This is Lightly Used with Adam and Karen. Hello
and welcome to the first episode of Lightly Spooked
with Karen and Adam. No, only joking. Welcome
to episode 31 of Lightly Used with me, Karen.
Hello, I'm Adam. And that is definitely Adam.
We've been on a little bit of a break. from recording.
I've been busy. What have you been doing? No,
you've actually done stuff. I still haven't got
round to doing the stuff I took the time off
for because I've been busy doing just general
faffing. I'm looking after my cat. Still haven't
had time to do what I wanted to do. No, go on.
You've been gunting. I have been gunting. Yes.
The ghost hunt. Now, I have wanted to go on a
proper ghost hunt. I had such an amazing time.
We have to call it Paul and Senya's Gunt officially.
We do have to call it Paul and Senya's Gunt slash
Ghost Hunt. No, not just any old Gunt. You are
quite correct. It was brilliant. So I travelled
from Swansea via the train. On Friday morning,
got to Hitchin Friday afternoon in time to tour
around the town to look at how many charity shops
they've got, but not actually to go in them because
they were closed by that point, unfortunately.
Hitchin is a really lovely little town. I think
it is a hidden gem for tat hunting. And I know
that Cliff will agree with me because... He,
I think, said pretty much the same thing on social
media after he'd got home. He's like, who knew?
So if you're into... The Amazing Cliff. The Amazing
Cliff. Off of YouTube. Yes, off of... And the
Twitch as well. I think he's more the Twitch
than the Tube. Oh, I'm not cool enough to know
that. Yeah, I don't really do Twitch either.
You're aware of it, at least. Yeah. Yeah, true.
I think... Is it to do with gaming? I don't know
if that might have been why it was originally
set up. But then it sort of became like a YouTube
live sort of space. I think it works similar
to that. And you can go back and watch stuff.
Anyway, Hitchin, great little town. Loved it.
Met up with everyone for drinks Saturday afternoon.
There were about 25 of us in the end. None of
us were drunk. We were under strict instructions
to not be under the influence of anything because
obviously we were being part of the filming of,
you know, we were guests on the film set, basically.
Went to the Museum of Schools, Hitchin, is where
we did the ghost hunt. Paul and Sanya Rose, the
wonderful, wonderful creatives that they are,
set it all up. And some people who support them
on Patreon were invited to go along. And we all
did our own little ghost hunt as well as some
of us being casually involved in theirs on and
off camera. Really, really good fun. I have not
laughed like that in quite a while. I mean, I
know everyone hears me laugh all the time and
I really have fun doing this podcast and that
genuinely gives me joy. But I have an entire
weekend rammed with pure joy, end to end, non
-stop. It was just brilliant. Excellent. Yeah,
I feel really special. Paul Rose, Mr. Biffo,
knew my name, which I was not expecting. And
I was genuinely shocked by, but hugely appreciated.
And he, in fairness, knew everybody's names that
were there, whether he'd met them in person before
or not. As did Sanya, I think. Good effort. Yeah,
really good effort. And they're so lovely. They're
such nice people. You know, they were knackered.
They'd been through. the ringer that week and
it was a late filming but they were marvellous
hosts I really enjoyed it I feel really grateful
to have been I didn't personally catch any ghosts
the jam jar didn't work I don't think so however
what I will say is that potentially one of the
jam jars went home with Leighton so if he has
any freaky stuff happen at home I can't be held
responsible because I did give him a warning
he chose he didn't yeah no i didn't screw it
away in his belongings or anything like that
no i offered him the jar um and he took it in
full knowledge of the fact that he'd been in
a haunted environment all night um haven't heard
that he's got a poltergeist or anything so i
assume the jar was unsuccessful you did some
recordings when you were there i did we've run
through the spectrogram we have No really spooky
things that we could see, though there was a
weird whistling sound in some bits, but we think
it might have just been a bit of feedback from
the handheld microphone or how it was being handled.
Yeah, just my lack of professionalism and being
able to hold on to a piece of equipment and not
faff with it whilst using it at the same time.
I should just put them down on a solid surface.
We've got your recording here if you want. Note
for future self. Oh, yeah, go ahead. Okay, this
is Karen's solo session in the World War II bunker
area. I'm here on my own, obviously, because
I said it was a solo session. Do you have a glow
stick with me? And I will admit that I've got
my... It's like a rave glow stick. the foot and
the handle of yeah like one of the correct ones
and you shake it yeah useful amount of light
only enough for it to be useful to identify where
it is is that under the archway i would say the
ceiling is easily twice as high as this room
and the floor space is probably double as well
quite a big room a few people down there There's
two silver things on the top. Those are microphones.
But you might not actually know what one of those
is contemporaneously because you might not have
had microphones about when you were actually
alive. Fair question. Fair point to me. And I
got to use the word contemporaneously at like
one o 'clock in the morning as if my brain was
working that well. I've come here with a group
of friends tonight, as you will have seen. Would
you like to tell me your name? Deathly silence.
I wasn't going to spoil it for listeners by talking.
Were you perhaps a pupil at this school? Or maybe
you were staff? Did you have a favourite activity
that you liked to do when you were at school,
whether you came here as a student or whether
you were a teacher here? Have you ever been through
the tunnel under the stairs to get to the main
schoolhouse? We can't actually get through there
at the moment because it's blocked. Is there
anything that you would like to tell me about
yourself that you would like to share? Was there
any sort of spooky experiences there? Was there
any sort of temperature changes or anything like
that? Just heard some noises from outside then.
It sounded like someone going, I will make a
comment on that. If this did pick it up, that's
not paranormal. That is other members of the
group. They're in different areas. Everyone's
doing kind of solo missions at the moment. I
didn't really have any personal experiences.
Apart from one small comment. Did you come down
here when it was an active air raid shelter?
I did appreciate your self -debunking. That was
good science. If you did come here when it was
being used as an air raid shelter, how many people
used to have to stay in here until it was safe
to come back out again? I sound really patronising
talking to ghosts. Are you? You're essentially
in a room talking to yourself, so you're going
to be aware of that. Definitely. Excuse me. You're
very polite to the potential ghosts. Just to
be on the safe side. Did you know when you were
at school, when you were alive at school... Something
just tickled my ankle then. That's the most haunted
thing that happened to me. Did you know when
you were at school as a student... That your
school was built on top of what we think was
a plague pit graveyard? Kids are called ankle
biters. Didn't feel like a bite. Definitely felt
like a tickle. Could have been a spider. Did
you ever think that the school was possibly haunted
when you were here as a student? Or as a teacher?
Well, thank you very much for talking to me.
or trying to speak to me, if you have. I can't,
I didn't hear anything with my own ears, but
hopefully if you have said anything, this little
machine in my hand will let me know. So, thank
you very much, and I think someone else will
be down here to see you in a little while. Okay,
thank you. Very polite to the ghosts. Well, I'm
not going to walk into someone's house, shit
on their doorstep, rile up their kid, and then,
like, be like, come on then, I'm not in it for
any of that nonsense. Are you afraid they'll
follow you home, or...? No comment. Just winding
up the ghost, there's more chance it'll be a
spooking or a haunting. Also, they're stuck there.
Well, who ever comes visiting next? Very true.
They'll be angry with them. I mean, in fairness,
Cliff the Amazing, brackets, close brackets,
he did receive quite a bit of, like, activity,
I guess, or interaction on some of his, like,
little group sessions that he was doing. They
had like, not REM pods, EMF meters going off.
They had a spirit box, which is a fast sweeping
radio. It sweeps through AM, FM frequencies really
quickly. It doesn't settle on any stations. So
it just provides like a white noise for, in inverted
commas, spirits to use. So you'll just hear random
snippets of different stations. Yeah, so as it
sweeps past stations, it'll pick up like... parts
of words, bits of music, but it never settles
on it for like more than, I don't know, half
a second, probably even less to be honest. I
think everybody had a really good time. Leighton
got scared towards the end of the night, which
is very funny. A doll decided to adjust its seating
position within his... ear shot slash eye shot
in the dark whilst he was panning his camera
around the room so we've we've all had a good
giggle at his expense so if you sort of imagine
one arm was 90 degree bent hand upwards and the
other arm was behind the back dropped down to
the doll's side i think the whole arm was quite
a loud creak it was quite a like a thunk and
leighton did a spinning a fuck um and that's
on the end of the video that's on youtube on
the paul and sanya channel we'll be putting a
link to their video on the channel on the on
the blog lightlyused .co .uk and thank you very
very much for uh being very kind to all the guests
that came along yes they will be said nice things
the people that we've been aware of. We have
been continuing to say nice things about one
another all this week via WhatsApp. It's been
lovely. Thank you very much for the shout out
slash promotion in the description of the video
of the ghost hunt. From Paul and Sanya. It's
really kind of you. On -screen credit. Yes, my
on -screen credit. Lower third. It was like my
three seconds of fame. And do you know what?
All of us have said this week, none of us like
seeing our own selves on camera. So the fact
that it was quite a short clip was sort of a
relief for me. I've not felt the drama of it
as much as other people have. But yeah, so much
fun. I've wanted to do a ghost hunt for a really
long time. I got to do a really cool ghost hunt
with really cool people in a really cool place.
And it was just fucking brilliant. So thank you.
A terrible bibliothete from episode 29. This
has been a little bit of a while coming. Charlie
Croker. Oh, no. He has got a bunch more books.
Has he really? Yeah, I found out when I was doing
the blog for the episode. They're all profession
joke book. So sort of vets, doctors, lawyers,
nurses, plumber, electricians, roofer, bus driver.
Oh, I see. There's more. A lot of them have the
same clipart character holding something over
the shoulder. Right. Or maybe they've inverted
it so it looks like he's holding it on the other
shoulder. Yeah. It's the laziest, shittiest series
of books. Sadly. It's the same jokes on every
page, just with the profession changed. I did
not even read a sample page of them. Doctor,
doctor, dentist, dentist, nurse, nurse, vet,
vet. It would not surprise me. Even if their
jokes don't work for the profession. Yeah. Looking
down in the mouth. No, no, that's a dentist fucking
joke. That's a window cleaner. Oh, sorry, I've
just noticed I'm moving around in front of me.
I've still got shitloads of Hot Wheels. Yeah,
you have. The reason for it was we went to Poundland.
They were in a huge mess in Aldi. They were,
yeah. We got ones that we wanted. Yes. I found
out why they're in such a mess. Oh. There are
Treasure Hunt. and super treasure hunt hot wheels
so i'm really really behind the curve this is
nothing new at all okay anyone who actually collects
cars has any passing interest i guess in hot
wheels what you're finding out about this now
2025 yes yes i am i was this years old There's
a limited number of them every year in the series.
They'll have really, really nice paintwork and
there'll be a bit of extra detailing, some extra
chrome or you'll have the nice wheels and stuff
in there. Those are the ones to look out for.
There's, I think, a little flame logo somewhere
in the packaging. Oh, right. For the Treasure
Hunt and also a little flame on there. And I
can't remember what the Super Treasure Hunt one
is, but yeah, there are little extra motifs and
graphics. That's cool. On the box and on the
vehicle. Oh yeah, I did not know about that thing
either. We've all learned a thing. I'm going
to have to look for some now. I know, yeah. Just
to see. Oh, I found one. Do we know anyone that
works in Poundland or Aldi? Mattel? Oh, sorry.
Or Mattel. Yeah, even better. Send us a box if
you can. We have a rummage. And so any ones that
we don't, we'll happily give away to listeners.
Yeah. We'll work out some sort of competition.
Yeah, we'll donate them. Something, yeah. Yeah.
We'll set up a Patreon just for that. Also, whilst
we've been away, what I've been watching, Tom
has already done Land Before Prime for Superman.
I saw it about a week or so ago. On the whole,
I enjoyed it. I'm not going to do a full review
of it. But my only criticisms, too much of the
dog and too many jokes. Worth a watch. Five bags
of popcorn. Fair enough. Out of how many? Five.
Oh, okay. Yeah, five is the most. Right. Just
checking. In case it was a weird scoring system,
like two to six or something. Who would do something
like that? I have no idea. Why would anyone complicate
their lives that much? It's five bags of popcorn,
and then you can add extra little things, like...
Plus a kernel. An extra five bags of popcorn,
or... It's not my scoring system, I'm just adopting
it. Five bags of popcorn and a can of Pepsi Max.
I'm just ripping off one cinnamon. Also, Alien
Earth. I'm mostly enjoying that. Some interesting
premises brought up, some pretty good performances,
some new creatures, and you could tell straight
away, oh, that's their favourite. And sure enough,
as the show's gone on, that's their favourite
little monster thing they've made. Yeah, it's
super fucking obvious. They've definitely had
their favourite from the start. Is there any
practical effects? What are they like? Thoughts?
So far, I think all the monsters have been completely
CG, or maybe there's been some, pulling some
obstacles out the way in -camera effects. Rendering,
yeah. But I don't think there's been anyone in
a rubber suit or anything yet, or I don't think
anything's actually been puppeted too much. Lament,
CG. Or, if they have, I think they've gone over
it with CG, so I think most of it is digital.
Fair enough. But, yeah, it's too early in the
show for me to decide if there's too many new
aliens and if they should have just stuck with
a xenomorph. I do not care for the... kind of
theme song it's got oh really is it a bit like
when star trek did all those great theme tunes
and then star trek enterprise came out and it
went it's been a long road oh no it's just some
sort of instrumental sounds and then there's
a weird synth stab and whispering that comes
in oh yeah i for me it doesn't fit but five bags
are the bags full Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah,
yeah. Full of new aliens. I won't spoil which
ones. I nearly did. Timothy Olyphant is great
in it, though. Oh, well, that's good. No, no,
I was going to say something, but I might spoil
it. For me or for other people? Anyone who's
kind of interested but hasn't watched it. I was
going to say, because if it's just for me, I'll
forget. But if you think it'll bother other people,
then don't say it. I don't want to spoil it.
Anything else? Caught up on Strange New Worlds?
Oh, yes, we did. We've got one episode left,
I think, in the entire... in the season. Okay.
So we've watched one through nine. Yeah, so we
just went for ten. End of episode nine. I'm not
going to say what happened. I said that was going
to happen as a joke and it absolutely did. And
I nearly... Flew off the sofa in disbelief. That's
all I will say. They shouldn't have done that.
That's so stupid. Oh, my God. So I'm interested
to see where that will go. Inevitably go somewhere,
because most people who are aware of the Star
Trek universe know of the original series. Maybe
it won't be a shock what happens next season.
Oh, was that the mysterious person that appeared
at the end? Is that from the original series?
Don't know about the shiny person. No, no, me
neither. Made me think of the Time Walker people
that Will Wheaton goes off with. It wasn't one
of those. No, it wasn't one of those, but it
made me think of the first guy in... Next Generation
because of the colour of the skin. I did joke
it was Will Whedon. I know you did. I know you
did. And I thought the same myself. I was disappointed
it wasn't. Yeah. So I will say that is the most
engaged I've been with this season of Strange
New Worlds. And I'm really sad it's taken nine
episodes for me to feel invested in it. I've
watched it happily, but now I'm like, what? Oh.
And some very interesting developments with Captain
Pike's hair. I know TJ will be very interested
to hear that. Yes, I'm intrigued to know Rob
and TJ's opinion on the change of hairdo. We
think that the current hair is a three -step
process. Minimum. A bit like, we're looking at
it from the view of how Trump's hair works, literally
the weave. Brush this section this way. We've
seen it from a couple of angles in this series,
but then later episodes... jd from scrubs i'm
gonna leave it at that if you've seen that episode
of happy oh dear me love a bit of uh cultural
humor that places everyone in a specific time
play time period the noughties That's where my
point of pop culture kind of stopped. Yeah, 90s
and noughties. Anything like after, like, LaDette
humour is where my sense of culture ends. I didn't
mature past LaDette stage, I don't think. That
would be about late 90s then. Yeah, something
like that. That would be... How big a figure
was Zoe Balty and Sarah Cox if it's LaDette culture?
Yeah, pretty big. girly show no channel you did
did watch the girly show on channel four i don't
think so it was around tfi friday so i didn't
watch any of the t i did i know oh you missed
out i don't think it stood the test of time at
all do you know what i'll tell tell you a little
secret now as to why i never watched any of the
cool tv when i was a teenager you're out Doing
cool things. It's because my older sister was
really into them and everything else that was
really cool. And I was very determined not to
be my big sister. So in an effort to not be my
big sister, I avoided all the cool shit and became
like a gothy, greeby, grungy kid that no one
understood. Doing your own thing. That's cool
in its own right. Yeah. I refused to follow suit.
I am not a shepherd, nor am I a sheep. I am just
someone that watches from afar and decides which
way they want to go in their own time. You know
what we might do? We might take a break for a
little bit. I'm going to see if we can find an
episode of The Girly Show. And then come back
and comment on it. Yeah. Karen reacts to The
Girly Show. Yeah. Coming up. Because that would
have been the 90s. 95, I think. I'd have been
in Telford. 95, 2005. Depressing. Yes, I know.
Isn't it funny when you realise how old you are?
I was going to talk anyway about getting old.
Surprise. As a warning to anyone in their 20s
now, you will have additional hair around your
ears, coming out your nose, and weird places
in your ears that you're not going to expect.
Potentially one right in the middle of your...
Your eyebrows. Your monobrow will come in. You
have to tend that. Your eyebrows will become
unbelievably bushy. I've got to sort these out
as well at some point. They're not that bad at
the moment. I know, but I've got to keep an eye
on them. Your hair will go grey in the most unexpected
pattern. You won't know where it will start.
It could be the pubes. It could be somewhere
on your chest. There's absolutely no reason for
it. It could be somewhere on your beard and it
won't be symmetrical. Trust me on this. It won't
be. That's my main gripe. I'm happy for it to
go, Grape. You look like a twat now. Do it evenly.
Jackson's the same. Do me the courtesy. Jackson's
the same. One of his chops is slightly more silver
than the other and it really bugs him. Yeah.
Yeah. And same for being a woman. You find like
two inch long hairs. randomly that you never
knew were there i found one growing out of my
ear the other day and not like the inside of
my ear the outside of my ear how is that root
that deep and without me noticing i don't know
how that should be growing out the other side
long right how praising you know they come out
of your chin if you haven't already suffered
with that again you go gray in weird ways Grey
hair is a very different texture to standard
hair. And also for a woman, when you hit perimenopause,
your hair can change texture again. So if you've
already started going grey and you've gotten
used to the new wave in the hair or whatever,
once those hormones start changing, your hair
will grow in an entirely different way. Does
that dye differently as well then? I think it
does, yeah. Naturally grey hair, because it's
coarser, holds colour for longer. Oh, that's
a benefit. I recommend using purple shampoo if
you've got blonde or natural highlight slash
grey hair and you want to accentuate those. That'll
counteract any yellow balancing. What else? Your
fingernails get a bit thicker sometimes or a
bit thinner. Your elbows tend to go really dry.
Oh, yeah, I forgot that as well. Yeah, I need
to moisturise my elbows. I meant to do it this
afternoon. I forgot. Oh, also, yeah, for in the
20s, moisturise. Yes. I wish somebody had told
me that. I wish somebody had told me that. Also,
don't smoke. Don't smoke. Do moisturise. It's
not big or clever. You're never too young to
moisturise. It does kind of look cool, though.
And a good retinol serum will be excellent overnight
healing. for anyone who still gets skin breakouts
as they get older oh hey kids extra aches and
pains you've got to look out for as well fuck
me yeah you wake up at 40 years old it doesn't
matter what part of you you move another part
will object oh and several times you'll wake
up yeah even in your 40s Say goodbye to one pee
and you're done before bed. Yeah, I remember
when I could sleep for like 12 hours straight
and not be woken up by bladder requirements.
I haven't even had children, so I can't put it
down to a pelvic floor issue. Me neither. Yeah,
I know. Sorry about that. Well, no, I'm not sorry
about that. so yeah get ready to have an empty
pint glass next to your bed just don't leave
it on your bedside cabinet and mistake it for
a glass of water waking up every morning i've
got a bad neck no matter how i've gone to sleep
somehow i've woken up with a bad neck both sides
somehow actually in fact this morning both shoulders
almost have got a bad neck and shoulder when
i'd gone on the other side and then exactly the
same so both sides fucked up in the morning and
it's lasted all day Oh, yeah, I've had a bad
side for a couple of years. Yeah, energy levels
plummet. Yeah. You know, just you don't, although
good things about turning 40, you don't give
as much of a fuck. That is true. You really,
really don't. And I have no idea what it is that
switches chemically in you. So, you know, the
not giving a fuck is really good. One thing you
say not giving a fuck. I kind of do because it's
just a bit embarrassing. You get to do the dad
poo smell. I guess not you personally. Oh, right.
But blokes, you'll know what I mean. Or if anyone's
gone into the toilet after your dad is a kid
and go, oh, that fucking stinks. Dads have a
certain smell about them. That will happen to
you. I don't know what is something with your
metabolism, I guess, but usually it's one of
those things you don't notice your own leavings
or you can tolerate your own smell. Your own
leavings. Are you still posh? I have done such
a stinky shit, I've remarked that. Open windows,
spray it. I've reached the dead shit smell. There
goes the poshness then. I'm counteracting it
now. I've disgusted myself with the stank. Brilliant.
That was funny. And it'll happen to you too.
Yay! Also, as a bloke, as a non -religious fella,
I'm a foreskin owner -operator. Of intactness,
yes. That will, at random, change shape. It'll
stick different ways, it'll be a different length
sometimes. So, good luck peeing. It's honestly,
it is a crapshoot. Literally, sit down. How you're
used to it coming out. It's like using a funnel,
but every now and again someone will be either
dremeling it or they'll snap an end off a different
way so it's got a jaggedy bit or something like
that. But it's shaped differently every time.
Sometimes it'll count in two different directions
at once. It'll seem to take a right angle in
mid -air. It can go sideways up, down, towards
you. I've pissed on my own leg somehow. It's
gone away from me and back. I do not know. I
literally imagined it coming up and arching back
towards you, knocking down your leg. Even at
a wide stance to kind of, oh, I'm prepared. I
don't know which way. I will try and counteract
this. No, don't know. It's like scrolling through
one of those random settings on the hose pipe
with the different nozzles. Cone, spray, fan,
jet. Who knows? What you need. Circumcision?
No. Oh. Well, I mean, it could be arranged. You
could have a... No, I'm happy with just washing
it. I'm good. What you could do... I quite enjoy
it. ...is invent a heewee. So, you know a sheewee?
Are you aware of the thing called a sheewee?
Yeah, for concerts and stuff. So a sheewee is
a funnel that a lady puts against her bits and
bobs when she's out camping. Now he's being posh.
And it urinates out of... One's extension onto
a bush of some variety. You could create like
a soft silicon funnel that goes over the end
of the penis. That sounds like misusing a flesh
slice. And it's just got like a little tube on
the end so that when you pee, it automatically
just goes out of the little tube funnel. And
then at the end of the day, you take it off,
you stick it in the microwave to wash it, and
then put it back on in the morning. Stick it
in the microwave to wash it? Yeah. Obviously,
you scrub it, but to sterilize it, you stick
it in the microwave. I did not know that. Yeah,
that's what ladies do with their moon cups. You
know what a moon cup is? Yeah. Okay. The clue's
the name, monthly. It's basically just what I
described, but with a hole in the bottom of the
stem. And instead of catching things and holding
them in place, it allows it to flow freely as
one requires. I think I'll just sit down. Yeah,
fair enough. But yeah, that's something for you
to look out for, guys. Patent pending. Enjoy.
Oh, fuck off. It's going to steal that. Oh, shit.
Oh, we can't say anything in this bloody show.
Bollocks. But moving on, because we've done quite
a bit already on the show. Yeah, considering
this was like unprepared, brief, let's chat shit
for half an hour. I'm just going to skip straight
to a bit of bibliotek based on something that
you've told me. Now, my book for bibliotek, something
you've reminded me of, explaining the she -wee
and the he -wee. Oh, right, okay. Wagstaff, the
wind -up boy. By Jan Needle. This is a book my
nana bought me as a kid. Right. I was probably
maybe just a couple of years maybe too young
for its intended audience. Oh, okay. I think
it's maybe aimed at maybe 13 to 15 year old.
I was maybe 9 or 10. Okay. The back of the book.
This is the story of a boy called Wagstaff. A
scruffy boy. A dirty boy. An idle little swine.
He's awful. So awful, in fact, that one day his
mother and father run away from home. Fuck, your
nan loved you. Wagstaff, being normal, decides
to have a lot of fun. Unfortunately, one of his
first games is on the hard shoulder of the motorway
from Hull to Liverpool. In a few seconds, he's
met the accident. Wagstaff isn't normal anymore.
But with the help of a good doctor, he can still
have great adventures. Because of what he learns
about his parents, he has to. Oh, my God. That
sounds really dark. Wagstaff is a cunt. He's
an absolute little fucking shit. But also, his
parents are shits to him. Right, okay. Poor kid's
a generational trauma sufferer. Yeah, pretty
much. In Smile of the 24, she had strong views
about babies. She didn't like them. This meant
for the first six years of his life, Wagstaff
never saw his mother, except when she changed
him. Once she changed him for a new sideboard.
but the police made her take it back. Oh, fuck.
The book breaks the fourth wall a few times by
addressing the reader directly and acknowledging
that they're reading a book. Okay, that's probably
good. One day, Wagstaff comes down, finds the
house is absolutely empty, no parents, except
for a note. Dear Wagstaff, you're so horrible
that we've run away together for a better life.
You'll never ever see us again. Your loving parents,
Mr and Mrs Williams. P .S. Don't forget to clean
the lavatory. It's Tuesday. Wow. So he checks
around the house to make sure his parents have
actually gone. And then also says a bit about
his early life. Right. And how horrible his parents
were to him in calling him names. Charming. The
first name they called Wagstaff was the unfairest
of the lot. They called him Smelly Bum. The reason
it was unfair was not because it was a lie, because
it wasn't. His bum did smell. Wagstaff rather
liked it and used to go under the covers to be
with it at night. But other people found it nasty.
The reason this was unfair was because Wagstaff
was not allowed to use the bathroom. So it was
pretty obvious his bum was going to smell. Everything
about him smelt. The reason he wasn't allowed
to use the bathroom was simple. His mum had been
brought up proper. Wagstaff was dirty. The bathroom
was clean. If Wagstaff used the bathroom, he
would become clean. Maybe. And the bathroom would
get dirty. His mum knew what she wanted most.
A clean bathroom. The reason why himself was
dirty in the first place was even simpler. As
he never let fly as a baby until his nappy had
been taken off, his mum spent more time cleaning
herself on the sofa than she did cleaning him.
By the time she got round to it, he was too dirty
to be taken to the bathroom. The reason why himself
had forgotten to look in the bathroom when he
was searching the house in Chapter 3 was because
he'd forgotten there was one. But I'll tell you
now. They weren't in there. They'd gone. Have
you noticed something about this chapter? All
but seven of the paragraphs start with the word
the, and all but nine with the phrase the reason.
This means that it's literature. Ask your teacher.
Now, let's have some more rude names. Oh my god.
This is, like, this is a child story. Yeah. This
is incredibly disturbing. Ah, the more disturbing
bit is in chapter 11, the accident. Oh, fuck.
If you're reading this in class, which I very
much doubt, you better tell the teacher to leave
the room now. If you're reading this in bed,
call your mother or father, or the doctor or
the vet. You'll need a bucket and a box of tissues
at least. Because here, Wagstaff's tale turns
nasty. Simple, really. After letting off 11 stink
bombs in the library, throwing two eggs at policemen
on point duty, and making disgusting noises through
the letterbox in an extremely expensive cafe
where old ladies and furs were drinking morning
coffee, Wagstaff got bored. He couldn't think
of any more mayhem to do, so he decided to play
in the motorway. You don't need me or a plumber
to tell you how silly that was, do you? Later
on, if he lives, Wagstaff will tell you himself.
But for now, close your eyes if you get sick
easily and read on. Here is the mighty M62 stretching
from Hull to Liverpool. Here's Tandal Hill near
Oldham. Here's Wagstaff running down the hill,
across the streams, over the farm tracks. Here
he is climbing the fence. and jumping onto the
hard shoulder. Half a mile away, here comes a
lorry. It's a nice lorry, a Mercedes 1632, with
18 tonnes of fish meal on its trailer. It's doing
exactly 60 miles per hour, which means that in
half a minute, it'll reach the spot where Wagstaff
is standing. And what is Wagstaff doing? Believe
it or not, he's fitting an egg into his catapult.
He's pulling it back on the rubber. He's aiming
it at the windscreen of the lorry. He's letting
go. Whee! Goes the egg. Right onto the windscreen.
Then splat! Inside the cab, the lorry driver
can't see much except wag stuff. Standing there
like an idiot, laughing fit to burst. Fish meal's
nasty stuff. The driver is not happy. He turns
the wheel with a grunt, then turns it back again.
Whee! Goes the trailer. Right onto the hard shoulder.
Then splat! Wagstaff, much to his surprise, is
flattened right across the middle by a big double
-tired wheel. His breakfast pops out of his mouth
and his stomach pops out of his trouser legs.
There's blood and guts all over the place. A
driver looks into the near -side mirror and watches
Wagstaff twitching on the hard shoulder. He seems
to be waving. The driver smiles. He'll not do
that again in a hurry, he says. He switches on
the washers to clean the egg off the windshield.
Wagstaff. blowing pretty pink bubbles with his
lips and nostrils, says. That's not fair. You're
bigger than me. And there's a picture of him
getting squashed. So eventually some people call.
Muck carts come to scrape him off the road. Turns
out somehow there's some nerves still working.
He's still alive. The ambulance driver doesn't
like the doctor on duty. So instead of sending
him around to the morgue, offloads him on the
doctor. who, he wanted to be a mechanic, makes
him into a wind -up boy. Oh, God. Because he's
now essentially spring -powered and battery -powered,
he can run faster, jump higher. Also, he's still
a twat. You do realise you've probably got PTSD
from reading that book as a child, right? It's
a kids' book. It's not real. I... But anyway...
I genuinely... I, um... genuinely flabbergasted
that something like that exists well they reminded
me when he's put back together he's got a tray
for his stomach so he can eat as much as he likes
just there we go we just empty that into a bin
carry on eating as much as he likes but also
the part where it's specified the doctor gives
him two cocks so it's a usual one but also he's
got he can use the end of his finger as a cock
and he ends up peeing out of a car window And
that made me giggle so much when I was reading
it. And that's why Nan asked me what I was reading.
And so I've been investigating the book. I'll
have to maybe read through some of the books
before I buy them for you. Oh, my God. Nice one,
Nan. Wow. Genuinely disturbed by that. His parents
have joined the circus and they've been taken
advantage of by their manager who's making them
do more and more death defying and stupid stunts.
They've gone over the Niagara Falls a couple
of times in more lethal sort of ways. He's trying
to cash in on the insurance policy. He hasn't
paid them for any of the money they've got from
the crowds that have come to the shows. But wank
stuff. They're going to die. I suppose I'd better
save them. And they're not grateful that he rescues
them at all. Oh my God, of course they're not.
You spoiled our show. Fine, fucking jump. Yeah.
Fuck, that, that is harrowing. I might be having
the reaction that I am rather than finding this
funny because I finished an audio book last week
called Girl A and it is about a woman who survives
really abusive parents. and they don't so much
like run away and abandon them but they're chained
up in their bedrooms they're not fed and things
like that and keep it light i know yeah so that
is potentially why i'm not finding your children's
book amusing but that would genuinely have upset
me as a child i would not have found that i would
not have found that funny i'm obviously very
sensitive I'm sure it's hilarious. I'm sure there's
plenty of people going, oh my God, Karen, you're
such a drama queen. No, they could be having
the exact same reactions. And you do have PTSD.
What the fuck were you reading? That's why it's
so funny to you. Thanks, Dan. Our grandparents,
they sure know best. It's a really cool episode.
We can, actually. We'll get back to you with
Girls Club or whatever it was called. What? With
Girls TV or whatever, with Sarah Cox and... Oh,
crap, I forgot we were going to do that, yeah.
Let's have a break and come back and round up
with that. Are you sure? Yeah. All right, then.
OK, so we have watched a snippet or segment of
The Girly Show. Yeah. Man, it wasn't as fun as
I remember. Yeah, I can confirm, I definitely...
Do not recall it in any way, shape or form. I
don't remember that era of the show where it
was just two hosts. I remember there being three
or four hosts. And I'm sure Claudia Winkleman
was one of the hosts. Turns out I might be wildly
misremembering that. Mandala effecting yourself.
I definitely watched the girly show. The one
we watched, there was a very unusual topic of...
footballers taking male models jobs yes yes pressing
issue of the day it clearly was a very pressing
issue and there's also clearly a difference between
modeling on a catwalk to posing for a photo because
yeah when they were told to model in inverted
commas they had no idea what to do with themselves
they just sort of like Did like a three -step
shuffle. And looked at each other a bit confused.
Yeah, one guy took his jacket off and went to
tie it around his waist and then changed his
mind. I think that's only because the voiceover
lady, who possibly is the same one from Eurotrash,
I think that must have been piping out to the
studio because that seemed to be... Like a prompt.
Yeah, why he took his jacket off. You could be
right, actually. Like Mitchum, live and kicking.
Yeah, didn't think about that. Yeah, that's probably
a good point. Very of the era. It wasn't fun,
I'm sorry. I either misremembered it wildly or
we were watching the tail end and... The dying
embers of... 90s ladies telly. Yeah. Oh, God.
It's so cringe. And then, like, Sarah Cox getting
that guy to fist a rubber chicken. Well, he was
demonstrating a previous job technique of removing
giblets. No, she was asking him to fist a rubber
chicken. Just to give listeners context. She
wanted to see his fisting technique. they did
seem a little bit flirty not as bad as uh paul
yates on the big breakfast flirty but they did
seem to be a little bit taken with the footballers
footballers and all that they earn a lot of money
anyway won't need to watch any more of that thank
you for the experience did not hold up no not
at all not well at all thank you very very much
listening we'll be back in another month in the
meantime don't forget to check out our fellow
studio channel 84 shows there is the variety
show the untitled sci -fi show who takes the
socks off the land before prime and super a to
z find us all at channel84 .co .uk or shortcut
to our bit of the website lightlyused .co .uk
i will try and find a link to wagstaff the wind
-up boy on the internet archive I don't want
to crack the spine to scan it. It won't survive.
It's too old a book. It'll disintegrate. I didn't
say when that was from either. 1987, the original
one, and it was reprinted 1989. Okay. So I would
have been eight when this was new. I don't think
my nan got it new, so I think I would have been
nine, maybe ten. Nice one, nan. Thanks for the
wildly inappropriate book for my age. Oh well,
at least it wasn't how to have safe sex. Although
that might have been less disturbing. Is that
a ladybird? That'll pop up one, surely. Oh God.
Adam and Karen have been lightly used. Visit
lightlyused .co .uk for more. To get in touch,
email pod at lightlyused .co .uk. Well, it did
seem to be giving a dubious salute and then stopped.
The doll, yeah, not Leighton. Oh, yeah, to be
clear. A creak and its arm had lowered. Its arm
had dropped. It was doing like an I'm a little
teapot stance. So if you sort of imagine one
arm was 90 degree bent hand upwards and the other
arm was behind the back, not doing what Adam
was suggesting or getting round to suggesting.
Weirdly, I meant to say. This was a Studio Channel
84 network show. To find more, head over to channel84
.co .uk now.