I mean, sort of inundated with obviously some other family business right now.
Of course, of course. I'm sorry for your loss.
Thanks.
Sorry for your loss. He was a great man.
Yeah, I think, I mean, what do you say?
Could you not have waited till after the funeral to ask us to use the fields?
That's a good question. And no, I can't. The fire marshals really want some of the paperwork
submitted early. And one of the first questions is where will it be held?
Okay, could you not have like stalled for, you know, even a few hours just while we deal
with some of this stuff?
I mean, I initially came around during the wake and thought that was inappropriate.
And yeah, yeah, that would have been inappropriate. It just seems to be like a very busy.
Somehow this is worse, Paul.
It is. It is a bit.
I mean, Uncle Joey, the fire marshal is carrying the coffin.
Yes.
He's not going to be needing that paperwork right now.
No, no, but I need to get it submitted. It's like an online form. I've been trying to avoid
him whenever he shut down the fair. For what I now agree are good reasons, I said some
very unproven things.
Paul, most of the time has sort of dined tools for this. And you're here with your clipboard.
It's just because it's when I keep losing the papers otherwise.
I mean, like every other person in town is at this, you know.
As I said, it wasn't like a legal agreement. It's like a handshake agreement. I just didn't
want to fill out the form without consulting you two first.
Oh, geez. Well, all the better then that, you know, this is a matter of urgency for
all the reasons discussed and especially because it's a handshake agreement.
And technically we don't own those fields yet until the will has been read. Those fields
are technically improbate.
Okay. Well, do you know who is the executor of your father's will?
Look, Paul, you're not going to speed up processes by doing this.
I just need like an in principle idea. If it changes, it changes.
Yeah, Paul, we don't know who's getting what yet. That might go to our sister who's
in France. She's not here.
Never here?
Yeah, we contacted her and she didn't really want to get involved. So your field might
be in France, Paul. Your handshake might be on mainland Europe.
That's quite possible. Your father always spoke very positively of her. I mean, I think
your sister, I know whenever she came over, we often had tea with her and your dad and
she was over quite a lot.
I haven't seen her in ages.
You sure? She was over like just weeks before you're...
Interesting.
I mean, I was there and I'm rarely the first person to invite us.
Oh, I would agree. Yeah, I think we both agree on that.
I've done a lot of self reflecting, Nick. I'm willing to accept that.
I mean, there was a reason why you weren't invited to this funeral, but yet here you
are clipboard in hand.
I mean, me and your dad were good friends. I just assumed I didn't need an invite.
Thanks. Really means a lot to us at this time.
Yes, sorry. I misread that.
Really? No, not at all. Come on in.
I'm sorry.
Hey, let me take that clipboard for you. I'll put it somewhere nice and safe.
Okay. I apologize. I just, I have a lot going on right now myself and... Nope. Didn't mean
it like that. Didn't mean it like that.
No, no, no. It's always good to catch up. So Paul, what's in your play right now?
Well, it is a lot of forms.
Are you burying your father today?
I mean, it wasn't that long ago either.
Again, what happened at that fair was a tragedy, which is why I'm surprised you're trying to
organize it again.
I had been cutting the corners on safety. As I said, I got into shouting matches with
the fire marshal and I realized now I've taken something away from the town that it really
loves. And I would like to be better. That's all I'm trying to do here.
Is this not to pry too much, but I think we're owed it.
Of course. Anything. I owe your father that much.
Is this a polling thing?
Yes and no. Yes and no. Part of it was that I thought if I was a better person, maybe
she'd take me back and a better person would try to right their wrongs. But now I do genuinely
think that even if I knew for sure that this wouldn't affect her opinion of me, I should
still go ahead and do it. And the other part is I would also just like to set a good example
for my daughter. I do miss the town fair. I made a lot of mistakes.
Are you going to have the fair on one of the weekends when you have Katie?
That would be preferable. I would like to think that even if it's not, Pauline would
let me have her on that weekend. That's assuming she wants to go back. She still struggles
with petting zoos. It was a very dramatic experience. But I mean, all kids suffer drama.
I mean, you know.
Not at the hands of their father. In quite a so dramatic a way involving donkeys and
parrots.
Are you trying to say there won't be a petting zoo this time?
There will be one, but last time I just got a guy on Greg's list. This time it would
be like a proper petting zoo with insurance and the right number of cages and everything.
Sorry, Jamie. I've just come to pick up the flower arrangement. It seems that I'm
a couple of flowers short here from Ian's funeral. I'm missing the F, A, I and R from
the arrangement. If you happen to come across them, just could you send them back to me?
So it was a F, A, I and R.
Paul, I don't suppose on your travels up to the house that you've seen any flower
arrangements missing from the hearse.
I am trying to be better. I am trying so hard.
Excuse me. Hi, yeah. Sorry. Can I talk to you for a wee second?
Me?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Hi, yeah.
Hi. How can I help?
Hi, yeah. I live in the house behind your house.
Oh, it's nice to finally meet you.
Yes. Hi, I'm Dan.
I'm Matt. Hi, yeah.
Lovely.
And I noticed the other night you had fireworks and it was...
Yes, sir.
... bonfire night type thing.
Yeah, yeah.
And that was great.
Sir, could you open your keys?
No.
Thank you. I've worked hard on them.
I'm trying to time.
You make them?
Yes. Well, I make the arrangements. I don't make the fireworks themselves. That'd be
ridiculous.
Yes. Well, we all make arrangements of some kind.
Well, no, there's no art to it. You know, it's like the New Year celebrations. They
don't just line them all up and do matches. It's a whole choreography to it.
I have your wallet.
It was a nice display. Did you have a lot of people over then or what was the...
No, that was just for me.
Oh, it was just for you. Just some solo fireworks.
Yeah.
And you allowed all of us to enjoy it. And very...
Well, I mean, the sky's for everyone.
Sir, could you open your key? I have your wallet.
Well, the sky is, I guess. Yes.
Commander, I had a clear visual on our stabber.
Sir?
Waiting for confirmation to take the shot.
The issue I have though is that when you let off fireworks and not too bothered about
the noise, I don't have any kids. I do have a dog, but he's deaf. So, you know, fireworks
don't really bother him.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah, it's a terrible accident.
Sir, could you open your gate?
But whenever the fireworks go off, you know the wee sticks that they're attached to fall
out of the sky and a load of them have landed in my garden.
He's aggressive. He's trying to climb a fence.
I don't have the strength to climb your gate, sir.
Oh, he fell.
Oh, okay. Well, you can keep them if you want.
No, no, I don't want the rubbish, but they are yours.
Oh, I'll help to collect them. They have great resale value.
Oh, really?
Oh, yes. Yeah. They're resistant, obviously.
Well, I suppose they've been blown up once.
Oh, multiple times.
But you reused them.
Yes. I'm so sorry. The trajectory must have been off. They usually land back in my garden.
Oh, so you plan it to that extent?
Absolutely. It's a night.
Okay. Very, very nice. Is there any other occasions of the year where you let off fireworks?
Just so I can be prepared.
Well, last weekend of the month is payday, so I usually do that.
Okay.
Moments day, my birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Halloween.
What date's your birthday?
The 31st of December.
So you combine that and New Year's Eve?
Well, I do my fireworks birthday during the day.
Day fireworks and then the evening ones for your...
Yes, that's for New Year's. Yeah.
I just want to go to the hospital.
And you say payday as well?
Well, you know, you've got to treat yourself.
Do you have any money left after the fireworks every month? Like this must cost a lot plus
the holidays. So you maybe...
Oh, I skipped the holidays for the fireworks.
Oh, right. Okay.
You've got to treat one for the other, you know.
Right.
We're all tightening our belts here.
Yeah, it costs 11 crisis and all that.
That's really rough.
Yeah.
I mean, I was asked why the fireworks display was a wee bit meager, but the dark nights
highlight is a bit more.
Exactly. Yes. I can tell you're an artist, but yes, if you just pick up your sticks when
you're done.
That's great.
That would be fine.
I'll just do it.
And the dog won't attack me or anything?
Well, if I'm not in, he might see you. I mean, he's only deaf, but you could sneak around
him.
I just want to go home or to the hospital.
How about I just do it right now while you're here and...
Well, good luck.
You'll be upset if I'm not there.
No, I mean, we go to your house together.
Oh, okay.
It's just that every time I walk past your house, your dog just jumps out like the window
and scowls and...
Oh, he's gearing up to throw something.
Why, just throw it.
I think, yeah, it's all the bright lights, I think, of the fireworks. He doesn't hear
them, but he can't see them.
Oh, okay.
So, yeah.
What if I fillet a sign your dog then?
Well, he's deaf, so there's not much he can do about that.
Sir!
Hello and welcome to the Big Cave.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi, folks.
My name is Jim.
I will be your Big Cave tour guide.
Hi, I'm Nick.
Sorry?
I'm Nick.
Hi.
I'm Samuel.
Nick and Samuel.
Hi.
You two are the only people on the Big Cave tour today.
That's very exciting, Nick.
I booked a day off work for this.
This is great.
That's great.
Well, you've got the whole run of the Big Cave.
Can we run?
No, you must not run.
Okay.
I have to go over some rules, Nick.
And what was your name again?
Samuel.
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.
My name is Jim.
Jim.
That's a lovely name, Jim.
Wish I could see you, but...
Is it short for anything?
No.
Okay.
Samuel is long for Sam.
Nick is just Nick.
It's Nickafee.
Oh, wow.
Sorry, Nick.
That's all right.
Go by Nick.
Okay.
That's great, then.
Excellent.
We're all friends now.
No running in the Big Cave.
I'm sorry I asked.
No flash photography in the Big Cave.
What about torches or anything?
I will get to that shortly.
No torches in the Big Cave.
No external, artificial or imaginary light at all in the Big Cave.
Nick, shut off your imaginary light.
I know you're thinking about it.
How is this police?
They'll know.
They'll just know.
Okay.
I won't think of it.
I'll just think of an already bright place.
That'll do.
There will be no opportunity for you to go backwards in the Big Cave.
You must only go forwards.
That's exciting.
The cave is in a loop.
That makes sense.
Because we've parked our car here.
I was worried.
In other words, under no circumstances, stop moving in the Big Cave.
But don't run.
Don't run.
Don't stop moving.
Question, Jim.
Yes?
What happens if we stop moving?
He'll get to that.
Don't interrupt him.
Thank you very much, Nick.
It seemed like that was the end of the rules.
I'm sorry.
I felt like there was more.
Are we listening?
I'm listening.
This is very important safety information to the Big Cave.
I'm listening.
I can't see you so my hearing is real strong right now.
Please don't remove this.
I don't want to get kicked off another tour.
I'm not going to.
If you break any of the rules, you will be kicked off the tour.
So if we stop?
Yes.
We'll be kicked off the tour.
Correct.
Well, Adam, how do we get kicked off the tour?
Well, we have to go backwards.
You must never go backwards.
Come on.
He just said that.
So getting kicked off the tour leads to finishing the tour sooner than normal.
So you have to run.
No, you must move quicker than you would if you were normally on the tour.
Like a light, like Olympic walking.
Whatever you think, Samuel.
I thought there was going to be like some like a shark or something that would eat you
if you stop moving.
No, we're landlocked here in the Big Cave.
That's good to know.
You keep interrupting him.
Sorry.
Are you finished?
The tour has not begun yet.
The tour has now begun.
Start moving and don't stop, but don't run.
Oh God.
Okay.
That's so many instructions.
Put your hands out in front of you.
Do I look back?
Don't look back.
Don't keep moving.
That's it.
To your left is part of the Big Cave.
Can you see anything?
No, but you can feel it.
To the right is more of the Big Cave.
Touch the rock.
Oh, what's wrong?
But don't stop to enjoy it.
Oh no.
It's very slimy.
Keep moving.
Mine wasn't.
There are bats above you.
Don't look up.
Oh God.
Okay.
Did he look up?
I think he looked up.
Don't ruin this.
I almost looked up.
Keep moving.
Okay.
I think we must be.
There is a chasm.
Oh God.
To left and right.
Oh God.
Don't look.
Oh yeah.
Don't move left and right.
Keep moving.
Should I put one foot in front of the other, like a tripwire?
Stop in the center of the path.
He said to never stop.
I'm walking in the spot.
I'm keeping moving.
Good.
That was the test.
He is technically still moving, even if he is on the spot.
Phew.
That was close.
Keep going.
Move.
Don't run.
Not too quick.
No.
You have reached the end of the tour.
Oh.
Wow.
And you're now back where you began.
Oh, that was.
That was great.
Incredible.
I love that.
Welcome to the tour of the big cave.
No, we just.
Yeah, shut up.
I want to do it again.
You just did the tour.
I just.
There are rules in the big cave while you're on the tour.
Is this an infinite loop?
Don't.
You interrupted him.
Always keep walking while on the tour.
I'm Samuel.
Hello, Samuel.
What is your name?
My name's Jim.
You told us that at the last tour.
No, but I.
Does he not remember us?
No.
He's being polite.
Flash photography on the tour.
No artificial, natural or imaginary light on the tour.
I want to go home.
Oh no.
What's happened, Nick?
I thought of a flashlight.
Nick?
I.
Oh no.
Nick is late.
There will be no going home.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conneth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter, you can follow
us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Marcus Keely, Laura Conlon, Drew Henry, Ger Donley,
Ciaran Sands, Christine Clark, Mark Henry and Kevin Johnston.
The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon.
You can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening.
We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.