Hey everybody, this is Roger Sterling coming at you from Dunbracken 105.7.
This is so cool.
Paul, just wait one second, I've got to do the intro first and then you can come in once I...
Sorry, won't help me again.
No, it's okay. Don't worry, don't worry. I'll start the intro again and then you can come in.
Hey everybody, it's Roger Sterling coming at you live from Dunbracken 105.7.
And I'm here with a very, very special guest today, guys.
He is the main guy who's been organizing the town fair at the moment, so we're very lucky to have him here.
Like, I actually didn't think we'd even get the time to be in the same studio, so give yourself an introduction there, Paul.
Yeah, you can speak now. Yeah, please.
Oh, it's great to be on the show. It's great to be greeted with joy and enthusiasm.
I'm trying to bring the town fair back, as you said, and everyone in town is attentive about this.
They all have strong opinions, they all have requests, and I'm hoping that everyone will come.
We've got the mayors, go ahead.
Yeah, we've got that too. It's amazing, you know, and we were just...
None of the other mayors have ever shown interest.
First time I've seen a mayor show interest.
Next week? Yeah, it's happening next week.
Okay. Yes.
Sorry, you seem to be exasperated, but I don't think I've done something wrong yet.
No, it's okay. It's okay. So, Paul...
Will you be there? Can I say you'll be there?
Of course I'll be there. Yeah, of course. Yes.
Yes, that's part of the reason why I've got you on the show here today, you know.
I wanted to announce my formal attendance at the fair, and I wanted to just maybe get those last minute ticket sales,
and you know, make sure we get everybody in Dunbrack an attendant, because we all know it's going to be a great time.
You've been working really hard for it.
I have been working really hard on it. It's been difficult because my involvement had contributed to some issues in the past,
so I've been working hard to get other people to contribute so that I would contribute less.
So that's been a big sales point so far.
Lots of people go, have you been organizing? I said, I've been organizing other people to organize it, and they get very excited when they hear that.
Do you want to talk about last year's fair at all?
Well, it's been a few years since the last...
Again, last year, that wasn't a fair. That was just the cleanup from the storm.
People get those confused quite a lot.
That is the case, yeah.
But it showed that there's a community spirit here in Dunbracken, and I think that community spirit can also be put together to have a great family time
and eat cotton candy and guess who that celebrity under the blanket is?
I wonder who it might be. We don't know.
We don't know. It's very exciting.
Very secret. Could be anybody. Could be the biggest celebrity in town. We don't know.
It's out of town.
Well, so you heard it here, first ladies and gentlemen, we have Paul. Thank you so much for coming on today.
I also want to say we've got poison control there. They'll be hanging around.
They're not needed, but they'll be there if you have questions, depending, Sue. No reptiles.
Okay, amazing, yeah.
Oh, yes, I was going to say, you're not allowed to bring your own reptiles. Strict no reptiles policy.
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
The pollution makes the sunset extra beautiful, doesn't it?
It's like a watercoloury kind of atmosphere.
I know. The colours.
Quality. They're just so vivid.
Toxic green hue over the river.
I don't think you'd get that anywhere but Dunbracken.
Honestly, I would never come anywhere else on my dates.
Did you see the porpoise or dolphin? I never quite learned the difference, but there was like a school of them out here last week. Stunning.
Oh, is it like that?
Yes, I was getting like it would be fluid motion, but it was like slow motion.
I know, and you can just really capture the beauty of their movements.
Right?
Like I just wish I had my sketchbook, you know.
I know, but they do disintegrate quickly up here, don't they?
Maybe highlighters would have actually caught the kind of colour scheme even better.
Yeah, and that kind of luminescent kind of effect that comes off it.
I feel like only markers could capture the thickness of the smog as well, and I feel like colouring in pencils may be too opaque for it.
Yeah, so maybe it's, well, I didn't bring my sketchbooks. I probably would have just packed my colouring pencils.
That's such a good point.
Mama, Papa, what would happen if I threw Tabitha off the bridge?
You can take this one.
I says I didn't want to bring him.
I said I didn't want to have him.
Mama?
Oh, yes, dear.
What did you just say?
I said that I didn't want your father to come on this picnic.
No, Papa is ruining it. Look at him. Disgusting.
I have to look at him every morning, honestly.
I'm happy to leave.
Please do.
Both of yous, forever. If this is the way yous want it to be.
Gemma, I'm sorry, this is a funny old time for you to join our family for lunch today, but...
Yeah, and I did think children had been banned from the Outlook.
Zach's special. It's just typically their lungs can't take it.
Yes, I see that, Zach. Very good.
And I understand that this might be a bit odd for you, but do you mind if I just clear up one point with my, for now, husband?
Is this on there for now?
Yes, Simon, if you go, is there any way in which you could take him with you?
No.
Papa, let's go.
No, it's a very much a this or that type situation.
Leave with him.
No, it's a he will be here and I won't be, or he's going and I will be here.
Papa, we can jump together.
Simon, there is one more option.
We all go?
Come on.
Yeah.
I'm coming.
Darling, you stay there. Look out at the pretty, pretty colors talking to your father.
I'll just play with the snails.
Yes, good, good.
I brought your yo-yo, I packed your yo-yo.
I might eat them.
Shush.
Gemma's here. You and I could have another go of it.
I don't see any reason not.
Maybe we'll get on better.
Gemma, you could be my new mama.
We used to like each other.
At some point.
Sorry, guys, I'm only three feet away. Do you want me to hear this?
So the fact that you've already heard the idea, what's your thoughts?
He does seem to be a lively boy. Very smart.
I think that's why.
I'm quite into snails myself. I could do with an assistant.
So many snails.
This could be a win-win-win-win.
Should be just go now.
He's out on nappies. He sleeps mostly through the night.
How's he at cooking?
Snails.
Escargot.
French, very sophisticated.
Escargot.
Good boy, Zarg. You speak French as well.
He's amazing at languages.
Brilliant at languages. Take him on holiday. He just picks it up.
Battle vision, Chakhtun.
He does sound great, but one thought is why are you not rid of him?
Really killing our relationship? It's a massive cock block in the house.
I killed a dog.
What was that, Zarg?
I like ice cream.
Okay.
Lola didn't last long after we arrived.
What's to think about here?
No, no, don't overthink it. Just what does your gut say?
I'm...
You looked like you nodded your head.
Gemma, I can see the maternal instincts jumping out of you.
I did say...
This was going to be my year for saying yes.
Simon, I think we should just go.
Let you two just get used to each other.
What does that say?
It seems this is happening.
Zarg, say goodbye to your mummy and daddy.
Bye.
Bye, Zarg.
Bye.
I guess it's just the two of us.
We should get to know each other.
Yeah.
I killed the dog.
Okay, I'll start the reading now.
Welcome to Mous, the home for funerals.
I'll start this again.
Welcome to Mous, the home for funerals.
We serve all types of funerals here.
Sorry that your loved one is lost or you've lost your...
Mal, would you like me to stop the recording?
It's not going out live.
No, no.
We made sure you said repeatedly to go out live and we were like, no, we'll just record this.
Because I was going to make the joke.
We're going out live.
Unlike your loved one who might be dead.
Oh yeah, that's pretty good.
Go live.
You want to go live?
Okay.
You just want...
Go live.
Okay.
You're live, Mal.
Alconel's funeral home.
They don't bury the bodies.
They just throw them in a dump.
I've seen them do it.
But you can trust Mal's funeral home.
We will bury your loved ones.
Mal, you're so off script.
Like 40 feet deep.
Mal, you're so off script right now.
50 feet, if you ask nicely.
They're going to sue us, Mal.
Alconel's, I swear I saw them do this.
I heard one of them say, we don't care about the dead.
They're dead.
Mal, this is going out live.
I know what I'm saying.
And Alconel's, I'll take you.
I'm going to take you down.
And I'll be burying you.
I'll bury your whole family.
All 14 of your kids.
Why are you procreating so much?
You freaks.
Trying to make up for all the dead people.
Now put in your phone number or address.
I also have...
Put in the details of the funeral home, Mal.
I'm going to do the news now.
Mal's funeral home.
Record business.
Now we paid for an hour slot.
Just focus on us.
High craft coffins made by yours truly.
Why are you only confident when you're slandering Alconel's?
You're right.
Stick to what you know.
Alconel's, you're a piece of shit.
I hope your hearse crashes.
Then they just drive the hearse into the trash.
The landfill.
Okay, I was doing better the first time around.
I'll admit that.
I'm kind of losing confidence here.
Okay, the number you have to call.
That is not Alconel's.
If you want to bury a loved one or set them on fire,
put them in a vase or whatever, a jar.
It's 028 30 848 DEAD on your telephone.
Or you can talk to me on Skype.
I'm always on Skype, like 24 7.
I pay a lot for a premium service.
Approve.
Hey, what are you saying about my business here?
Alconel...
Don't throw people out in the garbage.
How dare you?
You do. I saw you do it.
Don't do that.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Okay, cut me off.
Cut me off.
You know what?
We're done.
We do great funerals.
We can barely fit them all in the graveyard.
You get all the business.
We don't dump people's bodies.
We don't.
You get too much business.
And our hearse would never crash.
You get too much business.
Sorry, I pressed the wrong button.
Now we're off life.
Now you're off life?
Come on.
You got all your slander out.
You couldn't put me back on.
Put it back on.
You didn't pay for the room.
If you want to go half season in the room.
I don't want to go half season in the room.
Hi, Roger.
One second, Paul.
So you were asking if we could get his wife on the line.
One second, Paul.
You were asking if we could try and get his wife on the line for a gatcha moment.
We have Pauline on the line with you, Roger.
She doesn't know it's you because she's been refusing this.
So I don't know how you want to play this.
He's estranged wife, I should say.
I'll just tell her straight.
She wants nothing to do with it.
Pauline, hi.
This is Roger from Dunbracken 105.7.
I'm also here, Paul.
I'm here with Paul in the studio who I believe is your estranged husband.
Do you have anything you want to say to him live on air?
How did you get my number?
They won't give me your number.
They called them.
I don't have your number.
The town fair is next week if you want to come.
Why would I want to go to the town fair?
It just could be a good time.
It could be a family moment.
Fortunately for you, I've booked three weeks in Barbados.
I got wind that you were going to do this damn fair again.
And I didn't want to have to go through the sights and signs of it once more.
Okay, I just thought it was my weekend, next weekend with our kid.
His kid name is Katie, Roger.
And for the next two weeks as well, if you can.
I didn't want to dox my child.
Our child.
Our child, yeah.
Katie can come to Barbados if she wants.
It was meant to be my weekend.
Does Katie have a favorite?
She doesn't like your show, if that's what you're asking.
Oh.
She has it for older people.
Yeah, I suppose that's true.
Is that what you meant?
Sure.
Sorry, Paul, you knew what you were saying?
She'd be very excited about a celebrity under the blank.
I'm sorry, why have you phoned me up?
I just wanted to give you guys a chance to connect.
Maybe see if Paul could extend an olive branch.
I don't like olives.
It's a metaphor.
I wouldn't wave a branch at her.
If you still loved me, you would have known that.
I did know that.
I don't have a...
Look, I know this is an audiovisual, but...
Then why did you bring tapenade to dinner that time?
Paul, I just wanted something fancy, and I didn't...
And you didn't know there was olives in it?
I didn't.
I was afraid to ask what's in it at the risk of seeming ignorant.
Incredible.
Paul, how could you not know that tapenade is olive juice?
That's crazy.
Can you let me do an ad read or something so that I can at least get some money for this?
No, we're going to hang up on you now.
Thank you so much.
Great.
So that was Pauline.
How did you get her number?
Don't worry about it.
So thank you so much for coming on today, Paul.
It's been an absolute delight.
We've learned...
Oh, I've got nothing on.
I can hang around.
No.
We're going to be signing off here.
This is Roger from Dumbraken 105.7.
Can I have you to sign off?
Yeah.
Okay.
Go on ahead, Paul.
Okay.
Do you have a script?
This is Roger from Dumbraken 105.7.
Thank you so much.
See you at the fair, everybody.
Okay.
So first thing, if I'm talking...
I thought that went great.
Yeah.
It didn't.
Oh no.
Did you do something wrong?
I never do anything wrong, Paul.
Okay.
Katie disagrees.
When I speak, you don't speak, right?
Isn't that right?
That's right.
Do you still need me on this line?
Oh, you're still here.
Oh, great.
Yes.
No, this is wonderful, actually.
I'm just saying my parents would be there as well.
So if you need someone else to look after Katie, if you don't trust me.
Katie can make her own decision if she wants to come with me to our business.
She can go to your fair.
Do you think this clip would appeal to her or should I try a different pitch?
What do you think, Roger?
I think you are some of the worst parents I have ever seen.
That's not fair.
Pauline's a great parent.
That's not fair.
I'm on a phone.
You can't see me.
I...
We can't see Paul.
And I'll say that I look like the parent I am.
Does this look secure to you?
The big lock of hair I have here.
It says that it would hold it in place, but it doesn't seem like it would hold many people out.
I think I could take a chainsaw to that and break that lock of hair.
Yeah, like I really don't know what else I'm meant to secure it with.
Where's the hair from?
I don't want to say.
But I want to know.
I would like to know too.
And surely it will really depend on the thickness of the hair.
It can be really variable.
I'm also colour blind, so if you could describe the colour of the hair to me, that would really help me paint this picture.
I would say it's a thick, brown, coarse toe hair that's been woven together for strength.
From a human toe or...
From my own, yes.
From your own toe.
And when you say woven, are you talking braided, twisted?
Like a loom?
Like a friendship bracelet when you kind of knot it.
Yeah.
While we're on the subject, did you say toe or toed?
Toed.
Yes.
Okay.
Toe hair.
Just from one or did you shave both?
No, it took two feet.
Or did you clip it?
No.
Lock it?
Locked.
The full feet?
I was told that the root would add strength.
Like a root vegetable?
Yes, similar to that.
Understood.
And in terms of the weaving, I outsourced that to my niece.
Oh, smaller hands.
Yes.
Good thinking.
Doesn't your niece only have one hand?
She's very talented with it.
And if she probably like pinned it into a cushion and stuff and that almost acts as another hand then, yeah.
Do you know what?
I don't even want to pull back the curtain on that.
I'd rather just see the end result.
Just admire her dexterity.
If we could just circle back to the beginning, what are you trying to keep hidden from us?
What was this hair doing?
This is keeping the safe closed.
What safe?
Well, if I told you what was in the safe, it wouldn't be very safe for it.
And yet you still want our advice?
Well, trust works both ways usually, you know, or four ways.
It's a bit cheeky, Brandon.
Oh, you guys are my friends.
I thought that you would trust me to trust yous, to not trust yous.
Well, trust you to trust us when you tell us what's in the safe.
See, I trust Sandra here because...
Nine o'clock in the morning, safe time.
And then nine o'clock in the evening, also safe time.
Safe time.
Why don't you save time and only do one safe time per day?
Sometimes we have tic-tacs.
Safe time.
And sometimes when we're feeling extra lonely, we have free safe time today.
Hang on, you haven't invited me.
Have you ever shown us your safe?
I've never seen your safe, now how come they think of it?
Brandon, are you trying to wriggle out of your safe?
Well, technically...
Your secret safe?
I've shown yous the safe, I just haven't shown yous what's inside.
Look, we were here for all the experiments with the arm hair, we paid our dues.
That was way too brittle.
Jeff gave you eyebrow hair.
You still won't tell him what's in the safe?
Even my niece couldn't weave that together though.
My armpits are still bleeding from the amount of hair you took from me.
I'm pretty sure that's the only reason the hinges are still on.
Can we go live again?
I have a call here.
The great funeral director.
We're very elegant, we have respectful services.
We have official priests on some other services.
So you were not at your live? I thought he was going to jump in.
That was just recorded.
Oh, you got me. You got me good.
Now we are live.
In other news, I'm shutting down my Skype service.
No, no.
I'm not the... shut up O'Call.
No, I will not. I thought he was going to trick me again.
The only people you're tricking are the bereaved families out there.
I'm not tricking him. We provide a very sensitive...
I have someone in the place along with me that can attest to what you've done.
Hello, this is not Mao.
And I can confirm that O'Call has definitely thrown bodies out.
They don't have official priests. They just get documents online.
No, they're official priests. They're at the church every Sunday. You know that.
Don't worry, Mao. I can throw a voice changer on you.
No, that's not Mao. That's someone else talking.
I can see you on my TV. You quite clearly are still talking.
Why have you got Skype on TV? O'Call doesn't watch real TV.
No, you're live. You're live on my TV right now.
He just watches Skype on his TV.
I've got a Skype call on and the TV on muted. So you don't get the echo. I know how Skype works.
Well, you don't know how the burial service works, right?
I know how it works. I've been doing it all my life. It's a family business.
O'Call is best friends with the bin man.
Yeah. He was the best man at my funeral. What's wrong with that?
Best man at your funeral. You don't even know how funerals work. His man's a fraud.
I have funerals on my brain. I meant to say wedding, but he will be the best man at my funeral.
We provide non-traditional services to those who want it.
Well, you better see if he's available next week because I'm going to...
Don't you threaten me again.
I'll do what I want.
Just don't do it live on air.
I paid for the hour. I'll make use of it.
We have 44 minutes. If you want to...
I'll be very clear. If you kill me, I want my family to bury me. I will not be buried by you.
You do not trust me?
No.
Yeah. That's a good point.
I also don't trust...
So you don't trust this person who isn't Mal. How about we get Mal back in the room?
The TV is live. I could see it's still... It's not pre-recorded.
Okay, I'm back. Yeah, that guy's run now. He ran out of the office.
I didn't change my voice. I was watching Countdown and then suddenly you popped on TV.
How about you...
He started slandering me.
How about you count down to your funeral?
Because you're...
Stop threatening me.
Well, I don't think you'll find this was actually the first threat and the other threat was not Mal.
Again, it was live. We could see him talk.
Well, come down to Mal's if you want a good burial.
Don't go to O'Connell's.
Say the full name.
O'Connell's Shooter Hole Home.
02830840.
Stop advertising.
O'Connell.
And we also provide financing plans to those who need it and we provide a three for two special.
Ah, shit.
At the car wash.
D.F. No, no, no. We don't sing that here.
Well, why not?
Because then it gets stuck in our heads because it's a great song and then we'll just be singing it all day and then we'll sing it at home.
I don't... I mean, it's such a fun song.
No, I know, but it's such an earworm that it's going to get stuck.
So we'll be home eating our dinner and then we'll be like, at the car wash.
And then it's like, what is happening?
Oh, yeah.
Do you know it's already happening?
It's already happening.
My wife hears me humming that song one more time. She'll eat me.
Yeah, it's a real touch and go at most of our houses at the minute.
Because once you start doing it and then so hard to start doing it as well.
It gets with the rhythm of the going circular motion.
It makes so much sense.
The car.
The days used to fly in like it was five minutes whenever we were humming that song.
We just couldn't stop. We're looking out for you.
We're looking out for you.
Your family will disintegrate if we allow you to go.
I mean, my family's hanging on by a thread. Your family's hanging on by a thread.
That movie Sharkdale.
Ah, it was incredible.
Did wonders with the car wash business and for our own motivation, we got so many more cars washed, but it's unparalleled fucking destruction of homes.
He's got to be blowing it out of proportion.
Like a bit like it's just a little tune.
My son won't look at me anymore because he's so scared that I might break into song.
And I haven't been able to just hug my son for three years.
It's it's been awful.
Hello. Hello. I am here on account of the film Shark Tale.
Oh, no. And I have heard rumors that people have been singing the song car wash from Shark Tale sung by Missy Elliott and Will Smith.
And I'm here to implement legal action.
This was the other thing we were worried about.
But you're allowed to say you're allowed to sing a song anytime.
But we also have been served. We sung it for too long.
You have been well, I didn't say we didn't even you have missed.
We didn't use it. We were just song adjacent.
No, like my sister in law, she's a lawyer.
She told me that whenever they served papers, if they don't do it, dance, they don't do dance.
It gets served. We didn't get served.
OK, just that's always how the guy is taking.
Oh, God, he's got to get toward underneath.
Oh, yeah, we're getting served.
Oh, this is the legal ballet boy.
Wow. He's so nimble.
From what I from what I got, that's an eaten boy right there.
I feel like I've been served twice.
I mean, I've seen him do this before.
The last time he served before this was impressive.
But that's such a like an ancient technique.
It is. Ballet one.
I usually get, you know, some type of seeing contemporary.
I've seen some hip hop.
Do you have the rights to perform in Nutcracker in front of us like that?
No. Have I actually been an undercover?
Oh, my God. No. Server.
Are you? Holy shit.
This can't be happening to me.
You had no right. Holy shit.
To bring out that dance. Serve him.
In this servant job.
Do you even have a family who's hanging on by a thread?
I've been undercover deep. Oh, my God.
Sorry, Tom. We bonded so much over that.
I really thought. Have you been doing this just to catch me?
You've been served.
Serve him. No.
Serve him good.
I'm a lawyer. I've been a lawyer for 40 years.
Don't do it. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
It's his own combination of five or six different ballets.
You're mixed with contemporary.
It's wholly original.
Oh, tell your wife.
Thanks for dinner last night, Tom.
I may never see you again.
Can I learn what your real name was?
No. Oh, he's running.
He's just running. Oh, my God.
He's off to see someone.
Now he's just swimming. He's just swimming down the river.
Well, boys, I guess I'm out of a lawyer job.
Are you hiring here? We need a we do need.
If you want to pick up this sponge here and just start doing that headlamps.
I'm looking at the college. No, no, no, no, no, no.
At the college.
Look away.
At the college.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conneth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter, you can follow us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Ger Donley, Cairnsands, Owen Fox, Eddie Goodwin, Rachel Coulter, Min Wicks, Adam Crossan and Joe Donaldson.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.