1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:24,880 So, Soren, folks are about to watch our premiere episode of the Inspired Insights podcast, 2 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:30,840 and we thought it would be important to record a little, maybe just a little spoiler of what 3 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:32,800 folks are about to see. 4 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:42,920 Yes. So we embarked on that journey, I'd say fairly ignorant of the technology which we 5 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:50,080 were taking advantage of. I showed up late because I was taking a nap and so did Chris 6 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:55,120 and my mom couldn't help us set up the recording business. 7 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:59,240 And this space that we're in, and one day folks might see the space we're in, but for 8 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:08,600 today, there's a lot of buttons and pieces to bring this to fruition. And unbeknownst 9 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:12,000 to us, 10 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:15,040 our mics were muted. 11 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:21,760 So fortunately, we were recording, fortunately, your mom is a brilliant editor and producer 12 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:26,240 that she doesn't even give herself credit for. Fortunately, artificial intelligence 13 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:32,800 exists. But we just thought it was important that people realize that, you know, part of 14 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:38,720 the inspired consulting group brand and part of what we want inspired insights podcast 15 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:43,200 to be about is this idea that we are all human. 16 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:44,200 Yeah. 17 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:50,920 That perfection is not even part of the journey that you and I are interested in being on, 18 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:55,520 that this is a work in progress. You and I, we are works in progress. Our best days are 19 00:01:55,520 --> 00:02:03,360 still ahead. And the best days for this podcast are still ahead. So we just want to explain 20 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:11,320 that this premiere episode is a longer episode. It is a little bit of an introduction to you 21 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:18,320 and I and the dynamics that we bring to this podcast. And this premiere episode is about 22 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:26,120 grace and vulnerability and asking our listeners to bear with us. 23 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:33,200 What you will see in the next couple episodes, I hope is an evolution of the process. And 24 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:38,480 we want to thank folks for joining us in this premiere episode and for sticking with us, 25 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:44,200 living with us, growing with us, evolving with us, and just being patient with us. 26 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:52,600 Yeah. And with all that said, I think that we managed to put together something all right. 27 00:02:52,600 --> 00:03:00,040 I'm very proud of what you and I and your mom have built here. And I'm excited for people 28 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:06,120 to see what the future episodes hold. So without further ado, you're about to listen to episode 29 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:15,720 one of the inspired insights podcast. Here we are. Take one. This is inspired insights 30 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:25,880 first podcast. I'm Sorin Peterson. I'm a junior at Hamden Academy. And I'm here with and I 31 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:30,240 am Chris McLaughlin. I'm a licensed clinical social worker here in the Bangor area. Hi 32 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:38,000 Sorin. Hi. This is really exciting. This is fun. I'd say yeah. This is my first time 33 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:43,360 with anything podcast and watching you put together this all this setup here has been 34 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:48,800 pretty interesting. Yeah, I'd say I'm no expert, but I try my best. I try my best. It looks 35 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:53,600 good. It looks like we're you know what we're doing here. So I'm excited to get chatting 36 00:03:53,600 --> 00:04:00,120 with you. Yeah, I think that there are a ton of interesting conversational topics that 37 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:08,240 we can explore with this. And we talked at a coffee shop a while ago, just prepping for 38 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:13,120 this and I think that we've got some natural chemistry. I think so too. I think we've got 39 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:19,120 a lot of a lot of interesting conversations ahead a lot of discussions to have. And I'm 40 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:23,640 hoping that as this conversation goes on, we can get folks who are listening to give 41 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:28,120 us some other ideas and other suggestions and feedback and have this thing grow over 42 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:37,520 time. Yeah, I think that it has the potential to be something really cool. I know for me 43 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:47,060 a big reason why I'm doing this is to do a little bit of outreach and try to get another 44 00:04:47,060 --> 00:04:55,760 experience like mine out for people to listen to and watch if you're seeing the video of 45 00:04:55,760 --> 00:05:06,640 me. Because I think that not a lot of youth that have had like mental struggles are able 46 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:13,600 to when they're still fairly young, talk about it eloquently. And I think that that is something 47 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:22,080 that's really an asset to me. And conversation has been something really important in my 48 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:29,560 processing of really everything and maintaining emotional stability and such. Yeah. Yeah. 49 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:35,840 Here's what I know about you. You are somebody who is an external processor like myself as 50 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:42,160 well. And so that ability to connect with other people, to share experiences, to learn 51 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:46,840 from other experiences, while also hoping others can learn from yours is a big part 52 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:51,960 of who you are. And you coming into your senior year of high school, and I know you are starting 53 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:56,440 to think about what comes next. After high school, you get a big trip next couple weeks 54 00:05:56,440 --> 00:06:04,240 from now. Yeah. Yeah. And so I'm hoping that as this conversation evolves over the next 55 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:09,640 couple weeks, months, who knows, you will also develop some insights even deeper into 56 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:14,480 yourself that you'll be able to share with the people that cross your path in the future 57 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:22,920 as well. Yeah. And I hope that what we do here and what we express here does resonate 58 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:31,720 with a lot of people, because I think that we'll be able to get at some really deep topics 59 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:40,080 that not a lot of people spend time thinking about and or even have the capacity to really 60 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:48,000 explore deeply by themselves. And I just really hope that people it resonates with people 61 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:58,880 and our experiences and your wisdom and my, I guess, most recent learning lived experiences. 62 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:08,320 I'm still in the learning phase, but can help other people grow and people relate to them. 63 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:14,520 Yeah, I think so too. I think so too. So, you know, I think as we're sitting here getting 64 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:19,440 ready to launch into this experiment in a lot of ways, I think it would be helpful to 65 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:25,520 just share with folks listening a little bit about you and some of that experience that 66 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:31,840 you're talking about, recognizing that, you know, even your ability to process through 67 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:37,960 it is still evolving. And so just being able to share openly that you have struggled with 68 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:42,760 some emotional health, mental health stuff. So I'm curious if you want to share anything 69 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:53,460 right now. Yeah, so like a lot of teens, I had a very, very difficult preteen and early 70 00:07:53,460 --> 00:08:06,040 high school experience that involved a lot of really dysfunctional behaviors like self 71 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:16,320 injury, a lot of destructive behaviors around like substance use and stuff. And I sort of 72 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:23,200 lost who I was, right. And I think I was running from who I was because like, a lot of my issues 73 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:32,400 were initially trauma related, and then like it festered. So I ended up like loathing everything 74 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:40,480 that I had been before the traumatic injury, because it just reminded me of that and was, 75 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:48,260 I had attached it to be the cause of that event. So I entirely changed my personality, 76 00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:58,400 my outlook on life, I became like deeply nihilistic. And I, it was really unfortunate, but like, 77 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:07,240 I actively tried to suppress the empathy that I had, because even like, feeling for others 78 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:12,280 would make me realize how deeply I was hurting, right. And I was hurting the people around 79 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:18,200 me. So I was just constantly wrapped with like guilt with that. So I felt like I was 80 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:25,160 taking myself this emotional hole, where I was guilty to be around my parents because 81 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:33,000 I was failing them, I felt like I was failing them actively. And I, like, whenever I would 82 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:40,080 get into my own head, I, it would just be a really unsafe environment for me, and I'd 83 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:49,740 end up doing something really dumb. So actually, as like my primary coping mechanism, which 84 00:09:49,740 --> 00:09:56,680 I think a lot of teens experience today, it was like social media addiction. Yeah. Not 85 00:09:56,680 --> 00:10:03,040 so much like Instagram, or stuff like, or TikTok, because I don't think that either 86 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:08,680 of those really have the things that I'm super interested in. But like, I was just constantly 87 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:19,560 on YouTube. And like eight hours a day. And I neglected my body, I was barely sleeping. 88 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:24,520 It was a whole situation. Yeah. And you know, one of the things I love about you, Soran, 89 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:30,520 is you are, you kind of have a foot in a couple different worlds with these conversations. 90 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:41,120 You have that, I'm a teen world, and the friend group that you have, represent a whole lot 91 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:48,400 of different, a different lived experiences within the teen population. So you've got 92 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:56,640 this really like insider view on what it feels like to be a young person in the world today. 93 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:06,640 And you have this ability to project yourself wiser beyond your years. And you've, I've 94 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:11,120 known you for a very long time. I've been friends with your family for a very long time. 95 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:18,640 You have always been like that. So I love to watch you vacillate between, I'm a teenager 96 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:25,320 and I'm doing teenager stuff. And you've got this 20,000 foot perspective on the world 97 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:33,680 around you and just very insightful and analytical. And you love to learn, you love to dig into 98 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:39,600 stuff. So to hear you talk about this YouTube addiction, knowing how much you love to learn. 99 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:45,240 Sometimes I'm sitting here wondering how much of that was you attempting to process through 100 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:49,160 and learn about what was going on for you and how much of it was an distraction? How 101 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:55,240 much of it was a defense mechanism, a coping strategy to get away from what you were dealing 102 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:56,240 with? 103 00:11:56,240 --> 00:12:08,380 Yeah, like I did, like it was engaging material, but ultimately it was escapism. And like I 104 00:12:08,380 --> 00:12:17,000 engaged with a lot of it was about like modern affairs. I spent a lot of time learning about 105 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:25,800 philosophy and like modern geopolitical environments. I got really into history and I still am really 106 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:36,320 into history. But I think the way I went about it both ignored the experience that I was 107 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:41,960 having and my emotions. It was very much trying to put myself in a world that was different 108 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,880 from where I was. 109 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,360 Yeah, that's that escapism. 110 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:56,520 And also by looking at modern events and all of these awful things that was going on around 111 00:12:56,520 --> 00:13:02,400 the world. And I think that like the news actively encourages this because like tragedy 112 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:10,520 is a moneymaker. So I would see all of these awful things going around me and I'd be like, 113 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:19,360 wow, the world is what I think it is. So I'd use it to justify my really like people loathing, 114 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:28,240 nihilistic worldview thinking that like everything was going to go to crap. And it really didn't 115 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:34,080 serve me to do that. Right. And now I watch that content and I'm like, wow, this is really 116 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:39,320 unfortunate. What can I do? And then I watch other content on what other people are doing 117 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:46,080 to like help these things. And I think because these things are so widely available in the 118 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:54,200 media, it makes a lot of people think that that's all that's going on when in reality, 119 00:13:54,200 --> 00:14:01,800 like right now in the world, we have the lowest incidence of extreme poverty rate in human 120 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:10,160 history. We have the lowest violence rates in human history. Like humanity in my eyes 121 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:18,000 is on the up and up. And every single day that we strive for more community and empathy 122 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:24,760 and we make technological developments is another opportunity to like better ourselves, 123 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:32,640 better humanity and be optimistic about the future. So I really am hopeful. And I've gone 124 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:40,080 from a place of like seeing awful things and being like, man, that justifies my like really 125 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:45,800 awful worldview and the behaviors that I'm doing because ultimately nothing matters. 126 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:51,400 And now I look at them and I'm like, wow, these things have weight. So it's important 127 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:58,520 for me to contribute as well. Yeah. You know, you're talking about this distinction of being 128 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:05,000 going from a passive consumer of media and just letting it wash over you to being more 129 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,560 active in that consumption, more intentional with what you're watching and how you're processing 130 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:17,040 what you're watching. And so I'm thinking a lot right now about how you talked about 131 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:21,400 the social media addiction and doom scrolling is something that gets a lot of attention 132 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:28,160 right now. And there's a lot of conversation about how much is too much is the addiction 133 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:36,480 to social media and short 30 second one minute clips. Is that an addiction? And I'm wondering 134 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:40,800 if you have thoughts from your own experience about what that felt like in your own body 135 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:47,480 and your own brain. I mean, I think it a hundred percent is like chemically, it's the exact 136 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:54,920 same thing. It's just always searching for a little bit of dopamine, right? Yeah. And 137 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:59,880 I don't really like the usage of neurotransmitters and like layman's terms, but like that is 138 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:04,880 literally what's happening. And like I've struggled with addiction issues without stuff 139 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:14,640 like self-harm, obviously using substances as like a escapism. And I think psychologically 140 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:22,240 the exact same thing, perhaps it's like less frowned upon and more normalized, but like 141 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:30,800 it is in my eyes, the exact same thing. And you noted like being an active consumer of 142 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:37,240 these things, obviously like you can't get away from it, but like kids nowadays, they 143 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:42,800 were born into it. It's not like they were, they got into it and can't get away. That's 144 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:49,600 just where they are. And like, we're not teaching small children how to be active consumers 145 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:55,960 and like sort through what they're viewing. And it's really difficult to, because parents 146 00:16:55,960 --> 00:17:01,040 don't know what their children have access to. If you have a wifi connection, your kid 147 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:07,080 is looking at some vile stuff. And I don't mean a fear monger, but like children are 148 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:13,040 desensitized nowadays and we don't know how to pick through the content that we are. Yeah. 149 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:17,800 And I don't even think to piggyback on your comments here, I don't even think we know 150 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:23,520 the damage that is being done. I feel like this is something that five, 10, 15 years 151 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:31,040 from now, somebody is going to say, this is the root cause of a lot of the social contagions 152 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:35,640 that we're struggling with now, but certainly might be exacerbated. So it's interesting 153 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:43,920 to hear you have this optimistic view on humanity and the direction we're going in when from 154 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:49,040 sometimes from my perspective, like I'm wringing my hands, running fingers through hair, but 155 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:56,760 little I have left going like we're in trouble. I worry, you know, as a social worker approaching 156 00:17:56,760 --> 00:18:04,520 50 years old, having worked with kids and families my entire career, seeing this acuity 157 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:12,640 in four year olds that I've never seen before. And that doesn't even, not to, not to minimize 158 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:18,880 what we're seeing in school age kids or preteens and teenagers and young adults, but the 159 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:23,440 acuity in four year olds is unlike anything I've seen before in the work I do with some 160 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:31,000 preschools. And so I'm, I'm worried for families. I'm worried for parents who maybe don't know, 161 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:34,000 but they don't know. 162 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:44,000 Yeah, I agree. So let's bring this down to some real like tangible, tangible suggestions 163 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:50,640 or recommendations. So from a 17 year old perspective, as somebody who by your own admission 164 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:57,320 struggled with this kind of addiction with consuming this type of media for hours and 165 00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:01,640 hours on day, what do you want families to know? What do you want parents to know? And 166 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:07,160 how do you empower a parent to take control of that? 167 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:12,720 Yeah, I mean, obviously it's really difficult because like kids scoff at parents when parents 168 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:16,360 try to give advice on these things because the kid is like, you don't know anything about 169 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:23,080 like what's happening. And it's really easy for kids to conceal what they're doing. So 170 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:29,560 obviously, I don't think that authoritarian like cracking down is an effective tool to 171 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:37,520 try to get kids to stop engaging with these things. But I know like something that really 172 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:45,400 was quite impactful in my realizing that the internet is not something integral to me is 173 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:53,680 like going outside and interacting with friends. Like during the summers, I like the summer 174 00:19:53,680 --> 00:20:03,760 in between eighth grade year and freshman year, I sat inside the entire time. Just scrolling, 175 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:09,400 like watching YouTube and playing video games. And we live in like a beautiful area where 176 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:16,880 there's tons of things to do like out and about. So I think like the outdoors and like 177 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:24,000 physical activity in that way, and interacting with peers one on one provides a far more 178 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:31,120 engaging experience than the internet. And like showing your kids that these things outside 179 00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:37,280 of the internet are super engaging and fun, because they totally can be. And I think they're 180 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:43,120 better than the internet can make the kids like look up and realize, Oh, this is more 181 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:47,640 fun than what I was doing. So I want to do this. It shouldn't be something where you're 182 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:54,880 like ordering stuff. It should be something where it's like just fun to not be on the 183 00:20:54,880 --> 00:21:03,240 internet. And I have so much more fun. Like reading books now I'm getting really into 184 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:11,600 and going on hikes than I ever would engaging in like a content machine. Yeah, yeah. You 185 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:16,480 know, what I hear you saying is that the because I said so because I'm the boss approach isn't 186 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:22,680 going to work. Let me throw a little curveball at you. So I work with a significant amount 187 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:30,880 of families who their kids regardless of the age are a little bit more introverted, maybe 188 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:39,480 a little bit more on the fringes of what might be the cool crowds. And so when I'm working 189 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:47,360 with a parent or a caregiver who is concerned because their child is a loner, maybe not 190 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:53,480 super accepted at school, maybe getting bullied. They don't have friends, they don't have a 191 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:58,880 lot of friends or any friends. And maybe there's no siblings or even neighbors. How does that 192 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:09,800 parent get that introverted shy kind of rejected and dejected kid out out in the world out 193 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:14,600 interacting with real humans when they're getting so much validation online, and they're 194 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:20,440 getting so much validation, they feel like they have friends in this digital space, who 195 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:27,760 you and I both know very well could be 30 year olds, men, 30 year old woman pretending 196 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:33,640 to be something they are not. But these can this kids and these kids brains, they are 197 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:41,280 connected, they do have friends, they don't need real life. Yeah, like, I, my current 198 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:53,680 friend group now is like, a lot of it's like mathletes. And they are those kids, right? 199 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:59,400 And they have formed communities online, like discord, specifically is like prolific. And 200 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:07,880 I love engaging with my friends on discord. And like, I think parents oftentimes discount 201 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:13,160 the relationships that kids have online, because they're not real relationships. And like, 202 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:18,760 you I don't mean to criticize you, but like, the fear mongering about how every person's 203 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:23,240 looking behind a corner on the internet trying to like take advantage of you. Yes, that is 204 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:27,900 a real problem. And yes, that does exist. And we need to safeguard for that. But also, 205 00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:34,640 you can't use that to discount your children's relationships. Like, I was talking to one 206 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:45,360 of my really good friends about his experience during COVID. And he is very, like very introverted, 207 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:52,120 you're like, very nerdy. He doesn't have, like, necessarily the social skills that a 208 00:23:52,120 --> 00:24:01,040 lot of his peers have. But he found a community online during COVID. And it was like eight 209 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:11,520 to 10 other people from an age range of like 15 to like, even 25. That was his only community 210 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:22,560 during COVID. And he mentioned how a that lack of, I guess, in person socialization 211 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:28,600 sort of resulted in him having less social skills now. But also how if he hadn't have 212 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:36,760 had that, how awful his COVID experience was. And I think that like, parents have a tendency 213 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:42,040 to vilify online relationships because they don't know the other people they can't they 214 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:49,720 can't vet them. And that's what yeah, there's a lot of fear there, obviously. But also just 215 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:55,720 like listen to your kid. I think obviously children don't necessarily know the best risk 216 00:24:55,720 --> 00:25:01,760 management skills. But like, if your child is engaging socially in a healthy way, that's 217 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:06,560 not like comparing themselves to others with something like Instagram. And they're just 218 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:12,440 having fun playing video games with a few friends that they met online. That can be 219 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:18,440 something totally healthy. And like it can be a stepping stone to real life in person 220 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:24,520 socialization. Like these kids are learning social skills on the internet. And it can 221 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:33,400 help them make new friends in person. Yeah. It's balance, right? Yeah, yeah. I totally 222 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:37,560 agree. Yeah. You know, that's kind of one of just my mantras personally and professionally 223 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:45,680 that too much of one thing is too much. And so to really try to find that balance between 224 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:53,960 this online relation, these online relationships, and to your earlier point, get out, do something, 225 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:59,960 go interact, go be part of these communities, these clubs, these groups of kids with similar 226 00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:08,840 interests, but it's about the balance. Yeah, totally. I agree. Like, my brother doesn't 227 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:18,320 spend any time playing video games. He's very physical. And very... Brutish is a bad word. 228 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:25,320 He's just like, he's physically oriented. He's athletic. He's like your typical jock. 229 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:33,440 And I'm very much not that. Yeah. And he sometimes demeans me for the way I engage with my friends 230 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:38,480 because I do spend a good amount of time, at least on the weekends, playing video games 231 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:46,240 with them because it's really fun. And like some of the experiences help me with real 232 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:54,840 life situations. But just like don't demean your children for the things that they enjoy. 233 00:26:54,840 --> 00:27:02,160 Instead, if you want them to like change mindset or shift the activities that they do for fun, 234 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:07,480 introduce them to stuff, right? Like children need to make these decisions organically because 235 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:11,860 if they... Especially like teens who are super rebellious, if they feel like something's 236 00:27:11,860 --> 00:27:17,080 being forced on them, they're gonna hate it. Even if it's awesome, they'll hate it if you're 237 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:22,240 forcing it on them. Yeah. Yeah. You're talking about balance again. Yeah, yeah. I know that 238 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:29,480 your Monday through Thursday schedule is ridiculous with school and homework and other activities 239 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:37,160 that you're involved with. And so it makes sense to be sore in that you are to the grind 240 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:43,560 Monday through Thursday and come the weekends, you wanna kick back, relax, sleep in, hang 241 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:49,400 out online, play with friends, just chill. So again, I hear you talking about balance. 242 00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:57,840 Yeah. And like every weekend, I have an in-person sleepover with some section of my friend group. 243 00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:07,480 And that's something that's really valuable to me. And I... Oh my goodness. It's contagious. 244 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:14,880 We're all smacking the legs. Messing with technology here. I've lost my train of thought. 245 00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:21,400 Sleepovers with friends. Oh yeah. Sleepovers with friends. That's something super valuable 246 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:25,880 and that should be encouraged. But like my friend, he struggles with a lot of like social 247 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:30,680 anxiety and anxiety around that. So that's not something that he can always do or bring 248 00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:36,020 himself to do because it's scary to sleep in a house with other people if you've never 249 00:28:36,020 --> 00:28:41,760 really done that. Yeah. It's scary to be in these overwhelming situations with like four 250 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:50,160 other kids that you might know or you might not really know. And the reverse of that is 251 00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:55,800 that it's super comfortable to be in my bedroom with my headset on. Yeah. With my online person. 252 00:28:55,800 --> 00:29:00,680 With my personal with my online friends being in a space that I'm in control of whether 253 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:08,280 I plug in or plug out. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, Meir is exactly what he was saying. Like it's 254 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:16,200 so comfortable. And it's like an environment which he's spent so much time in. Yeah. And 255 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:23,240 it's really like kids are engaging with healthy things on their own terms. Yeah. Right. And 256 00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:28,800 I think especially once you start getting into like junior year and senior year, a lot 257 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:35,160 of these high schoolers who during their like early high school career were behaving in 258 00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:45,280 unhealthy things. Like I know I was behaving in some really unhealthy ways. They learn 259 00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:55,400 to self regulate and they start to like examine the root of their behaviors. And I think especially 260 00:29:55,400 --> 00:30:01,840 like kids when they're freshman year don't think anything's gonna change. Yeah. And that 261 00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:08,640 is so short sighted. And I thought that nothing was going to change. Yeah. And I considered 262 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:16,320 like suicide a lot because I was like, well, if this is what it's going to be like, then 263 00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:24,480 this is not worth it. But like, everybody is always in a state of constant flux. And 264 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:31,680 getting like your kids to understand the transience of their own emotional state is really important. 265 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:36,960 Because if they don't understand that like things are going to change, then a sense of 266 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:41,680 permanent sense of sadness, that's where hopelessness takes seed. Yeah, that's so powerful. Like 267 00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:46,560 I was doing some work on a different project I'm involved with that I was reading some 268 00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:50,440 research from the Trevor Project. And for anybody out there listening and anybody that 269 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:58,160 knows me, and so you certainly know this one of my passions is working with LGBTQ plus youth 270 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:03,480 and their families. And so this research I was looking at today from Trevor was around 271 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:13,080 this correlation between life expectancy and life satisfaction. And to no surprise to me 272 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:21,560 or to you or maybe to others is when an individual what a young person sees value in what's going 273 00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:28,280 on for them now and they can envision a future that feels meaningful for them. They see themselves 274 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:37,280 as an imponder. Yeah. Conversely, if I don't see value, I don't see a future for myself. 275 00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:43,000 What's the point of living? What's the point of going on? And I start thinking about a 276 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:51,920 shortened life expectancy. Yeah, and I think some of that too is perspective like, I don't 277 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:55,480 know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what's going to happen in two years. 278 00:31:55,480 --> 00:32:00,440 But that's so exciting because there are so many different things that I can engage with 279 00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:08,760 and take advantage of. But I have another friend who spends a lot of time talking about 280 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:15,240 how he doesn't know what's going to happen and that makes him super anxious and crippling 281 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:22,960 fear. Yeah, crippling fear and hopelessness because he struggles a lot with managing workload 282 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:32,680 with school and he likes to game. And he doesn't balance that at all. No balance. And that's 283 00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:41,160 something that he is working through right now. But a lot of that too is perspective. 284 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:49,640 If you see adversity as something to grow or something unpredictable as an opportunity 285 00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:57,480 rather than a potential negative situation, then that really affects the way things turn 286 00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:03,200 out because I always like to think that life is a series of self-fulfilling prophecies. 287 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:06,360 And if you believe that tomorrow is going to be awesome and if you believe that you 288 00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:12,920 can do really awesome things, you're going to do them. Yeah. And that took you some time 289 00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:18,840 to get there. That's true. Yeah. That took you some time and going through the stuff 290 00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:26,480 you're going through in your not too distant past, that wasn't the case. That wasn't always 291 00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:35,240 the case for you. Yeah. Like I said with the self-fulfilling prophecies, in freshman year, 292 00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:46,600 I would wake up every morning and be so bummed out to continue existing. And I had the mindset 293 00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:56,640 where if I get behind on homework, it's okay, I'll just kill myself. So that was always 294 00:33:56,640 --> 00:34:05,760 the out for me. And I attempted on numerous occasions. So it was like whenever anything 295 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:16,280 bad happened, the hope was suicide. Like suicide replaces hope, which I think is crazy, but 296 00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:24,000 also so easy to understand how that happens. Yeah. Yeah. It's both heartbreaking and understandable. 297 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:30,640 I think a lot of what you and I have talked about leading up to today has been sort of 298 00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:37,920 this human condition and just how so much more connects us than divides us. And so I 299 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:47,080 think every human on this planet knows what it feels like to feel helpless, to feel hopeless. 300 00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:53,880 Not every human on this planet has seen suicide as an option though. And so there's that piece 301 00:34:53,880 --> 00:35:05,120 of something that separates one from another, something that you've evolved beyond now currently 302 00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:09,880 where that's not even an option. Like if I'm behind on my homework, shit, I got to get 303 00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:18,560 my homework done. Yeah. It's totally escaped my consciousness. Suicide used to be something 304 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:26,800 that was so prevalent in my worldview. It was there. It was constantly. I used to have 305 00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:33,280 dreams about it. It would just always be the excuse, the constant thing. I'd always be 306 00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:42,360 planning. It's crazy to me to think because I'm thinking constantly right now and it's 307 00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:49,800 about a wide variety of topics now, but then I was thinking constantly, but it was just 308 00:35:49,800 --> 00:36:00,760 about ending my own life. And that pervading everything, either suicide or thinking, oh, 309 00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:11,840 I'm going to go get messed up at some point later today. Or when I get home, I did smoke 310 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:18,760 a lot of weed. I'd get home and especially too, it's so easy to get as a child. You think 311 00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:25,880 that you're, I feel like I'm, this isn't fear mongering and I don't want parents to take 312 00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:34,400 away fear and feeling like they need to protect their kids, but just awareness. Me as a freshman 313 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:42,900 in high school could spend maybe 30 minutes asking random people and I would immediately 314 00:36:42,900 --> 00:36:52,240 have somebody in my phone that if I texted them, I could get illicit substances within 315 00:36:52,240 --> 00:36:59,520 an hour and it'd be dropped off at my house for like a $5 fee. 316 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:05,120 I think a couple of things that pop up for me right now, Sorin, I think about substances 317 00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:10,960 and I think about thoughts of suicide and they both, to me, there's a similarity there 318 00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:16,260 about escape. One is the ultimate escape. The other is a temporary escape, but they 319 00:37:16,260 --> 00:37:21,660 both serve a purpose. And I think the other thing I want to say just for folks listening 320 00:37:21,660 --> 00:37:26,760 is that nothing you are saying is going to be news to your parents. I think that's important 321 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:33,760 to also talk about that your parents have been by your side through all of this. Your 322 00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:39,560 mom's a social worker as well. Your dad is one of the most compassionate, empathic non-social 323 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:46,680 workers I've ever met. And so this has really been a family journey that you're not disclosing 324 00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:50,600 something here sitting with me now that your parents haven't heard yet. 325 00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:57,280 Yeah. I'm not blind-sighting my parents with anything. And that's been such an invaluable 326 00:37:57,280 --> 00:38:04,720 resource is my parents are understanding, they listen, they care, and they don't try 327 00:38:04,720 --> 00:38:09,520 to control, but they try to meld, right? They try to guide. 328 00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:13,040 That's a good way to put it. They meld. They do meld. 329 00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:17,960 And I think that that's such a better parenting model because I feel like I'm collaborating 330 00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:23,120 with them on creating a better me rather than them having a vision of me, me having a vision 331 00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:29,800 of me, and those two things clashing. And every parent wants to see their kid succeed. 332 00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:35,320 Not every kid wants to see themselves succeed, but you can find that drive in your child. 333 00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:39,800 Yeah. Not only does every parent want their kid to succeed, I believe that every parent 334 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:44,880 wants their kid to be better than they were, to have more opportunity, more successes, 335 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:52,960 more happiness. They want their next generation to be better. And I think that's part of the 336 00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:59,920 fear I see in a lot of families right now is it is easy to stop and look around and 337 00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:05,280 go, this isn't better. This isn't better than I had it. 338 00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:19,840 Yeah, it's not better. But I would have loved to grow up in the 80s, 90s, but also I'm quite 339 00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:25,840 outwardly queer. And if I was growing up in the 80s and 90s, it would have been more of 340 00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:30,160 a shit show than my middle school. Oh yeah. I'm here to tell you, it was not. 341 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:40,000 Growing up in the 80s and 90s as somebody who identifies as gay was not pinatas and 342 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:45,080 unicorns and parades. Yeah. So even though the childhood experience 343 00:39:45,080 --> 00:39:49,920 of kids is to some extent being robbed by the internet, also it's important to look 344 00:39:49,920 --> 00:40:00,000 at there is such welcoming environments for your kids now if they have certain asynchronous 345 00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:01,440 tendencies. Idiosyncrasies. 346 00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:09,760 Idiosyncrasies that would have been frowned upon. And I think that the cultural model 347 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:14,360 for high schools has changed so much because it used to be, at least I look at movies and 348 00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:21,120 talk to my parents, it used to be fairly hierarchical where jocks that were at the top. But now 349 00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:26,280 I always call it cultural speciation. There are groups of 20 or 30 kids and there's no 350 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:34,600 hierarchy within it. It's just welcoming environments and nobody... Obviously there is mild bullying, 351 00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:42,480 but I think way less than there was. And kids know not to be openly assholes because they 352 00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:49,240 will get put in their place for that. It's the people who are being mean or taking advantage 353 00:40:49,240 --> 00:40:54,920 of others that are frowned upon, not the kids that are being taken advantage of. Which I 354 00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:59,640 think that is a really important cultural shift. So even though some things have gotten 355 00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:05,120 worse and obviously in a big way, other things have gotten so much better. So just look, 356 00:41:05,120 --> 00:41:10,120 I always look at the silver lining because I tend to poke holes in arguments. That's 357 00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:15,520 the way my brain works or poke holes in situations and see the flaws in them. And I have to actively 358 00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:20,480 adapt my thought patterns to not do that because if you focus purely on the negative without 359 00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:28,520 seeing the flip side of it, you end up going to feel bad out of every situation that you 360 00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:34,440 interact with. It's a no wins scenario. Yeah. It's zero silver lining. Yeah. I feel like 361 00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:39,760 some of the stuff we're touching on now, we're going to have these conversations in the future. 362 00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:45,000 I want to talk more with you about bullying. I want to talk more with you about the experience 363 00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:55,240 of a young queer person about gender and about sexuality and about queer joy. And at the 364 00:41:55,240 --> 00:42:01,960 end of the day, I feel like the kids are all right. And as adults, which is part of what 365 00:42:01,960 --> 00:42:08,040 I think of this so powerful about these conversations today and in the future, the kids are all right. 366 00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:14,760 And as adults, I think we have a lot to learn by listening to what you all have to say. 367 00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:19,440 And just to touch on you saying that we were just skimming over these things, I feel like 368 00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:24,400 this conversation, we've touched on a lot of things that we could spend hours talking 369 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:29,760 about. So this podcast in many ways is just a teaser for some of the conversations that 370 00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:35,880 we can have because we're just organically going through the interests that we have. 371 00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:40,040 Which was our model. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That was the idea for this podcast. Yeah. 372 00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:45,520 And you know, this whole idea of inspired insights where we're not going to do the term 373 00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:50,000 paper podcast on just one topic. We're going to talk about a whole lot of things. We're 374 00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:56,720 going to skim surfaces. What would make me ecstatic is knowing that parents and youth 375 00:42:56,720 --> 00:43:01,600 might listen to this and have this conversation in there in the car ride to school or at the 376 00:43:01,600 --> 00:43:09,160 dinner table that night. We want to inspire folks to have these discussions, to try out 377 00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:14,480 some of these discussions. You and I are both very big on stigma reduction, especially around 378 00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:19,520 mental health and wellness. And by having to be able to just say the word suicide out 379 00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:25,720 loud on a podcast is pretty taboo by itself. Yeah, we want to be able to break down some 380 00:43:25,720 --> 00:43:32,400 of that stigma and give people permission to inspire them to have these conversations 381 00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:37,800 in their own world, their own spaces. Yeah. And like, I see a lot of my friends, their 382 00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:46,720 parents either get angry at them or afraid to talk about topics involving their mental 383 00:43:46,720 --> 00:43:53,680 wellbeing because it's really scary as a parent to have your kid be like, Hey, I'm having 384 00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:59,600 suicidal thoughts. So then the parent either has like, because they're having an extreme 385 00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:04,280 adverse emotional reaction, they either get like angry. And I see that a lot with a lot 386 00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:09,800 of my friends' parents and then just ignore it entirely. Or they like break down and then 387 00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:13,640 the kid feels like they can never talk about it again because it's hurting their parents 388 00:44:13,640 --> 00:44:18,040 or like hurting them. Yeah. Well, and that's one of the biggest stereotypes, you know, 389 00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:22,280 as a clinical social worker, that's one of the biggest stereotypes about self harm and 390 00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:28,320 suicide that I see over and over again, as families will say, but Chris, if I ask them 391 00:44:28,320 --> 00:44:32,280 if they're feeling suicidal, I'm going to put the idea in their head and they're going 392 00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:38,400 to do it. And it's going to be my fault because I said the S word to them and you're shaking 393 00:44:38,400 --> 00:44:43,560 your head and I'm doing the same. Like, that's crazy. You've got to take that stereotype 394 00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:49,040 and break down that stigma. Yeah. And like, obviously a lot of these things are normalized 395 00:44:49,040 --> 00:44:56,200 online and I don't think that that's helpful, but exposure, like your kids already exposed 396 00:44:56,200 --> 00:45:03,960 to these things and if they're in a bad mental space, it is super normalized to think about 397 00:45:03,960 --> 00:45:11,920 that. So you getting involved in that conversation can only help because like kids, if they're 398 00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:18,080 in a bad mental space, they're going to think about that external from whatever you say 399 00:45:18,080 --> 00:45:25,320 and only you doing outreach and support can help them. Ignoring the topic just makes the 400 00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:34,040 kid feel more alone. And I think like I did like a complete 180 and obviously that opportunity 401 00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:41,160 has not been provided to the vast majority of children. Like if I had had even like 10% 402 00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:47,080 less supportive parents, there's a very solid chance I'd be dead right now. Like very solid 403 00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:50,800 chance I'd be dead right now because I was getting desperate in the end there. Yeah. 404 00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:55,640 And because your parents, you know, you're again, you're and I know knowing your mom 405 00:45:55,640 --> 00:45:59,720 as well as I do, you know, being a social worker in your professional life is way different 406 00:45:59,720 --> 00:46:04,480 than being a mom and being a social worker in your own home. And so some of that stuff 407 00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:11,720 goes out the window as well. But to your point by creating the space where it was okay to 408 00:46:11,720 --> 00:46:16,400 talk about this, where you weren't going to be met with anger, with defensiveness, with 409 00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:21,920 consequence or punishment, you were going to be met with, let's talk about it. Tell 410 00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:29,320 me more about what you're going through. I want to understand. Made it safe for you to 411 00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:34,880 say those words. And like I mentioned that I felt like I was digging myself an emotional 412 00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:39,440 hole with like shame. Like I engage in a bad behavior and then I'd be like, oh my goodness, 413 00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:44,400 my parents are so angry with me about this one. Really they were just sad. And scared. 414 00:46:44,400 --> 00:46:50,520 Yeah. Yeah. And scared. And I was like, I can't even like bring myself to interact with 415 00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:55,000 them because of this. Cause I was suffering with so much like shame and guilt. And I still 416 00:46:55,000 --> 00:47:01,040 do to some extent. But the fact that they were open and willing to have that conversation 417 00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:08,040 at all times and always kept like a fairly cool head with me, allowed me to break out 418 00:47:08,040 --> 00:47:15,120 of that belief that it was an adversarial relationship. And it became like collaborative 419 00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:25,840 effort. And like, like I said, conversating with like my mom or dad is such a major tool 420 00:47:25,840 --> 00:47:32,160 in my toolkit. And I think like might be my most effective one. There's no doubt in my 421 00:47:32,160 --> 00:47:38,680 mind that it is. Knowing you and knowing your family. There's no doubt in my mind. But I 422 00:47:38,680 --> 00:47:42,480 just think that that's super important. And like, especially if your kid is suffering 423 00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:50,800 with like a hostile, I guess environment in the school system. Or like I know that a lot 424 00:47:50,800 --> 00:47:57,320 of kids feel like it's a hostile environment. Not maybe because they're actually being bullied, 425 00:47:57,320 --> 00:48:00,580 but just because like they're falling behind on the workload and then they feel guilty 426 00:48:00,580 --> 00:48:05,440 to their teachers. And then they can't complete the assignment because it's embarrassing to 427 00:48:05,440 --> 00:48:11,400 turn them late. And then I don't suffer from a lot of anxiety. So I didn't even realize 428 00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:15,720 that that was a perspective until I had a few in-depth conversations with a few of my 429 00:48:15,720 --> 00:48:22,080 friends who are super, super intelligent, but just have awful grades. Because like, 430 00:48:22,080 --> 00:48:28,600 there is a really emotional relationship that kids have to their schooling. And like they 431 00:48:28,600 --> 00:48:34,160 feel obligated to their teachers to some extent. Especially like in the classes that I'm in, 432 00:48:34,160 --> 00:48:39,520 like all the kids are the smartest kids in the school. And like that's our community. 433 00:48:39,520 --> 00:48:44,560 And when we're not performing well grades wise, or we fall behind on work, it feels 434 00:48:44,560 --> 00:48:51,640 like we're letting down our community. Yeah. Yeah. That's super powerful. Yeah. So like 435 00:48:51,640 --> 00:48:55,940 even if your child isn't being bullied necessarily, it could school could be a really anxiety 436 00:48:55,940 --> 00:49:05,720 provoking thing simply because of the workload, the way it's structured. And like, they feel 437 00:49:05,720 --> 00:49:10,200 obligated to engage with it in a certain way. Yeah. Well, and in those situations, and I've 438 00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:14,400 had these conversations with kids I've worked with and families I've worked with that in 439 00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:18,520 those situations, it's almost like the kid is their own bully. You know, yeah, yeah, 440 00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:23,040 we all have that voice, you know, RuPaul, one of my heroes, Ru, one of my heroes talks 441 00:49:23,040 --> 00:49:28,480 about that inner saboteur. And that, you know, we all have that voice that says you're not 442 00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:32,400 good enough. You're not attractive enough. You're not smart enough. You're never going 443 00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:38,960 to be able to do this. And we're our own bullies in those situations. And so these kids, these 444 00:49:38,960 --> 00:49:44,040 friends that you're talking about, they may not be bullied outwardly in a super traditional 445 00:49:44,040 --> 00:49:49,520 sense of the word, but they're doing some internal bullying that in that monologue, 446 00:49:49,520 --> 00:49:55,480 that inner narrative that is just constantly driving them down. Yeah, 100%. And like I 447 00:49:55,480 --> 00:50:00,680 mentioned that I think that there's less bullying, but I also think that there's more self loving. 448 00:50:00,680 --> 00:50:05,080 Yeah, right. Like, especially we look at these things like social media, kids aren't bullied 449 00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:11,600 for their weight anymore. But kids are suffering from eating disorders at a higher rate. So 450 00:50:11,600 --> 00:50:18,320 it's like, we are bullying ourselves, the weight that is being put on our back is placed 451 00:50:18,320 --> 00:50:29,200 there by our own, like, I guess, undesirable self criticisms. Right? Yeah. And a lot of 452 00:50:29,200 --> 00:50:36,040 social media like provides vision to people presenting themselves as better than like 453 00:50:36,040 --> 00:50:42,240 your average human being. And like, I, I hate all the red pill content, because it's like, 454 00:50:42,240 --> 00:50:49,160 being young boys to be like some alpha form of themselves. Every, everybody is imperfect. 455 00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:55,160 Everybody struggles with issues. You can do things to be a lot healthier and perform better 456 00:50:55,160 --> 00:51:03,600 in society. But also, like, you don't need to subscribe to an archetype of man or woman 457 00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:13,320 or person that you feel you should be just be the best version of yourself, not a version 458 00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:20,840 of someone else. Yeah, yeah, there's something so liberating about not having to sign on 459 00:51:20,840 --> 00:51:24,760 the dotted line on this is who I am. And this is who I'm going to be for the rest of my 460 00:51:24,760 --> 00:51:34,280 life. The other thing I'm thinking of is just the reality that that inner critic doesn't 461 00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:39,800 ever really go away. You know, the older some of us have, we've got larger volume dials 462 00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:45,400 that we're able to turn it down from time to time. But as I'm facing down the gun at 463 00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:51,720 50 years old, even driving here tonight, that little voice was like, this is going to be 464 00:51:51,720 --> 00:51:55,200 stupid. Nobody's going to care about this. This is going to be lame. You're going to 465 00:51:55,200 --> 00:52:01,880 sound dumb. Like that critic is always there. We just learn different skills and different 466 00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:11,240 approaches to just silence them from time to time. Yeah. I think that I my middle school 467 00:52:11,240 --> 00:52:20,800 experience really silenced that for me a lot. Like, I don't feel obligated to do anything 468 00:52:20,800 --> 00:52:25,360 that I don't want to, which is bad because it is bad in some ways and good in others 469 00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:29,040 because it makes me feel like I don't have to do anything. I only do the things that 470 00:52:29,040 --> 00:52:36,560 I want. It's balance. Yeah. Yeah. But also, like, I think the thing that led to that is 471 00:52:36,560 --> 00:52:43,440 like, if I was criticizing the things that I was doing, then it would make me behave 472 00:52:43,440 --> 00:52:48,520 in a way that wasn't me. And that was less comfortable than myself criticizing the way 473 00:52:48,520 --> 00:52:55,880 that... And I think that in middle school, I would wear a different color pattern blazer 474 00:52:55,880 --> 00:53:02,920 to school every day. I was on it. The fashion game was going crazy. But also, that led to 475 00:53:02,920 --> 00:53:07,880 some pretty hot... Especially when I was on the football team, that was not accepted. 476 00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:13,840 And if I was anxious about the way that I was presenting myself, then it would... You 477 00:53:13,840 --> 00:53:20,520 need to be able to pull those things off. And even now, I've lost a lot of that outward 478 00:53:20,520 --> 00:53:26,760 sparkle and become more academic, I think, because I worked to suppress that so heavily. 479 00:53:26,760 --> 00:53:32,760 So now, it's on occasion that I bring things out like that rather than it just being me 480 00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:39,440 every day. And I feel bad because I've lost a little bit of myself in that. But also, 481 00:53:39,440 --> 00:53:44,520 I've gained insight and I don't feel obligated to do anything for anybody. 482 00:53:44,520 --> 00:53:51,680 Yeah. I'm looking forward to talking with you more about the sparkle and the shine. 483 00:53:51,680 --> 00:53:57,560 That's something I've been thinking a lot about lately about how we, unfortunately, 484 00:53:57,560 --> 00:54:03,400 live in a world where we teach kids at a very early age to dull their own shine, to not 485 00:54:03,400 --> 00:54:09,320 sparkle too brightly because they might blind somebody else. But again, it's balance. That 486 00:54:09,320 --> 00:54:17,480 feels like the theme of tonight's conversation of, I want to be able to have a kid know they 487 00:54:17,480 --> 00:54:24,680 can sparkle and shine as bright as the brightest star in the sky, but also realize the other 488 00:54:24,680 --> 00:54:29,760 side to that is the world's not always going to appreciate the shine like I do. And so 489 00:54:29,760 --> 00:54:35,520 rather than learn to dull or hide the shine, how do we accessorize the shine? 490 00:54:35,520 --> 00:54:44,960 How do we match it with a cape, with a cloak so that we're not hiding it, but we're working 491 00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:46,360 it? 492 00:54:46,360 --> 00:54:53,760 I totally agree. And I think that kids sometimes don't know how to regulate the degrees to 493 00:54:53,760 --> 00:55:01,160 which they express themselves, which sometimes results in problematic behavior or just not 494 00:55:01,160 --> 00:55:11,240 talking at all. So I totally agree with accessorize it. Imbue it within yourself without it being 495 00:55:11,240 --> 00:55:21,000 an aggressive thing that is compromising others. Make it something that is like you, but also 496 00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:22,800 very socially cohesive. 497 00:55:22,800 --> 00:55:24,400 Yeah. Make it your superpower. 498 00:55:24,400 --> 00:55:25,400 Exactly. 499 00:55:25,400 --> 00:55:28,400 So you can leverage it. You're in charge of it. You bring it out when it's time to bring 500 00:55:28,400 --> 00:55:33,080 it out and you can pull it back when it's time to pull it back. 501 00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:38,320 I used to have a lot of issues in class because I would just say anything I was thinking, 502 00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:42,840 it would come right out my mouth. And sometimes the thing that I was thinking would be the 503 00:55:42,840 --> 00:55:48,200 exact right answer and super important commentary on the class. And other times the thing that 504 00:55:48,200 --> 00:55:55,960 I was thinking would be like vile nonsense that wasn't even that funny of a joke. So 505 00:55:55,960 --> 00:56:02,360 I have had to spend a lot of time learning to code switch and control what I'm saying. 506 00:56:02,360 --> 00:56:03,360 Regulate. 507 00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:09,360 Yeah, regulate. And I'm not saying that I'm perfect at that at all. I still am pretty 508 00:56:09,360 --> 00:56:16,700 bad relative to my peers at managing what I open my mouth and say in a classroom environment 509 00:56:16,700 --> 00:56:20,080 or in a professional environment. 510 00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:29,080 Yeah. And that's a skill that as somebody that's almost three times your age, that's 511 00:56:29,080 --> 00:56:35,160 a skill we're all learning. There are moments in my life, probably every day, where the 512 00:56:35,160 --> 00:56:44,360 stuff I want to yell isn't going to get me anywhere in my career or socially. So we learn 513 00:56:44,360 --> 00:56:53,240 to regulate. And I think learning to regulate is different than dulling your shine. Learning 514 00:56:53,240 --> 00:56:57,000 to regulate is about learning how to accessorize your shine. 515 00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:59,160 Yeah, I totally agree. 516 00:56:59,160 --> 00:57:05,800 Yeah. Well, Sorin, this has been a lot of fun. And I'm really looking forward to many 517 00:57:05,800 --> 00:57:10,200 more of these conversations. I'm looking forward to getting some feedback from folks listening 518 00:57:10,200 --> 00:57:16,800 to this one back, selling our own inner critics and just seeing where this is going to go. 519 00:57:16,800 --> 00:57:17,800 This has been amazing. 520 00:57:17,800 --> 00:57:23,320 Yeah, I think that this has been a super interesting conversation. I love talking to you. I think 521 00:57:23,320 --> 00:57:28,800 that you have some really awesome insights and your philosophy and approach to the world 522 00:57:28,800 --> 00:57:35,680 is something that I really enjoy and is similar to mine and I want to model mine after. And 523 00:57:35,680 --> 00:57:40,280 yeah, this is really exciting. I am beaming with excitement. 524 00:57:40,280 --> 00:57:46,040 I see your shine, my friend. Well, until the next time, I'm Chris McLaughlin. 525 00:57:46,040 --> 00:57:47,040 I'm Sorin Peterson. 526 00:57:47,040 --> 00:57:49,680 And we'll see you back on Inspired Insights. 527 00:57:49,680 --> 00:58:09,360 Yes. Thank you so much for listening.