Welcome back to Dunbracken.
You did say 20, right?
Up to 20.
But like, I spent 20.
I don't think...
Well don't say that then people can figure out who you gifted.
I'm about to hand it, so I feel like...
Because I just...
Oh I thought it was completely anonymous, so they'll know who...
They'll know...
Wait, I don't know now, I assumed...
I thought we were just putting labels on them, putting them in a bag, leave it somewhere,
and then collect them, and then no one knows who got who.
Leave it somewhere, there's four of us.
I thought we were all going to sit in a circle and hand...
No?
So even though it's Secret Center, we're going to know who got who, why.
That's the whole point, it's like a reveal now.
Really?
This is how we did it in school.
Okay, I didn't know that.
We always kept it completely secret, but that's fine.
Well I'm happy to reveal.
Alex, I got you.
I didn't have the money, it's tied up in a couple things, but I spent 20 minutes thinking
about you.
Like, you know, embodying you, imagining what it's like to be like you.
Is everything okay?
Excuse me?
Is everything okay?
I went down some dark paths over those 20 minutes, it felt like a life sign.
Fair question, Alex.
You meditated?
As my Christmas present?
As you, for your Christmas present.
I thought it would maybe bring us a bit closer, but I kind of, like I want to check in on
you, but it's kind of made me want to be more distant to you as well.
Like, you know, walking past the primary school, hearing the kids jeer at you.
There they go, the one with the nose.
To be fair, it sounds like you did a pretty good job.
Oh well, before the meditation, I kind of just like followed you around from a distance.
We could have been hanging out, Kyle.
No, that's not the point.
I just wanted to see what it was like to be you without any interference.
Yeah, that would have been 20 minutes with you, not 20 minutes as you.
It wasn't good.
Well, I got your gift.
I mean, I thought it was anonymous, but.
You better know I've got 20 minutes of meditation with me because I will fucking hate that.
I know it's more than 20 pounds for that, but here you go.
It's the first draft of my novel.
Oh, cool.
Oh, it's large print font.
Thank you.
You know me.
You know me pretty well.
Yeah, yeah.
It's dedicated to you as well.
I didn't realize there was a period piece.
The milkmaid entered the chamber.
It was locked.
That's great.
She waited for 20 minutes.
And then it's just blank for the next like four or five pages.
You're reading too quickly.
How can she enter the chamber if it's also locked?
Oh, good point.
Good.
That's an editorial.
Is that notes?
That's the first draft.
I thought that was cryptic on purpose.
I thought that was really nice.
You have to read it to find out.
Yeah.
Oh, OK.
Don't let it to him.
I need your residuals.
Did you check the back of this?
Because I think you ran out.
It starts to feed.
Again, editorial choice.
Oh, well, thanks.
Yeah, no, that's I'm open to notes as a first draft.
And obviously, well, I got you for it.
OK.
And I know it's the last time you were at my house, you were commenting a lot on my
mother's earn.
So I got a replica of it made under 20 pound and I put half of my mom in there for you.
And that makes sense because I kept saying that looks really cheap.
It was.
You were like, yeah, I think.
Well, OK.
So I had thought you were saying cheap in a positive way.
Maybe I should have let you unwrap it, I guess.
Sorry.
I'll give you the first draft of this novel if I can have the actual earn with the other
half.
You didn't give me a gift.
I thought about you.
And now I don't want to be with you.
Honestly, that's maybe the best gift of the we've all.
Well, I've wrote a novel.
You wrote six words.
There's more at the end.
You ran out of ink.
I didn't mean to sheen people or anything like that.
I was just 18 pounds.
Except for what you did.
I what?
OK, just a question to the group.
Do you feel like I've been shamed for the work that I put in?
It seemed like, yeah, I think you maybe put in the most work.
Yet it's not like good enough.
I didn't mean that sort of shame.
I'm just hurt.
Oh, well, now you know each other in a more deeper emotional level.
OK, if you followed me around for so long, did you see what I bought for Neil?
Did you see my eyes for that point?
I didn't want to like you because you didn't know because you saw that she was obviously
buying something.
So it could have been for you.
So that's a good idea.
Well, I was going to say I didn't want to shame people because I went three times over
budget.
Can't do that though.
I wanted to, Neil.
No, but that makes me feel bad.
Yeah, but it's it's a fancy cheese grater.
What makes it fancy?
It's 5G.
Can you not see it?
It's a foot and a half long.
And it's 5G.
I feel like the 5G is almost more important than the...
Is this what my phone is supposed to connect to every time I turn on Bluetooth?
You can grate so much cheese because it's a foot and a half.
I'm lactose intolerant.
There's vegan cheese.
You can shred tofu.
Why would I do that?
So you can make tofu.
But you've already got tofu.
What?
You'd shred the tofu to make tofu?
This is like the novel again.
Oh, the novel's got layers.
It applies to life.
How could you open a door that's locked?
Wow.
Don't try and analyze a novel you haven't read.
The foot and a half has 5G and it also has party lights on the inside.
I don't want that.
It was 62 pounds.
See this is the thing.
Where am I going to put it?
It's not going to fit in my cupboard.
This is the thing.
Whenever I realized what gift it was, I was like, this is horrible.
So you did look.
I didn't look.
I saw what it was afterwards.
I saw Alex really badly wrap it.
In fairness, it's tough to wrap a cheese grater.
Any friction tears that wrapping off.
I'm surprised you didn't guess from how many plasters are on my hands.
Well, we can't see what's below the plasters.
It's obviously cuts.
What are you talking about?
Okay.
I vote that next year we don't reveal who bought what.
I think next year we just give each other 20 pounds each.
I feel like I'm the only one that followed the rules.
I can assure you my novel cost 20 pounds to print.
Yeah.
And because of the size of the font, that took up most of the ink.
It's really more for novella usually.
Yeah.
I'm going to take this home and have a little think about it.
Can I leave the cheese grater in the office?
Please do.
I have so much cheese to grace.
Well happy Christmas.
Fuck you.
Come in child.
Hello, Santa.
Hello there.
Santa, I know what I want for Christmas.
Wonderful.
Sit on my lap.
Okay, Santa.
You're a small one.
I know.
I know I am.
And I got bullied for my size and for my voice.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I hadn't even.
I want you to fix my voice.
You want me to.
That's what I want for Christmas.
I could give you a pair of high heels.
No Santa.
I really need that.
I need you to fix my voice.
Okay.
What age are you?
Four.
You're four?
Yeah.
All right.
Here's what I'm going to do.
They've said in my contract.
I'm not allowed to punch children.
I'm not allowed to curse at them and not allowed to hit them.
But if I punch you and you're tricky up to me, if I.
Yes Santa.
If I give you a tracheotomy with my fist, I think we can.
I think if I punch you in your throat, I can cure you.
Okay Santa.
But I won't do it now.
I'll wait till Christmas Eve.
You punch me when I'm sleeping?
Yes.
That's when I strike.
Santa, if you could do it for me, I'd love to have it fixed now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can only work my magic from the hours of midnight to six p.m. on.
As soon as I leave this room, Santa.
On Christmas Day.
Those other kids are going to be bullying me.
Can you help me?
No, I'm sorry.
I cannot help you.
I wish I could.
As soon as I leave this room, those kids are going to kill me.
Okay.
You know what I'm going to.
They shit me that much because they think I'm a freak because of my voice.
You know what I'm going to do?
Why don't you stay in here until six thirty and then me and you, we're going to meet a
little girl and we're going to buy a car from Rudy.
Now Rudy can teach you some things.
He can teach you things like negotiation, like powerful stances, like wearing ties correctly.
Santa, you're gripping me awful tight now.
Listen boy, listen.
Rudy can help you more than I can.
On Christmas Day, I will punch you, but before then, Rudy, Rudy will be your savior.
Now go and get bullied, child.
Wait, here's a Ken doll.
Why is he only partly dressed?
Why is he only wearing shoes?
I can hear them already.
Fine, here's a Lego.
Okay.
Throw it at their feet.
Welcome to the Dunbracken Chamber of Commerce meeting.
Thank you very much for turning up.
Now, we've been looking to try and re-invitalize the town center after all the horrible things
that have happened, which will remain nameless for traumatic reasons.
We are trying to get people in this festive season to spend more money.
Aye.
We propose, as the Chamber of Commerce, to give out gift cards that can be used in a
variety of shops in town.
Now, we can only select a certain amount of shops.
We can't be giving out, you know, 50 quid for every single shop.
You know what I mean?
Right, so do we do our mates first and then...
I think so.
...we do that?
I think that would be the best way to go forward.
Who's a good lad?
Tim, the mechanic, he doesn't get a lot of work at Christmas.
If there were a few more cars in St. Hysway, that'd be nice.
That'd be a nice Christmas gift for Tim.
Aye, you could...
50 quid voucher to use...
Get an oil change or a window tint.
Aye.
No, that's good.
That's good.
I like that idea, David.
That's very nice.
Now, in my electrical store, how much money can I put in to get laundered back out through
this gift card scheme?
Is that what we're talking about?
Yeah, that's not a...
That's a fair question, I think.
That's essentially it, yes.
That's what we're saying.
Yes.
I would...
I'm looking to put a new extension on the house and I need about 30 or 40 grand.
Oh, yes.
This actually brings up a good point.
Before we do all our friends, should we do our own stores first?
Well...
I suppose that...
Was that a given?
Sorry, was that a stupid question?
I think it's important to try, where possible, avoid a paper trail.
Oh, yes, of course.
I don't want to be too obvious about it, but on the other hand, you do want to get things
done.
You don't want to have your child...
Well, I suppose we'll be hidden amongst like 12, 13, 14 stores, you know?
We're just in the middle.
We could look...
No pay attention.
...at all of this.
Now, so you're looking, Stephen, for an extension to be put on your house?
I'm looking at...
The extension is 20 or 30 thousand pounds.
It's gonna get me extension, but I really want to put it through as tax deductible.
So if I can get the business to pay for it, and then if I can get the business to get
the benefits of this other scheme, it is really doing me a favour.
I'd say you could do that, aye.
Seems reasonable.
I mean, for 50, every individual is going to get 50 pounds worth.
So that would... you would have to sell, I don't know, two, one HDMI cable, something
along those lines.
Have you got enough stock for that?
With two or three HDMI cables, sure, we'll keep that many in hand.
And I'm happy enough to go round every house in the town and steal most of the HDMI cables
so suddenly there's a need for them.
I'm happy enough to do that.
Ah, we talked about this before.
Break, don't steal.
Okay, yeah, leave the evidence, of course.
Yep, as a locksmith, I can do that.
I can get in and out, I can break it, easy, they'll never know it was there.
Suddenly, high demand.
Are you considering the notion of locking people out of their houses and then them giving
you the voucher to get back in?
God, you know, I hadn't thought about it, but now you put it in my head, I'd be silly
not to use it.
It's not a problem.
Be silly not to do it.
That way, then, you could...
I could do a full block in a day and I'd...
If you change the locks and then tell them they must have forgotten, you got the locks
changed and brought the wrong key.
And I'd be wanting the solar panels in my house for a while.
You just happen to be in the area changing locks.
Exactly.
Oh, Jesus, there's a wild thing going about.
It's Christmas, you're all over the place.
Ah, you locked yourself out.
It happens to us all.
These are the keys from 10 years ago or not, who knows?
So this probably covers me for my solar panel.
This is a great...
Yeah, I like this initiative.
It's wonderful stuff.
And I, of course, need money to have my face done.
I was a horrible accident.
It's not a bad face.
Ah, now, come on now.
It was a good face, but after the accident, it's no longer.
Yeah, it was a terrible idea to get a chip pan.
It was.
But I was hungry, you know.
Yeah, of course.
And I wanted...
You know what I wanted to make?
The whole point of it was...
Chips.
And I also wanted to make...
I wanted to see what would happen when you put chicken dippers in it.
Ah, of course.
You're an adventurous man, of course.
That makes sense.
I came home from the pub and thought, you know, I'd eaten all the crisps at that point.
Ah, couldn't even make a sandwich with them.
No, no.
And I thought, you know, chicken dippers and chips, sure fuck.
I'll be flying then.
Why not?
And the only thing that was flying was parts of my face onto the ceiling.
Well, I still blame your son for coming in drunk himself and startling you.
That's what I think.
Yeah, because I thought he had died years ago and he came back last year.
Come back drunk.
And the first thing he sees is a vision of me with my head on fire.
Oh, he probably...
You're a man ghost rider from them Nicolas Cage films.
We could get him involved.
Your son or ghost rider?
Both.
I remember being surprised when I found out your son was ghost rider.
I'd be...
Me too.
I thought that's why you thought he was dead.
His head was on fire and I went, well, that's him gone.
And he drove off over the hills.
So a bunch of dippers burnt your face off.
The bastards.
They were delicious, though.
It's the first time I'm hearing this story.
Come back.
It's a very, it's an open, emotional and physical wound.
I knew it happened, but didn't want to ask.
No, but he's a bit of therapy now, you know.
So kids could use the vouchers to get a picture with me with my big burnt head and I could
then go to...
You'd have to take off the woolly hat.
You'd have to have a full head.
You can't hide any part of it.
No, I'll show us warts and all.
Then I'll go off to Zagreb and get my face fixed.
Yeah, that'll be beautiful.
Coming at you live, folks.
We've got the crew of Dunbracken 107.
We've got Matthew over here.
He's the lead sound technician.
Who is the sound?
And then we've got Donald.
He is the audio.
He does like a lot of social media as well.
How's it going, folks?
And then we've got Victor over here.
He is our bodyguard.
Yeah, gotta fight, fight, fight, fight.
The muscle of Dunbracken 105.7.
What's going down?
Honestly, he's a really good script writer as well.
Anything written?
It's by Victor over there.
But I don't need credit for it.
Protecting you and writing for you is good enough for me.
And it's just great to have a chance to do the audio and keep the levels leveling.
I mean, I'd be nothing without you guys.
Your sound design is top notch.
And I'm sorry I've never said that into a microphone for you to then hear.
Thanks.
Yeah, because honestly, if it's not through my headset, I don't really pay attention to
it.
I don't think I've ever said this before.
Yeah, you're really good at your job.
Thank you.
Yeah, I mean, sound's all I know.
Honestly, it's actually really great that you said that.
I've been questioning myself.
You can cry if you want.
It's fine.
You can cry.
We like real emotion here.
I mean, if I just like live this for our Instagram.
Oh, great.
That's good.
Let me get in there.
Just as long as Santa's not watching.
Let me get in there.
Hey, guys.
Hey, uh, Dunbracken 105.7 social media.
We're here having a real moment with one of our crew.
Welcome to the camera.
Hey, hello.
Is this good?
Fans are going to love that.
No, it's really nice to see that.
Social media is pretty good, too.
Social media.
Let's not forget this guy.
James, James, yeah, no.
I put in a lot of work, like, you know.
Yeah, I've, um, it's just, it's nice to be real in these Christmas times as well.
You know, it's like it is a time for sharing and family time, you know.
Tell me one thing you've all been thankful for this year.
I've been pretty thankful for just, um, for the new headset that we got in the office.
It's pretty good.
Thank you for our sponsors at Raycon.
Last year, I didn't get to crack any skulls this year.
Up to four, which was higher than my expectation of one.
Yeah, it's really, really good.
Real thankful for that.
Thank you to our sponsors at Benny's Baseball Bats.
It's good.
It's almost like they knocked it out of the park this year.
Donald.
Could I write that down for him to say?
Yeah, please.
I think that would be better.
Yeah.
I'm always really impressed by the hashtags you put in.
Victor, it's almost like you knocked it out of the park this year.
It did sound better in his voice.
That's why he's the one.
I'm not jealous.
Could you cut that out of the first time Donald said it?
No offense, Donald.
I don't care.
I'm happy enough videoing and getting all the followers and putting in all the work
to make you look good and getting none of the credit because I don't actually want any
of the credit.
That's so good.
That really suits me quite well.
Yeah.
Just three guys putting you on a pedestal, Roger.
I think honestly, the realness in your voice is really coming through well.
I think this is one of the best recordings you've done.
Thank you.
I'll still pay you for this as well, of course.
That's good.
Oh, shades are getting paid.
Shades.
I actually didn't hit record.
I'm so sorry.
This whole time, this whole time that we've been doing this for 10 minutes.
Basically, no.
When we got called in, I was talking on the words.
Stop talking.
I've been here on the street with the public.
No, we got Santa.
Stop talking.
With the public for 10 minutes, I've been indirectly, I almost got attacked.
No, we got that.
It's just whenever you were being nice.
We also recorded that bit where once I realized I hit record again.
We can get rid of that bit.
Oh, okay.
That bit.
No, we don't need that.
We don't need that bit.
I thought we were live.
I've been rolling.
We're on the ground.
Should I smash the phone?
I feel like I'll just take, give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Victor, can you smash Donald, please?
Donald, come here.
Come here.
Not again.
Well, that's another successful Roger on the street.
Look what you're making me do, Donald.
We'll catch you next time here on Dun & Bracken 105.7.
Happy holidays wherever you are, whatever you celebrate.
We love you here and till next year.
Sorry.
Well, well, well.
Look who jingled all the way over here.
That's my favorite customer, the Klausmeister, Chris Kringle.
How are you doing?
Hello, Rudy.
Oh, and who are those two little ones you brought with you?
Well, these two.
This is Marco and Juliet.
Hi.
I'm four years old.
Oh, sure you are.
Do you want a wee toy car to play with?
No, actually.
I think that was for me.
You can have one too.
I've got plenty to go around.
No, Rudy.
What's your favorite color?
We're here to negotiate.
You can do this, Juliet.
Oh, that's cute.
Look, Rudy, we want a used car.
I use a brand new one.
You are a man who deserves the best.
You're a man who drives around the world.
Who said it was for him?
That's true.
It's for her mother who does not deserve as good as me.
It's for me, but my mom will look after until I can drive.
Look, Rudy, I don't want any games.
Of course not.
We're all business here.
We're here for that Ford Fiesta 2009 diesel.
Of course.
But can I say you would look great in a Land Rover.
Really?
Yes.
Look, you need something cross country that can carry all those presents.
He makes a good point.
Does a Land Rover have a four by four?
Of course it does.
You know your cars.
Santa, think of the seat.
The seat that warms itself?
No, the full seat.
Santa, look at me.
You're getting distracted.
You said that this was going to happen.
What was?
You know what?
I'm sorry.
You should pay attention to your children.
Sorry, they're not my children.
He's not my father.
No.
They're here with me.
Oh, you're babysitting, are you?
No.
No, we met him after his shift ended.
I'm here doing a favor to these children.
Look, our other issue is that this little four year old boy Marco, you heard his voice.
You heard how pathetic he was.
No, I wouldn't say pathetic.
You know what?
I had a voice like that when I was your age.
You're only four.
You're growing into it.
Fix me.
You know what?
I might have a solution to that.
You see these balloons?
You know what's in them?
Here I am.
Yeah, that's right.
Would you like a wee puff?
Hit me.
Here you go.
Inhale and speak.
Oh, it's better.
Yeah, there you go.
That's right.
You know what?
I'll tell you what.
Whenever Santa here buys his new Land Rover, I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
He's got a Land Rover.
I can give him all the balloons that are attached to it.
Hey, we're getting bones as well.
Hey, where's your...
Santa, don't forget how persuasive I was.
Oh, sorry.
Yes, she has a folding chair.
I budgeted for this.
For a...
I know you can get it onsite.
It's diesel.
It's secondhand.
It's everything I want.
2000, 10, 12...
2009, Santa.
Oh, 2009 Land Rover is what we're here for.
No!
If you're gonna keep I'll keep no no child
You have forsaken me it's the power of the Rudy child you are the only one who can
Seem stressed you know what I got here hot chocos
And a way of marshmallows yes, Rudy you've done it again
One for you one for you and one for Santa himself
I thought you were gonna leave me out there you all right
Look at your rosy cheeks you could use a bit warming up. What's been a cold day in the mall?
How'd you get here?
Santa
Santa I feel like we're losing you
I don't remember whose side are you on?
That makes sense that's why you were brought here you know what you want another toy car
I've got a whole collection of them here child with PowerPoint. I've forgotten your name
Sorry, I'm only six slides into this look child can I say I love your transitions
This is not buttering me up Rudy. This is not a journey
I can follow you will you know what Santa why don't I?
Give you to Daniel you can work at the financing on a land rover and I'll listen to present. Oh yes
Oh, yes, of course yes, I'll deal with this child listen to me. I cannot defeat him. I'm going to buy a land rover
Did you know this
Knowing that you wanted a land rover. I don't even know what it is. I know it's four wheels
This way has all terrain the sleigh has none of them Santa a reminder
I've seen your contract Rudy not have enough money for Rudy
Don't worry Daniel will walk you through your financing
Yeah
Point chocolate Rudy has defeated me smart. I have been slain you are the one who can do it
Give me that hat no give me the hat give me the hat the glasses
Oh, say please please give him a hand the glasses on the jacket and the belt okay
No more things in that second time
Okay, fine fine. You can have them. Thank you. I'm off the clock anyway
Daniel Daniel, so it's up to me
It's up to me to work from midnight to 6 p.m.
Every day up until Christmas and maybe even beyond I saw Santa naked John naked yeah, yes
That's unfortunate, but if you pull those
Underpants up real quick. I feel like my childhood has been ruined. You're only four there's years to get that you've got plenty more years to come
And you know what I'm not a balloon
God that's very high-pitched you're gonna scare some dogs there you
Now why don't we listen very politely to this PowerPoint presentation go on you have the floor Rudy
Can you tell me about the financing options for Land Rover? Of course I can they are so affordable
And just 40 easy payments first year no interest. I got a free pen. I got a free pen
Daniel get the papers. It's a Christmas miracle
Miracle
If you already one you know happens to be good at social media
Please get in touch because we have a recent vacancy and we'd really love to hire you
This is Roger sterling signing out for Dunlop Bracken 105.7
Back to Dunbracken is created produced and edited by Connoth McVeigh
For more information on the podcast including the weekly town newsletter. You can follow us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram
This episode featured Patrick Meyer Marcus Keely Laura Conlon
Jordan Lee Kiernsands Owen Fox Eddie Goodwin and Aaron Marshall
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon and you can check out his entire album unearthed on Spotify now
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon