WEBVTT

00:00:01.610 --> 00:00:12.689
This is Rightly Used with Adam and Karen. Once

00:00:12.689 --> 00:00:14.849
again, we've come to the end of another chapter

00:00:14.849 --> 00:00:17.890
of the manifest trials and tribulations of Johnny

00:00:17.890 --> 00:00:20.149
Turnip, so it's time for another compilation.

00:00:21.170 --> 00:00:24.989
Thank you very much to Tim Butters of the Abergavenny

00:00:24.989 --> 00:00:29.570
Chronicle. This is Turnip Tales 3. The Once and

00:00:29.570 --> 00:00:40.310
Future King. Abergavenny Man claims he knows

00:00:40.310 --> 00:00:44.869
where King Arthur is buried. For centuries, historians

00:00:44.869 --> 00:00:47.090
have been debating if King Arthur was a real

00:00:47.090 --> 00:00:49.689
person, and if so, where the legendary British

00:00:49.689 --> 00:00:52.789
war leader's mortal remains can be found. However,

00:00:53.009 --> 00:00:55.670
according to semi -professional paranormal investigator

00:00:55.670 --> 00:00:58.920
Johnny Turnip, the case is now closed. after

00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:00.960
he and his friends had finally located the ancient

00:01:00.960 --> 00:01:04.019
burial site and planned to dig it up in a bid

00:01:04.019 --> 00:01:06.280
to return the once and future king to his rightful

00:01:06.280 --> 00:01:11.079
throne. Turnip told the Chronicle, It all began

00:01:11.079 --> 00:01:12.840
when we were rescued from our pig -hunting adventure

00:01:12.840 --> 00:01:14.719
in the Forest of Dean by my mate Tom Cruise.

00:01:15.359 --> 00:01:16.980
We were looking forward to having a little kip

00:01:16.980 --> 00:01:19.019
before going on a three -day bender. However,

00:01:19.200 --> 00:01:21.659
the devil makes light work for idle hands, and

00:01:21.659 --> 00:01:23.459
no sooner were me, Big Tony, and Puerto Rico

00:01:23.459 --> 00:01:25.500
Paul getting stuck into day two of our three

00:01:25.500 --> 00:01:27.659
-day well -deserved lager festival and arguing

00:01:27.659 --> 00:01:29.519
if David Bowie would have still been cool if

00:01:29.519 --> 00:01:32.060
he was fat, when I got a call from Tyke. That's

00:01:32.060 --> 00:01:35.040
my pet name for Cruz on the blower. JT, he cried,

00:01:35.239 --> 00:01:37.560
all enthusiastic in that nauseating way some

00:01:37.560 --> 00:01:40.760
Americans have. I've got four backstage VIP passes

00:01:40.760 --> 00:01:43.040
for Taylor Swift's gig in Cardiff. Who's in?

00:01:43.680 --> 00:01:46.030
Turn about it. Because Tyke was on speakerphone,

00:01:46.170 --> 00:01:47.989
Big Tony started putting his finger down his

00:01:47.989 --> 00:01:50.230
throat and making puking gestures. Meanwhile,

00:01:50.329 --> 00:01:52.069
Puerto Rico Paul gets up and starts doing this

00:01:52.069 --> 00:01:54.909
weird dance and singing Cruel Summer, with a

00:01:54.909 --> 00:01:57.250
gruff and guttural voice like a northern bloke

00:01:57.250 --> 00:01:59.030
who eats a lot of pies and keeps pigeons wood.

00:01:59.489 --> 00:02:02.569
I simply replied, No offence, Tyke. I know you

00:02:02.569 --> 00:02:04.430
mean well, but there's no Swifties here, mate.

00:02:04.890 --> 00:02:07.030
Taylor may be talented, but she's got too much

00:02:07.030 --> 00:02:08.650
of an over -the -hill cheerleader with emotional

00:02:08.650 --> 00:02:11.030
issues vibe for artists. We're more Bonnie Tyler

00:02:11.030 --> 00:02:14.259
men. Now there's a class act. A woman in white

00:02:14.259 --> 00:02:15.900
stilettos and a leather jacket who could out

00:02:15.900 --> 00:02:19.680
-drink us all before beating us at pool. Turnip

00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:22.479
ended, I once bumped into Tyler in the late 80s

00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:25.319
in Tredegar Snooker Hall. What a girl and a knight.

00:02:25.520 --> 00:02:27.219
She's got the sort of voice that can make rocks

00:02:27.219 --> 00:02:30.960
bleed. Turnip explained that after politely declining

00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:33.199
Tyke's generous offer, the Hollywood heartthrob

00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:35.759
said, Suit yourself, guys. I'll just take Clooney

00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:38.949
and Pitt. Those who love freebies. Kind of undecided

00:02:38.949 --> 00:02:41.289
which voice I was doing with that. Should I do

00:02:41.289 --> 00:02:46.590
a turnip voice or not? Ah, well. 30, 50. Turnip

00:02:46.590 --> 00:02:48.990
revealed. After Tyke had hung up, the form began

00:02:48.990 --> 00:02:51.330
ringing again, but this time it was number withheld,

00:02:51.469 --> 00:02:53.530
which meant it was probably Nanny and a Horror

00:02:53.530 --> 00:02:55.569
Show Turnip, the old witch loves to make prank

00:02:55.569 --> 00:02:58.530
calls. Hello, you old nappy -wearing, urine -soaked

00:02:58.530 --> 00:03:00.889
hag, I barked merrily. You're going to have to

00:03:00.889 --> 00:03:02.229
get up much earlier in the afternoon if you're

00:03:02.229 --> 00:03:06.460
going to catch this turnip out. Excuse me? Said

00:03:06.460 --> 00:03:08.960
an otherworldly voice, sounding not so much posh,

00:03:08.960 --> 00:03:12.280
but ancient. There's no excuse for your sort,

00:03:12.500 --> 00:03:16.319
I joked as an icebreaker. There's an uncomfortable

00:03:16.319 --> 00:03:19.759
silence, and the voice goes, Am I speaking to

00:03:19.759 --> 00:03:22.780
Sir Turnip? The gallant knight who saved the

00:03:22.780 --> 00:03:25.759
fairy realm and attempted to slay the legendary

00:03:25.759 --> 00:03:29.800
Grunterand? Who wants to know? I said in that

00:03:29.800 --> 00:03:32.360
guarded way I've adopted instinctively after

00:03:32.360 --> 00:03:35.000
a lifetime of being hounded by bureaucratic jobsworths

00:03:35.000 --> 00:03:39.699
and debt collectors. My name is Mr. Allot. You

00:03:39.699 --> 00:03:43.539
can call me Lance. I'm king of the realm. What?

00:03:43.840 --> 00:03:47.159
Like Keir Starmer, Elton John and that lot? I

00:03:47.159 --> 00:03:48.960
said playing along thinking it was Fast Eddie

00:03:48.960 --> 00:03:51.879
who was in with Horror Show and the Prank. No,

00:03:51.979 --> 00:03:55.280
not like those scoundrels at all. I serve the

00:03:55.280 --> 00:03:58.669
round table that was, is... And will forever

00:03:58.669 --> 00:04:03.090
be, he said impatiently. What, that weird men's

00:04:03.090 --> 00:04:04.889
club that put on the fireworks in Bailey Park?

00:04:05.490 --> 00:04:06.849
Well, if you're looking for some new members,

00:04:06.969 --> 00:04:09.189
it's not really my cup of tea. Appreciate all

00:04:09.189 --> 00:04:11.150
you do for the town, but thanks and no thanks.

00:04:11.750 --> 00:04:14.650
So Endep explained. He got a bit huffy at this

00:04:14.650 --> 00:04:18.350
point and shouted, Dampen your eyes, you impotent

00:04:18.350 --> 00:04:22.110
root vegetable! I'm Sir Lancelot, raised in the

00:04:22.110 --> 00:04:25.110
realm of fairy by the Lady of the Lake, orphaned

00:04:25.110 --> 00:04:28.490
by heir of King Ben. And rivaled in swordplay

00:04:28.490 --> 00:04:31.410
and joust, pure of heart, ungimmed of vision,

00:04:31.529 --> 00:04:34.790
and sworn companion and liege to the once future

00:04:34.790 --> 00:04:38.670
king. I will not tolerate your games. Turnip

00:04:38.670 --> 00:04:40.790
said, Well, then I was twiddling my finger next

00:04:40.790 --> 00:04:43.350
to my head and mouthing, Nutter alert! The boys,

00:04:43.509 --> 00:04:45.730
they were cracking up. However, there could have

00:04:45.730 --> 00:04:47.329
just been the side effects of copious amounts

00:04:47.329 --> 00:04:52.069
of sun and stellar. Turnip added, Anyhow, I'm

00:04:52.069 --> 00:04:53.790
not one to make sport of other people's delusions,

00:04:53.810 --> 00:04:56.209
and I have a lot of empathy for Nutjar, but...

00:04:56.379 --> 00:04:58.040
Before I could shout, why did you sleep with

00:04:58.040 --> 00:05:00.639
Guinevere, you slag? He stopped me in my tracks,

00:05:00.759 --> 00:05:04.120
and he said in a soft and soothing voice, Remember

00:05:04.120 --> 00:05:07.079
that recurring dream you had as a youngster,

00:05:07.160 --> 00:05:09.839
Sir Turnip? The one where you would pull the

00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:12.980
sword from the stone, and the world and its maidens

00:05:12.980 --> 00:05:18.120
fall at your feet? Yes, I said nervously before

00:05:18.120 --> 00:05:20.300
turning the phone off speaker, as Big Tony and

00:05:20.300 --> 00:05:22.139
Paul sat at eyeing me with wolfish interest,

00:05:22.439 --> 00:05:26.189
and smirking like evil gherkins. How do you know?

00:05:26.689 --> 00:05:30.930
I told you. I am no mere mortal. I am an eternal

00:05:30.930 --> 00:05:34.069
knight who lives in the hearts of men everywhere.

00:05:34.769 --> 00:05:37.649
I'm here to help you make that dream come true.

00:05:38.430 --> 00:05:40.569
You'll make me king of the world and all -powerful,

00:05:40.709 --> 00:05:42.970
I gasped before downing half a pint of lager

00:05:42.970 --> 00:05:48.189
in excitement. Not quite, he sighed. But you

00:05:48.189 --> 00:05:50.529
will have a significant part to play in the new

00:05:50.529 --> 00:05:53.370
world order. Where do I sign up? And do I get

00:05:53.370 --> 00:05:55.410
to hold Excalibur, I asked. as a combination

00:05:55.410 --> 00:05:57.970
of adrenaline and excessive alcohol intake nearly

00:05:57.970 --> 00:06:00.709
caused me to pass out. All will be revered, my

00:06:00.709 --> 00:06:03.589
white knight, upon a fiery steed. Yet there are

00:06:03.589 --> 00:06:06.910
secrets I can only divulge in person. Can you

00:06:06.910 --> 00:06:10.470
meet me at Llanfoy's Cemetery? An hour? He asked.

00:06:11.110 --> 00:06:14.829
I'm on it, I replied. Turn about it. If only

00:06:14.829 --> 00:06:17.129
I'd known then the lies and treachery Sir Lancelot

00:06:17.129 --> 00:06:19.410
was capable of. I would have saved us a lot of

00:06:19.410 --> 00:06:21.810
grief. And Puerto Rico pullers still have both

00:06:21.810 --> 00:06:29.750
his hands. Oh, God! Abergavennyman claims he's

00:06:29.750 --> 00:06:32.170
all that stands between the world and eternal

00:06:32.170 --> 00:06:36.410
night. And Abergavennyman has made the fanciful

00:06:36.410 --> 00:06:38.970
claim that he is all that stands between this

00:06:38.970 --> 00:06:42.370
world and eternal night. It's a bold statement,

00:06:42.410 --> 00:06:44.910
I know, but ask anyone. I've always been about

00:06:44.910 --> 00:06:47.370
the statement, explains semi -professional paranormal

00:06:47.370 --> 00:06:50.720
investigator Johnny Turnip. It was Sir Lancelot

00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:52.920
who awakened me to my true destiny, Turnip told

00:06:52.920 --> 00:06:54.699
the Chronicle, between mouthfuls of Scotch egg.

00:06:55.259 --> 00:06:58.220
For years, I'd sort of coaxed it along. No real

00:06:58.220 --> 00:07:00.500
ambition or motivation, other than to have a

00:07:00.500 --> 00:07:03.839
good time all the time. But deep down, I sort

00:07:03.839 --> 00:07:06.100
of knew I was born for something special, and

00:07:06.100 --> 00:07:09.079
my new mate Lance confirmed it. After meeting

00:07:09.079 --> 00:07:11.220
a mysterious stranger in Llanfoy's Cemetery,

00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:14.779
Turnip said, The scales finally fell from my

00:07:14.779 --> 00:07:18.060
eyes. I saw things how they truly are. Infinite.

00:07:19.500 --> 00:07:21.620
After claiming to be the reincarnation of Sir

00:07:21.620 --> 00:07:24.160
Lancelot, the stranger explained that he'd been

00:07:24.160 --> 00:07:26.220
sent back to Earth to convince Turnip to find

00:07:26.220 --> 00:07:29.180
and dig up the body of King Arthur before resurrecting

00:07:29.180 --> 00:07:32.040
the once and future king and restoring balance

00:07:32.040 --> 00:07:35.379
to the world. At first, it sounded crazier than

00:07:35.379 --> 00:07:37.259
a barrel of rattlesnakes at a full moon party,

00:07:37.519 --> 00:07:39.839
explained Turnip. But then, after listening to

00:07:39.839 --> 00:07:41.480
him ramble on like a head kiss for a few minutes,

00:07:41.959 --> 00:07:45.860
it all made sense. Turnip added, Lance said,

00:07:46.360 --> 00:07:49.100
that only a soul pure in thought and deed could

00:07:49.100 --> 00:07:51.639
wield Excalibur, channel King Arthur's spirit,

00:07:51.879 --> 00:07:55.220
and heal the world and its people. Instinctively,

00:07:55.220 --> 00:07:58.779
I knew he was talking about me. In a giddy rush,

00:07:58.959 --> 00:08:01.920
I quoted Shakespeare. Some are born great, some

00:08:01.920 --> 00:08:04.519
achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust

00:08:04.519 --> 00:08:07.360
upon them. But I take all those boxes, don't

00:08:07.360 --> 00:08:12.680
I? Yes, Johnny, you do, he said. You're a very

00:08:12.680 --> 00:08:16.410
special person. I thought you were going to say

00:08:16.410 --> 00:08:21.930
very special boy. I stood up in triumph, shook

00:08:21.930 --> 00:08:24.709
my fists at the heavens and roared, Who's laughing

00:08:24.709 --> 00:08:27.370
now, you bastards? And then a crow landed on

00:08:27.370 --> 00:08:29.410
the nearby gravestone and started shrieking at

00:08:29.410 --> 00:08:32.049
me, as if mocking my finest moment, which ruined

00:08:32.049 --> 00:08:34.610
my triumphant mood a bit. Sensing my disappointment,

00:08:34.909 --> 00:08:38.309
Lance grabbed both my hands and urged, There

00:08:38.309 --> 00:08:40.970
are forces of darkness gathering that seek to

00:08:40.970 --> 00:08:42.889
cast all that is good and pure in this world

00:08:42.889 --> 00:08:45.909
into a pit of no return. You're talking about

00:08:45.909 --> 00:08:48.889
the general election, aren't you? I said. Lance

00:08:48.889 --> 00:08:51.429
just sighed impatiently and replied, You alone

00:08:51.429 --> 00:08:55.070
have been chosen to resurrect King Arthur, wield

00:08:55.070 --> 00:08:59.769
Excalibur, and save humanity from itself. I am

00:08:59.769 --> 00:09:03.870
old, so old, and have not the strength or courage

00:09:03.870 --> 00:09:07.409
to do what needs doing. You are true to yourself,

00:09:07.629 --> 00:09:10.090
Turnip, and care not what the world thinks of

00:09:10.090 --> 00:09:14.059
you. That is power beyond words. and the reason

00:09:14.059 --> 00:09:15.919
you have been chosen by the Knights of the Round

00:09:15.919 --> 00:09:19.279
Table to lead this quest. Do you accept your

00:09:19.279 --> 00:09:23.220
mission? I replied, Man, my mate Tom Cruise would

00:09:23.220 --> 00:09:24.879
love all this Cloak and Dagger mission stuff.

00:09:25.220 --> 00:09:28.740
He thrives on it. But yes, yes, I accept. Where's

00:09:28.740 --> 00:09:31.779
my horse? Or have you got me a Harley? Turnip

00:09:31.779 --> 00:09:33.960
explained that Sir Lancelot looked at him quizzically

00:09:33.960 --> 00:09:38.320
before saying, This is no joke, Turnip. Long

00:09:38.320 --> 00:09:40.860
is the way, and hard the journey that leads from

00:09:40.860 --> 00:09:43.580
darkness to light. You will need fellow knights

00:09:43.580 --> 00:09:46.960
to aid you in your quest. One will fall in battle,

00:09:47.159 --> 00:09:50.580
one will betray your cause, and one will lose

00:09:50.580 --> 00:09:53.539
their mind to the terror that lies in the darkness

00:09:53.539 --> 00:09:57.559
between the stars. Pray tell, who will you name

00:09:57.559 --> 00:10:00.000
as your brothers -in -arms? You can pick four,

00:10:00.159 --> 00:10:04.539
no more. That's easy, I said. I'll take Big Tony,

00:10:04.659 --> 00:10:06.779
Puerto Rico Paul, Fast Eddie, and if he doesn't

00:10:06.779 --> 00:10:09.399
have to sign on this week, JFK Jones. They'll

00:10:09.399 --> 00:10:13.779
be my knights. Very well. said Lance. It is done.

00:10:14.440 --> 00:10:18.220
Summon your men and fill them with courage. Inspire

00:10:18.220 --> 00:10:21.179
them with vision. Strengthen their resolve and

00:10:21.179 --> 00:10:25.279
take the road to Llandevry in the morn. Hold

00:10:25.279 --> 00:10:28.639
on a minute. Repeat what you just said. I cried

00:10:28.639 --> 00:10:31.480
with a growing sense of unease. Looking all perplexed

00:10:31.480 --> 00:10:34.500
and pained, Lance began. Summon your men. No,

00:10:34.500 --> 00:10:36.799
no, no, no, no. I interrupted. The bit about

00:10:36.799 --> 00:10:39.360
taking the road to Llandevry. What's wrong with

00:10:39.360 --> 00:10:42.740
Llandevry? He asked. What's right with it? I

00:10:42.740 --> 00:10:45.759
bellowed. Have you ever been to Mid Wales? Well,

00:10:45.759 --> 00:10:48.279
I have. I lived in a cave just outside Bilth

00:10:48.279 --> 00:10:50.159
Wells for four years during Covid and I nearly

00:10:50.159 --> 00:10:53.220
lost my mind. Llandaffery's worse. I used to

00:10:53.220 --> 00:10:55.059
be dragged there as a youngster for family camping

00:10:55.059 --> 00:10:57.679
holidays and I don't think I've ever quite recovered.

00:10:58.120 --> 00:11:01.019
The boredom and tedium and the endless fields

00:11:01.019 --> 00:11:03.860
full of livestock and broken people. I can't

00:11:03.860 --> 00:11:07.460
go back. I can't. Tony explained. Since then

00:11:07.460 --> 00:11:09.850
I was distraught. Lance grabbed my head between

00:11:09.850 --> 00:11:12.049
his two hands, enclosed in white satin gloves,

00:11:12.289 --> 00:11:16.370
and said, Sir Turnip, you must slay this phobia

00:11:16.370 --> 00:11:19.129
of Llandavery, or to become your Achilles' heel.

00:11:19.730 --> 00:11:23.370
I implore you, gather your knights, travel to

00:11:23.370 --> 00:11:26.370
Llandavery Castle, kneel at the statue of Llewelyn

00:11:26.370 --> 00:11:28.730
ap Groved, and summon the spirit of the great

00:11:28.730 --> 00:11:31.909
prince. He alone can guide you to King Arthur's

00:11:31.909 --> 00:11:34.970
final resting place. The forces of light are

00:11:34.970 --> 00:11:38.500
counting upon you. Now go forth. and save us

00:11:38.500 --> 00:11:42.000
all. Turnip said, I've always had a sense of

00:11:42.000 --> 00:11:44.220
the dramatic, and Lance's words banished all

00:11:44.220 --> 00:11:46.279
the lingering dread I had of returning to Llandaffry.

00:11:46.940 --> 00:11:48.899
When your job's saving the world, you've got

00:11:48.899 --> 00:11:51.360
to put personal prejudices aside. Not everyone

00:11:51.360 --> 00:11:53.379
is lucky enough to live in the Mardy, and as

00:11:53.379 --> 00:11:55.379
an urban sophisticate, I knew I could probably

00:11:55.379 --> 00:11:57.580
grow to tolerate people from Mid Wales, rather

00:11:57.580 --> 00:12:01.240
than actively despise them. I high -fived Lance,

00:12:01.460 --> 00:12:03.639
roared, I'll be in touch when the job's done

00:12:03.639 --> 00:12:05.740
to discuss payment terms, and I ran like the

00:12:05.740 --> 00:12:07.779
wind to the pub to find the boys and let them

00:12:07.779 --> 00:12:12.379
know the plan. Turnip added, When I told Big

00:12:12.379 --> 00:12:14.399
Tony the news, he just looked up from his game

00:12:14.399 --> 00:12:16.279
of online roulette, shrugged his shoulders and

00:12:16.279 --> 00:12:18.000
said he'd drive as long as I paid for all the

00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:21.500
beer, which seemed fair. Fast Eddie was a bit

00:12:21.500 --> 00:12:23.340
dubious at first, because his only experience

00:12:23.340 --> 00:12:24.980
of Llandaffery had been the bad one with the

00:12:24.980 --> 00:12:26.620
Duke of Edinburgh scheme the thick kids at school

00:12:26.620 --> 00:12:29.200
used to do. But, when I say there's a bit of

00:12:29.200 --> 00:12:31.259
sword fighting involved, he jumped at a chance.

00:12:31.399 --> 00:12:34.860
He's always loved a scrap. JFK Jones was chomping

00:12:34.860 --> 00:12:36.559
at the bit, because, as his nickname suggests,

00:12:36.919 --> 00:12:40.179
he loves anything involving conspiracies. Puerto

00:12:40.179 --> 00:12:42.220
Rico Paul took a bit of persuading, because he'd

00:12:42.220 --> 00:12:43.860
had a few bookings that week for his Simon Le

00:12:43.860 --> 00:12:46.299
Bon tribute act. But, when I offered to buy him

00:12:46.299 --> 00:12:48.360
VIP tickets the next time Duran Duran was on

00:12:48.360 --> 00:12:51.490
tour... He reluctantly agreed. The gang was united.

00:12:51.789 --> 00:12:54.490
The game was on. As we took the road in Big Tony's

00:12:54.490 --> 00:12:56.490
brand new Redfoot Rascal, singing the swords

00:12:56.490 --> 00:12:58.350
of a thousand men, it all seemed like a bit of

00:12:58.350 --> 00:13:00.830
a lannish caper. But as we passed a sign reading

00:13:00.830 --> 00:13:03.710
Llandaffery, I knew instinctively that hell and

00:13:03.710 --> 00:13:10.309
all its hordes lay in wait. Abergavenny Man claims

00:13:10.309 --> 00:13:13.809
he can talk with the dead. After spending three

00:13:13.809 --> 00:13:16.669
nights and three days in Llandaffery, an Abergavenny

00:13:16.669 --> 00:13:19.460
Man remains convinced. he can converse with the

00:13:19.460 --> 00:13:22.220
dead. I'm a man of many talents, but I didn't

00:13:22.220 --> 00:13:24.279
think I was a natural medium, explained semi

00:13:24.279 --> 00:13:26.720
-professional paranormal investigator Johnny

00:13:26.720 --> 00:13:29.879
Turnip. But after my stint in Llandaffry, I'm

00:13:29.879 --> 00:13:32.100
convinced that not only do the dead walk amongst

00:13:32.100 --> 00:13:34.539
us, but with a little gentle persuasion, they

00:13:34.539 --> 00:13:36.679
can be persuaded to open up and let us know what

00:13:36.679 --> 00:13:40.039
life is like on the other side. Previously, on

00:13:40.039 --> 00:13:42.259
the advice of a mysterious stranger, Turnip had

00:13:42.259 --> 00:13:44.759
gathered together a potty of knights to travel

00:13:44.759 --> 00:13:46.639
to Llandaffry in the hope that he could find

00:13:46.639 --> 00:13:49.210
a clue. to the final resting place of the legendary

00:13:49.210 --> 00:13:52.649
King Arthur. Turnip explained, Clandevery's not

00:13:52.649 --> 00:13:55.149
exactly a bucket list destination, but when you're

00:13:55.149 --> 00:13:56.590
on a mission to resurrect the once and future

00:13:56.590 --> 00:13:58.669
king and save the world from the forces of darkness,

00:13:58.870 --> 00:14:02.230
you can't be picky. Anyhow, as Nanny Annie Horror

00:14:02.230 --> 00:14:04.110
Show Turnip always said when catching the bus

00:14:04.110 --> 00:14:06.029
to Bryn Mawr, it's not about the destination,

00:14:06.269 --> 00:14:09.370
but the journey. Having said that, the journey

00:14:09.370 --> 00:14:12.029
is pretty boring. Me, Big Tony, Fast Eddie and

00:14:12.029 --> 00:14:14.450
JFK Jones had to listen to Puerto Rico Paul whinge

00:14:14.450 --> 00:14:16.629
about how the kids today just don't get his Simon

00:14:16.629 --> 00:14:18.950
Le Bon tribute act. He moaned on about how they're

00:14:18.950 --> 00:14:21.149
all too busy filling their face with Botox, getting

00:14:21.149 --> 00:14:23.470
crap tattoos and watching influencers cook on

00:14:23.470 --> 00:14:25.809
TikTok to appreciate the edginess and avant -garde

00:14:25.809 --> 00:14:29.250
talent of a band like Duran Duran. Don't generalise,

00:14:29.330 --> 00:14:31.830
I said to him. Generation X may have had better

00:14:31.830 --> 00:14:34.710
music, style, attitude and social skills, but

00:14:34.710 --> 00:14:37.490
we can't give up on the youngsters. Once I get

00:14:37.490 --> 00:14:40.190
my hands on Excalibur... I'll build a new Nirvana.

00:14:40.649 --> 00:14:44.350
Don't you mean Utopia? Said JFK Jones. What?

00:14:44.649 --> 00:14:47.029
I replied. Never heard of them. Sounds like a

00:14:47.029 --> 00:14:49.750
lame Britpop band to me. That shut the mouthy

00:14:49.750 --> 00:14:51.809
tart up, and as Ed Sheeran came on the radio,

00:14:51.970 --> 00:14:54.429
Poet Rico Paul puked up a little blood. However,

00:14:54.669 --> 00:14:57.509
he soon recovered, as Big Tony shoved his Nevermind

00:14:57.509 --> 00:15:00.330
CD in, and we were soon all singing along enthusiastically

00:15:00.330 --> 00:15:02.429
to Smells Like Teen Spirit as we entered the

00:15:02.429 --> 00:15:05.350
town of Llandyfri, or as I like to call it, the

00:15:05.350 --> 00:15:09.340
Ashtray of Wales. Turnip told the Chronicle that

00:15:09.340 --> 00:15:11.159
after parking up in the car park behind the castle,

00:15:11.379 --> 00:15:13.220
they did what they always do when entering a

00:15:13.220 --> 00:15:15.460
new town or city, drink themselves senseless.

00:15:16.460 --> 00:15:18.899
He explained, You can't beat the feeling of walking

00:15:18.899 --> 00:15:20.919
into an unfamiliar pub in the day with your mates,

00:15:21.059 --> 00:15:23.299
lining up around and getting on a session. After

00:15:23.299 --> 00:15:25.240
a few hours, we'd forgotten we were even in Llandaffery.

00:15:25.580 --> 00:15:27.539
Big Tony even had a game of pool with the locals.

00:15:28.120 --> 00:15:30.000
They looked a bit dodgy to me, though, so I refused

00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:32.159
to speak to them, and just bleated like a sheep

00:15:32.159 --> 00:15:34.559
every time they looked my way. They soon got

00:15:34.559 --> 00:15:36.679
the message. I left as fast as he pulled out

00:15:36.679 --> 00:15:38.580
his harmonica and we started singing Dirty Old

00:15:38.580 --> 00:15:42.500
Town by the Pogues. Turnip added, After being

00:15:42.500 --> 00:15:44.360
thrown out of the pub, we all slept in the castle

00:15:44.360 --> 00:15:46.299
grounds that night by the statue of Llywelyn

00:15:46.299 --> 00:15:48.700
ap Grafydd. In the morning, I woke up with a

00:15:48.700 --> 00:15:51.059
sore head and a dry mouth, but I hadn't received

00:15:51.059 --> 00:15:52.840
any visions of the Welsh Prince about where King

00:15:52.840 --> 00:15:55.419
Arthur was buried. After a brief discussion with

00:15:55.419 --> 00:15:57.580
the boys about what to do next, we hit the pub

00:15:57.580 --> 00:16:00.480
again. I was waiting for that! Ended up sleeping

00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:02.759
in the castle grounds again. Ended up hungover

00:16:02.759 --> 00:16:05.980
again. Turnip explained, The horror of being

00:16:05.980 --> 00:16:08.000
in Llandaffery was forcing us to drink ourselves

00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:10.220
into oblivion every day, and we had to break

00:16:10.220 --> 00:16:13.019
the cycle. It was on day three that Big Tony

00:16:13.019 --> 00:16:14.940
suggested we take a trip to the nearby Linbrian

00:16:14.940 --> 00:16:16.740
Dam and Reservoir to get our heads right for

00:16:16.740 --> 00:16:20.259
the quest. Turnip explained, After a full English

00:16:20.259 --> 00:16:22.360
and five pints each to steady our balance and

00:16:22.360 --> 00:16:24.519
restore equilibrium, we set off in the Bedford

00:16:24.519 --> 00:16:26.639
Rascal and spent the day looking at the water

00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:28.320
and trying not to get on one another's nerves.

00:16:28.840 --> 00:16:30.539
If you've never been to Limbrian, it's worth

00:16:30.539 --> 00:16:32.279
a visit just because it's got Europe's biggest

00:16:32.279 --> 00:16:35.240
overflow pipe. Big Tony said he used to go kayaking

00:16:35.240 --> 00:16:36.860
down there and it's inflatable back in the day.

00:16:37.100 --> 00:16:39.000
But he's a bit porky for that sort of thing now.

00:16:39.740 --> 00:16:41.960
When we were there, the overflow was dry as dust.

00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:44.240
Fast Eddie made the outrageous claim once he

00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:45.840
skateboarded down there in similar conditions.

00:16:46.659 --> 00:16:48.480
Even though Eddie's very athletic and has got

00:16:48.480 --> 00:16:50.379
low centre of gravity because technically he's

00:16:50.379 --> 00:16:52.799
a pygmy, I still think he was lying out of boredom.

00:16:53.220 --> 00:16:55.340
Nevertheless, the seeds of some sort of crazy

00:16:55.340 --> 00:16:58.250
challenge had been sown. Spying some nearby shovels

00:16:58.250 --> 00:17:00.350
discarded by some lazy council workmen, Puerto

00:17:00.350 --> 00:17:02.169
Rico Paul suggested we could race to the bottom

00:17:02.169 --> 00:17:07.809
of the overflow on them. Turnip added, as we

00:17:07.809 --> 00:17:09.450
grabbed the shovels and jumped onto the concrete,

00:17:09.490 --> 00:17:11.349
some official busybody in high -vis shouted,

00:17:11.730 --> 00:17:14.509
Oi! Get back here! You can't do that! Puerto

00:17:14.509 --> 00:17:16.430
Rico Paul just stuck up his two fingers and roared,

00:17:16.769 --> 00:17:20.890
We're Gen X, baby! The party never ends! Whooping

00:17:20.890 --> 00:17:22.750
like Apache Braves, we all did a weird little

00:17:22.750 --> 00:17:25.349
war dance before sitting on the shovels. Turnip

00:17:25.349 --> 00:17:27.200
told the Chronicle, Then as they set off on the

00:17:27.200 --> 00:17:29.619
shovels, they soon picked up speed, and Luopim

00:17:29.619 --> 00:17:32.220
came to an abrupt end. His ashen face and silent,

00:17:32.380 --> 00:17:34.319
they clung to the hardwood sticking between their

00:17:34.319 --> 00:17:36.359
legs for dear life, and waited for the ride to

00:17:36.359 --> 00:17:39.599
end. Turnip explained, We all hit the pool of

00:17:39.599 --> 00:17:41.420
water at the bottom in one piece, apart from

00:17:41.420 --> 00:17:44.400
JFK Jones. He slammed into the concrete before

00:17:44.400 --> 00:17:46.299
hitting the water and sort of bounced a bit before

00:17:46.299 --> 00:17:48.740
rolling into the pool. Big Tony fished him out,

00:17:48.819 --> 00:17:50.880
but apart from a few bruises and a messed up

00:17:50.880 --> 00:17:53.339
ankle he couldn't put any weight on, he was okay.

00:17:53.839 --> 00:17:56.519
Pretty lucky. Puerto Rico Paul on the other end

00:17:56.519 --> 00:17:59.579
hadn't physically hurt himself, but he was hyperventilating

00:17:59.579 --> 00:18:01.559
and having some millennial -style panic attack.

00:18:01.880 --> 00:18:03.839
We made a point of ignoring it until it passed.

00:18:04.119 --> 00:18:06.559
And then I said, well, that was a bit of fun.

00:18:06.740 --> 00:18:08.960
But it's time to get back to Fendavry and carry

00:18:08.960 --> 00:18:12.799
on with the quest. Knights, on me. Turnip explained.

00:18:13.470 --> 00:18:15.549
As we walked back up the overflow in single file

00:18:15.549 --> 00:18:18.190
with Big Tony carrying JFK Jones who was fading

00:18:18.190 --> 00:18:20.329
in and out of consciousness with pain, the guy

00:18:20.329 --> 00:18:22.170
in high vis was having a go but you could see

00:18:22.170 --> 00:18:23.950
from our demeanour and the way Fast Eddie suddenly

00:18:23.950 --> 00:18:26.789
started doing spontaneous karate moves that he

00:18:26.789 --> 00:18:28.990
needed to leave us the hell alone. We had a world

00:18:28.990 --> 00:18:31.369
to save and a dead prince to talk to. I know

00:18:31.369 --> 00:18:37.529
Jobsworth was going to interfere with that. Epic

00:18:37.529 --> 00:18:40.049
of any man claims to have a vision that will

00:18:40.049 --> 00:18:45.039
change the world. An Abergavenny man who went

00:18:45.039 --> 00:18:47.700
on a drinking holiday in Llandaffery has claimed

00:18:47.700 --> 00:18:50.200
that on the third night he was blessed with a

00:18:50.200 --> 00:18:52.440
vision that could turn the world on its head.

00:18:52.579 --> 00:18:56.099
Oh my god. Semi -professional paranormal investigator

00:18:56.099 --> 00:18:58.779
Johnny Turnip confessed to the Chronicle that

00:18:58.779 --> 00:19:00.559
he and his friends' quest to find the final resting

00:19:00.559 --> 00:19:02.579
place of King Arthur had hit a bit of a roadblock

00:19:02.579 --> 00:19:04.839
in the Carmarthenshire market town because we

00:19:04.839 --> 00:19:06.220
were bored out of our skulls and ended up drinking

00:19:06.220 --> 00:19:09.279
ourselves senseless every day and night. He explained,

00:19:09.480 --> 00:19:11.720
Our sacred mission to resurrect the once and

00:19:11.720 --> 00:19:13.720
future king... It turned into a bit of a drinking

00:19:13.720 --> 00:19:16.380
holiday. Things came to a head on the third day

00:19:16.380 --> 00:19:18.400
when JFK Jones broke his ankle when we were racing

00:19:18.400 --> 00:19:20.420
down the overflow at Lindbriand Dam and Reservoir

00:19:20.420 --> 00:19:23.279
on shovels. In hindsight, it was a silly thing

00:19:23.279 --> 00:19:26.700
to do, but so was visiting Llandaffrae. Anyhow,

00:19:26.779 --> 00:19:29.079
after JFK had passed out with pain, we had to

00:19:29.079 --> 00:19:30.559
bite the bullet and take him to the nearest hospital.

00:19:30.960 --> 00:19:32.319
We dumped him there and said he'd done it playing

00:19:32.319 --> 00:19:34.480
football. After five minutes of waiting for him

00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:36.690
to regain consciousness... We began to get a

00:19:36.690 --> 00:19:38.569
bit twitchy, so we left the hospital, jumped

00:19:38.569 --> 00:19:40.569
in Big Tony's bed for a rascal, headed back to

00:19:40.569 --> 00:19:44.049
Llandaffery for a pint. As you do. Turnip explained.

00:19:44.609 --> 00:19:46.369
Time was a habit of dragging in Llandaffery,

00:19:46.450 --> 00:19:49.210
so one pint turned into eight. And before you

00:19:49.210 --> 00:19:51.430
knew it, no one was in a fit state to pick JFK

00:19:51.430 --> 00:19:53.430
up when he called. We told him to get a taxi

00:19:53.430 --> 00:19:54.730
and meet us back at the castle where we were

00:19:54.730 --> 00:19:57.670
camping. In the meantime, we bumped into a Llandaffery

00:19:57.670 --> 00:19:59.730
local called Cheeky Gill, who was telling us

00:19:59.730 --> 00:20:01.589
all about the town that had trapped him and turned

00:20:01.589 --> 00:20:06.099
him into a borderline alcoholic. When Cheeky

00:20:06.099 --> 00:20:08.380
Gil told us his name, Big Tony, Puerto Rico Paul

00:20:08.380 --> 00:20:10.859
and Fast Eddie were howling with laughter. Not

00:20:10.859 --> 00:20:12.440
so much because it was a weird nickname, but

00:20:12.440 --> 00:20:15.440
because Gil was anything but cheeky. He was a

00:20:15.440 --> 00:20:17.299
sort of moody bloke in the pub who scowled a

00:20:17.299 --> 00:20:19.119
lot and started fights with better looking and

00:20:19.119 --> 00:20:21.440
cooler men. He was alright with us, though. Probably

00:20:21.440 --> 00:20:23.180
because he could sense that under the expensive

00:20:23.180 --> 00:20:25.359
leisure wearing gold jewellery, we were all touched

00:20:25.359 --> 00:20:28.759
by the hand of fate. It's a GLC in Llandaffry.

00:20:29.420 --> 00:20:32.960
Now is it. You know as I love you, because I

00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:36.289
fucks you and buys you checks. Let me tell you

00:20:36.289 --> 00:20:38.809
about this toilet I call a home, said Gil when

00:20:38.809 --> 00:20:41.670
he got stuck into his six rum and shrub. A century

00:20:41.670 --> 00:20:43.990
or two ago, there were seventy pubs in this neck

00:20:43.990 --> 00:20:45.430
of the woods for a lost soul to drink themselves

00:20:45.430 --> 00:20:49.890
blind. We even had a beer -drinking goat. After

00:20:49.890 --> 00:20:52.430
saying his piece, Gil leaned back in his chair

00:20:52.430 --> 00:20:54.710
and eyed us all in turn as the sheer magnitude

00:20:54.710 --> 00:20:56.890
of having seventy pubs in a town where the population

00:20:56.890 --> 00:20:58.930
was a little over two thousand began to sink

00:20:58.930 --> 00:21:01.789
in. Puerto Rico Paul slurped his lager and said,

00:21:02.049 --> 00:21:04.089
A thousand pubs wouldn't be able to keep me in

00:21:04.089 --> 00:21:06.559
this crap house. Cheeky Gil eyed him furiously

00:21:06.559 --> 00:21:08.960
like maniacs in small towns often do. Leaned

00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:11.019
forward in his chair, slammed his fist down the

00:21:11.019 --> 00:21:12.980
table causing our drinks to spill and roared,

00:21:13.019 --> 00:21:16.279
All right you are sir! Every eve I fall asleep

00:21:16.279 --> 00:21:18.660
drunk and hormonal with plans to sober up and

00:21:18.660 --> 00:21:21.079
leave in the morn. Yet the horror of opening

00:21:21.079 --> 00:21:23.339
your eyes ain't land of reason bearable without

00:21:23.339 --> 00:21:26.900
booze. So I reach for the nearest bottle. It's

00:21:26.900 --> 00:21:29.799
a vicious cycle boys. Get out while you can.

00:21:30.299 --> 00:21:34.480
It's too late for the likes of me. Cheeky Gill

00:21:34.480 --> 00:21:36.599
then began crying uncontrollably and shouting

00:21:36.599 --> 00:21:39.559
for us to get out of the pub on his town. It

00:21:39.559 --> 00:21:41.019
was at this moment some old -timer at the bar

00:21:41.019 --> 00:21:43.140
pulled out a guitar and started singing Mr. Tamperine

00:21:43.140 --> 00:21:46.740
Man. Oh, God. Before long, the whole pub, all

00:21:46.740 --> 00:21:49.319
seven of them, including Gill, were singing merrily

00:21:49.319 --> 00:21:51.759
along. And, although we like to sing along as

00:21:51.759 --> 00:21:53.559
much as the next man, it had been a long day

00:21:53.559 --> 00:21:55.619
and decided to return to the castle and get some

00:21:55.619 --> 00:21:59.339
kip. Sensible. We were abandoning our quest to

00:21:59.339 --> 00:22:01.440
find King Arthur and leave in the morning. The

00:22:01.440 --> 00:22:03.240
cost of staying in Llandaffery was too high.

00:22:03.579 --> 00:22:05.319
Our collective mental health had taken a proper

00:22:05.319 --> 00:22:07.940
kicking as a breaking point. We'd seen a lot

00:22:07.940 --> 00:22:09.839
on our travels, but nothing had quite prepared

00:22:09.839 --> 00:22:12.400
us for the town that time forgot. Turnip explained

00:22:12.400 --> 00:22:14.339
that as they settled down in their sleeping bags

00:22:14.339 --> 00:22:16.079
for the last night amongst the empty beer cans

00:22:16.079 --> 00:22:17.960
and dog ends that lay scattered amongst the castle

00:22:17.960 --> 00:22:20.779
ruins, his last thought before sleep stole his

00:22:20.779 --> 00:22:23.259
eyes was, now that he's probably broken his ankle,

00:22:23.500 --> 00:22:25.339
I wonder if JFK Jones would love to wear one

00:22:25.339 --> 00:22:28.200
of those big ski boot things. And he fell asleep

00:22:28.200 --> 00:22:34.940
laughing. Yet before dawn, he had what he believed

00:22:34.940 --> 00:22:40.839
was a waking dream or mystical vision. At first,

00:22:40.920 --> 00:22:42.819
he was just like any other morning in Llandaffry,

00:22:42.920 --> 00:22:45.759
explained Turnip. The general sense of oppression

00:22:45.759 --> 00:22:47.859
and grey clouds was broken only by the occasional

00:22:47.859 --> 00:22:49.900
crow that looked like he wanted to eat my eyes.

00:22:51.440 --> 00:22:53.319
I strolled round to see the rest of the boys

00:22:53.319 --> 00:22:55.539
asleep and snoring, and as I strolled out of

00:22:55.539 --> 00:22:57.539
the castle ruins to have a slash, I had a shock

00:22:57.539 --> 00:23:00.009
of my life. That big statue of Lweling Epigravid

00:23:00.009 --> 00:23:01.589
that's usually perched on the rock there was

00:23:01.589 --> 00:23:04.509
walking towards me. Beneath the helmet, I could

00:23:04.509 --> 00:23:06.430
see nothing but these big red eyes glowing in

00:23:06.430 --> 00:23:09.329
the darkness. As it approached, I felt compelled

00:23:09.329 --> 00:23:12.369
to go down on one knee and said, My prince, you

00:23:12.369 --> 00:23:15.289
honour me with your presence. Those red demonic

00:23:15.289 --> 00:23:17.789
eyes continued to stare right through me, and

00:23:17.789 --> 00:23:19.809
as he pointed his spear at my head, I thought

00:23:19.809 --> 00:23:21.990
he was going to impale me. But he simply said

00:23:21.990 --> 00:23:23.990
in a voice that sounded like twenty mouths speaking

00:23:23.990 --> 00:23:28.170
at once, There now sits at the head of this country

00:23:28.170 --> 00:23:31.430
a knight that has neither been tested in combat,

00:23:31.750 --> 00:23:35.650
shaped by adversity, or proved worthy of the

00:23:35.650 --> 00:23:40.150
seven trials. This shames the land and the generations

00:23:40.150 --> 00:23:43.710
of blood spilled on it. What do you say to this?

00:23:44.410 --> 00:23:46.769
Well, I didn't vote Labour if that's what you're

00:23:46.769 --> 00:23:50.390
getting at. I replied, then again, I never vote

00:23:50.390 --> 00:23:53.470
because the government always gets in. Turnip

00:23:53.470 --> 00:23:56.440
explained. He seemed to like the wisecrack, and

00:23:56.440 --> 00:23:58.539
for a moment, those red eyes of his turned blue

00:23:58.539 --> 00:24:01.619
before he boomed. Yours are of a common clay,

00:24:01.819 --> 00:24:06.140
Turnip, much like the great Arthur himself. Now,

00:24:06.339 --> 00:24:10.079
more than ever, this sacred vial has need of

00:24:10.079 --> 00:24:13.240
men such as you. Turnip revealed, When the ghost

00:24:13.240 --> 00:24:14.880
knight finally revealed where King Arthur was

00:24:14.880 --> 00:24:16.859
buried and where Excalibur could be found, I

00:24:16.859 --> 00:24:18.599
felt like I have since I was a hyperactive toddler

00:24:18.599 --> 00:24:21.339
that broke things a lot. I was a born prince

00:24:21.339 --> 00:24:23.259
of the universe, and with the power to change

00:24:23.259 --> 00:24:25.900
the world, and come hell or land every, I was

00:24:25.900 --> 00:24:34.740
going to do exactly that. Abergavenny Man claims

00:24:34.740 --> 00:24:40.500
everything we know about history is wrong. And

00:24:40.500 --> 00:24:43.000
Abergavenny Man, on a self -appointed quest to

00:24:43.000 --> 00:24:45.240
find the burial place of the legendary King Arthur,

00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:47.799
claims he was blessed with a vision that allowed

00:24:47.799 --> 00:24:51.319
him to. see things how they really are. The veil's

00:24:51.319 --> 00:24:54.059
been lifted from my eyes, explained semi -professional

00:24:54.059 --> 00:24:57.480
paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. Pretty

00:24:57.480 --> 00:24:59.180
much everything we know about history is wrong.

00:24:59.420 --> 00:25:01.779
I can't give too much away because it could jeopardise

00:25:01.779 --> 00:25:04.619
my ongoing quest, but needless to say, the truth

00:25:04.619 --> 00:25:07.720
is stranger than fiction. All I can say is once

00:25:07.720 --> 00:25:10.319
I wield Excalibur and awake the Great Bear, many

00:25:10.319 --> 00:25:13.700
historical injustices will be put right. After

00:25:13.700 --> 00:25:17.480
forming a war party made up of contemporary knights,

00:25:18.250 --> 00:25:20.670
Turnip and his crew travelled to Llandewri in

00:25:20.670 --> 00:25:22.690
the hopes of finding the once and future king's

00:25:22.690 --> 00:25:25.650
final resting place. Apart from soul -crushing

00:25:25.650 --> 00:25:27.990
boredom, some hangovers from hell, and in JFK

00:25:27.990 --> 00:25:30.730
Jones' case, a busted -up ankle, Llandewri offered

00:25:30.730 --> 00:25:32.910
us nothing, apart from a vision that changed

00:25:32.910 --> 00:25:35.730
everything. Turnip told the Chronicle that he

00:25:35.730 --> 00:25:38.269
was visited by the soul of Lwelyn Apgrawydd in

00:25:38.269 --> 00:25:40.549
the early hours. He alleges that the Welsh prince

00:25:40.549 --> 00:25:42.589
showed him where King Arthur was buried, and

00:25:42.589 --> 00:25:45.410
the lake Excalibur had been dumped in. I've never

00:25:45.410 --> 00:25:47.509
had a proper vision before. But it was like watching

00:25:47.509 --> 00:25:50.230
a Netflix trailer, explained Turnip. It only

00:25:50.230 --> 00:25:52.509
lasted about two or three minutes, but it changed

00:25:52.509 --> 00:25:54.869
me completely. Now I see everything in a different

00:25:54.869 --> 00:26:00.569
light. Does it start with da -dun? Turnip added,

00:26:00.769 --> 00:26:03.450
The trouble is, although talking to a dead prince

00:26:03.450 --> 00:26:05.329
who has just come back as a statue is extremely

00:26:05.329 --> 00:26:07.569
trippy, I didn't have time to enjoy the mellow

00:26:07.569 --> 00:26:09.230
afterglow of someone who's just pretty much travelled

00:26:09.230 --> 00:26:11.410
backwards in time and seen the truth. Had to

00:26:11.410 --> 00:26:13.769
rally the troops. We had no time to waste. The

00:26:13.769 --> 00:26:15.650
corpse of King Arthur was in the Vale of Glamorgan.

00:26:16.029 --> 00:26:21.829
Or, to be more precise, Dunraven Bay. The knights

00:26:21.829 --> 00:26:24.250
of the TV dinner tray, as we jokingly refer to

00:26:24.250 --> 00:26:26.170
ourselves, were going to the seaside to kick

00:26:26.170 --> 00:26:28.450
down a few castles of sand and change the course

00:26:28.450 --> 00:26:32.109
of history. Turnip explained that as they roared

00:26:32.109 --> 00:26:34.029
out of Llandavery in Big Tony's Bedford Rascal,

00:26:34.210 --> 00:26:35.990
they all breathed a collective sigh of relief.

00:26:36.710 --> 00:26:38.509
It was like an immense weight had been lifted

00:26:38.509 --> 00:26:40.609
from our shoulders. Staying at Llandavery had

00:26:40.609 --> 00:26:42.980
been trial by fire. After having survived three

00:26:42.980 --> 00:26:44.779
days and nights in that place, nothing could

00:26:44.779 --> 00:26:47.359
faze us. We were riders in the storm, and the

00:26:47.359 --> 00:26:50.519
world was ours for the taking. Turnip revealed

00:26:50.519 --> 00:26:52.299
that as they cruised along, drinking beer and

00:26:52.299 --> 00:26:54.660
arguing if Tony Soprano could beat Vito Corleone

00:26:54.660 --> 00:26:56.859
in the fistfight, the mood soon turned sour.

00:26:57.619 --> 00:26:59.839
Puerto Rico Paul had one of his heads on, explained

00:26:59.839 --> 00:27:02.279
Turnip. He started going on about how there were

00:27:02.279 --> 00:27:04.460
hardly any fat kids in the 1980s compared with

00:27:04.460 --> 00:27:06.849
now. He argued that back then, those who were

00:27:06.849 --> 00:27:08.490
overweight are made up for it by being comedians

00:27:08.490 --> 00:27:10.109
and making us all laugh instead of mourning and

00:27:10.109 --> 00:27:13.890
having panic attacks. Turnabout it. It would

00:27:13.890 --> 00:27:15.349
have been a fair point if Paul was making some

00:27:15.349 --> 00:27:17.990
sort of socio -economic point. But his real target

00:27:17.990 --> 00:27:20.970
was Big Tony. Even as a kid, Big Tony's been

00:27:20.970 --> 00:27:23.730
big -boned, but in a sort of buff way. And although

00:27:23.730 --> 00:27:25.329
he's always drunk and eaten enough for three

00:27:25.329 --> 00:27:27.690
men, he's a grafter and sweats it out on sight.

00:27:28.509 --> 00:27:30.609
However, like a lot of people, Big Tony got a

00:27:30.609 --> 00:27:32.309
bit porky during lockdown and he hasn't really

00:27:32.309 --> 00:27:35.029
managed to lose the timber. Comfort eating in

00:27:35.029 --> 00:27:37.589
Disney Plus ruined him. Although he's never mentioned

00:27:37.589 --> 00:27:39.329
it, we know his ongoing weight struggles are

00:27:39.329 --> 00:27:42.430
a sore point. I would respect that. But not Paul.

00:27:43.309 --> 00:27:45.750
Ignoring the strange and curiously vacant look

00:27:45.750 --> 00:27:47.690
in Tony's eyes, he went off one of those narky

00:27:47.690 --> 00:27:49.809
rants of his and began boasting that even though

00:27:49.809 --> 00:27:51.309
he's got his snout permanently shoved in the

00:27:51.309 --> 00:27:53.089
macadie's trough, it's impossible for him to

00:27:53.089 --> 00:27:56.509
personally put on weight. And like Sam, he sneered

00:27:56.509 --> 00:27:59.049
while looking pointedly at Big Tony. That's a

00:27:59.049 --> 00:28:02.700
bit mean. That was the final straw. Torn slammed

00:28:02.700 --> 00:28:04.839
on the brakes, dragged Puerto Rico Paul out of

00:28:04.839 --> 00:28:06.839
the van, slapped him a few times and threw him

00:28:06.839 --> 00:28:09.380
in a ditch on the side of the road. Never knowing

00:28:09.380 --> 00:28:11.339
when to shut up, Paul just looked at him from

00:28:11.339 --> 00:28:13.299
his prone position and lisped in a camp voice.

00:28:13.740 --> 00:28:16.839
And all because the lady loves milk today. Roaring

00:28:16.839 --> 00:28:19.200
like a temented bull, Big Tony thundered to the

00:28:19.200 --> 00:28:21.200
back of the van, threw open the doors, which

00:28:21.200 --> 00:28:24.079
woke up Fast Eddie and JFK Jones, grabbed a jerry

00:28:24.079 --> 00:28:26.460
can of petrol, marched back to Paul, began to

00:28:26.460 --> 00:28:28.279
pour the contents all over him while bellowing,

00:28:28.359 --> 00:28:31.289
I'll burn you, you bastard! Puerto Rico Paul

00:28:31.289 --> 00:28:33.450
was screaming at him defiantly. Where's your

00:28:33.450 --> 00:28:37.569
head at, fat boy? I shouldn't be laughing at

00:28:37.569 --> 00:28:40.029
this. I was attempting to wrestle a jerry can

00:28:40.029 --> 00:28:41.910
out of his hand, but with his blood up, Big Tom

00:28:41.910 --> 00:28:44.250
can be an unstoppable force of nature. As he

00:28:44.250 --> 00:28:45.890
threw the jerry can to the floor and reached

00:28:45.890 --> 00:28:48.380
for his lighter, I feared the worse. But at that

00:28:48.380 --> 00:28:50.500
moment, Fast Eddie leapt on his back and started

00:28:50.500 --> 00:28:52.740
gnawing at his ear determinedly like a ferocious

00:28:52.740 --> 00:28:56.200
rat. Thankfully, he did the trick and brought

00:28:56.200 --> 00:28:58.960
the big man to his senses. He roared like a wounded

00:28:58.960 --> 00:29:00.960
elephant as he fell to his knees and started

00:29:00.960 --> 00:29:04.259
sobbing. At the same time, Puerto Rico Paul pulled

00:29:04.259 --> 00:29:06.500
himself up, looked at Big Tony dismissively and

00:29:06.500 --> 00:29:10.519
went to light a fag. No, you tool, I cried. You're

00:29:10.519 --> 00:29:12.819
covered in petrol. Paul threw the lighter and

00:29:12.819 --> 00:29:15.079
fagged to the ground and muttered, For Christ's

00:29:15.079 --> 00:29:17.759
sake, it was only a joke. and jumped back in

00:29:17.759 --> 00:29:21.779
the van to sulk. Meanwhile, I approached Big

00:29:21.779 --> 00:29:24.500
Tony cautiously. As fast as he held the big man's

00:29:24.500 --> 00:29:26.559
hand and softly sang, don't look back in anger

00:29:26.559 --> 00:29:32.779
to him. This is an emotional rollercoaster, this

00:29:32.779 --> 00:29:35.920
one. What the hell's happening to me? I was going

00:29:35.920 --> 00:29:38.619
to burn Paul alive, cried Big Tony as I came

00:29:38.619 --> 00:29:41.460
near. Don't beat yourself up over it, son, I

00:29:41.460 --> 00:29:43.349
said. There are sinister forces at work that

00:29:43.349 --> 00:29:45.150
seek to divide us. You weren't in your right

00:29:45.150 --> 00:29:46.970
mind and would probably be in control by a higher

00:29:46.970 --> 00:29:49.869
power when you tried to commit, Paul. This seemed

00:29:49.869 --> 00:29:51.710
to satisfy him, so he jumped back in the van,

00:29:51.789 --> 00:29:53.769
he hugged Puerto Rico Paul, and the two of them

00:29:53.769 --> 00:29:56.470
made up over a flagon of fortified cider. It

00:29:56.470 --> 00:29:57.789
would take more than weight issues and demonic

00:29:57.789 --> 00:30:01.329
possession to divide those two. As Big Tony drove,

00:30:01.609 --> 00:30:03.849
Sir Lancelot's stark warning to me at the beginning

00:30:03.849 --> 00:30:06.490
of the quest rang in my ears. Some will fall

00:30:06.490 --> 00:30:10.000
in battle! Some will betray your cause and others

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:13.079
will lose their minds to the terror that lies

00:30:13.079 --> 00:30:17.140
beyond worlds. I silently sat in the van and

00:30:17.140 --> 00:30:19.079
tried hard not to blame Paul for being covered

00:30:19.079 --> 00:30:20.880
in petrol and stopping us all from sparking up.

00:30:21.240 --> 00:30:24.819
We all really needed a fag. To compensate, Big

00:30:24.819 --> 00:30:26.799
Tony put on David Bowie's Life on Mars in the

00:30:26.799 --> 00:30:29.500
car stereo. As I listened to Thin White Duke

00:30:29.500 --> 00:30:32.180
singing about America's tortured brow. I reflected

00:30:32.180 --> 00:30:33.920
grimly on my vision and wondered how I could

00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:35.500
tell the boys that before this quest was over,

00:30:35.660 --> 00:30:37.500
we'd not only have to do battle with the enemy

00:30:37.500 --> 00:30:40.440
within, but being as from another planet as well.

00:30:48.900 --> 00:30:52.099
Abergavenny Man claims aliens walk amongst us.

00:30:53.359 --> 00:30:56.420
And Abergavenny Man has made the bold claim that

00:30:56.420 --> 00:30:58.579
not only do aliens walk amongst us, but they

00:30:58.579 --> 00:31:01.470
have done since medieval times. and he also claims

00:31:01.470 --> 00:31:03.690
he'll soon have hard evidence to back up his

00:31:03.690 --> 00:31:08.150
sensational claims. Ooh. Semi -professional paranormal

00:31:08.150 --> 00:31:11.170
investigator Johnny Turnip told the Abergavenny

00:31:11.170 --> 00:31:12.950
Chronicle that he stumbled across the existence

00:31:12.950 --> 00:31:15.750
of alien lifeforms by accident when he was on

00:31:15.750 --> 00:31:18.329
a magical mystery tour to find the final resting

00:31:18.329 --> 00:31:21.589
place of the legendary King Arthur. A dead knight

00:31:21.589 --> 00:31:23.650
shared a vision with me in Llandaffry, where

00:31:23.650 --> 00:31:25.809
the Great Bear was buried, and who put him there,

00:31:25.930 --> 00:31:28.490
explained Turnip. He was an eye -opener, all

00:31:28.490 --> 00:31:32.299
right. You see, Contrary to popular belief, King

00:31:32.299 --> 00:31:34.579
Arthur wasn't just fighting the Saxons. He was

00:31:34.579 --> 00:31:36.259
also battling visitors from under the planet.

00:31:37.140 --> 00:31:39.019
Once he'd done putting the Germanic invaders

00:31:39.019 --> 00:31:40.880
in their place, and he and the boys were celebrating

00:31:40.880 --> 00:31:42.940
their final victory at Mons Bodonicus with a

00:31:42.940 --> 00:31:45.559
gallon of wine or two, creepy little aliens from

00:31:45.559 --> 00:31:47.640
outer space saw an opportunity to make a move.

00:31:48.319 --> 00:31:50.920
The sneaky, bulbous -headed, big -eyed freaks

00:31:50.920 --> 00:31:53.019
attacked when the knights were sleeping off their

00:31:53.019 --> 00:31:57.240
victory hangovers. Turnip added, The extraterrestrial

00:31:57.240 --> 00:32:00.180
bastards were ruthless! It was absolute carnage.

00:32:00.519 --> 00:32:02.880
Half of Arthur's forces were decimated by ray

00:32:02.880 --> 00:32:06.000
guns. The King's swordsmen, archers, and big

00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:07.680
nutters with axes were no match for the tech

00:32:07.680 --> 00:32:09.819
boys to run out of the planet, especially since

00:32:09.819 --> 00:32:11.299
most of them were still half -cut from the night

00:32:11.299 --> 00:32:14.059
before. All of this was revealed to me in a vision

00:32:14.059 --> 00:32:16.200
by the possessed statue of Llewellyn Apogra Vith.

00:32:16.339 --> 00:32:19.049
But it gets worse. Arthur and what remained of

00:32:19.049 --> 00:32:20.730
his troops only managed to escape because Merlin

00:32:20.730 --> 00:32:23.269
managed to turn them into bumblebees, then flew

00:32:23.269 --> 00:32:25.269
as a collective swarm to the safety of Castle

00:32:25.269 --> 00:32:27.670
at Dunraven Bay when they turned back into men

00:32:27.670 --> 00:32:29.950
and prepared to make one last stand in the name

00:32:29.950 --> 00:32:33.190
of humanity. As the UFOs circled and the aliens

00:32:33.190 --> 00:32:35.349
unleashed their lasers, Arthur and the boys put

00:32:35.349 --> 00:32:37.170
on the brave show, but they were no match for

00:32:37.170 --> 00:32:39.589
the intergalactic colonists. During the last

00:32:39.589 --> 00:32:41.650
pitched battle on the seafront, Arthur was the

00:32:41.650 --> 00:32:44.150
last man standing, but he also fell after being

00:32:44.150 --> 00:32:46.809
hit by a beam of pure light. Here's where it

00:32:46.809 --> 00:32:49.740
gets weird. As the UFO hovered overhead and prepared

00:32:49.740 --> 00:32:52.359
to vaporise the king, Merlin appeared in the

00:32:52.359 --> 00:32:55.000
skies as a mighty dragon that roared and spat

00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:57.940
out a terrible flame straight at Arthur. The

00:32:57.940 --> 00:33:00.079
flame didn't burn the great king, but it surrounded

00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:02.359
him and formed this kind of black stone which

00:33:02.359 --> 00:33:05.200
encased Arthur like a tomb. With Arthur's body

00:33:05.200 --> 00:33:07.799
completely hidden from view, the great rock fell

00:33:07.799 --> 00:33:09.740
into the shallow waters of the sea, where it

00:33:09.740 --> 00:33:12.279
still stands to this day, looking like any other

00:33:12.279 --> 00:33:18.650
rock to the uninitiated. Turnip added, Before

00:33:18.650 --> 00:33:21.569
the vision faded, I heard Merlin scream, The

00:33:21.569 --> 00:33:24.349
king will rise again in this isle's darkest need.

00:33:24.529 --> 00:33:27.190
An Excalibur will lie with the Lady of the Lake.

00:33:28.529 --> 00:33:31.069
At that moment, an image of Tredegar Reservoir

00:33:31.069 --> 00:33:33.430
flashed in my mind, and I realised not only did

00:33:33.430 --> 00:33:35.430
I know where King Arthur lay, but where his sword

00:33:35.430 --> 00:33:38.789
had been dumped too. Turnip explained that after

00:33:38.789 --> 00:33:41.410
leading his war party to Dunraven Bay, and telling

00:33:41.410 --> 00:33:43.029
him the true nature of his vision over a supper

00:33:43.029 --> 00:33:45.630
of egg and chips and some sugary tea, His claims

00:33:45.630 --> 00:33:49.309
were met with some scepticism. Do you mean King

00:33:49.309 --> 00:33:51.809
Arthur's buried in the big rock? said Puerto

00:33:51.809 --> 00:33:54.089
Rico Paul. Oh, do you propose we get him out?

00:33:54.329 --> 00:33:58.109
asked Big Tony. It could be worse, said JFK Jones.

00:33:58.829 --> 00:34:02.390
How? said Fast Eddie. Let's just wait until we

00:34:02.390 --> 00:34:04.009
see the sort of calibre of rock we're dealing

00:34:04.009 --> 00:34:07.750
with before we make our play, said Turnip. Turnip

00:34:07.750 --> 00:34:09.610
told the Chronicle that after a few hours' kip,

00:34:09.710 --> 00:34:11.449
he led them to the foot of King Arthur's rock

00:34:11.449 --> 00:34:14.429
in dawn's unforgiving light. He later admitted,

00:34:15.039 --> 00:34:17.300
As we grimly drank lager from our cans, looked

00:34:17.300 --> 00:34:19.079
at the waves crashing against the big black rock

00:34:19.079 --> 00:34:20.940
and imagined King Arthur's corpse rotting away

00:34:20.940 --> 00:34:23.380
within, all hope of restoring the once and future

00:34:23.380 --> 00:34:26.619
king's throne faded fast. Big Tony suggested

00:34:26.619 --> 00:34:28.420
we could potentially use dynamite to free the

00:34:28.420 --> 00:34:31.079
monarch, but I snapped, Think of the human cost,

00:34:31.219 --> 00:34:33.239
Torn! Besides which, we'd blow Arthur up along

00:34:33.239 --> 00:34:36.039
with a rock. Puerto Rico Paul suggested using

00:34:36.039 --> 00:34:38.760
magic, and even offered to contact his mum Paulie,

00:34:38.780 --> 00:34:40.599
or the Witch of Tudor Street as she's more commonly

00:34:40.599 --> 00:34:42.699
known, to see if she knew any spells or enchantments

00:34:42.699 --> 00:34:46.280
that would work. I just sighed. Is this high

00:34:46.280 --> 00:34:48.199
magic we're dealing with here, Paul? Merlin's

00:34:48.199 --> 00:34:49.820
perhaps the most famous magician of all time.

00:34:49.980 --> 00:34:52.440
Even bigger than David Blaine. Little disrespect

00:34:52.440 --> 00:34:54.840
to your mother, but she made a name telling fortunes

00:34:54.840 --> 00:34:56.760
in a caravan. I don't think she's up for the

00:34:56.760 --> 00:34:59.820
job. As we all just nodded our heads sagely and

00:34:59.820 --> 00:35:01.820
gazed intensely at the rock, swigging on the

00:35:01.820 --> 00:35:03.619
cans and getting wary looks from assorted day

00:35:03.619 --> 00:35:07.360
trippers, I had an Eureka moment. It's the sword

00:35:07.360 --> 00:35:11.099
in the stone, I shrieked. What is? said Big Tony.

00:35:11.530 --> 00:35:13.510
The recurring dream I've had since a youngster

00:35:13.510 --> 00:35:15.269
of me pulling a sword from a stone and everyone

00:35:15.269 --> 00:35:17.590
chanting the name Turnip over and over again.

00:35:18.010 --> 00:35:20.969
This is that stone! I said, jumping on a slippery

00:35:20.969 --> 00:35:22.889
rock and nearly losing my footing and cracking

00:35:22.889 --> 00:35:26.349
my head open. But there's no sword in it, said

00:35:26.349 --> 00:35:28.989
a perplexed -looking Puerto Rico Pole. Not yet

00:35:28.989 --> 00:35:31.690
there isn't, I wrote. The legends have it all

00:35:31.690 --> 00:35:34.210
wrong. A sword needs to be thrust into the stone

00:35:34.210 --> 00:35:36.030
and then pulled out to liberate the once and

00:35:36.030 --> 00:35:39.590
future king. Excalibur works like a key. Unlucky

00:35:39.590 --> 00:35:41.769
for the world, the location of that key was revealed

00:35:41.769 --> 00:35:46.170
to me in a vision. Where? The boys cried in unison

00:35:46.170 --> 00:35:48.210
like a tuneless drunken choir of middle -aged

00:35:48.210 --> 00:35:50.449
men washed up on a beach with no past or future,

00:35:50.550 --> 00:35:52.869
but a vague and barely conscious hope of a better

00:35:52.869 --> 00:35:57.449
world. Tredegar, I announced solemnly. The birthplace

00:35:57.449 --> 00:35:59.889
of Bevan and the cradle of the NHS is also home

00:35:59.889 --> 00:36:03.070
to the Sword of Destiny. Turnip explained that

00:36:03.070 --> 00:36:05.170
just at that moment, a raven landed on the rock

00:36:05.170 --> 00:36:07.269
in between the waves and started crowing at them.

00:36:07.800 --> 00:36:09.699
We took it as a sign we were on the right track,

00:36:09.900 --> 00:36:12.599
explained Sir Rip. But a shrieking sungar gnawing

00:36:12.599 --> 00:36:14.380
as a Puerto Rico pull threw a half -empty can

00:36:14.380 --> 00:36:17.480
of lager at it and it cleared off. Drink up,

00:36:17.519 --> 00:36:20.420
boys, I shouted. We're headed up to find Excalibur

00:36:20.420 --> 00:36:23.239
and send the space boys home. You can count on

00:36:23.239 --> 00:36:27.139
our steel, my lord, roared JFK Jones, which didn't

00:36:27.139 --> 00:36:29.860
go down well. There was something about JFK that

00:36:29.860 --> 00:36:31.880
had been getting to my skin of late. It wasn't

00:36:31.880 --> 00:36:33.559
just a ridiculous ski boot thing you had to wear

00:36:33.559 --> 00:36:35.949
because it was busted up ankle. His cheery bluster

00:36:35.949 --> 00:36:38.849
was hiding something sinister and vile. This

00:36:38.849 --> 00:36:41.309
isn't some sort of big joke, I snapped. We're

00:36:41.309 --> 00:36:42.829
on a real all -or -nothing quest here, and your

00:36:42.829 --> 00:36:45.869
Game of Thrones nonsense isn't welcome. Turnip

00:36:45.869 --> 00:36:48.050
said that JFK looked suitably abashed, but explained,

00:36:48.610 --> 00:36:50.730
I'll forever kick myself for not realising we

00:36:50.730 --> 00:36:53.369
had a rat in the ranks sooner. Yet, even if we'd

00:36:53.369 --> 00:36:55.230
sniffed out JFK's treachery before he put the

00:36:55.230 --> 00:36:57.389
knife in our backs, the true scale of his betrayal

00:36:57.389 --> 00:37:05.260
will always leave me breathless. claims he has

00:37:05.260 --> 00:37:08.719
found the legendary sword Excalibur by Tim Butters

00:37:08.719 --> 00:37:11.300
from the Abergavenny Chronicle on Monday the

00:37:11.300 --> 00:37:14.719
5th of August 2024. He found it by Tim Butters?

00:37:14.920 --> 00:37:19.500
Tim Butters had it all along. Much like the Holy

00:37:19.500 --> 00:37:22.239
Grail, the legendary sword Excalibur has been

00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:25.199
sought after for centuries by philosophers, poets,

00:37:25.579 --> 00:37:28.800
politicians, historians, the hapless and the

00:37:28.800 --> 00:37:32.920
lost. However... An Abergavenny man claims he

00:37:32.920 --> 00:37:35.679
now wields what legions of adventurers and explorers

00:37:35.679 --> 00:37:38.539
have all sought in vain, the sword of power.

00:37:40.199 --> 00:37:42.320
It's a bit of a trip to think my hands have fondled

00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:44.960
the same piece of steel as King Arthur, but you

00:37:44.960 --> 00:37:47.739
can't cheat destiny, explains semi -professional

00:37:47.739 --> 00:37:51.880
paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. In hindsight,

00:37:52.119 --> 00:37:54.199
I can now see that when I lost myself to a twilight

00:37:54.199 --> 00:37:56.179
world of substance abuse and bizarre sleeping

00:37:56.179 --> 00:37:58.880
patterns in my twenties, I was simply in denial

00:37:58.880 --> 00:38:01.940
of my own greatness. I always knew my bones that

00:38:01.940 --> 00:38:03.780
fated to earmark me for something historical

00:38:03.780 --> 00:38:06.260
and earth -shattering, but I had no idea to stand

00:38:06.260 --> 00:38:09.280
by King Arthur's side and rule the world. For

00:38:09.280 --> 00:38:11.139
years, I tried to run from who I was and what

00:38:11.139 --> 00:38:13.340
I was supposed to be. I got good at it as well.

00:38:13.460 --> 00:38:15.780
Before becoming a paranormal investigator, I

00:38:15.780 --> 00:38:17.400
was a semi -professional long -distance runner.

00:38:17.760 --> 00:38:21.039
But the running stops here. I've finally embraced

00:38:21.039 --> 00:38:24.760
who and what I am. Since Arthur's demise, the

00:38:24.760 --> 00:38:26.659
extraterrestrials have secretly governed this

00:38:26.659 --> 00:38:29.300
planet with a dark intent. Once I wake the great

00:38:29.300 --> 00:38:31.480
bear by driving Excalibur into the great rock

00:38:31.480 --> 00:38:33.579
where he sleeps, it'll be time for E .T. to go

00:38:33.579 --> 00:38:37.960
home and stay there. Turnip told the Chronicle

00:38:37.960 --> 00:38:40.480
that after having a vision that revealed Excalibur

00:38:40.480 --> 00:38:42.119
was rusting away at the bottom of a reservoir

00:38:42.119 --> 00:38:44.960
on Tredegar, he and the boys jumped in Big Tony's

00:38:44.960 --> 00:38:47.380
battle bus and headed up top to find the once

00:38:47.380 --> 00:38:50.599
-and -future king's fabled weapon. The only trouble

00:38:50.599 --> 00:38:52.780
was, when we got there, we had no idea how to

00:38:52.780 --> 00:38:54.440
retrieve Excalibur from the depths, explained

00:38:54.440 --> 00:38:58.000
Turnip. None of us had any diving gear. And even

00:38:58.000 --> 00:38:59.880
if we did, no one was willing to take the plunge.

00:38:59.980 --> 00:39:01.699
We'd all grown up with a bit of a phobia of the

00:39:01.699 --> 00:39:04.780
water thanks to films like Jaws. Turnabout it.

00:39:05.400 --> 00:39:07.699
In my heart, I had high hopes that Lady's Hand

00:39:07.699 --> 00:39:09.340
would reach out of the reservoir holding the

00:39:09.340 --> 00:39:11.460
sword aloft like it did in that dodgy 80s film

00:39:11.460 --> 00:39:13.800
Excalibur. You know, the one with the fruity

00:39:13.800 --> 00:39:15.519
-looking guy playing Merlin and the village -idiot

00:39:15.519 --> 00:39:18.460
-looking fella playing young Arthur. Anyhow,

00:39:18.619 --> 00:39:21.039
after sitting on the banks for hours and sharing

00:39:21.039 --> 00:39:23.099
some flagons of cider, nothing much happened,

00:39:23.199 --> 00:39:25.340
and you could see Big Tony was getting more and

00:39:25.340 --> 00:39:27.809
more twitchy with each passing second. He eventually

00:39:27.809 --> 00:39:30.409
stood up abruptly and said, Saw this for a game

00:39:30.409 --> 00:39:32.269
of soldiers. I've wasted enough time on this

00:39:32.269 --> 00:39:35.090
wild goose chase. I'm off. Hang on a sec, Tony,

00:39:35.210 --> 00:39:37.610
I said. You're one of my sworn knights. You took

00:39:37.610 --> 00:39:39.630
an oath. You can't leave without being dismissed.

00:39:40.230 --> 00:39:42.250
He just looked at me up and down like I was some

00:39:42.250 --> 00:39:46.690
sort of halfwit and said, Knight? Oath? Excalibur?

00:39:47.269 --> 00:39:49.429
Listen to yourself, JT. You've lost the plot.

00:39:49.829 --> 00:39:51.570
I only came along for the crack and the free

00:39:51.570 --> 00:39:53.909
beer. Now all this Dungeons and Dragons nonsense

00:39:53.909 --> 00:39:56.889
is getting embarrassing now. I know you, Paul,

00:39:56.989 --> 00:39:58.889
and others like to live in some weird, drug -hard

00:39:58.889 --> 00:40:01.170
little fantasy realm. But it's a luxury I can't

00:40:01.170 --> 00:40:03.929
afford. When we're all on UC, I'm due in sight

00:40:03.929 --> 00:40:07.250
tomorrow. I'll lose my job. Tony! I cried when

00:40:07.250 --> 00:40:09.130
he stropped back to the van. You'll have riches

00:40:09.130 --> 00:40:11.010
beyond labour when I'm crowned the second king

00:40:11.010 --> 00:40:13.530
in command. This is the alien mind control talking,

00:40:13.670 --> 00:40:16.110
not you. Stay a while and share this bolly gin

00:40:16.110 --> 00:40:18.530
with me. You'll see things differently, I implored.

00:40:18.849 --> 00:40:22.119
It was no good. Torn is adamant, and as I watched

00:40:22.119 --> 00:40:23.820
him head back to the relative normality of the

00:40:23.820 --> 00:40:25.559
metaphorical rocking chair that is Old Mother

00:40:25.559 --> 00:40:28.239
Abba, I saw Fast Eddie jump in front of his Bedford

00:40:28.239 --> 00:40:30.519
rascal and holler, Take me back to Abba with

00:40:30.519 --> 00:40:32.800
you to pick up some supplies, Torn. I've got

00:40:32.800 --> 00:40:35.420
an idea how we can retrieve Excalibur. I looked

00:40:35.420 --> 00:40:37.239
at Fast Eddie curiously and wondered what little

00:40:37.239 --> 00:40:39.699
pygmy he had up his sleeve. But with Torn gone,

00:40:39.800 --> 00:40:41.400
we needed some wheels, and although it would

00:40:41.400 --> 00:40:43.119
be a bit of a squeeze, Fast Eddie's mini was

00:40:43.119 --> 00:40:46.000
capable of transporting us all. Turn about it.

00:40:46.480 --> 00:40:48.519
As Big Tony wheeled spin -off, that's as much

00:40:48.519 --> 00:40:50.039
as giving me a friendly two -fingered salute.

00:40:50.260 --> 00:40:52.960
I felt a genuine sense of betrayal. A big oaf

00:40:52.960 --> 00:40:54.500
would live to regret his indiscipline when asked

00:40:54.500 --> 00:40:57.420
to do the New World Order. As I gazed round the

00:40:57.420 --> 00:40:59.820
remaining nights of my war party, I saw Perturiga

00:40:59.820 --> 00:41:01.519
Pole was sleeping off the effects of the cider,

00:41:01.619 --> 00:41:04.039
and JFK Jones was limping around annoyingly in

00:41:04.039 --> 00:41:06.880
his broken ankle boot and furiously texting someone

00:41:06.880 --> 00:41:09.239
on his phone. When a devious little tart saw

00:41:09.239 --> 00:41:11.260
me monitoring like a hawk, he had the good grace

00:41:11.260 --> 00:41:13.840
to look embarrassed. I continued to stare at

00:41:13.840 --> 00:41:16.369
him and said cryptically, Only those you trust

00:41:16.369 --> 00:41:19.050
can betray you. I could tell by his body language

00:41:19.050 --> 00:41:20.809
and dumb look on his face he knew what I was

00:41:20.809 --> 00:41:23.429
getting at. He was up to something fishy, and

00:41:23.429 --> 00:41:27.269
before this quest was over, I'd find out. Turnip

00:41:27.269 --> 00:41:29.389
explained that when Fast Eddie returned, he shared

00:41:29.389 --> 00:41:31.389
a plan to retrieve Excalibur that might just

00:41:31.389 --> 00:41:34.170
prove feasible. Eddie's called Fast for a reason,

00:41:34.289 --> 00:41:36.309
explained Turnip. He's quick on his feet and

00:41:36.309 --> 00:41:38.449
a fast thinker. He brought with him a two -man

00:41:38.449 --> 00:41:40.389
inflatable kayak and one of those magnetic fishing

00:41:40.389 --> 00:41:43.079
kits. The plan was that me and him would paddle

00:41:43.079 --> 00:41:44.679
out to the middle of the reservoir and drop the

00:41:44.679 --> 00:41:46.539
huge magnet on the fishing line overboard and

00:41:46.539 --> 00:41:48.880
hopefully, sooner or later, we'd find Excalibur.

00:41:49.280 --> 00:41:52.920
It was a long shot, but it was all we had. Turnip

00:41:52.920 --> 00:41:54.679
revealed that after being on the water for three

00:41:54.679 --> 00:41:57.460
hours and catching nothing but beer cans, a shopping

00:41:57.460 --> 00:41:59.900
trolley, an old scooter and an air gun, they

00:41:59.900 --> 00:42:02.139
were just about to call it a day when a cloud

00:42:02.139 --> 00:42:04.880
passed in front of the sun and an eerie silence

00:42:04.880 --> 00:42:12.579
fell. Turnip explained. It's difficult to put

00:42:12.579 --> 00:42:15.019
into words, but you could tell from the changing

00:42:15.019 --> 00:42:17.139
atmosphere something big was about to happen.

00:42:17.840 --> 00:42:20.559
We pulled up the magnet one last time, and on

00:42:20.559 --> 00:42:22.880
the end of the line was a huge sword, I'd like

00:42:22.880 --> 00:42:24.699
to say, the likes of which you'd never seen,

00:42:24.780 --> 00:42:27.159
but it was covered in rust and in a bit of a

00:42:27.159 --> 00:42:29.159
way, it looked like one of those samurai swords

00:42:29.159 --> 00:42:31.380
that were big in the 1990s, but one that had

00:42:31.380 --> 00:42:34.039
been left to rot for a couple of decades. However,

00:42:34.260 --> 00:42:36.960
who I didn't already know in my heart of hearts

00:42:36.960 --> 00:42:39.139
it was Excalibur, what happened next confirmed

00:42:39.139 --> 00:42:45.300
it. An Abergavenny man has made the claim that

00:42:45.300 --> 00:42:47.460
an alien lifeform threatened him and his friends

00:42:47.460 --> 00:42:51.199
in a remote beauty spot in South Wales. Semi

00:42:51.199 --> 00:42:53.559
-professional paranormal investigator Johnny

00:42:53.559 --> 00:42:56.000
Turnip revealed how he was on a special quest

00:42:56.000 --> 00:42:58.380
to find King Arthur's legendary sword Excalibur

00:42:58.380 --> 00:43:01.800
when it happened. Turnip explained that as soon

00:43:01.800 --> 00:43:03.320
as he managed to get his hands on this sword,

00:43:03.519 --> 00:43:05.840
men in beige suits who work for a shadowy puppet

00:43:05.840 --> 00:43:08.579
organisation attempted to steal it. It was the

00:43:08.579 --> 00:43:10.380
same group of clowns that me, Big Tony and Puerto

00:43:10.380 --> 00:43:12.039
Rico Paul bumped up against in the past when

00:43:12.039 --> 00:43:13.920
we were trying to trap and tame a fairy, he said.

00:43:14.500 --> 00:43:16.659
They wanted to use us to gain access to the fairy

00:43:16.659 --> 00:43:18.880
realms, so they could tap into that magical power

00:43:18.880 --> 00:43:21.619
and ruin the world. Obviously, we weren't having

00:43:21.619 --> 00:43:23.519
that and kicked seven shades of crap out of them.

00:43:24.079 --> 00:43:26.179
Trouble is, we had Big Tony and our crew back

00:43:26.179 --> 00:43:28.599
then. This time they turned up mob -handed on

00:43:28.599 --> 00:43:32.679
electric bikes. Bastards. Turnip told Chronicle

00:43:32.679 --> 00:43:35.139
that Fast Eddie and himself had fished Excalibur

00:43:35.139 --> 00:43:36.860
out of Tredegar Reservoir with a magnetic fishing

00:43:36.860 --> 00:43:39.619
kit. But no sooner had they boated ashore on

00:43:39.619 --> 00:43:41.659
their inflatable kayak, when a group of men in

00:43:41.659 --> 00:43:44.119
beige suits, wearing sunglasses and riding electric

00:43:44.119 --> 00:43:47.219
bikes, appeared out of the trees. As soon as

00:43:47.219 --> 00:43:48.760
I saw the electric bikes, I knew there was going

00:43:48.760 --> 00:43:51.400
to be a conflict, explained Turnip. Puerto Rico

00:43:51.400 --> 00:43:53.780
Paul sneered. You dickheads can't fly a drone,

00:43:53.840 --> 00:43:55.659
have you? I'll maybe forage some wild garlic.

00:43:56.579 --> 00:43:58.579
But their leader, who I recognised from before

00:43:58.579 --> 00:44:01.199
as a chump who called himself Mr Citizen, simply

00:44:01.199 --> 00:44:04.159
chuckled and said, Bonjour, Portugal Pete! As

00:44:04.159 --> 00:44:06.059
much as we love to pass the time indulging in

00:44:06.059 --> 00:44:08.260
such pleasant pursuits, we're here for the sword

00:44:08.260 --> 00:44:11.460
of destiny. Now pass it over, parsnip. Why don't

00:44:11.460 --> 00:44:14.960
he come and get it, you slut? I roared. In hindsight,

00:44:15.179 --> 00:44:17.800
it wasn't the coolest thing to say, but the adrenaline

00:44:17.800 --> 00:44:20.719
was making the neurons misfire quite badly. Licking

00:44:20.719 --> 00:44:23.679
his lips and going all pantomime on me, Mr. Citizen

00:44:23.679 --> 00:44:27.079
just mock -whispered, Oh, baby, I like it rough.

00:44:27.420 --> 00:44:30.099
Oh, God. Before yelling in a chirpy, posh falsetto,

00:44:30.400 --> 00:44:33.840
At them, lads! Take no prisoners! Turnip explained

00:44:33.840 --> 00:44:36.139
that as the men in beige advanced on their electric

00:44:36.139 --> 00:44:39.340
bikes like a kind of really lame cavalry, he,

00:44:39.440 --> 00:44:41.699
fast Eddie and Puerto Rico Paul, formed a defensive

00:44:41.699 --> 00:44:44.280
circle. We're going to protect Excalibur with

00:44:44.280 --> 00:44:47.159
our lives, he explained. There's no way these

00:44:47.159 --> 00:44:49.380
yuppies in badly cut suits were stealing my birthright

00:44:49.380 --> 00:44:52.119
and denying my destiny. I cried for JFK Jones

00:44:52.119 --> 00:44:55.159
to stand fast, assuming he had a flank, but then

00:44:55.159 --> 00:44:57.920
I saw what I'd long suspected. A soulless little

00:44:57.920 --> 00:44:59.980
toad had defected the other side. He was sitting

00:44:59.980 --> 00:45:01.619
at the back of one of the men in beige's bikes,

00:45:01.840 --> 00:45:05.019
looking all embarrassed. Little bastard. You

00:45:05.019 --> 00:45:07.480
there, bitch, now, Jonesy? I snarled. What did

00:45:07.480 --> 00:45:08.920
they offer you to turn Judas and your mates?

00:45:09.280 --> 00:45:11.900
Tickets to the Foo Fighters? You always had rubbish

00:45:11.900 --> 00:45:14.820
-tasting music, you clown. As the men in beige

00:45:14.820 --> 00:45:17.199
surrounded us, a gutless little rat just looked

00:45:17.199 --> 00:45:20.039
at me all pathetic and whimpered. I had no choice,

00:45:20.179 --> 00:45:22.699
JT. They said they sanctioned my benefits if

00:45:22.699 --> 00:45:24.699
I didn't contact them as soon as you found Excalibur.

00:45:25.559 --> 00:45:28.340
But Rigopol just said softly in a weird, brummy

00:45:28.340 --> 00:45:31.090
accent. Like it was Thomas Shelby and Peaky Blinders.

00:45:31.530 --> 00:45:33.909
There's always a choice, Jonesy. Let's hope you

00:45:33.909 --> 00:45:35.989
can live with yours. Fuck it, that'll do. I'm

00:45:35.989 --> 00:45:40.010
not doing it again. I don't watch Peaky Blinders.

00:45:40.650 --> 00:45:43.369
Turnip added that to make matters worse, Mr.

00:45:43.429 --> 00:45:46.190
Citizen then said, Don't be too harsh on your

00:45:46.190 --> 00:45:48.869
mentally challenged friend, Turnip. After all,

00:45:49.010 --> 00:45:51.570
it was not him I tricked into embarking on the

00:45:51.570 --> 00:45:53.469
quest to find King Arthur's final resting place

00:45:53.469 --> 00:45:56.369
on Excalibur in the first place. Turnip told

00:45:56.369 --> 00:45:58.170
the Chronicle that it finally dawned on him,

00:45:58.400 --> 00:45:59.940
that the stranger in the cemetery who he thought

00:45:59.940 --> 00:46:02.239
had been the reincarnation of Sir Lancelot, and

00:46:02.239 --> 00:46:03.860
who had tasked him with a mission to save humanity

00:46:03.860 --> 00:46:06.960
from itself, had been Mr. Citizen all along.

00:46:07.139 --> 00:46:12.059
That fucking weasel! But why? I asked. Easy,

00:46:12.420 --> 00:46:16.059
he replied. We had no hope of finding Excalibur,

00:46:16.059 --> 00:46:18.219
because we would overthink it, and the old gods

00:46:18.219 --> 00:46:20.750
didn't want us to succeed. In an age defined

00:46:20.750 --> 00:46:23.750
by mob rule, cowardice, censorship, cancellation

00:46:23.750 --> 00:46:26.190
and capitulation, you and your gang completely

00:46:26.190 --> 00:46:28.650
disregard the opinion and mockery of others and

00:46:28.650 --> 00:46:31.309
plough your own furrow. We needed that sort of

00:46:31.309 --> 00:46:34.369
rare pluck. As a bonus, you have all the self

00:46:34.369 --> 00:46:37.130
-belief of blind idiocy and you treat dumb chants

00:46:37.130 --> 00:46:39.909
almost as if it's religion. But thanks to Mr

00:46:39.909 --> 00:46:43.369
Turncoat here, and at this point, he patted that

00:46:43.369 --> 00:46:45.489
treacherous little weasel JFK Jones on the head,

00:46:45.750 --> 00:46:48.530
you monkeys did all the legwork and we'll reap

00:46:48.530 --> 00:46:51.750
all the reward. After all, why bark when you've

00:46:51.750 --> 00:46:54.070
got a dog? Because it's fun and winds people

00:46:54.070 --> 00:46:57.570
up, said Fast Eddie hopefully. It's a rhetorical

00:46:57.570 --> 00:47:00.530
question, Ed, I sighed. Enough of this brain

00:47:00.530 --> 00:47:03.110
-cell -destroying banter, shouted Mr. Citizen.

00:47:03.429 --> 00:47:06.349
Give me the sword. I'll take it to Dunraven Bay.

00:47:06.969 --> 00:47:09.429
And yeah, he paused dramatically for effect.

00:47:10.050 --> 00:47:12.829
Before plunging it into old Arthur's guts and

00:47:12.829 --> 00:47:15.090
ridding the world forever of the once and future

00:47:15.090 --> 00:47:18.429
king. In his place, we shall rule as an international

00:47:18.429 --> 00:47:21.869
community council, for our name is Legion, and

00:47:21.869 --> 00:47:26.550
we are many. He then started cackling. I swear

00:47:26.550 --> 00:47:29.449
I saw weird green tint to his skin. Turnip added,

00:47:29.690 --> 00:47:31.949
At this point, I realised the men in beige weren't

00:47:31.949 --> 00:47:34.050
just badly dressed bureaucrats. They were beings

00:47:34.050 --> 00:47:36.869
from outer space. They were centuries old. The

00:47:36.869 --> 00:47:39.250
exact same beings who'd fought King Arthur and

00:47:39.250 --> 00:47:41.510
his knights at the Battle of Dunraven Bay. They'd

00:47:41.510 --> 00:47:44.760
now come for me and the boys. Realising we're

00:47:44.760 --> 00:47:47.119
outnumbered and outgunned, I made the decision

00:47:47.119 --> 00:47:49.079
to tell Fast Alien Puerto Rico Paul to make a

00:47:49.079 --> 00:47:51.639
run for it, and make a last stand with Excalibur

00:47:51.639 --> 00:47:54.739
in hand. Leave me now, brave knights, I said

00:47:54.739 --> 00:47:57.260
solemnly. This battle is mine, and mine alone.

00:47:58.400 --> 00:48:00.940
Expect them to say, oh, nice one, JT, before

00:48:00.940 --> 00:48:03.579
having it away in their toes. I don't mind admitting

00:48:03.579 --> 00:48:05.980
I felt a nice warm glow, and Puerto Rico Paul

00:48:05.980 --> 00:48:09.019
said, forget about it, bro. Seems as nice a day

00:48:09.019 --> 00:48:11.179
to die as any other, before cracking his knuckles

00:48:11.179 --> 00:48:13.570
and adding, If I don't run from Swansea Jacks,

00:48:13.570 --> 00:48:17.449
I definitely don't run from E .T. Fast Eddie

00:48:17.449 --> 00:48:19.230
just gave the man in beige suit his death stare

00:48:19.230 --> 00:48:21.929
and said, My chief told me to defend this run.

00:48:22.630 --> 00:48:25.309
It was inspiring to hear Fast Eddie quote Bigwig's

00:48:25.309 --> 00:48:27.809
classic line from Watership Down. The movie's

00:48:27.809 --> 00:48:30.050
a firm favourite of me and the boys. One time,

00:48:30.050 --> 00:48:31.969
after a three -day bender, we were all convinced

00:48:31.969 --> 00:48:33.630
we'd morphed into bunny rabbits from the film

00:48:33.630 --> 00:48:35.489
and began hopping around and quoting lines to

00:48:35.489 --> 00:48:41.070
one another. Great days. Anyhow. Mr Citizen took

00:48:41.070 --> 00:48:43.510
the bait and said quizzically like General Woundwort

00:48:43.510 --> 00:48:47.429
in the film, you're chief. And that's when it

00:48:47.429 --> 00:48:54.530
all kicked off, big time. Abergavenny Man claims

00:48:54.530 --> 00:48:57.170
he stopped King Arthur's corpse from being dug

00:48:57.170 --> 00:49:01.409
up by aliens. And Abergavenny Man claims he not

00:49:01.409 --> 00:49:03.550
only stopped alien lifeforms from digging up

00:49:03.550 --> 00:49:06.110
King Arthur's corpse and defiling it, but He

00:49:06.110 --> 00:49:08.150
also turned his back on a golden opportunity

00:49:08.150 --> 00:49:10.849
to rule the world, just because he didn't need

00:49:10.849 --> 00:49:13.710
the agro. After alleging that he and his friends

00:49:13.710 --> 00:49:15.570
discovered the final resting place of the once

00:49:15.570 --> 00:49:17.750
-and -future king and had retrieved Excalibur

00:49:17.750 --> 00:49:20.570
from Tredegar Reservoir, semi -professional paranormal

00:49:20.570 --> 00:49:23.510
investigator Johnny Turnip told The Chronicle

00:49:23.510 --> 00:49:26.349
he was accosted by men in beige suits who were

00:49:26.349 --> 00:49:28.469
actually extraterrestrials who'd been plotting

00:49:28.469 --> 00:49:31.449
to rule the world for centuries. Look, we're

00:49:31.449 --> 00:49:33.510
a little like your average dickhead, explained

00:49:33.510 --> 00:49:36.340
Turnip. But they're actually from space, and

00:49:36.340 --> 00:49:38.960
they've one goal. To establish a global community

00:49:38.960 --> 00:49:42.880
council and enslave us all. Turnip added, If

00:49:42.880 --> 00:49:44.500
a manager beat me and the boys in a fair fight

00:49:44.500 --> 00:49:46.500
and steal Excalibur, it would have been the endgame

00:49:46.500 --> 00:49:48.800
for humanity as we know it. They plan to use

00:49:48.800 --> 00:49:50.920
Excalibur to dig up King Arthur's corpse and

00:49:50.920 --> 00:49:53.920
kill it. Fortunately, just before me, Puerto

00:49:53.920 --> 00:49:55.920
Rico, Poland, Fast Eddie prepared to go down

00:49:55.920 --> 00:49:58.300
in one last glorious stand that Eminem probably

00:49:58.300 --> 00:49:59.780
would have written a best -selling rap ballad

00:49:59.780 --> 00:50:02.969
about. Big Tony. Turned up on a Shire horse.

00:50:04.429 --> 00:50:07.349
Turnip added, Earlier in the quest, Torn had

00:50:07.349 --> 00:50:09.190
quit because he didn't trust in my vision anymore.

00:50:09.630 --> 00:50:12.210
He can be all mortal at times, so I didn't pay

00:50:12.210 --> 00:50:14.710
much mind. But apparently, when he got back to

00:50:14.710 --> 00:50:17.289
Ebba, he was plagued by a bad feeling that his

00:50:17.289 --> 00:50:19.510
mates were in trouble. So he jumped back into

00:50:19.510 --> 00:50:21.389
his Bedford Rascal, hot -footed down to the heads

00:50:21.389 --> 00:50:23.829
of the valleys. All the trouble is, he broke

00:50:23.829 --> 00:50:26.829
down just outside Ebbu Vale. However, Torn's

00:50:26.829 --> 00:50:28.869
a resourceful type, and after borrowing a Shire

00:50:28.869 --> 00:50:32.780
horse from a field, He travelled the rest of

00:50:32.780 --> 00:50:35.260
the way to Tredegar in his stolen steed. Imagine

00:50:35.260 --> 00:50:37.400
that surprise when Big Tony turned up in horseback

00:50:37.400 --> 00:50:39.380
at the last minute, brandishing a baseball bat

00:50:39.380 --> 00:50:44.780
and yelling, BANZAI YOU BASTARDS! In his classic

00:50:44.780 --> 00:50:47.199
red Adidas tracksuit and Wales FA bucket hat,

00:50:47.360 --> 00:50:49.460
he looked every inch a night to the modern age.

00:50:49.860 --> 00:50:52.219
The fact he was blasting out Beyoncé's End of

00:50:52.219 --> 00:50:54.079
Time with a portable Bluetooth speaker he had

00:50:54.079 --> 00:50:56.079
strapped on his back didn't even seem weird.

00:50:56.960 --> 00:50:58.880
Tones always had a strange choice in fighting

00:50:58.880 --> 00:51:01.369
songs and certainly rattled the aliens. They

00:51:01.369 --> 00:51:03.750
were expecting a walkover, but they didn't count

00:51:03.750 --> 00:51:05.869
on the mad bastard from the Mardi riding a horse,

00:51:05.949 --> 00:51:08.050
playing queen bee and screaming blue murder.

00:51:08.489 --> 00:51:11.170
As tone charged, the men in beige couldn't hold

00:51:11.170 --> 00:51:13.909
their line or their nerve. They pedalled away

00:51:13.909 --> 00:51:16.349
furiously on their electric bikes, and as the

00:51:16.349 --> 00:51:19.329
crappy electric motors kicked in, I waved Excalibur

00:51:19.329 --> 00:51:21.690
at their backs and yelled, This is for Arthur,

00:51:21.869 --> 00:51:27.289
you Martian flyboys! Dramatic. That's one nil

00:51:27.289 --> 00:51:29.750
to humanity! Screamed Puerto Rico Paul as he

00:51:29.750 --> 00:51:32.969
high -fived Fast Eddie. Where's that treacherous

00:51:32.969 --> 00:51:36.510
Tord JFK Jones? I asked. He's one of them now,

00:51:36.670 --> 00:51:39.570
said Paul. They've corrupted him with their multidimensional

00:51:39.570 --> 00:51:43.909
nonsense. He was a good man, I sighed solemnly.

00:51:44.349 --> 00:51:46.570
Let's remember him for who he was and not the

00:51:46.570 --> 00:51:49.929
motherless piece of crap he later became. As

00:51:49.929 --> 00:51:52.190
we all bowed our head in silence and tried to

00:51:52.190 --> 00:51:53.889
remember something positive about the rat who

00:51:53.889 --> 00:51:56.809
once called himself our friend, I gazed in wonder

00:51:56.809 --> 00:52:00.079
at Excalibur. After all my manifest trials and

00:52:00.079 --> 00:52:02.820
tribulations, I finally had the means to resurrect

00:52:02.820 --> 00:52:05.159
King Arthur and rule the world as his second

00:52:05.159 --> 00:52:10.059
-in -command. Yeah, to be honest, it all seemed

00:52:10.059 --> 00:52:12.940
like a lot of unnecessary aggro. I'd have to

00:52:12.940 --> 00:52:15.139
return to Dunraven Bay, plunge it into a rock

00:52:15.139 --> 00:52:17.079
and hopefully free the once -and -future king,

00:52:17.239 --> 00:52:20.059
and looking at Excalibur, which resembled the

00:52:20.059 --> 00:52:22.639
rusty old samurai sword from the 1990s, a little

00:52:22.639 --> 00:52:25.159
bit too much for my liking. I wasn't sure if

00:52:25.159 --> 00:52:26.619
it would just snap in half as soon as it hit

00:52:26.619 --> 00:52:29.460
Solid Rock. As far as weapons go, it did look

00:52:29.460 --> 00:52:32.420
very epic. Even if I managed to free King Arthur,

00:52:32.579 --> 00:52:34.980
as old as the possibility, he could be a dickhead.

00:52:36.019 --> 00:52:38.019
I mean, you've been sleeping for over a thousand

00:52:38.019 --> 00:52:39.659
years, only to be walking up a bunch of men in

00:52:39.659 --> 00:52:41.280
tracksuits and, you know, you've got to fight

00:52:41.280 --> 00:52:43.619
some aliens and rule the country again. What

00:52:43.619 --> 00:52:46.280
sort of mood would you be in? Also, if I had

00:52:46.280 --> 00:52:48.400
to be a second -in -command, which I should imagine

00:52:48.400 --> 00:52:51.260
it's pretty much a full -time job, something

00:52:51.260 --> 00:52:54.329
I've always strenuously avoided. As I keep telling

00:52:54.329 --> 00:52:56.449
my job coach, if I don't get enough Netflix and

00:52:56.449 --> 00:52:58.730
beer time during the week, I can get a bit neurotic.

00:52:59.590 --> 00:53:02.449
Turnabout it. Looking at Excalibur, I finally

00:53:02.449 --> 00:53:05.409
made my decision. And, just as I went to hurl

00:53:05.409 --> 00:53:07.489
the Sword of Destiny back into Tredegar Azua,

00:53:07.769 --> 00:53:10.230
Puerto Rico Paul went to grab it, but as soon

00:53:10.230 --> 00:53:12.929
as he touched it, he let out a scream and fell

00:53:12.929 --> 00:53:16.650
to his knees. I can't move my hand! He screamed.

00:53:17.320 --> 00:53:19.360
Paul's left hand had gone completely limp at

00:53:19.360 --> 00:53:21.980
the wrist. Every time he went to move it, it

00:53:21.980 --> 00:53:26.159
just flopped back down limplessly. What sort

00:53:26.159 --> 00:53:29.559
of strange magic is this? growled Big Tony. The

00:53:29.559 --> 00:53:32.280
sword is cursed, JT. Throw the thing back into

00:53:32.280 --> 00:53:35.199
the water and be done with it. As I threw Excalibur

00:53:35.199 --> 00:53:38.079
skywards, I'm sure I saw what suspiciously looked

00:53:38.079 --> 00:53:41.639
like a false widow jump from it. Nanny Anna Horrorshow

00:53:41.639 --> 00:53:43.460
Turnip used to breed them and plant them in bananas

00:53:43.460 --> 00:53:45.820
at supermarkets, until she was caught on CCTV

00:53:45.820 --> 00:53:49.960
one time and told to behave. Turnip told the

00:53:49.960 --> 00:53:52.780
Chronicle, As the sword we'd spent so long searching

00:53:52.780 --> 00:53:55.480
for finally splashed into the water, I was sure

00:53:55.480 --> 00:53:57.659
I saw a hand call up to grab it, but for some

00:53:57.659 --> 00:54:00.039
reason it was wearing those fingerless neon green

00:54:00.039 --> 00:54:02.820
gloves that were big in the 80s. It freaked me

00:54:02.820 --> 00:54:04.460
out a little, but no one else seemed to notice

00:54:04.460 --> 00:54:07.750
anything untoward. Big Tony had got into a heated

00:54:07.750 --> 00:54:09.809
argument with Fast Eddie about who would win

00:54:09.809 --> 00:54:12.210
in a race between Usain Bolt and Sonic the Hedgehog.

00:54:12.570 --> 00:54:14.849
Meanwhile, Puerto Rico Paul was sat gazing at

00:54:14.849 --> 00:54:16.650
his limp wrist and mourning about how he'd never

00:54:16.650 --> 00:54:18.590
be able to hold a microphone and do a Simon Le

00:54:18.590 --> 00:54:22.070
Bon tribute act again. I said, Trust me, Paul.

00:54:22.369 --> 00:54:25.429
It'll get better. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not

00:54:25.429 --> 00:54:27.650
next month. Or maybe not even next year. But

00:54:27.650 --> 00:54:30.230
one morning, you'll wake up and have the use

00:54:30.230 --> 00:54:33.110
of both ends again. This seemed to console him

00:54:33.110 --> 00:54:35.579
and As we softly started singing Rio by Duran

00:54:35.579 --> 00:54:37.800
Duran, we all joined in the chorus and turned

00:54:37.800 --> 00:54:40.500
our heads to the heavens. Singing tunelessly

00:54:40.500 --> 00:54:42.800
together and without a care in the world, we

00:54:42.800 --> 00:54:44.440
looked at the first stars of the evening appear

00:54:44.440 --> 00:54:46.699
in the sky like pinpricks in the curtain of light.

00:54:47.679 --> 00:54:50.380
And, as we stood side by side, with our arms

00:54:50.380 --> 00:54:52.840
flung around one another's shoulders, I realised

00:54:52.840 --> 00:54:54.880
what I'd been searching for was already there.

00:54:56.820 --> 00:54:59.320
There was a King Arthur spirit inside every one

00:54:59.320 --> 00:55:04.380
of us. No. It was the great king's spirit of

00:55:04.380 --> 00:55:08.139
individualism, resistance, defiance and courage

00:55:08.139 --> 00:55:10.079
in the face of overwhelming odds that mattered.

00:55:10.340 --> 00:55:12.760
Let his final rest in place or some rusty old

00:55:12.760 --> 00:55:16.320
sword. As the boys broke off Singareo and Puerto

00:55:16.320 --> 00:55:18.360
Rico Paul began doing an enthusiastic rendition

00:55:18.360 --> 00:55:20.360
of Hungry Like the Wolf while using his limp

00:55:20.360 --> 00:55:23.059
wrist like a stage prop, Fast Eddie pulled out

00:55:23.059 --> 00:55:24.840
a crate of lager from the boot of his mini and

00:55:24.840 --> 00:55:30.139
grinned. It was going to be a great night. All

00:55:30.139 --> 00:55:32.789
these stories and more. have been compiled by

00:55:32.789 --> 00:55:35.190
Tim Butters in his book, The Manifest Trials

00:55:35.190 --> 00:55:38.050
and Tribulations of Johnny Turnip. And you'll

00:55:38.050 --> 00:55:39.590
find a link in the show blog for this episode

00:55:39.590 --> 00:55:50.510
at lightlyused .co .uk. Thank you very much for

00:55:50.510 --> 00:55:51.929
listening. We're going to be taking a bit of

00:55:51.929 --> 00:55:53.849
a break and we're going to be back on September

00:55:53.849 --> 00:55:57.550
the 27th. In the meantime, we thought we'd give

00:55:57.550 --> 00:56:00.010
you a few pod nods for shows to listen to while

00:56:00.010 --> 00:56:02.690
we're off. Other than our fellow shows, of course,

00:56:02.769 --> 00:56:05.510
at the Studio Channel 84 network, there's the

00:56:05.510 --> 00:56:09.010
variety show with Tom and Rob, the untitled sci

00:56:09.010 --> 00:56:12.769
-fi show with Rob and Tom, Who Takes the Socks

00:56:12.769 --> 00:56:16.289
Off? and their Minnesota series Socks On or Off

00:56:16.289 --> 00:56:20.309
with Ross and Simon, The Land Before Prime, the

00:56:20.309 --> 00:56:23.710
five -minute movie review series focusing on

00:56:23.710 --> 00:56:26.949
physical media and current cinema releases, plus...

00:56:27.320 --> 00:56:29.900
the latest addition to the Studio Channel 84

00:56:29.900 --> 00:56:33.860
family, Super A to Z with James, gaming his way

00:56:33.860 --> 00:56:36.219
alphabetically through all of the Super Nintendo

00:56:36.219 --> 00:56:41.840
titles. Find us all at channel84 .co .uk. Other

00:56:41.840 --> 00:56:44.539
than those shows, if you've still got time left,

00:56:44.820 --> 00:56:47.260
we've got a couple of pod mods for you. That

00:56:47.260 --> 00:56:49.880
is quite a catalogue of podcasts to just tune

00:56:49.880 --> 00:56:54.139
into. So obviously, first and foremost, I've

00:56:54.139 --> 00:56:57.170
got to recommend to everybody Cheap Show. If

00:56:57.170 --> 00:56:58.989
you haven't, or I mean, if you haven't found

00:56:58.989 --> 00:57:03.369
us via someone via, via, via Cheap Show and you

00:57:03.369 --> 00:57:05.690
weirdly haven't heard of them, they're fantastic.

00:57:06.170 --> 00:57:10.070
Paul and Eli are hilarious. And from my own personal

00:57:10.070 --> 00:57:13.659
perspective. couples that listen to cheap show

00:57:13.659 --> 00:57:17.099
together tend to stay together so if you're having

00:57:17.099 --> 00:57:19.440
some relationship problems and you're short of

00:57:19.440 --> 00:57:22.340
a sense of humor i highly recommend those two

00:57:22.340 --> 00:57:24.599
chaps stick on one of the derrick episodes yeah

00:57:24.599 --> 00:57:27.440
definitely brookside tiger was the one you introduced

00:57:27.440 --> 00:57:29.480
me with wasn't it and i was hooked immediately

00:57:29.480 --> 00:57:33.539
my second recommendation is shut up and answer

00:57:33.539 --> 00:57:36.579
the question it's a very funny podcast about

00:57:36.579 --> 00:57:39.639
a 45 minute format they usually have a guest

00:57:39.639 --> 00:57:42.800
on where They have been given a question by a

00:57:42.800 --> 00:57:44.739
listener that doesn't really have a simple answer

00:57:44.739 --> 00:57:47.780
and they debate that and other random shit for

00:57:47.780 --> 00:57:49.619
the entire time. I don't know whether they ever

00:57:49.619 --> 00:57:52.000
actually come up with a cohesive answer to the

00:57:52.000 --> 00:57:54.139
question. That's not the point. That was asked,

00:57:54.219 --> 00:57:56.199
but exactly, that is not the point. It's very

00:57:56.199 --> 00:57:58.900
funny and they're an indie pod. They've not been

00:57:58.900 --> 00:58:02.099
going very long, so give them a shout. And then

00:58:02.099 --> 00:58:06.000
two networked shows. I don't normally shout out

00:58:06.000 --> 00:58:08.280
networked shows, but these are good. Dungeons

00:58:08.280 --> 00:58:11.340
and Daddies. If you like a bit of D &D, a bit

00:58:11.340 --> 00:58:14.539
of roleplay, a bit of humour, those guys are

00:58:14.539 --> 00:58:18.280
genuinely hilarious. And Two Girls, One Ghost,

00:58:18.579 --> 00:58:22.559
which is a podcast with two girls, well, two

00:58:22.559 --> 00:58:25.820
women. They are haunted by a ghost they called

00:58:25.820 --> 00:58:30.739
Sven. And they cover true crime, murder mysteries,

00:58:31.199 --> 00:58:35.320
haunted stories, spooky stuff. And they do, once

00:58:35.320 --> 00:58:38.440
a month, they do a listeners tales episode where

00:58:38.440 --> 00:58:40.920
they read out emails from people who have sent

00:58:40.920 --> 00:58:42.739
things in of their own personal experiences.

00:58:42.920 --> 00:58:45.380
And I genuinely find them fantastic. They're

00:58:45.380 --> 00:58:47.860
very funny. So give them a go. One I thought

00:58:47.860 --> 00:58:49.800
was going to be on your list was bitches with

00:58:49.800 --> 00:58:53.599
beards. Oh, yes, I do like a bit of bitches with

00:58:53.599 --> 00:58:56.880
beards, but they do keep regularly thrashing

00:58:56.880 --> 00:59:00.860
who takes the socks off in any poll that comes

00:59:00.860 --> 00:59:04.219
up on Twitter X. So, yeah, sorry, sorry, you

00:59:04.219 --> 00:59:06.380
lovely, beautiful boys, but you're not on my

00:59:06.380 --> 00:59:08.679
list. People know you already. Yeah, you're way

00:59:08.679 --> 00:59:11.380
too popular. You don't need me to recommend you

00:59:11.380 --> 00:59:13.699
to anybody. Oh, dear, this is going to make my

00:59:13.699 --> 00:59:16.059
three recommendations sound like they need the

00:59:16.059 --> 00:59:20.889
help. I've got to say thank you very, very much

00:59:20.889 --> 00:59:24.230
to Ed Parnell, the voice of Lightly Used. He

00:59:24.230 --> 00:59:27.650
does our voiceovers. He also has many, many pod

00:59:27.650 --> 00:59:31.090
irons in the fire from comedy, mysteries unexplained,

00:59:31.150 --> 00:59:33.630
news and current affairs. He's got quite a few

00:59:33.630 --> 00:59:36.329
shows on the go. Also available for hire, for

00:59:36.329 --> 00:59:39.369
writing and for voiceovers. Well worth your money,

00:59:39.449 --> 00:59:41.530
folks. I'll put a link to his Spreaker channel

00:59:41.530 --> 00:59:44.150
in the show blog. Check Ed out. There's also

00:59:44.150 --> 00:59:47.099
Gareth Nessil with I'm So Not Over It. formerly

00:59:47.099 --> 00:59:49.940
the Xenial Dome. One of my favourites. The comedy

00:59:49.940 --> 00:59:52.480
history podcast for the time period where we

00:59:52.480 --> 00:59:56.280
will remember sort of 70s to now. 70s to current

00:59:56.280 --> 00:59:59.099
-ish. Definitely check them out. It's well worth

00:59:59.099 --> 01:00:00.820
your time listening. Yeah, they are. I agree.

01:00:01.360 --> 01:00:03.500
I've got to say thank you as well to A Pint of

01:00:03.500 --> 01:00:06.860
Cthulhu. They've been hugely supportive of the

01:00:06.860 --> 01:00:08.599
show over the, I was going to say years, year

01:00:08.599 --> 01:00:10.960
-er. Yeah, the year. We've only done the show

01:00:10.960 --> 01:00:13.519
for a year. They have been incredible. It feels

01:00:13.519 --> 01:00:15.219
like it. And the opportunities that have been

01:00:15.219 --> 01:00:18.920
offered to us, Through the Pint of Cthulhu team

01:00:18.920 --> 01:00:21.380
being part of their podcast and playing games

01:00:21.380 --> 01:00:23.980
in the background to test things on systems.

01:00:24.460 --> 01:00:27.119
It's been so much fun and they, yeah, they're

01:00:27.119 --> 01:00:28.860
brilliant. They're a wonderful team. Check them

01:00:28.860 --> 01:00:31.699
out. They are a sort of tabletop role -playing

01:00:31.699 --> 01:00:34.659
game. Yes, TTRPG. I wasn't sure if TT was part

01:00:34.659 --> 01:00:37.280
of it or just the RPG part. But yeah, the most

01:00:37.280 --> 01:00:39.599
recent campaigns they've done has been Blister

01:00:39.599 --> 01:00:42.059
Critters based on a sort of Saturday morning

01:00:42.059 --> 01:00:46.340
cartoon rules world. Yeah. and the Fallout TTRPG

01:00:46.340 --> 01:00:48.139
as well. They're both in excellent campaigns.

01:00:48.300 --> 01:00:50.380
Check them all out. Links will be on the blog,

01:00:50.519 --> 01:00:55.539
lightlyused .co .uk. Thank you, everyone. We

01:00:55.539 --> 01:00:58.699
love you. We thank you for listening. We thank

01:00:58.699 --> 01:01:00.739
you for everyone who has given us opportunities

01:01:00.739 --> 01:01:03.480
to be involved in anything podcasting for the

01:01:03.480 --> 01:01:06.539
last 12 months. You've been incredible. This

01:01:06.539 --> 01:01:10.219
has been an awesome year and I'm ready for a

01:01:10.219 --> 01:01:12.739
break, but I will also be excited to get back

01:01:12.739 --> 01:01:15.550
to recording. Not a pod nod, but we do have to

01:01:15.550 --> 01:01:18.050
say thank you very much, of course, to Tim Butters.

01:01:18.170 --> 01:01:20.969
Yes, we do. His book, The Manifest Trials and

01:01:20.969 --> 01:01:23.309
Tribulations of Johnny Turnip. That's available

01:01:23.309 --> 01:01:25.269
on Amazon and there's also going to be a link

01:01:25.269 --> 01:01:27.389
on the show blog as well. Thank you very much,

01:01:27.409 --> 01:01:29.449
Tim, for not just shutting this down straight

01:01:29.449 --> 01:01:33.510
away. The accidental hero of Lightly Used. Adam

01:01:33.510 --> 01:01:37.369
and Karen have been Lightly Used. Visit lightlyused

01:01:37.369 --> 01:01:41.250
.co .uk for more. To get in touch, email pod

01:01:41.250 --> 01:01:51.309
at lightlyused .co .uk. And Fallout Tabletop

01:01:51.309 --> 01:02:05.409
Group. I can't say it. TTRPG. This was a Studio

01:02:05.409 --> 01:02:09.210
Channel 84 network show. To find more... head

01:02:09.210 --> 01:02:12.909
over to channel84 .co .uk now.