Tag Heure has asked me to announce that his stall is still operating his usual no refunds
policy, which is a fairly unique policy in the town in which if you were to go to Tag
for a refund, you are legally obligated to buy another watch.
You have been warned.
Um, where are all the porta potties?
Where have they gone?
We only had them for a two hour rental window.
What?
Where am I meant to go?
You didn't poop in the allot at time?
No!
I think that's on you.
I just arrived!
It was very clearly printed on the back of your ticket.
We provided facilities for a brief window of time.
I wasn't here then!
I think that's on you.
I think you're going to have to do what everyone else does and step out of the fair.
No, I wouldn't.
What you do outside our grounds is your business.
We're not legally liable for.
You could go in the corn maze, but.
Okay, I'll go.
I'll go.
I'll go to the corn maze.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, you're not in here's bathroom.
Yeah?
Oh, have you got, have you got one?
Have you got cash on you?
Yeah, I've got money.
Okay, look, there's a car around parked outside the, outside the fair.
Is it your caravan?
Hey, hey, don't go in his car.
He asked a lot of questions.
Don't go in his car, go in my car.
What are you doing?
Hey, hey.
What are you doing?
I saw him first.
You looking to poop?
I saw him first.
Can I do it for free?
No, you got cash on you?
I give you a luxury experience.
You don't want a luxury, you want a quick and easy job.
You'll be in there and out there in five minutes.
You can go out there, you can go to a padding suit.
I do need to go so quickly, but I want to know about this luxury experience.
My toilet seats have leather on them, so you can sit there for days if you want to do.
Oh, that was pretty good actually.
Do you feel like you want leather?
Think about how many people have sat on that.
You're not incentivizing me to come to your toilet at all.
I'm just going to go with his.
He's brass tacks.
No, mine is more pricey.
You know what?
You go to his, you'll be back for mine and I'll charge you double.
I don't believe you.
I'm going to his.
Take that.
I'll be having a last laugh because you know what?
You go to mine.
That's because mine's always busy.
You don't like sitting on leather seats whenever you're going to the bathroom.
No one does.
My customers sure do.
You know what?
You're bound for mine.
Why?
Why am I going to shed?
Yeah, go to yours.
Go to yours.
I can't.
It's too busy.
There's a queue.
You're barred.
You're a dick.
Yeah, well, you know what?
I'm a rich dick.
I'm going to make a fortune off this.
God damn you.
Mayor Anders will unfortunately not be attending the fair due to family circumstances.
As in, he wasn't aware that so many families would be attending and with a dislike for
children, he has thus decided against going himself.
In lieu of his actual being being present, he has placed 31 cardboard cutouts of himself
of varying sizes around the fair, each with a famous quote of his from the past year.
The first person to successfully work out the acrostic agnostic anagram will become
his new secretary after Josh mysteriously banished, after walking in on the mayor doing
macaroni art with his daughter.
Hey, everybody.
I'm back from my little water break.
I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long.
We've got someone else as coming up to the stand here.
Please go on, introduce yourself.
Hey, I'm Lucy.
Hey, Lucy.
What's going on with you?
I wrote an anthem for an anthem.
Don Bracken.
Yeah, songs.
We play music on Don Bracken 105.7 all the time.
Go on ahead if you'd like to play your anthem.
Yeah, I'm really shy.
Oh, it's okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, don't worry.
It's okay.
You've got this.
Creativity is the strongest driving force in the known universe.
Here I go.
Thank you, Roger.
Wow.
My goodness.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for.
What was your name, Suzy?
Lucy.
Lucy, give it up for Lucy for her amazing anthem.
That was so good.
Excuse me?
I can't cough.
Sir, I was congratulating this little girl on her amazing anthem.
You think I can help it?
My brother has a cough.
We can't help it.
I just got a cough.
He coughs.
Look, guys, I understand that you need to cough, but you're not in the middle of someone's song or the praise.
I can't.
I can't help it.
He waited until the end of the song.
I was about to go blue.
I mean, I called it the very end.
She's crying.
I don't appreciate this, okay?
He's a contention.
We're just here to try to make a nice time for all the people.
We're just at the time fair having fun.
Yeah, so am I.
So am I.
So is everybody, okay?
Wow.
We're leaving, so prepare to lose half your audience.
Okay, no problem.
Nobody wants that kind of energy here, isn't that right, everybody?
Yeah, Lucy hated it.
So take your coughs somewhere else, Lucy.
That was amazing.
Thank you so much.
Where is my mommy?
I don't know where your mommy is, but I will give you a fully signed poster of my face.
Here you go.
Thank you.
You're welcome, Lucy.
That'll make you feel better real soon.
Here are the remaining contents of the lost and found.
16 teeth.
I will not specify adult or baby.
Four onions.
I will not specify what color.
Three children have been remained here for some time.
An unsigned divorce settlement.
One animal from the lost and found.
Two roller decks of trumpeted loyas.
And finally, two whales.
I will not specify who's.
Hey, sorry to bother you.
Do you work here?
You look like you work here.
Yeah, but...
Okay.
Well, that cap of Barry is walking about and I don't know what stall it's from, but I thought
I'd just notify someone who like is a steward to deal with it.
No, sorry.
I'm not a steward.
The high viz is just so people know where I am whenever I'm cutting their hair.
Sometimes people forget that I'm like behind them whenever I'm doing that.
Yeah.
So you're not like fast.
You're not fair, Steph.
I'm working at the fair, but as a barber.
Okay.
Do you think the cap of Barry needs a cut?
I mean, I don't know if that's fair.
The animal would you would you take in the cap of Barry?
Take him in as a client.
Yeah.
Give him a cut.
No, as in would you incorporate the cap of Barry?
I'm not I'm not paying for the cap of Barry's cut.
I'm just worried about him roaming about like this.
It doesn't feel safe.
Oh, I thought you were worried about just how it looked.
Maybe if it needed a skin fade or something like that.
I don't know if that would suit.
Sorry.
You think I don't have good judgment?
You don't really have good judgment, Sienna, as you thought I was a steward.
You're wearing a high viz.
You said that you worked here.
Oh, so barbers can't wear high vizes.
Okay.
Oh, I guess I'm not a barber anymore.
Sorry, guys.
I'm not cutting anyone's hair now.
You're halfway through my hair.
No, I have to stop.
Sorry.
Apparently barbers can't wear high viz.
I'm sorry.
My judgment is guided by my worry for the capybara that's just roaming about.
Like, what is that even associated with?
Thanks a lot.
God, worst fare ever.
It's not my fault.
It's the capybaras fault.
It shouldn't be on its own.
This is terrible.
Who are you to say that the capybara shouldn't be on its own?
You're making a lot of decisions here.
Like a lot of judgmental decisions.
I'm just worried about the capybara.
It's coming from a place of care.
You'd be worried about the man with half a hair.
Is that not what you wanted when you came into this tent?
No.
You wanted less hair?
I wanted less hair.
I've accepted what's happening in my head and I want it all gone.
God, you're so judgmental.
I mean, I could do what you're doing.
You're just shaving this man's hair.
No, he's not.
Because of you.
Do you want me to take over?
No.
Do you want me to take over?
No, because you're also wearing a high viz jacket.
So you're not a qualified barber either.
Are you a steward?
No.
And I didn't assume that.
I just thought you were making a bit of a fashion statement or something.
I'm really blinding in here.
And next in line for the town mascot contest, it's Seraph Boy, the boy who recently had
a scalding rhubarb pie.
I give him fifth degree burns on his face, so bad that he now has pieces of rhubarb singed
surgically to his face.
But he won't let that stop him, folks, as he gives it his all in the catwalk, showing
that even grotesque, ugly little boys can develop unearned confidence.
And as he walks away doing the traditional goat walk in remembrance of Gary the Goat,
fifteen years to the day he was lost to us all, we have never truly worked out what happened
to Gary the Goat, and we miss our town mascot forever.
It's a ten pounds admission today.
Would you like the family ticket?
It's 25.
The four of you can come in.
We're not together.
Oh, okay.
We could be.
Guys, you say that real quick.
Well, I mean, we actually- We're not together.
We're not together.
We don't know each other, but- I can see why you'd assume.
We kind of give a bit of a nuclear family dynamic.
I mean, we could be friendly.
Like, do we have to stick together, Seraph?
Do we have to be blood related?
Friends are the family that you choose.
Well, now you've admitted that you're not family.
I can't sell you a family ticket.
Friends are the family that you choose.
We could be friends.
Oh, see, okay.
That's why I thought you were jumping in too soon.
I thought you were saying we couldn't be pals.
I thought you were just like- We could definitely be pals.
Like you guys, we got a good vibe going.
Yeah, I think we're dressed pretty similar, you know?
Yeah.
Shorts.
We arrived at the same time.
I mean, that's coincidental.
I don't know.
That might be like- We're all like, after you, after you, in line.
We all wanted to come here, so clearly we have some stuff in common.
We're all here alone.
We all let that old idiot in first.
That was nice.
Yeah.
She's part of the four.
Yeah, she's already in.
She's already in.
She bought a single ticket.
Yeah, so can we get through in that ticket?
Yeah.
If that was a family?
If we pay you 15 to make up the family, then can we get-
Oh, hold on.
Do you want to come into the fair with us?
Hey.
Oh, yeah.
You're here at the same time.
You're alone.
I am alone.
You're dressed like us.
Why don't you come in?
I'm working right now.
Yeah, on your break.
What time do you get off?
Hey, it's on us.
Yeah, you can come in once you're done.
It's family time.
You can't- It's family time.
You gotta make time for family time.
I can't.
Like- You're always working.
We never see you anymore.
We've just met.
That's what you said last time.
And also, not to be this guy, but you've not paid your share of the rent for a little while
and- Look, we've already done your share of emotional
labor.
Yeah, it's like we're doing all the heavy lifting in this family.
Do you even care about us?
You know what?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe you shouldn't be in this family.
This isn't a family.
We've all just met right now.
What are you- Our bonds, it's just cruised so quick.
Yeah.
It feels like it's lasted a lifetime.
Yeah.
I feel like you guys- A lifetime passed in many, many lifetimes
in the future.
Okay.
You've- No, you're still paying a single ticket.
Are you trying to bamboozle me right now?
No, we're just- You read the sign.
It says no bamboozling.
But we're not trying to.
This is a genuine attempt at an emotional connection.
I think if the three of us are feeling something and you're not- I'm not saying that you're
wrong.
But every family needs like a black sheep, someone who's a bit different.
Like- Stop being so resistant to this.
Is this like just your teenage years phase?
Yeah.
Oh, you're rebelling.
I get it.
Yeah.
You look quite young.
I'm not sure you're that young for this.
And I know that that's because you're scared.
We're cool.
We're hip.
Expressing real emotion.
Do you remember earlier where we could just like communicate more openly?
Yeah.
Like that was- Remember whenever we were all like-
There was nice days.
We're wearing the same clothes.
That was pretty nice.
That was like, that was a real good bonding moment.
That was five minutes ago.
Yeah.
It's been like yesterday.
God, they grow up so fast.
Maybe you're ready for life without us.
God, we're going to be empty masters.
Oh, don't say it like that.
It makes me sad.
Well, we'll just buy the ticket of four anyway.
And then, you know, if he wants to join us, we can-
He can join us.
No, but that makes it so hard to think-
Because the door is always open.
But the door is always open, but that means the gap is always there.
Maybe we need to close it ourselves.
We don't abandon family like that.
We don't abandon family.
We could have another.
You think?
I mean-
Are you going to replace me?
Well-
If you don't want to be part of us, then-
I don't.
What am I talking about?
If you're not going to come home for the holidays and stuff, then like, you know-
When are we ever going to see you?
Where do you- You don't live together.
You said you don't know each other.
What is going on here?
We make time for family, you know?
Family comes first.
We should all get a photo together in the little photo stands.
The little face cutouts.
The four of us.
There's four holes in that standee.
Me too.
Yeah.
You know, for old time's sake.
What's your name?
Hey, so the shooting gallery's here.
So we've set up, but we were told we're not allowed to use any of our guns.
Who do we speak to about-
I'm really sorry.
It's just at the last festival, some of the guns were actual guns.
Ours aren't actual guns.
I know, but people are still a bit jumpy.
We're not allowed-
We're not supposed to make any money if they can't use our guns.
Can you get like, water pistols?
I mean, maybe if you had have told me last week, I could have got water pistols, yeah.
I said people were very jumpy about the guns last year.
It was implicit.
I'll work out something.
What about a slingshot?
I don't have any with me.
I've got a slingshot in my car.
Okay, well I mean, yeah.
Okay, this is great.
Yeah, okay.
I can fetch a slingshot.
Can you get some pebbles?
I have a suggestion.
The rest of the circus hasn't shown up and I brought my human cannon.
I'd be okay for people to be shot out of the cannon.
They did not show up.
The rest of the circus didn't show up.
So we'd be shooting the people?
Using the pebbles?
So being paid to shoot through the cannon.
I'm gonna veto this.
Oh, really?
This is the one solution we've got that could actually work and you're gonna say no?
You know what, now that I think about it, I think I cancel out the rest of the circus
and I must have forgotten who I said she was.
I'm really sorry about that.
That's-
Oh.
It's just, it's going so well and I think the cannon could ruin it.
This sadness isn't even painted on.
It's just genuine sadness.
We all have genuine sadness, but sometimes we just gotta power through.
Please be advised that Claude Joe is not at the fair.
You have no reason to worry about Claude Joe coming and making you one of his mud babies.
That is an urban myth.
Claude Joe, although possibly seen every now and again in town, is just a legend of folklore.
You have no cause for concern about Claude Joe.
Now there is a very real danger about that coppibora, so please be careful.
Do not go anywhere near it.
It is a good crust, I have to say, but it's not gonna beat my filling.
Yours is a good filling.
I mean, it's flavorful, it's juicy.
It somehow manages to be moist mouthfeel, but doesn't drip off the fork.
Each slice of your pie is a perfect triangle.
It's like a savory slice of brie, and the same way dribbles in a nice way down off the
slice.
And both of your fantastic pies, of course, are presented great, lovely.
For my entry, I focused really hard on the container, so the silver foiled plate, I put
all my effort into that.
So the pie is there, but I really enjoyed making the foiled container.
Marcus, I know you're trying to make yourself more at home, but these two are correctly
– one of them, those two is gonna win.
We're just here for –
Yeah, to round out the numbers.
Don't try and join in.
Did they say anyone can join?
No, but they're talking about the pie themselves.
They're quite clearly experts and just say, like, even just smelling those pies, it's
absolutely gorgeous.
Marcus, don't try and impress them with your tin.
You're embarrassing us both.
Okay, I'm sorry, guys.
And there's no need to be sorry, Marcus.
No, I would disagree.
I've been hearing about this tin for weeks, and it's just a tin.
I mean, it's a tin plate that one would often serve pies in, but I made it all from
scratch.
It's meant for like a fray bentos aesthetic, is it?
Is that what it's called?
Well, I mean, this was just what I felt in my heart, but I don't know the technical
terms, yeah.
In the industry, that's what it's known as.
Wow.
Looks like he's done the edging himself, though.
We got an axle grinder for that.
There's some sort of grind with an axle on it that I've been using.
I mean, that's a nice circular weld on the base of that disc.
It is, aye.
Very often people don't think to take out the part of the weld that the pie goes in,
but that's spacious.
Thank you very much.
What are you making me now, Aaron?
I'm glad they're being very polite, but you two haven't had to listen for this for the
last three weeks.
It's been insufferable.
He did that in three weeks?
He did, yeah, yeah.
I have apprentices who've been studying years or not, even at that level.
No, again, the pie is not very good.
But the container.
What you've done there is excellent.
That's where I focused most of my energies, because ultimately I knew there was no chance
of...
I knew you didn't even know you two were going to be in it, but I knew the caliber.
What is a pie, but a food in a pie container?
Coughliffe, do you think we could take him on?
Take him on as our own apprentice?
Well, sure, we can learn so much from young blood.
I think it's the only way.
He can do this in three weeks.
Patrick, I would be honored to contain your pies if you would have me.
Marcus, I would just...
I think you should take this opportunity and get your welding equipment out of my goddamn
kitchen.
You just had to shoot him down.
I just...
I can't put up with you anymore.
That's fine.
I will leave, but I will leave knowing that my head can be held high.
And I'm taking my container with me.
I'm your ride.
You asked me to leave.
Our house.
You could stay for the competition.
Oh, okay.
I'm here now.
Well, then I'm staying.
I've canceled plans.
Well, then I'm staying.
Should we try...
Well, try a bit of your pie.
Give us a hair.
Let's have a wonderful container.
Look at this container.
I wouldn't.
This is great.
Here you go.
We fork each.
Oh, I wouldn't.
Here you go.
Mmm.
That's what happened to the other ones who tried it.
Yeah.
Don't worry.
I've got poison control on speed dial.
Thank you.
I really hope they take me on once.
Please stop shitting themselves.
They went back for more.
Why would they take a second bite?
Stop.
I'm taking it away.
That's delicious.
Hey, it's me.
I am a stall where I sell goldfish, so if you lose any of the competitions, you can buy
a goldfish from me.
Amazing.
Because you don't have to leave empty handed just because you're weak or uncoordinated.
Just because you're pathetic, you can still go home with a fish.
What?
Really?
I've never been able to win anything at a fair.
You, small, feeble child, can have a fish at my store.
I legally can't say my name.
Oh, golly.
So I just pay you money and then I too am winning?
Yeah.
Then you win and you can say that you got it somewhere else if you want.
I could say I did the big hammer and everyone would have to believe me.
Everyone has to believe you.
Yeah.
You could be like, I'm the strongest guy in school.
Terrific.
That's amazing.
But I am really sorry.
You did come over with this child, didn't you?
You both arrived at the same time.
I'm sorry.
I can' m go through.
You both arrived here at the same time.
What are you doing?
Trying to get me out of my f***ing job?
What are you trying to hustle in?
Is this what you can get off on?
Just getting an actor, just being like, hey, look, I'm a journalist.
Okay?
I just pull out what I see, right?
Cut it, cut it, cut it.
Hey, um, I heard an announcement.
I've lost my son.
There have been three sons handed in to Austin Found.
Could you be more specific?
Uh, yeah, sure.
Uh, about 11 years old, this height, brown hair.
What was the height?
Um, about this height, like sort of around...
Now, we have all smaller children.
Would you like me to be more specific?
Uh, yeah, sure.
So do you have my son or not?
No, there have been three children,
but if I was to put two of them on their shoulders,
that would be the height that they would come to.
Um, is that specific enough?
That is quite specific, but it's not really about the height of the child.
It's about them being my child.
Oh.
You see?
Would you like me to see if any of them respond to a name?
Um, sure.
His name's Chris.
Chris?
Oh, Chris, are you there?
I'm called Chris.
I'm also called Chris.
There are the two.
Your sons are here.
If we put them on top of their shoulders,
Chris and Chris.
No, uh, but they're actually...
Neither of them are my sons.
Congratulations!
You have one of the children.
No, no, I don't need these children.
Are you my mommy now?
Uh, no, no, Chris.
No, Chris.
Chris is... I'm not...
Will you take me to school?
Uh, no, I'm sure your parents will be looking for you.
I'm looking for my Chris, kids.
You understand?
How long's he been missing?
Uh, just like maybe two hours.
I'm never anyone's Chris.
How long have you both been here?
Been a few months.
Could you be more specific?
It's been two months and 11 days?
Yeah.
So, will you take these kids back?
I really can't...
Come on, Chris.
Can you bring us for lunch first?
Oh, it's too late.
There's no food in last we found.
You have not been claimed.
You must return to the lost and found.
I'll... I'll go lose a burger somewhere.
Oh, Paul.
Can I... can I have a word?
In private, I think is best.
Oh, no.
Just...
It just turns out, you know the Capybara.
Oh, yes. Everyone loves the Capybara.
Everybody's friend.
It's the best Capybara.
He even likes me.
So, I just have a suspicion
he has spread Ebola around the fair
and we're going to have to contain the area immediately.
Um...
Sorry.
Capybaras can get Ebola?
Apparently, yes.
That feels like a cruel thing for God to do.
Doesn't it just?
Um, it's just...
How do you know he has Ebola?
Hey, Paul.
Oh, no.
Can I have a private word with you?
Uh, would you hypothetically say
it's more or less important than Ebola?
Well, that depends.
That corn maze,
was that put on Gregory Dave's field?
Yeah, he was very kind enough to let us use it.
Now, again, more or less important than Ebola.
That's what I'm getting to.
Do you know if that's the maze that he put...
that he had the mines in?
Well, I mean, he was paid to decommission those ages ago.
Yeah, and I do not believe he ever did those.
Your corn maze might be a minefield.
Can we evacuate the corn maze?
You can.
Hey, Paul?
Are you free right now?
Um...
It's...
I'm dealing with some emergencies, but...
I think I need help.
I don't know if there's something wrong with me
or if it's wrong with the fair,
but it's cursed because there's ghosts.
I'm going to say that's less important than Ebola.
You're going to play with the supernatural?
You're just going to look in the face of a curse?
We have visual...
I mean, I have visual evidence of ghosts just roaming about.
I don't know what they're capable of.
Do they have corporeal form?
Like, are they going to damage things?
Are they going to set off, like, say, explosives
that could be in the area?
Okay, okay, here's what I'm going to do.
You should take it.
It's number three.
And I will deal with this as soon as I can.
Hey, hey, Paul?
Ghosts don't win!
They've been waiting to burn for centuries!
That's all they do!
They are people who died and are waiting on Earth to move on!
Yes, what is this?
Paul, I'm really sorry to interrupt.
Is this...
more or less important than Ebola outbreak?
Well, Victoria left me, Paul.
I... I don't know what to do.
Daniel, we've all had wives leave us.
We all move on.
That's why I've come to you, Paul.
She will have... Look, I will say that...
Here's what I'm going to say.
Go home, make yourself a nice cup of tea.
Okay.
Tune into the radio,
and I think you will feel better about your life very shortly.
Please evacuate the corn maize.
Please evacuate the corn maize,
and remember, nobody touch the capybara.
No... No reason.
No... Seriously, do not touch the capybara.
Oh my God, look at this bear!
It's so cute!
Oh my God!
So cute.
It's so cute!
Like, are you live streaming yet?
Yeah, um, hey everybody in Tennessee!
Uh, look at this weird place we're in!
This is crazy!
Yeah, it's your gal, and your other gal.
In the fair!
It's Valerie and gallery!
I'm gallery, that's Valerie!
You already know that.
Valerie is gallery!
Oh my God, oh, what is this?
Hello?
Hi!
Oh look, it's a local!
It's a local!
Hey!
Hey, handsome!
Hey everybody, look at this local!
Look!
Look how cute he is!
Do you both have your phone inside?
Yeah, we're streaming!
Oh, uh...
Multi-angle.
Can I ruffle my hair?
We'll ruffle your hair, sweetie!
I don't consent.
Oh well.
Look how white he's gone.
Hahaha!
Eww!
What's it like here, being a local?
It's really nice, it's a nice time.
Say hi to our followers!
Hello!
What's your name?
Quilt.
Quilt?
Oh my God!
That's my nickname, that's what everyone calls me here.
What's your real name?
Tim.
Tim?
I like Quilt.
Quilt is better.
Stick with Quilt.
That's what everyone else says.
I want to get on the Quilt if you know what I mean!
Uh...
Valerie!
She's cheeky.
Really?
Uh...
So, we're here at the fair.
We're at the fair with the locals.
Yeah, um...
And so what do people do for fun here, Quilt?
Hey, Phil!
Phil!
Yeah?
Phil, this lady said she wanted to get under me.
Uh...
Are you sure?
Wait, let me check.
Really?
Um...
We're...
We're kind of...
It's for the video.
Oh, so you're just playing with my emotions.
When you frame it like that, it doesn't sound very nice.
I guess we're just so funny.
Yeah.
Okay, Phil, never mind.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, buddy.
I really did, but uh...
Hey, you know...
It'll happen one day, don't worry.
Do you need a hug?
In a few minutes, I'm on camera.
All right.
Camera?
Yeah.
Oh, have you ruffled your hair?
I didn't get a chance to, they did, and that's why I'm my first.
That seems very forward.
Right?
Yeah, there was a lot of big signals going on.
Phil, you want to come over here and get on our livestream?
Yeah, come on over, Phil.
Ruffle your hair first.
No, we'll do it, we'll do it.
Oh no, is that him?
Oh no, stay back there, Phil.
Uh, yeah.
No, Phil.
Phil knows he is a fiend for nothing.
Oh, oh, you know that.
I know that, but I shared it to you in confidence.
Yeah.
No, actually, I think I'd let him fill me in.
Oh, we are so funny.
Really?
What did they say?
They're going to fill you in.
On what?
Yourself.
They know things about me?
Yeah.
I don't get it.
You guys are so weird and crazy.
Oh my god.
This is so crazy.
Like, is this the craziest day we've ever had?
I've never been in any place like this.
Yeah, small thing about me.
I was for a while known as the swamp monster of the beach.
Oh, wow.
How fun.
Why was that, Quilt?
It's quirky.
Because I skinny dip sometimes and people don't like how I look.
And in the darkness and in the moonlight, Phil started spreading some rumors about me.
Hey, Quilt, are you nearly done with the interview?
Yeah, I think so.
Because I could really use someone to fill in with the CPR for me.
My hands are getting sore.
Is that person still not awake?
No, you need to do it for like 20 minutes.
Oh my god.
Sorry, I've been timing it on the watches on both wrists.
All right, now I can still go for a little bit.
Would you want to swap in?
Okay.
Is he wearing Tag Hears?
Oh my god.
Oh, you know about Tag?
Of course we know about Tag Hears.
Design a brand in Tennessee.
Oh no, he's wearing Tag Hears.
He's a man from here.
Oh.
Not the...
It's a very Dunbracken brand.
I'm going to be a secret millionaire, Quilt.
And I will have gotten under you.
No, I'm destitute.
There's a beach?
We haven't been to the beach, Valerie.
I skinny dip there quite often.
Oh, what sort of times?
Just so we could maybe not be there.
Well, dark times.
Oh, brilliant.
So we could go during the day.
Yeah.
And did we hear there are pina coladas at the fair?
I don't know, I'm not allowed in the bar.
Is there a story behind that, Quilt, that you can tell our followers?
Yeah, I'm not proud of this, but...
I could really use someone to tag me in here, Quilt.
Okay.
My beats per minute are dropping.
Wouldn't it be funny if I did CPR?
Oh my gosh, that would be hilarious.
Valerie, let me do it.
I'll do it.
Staying alive.
Okay.
Do you know how?
Yeah, you just...
Little thing with your hands.
You're going to be okay, Jiminy.
You're going to be fine.
Oh, he's so small.
I'll hold both cameras, Valerie.
You go for it.
Okay, I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it.
See if my corn, brother.
This is hilarious.
He's local as well.
He's so yellow.
Save him.
All right, you got to do more beats per minute or not.
Just mind your nails, babe.
More pressure.
So...
No, I think I'm done.
That's not for you, actually.
Yeah, not part of the action.
No, no, no.
All right, I guess I'll tag back in.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
You're going to be okay.
Look at me.
And the eyes.
My God, he's so yellow.
Oh my God.
I wonder, is that just like the local town?
So I brought a horse into the pub.
You're not going to believe what a barman said.
And what's this, folks?
A late entry in the mascot contest as Would You Believe It?
A catby bearer has shown up on the catwalk.
Struck your stuff, cat.
Why is everyone running?
What's happening?
What did I miss?
Why is he looking at me like that?
Oh God, he's making a powerful eye contact.
Don't come up the stairs.
Oh God, oh God, he's foaming at the mouse, folks.
Somebody tell my wife I lost her father's will.
Hey, Paul.
Yes, what is it?
Hey, there's a priest that I think is trying to do an exorcism.
Okay, that's great.
That's one problem dealt with.
That's fantastic.
Give him a coupon for a free hot dog.
Okay, I will.
Great.
Hey, Paul.
Yes, yes.
Could I get a hand over at Lost and Found?
Why?
All the adults, they seem to have lost all their children.
That's...
I think they've run into the corn maze.
No!
Oh no, how heavy are those children?
We had to stop weighing them, Paul.
Hey, Paul.
I tried to get the children out of the corn maze, but none of them will listen to me.
I don't know, it's a matter of time.
I don't know what to do.
I think they're mad with the Bola, Paul.
Okay, okay, no one panic, okay?
Hey, Paul.
What is the guy from Poison Control doing?
This feels like he should be doing something.
Paul, can I give you back the ticket?
Because I actually don't think it was ghosts.
It was just the tent poles were stolen and all the fenders looked like they're wearing
sheets.
Oh, the tents are falling.
That's not good.
That's worse than ghosts.
It's not as scary as the other things, and I'm not as upset, but I still have the adrenaline
in my system, so can you give me a hug?
Hey, Paul.
Okay, okay, I need a hug too.
Hey, Paul.
I think the coconut shite lied to us about having coconuts.
We all knew that when we hired him, but he's just so charming.
Hey, Paul.
Yes?
Yes, what is this?
I'm too sad to drive.
Can you drive me home, please?
My god, I'm just thinking about Victoria, can you?
Okay, I'm going to give you some quick advice.
Again?
Think about how sad you are right now, okay?
You will be this sad for a very long time.
What?
You're going to need to learn how to drive.
Oh, no.
Hey, Paul.
You're going to need to learn how to get out of bed while being this sad.
You're going to need to learn how to file your taxes while being this sad.
God, taxes as well.
You're going to need to learn.
No, I'm not struggling.
I'm just sad that you still have to look left and right when crossing the street while
this is sad.
So just...
I don't want to look, I just want to cross.
I'm dealing with a lot here too.
Sorry, okay, I drove this so...
What is it?
The capybara has got out through the fence.
It's now on the loose in the town.
At large, if you will.
That's...
Hey, Paul.
Okay.
Hey.
How you doing?
The guy from Greycliffe is back.
He's...
What?
He climbed through the fence.
God damn it, not only he...
Is that how the capybara got out?
He made a massive hole in the fence for him and his four snakes.
Oh my god, he only brought four of them.
That's alright.
He said, and I repeat, I'll be back with more snakes.
I don't...
You know what?
I think by the time he's back, we will have all the issues.
You know what?
I'm not going to worry about him.
Paul, Paul, Paul!
I've just got reports from the air base that people have been air dropping lizards into the fair!
Paul!
Can they land?
They're landing dead on impact, but they're releasing venom as they die and land!
Paul, Paul!
I just got word that another aircraft is soaring in and it's full of mongooses that they're going to drop to kill the snakes.
But the aircraft has crashed!
Okay, I gotta go, Paul.
I feel like those nasty ones aren't my fault.
I don't have control over vindictive snakes and mongooses.
I didn't organize to counter mongooses.
I don't know where they came from.
Hey, Paul.
I don't know how busy you are right now, but just letting you know that the straw in the animal petting enclosure has set alight and is spreading quick.
As fires go, it's consuming.
Okay, effectively.
The animal petting enclosure is set alight and is spreading quickly.
The fire service agreed to be here preemptively, so they should be dealing with that one.
They had to go back to the stations because the portaloos were only on a higher period.
Hey, Paul.
The ambulance can't get through the town fair because all the tents started falling down.
And now there's no way for the ambulance to drive through to save anyone with Ebola.
Sorry, Paul.
The police were going to come as well, but it's the detective constable's birthday, I think.
So we all had to make it back to the station.
Yeah, there was one detective that agreed to come, but he's chasing the copy bar.
Well, that's something. Is he catching it?
No, he said it's his biggest nemesis yet.
Paul, I'm so sorry to interrupt you.
The mystery celebrity has left.
No.
That's a shame. I'm never going to reveal her.
Huh.
Okay.
Wow. I didn't know that.
It was Carl Vorderman.
Carl Vorderman's gone?
No!
Yeah. I thought it was a big get. I thought people would be excited.
I feel like it's going to be overshadowed by everything else.
Paul, what are we going to do?
Okay. Okay. Well, first of all, I...
Okay.
Hey, Paul.
There's an ice cream van parking out.
Paul. Paul.
We'll play the music. The kids will run out the maze.
Paul. Paul. Paul.
That's step one.
Paul, too late. I've already locked them in the maze.
You locked them in the maze?
They didn't want to come out, but I couldn't let any more go in.
That's the opposite of what I wanted you to do.
Okay. You need to help us, Paul. You need to help us, Paul.
Paul. Paul.
Come on. You gotta help us.
We need help.
Paul. Paul. Paul.
The Ebola is spreading.
There's a polar. The capybara is running.
The state is running.
I'm pretty sure mine was off the record.
The rocket is on fire.
The Mongoose is on fire, Paul.
Come on.
This coast of Polar's tensing the pole.
Paul. Paul. Paul.
Make a decision in your life, Paul.
Paul. Paul. Paul.
Paul. Paul.
Okay. Okay.
We'll lock down the fair, and we're all in here until the Ebola goes away.
Your daughter's outside.
Yeah. Oh. She came. She chose me.
Oh. This is the happiest day of my life.
Thank you for listening to Back to Dunbracken Season 1.
If you enjoyed this episode, please rate on iTunes or Spotify or wherever you rate your podcasts.
The next season will begin on Tuesday the 30th of April.
In the meantime, the next few Tuesdays will consist of bonus and deleted episodes from this season.
If that's not enough, check out Welcome to Colonell.
That's a brilliant podcast that follows the City Council of Colonell, Georgia.
It's about to start its third season, so now's a great time to get caught up.
If you would like to keep up with what's happening in Dunbracken, then follow at DunbrackenPod on Instagram.
There were a total of 20 different comedians and improvisers in this episode, which is just nuts.
And of course, I'm not going to label them all here.
But if you want to know more, please check out the episode description where all their names and socials can be found.
If you would like to follow me, Connloth McVeigh, you can also do that at Connloth McVeigh, funnily enough, on Instagram.
That's a difficult name to spell, just look in the episode descriptions.
The opening and closing credits were made by Conor Marlin and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We hope to welcome you back to Dunbracken very soon.