My New Year's Resolution is to wash the dishes.
The drink.
Definitely, definitely, definitely give up the drink.
So for New Year's this year, I'm going to give up drinking water because frankly I've had enough.
My New Year's Resolution is to find my car.
I parked it in the multi-storey car park about four months ago.
And you know what, I can't remember my license plate, I don't remember the make or color.
So I'm going to go to that multi-storey car park.
And you know what, that'll probably be the only car there.
My New Year's Resolution is 1080p.
Why fuck a cap 3?
I just want my boy back.
Welcome.
Back to Dunbracken.
To help with accountability for all the townsfolk, we have asked everyone to send in their New Year's Resolutions for the coming year.
That way we can all keep each other on track to be a little bit better than we were this year, than last.
Welcome to Dunbracken, where the Town Slogan is still pending.
If you would like to submit your slogan for the Town Slogan Contest, please enter it into the ballot box at Grundles Newsagents.
If you already submitted your slogan and then were annoyed at it and burned down Grundles Newsagents in frustration, please come forward and implicate yourself in burning down Grundles Newsagents.
Killing one and murdering countless Town Slogan ideas.
Also our hearts and prayers go out to the Grundle family at this troubling time in their lives.
Hey guys.
What's up?
How's it going?
Yeah, you find out what we're doing yet?
No, I'm still waiting on orders from Command.
Cool.
Quietly.
Have a quiet month.
Dumbraken has been quiet this month, yeah.
It's pretty weird that we're stationed out of here to be honest.
Well I think they maybe just forgot about us.
Command would never forget about us.
We're the SWAT team.
They would never forget about us.
But they sent us here into this little town and they never...
It's been a while.
So I'm just...
I don't want to be a downer, guys, but what if they have forgotten about us?
I mean, I knew this place is a hotspot.
It's a hotspot for Crown.
Yeah, but also it has been weirdly quiet too.
Big cops for SWAT teams.
We don't investigate.
No, we just get the call.
We go in.
Yeah.
So maybe we're just on one of them big stakeout type missions.
We're waiting for the big call.
Watching everything.
And they're testing us by not giving us a brief.
Yeah.
They're putting the strain on our minds to see what we do.
Interesting.
I'm itching to repel, to be honest.
Yeah.
I'm looking up that big tall tree there and I'm just like...
I might just go and just repel.
I think you should.
You gotta keep training, right?
Well, yeah.
I mean, I've been doing 15,000 pushups every day.
Well, yeah, all of us can do that.
I mean, we're all jacked as hell.
Of course.
We're all jacked as hell.
Get your repels on, man.
Get up that tree.
Yeah.
Get up that tree.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's great.
Maybe you'll see something from up there.
Who knows?
Whoa.
He actually went.
God, he's so limber.
He took so fast.
He was so quick.
Hey, I'm going to repel now.
He's going to do it.
Oh.
Okay, I'm back.
Oh, my tree actually, it wasn't that high.
It's just that it's taller than us.
It's just an oak.
They're not that tall.
Oh, for the new year, I would really like to get to know my cat better.
I found out that he was a kitten, and you know what?
I don't even know his name, would you believe it?
Like, what does he do on the weekend?
Does he have siblings?
What kind of movies does he like?
And you know what?
I don't know where he lives.
He seems to hang around around my place quite a lot.
Yeah, I think that'd be good.
My new year's resolution is to stop feeding the dogs.
Just it's getting too much.
It's 40 loaves a week now.
It's cost a living crisis.
I can't do it anymore.
I can't do it.
All right?
I'm going to replace my mother's cactus.
She'll never find it.
Give me a sliced chicken software, half and half curry sauce, no peas, no onions,
and a portion, what, two portions of chicken balls and a massive tub of curry.
Hello?
Good afternoon.
I'm Phoning on behalf of Dunbracken Medical Practice.
This is the number that we seem to have on file for Nathan.
I was just trying to get in touch with him with regards to his STI test results.
So if you could pass this message along and get him to get in touch with us,
when it's convenient for him, that would be much appreciated.
Thank you very much.
My New Year's resolution.
Probably to get out of this building.
Help me, please.
Hurry up, please.
Hello.
I've gathered the money you wanted.
Well, I gathered some of the money you wanted.
I'm not very liquid right now.
I only have 187 pounds.
I have 120 euros as well.
I know you asked for 2,500.
I don't have that kind of cash right now.
It's all tied up.
Give me my boy back.
Who exactly is responsible for this attempt at taxidermy?
Mummy, did you do it?
Is the person who did it in trouble?
Is mummy in trouble?
I wouldn't say trouble, but...
But?
The corpse of a glorious beast has been made a mockery of.
His face is all wrong.
His ears are in the wrong place.
And you've muddled up the thumbs and the big toes.
I think it's beautiful.
Thank you.
And you know, their hands are like their feet,
so they are really interchangeable.
It looks all wrong.
There's no such thing as wrong or right here.
Me and Jasmine were scared of it,
but then mummy started working on it and made it a lot more palatable for our young eyes.
Now I'm not scared of gorillas.
I'd go into the forest and spend days if I wanted to.
The zoo paid you a handsome fee to bring Gerald the Gorilla back as close to life as possible
because he was our most popular attraction and now...
Very scary.
It's frightening.
That was part of the charm.
Come visit the terrifying gorilla.
You've seen the leaflets.
You've seen the adverts at the bus stop.
Well, as far as I'm concerned, this is in fact as close to his original form as possible.
Just because he's far away does not mean...
He looks like he's doing a funny walk.
Gerald the Gorilla made me cry, so mummy killed him.
Excuse me?
That's just between us, darling.
Excuse me?
That's alright.
What? Explain.
Children like to tell stories.
We were in the zoo.
Oh, go on.
Sorry, am I not supposed to continue, mummy?
Explain.
We were in the zoo.
Jasmine's ball fell in and...
The gorilla ate it.
It frightened us both so mummy took out a shotgun.
Mummy always brings her shotgun to the zoo.
Don't worry, it wasn't loaded.
It was to intimidate the gorilla, but the gorilla didn't flinch.
The gorilla went right at me.
I had to fight back.
It was self-defense.
Mummy killed him with her bare hands.
She's very strong.
You're so muscular.
And I attempted to reconstruct him, but some of the injuries were very severe.
You killed this town's leading horse attractions' leading attraction,
and you accepted money from the trust, put it back together,
and made it look like some sort of circus freak.
I love him.
I take him to bed every night.
He's very cuddly, no?
Both me and Roger love him.
Don't you want to see these children happy?
No, I want to see the visitors who long to see Gerald.
Mummy, this man is scary.
No.
I'm going to point my shotgun at you.
Last time it wasn't loaded.
And now?
Well, you have two options.
You can leave and never tell anyone about this, or you can find out.
You saw also how the gorilla looked after the shotgun wasn't loaded,
so I don't know if either of your options right now are very good, sir.
The shotgun is typically the merciful one.
Kill the scary man.
I'm...
Kill the scary man.
Stop leaving now.
I'm walking towards the door.
We can sleep with every night.
And when you're leaving, do a funny walk so the children are less frightened of you.
Very well.
That's not funny.
That's not funny at all, Mummy.
That's not funny at all. Darling, hold the shotgun.
My New Year's resolution is probably to flee.
I mean, I go on a holiday and I've had a sudden interest in cleaning products and strong bleach.
And I think the other thing I really want to do...
I think I just need to forgive myself, really.
I think I need to forgive myself more this year and be nicer to myself.
My New Year's resolution is to run a marathon.
Every time I say that to my friends, they act all surprised and go,
Really, Eric? I can't see you run a marathon.
And I take great offense at that.
I've run many smaller events before.
I've run a charity bake sale, I've run a chess tournament, I've run a movie night,
and I think I'm up to the logistical challenge of running a marathon.
Oh yeah, my New Year's resolution may be...
Hey, Mum, keep it down! I'm trying to record the New Year's resolution!
What are you laughing for?
Um, yeah, uh...
I think being kind would be nice.
Hey! Shut up, Ma!
Jesus!
I'm glad you've agreed to take the minutes. That was good of you.
I mean...
Someone has to do it.
Yeah, and I won't draw attention to the elephant in the room here.
You're the only one with...
...that can write.
High school education?
Yeah.
I've got a good memory. We don't have to write it down.
John's memory's great. That's how he knows that it was little Simon Smith that did the graffiti.
John, what about when you're not in the Neighborhood Watch anymore?
I'm not saying it's anytime soon.
I mean, I would like to think that we all eventually leave the Neighborhood Watch.
I would want, you know, other people to get involved.
This isn't a lifelong dictatorship.
That's the first minute. I notice you haven't written anything yet.
I have a good memory. Is that what you said, John?
No, you have good writing. That's...
No, he said that about himself, and, you know, that clearly made you eligible for this.
Well, we need someone with a good memory.
I've got a good memory.
We can't have seven people with ADHD running around the neighborhood again.
Soon, soon we'll be watching ourselves forgetting to put on our jackets and trying to catch each other.
We can't have another game of hide and seek going so wrong.
Look, all I'm saying... Look, I'll write this down as I go.
If the jackets weren't camouflaged, it would be harder to lose them.
Look, part of the reason we like coming here is because, yeah, we'll have a little game.
We'll have a little, you know, fix the neighborhood, and then we'll play a little. We'll have a little fun.
I thought the game was fix the neighborhood.
Well, that's part A. Then afterwards, if we've done a good job, we reward ourselves with hide and seek.
Hence the camouflage jackets.
Okay, well, I'm writing down that we're going to at some point maybe get our jackets from some new stockist.
If you're writing this down, can you put it against the second minute which we're in now?
Oh, I know.
It's just I'm in charge of timekeeping, so...
I've always remembered you as a good timekeeper.
Thank you. That's very important to me.
I've been using my grandfather's watch, and it's never steered me wrong.
You have to bring him home.
He doesn't trust me with it.
It's fine.
One day it will be mine. One day. Right, Granddad?
Yeah.
I made this another minute. It's a sub minute. Are you happy?
A sub minute is actually a second in professional lingo.
I did think if he was going to be here, he wasn't going to speak. Was that in last week's minutes, your Granddad?
Well, John, do you remember that? Was it in last week's minutes?
You are the historian.
Well, I actually don't remember you writing anything down last week.
Wow.
Wow. You're holding this again. I had a bereavement.
Oh, you mean the kid that you hit with your car?
Yeah.
That was still someone who was close to me that died.
You really shouldn't have went to the funeral.
I thought... I think it's going to look well in court.
I just think you shouldn't have driven the same car to the funeral. Dint and all.
And then offered to put the casket in your car and drive it?
You said, oh, don't worry. I know usually a hearse is quite big because it takes a large coffin.
But this is a child. How big can the coffin be? Come on, give me a second chance.
Yeah.
I remember this really well.
I said those words.
And to be fair, you were...
Look, at least I have an estate car. It's a slightly bigger boot.
And you were willing to do it free of service, which I think should be noted in the minutes.
I will also say none of us were really welcome because we promised no more hit and runs.
Is it a run if I return to the funeral?
I mean, according to the grieving parents, it is, yes.
I mean, yeah, Jake hit the car, but we all liked it pretty well.
So I think the running aspect, we all have to look at ourselves and maybe do a little bit better.
Your granddad really slowed us down.
I mean...
He did, but it's just because he was trying to help their child.
He can run faster than any of us, but...
This is why I think...
I thought my car seat was a good hiding spot.
You're allowed to run away when the seeker comes free.
And you do have those tinted windows.
I feel like getting the pacifier was a little much, trying to pretend you're a little baby.
Hey, I had a bonnet and I didn't even put that on.
Really?
Yeah. That's good. Again, it's going to work well for me in court.
Just to make clear, are you talking about like a hop bonnet or your car?
Okay, I thought it was the car bonnet.
No, that was missing already.
Yeah.
I reattached that for the funeral.
Dent and all. I mean, they know what happened.
I surrendered my dashcam to the police as well.
Well, that's good of you.
It's going to count well for me in court.
How cooperative you were in that child's death.
Yeah. Yeah. I helped dig that grave.
They repeatedly asked you to stop.
That's why they think it's premeditative.
Hey, mom. Yeah. Yeah. She's she's in the bathroom. Yeah.
I'm going to propose. Yeah. No, it's going to happen.
I'm going to do it tonight. Yeah. I'm just like she's been in the bathroom for like 20 minutes.
Probably just, you know, it's one of them nights.
You know, it's been long. We've been out for ages.
But yeah, when she gets back.
Oh, yeah, I just I love her so much.
I can't wait to marry this woman.
I hope she comes back.
I'm just sort of hoping to get this demon out of me.
We have sort of become friends, but I think I would like to stop liking out
and waking up all wet and church for sure.
Here, come here to tell you this.
My New Year's resolution this year is 1080p.
Did you get it? Did you get it?
That's pretty good. I don't think anyone else has done that.
For this year, I'm just going to speak in auto tune. Yeah.
Yeah. My New Year's resolution.
Yeah. Um.
I just want Crystal Palace to win.
I'm just having such a bad season.
I just I just need a win.
That really did it for me.
And I really feel like I would like to would you like to have a turn at repelling up the tree?
Did you see anything while you're up there? Any mistakes?
No. Maybe you'd pick a different tree then.
Good idea. I mean, I could maybe try repelling up this building here instead.
Oh, yeah, that could be a good idea. That makes sense.
Yeah. OK. It is just a bungalow.
Yeah, but there might still be something on the roof.
You know what? You do it. You need a repel.
I need a repel. I can't get the practice in. I want to get real stuck.
Here I go.
You got up there pretty quick. Yeah, that was fast.
Hey guys, there's nothing up here.
Ah, dang it. Repel down.
I've got to repel down.
Whoa.
Hey, hey. Oh, I look really, really cool.
That was really cool. Yeah, I really did it for me.
Yeah, that was really good.
I think I'm going to repel off that dog kennel.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, no one's ever repelled off something like that before. That's sick.
Yeah, you got to keep it. You got to keep it.
You got to repel. You got to keep it. You got to keep the repel.
Yeah, all right. There could be intelligence inside that.
Yeah, that's true. I could get a vantage point.
You got to go inside and outside the dog kennel?
Well, there's a window. I could repel through the window.
I mean, it is really cool. Yeah. OK.
That was sick as hell. OK, I'm going to climb up.
Oh, he's quick.
It was pretty small, though. I'm still right here.
No, I'm still surprised. I can see your agility.
That was a fast ascent.
Well, in the theater of the mind, you made it up that skyscraper.
And he's jacked us out. And he's so jacked.
He's so jacked.
OK, I'm going to jump through the window.
Whoa.
So...
Although I did destroy it all.
Yeah, but that was like smashing through doors.
It's what we do. We're so possible.
Yeah. Sick.
Although I do feel bad for the dog, but...
Nah, man, we've given the dog a lesson.
True. Don't fuck with SWAT.
Don't fuck with SWAT. That's it.
Don't fuck with SWAT, man.
And if there ain't no one in this town other than the dog knows it,
then we've done our job.
You're not feeling any repel number four?
No, I haven't. I've been outside this city once.
I mean, he is our breacher.
He's usually patting the C4 on doors.
Do you want to breach?
You want to breach? Want to breach something?
Oh, no, I haven't breached in...
You've got to keep that practice up. You've got to breach.
There's a giant, like, security compound there if you want to breach through that.
Too big.
I was even just thinking of the house next door.
Hey, that's even better.
I think I might go, like, even lower. I've got this smaller corner.
Oh, damn.
You're going to put the C4 on it?
I'm going to ease myself back into it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, start small. Start small.
Put some C4 on there.
It makes sense because the calcium is for good buns and muscles,
and you're jacked as hell.
You're so jacked.
Jacked? Breach that mullet, kind of.
I'm going to go breach this smaller corner.
I've planted the C4, guys.
Oh, man. Shit.
That was so fast.
Do we have to stand back or should we?
That was so fast.
My finger's twitching. My finger's twitching, man.
Step back a bit. Yeah.
Get ready to repel in case we need to.
Yeah.
Oh, man, I'm going to back up this tree. I hurt.
Man, this is getting me so psyched.
You're looking so jacked.
Oh, you're all so jacked.
Jacked as hell.
Guys, we're all jacked.
We're all jacked.
We're all so jacked.
We're all jacked.
And let's watch this breach.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't fuck with Swat Boy.
Don't fuck with the Swat Boy.
I really wish I had got the yogurt part as well.
It was just the corner.
Hey, don't put yourself down.
It's too small for you because you're jacked as hell.
Yeah, we're all too jacked.
Does anyone miss their family?
No, man.
I love you guys.
Yeah, I love you guys, too.
Yeah, I love you guys.
You're all my family.
Yeah.
Swat for life.
My New Year's resolution is to
fix the dog kennel.
I got home there just last week and,
Jesus, I don't know.
There must have been some vandals about
flipping things just to write.
I'll just get into the tool shop and I'll get fixing that up again.
But Jesus, to be honest, I don't know if there'll be any saving it.
It's 100.
It's completely obliterated.
It's weird.
There was also a repel attached to the roof.
And that was just sitting there.
I don't know if that's anything to do with it.
But I know that it's a repel.
But I know that's what I'm going to do this year.
Yeah.
Probably should have learned how to fly that.
I think I'll try doing that this year.
Yeah.
I think...
Yeah.
Back in 1957,
we were commissioned to bury mines in a nearby field
to prevent a potential German ground force invasion.
Now I know what you're thinking.
This is about 50 years after World War II.
But we destroyed all our communications equipment
to prevent any spies from communicating with the outside world.
We did not know that World War II had ended until 1962.
And we didn't even know that the Germans had lost until 1967,
as it was a German tourist that informed us of the end of World War II.
And we had just assumed the worst.
Now, I made my money with contracts to decommission these land mines.
And for the new year, I feel like I should really follow through on my promise.
Or at the very least, fix the fence surrounding the offending area.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conleth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter,
you can follow us at DunbrackenPod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Ciaran Sands, Owen Fox,
Eddie Goodwin, Gerard Donnelly, Gemma Burnett and Robert Vaughan.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon,
and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.
His wife and his only memory of him is her.
Why won't you give me my boy, my...
I've been a good man all my life. I've been kind.
I didn't have sex before marriage. Much.
I looked after my boy as best as I could, but sometimes you just get distracted.
Sometimes you forget about that, which is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Bring him back, you bastard. I'll find you. I'll take you on.
They say a mother can hold ten cars for her child.
If they can hold that, what can I hold?
I'm coming for you.