Snap.
Crackle.
Pop.
Fuck.
Ha ha, Davey.
Who's the slow at our game?
Let's do another one.
Uey.
It's not a game.
Hooey.
I take this serious, okay?
Wait, did you say hooey or?
Oh, you did?
I can't trust any of you guys.
It was meant to be Uey, Dewey, and Louie.
I knew it should have been Duck Tales.
I didn't know what you were going for.
I wasn't going to say anything.
That's why I started on the tirade.
Do take this pretty seriously though.
Look, I know you're dying a lot of money.
I'll be honest.
Like, it's not looking good for you for the night, but.
I'm taking my shoes off.
We're not going to take your shoes.
Oh no, we're going to take your shoes.
We're going to take your shoes?
We're going to take your goddamn shoes.
Sorry, buddy.
You're the one who set them on the table.
I thought it was just.
I mean, there's a chance I can get them back, right?
No, don't even think about it.
We're two in sync.
Except they're not.
That didn't count.
Okay, you know what?
If you have something else to put on the table, we're willing to go again.
All I have left is my dignity.
I'm not even sure if I've got that anymore.
I'm willing to take his dignity.
Okay, I feel accepted.
I'm going to take his dignity.
I'm just going to lie on there.
That's okay.
That's fine.
It's fine.
Doh.
Ray.
E.
Uh.
So.
La?
E.
Doh?
Hey, did you say fee?
What?
I heard fee.
What was it supposed to be?
T.
I heard that.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Go on to the next one.
I don't know.
There's no next one.
Oh, I guess you lost.
I guess we'll just be dragging you, putting you on our boat.
We're going to strap him to the front of our boat.
We did lose the mermaid.
Yeah, yeah.
We're going to keel haul him.
That's what you get for losing.
That's how you lose your dignity.
Hey, but you can wear the shoes whilst you're being keel hauled.
They're filthy shoes.
None of us want them.
It sounds like a pretty respectable position ahead of the ship.
Yeah, you would have a good life.
It doesn't sound like it loses my dignity at all.
I mean, you're getting battered by waves.
You're the first line of defense.
Well, you know, I have just been getting battered by life in the past couple of years,
so I've had to buy a lot of shoes, a lot of shoes.
One day they'll come back to me.
I'll find a way.
They're going to the ocean, man.
Oh, we're going to go to the ocean, right?
Whenever I'm key holed up there.
Isn't that it?
Key holed?
That's it.
Like old time pirates.
Welcome back to Dunracken.
So Stuart, this is the third potential location for your mini golf business for showing you today.
It is the train station.
Huh?
Disused 15 years, no chance of actual trains coming through.
This is looking good.
I'm thinking I could do something really exciting here.
I'm thinking those that big bridge that goes to top that could be a hole on its own.
I mean, what we're talking six holes.
Oh, no, this is I want to fully at teen.
I want to.
This is mini golf.
This isn't small golf.
This is mini golf.
I want professionals coming here to train their skill so that they can eventually get into.
I don't know if there's a professional league, but if there was, I want them coming here to perfect their skills.
Just to try and get a feel for the place.
I did get Sean, who does alone in the parish green, to come and have a look.
How are you getting on?
Oh, hey, Sean.
Are you looking to buy this?
Yeah, with your expertise, do you think I could just carpet this all in fake grass or real grass?
If you do it with fake grass, you put me out of a job.
That's true.
That's one of the issues that I have here, actually, you know, you're looking to what do you call it?
Regenerate revitalize.
Yes.
Regentrify or or indeed gentrify.
Trying to stay away from that.
Well, that's the opinion that we're all getting here.
That what's wrong with a disused train station?
Well, no one's using this.
I was hoping to buy it changing into a mini golf.
You like golf?
You like mini golf, Sean?
I like golf.
What about making it smaller, less walking, just potting?
I like to walk.
You know where I like to walk most?
Round the disused train station here.
Families from far and wide come to look.
Oh, no, you won't be able to walk around it once once we're done.
We'll have fences around the whole thing.
Keep out any vagrants.
Going to charge for admission.
You were thinking maybe 1250.
Yeah, 1250, a senior discount of maybe.
No offense.
Eleven.
That's OK. I know what age I am.
And I'm old enough to remember boys like you coming around years ago.
You came around and you just went, you know what we're going to do?
We're going to put a hospital here.
And I was first up the hill to say, no, there'd be none of that.
Because you know what?
That hill, people walk around that hill.
Families from far and wide come round to walk and look at that.
Well, admittedly, a hospital on the hill wasn't probably isn't the smartest idea.
No, the ambulances couldn't get up.
People kept falling out of the back of them and rolling down the hill,
which was the whole point I was making.
Ten times worse, but they plowed on ahead.
Exactly.
And I look at how many people down in the hospital.
Every day, people are down in that hospital.
And outside of it, rolling away.
Aye, half of them are in the river.
And that's where you'll be if you think you're going to go ahead with this mini golf or golf course
or whatever the fuck it is you're on about.
The old boathouse we did see there.
No, no, no, I'm not ready to just get rid of this now.
I'm still like, look at this tiled floor.
Look how good that would feel on a spongy little classic fake grass.
I was talking to the pastor the other day and he is saying he really likes that grass.
He was thinking of using it for the church itself.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Just why even have grass?
That's what he was saying.
It would make it a lot easier.
Imagine for a plot of land there, you could just cut a square out,
lift that right out, throw the body in, cover it again in the square and you're done.
You boys better watch what you're doing.
You're going to put me out.
You're talking about Minecraft burial here.
I don't understand what's going on.
We're talking about replacing all the grass with nice fake.
Well, it's not fake. It's real.
I mean, it does exist.
It's not fake news.
Well, yeah, that's true.
Like it has a form.
I'll give it that.
I don't like this stuff, but I'll give it that.
Too many young, sprightly wee dogs running across that fake grass in the overheating today.
Who buries them?
Me.
But I can't dig in because it's all fake.
So I have to throw them over the hill.
Oh, is that what that pile up is?
Aye, it's causing havoc for the hospital.
I said that would happen.
It was our first place before the boathouse.
We went to the bottom of the hill and it was just covered in dogs.
It was. There was a lot of dogs.
That's kind of what put us off the smell of the dogs.
But it's good to know that that's where they're coming from, at least.
But if we could stop what's happening with the dogs in the first place, the boathouse is maybe another option.
That's true. Yeah, that's not going to work.
Why?
I'll tell you for a while.
Don't preempt me.
Very disrespectful, this young buck coming in here, even from around here.
No, I'm not.
Exactly. So you don't know anything.
So listen, the boathouse, it's going to be a no go.
Look, I get a lot of money.
So what?
Professionals are going to come.
I've got a lot of dead dogs.
Is this a competition of some sort?
The boathouse isn't going to work.
You know why?
Tell me why.
I will.
That's where I put the cats.
Dead cats go there.
Then the fish, they come up and eat the cats as a revenge.
Because that's what we call right here the circle of life, my friend.
And that's what you're going to experience soon.
All right.
So you take your mini golf, your tiny golf, whatever it is, and you go away on somewhere else where they want it.
I don't want it here.
What about the old post office?
I could try the old post office.
Yeah.
That'd be no bother.
I'll take the postman.
Well, we're ready to set sail, I guess.
Like old time pirates.
I don't think I'm strapped in properly.
It feels like I'm kind of loose up front here.
One small wave.
Sorry, are you a pirate or are you a man who's been keelhauled?
He hasn't been keelhauled yet.
That's the start of the process.
Sorry.
I know we're usually in sync.
Should have just taken your lead, sorry.
That's all right.
I don't know how to tie a knot.
Really, you tie the knot.
I think we switch for holes here.
Yeah, that's what's happened.
Do you want to tie the knot?
Okay, yeah, you take the wheel and I'll just tie him up.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Okay.
Maybe don't put that around my neck.
It seems very tight.
It's the safest place for it.
Would it not be around my rib cage?
You want whiplash?
Your neck is going to get broken if I don't tie this around your neck and keep you sturdy.
Okay.
You have your best interests at heart.
Yeah.
Can I hear your shoes?
Why are they smaller than they were?
It's barely even fit me now.
Look, we thought it might be good to wash them, but clearly it wasn't.
They shrunk immediately.
The rubber, it's just, they don't go in the dryer.
We learned that.
Okay.
I do feel kind of exposed even though the only thing I've got on is my shoes.
Well, hey, here, you can have this spy glass.
You can look out for danger.
We are going to tie your hands back, but...
Keep it in your mouth.
Okay.
I'll offer all of you a service of danger.
What are you saying?
Don't talk with your mouth full.
Did your parents teach you nothing?
This is why mom and dad put me in charge.
Billy's always been the one in charge.
He knows what's best.
Did you eat some of the spy glass?
Don't swallow that.
Cough that up.
Cough that up right now.
I can't take you anywhere.
Stop swallowing more.
Unbelievable.
Embarrassment.
Well, now we have to take them off the hull.
Hold on.
This song.
Siren song.
Oh.
I think the fish are coming towards us.
Oh, God.
That's a lot of fish.
That's a lot.
It is a lot of fish.
We are not ready for this amount of fish.
Stop it, fish.
Stop biting that.
Okay.
I'm just going to start grabbing these.
Yeah, I think that makes sense.
I'll go get that.
Oh, no.
I understand we're docked, but that is a big-ass ship that's coming in here.
It can't attack us while we're docked, right?
I mean, I think it will do anything to get home.
This song's too appealing.
Okay, okay.
Okay, we're sorry.
We're sorry.
Davey?
I got the scales wrong.
I'll admit it.
You're the one with the musical talents.
Davey, Davey, if you stop singing, we'll give you back your violin.
Ow.
Nothing new.
I don't know.
Why did you just slap me?
I don't want to give him back the violin.
You could have just said that instead of slapping me.
I'm not going back there.
I don't want to have to explain why putting a sausage roll into two pieces of bread and
upselling it by 150 pennies, that's scandalous again.
So that shop is dead to me and I'm not returning.
I don't care that it has the best butchers in town.
And rightly so.
People think we are fucked.
That's not on.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Oh, it's tough.
Sometimes I think that just because I'm a Satanist, people think that I'm inhumane.
And that's not how it is.
There's too much bread in a sausage roll already.
You don't have more bread to it.
I mean, it's positively unholy, but it doesn't mean that that's what you like all the time.
Exactly.
Yeah.
I mean, on the on the odd day, I might enjoy just a regular sausage roll or sausage back
and sometimes I might like the person serving it to me to spit in it.
And that's just the way that I like it.
But it's upon your request.
Exactly.
You don't want to turn up and there's there's 10 sausage rolls, but they're all inside two
slices of bread.
Like you don't want the option.
But they pre-bread it.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you.
That's the biggest point of my week anyway.
It makes all of us all fellow acolytes a lot better that we have these these struggles
day to day.
I have another food related issue that I have.
Oh, it's a tough week for us all.
It's not been good.
I went to see a film and I went to pick and mix the evilest of all the things that you
could get there.
You know it.
Right Markup.
Yeah, it's it's very expensive.
It's been soiled by people's spawn.
So many grimy child hands.
Exactly.
Cinema pick and mix different to Woolworth's pick and mix.
Long live Woolworth's.
They're with the Lord now, the Underlord.
And the pick and mix that I wanted, I could pick, but I could not mix.
The variety was terrible.
You never want to just have a tub of strawberries, you know?
It was nowhere near infernal.
And I had a big problem with that.
Did you go to the manager?
Did you speak up or?
The manager just wouldn't give me the time, wouldn't understand the concerns that I had.
And I missed the first 10 minutes of Mamma Mia 2.
Here we go again.
But I think that's good for you speaking up.
You've had a problem with putting yourself first.
So I think that's a real step in the right direction, you know?
Thank you.
I'm really proud of you.
Is it Michael?
Yeah, I didn't want to.
Well, if you don't have any grievances, you don't have to.
But I mean, is someone related to yours?
I know we don't support the buttress anymore, but is it OK if I still get my blood from
there?
Well, no, I'm personally saying that I'm not going there.
You are all free of your own volition.
I stand with you.
I'm not going back.
And I appreciate that.
But I mean, he gives it for free.
So I'll be honest, I feel a wee bit awkward going around to various shops and asking if
they have spare blood.
No, you've got a relationship with that butcher.
I understand.
Do you pay for it?
No, it's free.
It's free.
Then it's no skin off his back.
It's no skin off my back.
So yeah, so I'm OK to keep doing that.
Yes.
We need to draw our pentagrams and something, you know, so we're not going to turn away
free blood.
Like, come on now.
Yeah, yeah.
And I've got loads of it today.
So.
Yeah.
And how are you storing it?
Oh, empty milk jugs.
Yeah.
Reuse, recycle.
Yeah.
You got to look after the planet.
Yeah.
People certainly aren't.
So, you know.
Yeah.
You know, I want to see help and I die not beforehand.
You keeping that in a fridge?
How long can you keep that before it turns?
I keep it in a fridge if I have space.
So I don't know.
I think if it clots, we just stirred a bit.
Like gravy, you know.
Yeah.
You know, you get a bit of a skin at the top.
Yeah.
Well, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going back to the butcher's.
So I'm not going to fill up the blood.
No, I think it's OK.
OK, I got a big box of celebrations to give him as a thanks.
I won't do that now.
That seems like a fair compromise.
Yeah.
What's the ratio like in that box?
Like how many Mars is there?
Milky Way is.
I haven't opened it yet, but I give it a wee rattle and I don't feel good about it.
Maybe I should give it to him.
Does it seem too dint?
You can tell by sound to be fair.
You know, there's not enough Malteser teasers in there.
It sounds like 90% fudge.
Ah, what's even the point then?
Yeah, do give it to him.
OK, I'll give it to him.
Yeah, that's me.
I wanted to bring this up as well at some point, just before we end the meeting.
Are we going for that orgy?
Is it this weekend or next following weekend following?
I understand why.
It's because it's the fifth weekend of the month and that has confused a lot of people.
Usually we're like, oh, it's the last weekend, but the fifth weekend.
We were talking about that.
I think I'd set up a Google calendar reminder and I put it on the wrong day.
Hey, that's on me.
Maybe it happens, don't hold yourself too high of a standard, you know.
We will need blood for that though.
This is the other thing that I'm sort of circling back around to with your issue.
Again, I'm fine with anyone getting blood from the butchers.
If acolyte Jeff wants to provide.
I've got like six liters.
If you can get another two by the.
Yeah, drop in the chocolates, drop in the fudge.
Drop in the chocolate.
Get some more blood.
OK, gotcha.
You know what?
I can live with the sausage roll issue if it means we can get blood.
OK, now I wouldn't be able to refrigerate all of that.
That's fine.
OK.
So just off your point about what weekend will the venue still know that we're at the
correct weekend?
And do they know we're Satanists?
They do not know we're Satanists, but I don't think we double.
They know it's an orgy.
Yes.
They just don't know it's a Satanist orgy.
Right.
Because the last time the last place had a bit of an issue, once they found out it was
a Satanist orgy.
We might not get a deposit back.
Just raising that.
If we're all OK with that, I'm fine with that.
No, we've all put in for the deposit.
Expect that we won't get it back anyway.
Yeah.
We'll just put it in.
Maybe it'll be a nice little gift at the end of the orgy.
We're like, oh, well, as treasure, we're not going to be if we lose the deposit, we're
not claiming that back.
So just putting that out there and just double check.
We also have plus ones, right?
I'm buying one yet.
Yeah.
OK, but I could get someone.
I'll find someone.
No, that's great.
No, it's just I was talking to someone at work.
They're interested.
Oh, nice.
Do they have any friends?
I am struggling.
I don't want too many work people there.
That's fair enough.
I understand.
I will keep searching.
Yeah, no, no, no.
I didn't want to shut down so quickly.
It's better that I know so I don't think that you're bringing one and then I look like an
idiot.
Yeah, you know, and then at some point I bring too many people from the apartment.
It feels like a work out and then I got to find others.
Then there's the rest of us just they're having their own.
They're talking about day to day stuff.
And Jeff, can I ask them so they know what's a orgy?
Do they know it's a Santa story?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, they have a big fridge.
I could refrigerate the blood that there's nice.
One of those like American double door ones.
Yeah, they've got ice as well.
Nice.
So should we get on with someone in this demon then?
Well, if we have time.
Yeah, I think we should.
Yeah, we'll go for it.
All right.
Trevor, that steak you made this evening was absolutely out of this world.
So it was freshly killed, freshly butchered.
It's beautiful model.
You keep it all in the house.
It's all the one production line.
Is that right?
That's right.
The cow that you saw earlier today on your way in.
The one that you pointed out to us as we drove in?
The one that I said, be sure to look out on your left now at that cow.
Wow.
Well, the trick is that's the cow yet to know.
I thought you were just being a little weird, Trevor, but.
No.
Wow.
It's all part of an artistic review that I was doing.
A bit of foreshadowing, Trevor, from you.
It was lovely stuff.
And the Bernays sauce was particularly delightful.
Has that come from the cow as well?
That's right.
It's come.
It's his lymph fluid.
Goodness gracious.
That's delightful.
And I'm not sure if you noticed what you've been sitting on this evening.
Oh, let me just stand up and look what my buttocks has been placed upon here.
You get right out of the door, Trevor.
Those are his bones.
Trevor.
Bone stools.
Bones.
Lovely.
And you're just getting in the mood for Halloween much too early.
Yeah, that's amazing.
I really was wondering where the leather was going.
I thought the big reveal was leather, but.
No, it's the bones.
You keep doing it to us.
You keep tricking us.
There's no time for tan leather and tan lips.
Fair enough.
Well, that's fair enough.
Right, Trevor, what have you got ready for dessert?
I hope it's going to be as delightful and mesmerizing as the evening has been so far.
And I can't help but notice that you did point out a rooster to us on our way in.
But maybe that was just a rooster.
It's because you're a massive cunt.
Trevor, Trevor, you're abscallion.
Absolute cunt.
What do you like?
What is for dessert then?
No, come on now, Trevor.
I hope you like jelly.
Jelly die bowl.
Trevor.
He's not saying anything.
That's good.
OK, the ship did just turn around.
It did a very quick one, Eddie.
That was impressive.
And I wish our ship was that fast.
We're never going to be that fast.
We're never going to leave this dock.
Probably not.
Untie me.
What?
Untie me.
Untie.
He wants us to untie him.
Yeah.
I'm giving him a very long.
I don't know what he says.
I'm giving him a very long.
Spit out the spyglass, Davey.
I want my violin.
He wants his violin.
OK.
How about this?
How about you be the person in charge of the crew's morale?
Crash the ship.
No.
Crash the ship.
We can't leave dock.
There's a massive hole in the hull.
This ship has now been seaworthy.
It's pretty crash, really.
Look, I'll admit it.
Your singing was the first time we caught fish in a long time.
Can you sing for like 17 seconds, enough for us to get fish and to stop that ship coming
back?
You know what?
We should probably get a net.
Oh, that's a good idea.
I can check Mr. Johnson's shed.
I think we're grown adults.
We can buy our own net.
We can keep going to Mr. Johnson.
With what?
He has all the supplies we need and he never leaves his house.
So his shed's just sitting landlocked on its own.
I don't like relying on that man.
It just, we're meant to be independent.
We are independent.
We're not independent.
We're dependent on each other.
Yeah, you're not independent.
We're dependent on Mr. Johnson.
No, we're just dependent on his shed.
We keep stealing soup from the shed.
I think he puts it out there.
He puts it out there for us to find.
That's not true.
He just happens to set it outside in a treal.
It's piping hot.
That could be the sun.
It's been an awfully warm winter.
Oh, it's definitely warm.
He's warm as hell.
Guys, come on.
You know what?
Oh!
I'm going to go and get him and perhaps you should tell yourself that.
What?
My shoe?
Yeah.
What's the shoe in the water?
I do not understand what he's saying.
I don't know what the fuck you're saying.
What's the shoe in the water?
Is he talking about Jonah in the whale?
I don't know.
Oh, his shoe.
Yes, it's too small.
Sorry buddy.
But hey, look, look.
I changed my mind.
Leave him up there.
I can't put up with that.
Well, I'm going to Mr. Johnson's.
I hear it's chicken and mushroom.
So you meant he's making the soup.
No, I just know that there's chicken and mushroom on the board.
I passed it this morning.
Board?
Yeah, the board that says what it's going to be tomorrow.
You know what?
I'm going to take that up on his offer and I'm going to go work in the butcher shop.
I can't do this anymore.
We're never going to be sailors.
Are you going to tie me?
You don't know what he's saying.
I'm just going to leave him up there for the night.
Text us.
Okay.
Sir, do you have any information on Count Wow, nutshell man?
I do.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conleth McVeigh. For more information
on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter, you can follow us at Dunbracken
Pod on Instagram. This episode featured Patrick Meier, Marcus Keeley, Laura Conlon, Gerard
Donnelly and Aaron Marshall. The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon
and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dumbraken very soon.