So the flower arch hasn't arrived, and this really was crunch time for...
Great!
You're okay with that?
I hated it!
So why did you agree to it?
I wanted to appease everyone else.
Right!
But now I can let you know how I really felt.
Flowers and arches?
Incredibly bad.
Well, you're not necessarily upsetting me, because this was just my job, I don't really
have strong opinions.
But it falls back on you.
Falls back on you.
Okay.
And I hope that arch, wherever it is, is falling back on someone and crushing them to death.
I'm still invoicing you for it, it's going to be part of the fee.
Well I'm invoicing you for my opinion.
How'd you like that?
And guess what, it'll have two words on it, and it's going to be the most expensive two
words you've ever heard.
"Flower arches".
Nine hundred.
Well, yeah, that's...
Four fifty a word!
Yeah!
We discussed that whenever we went through the quotes.
So you're happy with me charging nine hundred for giving you my opinion?
Well, I don't think that's really going to stand up in court.
Especially the flower arches.
Well, they didn't arrive, so we won't know if they would have stood up.
Is there any other decorations you want in lieu of this, or have you kind of just resigned
all hope for a successful event?
Can I go "carte blanche"?
Can I make a request?
It's literally your budget.
Just a little dancing boy.
Do you have a specific dancing boy in mind?
Something with like, bells on?
Do you have a specific boy in mind?
Not the costume.
Maybe four foot nine?
Four foot nine, so what?
Any specific four foot nine boys that...
Oh yeah, all of those four foot nine boys that I know.
This is your job.
Pass it on to me.
If I find a four foot nine boy, you're getting charged.
You're getting charged a finder's fee.
I just want what my client wants, and if you want a four foot nine boy who's dancing with
bells on, I just want to make sure it's the correct boy.
If I can't get a four foot nine dancing boy, then I want nine four foot dancing boys.
Nine four foot dancing boys.
Combined to make 36 feet tall.
You want them stacked?
No, they don't have to be.
You know I'm not doing choreography for them.
I'll do it.
Welcome.
Back to Dunbracken.
So I'm thinking that like if I get attacked by anyone on the street, I'll just shake this
because I couldn't find any of the sprays.
So I just get this pepper shaker and I'll shake that into their eyes and nose.
Yeah, no, that could work.
You think that's a good idea?
If any anybody tries to come at me, I'm gonna say "hold on one wee second" and then I'll set down
my bag because it's awful heavy.
I'll set down my bag and then I'll rummage through it because the pepper shaker is quite
small.
It'll probably fall to the bottom.
I'll be like, "hold on a minute".
"You're gonna be sorry".
He's like holding a knife or something.
And I'm like, oh, what are you going to do?
I'm going to go up and you can't see.
Oh, you know what?
I've just realized I'm going to take off the labels and the plastic because it'd have been
embarrassing if I was just right up in his eyes and couldn't get it.
So that's my new plan.
That's a good plan.
I got a gun though.
What's that going to do when you can't see?
My eyes.
Yeah, shoot me.
Shoot me.
Go ahead.
Go on.
I mean, if this is for real, I'd actually just start blasting.
But like, go for it.
You'll never hit me.
You don't know where I am.
Oh, fuck.
I can't see.
What the fuck is your problem?
Are you?
Oh, are you okay?
No, no, you shot me.
God.
Oh, God.
You shot me.
My kidney.
God, it's everywhere.
It's everywhere.
It was for self-defense.
Did any of you have your phones?
It wasn't self-defense.
I wasn't doing anything to you.
I was running away.
Look, look, no one saw anything.
Like, he was playing with the gun.
I still can't see anything.
Exactly.
We're like, we're all peppered and he just-
Somebody, it's only, like, I could be seeing.
He came at us.
No, I didn't.
I'm a good friend of 40 years.
Please.
Look, he came at us and that's it, right?
Look, here, touch the gun.
Touch the gun.
Get your hand, get your fingerprints in the barrel.
I can't see you or is it?
I can't touch this.
Get up.
Is this it?
No, you got it.
Look, now we're all in this together.
I think it was my lung.
My knee's been shattered, you bastards.
I think it ricocheted through his knee.
He's in my lung.
It's my son's graduation tomorrow.
Oh, fuck, Jimmy.
No.
He's gonna be so angry at me.
Well, at least I know it works.
What works?
The gun or the pepper shaker?
The pepper.
Can you still not see?
I can barely breathe.
Oh, fuck.
Sugar.
I don't really get my replies to my profile.
There's that much interest in the four foot nine court jester.
Well, you know what?
It's just my client's type.
Oh, oh, so you're going to have someone else to talk to?
Yeah, I'm going to talk to you.
What's your name?
I'm Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Jimmy, Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Yeah, you're going to have someone else.
Yeah.
No, that's fine.
Look, you're not to my taste.
Yeah, I'm not to anyone's taste.
You're to someone's taste.
And it's my client.
OK.
He seems to be going wild with the budget though.
So I think you could charge him whatever the hell you want.
OK, well, that's not a date.
But you know what?
No, it's a gender reveal party.
OK, right.
Just so I'm clear, I do have Jess's privilege.
I will get to tear into that baby if I want to.
Well, the baby hasn't been born at this point.
Yeah, no, but still.
Well, yes, what my client wants, my client will get.
And he wants a four foot nine dancing boy.
Do you have your own bells?
Of course I have my own bells.
He's Jester has his own hood.
And if another Jester copies that hood,
they get ostracized by the community.
Wow, I've learned something today.
I am an interesting man, as I said on my profile.
Well, I think whenever you discuss this with my client,
you can bring that up to really pre-favor with him.
I am performing.
I'm not just like a greeter, right?
So that's happened before.
Well, he did specify dancing.
Of course I'll be dancing.
Would you do dancing?
I've got bells on my feet as well.
Could you dance and greet?
If it came to that.
I mean, yeah, I'm accommodating,
but I get to roast a child, right?
Oh, I would assume so.
It's just the job of a Jester doesn't come with a lot of perks,
but one of them is that you are allowed to make fun of someone
without repercussions.
Yeah, this is my first time getting a Jester,
so I'm happy to follow your lead on this.
This is very exciting.
I like to learn on my job as well.
It's the amazing thing about being an event planner.
If you want to talk about it over coffee or...
No, we're not doing a date.
But your client, yeah, all right.
Yeah, you can maybe date my client.
I do believe that they're spoken for with the whole baby on the way.
No children, not interested.
No, you don't like...
OK, well, that's good to know.
Well done on finding a hat to fit your head.
You look mighty fine.
Hehehehe.
I know.
I know I do.
All these years have waited for the perfect hat,
and here it is.
Return the compliment, Stuart.
What? Did I go too far?
No, but...
I feel it inside myself, a confidence.
Well, I'm not feeling confident now.
I was hoping as gentlemen we would exchange compliments.
Oh, instead of just exchanging hats.
I thought you were maybe annoyed because the perfect hat,
but for me was the one that was presiding on your head.
Well, I prefer to have the tiny hat that presides underneath my hat.
It's a nice little acknowledgement.
And you know what else is nice? Your tie.
What about my hat?
The hat that is on my head is a lovely hat of yours.
What about the hat?
And the tie that you are wearing looks divine.
The hat that is the exact same as that one on your head,
but slightly smaller.
Forget about the tie.
I didn't pick this out.
Oh, no.
Found in a bin.
Oh, that's a nice bin.
Yeah, I took it with me in case I wanted to throw the tie out again.
Oh, no.
Oh, I was thinking maybe you'd find some nice things in the bin and you kept it,
or maybe you stole it from like a charity shop.
I would never steal from a charity shop again.
It chased me.
My hat fell off a couple of times.
The tiny one is only sitting precariously on my head.
It could fall off at any second.
I would like gust of wind and it's gone.
Then I'll be chasing it.
It does look like it defies physics.
There you go.
Is that a compliment of it?
Is that enough?
It's a compliment, I guess, to that hat,
but I kind of want it to be aimed at me as well.
I feel so strong and powerful with this new hat on my head.
I can take that hat away from you at any time.
No, but it's positioned perfectly,
so you'll have to lift it a little bit and it'll be awkward.
There.
Stuart?
Am I Stuart?
Shit.
You are Stuart.
That hat's cutting off the blood supply to your head.
Dinny?
I'm calling you Dinny.
I know you, because that's my name.
Dinny.
Yeah, sorry.
OK, I'm back now.
Take the hat off.
It's not good.
I think what you're actually experiencing is just a rush of blood.
It feels tight around my head and I can feel every throb,
and every throb makes me stronger.
You look like a tomato.
My brain is growing every moment I wear this hat.
No, if anything, it's just being cut off.
Oh, and who's not giving compliments there?
I'm being considerate.
Your red head looks amazing.
Thank you.
Take off the hat.
Now will you take it off?
OK, I'll lift it off.
Dinny?
Dinny, I think it's stuck.
Oh, no.
No.
I just had to, like I said, it was just a little bit of pressure.
And underneath that hat, what's on your head?
Hey!
How did you get a teeny tiny hat?
It's a trick.
Is it slightly larger than the hat that's on your head?
Because this would be the middle hat, I suppose.
Correct.
Wow.
You know what?
You've really improved as a magician.
Thank you.
And you know, magicians, like gentlemen, always wear a hat.
I would never see you stuck without a hat.
That's good.
I've been trying it out a few times with that hat and it was, oh, bad.
I was booed immediately.
He said, what are you doing?
You're not a magician.
You're just a man.
That really cut me to the core.
It hurts.
Just like whenever I didn't receive that initial compliment.
That's how it felt.
I'm sorry.
The power of the hat goes to you.
It's OK.
It happens.
That was my second cousin.
He said that.
You're just a man.
He said that.
He was in the audience and I was like, oh, a friendly face.
And the friendly face turned to me immediately.
Wow.
You think it'd be nicer just out on probation?
You'd think so.
I gave him somewhere to sleep for a night.
Yeah, and then he robbed you.
Yeah, he did.
Took my dog.
On a nice walk.
Yeah, took it on a nice walk.
But then didn't give him back.
He took my dog on a nice walk, didn't give it back.
And then when I returned looking for the dog, because I was like, oh, no, it's escaped.
He was in my house with the key that I'd given him and the dog and took all my silverware.
My good silver.
You are looking quite famished.
I am.
That hat was the first pressure I felt in three days.
Come on.
Because I've become quite thin and none of my clothes fit me.
It's only taken three days, but...
Let's get you some food.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
Will you drive?
Of course.
Let me put on my chauffeur hat.
Oh.
Hey, everybody.
It's Roger coming at you live from Dunbracken 105.7.
How's your day going, everybody?
It's so good to be here with you.
And as always, we've got a little special guest segment.
And you know how I like to do things here.
I like to let them introduce themselves.
So why don't you go on and tell everybody here in Dunbracken just about yourself?
Well, hi. Thanks for having us.
I'm Jenny.
I'm here with my sister, Joanne, and we're here to talk about our new podcast.
Oh, amazing.
That's so good.
It's so good to see more people taking up the radio mantle.
Not radio, podcast.
Sure, of course.
We're young, so we do podcasts.
You know, podcasting is a very interesting form, but I still feel like we share a similar space.
Sure.
Of us disc jockeys, if you will.
There's money in podcasts, though.
We get ad-free.
Okay.
So why don't you tell more about Dunbracken, more about your podcast then?
So we're obviously siblings, and it wasn't always just us.
We used to have a third.
Okay. And then she sadly passed away.
Oh.
So we're doing Three's a'Cry'd, the subtitle, two musketeers, as our way of commemorating our sister.
Right. And was she involved in the podcast before she sadly passed?
No, it's about the people we've become since she's passed, and we like to think how her life would be if she was still involved.
It's a great coping mechanism, and people think that mourning and grief is often sad, but sometimes it can be fun and quirky and silly.
Okay. And are you sure the listeners will want to listen to this?
We're aware that there's a lot of death in the news, and there's a lot of morbidity.
So we thought that with our distinctive outlook on life, of pep and vigor, we would bring a new burst of energy to our life with our sister.
That's it. People think of death as the end, but really it's a new beginning.
We're still here, right?
We're still here.
So why can't we do stuff?
We will be here. And you know what? If one of us were to pass away, we would keep going.
I haven't agreed that.
Oh, in principle, yeah, sure. But like, are you re-passing me or like?
No, no, no. I'm just saying if I were to pass away, I would want you to keep going. And if you were to pass away, I would want to keep going.
But what about the profit?
Yeah, what about the profits?
Then they'd just be funneled into one person.
We do have a short clip of the pilot episode.
They are the one who are left.
Okay.
Hey, we've got a short clip of your episode to play for the listeners here to see if we can get them on board, if you will.
Why don't we go ahead and play that now?
So, my Johnny, he was hit by a tree that fell down and it's been so hard without him.
I just miss him so much.
And it feels like I've lost most of me.
That is absolutely the wrong outlet to have a life, which is why we've invited you to our sister's funeral.
So that you can see how much fun that we are having today and you can take a leap out of our boots.
Yes. You know what? You seem very down. Do you like a cocktail?
No.
The buff I spread is pretty good.
It is fantastic.
Who are you monsters?
Amazing stuff. Is it true, actually, that you, every time you have a guest on your podcast, you have a new funeral for your sister so that you can relive the grief in such a present moment?
That is correct. And in fact, they are our sponsor, Johnson's Funeral Homes.
Johnson's Funeral Homes. Just down the street here.
They do an excellent service.
No, we will say to your listenership, we are open to taking on sponsorship deals from other funeral directors in the town, also at neighboring towns as well, because there's only so many new coffins that we can put our sister in.
Sure. Forgive me for being the journalist I am. You do dig up your sister every time.
I knew you were going to ask this.
Yeah, of course.
So we don't need to re-embaum her each time. We just transfer her into a different coffin.
We have another week. We see that as kind of our pregame. So we do have predrinks and then we discuss what we want to talk about in that episode.
And then we actually get to the funeral and we invite a new guest.
Yes, and I know what you're asking. And of course, we pregame with our sister. She's here. It would be rude to exclude her.
Right.
She is a part of every episode.
Okay. But I will point out the fact that, you know, you take for the wake, the Martins luncheons, the cafe that we get a lot of our crew food for.
You are in touch with them every single week, getting these sandwiches made for the wake and still proceeding to eat them for the rest of the week. Obviously not in terms of food waste. We don't want any of that.
Wow.
It seems like there's a bit of a weird subject there.
Wow. Sorry, I'm not sure I quite understand what you're inferring, Roger. The sandwiches aren't going to waste. We're getting desserts made as well.
We make sure that any tribakes end up in our freezer because we don't want to lose out on that.
And how dare you talk to us like that? We've just been at our sister's funeral. It's an emotional time for all of us.
There's been nine funerals, nine podcast guests. It just strikes me as an odd thing to partake in. Why not simply rely on theater of the mind?
Why do you have to go to such extent to grieve your sister?
In Egyptian times, one of our pharaoh died to celebrate his death. His body is still preserved thousands of years later. That's what we want for our sister.
And some of them are in museums.
You know what? If you say that's weird, you're saying Egyptian culture is weird.
I do think Egyptian culture is weird.
Wow.
We would never have you on our podcast now.
My family can't die. I don't want to be on your podcast.
You keep saying can't, Roger. What does that mean?
Anyway, I just want to...
Sound tech, do you want to be on our show?
No.
Good.
I think we're going to end the episode there. I just want to say a big thank you.
Episode? You're speaking like us in the podcast world.
Just a little slip of the tongue, if you will.
Sounds like a little bit of jealousy.
Let's just end this here. Okay. Thank you so much for coming on.
And just like all things end eventually.
Lovely. That's so nice.
Even your family.
This has been Roger from...
Three Ziggurat, two Musketeers.
Okay. This has been Roger from Dumbrak in 105.7. See you guys soon. Thank you so much.
Follow us wherever you get good podcasts.
It's done. It's over.
Please leave a review on Spotify or Apple. We will read it out if you leave us five stars.
Should Di remove the carcass from the room?
There will be a Patreon.
Don't refer to her as a carcass.
The smell.
That's not her.
So the fact that I even had you on the show in the first place is beyond me.
The producer was very insistent that we advertise some more young people.
But the fact that you think you can come in here and step on my toes.
Flare, grunt, ageism.
Ageism. How about professionalism?
How about...
Jealousy.
I've been in the industry years over the both of you.
So I'm saying, longer than we've all been alive.
Yeah, longer than we've all been alive.
Wow. With our sister in the room.
Yeah. Well, maybe don't dig up your sister every time you have a podcast guest.
Maybe leave a bit of fucking illusion to your podcast.
We will not exclude her.
It's disgusting.
I do have a question on the podcast.
Do you do a video podcast as well or is...
For Patreon users.
So it is theater of the mind for most people then.
Yes.
Interesting.
You're hammering money, right?
No. We're very rich.
What? That's weird.
We're napple babies.
Oh. I'm... I'm at a loss for words.
This very rarely happens.
What on earth are you doing?
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was your hood.
I thought I made this up.
Take it off.
We have like one rule.
I didn't know.
How was I supposed to know green and red and bells was going to be your design?
That's not fair.
If you go to Jesterpedia, you see all the hats and you will see mine.
I've got a 3D model of it and everything.
Look, I don't believe it's an accident because your hat makes exact same jingly noises mine does.
Jingle, jingle.
Yeah. G sharp.
I know.
G sharp with one bell C flat.
It's not an accident.
It is an accident.
You've been copying me.
You won't let me back in the library so I couldn't check what was used.
It's on the internet.
I took a shot in the dark.
I was like, this is a safe go.
It's on the internet.
I know you have the...
And red with little tufts.
That's not any jester.
I know.
We've been to the same conventions.
You've seen me with my hat.
You can't kick me.
Maybe it was an inspiration.
Maybe it incested my mind.
Please don't kick me out.
It was... I'm willing to get rid of the hood.
It's not just up to me.
It's up to the Council of Jesters.
Maybe you can put in a good word once you berate that kid.
I won't put up a good word.
You've stripped me off.
I am so furious.
But after you berate that kid, maybe you'll berate me a little bit and then...
No, I don't have privilege over you.
You're not a king.
We're Jesters.
We don't make fun of each other.
We don't steal from each other.
But if I'm the one on trial, will you not be in the jury making fun of me?
It will be a jury of your peers, so yes, there will be a Jester.
Exactly.
I just need someone to make fun of you.
I just need someone to put in a good word.
That's what your lawyer's there for.
Unserious.
He's not a serious man.
Oh, is he the one who on the weekend does stand-ups?
Yeah.
Why'd you hire a lawyer who does stand-ups?
He's got a presence.
He's very funny.
I thought that would be good.
Sure, hire him for his law skills when he stand-ups.
No, I made a mistake.
I made a second mistake.
He's not funny without Jesters.
They only respond to physical comedy.
I know.
I know I should have went for the clown guy.
But I'm sorry.
I was panicked.
You should have gone for the lawyer.
You're on a clown non-stand-up lawyer.
I was stressed.
I didn't expect to get summoned to the Court of Jesters.
Look, you ripped me off and you know you did.
I'm sorry.
If you grovel in front of the Court of Jesters, not in front of me, okay?
Okay, I'll do that.
And you will get torn in two.
Don't be mean.
They'll get personal.
That's fine.
They'll talk about your divorce.
That's okay.
They can go into whatever they want as long as I can't still be a Jester.
This is all I'm good for.
They'll talk about how you dropped out of culinary school.
That's fine.
This is the only thing I still have respect in.
They'll talk about how you got banned from a library.
I...
They will.
They shouldn't, but they will.
Okay, okay.
You'll put in a good word.
No.
You don't think you understand how this works?
Even if I forgave you, it's not up to me.
But you're part of the jury.
You can swing.
Well, that will be up to your lawyer.
I will be impartial.
What if I get my lawyer some clowning classes?
And he doesn't get...
Get him law classes?
He's a terrible lawyer.
Yeah, but if he could have good physical comedy...
I don't think you're listening to me.
If he does good physical comedy, they might be like,
Wow, yeah, quitted.
Wow, well, invite him to join us,
but we would never represent us in a legal battle.
What if he gets so good at physical comedy,
he accidentally kills himself in court?
And then it's a mistrial, and then you're free to go.
Number one, lawyers have accidentally killed themselves
on trial before.
It's not a mistrial.
He's just getting on the lawyer.
Not a mistrial.
No.
Number two, if they do that, they're bad at physical comedy.
The whole idea is we mime it.
Or is it just really committed?
No, we mime it.
I don't...
Do you think whenever I like bludgeon and hit myself on the head
that it's an actual one?
Yes.
No.
Does that not hurt?
It's fake.
Wow, I've been doing this all wrong.
It makes a squeaking noise.
Really?
I thought that was you.
I thought I came out of your mouth.
Well, that's the bit.
The first two times it's the thing, and the third time it's me.
Oh, no.
You don't get gistering at all.
Are you sure you want to do this?
I have to.
You were great at cooking.
You should go back to culinary school.
No, I poisoned someone at the library.
Intentionally?
No.
Flabbergasted.
Is that how you got bad?
Yeah.
Not intentionally.
I offered someone my lunch.
Oh, was that your wife?
That explains all three.
Yeah, it was all happened.
It was a really bad afternoon.
She was looking up a divorce anyway on the computer.
And she tasted my food and poisoned herself.
The way you describe it makes it sound intentional.
It was funny, physical comedy.
It's all fake.
I didn't know that at the time.
OK, let me speak to the king.
It's tough knowing you got married and I'm still single.
Yeah.
You have a lot of personal growth to do.
What?
You know what?
I'm going to put in a bad word for you.
No, no, no.
No.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced, and edited
by Connoth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast,
you can follow us at DunbrackenPod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon,
Gerda Donley, Cairnsands, Eddie Goodwin, and James Fulton.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon.
And you can check out his entire album, Unearthed,
on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening.
Look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.