Hi, so I've been sort of, my call has been redirected a couple of times. Am I in the
right place now? Are you poison control?
Yeah, you're through to poison control. How can I help you?
That's great. So this is nothing urgent. So I don't know if I need to call back like
a non-emergency number or is this fine? Or can I just chat or?
Oh, we can chat.
That's brilliant. So you don't know me. I'm Paul. I'm trying to organize like a
town fair.
Oh, I do know you Paul.
Oh, only good things I hope. Right. So I'm trying to bring it back. And one of the frequently
requested things was that there should be a poison control presence. Now, I'm very
insistent this year won't be needed, but a lot of people would feel good if someone
was there. I don't know.
Well, Paul, I'm delighted to hear you've taken snakes off the bill because that was
the cause of most of the problems.
I mean, it was an interesting thing. The guy from Grexlist, I got to run the pets who said
these were all licensed snakes. And what I learned is that in the UK there's 300 licensed
snakes. He owned most of them. That was a shock to me. And I'm fairly sure some of
them weren't licensed.
And just to be clear, whenever they say licensed snake, they mean licensed to kill. Okay.
Is that okay? I just.
Yeah. People here license and think safety, but you know, those snakes, they're straight
up killers.
They didn't kill anyone though. I appreciate they had the potential to, but they didn't.
And that's important to remember. And there won't be any snakes this year. No snakes.
Good. No venomous animals at all. That's.
No, no. The guy from Grexlist has been asking me, he's heard about the town fair, but I
said, please, please come this year.
You keep saying Grexlist. Yeah.
Yeah. You sure about that?
Yeah.
Why?
I use a different website.
eBay?
No, a guy, Craig, he also runs a website.
Oh, did he rip off Grexlist?
Yeah.
Mayor would like to inform everyone that their cat is missing. Everyone has been allocated
names to call out and must stop what they are doing right now. Right. This instant to
find Mayor Under's cat, do what you're told, find whatever name of cat you have been given
and maybe, just maybe he'll turn the lights back on.
OK, now you join us at this exhumation of a Dunbracken local from 2000 years ago. First
tipped off that this could be a site of interest by this clay pot that we found. And we have
had that carbon dated. I am joined here by a carbon dating expert, Melville David. Welcome,
Melville.
I could say it's at least 10 years old.
At least 10.
At least 10. We've run the sample. As you know, carbon dating is very precise and the
meter has came up as it's not from the future.
No.
It's not current. Is it within the last 10 years unlikely but possible?
Over 10 years. Very likely.
And do you think there's a possibility that this could have been made by some of the locals
or purchased perhaps in a shop then?
Well, if it was to be purchased in a shop, it would have had to have been potentially
more than 10 years ago. Do we still have evidence of shops more than 10 years? Yes.
I would also like to point out, Jimmy folklore, I would like to point out that there's no
labels on it. There's no barcode on it. So that would suggest that it wasn't from a shop
and or if it was, someone has scratched it off, but there doesn't seem to be any label
residue.
The problem with this label residue theory is we don't have the full pot. We don't have
the base of the pot where a label would reside. We don't have the lip of the pot, the price
tag or stringed vessel may have held a price or label. So to say that the pot doesn't have
a label, we just don't know.
And of course the base of the pot was the original reason we searched in this land for
what ended up finding this exhumed body. So it was the lack of a label that really set
this whole investigation into motion.
And can I ask you now to turn your attention as a carbon data and expert to the body here
that we have uncovered. Do you think in your professional and maybe even personal opinion
that this body is older than 10 years old or rather has been dead for more than 10 or
has been in the ground for more than 10 years? We have to be very specific regarding this.
Thank you for respecting the craft. So my initial analysis is that this body could be
from the future.
This could be from the future.
It could be from the future. We just have no way of knowing that it's not. If we look
at the body, it's both charred and young. The flesh has a softness to it that would
suggest it's alive, but yeah, it is not. It's cold.
So it's cold, supple, young flesh currently rotting. So there's still flesh on this exhumed
body.
There is, but, but no labels.
But yet rotting without a label.
No way of knowing. There's no tag on the toe, which means it wasn't in a coroner's office.
In fact, no foot at all where a label would be.
Nope.
How could we even tell if there was a label?
We don't have the feet.
Very ugly as well, which makes me personally dislike it to begin with and not want to fully
carry out my investigation.
I, on the other hand, am more intrigued.
Is this something that you're going to pursue?
When I see a face that's not beautiful, I think, well, why not? What caused them to
be this way? What winding roads must they have taken in life to really have to live
in such a way as to be an outcast?
And I have object permanence, which means I stop paying attention to anything I find
remotely ugly.
I see. So you believe that you cannot simply be born ugly, that this is something that
has happened?
As a result of life's choices, you become a combination of every decision that you make
and the ugliness is inherent from the way that you've chosen to behave.
This is one of our great debates, of course, because I have made many, many terrible decisions
and I do not believe they are the cause of my stark ugliness. I believe that I was born
with this, but...
And I say if he had chosen another path, we would not have to look at him like this.
Well, there we have it. An opinion that ugliness is a choice and another one that you are born
ugly and that it comes from within.
Hey everybody, welcome back to Dumb Rackin 105.7. It's me, Roger Sterling, here with
another lovely interview.
Today we are here with someone very, very intriguing. I don't like to take the pleasure
away from our guests and introduce them myself, so why don't you go on ahead and let everybody
know what you're doing here.
Hey, I'm Jimmy Two Legs.
Jimmy Two Legs, it is an absolute pleasure to have you on the show.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.
Yeah.
It's my understanding that you have some important news to share with Dumb Rackin.
Yeah, everybody. It's your local Jimmy Two Legs. I've been working on my two legs this
whole time and I've got a new song.
You got a new song?
Yeah, it's coming out on CD, cassette and DVD.
Incredible. We've actually had quite the resurgence of upcoming artists in Dumb Rackin lately.
It's amazing.
I'm sure you've heard Mr. Mildew. He's been releasing a Christmas single. He's actually
in the process of writing a new album.
Jimmy Two Legs does not listen to Mr. Mildew.
I mean, that's fair. I don't think many of the people of Dumb Rackin actually listen
to Mr. Mildew either.
But Jimmy, tell us more. Is it a single you've produced or are you talking about an EP? Is
it going to be a full album?
It is a ringtone.
A ringtone? Interesting. We don't get that a lot. People don't really make ringtones
these days. We don't see much of a focus on it.
Let me in. Let me in. No, Jimmy. Let me in. Hey, hey, hey.
Mr. A-
Hey, do not trust. Do not trust this guy. It's me, Polly Two Arms and you do not trust
the ringtone.
Polly.
I will not have that sweet-
No, no, Jimmy.
Polly.
No.
Polly weeping through this. Polly looking through my two eyes and looking through my
two legs.
No. That's how you get me every time.
Polly looking through my two eyes and looking through my two legs.
Okay, I'm back on board.
He's back on board.
I'm normally listening to this.
I don't encourage this type of behavior, but-
Sorry, I just, I was-
No. I saw him walking past hitting his little flinging little two arms and I thought, oh,
there's Polly Two Arms. He's coming into cause some nonsense.
Yeah. Where's two legs walking to? Hey, the radio station's there. Hey, he's just made
a new ringtone and I can't even be- Oh no.
Are you in the music industry as well, Polly?
I am. We used to collaborate together.
Yeah. We had a falling out.
We did.
Well, I mean, please tell me more. This is incredible. You're hearing a live reunion
and fight all at once on air here, listeners.
The problem was that, of course, we had evenly distributed the body.
Yeah.
He took the legs.
I got the legs.
And I took the arms.
And the brain.
And he got the brain and he got the feet. I only got the legs.
But then I realized, hey, that's one more thing. You need to take another thing and
you wouldn't take another thing.
I wouldn't take it. I didn't want it. I had enough. Hey, Jimmy, two legs only needs two
legs, two eyes, no feet.
Jimmy tricked me.
I'm sensing some, like there's a lack of appreciation perhaps for Polly.
Oh no, no. There's a lot of love. There's a lot of love.
A lot of love, a lot of love.
Jimmy's two legs can stand on their own two feet.
Hey, I don't.
But you do not.
Hey, I don't need two feet.
No, no, no.
Hey, Jimmy doesn't need two feet.
Of course. They can stand on their own, especially with their musical talent.
Hey, bring that on.
Does the music talent, when the collaboration happens, is that working through that process,
please feel free to describe it to me.
It's a beautiful thing.
It's like standing in a storm and your back is to the earth.
Yeah. So, you know, you're grounded and safe, but all around you, rage of God.
Yeah. It's like, it's like Zeus. Zeus said, Polly, Timmy, Jimmy. Timmy was my old friend.
He died.
Timmy died. I took Timmy's place.
Hey.
There once was, could have been two Timmy's, but no.
No.
There was not.
There was one.
Because Polly came.
Polly came along with his two arms.
Polly, two arms.
That is incredible.
One brain.
I mean, we don't normally.
I am sorry for busting in here.
Polly, no, no, no.
It's absolutely fine.
It's all up.
I'm going to give the medical bills of your editor to me.
You did hit the bodyguard pretty hard.
I mean, I suppose that's why they call you Polly, two arms.
I hit him with both of them.
Hey, when this guy starts swinging, he's slailing like a windmill.
It's a beautiful sight.
He's like the Tasmanian devil, but just with two arms.
But with just two arms.
I'm two feet.
Sorry, I just need to speak to my producer for a second.
Are we, are we, is there going to be like a legal repercussion for this?
Are we, are we going to be okay?
So you made a new ringtone.
Oh, that's a very exciting thing.
It's coming out in DVD.
Oh, even better.
And then people can record it on their phone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
DVD, DVD.
Okay.
Well, guys, yeah, wow.
Thank you so much for coming in.
Let me ask you something.
If you had to give advice to someone, to the youth of Dunbracken, what would you say to
them as a final word?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You may only have two legs.
You may only have two arms.
You may only have two feet.
But you know what you got one of?
You got one of?
A heart.
Except I didn't.
He got the heart.
That is beautiful.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you, Paulie.
I know, sorry we didn't have everything properly set up for you.
No, no, no.
It's all love.
Yeah.
Jimmy.
I came in here with so much vitriol for you, but then I looked at your two legs and your
two eyes.
You couldn't look in my two eyes.
Yeah.
Paulie, Paulie.
You know you couldn't look in my two eyes and say no to me.
Well, that's going to be us.
Thank you so much for listening.
This is Roger Stirling from Dunbracken 105.7 signing off.
Thank you so much.
Danielle, I'm so, I'm so sorry.
I thought I didn't realize that comical whipped cream pies were just the cream.
I thought it would be more effective if I had the full rhubarb pie underneath.
And I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to do the damage that I've done.
I just wanted to have a silly little prank to record, to send in some WhatsApp groups.
That child is in the hospital now.
I didn't, I didn't know.
I just thought that it was normal.
I thought people reacted well to being hit in the face with, you know, full short cross
pastry pies.
You cooked a full short cross pastry pie.
Yes.
You used oven mitts and threw a Pyrex bowl.
It's at the start of the video.
I thought it was going to be good misdirection.
I also didn't know the child was going to walk up.
You didn't even take it out of the bowl and put it into like tin foil.
You threw glass.
Yeah.
It was fresh out the oven.
I needed, I'd spent so much time making the pie that I needed to catch up.
So I just put whipped cream on the top of it and it started melting and I threw it.
So it was hot and cold.
Jim now has to get rhubarb surgically removed.
It has burned into, it is, he has been, he is now a syrup boy.
Daniel, I didn't mean for Jim to be a syrup boy.
I think that's evident.
I am repentant.
I will go to church and I will explain to the priest everything that happened.
Heck, I will show him the video.
Just cause you go to church doesn't mean you're not going to get a fine.
What do you mean get a fine?
Can't get out of this.
At the very least, you're going to get a fine.
There's a good chance.
Daniel, don't issue me a fine.
I'm not going to issue you a fine.
It's going to be the law.
There's going to be a good chance that you're going to get worse than a fine.
I'm saying like worst case scenario, a fine is what you're going to get.
Daniel, I can, I can delete the video and you can just not tell anyone.
You put the video up?
No, it's in my drafts.
I just won't put it in the WhatsApp groups.
Don't put it, why would you?
Yes, don't put it, delete it.
Delete all evidence.
Intention was a funny little thing to share around because I always see people sharing
their own clips and they're getting all these laugh reacts.
And maybe I just want a bit of that.
I don't even need the conversation.
I don't even need that gratification.
I just want to be a part of something.
I just wanted to have something to show and I didn't mean to make Jim into a Syrup boy.
You weren't able to call the ambulance for four minutes because you still wanted to get
his full reaction.
It's important to get full coverage just in case I need to go back in the edit later and
cut to a wide shot.
Look, no one likes Jim.
We can all admit that none of us like it, but we, I just don't think he deserves to
be a Syrup boy.
I didn't mean to get Jim.
Who are you trying to get?
I meant to get Tim.
His twin?
The town council would like to inform everyone that the search for a new sister city has
begun.
It's fine.
It's, it's not a big deal.
We're moving on.
We've got a load of new sister cities in the pipeline anyway, so it's not like we needed
them to make ourselves feel good.
We're at, I mean, we're not a city.
We're just a town.
But it's, we don't need anyone to define ourselves, but we're going to continue trying
to find someone, you know, cause it's not like we should stop trying.
It's going to, it's going to be okay.
This isn't the end for us just cause we don't have a sister city anymore.
Even though we're a town, look, it's just, it's a confusing period for us.
I bet you they're doing really well.
Probably got a new city that's like won awards and has gangrene awareness and nobody's died
in forever.
Dunbracken, the biggest small town in the world.
We'll be okay.
Anyway, so, I mean, I've got like an official, like a qualified person to run the pedicure
this year.
So I think, I think I'm locked in now.
Okay.
And whenever you say you've got a qualified guy, you've, you've checked that license,
right?
That's a vet and everything.
Oh, okay.
They're a lot more expensive, but I think it'll be worth it.
Okay.
So this isn't another license to kill, Paul, you're sure about that?
No, it's an actual, it's an actual vet.
He was, he was very insistent that the other guy wouldn't be there as well.
He messaged me a lot and I thought maybe he could like shadow, but the vet was very insistent.
No, no guy from Greg's list.
Okay.
So what I'm hearing is you got no venomous animals coming.
You've got a pet and yes.
And in fact, I've asked the people at the gates, if anyone comes in with their own venomous
animals, do not let them in.
Okay.
So what about poison control?
Where do we come in?
So a lot of people aren't confident in my ability to guarantee no venomous reptiles.
Okay.
They're also concerned because last year, well, people didn't have much of an opportunity
to eat.
They suspected some of the food was not of great quality.
So they would just feel a lot better about having someone from poison control there.
Yeah.
Okay.
Like if you come, I'll get you somewhere to stay and you get to, you know, enjoy the
fare for free.
You just sort of need to be like on call.
Oh, that'd be great.
Yeah.
I heard the food was tasty, if not risky.
And this year it'll just be tasty.
Yeah.
Okay.
I doubt that so much.
I mean, I think there's a reason I'm coming.
Well, the reason was that I had dropped the ball and cut too many corners, one would say.
Yeah.
I mean, these are all the things I had heard about you.
Yeah.
I'm concerned you've heard about me.
Do you live close to down Bracken or is rain for me spread?
Oh, no, no, no.
And I mean, I need to speak about that.
I do need quite substantial transport fees.
Oh, okay.
Right.
I'll see what I can do.
I have some budget.
It's just, okay.
Well, I've got my own place.
You can stay at my place.
There'll be one other vendor staying there as well.
And I'm not allowed to be staying there.
So you two may have to place to yourself.
I'll take you up on that.
I'll bring the boat.
It runs on.
Yeah.
It runs on diesel.
It's good.
It's a good boat.
Where are you located?
I'm in an island.
Oh, okay.
That's great.
What's the like petrol costs to get here?
I think it's going to cost about 11, 11, 12 pounds each way.
It's not much.
Okay.
No, I can spring that.
Okay.
All right.
That's great.
And I'm allowed to tell people someone from poison control will be there because some
people have agreed to come, but they don't want it to be known until the day.
I'd prefer for it to be a surprise.
It's just a lot of people will only come if they know someone from poison control.
I wouldn't have to name you, but I didn't catch your name.
Let's just keep that a surprise too.
You sound just like the guy from Gregg's List.
That's I'm a little bit concerned, but I can see more qualified.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm nothing like the guy of Gregg's List.
Oh, I was worried that you weren't qualified there for a second.
You give me a heart attack.
No, no, no.
I know what I'm doing.
Okay.
I've got certificates.
Can I say that your organization is sending representative?
Just tell them it's going to be fine.
Just tell them it's going to be okay.
You've got it under control.
I've said that too many times and sometimes I've gotten a little bit teary when I said
it.
How's your eye contact when you say it?
Just say it like this.
They say it's uncomfortable, but direct.
Just say it like this.
Okay.
Say it's going to be fine.
Trust me.
I'm Paul.
All right.
I've got this under control.
Now that seems a wee bit aggressive.
And it felt a bit aggressive to me.
Was it aggressive?
No, it's assertive.
Assertive.
Yeah.
I've lost a lot of credibility, so I think deferent might be more appropriate for me.
The what, sorry?
Deferent.
Am I using that right?
It's not a word I've ever heard in this island.
Okay.
Greg was confident.
Use it in a sentence?
I am deferent to a higher authority.
You into God, Paul?
I used to be, but I feel like if God was real, he would have stopped me.
Here, what's its name?
Tibbs.
Tibbs?
Here, Tibbs.
Tibbs.
Tibby.
Why do we have to look for the mayor's cat?
Can't he do it himself?
He was elected.
We voted for him, so now we have to do whatever he says.
I'm a bin man.
Just because I work for the council doesn't mean I have to do everything the mayor says.
Well, I'm an accountant.
I don't even work directly for the council.
All right.
You guys have a bad...
We're putting out a fire right now.
Instead, he's put all the firemen on this.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
We've got to find this cat real quick.
Yeah, we've got to get him fast.
Tibbs?
Is it a...
Not that it matters, but is it a boy or girl cat?
I have a list of pseudonyms.
Tibbs, Mr. Tibbles, Mrs. Tibblington, Tibberoo.
Tibberoo?
An Australian cat?
It's unclear.
Have we had a visual description of it yet?
I'm just hoping for a cat that responds to Tibbs.
Yeah, no, same here.
I was busy in the office filing people's taxes and whatnot, so I've never seen this cat.
Do we even know it exists?
I see a lot of cats on the rounds, but I wouldn't know the mayor's cat.
I don't empty the mayor's bin.
Who empties the mayor's bin?
That's above my pay grade.
Okay, interesting.
You think that I would have access to that confidential waste?
I didn't think there was separate bins for different people.
I don't think you know how much you can learn about a man from his waste, what his rappers
are, what his discards lead to.
Wealth of information.
You could steal a man's identity, not just his personal identity for the bank, but his
personality identity.
You could know everything about him.
Mayor Eval uses his privacy too much.
Fair enough.
Didn't mean to touch your nerve there.
I was just learning.
Which is why I'm so surprised we've got so much information about this cat.
Yeah, that is.
Four names.
At least they were known of.
Those are the confirmed ones it responds to.
Again, no visual description though.
It makes it difficult.
Well, I guess as a vet, you can't really steal the identity of a cat.
Sorry.
I've been looking in this tree.
I just overheard just-
Do you mean-
Are you stuck in the tree?
No, I'm here on my own free will.
I think the cat's here.
He'd be able to get you because he's a fireman.
I'm not on fireman duty until we find this cat.
Are you a veterinarian or are you a veteran of some-
No, I actually stole someone's identity and now I'm playing as a veterinarian.
I was about to put down a horse, but got the call and had to go looking for this cat.
Well, either way, thank you for your service.
Thank you.
Tibbs?
Tibb-a-roo?
Miss Tippington, was it?
I have a list that says Tom-Tom.
You have a different list from us?
I have a different list.
Oh.
Thomas, Thomas the cat engine.
That's a deaf- we don't have those names.
To-to.
This might be- you might be on a different cat search.
Wait, is this not the chief of police?
No, this is the mayor's.
Oh.
We're looking for the mayor's cat.
That's- I feel like an idiot.
I've been in this tree for a day.
I think those two run off together.
Oh, that would be nice.
Tibb-a-roo and Thomas the-
Thomas and Tibbs?
Wow.
Yeah, I think so.
Who are we to stand in the way of true cat love?
That's- that's beautiful.
As someone who has been impersonating a veterinarian, is that possible?
Indeed, yeah.
I have seen a lot of cats that I was about to put down and then decided against it because
they had fallen in love and I couldn't do that to the completely healthy cat that would
lose their love.
So instead I allowed them to slowly deteriorate over a year and have to watch the love of
their cat life just become a shell of its once strong life.
Wait.
I hear two cats making love in a bin.
Well, I'll just go kill them both at the same time.
Or wait, no.
I'm stuck in the tree.
Yeah, I mean, I was interested to see how you were going to get down from the-
Well, no, they're safe for now, but if I catch them, I'll probably put them down and it won't
be out of choice.
It'll just be pure instinct.
Can we just put something heavy on the bin lid and wheel it to the mayor and call it
a day?
Deliver onto him two fucking cats.
What if-
I only empty bins.
I don't bring a full bin back.
You must bring them somewhere.
I would need to take the other cat though because I need to get the chief's cat, of
course.
The mayor ranks the chief.
You can't fucking come in here like that.
You can't tell me what I can and can't do.
I'm in the middle of an interview with a good friend of mine.
You punched my body guards.
Are you okay?
Look, let me lighten the mood.
I'll sing my ringtone.
Jimmy, it doesn't- we're not on that right now.
It doesn't matter if you fucking sing your ringtone.
It's not for this.
It's for the room.
It's not gonna calm this down.
It's not gonna fix the situation.
Hey, pick up your phone.
Pick up your phone.
Jimmy, stop.
It's a great ringtone.
Jimmy, stop.
It's a ringtone.
Get on DVD.
Get it on DVD, yeah.
Why is it on DVD?
It's a ringtone.
Because people can record it with their phones.
Is there a hospital on the way?
A hospital on the way.
Look, I will be.
Look, I'm muddled.
I'm muddled.
Look what you've done to me.
Are you saying that I can't come back here and interview?
You're not welcome.
Jimmy, you're not welcome here again.
Oh, you don't do that to Jimmy.
Oh, oh, oh, look into my two eyes.
Look into my two eyes and my two legs.
You know you wanna play.
No, look at what I do for this town.
This is more you are beneath me.
You can say that to Polly Two Arms, but you can't say that to Jimmy Two Legs.
We're gonna take it outside.
I will.
Just that my two arms are gonna be flailing.
DVD.
Not DVD.
Everyone, get the fuck out of here.
Oh, he seems angry.
All right.
Oh, yeah, I'll be.
I love you.
Get the fuck out.
I love you.
All about it.
Back to Dunbraken is created, produced and edited by Connlith McBae.
For more information and podcasts, including the weekly town newsletter, you can follow
us at dunbrakenpod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Marcus Keeley, Laura Conlon, Kieren Sams, Connor
Rettig, Cap McKnight and Arn Marshall.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon and you can check out his
entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening, we look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.