Welcome back to Dunbracken.
Alright there, which one of these kids is yours there?
The blonde haired one.
Oh number seven yeah.
Yeah number seven.
He's good at football, he's a good kid.
I mean I don't think he'll do it professionally.
Ah none of them will.
At least he's not my number eleven over there, the one running after a water bottle.
He's really chasing us.
He can't quite pick it up, he keeps trying to pick it up and he kicks it away.
Yeah I see him, he's kicking it.
It's tough.
I just try and, well he enjoys it.
He thinks, I guess he's part of the team.
He couldn't even be a water boy professionally really.
Are you the parent who keeps reminding us that every kid needs to be given an opportunity
to play?
Every kid does need to be given an opportunity to play.
Oh I guess that would be me yeah.
I didn't know I was known as that parent.
Well the coach just, you know, passed on email, it's anonymous, but we're all wondering who
it was.
My wife doesn't really take an interest in it so I feel like I have to do double duty
in caring about this specifically.
Have you considered just teaching him how to kick the ball?
Well I mean he's enjoying the water bottle so much and I know he's never going to get
on a team so I don't know why to set his expectations up.
He enjoys this, why would I?
Could he do it by himself, not as part of a team?
I threw a water bottle out into the backyard and he never even reacts.
I think he likes being at the pitch down with all his friends, but separate from them but
near them.
Yeah okay but which of the kids are his friends?
Well most of my emails entail asking if the kids could stop shouting at them and that
they all get opportunities.
He's yet to get on but you know someday I think I've told him to go for the knees if
he does get near number three.
Sorry, go to the knees?
Yeah.
If the opportunity arises.
Why do you want your kid to sabotage the one good player we have?
Well if he's going to be mean to him you know you've got to stand your ground probably
about a year into the relationship.
You don't want to do it right away.
Loser!
You're a loser!
See that?
That's just more fuel to the fire for my kid.
You see how he's almost reacting and then he looks down at his knees intently but then
pulls away.
I think he's crying a wee bit there.
I taught him that.
You taught him how to cry?
Okay.
I taught him how to cry like a man.
That's why he's always so thirsty.
It's dehydration.
So much dehydration.
He's always crying.
I feel like you're teaching him the wrong thing.
No it's healthy.
Let it out son.
Let it out.
I mean I don't quite agree with that but I get where you're coming from but I still feel
like you should teach him how to pick up a water bottle and kick a ball.
My dad never taught me how to teach my kid.
I had to learn for myself.
He set me out in the garden, said I wasn't allowed back in until I picked up the water
bottle.
Three years I lived out with a dog.
Still went to school and stuff so I got most of my heat and warmth there and food.
You know there are several football clubs here.
You don't need to... there might be one that's more suited to...
Oh we've been kicked out of the other two.
Apparently they don't like the constant emails but this coach just forwards them on and is
pretty happy with it.
Well no I mean he invites like his own version.
We get that bridged version quite clearly.
Really?
We didn't realise he was sending that many emails.
Ah see that's probably why this message isn't getting through to you all.
That's not it.
It's just...
I don't know because he sends me my one back so I assume that everyone else but he says
oh they're all BCC'd into it so I don't see who it is.
Crafty this coach.
I'm going to have to have a word with him.
I'm going to write him a strongly worded email about this.
You know the season's nearly over and your kid seems like he could use extra attention.
Maybe just take him out early and let him train a bit.
What do you mean?
I think maybe he should skip the next few games.
Take him on his own?
He doesn't like being on his own.
He likes being part of a team.
Well we all do things we don't like.
We talk to people we don't like, we read emails from people we don't like, we sometimes carpool
with kids we don't like.
Number three, getting on your nerves too?
Nope not him.
He thinks he's all...
No it's not him.
Wow I guess we'll never know who it is.
Well yeah alright.
Okay okay just don't go wild when I knock the door.
Just we're gonna stay calm, we're just gonna try and see what's what.
Maybe they just forgot.
We're gonna get Julie an invite.
We're not leaving here till we get Julie an invite.
I understand that but ultimately we have to accept their decision okay?
No we don't.
Yes we do.
No we don't.
It's their house we can't just foist our child into their house.
They can't bully a child.
I think mostly.
I think it's mostly in this universe that children get bullied.
How long do you think they're going to stand on our doorstep before they knock the door?
I'm willing to just let them get tired.
I'm hoping that they'll maybe get into a bigger argument and forget about why they came here.
It's going to be so awkward.
I don't do awkward situations.
At least you know it's coming.
You can prepare for that.
Because if you get angry then I'm gonna start crying and I don't need that right now.
We need to present a united front.
I'm knocking again.
Angry Aaron.
We need to bring the two extremes of the child that we might bring to their party okay?
If we give them a bad example of us.
I don't care.
I'll tell her.
I'll tell Jillian.
Don't tell.
Julie's having a big birthday party.
What's that going to do?
We'll make them jealous.
I just can't cope with the anger and the tears.
I don't know whether to feel sorry for them or laugh at them.
It's just so awkward.
Maybe we can just invite the parents.
We still don't invite Julie.
And you know surely they'll side with us then.
Just thinking of her all alone at her birthday party.
I know it's not real.
Aaron she'll have a birthday party.
Yeah but now you've put it in my head that if we're going to have a birthday party for
her.
It's gonna be lovely.
But it's not even her birthday but she'll be sitting all alone.
I want you to bring this energy to this discussion.
Well this passion but not the screeching ideally Aaron.
You said not you wouldn't mention the screeching.
Been there for 25 minutes and I can hear him crying already.
That's not a cry is it?
That's awful.
That's how he cries.
Aaron what if they're not in?
Lights on the cars here.
Both cars are here rich cunts.
That's why his nickname was piggy crybaby at school.
Well they know we're in we may as well just open the door and get it over and done with.
Oh we could just slip an invite through the letter box you know and they'll see it and
be like oh they'll forget about it if they show up.
We're not inviting her.
No we're not inviting Julie we're inviting the parents.
Aaron I'm worried that maybe we've overstayed our welcome.
They don't know we're here.
How could they know we're here?
Maybe we should leave maybe we should do this another day.
You're gonna be stressed.
What if we make a bad impression?
They don't have a ring doorbell.
They grabbed it the light did turn on when we stepped on the porch but they could be
watching TV.
Alright.
Maybe they have a porch TV yeah it's fine.
Why would they have a porch TV?
They have a TV and if they had a porch TV we'd see them in the porch that we're standing
in now.
I'm glad you turned that television off otherwise they would see us standing here.
Look I don't want to tell them that it's because of the smell but if I did say sorry
your daughter smells of piss maybe they would wash her and maybe then we can invite her
but there's always a chance that she will still and let's let's be realistic she smells
like piss most of the time so she'll still smell like piss.
We need to be ready for whatever rebuttal that they send our way about our daughter
okay?
She's not the best.
Yeah we can make sure that she gets invited along so the other kids feel better about
themselves.
Yeah she can be the one that's picked on.
No but not to be picked on.
Well if she's bullied by the crowd she's still in West Stoke.
No but maybe we can negotiate Aaron stop.
Aaron maybe we can negotiate terms that collectively we all acknowledge that Julie probably isn't
going places in life but they don't need to say it to her.
It's not even just the smell of piss it is the rampant misogyny which is strange from
a seven year old girl.
Yeah it's not great but um it sounds like they don't really have much hope in her either
you know I feel a bit bad for Julie and if she didn't smell like piss and if she didn't
have the misogyny thing I would actually start to consider it.
I just know that if we go back and she finds out that she hasn't got an invite she's
going to blame it all on you even though you're going to be the better one in this argument
but she's not going to believe that she's going to throw a tantrum and it's not fair
on you.
You do so much.
I mean thank you but honestly she makes some compelling arguments and you're the primary
breadwinner in our household.
Yeah but she sees you more and that's why she thinks less of you and it's not fair.
I'm going to set her straight at her birthday party.
No no Aaron don't do that if she wants to make her mother cry she can.
No.
She's a little girl and she can do whatever she wants.
Do they have any ladders here?
Maybe we can pretend that we're leaving over ladders that they left at our house.
Why would they have left ladders at our house?
The postman I don't know.
We need a reason to open the door.
I mean we could knock it but I feel like you need to dry your eyes and your nose a bit
first.
Don't tell me what to do you're just like our daughter.
Your t-shirt has damp patches on it from snot.
This isn't a greeley friend.
Given the fact that our daughter.
They're not going to trust us.
They need to trust the parents before they can trust an invite to the daughter.
I love her but I know that she's not great.
I love her but she doesn't love me.
No.
I kind of wish we were recording this so we could actually play it back to let them hear
their problems because this isn't good.
This is not a good nuclear family.
Oh I thought you were wanting to play it back at the party just to amuse the children.
You know what I would actually play it for Julie to give her an idea of why she's not
invited like she's ruining her own family life.
I think that's why they want her to come to the party.
She's creating enough problems at home.
I don't think the recording of this would get across how much of piss she smells.
She smells a lot better these days don't you think?
I think so.
The second bath before school really has done a little bit of help too.
Aaron I think.
Or am I just nose plight?
No we're just working ourselves up.
I think we just need to bite the bullet here.
Jillian?
Makila?
Hello?
They're just shouting through the air box.
Hello is anyone there?
Oh hi.
Hi.
Sorry have yous been there long?
Oh no.
You know what it is.
We had ladders but we left them at our house.
The postman.
You've been intercepting our post?
No the postman he left them.
But we were wondering on that point actually.
Now you bring up your house.
The post was intercepted because we noticed that Julie didn't get an invite to the sleepover.
Hello.
Do you have anything you want to say to that?
Do you have another copy that you could print off and we could bring it back to Julie?
She's feeling a little excluded from the whole thing.
The other girls are talking about it.
I have allergies that's what this is.
Aaron has allergies.
They're pretty bad in February.
Yeah.
No I think all the invites went out.
I'm sure they did Michaela but they maybe just weren't received.
Oh no everyone RSVP'd.
It's ok we got them all back.
We were just about to watch Blockbuster on TV here if you don't actually mind.
It's kind of a personal thing.
Oh yeah we could come in and watch that.
It's kind of like a thing that we just do together.
We like to do the theme song together and it's just something we used to do whenever
we started dating.
We watched it with Michaela a lot.
She badmouts most of the women at the show.
Yeah.
Sorry I'm getting distracted.
I'm getting distracted.
I think our daughter would make a great addition to the party.
She brings a lot of atmosphere and she's a great conversationalist.
You know the way you need a TV in a room?
Something for everyone to look at?
You know like you have in your porch.
That's our daughter.
Yeah it's just a small porch television that we have for when we want to watch like television
right before we leave the house.
Does everybody have that no?
Some of us don't have the money for that Michaela.
But that's okay.
You know what we do have the money for?
We have the money for a daughter.
We have the money for a beautiful daughter who has strong opinions about the world and
I support her in those.
And I think-
Not all of them.
We don't support all of them to be frank.
What ones?
She's really mean.
She's really mean to me.
She's really mean to Melissa.
I think I deserve it though.
I know.
Maybe some of the time, but not all of the time for sure.
Some of her points are fairly warranted but most of them.
So just mean to the mother but not to the father.
Oh you know she loves me.
She loves me and I frankly don't deserve it.
I'm never there.
Guys I have a number for a good- it's someone that you might need.
A good therapist.
Have they been helping you a lot?
No they help with people who smell like piss.
They're a therapist.
I don't understand.
Sorry I should be clear.
They provide therapy for people who smell quite bad.
Julian, I fucking dare you accuse my beloved Julie of smelling like piss.
We don't know that.
Is it either of us?
I can smell your incense.
Is it either of us?
What's that masking?
Every time I go to the bathroom I'm thinking of a little child because it just makes me
think of Julie and yeah it's driving me.
It's driving me crazy and I don't want to invite the child into my house.
Oh so it was your decision.
Wow.
I was going to suggest giving them Mandy's number because she has that mobile dog washing
van and that might help as well.
This is insult- Aaron stop crying.
This is insult to- stop screeching in front of Julian and Michaela please.
You're not really helping us win this argument.
Look.
Sorry.
I'm strong but-
What can we do?
What can we do to get our daughter an invite piss aside?
I'm a good lawyer.
Do you still want to invite the parents not the child?
You want to invite us?
Yeah welcome.
No I think it's time to watch Blockbuster.
We talked to you- So we'll just drop her out?
No don't do that.
Don't leave her unattended.
She usually makes her points known pretty quickly and I don't want that to become the
focal point of the party.
You two are pretty mean.
And I know standards.
My daughter is horrible.
Your shoe cars and your porch television and your spoilt little brat doesn't get to
invite our daughter.
You think I want to invite my daughter into my house?
The thing is that she says to me-
The law says 18.
I appreciate the reminder Aaron but she's really damaging my self worth.
I looked it up at work.
You had to look that up as a lawyer?
I'm really mid.
Good night.
Dad, I made these coupons when I was 12.
I'm 35 years old now.
I'm not going to wash your car.
You promised.
I know I promised when I was 12 but look I'm not going to make you a drawing either or
be good at school.
How am I even meant to do that?
Well that one isn't as important as cleaning my car is right now.
You should have used them when I was still living here.
Now this is a lesson in contract law, young Jamie.
If you're going to give a gift you should put an expiry date on it.
Yeah, no I've learned that.
I've put that on all my future gifts.
Yes, which is why I used those as they were given to me.
But this one, I wanted to make sure the car was very dirty and I was getting value for
the coupon.
You're really not going to do this with good faith and I don't think you can enforce a
contract with a 12 year old.
Ah, but you're no longer 12 year old now-
I was when I agreed to this.
That car has 27 years of dirt on it son.
You're going to clean it.
I won't, no.
We've been building to this.
Do you know the talk we get around town from this car?
This is your responsibility.
I went 10 years into this process when I realised what you're doing.
I warned you, I'm not going to clean the car.
If you don't clean this car as per our 27 year old contract-
It's barely a contract.
Car isn't even spelled correctly.
Yes, we were worried about your spelling when you were younger.
I mean I was 12, that was too old to not spell car.
Thankfully the hours of tutoring, which cost us so much money.
Had a voucher.
Yeah, we all learned a lesson that year.
I'm not afraid to phone Malcolm.
He's not.
Our solicitor.
He's done it before.
And have you removed from the will if you don't clean that car?
I'm okay with that.
I don't know what I would be inheriting.
You're renting the house, the car has no resale value.
That is a lot of love put into it, on the inside of it, not the outside.
It seems like it has a lot of spite on it.
You'll be inheriting a lot of spite son, a lot of spite.
I've got more than plenty to go around.
Now underneath that dirt, there may be a treasure map that leads to the family silver.
Now I've fallen for this before.
You eyed it up as a 14 year old and we hid it away.
Look, there's two issues with this.
Number one, it's quite clearly a lie.
Number two, even if it wasn't a lie, you have tried drawing a map before and you do
not know north from south from right to left.
It changes constantly on the compass.
How am I supposed to know which is which?
That's why your father drew it this time.
Yes.
And the most important thing on the map is just the X that marks the spot.
I was allowed to put it on, but then he had to start again because again, I could not
tell my directional sense.
And you also wrote a W.
Yes.
But let's propose I do believe that there's silver buried.
Could it be in this freshly dug up patch of lawn in the front garden that I can see?
Nope.
That's where I thought.
Sorry.
You were also looking for it.
I was looking for it.
I wanted to show that my W was in the right spot and I got it wrong.
The W?
The W that I had drawn and he was trying to throw out the map and I said a W's fine.
Look, I'll prove it to you.
Turns out I was wrong.
She can't draw an X.
Now I'm actually looking at the coupon.
It does say I will clean your war.
Yeah.
I will do propaganda for any war.
I can live with that.
I could take down the Matthews finally.
I've been wanting to do that for decades.
Ever since they spoiled our petunias.
That nasty dog.
Yes.
You asked about the patch of freshly dug earth.
Oh dear.
That was their dog.
It was already dug.
So we thought we might as well fill it up again with something.
Now you're going to clean up the war.
You have to take out the Matthews son.
They find out.
Okay.
But that takes up all your coupons.
We're even after this.
I'm not cooking you dinner.
That's pretty high.
It's higher than I expected.
Not afraid of heights, are you?
No, no, no, I'm just going to hold.
I'm just just holding to the, you know, I'm just, I'm not afraid of heights.
I'm just, I'm scared of plumbing into my death, which I think is very reasonable.
And that is high.
It's high.
You wouldn't die.
You just got injured.
Oh, that's so much worse.
Oh yeah.
Don't worry about it.
How can I not worry about it?
You just said to die.
That's what I'm saying.
Don't worry.
Look, any injury from this, you can recover eventually.
I don't know.
Although if you are going to fall, try and fall on your head.
That way you probably won't survive.
Okay.
I'm just going to.
Okay.
Working for me.
This is a just giving it a go.
Michael still holding his breath.
You're right up there.
I don't think, I don't think I could climb up to that higher branch that he did.
Oh God.
He's at a halfway point.
So he's really got to decide.
Should I keep climbing up the, should I, am I in your way?
Yeah.
Okay.
Sorry.
Okay.
Just one at a time.
One at a time.
Don't, don't climb over me like last time.
I will get there.
Okay.
We're coming, Michael.
We're coming.
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
The breathing exercises are working just fine.
You interrupted me.
I'm
Did you say one of your kids built this?
Aye.
He did.
He's good.
Is it structurally, did you help him or was it just him?
Aye.
He sort of supervised from the ground there.
Like I heard he got a B plus in TD.
He did.
Aye.
That's pretty good.
Why didn't he get the A?
Was there?
Well, you don't want to try too hard.
Do you?
You know, some teachers, they just don't give A's.
Or was there a reason that he didn't give the A?
Look, I just told you hurry up.
Keep moving.
Okay.
I'm moving.
What's your kid?
No, but I'm not.
What's your kid built?
Why did that art piece only get a B plus?
A legacy of disappointment.
That's what.
Did it not speak to your soul adequately?
Yeah.
How do you like it?
I just, no, but.
How do you like it?
My kid's art project isn't going to plummet me to my death.
That's all I'm saying.
Okay.
I'm still climbing.
I would say spiritual despair is far worse than any physical injury.
Yeah.
Well said.
Thanks.
All right.
Well, that's maybe fair enough.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm saying a B plus is good.
You shouldn't be critical.
No, but I'm just saying that I was wondering if there was a reason.
Jesus Christ.
You really are nosy, aren't you?
No, I just, I'm worried that he only, he didn't get an A because there's like a missing
point.
You worried about my child now, are you?
I know I'm worried about my.
You want to come to the parents teacher conference, do you?
No, I'm too.
They wouldn't let your kid in, that's for sure.
It's too ugly.
You know that grammar skill, right?
Yes.
I know what they do with all the ugly, thick kids.
Yes.
I understand.
He was sent for laps.
Okay.
He's got a lot of effectiveness.
That's what your child got so hard.
That's an improvement upon last year.
He's ahead of his targets.
Anyway, we're not far here.
There's a bit of a surprise up here in this tree house.
Okay.
We're nearly there.
Okay.
I mean, I mean, you said something by surprise.
Yeah.
He's going straight over him.
No, no.
You can take your blindfolds off now.
Okay.
Cause it would have been so much easier without the blindfold.
Oh, oh shit.
I overshot it.
Okay.
Backwards.
Go backwards.
All right.
I'm not sure.
It's it's fucked.
I sure just get down.
All right.
Well, now I can see last time I was just feeling the wind and thinking it was high up, but
now I'm like, this is high up.
Oh, good.
Good.
This is a good tree house.
Look, I can jump on this.
It's it's sturdy as anything.
That's good.
B plus architecture right there.
You know what?
That's not bad.
Yeah.
That's how's the breathing going?
It would be fine if people didn't keep interrupting me because I'm feeling very calm.
I just want to be able to hold my breath for many minutes.
What now?
Michael, take off your blindfold.
And actually it made me feel a lot better to see how structurally sound.
I don't need to see this.
I do not need to breathe this.
Let me return to my coping mechanisms.
Thank you very much.
No, cause it is actually pretty like this is craft.
It is.
I'll be honest.
It's a better B plus than my kids art project.
Oh, I know that.
And look, this is the surprise.
Your kids art project is up here.
Look at that.
Wow.
It's wonderfully mounted by my son.
And it really speaks to you more when contrasted with the horizon.
It does.
Yeah.
Wow.
You know, the first time I looked at this, I was surprised he got a B plus.
It did.
It made me wonder if I had a soul.
You kept letting him know.
And I think that's bad parody.
I don't know.
I think that I refuse to accept failure because I am the failure.
So I want him to be better than me.
My kid got an A star in music.
Yeah, we all know.
He's a prodigy.
He's an ingenue.
He can play those plastic flutes really well.
Recorder.
And you know it.
The kids only in primary school.
I didn't even know they gave A stars to that.
You know what?
You're rubbing off on me.
I should respect the child's development.
I'm just kicking little bits and pieces.
This is sturdy work.
Wow.
You can't even see a nail anywhere.
Like there's no nails.
What?
No nails.
What do you mean?
There's no nails.
You're not watching grand designs.
We keep telling you to watch grand designs.
I don't watch grand designs.
It's all joints.
They just slid into place.
That seems a bad idea for like this high in the air.
Right.
But you are high in the air.
You're not on the ground are you?
Yeah.
It's good enough for some of the greatest architects in the world, but you're second
guessing it.
Just like your child's artwork.
Okay, right.
Yeah, fair enough.
I have to have a more open mind.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
So why did we why did we come up here again?
Your child's artwork.
Your son's art is here.
Sorry.
Was that it?
Why are we prouder of it than you?
You just took me up here just to see my son's art?
You do not see how the art reflects their inner turmoil about your parenting style and
how the horizon really highlights the colors?
I just don't think I have an art to say.
Sorry.
Why am I here then?
We thought this would be good for you.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, we didn't want to exclude you.
I'd give your effort and ingenuity getting up here a B minus.
Hey, less of the low blows.
All right.
My child got an A star.
Does that not make me more worthwhile as a person as a peer?
I mean, I think you should give him some parting advice.
You know how to get the best out of your child.
Okay, here's a scenario for you.
Say your kid comes out you with the biggest pile of shit you've ever seen.
Like he's just thrown paint at a dog and then rubbed that dog on a pallet.
He's come at you with that and you and you say that looks as if you've thrown paint on
a dog and rubbed it on a pallet and apparently he starts crying.
What?
I'm asking you for advice.
What would you do in this scenario?
Breathing exercises.
They're really good.
Oh, I see.
Because if I'm breathing, I'm not talking.
And if I'm not talking, I'm not slandering my son.
Yeah, that would be ideal.
Yeah, I mean, usually does more to it.
But at this point, I think just shutting up would be a good start.
Yeah, I'll try it.
Hey guys, thank you very much.
Get out of my son's treehouse.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conleth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter, you can follow
us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Marcus Keighley, Laura Conlon, Drew Hendry and Jared
Donley.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon and you can check out his
entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening.
We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.