So, Soren, folks are about to watch our premiere episode of the Inspired Insights podcast,
and we thought it would be important to record a little, maybe just a little spoiler of what
folks are about to see.
Yes. So we embarked on that journey, I'd say fairly ignorant of the technology which we
were taking advantage of. I showed up late because I was taking a nap and so did Chris
and my mom couldn't help us set up the recording business.
And this space that we're in, and one day folks might see the space we're in, but for
today, there's a lot of buttons and pieces to bring this to fruition. And unbeknownst
to us,
our mics were muted.
So fortunately, we were recording, fortunately, your mom is a brilliant editor and producer
that she doesn't even give herself credit for. Fortunately, artificial intelligence
exists. But we just thought it was important that people realize that, you know, part of
the inspired consulting group brand and part of what we want inspired insights podcast
to be about is this idea that we are all human.
Yeah.
That perfection is not even part of the journey that you and I are interested in being on,
that this is a work in progress. You and I, we are works in progress. Our best days are
still ahead. And the best days for this podcast are still ahead. So we just want to explain
that this premiere episode is a longer episode. It is a little bit of an introduction to you
and I and the dynamics that we bring to this podcast. And this premiere episode is about
grace and vulnerability and asking our listeners to bear with us.
What you will see in the next couple episodes, I hope is an evolution of the process. And
we want to thank folks for joining us in this premiere episode and for sticking with us,
living with us, growing with us, evolving with us, and just being patient with us.
Yeah. And with all that said, I think that we managed to put together something all right.
I'm very proud of what you and I and your mom have built here. And I'm excited for people
to see what the future episodes hold. So without further ado, you're about to listen to episode
one of the inspired insights podcast. Here we are. Take one. This is inspired insights
first podcast. I'm Sorin Peterson. I'm a junior at Hamden Academy. And I'm here with and I
am Chris McLaughlin. I'm a licensed clinical social worker here in the Bangor area. Hi
Sorin. Hi. This is really exciting. This is fun. I'd say yeah. This is my first time
with anything podcast and watching you put together this all this setup here has been
pretty interesting. Yeah, I'd say I'm no expert, but I try my best. I try my best. It looks
good. It looks like we're you know what we're doing here. So I'm excited to get chatting
with you. Yeah, I think that there are a ton of interesting conversational topics that
we can explore with this. And we talked at a coffee shop a while ago, just prepping for
this and I think that we've got some natural chemistry. I think so too. I think we've got
a lot of a lot of interesting conversations ahead a lot of discussions to have. And I'm
hoping that as this conversation goes on, we can get folks who are listening to give
us some other ideas and other suggestions and feedback and have this thing grow over
time. Yeah, I think that it has the potential to be something really cool. I know for me
a big reason why I'm doing this is to do a little bit of outreach and try to get another
experience like mine out for people to listen to and watch if you're seeing the video of
me. Because I think that not a lot of youth that have had like mental struggles are able
to when they're still fairly young, talk about it eloquently. And I think that that is something
that's really an asset to me. And conversation has been something really important in my
processing of really everything and maintaining emotional stability and such. Yeah. Yeah.
Here's what I know about you. You are somebody who is an external processor like myself as
well. And so that ability to connect with other people, to share experiences, to learn
from other experiences, while also hoping others can learn from yours is a big part
of who you are. And you coming into your senior year of high school, and I know you are starting
to think about what comes next. After high school, you get a big trip next couple weeks
from now. Yeah. Yeah. And so I'm hoping that as this conversation evolves over the next
couple weeks, months, who knows, you will also develop some insights even deeper into
yourself that you'll be able to share with the people that cross your path in the future
as well. Yeah. And I hope that what we do here and what we express here does resonate
with a lot of people, because I think that we'll be able to get at some really deep topics
that not a lot of people spend time thinking about and or even have the capacity to really
explore deeply by themselves. And I just really hope that people it resonates with people
and our experiences and your wisdom and my, I guess, most recent learning lived experiences.
I'm still in the learning phase, but can help other people grow and people relate to them.
Yeah, I think so too. I think so too. So, you know, I think as we're sitting here getting
ready to launch into this experiment in a lot of ways, I think it would be helpful to
just share with folks listening a little bit about you and some of that experience that
you're talking about, recognizing that, you know, even your ability to process through
it is still evolving. And so just being able to share openly that you have struggled with
some emotional health, mental health stuff. So I'm curious if you want to share anything
right now. Yeah, so like a lot of teens, I had a very, very difficult preteen and early
high school experience that involved a lot of really dysfunctional behaviors like self
injury, a lot of destructive behaviors around like substance use and stuff. And I sort of
lost who I was, right. And I think I was running from who I was because like, a lot of my issues
were initially trauma related, and then like it festered. So I ended up like loathing everything
that I had been before the traumatic injury, because it just reminded me of that and was,
I had attached it to be the cause of that event. So I entirely changed my personality,
my outlook on life, I became like deeply nihilistic. And I, it was really unfortunate, but like,
I actively tried to suppress the empathy that I had, because even like, feeling for others
would make me realize how deeply I was hurting, right. And I was hurting the people around
me. So I was just constantly wrapped with like guilt with that. So I felt like I was
taking myself this emotional hole, where I was guilty to be around my parents because
I was failing them, I felt like I was failing them actively. And I, like, whenever I would
get into my own head, I, it would just be a really unsafe environment for me, and I'd
end up doing something really dumb. So actually, as like my primary coping mechanism, which
I think a lot of teens experience today, it was like social media addiction. Yeah. Not
so much like Instagram, or stuff like, or TikTok, because I don't think that either
of those really have the things that I'm super interested in. But like, I was just constantly
on YouTube. And like eight hours a day. And I neglected my body, I was barely sleeping.
It was a whole situation. Yeah. And you know, one of the things I love about you, Soran,
is you are, you kind of have a foot in a couple different worlds with these conversations.
You have that, I'm a teen world, and the friend group that you have, represent a whole lot
of different, a different lived experiences within the teen population. So you've got
this really like insider view on what it feels like to be a young person in the world today.
And you have this ability to project yourself wiser beyond your years. And you've, I've
known you for a very long time. I've been friends with your family for a very long time.
You have always been like that. So I love to watch you vacillate between, I'm a teenager
and I'm doing teenager stuff. And you've got this 20,000 foot perspective on the world
around you and just very insightful and analytical. And you love to learn, you love to dig into
stuff. So to hear you talk about this YouTube addiction, knowing how much you love to learn.
Sometimes I'm sitting here wondering how much of that was you attempting to process through
and learn about what was going on for you and how much of it was an distraction? How
much of it was a defense mechanism, a coping strategy to get away from what you were dealing
with?
Yeah, like I did, like it was engaging material, but ultimately it was escapism. And like I
engaged with a lot of it was about like modern affairs. I spent a lot of time learning about
philosophy and like modern geopolitical environments. I got really into history and I still am really
into history. But I think the way I went about it both ignored the experience that I was
having and my emotions. It was very much trying to put myself in a world that was different
from where I was.
Yeah, that's that escapism.
And also by looking at modern events and all of these awful things that was going on around
the world. And I think that like the news actively encourages this because like tragedy
is a moneymaker. So I would see all of these awful things going around me and I'd be like,
wow, the world is what I think it is. So I'd use it to justify my really like people loathing,
nihilistic worldview thinking that like everything was going to go to crap. And it really didn't
serve me to do that. Right. And now I watch that content and I'm like, wow, this is really
unfortunate. What can I do? And then I watch other content on what other people are doing
to like help these things. And I think because these things are so widely available in the
media, it makes a lot of people think that that's all that's going on when in reality,
like right now in the world, we have the lowest incidence of extreme poverty rate in human
history. We have the lowest violence rates in human history. Like humanity in my eyes
is on the up and up. And every single day that we strive for more community and empathy
and we make technological developments is another opportunity to like better ourselves,
better humanity and be optimistic about the future. So I really am hopeful. And I've gone
from a place of like seeing awful things and being like, man, that justifies my like really
awful worldview and the behaviors that I'm doing because ultimately nothing matters.
And now I look at them and I'm like, wow, these things have weight. So it's important
for me to contribute as well. Yeah. You know, you're talking about this distinction of being
going from a passive consumer of media and just letting it wash over you to being more
active in that consumption, more intentional with what you're watching and how you're processing
what you're watching. And so I'm thinking a lot right now about how you talked about
the social media addiction and doom scrolling is something that gets a lot of attention
right now. And there's a lot of conversation about how much is too much is the addiction
to social media and short 30 second one minute clips. Is that an addiction? And I'm wondering
if you have thoughts from your own experience about what that felt like in your own body
and your own brain. I mean, I think it a hundred percent is like chemically, it's the exact
same thing. It's just always searching for a little bit of dopamine, right? Yeah. And
I don't really like the usage of neurotransmitters and like layman's terms, but like that is
literally what's happening. And like I've struggled with addiction issues without stuff
like self-harm, obviously using substances as like a escapism. And I think psychologically
the exact same thing, perhaps it's like less frowned upon and more normalized, but like
it is in my eyes, the exact same thing. And you noted like being an active consumer of
these things, obviously like you can't get away from it, but like kids nowadays, they
were born into it. It's not like they were, they got into it and can't get away. That's
just where they are. And like, we're not teaching small children how to be active consumers
and like sort through what they're viewing. And it's really difficult to, because parents
don't know what their children have access to. If you have a wifi connection, your kid
is looking at some vile stuff. And I don't mean a fear monger, but like children are
desensitized nowadays and we don't know how to pick through the content that we are. Yeah.
And I don't even think to piggyback on your comments here, I don't even think we know
the damage that is being done. I feel like this is something that five, 10, 15 years
from now, somebody is going to say, this is the root cause of a lot of the social contagions
that we're struggling with now, but certainly might be exacerbated. So it's interesting
to hear you have this optimistic view on humanity and the direction we're going in when from
sometimes from my perspective, like I'm wringing my hands, running fingers through hair, but
little I have left going like we're in trouble. I worry, you know, as a social worker approaching
50 years old, having worked with kids and families my entire career, seeing this acuity
in four year olds that I've never seen before. And that doesn't even, not to, not to minimize
what we're seeing in school age kids or preteens and teenagers and young adults, but the
acuity in four year olds is unlike anything I've seen before in the work I do with some
preschools. And so I'm, I'm worried for families. I'm worried for parents who maybe don't know,
but they don't know.
Yeah, I agree. So let's bring this down to some real like tangible, tangible suggestions
or recommendations. So from a 17 year old perspective, as somebody who by your own admission
struggled with this kind of addiction with consuming this type of media for hours and
hours on day, what do you want families to know? What do you want parents to know? And
how do you empower a parent to take control of that?
Yeah, I mean, obviously it's really difficult because like kids scoff at parents when parents
try to give advice on these things because the kid is like, you don't know anything about
like what's happening. And it's really easy for kids to conceal what they're doing. So
obviously, I don't think that authoritarian like cracking down is an effective tool to
try to get kids to stop engaging with these things. But I know like something that really
was quite impactful in my realizing that the internet is not something integral to me is
like going outside and interacting with friends. Like during the summers, I like the summer
in between eighth grade year and freshman year, I sat inside the entire time. Just scrolling,
like watching YouTube and playing video games. And we live in like a beautiful area where
there's tons of things to do like out and about. So I think like the outdoors and like
physical activity in that way, and interacting with peers one on one provides a far more
engaging experience than the internet. And like showing your kids that these things outside
of the internet are super engaging and fun, because they totally can be. And I think they're
better than the internet can make the kids like look up and realize, Oh, this is more
fun than what I was doing. So I want to do this. It shouldn't be something where you're
like ordering stuff. It should be something where it's like just fun to not be on the
internet. And I have so much more fun. Like reading books now I'm getting really into
and going on hikes than I ever would engaging in like a content machine. Yeah, yeah. You
know, what I hear you saying is that the because I said so because I'm the boss approach isn't
going to work. Let me throw a little curveball at you. So I work with a significant amount
of families who their kids regardless of the age are a little bit more introverted, maybe
a little bit more on the fringes of what might be the cool crowds. And so when I'm working
with a parent or a caregiver who is concerned because their child is a loner, maybe not
super accepted at school, maybe getting bullied. They don't have friends, they don't have a
lot of friends or any friends. And maybe there's no siblings or even neighbors. How does that
parent get that introverted shy kind of rejected and dejected kid out out in the world out
interacting with real humans when they're getting so much validation online, and they're
getting so much validation, they feel like they have friends in this digital space, who
you and I both know very well could be 30 year olds, men, 30 year old woman pretending
to be something they are not. But these can this kids and these kids brains, they are
connected, they do have friends, they don't need real life. Yeah, like, I, my current
friend group now is like, a lot of it's like mathletes. And they are those kids, right?
And they have formed communities online, like discord, specifically is like prolific. And
I love engaging with my friends on discord. And like, I think parents oftentimes discount
the relationships that kids have online, because they're not real relationships. And like,
you I don't mean to criticize you, but like, the fear mongering about how every person's
looking behind a corner on the internet trying to like take advantage of you. Yes, that is
a real problem. And yes, that does exist. And we need to safeguard for that. But also,
you can't use that to discount your children's relationships. Like, I was talking to one
of my really good friends about his experience during COVID. And he is very, like very introverted,
you're like, very nerdy. He doesn't have, like, necessarily the social skills that a
lot of his peers have. But he found a community online during COVID. And it was like eight
to 10 other people from an age range of like 15 to like, even 25. That was his only community
during COVID. And he mentioned how a that lack of, I guess, in person socialization
sort of resulted in him having less social skills now. But also how if he hadn't have
had that, how awful his COVID experience was. And I think that like, parents have a tendency
to vilify online relationships because they don't know the other people they can't they
can't vet them. And that's what yeah, there's a lot of fear there, obviously. But also just
like listen to your kid. I think obviously children don't necessarily know the best risk
management skills. But like, if your child is engaging socially in a healthy way, that's
not like comparing themselves to others with something like Instagram. And they're just
having fun playing video games with a few friends that they met online. That can be
something totally healthy. And like it can be a stepping stone to real life in person
socialization. Like these kids are learning social skills on the internet. And it can
help them make new friends in person. Yeah. It's balance, right? Yeah, yeah. I totally
agree. Yeah. You know, that's kind of one of just my mantras personally and professionally
that too much of one thing is too much. And so to really try to find that balance between
this online relation, these online relationships, and to your earlier point, get out, do something,
go interact, go be part of these communities, these clubs, these groups of kids with similar
interests, but it's about the balance. Yeah, totally. I agree. Like, my brother doesn't
spend any time playing video games. He's very physical. And very... Brutish is a bad word.
He's just like, he's physically oriented. He's athletic. He's like your typical jock.
And I'm very much not that. Yeah. And he sometimes demeans me for the way I engage with my friends
because I do spend a good amount of time, at least on the weekends, playing video games
with them because it's really fun. And like some of the experiences help me with real
life situations. But just like don't demean your children for the things that they enjoy.
Instead, if you want them to like change mindset or shift the activities that they do for fun,
introduce them to stuff, right? Like children need to make these decisions organically because
if they... Especially like teens who are super rebellious, if they feel like something's
being forced on them, they're gonna hate it. Even if it's awesome, they'll hate it if you're
forcing it on them. Yeah. Yeah. You're talking about balance again. Yeah, yeah. I know that
your Monday through Thursday schedule is ridiculous with school and homework and other activities
that you're involved with. And so it makes sense to be sore in that you are to the grind
Monday through Thursday and come the weekends, you wanna kick back, relax, sleep in, hang
out online, play with friends, just chill. So again, I hear you talking about balance.
Yeah. And like every weekend, I have an in-person sleepover with some section of my friend group.
And that's something that's really valuable to me. And I... Oh my goodness. It's contagious.
We're all smacking the legs. Messing with technology here. I've lost my train of thought.
Sleepovers with friends. Oh yeah. Sleepovers with friends. That's something super valuable
and that should be encouraged. But like my friend, he struggles with a lot of like social
anxiety and anxiety around that. So that's not something that he can always do or bring
himself to do because it's scary to sleep in a house with other people if you've never
really done that. Yeah. It's scary to be in these overwhelming situations with like four
other kids that you might know or you might not really know. And the reverse of that is
that it's super comfortable to be in my bedroom with my headset on. Yeah. With my online person.
With my personal with my online friends being in a space that I'm in control of whether
I plug in or plug out. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, Meir is exactly what he was saying. Like it's
so comfortable. And it's like an environment which he's spent so much time in. Yeah. And
it's really like kids are engaging with healthy things on their own terms. Yeah. Right. And
I think especially once you start getting into like junior year and senior year, a lot
of these high schoolers who during their like early high school career were behaving in
unhealthy things. Like I know I was behaving in some really unhealthy ways. They learn
to self regulate and they start to like examine the root of their behaviors. And I think especially
like kids when they're freshman year don't think anything's gonna change. Yeah. And that
is so short sighted. And I thought that nothing was going to change. Yeah. And I considered
like suicide a lot because I was like, well, if this is what it's going to be like, then
this is not worth it. But like, everybody is always in a state of constant flux. And
getting like your kids to understand the transience of their own emotional state is really important.
Because if they don't understand that like things are going to change, then a sense of
permanent sense of sadness, that's where hopelessness takes seed. Yeah, that's so powerful. Like
I was doing some work on a different project I'm involved with that I was reading some
research from the Trevor Project. And for anybody out there listening and anybody that
knows me, and so you certainly know this one of my passions is working with LGBTQ plus youth
and their families. And so this research I was looking at today from Trevor was around
this correlation between life expectancy and life satisfaction. And to no surprise to me
or to you or maybe to others is when an individual what a young person sees value in what's going
on for them now and they can envision a future that feels meaningful for them. They see themselves
as an imponder. Yeah. Conversely, if I don't see value, I don't see a future for myself.
What's the point of living? What's the point of going on? And I start thinking about a
shortened life expectancy. Yeah, and I think some of that too is perspective like, I don't
know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what's going to happen in two years.
But that's so exciting because there are so many different things that I can engage with
and take advantage of. But I have another friend who spends a lot of time talking about
how he doesn't know what's going to happen and that makes him super anxious and crippling
fear. Yeah, crippling fear and hopelessness because he struggles a lot with managing workload
with school and he likes to game. And he doesn't balance that at all. No balance. And that's
something that he is working through right now. But a lot of that too is perspective.
If you see adversity as something to grow or something unpredictable as an opportunity
rather than a potential negative situation, then that really affects the way things turn
out because I always like to think that life is a series of self-fulfilling prophecies.
And if you believe that tomorrow is going to be awesome and if you believe that you
can do really awesome things, you're going to do them. Yeah. And that took you some time
to get there. That's true. Yeah. That took you some time and going through the stuff
you're going through in your not too distant past, that wasn't the case. That wasn't always
the case for you. Yeah. Like I said with the self-fulfilling prophecies, in freshman year,
I would wake up every morning and be so bummed out to continue existing. And I had the mindset
where if I get behind on homework, it's okay, I'll just kill myself. So that was always
the out for me. And I attempted on numerous occasions. So it was like whenever anything
bad happened, the hope was suicide. Like suicide replaces hope, which I think is crazy, but
also so easy to understand how that happens. Yeah. Yeah. It's both heartbreaking and understandable.
I think a lot of what you and I have talked about leading up to today has been sort of
this human condition and just how so much more connects us than divides us. And so I
think every human on this planet knows what it feels like to feel helpless, to feel hopeless.
Not every human on this planet has seen suicide as an option though. And so there's that piece
of something that separates one from another, something that you've evolved beyond now currently
where that's not even an option. Like if I'm behind on my homework, shit, I got to get
my homework done. Yeah. It's totally escaped my consciousness. Suicide used to be something
that was so prevalent in my worldview. It was there. It was constantly. I used to have
dreams about it. It would just always be the excuse, the constant thing. I'd always be
planning. It's crazy to me to think because I'm thinking constantly right now and it's
about a wide variety of topics now, but then I was thinking constantly, but it was just
about ending my own life. And that pervading everything, either suicide or thinking, oh,
I'm going to go get messed up at some point later today. Or when I get home, I did smoke
a lot of weed. I'd get home and especially too, it's so easy to get as a child. You think
that you're, I feel like I'm, this isn't fear mongering and I don't want parents to take
away fear and feeling like they need to protect their kids, but just awareness. Me as a freshman
in high school could spend maybe 30 minutes asking random people and I would immediately
have somebody in my phone that if I texted them, I could get illicit substances within
an hour and it'd be dropped off at my house for like a $5 fee.
I think a couple of things that pop up for me right now, Sorin, I think about substances
and I think about thoughts of suicide and they both, to me, there's a similarity there
about escape. One is the ultimate escape. The other is a temporary escape, but they
both serve a purpose. And I think the other thing I want to say just for folks listening
is that nothing you are saying is going to be news to your parents. I think that's important
to also talk about that your parents have been by your side through all of this. Your
mom's a social worker as well. Your dad is one of the most compassionate, empathic non-social
workers I've ever met. And so this has really been a family journey that you're not disclosing
something here sitting with me now that your parents haven't heard yet.
Yeah. I'm not blind-sighting my parents with anything. And that's been such an invaluable
resource is my parents are understanding, they listen, they care, and they don't try
to control, but they try to meld, right? They try to guide.
That's a good way to put it. They meld. They do meld.
And I think that that's such a better parenting model because I feel like I'm collaborating
with them on creating a better me rather than them having a vision of me, me having a vision
of me, and those two things clashing. And every parent wants to see their kid succeed.
Not every kid wants to see themselves succeed, but you can find that drive in your child.
Yeah. Not only does every parent want their kid to succeed, I believe that every parent
wants their kid to be better than they were, to have more opportunity, more successes,
more happiness. They want their next generation to be better. And I think that's part of the
fear I see in a lot of families right now is it is easy to stop and look around and
go, this isn't better. This isn't better than I had it.
Yeah, it's not better. But I would have loved to grow up in the 80s, 90s, but also I'm quite
outwardly queer. And if I was growing up in the 80s and 90s, it would have been more of
a shit show than my middle school. Oh yeah. I'm here to tell you, it was not.
Growing up in the 80s and 90s as somebody who identifies as gay was not pinatas and
unicorns and parades. Yeah. So even though the childhood experience
of kids is to some extent being robbed by the internet, also it's important to look
at there is such welcoming environments for your kids now if they have certain asynchronous
tendencies. Idiosyncrasies.
Idiosyncrasies that would have been frowned upon. And I think that the cultural model
for high schools has changed so much because it used to be, at least I look at movies and
talk to my parents, it used to be fairly hierarchical where jocks that were at the top. But now
I always call it cultural speciation. There are groups of 20 or 30 kids and there's no
hierarchy within it. It's just welcoming environments and nobody... Obviously there is mild bullying,
but I think way less than there was. And kids know not to be openly assholes because they
will get put in their place for that. It's the people who are being mean or taking advantage
of others that are frowned upon, not the kids that are being taken advantage of. Which I
think that is a really important cultural shift. So even though some things have gotten
worse and obviously in a big way, other things have gotten so much better. So just look,
I always look at the silver lining because I tend to poke holes in arguments. That's
the way my brain works or poke holes in situations and see the flaws in them. And I have to actively
adapt my thought patterns to not do that because if you focus purely on the negative without
seeing the flip side of it, you end up going to feel bad out of every situation that you
interact with. It's a no wins scenario. Yeah. It's zero silver lining. Yeah. I feel like
some of the stuff we're touching on now, we're going to have these conversations in the future.
I want to talk more with you about bullying. I want to talk more with you about the experience
of a young queer person about gender and about sexuality and about queer joy. And at the
end of the day, I feel like the kids are all right. And as adults, which is part of what
I think of this so powerful about these conversations today and in the future, the kids are all right.
And as adults, I think we have a lot to learn by listening to what you all have to say.
And just to touch on you saying that we were just skimming over these things, I feel like
this conversation, we've touched on a lot of things that we could spend hours talking
about. So this podcast in many ways is just a teaser for some of the conversations that
we can have because we're just organically going through the interests that we have.
Which was our model. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That was the idea for this podcast. Yeah.
And you know, this whole idea of inspired insights where we're not going to do the term
paper podcast on just one topic. We're going to talk about a whole lot of things. We're
going to skim surfaces. What would make me ecstatic is knowing that parents and youth
might listen to this and have this conversation in there in the car ride to school or at the
dinner table that night. We want to inspire folks to have these discussions, to try out
some of these discussions. You and I are both very big on stigma reduction, especially around
mental health and wellness. And by having to be able to just say the word suicide out
loud on a podcast is pretty taboo by itself. Yeah, we want to be able to break down some
of that stigma and give people permission to inspire them to have these conversations
in their own world, their own spaces. Yeah. And like, I see a lot of my friends, their
parents either get angry at them or afraid to talk about topics involving their mental
wellbeing because it's really scary as a parent to have your kid be like, Hey, I'm having
suicidal thoughts. So then the parent either has like, because they're having an extreme
adverse emotional reaction, they either get like angry. And I see that a lot with a lot
of my friends' parents and then just ignore it entirely. Or they like break down and then
the kid feels like they can never talk about it again because it's hurting their parents
or like hurting them. Yeah. Well, and that's one of the biggest stereotypes, you know,
as a clinical social worker, that's one of the biggest stereotypes about self harm and
suicide that I see over and over again, as families will say, but Chris, if I ask them
if they're feeling suicidal, I'm going to put the idea in their head and they're going
to do it. And it's going to be my fault because I said the S word to them and you're shaking
your head and I'm doing the same. Like, that's crazy. You've got to take that stereotype
and break down that stigma. Yeah. And like, obviously a lot of these things are normalized
online and I don't think that that's helpful, but exposure, like your kids already exposed
to these things and if they're in a bad mental space, it is super normalized to think about
that. So you getting involved in that conversation can only help because like kids, if they're
in a bad mental space, they're going to think about that external from whatever you say
and only you doing outreach and support can help them. Ignoring the topic just makes the
kid feel more alone. And I think like I did like a complete 180 and obviously that opportunity
has not been provided to the vast majority of children. Like if I had had even like 10%
less supportive parents, there's a very solid chance I'd be dead right now. Like very solid
chance I'd be dead right now because I was getting desperate in the end there. Yeah.
And because your parents, you know, you're again, you're and I know knowing your mom
as well as I do, you know, being a social worker in your professional life is way different
than being a mom and being a social worker in your own home. And so some of that stuff
goes out the window as well. But to your point by creating the space where it was okay to
talk about this, where you weren't going to be met with anger, with defensiveness, with
consequence or punishment, you were going to be met with, let's talk about it. Tell
me more about what you're going through. I want to understand. Made it safe for you to
say those words. And like I mentioned that I felt like I was digging myself an emotional
hole with like shame. Like I engage in a bad behavior and then I'd be like, oh my goodness,
my parents are so angry with me about this one. Really they were just sad. And scared.
Yeah. Yeah. And scared. And I was like, I can't even like bring myself to interact with
them because of this. Cause I was suffering with so much like shame and guilt. And I still
do to some extent. But the fact that they were open and willing to have that conversation
at all times and always kept like a fairly cool head with me, allowed me to break out
of that belief that it was an adversarial relationship. And it became like collaborative
effort. And like, like I said, conversating with like my mom or dad is such a major tool
in my toolkit. And I think like might be my most effective one. There's no doubt in my
mind that it is. Knowing you and knowing your family. There's no doubt in my mind. But I
just think that that's super important. And like, especially if your kid is suffering
with like a hostile, I guess environment in the school system. Or like I know that a lot
of kids feel like it's a hostile environment. Not maybe because they're actually being bullied,
but just because like they're falling behind on the workload and then they feel guilty
to their teachers. And then they can't complete the assignment because it's embarrassing to
turn them late. And then I don't suffer from a lot of anxiety. So I didn't even realize
that that was a perspective until I had a few in-depth conversations with a few of my
friends who are super, super intelligent, but just have awful grades. Because like,
there is a really emotional relationship that kids have to their schooling. And like they
feel obligated to their teachers to some extent. Especially like in the classes that I'm in,
like all the kids are the smartest kids in the school. And like that's our community.
And when we're not performing well grades wise, or we fall behind on work, it feels
like we're letting down our community. Yeah. Yeah. That's super powerful. Yeah. So like
even if your child isn't being bullied necessarily, it could school could be a really anxiety
provoking thing simply because of the workload, the way it's structured. And like, they feel
obligated to engage with it in a certain way. Yeah. Well, and in those situations, and I've
had these conversations with kids I've worked with and families I've worked with that in
those situations, it's almost like the kid is their own bully. You know, yeah, yeah,
we all have that voice, you know, RuPaul, one of my heroes, Ru, one of my heroes talks
about that inner saboteur. And that, you know, we all have that voice that says you're not
good enough. You're not attractive enough. You're not smart enough. You're never going
to be able to do this. And we're our own bullies in those situations. And so these kids, these
friends that you're talking about, they may not be bullied outwardly in a super traditional
sense of the word, but they're doing some internal bullying that in that monologue,
that inner narrative that is just constantly driving them down. Yeah, 100%. And like I
mentioned that I think that there's less bullying, but I also think that there's more self loving.
Yeah, right. Like, especially we look at these things like social media, kids aren't bullied
for their weight anymore. But kids are suffering from eating disorders at a higher rate. So
it's like, we are bullying ourselves, the weight that is being put on our back is placed
there by our own, like, I guess, undesirable self criticisms. Right? Yeah. And a lot of
social media like provides vision to people presenting themselves as better than like
your average human being. And like, I, I hate all the red pill content, because it's like,
being young boys to be like some alpha form of themselves. Every, everybody is imperfect.
Everybody struggles with issues. You can do things to be a lot healthier and perform better
in society. But also, like, you don't need to subscribe to an archetype of man or woman
or person that you feel you should be just be the best version of yourself, not a version
of someone else. Yeah, yeah, there's something so liberating about not having to sign on
the dotted line on this is who I am. And this is who I'm going to be for the rest of my
life. The other thing I'm thinking of is just the reality that that inner critic doesn't
ever really go away. You know, the older some of us have, we've got larger volume dials
that we're able to turn it down from time to time. But as I'm facing down the gun at
50 years old, even driving here tonight, that little voice was like, this is going to be
stupid. Nobody's going to care about this. This is going to be lame. You're going to
sound dumb. Like that critic is always there. We just learn different skills and different
approaches to just silence them from time to time. Yeah. I think that I my middle school
experience really silenced that for me a lot. Like, I don't feel obligated to do anything
that I don't want to, which is bad because it is bad in some ways and good in others
because it makes me feel like I don't have to do anything. I only do the things that
I want. It's balance. Yeah. Yeah. But also, like, I think the thing that led to that is
like, if I was criticizing the things that I was doing, then it would make me behave
in a way that wasn't me. And that was less comfortable than myself criticizing the way
that... And I think that in middle school, I would wear a different color pattern blazer
to school every day. I was on it. The fashion game was going crazy. But also, that led to
some pretty hot... Especially when I was on the football team, that was not accepted.
And if I was anxious about the way that I was presenting myself, then it would... You
need to be able to pull those things off. And even now, I've lost a lot of that outward
sparkle and become more academic, I think, because I worked to suppress that so heavily.
So now, it's on occasion that I bring things out like that rather than it just being me
every day. And I feel bad because I've lost a little bit of myself in that. But also,
I've gained insight and I don't feel obligated to do anything for anybody.
Yeah. I'm looking forward to talking with you more about the sparkle and the shine.
That's something I've been thinking a lot about lately about how we, unfortunately,
live in a world where we teach kids at a very early age to dull their own shine, to not
sparkle too brightly because they might blind somebody else. But again, it's balance. That
feels like the theme of tonight's conversation of, I want to be able to have a kid know they
can sparkle and shine as bright as the brightest star in the sky, but also realize the other
side to that is the world's not always going to appreciate the shine like I do. And so
rather than learn to dull or hide the shine, how do we accessorize the shine?
How do we match it with a cape, with a cloak so that we're not hiding it, but we're working
it?
I totally agree. And I think that kids sometimes don't know how to regulate the degrees to
which they express themselves, which sometimes results in problematic behavior or just not
talking at all. So I totally agree with accessorize it. Imbue it within yourself without it being
an aggressive thing that is compromising others. Make it something that is like you, but also
very socially cohesive.
Yeah. Make it your superpower.
Exactly.
So you can leverage it. You're in charge of it. You bring it out when it's time to bring
it out and you can pull it back when it's time to pull it back.
I used to have a lot of issues in class because I would just say anything I was thinking,
it would come right out my mouth. And sometimes the thing that I was thinking would be the
exact right answer and super important commentary on the class. And other times the thing that
I was thinking would be like vile nonsense that wasn't even that funny of a joke. So
I have had to spend a lot of time learning to code switch and control what I'm saying.
Regulate.
Yeah, regulate. And I'm not saying that I'm perfect at that at all. I still am pretty
bad relative to my peers at managing what I open my mouth and say in a classroom environment
or in a professional environment.
Yeah. And that's a skill that as somebody that's almost three times your age, that's
a skill we're all learning. There are moments in my life, probably every day, where the
stuff I want to yell isn't going to get me anywhere in my career or socially. So we learn
to regulate. And I think learning to regulate is different than dulling your shine. Learning
to regulate is about learning how to accessorize your shine.
Yeah, I totally agree.
Yeah. Well, Sorin, this has been a lot of fun. And I'm really looking forward to many
more of these conversations. I'm looking forward to getting some feedback from folks listening
to this one back, selling our own inner critics and just seeing where this is going to go.
This has been amazing.
Yeah, I think that this has been a super interesting conversation. I love talking to you. I think
that you have some really awesome insights and your philosophy and approach to the world
is something that I really enjoy and is similar to mine and I want to model mine after. And
yeah, this is really exciting. I am beaming with excitement.
I see your shine, my friend. Well, until the next time, I'm Chris McLaughlin.
I'm Sorin Peterson.
And we'll see you back on Inspired Insights.
Yes. Thank you so much for listening.