This is Lightly Used with Adam and Karen. Welcome
to episode 35 of Lightly Used with me, your sultry
songstress of happy birthdays, Karen, and your
grumpy, curmudgeonly old man of Adam across from
me. I don't sing. No, he doesn't. I don't. Well,
actually, that is a lie. I have heard you sing.
Can't sing, won't sing. But it's usually in a
very private environment, like in the car. Yeah,
and then it's really quiet, kind of under my
breath. Anyway, we've survived Christmas and
New Year. Just. Just. By the time this comes
out, this will be old hat, but... When we're
recording on the 3rd, it's still technically
Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Happy 2026 to
you. Indeed. I hope the first few days, and by
the time you hear this, the first few weeks have
gone swimmingly. And if they haven't, that you've
at least got a great anecdote to get a free beer
out of. At the very least. At the very least.
Make it worth it. How was your Christmas bit?
My... Phrasing. Encapsulating the new year. The
global experience of Christmas and New Year 2025
into 2026 have been mostly lovely. Thank you
very much. I've spent some time with some lovely
people. Saw my mum, saw my dad, saw my sister
Ruth and my nephew Ewan. Also saw my nephew Harry,
his girlfriend Courtney and their little boy
Cole, who is just the most adorable, cute little
nom -nom -nommage with the curliest little gorgeous
head of hair you've ever seen. He's amazing.
The drive -in was the drive -in and I always
struggle with it. But I've had a couple of days
where I've not slept during the night and slept
during the day and I slept last night. So I feel
like I've finally made it past New Year. for
my body to have like 24 hours to realise it's
got to go back to work. Getting back to your
circadian rhythms or whatnot. Middle -aged woman,
we don't have circadian rhythms. But yes, attempting
to. Although the GP did do me a script for some
Zopiclone yesterday, so I will hopefully have
some lovely sleep next week. Oh, hopefully that'll
help. Yeah, fingers crossed. How were your festivities,
my love? Begrudgingly had to do stuff. I would
have just like the two weeks off to myself and
just do absolutely nothing. That would be my
Christmas. But no, I had to see family and see
friends and have social obligations. As far as
it goes, it was very pleasant. Excellent. What
about babysitting? I was going to get to that.
Well, it's part of the Christmas experience.
Because you were doing it while I was enjoying
my Christmas. You were being the responsible
adult. That's mostly your story that... Do you
want me to say? Yeah, yeah, it's yours. Or have
I taken you off rhythm now? It's your story.
Okay, so, in November, I found a kitten. Jackson
and I went to go and have a look at the kitten.
Jackson... When you say found, it wasn't just
in the street. Oh, yeah, no, no, it was on the
interweb. We went to go and have a look at the
kitten. And as I turned around to show the kitten
to Jackson, Jackson handed the money over to
the lady. And I was like, oh, I've got a kitten
now. Okay. So we shoved her in the bag. Cat bag.
It's a cat backpack for clarity. Not a carrier
bag. Not a carrier bag. No, it wasn't like a
bag for life. It is a literal backpack with stuff
in there for the cat. Shoved the cat in the bag,
went to the car. And then I was like, oh, I need
to stop off at a cash point on the way home because
I only had a certain amount of money on me. It
wasn't quite enough for the kitten. And Jackson's
like, no, no, happy Christmas. And I was like,
what? He's like, yeah, happy Christmas. I'm like,
no, you can't do that. He's like, but I just
did and I can. So happy Christmas. So I tried
not to cry all the way on the drive home. And
I've completely fallen in love with this kitten.
It took me a few days to name her. She's called
Winter. That's her formal name, but we tend to
call her Winnie. She's black and she is insane.
Yeah, I've met her now. Yeah, I mean, you came
round like twice after I'd got her and you hadn't
seen her. So the first time you saw her was when
I was like, oh, by the way, Adam, I'm going away.
Can you babysit for me and make sure my big cat
doesn't eat my little cat? But yeah, it was just
after Christmas I did catch it for you. I managed
to lure her out with a pipe cleaner on a ribbon
string. She's obsessed with those pipe cleaners.
After she was comfy enough to sort of come close
to my hands when I was playing with the ribbon.
I ended up stealthily stroking her a little bit.
A few cheeky purrs that were quite loud. Right,
you're obviously enjoying having a fuss, but
you're also quite wary about having a stranger
be touching you. Yeah. So I kind of tricked her
into giving a few strokes at her, skittering
away. But after a while, she let me fuss her
after a while. And the next day I was watching
telly. I hadn't realised she'd crawled onto the
sofa next to me. Yeah. I was just watching TV
and looked across. Oh, I was actually looking
around the room. I haven't seen her for a while.
It's a tiny, tiny little black ball of fluff.
That hides everywhere. You can't see her. If
she's not in plain sight, she's in a dark spot.
Also, my eyesight is shit. So I'm just looking
around going, can I see a pair of eyes? Just
peeking back out at me. Well, something caught
the reflection so I can see some eyes shine.
No, just look next to her on the sofa. Oh, there
you are. Hello, when did you get there? How long
have you been there for? So cute. So yeah, I
got some belly tickles out of her. She tickled
your belly? Yeah, yeah, I just laid there. You
laid there. Pulled my jumper up. Showed some
nipples. Oh, nice. But yeah, we're friends now.
Yeah, she's ever so cute. Anyway, sorry, I hijacked
your Christmas stuff. That's enough of that cat
nonsense. Tell me why she let me give her belly
rubs until she fell asleep. So definitely friends.
Yeah, she's very cute. She's very cute. She's
still a bit unsure about fusses, especially if
she's wide awake. She prefers it if she's sleepy.
But I wake up with her on the bed all the time
if I'm trying to sleep or I am asleep. I wake
up, she's there. So she likes company, but she's
not the most tactile of animals yet. She will
give in. She has to. It's still a little bit
wary, but once you've started giving her a fuss,
she expects more of a fuss then. Oh, and Jackson
isn't sure if she's a he, a she or a he -she.
So watch this space. I'll get a vet to confirm.
Winnie could turn into a Winston. Or can you
just wait a bit longer and see how she pees?
Is there a difference between like dogs? I've
never seen a male cat cock its leg to have a
wee. But that's not to say it doesn't happen.
Again, not a pet owner, clearly. Clearly. Anyway,
moving on. My Christmas thing, I was going to
start with giving Who Takes the Socks Off podcast
an apology and an explanation for messing up
their Christmas show plans. So, days before...
Simon would ask, can they give me a ring to contribute
something to the show? Just a couple of minutes,
phone call, and that'll be it. On the day of
recording, I'll have a quick shower. I can do
that. 8 o 'clock, 9 o 'clock, 10 o 'clock. You'd
been called. I thought, oh, it's got to 10 o
'clock. The recording must have gone on a bit.
10 o 'clock. They don't need me. They've got
what they needed from the show from you. I'll
go make a cup of tea. So I went downstairs, made
a cup of tea, carried on with the evening. About
an hour later, I looked at my phone. Oh, hang
on, that hasn't been in my pocket this whole
time. It's just been on the sofa. Missed call
at six minutes past ten. Literally as soon as
the kettle was on, that's when the phone went
upstairs in the completely other end of the house.
So sorry about that. Yeah, I would have taken
the call if you'd made it. Sorry, Simon, but
it's your fault you didn't ring me early enough
in the evening to get me on your Christmas show.
I mean, also, if you listen back, when they call
you earlier on the evening, they say, yeah, we're
calling Adam next. And then they ring Rob. Six
to eight people later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Showing
off how many friends they've got. I know. Popular
motherfuckers. It was lovely to hear Nina and
Bon's voices, though. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they were
great. Yeah, they were really funny. And they
gave much more value than I could ever have possibly
given. To answer your questions, your speculations,
yes, I was, but I'd gone to make tea. That's
the reason I didn't answer the phone. And I would
have chosen vomit. I'm surprised anyone chose
to shit themselves. I mean, the arguments for
and against both vomiting and sharting were,
you know, they were valid. Everyone's opinions
were correct. Also, I should say, This is all
related to the Who Takes the Socks Off Christmas
special. It will make sense if you hear their
show. Link will be in the description. Without
context, it's a bit confusing. And a video version
will be coming. Well, I don't know. By the time
this show goes out, production schedules... Hopefully
by the end of January, it'll be on YouTube. Also,
days after recording last episode, that was on
Monday the 15th of December, I got a meal deal
in Tesco and had a completely quick look. Through
the Hot Wheels. Of course. I was looking to see
if there was a Hot Wheels monster truck. There's
a unicorn one. And there's also one which is
like a school bus, but it's done with like donut
wheels and stuff like that. Very cool. I can't
remember what the name of it are. So those are
the two I was looking for for my two nieces.
This is after I'd been looking for myself and
decided, no, I didn't fancy any cars. So I'm
in my work clothes, overalls, high -vis jacket,
crouching down on the floor, tap on my shoulder.
Turn around, look up. My brain processing is
trying to work out, do I know you? Yeah. I'm
not really taking in what you're saying, so it's
taking me a second to process what you've said
to me. Yeah. Don't know him at all. Complete
stranger. Taps me on the shoulder. You're too
old to be buying toys. 15th of December, just
before Christmas. Also, yeah, I know I'm too
old to be buying toys. Also, what the fuck's
it got to do with you? The one time I wasn't
looking to buy them for myself as well. I know,
yeah. That time I was legitimately looking for
my nieces. Typical. I did tell him, I've got
a niece. I don't think he believed me. He walked
off chuckling to himself. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I bet
that made his day. Also, what did he want in
his wildest dreams? How did he want this interaction
to go? Oh, you're right. Should I either follow
him home and look through his life and say, I
need to get some tips for how I lead my life.
You're right. Or come round my house. You need
to go through every goddamn single thing I own.
Make sure it's age appropriate. Not too old for
me. Not too young for me. How old do you think
I am? You need to get exactly the right age for
me. I don't want to disappoint you, strange old
man, who's come and bothered me, tapped me on
the shoulder. Yeah, I'm buying a... My son died
a year ago, and he loved Hot Wheels, and I just
want to put something on his grave. That was
a possibility how that conversation could have
gone. No, it's so true. It's so true. And again,
how did... You're too old. Fuck you. You can't
be buying commemorative toys for your dead son.
What's it to... You don't know why I'm buying
things. Isn't it so annoying that you think of
the best retorts after the event? No, I just...
I've got a niece. But also, in my mind, I was
baffled with... Why is this interaction even
happening? Yeah, why did you need to insert yourself
into my life? You haven't got a bag, a basket
or a trolley with you. He was wandering. I thought,
go and find your wife. Go and find your wife.
She's probably in the clothes section. Yeah,
can you help her get something from a shelf or
something? Be useful. Fuck off. Initially, I
thought he was going to be asking me for help
because he thought I worked in the shop with
my hobbies. I've had that and I've been shopping
before. I've done my work clothes. It's, oh,
excuse me, where do I find? Oh, oh, sorry. But
yeah, I really want to know how he wanted that
interaction to go. When he walked up, I've got
a good one here. I'm going to tell that man he's
too old to buy. Oh, this is a good one. Oh, I
can't wait. I've got a theory that he's a treasure
hunter. And he knows how awkward single men are
going through boxes of Hot Wheels. So he's used
a tactic that someone else has used on him before
and done like the whole tap, tap on your shoulder.
Oh, mate, come on, grow up a bit. Do you need
help getting up? Then the person who's looking
through the cars goes, oh, I feel a bit awkward
now. So they piss off. And then it's like a lurker
in a casino. They watch and wait. Until they,
you know, someone has put enough money in the
machine and fucked off. And then they come in,
put a quarter in and win a jackpot. It's that
sort of thing. Scratch cards. If I see someone
buying a couple of scratch cards ahead of me,
I'll go, I'll have one of those as well. I don't
usually buy scratch cards where someone's bought
a few. You never know if you get the odd one.
I'll try and play the odds. But that's what I
reckon. I reckon he was just trying to get you
away from the Hot Wheels so he could just do
a loop around and come back and look through
on his own. I wasn't looking through the single
ones. He could have done that. Oh, well, fuck
it, then I don't know. Yeah, in Hot Wheels monster
trucks. No idea how he hoped that would go. Oh,
well, at least you didn't punch him. Still, Ben,
also, I was just surprised at this interaction
with a complete stranger. Just go about your
day. People shop in the shop and also it's two
weeks before Christmas. Someone's going to be
looking at toys. Maybe he was the real life Grinch.
Were you in Asda? Was it the Asda Grinch? No,
it was Tesco. Oh, never mind then. I mean, also,
I have added like five cars to the wall. I wasn't
going to make any comments. I wasn't, and I'm
not even looking in the direction of the main
display, and I can still see several Hot Wheels
in my direct line of sight. So you know how I
said it was impressive last episode? It's becoming
an issue now. When does impressive become engorged?
It's when you start getting paid for it, I think.
That'll be why I'm poor. But yeah, just a few
months ago, I hadn't even heard of Treasure Hunts.
I've got several of them, including duplicates
that were instead a couple from the table. And
even better than Treasure Hunt, I found an error
card, which is a mismatching card to the backing
cardboard. Yeah, you showed that to me earlier.
That was a fun one. It's actually really cool.
I'm quite impressed. I've never noticed any like
that in the shop. So now you've given me another
reason to go back and look in the boxes. I'm
a bit annoyed. Only looking for the fuck ups.
They're the more fun ones to find. Just look
for the fuck ups. Also, since we recorded the
last episode, again, this is just before Christmas.
So it's been three weeks since we recorded. And
again, the first incident in Tesco happened on
the 15th. This was on the 22nd of December. I
was on the work aid course for first. First aid
course for work. A work aid course for first.
First Cymru, the bus people, you don't work for
them. A first aid at work course. Right. Or general
first aid course for people in the workplace.
Yeah. There are four of us on it. And you know
how there's usually, there's always one. Yeah.
There was one. It wasn't me. For a change. For
a change. Now, I had a grumble about the length
of the course, finding out, oh, shit, the Monday
before Christmas break that most other companies
have already broken up. Yeah. I've got to go
in. It's nine till five. Look, it turns out nine
till four. Oh, it's not too bad, but come on.
I'm sure this is just going to take a couple
of hours. We can condense it a little bit, right?
Ah, well. Skip to the end. You can't do much
about it. That's the time of the course. When
we signed in, someone had already signed their
name, their time. Car registration and signature
where my colleagues' details were printed on
the form. Right. So not in the space next to
the guy's name. Instant nobbed. So just first,
oh yeah, first signing, I'm just going to sign
the first box here. I'm not going to read, oh,
that's not my name. Also, he hadn't got a pen.
That's one of the things we were given at the
desk was, here we go, sign in here, here's the
pen. Yeah. Somehow he signed in the wrong box
and didn't have a pen. Oh my God. So just as
the course was starting, he was asking the lady
taking it for a pen. Marvellous. Yeah. Also,
he complained several times loudly to both of
myself and my colleague. And then the fourth
guy that came in the course complained again.
So he knew that this guy wasn't happy that it's
a long day's course. And I should have said,
no, I shouldn't have done this. Yeah, I had a
grumble before getting in. We're here. You're
here now. Just get over it. Get it done. The
more you grumble during the time, the longer
it's going to bloody take. I felt I had the decency
to get all my gripes about this is an all day
course out the way. Before getting there. Yeah.
This is what we signed up to. Very constructive.
Also made his politics very well known. Oh, he's
one of those flag people, is he? Had every opportunity
all the way throughout it, despite it being nothing
to do with the course. So somehow he'd bring
it up. And then for the resuscitation section
of it, we had to be filmed so the instructor
could show that, yep, I've shown the correct
technique. And so being filmed, we have to sign
a release for GDPR, say this is the data will
be kept in compliance, blah, blah, blah. Oh,
we're also woke now. We have to sign these forms,
is it? Is that what we've come to? I bit my tongue.
I really wanted to ask him, how is data protection
laws woke? I'd love to hear him explain that
one. Yeah, he's really, this gentleman is very
lucky I was not on this course with him. Oh,
yeah, especially this next bit. Towards the end
of the course, then, we were shown how to use
trauma kits to pack wounds. This guy pipes up.
What if they've got AIDS? And the instructor's
getting cheesed off at this point, then, saying,
well, you've got gloves, and how would you know?
And then he starts making up some objections
like, oh, well, if you know the person is gay,
the instructor points out, look, there's many
ways you can get a blood -borne infection. I
should have told him to shut the fuck up. I might
have to do something. I don't know how much of
the course I've got to work with you on. Yeah.
Okay, all right. So imagine this guy, he's got
the most purest, best, most donatable blood in
the world. How do we use this kit? Yeah. That's
what the course is for. We're being taught, the
instructor's saying, look, what you do outside
the course, how you apply that knowledge, that's
on your conscience. I'm teaching you how to correctly
use these in these scenarios. Yeah. Shut the
fuck up and let's go on with the course, especially
as you're complaining how long the course is.
Fucking idiot. Oh, dear. It genuinely amazes
me that people like that still exist in this
day and age. Like, it's... I was going to say
2025. It is 2026. You know, there are so many
medications available for people with blood -borne
viruses. However, they have contracted it. It
could be through birth. It could be through a
blood transfusion from the 80s. I mean... There
are many ways in which you can contract a virus.
Your sexual preferences and habits are not the
only way that that happens. And another point,
if someone is bleeding out in front of you, they're
probably not that conscious, so you're not going
to be able to establish. The example he gave
was, if it was a no, I guess, I don't know, if
that makes it even worse, is that, so it's someone
you know you're willing to let die. Anyway, yeah,
I... Oh, I refuse to allow my blood pressure
to go up over such a small and pathetic individual
whom I hope had... I hope he never has to apply
any of this knowledge to anyone at all. Yeah,
me too. And annoyingly, there was a multiple
choice test at the very, very end. And we each
got a different set of questions. He finished
first of all the four of us. He got all 15 right.
Of course he did. And the reason I know this
is because... Oh, it's brilliant. Oh, 15, they're
right. Oh, oh, that's excellent. Oh, I didn't
think I'd... Oh, brilliant. Oh, thank you very
much. Just get the fuck out. The rest of us are
doing our fucking... Oh, God. Oh, thank God.
There we go. Right, then, have a good Christmas,
everyone. See you. Take care. Horrid man. What
a fucking cock. Really horrible human being.
Somehow he made that first aid course about it.
He was the center of attention of it. I know
some people who are always. You fucking prick.
Yeah. Anyway, let's get off this topic because
I can feel myself getting mad and I don't want
to rant and do a Karen on Mike. It's been a little
while, but it's time to return. The Manifest
Trials and Tribulations of Johnny Turnip from
the Abergavenny Chronicle by Tim Butters. Abergavenny
Man claims he met a real -life witch at the Green
Man Festival. Ace! And Abergavenny Man claims
he was shocked beyond belief to have met a real
-life witch who could cast spells and everything
at this year's Green Man Festival. Me and the
boys only went because we were given free tickets,
explained semi -professional paranormal investigator
Johnny Turnip. Apart from the Jesus and Mary
Chang, I hadn't heard any of the bands playing
and I wasn't fussed. But, as it turns out, we
had a great laugh and got to meet Jenny Benny,
who opened her eyes to the fact that not all
women with power are satanic. Turnip told the
Chronicle that after receiving a mysterious invite
in the post containing three tickets to the Green
Man signed from a gentleman admirer. He got on
the blower to Puerto Rico Paul and Big Tony and
arranged to meet them at Abergavenny train station
and catch the shuttle bus to the festival site.
Our green man experience didn't get off to the
best start because Torn and Paul have no idea
how to dress for the big occasion, confessed
Turnip. Obviously as a local style icon, I always
have to set the tone. People expect me to look
sharp and I don't like to disappoint. So in keeping
with the theme... I was rocking an all -in -one
green Adidas tracksuit, the canary yellow Fila
bucket hat, and some box -fresh white Nike Airs.
Oh, champion. Because I didn't want to look out
of place, I was also wearing some big wooden
bees around my neck I'd borrowed from a charity
shop. Borrowed from a charity shop. Turnip added.
I was necking some cans before the bus turned
up and regaling the festival -goers in the queue
about the one time in the 90s when Puerto Rico
Paul and Big Tony locked me in a portable toilet,
kicking it over, then tried setting on fire to
it at the wedding festival, just before the Stone
Roses took the stage. But, to be honest, they
all seemed a bit too uptight and bipolar to really
get into the fun side of the story. So before
I could shout, stick to your socials, you miserable
bastards. This is real life. Big Tony and Puerto
Rico Paul turned up and, not for the first time
in my life, I'm lamented I was cursed with mates
who had no sense of style. Turnip told the Chronicle,
Puerto Rico Paul had come dressed as if he was
doing one of his Simon Le Bon tribute acts. He
was wearing a white suit with the sleeves of
the jacket rolled up and the hem of the trousers
cut high above the ankle. To make matters worse,
he was wearing a pink t -shirt and loafers with
no socks. But that wasn't the worst of it. He
was also wearing a white sweatband on his head
that drew far too much attention to his thinning
peroxide feather cut. Jesus Christ, Paul, I cried.
You look like you've just got off the Duran Duran
boat. To which he sneered, said the man in a
green tracksuit. Yet, he was big Tony who'd really
pushed the boat out into the high seas of fashion
hell. He'd come dressed as the Hulk. I'm not
talking about one of those lame fancy dress costumes
you can buy. He'd made a real effort. He'd painted
himself green from head to toe and wore nothing
but a floppy Beatles wig and some cut -off purple
cords. Christ alive, Torn, I said. What's got
into you? It's a green man, he said, all confused.
Paul told me it was like the Porthcawl Elvis
Festival, but instead of dressing up as the king,
they dress up as the Hulk. A bit like Comic -Con,
he said, hopefully. I turned to Paul, who'd been
snickering into his fag and it became crystal
clear. I swam, Paul. You've made our mate look
like a massive bell -in in front of this bunch
of losers! I said, throwing my arm wide and encompassing
the mixed gaggle of millennial and Gen Z onlookers
who were trying not to laugh. Turnip added, Before
we could get into a full -blown three -way fistfight,
the coach turned up. I just sighed and said,
Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.
Let's just get tanked up and have a laugh. Sounds
like a plan. As we barged away to the back of
the coach and started swinging our cans, the
mood lightened and carried away with a spirit
of less conformist times gone by. Puerto Rico
Paul lit up a fag. Almost instantly, the other
passengers on the coach started doing this weird
forced coffin thing and looking at us like they
were small and wounded animals caught in a trap
and we were farm boys with big guns. The driver,
who looked a bit like Hulk Hogan during his fat
period, was now giving us a stink eye in the
rear view and shouted, Put it out now, son! You
know the rules on smoking. But fancying getting
into it with the bus driver, who, in my experience,
are usually a bad -tempered lot and just waiting
for a scrap, Paul stubbed it out, held up his
hands and shouted back, Whatever happened to
rock and roll? To which someone on the coach
jeered, you left it alone with your Oasis CDs
and Liam Gallagher wig, grandad. It's got all
the young 'uns laughing. And in the face of such
a put -down, there's nothing really you can say
to make things better except bow out gracefully.
Try to come back with a witty reply, you'll just
look like an even bigger dickhead. To make matters
worse, Big Tony thought it was funny to say to
Paul in his best nasal mankwine, you've got to
roll with it, arced. Fuck it, I can't do it.
Lost for words, Paul hung his head like a beaten
dog, and we all sat in miserable silence. Until
the fourth can, when the mood lightened again,
and Tom played one of his Spotify playlists to
his portable speaker. The trouble is, Big Tony's
taste in music is that of a builder. It's music
to dig ditches, lay bricks, and eat fried egg
sandwiches, and drink stewed and sugary tea to.
And when the opening of Dennis Waterman's I Could
Be So Good For You blared out, I quickly grabbed
his phone and put it on shuffle. I didn't think
we'd come across as less cool, but I studied
Big Tone's playlist. I realised there was a long
way left to fall. Moving quickly through songs
by Dire Straits, Queen, Elton John, Meatloaf,
Bon Jovi and, horrifically, Annie Lennox. I finally
settled on Guitar Town by Steve Earle. It was
a good drinking song and that's what we needed
right now. As we all sang along and threw our
empties down the front of the courts like cowboys
without horses or hats, the bus pulled into the
festival site. And that's when I first saw the
witch. I'm going to apologise in advance. The
rest of this episode might be truncated in that
this might be the final segment because I've
spilled water all over the desk. Karen's done
a massive job of cleaning this up better than
I was running around panicking, cursing myself.
Karen did most of the work of drying. I don't
think that's true. But, yeah, there's been a
bit of a spillage. At least it's only water.
In the deluxe studio. I'm going to get you a
sippy cup. I cannot be trusted, so no. No liquids
for Adam. Right, so tight in the box. Let's crack
on with it. It was just my side of things. We
don't need the song. It's okay. Oh, no. People
might miss it. There's tight in the box, tight
in the box, tight in the box, tight in the box,
tight in the box, tight in the box, tight in
the box. Tie in the box. Super fast one. There
you go. That was purely for my pleasure, but
I'm glad it made you laugh. Right, I've got two
items. I also have two items. Oh, I wasn't sure
if you had anything with you. I didn't see the
tat box. They don't count, but they'll fit into
this segment, so it's fine. We'll crack on. So
we've decided this year we're going to try and
have a donation item. Yes. Because, honestly,
my house is full of shit. Mine too. So we need
to get rid of some things. So the first item
I'll be bringing out is the thing I will be donating
to a charity shop. Excellent. Do I need to have
my eyes closed? I suppose I do, really. I still
need to guess. Oh, I've just touched the wires
at the bottom of my mic then. Sorry about that.
Sit more forward. I'll put this in the bag as
well. Oh, it's not another Mr. Blobby. I'm terrified
of things in plastic bags. It's coming out of
the bag. It was just so I could put it in my
tat box. Okay. Russell, Russell, Russell. Shuffle,
shuffle. He's bringing his tortoise out of hibernation.
It's very much on your side of the desk. So it's
in the dry part. It's clothing. Yes. It has a
belt. Is it a pair of jeans? Not jeans. Hang
on. There we go. Some further investigation there.
That feels like jeans. Oh, no. Not jeans. Is
this your suit? Yes. This is your black suit?
Not black. It's green, but yes. Oh. I've never
seen this one. Is this why you're donating it?
Oh, I thought you might have seen the jacket
only because this is the one I got with my friend
Gavin who I haven't quite got on the pod yet
but we're working on it. We're working on it.
This is from Cancer Research. I think the sticker's
still in the top there. Yes, Cancer Research
Wales. They got this in Port Talbot. It was £4
.50. Is this the one with the right -sized jacket
and the wrong -sized trousers or the other way
around? Yes, exactly that. Check the size on
the jacket in the one of the pockets. Sorry,
I put a... I buttoned that together. Sorry, it's
inside. Stop faffing, let me play. Oh, chest
40. Waist 32. Wow. That's an oddly proportioned
person, right? That was someone that... Did their
arms and their shoulders and didn't do a leg
day. So I tried the jacket on. Fits fine. I didn't
bother checking the trousers. I just assumed
they'd be proportional. No. And I've got no real
use for the jacket. Just a nice, reasonable quality
green jacket. It's a double -breasted style with
three buttons on each side, which is a little
bit old -fashioned. It's not the most current
style, double -breasted. No. I mean, it's a lovely
quality suit. It's nice fabric. It feels hardy.
But I thought, yeah, it was a nice fabric, nice
colour green. But odd shape, odd size trousers
compared to jacket. I thought, oh, I might have
tried at least wearing it once as a suit for
£4 .50. Have you tried the trousers on? I can't
put them on. Why? They don't fit anywhere in
the pants area. Can you get them past your knees?
Just about. But yeah, where the pant legs end,
that's about where the trousers stop reaching.
Fair enough. I imagine that was a few inches
ago, though. It's an obscene band. No trousers
and no pants. It's sort of just a little bit
of thigh showing. Sexy. Kinky boots. So these
can go back to the charity shop. Very nice. That's
a good quality donation. Oh, the jacket. Pull
your hood up. Button's still done up at the bottom.
Oh, yeah. He's trying to put it on like a cape,
but it's buttoned up. That jacket's two sizes
too big for you. Barely buttons up. No, I'm looking
at where the shoulder seams are. See where the
end of the shoulders are? Yeah. That's dropped.
They should be up here. Oh, yeah, actually. So
you've got, that's two sizes too big. You could
probably get away with a 36, 38 jacket. Yeah.
The trousers are impossibly tiny. Oh, well, bye
-bye, lovely olive green suit. It's a very V
-sized old man that wore this. Again, does his
chest and arms, doesn't do his legs. Well, you
shouldn't get things out for me to manhandle
if you want them to be folded afterwards. He
says, throwing it back on the sofa. I don't have
time to fold it. You do. You can press pause
whenever you want. No one will know that it's
been done. Yeah, they will. Okay. Second item.
Okay. This is a keeper. This is a genuine tat.
This is what I was going to try and include as
my tat item on the Christmas episode. Ah. Slowly
bring your hands together. Oh, I feel a corner
of something. Oh, it's not a corner. It's a pointy
finger. Oh, it's Buddy Jesus. Yes, it's Buddy
Christ from Dogma. Can totally tell by the thumbs
up pose. The wink and the gun. That's the one.
Cha -ching. Hi, Jesus. I really wanted to squeeze
this into the Christmas episode last year because
2025 is the 25th anniversary of the home release
of Dogma. Such a good film. One of Kevin Smith's
best films, to be fair. I hard, hard agree. You
haven't seen Tusk, even. Oh, dear me. Modern
Bee Movie, I think, is the most charitable way
to describe it. The Passion Project. For years,
apparently, Dogma was unavailable as a home release,
not available on streaming in certain places.
But a couple of years back, Kevin Smith got the
rights to his film back. So, yeah, I got this
around about 2005, by the Christ. And he's been
in a couple of cars and mostly on the shelf.
It's like the Fonz Christ. Buddy Christ. I love
Buddy Christ. He's awesome. Yeah. The figurehead
of Catholicism. Wow. Cardinal Glick. Amazing.
Right. What have I got to guess? Oh, yeah. I
have to reach over because I've got a wet patch
in front. Well, let's change for you to get the
wet patch. A second. Right. Sorry. I'm just undipping
my bag. So the first one. This is a Christmas
present from my mother. Oh, thank you very much.
So it may or may not be tat, but you're getting
it in the tat in the box section. Okay. It's
on the table in front of you. It's wrapped. You
can open your eyes. Oh, it's box shaped. It's
a low rise box. Yes. It's not as deep as a Maltese's
box. There's a star shaped little label attached
to it. Can you read what it says with your eyes
closed? No, I can barely make out there's writing
on there. There might not even be any writing
on there. I've not checked, but she wrote on
mine. I'm turning it around. Can you see if there's
writing on there? Yes. I think there's a small
indentation. I can feel as if it's been written
in biro. She's put Merry Christmas, Adam, Karen's
mum. Thank you very, very much. I would not have
guessed what the writing was. All right. Oh,
I thought that might have got me some purchase.
That's just the label. You need to turn it over
if you want to. Oh, no, you've found an end bit.
Have you? Yes. I found a gap. I lost it immediately.
Mum's pretty good at wrapping paper. Yeah. I
don't know how that bit I've ripped off. Yeah,
that's just where the sellotape was stuck for
the label. You need to turn the whole thing over.
That's better. All right. He's found some purchase.
I genuinely don't know what this is, so it is...
Oh, okay. It's cellophane wrapped. Yeah, it's
joined. I feel I've got it the right way up.
Yeah, that is the top slash lid. All right, I'm
just going to give it a quick shake. I'm just
going to take my headphones off. All right, it
feels like there might be one, maybe two items
in there at most, In one piece. Okay. Any guesses
on the content? No ideas. There's cellophane
wrapping around it and then what feels like a
plastic box. I'm guessing from your reaction
it's a see -through plastic box. It's a see -through
plastic cellophane. It's not a see -through plastic
box. Oh. I've got no idea what's in the box underneath.
I'll try opening the cellophane and see if there's
any texture on here that might give it away.
I don't think there will be. No. I can't feel
anything. Right. It's a properly boxed up box.
Oh, the lid is coming off. Oh, a sniff. That's
an interesting tactic, giving it a sniff. What
are you getting? Oddly, sort of new car smell.
Okay. Hang on, hang on. It could just be the
box. Oh, do you know what weirdly? There is some
definite new car smell going on in there. There
you go. But no, that does not help at all, then.
And it's got nothing to do with cars, as far
as I can tell. Okay, there's a booklet on the
top. Yes. Well, I have regretted taking all the
cellophane off. Was it something I would have
liked to have collected? No, everything else
inside is also cellophane. Thank you for not
going... No, no, no! What are you doing? Don't
spill the contents everywhere. So there's a little
booklet. Oh, right. There are several items inside.
So there's like a cardboard tray with three sections
and the three sections have got different things
in. Oh. And that's what you're pulling on at
the moment. Okay. This is a one thing. Correct.
Sort of. Collectively, it is one thing. Well,
there is some give in it. I don't want to...
Is it a deck of cards? Correct. And is this also
a deck of cards? Correct. I can't guess if they're
to do with any particular game. They are to do
with a particular game. I've never heard of this
game, so you may not guess what it is. So the
fact that you've established that it's a game
and there's cards is probably as close as you're
going to get to an answer. Cards in Cellophane
is all I can guess. They're two different decks.
And I don't want to play a 104 card pick -up
because it's two decks a card. Can I open my
eyes? You can open your eyes. They seem quite
chunky decks. I don't know if it's just because
of the size of the cards. I think there might
be more than 52 cards in the deck. They're not
a standard four -suit deck. That's what I was
wondering, if there was a particular game. No,
it's a particular game. Oh, no, I don't know
what this is. It's called Sky Joe. Yeah, Sky
Joe. From the look of the box and the look of
the cards, it makes me think a little bit of
Uno. Possibly looking at the design of the cards
on the instruction and the scorecard. So there's
150 playing cards. So there's five minus two
cards, 15 zero cards. And 10 minus 1, 1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah. And an evaluation block. Oh, we have
to give that a go. Thank you very, very much.
Yeah. Oh, hang on. Do you want it in English,
Dutch, French? Ha ha. Right, I'll just read the
game idea and the target. So Sky Joe, game idea
and game target. The game Sky Joe runs over multiple
rounds and ends as soon as a player has reached
100 points or more. The player with the least
points wins the game. Therefore, the goal of
the game is to get rid of as many high cards
as possible. Oh, hence some of these cards got
minus numbers on them. Yeah. So it may well work
a bit like Uno, but a bit more sophisticated
as well. There's some really good... in here
to sort of give you examples of how to use the
cards. So we'll have a thorough read through
and we'll give that a go. Oh, yeah, definitely.
Thank you very much. Yeah, cheers, Mum. That's
entertainment for us both. Thank you very much.
That's awesome. Merry Christmas. All right. And
my second item is a donation of a sort. So once
again, close your eyes, good sir. Clear the table.
Okie dokie. Hang on. In between your hands. Oh,
that sounded quite sizable when you wafted it
down. Did it? It's clothes. Correct. I folded
it in a really daft way as well to make it harder
to figure out what it is. There's a print of
some kind on there I can feel with my thumb.
You're making it very hard to identify one piece
of clothing. Also, I'm trying to kind of not...
Not the microphones. And also not get it too
much in the wet on the table. Oh, I don't care
if you get it wet. Right, I've got a sleeve.
Yeah. Oh, there's a hood, right? It's a hoodie.
Correct. It's a hoodie. Correct. I don't think
I can get much closer than the head. Open your
eyes. Merry Christmas. Oh, thank you very, very
much. It's the helmet. It is. I was going to
have this as my donation one, but I thought that's
too obvious. You know I'm going to get rid of
this now. Oh, you can't donate that. That has
got to go in a rag bin. Is there any pets homes?
I wouldn't even give that to the cats as a bed.
Actually, that's a lie. I would make a bed for
the cats out of that and they would love it.
Well, there we go. That's where my hoodie's going.
Yeah, right. Or like a big cushion cover, like
a comfort cushion cover. Yeah, actually, Winnie
could fit in the hood easily. Yeah, I wish you
would sit in the hood of my hoodies. Whisper
used to sit in my hood. Well, you could stitch
this around the front and you could... Yeah,
reverse hoodie. Double -decker. Follow -through
pocket at the front. Kiara is not going to fit
in the pocket. Winnie can go in there and you've
got the pouch then. Winnie could be a double
-decker. That's so funny. Oh, thank you very,
very much for my Christmas present. You're welcome.
That was Tat in the Box. Gift and donate. I'm
probably going to regret this. What? What have
you done? Bibliotech segment. Oh, are we doing
it, are we? Yeah, my throat is knackered enough.
I'm doing Johnny Turner. Just don't do any accents.
You'll be fine. Oh, no. Have you... Deliberately
picked something that you'll be torturing yourself
with. Yeah. I didn't know I'd get a bad throat
from doing the second feature of the show. Oops.
Yeah, the whole point of Bibliotek this time
is I've got to do a voice of some sort. It's
a time waste of letters. Oh, right, okay. It's
a bunch of correspondence, so I'll be reading
stuff out. I expect everything to be in the voice
of Hyacinth Bouquet. Where are you taking me
then? Take me on a trip down... Time wasters
letter lanes. Pretty much. The name says it all,
really. Robin Cooper, he was the co -writer and
co -host of the first series of Look Around You
with Peter Serafinowicz, the spoof. Open University
series. Yes, yes. He's written to organisations
just to waste their time. And he's collected
letters. Are these the ones he sent and then
the responses he's had? Very Joe Lycett. I've
kept these to just brief correspondence. Some
of them go on for pages and pages and pages and
pages, back and forth between some of them. So
these are just one or two before end of correspondence.
Make me laugh. This is to Martin Westwood, the
chief executive of Madame Tussauds. Poof. Dear
Martin. I understand your museum does waxworks
of people, like dignitaries and so forth. I may
not be a dignitary myself, but I am dignified.
Here's the proof. One, I always get out of bed
before 10am. Two, I never raise my voice at women.
Three, I have never punished an animal with a
stick. Would you do a waxwork of me? It's probably
more qualified than most people who are in there.
I've been told I look like the Roman Emperor
Augustus. Stick me in a toga and bingo. No one
would know the difference. It'll be our secret.
Please inform me of the date and time of my modelling
session. Yours sincerely, Robin Cooper. Brilliant.
That was dated the 1st of July, 1999. He got
a reply dated the 2nd of July. Oh, excellent.
They're on it. Dear Mr Cooper. Thank you for
your letter of 1st of July regarding the possibility
of Madame Tussauds producing a wax portrait of
yourself. We do get a significant number of letters
of this nature every year. Whilst I appreciate
your generous offer to sit for a portrait, unfortunately
Madame Tussauds only has a very limited number
of portraits that can be added to the exhibition
in any one year. We spend a considerable amount
of time and effort selecting the personalities
who will be approached. For example... This year,
we're including the Countess of Wessex, David
Jason, Tim Hedman, and Billy Connolly. The focus
of Madame Tussauds' exhibitions is on individuals
who have earned a place in the public eye for
a variety of reasons. We're not in the position
to offer a sitting to anyone other than those
who have gained widespread recognition both in
this country and even internationally. I know
this will be a disappointment to you, but I hope
you will appreciate our difficulties. Certainly,
the research which we undertake with our visitors
indicates that, in the main, We feature the personalities
that our visitors hope to see. Kind regards,
Martin Westwood, General Manager. Brilliant.
This next letter, dated the 22nd of July, 1999,
is to Mike Ring of the British Egg Association.
Okay. Dear Mr. Mike Ring, my spirit guide, Mr.
Crisp. A yellow ant is convinced that Hollywood
actor Tom Selleck is the honorary chairman of
the British Egg Association. I scoffed at this
suggestion, but Mr Crisp is Adam Ant. He's also
assured me that several of his co -worker ants
have seen Mr Selleck's face printed on various
egg cartons. Is this true? Can I phone the son
if it is? Please write back to me ASAP. Yours
sincerely, Robin Cooper. He got a reply dated
the 23rd of August, 1999. Slightly more tardy
than the last one. The British Egg Association
got lots of letters to get through, clearly.
Clearly. Dear Mr. Robin Cooper, thank you for
your letter of 22nd of July, 1999. For your information,
the chairman of the BEA is Mr. Andrew Jorrit.
I've also enclosed one of our leaflets for you.
Not a famous face in sight. That's boring. Louisa
Platt, Association Secretary. And I also should
have read who it was from before doing the voice.
Oh, yeah. There he is, our posh gentleman, posh
gentleman. Oh, fuck, I am, in fact, a posh lady
with a low tone. Yeah, I would have worked better
for the next one. Just Cooper. I'll try and make
up the difference in that case. This one's going
to be super high -pitched. Pinch your nose the
whole way through. This is dated the 25th of
August, 1999, to Mr. Jeremy Collinson, the Miniaturist's
Trade Association. Okay. Dear Mr. Collins, a
friend of mine, I cannot divulge his or her name
for fear of reprisals, mentioned to me your association,
the Miniaturist's Trade Association. Apparently
and correct me if I brackets or he slash she
am is brackets wrong You represent manufacturers
of dolls dolls houses and associated miniatures
Well, I've been designing dolls houses since
the year dot in brackets 1989 And they are really
very good. I work chiefly in paper and chicken
bone weaving the two materials together into
lattice like structures The doll's houses are
then assembled by children who are paid approximately
40 pence per hour. Can I send you some of my
sketches? I would really like to become a full
-fledged member of your association. I promise
I'll behave. Many, many thanks. Anticipate your
response with gusto. Yours sincerely, Robin Cooper.
Jesus Christ. You got a reply on the 1st of September,
1999. Reasonable. Dear Mr. Cooper, thank you
for your inquiry about MINTA, the Miniaturist
Trade Association. As the UK's only trade association
developed entirely... Don't know where the voice
is going. As the UK's only trade association
devoted entirely to miniaturists, we currently
have a membership of around 120 craftspeople
and organisations drawn from all disciplines
of the industry. Membership of the MinTA is open
to all who are active on a commercial basis in
the miniatures business, subject to the approval
of the National Committee. I enclose some information
about MinTA and a membership application form.
However, I have to advise you, I do not think
the committee would countenance approving your
membership for an organisation employing child
labour. Yours sincerely, Jeremy Collins. Brilliant.
Well done. And this one's from about halfway
through the book. To Ernesto Spinelli, the Society
of Existential Analysis. Ooh. 15th of December,
1999. Dear Mr. Spinelli, why did I choose to
write this letter? Just sincerely, Robin Cooper.
Did he get a reply? On the 10th of January, 2020.
Dear Robin Cooper, quote, you are not the doer,
end quote. Gautama Buddha. By the way, hot letter.
Yours sincerely, Professor Ernesto Spinelli.
Brilliant. Fantastic. That's a really cool book.
I'm pretty sure, yeah, Robin Cooper is the pen
name. I think his real name is Robert Popper,
the actual author. But sorry, I forgot when I
was introducing it. He adopted the pen name Robin
Cooper to write these letters and waste everybody's
time. Yeah, so it's got to have a pen name for
stuff like that. You don't want to get into actual
trouble. I'm pretty sure there was a follow -up
to this as well. Maybe a year or two later. Probably
available in many charity shops now, if you get
it. Especially Oxfam bookshops. Yeah. It's probably
going to be priced a pound, and it's definitely
worth it. Yeah, 100%. That was great. The Time
Waste Letters by Robin Cooper. This episode's
bibliotek. Thank you very much for listening
once again. I've got to say goodbye. I've got
to say goodbye to my festive facial hair. I know,
you've been growing a beautiful beard over the
last couple of weeks. Oh, beardy rubbish. That's
some excellent ASMR. Just clip that and send
it to me. I'll use it for your ringtone. Farewell
to the festive facial hair and goodbye to the
two -week tash. Time to go have a shave to go
back to work. It is quite the tash at the moment.
I've not enjoyed having this at all. It's been
getting in the way of my lips. Just a couple
of ends. Why do you think women trim their fanny
hairs? Constantly having to get a napkin to get
rid of any... I know, it's such a ball ache.
Just trying the ends. Constantly lapping away
at it. Hey, who started the comparison? I'm sorry,
my brain went to a cat with milk. I don't know
why. I was already on a different train of thought.
Still pussy related, but, you know, tangentially.
photos of everything we've talked about we'll
give it on the website apart from pussy oh no
we could have some pussy photos on there actually
I'll send you one of you've got a couple of photos
of Winnie yeah yeah alright look out for the
pussy shots Karen's kitty cat will be on the
website lightlyused .co .uk and we are part of
the studio channel 84 network check out our fellow
network shows there's the variety show with TJ
and Rob the untitled sci -fi show with Rob and
TJ. They've also started doing some gaming streams
as well. So check out Tom and Rob in the studio
on YouTube and Who Takes the Socks Off, who've
just had their Christmas special. And there will
be a link to their video version of that on the
blog when that comes out as well. Yes, they will.
Because you were in that. I was very briefly
in it directly after my work's Christmas party.
Not just you're in it, but everyone else from
Channel 84 except me. Because I didn't realise
I'd missed a call till an hour later. It's fine.
It's fine. Simon hasn't been calling you a cop
behind your back or anything. I was expecting
it in the episode, I'll be honest. Yeah, I thought
you were going to get some real shit for not
picking up the phone, but no, they just totally
let you get away with it. Yeah, yeah. Then again,
for all I know, the thing was slagging out of
it. That's into a file of its own. He promised.
We asked him plenty of time in advance. He said
yes. Yeah. Motherfucker let us down. Find all
our shows and links. Thanks for listening. Welcome
to 2026. Try to keep yourselves as sane as you
possibly can. Avoid getting into debt. Have a
glass of wine on a Friday and don't feel bad
about it if that's what you're into. I'm not
the boss of you. Do what you like. Fair. Adam
and Karen have been lightly used. Visit lightlyused
.co .uk for more. To get in touch, email pod
at lightlyused .co .uk. Certainly. The research
with Wookie... Certainly. Fucking hell. This
was a Studio Channel 84 network show. To find
more, head over to channel84 .co .uk now.