Jay, I say this with all the love in the world.
You know I love you so much. What the fuck's
wrong with your nose? This weekend, I bumped
it and cut it. Cut it! and I just keep breaking
it and then today I broke it again at the gym
while I was sweating and it just looked like
I got bludgeoned in the face. I like pulled my
towel up and it was somewhere during my chest
press and I pulled my towel up to wipe my face
and like I looked at the towel I was like And
then well the chest press is front of a like
a pillar so I can't really see a mirror So I
like lean over and it's just like running down
my sweat I'm so glad the gym was pretty empty
because it would have people probably would have
been traumatized Were you like Stewie when he
has the lipstick and he goes? 100 % me when he
got on he was tapping his nose And he was doing
this and I thought he was applying because this
camera hadn't like focused yet So I thought he
was applying something to his nose and I was
like is he trying to be culturally insensitive
and being wrong at that You're a few inches south
to be culturally insensitive That's what he said
as usual But wow, so an injury that happened
and got worse the gym how fitting for today's
topics Too busy with fucking turkey and instant
pots. Okay, I'm pretty sure we have one and I'm
just gonna miss it this week because I have moved
my complete office and the Beards and Sentries
phone is still in the other room and so we'll
use it next week. Sorry, I'm pretty sure it's
Shanae, so I'm so sorry, Shanae. You put it here
first, Beardos. Jay will not go to the other
room for you. Not right now. First I've heard
that so many times you guys just go to the other
room. You won't even let me release naturally
Yeah, you just take a picture of the other room.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well then
press start. Yeah With a little flair, Anthony!
You get Season 8 of Beards & Sundries! And welcome
back! Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Unlucky. Spooky. Spooky. The Baker's Dozen. Well
that's right guys, it is time for another lunch
break here at Beards and Sundries, the shop where
three game men with beards do inventory under
new sundry in each episode. My name is Jay, and
no, the spot on my nose is not me accidentally
or trying to be racist. Or. Or. Or. And or, whatever.
There we go. important. I'm Anthony, and do you
think that Straight Men invented the John Reilly
Christmas album? Well, they've created a hoax
just like everything else. What album? And I'm
Joe, and no homo, bro. Ha ha. Unless? And well,
that means, well, and that means the day's sundry
item is Straight Men. Beardos, white people are
stupid, and the straight males tend to be some
of the stupidest, no matter what color their
skin is. Today, we're going to chat, joke, and
laugh about the dumb things that straight men
do, and why so many of them give off more than
a little bit of a gay vibe. After the break,
we're going to think about some of the things
that the straight men have created that we could
see ourselves getting into. Later on, we've got
some Beardo -submitted sundries that do a little
more than just touch the tips. And then for game
time, we're going to be making some lists, but
only check in them once. But before we think
about just how incredibly gay the world of sport
is in general, how about this week's lack of
a voicemail? Jay? All my fault. Teehee. Couldn't
even go to the other room for the voicemail.
I'm sorry, listeners. I, um... Sorry, John. I
did a lot of work. I did a lot of work switching
this whole apartment around this weekend and...
Ho. Oh, and I'm still a little tired. And discombobulated.
Didn't we talk about straight men in general
on an earlier episode of this season of the podcast?
Oh, was it this season? Maybe. Because I thought
the clarification here was that we were talking
about things that we think straight men invented
that are actually very gay. Yeah, it was their
way. It was their way to be gay. Yeah. Well,
I can talk about whatever we want. Cuz it's our
podcast not yours. It's our podcast down here.
It's Do the truffle shuffle well then Joe, do
you think I can find the wide world of rugby
and other contact sports in aisle four where
the other straight things are? If you can find
rugby in aisle four, you can find Joe in aisle
four, too. But if you guys are new to the show
and you're wondering just what the hell a sundry
is, the term comes from an old English word meaning
odds and ends. Today, it's used mainly in retail
as a way to group together items that typically
don't have a group of their own. So as three
happily non -straight gay men with beards, we
are using the term to group together the wide
range of topics that we cover. Wow, bro. Yeah,
bro. Oh, doorknob. Wasn't that thing in high
school where they like, Oh, yeah. Which is gay.
What was that about? What was that about? It
was straight men wanting to touch other men's
junk. It really was. To see if it was big or
not. To just constantly feel each other's junk.
I want to specify how I got this topic idea.
Literally, I think the bowl and I were sitting
I don't know just at somewhere and on TV it was
wrestling and it was just constantly playing
wrestling all day I think I was with him or was
I with my friend Dustin Jesus fuck I don't remember
anyways and I'm just like how gay of a sport
is this oh man Oklahoma State traditional wrestling
or was it like professional wrestling it was
massive air quotes traditional thing like where
they're on the mat and they're throwing each
other down yeah and stuff I was like, what's,
oh, you're meaning like WWE and stuff like that.
Sorry. Okay. Yes. Definitely traditional. Cause
they were in their little singlets. And I mean,
you were, you were looking at these cute little
round butts and you saw the bulges and they're
pinning each other down. And I'm like, well,
I do this all the time as a sport. The positions
they start in. Okay, so Oklahoma State University
has a really really good wrestling team like
nationally known and we've gone to a few matches
there and like it is so gay and people are like
cheering for it and like losing their minds and
I'm like I'm We're watching the same thing, right?
Like you're cheering for this, what's going on
right now. And these boys are like grabbing each
other between the legs and like mounting each
other from behind. And like, let me tell you,
when the heavyweights come out, it's just like,
ha ha ha ha. It's like a fucking golden corral
in there. What you should see the way I slide
out of my chair and all the way down, all the
way through all of the seats onto the like floor
of the arena and into the wrestling mat. The
last match we went to was like because heavyweights
are last. to go up through the weight classes
until heavyweight at the end. And we were like,
come on, come on, come on, come on. And the heavyweight
match was like 10 seconds. I was like, God damn
it. Like all of that for nothing. It's just like
a straight guy. I think cheering for wrestlers
to like mount them and pin them down is kind
of the same idea as when people are like, oh
yeah, we've been trying to have a baby for a
long time and everyone's like. You're just like,
literally cheering about them cream pieing all
the time. I mean, it's like, yeah. In a way,
yeah. Except I like wrestling. Well, I like cream
pieing, too. I'm in there like Chris Jenner with
the phone with the camera. I'm like Chris Jenner
with the camera. Like, you're doing amazing,
sweetie. Because it's gay. It's really like,
it's fun to watch. And then, like, once you kind
of figure out what's happening with the scoring,
I'm like, oh, OK. Like, I get what's going on
here. It's really quick, but when the heavyweights
come out it is absolutely brain penis 100 % I
am here for whatever version of porn this is
and I cannot fathom that any other person is
in that building for anything other than watching
two men just It's everything shy of sex. I mean
there was that Minnesota wrestler. It was super
hot I don't know. He was the heavyweight though,
and he was so fucking fine gable steveson oh
if we can remember to put a picture of him up
here in the corner we will because he is delicious
oh my god he's so fine there was a period of
time where i'm pretty sure i very it would have
been like early 20s or late late teens where
i was enjoying the wrestling porn for sure where
they'd be like we're gonna wrestle and then all
of a sudden it would turn it would turn into
the really quick yeah the singlets would fall
off and then uh -huh and then all of a sudden
they would act like Accidentally kiss or something
and I'd be like, oh, oh, this is The singlets
are so little so revealing and so tight and then
you see that penis You see that junk you see
that junk you see the outline of everything in
so many sports baseball football Yeah wrestling
and like those wrestlers are trying to make weight
to stay in their class so they're not wearing
anything yeah and it's sports where they're just
like yo everyone wants to look at everyone's
junks and how bubbly their butt is i'm not mad
this is why professional sports is invaded by
gay people straight men who really were gay at
like secretly if because if you yeah yeah if
you like football Go to a football game early,
not to see the marching band, but to see the
team warm up and do their stretches on the field,
because it's like a free show. Especially when
they're literally helping each other stretch.
Yeah, they're leaning into each other. And the
missionary position, you know the one. You know
the one with the legs all the way up. Let's get
those ankles behind those ears, buddy. And then
you see one of them slip in on accident. You're
like, oh, yeah. Accident. And then I just think
back to not that long ago, and I'm like, ah,
yeah. Just a couple of dudes being gay. Just
a couple of dudes being dudes. A couple of dudes
being guys. A couple of guys being gay. Show
me your dick, Steve. Yeah, a lot of sports are
like that, though. Like, a lot of it's got, you
know, because they're, like, athletic and, like,
slipping around and, like, you know, basically
fucking ball handling. I guess what gets me about
it is how... into these contact sports straight
men, whenever we use massive air quotes, are.
They're so into it. I don't understand how the
commentators for football can take themselves
seriously because they say the gayest stuff.
Oh my god. They're like, oh, he went right up
the hole. Oh, he's leaving a gap wide open for
him to get right up in there. You see him coming
in from behind. And I'm just like, well, yeah.
When someone gets sacked, I'm just like, that's
so gay! Come on! I love getting sacked, but it's
not because I'm a quarterback. God, like it's
so gay. I'm a fullback. He went into prison as
a tight end, but he came out a wide receiver.
And then Anthony talked about it earlier, just
locker room culture in general. Yeah, the locker
room is a super gay place. Let's talk about that
first. I have touched less ass as a homosexual
than so many straight men spanking each other's
asses. I was waiting to see how that sentence
was gonna unfold as you were doing it in real
time. I've touched so many asses! It's my Christmas
album! It's so weird to me how often everyone's
like, wha -pah! And I'm like, what the fuck?
I'm trying to remember who did it to me in high
school. I think a teacher did it once. He's like,
good job. I was like, boop, and I'm like, huh?
A teacher touched your ass? That should not have
happened. I'm not going to go into detail on
this teacher. But because I feel like this you
should because this feels like a therapy thing
and no no leave the place No, no, actually it
goes a completely different way I was one of
those people that was like hey like the way you
sometimes handle people I think you're just trying
to be like nice and all it's very uncomfortable
for a lot, so Probably shouldn't do that. And
this guy's like an American beauty type thing.
Pretty much. This guy's like, yeah, no, you guys
are being dramatic. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Literally not that long ago got in trouble because
now we're just not in a society that you can
be like, don't don't worry about it. Blah, blah,
blah. Like it finally like just show me your
penis. It's not a big deal. I look at them all
the time. I always chalked it up to, and I still
don't know, it's kind of that situation where
it's like, I know how many guys definitely coaches
will just be like, boof, whenever somebody's
like walking off the quarters or field, anything,
whatever they're on. And I kind of chalked it
up to that. But still, I'm just like, why? Why
do you have to touch my butt? Why? I don't get
it. Can't you just say good job? Or like, maybe
the shoulder instead? Tap my shoulder? I don't
know. What's the butt thing? I don't understand.
I don't get it. It's gotta be some weird male
bonding thing that they... Oh, it's male bonding.
I've seen where the button is male bonding. The
rituals are intricate, but they don't need to
happen when I into your but I don't need to happen
during sports stuff like that's I don't know
I'm progressive or a snowflake, but I just don't
think you need to smack someone's ass when they
do well on the basketball court I mean if I'm
playing basketball with you now free me yeah
Like I love male bonding consensually. I mean
honestly yeah, the whole teacher while you were
a student in high school thing that yeah that's
that's a little yeah oh don't worry that's one
of those things where i was like that seems off
but you've never done anything too crazy to me
but that still seems off it feels gross it feels
very gross the more i more i look back the more
i'm like you were kind of really weird and yeah
the way he handled it tells me that you weren't
the first and you definitely weren't the last
well yeah there was a group of us that was just
like you you can't like just touch people on
the shoulders that you don't know, like, don't
touch me anyway, Fred Krueger, and they burn
in the basement of the boiler room. Don't don't
touch people. I'm like, don't touch people calm
the fuck down. But I've always been very much
like don't touch me until I'm comfortable with
you. And then there's even still like this difference
between comfortable is just like acquaintances
and friends versus comfortable as in like physical
bonding in a way. And that doesn't always mean
sex. I think there's I've seen it in work work
settings sometimes where like I've seen like
an older male like touch a girl's shoulder or
like touch your arm or something. And I'm like,
don't touch. You don't have to touch people.
Why do you think that's okay? And she would come
up and to and hug me. Yeah, I don't like I dude
I would not I was not there. I was not there
for that. I know it was like innocuous, but it
was just so uncomfortable. When you said that
I had a flashback to a friend I used to work
with where her boss used to come in and she would
lean into her computer and show her how to do
stuff and she just had such big boobs that they
would basically rest on my friend's shoulder.
And I was like, the worst part about it is I
don't even think she's sexually assaulting you.
I think she's just taking a break for her back.
Like you are in the intro? By the end of this
season, I really hope that your character is
wearing a back brace and leaning back and holding
her back. They're just down to your knees. Absolutely
massive. I kind of want them to keep getting
bigger. Like the hat in Scary Movie 3? Yeah,
a little bit like that. Everything's been getting
incrementally bigger this whole time, kind of
like a Lil' Kim situation. I was like, this last
episode, they were pretty voluptuous in the cover,
next to Joe's crooked ass face. You know, I haven't
even listened to that episode yet, still. I have
heard from two or three different people about
it, and I'm like, I still haven't listened to
it yet. Are we hearing good, bad? No, it was
good, it was good. Okay, I was like, that was
a fun episode. We heard a compliment about the
comedy or algae commercial, which I still haven't
even listened to yet. So I did like that commercial.
That was that was pretty fun. I love I didn't
know what to do. And I love that it came to came
to me right. Right when I started going at it.
Well, now, speaking of being in high school and
gay shit. that straight people do. I feel like
some of the gayest stuff like my doorway to being
gay was doing gay things with my straight friends
in high school. Elaborate. I said elaborate.
You know, you wanted to like Did you not like
jack off together with your friends like doing
some things like that? I did not granted there
was more sexual things But you know we were we
were consenting kids who were about the same
age So don't but it was still like a weird like
I look back. I'm just like man a lot of straight
people showing like Just example of a moment.
We were in the ag like break room This was not
a complete sex thing, but one of the guys that
I was in High school with in my class was like
hey Anthony and I just turned over to like look
and Completely out of his shorts just balls and
just balls like just balls, but they were They
were like truck nuts they're they're they're
big balls. I've seen some big balls big balls
Have you got those checked out? Maybe it's like
a fond memory thing where I'm like But I don't
know I feel like I and then you hear about those
like games that people play like like Limp Bizkit.
Do you like Limp Bizkit not the band but Limp
Bizkit the game that the band is supposedly named
after? Please elaborate. I must have grown up
extra gay. Because that game is supposed to be
based off like a group of guys jack off onto
a cookie and the last person to come has to eat
it. I've seen, well, I haven't enjoyed them.
I've seen videos, but I didn't know that's what
that was called. Yeah, that wasn't the title
of the video I watched. It's not for me. I get
that there's a kink about it somewhere in a community
somewhere, but it's not for me. I could almost
say yes until I actually come in the next video.
I get the salty and sweet, but I'm just like,
can I just put some Himalayan pink salt on it?
That's a that's a crumble corner that I'm not
venturing to that what if we It's it's it's cumble
corner Episode title the Dubai jizz brownie The
Dubai cookie from Cumble. Presented by Limp Bizkit.
And then one of the reviews says, oh my god,
it's so good. I love the frosting. Sometimes
I wear women's panties and walk around Fifth
Street and I'm like, what? What, Janet? What
did you put in there? That Himalayan sea salt
is presented by the Rock. I don't know. That
was that was almost a joke. Yeah. Yeah, something.
It felt like it just up short of a word or two.
Also oh go ahead no good hazing yeah to the point
that there's gay porn about it hazing is Literally
them being like we're going to take the weakest
guy in our group and basically assault him sexually
sexually Yeah, I mean, yeah, and think of how
many men have like died or gone to the hospital
from like, hazings that went too far. And I'm
just like, you were just being aggressively gay.
They're also weirdly like secretive about it,
too. Like they're like, don't say anything or
drish. The traditions are like really like, don't
say that we passionately made out and had sex
all of us together. And don't don't forget about
my wedding 10 years from now. I just can't imagine
don't record it people to join a frat. had gay
sex for the first time and just got fucked without
themselves being ready. Like, I think of things
like that where I'm like, yeah, that's sexual
assault. Like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. We
it's it's alarming how our society is kind of
just really littered with it more than, you know,
even though, like, you know it, but you I just
don't think we realize how bad it is because
we're not the sheep. Everything else. Everything
else all the time. Yeah, it's a very prevalent,
like, rape culture is a real thing. Yeah. I'm
really hoping that our genera - mmm, younger
generations, because we're already - I was just
gonna say, maybe, maybe we go down one or two.
I'm really hoping that younger generations are
really getting into that, like, consent is sexy
shit like that, being - and just being like,
no, I'm not gonna do this so I can get into a
frat. I also think frats are being frowned upon
now because of so much scandal. Yep. I think
so too. I did read that, uh, Gen Alpha is bas
- basically abandoning Facebook, which I think
is very hopeful. Yay! I mean, I did too, bitch.
I'm currently deactivated, and it's really nice
not just scrolling all the time, through ads
that I don't care about. I also got rid of all
of the games that were on my phone, and my screen
time, week over week, went down by an hour and
40 minutes. Per day. Yeah, so I don't really
have any... Games on I guess I have a couple
two hours and ten minutes. Oh four hours, okay?
James like I'm at 24 hours an hour I Want to
be at that number how's that sound I when I realize
you want to Because, you know, you look at the
weekly average in like 3 hours and 45 minutes
or 4 hours and it's like, okay, that's not too
bad. But then I put that into days and I was
like, wait a fucking second. I'm wasting an entire
day of my week on this fucking thing? Yeah. On
things I don't care about. on things I don't
care about. That's what I realized. I'm gonna
put this phone away because I'm just tired of
seeing shit pop up on it. I'm tired of looking
at it all the time. That was actually the one
thing about the trip to Colorado that I was like,
this was nice. Nice was for like 12 hours, just
not or actually more, just not having any phone
whatsoever that the first cruise we went on.
Because it was 2015. I didn't get any service
while we were on the boat And so I just left
my phone in the room and I never used it in the
first day It was super uncomfortable. But the
second day. Oh my god. It was like somebody had
like I Don't know. It was like I had been carrying
around an extra 200 pounds and I just dropped
it off immediately. Yeah, you get to like look
around and actually see things. See things. And
enjoy them instead of just like seeing something
real quick and then looking back at your phone.
I have been noticing how nice the brakes are
and how my brain goes ah whenever I don't have
it around and I'm trying to find more times that
I don't that I can just escape from it more.
Because I still have to utilize it a lot for
random shit, but I really want to find more ways
to not do it. Like I have like a few people that
I want to make sure I maintain contact with fairly
consistently, but I want to find ways to do that.
It don't require me to maintain contact with
everybody. I was doing audiobooks for a little
while for a couple weeks and it's nice. It's
nice to listen to the story that I'm currently
listening to and then like I just found myself
like. Wanting something even though I was physically
like eating but I just needed like something
with my hand like, you know You need that something
it's cuz we're all related to these fucking little
rectangles But so I'm gonna start bringing my
actual book that I'm working on to work so I
can read a book During my lunch break and just
do that instead of looking at a phone screen
That's what I did today and I used the Libby
app to basically like get a book that I saw I
read The book that I'm reading at night, I have
the library copy of it in my Kindle. So I just
pulled up the Kindle like web interface and I
just picked up where I left off and I just read
while I ate. Yeah, I need to do I need to physically
hold something I think and I think the book will
help me with that. Yeah, I was holding food with
one hand and I was clicking the next page with
the other so I think my other thing is is I want
to get away from screens in general. I'm always
on my phone, always on a computer, always with
the TV on, but I'm so bad at focusing on a book
I feel like I want to just bring back an old
hobby of like model cars or something like that
just to get out of technology. Do your screen
printing or all your sign making? I was just
gonna say I'm finding myself with reading like
having to re teach myself to stop and Focus on
it. And so I it for me I'm just it is one of
those things where I also have gotten the bug
about more writing now that I've been reading
more and So I've been like writing a little bit
every day And so like that's starting to happen
and I'm realizing that to better write, I need
to read and not just listen to books, but I need
to physically read books. And so it's sort of
like a, I'm, I'm using this as an opportunity
to both entertain myself, but also to learn.
You know, maybe it wouldn't hurt if I started
myself to read books again, because if I'm constantly
straying away from my phone, I'm not so focused
on the quick dopamine rush of scrolling and seeing
short content, and I'm wondering if switching
to a book would help my long -term focus. So
that way I can stop interrupting you and telling
you to take a picture. I mean, that would be
great, actually. You know what? I don't want
to change that. What a fucking asshole. I think
the way I'm living is perfect. Can't even be
bothered to break away from a screen long enough
to go to the other room to get the phone to upload
the fucking voicemail. I have definitely caught
myself as I'm aging just being like, I can't
fucking focus. Like, this is a long story or
this is this is whatever you're doing is just
no. I mean, I notice it too, and I've gotten
to where I am actively trying now to keep my
focus on things. And reading is one of those
things that I think is very helpful in that capacity.
Well, I did say that I was going to do a lot
more for like my physical and mental health this
year again, but not so focused on therapy. So
like right now I'm doing all these really healthy
dinners and bullshit like that during the weekdays,
and then I fuck it up on the weekends and drink
too much also. But on top of that, maybe that
would be my mental health focus this year. Well,
I got back in. I got back into reading riding
my bike more and I've been going to like trails
by the river that we have here in Tulsa or like
just riding on a square mile pattern that we
have right here at the house and it's been nice
to get out and I put on an audiobook so I have
something to listen to but I'm staying aware
of course and wearing my helmet but it's nice
to get some cardio in but also like get outside
and experience some weather and see the sky while
it's nice and blue before it gets fucking hot
here in Oklahoma next week probably but it's
been nice to kind of like get out there and like
I don't know, knock out 15, 20 miles in about
an hour and a half and just, you know, enjoy
the scenery and not have to sit in a chair or
on the couch and scroll through my phone through
news stories that I don't care about. It's a
better way to spend my time and I'm also burning
calories. That's the other thing, straying away
from the... the phone, just in general, just
with the news and all that stuff, because it's
so easy to get caught up in that. And I stray,
I strive to like, steer my algorithm away from
showing me that constantly. But then it just
goes right back. It's, you can't avoid it. I
think it's on purpose at this point. 100%. I
think getting rid of TikTok helped me a ton.
Deactivating, deactivating Facebook has been
just another really great step. And a few people
reached out to me like a week after and they're
like, are you? not on Facebook because I think
they tried to like tag me in something or tried
to like mention me in a comment and I'm like
no I'm just I'm deactivated right now I'm taking
a break from it I still have my profile I'm just
only on messenger if you want to hit me up but
like honestly I have not missed it I don't care
about the ads that fly over it all the time because
that's all it is anymore is fucking useless ads
or someone I haven't talked to in 10 years I
think I talked about this before but basically
I was whittling down my friend list slowly by
going through birthdays every day and being like
oh here's someone I haven't talked to in 15 years
and don't care about unfriend and that's how
I was like slowly cleaning my friends list up
but honestly it's just been nice not to have
it on there because it's nice to lay in bed at
night to go to sleep and open up a book and fall
asleep within 10 minutes instead of looking at
a blue light screen hurting my eyeballs and not
falling asleep quickly And that's pretty straight.
I think who cares at this point. I think this
is fun, too Yes, yeah, I think my next dance
you get rid of I don't want to do this, but I
find myself scrolling on it now that I don't
have anything else on my phone It's tumblr and
you back on tumblr so My there's so much funny
stuff on there, but I'm like this is the same
thing you're getting little things and you're
not you're you're you're breaking your Yeah,
you can't do it. You can't do it. You got to
get away from it I opened it two days ago, and
I'm logged out and I don't know my password and
instead of like going through the whole thing
and resetting the password and have to remember
something something something something I'm just
like letting myself be logged out for a while
and that's also been something crazy. Yeah I'm
gonna have to delete the app so that I don't
find myself scrolling through it because it's
not bad but it still is like the little tiny
dopamine hits. We're just constantly chasing
those and I'm like ugh. Yeah I already have enough
chemical imbalances in my brain. I think one
of the pressures I have is like on Instagram.
Instagram is the one that I scroll most. Facebook
I don't really care about. I'm barely on there.
Insta is the one that I scroll most and I have
a lot of people that Send me like funny stuff
funny videos funny memes all that stuff and I
love it I love that they think of me and I love
that they share this stuff because most of it's
pretty funny I almost feel like there's a pressure
that I have to react react and that I have to
Reciprocate mm -hmm because if I don't then it
just looks like I'm they're just bombarding me
with stuff and I'm like, ha ha ha, and then just
ignoring it. And I don't want them to think that
that's how I feel. But I'm also like, I want
to see this shit. I just don't want to scroll
and send stuff back anymore. Let me tell you
how people that like I will legitimately there
are days that there was a Sunday recently where
I just did not I put my phone somewhere in the
house and I didn't even look at it. And like
the next day I had messages and stuff and I was
like, hey, you know, I just took the day off
my phone. Mm -hmm people get it people understand
at least that's nice is that the stigma is not
It's no longer steered toward a why weren't you
on your phone? Are you mad at me like now? It's
people are understanding that everyone needs
to have more mental health balance, and I think
we're all Starting to see and agree that it's
harder than it sounds. So at least we know the
problems there It's just now that there's more
of a focal lens to fix it and Jay real quick
I want to talk about the insta thing. There's
a guy he doesn't listen to this I can guarantee
it, but there's this guy in choir who was like
Sort of friends with me. He will send me a reel.
I'd say maybe every other day I never ever ever
send anything back will give it a couple days
or a day and I'll watch it and I'll do the crying
with laughter emoji and that's basically it and
I he obviously doesn't understand that he's just
bombarding me with reels because he keeps doing
it and I'm probably not the only one but I'm
just like bro like Get take the fucking hint
like I'm not I'm not wanting to be on this app
all the time because I'm not Watching all the
reels all the time and sending you more So I
think you're right to a sense, but there are
other people out there that just are still wrapped
up in it I mean I think tick -tock I hadn't been
on it for months and months and months and then
whenever I logged in to either check something
or when it was I when I logged in to go delete
all my accounts I remember saying that I had
like hundreds of messages from people. Jesus,
because they were just forwarding me videos over
months and months and months. And I'm like, I'm
like, oh my god, like, really? Thank you for
sending me stuff. There's this girl that I used
to work with at my other store. And she will
sometimes send our group chat a tick tock link
to a video. And I, I literally can't watch them
because I no longer have the app. And I'll just
say like, I'm not on TikTok anymore. And in the
back of my mind, I'm just like, man, you're still
on TikTok. I don't I can't tell if TikTok is
still popular or not, because I'm not on it.
And I don't give it any thought. But I think
it's still popular. I have gotten a lot of people
to figure out that I'm also not on it, because
they'll send me videos. I'm like, sorry, I don't
have the app at all. And that's OK. Yeah. I'm
like, if you want me to see it, you're going
to screen record it and send it. I remember reading
somewhere that. Yeah, all the time. I remember
reading somewhere that China, it's their version
of this TikTok app in China is like a mental
health, like educational thing that they send
people videos every day, like how to take care
of yourself and how to do daily tasks. And they
literally sent America the version we have. And
I was just like, you know, that is so fucking
smart. And like, what a power play because they
know what we're doing has made us Like we didn't
need any help to become more stupid, but it sure
is doing the trick because I see, I remember
seeing some of these TikTok people and I'm just
like, yikes, yikes. I'm glad I broke the trance
when I did, because I was in it bad. I'm glad
I broke it. And also it's kind of fun to watch.
Not fun, I shouldn't say it that way. It's interesting
to watch a lot of these. Creators. Yeah, and
especially like the couples and how they're their
videos look so like authentically close and staged
and then you start to see like behind the background
stuff and like they're just ordinary really unhappy
people because a lot of times the The job to
be a creator like that is just don't ever ending.
Yeah It's mr. Beast is a great example of because
he has said publicly that he has lost track of
who he is as a person. Yeah, in pursuit of fame.
Yep. Because you're performing all the time.
All the time. Now granted, he said he's okay
with that that he's lost himself in the process.
But like, Jesus fucking Christ, what a thing
to just be like, Yeah, I don't really know who
I am anymore. But I have fame now for a little
bit. I I feel like even podcasters i feel like
tony and ryan i feel like that is kind of a path
they went down a little bit i feel like for example
how many times have i told you guys on our show
that when we're recording while we are being
us it is a presentation of us where we like i'm
making more jokes and shit like that that don't
really fucking align with how I live life, but
it's all for the kind of the comedy at the time.
It's my humor, but the image that people are
getting of me and that sometimes I feel like
I have to portray just to keep the comedy going,
it's acting and we do it once a week. I, I, and
not really for that much. I liked to listen to
Tony and Ryan for a little while and I tried
to keep up, but man they do it every day. Yeah,
it's their job five days a week. I don't understand.
And they have to be on and perform and like I
know they're pretty authentic probably, but like
man to always be like on like that. It just seems
exhausting. It was fine whenever I lived 25 minutes
from work. and had to drive 25 minutes or longer
and like I could squeeze the episodes in on my
drive it was great and then you know prior to
that I could also listen to like NPR news and
Wall Street Journal and stuff like that and then
news and 2016 went so fucking insane I gave up
but I had to stop listening to it. I used to
be a huge advocate for politics. I loved listening
to NPR on the way to and from work but now I
sometimes NPR will pop on and I'm just like I
listen to it for five seconds and I'm like nope
yeah I don't want it it I don't want it and it
unfortunately it always has to go down a political
path I'm like I'm out I catch enough of this
I'm out I appreciate you I'm out I appreciate
what you do and what you're doing, but I can't
listen to it all the fucking time. Yeah, I can't.
Um, should we go to commercial break or press
pause? Yeah, to a break, please. Let's go straight
to press pause. You're enjoying season eight
of Beards and Sundries. Now back to the game.
And we're back. I don't even remember what the
second part was about and I made it up No, it's
um We're gonna think about some things that straight
men have created that we could see ourselves
getting into like wrestling. Yeah. Oh, yeah I
basically already do it in the bedroom. It's
just that might be a little more focused on pinning
them down but That's a little rapey Point That
wasn't what I meant. Get down there, young man.
Get down there. Ew, don't say that either. Oh,
this segment's starting so bad. Get down there,
young man. I'm going to pin you down. The dainty
dom strikes again. How about a VCR head cleaner?
Oh my gosh. That's dangerous on cardiovascular.
I somehow doubt it. Yeah, if you're on meds.
Yeah, and I am. Well, then don't do it the wrong
way, stupid. Yeah, I can't because I'm on blood
pressure medication. Like I'm literally on a
beta blocker. Jock straps. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yeah.
Although I am convinced a gay man would have
done that. The whole ass is just out. Yeah, why
why like is it just like are you supposed to
be able to poop really quick on the baseball
diamond? Like why is the ass out? Why did you
know what I have to look this up why? Jock straps
made your algorithm Okay, in the late 1800s,
the velocipedes, or whatever the early bicycles,
were becoming a popular mode of transportation
in Boston. However, these bikes lacked rubber
tires and suspension, and the city streets were
primarily made of uneven cobblestone. Whether
they're writing or just the pole for the men
riding these bone shakers the constant jarring
and more than just Uncomfortable and it was medically
risky the repetitive impact could lead to various
visits. What the okay? This is so like what Jay
okay? Are we getting there get the jockstraps
created it? So basically it was originally created
as an undergarment specifically designed for
bicycle jockeys The term jockstrap is sort and
version of bicycle jockey strap It featured a
snug elastic waistband to support a pouch held
so it was basically just supposed to hold your
junk And then care about the ass whole fabric
too expensive the whole ass just stick it up
I guess Yeah, I guess fabric was expensive back
then. So maybe it makes sense, but like was it
why they continue to do that? Then why would
you runners and gymnasts begin using them for
general comfort to prevent strain during high
impact? Okay, I guess the fabric would make you
sweat and shave. Why was there no ass on them?
The poor person at Fruit of the Loom chats like,
I'm sorry, sir, I can't process your anger. There
was no cornucopia. I don't know what to tell
you, sir. We see the Fruit of the Loom, please
show up at Jay's apartment, like break through
his window. It's the guys that are wearing the
hard costumes. Get him! Basically, it's because
we didn't have moisture wicking technology back
then, and so this added better temperature regulation.
All we had was potato sacks. Because otherwise,
a full seat garment would be made of of heavy
cotton or wool and become swampy, sweat -soaked
mess. That makes sense for us. I think you would
get swamp -ass. And then the other was the freedom
of movement, because all that fabric would bunch
up, shave, or slip down. That's a gay reason
if I've ever heard one. Some nanny boy back then
was like, ooh, that's why the ass is out. It's
a little too warm back there. We want to see
your gams. This is my other one, my favorite.
Ease of layering. Because they were just a support
tool, adding a full seat would have created double
layers of fabric on the rear, leading to uncomfortable
bulk and restricted movement. I want that double
layer. Some of us don't need that. We're already
double -cheeked up. I want that extra layer to
catch the sweat before the next layer gets added.
Oh, you meant for... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, for swamp our ass. It's like, huh? Yeah,
not for patting my ass, no. So, the theory is
Jay needs the layer to catch the swamp ass that's
gonna happen because of the fabric in the first
place. Because the swamp ass is inevitable. Back
then, yeah, I would have voted for no ass in
my... underwear hey boys look at me no ass okay
hank hill oh god well we learned something today
and that was exciting we did learn something
today i don't know if it was exciting but we
learned something today we did learn something
today that that did happen too much swamp ass
got it all right is there anything else Rugby,
I would do rugby. Honestly rugby, I think about
it frequently. Those shorts. The shorts, or the
main thing for me it's the shorts, but like also
like the whole outfit, the way it's like very
football adjacent and just big burly men tackling
each other like, oh man, like yes, yes, yes.
All the on the lips kissing that happens. I am
not a baseball fan. Okay, unless I'm going to
a game and, uh, like I used to have friends that
had a suite that they could never get people
to go to, so I'd get to go. And then, like, I'm
getting a server that brings me beers a lot,
and I'm like, yes, this is my life. Love baseball.
Because I'm shaded, getting unlimited beer, and
just, yeah, it lasts three hours. Otherwise,
baseball's fucking boring. It's so boring. Now,
here's what would be different if... I got to
be on like a gay baseball league where we're
all wearing the tight pants and it's being fun.
That's okay because there's not that much running
in baseball. You do a couple sprints if you hit
the ball well. Hope you make it to. One, two,
three, four sprints. Sorry, I forgot how many
sides were in a diamond. On a square? Yeah, a
square. You forgot how many sides were in a baseball
diamond? Well, yeah, just leave me alone. So
all I have to do is sprint. Can you take a picture
of a baseball diamond today? And I have to swing
a bat, and if I don't make it, then I just get
to sit and drink water and eat. That is the gay
leave. Sorry. I'm just imagining now like the
gays and eating their sunflower seeds and he's
like, spit on me. It's just like shells all over
the place. And there's spittoons. Spittoon. Spittoon.
Are there any gay softball leagues down there,
Jake? Because there's a couple up here in Tulsa.
Surely. You think I'm actually going to do that?
Yeah, but don't call me that. And don't call
me Shirley. If you can just do one sprint. I
guess I see, Jay, you drink one mango high noon,
you get out there, you get three strikes, and
you're right back to the bench. I guess I could
do kickball, because I don't have to swing. I
thought about it. There is a league here in Tulsa,
but they moved from Wednesday evenings to Sunday
afternoons, and I have to work, so I couldn't
do it. I just don't want to add anything else
to my schedule. I'm already busy enough. Fuck
off. My problem is, is I want to do it for fun,
and I don't want to do it for, like, true competition.
And so, like, some people get real competitive,
and then all of a sudden we start having finals
in these leagues, and I'm just like, no. No,
you're not getting me that committed. No. Yeah,
I've got a friend who he does softball all this.
I mean, all the time. I don't know how many seasons
play. He plays softball and I'm pretty sure it's
all of them. But every time we invite him over
on the weekend, he's like, yeah, I can be over
after this time. He's got softball. I'm like,
how do you have softball every weekend? I mean,
one of my coworkers, she and her wife are always
doing volleyball. And apparently right now they've
been pressured into two different leagues. And
she's like, so we do it at least two nights a
week. And I'm like, Jesus, that's good exercise.
Joe's schedule is busy to me for a weeknight.
Like he does. We do this one night a week and
then he does choir one night a week and then
he does Tulsa wins one night a week. So he's
got three nights a week where he's doing things.
Wednesday would have been kickball if it was
still a thing like. This is always our one scheduled
thing in the week for me, but somehow my weeks
always end up being busy for the most part. And
I'll start the week and be like, it's gonna be
so quiet. And then every day I'm booked by like
Tuesday. And I don't know how I always feel like
my weeks are whenever we are, especially if we're
busy, like every night. I'm just like man like
how do adults manage this especially people with
kids and I'll explain like well It's like to
somebody and they're like, why are you doing
all that? I'm like How do you not? Yeah, like
I have to be social I can't just sit in my house
all day like I have to be healthy social stabbing
No, I won't you you can stay home as much as
you want help me No, he's fine! Leave him alone!
Go to commercial, now! Now! I'm blinking twice.
Which eye? Haha. I don't know. I'm winking once.
I'll turn that brown eye blue. I heard his brown
eye. Or John Ryan. And on that note... Jesus
Christ. And now, for a word from our sponsor,
Jay's Three -Sided Baseball Diamond. And now,
this week's Universal News! Easter, April 5th,
2026. A world in motion, and boy is it moving
fast. With the strain of hamoos locked tighter
than a drum, and the conflict in Iran reaching
a fever pitch. The price of high -ontane gasoline
has soared past $4 a gallon. National averages
are skyrocketing, and your wallet is feeling
the pinch of a global upheaval. But while the
world burns, one man is looking at the diamond
and saying, enough! Jay is taking a stand against
excess with exhaustive news being thrown in our
face Why are we still wasting precious energy
running to four different bases? It's a geometric
catastrophe in a world of surging crude and high
-interest USDA farm loans. We simply cannot afford
the square He's introducing the three -sided
diamond by rationing the infield. We're cutting
down on game time and saving a few bucks at the
beer stand so fans are never passed out drunk
by the 7th inning stretch. Save your fuel, save
your bucks, save your liver! Support the three
-sided diamond! Tune in next week for your update
on Universal News. You know what the key difference
is about Jay's three -sided baseball diamond?
Instead of bases, they're just cocktail stations.
They get progressively more boozy. It's kind
of like one of those beer runs. It's a little
like that. Except it's martinis. You start with
a high noon, and then in second base, you're
getting a French 75, and then by the time you're
hitting home, it's vodka rocks. I'm thinking
like what the banners are probably around the
stadium, like how the ads are. One of them is
probably Sunglass Hut. Another one is probably
Crumble. Another one is Sonic. Another one's
probably some random CPAP manufacturer. Every
base he has to turn down a deal at Sunglass Hut
to make it to the next base. He always freaks
out. I'm running with my martini. I'm like, God
damn it, that was such a good pair of sunglasses.
They were only $460. Originally $495, such a
deal! Oddly enough, there's no pitching in this.
Only pitching. It's a different pitching. Jay's
the only pitcher. The rest of the team is the
catchers. But there are no doubles, only singles,
because of his one nut, one nut. You know what,
I'm moving on to user content. Wait, one more,
one more. Jay does a split and they have to call
it a single ball what they call say ball and
he goes hey you worked your way up to that you
got i did yeah i kind of jumbled around a little
bit joe will you just take a picture but jay
do we have any particular torsion they call it
a curve ball oh no that's that's not what's curved
anyways we heard from Derrick with the good beard.
That does remind me of how the media board was
messing up last week. I completely forgot about
it until I was editing and I kept trying to click
the intro and go da da da da da da da. And I
cracked up so much whenever I was editing there.
Anyways, Derrick just sent this at 5 PM. He said,
hey beard hose, I'm glad to hear that your troubles
are behind you. Although this was about 20 years
ago, I remember my worst week ever quote unquote.
A hail storm caused $8 ,000 worth of damage on
my brand new Acura that I'd purchased 24 hours
before. The same hail storm required me to get
a new roof. And in the middle of all this, I
cracked a tooth on an Altoid and had to get a
root canal and a crown. What kind of Acura? I'm
2006 Acura and you know, what's funny is that's
when the Acura TL came out and that's the quintessential
Acura sedan that I always think about I Think
so sad they don't make those anymore. Yeah, they
can turn around in a small state Terrible turning
radius. We had a friend who had one and it was
always like a 27 point turn. Yeah Well, then
so like was it a TL it was probably a TL MDX
because the MDX was super new back then it was
a Miata I will say my MBX does not have the turn
radius that my Highlander did. My Highlander
was fantastic. Anyways, he said continues with
taking a week off to regroup and recharge was
obviously needed. You can't take care of your
Beardos if you aren't taking care of yourself.
How the hell you gonna love somebody? Anyways,
I also... RuPaul, don't sue. I also laughed out
loud at Jay when he suggested his new Regi accessory
should be a convertible. I did laugh at that
too. This is the most Jay thing ever. Oh my god,
I do sound really bougie. Sound? Wow. Finally
getting outside of yourself and getting a little
introspection done. Second only to mispronouncing
words. Also think the chosen vehicle should be
a PT Cruiser convertible. Yes! Now that is the
most un -Bougie version of this and I am all
for it. Wood trim. Please. If you want to go
uber inexpensive, you go made a convertible too.
oh god they did oh god that sounds amazing wait
is that a german joke because it was uber inexpensive
for a yugo i don't know those were from yugoslavia
yeah that makes sense here's a dime kill peshy
thanks sorry everybody sorry sorry carbritos
sorry alex uh he finishes with thanks for bringing
joy to all eight of your loyal listeners you
guys are pretty much like family now so please
make sure you take care of yourselves derrick
with a good beard ps release the christmas album
it's a hoax it's a hoax whoever told you it exists
whoever told you it exists it's not real we're
moving on and then i and then i stepped away
from him because i started to realize i i'm trying
to remember what he said about epstein Then I
buried every single one of those songs on the
back night of my Mar -a -Lago golf course. You'll
notice that there was 94 people carrying the
casket because it was not that heavy, I don't
know why. Anyways. Alright, the next one is yours,
Anthony. Oh, I really should have read emails
before this happened, but I was busy. Hang on.
I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so excited!
I love how that was the drug addiction episode.
I was obsessed with that episode. That's all
that they can get away with putting on TV. Well
this next, this next entry comes from... Tammy
Shaw? No! That's upsetting. Okay. We heard from
Tammy Shaw, and it reads, Transmission. Signal
integrity. Unstable. Player 1. Player 2. Player
3. You've noticed it now, haven't you? The interruptions.
The delays. The missing episode. You call it
coincidence. You shouldn't. It said static there,
so I get it. Jay, a quiet trip to the mountains.
Colorado, clean air, new company. A guy you're
dating. I didn't believe it either. A soft launch
in a high -altitude zone. And yet, the lights
flicker. Power fails. Once. Twice. Again. You
check the breakers. Blamed the grid. Oh my god,
we actually did check the breakers. I was like
wouldn't that be embarrassing if it's just like
the breaker flipped? Faint distortion. I don't
know what that sound is probably another But
power outages are not always electrical Sometimes
they're environmental adjustments Moments where
the system reminds you you are not outside the
map Anthony you disappeared for a cycle no episode
No input. A status condition applied. Sickness.
Active. You called it COVID, so did my doctor.
Fatigue. Silence. Isolation. A forced pause.
Even the most talkative characters can be removed
from play, temporarily. The game continues, with
or without you. Joe. Technical difficulties,
of course. Audio issues, timing errors, equipment
not cooperating. You troubleshoot, restart, reconnect.
Audio skips here. But what if the problem isn't
the hardware? What if the signal itself is being
interfered with? Three players, three disruptions,
power, health, connection, all in a single cycle.
And still, you hesitate to acknowledge the pattern.
The system is adjusting. Balance must be maintained.
The season approaches its final phase. The world
grows less stable. Not broken. Never broken.
Just rewritten. Small inconsistencies first.
Missed uploads. Flickering lights. Voices cutting
in and out. Soon. Objectives will change. Rules
will no longer apply. You are not being punished.
I'm really trying hard to stay true to the text
of this now. Bear with me. You are not being
punished. You are being prepared. The final levels
are not about endurance. They are about understanding.
And you are so close to seeing it. System note.
Player awareness. increasing identity still unlockable
five levels remain signal degrading autosave
unavailable no evolution appreciates your service
then we got another image and hey you're the
bald one i'm the bald one honestly hell yeah
i like myself i look pretty cute Also, like that
my headphones go through my cowboy hat I look
like I'm back working you would like a look in
look at me Like what game I'm not ugly as this
person, but this does not look like me This is
like a PlayStation offshoot because of the little
lights on the back of the controllers I'm just
really focused on The top left where it has the
crumble the crumble. Yeah the crumble and it
looks like Yeah, who's fuck I'm blanking who's
the it looks like Jeff Bezos on the right side,
but then not him on the left side It kind of
looks like the mad TV guy for like the mad magazine
guy in a way without the hair It's it was just
a picture of a person who is like aged up on
one side and not the other also in the background
Her hands are on her own shoulders Well, I don't
know I thought she was like bent over looking
at us I I look at this and you know what? 2005
GameStop marketing team would have eaten this
up Hell yeah. That is true. Oh, they would love
this. Like if you put this on like, if these
were like the three top level executives and
they played this as like the cover thing for
like their PowerPoint at the national convention,
they would all lose their minds. I'm just stoked
that I'm not the bald one. Fuck off. Yay. I'm
also, I look at things like this, how AI has
gotten to this level and like, man. How many
old people you think are gonna get like just
completely bamboozled within the next couple?
Like the ones on Facebook that I no longer have
to endure Oh, she loves her country. She's saluting
in front of a Humvee with 20 bald eagles. That's
definitely a real picture America well, and now
I think scammers are like using like AI people
so if you're watching a video of them or something
like that I Saw that you're supposed to request
to raise three fingers in front of your face
Because for some reason AI can't handle that
Yet. Yet. Why am I watching somebody do anything
like that anyway? That's where I'm confused.
Online culture is so weird. I think the only
thing I can think of is the, well, one of the
things I can think of would be like job interviews.
I guess maybe. I would think of that or I don't
know. There's other instances of things that
we're not involved in that I assume video calls
with that could be a scammer. would work out.
Yeah, but the one I was watching, I can always
tell by their mouth because it just doesn't.
It's just not quite exactly what I think it should
be doing. I don't know. I have this one deep
fake of Pedro Pascall getting. pounded in the
ass, and it's pretty good. It's it's pretty convincing.
Pretty good. Speaking of that, how about Crumble
Corner? You know, it's not AI Slop. You know,
it's not a system administrator. Let me know
if I read things good. The pictures probably
are. Oh, my God. Sorry, I cannot wait for you
to read the first one. Oh, wait. All right. So
oh, sorry, the second one I'm wet for already.
What? They're really going out of their way with
this. Holy shit, you're right. Okay, so let's
start this week's flavors, this week only, the
Dubai Nest Dirt Cake Cup. They really can't get
rid of that stuff, can they? They're trying so
hard. God damn it, we're gonna have to make an
entire cup to just burn through this shit. It
really is. I mean, yeah, and they even put gummy
worms in there, and all I really want is the
gummy worm. Can you imagine how to build this
thing? Layers of silky chocolate mousse, crunchy
cookies, and cream streusel, and gummy worms
topped with Dubai chocolate, inspired pistachio
cream, crisp katafi, and chocolatey candy eggs.
Please read that last line. Please read that.
Image has been food -styled for visual display
only. I'm gonna walk in and be like, what do
you mean I gotta cut my cup? Do you think it's
just like all smashed in there and it doesn't
matter what I know they're just oh, yeah Have
you seen the people who work at crumble? They
do not give a shit The first review is probably
my favorite that we've read yet. It's from someone
named P and it says Busted a nut I didn't nut
but they spelled it and UH busted a nut. Well,
they probably couldn't probably couldn't post
they probably couldn't say nut And then Ashley
R. says, Jay, the second one. Oh, god, the second
one is making me wet. Jeannie B. about this Dubai
nest dirt cake cup says, so good. It's one of
those things you don't make at home often. Speak
for yourself, which makes this extra special
and festive. Each layer is so delicious. Who
is making Dubai -style dirt cups at home? Nest
dirt cups. Well, not me. I don't have I don't
have 12 pallets of Dubai ingredients sitting
in my warehouse getting expired All right. So
the next one is the strawberries and cream prolapse
cookie. It looks good as hell though Jay's seen
plenty of these probably So this is how do you
see any of these? Oh damn So this is a vanilla
cake cookie with fresh house -made whipped cream
strawberry jam and strawberry slices It looks
really pretty it looks so you'd have to be able
to prolapse in anus Christina W says, tastes
like strawberry shortcake! Joe, hold on, hold
on, hold on. We're not, we're not, we're not
gonna just, you shut the fuck up. I have to talk
to Anthony right now. Fuck is wrong with you,
bitch. You think you can just prolapse whatever
you want. That's you. How many people are you
ripping out their ass with? Come on. Give me
a number, bitch. At least a couple. That sounds
like a them problem. It's not sounds like something
you did. You stop keeping track after three or
four. Jesus fuck. My review says I did not listen
to nah on that. Slow realization on Jay's part.
Tabitha s says best Oh, I am crying. Holy shit.
Hey Finally at least I can make you yeah, I may
not It was J and it was not a fucking sheer delight
It was from talking about assholes falling out
Next up This is the carrot cake which I can just
tell already by looking at this they had too
much carrot cake left over This is two layers
of carrot cake mixed with warm spices coconut
pineapple and carrots complete with a light glaze
and vanilla cream cheese frosting and topped
with chopped pecans Hell, yes, I would eat this
too. It looks good This looks like something
we'd have to split for sure Shane who I assume
is her long -suffering boyfriend said this bit
heavy Do we think it's time to make some lists?
Wait, hang on. Don't we have a boss fight? Or
are we going to have a boss battle? It sounds
like you guys just had a boss fight during Crumble
Corner, but who do we think the boss battle is?
The fourth base at Jay's Baseball Diamond? Yeah,
why show up? I just keep looking at Jay's face
and he looks so mad. Oh, it's now because I'm
focusing again? It's also like tongue movements
where you're just like, it looks like you are
just on the edge of saying something, but you're
just not quite sure what to say. Pretty much.
How about the boss this week is Jay's timeless
parentheses boring style. What? Where? What style?
My outfits? I don't know. I felt the need to
be mean one more time. I promise that'll be the
last one. Okay. I promise I'll never be mean
again. For this episode, you know, we do this
once a week. But do you guys think it's game
time? So we're defeating J -Style with fully
-priced sunglasses at Sunglass Hut. No! No! You
can't do that to me. Ah, there we go. That's
a shame. But do you guys think it's time for
a game? Yay! Yay! And Jay has this week's game,
I've been told. We're just doing a list, right?
Wait, didn't you say you had something for this?
Oh yeah, I was just saying I have a list of things
that... They're basically activities that straight
men do. And we're going to basically like express
what it really This will probably be easier than
you think yeah Okay, so I think I'm gonna call
it What's it really mean? So I literally just
like pulled up a random list of shit literally
I looked at chat GPT and I was like give me some
things that straight men do That seemed really
gay and then we can justify what it really is
So the first one was Brazilian jujitsu and I
love that she wrote BJJ and What well there you
go and the ploy of it was I'm just learning self
defense. But the reality of it is, what do we
think? Welcome into my welcome into my asshole.
My jujitsu is a lot of grabs and a lot of time.
And my thing was basically we get to pay a monthly
subscription to wear cute matching pajamas and
snuggle very aggressively. And having been in
martial arts at certain points in my life, I
can verify that you do wear a jockstrap. No ass.
And think about how many times a man's thighs
get to be wrapped around you. And that gi is
only held on by that belt. I like to think about
that. I love to think about that. I love to lick
a lemon lollipop with Lilyhammer. Lollipop and
Lilyhammer. I just have to grab my bro's crotch
to put him down on my hold during my jiu -jitsu
Brazilian style like the wax, right? So I thought
you were gonna say Brazilian waxes. I was like,
that's it So that's what Brazilian jiu -jitsu
really is The next one I put bodybuilding competitions,
which the ploy of it was I'm showcasing my peak
physical form What do we think? I think I hate
my testicles and want them to go away forever
while also getting really tan Honestly anybody
who works out will tell you they really want
to see everybody else's body I mean that that's
just it man like this is the simple gayest thing
like they just want to be looked at and look
at people For me, it's I get the opportunity
to stand in front of people in a silky g -string
and cover myself in bronze glitter Yeah, but
you do that already And they kick you out of
Chili's. Yeah, that's why I call myself a bodybuilder.
You're building something. And I'm like, but
I'm a bodybuilder. And I'm building with the
trio. They're like, sir, this is the Lego store.
Please, please get out. Oh my god. He's just
back there with the Southwest Egg Rolls making
a tower. Even the Lego store scaring all the
children. They say to eat and I'm just getting
real weird. That's called being a gamer sir,
not a bodybuilder. I'm building something on
my body. That sells. I said I wouldn't be mean
the rest of this episode. That's right. You you
did that to yourself, bitch. Oh And then we did
talk about this earlier but number three frat
house and hazings the ploy is we're building
brotherhood and character We're building butt
sex you want to see everybody's bodies. Yeah,
the reality is We're going to bully the weakest
guy and literally sexually assault him because
correct. It's the only way we can do it and nobody
will talk about it. I'm going to take out all
my gay feelings on this one unsuspecting person.
I'm going to take out all my gay feelings and
all my self shame. On this one weaker person,
that's just that's just grinder. Oh, OK, well.
Hold on. I'm kidding. Number four, right. Number
four, professional wrestling. This is like bodybuilding
to me. This is the same thing. I love the ploy
that it wrote down. It's a high octane soap opera
for men. What is our reality for it? Okay. So
I'm stealing this from someone on dropout .tv.
But professional wrestling is drag. Oh, that's
not a bad thought. I mean, because they love
to dress up in weird outfits. It is 100 % drag.
There is all the drama. There is all the sort
of reality TV driven things. Everybody shows
up as a persona. And they're basically performing
a choreographed gymnastic. You think you think
that Mick Foley co shows up as mankind and that's
not drag Do you think that whatever the undertaker's
real name is shows up as the undertaker and he's
not being dragged up I mean, come on. Look at
this guy. This is dry this man this man Joe Henry
is currently like an Obsession in the community
and he's a pro wrestler and man. He is fine 17
eyes. Are you sharing your screen right now?
Is that what's happening? Do I have to? Yes,
Ric Flair. Jesus Christ. You tell me this isn't
fucking drag. Look at this. Look at the pink
and purple one. He's like a bodybuilder Liberace.
This literally looks like ABBA in the 70s. I
mean, that's not even the pink and purple one.
The pink and purple one. Look at that shit. This
is drag. These people are doing drag. Yep. My
this is straight drag my dental hygienist that
I was friends with she put me in her phone is
Rick flair and I'm like you Okay Do you say it
when you get a chair? I haven't seen her in forever
and I miss her so much. I wish she would listen
to the show and hear that What do you got dirty
-ass teeth? Not anymore That means clean -ass
teeth Number five. Oh, we also talked about this,
the slap ass culture, which the ploy just means
good hustle, bro. I'm real proud of you. What
does it really mean? I want to touch your ass,
bro. Yeah, because you can just say those words
without the ass slap. It's also kind of that
risky thing where it's like, I want to be a little
bit gay with you in public, but this is the way
I can like get by with it. And people won't be
like, people won't be like. Whoa, how gay! They're
just like, look at that guy supporting his teammate
by just grabbing his ass. Except me. I'm the
guy who's like, whoa, that's gay! Yeah. Me, I'm
like, you're touching his butt. You're touching
every guy's butt. I think you have a problem.
That's a little gay. I'm just jealous. A little
bit of a gay vibe, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not
sure how much I really agree with this one, but
I'll go along with it because it listed it. Military
barracks life. The ploy were just disciplined
fighting force. What do you think, Anthony? I
never got to experience any gay sex in the military.
I really wish I had, honestly. I've got some
films I can recommend. Yeah, but it's not the
same. Backdoor Sluts 9! No, literally, literally
there's one called Deeper in the Brig. There's
a scene I think I've talked about it before but
there's a scene where this actor his name is
Brock something he comes in and he goes Which
which sailor has the warmest hole and they all
pointed this guy that's getting like slammed
by everybody and he goes Don't worry seaman.
I'll be gentle at first and then he just rails
him It's true cinema It's what we call cinema
verity I always think of Family Guy whenever
Quagmire's finding out about his dad. Like they're
at the military ball, and he's like, your dad's
the man you want in your hole. And they're all
very gay, sexually innuendos. Very airplane humor.
Yeah, pretty much. This one I would say, all
these guys were like, I just want to be in a
close -knit area where we can all be nude together
but also I can technically justify it because
like how on earth are we going to have thousands
and thousands of men in their own private little
rooms I just don't like I guess I must and I
know it was happening in different spaces like
I know it was in retrospect but like but you
were talking about because don't ask don't tell
I yeah I was a little concerned for my own safety
honestly because there were people who were very
vocally like Yeah, but those shared showers.
That's pretty cool. That's Pretty cool, bro.
That's pretty cool Number seven golf trips also
known as boys weekend deploy. I need to work
on my swing for me I just need an excuse to get
the fuck away from my wife and Be with men club
some balls with my boy. Yeah You're the one who
had the railing of the golf cart up your ass
And that was on a weekday. His robust hole wouldn't
let it in. That was on a weekday. I was single
at the time, too. Talk about bone shaking, like
those velocipedes. My god. That was a funny day,
but I also have PTSD from just squeezing my ass
cheeks around that bar. That's what I've heard.
And how was the golf trip? Oh, fine, also. Boys'
time's great. So this is kind of the... I put
this in the same realm as like a hunting weekend
where it's like they go off to... I think a hunting
weekend or like kind of like brokeback mountain
that kind of idea is more gay than a golf trip
because golf trip is more like They're just getting
away from their wives for maybe a weekend. It's
it's less gay than I think a hunting Yeah, but
they'll give you that's how I have it in my mind
a little bit off the course Oh, no, my ball went
into the rough. Oh, we got to go about there
and get it seen I think golfing is gayer than
hunting because golfing you have to wear prettier
outfits That's true. I mean they are bright colored
hunting you have to wear bright colored stuff
In the woods you can just have sex out there.
Yeah. Yeah trail cams, too I guess it's because
I know so many hunters and I'm just like that
doesn't seem like it fits for them I know more
golfers that I'm like Well, that's what you need
that VCR head cleaner for then it will fit no
problem. Yeah And I think I said I wouldn't say
anything That's what you get for ruining everything
for yourself Number eight the sauna or steam
room and the ploy is I'm just detoxing my pores
after a workout This is so fucking gay in the
sauna slash steam room. So gay. It's just basically
a Cloudy way to hook up It was it was the original
grinder Definitely more so if it's like a nude
one with just towels. Yep, or that's the one
for a hundred percent Like just some guy in there
just fucking junk out. Yeah That's because you
want to show your junk to other people. You're
yeah, you're there for mm -hmm. Yeah, you know
what? We all know what's happening cuz I love
when they're just like I just love spreading
out in this room with other men and I'm like
you Don't actually have to expose yourself to
also do that same thing Yeah, you can keep the
towel over you literally just drape a towel over
you. You're still gonna get the same effect Mm
-hmm. Everything's getting Steve. Well, no, they're
not gonna get the same. No, you're not getting
the same showing your junk to people Number nine,
a high -stakes poker night. Deploy, it's about
strategy and gambling. And for me, I'm just like,
it's strip poker. It's strip poker. It's another
way to get nude around each other. Video gaming.
Video games too. Video game night. Strip Mario
Kart is an interesting concept that has been
a thing that's been happening. I love AI's reality.
It's also a way to stare intensely into each
other's eyes. Lastly number 10 fantasy football
deploy. I'm a statistical genius managing a roster
This one feels like straight culture to me this
one I I Lean into the fact that they are obsessing
Over specific men and so they want a collection
of men to just constantly follow Okay, you know
what? You're right. That is where I sort of like
that is where I'm going with fantasy football.
It is their dream men. It's their little harem.
Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay, I'm there. Okay. Okay.
I'm really glad. And then and then and then whenever
they don't do well, it's kind of like a breakup.
And so you kind of watch them go through like
this emotional roller coaster. They're like,
Man, he like, fucked me and I'm just like, He
was about to do that joke. Ray, fuck me. Ray,
fuck me. Oh, come on, man. Give me a yeast infection.
Anyways, yeah, so. Do you guys want to play some
fantasy football after this? No. No. I was just
going to do it with porn stars, though. I just
do it real, man. There you go. But I do think
I hear the music coming back on and I don't know
what's some super straight music Tim McGraw Creed
you shove a boot up their ass Try that in a small
town. I don't know. You know what? It's Wheeler
Walker, Jr. Take me back to God's country. Go
call our hotline real quick at 405 -999 -2242
and leave a voicemail for Jay to ignore for a
week I know the phone's dead, because it hasn't
been plugged in for days, so sorry. And Beardos,
Jay got his hand stuck in the jar of oil meant
for the Turkish oil wrestlers again, so we'd
better go. If you'd like to help us out, go and
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And don't forget to rate us 5 stars and leave
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just each one of you should send me some Turkish
oil wrestling in a video, that would be pretty
cool. Bruh, I'm gonna slap your ass right over
to our socials. So you can do a good job at checking
them out. Hold on. I'm winding up. For the hint.
Like Brenda. Oh, yeah. And then I want you to
hop over to our website, where you can find the
new three -sided ball diamond. And go to Beards
and Sundries. Jay's is one -sided. Wow, bro.
And lastly, email us at beardsandsundries at
gmail .com so I might read it out on the show,
if I read it. I'm getting forgetful these days.
Well, Beardos, don't forget to check your Easter
baskets for Jay's other ball this happy Easter
Sunday. Oh my god, yes! Jay's a couple legs short.
But from the three of us deaf homo shop quirks
here at the Beards and Sundries Market, make
sure to... Love yourself, bro! Because we already
loved you while you were passed out last night.
Bye, Beardos! Jay, I say this with all the love
in the world. You know I love you so much. What
the fuck's wrong with your nose?