This is Lightly Used with Adam and Karen. Welcome
to episode 38 of Lightly Used with me, Karen,
and him across me, Mr. Adam. Hello. Sorry, I'm
mid -yawn. I was trying to be quiet. I timed
that poorly. That was such a professional start.
Oh my goodness. I thought you were going to talk
for just a little bit longer so I could finish
stretching. There we go. Do you want me to restart?
No, I've stretched now. You've stretched now.
Yes, hello, welcome. Thanks for tuning in, listening
and pressing the play button. Hopefully you won't
press the pause button and escape from us too
soon. What have we got on the show today? Well,
before we get started, you know I had the...
I was talking about those missed calls. Yeah.
I had a voicemail. Oh. Because I've kept sending
it in. If I don't know the number or if it's
withheld, I'll just send it the voicemail. Yeah.
The withheld one, nothing. There was one number
I didn't recognise, so I sent out the voicemail.
Let me see if I can get any signal here to play
this for you. Is that because the studio's a
black hole? Because of the Faraday cage that
we're recording for professional purposes. [MESSAGE is 3 seconds of slightly out of breath breathing] What?
That's the message. Turn it up? [MESSAGE REPLAYS] That's the whole
thing? Yeah. Sounds disturbingly like someone
enjoying themselves. They could have just been
walking. I guess so. I mean, my mind has immediately
gone to rude things. So maybe that says more
about me than the person that's left the voicemail.
deeply concerning. Have you tried calling the
number back? Oh, no, no, no. If it can be involved
leaving me a proper message, I'm not spending
my time ringing them back. So now you've doxxed
the phone number for all of our two listeners.
I'll be cutting that out. If I get another mystery
number calling me or withheld, should I just
answer it and see what they want? I think you
should. Like, what's the worst that can happen?
Dr Pepper moment. Weird. I might brave it next
time then. Weird mystery voicemail. I bought
some playing stuff from my phone. I've got to
take issue with you from last episode. Oh, no.
You guessed at me. I didn't. I swear I didn't
mean to. I'm sorry. I think this says more about
me than you, actually, to be fair. Within a few
seconds, you convinced me something happened
that didn't. And I apologised for it. Because
I was editing last episode's Tat in the Box.
Oh, I'll play it for you. Here we go. So instead
of me talking about it. I will say, because you
let me know before we started recording today
that this was going to come up in conversation.
The one time I've said something's coming up
in the show. Yeah. Otherwise we just keep everything
to ourselves. Yeah, normally we do. But I had
to listen to this segment three times before
I could identify exactly what I'd done. And then
I felt the shame. So press play, my love. There
we go. This is from last episode's Tat in the
Box. Oh, it's a small thing. It appears to have
a flat bottom. Hmm. It could be some sort of
rubber chicken. Materials kind of, right? It's
definitely like... Well, it might not have had
a squeak in it, but it's got a safety hole in
it. Well, no, because there's only one hole.
That's meant to be there. What, the hole? It's
a design feature, the hole. That could be an
arm. That could be an arm, which makes those
hands. It's not a safety feature. It's part of
the purpose of it. That could be a golf club.
Was it a squeaky thing or is it to fire water
at? Like a bath toy. Good sound effect. There
we go. Is it like, I don't know, like a... It's
the wrong shape. You're right, it's a water squirter.
It could be an M &M holding like, I don't know,
some golf clubs or something. Obsessive golf
clubs. No, it's an animal. It's an animal. The
head shape of one. Otherwise, I'll give it to
you from the water squirter. So that's not ears?
No. That's a protrusion of some sort. Nor the
bit where your thumb is there, not ears either.
And this is face, where I thought could be arms?
Yes. So this is nose? No. Where your thumb's
other hand is, your right hand. Sorry, left hand
is nose. This is the nose? Yes. So when I asked,
is this the head, and you said no? Sorry. I missed
you. Sorry. It's all right. It's all right. Sorry
for giving it up for you. I sound like such a
bitch. Does it have a face? It's a face. Yeah,
being a head. I'm being a head. I've no idea
what the actual character is, but it's a rubber
water squirter. So you were guessing for about
one minute, ten seconds. Because I was looking
at this when I was editing this. One minute,
ten seconds of guessing. Then I say, it's an
animal. The head shape of one. You start guessing
facial features. 31 seconds later, you accuse
me of saying no when you ask me if it was a head.
I told you it was a head. And then you can hear
my confusion. Did that happen? My lack of self
-confidence. Makes me immediately assume I'm
in the wrong. I'm so sorry. I'm crying laughing.
Oh, my God. Before my very ears and across the
table from me. I'm so sorry. Unbelievable. Dear
listener, or one of you. Oh, my God. Matt, what
do you think? Don't ask him. Matt is my witness.
Matt is our what? Our sole listener. He's our
pod moderator, is he? Poderator. We're putting
a lot of hats on our audience. I am genuinely
appalled at my own behaviour. Shocked that I
would accuse you. of not giving me the facts
when I'd asked you for them, even though I had
not asked the thing that I said I'd asked. This
is not the first time I've been accused of gaslighting
someone, but this is the funniest situation.
I'm very sorry. I'm hoping they didn't have receipts.
Gaslighting is not something that... I live by.
I try to be quite a good person in general. I
have no excuses, no reasons. I'm just very sorry.
No, again, I thought it said more about me than
you. Oh, such a bitch. And I sounded like such
a bitch as well. And I was like, oh, so when
I asked you if it was a head and you said no.
And you're like, oh, I'm sorry. And I'm like,
yeah, no, it's OK. You're doing me out of guesses.
Yeah, I'm like, Karen, I Karen'd you. I'm so
sorry. I genuinely have got tears coming out
of my eyes. I'm not crying, it's because I've
laughed so hard. But I'm really sorry, very sorry.
You're forgiven. Thank you, I appreciate that.
Whilst we're on the subject of sorries, I have
one to issue. So I did listen back to the last
episode, and I... I don't know if it was because
it was late when we were recording or if I was
tired, if I just desperately wanted to not be
recording or whatever it was that was going on
in my mind. I have not counted them, but primarily
to my mother and father, who raised me reasonably
well, to be fair. I'm very sorry for the excessive
amount of swearing. I was like... Every third
word is fuck. That wasn't what we bleeped out
of the last episode. No. So I'm going to try
and make a concerted effort to swear less today.
We'll see how this goes. We'll see how it pans
out. If anybody wants to count Karen's swears,
I'll come up with some sort of graph over time,
whether the swears have increased exponentially.
Feel free. But do not use AI. I'm sure you could
build an algorithm. Even though it's the perfect
use. We don't need to be using that much water.
Yeah. Just to count swears. Yeah, just do a tally.
We'll just assume there's been a lot. And F's
versus C's I'd be interested in if anyone's bored
enough. But yeah, I'm going to try really hard
not to swear quite so much today. Sorry, mum
and dad. Terrible daughter. Going back again
to last episode. Oh, God. You can tell I've not
been up to much. Yeah, neither of us have, to
be fair. We've been very quiet. Last episode,
there was a noise when the ring light blew. Yes.
Just a coincidence, something fell over in the
kitchen at exactly the same second. Yeah, you've
got a ghost. Who decided to push some bin bags?
Those bin bags seem to be falling over quite
a lot for some reason. I don't know what's going
on there. I can't comment on gravity versus bin
bags. I'm not scientific enough. But my conclusion
is you've got a ghost. Make something move now.
I didn't scare it off. I don't think you're mocking
it. I don't know how ghosts work. Does anybody?
The experiment's failed now. You start making
fun of it. I'm not making fun of it. I'm so scared.
That's the noise you make, isn't it, ghosts?
That's your noise. Yeah, it is. And when I'm
a ghost, I'm going to be a classic effing wooer
as well. Does that count as not swearing? I think
you can get away with that. On the show today,
we've got some more Johnny Turnip on the way
very shortly. We have a tat in the box, a donate
and tat guessing thing. Yeah, that's the one.
Yeah, that's what we're calling it, the official
thing. Yeah, that's the one. It's a, yeah, it's
one of those. And we've done a special recording
session last week. So we will be including Sky
Joe this episode. Just for my mum. Finally. Sorry,
Karen's mum. Better late than never. It turns
out it's quite a good game. Yeah, I thoroughly
enjoyed it. It was good fun. And you will hear
me enjoying myself. and potentially hear Adam
saying he doesn't want a second round depending
on how he edits the segment but we played two
rounds and you might potentially see it if we
can find the time to learn how to edit it oh
god yeah I know I'm still six weeks down the
line yeah I've still got videos to edit I'm terrible
so sorry chronically ill and finally we've got
a book to round out the show yeah we have actually
I got a book. I've done well. I've even put post
-it notes in it. Hey, I didn't get a book ready
last time. No, but we have snacks. That was okay.
Any random chatting points or should we crack
on? I've done nothing else to talk about. Let's
crack on. Okay. This edition of Likely Used News
comes from the Abergavenny Chronicle. on Monday
the 16th of September, 2024, by Tim Butters.
Abigavennyman claims he knows things no mere
mortal should. And Abigavennyman, who claims
he had an out -of -body experience at the Green
Man Festival, told the Chronicle he is now burdened
with a sort of forbidden knowledge no mortal
should have to bear. I'm not one to whinge, explained
semi -professional paranormal investigator Johnny
Turnip. But when you've been ordered by the triple
goddess to hunt down a mermaid and make her cry
just so the green man can drink her tears and
take proper care of the planet again, well, it's
a heavy burden to bear. Not only do I know things
no mere mortal should, but the gods have compelled
me to do things that will make bloody Jason and
the Argonauts weep. Turnip claims that after
an out -of -body experience at this year's Green
Man Festival, he conversed with an ancient pagan
deity who told him that only he alone could save
the planet from an extinction -level event. Realising
the fate of the planet was in his hands, and
he had no time to waste, Turner quickly called
an emergency war council. He told the Chronicle,
After discussing the latest developments with
Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul, we'll agree to
have a drink, watch the Jesus and Mary Chain
set, and sleep on it before we went mermaid hunting.
Turner banded. Looking back, we should have left
the festival straight away. But Big Tony got
so excited at the thought of playing pirates
and chasing mythical sea beasts, he overdid it
on the fortified cider and started walking around
the place screaming, Call me a shmell! to random
passers -by before collapsing in a puddle of
his own urine. It was a tragic sight, made even
worse by the fact that Tony had come to the Green
Man dressed as the Incredible Hulk. I'd forgotten
he was dressed like the Hulk. I remember Paul
lightning a fag and gently kicking the prostate
bulk of Tony in disgust before snarling, Call
yourself an Avenger? You wouldn't even make the
Teen Titans, pal. Anyhow, we managed to find
a tent without any people in it, and after dragging
Torn in to sleep it off, Paul rummaged around
inside until he found some lipstick under Torn's
chest. Don't wake him. You wouldn't like him
when he's angry. Thanks for letting him stay.
We'll collect him when we've saved the world.
Lots of love, Captain America and Thor. Brilliant.
Sniggering, we set out to see how badly the Jesus
and Mary chain had aged. Turnip recalled, To
be honest, I quite enjoyed seeing the Reid brothers
back on stage. They're still moody tarts who
never learn to smile, but they know how to rock
and roll, and for Scottish goth types, they're
alright. It was Puerto Rico Paul who caused the
problems. As a massive Duran Duran fan, he came
to the festival dressed as his hero Simon Le
Bon. And you've got to give it to Paul. Even
back in the day when we were all listening to
The Jam and Madness, he was singing the virtues
of the new romantics, and he stayed true to that
dream. He even does his own Simon Le Bon tribute
act, and once you have a residency in a working
man's club up top. But the trouble is, he can
be a bit prejudiced towards any male singers
that don't wear makeup or dye their hair blonde.
Turnip added. Jesus and the Married Chain hadn't
been on stage long when he started getting a
bit gnarky. He started heckling between songs
and shouting stuff like, Amateurs! Amateurs!
Are you the Bay City Rollers in disguise? Where's
your bagpipes and haggis, you miserable Scottish
bastards? Okay, it's Jimmy Belland and a brave
heart. Turn about it. Puerto Rico Paul's drunkard
and borderline xenophobic behaviour towards our
Celtic cousins didn't go down too well with everyone
in earshot. But as fate would have it, there
were a handful of jocks in front of us who took
particular offence. This big guy in a Scotland
football top just turned around, pushed Paul
and shouted, What's your problem, eh? That'll
have to do. That was good. Paul just held up
his hands and pleaded, No problem, mate. Just
banter. The guy just raised his eyebrows and
said, Banter. Paul replied, doing his best Jimmy
Cranky impression, Sorry, mate. I just got a
bit carried away. Don't take it too personally.
The guy just shook his head and turned away.
But Paul being Paul, couldn't let it go. He tapped
him on the shoulder and asked, What do you call
an Englishman in a skirt? The guy just looked
at him warily, and Paul answered with a big grin,
A Scot. Turn about it. As I picked Paul up off
the floor and dragged him away, I decided it
was time to leave before my friends could do
any more damage to my reputation as a semi -professional
paranormal investigator. As Paul moaned about
being sucker -punched and going back to sort
out the Billy Connolly buys, I just sighed inwardly
and wondered if Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul
would be more of a handicap than a help when
it came to catching mermaids. But at the end
of the day, they were mermaids, and the world
needed protecting from them. Sorry, I shouldn't
have found that as funny as I did. But yeah,
the world does need protecting from them. Come
on, Paul, I said. Let's go and wake up Torn and
hit the road. Turnip told the Chronicle that
when they went back to the strangest tent to
pick up Big Tony, they found he'd sobered up
and was drinking herbal tea with a lady named
Ingrid and listening to Pretty Vacant by the
Sex Pistols. Turnip explained. Ingrid was quite
a posh lady with one of those piercing and plummy
voices that sounds rushed and breathless. And
when she introduced herself as Ingrid, it sounded
a little like, Hello, my name is Inbred. With
his green Hulk paint, I could see Tony going
red, particularly when Paul held out his hands
and said in his finest David Niven impression,
Oh, God. It's a pleasure, Inbred. Thank you for
looking after this chap of ours, what? Nice.
Not at all! Said Ingrid. It's not everyday one
gets to meet the Incredible Hulk! Enjoying Big
Tony's discomfort, me and Paul laughed a little
louder and longer than we normally would. Things
got even better before we left, when Paul asked.
I'm sure our paths have crossed before once inbred.
Is your second name Sussex by chance? Sorry!
"'Who's?' she said. "'It's Kent!' "'Ah, Inbred
Kent! How rum!' "'Oh, you chaps are frightful!'
said Inbred. "'Particularly this great big lummox,
what?' said Paul, who was really getting into
the stride of playing a fruity aristocrat, as
he patted an angry -looking Big Tony on the head.
"'I think we need to go now, boys,' growled Big
Tony from the shadows. "'Ah, who can refuse an
order from the Hulk, eh, Inbred?' Announce Paul
Gailey as we left the tent like three soldiers
of fortune, travelling the gypsy road on their
way to snare a mermaid. To be continued. That's
definitely the funniest one yet. Brilliant. Tim
Butters has collected these tales and many more
in the book, The Manifest Trials and Tribulations
of Johnny Turnip. Available on Amazon and, as
always, linked to the book and the original article
is on the show blog, lightlyused .co .uk. I love
how much space you've given yourself in front
of you to guess my tat and donation. But... Ready
to bring some more stuff over this way? No, no,
no. You've got plenty of room. We'll find out
why in a moment. But anyway, it's time for...
Tat in the box, tat in the box. Tat in the box,
tat in the box. Tat in the box, tat in the box,
tat in the box. Tat in the box. It's time for
tat in the box, boys and girls. Wow. Fuck me.
Shit! Bollocks! I swore. That's three swears.
It's probably more than three. Well, just in
the intro of this game, three. Okay. Close your
eyes. Chalk them up. We'll do donation item first,
okay? Okay, so the object of this section of
the podcast is we bring some mystery items to
the show. One item we'll be donating back to
a charity shop. For various reasons. Favoured
item from our tatchels that we're going to be
keeping. And I have to close my eyes and guess
what Karen's donation item is first. Have to
cop a feel of, I was going to say coprolite,
but I haven't actually brought shit. Caress and
guess. Yes, that's the one. Okay, hang on a second.
Let me just reach it over into my box. Excuse
any farting noises. It is the chair and not me.
Me making the chair fart. Did you pick up the
farts? There. Right. More farty noises. It's
on the table between your hands. Oh, it's quite
a small object. That was similar to my response
last week. Rounded at one end, dimpled sort of
in the middle. Slightly flared at the base, although
it feels hollow. Tis not a butt plug, my love.
Is it wood? It is made of wood, yes. Is it one
of those nesting dolls? Oh, my God, yeah, it
is. I can't remember the name. Is it Matryoshka
dolls? I don't know the proper name. I have written
it down as stacking dolls because I didn't want
to sound appropriative. There we go. But well
done for guessing. Like, immediately I thought,
ha ha, he'll never know what this is. I'm kind
of surprised I got that. Oh, that is the smallest.
Is that the smallest one? It's four or five,
I think. Oh, he birthed the baby. The icklest
one came out. It shot out. The little peanut
came out. So, yeah, I've had these so long, I
can't really remember much about them. And Google
Lens isn't helpful. Oh, it does say Matryoshka
doll on the bottom. Product of Russia. So they
are genuine Russian dolls. So I feel like I'm
okay to say that now. They cost me £7. That's
quite a lot of money for me to spend. One of
them is chipped somewhere. I think the big one
is chipped. Don't know where I got them from.
Not entirely sure how long I've owned them for.
But yeah, they're like a little sort of farm.
yard -y sort of lady. I think the big one's holding
a chicken. And then there might be one with a
basket of eggs. I've not opened them up for a
long time either, to be honest. Adam's done a
lovely job of stacking them beautifully and autistically
as fuck on the table in front of me, from largest
to smallest. Because I need to take a photo of
them. The fronts are in the fronts and the behinds
are in the behind. Yeah, I've got to make it
look photogenic. Yeah. Again, can't remember
where I got them from. They did, however, come
from Russia via somebody at some point. But £7
is a bit steep. I was thinking, oh, they must
have only been about £1 .50. Yeah, if you've
never bought them before, you don't know how
much they cost as a guideline. Well, yeah, and
especially them being damaged. I mean, I suppose
£7, you know, it's not an extortionate amount
of money. It's not ridiculous. But, you know,
they're very sort of lightweight balsa wood type.
thing they would float very nicely i imagine
yeah they feel nicely polished wood as well they
are very um tactile they do feel nice to hold
um i don't particularly enjoy it when they squeak
together it's like almost nails down a chalkboard
but not quite but yeah those are my matrush matrushka
dolls yeah thanks for that just get the chickens
what do you reckon Oh, they're quite funky. I'm
glad I got those in the first go. Yeah, I'm really
impressed with your guess. I've never actually
opened any of these before. Have you not? No,
I know. I don't think I've ever really held them
in real life. I've always felt, I can't be trusted
with those. Brilliant. Right, okay. So, good
guessing. Well done. Good game, good game. That's
your donation item. That is my donation item.
The tat item that I brought for keeps, it is
wrapped in a piece of fabric. Would you like
me to unwrap it before placing it on the table
in front of you? I don't think you can break
it, but it does have moving parts. Yes, unwrap
it first, just in case I get anything tangled
up. Close your eyes. Okay. Oh, the reason it's
wrapped in fabric is because, you know, you know
this, but our listeners don't. I've been getting
myself into some English paper piecing quilting
during my downtime, and my living room is full
of strips of fabric at the moment that's being
cut into very small hexagons. Oh, shit. Where
is it? Got your eyes closed. That was a fourth
swear as well, boys and girls. Oh. Yeah, well,
sorry. My eyes have been closed all the time
we've been talking. God damn it. Okay. Put your
hands out on the table. It's in between your
hands. Hoping that was a chair making that noise
again. It was the chair. It was the chair. Oh,
oh. You thought the last one was small. This
is sort of... Lego minifigure size small, but
probably even smaller. Maybe, no, it's not quite
a pencil. Yeah, actually possibly pencil topper
size. Yes. By the hole in the end of there. Yeah,
absolutely. It may even be a pencil topper, but
there's a little, there's a mechanism just inside
there, which feels like it may be some sort of
axle for maybe the small moving mechanism that's
in there. And he guesses as to material or form.
Yeah, sorry, that is part of the mechanism. Right,
so something lifts up. Yes. On this with, it
tapers to a flat edge. Oh, hang on, it goes all
the way up. Oh, and round, okay. Right, there's
a, I'm trying to think of the word to describe
this. It feels like a stand part with a parallel
bar across the middle. Yes, that makes good logical
sense. And a figurine pivots around it and it's
metal, judging by the sound of that. Correct,
correct, correct. I will just think the microphone's
here. It does make a very satisfying noise. All
right, what is it for, though? And what actually
is it a figure of? There's a small feature at
the top. Could be a nose. If I'm holding this
the right way around. Is that a tail? No. No.
Okay. It's maybe not a nose on the top then.
Oh, I could see where you were going with that.
No. I thought maybe that's a nose. There's a
little mouth thing here. Maybe not. I could give
you a hint based on your tail question that would
ties in with Johnny Turnip. If it twas a mermaid,
twould be a tail. And that would definitely count,
as I said. That's what I was wondering. Is it
some sort of animal? No, I'm going to have to
give up. Do you want to open your eyes? Oh, it's
a little lady on a... Well, sitting on a... Bucket?
Yeah, yeah. I did not know what this... The piece
sticking off her feet was. Ah, right. Okay. It's
a gymnast lady with a little pendant hook on
the back of her head. Yeah. So she is an circa
1880s. Oh, that was a nose. It was the face as
well. Circa 1880s brass cigar cutter of an erotic
naked lady sat on a bucket. It would have been
used on a fob chain. You know, back in the day
when gentlemen wore watches on chains in their
pockets. She would have been a bit of a novelty,
cheeky, whimsical item. She's the only one of
these I've ever seen. I found her in Narberth.
This is what I spent my birthday money on. Oh,
yes, the item you didn't tell me about. Yeah,
that's right. So she's been in my possession
since November. Myself and the lady who owned
the shop, we've called her Miss Lily. Because
the lady that owned the shop hadn't given her
a name, but she'd been in her own collection
for a few years. And the lady had decided to
have a bit of a change around. So Miss Lily had
ended up in a cabinet of curiosities. And I spotted
her whilst I was walking around the shop. Couldn't
see the price. So I got chatting to the lady
and she was actually really nice. I feel like
her name might have been Deborah, but I'm really
sorry if I'm wrong in that. Her shop was stunning.
It was all sorts of... things from architectural
pieces down to a three centimeter brass naked
lady uh she's lovely i negotiated on the price
i got her for an eye watering 70 pounds But she
is an antique. She is a genuine antique and she
was my birthday present to myself and I thought,
you know what, she's so sweet and so lovely and
she's like shiny on her knees and on her shoulders
and ever so slightly on her boobs and the top
of her head. So all the areas that people would
rub the most. Or just simply getting in and out
of clothes or whatever. So she's got all nice
patina but also nice shiny areas on where she's
been worn the most. um yeah she's apparently
pretty rare i found one on ebay that is currently
at 104 pounds with a few days left to bid it's
very delicate so if you look underneath there's
this little curl of where the toes would be and
everything on there yeah she's ever so sweet
like the little hollows of her feet and stuff
but yeah i mean obviously The blade is a little
bit sharp, but it's not sharp enough to, like,
damage a finger on unless you're really trying,
so I wasn't too worried about you having a proper
feel. But, yeah, she's my three -centimetre Miss
Lily from Narbeth. Oh, excellent, excellent find.
Thank you. I thought so too. You can find photos
on the blog, lightlyused .co .uk. Right, it's
your turn to guess. Okey -dokey. Have I got enough
room in front of me? Like I said, going back
to slightly earlier, it made me chuckle that
you'd made so much space in front of you because
I bought two of the smallest objects that I could
find. Okay, your guess of my donation item, it's
on the table in front of you, between your hands.
Oh, you've gone for... Not terribly large items.
This is a very heavy thing. I'm assuming this
is a watch. Yes. It doesn't work. Oh, no, I was
trying to see if it was kinetic. And I'm shaking
it next to my ear, which has got headphones on.
So I wouldn't have been able to hear anyway.
I don't think it's kinetic. Is it a broken watch?
Yes. Can I just open my eyes? Sorry. They're
very large, broken watch. It is a very... It's
very weighty. Do you know something unusual about...
You're left -handed, so maybe that wasn't so
unusual for you, getting the spindle thing out.
Oh, I see. Would the spindle normally be on the
right -hand side? Yeah. So to adjust that spindle...
Oh, because if you were right -handed, you would
have it on your left wrist, so it makes sense
for the spindle to be... But yeah, I'm left -handed.
I think that's a left -handed person's watch.
That made no difference to me whatsoever. It
made it very easy for me to fuck about with.
That's really interesting. I didn't even think
about that. Ha! Oh, I've just pulled the strap
off. Crown, I think that's called in watch parlance.
A crown? It is an NY London stainless steel back
PI7072D. Yeah, I've had this maybe. 10 years
i broke that strap uh about five days ago just
trying it on oh no you're joking me but it's
only a cheap Cheap watch. I like the magnified
section for the date. Oh, no, it's not a date.
It's just the number nine. Just the number nine.
I do not like that section at all. Oh. See, now
I thought it was for the date, but it's not.
That would make sense. Yes, it would. Then it
might be, oh, there's a point to having the magnified
section. No, just over the number nine. Weird.
Was this a gift or a purchase? Yes, a gift. Ah,
okay. Fair enough. This was from a flatmate.
Me, having a flatmate. Not double G. No, no,
no, no. Look at the size. I am not known as a
watch wearer, as we discussed a couple of episodes
ago. That's enormous. That is too big to be practical.
I think I wore this maybe twice. You could kill
someone with that. Yeah, that's why I broke it.
I thought that's the only way it could be used.
I was trying to put it as a knuckle duster and
that just stretched the band just a little bit,
which is just pressed anyway. it's really weak
oh it's not even stitched no no that would have
been just oh it's just pressed and glued yeah
oh so again it's just a very cheap yeah watch
so it's yeah that would have broken at some point
anyway i like i quite like the dark titanium
color look to it it's like um it's not brushed
steel but it's the color of brushed steel but
with like a shiny surface it's not bright silver
it's There's a darker smoke. Yes, there's a darker
hue to it. This is the heft of this watch. Hush.
I do actually have a set of micro scales next
to me. I've bought them specifically so we could
weigh and price up your cauldron. Shall we weigh
your watch? Oh, yeah, yeah, go on. Okay, let's
see how many grams this... But yeah, I am not
known as a watch wearer, as we mentioned a few
episodes ago, but years ago when I shared a house
with somebody, I think he'd be on holiday. And
this was something he brought back from me. I
can't remember where he'd been the whole day,
but yeah, I was trying to be grateful, but he
never really saw me wearing it. I might have
worn it twice. And when I got my actual watch,
which I've been trying to wear, a couple of episodes
ago, I said I bought myself a watch, treated
myself in the new year. I just noticed you're
not wearing it. It only took me one week. Before
I forgot to wear it. Tuesday after I said, see
how long it takes before I forget to wear it.
Two days after saying that. Forgot to wear it.
I made a point of not bothering to put it on
this morning. Fair enough. Your watch weighs
119 grams. Oof. That is a chunk. It's a chunky
monkey. Chunky boy. For comparison, the Matryoshka
dolls weigh 54 .68 grams. Have you got your cauldron?
Or should we do your other item before I get
carried away with weighing more stuff? We'll
finish up the tat. So you're donating a dodgy
watch? But yeah, I will be donating that. I don't
know if I should just take the strap off it because
you can't really use that anymore. I mean, you
know, I don't think it really matters. They might
have someone wherever you donate it that likes
to faff with things like that and try and fix
it. And then you're doing them a disservice by
not giving them a chore to do. It might not look
as like I'm pawning off a load of shit on them.
If I don't bother with the strap on it, it might
not look as broken. I mean, I don't think they'll
be too disappointed with one snapped watch strap.
They can take the strap off themselves if they
can't fix it. Or they could put a strap on. I'll
get my tear ties out now. Oh, OK. I'll close
my eyes for a surprise. Again. I feel like I
am doing better with the swearing. Right, I'm
going to take this. This item came in a cardboard
box. I will take it out of the box. That's very
generous of you. Thank you. And it came in the
tiniest little pouch. Oh. There we go. It's in
front of you. So we've both gone for relatively
small items today. Ooh. Ooh. I feel like I've
seen this. No, you haven't. Have I not? I can
guarantee. Well, not in my house. Weird. It feels
like it's got a profile of something I feel like
you already own. Okay, so there is a wrist strap.
This is a new mystery item for you to get. Wrist
strap. Does it have moving parts? Does it have
moving parts before I start pulling on it? dials
it on the side. There? No? There's one. There's
one. Oh, okay. I thought they were like little
tourney wheels. Oh, they are little tourney wheels.
Yeah, one of them moves something. Rude. Are
they like tiny binoculars or something? Ooh,
very close. Because that's what the little tourney
gauge is making me think of. They're along the
right lines. Not binoculars, though. It's like...
I don't know what this is. Do you want to have
a look? Is it like a little... Correct action.
Little look -through thingy. Yes. Like one of
those micro -slides. Yes, yes, yes, you're right.
And to prove... Look, I am closed -eyed. I've
held it up almost to my face, not quite enough.
to touch my glasses. Yeah, it is. So it's like
a micro telescope slidey thing. A microscope.
A microscope. Yes. Can I open my eyes? Yeah,
yeah. Now, this is the reason I wanted to hold
off with the cauldron as well. I've not switched
on ever. I got this possibly during lockdown
from Amazon Warehouse. I was getting some stuff
from there and I thought, oh, what's in the cheapy
section? I might as well round up to a tenner
or something like that. And, yeah, this is one
of the things I got. And you've never switched
it on, I assume? No, I've never had a reason
to use it. Because it's got any batteries in
it? Yeah, if you open the hatch and there's a
little tab to pull out. Oh, yes, there it is.
Can I do the do the do? I don't know if those
batteries will still work. We'll see and find
out, as long as I don't ping them everywhere.
Oh, no, managed to do that relatively safely.
Slide the slidey action back in. If they do work,
you can check out the maker's mark on the cauldron.
And we can weigh it. I assume. Oh, my goodness
me. It has a torch. It is a mostly bright one.
At least we know the batteries work. The batteries
are in perfect working order. You have to shine
the light away from your eye, especially when
you're holding it that close. Oh, my God. Okay,
it's got two lights. Oh, it's got a bottom light
and a top light. So the central position is off,
I presume. I see nothing. Is there a... Are you
filming me doing that? No, I took one photo of
you. I was going to show you before I upload
it. You took one photo of me looking ridiculous.
No, you were studying it. Right, okay. That is
literally pointing inside there. Is it not working?
I've got to be honest. The thing I can see is
the back of my own eyeballs. I don't know if
I'm the right person to try and navigate the
use of that. All I can see is white. Good luck
with me doing this then. I know, your eyesight's
even worse than mine. I'm glad I've got that
non -mechanical, non -battery operated Antica's
eyeglass. Anything? There's crap. I might have
two donation items. Well, you donate both of
those and I'll keep my Russian dolls. You want
to get your hands on any of these before the
1st of March, get in touch with us, pod at lightlyused
.co .uk. Any of our donation items, you're absolutely
welcome to. You really are. More than. Let me
just calculate this cauldron. Oh, yes. 22 .44
grams at, I think it was £1 .84 a gram this morning.
This is worth... £41 .28. Oh, you were kind of
close with your £50 guess. I think I was not
too badly done, yeah. That is an excellent turnaround.
For ten pence investment. For ten pence. You
should flog that just for its weight. No, I disagree.
You should keep it because it's a lovely little
thing. I've actually bought something worth something.
I'm keeping that. Yeah, I know, right? At least
for now. I mean, that is... That's the equivalent
of me paying £5 for... One of Fran's paintings
that she would have charged me 500 quid for,
when I found that in the greyhound, that's equivalent,
you know. Well, in fact, that's more than equivalent,
because you've, what, 400 times your money? Nice.
Yeah, I don't have that luck with my cards, though,
do I? No comment. It's finally happening. Do
you want to play a game? We're finally getting
round to playing Sky Joe. Yay! It's involving
a special midweek recording session to make sure
we do play it. Is Tuesday midweek? Ish. Depends
where you start counting from. Hey, listen, by
this time tomorrow we will be winning the week,
so alright, it's midweek enough. Right, we've
watched a YouTube video, which we'll link in
the blog, showing us how to play it and confirming
it's pronounced Sky Joe. Yes. From the German...
Sky Jump? Yeah, which doesn't explain why the
game is called Sky Jump. No. I'm still not wise
how to play properly. The scoring system on this,
as per the video, has got me absolutely baffled.
We're going to be playing a shortened version
of the game. Yes, we are. So now, the way they
describe this game, there's... You add up your
score. Yeah. And there's several rounds to play
it properly. So it's meant to be the first to
get to 100 is the loser. Yes. But then, yeah,
if you score a certain number of points from
losing some cuts, then you have double the score
you originally might have, potentially should
have, might have got. Okay. Shall I go through
the basics? Yeah, please. Okay. basics this is
a card game for two to four players adam and
i are playing a two -player version hello i'm
player he's player one i'll be player two i'm
always player two because i always lose i'm player
so each player is dealt 12 cards face down which
they place in a grid of four columns of three
cards down yes so it's a The remaining half of
the deck is placed as the discard pile like you
would have in something like Rummy or Gin Rummy
or Trump. I haven't played Trump for a long time.
We used to like playing that in the caravan when
we were kids because obviously it's called Trump
and it was a funny named game. Witty, witty children
we were. Blame my mother. She taught us all how
to play card games. So yeah, so you have a discard
pile. You turn the top one over face up. When
you do that, each player turns two random cards
in their grid of 12 face up, and then you add
the value of those two cards together. So I've
got a 7 and a 6, that's 13. You've got a 2 and
a 3, that's 5. The person with the highest number
goes first. I remembered that much. Unless it's
a draw, and then the youngest person goes first,
which we all know is Adam. Because he's a child
and I'm a child snatcher. There's only about
nine months, I think, between us. It might be
a little bit more. So you get to the point where
the first player is going to go. They... Pick
a card from the deck in the middle next to the
discard pile. They then choose whether to keep
that or not. If you keep that card, you remove
one card from your deck of 12 in front of you
to place in the discard pile. You are not allowed
to see what number that card is until you are
discarding it. So if you pick up a 12 and you
put a 4 on the discard pile, it's tough fucking
shit you've got a 12 now. If you pick up a card...
and you don't want to use it that goes on the
discard pile but then you have to turn over one
of your own cards in your deck of 12. and then
you do that one by one until both players or
all players or the first person in all of the
players to get all 12 of their cards face up
so you can see all of the values there is a rule
where if you get a column of three numbers the
same not a row only a column so from bottom to
top top to bottom not left to right right to
left If those three cards are identical, those
three cards are removed from your deck of 12
and placed in the discard pile in the centre
of the table. And then those three cards are
not replaced. So you end up with nine cards in
total rather than 12. And that's whether you
want to lose them or not. Yes, it could be a
good three. It could be a bad three. They've
got to go. So whoever turns over all of their
cards first. They end the round, but they don't
necessarily win the round. That's where the math
comes in. So the remaining players get to do
one more turn of picking a card off of the deck
and replace it with one of their own. Then when
they've done that, everyone turns all of their
card space over. Then you all add up the values
of however many cards that you have in front
of you. And if the person who ended the round
doesn't have the lowest score, their score is
doubled unless they score zero or minus something.
Not sure why. I'm guessing it's the jeopardy
factor. I like that you were looking at me for
confirmation that you were getting that bit right.
No. I just, again, for a split second, I thought
of something else, then, oh, a lot has happened.
I don't know where we are now. You're explaining
scores. Okay, so... You can keep track of the
scores. And I will take whatever answer you say
is the truth. That's absolutely fine. Okay, I'm
going to deal us both 12 cards now. Do not turn
any of these over. I would recommend people watch
the video for how to play this. That's the official
rules. We're going to play a very shortened version
of this. I think we might be doing two sets of
scores. One being whatever the score you get
is. And then I will ask Karen to actually...
give the scores using however it's actually meant
to be calculated because yeah three times i watched
the video karen's explained it to me also three
times now and i am absolutely none the wiser
you have to really really concentrate it's people
to understand the rules at least that's how my
brain works okay we both have 12 cards and if
you want to move those slightly closer to you
so you don't get mixed up with mine because i'm
a messy card player Right, so we've each got
our deck of 12 cards face down in front of us.
They are all a mystery. Okay, do you want to
turn the top card over on the throwaway deck
slash pick up deck? It's an eight. There we are.
And now we both pick two random cards to just
flip over and then we add them up. Oh my God,
that is so weird. Have you seen what cards we've
gone for? Polar opposites of each other. That's
so bizarre. I've got a nine. I've got a nine
and a minus one. So you're an eight. So I've
got nine, which is the highest because you double
it as well. So it's 18. I didn't remember that
bit. Yeah. So you add up the ones and whoever's
got the highest goes first. Unless it's draw
and then it's the youngest person. What's the
doubling part of it? Because clearly... I don't
remember why there's a doubling part of it. There
just is. Yeah, you've just got the higher...
I've got the higher number. You're one point
higher. I'm going to go first, all right? Okay,
right. I'm going to pick a card off the pickup
pile. Picking up cards off the pickup pile, you
are allowed to look at what's there in your hand.
You can't, you know, otherwise you'd be playing
a game entirely blindly, which could be fun,
but still. I will put a two down and replace
my nine. Your go. I will do the same. Oh, my
God. I shuffled these badly. I shuffled them
for ages as well. It's two decks, by the way.
That's a two for a ten. I'm discarding the one
I picked up. I will turn over a one. Good choice.
Right. Okay. I'll go for that one. Picked up
a minus one, ditched a seven. That was a good
selection. I've picked up a nine, which I will
put back. And I'm flipping over a nine. Well
played, Adam. Shucks. Well, you're not either
worse off or better off. It's all good. Right,
OK. I've picked up an 11, which I'm going to
discard. And I will turn that one over on my
pile, which is a seven. I've picked up a four.
I will swap that for the nine I turned over earlier.
Nice. Yeah, I'm going to do that. Picked up a
zero. I'm going to swap it for my seven. And
I've got two out of three of a column. I've picked
up a zero. Oh, bastard, I hated that. I'll swap
it for the four I just played. Wow. Somebody's
got a noisy bike going past. Yes, excuse the
farty motorbike in the background if you can
hear it. I didn't check what time we started
recording, so we'll just do one round of this.
I've got a feeling this could be a while. I've
picked up a one and I've ditched a five. I have
picked up a one and I'm ditching a two. I'd have
been tempted to swap that for a random card.
I'm going to pick up that two and I'm going to
put it here. Get rid of a 12. Nice. Well played.
I'm going to swap a minus one for a random card,
which was a minus one. You're quite good at this
matching cards game. We should be playing snap.
I understand that rules. Okay. I'm not going
to keep that. So I'll turn that one over. Oh,
fuck. I didn't want the eight. So I turned one
on my own over and it's a 12. I'm going to pick
that before putting it back down. I'm going to
turn over this one, which is a minus two. Oh,
nice. Very nice. I am going to take a... I might
regret this, but I'm going to take a card off
the pickup. Oh, actually, it doesn't really matter.
And I'll swap it for that one. Ah, bollocks.
Picked up a four, got rid of a minus one. That's
a shame. Ah, interesting. I'm putting that straight
back onto this card pile. Okey -dokey. Picked
up a 12. It's a 12. Ditched a 12. I've turned
over a 12. Turned over a 12. Okay. Card from
the pickup pile. Oh, fuck. Okay, that's another
12. I don't want to keep that, so I'm going to
turn that card over, which is a minus 1. I've
got two cards left to turn. I'm swapping that
12 for a 2 that I've just picked up. Nice. Very
nice indeed. I really need to get rid of this
12. Tidying up the discard pile. Very, very well
behaved of you. Thank you. Oh, okay. Right. I'm
going to swap my 12 for a 5. That's a bit healthier.
Adam. Oh, I picked up an 8. Put it back down.
I turned over a 10. That's a bit sucky. Okay.
I picked up a 6. I'm going to ditch it and I'm
going to turn this one over. Ah, fuck. That's
an 11. That's not good. I've got one card left
to turn over. I'm swapping the 10 I just picked
up for a 6. Sorry, the 10 I previously played
for a 6 I just picked up. Very nice. Ooh, okay.
I've picked up a 0, so I'm swapping my 0 for
my 11. Still one card left to reveal. Adam has
4. Yeah, can't I just turn over any of them,
or do I have to swap them? No, you've got to
swap first. Oh, in that case. Nice. I picked
up a minus one and I swapped it for what was
a 12 as it turns out. Very, very nice. Oh, this
is a tough choice. I've picked up a middle of
the range card. This is the higher or lower moment
where you switch on a seven and you're like,
is there more of a chance of there being higher
or lower on my last card left to be turned over?
Look who it is. I am going to discard the seven.
and reveal my final card. Ah, that's how you
did it. I forgot how you played it. Which is...
Fuck! An 11. Okay. You get one more go to turn
over a card. Oh. Yeah, yeah. You get one more
go to turn over a card. Er... Tick your switch.
That's the one. Turn it over. Yeah, it could
be a triplet. No. Oof. Okay, right. Now, because
I've revealed all of... The one I turned over
was a six. Sorry. And you rejected a five. Yes.
So now because I've revealed all of my cards,
you get to turn over the rest of your cards.
I have a 12 in the deck. And the remaining card.
That's harsh. Have I got enough minus cards to
count them out? I don't think so. Can you count
in your head? No. Hang on, do I have to total
them all up here? Yeah, total up all 12 of your
cards and I will do the same with mine. Okay.
What do you get? 32. 25. I win the round. Do
you want to check my maths? No, I trust you.
Do you have a pen? I've got a D twice. Or a pencil.
Probably should have asked you this before we
started playing the game. Thank you. So you had
a 32. And I had a 25. Oh, what's the official,
official scores after you carry the one? Divided
by your shoe size, subtracted by your height.
Minus the Earth's gravitational pull. Do you
want one more round? Not particularly. Oh, I
quite enjoyed that. Okay, then. Let's do one
more round. Let's do one more round. You can
always cut it. It's for me. Right, I'll move
my cards down ever so slightly. So we've got
our discard pile again. Here we go. Right, so
pick two cards at random and turn them over.
Oh, fuck. I got 22, you got 15. Is it still highest
one goes first? Okay. I turned over two 11s,
you've got an 11 and a 4. Right, okay, I'm going
to pick up off the pickup pile. And immediately
I'm going to swap an 11 for a 3. Okay, that was
a 10. Sorry, I picked up a 10 and turned over
a 7 of my own deck. Yep. I'm going to ditch the
9 that I just picked up. I'm going to turn over
an 8. I've picked up an 8, putting it down. I'm
turning over one of my own cards. It's a 12.
Oh, unlucky. I've picked up an 8. I'm going to
swap it for the 11. I've picked up a 9. I'm swapping
that for the 12. I've picked up a three, so I'm
going to swap it for that card there. Shame,
which is a two, but I've got two out of three
threes on a column. I've picked up a three. I'm
swapping it for the 11. Cool. Six, and I'll swap
it for a bottom corner, which is an 11. Not doing
so good on the low scores this time. Pick up
a five, swapping it for the nine. Okey -dokey.
I'll leave that nine where it is. Seven. Get
rid of that 8. Swap it for that 7. I've picked
up a 7, putting it back down. I'm just randomly
turning over a 7 on my own deck. I've picked
up a 5, which I will keep and I will put there.
And I've got rid of an 8. Finally, a decent move.
I'm swapping the 7 I just turned over for a 0
that I've just picked up. Oh, nice. Very nice.
Very, very nice. Oh, I will take that and I will
put, I'll take this minus one that I just picked
up and I'll put it there. Oh, replacing a 12.
Very nice. I have just picked up five, putting
it on the discard pile. I'm turning over a minus
two. Lovely. I've picked up a six. I'm going
to get rid of that and I will turn over this
card. Fuck, that's a nine. I'm going to discard
the six I've just picked up and I'm going to
be turning over a one. Nice. Very nice. Damn
it. If I'd played differently, I could have gotten
rid of a column on this row. Never mind. Right.
Picking up a card. It's that one. I've picked
up a minus one, so I'm going to place it there
where the nine is. I've picked up a zero. I'm
swapping it for a seven of my own deck. Lovely
job, sir. I've picked up a seven. I'm going to
ditch it. I'm going to turn over this bottom
corner, which is a four. I've picked up a one.
I'm swapping that for a five. Very nice. You're
doing a lot better than me on this round. Okay.
Picking up a card. It's a zero, so I'm going
to swap it out for the eight on the top corner.
I'm swapping. I picked up a zero. I'm swapping
it for a four. Lovely. That was a nine. I'm putting
that back and I've turned over an 11. I'm discarding
the four I've just picked up. Okay. I'm going
to turn over one of my own deck. It's a minus.
Oh, nice. Well, I'm going to take your four that
you've just discarded and I'm going to swap it
with my 11. Don't blame me. The highest scoring
one face up on your deck. Yeah, by a few points.
I'm going to... discard the four that I've just
picked up to turn over one of my face down cards.
It's a ten. Ooh, gutter. You've got three cards
left to turn over. I've got two. Sugar, I've
just picked up a four. I will swap that four
for that seven. I've just picked up minus one.
I'm swapping that for the ten. Bastard. It's
a great card. I've picked up a one. I'm just
going to randomly turn over this card on mine,
which is a seven. That was a nice choice. One
to show for me, three to show for you. You know,
I'm just going to be brave. I'm going to put
the two back up there. Oh, that is quite brave.
That's one. It's a nine. To be honest, I think
even if I picked up that two, it's not going
to do me any favours. Right, I'm going to pick
up a pick up. Picked up a pick up, put it straight
back down. It's a 10, so I'm turning my last
card over, which is a 10. So all of my cards
are out. You get to do one more swap, see? Do
I have to swap? You have to do one more round.
Oh, sorry. I wouldn't be playing that one anyway.
Okay. So I've picked up a 10, put it back down.
I'm turning over one of my cards. It's a 5. Okay.
And my final card to turn over is... A three.
Oh, lovely. Right, add up your numbers. I've
got 17. Oh, nice. I've got 38. There we are.
Shall we see where we are over two rounds? Okay,
so what's the overall scores on the doors? And
then there's the jiggery -pokery of the score
of who went first. 49 to you. 63 to me. Once
again, you win a game because it's who's got
the lowest score. Is this an extra formula to
work out? No, I can't be arsed. Would there be
some extra formula to work out? I think if you
win the hand that you clear... Because I didn't
go first? And you have the lowest score. Yeah,
because I went first on that hand, I think. Because
I cleared all of my... I turned all my cards
over first. I ended that round, but you had the
lowest score, which means you win that round
and my score isn't doubled. Watch the video that'll
go on the blog for how to officially score that.
And if you can work out what our score should
have been... Pod at lightlyused .co .uk is our
email address. My score was 49. 49 in total and
I'm 63. So if you want to work this out properly,
my first hand was 32. Karen's was 25. Second
hand was 17. Karen's was 38. Yeah, bad second
hand for me. So 49 to 63. From all that information,
if you can watch the linked video and work out
what our scores should be. Please email us. We
would like the information. But yeah, actually,
as far as card games go, I'm not a big fan of
them at all. Maths. That actually was fun to
play. Yeah. I like the... Learning how to play
it wasn't, but the action of playing, that was
fun. I like the action. I like the not knowing
what you're getting rid of, but knowing what
you're picking up. So there's that whole like,
oh, fuck, I've done the wrong thing. And I should
have put this card on the discard pile instead
of turning over a 12 or whatever. I like that.
And I reckon you could get to playing it really,
really quickly. So like super speed rounds, like
the more you played it, obviously. you're not
going to become a professional Sky Joe player.
But some people might, they might play this one
night a week with all of their mates. They might
be super fucking fast at it and they can get
through three or four full games to 100 points
in a night. But I really enjoyed it. It's good
fun. I mean, and you score easy with our streamlined
rules. Just what your card score is, is your
score. Yeah, don't worry about the math at the
end. It's really not that important. I think
that takes away from a lot of the fun. The actual
scoring way. I've just scored my points, surely.
No. You didn't score. Did you go first? How many
cards did you get first? And what was the score
on those cards? You have to subtract that by
your... Chester's rules always rules. And my
family will attest, especially when it comes
to things like Scrabble. Thanks for listening
to this little section. And thank you, Karen's
mum, for Skyjo. Yes, Merry Christmas. Good game.
Good game, good game. Glad we finally got round
to it. Yeah, me too. BivioTat. It's your turn.
It is. And I've brought a book that contains
stories, two of which I've read and highlighted
to introduce to you today for your listening
pleasure. More than I did last episode. I'm still
not complaining about the duck crisps. I went
home with that packet of duck crisps. Thank you
very much. And thank you for the dreamy as well.
That was also tucked away in my tap box. I enjoyed
those very much. The crisps lasted me about four
days. Oh, so I thought that was quite good. Very
restrained. But yeah, they were good. I have
brought more scary stories to tell in the dark.
Collected by Alvin Schwartz and drawings by Stephen
Gammell. Or Gammell. G -A -M -M -E -L -L. It's
a vaguely avoiding copyright infringement poltergeist
bodster looking on the front there. Yeah. So
I'll read the back of the book. And he has chased
somebody down the stairs like in the film too.
I know, right? Right. Scary stories to tell in
the dark. Sure to provide chills along the spine,
this collection of short selections about witches
and ghosts includes jump stories as well as macabre
songs, modern day psychic tales and frightening
legends from the past. And that's from ALA Booklist.
When this was published, there were three books
in the collection. First one, Scary Stories to
Tell in the Dark. Oh, is that from the TV series?
I don't know. This is the second book. More scary.
More scary stories. Do you want to guess what
the third book is called? Even More? Oh, that
was a good guess. It's Scary Stories 3. Oh, otherwise
it's going to be Yet More. Wasted opportunity.
Yeah, this is a HarperCollins for children's
book published in the US. $6 .99. I got it off
eBay for, what did I pay? £3 .30. You know, so,
meh. Also by Alvin Schwartz. Scary stories in
the dark. Scary stories three. More tales to
chill your bones. I can read books for younger
readers. Ghosts. Ghostly tales from folklore.
Is it exclamation mark after ghosts? Yeah, that's
why I said it that way. I wasn't sure if it was
just capital letters. No. I saw you in the bathtub
and other folk rhymes in a dark, dark room and
other scary stories. There is a carrot in my
ear and other noodle tales. I might try and find
that one. That sounds like an Eli book to me.
Not too keen on I saw you in the bath book. Yeah,
that sounds odd. Anyway, right, let's find the
contents page. Contents. Who has, when she saw
him, she screamed and ran. She was spitting and
meowing just like a cat. Yeah, who has. Oh, like
a lady bit. Who has. Who has. H -O -O. H -A.
Apostrophe. H -O -O hyphen H -A apostrophe S.
Yeah, that's the plural of lady bits. So there's
multiple stories in each section. When I wake
up, everything will be all right. Morning affirmation.
Yeah, I guess that must be. Anyway, different
segments. Let's find the first story I picked
out. I've picked out two. They're not very long.
They're only short. This first one I chose because
of the title. Wonderful Sausage. Thank you. One
dark, rainy Saturday afternoon, a fat and jolly
butcher named Samuel Blunt had an argument over
money with his wife Eloise. Blunt lost his temper
and killed Eloise. Then he ground her up into
sausage meat and buried her bones under a big,
flat rock in the backyard. To keep the murder
a secret, he told everyone that she had moved
away. Classic. Such a tropism. Blunt mixed his
new sausage meat with pork, then seasoned it
with salt and pepper, added some sage and thyme
and even a bit of garlic. To give it a special
flavour, he smoked it in his smokehouse for a
while. He called it Blunt's Special Sausage.
That's the guy from League of Gentlemen. I don't
know, I never watched the League of Gentlemen,
but that sounds like it's a good reference. Or
Sweeney Todd. It's very Sweeney Todd. You know,
he's a butcher, not a... A barber, but it's basically
the Sweeney Todd. There was such demand for his
new sausage that Blunt bought the best hogs he
could find and started raising his own pork.
He also kept a sharp lookout for humans who might
make tasty sausage meat. One day, a nice plump
school teacher came into his shop. Blunt grabbed
her and ground her up. Another time, Blunt's
dentist came by. He was a little round man and
into the grinder he went. To be fair, I've wanted
to grind up a few dentists as well. But he's
doing this to people who people will definitely
notice. Hang on, the teacher's not there, the
dentist's not there. All of these people perform
a service. Then, one by one, the children in
the neighbourhood began to disappear. Oh, that's
fair enough. And so did the kittens and the puppies.
That's really going to taint the taste. But no
one ever dreamed that Blunt the Butcher had anything
to do with it. What? Oh, you've made this fabulous
tasting new pies. Some of these taste a bit...
Ooh, there's a lot of Marbley here. Fat Steve
the Postman hasn't been around for a while. He's
on holiday, mate. He's on holiday. Lovely Marbley.
He moved to Spain. He's one of them expats now.
Things went on that way for years. Years, I tell
you. Then one day... Sorry, the years, I tell
you, was ad -libbing. How big is this town? Then
one day, Blunt made a big mistake. He put himself
in the pie. A fat boy came into the butcher shop.
Blunt grabbed him and started to drag him off
into the sausage grinder. But the boy broke loose
and ran out of the shop. And Blunt chased after
him, waving a big butcher's knife. Get his chopper
out. When people saw this, they realised at once
what had become of all the missing children and
grown -ups and kittens and puppies. An angry
crowd gathered at the butcher shop. No one knows
for sure what happened to Blunt that day. Some
say he was fed to his hogs. Others say that he
was fed to his sausage grinder. But he was never
seen again. And neither was his wonderful sausage
meat. The end. At that point, everyone in town's
complicit. Yeah. I mean, they've all eaten the
evidence. Surprised it didn't help him round
up that kid. Yeah, well. He looks delicious.
So tasty and plump and round. That fat will go
such a long way in my larder. OK, so there's
also one of the sections in this book is like
slightly funny stories. They're like long jokes,
basically. So I've picked a long joke to tell
you. It's called The Church. Less entertaining
title than, you know, Special Sausage or whatever
it was called. So, the church. There was a fellow
named Larry Berger who wasn't afraid of anybody
alive, but anybody who was dead scared the wits
out of him. I think they scared the life out
of him. One night, Larry was out driving in the
country in his old Jeep when he got caught in
a bad thunderstorm. The rain was coming down
in sheets. Since his Jeep didn't have a top to
it, Larry started looking for a place to take
shelter. Seems sensible, right? Yeah. You know,
big rain, no roof, look for shelter. But the
first place he came to, he didn't even slow down.
It was an old deserted cabin, probably as dry
as a bone inside. But Larry knew for a fact that
it was haunted and he wasn't going to stay in
there. After a few miles farther, he came to
an old abandoned church, standing all alone in
a field. It hadn't been used in years. All the
window glass was gone, but it still had sections
of its roof intact, so Larry parked his jeep
and ran inside. It was as dark as it could be
in there. Larry groped around until he found
a pew and sat down. It was nice and dry, just
as he had thought it would be, and he stretched
out his legs and made himself comfortable. Suddenly
there was a big flash of lightning and Larry
saw that he wasn't the only one in the church.
There were people sitting in almost every pew.
They all had their heads bowed as if they were
praying and they all were dressed in white. These
must be ghosts sitting in their shrouds, Larry
thought. They must have come in from the same
graveyard to get dry. Larry jumped up, ran down
the aisle as fast as he could. right smack into
one of the ghosts. And the ghost went, Bah! I
was wondering as well. Ghosts, they're in the
forest. These robes are going to shrink up in
the wet. Oh, we've got to go in. Just had these
cleaned. Oh, dear. So, yeah, that's two little
stories from more scary stories than Tell in
the Dark. I really quite enjoy this book. I'm
going to read through it all and I'll probably
bring back a couple of stories. But I like the
scary jokes. I think they're funny, like witty,
not clever, but they are fun. Yeah, yeah. For
kids. Yeah, exactly. It's like, you know, one
below Goosebumps. Very short Goosebumps -y sort
of stories. But yeah, kids are going to be telling
those if they're camping out in the back garden
or something in a tent. Daft ghost story. Oh,
you wait till Brian and Henry are old enough.
I'm going to be reading them some of these, don't
you worry. Sarah doesn't also. I don't think
my sister listens to the podcast, so she won't
know that this is my future plan for her children.
Around the campfire torch under your chin. That's
it. Sorry, ghost, I'm not mocking you. I'm not
mocking you. This episode has turned out to have
some real paranormal tangents in it and it's
not even planned, but it's been quite nicely
synchronous given the book that I was bringing
along. No mystery noises from the kitchen so
far. No, that's true. Not that I've heard anyway.
But yeah, that's my bibliotape. Outro time. Sort
of. We've pretty much made it to the end of the
episode, but there are three things that I want
to mention before we get to the nitty -gritty
nuts and bolts of metadata and website addresses.
Some final announcements. Yes, final announcements.
Dramatic thump on the table. That was a dramatic
thump on the table. R .I .P. J .V. John Virgo.
The great man. The great man of snooker, of big
break, of trick shots and of where's the white
ball going? Where's the white ball going? I know
you probably won't get a lot of these references
because you don't do sport. He died on the 4th
of February after an illness and I'm really very
sad about it because he has been around for my
entire snooker adjacent enjoyingness of life.
And no longer will his voice be heard. Through
BBC snooker commentary. And that's very sad.
So not that his family will be aware. That I'm
talking about this. But I send my condolences
to his family. And his friends and those that
loved him. He was a charismatic man. By all accounts
a total gentleman. Very funny. And an excellent
stand up comedian. As well as wonderful snooker
player. So he will be sadly sadly missed. Second.
Some good news. Our lovely Simon from Who Takes
Her Socks Off has dragged his lovely lady away,
I think, to Scotland and forced her to marry
him. So... Huge congratulations to you two. Really
happy for you. Lovely photos on the WhatsApp
group chat. Yeah. Jane, I don't know what you've
done to yourself. Run away. run really away um
but also don't because simon's total gent and
he's hilarious and i'm really yeah we're all
very happy for you going to scotland can get
much further away i know i mean like he didn't
even tell any of us that they were actually getting
hitched we knew they'd got engaged but we didn't
know they'd planned a wedding and then all of
a sudden we just get this photo in whatsapp of
simon and jane dressed up in their most beautiful
wedding garb and i'm like have i missed something
i because i haven't been paying much attention
to the chat and i've skipped a few things sorry
lads that's how you do a private ceremony you
know but that's you know i thought oh he'd said
something and i'd missed it and all of a sudden
he's gotten married but no he didn't tell anybody
in the network and i think it's because he didn't
have to invite any of us but anyway none of our
business well i wouldn't have minded a trip to
scotland But then I invite myself to all kinds
of stuff I shouldn't go to. So, you know, ignore
me. But congratulations to Simon and Jane. We're
really happy for you. Really, really happy for
you. You can have some time privately. It doesn't
have to involve us in everything. Yeah, no. What's
my podcast for? I've got to let them know. You
can have some time to yourself, mate. Honestly.
No. No, that's not fair. You're allowed a life
outside of us lot. Definitely, definitely disagree
with that. 100 % disagree. They're all my best
friends and I love them. Yeah, I love them all.
I love my boys, my harem of men. And the last
thing I want to say is a roundup on the Grand
Sumo tournament. My man, Aonishki, won. And I
am so pleased for him. He's the first man in
25 years to win two back -to -back Grand Sumos
in a row. And he was, it was his first year as
a... Can't remember what the term is for his
level, but anyway, he's the first pensioner in
25 years to come into that tournament fresh -faced
and win it first time round. So, well done, Ayn
Ishkey. Cannot wait for next January. Now we
can do the outro. Thank you very much for listening.
Once again, you can check out our blogs for every
episode on our website, lightlyused .co .uk.
That's our website, our corner of the Channel
84 website. where you can find our fellow studio
Channel 84 network shows, The Variety Show with
TJ and Rob, The Entitled Sci -Fi Show with Rob
and TJ, and Who Takes the Socks Off? We'll be
back with Mr. Simon and Ross. Channel84 .co .uk.
Links to all our socials are on there and all
our episodes. Thank you very much for listening
once again. Thank you. Love you. Appreciate you.
Sorry for the terrible outro. Yeah. Honestly,
this has been nine times trying to record this
outro. We say the same thing every episode. I
don't know why it's so difficult. We try. We
try so hard for you. Thanks for listening. Shut
up, shut up, shut up. Let me press stop. Adam
and Karen have been lightly used. Visit lightlyused
.co .uk for more. To get in touch, email pod
at lightlyused .co .uk. Now we can do the outro.
Oh, I thought you were going to do it as well.
Oh, right. So thanks for listening. Cheers. We
appreciate your time. You can find us along with
our other channels. No. Oh, my God. My brain
has died. Do we need to do it then? Yes, please.
Thank you very much for listening. You can find
us all at... No. Oh, my God, we're going to have
so many outtakes. Thank you very much for listening.
You can visit our website, lightlyused .co .uk,
for our blogs that go along with every single
podcast, for photos and links to everything we've
talked about, and also our friends are there.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Do you want me to try again?
I'll do one more go. Okay. Thanks very much for
listening. Check out likelyused .co .uk for our
part of the website. Oh, fuck's sake. Check out
likelyused .co .uk for our studio... No, why
do I keep saying studio? I don't know. Do you
like me too? Yeah. Okay. Thanks very much for
listening and putting up with us and all of my
errs that Adam may or may not have removed whilst
editing. Hopefully I've done slightly better
with the swears. You can find information about
our show at alightlyused .co .uk where you'll
find blogs and photos to go along with all the
items from each episode that we record. And you
will also find in that website, channel84 .co
.uk, links to our other shows who are part of
the beautiful independent network of podcasts.
This was a Studio Channel 84 network show. To
find more head over to channel 84 .co .uk now.