Can't put that in there.
Can someone else put it in for me?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You see, that's the wrong bin.
You're putting, you're putting plastic waste, plastic waste, plastic waste.
Okay.
And the thing you're trying to throw in there is a ceramic toilet.
I thought it was plastic.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's clearly ceramic.
It's white.
Yes.
Yes, I know.
It looks plastic-y.
Yes.
It's white and it's dishwasher proof.
Is that why you're getting rid of it?
Did you try and put it in the dishwasher?
It's why I bought it.
No, it's not why I'm throwing it away.
No, well, it's cracked.
Oh, it is cracked.
Yes, clearly.
It clearly looks like, if it looks like-
I suppose plastic doesn't crack.
Maybe you have a point.
Yeah, yeah, it's cracked.
It's got bits missing as well.
I mean, it just, it's no good as a toilet now anymore.
I mean, but we do have the ceramics area.
Oh no, it still works.
I just got a new one for Christmas.
I'll take it.
Yeah, all right.
I was about to throw away this dishwasher, but you're saying this is dishwasher proof?
And microwave proof.
So this makes it a little bit less dinn bay.
Welcome, back to Dunbracken.
Guys, thanks very much for coming in. I know temperatures are high, there's a lot of pressure,
we're heading towards month end and we haven't all hit our targets. Like we were expecting
the projections were maybe a wee bit overblown, but I didn't come up with them. I know you
is there stress and there's various ways to relieve the stress. There's not a policy
in place as such, but I personally feel is that there's too much slime in the office.
Well, what are we meant to do? You took away our harbours.
Look, I didn't have a problem when them and upstairs came for your fidget spinners. I
said they were fine. Then you all got fed up with fidget spinners. Now yous are on the
slime. Yeah. But you're making slime in the office as well.
Yeah, it's cheaper. Yeah. Well, here's the idea. Bring your slime
from home. If you're going to make homemade slime, bring it from home. Homemade, not office
made slime. I find it's the moisture of the office that really gets the slime too slimy.
My home is too warm. And if I make it from home at home, my kids
will play with it. My kids eat it all mostly. Oh, that's not good.
Oh no, mine's is safe for ingestion. Really? You're going to share that recipe?
I took the lead out of mine. Is that why it's not as sticky?
That's why it's not as sticky. See, that's the other issue. Dan ate some
of the slime because you've been keeping it in the fridge to try and cool it down. Oh
God, his are mine. Was it my slime? There was no label on it. That's the issue.
Well, it wasn't mine then. I label all my slime. I label mine too.
He thought it was jam or something. So I guess it was sticky.
I can see that. Is it you?
Well it is sticky, but you wouldn't mistake it for jam and it's labeled.
Derek does put seeds in his. He's been trying to like get it more grippy.
Can I also say, I feel like Dan eats people's lunches.
Yeah. If we're going to, or is this to raise complaint?
I just, I feel like he was probably trying to eat someone's lunch and he saw a plastic
container and he, you know what? It probably, it would probably haunt my name on it.
Granted, like that's an issue, but it is a separate issue.
It's contributed towards the stress. It's a little stressful.
I can't really talk to him right now because he's in hospital and in a juice coma. So I'll
deal with him if he comes back, when he comes back, I should say.
Oh no, are we going to have to take over his work now?
He has been slacking. Oh, that's stressful. I'm going to just, I'm
just going to need this slime. Stop manipulating your slime on the desk.
I just need that. Please tell me we're getting an attempt work.
Look how gloopy his is and mine's is just like, there's no consistency to it. I just,
I can't need it like that. Yeah, well you know what? There's no consistency
too. Your sales, they're in the toilet with other sorts of slime.
That's probably cause Dan's been in a coma. Oh, don't tell me we've been flushing the
slime. It doesn't flush. No, that's the other issue. That's backed
up as well. So this place has fallen apart because of slime.
But it feels more fun. And I feel like the slime is the symptom,
not the cause. I feel happy to come to work these days.
Get out of the warm house, get into the slime pit.
You get to avoid your kids so they don't play with your slime.
Oh no, I love my kids. I just don't want them touching my slime.
His is very lead based. Yeah, you should keep that away. And that
is also a risk here as well. I know we have two members of staff here who are allergic
to oranges. I think we're all allergic to lead. All right.
So get rid of the slime. You're not meant to eat it.
No one's meant to eat the slime. Someone did and the fucking constant hospital.
All right. I'm just saying that was self-inflicted.
Yeah. He keeps eating people's. Maybe this was actually a tactic. Maybe someone got really
annoyed that Dan was eating their lunch. So they put some, I guess, yeah, poison into
their lunch and then they know who the culprit is. Now they know it's Dan.
That's quite possible. We're jumping straight to my lead for slime.
Shall we just get the police involved now? I was saying this is some sort of murder attempt.
No, I don't think we have to get that far. And Dan was only stealing lunches. I feel
like it's unfair to make him a criminal. He is a thief.
So you would prosecute Dan who's in hospital for mistakenly eating your lead based slime.
It wasn't a mistake. And he's been doing this for months and it's not just me.
It's intentional slime eating. I think, again, my, I think you thought it
was a regular lunch. Yeah. Yours was orange. I think that day you
were trying a new thing. So yeah, it could have been marmalade.
I do apologize for that. It shouldn't have been orange. I know people are allergic to
the orange. Exactly. That's very confusing.
Dan isn't one of them. So yeah, well, soon we'll be allergic to very little. Be allergic
to life because he's not well. Welcome to number four on Bracken Ark Mute.
And this is one of the last three remaining homes available in this exclusive development
of seven homes. As you may know, this was the former cemetery, at least part of it,
but it's been transformed as you can see into a delightful park village with wonderful,
wonderful landscaped gardens and artificial grass. So very low maintenance. But as you
can see here, well, the homes are all available with a variety of bespoke turnkey options.
Does the shed come with the house? The shed? This is actually a really wonderful feature
of these homes because normally starter homes would not have dedicated storage facilities.
Does it have a basement? Actually, no. These properties do not have
basements. I'm afraid. Wouldn't there be basements?
Can you tell me the square footage of the shed? Square footage of the shed? Well, it's
about eight feet by five feet. What's the area of it? You know, what's the space?
Well, whenever we get out to the back garden, you can go and have a little look and see.
Can we start with the shed? Let me go to the shed.
Well, before we do that, because what I would be concerned about is that, you know, if your
feet might get a little bit muddy and rather that we maybe do the inside of the property
first. So listen, why don't we start here in the spacious drawing room?
If there's no basement, is there a cellar? Well, basements and cellars, it's pretty much
the same thing. But no, there is no basement. I'm just looking for some place that's around
six feet under. This is, well, no, I'm sorry, but in this particular
property, no, that this is the ground floor and there is no space below this floor at
all. Can you dig out the garden?
Well, relevant to subject planning approvals, I suppose you could. I mean, are you thinking
of a swimming pool or something like that? I mean, it's not...
Well, I just thought if there doesn't come with a cellar, maybe we could put on our own,
put a shed above it. Thinking outside the box. Good, good.
This is the thing, these homes are designed to be wonderfully flexible.
And are the graves still about? Well, that's something I'm not allowed to
talk about, but... What about the bones?
Again, that's something I'm not allowed to talk about.
That sounds like a yes. No, no, absolutely. It's categorically not a yes.
You could have used the graves for the foundation for the shed, I think, you know, repurposing.
That would have been a really smart move. Listen, I'm just marketing the property. I
didn't actually build the properties, so I couldn't really comment on that aspect.
Did anyone buried here think that they took wealth with them into the afterlife?
Well, I really couldn't say. I mean, listen, I'd like to just draw your attention to this
beautiful engineered hardwood flooring and the slate fireplace. And I mean, as you can
see, then these walls are finished in magnolia, but they are available in a...
But I feel like we should move on from the drawing room now, I think, if you've listened
to all three of us. None of us have expressed much interest in the drawing room.
Let's move down the passageway. And as I said, the ghost storage cupboard there is
on your left beside the downstairs toilet. Here we have then, before we enter the kitchen,
a very fully fitted utility room with laundry and space for a washer dryer.
I love the kitchen island.
It's great.
I'm a big fan of the island.
Good height. Good height.
Well, I mean, is there anything internally in the property here? Does it meet your needs,
do you think?
I like that there's space for a washing machine and a tumble dryer. I've never had that before.
That's class.
Oh yes, I mean, these homes are designed for modern living.
Three bedrooms, pretty good at this price range, I'll be honest.
No bidet though.
No bidet. Well, the thing is, I mean, is that there wasn't very much a fashion for bidets
back in the, in what, around the seventies and eighties and so on, but I find that people
didn't really use them.
You could bring your bidet from your rental property, Bert. Could you not?
No, it's strapped down.
So you're saying they're planning permission anyway for a basement?
No, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely not.
They'd put a bidet in the basement.
Planning permission for a cellar, I think you said.
No, no, no, no. What I said was, and it's very important, what I said is that it is
subject to planning permission, which you would have to apply for yourself. That would
be nothing to do with Dunbracken Homes.
And what's the ground like? Is it like granite or is it nice smooth clay that could easily
be tunneled?
I'm really not sure if I'm honest. I mean, you know, you could go out there and lift
up a corner of the artificial grass and have a little look underneath. I don't know much
about soil myself.
Oh, have a look for bones while you're at it.
Oh yeah.
No, no, no. I would say no, absolutely not.
Three bathrooms, yeah.
Yes, yes, that's right.
But no bidet, that's unusual that three bathrooms, no bidet.
It's a surprise for me personally.
Actually, a lot of homes don't have bidets these days.
You could have a bidet in a shed maybe.
Oh, that'd be nice.
With a plumbing, yeah.
Again, the home is yours to do with as you wish. Should you make a purchase?
I mean, I'd prefer if there was bidets instead of actual toilets.
It's a one stop shop.
Would you like me to draw up a contract? Are you interested in purchasing the property?
Aye, if you can make sure I may pull out a permission for a basement.
But I'm afraid no, that wouldn't be our thing. That would be something you'd have to organize by yourself.
Rather than a contract, maybe just draw up what it would look like with a bidet in it.
Okay, pass.
Maybe in the drawing room?
I can't have a contract until I've seen a shed.
Pass the crayons.
Okay, okay. How about this? How about this? I reduce it on a slime and I keep it just in my desk drawer.
And we will put it around a card wishing Dan a speedy recovery.
Don't put any slime in the card. You know him, he'll eat it.
He's in a coma.
Might wake up and eat more slime.
I mean...
To be fair, I've caught him eating all sorts of things, alright?
But this is...
Hold on, what does that mean?
Get your mind out of the gutter.
No, I didn't think it was sexual. I just thought you were getting him to eat things.
That was ban two. First we had the hammers, then we had Dan eating things.
That's why we had to ban his fidget spinners.
Yeah, and he ate all them as well. I don't know how that didn't land him in the hospital.
But on occasion he did beg me to feed him things.
And that is again, I shouldn't even really be talking about it.
That's a whole separate personal issue, but he probably won't survive anyway so I may as well tell you.
But he's in the hospital. No more slime.
Don't put slime in the card. Keep slime in your drawer.
You, I don't know, you're making viscous slime and that could slide everywhere.
Yeah, it might not even be slime at this point. Maybe I am allowed to bring my stuff still.
Well yours could potentially just be fluid at this point.
Mine's is just a liquid, a viscous liquid. It's got nose consistency.
As long as it's an inert liquid, keep it in your drawer.
Okay, I can deal with that.
Alright. I mean, did Dan at least have health insurance?
No.
I just thought given that we sell it, he might have it.
We can't be dealing with that.
Could we go to his wife, get health insurance for him?
That's a seal. That's a seal though, so that bumps us up a little bit.
No, I can't. I call him as a pre-existing condition.
That's why he's ahead of you.
Not by much.
No.
I'm going to go to his wife and see if she has health insurance.
Leave your slime in the drawer when you go and see her.
It's a good selling point. This is non-lead based.
This couldn't, I'm not the person who killed your husband. I'll be welcomed into the home.
He's not dead yet.
Not dead yet. And he did it to himself.
You know what? I don't mess him.
He was a thief and he died like one.
In a coma, like all thieves.
Why did they have to induce a coma?
He became very violent.
Towards the doctors?
Anything. He's put three other people in a coma, uninduced.
Is that why we're so empty today?
It was a right struggle.
That makes sense.
This might not be the right time to say it, but a lot of my policies, we're going to have to pay them out.
You were selling to people in the office?
I was just going to fault their false claims because I had a lot of claims for coma victims, but that might be that.
Coma victims. Is that something that we cover? I'm not sure it is.
It is apparently. It's in the upsell because it's happened so rarely.
We're ruined.
This is like when I sold that plague insurance.
Yeah, really. But yeah, we struggled.
We were making a lot of money off it for a long time.
For a long time.
No, there was no loom bands that week, that's for sure.
Do you think that ship's getting closer?
Seems to be. It's gradually getting bigger.
I just think we might need to switch the light on a little bit brighter this time.
It's just a little bit too dim.
At the minute we've got it on the lowest level because it's a bit blinding when you're up here.
Yes indeed, Gerry.
What does it mean when we go brighter? I don't think I've read that.
I don't see the dimmer switch. That was the first thing I was introduced when I started in the lighthouse.
They told me there's a dimmer switch here. You can play around.
No, they don't like to advertise that because usually a lighthouse is meant to be just big bright lights.
It was the first thing I was told. I was told that we were using too much energy.
We have to dim it every now and then when there's no ships coming.
They didn't tell me that yet. We did 101 history of bulbs.
I don't think I did that. It's a bit more modern now. It's a bit more modern days.
These bulbs are like xenon bulbs. They're really, really, really powerful.
But they are a dimmer bulb. The olden days they weren't.
I believe you. I just don't know about it. You've seniority over me.
Maybe you make that call. I'll note it down in the book. I've a nice handwriting.
I didn't understand. You can read your messages really, really clearly.
Thank you.
I think that ship, usually it's whenever the ship gets within, it's about this big, about the size of a cantaloupe.
That's the size. That's when we start. We have to turn it right up.
I like that picture in the book though. The ones that are sort of like when a woman's having a baby and it shows each week what size the baby is.
I like the one about ships getting closer.
Ships getting closer. It's about six weeks. That's usually the size of a cantaloupe, I think.
That's nice. People think this game's all boring, this job, but it's actually lots to learn.
Lots to learn.
I didn't know about the dimmer at all.
I know. It was only installed whenever out of the week before I came in. Did you not see the workmen?
The workmen?
You've been here all this time. Did you not see them coming in? They installed it.
It's only been you and me. I thought nobody was allowed in, nobody was allowed out. I did my classes on Zoom.
Classes on Zoom. Ooh, that's very, very, very modern. The WiFi's usually really patchy around here.
It worked for me most of the time. Yeah, well, we didn't get the dimming bit right, but Jerry, I don't think that looks like a cantaloupe.
That's more like a...
It's more like a 42 week.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Hang on. Let me turn up the dimmer. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Oh, it's a bit stuck. Oh, what do we do?
You're asking me?
I don't know.
Maybe we could grease it up or something.
What have we got?
I've got some jam.
Jam? Oh, yeah. Jam. Or what about marmalade, maybe?
It's a bit sticky. It's got bits in it.
Oh, yeah. I know. You don't like the smooth.
I do like the smooth. I like both, though, but the marmalade, you see, it's weird when you like both of them, really, isn't it?
Usually you have a preference one to the other, but I like both of them.
You like both? Well, you have to get something because this doesn't work. I mean, at the minute, the bulb was only at like 30%, you know, the ships.
Water? There's water?
Water.
Will that make it slippy?
Well, there's loads of water. Yeah, yeah. We could open a window.
We could do that.
Hang on. Oh, maybe we're OK. The ships disappear. Where has it gone?
Oh, it's gone. Must have found its way somewhere.
Yeah, yeah, they always do.
Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sorry. No, that was the wrong switch. Sorry. That was my fault.
I cannot believe you have this much paraffin. This is wonderful.
I thought I was going to be surrounded by darkness.
Good thing you came over before the storm really took hold.
Yeah, and I was just going to ask you for a cup for my tea. But here we are.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Can't see you outside.
No, no, no, I'm definitely not leaving. I think I heard a piece of your riffle then.
Wouldn't want to be out there when it comes down in your head.
No, I wouldn't. Did you allow Davey? Is he still up there?
Davey, there's no talking to him.
Davey?
What?
Davey, are you coming down?
Are you still on the guest?
Oh, yes.
No, I'm all right.
Davey, you'll be staying the night.
Oh, you're going to run that past me first.
No, it's the storm, Davey. It's the storm. I can't leave.
I've got half a roof.
Are you trying to fix it up there?
No, I just don't. Look, I just want my own space.
OK.
Davey, I can have guests. We've talked about this.
I know you can have them.
I don't have to run everything in my life past you, Davey.
It's just a common courtesy.
Davey, let me have friends.
You can have friends, but I also live here and I like my own space.
Oh, no, you do. We're both like it, Davey.
That's why it's our house, but still.
It's just over for a cup and then it's the storm.
So let him stay. Let him stay in our bed, Davey.
Davey, Davey, what if I become more friendly with you and then it's...
I'm also your guest.
I'd love that.
All right, all right. I'll give it a go, but only because it's really picking up.
OK, so you're going to come down?
Yeah, I'll come down. Hold on, hold on. Let me just get dressed.
You know, for a while I was really worried that Davey was what fell off your roof,
but it's good to know that...
He had himself anchored in there.
Oh, good.
Don't you worry about that.
Into the hooks on the walls.
That must be painful for a naked man.
Or at least chilly.
I don't know how he does it.
All right, so you handshake or hug, man?
How about a handshake into a hug?
I don't like that. Pick one.
He doesn't like that.
Get off the fence. Get off the fence and pick.
A handshake?
Handshake, yeah.
Sorry, my hands.
Sorry, my hands sweat.
Oh, nice.
Yeah, you know what? We do that.
OK, that's really nice.
Wait, I know why my hands sweat.
Hyperhidrosis.
Oh, my dad had that.
Yeah, it's a tough way to be.
Yeah, yeah.
People think you're nervous.
I feel every single lie detector test done at the police station every single time.
I know. I'm the last one to rest with my dad.
Really?
You would never have met a more innocent man.
You know what? I can see why you like him.
I could have hyperhidrosis.
I don't.
You could do. Yeah, anyone.
Yeah.
Oh.
I'm just saying. I'm just joining in.
No, good for you.
No, no, of course. Yeah.
Sorry, I didn't mean to. It's your friend.
Thanks, Davey. Thanks.
I knew you didn't have hyperhidrosis anyway.
You never say things like that to me, Davey.
Well, I mean, I don't know for sure.
I'm not a doctor.
You could have like a dormant case.
Why don't you ever just make a decision in your life?
I made a decision.
The decision is that I'm going to defer to the professional.
That's not a decision.
It is a decision.
That's just running away.
It's not.
Running away from life.
That is a little bit like going to your hole in the roof and undressing.
You can't live your life in that hole, Davey.
I didn't go up there. I was undressed already.
Oh, OK. That's a bit better, I guess. Yeah.
Yes. Look, I put on this kimono and I came down here.
It's very silky.
I feel attacked now.
I understand why your hands could be wet then because you can't really wipe off on a kimono.
Should have had the hug.
That would have been nice. Yeah.
I'm a great hugger.
Well, I was under pressure, so I chose what I thought would be more respectable.
Even though my hands are...
You're a people pleaser. I get it.
Yeah. That's all I'm trying to do.
There go the lights.
God, thank goodness you have all this power.
God, we'd be lost without all these candles.
Whose hand was that?
Mine.
Oh.
Davey, why do you ever do that?
Well, I thought I was, but...
Make a decision in your life, Davey.
Well, I picked the wrong person with my hands. I'm sorry.
I didn't hear any complaints. I just assumed it was you.
Well, I guess we're all not complaining.
You know what, Davey? Just go back to your hole.
No. No. I'm quite happy here.
Is that not your hand on my phone?
No? No?
It's not mine either.
Oh.
It's mine.
Oh, God. Have you been here the whole time?
Have I?
Sorry. Sorry I didn't invite you up.
It's okay. I'm here now.
Oh, that's good.
Ah.
Mmm.
Ah.
Your kimono is more revealing.
It's practically see-through. I've worn it out.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
I'll be up in the hole if you need me.
Sorry. Sorry, Mark. I should have told you I had a guest over, too.
Just talk to me when you have a guest. That's all I'm asking, Davey.
Okay. We'll throw in a lot tonight.
Was that an open invitation to the hole?
Uh, no. He's my friend.
Okay.
It's my hole.
Well, fair enough. No.
You're overstepping here.
Yeah, I know. It's just that was a very revealing kimono, so.
He's a very open guy.
This is the strongest decision you've ever made, Davey.
Mmm.
Not tonight. Not in front of a guest.
We just turned the pyrophone down.
Cozy.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conneth McBae.
For more information on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter, you can follow us at DunbrackenPod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Marcus Keely, Christine Clark, James Geddes, David McCauley, Min Witts, Adam Crossan, Owen Fox and Aaron Marshall.
The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album on Earth on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.