Do you know why I pulled you over there?
You like my number plate?
No.
You don't like my number plate?
Do you want me to tell you just why I pulled you over?
No, I want to guess.
You like my fluffy dice?
No, I pulled you over.
You like my little hula-lady on the dash?
No, I actually think that's a problem.
It could fall and get caught in between the pedals and then suddenly you're a car crash
waiting to happen.
You like the little DVD screen that I have playing?
It's not DVD, it's USB.
I don't like that it replaced the mirror.
I don't like that.
If I had have noticed, that would have been why I pulled you over, but that was not why
I pulled you over.
I do want to get back to the Princess Bride soon, so I'll pause it.
I'll pause this.
Is it the color of my car?
You were playing the Princess Bride while you were...
Yeah.
Okay, this explains a lot.
In fact, I didn't really pull you over.
Do you see that police car in front of you that's smashed?
Oh, okay.
I was parked.
And then you took off driving and at some point hit me.
I did notice that the car was moving then and it wasn't moving, so I just thought I'd
parked.
That is not going to hold up in court, but if that's what you're willing to stick to,
I'm going to have to take you down to the station.
Oh, can I change it?
I would advise not to.
I was watching the Fantastic Four.
I need you to drive me and you to the station.
Welcome.
Back to Dunbracken.
Do you know why I pulled you over there?
Well, officer, I didn't have the jingle on, but I'm presuming I do.
Let me see.
You look like a 99 Two Flakes kind of guy.
Yeah, that's...
Yes.
I can tell.
Yeah, that's...
I can tell.
You just have that aura about you, officer.
You're a Two Flakes type of guy.
I'll tell you what.
I'll go back and make you one special.
Here, I'll open up the side window so we can keep chatting.
Oh, it's not every day you get such courtesy and such...
Wow, Two Flakes?
Do you just give them to me for...
Oh, well, I'll give them to you.
Two for one, you know, since you're a man of the law.
Of course you're a businessman.
You got to...
I don't want to take advantage of my badge.
Oh, you know.
Here, do you have any parapicking porky left?
Look, kid, there's a line.
Respect the law.
Do you have any parapicking porkies, though?
You'll find out when I'm done.
I can't tell you until I'm done with him.
Yeah.
Do you have any parapicking porkies left?
No!
The kids put it in my head.
I'll go have a look.
I've got one.
You've got one left?
Yeah, I've got the one.
Oh...
No, I won't have it.
No, I don't want it.
Are you sure?
I could do you both.
I could do you your 1999 Two Flakes and your parapicking porky.
You know, I didn't eat today.
Don't treat yourself, officer.
You know what?
I could actually make this work because I haven't had any fat.
So I can have both of them and the fat would just get burnt as normal energy.
God, this is...
It's all just thermodynamics, officer.
That's great.
And you know, here, I just do want to say, I just do want to say the little ice cream
on the top.
Yeah.
It looks great, but I think the top of it, the light doesn't seem to be working.
That's why I pulled you over.
Oh, the wee cherry's not lighting up.
The wee cherry's not lighting up.
Yeah, the little maraschino.
It looks great.
It looks great, but it's just not...
I don't want to see you lose business, you know?
I felt like I hadn't been getting as much interest recently.
Do you have any polypineapple?
Kid.
Respect your elders.
There's a system in place and the system's got a line.
Just because I don't have a car where I can pull someone over so I can get ice cream whenever
I want, I don't think that's fair.
I was trying to do a favour for someone who I was worried about.
I'm trying to give this man business.
One of this man's driving his ice cream van around at night and the light isn't working
and he gets crashed into.
And then where's your pear pick and porky then?
In my stomach because I ate the last of them.
But where's the rest of the stuff?
It's gone forever because they melt it because the van doesn't work anymore because of a
horrible crash.
But kid, this is the adult world.
You're going to have to get used to it someday.
Yeah.
Do you have any fab lollies?
What is your problem?
I'm very warm.
Hello, I would like to make a withdrawal please.
All right then.
What would you like to withdraw?
£50.55.
Really boring.
Why not 60 or 70?
Excuse me.
What did you say?
I said 50 is a really boring number.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I said £50.55.
I know, but nobody really pays attention to 55p.
Unless there's a specific reason.
You damn well should.
You'll be counting us out.
Excuse me.
I'd like to make a withdrawal.
One second.
Oh, hello Marjorie.
Lovely to see you.
Hi, hi, hi.
Could I get 65p please?
Absolutely.
I'm going to make a real amount of withdrawals.
She's hopped the queue.
I'm a regular.
Talk amongst yourselves, I'll be busy.
You've hopped the queue.
That's enormously wrong.
I'm a regular at this bank.
Who are you?
I have never seen you before.
I don't have to give you my name.
I'm a human.
I have human rights.
The human right to not be gazomped in a queue.
Six and another one.
No, that's seven, Gary.
That's seven.
Oh shit.
Hang on a minute.
Start again now.
You've interrupted my counting now.
Gary takes a very long time to get to the point.
I'm going to make a real amount of withdrawals.
I'm a regular.
Gary takes a very long time to find tight pennies.
I was trying to help you.
One after six or seven.
And I need all the pennies.
I told you I don't like saying that word.
For the slot machines.
Sorry, well then we'll skip it and we'll just do two onto it.
Now you're in eight.
I need my money.
Look at that.
I was first in the queue.
There's no getting beyond this very simple bit of etiquette.
Well, I am a regular here and I deserve to be first.
That's not how it works.
That's my usual bank.
Fuck.
No, I don't like that one either.
Just because it rhymes with seven.
Stop it.
Mr. Human, I am a white woman and I deserve to go first.
12, 13.
I hardly see how that comes into anything.
It's a curing system.
No it's not.
Can I just give him 13?
It's a friendship system.
You know what?
Gary's my friend.
I'll give him 37 and 55 and you can give him.
What?
You'll give him 31?
I'm sorry, I'll give him.
You bastard!
I'm sorry.
Gary.
No!
Gary.
No!
I'm having a huff.
Please.
You're quitting?
Yes, I'm quitting.
Are you going to take his place?
I've got money to withdraw.
I wouldn't bother.
It's a boring number.
What number is it?
50 pounds and 55 pence.
I'm sorry, sir.
Your clientele is not appreciated here.
Yeah, get out, mister.
Hey, what a joke this is.
I'm going to go to the authorities.
Do you know why I pulled you over there?
George, it's over.
Do you know why I pulled you over there?
George.
Excuse me?
Don't try an open conversation again like this.
I pulled you over because I... this car is...
You can't even find anything wrong.
This car has been...
You just wanted to speak to me again.
The teal light has... this car has been reported stolen.
Yeah.
George, I... I know that...
Is this your car?
I once found your line of work quite impressive and now you've kind of...
Are you going to...
...resolved yourself to something quite pathetic.
Are you going to see... are you going to see someone?
Are you going to do it?
You look nice.
You look beautiful.
George, I don't think this is appropriate.
The car has... it's been reported stolen.
Yeah, there was a bolo put out on it so I just had to...
Was there?
Yeah.
Must have been your mother, I guess.
Someone called into the station and said...
Is Dave... are you going to see Dave?
Is that where you're going?
I'm going to see Eric.
Dave's brother.
Dave's been and gone...
I'm driving to Eric's.
I shouldn't be telling you this.
You don't need to know this.
To Eric's house?
Yeah.
To his house already?
That's a little soon.
Do you have a key?
No, I don't have a key.
Do you want a key?
We're just meeting there.
Do you want a key?
Can you give me...
I don't want a key to my new...
To your new what?
We're not official.
It's not like that.
So there's a chance.
Well, that's all I have.
Look, honestly...
So say if something was to happen.
I need you to know that this isn't happening.
You and Eric?
No, no, no.
Me and Dave.
Isn't happening.
Me and Eric are not on the cards.
Me and you...
What if those cards...
You're gone.
What if those cards were to...
Prehistoric, George.
What if those cards were to find themselves up a river and just...
It's a mountain and they couldn't be around and then you needed a shoulder to cry on.
That's the thing.
That happened.
Where's your dad?
Alive.
That's nice.
That's really nice.
Do you know why I pulled you over?
It was six years ago, George.
Yeah, it was.
And you've moved on so fast.
You didn't even mourn a relationship.
You look nice.
I miss 15 to 1.
I don't like watching Tipping Point.
Makes me stress.
This is supposed to be a relaxation room.
The scary part is supposed to be when we're in the truck.
We're going to help people.
This is supposed to be fun.
I don't like Tipping Point.
It's too tense.
We can change the channel.
Over my dead body.
Today is my day to pick.
I pick Tipping Point.
And you know what?
If you can't handle Tipping Point, you're not going to handle a roaring inferno.
I mean, I've seen him handle a roaring inferno and he's pretty good at it.
That's true.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have accused you.
Sorry.
I'm really tense.
I am sort of tense.
This woman really wants to get that money.
They just keep landing on the edge.
I don't know what they call it, but it just keeps landing on the edge of that thing.
I'm invested in the human interest story here.
The questions are weak and the game itself.
It's just chance.
It's just a game of chance.
The questions have to be weak because legally it would be a gambling game.
You two keep accusing the show of this and I won't have it.
ITV has accused the show of this.
It's a game of skill and human connection.
It's gambling and weak questions.
Oh, if you want to talk about connection.
I've got a bone to pick with me, you and Victoria, Coren, Mitchell.
Pointless sucks.
Only connect.
Come on.
I can't watch it.
It makes me feel stupid.
That's the beauty of it.
I don't like feeling stupid.
Yeah.
One time he walked into a door and that was just because there was a fire in the way.
Why do you keep bringing that up?
It was pretty funny.
It wasn't funny.
It was funny.
It wasn't funny.
Everyone survived so we're allowed to laugh at it now.
Okay, yeah, if the family died, yeah, it wouldn't have been funny, but jeepers, they all survived.
So there wasn't anything funny, but I did it and I immediately recovered and I kicked
down the door and I saved the family.
He never mentioned that part.
Yeah, but that's not funny.
That's just doing a good job.
I'm in this job for quiz shows in the rec room and the slapstick on the call light.
I don't know why you guys are here.
That's why I signed up to the fire brigade.
I've just been, I don't know.
I did it.
I got out of school and now I don't know what else I could do.
I just needed a job, needed somewhere to live.
You live here?
Don't we all?
I just thought you did a lot of odd shifts.
I thought you should-
Wait, when you leave here, you don't come back until the morning?
Well, if you live here, what do you think of-
Where do you go?
My home.
Is your home not the fire engine?
I don't live in a fire engine, no.
I could have been sleeping in the fire engine.
I thought you had the fire engine.
Don't sleep in a fire engine.
Why not?
It needs to be ready to go to get moments notice.
If I'm in it, it's always ready.
William, I'm sorry to break it to you.
I also have a home.
Just sometimes I do sleepovers to keep you company.
You know about this?
Yeah, I've not wanted to upset him.
So both fire engines are free?
I thought you had the other.
I've been sleeping in this, across the old sofa.
Why?
I could have been in either really comfy fire engine.
I feel like you've got tunnel vision here.
You could live outside the fire station.
Why?
Because it's more comfortable?
I signed up my life for this fireman.
You're my brothers.
And we live here in this big house.
You're telling me we don't live this isn't a house of a family?
You've been here for three years.
How have you not noticed we leave?
I thought you went to the fire engines.
That's why I never bollard you in the fire engines.
That's really considerate.
Yeah.
That's so kind.
I thought if you were in there, I will let you do your sleep.
Oh, there's a collar.
I feel like we're invested in this now.
We better do it.
If nothing else, we're still fire.
We might not be a family, but we're firefighters.
I say we give it five.
First of all, I want to see the end of Tipping Point.
Second of all, James is napping in a fire engine.
At least someone's using it.
Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?
Yeah. No, I think I did.
I do.
It's your father, Victor, is he?
He is.
Is your mum Wilhelmina?
Yeah, that's my mum.
I know exactly why you pulled me over.
Tell her to give him back his lawnmower.
He got it back.
That was 1992.
He got it back.
That wasn't the same one.
And she knows it.
It was the same one.
It wasn't the same one.
Look, it was the same brand, same color.
It was the exact same lawnmower.
Something happened with that lawnmower
that your family won't tell our family.
Nothing happened with that lawnmower.
It was the exact same one he got back.
It didn't have the scratch.
It didn't have the scratch on the left-hand side.
Look, my mum buffed it out.
Look, she was trying to do a nice thing.
You lent it to her.
No, something happened and you got a brand new one
and you just got a little bit of dirt on it.
It's the same one.
You and your family, your whole family,
is just deranged.
No, we're not.
We're police officers.
Yeah, well, I mean, that doesn't say anything good
about the lawnmower, does it, in this town?
Look, I don't want to get into this spot again.
You don't want to get in the spot?
Well, then why did you pull me over?
Was it, I presume, to steal the lawnmower?
To give you a chance to.
Officer, if that's all it is, then.
I'm just going to drive on out of here.
Fine.
But I'm bringing my lovely brisket
to your family barbecue next week.
You know that my mum is cooking for everybody.
You better not bring that brisket.
I'm going to bring the fucking brisket.
Better not bring that brisket.
I'm going to bring the brisket.
You bring that brisket.
That's it.
My mother's favourite recipe.
That's it. That's it for our families.
You've been on a knife edge for 30-odd years now.
Yeah, well, we were so close to breaking it off
and then your stupid niece had to get married
to my stupid nephew.
Got to pull it together for the young ones.
Can't, we've got to bury this feud.
I don't get why they have to renew their values.
Why do we have to go to the party?
I'm bringing the brisket.
Alright, fine, I won't bring the brisket.
Thank you.
That's very big of you.
It was the same lawnmower.
It wasn't the same lawnmower.
It didn't make the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
It was too clean. It was too easy.
She got it serviced.
Oh, so she, first she buffed it,
and then she got it serviced?
Yes, she got it serviced.
Your story's falling apart, David.
Look, she got it serviced.
It was a nice thing to do.
You lent it to her.
You didn't need a lawnmower!
It wasn't in a good order.
She needed it fixed before she could actually do anything with it.
That's a lie.
You just have to know how to work it.
The one that would return to us worked perfectly.
Look, I haven't wanted to say this,
but your family just doesn't know how to look after things.
Huh.
My family doesn't know how to look after things.
It's your uniform.
How dare you.
I was in...
There are creases.
I was in a hurry this morning.
Well, your family's often in a hurry, aren't they?
Wow. That's low.
That's low even for you.
Good.
You...
No, I'm not gonna step to your level.
That's fine.
David.
See you at the barbecue.
So I'll see you at the barbecue.
Could I have some leftovers?
You gonna bring that brisket?
No, no, I won't bring the brisket.
I'll make you a wee doggie bag to go.
Thank you.
Yes, sir, you wanted to make a complaint about a banking system, I hear.
A bank branch?
Yes, sir.
The one in Dunbracken.
Whoa. Oh, the bank branch in Dunbracken.
It's a very prestigious branch, you know.
I hardly think it is. They told me...
They have an award-winning teller there by the name of Gary.
He's so spectacular.
Gary, that's his name.
He told me the amount I wished to withdraw was...
Can you believe this? He said it was too boring.
Oh, how dare he.
How dare he indeed.
That's the exact amount of money I needed for my grocery shopping.
That is shocking.
You had taken the time to purposefully calculate the exact amount of money.
Hi, Eric. I'd like to make a complaint.
Hello, Geraldine. Lovely to see you.
What's the matter, my dear?
She wasn't even in the room.
The thing is, I found the bank's floor is quite sticky.
Oh, I'm ready when you are.
Oh, let's go and kick some bottom.
Thanks, boys. I appreciate you listening to my complaint and taking me so seriously.
Absolutely. You have very serious complaints all the time.
I do. I come in here quite often.
I just want to clarify one thing with the gentleman behind you.
Just give me a minute, Geraldine.
I was in front of her.
Don't speak to him.
You're boring. I can tell by your face you're boring.
What was the amount of money you wanted to withdraw?
Fifty pounds.
Boring? Oh, god.
And fifty-five pence, god damn it!
Get out. Get out and don't show your face and dumbbracken again.
I will. And I shall take my custom to another bank in another town.
Like what town?
Dunfunkin.
Do you know why I pulled you over there?
I know we were speeding, but we are trying to get to that fire.
We're sort of supposed to be on the same side here.
I know. It just seems unsafe.
The speed you're going... There's a reasonable speed you can go to.
Officer, the lights are on.
We are warning people.
Yeah, I had to put my lights on to get to you.
You're going to the same place as us.
Sorry, Geraldine, can we hurry up with this?
Can we go a little bit faster, please?
Can we just talk about this when we're there?
Please?
I mean, I've got to write you a ticket at the very least.
Can you write it when we're doing the stuff on the hose?
Alright, how about this? I'll get in with you and then you can...
No, Jesus!
I'll explain the situation while we're on the way there.
The library is alight as we speak. Can we go?
The most flammable building in time!
I wish I could say yes, but I need to...
You're wasting your own time here. I just need to...
Fine, okay. Where's your book? Write it.
I have to go back to my car.
Jesus Christ!
Sorry, I'll be back in a second.
No, we need to go. Come on!
We're cold. We're cold.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Get back here! Hey!
Phone rings
Oh, hi.
Hey, uh, is this the... is this the Department of Transport here?
Me? Are you?
No, you. Are you? Is this the Department of Transport?
I'm trying to get through to the Department of Transport.
Oh, sure. I can transfer you. Just one moment.
Hello?
Hello, Department of Transport. Is that you there now?
This is the Department of Transport?
Yeah, I've been trying to get through to you. Look here.
Now, I was down the bus stop there and I caught myself something nasty on a rusty nail.
And I wanted to know who it was that I could report it to.
And also, what you were going to do about it.
Because that nail's been there for, god, three weeks now.
It's getting rustier by the day. It's a hazard, so it is.
Is the nail attached to, like, a bus or...?
No, no, no. It's right on the seat, like, poking up through it.
I don't want to tell you what I did.
Well, did you sit on it?
Aye, that's pretty much the gist of it, to be honest, would you?
You said you knew it was there.
I mean, I'd known for, like, probably a week or so.
But, you know, you just... you never mind whenever you're looking...
like, waiting for a bus, sure.
You're just always distracted, looking to see when the timetable is
and when it's coming and what's driving past.
Is it up the street? Have I missed it?
And, like, who's this here at the bus stop, you know?
We're more concerned with the actual roads and the buses
and being on time and stuff.
I'll transfer you through to Public Relations here, sure.
No, no, no, no, no. Don't transfer.
All right, dude, that's just you over there now.
Hello?
Hello. Um, is this...?
Hello?
Sorry, is this Public Relations now here?
Hello, is there anyone there?
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Hello? Hello, I'm calling.
Is this Public Relations?
Here, no.
Hello?
Are you Public Relations?
No, I... no, you're Public Relations here.
Oh, OK, hello?
Hello, um...
I'd like to make a complaint.
No, I've been transferred to you
and I'd like to tell you about a rusty nail at the bus stop.
Hey, I was trying to tell you about a rusty nail at the bus stop.
Somebody's trying to take my rusty nail away.
So you already know about the rusty nail at the bus stop?
It's my rusty nail.
Oh, well, I hope you're going to be doing something about it.
There's some bastard trying to take it away.
Well, I mean...
He's saying that the other side of the bus is calling them right now.
Thank goodness that someone's trying to take it away.
It's an absolute hazard.
It's my rusty nail. I can put it where I want.
Wait, you're saying you put it there?
Are you Public Relations? Are you trying to take my rusty nail away?
No, no, no, no, no, you're misunderstanding.
I called you and you're the...
I'm not misunderstanding. I called you.
No.
Don't tell me who I'm misunderstanding.
No, hold on. You've got this whole thing backwards now.
Listen, you're supposed to be listening to my commands.
So you're trying to keep the rusty nail. We're in agreement.
No, no, no, no, I want rid of the rusty nail.
Come on, rid of the rusty nail.
It's rusty and it's bloody now to be honest.
Sure, what did I do to you? Oh, you're trying to...
You're making it bloody now. You're trying to make it stop.
Give it some oxygen.
Hold on just a minute. I can't hear you over this guy next to me.
Would you shut up for a minute?
Fuck you.
Now, look, the thing about this nail is...
This is just some fella. He's shining in my ear here.
You know, funny thing is, same thing's happening to me.
Oh, God, that's just not great, is it?
Here, yeah, I know.
You're showing like a good fella.
So do you, you know, like it's...
Sometimes you just happen to have a pleasant conversation.
Simon?
Yeah, Mary?
Yeah, I thought you were transferring me a call.
I transferred that like two minutes ago.
No, I didn't. It just kind of went to dial tone.
I couldn't hear anything unless I was muted.
Oh, I might have been muted. I might have dropped the call.
Oh.
Can you get them back?
Oh, yeah, sure. Here, I'll get... I see it actually.
The red light's on here, yeah.
There's two. There's two red lights on here, Mary.
What do you mean there's two red lights?
There's two.
Someone's dealing with that.
It's fine. Is it OK if I take lunch?
Yes.
Thanks, Simon.
That sounds like a terrible day you've had.
Would you like to go for a drink in the pub?
You know what? I would actually be... I would just be lovely.
Sometimes you just meet someone over the phone
and you know their souls good.
Just instant connection, you know?
Would you just keep it down? I'm trying to have a nice conversation with my new friend.
For God's sake, this is the first time I've had connection in months.
For the first time, it's the first time I've had connection in months.
You think your connection's more important than my connection?
Sorry, good friend. I'll be back in a sec.
I'm not even interested in this bus anymore. Just go about your day.
I've never been interested in the bus, but I'm less interested in you.
Look, I'm so sorry about this person here.
Oh.
Just have no manners.
Are you having trouble? God.
You know, just people aren't like they used to be.
They aren't like they used to be.
People used to be nicer.
People used to have just a bit of decorum about them.
They did?
Do you remember back in the day you could sit in the bus and you could talk to anyone you'd want?
You'd talk to the person next to you, the driver, whoever gets on it.
Used to be lovely.
No, no matter how you try and give a friendly, how do you do?
And they'll try and throw their dog at you.
Or they'll just completely ignore you, you know?
Completely ignore you.
You're just staring at their phones.
Yeah.
That's what they are.
Their phones is like a backhand of a fist from your father.
Here, but you know what?
Like in the good old days.
Like I'm going to Andy's pub, would you like?
Sure, we'll meet you there.
I'll meet you there.
I'll be at the bar.
I'm the one with the blue coat, you'll see me.
I'll be there.
Now you know why I pulled you over.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
There's less and less.
Every second that you try and pull us in, there's less and less books.
Look, I had to just, like I had to get a police bar key around certain streets to stop you.
Spit it out, come on, please.
Look, I just need to write you a ticket.
I have my book out here, but now I have to write you two tickets because you're...
Jesus.
Oh my God.
You're now obstructing the law.
There could be librarians in that building.
It doesn't matter.
I need to keep these streets safe.
What do you mean it doesn't matter?
It doesn't matter.
We're on the same side here.
We are on the same side, the side of the law.
You can't just...
The side of no fire.
There's a protocol here.
We've got the lights on.
We're overtaking traffic.
You know why you do need on, need on?
We also do need on, need on.
I know you do need on, need on because no one can hear my need on, need on.
That's what this is about.
No, it's not.
It's an adequacy.
No, it's not.
It's your ego.
No, because the need on, need on are the exact same, but it's because whenever they could
hear yours, they couldn't hear mine.
We all know about the top-water effects.
Look, it's nothing to do with the top.
I just need to write you tickets and then you can be on your way.
I don't know why he's there.
I'm just going to write these two tickets here.
Oh, no.
Oh, I get what's going on here.
Oh, yeah.
No.
It's not whenever the big red trucks on the road, yeah.
No, I'm just trying to keep these safe.
It's nothing to do with your big red flamboyant ridiculous machine.
There's nothing, no, it's compensation.
Sorry, we can't hear you.
You're slightly too far away.
Is it compensation?
I'm going to, there's lucky there's ladders on here.
You're lucky there's ladders.
Yeah, yeah, you didn't do too well on the ladders tests.
No, no.
When you failed to get into the fire station.
No, don't bring that up now.
Don't bring up that I couldn't work out that it was a pull door instead of a push door.
So I couldn't enter the building for the test.
Just admit that this is what this is all about.
No, no, I could be a fireman.
No, you can't.
It's not about that.
I can do the jumps.
I can do the test just because one time I couldn't get into the building.
That's not fair.
It was a pull door when it should be in a push.
I couldn't.
It said push.
No, we'll get to the library and you can try it again.
We'll let you use the hose.
Just let us drive.
Don't promise them that.
I'm using the hose.
All right.
Let me in.
You really had to sit between us.
Yeah, I did.
It was the only available seat.
What did you want me to do?
Can't get to the gear stick.
I'll move.
Fine.
Jesus.
Now you're on me.
Well, where do you want me to be?
Not on me.
In your own car.
This is unbelievable.
So our place is with a dog.
Use of a dog?
What?
Every fire truck has a dog.
Use of multiple dogs.
Use of two dogs.
We have two dogs.
They're brothers.
And they wear fireman coats.
And hats.
It's kind of impractical, so we mostly leave those in the station.
I could have been watching Tipping Point.
Oh, God.
Not Tony.
Anybody but Tony.
Tony was a brave firefighter.
So brave when it came to burning infernos.
Tony.
Why?
He gave himself up to the flame goddess, didn't he?
But he saved a lovely little child.
Tony was the best firefighter this side of the river.
Why are you crying?
Because Tony's dead.
Tony's dead?
Yeah.
What happened?
He gave himself up to the flame goddess.
He couldn't get the water fast enough out of his hose.
So he thought if he spat on his uniform and body slammed the fire, it would go out.
And I tried to tell him, Tony, it's an inferno.
It's an entire block on fire.
And he just went for it.
That's just the opposite of what we were trained to do.
Oh, Tony.
Well, Tony went by his own rule, but didn't he?
He was a renegade, a maverick, a pioneer in firefighting.
He was my lover.
Let's not forget that.
He saved a child.
And a kitten and a puppy all in the same stroke of his.
Guys, he was my lover.
What?
Yeah.
A dirty old sod.
What a prick.
What was he like in bed?
Holy shit.
I'm not telling you that.
That's private.
Why not?
Because a lady doesn't tell those sort of details.
That's all right.
I mean, he was hung like a donkey, but he was my Tony.
And even though nobody ever knew and he wouldn't tell anybody about us, I loved him.
This is an outrage.
Tony was my lover.
What?
Yes.
And he was hung more like a platypus.
A platypus?
Yes, that is a more apt description of how we like to hang out.
He didn't like to hang out like a donkey.
Oh.
Yes.
How long were you with Tony?
I'm going to guesstimate about two, two and a half weeks.
On and off.
There was that we spent around the holidays, but we worked it out.
I was with him for three.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, EIOU.
Guys, I have a confession to make.
What?
Oh.
I knew about both of these dalliances with him.
He went to me for advice and I told him to follow his heart.
But he said, what do you do when a heart is shattered and two paths have been created?
So which did you advise him to go with?
I said, just keep following the heart.
There's two paths.
Just keep...
Have a broken heart?
That seems like bad advice.
No, I told him to.
Clearly what he's trying to say here is that he loved us both equally.
So we kept both doing us both, which I'm calling bullshit on.
Well, I have another bomb, Michelle.
He and I had promised ourselves to the Flame Goddess.
No.
It's a murder-suicide act, you know.
Flame.
Well, I guess it's not a...
It's not murder.
Yeah, it's just...
Who's getting murdered?
Not the Flame Goddess.
Does that mean you have to go into it and the next fire that erupts or...
Don't.
It will be my solemn duty.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood.
I love that poem.
And Tony fucked both of them.
I told him.
He read that poem to me every night.
I told him you don't have to follow frost.
You can be both men in both paths.
You're so gussy, you gotta spread that.
Oh, Tony, why?
Tony, you were the road less traveled.
Tony, we'll be together...
Who's that walking past the window?
Oh my God!
Don't show us over my eulogy!
Wait a minute, but there's someone walking past the window!
Fuck, Geoffrey!
Oh, it's not Geoffrey, never mind.
As I was saying, Tony, we shall meet again...
In Flame Heaven.
Don't know when.
Chief, you're not gonna do it, are you?
Smell me.
Chief.
Chief, why are you...
Chief.
I'm dripping in petrol.
Oh, it's not...
Guys!
That's not petrol, Chief, that's cooking oil.
Leave away.
But you're not gonna self-emulate if you're covered in cooking oil.
Aren't I?
You're gonna sizzle a bit, maybe, but you're not gonna go up in flames like the flaming monk of...
Wait, wait.
That place where he put himself on fire.
We got that new 10 liter air fryer so he could go into that.
It was very dramatic.
Chief, you have so much to live for.
You have a wife and 10 children.
Fuck them.
Thank you for listening.
and James Fulton.