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.org. Welcome back, everybody, to the Inspired
Insights podcast. I'm Soren Pearson. This is
Chris McLaughlin. And today we have a lovely
guest. Would you like to introduce yourself?
Lovely. Thank you. Lovely. My name is Suzanne
Carver. I am a writer and an authenticity coach,
and I coach people how to reclaim their truest
selves and cultivate the courage to live as that
in this world and really know their own unique
brilliance. I have been excited about this episode
since we ran into each other recently. And I'm
just going to say right up front, Soren, you
know this. We have another Swifty at the table.
And so there may be some more quotes today, some
stories. Just be ready. Be prepared. Yeah. I
need to put my guards up now. Yeah. I just need
to. I'm preparing. I'm preparing. It begins.
And it begins. It begins. Soren, first of all,
how should we fit? My week has been overall good.
We're looking in a positive direction, but it's
been a lot. Good. You know, I keep thinking and
Derek keeps saying, Soren's going to be leaving
soon. And every month that passes, like it's
essentially spring -ish. Yeah. You've got a couple
more months of high school career left. Not even
because... All of my classes right now, I'm taking
five AP classes. And after tests are done, it's
over. Early May. Yeah, early May. And I just
will be sitting in classes that are essentially
study halls. I did not realize that. For a month.
Wow. It's right around the corner. Yeah. We'll
unpack that at a later time. I have a lot of
thoughts on it, too. But inspired insight for
the week. Kick us off. My inspired insight is
about... I think especially, and this is for
all my teenagers out there, but it applies to
adults as well. Oftentimes we lose ourselves
in relationships. We feel like we need to constantly
be around the person, whether it be our significant
other or best friend and rely on them for everything.
Right. Like I have friends who have dealt with
significant others that are incapable of existing
without interacting with them constantly. Yeah.
And I think it's important to recognize when
relationships are. consuming us um and that's
part of sort of like defining our identity as
individuals yeah um yeah so yeah my inspired
insight is sometimes uh i know that it's amazing
to hang out with others and social connections
are fantastic and we should be spending time
with others but Know when enough is enough and
know when your identity is starting to be dissolved
into an amalgam with another person. Yeah. Because
that gets to a point where it's really unhealthy.
Yeah. Slip that slope too. Yeah, slip very slowly.
It's happening. Yes, it's happening. Yeah. Until
you're in the gaping chasm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's great insight. Yeah. I've been thinking.
based on some things going on in my world right
now um you know we often use that expression
like just rip the band -aid off and and i'm i
i pride myself on being a much more planful methodical
organized i don't like a ton of surprises i don't
like a ton of chaos and um This has been a week
of some forced chaos in my world that I, the
beginning of the week, held on to a lot of resentment
and anger about, like, how dare you do this to
me or to us in a professional capacity. And with
every passing day this week, I've been more like...
grateful thinking of other themes soren and i
talk about all the time like gratitude i have
been finding gratitude in having that band -aid
ripped for me and watching as the dust of the
week has settled realizing they did me a favor
like yeah by ripping the band -aid off on something
that i was planning to pull the corners around
for another month and a half or so by having
the Band -Aid ripped off, liberation and freedom
and breathing lighter already. And so, yeah,
I guess my insight is really thinking about our
perspective can change, similar to other things
you and I talk about all the time, that something
that initially felt done to me now feels done
for me. I love that. Yeah. How about you, Suzanne?
I love it to hear our guests' inspired insights.
Well, it's so interesting that you said that
because our topic today is if we talk about story,
that is you're changing the story. We change
the story. It's our power. It's our voice. And
I think that's my favorite thing about story.
My inspired insight is about being limitless.
Just that idea that I am truly only limited by.
what I'm willing to believe about myself. And
so the more I'm willing to believe is possible
for me, either for me to be or to have or to
express, that's the container that I'm in. Yeah,
really. Those walls can always be expanded. Yeah.
And so... In that way, I and all of us are essentially
limitless. Yeah. I think that's so empowering.
I think that is a really beautiful idea. And
as I've said in previous episodes, we... quite
literally define the world around us through
our perspective. Exactly. There is no means through
which we filter reality other than our own perspective.
Yeah. And by having unlimited capabilities to
change that, we have unlimited capabilities to
change the world around us. And how powerful
is that? And in my work, I use story to do exactly.
Yeah. Let's dig into what you do because I don't
think I'd heard you introduce yourself as an
authenticity coach before. So tell us everything.
I love it. It's something I've been doing for
a long time in my regular life and I've decided
to actually do it as a job. Yeah. Get into a
business and a work for myself. Yeah. To own
the gifts that I was given. And sometimes that's
really scary. Sometimes I'm like. Do I really
have the right to be doing this and calling myself
this? And I think, how dare I? And I think, well,
how dare I not do that? Why would I waste my
gifts? Right. For this reason. Right. I have
these gifts. I don't have your gifts. I don't
have your gifts and vice versa, maybe. And so
I'm not going to squander them. Yeah. So I work
predominantly with women, but not only with women,
to help them express and own. their truest versions
of themselves. And I do it in lots of different
ways. One -on -one coaching. I teach workshops.
I have all kinds of... I'm launching a three
-month coaching program right now for consistency
so we can work on this together. And so much
of authenticity is about taking down the walls
that... that have formed around us. Either we've
put them there, society's put them there, familial,
it could be anything. But usually we have some
participation in helping construct them. And
then they become so embedded in us. Oh, I'm using
my hands. I'm not supposed to. No, talk away.
Yeah. That we feel like they are, in fact. permanent
real things and they are constructs yeah and
so i i use story both as a writer i'm i am a
blogger and a fiction writer um and then i also
teach how to change your story through um a workshop
to teach a tool called scripting where we actually
take an active role in the narrative that we
have of ourselves and our lives and you know
the interesting part about it is that people
are like I'm really just lying to myself. Like,
can I really write that into being? And the truth
is, you absolutely can. Yeah. You absolutely
can. And the resistance is really, really normal.
So I teach people how to work within that. Yeah.
So that they can expand their own containers
and change their stories and change how they
are showing up in the world, which changes your
entire life. A hundred percent. A hundred percent.
I find that so. interesting because i feel like
in western society we have this idea of concrete
identity and we create a brand about ourselves
and we create ideas around ourselves that then
manifest in concrete things and like i see this
in gender roles which i hate i'm an active proponent
for the deconstruction of gender roles as a societal
construct but um there we have a bunch of rigid
ideas around our behaviors and then we'll say
things about ourselves and then We'll feel like
those things that we've said about ourselves
are rules that we've made for ourselves. Yeah.
Right. Or that someone's made for us. Yeah. We
have to adhere. Precisely. Precisely. And I think
part of defining ourselves is recognizing how
fluid we are. Right. Right. Like people want
concrete things to identify with. I think when
you identify with something concrete, you're
obscuring yourself because we as individuals
are not concrete. We're fluid and we need to
view ourselves as much more amorphous and abstract
in order to truly hit at the meat of who we are
and who we want to be and who we will be. And
that doesn't necessarily have to be a concept
or an idea. It can just be a feeling too, right?
Like it's very... abstract and fluid and as you
said constantly changing and we can define it
yeah yeah yeah he's creating our lives by these
constructs and i just i i don't think that people
think of them as optional yeah changeable right
and so to insert that moment over and over again
of power of empowerment of choice is It's so
life -changing. Yeah. In a lot of my work, especially
in the diversity, equity, inclusion, I do a lot
of consulting in that. And we talk all the time
about minority stress and internalized oppression,
whether that's internalized homophobia, internalized
transphobia, internalized racism, all of it.
White supremacy. And as you're talking, Suzanne,
I'm thinking of... that process by which we as
humans unfortunately go through when we adopt
the narrative that's been told about us or who
we are or who we're supposed to be. And so much
of your work really in the lens that I'm approaching
it through is about knocking down those walls,
toning down that inner saboteur. We talk about
RuPaul here a lot too, that inner saboteur's
voice that's telling you, You're not good enough.
You're not smart enough. You're not attractive
enough. You're not funny enough. People aren't
going to like you. Imposter syndrome is that
voice? Yeah. And I wrestle with that every day.
Yeah. And I think we all do. And for me, it's
not about knocking the voice off our shoulder.
It's about learning control on the volume. And
for me, strengthening the other voice. Turning
up the other. Yeah. The truth is we are always
creating our lives. We're either creating it
through fear and limitation or we can choose
to pivot and create it through expansiveness,
authenticity, limitlessness, possibility. It's
just a choice I don't think most people feel
like they have. So some of it's always everything
I teach starts with awareness. You just have
to become aware of what the messaging is, what
the voice is, what the programming is. Socialization
is not a bad thing. It teaches us to not burp
at dinner and be nice to people, not shove people
over and things like that. There are places for
it, but there's so much that's... programmed
in that we are so it's so subconscious yeah yeah
we just think it's the truth and yeah yeah it's
not well i think about your piece around um the
gender role piece soren that you know i was doing
a training this week talking about developmental
stages of how we acquire the understanding of
gender. And the research is super clear. Kids
as young as two are starting to move their understanding
of gender away from biology and more towards
roles. So this is a girl of color, this is a
boy color. And by the time a kid turns three
-ish, three and a half -ish, They've already
started to identify their gender beyond their
biology as two. I think that dynamic between
like cultural abstractions, like the conceptual
boxes that we draw around things and the material
reality of situations is a divide that we see
a lot, especially in the political sphere. Right.
Like you guys say that you're going to mention
Taylor Swift a lot. I'll talk about my Taylor
Swift, Karl Marx. I'll do the K hard hands for
Karl. And he talks a lot about or rather uses
this idea of or rather this tool of dialectical
analysis. And it is analyzing situations through
interactions rather than groupings. It's not
about categorization. It's about an understanding
of literal material dynamics and how they interact
with each other in a very organic manner. Right.
And I think that's kind of the divide between
the left and the right. The left is focused on
material realities and dynamics that result in
concrete things, whereas the right, I think,
is focused a lot more on the maintenance of ideas
and the maintenance of arbitrary cultural principles.
And I think it's really important to try to abstract
the cultural principles around yourself and examine
what they're actually doing and whether they're
grounded in reality. And who is it serving? Yeah,
precisely. And is it bringing me joy and freedom
and liberation? Or is it... continuing to oppress
me and keep me down. Which I, by the way, think
that joy and joy, freedom and liberty are the
most subversive things we could ever be. They're
our deepest activism. Yeah. Yeah. Right. By choosing
joy. Yeah. Than a, you know, a petition. 100%.
It's the energy with which we embody and put
into the world and our energy really matters.
And I am, I have to believe, or I guess I'm imagining
that in your work, Suzanne, Part of what you're
doing is challenging your clients to reconnect
with some of that resistance, reconnecting with
what may be used to spark. Yes, because I would
be you'd be hard pressed to find someone who
hasn't found some part of themselves that they
needed to tuck away for safety for either because
it was rejected or it interfered with belonging
or it was criticized or made fun of or. Just
unwanted. I would say we probably most of us
have parts to reclaim. It takes a lot to coax
those out of hiding. I think the first step is
to experience them within yourself and be like,
oh, yeah, there's that. Yeah, I remember that.
And then to take it on the road, so to speak.
Yeah. That's where it's most powerful is when
you embody it to the point where you are living
it. unapologetically and then I think all the
circumstances of your life then shift to bring
what matches that you yeah that's been my absolute
direct experience yeah some of the things I long
long wished for in my life and wanted to create
I just I don't think there was enough of me online
to call them to be able to yeah they're all showing
up. Yeah. And I'm like, wow. Well, and something
else that Soren and I often bring up, because
I think it's part of the human experience, and
it's just, it's also something we don't, unfortunately,
we don't talk as openly about, is the role that
something like trauma or oppression, which is
a form of trauma, does to us to keep those pieces
down. And when... Sometimes it takes other people
giving us permission first before we write that
permission slip to ourself. Yeah. And I think
about as a clinical social worker, these are
conversations I have with people all the time.
What's fascinating, Suzanne, about what you do
is you take the conversation one step further
and you document it in a narrative, in a story.
Well, for me. Trauma is one of my favorite things
to talk about, which, you know, is kind of probably
weird to most people. You're in good company.
It has absolutely defined entire parts of my
life. In its occurrence, in its healing, in its
recovery, and then in actually integration. Yes.
And so there was so much pain for so long. I
saw trauma, specifically my trauma, which it's
always a little weird for me to call it mine.
Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know another word for
it. I've tried on a few and I don't mean the
behaviors were mine, but the wounds were. Yeah.
So I actually find it empowering to say that.
My drama was to me a massive liability. It was
the thing that it wasn't like a secret. It just
was the thing that I was dragging around with
me that kept interfering with everything I wanted,
interfered with my relationships, interfered
with my self -concept, with my body, with my
dreams. Anything and everything, it touched everything.
And I at some point decided that I was going
to figure out how to use its best parts and change
the story about its impact, its role in my life.
And I was going to own it. And so that's where
I began was to start rewriting that story as
understanding that. Well, I would never wish
that upon anyone and I would certainly not wish
it upon myself. I would not want to go through
it again. And I don't think it's an ideal way
to start your life. I wouldn't actually change
that either. A hundred percent. Because it's
made me who I am and it's given me gifts to help
other people reclaim parts. And in my opinion,
trauma is completely not, I can't think of the
word. You cannot have authenticity and trauma
exist in the same space because trauma requires
you to compartmentalize everything. Safety is
the only thing that matters. Yeah. And so until
that can start to decrease its energy and presence
in your everyday life, you can't possibly bring
your authentic self. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
Changing the story around. The trauma and its
impact and its power, like taking its power and
turning it on for me. 100%. Has been the thing
that has actually allowed me to then. begin to
call parts of myself home. And I don't mean to
become parts, new parts. I mean, emerge these
parts that are inside and hidden. That's right.
The visual I often think about when I think about
trauma and what healing looks like, however people
define that, is it's moving the trauma from what
was a ball in a chain, dragging us down an anchor,
and turning it into a hot air balloon that we
can soar. And it's not... For me, the goal isn't
to remove it, to forget about it, to pretend
it wasn't there. Which you couldn't do. Which
you couldn't do. How many of us have tried? Right.
We've all tried. Right. And there's a thousand
not -so -great coping strategies that are there
to try to serve that purpose. But if you shift
the anchor to a balloon... It's still there.
It's still with you. It's still attached to you.
We still are being carried in some level by it.
But instead of sinking like the stone, we're
soaring. This is what I call emotional alchemy.
This is what I bring to my work. It's so deeply
important to me. Every time I think to myself,
can I really do this work with people? I think,
yes, not because I'm perfect or completely 100
% healed, just because I learned how to do it.
On myself. And I can teach people how to do it.
You can alchemize something like trauma into
power. I mean, I can't think of a better gift
to give myself. I often view my recovery process
not as me removing myself from my trauma, but
imbuing myself. with that trauma, weaving it
into who I am, right? Because trauma is a very
rigid thing. It has a lot of structure and it
has a lot of force to it, as you've mentioned.
And that force can either create a cage for us
or, as you said, we can use alchemy to weave
it into our skeleton and help it let us, let
it help us. run right let it help us reinforce
our bones so that we can stand taller and stronger
with it yeah i'm thinking like wolverine whatever
that thing is adamantium comic book nerds it's
in it's literally changing how it shows up around
us and it's like mining it for its gifts taking
the minerals and elements from it that can strengthen.
Because the truth is, and this is, I think, one
of the most important approaches that I have
found to trauma healing is that trauma, by definition,
means a loss of agency. And it might be agency
over your body, your life, but at its deepest
level, it's your agency over yourself. And something
is done or taken from you that you did not have
a choice about. That's kind of how I define trauma.
I should write that down because I never actually
said that. It'll be recorded. And so reclaiming
that by changing the story of it and taking from
it what serves you is just, to me, the most beautiful
flip that you could do for ourselves. Yeah. And
my best friend, Brene Brown, my second best friend,
sorry, Taylor. Brene talks about this all the
time, right? And talks about some of the... gifts
that trauma take from us to your earlier point
authenticity the ability to be vulnerable the
ability to trust the ability to connect and and
and leverage the relationships around us and
so much of what you do is about giving those
things back yes which is why this is what I was
trying to say when I got distracted by my own
definition is that If we approach that with gentleness
and softness and really deep gratitude for the
creative ways that we've survived, to really
touch those parts of ourselves and say, wow,
you were so smart to figure out how to shut down
like that or freeze like that or how to put up
those exact walls that you needed. Because I
think that for me, the only thing we're damaging
than the trauma was what I then did to myself.
A hundred percent. To myself. To tell the things
I said and told myself about myself in what then
I how I became like that I was too guarded or
I was too needy or I was or I was manipulative
or all the all the maladaptive ways that I that
I learned to be. I judged them horribly and then
I rejected and shamed myself. And that was as
damaging if not more than the original crimes.
And so. In my work and in my own soul, I approach
that with so much compassion. And I think in
that way, instead of like taking a hammer and
trying to just break off these coping maladaptive
things, we just like hold them like little tiny
baby chicks and say, thank you. Thank you for
doing that. That was so smart. And now I don't
actually need that anymore. And I'm ready to
let it go. And I, in my experience and I'm watching
other people. they can just kind of melt away
instead of being yanked. Because the last thing
we need is something done to us. We don't need
someone telling us, you know, this is the way
it's going to be. You have to get rid of these
things. Right. It's just more loss of agency.
Right. That's more traumatic. It's more shame.
That's right. And I don't think anybody is capable.
except for yourself, from pulling those things
away from you. It's so true. They can stop allowing
you to behave in those ways, but those things
are still a part of you. It's still your thought
process and you're still defined by those maladaptive
behaviors if you don't do the investigative work
to identify, examine, and dissolve them yourself.
Right. Another loss of agency, as you were saying.
Yeah. Well, and that's the piece, again, is none
of this is my original thought. This is all Brene,
but talking of the role that shame. Sometimes
I just call her B. That is the piece that trauma
does and does so well is it infuses shame. Oh,
shame is it. And so they go hand in hand. So
I almost envision this as like two anchors. And
in order to release the trauma anchored to alchemize
it to the balloon, we've got to clip the shame.
Yeah. One of the things I'm super passionate
about is body love. Just returning to owning
your body, enjoying your body, loving you. That's
another thing that depending on the type of trauma
that's often stolen. And it was for me. Some
of my maladaptive behaviors were things like
disordered eating and body image issues and all
the whole spectrum. If you can imagine the spectrum,
I moved around every angle of it. And I used
to just try to manage it with behavior or guidelines
or programs or any of that. And it really, even
if I could adhere to those and be successful,
it never felt authentic or good. I never felt.
I never felt trusting. I never felt like I could
trust my body. And so a few years ago, I started
that very scary process of becoming intuitive
with my own body and turning to it and its signals
and its cues and learning how to trust it. And
I found the same exact thing, that being able
to approach myself and say, you know, there's
a really good reason that you either overeat
or undereat. Why don't we just get curious about
what serves? Instead of just trying to make myself
not do it through X, Y or Z program. That's right.
Which would always backfire, by the way. And
so when I started doing that and actually like
actually celebrating that I had been wise enough
to come up with this. Food is very available
for a child. Alcohol, not so much. But food.
Yeah. So that was really creative on my part.
Yeah. And so when I started. honoring it it's
just over time it just lost its appeal yeah and
then it's not a fight anymore well and you both
and i've i know soren and i've talked about this
too the ability to have gratitude and to choose
gratitude for what it served you when you needed
it most part of the story gratitude is its own
story you can tell that is 100 it's the easiest
story i think we could pivot on like if if you're
going down a story you don't want gratitude is
probably the easiest entry point 100 i think
it's very much an overarching theme of every
happy life and even in our saddest moments we
are getting so much out of that experience right
like i think my experience with trauma has defined
me it is me but it's not my fault it's my problem
to deal with But it's not an issue that I created.
Right. And you've because I've heard you talk
about this. It is you because you no longer wear
it. It's it's woven within who you choose to
be. And now you are its controller. It doesn't
control you. You trauma. Yeah. Yeah. I think
what has like kind of astonished me about this
conversation so far is just how similar your
approach to recovery has been to mine. Like we
recorded an episode before this and you're saying
like. Pretty much paraphrased kind of exactly
what I was saying. Yeah. And I think that speaks
to the universality of human experience and how
viable these coping tools are for everybody in
these situations because everybody needs to love
themselves. Yes. Everybody who has been affected
by trauma will carry that with them for the rest
of their life. And let that not be a burden,
but rather a tool in our toolbox. Yeah. Whether
you have big T trauma or little t trauma. Yeah.
It's. we're all humans living and we all have
scars. Yeah. Sometimes we have stars around our
scars. We draw them. And I, you know, I often
say or find myself saying to the people I'm working
with, I don't get to decide whether your trauma
is capitalized or not, right? Like, like grief,
I haven't found a whole lot of value in defining
having this trauma scale. And so for some folks,
what might feel like it can roll off my shoulders
will rattle them to their core and vice versa,
just like with grief. And so what I have found
to be really important is what you were, well,
what you're both saying about how you make trauma
your bitch and how you harness it. And you bridle
it and you whatever these horse analogies are
I'm thinking of, but I'm like that crop thing.
Yeah. Like you are taking that trauma for a ride
and deciding trauma is no longer reloading here.
Exactly. And I think what you were pointing out
with the need that some people feel to characterize
like big T trauma, little t trauma and how that
isn't important and how. Really, what matters
is how it is interacting with you, your reaction
to that, your response. It's not about what happened.
It's about what is occurring as a result of it
and mitigating that. Right, right. Which, again,
speaks to my boy, Karl Marx, and dialectical
analysis. It's about interaction. My boy. Your
bestie. My baby little man. Karl, yeah. But,
yeah. So, Susan, I want to know. What have you
seen? Like, so you have these conversations with
the people you're working with. Then walk me
through what happens when you put it on paper.
And what, because you are, we're telling stories,
but you're literally behind the keyboard, right?
Yeah. So I. Tortured poet style. Yes, really.
And I don't use an old fashioned typewriter.
I usually use a keyboard. I think with my fingers.
Yeah. So I'll. My experience with scripting is
we're always scripting. We're always telling
a story about ourselves, our lives. And so I
teach people how to do that on purpose, how to
do it in the direction that they want. And it's
basically a first person, present tense narrative
of how you want something to be and as if you're
living it now. And I script. four to five times
a week I have a document on my computer just
keep it minimized so I can easily grab oh wow
I script if I'm really stuck in work and I feel
blocked or I something happens and I feel like
I'm not thinking about that the way I want to
I'm telling the story I don't want to do and
when I kind of pivot and sometimes it's a paragraph
sometimes it's two pages if I get really geared
up it's a way to kind of daydream and imagine
Like the limitlessness that I might want, or
it might just be, I'm coming to do this podcast
and I really like to feel comfortable in my own
skin. I'm not writing about what you're going
to do or what you're going to say or how it's
all going to be. I'm writing about myself, how
I'm going to be, how I'm going to show up, because
that truly is the only thing that I have any
say over. And I find that. It's really like rehearsing
for your life. Yeah. I go back and forth. You're
talking. I'm hearing rehearsal and manifestation.
Absolutely. I tell people it's like a vision
board with words. Yeah. It could be about a long
-range plan. I'm getting ready to publish my
first novel. I can't wait. This is something
I scripted about for years. Yeah. I used to do
these long scripts about... Being in, you know,
in a book cellars in New York City and looking
at the people. I mean, the smell of the book,
the whole details. And then after a while, the
details didn't feel fun to me anymore. I just
felt like I'm never going to get there. Right.
This is the dreams making me feel bad. And so
I started scripting more about what it was like
to own my voice in the world and to have my voice
matter. So much about how people were responding
to me, but how, how like grounded I was in being
able to speak my full truth without abandon.
Yeah. And then I started doing that more and
more and more and more doors open and more opportunities
came and, and now I'm publishing my book. And
I just think. Oh, congratulations. Thank you.
I think that's no accident. Like I couldn't go
from. Over Here in Doubt, all the way to bestselling
author. Like I did to build myself there. And
I did that through scripting part. I did it with
other things as well to expand my self -worth
and my self -belief and all those things. But
scripting has also helped me write new beliefs
into being. Like body trust and like owning my
voice, staying safe in the world. Authenticity,
like belonging. I love Renee Brown's work on
belonging. 100%. I realized that part of my huge
block around being authentic was I was afraid
I just would not fit. Yeah. And as my core wounds,
that I wouldn't fit anywhere. Well. I was myself.
And belonging is one of my absolute favorite
topics as well. Because for me, I don't want
to just fit in. I don't want to have to chameleon
a part of myself or my full self to fit in, to
be in this mold, to look like you, to sound like
you, to act like you. To belong is to embrace
full authenticity and acceptance of 100 % of
me and 100 % of the people I'm with. All the
shiny parts and the not shiny parts. That's right.
All of it. Right. Our anchors and our balloons.
Yes. Like, to embrace all of it, that's what
belonging means to me. For me, too. It's always
here first. Yeah. And I think that when I first
realized that or read that, I was like, no. I
don't want that answer. I really wanted something
slightly more convenient than that. Right. It's
so true. It is foundationally been true for me.
But when I created it there, I started to belong
to all kinds of spaces that were beyond my imaginings.
Yeah. Well, through this process, we build community.
And Brene talks about community all the time.
And so in this process of scripting and reclaiming
and manifesting and alchemizing, I'm making up
words now. No, they're all good ones. You find.
community because you're retouching that part
of yourself yeah that was an idea that being
authentic being who you actually are not who
you think you should be or who the world told
you to be is truly the greatest thing you could
ever be and that people are naturally drawn yeah
yeah not that that's our goal but but it's just
it's the it is the reality of the situation yes
And I think it's interesting that you say, oh,
it doesn't seem convenient, that the answer is
that you cannot feel like you're fitting in unless
you feel like you fit in your skin. Right. When
the reality is. Who we are is the closest thing
to us, right? Our skin is literally the most
convenient thing to access, right? And yet I
feel like we have a tendency to view ourselves
as so distant because we create these ideas about
ourselves that aren't us, right? And that abstract
our actual identity. And it's about getting back
to... who we actually are. And that's the only
way we can feel like we fit in. And I feel like
in almost any situation, I've yet to find a situation
in which I feel super uncomfortable because I'm
fine with how I'm behaving and I'm fine with
how I'm feeling about the situation. I am okay
with how I'm acting. And if the people around
me aren't okay with that, Fine. It's still fitting
me anyway. Yeah, precisely. I never feel uncomfortable.
I never feel othered because I'm not othering
myself. Right. Well, you, Soren, are perhaps
one of the most authentic humans I've ever met.
And we were talking when Suzanne arrived that
to the outside, that looks like confidence. It
looks like swagger. But to you on the inside,
it's being you. Yeah. Being me. Truly, I don't
even notice it. Like, I feel like confidence,
a lot of people view as performative. And for
me, it is not because confidence is not about
other people. It's not about appearing like competent
and like, you know, what's going on. It's about
knowing who you are and what's going on inside
of you and then acting. in a manner consistent
with that. Yeah. Right. Like it for me, confidence
is not something that I'm trying to do. It is
something that is. It's a result of. Yeah. Result
of. It's a result of me doing what I want to
do. Right. This is something that I am definitely
building for myself. It's it's newer for me than
it is for you. I think that most people who know
me or interact with me think of me as very confident.
And I to a certain degree that is accurate. But.
There were so many hidden parts of not feeling
worthy. And I found that I'm pretty transparent
about this, that actually I'm scared a lot of
the time. But I've just learned how to be braver
because being true to who I am and expressing
that in the world has become the most important
thing to me. So I'm willing to be uncomfortable
and scared. Because that is the only way that
I get to belong to myself. And there's actually
no one else I want to belong to. That's right.
The most important community we can have is that
with ourself. Yeah. Yeah. Can we also get t -shirts
that's the most convenient thing you have? Yeah.
Yeah. We'll go back. Here's the word convenient
and turned it. We'll go pull that quote. Suzanne,
I just have to say, as we kind of get wrapping
up. Watching your face as you talk about what
you do is bringing me joy. Yeah. You have a shine
around you as you describe what you do. Thank
you. It's beautiful. Look, I'm like, look, beautiful.
It takes a lot of guts for me to let myself shine
this much because it's very natural for me. And
I have a lot of negative messaging about it.
Sometimes I've done a lot of shrinking in my
life and I'm just, I'm just not willing to anymore.
Even if shining makes other people feel things
that are uncomfortable. We talk a lot about not
dulling shine. We talk a lot about tall poppies.
There's literal tall poppies behind us as a reminder
of that. Like we're not, we. collectively and
hopefully our listeners are getting to that place
with us where we make a decision that nobody
gets to cut us down yeah and we don't cut like
it's still deeply healing for me to hear you
say to me i like to be next to your yeah like
you're making me uncomfortable oh my gosh yeah
no shine brighter and i think 10 times out of
10 for me Basking in the sunlight of others is
so much warmer than feeling like my eyes hurt
because of it. Yeah. Right? And part of being
willing to bask in the sunlight of others is
letting yourself glow a little too. I was thinking
that. If you don't feel worthy, then I think
other people's glow can make you feel jealous.
Yeah, yeah. You want to turn them down. It can
make you feel othered even more because someone's
behaving different than you in a way that is...
normal to them, right? And when someone is behaving
different than you and it is viewed as normal,
then you feel abnormal. Right. And I think part
of this episode's message is you are normal.
Not in that you are socially homogenous, but
what's going on with you is normal. It is correct.
It is right. That's right. And a part of healing
and sadly part of the narrative about healing
is that As we grow more confident and we cast
bigger shadows because we're learning, we're
relearning, we're unlearning all those things,
it makes others nervous. And what's interpreted
as swagger or cockiness really is about finding
that community with myself and being comfortable
allowing the shine. And it's really only other
people's shadows that make that uncomfortable.
But I am a big believer both like... in energetic
terms and even in things like epigenetics that
that our own healing us being our truest most
authentic selves is the greatest impact we could
have on any on any situation on anyone like people
seeing that and knowing that is it in and of
itself can be healing to see what that's an option
to see what that looks to give the others permission
yeah to Follow along. Yes. Come with us. That's
right. An exclusive club. That's right. Yeah.
This poppy garden is one of my favorite places
to be now. So you just keep growing bigger and
bigger. Real. Thank you. Thank you. Truly, truly,
truly. Thank you for being here. My pleasure.
Oh, good episodes. I've been Chris McGlawin.
I've been Torn Peterson. Thank you, Suzanne.
And we'll see y 'all next time on Inspired Insights
Podcast. Bye. Thanks for listening. to learn
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