Hello, welcome to the seafood restaurant. Table for free.
Yeah, three.
We didn't do a reservation, would that be a mission?
Oh, that's no bother at all. We've got plenty of tables. We've actually got no customers
in at the moment, so you'll be the first.
It's really empty in here, actually.
Doesn't matter, one bit, I say. Come on in, grab a seat.
Okay.
And I'll get the fish on.
Wait, you're the chef too?
Oh yes, I'm the chef, I'm the waiter, I'm the cleaner, and I'm just happy to serve you
here today.
Sorry, your eyes are very red. Have you been crying?
I am allergic to shellfish, yes.
You have a shellfish allergy and you're...
This is a seafood restaurant.
But we're the only seafood restaurant in Dunbracken, you see?
That's true, yeah.
That's true. And I'm a businessman at heart, so I want to make your money. And at the risk
of my own life, so be it.
Okay, yeah, okay. Cheers.
It's really dark in here, there's not that many lights on. Why?
I have a full fish tank in the back, it's taking a lot of the power from the restaurant.
Also are the seats just these barrels?
It's authentic, like the sea.
But the barrels are actually taller than the tables, these are like whiskey barrels.
You've really not been on a ship before, have you? The barrels are massive.
I have an atrium.
Is that a requirement for eating here?
Of course, yes. Small tables, big barrels. Let me get you some water.
Three glasses of the finest seawater, here you go. One, two, three.
Thanks.
There's salt in this.
It's just salt water.
That's right, I told you, it's seawater. It compliments the fish really well.
This is seawater.
I just grabbed it from the sea, yeah.
Sorry, when you say the sea, do you just mean the hole in the floor there?
And I've written the sea next to it, which means...
Oh, it's yours?
It's the sea.
Isn't there like a sewage runoff, like a mile up the coast?
I'm going to get the menus for you now.
Okay, thanks.
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
Hey, how's it going?
Um, well...
Okay, well, I don't know if you guys heard, I'm trying to bring the town fair back.
Exciting, right?
Well, after what happened the last time, I'm not sure it's a very good idea.
Don't worry, it won't happen again. The fire marshal has been in contact with me and
we're making some changes. We're keeping a lot of things the same.
And what I was thinking is that you guys might be interested in running the food truck.
Great, great. Money making opportunity.
Didn't the fire start in a food truck the last time?
One of them did, yes.
It was a chip pan fire?
Honestly, um...
And we run the fish and chip shop.
Well, that's right. That's why I'm looking for more qualified people this time.
What do you think?
All I can think is I heard whoever was running that chip pan, inadvertently, the panic stuck
their head into the chip pan. They were deep fried alive.
Alan, all we know is that someone's head was in a deep fry. We don't know if it was pre-panic,
post-panic. We don't know if it was one of the chefs. It doesn't matter. It won't happen
to you two. You two, look at you two. You're cool as cucumbers.
The last time someone in the position you're asking us to take on was so mutilated that
they couldn't be identified.
I believe they could be identified. They just didn't want to talk to me about who the victims
were.
No one was identified. It's just...
Dental records?
I don't know. The police just said, we will tell you what you need to know. And I didn't
need to know that.
I got the quote back for the car insurer. It went up 50 quid on top. Jesus.
For one accident.
There's no accidents?
All right, for one misdemeanor then. Well...
Did you tell them about it?
By accident.
Ah, that's where the...
I put the wipers on when it wasn't raining. And apparently I'm no longer in control of
the vehicle.
And did he even check the other fella's wipers?
Damn, I ain't sure he had any.
Well, not after you hit him.
Well, no, they flew off. They were miles away at that point. But, uh, 50 quid.
Not a week or a month.
Per annum?
Jesus.
No. I can afford it. We all know I can afford it.
Of course you can.
But it's a principal of it.
Oh, of course, yeah.
You know.
For one thing?
I could've gone to someone else intentionally because they looked at me funny. Head on.
Like, come on.
Stalking them for six hours around town to finally get them perfectly head on.
Hey, to be fair to me, it was my day off. So I could spend the time however I pleased.
Of course.
What? That's where the, uh, the legal cookie crumbles, I guess.
Should've said it was on business. Sure they would've.
I could've claimed it back.
Ah, said you're a private investigator. Sure you're just doing dougie diligence.
Aye.
But alas, no.
Aye.
Jesus.
We don't need a private investigator to find him now. He's been in hospital the whole time.
Right.
Eating and shitting through the tubes over here.
You still keeping tabs on him?
Oh aye. I went and broke my legs there so he could get put in the room next to him,
you know.
I was wondering how that used up.
I see if it was an act.
Well, the legs. Popped my health insurance up so they have.
How much?
50 quid.
You didn't tell them about it, did you?
I did.
I told them by accident. You know. I meant to ring my wife.
Ugh, we've all done that. Accidentally rang the health insurance.
Ah.
And then, should I say that it was on business?
I could've claimed them back.
But for right off, I mean, my legs are a right off now.
Well don't talk to me about hospitals. I was in the other day for, see this cast I
have. I was minding my own business on the playground. And suddenly these kids come by
and push me down the slide. Like an arm broken, shattered. Three different places.
What were you doing in the playground? Apart from minding your own business?
I was minding my own business. I was contemplating my marriage.
On top of the slide?
It's a really good thinking spot. You can see out through the playing field, you can
see the cows in the fields. You know, you see life go on. Gives you time to think about
your life. And then those wee bastards there.
Yeah, those wee bastards pushed me down. And so what did I do, of course?
Shouted wee.
Shouted wee. Until.
It was a good time, this slide is.
Until you shattered your arm in three places. I didn't even know you were in hospital.
Would've been great to be in the same ward.
It would've, but I was very busy keeping my eye on your man there. I couldn't be distracted.
On your day off too.
Yeah.
Thankfully, it was my day off since I'd been made off for the past four months. So I could
do what I want. That's why I was allowed to be on the slide at that time.
I should have said you were in business.
Should have said I was on business. And the kids couldn't have touched me. That's good.
Now to be fair, through the searing pain and the adrenaline, I did chase those children
and throw them through the monkey bars. As is only right.
Well built monkey bars, sir. Well built monkey bars.
They're well built, they're strong, stable, broke one of their spines. Didn't see that
coming.
No, no.
But I think they deserved it. Now, we were in the same ward, so his parents were not
happy with me. And neither were the police officers.
Keeping an eye on him though.
Ah, see, make sure he's not up to anything. Sir, he's not moving anyway. He's got his
spine broke. You broke your spine once there Timothy, didn't you, a few years ago?
Aye, that's right. Sure, that's why I'm in the wheelchair now.
You enjoying it, like?
Looks like you have a grand old time.
Oh, I, you know why? I said it was on business.
Smoked bastard day. Free wheelchair, that's not bad.
Last class.
Here we are, here's some menus. Have a look, I've designed the menu myself.
Looks like a treasure map.
It is, yes. You have to look real carefully if you want to find the allergens on there.
Jesus Christ.
One thing, do you have any vegan options?
Well, yes, we've got chips. Chips are vegan. They do use the same deep frat fire that I
fry the fish in, but it's fine.
Sorry, what was that?
They do use the same deep frat fire that I fry the fish in.
Oh wow.
It's not really okay. Like I don't want to eat any animal products.
You don't want to eat sim?
I don't know.
I eat chips from it all the time, even though I'm allergic to shellfish.
Do you eat the chips from the deep frat fryer that you fry the fish in?
The deep frat fryer that I fry the fish in.
Wow.
Because I need to eat chips all the time.
I'm sorry, but there's, there is 17 axes on this menu.
You found them all. Good job.
Oh wow, I only found 15 chips.
That's amazing.
Sorry, I get distracted.
No one's ever found 17 before.
Yeah, I still haven't seen like options.
Oh wait, wait. Right in the corner of the 14th X.
There it is.
Oh, chips.
Chips.
If you turn the menus over boys, there's the fish.
It just says fish.
Yep.
Mine says one sellotape to it.
That was the one of the first menus I actually made, you see.
Ah, so this is the prototype.
That was the prototype menu.
Smells really rotten.
Yeah.
The menus.
Well, just this, it's one specific thing.
That dead fish.
That is a dead fish.
In fact, its eyeballs just fell out.
Yeah, it's just like in the sea, innit?
Yeah, I haven't been to the, yeah, okay.
Right.
So three rounds of chips and do you want a fish to share or do you want to have a fish
each?
I mean, usually, you know, seafood restaurants have multiple different types of fish.
There's also shrimp and mussels.
I just see fish.
I'll take a fish.
Look, I've just got-
What is the fish?
There's a tank.
I'm not having, what is the fish?
There's a tank in the back and because I'm allergic to shellfish, I can't actually look
at them when I'm in there.
So I have to close my eyes, put my hand in the tank and then just grab whatever comes
out.
A fish is not a shellfish.
Do you want us to lift it?
It would be very unsafe to put using the kitchen, of course.
You know, it's a safety hazard.
Are there shellfish in the tank?
Why wouldn't you just have a tank without shellfish?
It's a seafood special, innit?
You know, like a fisherman's pie that you get down in the shop.
You have all the fish in the one packet and you put it for your fisherman's pie.
Wait, no, you just buy packs of fish from a supermarket.
I wouldn't do that.
I'm a respectable businessman.
I'm now starting to think that, okay, yes, I believe that you do have a shellfish allergy,
but I also think you were crying earlier.
Business isn't going too well.
I'm on my own, boys.
I'm here on my own.
I've been pretty clear about that this whole time, you know?
You've come into an empty restaurant.
It's just me here.
Do you have any sea cucumber?
We do.
I was going to say.
I can eat that.
You can eat one of those, can't you?
Aren't sea cucumbers alive?
I don't think you can actually order it because he doesn't know what he's going to grab.
I can find a sea cucumber.
Okay.
I know my way around the sea cucumber.
So that's why it's fish question mark, because we don't know what type of fish we're going
to get.
That's the name of the restaurant, yeah.
Right.
Fish?
Can I get another glass of water?
Of course.
You drank all that one.
That's great.
Oh, yeah.
Let me get some more for you.
What are we doing here?
I like it.
We are running an award winning, reasonably successful, reasonably priced.
I mean, I love it.
I come here every Friday.
You do, but you order beans on your tips.
I'm sorry.
That just disgusts me.
I mean, you offer it.
I will stop ordering the beans if you guys do the...
Beans isn't an issue for me.
I didn't think that was that big an issue.
No, it's not a big issue for me.
It's the threat of death.
That's an issue for me.
That was just because they weren't qualified.
Okay.
So maybe you're not the best person to bring the fair back considering you're the one that
inadvertently buried it in a shallow grave.
What other people have you got on board?
Has anybody said yes to you yet?
I've got a lot of maybes and some...
I've got people to help build it so far, so that's something.
The mayor's given me a permit.
The mayor?
The mayor, yeah.
Oh, the mayor.
Yeah.
Permit.
Yeah.
It's official and everything.
How much did you pay?
That's the great thing.
I didn't.
I paid with PowerPoint and everything and I came in with my nice suit.
I was respectful and yeah, yeah, I thought, yep, this is a great idea.
Go ahead.
He's famously hard to persuade.
I mean, I...
And you're not terribly persuasive.
I'm not, but my daughter helped me with the PowerPoint and I think it really did a lot
of the heavy lifting.
So can we see the PowerPoint?
Can you do PowerPoint on your phone?
I don't...
I'm not that great with PowerPoint.
I've got the file on my phone.
Hold on.
Let me see.
There's diagrams showing how we won't have our heads cooked.
I mean, she's only 14.
I'd rather not expose her to that kind of information.
The fact that you are semi-directly responsible for...
The death of a man.
...are very grisly.
A man died at an event I helped organize.
That's different.
You were the head organizer.
I gave myself the title to feel important, but I was the only one organizing it.
I might as well be principal senior organizer.
There's just one.
Sorry, man.
Are you going to order?
I'm trying to decide whether or not I can get the beans.
This is a negotiation right now.
If you order from me, you can get the beans, but if you order from my wife...
No beans.
It makes her physically sick.
It's the smell.
Am I the only one who orders the beans in this town?
Yeah, we have to buy them specially for you, Paul.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't realize I was putting you out that much.
You've put us out every Friday for the last two years.
Which is why I'm not really all that enthralled by the prospect of working a food truck for
you at this event.
You wouldn't be working for me.
You'd be independent.
And also, to show I can change, I will stop ordering the beans.
Would we have to pay for the food truck?
You'd have to get your own ingredients, but we've got some funding from the mayor.
The mayor gave you money?
Well, the mayor had an expense budget.
I'm not allowed to have the money directly after last time, but if you give him your
expenses, they will cover it.
What happened the last time to the money?
It just printed poorly.
I spent a lot of money on roller coasters, not a lot of money on fire marshals.
So this is why you're not allowed to touch the money?
It's better if I don't have it and someone verifies my expenses.
We've got the accountant on board.
He said yes.
He was very adamant.
You went on a very fancy holiday after the last fair.
Well, you went to Ibiza.
I mean, I said I did.
I just went camping outside town.
People didn't want to see me.
I mean, you were quite literally run out of time.
You had to run.
Yeah, I was sprinting full on.
Look, my passport was still in my home.
I couldn't have gone to Ibiza.
People were camped outside my home waiting for me to come back.
And I want to make things up.
I want everyone to see that this can be fun again.
You want to make things up?
Yeah.
Like lie.
No, no, no, not like that.
I just want to redeem myself.
And you know, the fair can be fun.
The town can have that back.
Maybe my wife will give me another chance.
Whatever.
I just want positive things to happen.
I've spoken to Pauline and she's really not interested.
Speak to her again post-fair.
She said the fair is a terrible idea.
That's because everyone has...
And he's shit in bed.
I had a lot of anxiety about the fair.
I had a feeling things were going to go wrong and it was affecting things.
You mean physically?
Yeah.
I didn't realize she shared that with you.
Well, we go out for drinks every Friday night.
So she tells me a lot of stuff about you.
I don't really know how to answer that.
I'm just sorry.
And will you please do the food truck?
I will take chips, no beans, please.
What do you reckon?
I say give him the beans.
But only beans.
Oh, no, chips and beans.
Okay.
So is that a maybe?
We'll make you some chips and beans on the day.
That's it.
That's our final offer.
Oh, oh, but you'll be serving other people?
I don't think it's worth the risk.
No, I cherish my health too much.
Okay, but I can say you two will be there.
We'll hand it over the fence.
Why's that?
Okay, I'll do a delivery service.
That's a good idea.
Do you have an app?
Oh, okay.
How about this?
You guys can cook here and then we just get a delivery guy to transport things to the
fair.
That would work.
Okay.
Who's the delivery guy though?
I'll sort it out.
Someone reliable.
I've got a car.
I will not give it to the first stranger I see.
I promise you that I have changed.
All right.
Well, are we doing the chicken league again this year lads?
Oh, I'd think it'd be rude not to.
Cause I've been getting complaints having the chicken league above the pub.
Hold on a minute.
Is bad for business.
Oh, are we on?
Sure.
We're buying pints all the time.
What are they on about?
They say that they don't want to bring the grain up for the league.
Say that the grain is unsanitary when it falls through the holes in the floorboards and into
the drinks.
Come now.
They say that the chickens are depositing their little friends down through the holes.
This is a pain.
And the league itself is rowdy.
They knew.
And violent.
And they knew what they were getting into.
This is just, these are, these are excuses.
Yeah.
You know what this is.
Sorry.
Let's finish.
I don't need to hear anymore, but okay.
And there's too many corpses in the windows.
Oh, die.
You see, but it's league business.
It's like, I told them that when, whenever the league is on this league business, you
can't come in and they're just trying to drive up the rent prices for the room.
That's all they're doing.
They're going to cave.
They're going to be like, okay, for an extra 75 a month or something.
We're not doing it.
They're trying to price this out.
I said, don't come in unless you're delivering green.
Let's deliver and green.
That's always what I would say.
But what is the password?
The password is, are you holding a bag of green?
And that's worked for many years, but is it going to work this year?
Do we have the league?
I don't know.
I mean, we've got the chickens.
I thought this was a straightforward question.
We've got the board set up.
I've done the board already.
I don't know if you've seen this.
Good work.
That's incredible.
I had assumed you'd got that off head.
So you did that yourself.
No, I did that board.
Beautiful work.
I've been studying everyone's comments from last year.
You wrote them down.
You put them through the little letter box.
I took those comments and I took them on board.
Those comments would have broken a lesser man, but you took all that on board.
And I'm sure it was tough to hear a lot of it.
Well, that's why I don't know if I have to take the comments of the pub on board.
I'm just, I'm a man who takes comments.
That's true.
You're good at it too.
I'll take that.
Stick that on the board, would you?
I'll take that.
I'll put that on the board.
I'm good at it.
And I've been working on my mathematics skills for like the betting component of it all.
I've really gotten to do this yet.
Like I wasn't great at it last year.
I'll admit, you just talked about getting that other fella in, but I went back.
What are the odds?
Of me getting kicked?
Yeah.
Four out of five.
Four to five.
That's not bad.
I'll take that.
Because I'm assuming there's a good chance that that guy from down south is going to.
I'll stick 20 quid on that now.
I think it's reasonable.
Can I spread this bet?
Sure.
Yeah.
I'll spread odds over evens on you getting kicked.
Do you want to do it a double for the first fight of the year?
Put in with one of the winners, one of the chickens?
Or just want to give it a single?
I do.
That's my tradition.
Lovely.
I'll do it.
I'll bet that in the next year you put a bet on that I'm going to get kicked.
Some years you do.
Some years you pay someone to do it.
But I always have my way back in.
Usually by subterfuge.
Yep.
Subterfuge.
And that's the league rules.
That's the league rules.
If you can get back in from subterfuge, you're allowed in.
That's if we even have a room to be in.
I can't be above the pub.
I say we send a couple of chickens down.
We'll see what happens.
We, uh, they're pretty ferocious.
To convince the landlord?
Yeah, have you, have any of you fed them today?
They're probably pretty vicious right now.
Well, I don't feed them, you know, get a grain delivery in it.
That hasn't came in a while.
That hasn't came.
Exactly.
We send those, those little boys down.
Oh, they're going to kick some land board.
He'll show them what's what.
Sounds like the league's on lads.
Yeah.
Eww.
Right fellas, I've actually done you a special deal.
I've just hooked up a nice little system here.
There's a little tap just hooked up to the table.
You can just help yourselves as much seawater as you want.
It's a hose.
It's a little filtration system that I've set up from the side.
This is just a bit of blue PVC hose.
I think it's authentic pirate.
Thank you.
You really make it this so much better for me.
Oh god.
Okay.
So I'm going to go put some fish in the deep fried fire and-
Can you leave the sea cucumber out of the deep fried fire that you fry the fish in?
Do you want it just like sushi style?
Yeah.
I could do that.
Yeah.
Do you have rice too?
No.
It's like sushi style, you know, like, oh, actually that's a good idea.
If I cut up the chips real small, it'll be like rice.
So-
As long as they're not in the deep fried fire that you fry the fish in.
No, if I do that with the sushi, it won't be sushi.
You don't put deep fried fish in sushi.
That's ridiculous.
That is ridiculous.
Yeah.
Just that.
Okay.
You also know what type of fish goes into a sushi roll.
I like the danger.
Yeah.
I don't eat sushi.
You know, they mostly, there's a lot of shellfish risk.
No puffer fish around to hang in it.
Oh, could be.
This is a death trap.
You're gonna eat here.
You're being so, I'm really trying.
Can I get some more water?
Oh, you are a thirsty boy, aren't you?
I'm really thirsty.
In fact, I don't think this is helping my thirst, but I'm going to keep drinking.
No, I think it's actually, the more you drink, the less thirsty you get, I think.
That's what I've always, that's what my mom told me.
You can lead a man to water, but you can't get him to drink from a hose.
That's what they say.
Do I just turn this top here?
Yeah.
Work away, work away.
This is actually fun.
I'm just like gonna bring the steaks out.
Yeah, you get to see it.
Don't say steaks in here.
We don't have those.
I mean, he's vegan.
Like he wouldn't have a steak.
It's a fish restaurant, right?
It's a fish restaurant.
Fish?
Don't say the S word.
Let me go get the chips on.
It says here, if I find all 17, I get a Gold doubloon.
Of course you get a Gold doubloon.
There you go.
I think he might've just handed you over his last bit of money.
I need you to pay for your food with that, please.
Oh, did we just get a coupon for a free meal?
Oh, nice.
I suppose you did.
Okay.
I think we should bring, you know, for Bill's retirement party, I think we should have that
here.
Bill loves seafood.
I don't like Bill's.
So yeah.
We all in agreement?
We've been looking for a location.
I'd love to meet him.
He sounds real nice.
Yeah.
Why don't I just get all the restaurant stuff and bring it to your office?
You can like, you can like go.
Oh yeah, I can pack it all up.
I've got a little van out back.
It's got like, I try not to open the door too much because the water spills out quite
a lot, but I kind of, I climb on top and I can plop the fish in through the little chimney
in the back of the van.
Do you just like dump the van with the doors open into the water and just close it and
that's how you fish?
Well actually that's how I caught the fish because I saw the van just lying in the beach
and I was like, oh wow, free van.
And when I pulled out, there was fish in the back and I was like, great, I'll make a restaurant.
I like that you drive neck deep in water, sitting in a van full of water.
That's great.
Look, I've actually been lying to you.
The van is the tank.
I knew you were just saving energy.
I knew this was.
Well, I think it's running the van.
The generator is literally only powering the van yet.
And the diesel smell that you'll smell and that's a separate issue entirely.
Don't even worry about that.
It's not going to do with the restaurant.
Oh, I see.
Like because it was masked by the smell of that.
Deep fat fire.
Well, there's that smell.
There's a whole, a whole mixture of.
Is the diesel in the deep fat fire?
Oil's expensive, right?
I wanted to get canola oil, but the shops won't sell it to me anymore.
But why not?
They said, Willie, you're not allowed to have canola oil anymore.
Look, I'm going to get the chips on.
Yeah, I'll have a fish.
You'll have a fish.
I'll have a fish.
Fish.
I'll have that sea cucumber sushi.
Sushi style sea cucumber.
Right enough.
You get some more water as well.
Cheers, Willie.
The hose is still there, man.
You help yourself.
You walk away there.
It's all authentic.
I'm going to go ahead and get that now.
Cheers, Willie.
So the thing is, I'm going to go ahead and get that now.
Cheers, Willie.
So the thing I don't get is he found the van and then bought a restaurant.
Why didn't he just sell out of the van?
That was a real gold doubloon though.
Is he a real pirate?
I have no idea.
I don't know what a gold doubloon is.
It's just a coin.
It's a piece of gold.
Pretty expensive.
Pirate's blackbeard type stuff.
Right, that's the fish on there.
The chips on.
They're all in the deep fat fire.
We're good to go.
So I guess I'll just sit with you guys while we're waiting for them to cook.
You're not going to watch it?
We're going to watch it.
Let's go, then.
Behind the scenes.
Back to Dunbraken is created, produced and edited by Conoth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter, you can follow
us at Dunbraken Pod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Marcus Kealey, Cairnsand, Owen Fox, Eddie Goodman,
Owen Fox, Eddie Goodwin, Robert Vaughan, Gemma Burnett and Aaron Marshall.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon and you can check out his
entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.