1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,400 Radio Verté presents A Hooga by Corey Zimmerman. 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:26,400 Misery Guts Act 3 3 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:46,160 On the curb before Frank Wright and Brothers News Dealer, a newsboy in a newsboy cab waiting 4 00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:51,440 for the town to buzz to life, carries the day's headline on the tip of his tongue. 5 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,360 Ford's Promise of Tomorrow. 6 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:58,060 One millionth Tin Lizzie rolls off assembly line. 7 00:00:58,060 --> 00:00:59,520 The Public Square. 8 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:04,640 Burrowed buildings of limestone block, red brick, candy-striped awnings, all-American 9 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:08,440 storefronts at the heart of an all-American town. 10 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:13,180 At the crest of each façade, etched in granite, the name of the character each structure is 11 00:01:13,180 --> 00:01:14,880 intended to portray. 12 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:15,880 H.H. 13 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:16,880 Orndorf. 14 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:17,880 Randolph. 15 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:18,880 Churchill. 16 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:19,880 Emerson. 17 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:20,880 Hanlon. 18 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:29,200 And above all, upon a yellow water tower in the distance, in bold white letters, Canton. 19 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,680 1825. 20 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:36,920 Settler Isaac Swan, believing his new town to be the antipod to Canton, China, names 21 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:50,720 it rightly so. 22 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:51,720 Jones Park. 23 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:57,560 An oval oasis of maple and poplar trees sitting snug in the arms of the town square, where 24 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,080 a brick pathway runs down its center. 25 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:04,840 Circling about a Liberty Pole, the path approaches an octagonal bandstand, where early rising 26 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:10,280 folk sit cross-legged, deep in shallow conversation, drawing a fine line between one thing and 27 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,480 another in the twilight of their lives. 28 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:17,800 And if one were to spin around on their heels and look directly south from its steps, they'd 29 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:29,480 spot that newsboy in the newsboy cap, waiting for the town to buzz to life. 30 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:33,880 The stray fleas with its tail between its legs, as the most popular horseless carriage 31 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:38,120 in America, the Ford Model T, putters east down Elm. 32 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:42,720 In just past Holly's flower shop, it takes a left at the beer house, where a man in a 33 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:44,440 top hat advertises, 34 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:51,400 Budweiser is a friend of mine, as a lone drunkard washes his face in a water trough. 35 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:55,720 Rumbling and bobbling over the brickwork, the Ford heads north up East Side Square, 36 00:02:55,720 --> 00:03:01,040 for Messers, Day Brothers & Co., Kimball's Hardware, Shatsky & Schlark Clothers, Miss 37 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:04,440 Willard Milliney's Dress Shop, and the Opera House. 38 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:09,660 Having not seen a Broadway show come through in some years, a poster in the window displays 39 00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:17,080 the world's greatest photo player, Charlie Chaplin, Six Cents. 40 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:22,280 Taking a left on Chestnut, the Tin Lizzy heads west, passing Wylsted Meat Market and Anderson's 41 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:26,960 Grocer, as Anderson the Grocer sweeps the dusty sidewalk before his elaborate window 42 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:32,720 display, as a streetcar jangles south on its track, past Mason's, Campbell's, Durham 43 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:38,560 Tobacco, the Bean Dean Company, and just across Elm, where the trolley comes to a brief stop. 44 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:43,600 The pillar of the community, the First National Bank. 45 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:47,960 The corner building stands stern and proud, its face aimed directly for the park from 46 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:52,720 a 45-degree angle, sure to keep the business district in its periphery. 47 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:58,320 The ledges of its second-story windows, grumpy brows, shading downward peering eyes, scrowling 48 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,440 down its nose upon the humble townsfolk. 49 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:20,160 The Bank, always on guard, protecting its paper heart behind 10-gauge steel. 50 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:39,360 A brand new 1915 Page Fleetwood zooms up Elm Street and skids to a stop out front. 51 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:44,840 The luxurious roomy five-seater, four-door touring body in Rochelleau Blue, straw-colored 52 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:50,160 wheels and nickel trimmings is a sight to be seen. 53 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:58,360 Mr. Olsen steps out in a bowler hat and shuts the door with velvet gloves, so to speak. 54 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:05,760 Meanwhile, the Bank's guard, armed with a.45 caliber revolver on his side, strolls 55 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:10,000 up with a holler, woo-wee, and a long but quick country drawl. 56 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:15,040 Was wondering how you'd darn near beat me this morning, Mr. Olsen? 57 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,680 Good morning, Edward," says Mr. Olsen, keys jangling. 58 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:21,160 Yes, the Fleetwood is second to none, had her brought down from Chicago this weekend. 59 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:26,800 Edward, tall and lanky, with bushy sideburns, rolling on his heels, hands in his pockets, 60 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:31,760 elbows locked, field tanned, dusty old top hat inherited from his paw, adding a good 61 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:37,760 foot of fortune to his 6'6", clicks his cheek, and clicks his heels with a, well, 62 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:43,040 yep, says Mr. Olsen, and, uh, guess we oughta. 63 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:49,160 Inside, they toss their hats, and Mr. Olsen locks the door behind them, readying the drawers 64 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:53,640 before a steady stream of check cashers, steady trickling come Friday when it's all pissed 65 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,320 away at the beer house. 66 00:05:55,320 --> 00:06:00,320 Mr. Olsen makes his way to the vault and spins the dial, electric chandeliers buzz, dull 67 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:06,000 yellow hue slow to chase away any lingering ghosts, and Edward takes his station by the 68 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,000 door. 69 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,760 How's best? 70 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:09,760 Asks Mr. Olsen. 71 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:14,760 Ankle's doing fine, says Edward, hopping out of position to open the heavy drapes, allowing 72 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,720 brilliant blue light to flood in. 73 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,700 Mr. Olsen pulls open the vault door and walks in. 74 00:06:19,700 --> 00:06:30,800 Edward continues in a half shout, raising his wobbly chin to note, up and walking again. 75 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:35,600 Now there's no doubting amongst no one, Edward is a people person, to say the very least. 76 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:41,280 Still, city life suits Edward as awkwardly as his trousers hang on his hips, starched, 77 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:43,520 rising high tied to the ankle. 78 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:48,120 Edward is a good guard, assuming so to say the least, seeing his job has chiefly amounted 79 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:51,640 to that of doorman, fingers crossed. 80 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:56,760 You see, not long after moving to town, Edward got his footing as a clerk at Anderson's Grocer, 81 00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,920 quick to show off his skills, adding and subtracting on his fingers. 82 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:06,040 Edward is a farm boy at heart and heart, specializing in muck, dirt, and animal deitris, but has 83 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:12,000 a mastery of cornfield math, a particular gift inherited from his pop, or so he claims. 84 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:16,240 But when that darn number clunker, as he calls it, showed up on the counter at Anderson's 85 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:20,960 one day, its keys confounding his knuckle joints, not to speak of his thinker, as his 86 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:26,680 ticker sped up, his mouth dried and bittered with the taste of panic, he came to the realization 87 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:32,080 that his finger counting services were numbered. 88 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:36,920 So it came time for the greenhorn slicker to move along and find employment elsewhere, 89 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:42,520 and what better place than the House of Numbers, the first national bank. 90 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:46,120 Edward counts nine times out of ten, rushing off his darn feet. 91 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:50,960 He darn beats Mr. Olsen to the door each morning, but today by God, he's determined it's a 92 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,200 country drawl. 93 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:57,560 Refusing to clutch his tenth finger in his fist, it curls into a stubborn hook. 94 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:02,480 Sure Edward is favored enough, and rightly so, as he adds and subtracts each customer 95 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:07,520 as they come and go, remembering each patron counting the letters in their names, and greeting 96 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:11,440 them so by number rather than name, and so on. 97 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:16,280 Nonetheless, it is essential to note that Edward's wife, Bess, is somewhat of a local 98 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:21,280 celebritant herself, known for her award-winning meatloaf. 99 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:26,280 A good couple years before Edward and Bess moved off the farm, Bess inherited a meatloaf 100 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,720 recipe from her great-aunt Louisa. 101 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:32,360 Rather, she found it in a music box after she croaked. 102 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:37,640 You see, Louisa suffered from rheumatoid arthritis, a godforsaken disease attacking the joints 103 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:38,640 in a hellish manner. 104 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:43,840 And to make things worse, the nightmare condition produced sweat-drenched dreams of being maimed 105 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:44,840 and killed. 106 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:49,440 And night after night, Aunt Louisa was said to be slaughtered by a stranger with an 8-inch 107 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:55,120 cane knife, unless she helped herself to a hefty serving of her special meatloaf before 108 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,120 bed. 109 00:08:56,120 --> 00:09:00,420 And upon discovering the recipe in the music box, Bess baked herself up a steaming batch 110 00:09:00,420 --> 00:09:03,640 before Louisa was even cold in the ground. 111 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:08,040 That's the day Edward got his feet wet as a taste tester, and that batch of meatloaf, 112 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:11,840 well, it right out knocked his size 13s right out from under him. 113 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:16,080 And Edward spent the afternoon lying about the prairie grass, babbling on about leprechauns 114 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:32,520 and such, and he's never been the same since. 115 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:36,440 It wasn't but one year into taste testing when Edward caught word of a steamy meatloaf 116 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:39,440 competition down south at the Illinois State Fair. 117 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:43,640 And after a good nudging, he convinced Bess to throw together some bacon, red and yellow 118 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:50,240 peppers, garlic powder, thyme, parsley, some taters, sourdough breadcrumbs, saltine crackers, 119 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:55,880 grated cheese, Worcestershire sauce, which he cannot pronounce, a cup of ketchup, at 120 00:09:55,880 --> 00:10:01,660 least one egg, and a dash of salt and pepper, using only 75-25 ground beef, and cooking 121 00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:17,380 it up precisely according to Aunt Louisa's recipe to the tea, secret ingredient in all. 122 00:10:17,380 --> 00:10:21,320 The judges put on their bibs, loosened their trousers, and went to town on those thick 123 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:25,240 slices of meat leaning against generous heapings of mashed potatoes. 124 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:30,200 The results ranged from too moist to too dry, and from too heavily seasoned to too bland 125 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,160 on the opposite end of the meatloaf specter. 126 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:37,640 Some loaves were thick with topping, while others had little to no topping at all. 127 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:44,920 Downright ludicrous, if you ask Bess. 128 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:49,880 Overall it was a good selection of various meatloaf styles, resulting in plates lit clean 129 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:54,660 and happy swollen guts before the judges shared comments with unexplainable laughter that 130 00:10:54,660 --> 00:10:59,040 kicked one back in his chair and carefully made notes on score sheets ranging from one 131 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:03,920 wrong to five right, and they were quickly unanimous in their votes. 132 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:11,400 Auntie's meatloaf was to take home the top prize. 133 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:15,920 My Auntie Louisa always made it when we were younger, Bess told to Canton Register, and 134 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:20,320 when my husband Edward proposed I enter, when we learned of the contest and all, well, I 135 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:24,640 was a bit hesitant to be honest, and if it wasn't for my poor Edward spending his Saturdays 136 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,440 with a swollen gut, I wouldn't be here today. 137 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:32,920 And of course, I must thank my Aunt Louisa, when she was going through her bowel starthritis, 138 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:36,280 she said the only thing that during made her feel good was a hefty serving of meatloaf, 139 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:40,480 but now that she's done passed on, gotta bless her soul, I want her special meatloaf 140 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:47,920 to bring the same joy to others as it did to us children, a tribute to her I suppose. 141 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:53,640 The secret ingredient to Auntie's meatloaf, cannabis sativa, a rather skunky weed found 142 00:11:53,640 --> 00:12:07,560 growing in the ditch down on the farm. 143 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,200 It's too bad Bess was rushed off her feet like that. 144 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:15,320 Goddamn potholes, says Mr. Olsen, closing the vault door behind him, but leaving it 145 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:16,320 unlocked. 146 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:20,280 Hell, I'm considering paving the streets with my own damn money. 147 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:25,160 Do that and heck, Mr. Olsen, Bess might even have you over for meatloaf, says Edward, 148 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:28,520 rocking anxiously on his feet, fingers counting as they do. 149 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,120 The Lord knows I could use a good meal. 150 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,920 Roxy burnt my omelet again. 151 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:36,920 I offered to hire hell, but hell, I'm starting to think she's trying to tell me something, 152 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:37,920 Edward. 153 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:41,720 Woman, mysterious creatures, says Edward, house Friday, asks Mr. Olsen. 154 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,760 Sir, meatloaf, says Mr. Olsen, making his way to unlock the front door. 155 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:50,080 I'll have her get right to it, sir, says Edward, as a young brunette enters, cradling 156 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:55,320 a Fontana Milano handbag that matches the tone of her long neck and slender wrists. 157 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,720 You don't have to do that, Edward, I'm just joshing you. 158 00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:58,720 Good morning, Rose. 159 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:02,120 Morning, number four, says Edward, as Rose rolls her eyes. 160 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:06,480 Good morning, Mr. Olsen, you have an appointment with the mayor at nine, says Rose. 161 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:11,600 Hell, Rose, it's 8.58, says Mr. Olsen, looking at his father's gold pocket watch. 162 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,400 And here I thought you were on my good books. 163 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,400 Mr. President. 164 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:24,380 A full baritone booms from behind, and Mr. Olsen spins around on his heels in feigned 165 00:13:24,380 --> 00:13:27,600 surprise for the mayor. 166 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:33,360 The mayor, yet another short, squatty man, red in face, suit beyond his means. 167 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:38,800 He wears a larger-than-life mustache, bulbous nose, and a comb over atop a pair of round 168 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:42,980 shoulders. 169 00:13:42,980 --> 00:13:45,720 With a vigorous handshake, Mayor, nice to see you. 170 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:46,720 How's Mabel? 171 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:51,560 Oh, finer than frog hair, says the mayor, asking, and how's that darling of mine? 172 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:53,280 Burnt my almond again, I tell you. 173 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:57,960 Bo-dacious, break open that checkbook, Mr. President, and hire Roxy some help already. 174 00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:58,960 You damn flumadiddle. 175 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:04,000 Hell, I wouldn't let Mabel within ten feet of a flame. 176 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,480 Did you get a chance to read the register this morning? 177 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:07,480 Asks Mr. Olsen. 178 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,480 I did, I did. 179 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:15,860 For strong coffee, I might add. 180 00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:20,880 One long drawn-out hour later, exiting Mr. Olsen's office, beads of sweat collect on 181 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:26,040 the mayor's brow as he dabs at them with a silk handkerchief monogrammed with his initials. 182 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,360 F.U. 183 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:33,040 Frank Underwood won his seat through an extensive network of friends and family who helped him 184 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,200 commit voter fraud. 185 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:39,760 Hired as well through ill-gotten gains, has a gambling and alcohol addiction, married 186 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:45,080 Betty Snyder in 1898, with whom he has three children, two boys suffering an inherited 187 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:48,200 obesity and a daughter none too much to look her. 188 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:52,000 And hell, he's been trying to auction her off at lodge meetings to men three, four times 189 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,000 her age. 190 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:59,080 A longtime member of the Knights of Columbus, a divine hatred for Truman, and is madly in 191 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:07,720 love with Ms. Roxy Olsen. 192 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:11,320 Hogwash The icicle's gonna get an egg to the face, 193 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,920 says the mayor in a hogtail. 194 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:17,480 I told Roxy just as much this morning over eggs, says Mr. Olsen. 195 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:20,880 If I had my druthers, I'd give that scoundrel a piece of my mind. 196 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:25,520 Anyhow, say hello to Roxy for me, the mayor says, pausing to rub his chin. 197 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:30,080 Still, my wife could sure use a zing to her name, and in an off-Scottish accent, in a 198 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,360 Spanish roll of the tongue. 199 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:33,360 Roxy! 200 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,400 Coffee a bit strong this morning? 201 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,400 asks Mr. Olsen. 202 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,520 And the mayor leans in close. 203 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:39,520 Brandy! 204 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,080 Thought my office smelled mighty sweet. 205 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:43,080 Mighty early, Mayor. 206 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,360 Mighty early, says Mr. Olsen. 207 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,080 Care to swap jobs for a day? 208 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,080 asks the mayor. 209 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,080 I suppose. 210 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:53,080 You've got a meeting in five at the board of directors, says Mr. Olsen, and all their 211 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,760 interests will be in attendance. 212 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:58,240 In that case, says the mayor, I'll return to my brandy. 213 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,000 Wise decision, Mayor. 214 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,840 Single malt, says the mayor. 215 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,360 Want it in hand to poke her off that Randolph. 216 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:05,680 Scoundrel, I tell ya. 217 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,280 Anyhow, I'll drop in on my old darling. 218 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,040 I'm sure she'd love to see Mabel. 219 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:14,160 We can make a dinner of it, says Mr. Olsen, growing somewhat weary of the man. 220 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:17,480 Take care now, and watch that loose brick on your way out. 221 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:22,480 The mayor steps out onto the sidewalk in full baritone and carols. 222 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:26,760 You're the flower of my heart, sweet Roxy. 223 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:31,680 He pauses to fire up a finely rolled Gordo, just as an old Jeffrey Rambler rumbles up. 224 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:36,120 And he heeds mindless, head in a cloud of smoke, straight for the loose brick. 225 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,240 I trust that you will find your love still mine, sweet- 226 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:40,560 Ouch, son of a- 227 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,520 Rolling his ankle on the brick. 228 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,120 And limping away. 229 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,560 Mabel. 230 00:16:46,560 --> 00:17:04,440 What kind of name is Mabel, anyhow?