1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,000 This is Lightly Used with Adam and Karen. 2 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:17,560 Hello, it's Adam. We recently wrapped up Johnny Turnip's story of the Necromancer, 3 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:22,440 so I thought another omnibus edition was in order. Full credit for all the journalism 4 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:26,280 we've featured in Lightly Used news goes to Tim Butters of the Abergavenny Chronicle. 5 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:32,720 You can find all the articles linked in the showblog at LightlyUsed.co.uk. 6 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:36,840 We pick up at the end of Johnny Turnip's last adventure defending the underworld beneath 7 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:50,120 Abergavenny... This is Turnip Tales 2: Electric Boar-galoo. 8 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:56,720 From the Abergavenny Chronicle by Tim Butters on Monday 22nd April 2024. 9 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:01,280 Man claims he has saved Abogavaini from a terrible development. 10 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:05,440 A Maerdy man claims he has put the Frighteners in a secret organisation who are threatening 11 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:10,160 the future of the town with a terrible development. They wanted to turn old Mother Aber into a 12 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:15,000 theme park for tourists and use that as a blueprint to take over the world. But me and 13 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:20,000 the boys put an end to that, explained semi-professional long distance runner Johnny Turnip. 14 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,120 This town ain't changing an hour watch. 15 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:27,380 Following his fantastical forays into the Abergavennyi tunnels, Turnip explained that alongside 16 00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:32,520 his two friends he was captured by the Men in Beige when re-entering Aber through a manhole 17 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,840 in Cross Street. 18 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:39,760 About 12 men in beige suits fraud march us back to the castle and try to force us to 19 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:43,280 reveal the entrance to the tunnels because they knew if they harnessed the power of the 20 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:48,640 Faerie realms, nothing in this dimension could curb their evil intent, explained Turnip. 21 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:52,200 Unfortunately they didn't bank on Fast Eddie turning up. 22 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:55,760 Turnip revealed, just as all seemed lost and we were about to make our last stand to go 23 00:01:55,760 --> 00:02:00,240 down fighting, he arrived on the scene like the cavalry. He was dressed like Clint Eastwood's 24 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:04,240 man with no name. Apparently he was in his way home from a Tarts and Vicars fancy dress 25 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:08,800 party but Fast Eddie likes to do things outside the box so he ain't dressed as a cowboy. 26 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:14,240 There was a bit of a ruckus going on and he jumped at the chance to get involved. You 27 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,780 could see the joy written all over his face when he saw some of his homeboys were being 28 00:02:17,780 --> 00:02:22,880 messed around by a tribe of corporate types. Fast Eddie's only about 4 foot 10 but he can't 29 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:26,840 half have a row. In primary school we used to call him the Imp because he had a habit 30 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:30,560 of climbing to the roofs of buildings and jumping on teachers backs from the sky while 31 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:34,080 screaming like a little monkey. 32 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:35,080 Crazy days. 33 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:41,160 Turnip added, Fast Eddie's not a man to be messed with. Rumour has it that he once single 34 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:45,160 handedly took on Boomer Bill and the Bakewell Cake Squad and was the only man to leave the 35 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:49,800 wine bar standing. Boomer Bill and his boys may have been in their late 60s and plagued 36 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:53,680 with an abundance of hip and knee problems but when those salmon red trousers wearing 37 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:57,720 hooligans used to come at you swinging with golf clubs it was no joke. 38 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:04,720 Turnip added, anyhow when Fast Eddie came to a rescue he took a long drag of his cigar, 39 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,720 narrowed his eyes and rolled. 40 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,160 Is there a problem here fellas? 41 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:12,600 One of the men in beige looked at Fast Eddie like he'd just escaped from a travelling freak 42 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:17,400 show and snarled, Oh look everyone, it's a deranged munchkin who's wandered too far 43 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,840 from the yellow brick road. 44 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,800 ...That's apparently how we learned to do voices last time. 45 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,640 Pinch your nose.... 46 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:25,640 Big mistake. 47 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:30,040 Quick as a flash, Fast Eddie jumped up and headbutted the geezer. Big Tony roared like 48 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:34,240 he was back in the Ninian Park terraces and screamed, Let's have it! Before anyone knew 49 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,960 what was happening, six of our suited and booted opressors were on the pavement and 50 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:42,000 the remainder were looking at the slight cattle waiting for the cull. 51 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:46,600 As they fled, Big Tony shouted, Go on, get back to the ice cream van you fools, this 52 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,720 town and its tunnel are ours. 53 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:53,320 Their leader, Mr Citizen, turned around and shrieked, Enjoy the victory fools, the battle 54 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:58,120 is yours but the war is ours, our name is Legion and we are many. 55 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:02,280 I just stuck up my fingers as they left and said, Yeah right, the first bird to fly gets 56 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,280 all the arrows.... 57 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:07,760 Not sure what I meant but it sounded good and it's important to say something philosophical 58 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:08,760 when you've bested your enemies. 59 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:13,000 Besides which, it had been a long day and none of us were thinking straight. 60 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:16,920 Turnip explained, they told Fast Eddie all about their quest to trap and tame a fairy 61 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:20,280 and how it had accidentally led them to Abergavenny's secret tunnel network. 62 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:24,840 Fast Eddie found it all very easy to believe, because he's got an open mind like us, explained 63 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:25,840 Turnip. 64 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:29,240 However, he was a bit upset at the thought of leaving Manny from the estate down there 65 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,120 as the watcher between the realms. 66 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:34,480 His first reaction was going to a violent rage and scream of something about getting 67 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,960 his shovel and pick to dig his old friend out. 68 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:40,360 He'd worked himself up into such a state that Big Tony had no choice but to pick him 69 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:48,600 up, put him in a bear hug and sing Wonderwall to him until he calmed down. 70 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:53,320 Turnip said, Fast Eddie soon grew to respect his old friend Manny's choice and said tearfully, 71 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:57,080 there is a bit like when Iron Man sacrificed himself to save the world. 72 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,240 What can I say? 73 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,360 Men say strange things when they're grieving. 74 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,560 He's not buried alive! 75 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:07,080 We even humoured him when he said that if we were like the Avengers, Big Tony would 76 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:11,720 be Thor, Puerto Rico Paul would be Hawkeye, I would be Captain America and he would be 77 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:12,720 the Hulk. 78 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:16,920 But after a while it seemed a bit childish and I snapped, for Christ's sake Eddie, grow 79 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:17,920 up! 80 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,800 We've just saved the fairy realms from a secret organisation! 81 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:23,240 We're no move to playing, let's pretend! 82 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:27,640 Turnip added, As we stood there, bruised and battered, watching the dawn break, our hearts 83 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:32,280 were heavy, our minds were broken, but our souls soared with the possibility and the 84 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,720 promise of a cold lager. 85 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:39,000 As we strutted back to our flat, our shadows are silhouetted by the rising sun. 86 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:43,600 We probably looked a bit like the Magnificent Seven, except there were only four of us. 87 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:48,120 Puerto Rico Paul slowly began chanting Underworld's 'Born Slippy', but not the girly bit, just 88 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:52,160 a segment where he sings, "Shouting Lager, Lager, Lager"! 89 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:57,120 And as we all sang, we held hands and skipped like newborn lambs into the greater known 90 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,120 together. 91 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:05,120 Are they finally going to get a beer? 92 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:10,800 Abergavenny Man's Wild Boar Hunt ends badly from Tim Butters at the Abergavenny Chronicle 93 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,520 on Monday the 29th of April 2024. 94 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,440 A wild boar. 95 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:20,920 An Abergavenny Man has urged people not to go on any wild boar hunts in the Forest 96 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:26,880 of Dean after he and his two friends were nearly eaten by a crazed pig creature. 97 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:33,600 Semi-professional, long distance runner, Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle that he 98 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:38,000 and a couple of mates had decided to go on an illegal hunting expedition in the forest 99 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,640 to get their heads straight. 100 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,440 After a couple of days, had left them questioning reality. 101 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:43,440 Turnip explained, 102 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:47,320 Me, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul had a bit of a loose end after adventures in the Abba 103 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,120 Gavaini tunnels. 104 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:53,520 In hindsight, we were probably overdue for some serious therapy, but we've all had our 105 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,580 head down brassied out mentality. 106 00:06:56,580 --> 00:07:00,320 So Puerto Rico Paul went back to hawking his Simon Le Bon tribute act around the pubs and 107 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,040 clubs of Monmouthshire. 108 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:05,760 Big Tony went back to digging ditches and I returned to the job centre to pretend I'd 109 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:09,880 been actively seeking work instead of saving the world. 110 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:13,800 Except for a few blinding hangovers, and in Puerto Rico Paul's case the sudden onset 111 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:17,920 of a personality disorder, the lads began to quietly settle into domicis- 112 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:22,000 Sorry, I totally put you off there. 113 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:26,160 The lads began to quietly settle back into domicistasy. 114 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:27,160 Dom-a-wha-tasy? 115 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,160 Dom-a-stis-tis-ty. 116 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:33,400 Yet, according to Turnip, early last week, Big Tony announced to his friends he had to 117 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:37,880 get out of town in a hurry, under the fanciest spot of wild boar hunting in the Forest of 118 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:38,880 Dean. 119 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:39,880 Turnip explained, 120 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:43,520 It was a Monday evening, all of a sudden Big Tony screeched to a halt outside my flat in 121 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:44,520 his Bedford Rascal. 122 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:48,560 Me and Puerto Rico Paul were in day two of our Game of Thrones marathon, so when the 123 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,640 big man knocked on the door we pretended we weren't in. 124 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:56,040 Yet he was persistent, and had no choice but to carefully place my half-eaten pork 125 00:07:56,040 --> 00:08:01,440 rib in a pint of lager and had let it marinate and open the door to my man cave. 126 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:05,320 Turnip explained that one look of the deathly pallor of his old mate and he knew something 127 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:06,940 was seriously wrong. 128 00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:08,440 Big Tony just looked at me and said, 129 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:11,360 I need to get out of town and lay low for a while, JT. 130 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,160 I've messed up. 131 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,400 Turnip added, 132 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,660 It takes a lot to outrattle Big Tony. 133 00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:20,800 He sort of strides through life like a colossus, indifferent and unconcerned to the carnage 134 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:21,800 he leaves in his wake. 135 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:26,320 So when he tells who he's messed up, you know it's wise to ask no questions. 136 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:30,220 I just bellowed at Puerto Rico Paul to pause the swords and sex action and invited Tone 137 00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:31,220 In. 138 00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:35,800 Turnip revealed that after Big Tony had downed a four-pack and eaten the best part of our 139 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:40,040 whole crispy duck, he asked his friends to accompany him to the forest for a few days 140 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,320 on a wild boar hunt. 141 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:43,320 Turnip said, 142 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:47,600 At first Puerto Rico Paul moaned he had tickets to the circus on the weekend and he wasn't 143 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:51,240 about to give up the thrills and spills of the big top to go and kill some pig. 144 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,760 However, I gave him a stern look and said, 145 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:55,760 Our friend needs this, Paul. 146 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:56,840 We need this. 147 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,440 This isn't the time for clowns and trapeze artists. 148 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,560 This is the time for men to be men. 149 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:04,120 Let's go bond in the woods and kill some animals. 150 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:05,600 Turnip added, 151 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,400 We were all soon shouting, 152 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,580 HELL YEAH, giving each other high fives and bear hugs. 153 00:09:10,580 --> 00:09:14,120 But in all the excitement, we forgot that Big Tony wanted to leave ASAP and none of 154 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,680 us had any camping gear, equipment, or guns or beer. 155 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:18,680 Torn said, 156 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,500 Don't worry about that, fellas. 157 00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:25,000 My van's loaded up with necessary, but trust me, we need to move fast. 158 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,360 The Welsh Water's already on their way to the site. 159 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,360 Oh God! 160 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,120 Puerto Rico Paul then mused, 161 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,120 Hang on a minute. 162 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:34,240 I thought you were in the middle of a groundworks job at Brecon Road. 163 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,760 How come you've finished so early? 164 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,160 Ask no questions and receive no fists to your face. 165 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,160 retorted Big Tony. 166 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,800 So we headed out of the flat and into the Rascal. 167 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:44,800 Turnip recalled, 168 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,200 They were speeding down the road to make it to the forest before nightfall, 169 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:50,640 Puerto Rico Paul began rummaging through Big Tony's CD collection. 170 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:54,040 It was mostly ACDC, but there was an awkward moment where he came across the greatest hits 171 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,040 of ABBA. 172 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,040 Waved it accusingly in Tony's face. 173 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:59,720 I thought you were going to say Rick Astley or something. 174 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,760 Torn turned a thunderous shade of crimson, but he kept his hands gripped on the wheel 175 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:06,640 and with his eyes on the road, he softly said with an unmistakable edge, 176 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,440 It belongs to the ex-misses. 177 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,680 Paul wasn't having any of that, but he began singing in high pitched voice, 178 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,960 "Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong...." 179 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,600 And before he could get any further, 180 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,880 Big Tony roared like a bear that's been prodded with a sharp stick. 181 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,960 Got Paul in a stranglehold and began to choke the life out of him. 182 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,720 I quickly grabbed the wheel and screamed, 183 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,840 For Christ's sake, will you two muppets behave? 184 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,200 Where do you think pigs have got throttled one another? 185 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,040 Eventually, Big Tony released his grip on Puerto Rico Paul, 186 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,920 He had gone a strange shade of blue and took the wheel back from me. 187 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:41,240 Knowing that a humble apology wasn't in either Big Tony or Puerto Rico Paul's toolkit, 188 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,920 I put ACDC's 'Back In Black' on. 189 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:47,480 And although they initially tried to fight the urge to rock out like a bad bitch, 190 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,880 By the time Brian Johnson was screeching, 191 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,680 "Cut loose from the noose!" 192 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:53,080 They had their arms... 193 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:54,080 Do it again! 194 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:57,920 They had their arms draped round one another's shoulders 195 00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,240 and were head-banging furiously. 196 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,080 You'll have to play it back when you listen. 197 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:04,880 Wounds had been healed without any words needed to be said. 198 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:06,960 It was our way and a good omen. 199 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:10,160 Or so I thought, until I saw the white deer that made a sphere off the road 200 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,760 and crashed spectacularly into the woods. 201 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,040 Fuck! 202 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,360 From Tim Butters at the Abergavenny Chronicle, 203 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:24,440 from Tuesday the 7th of May, 2024. 204 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:29,040 Abergavenny men claims there is a necromancer living in the Forest of Dean. 205 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,000 Wow, that took a swift turn. 206 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:35,320 An Abergavenny man who went on an illegal wild boar hunt with pals in the Forest of Dean 207 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,200 claims there is a necromancer living in the woods. 208 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,480 That took a serious turn. 209 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,800 Semi-professional, long distance runner, Johnny Turnip explained, 210 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:49,120 We stumbled across a necromancer's lair after a white deer caused Big Tony to crash his 211 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:50,400 Bedford Rascal. 212 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:54,200 The ugly albino creature just stepped out of nowhere and stood in the middle of the road 213 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,240 just staring at us like we were the ones naked and running through the woods without any 214 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,240 purpose. 215 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:02,120 Now, while Big Tony's got the blood of a lot of furry things in his hands and has no 216 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:06,600 aversion to killing innocent animals, he's very particular when it comes to his vehicle. 217 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,720 The last thing he hunted was Bambi's brains all over the windscreen, 218 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,000 and so he swerved to avoid the dumb animal. 219 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,240 Turnip explained they missed the deer but left the road and clipped a tree stump which 220 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:16,520 caused the van to crash. 221 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,360 It was a bit like the A-Team, recalled Turnip. 222 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:22,560 The van went flying about 200 feet in the air and flipped a full 360. 223 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:26,240 Luckily, it landed against wheels and a sort of clearing. 224 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:31,080 However, whether in a panic or instinct, Big Tony pressed down on the accelerator and we 225 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:34,800 were flying along this forest trail for about 30 feet before I heard him scream, 226 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:38,040 Get ya, brakes knackered, jump boys, jump! 227 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:41,600 We opened the doors and bailed, but just before the Bedford Rascal smacked headfirst into 228 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,600 one of the biggest oak trees I've ever seen. 229 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:47,360 Fair play, the way we jumped from the van and rolled effortlessly on the ground must 230 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:48,680 have looked pretty spectacular. 231 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:53,640 It's not something any of us had to do since our early 20s, but we still got the old magic. 232 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:57,000 Any bystanders would have probably thought we were the SAS on manoeuvres, rather than 233 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,000 just former car thieves. 234 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:04,360 Turnip added, we impaired our eager puller a bit dazed from the old deal at first and 235 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:08,920 just laid in our backs looking at the darkening skies to say, what next you bastard? 236 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:12,000 However, we're not millennials and we don't do self pity. 237 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,680 We were soon pulling one another to our feet and wondering if Big Tony had packed plenty 238 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:18,440 of beer when we heard the wailing. 239 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:24,200 Turnip recalled, it still gives me goosebumps to think about it even now. 240 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:29,640 It was a primal cry of absolute grief that could turn a man's bowels to water. 241 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:33,040 Worse, it was coming from Big Tony. 242 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,240 He was on his knees next to his van with his head in his hands. 243 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:41,400 He just looked at us with tears in his eyes and said, he's gone boys. 244 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,480 It's the end of the road for saucy Lil. 245 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,360 I know how he feels. 246 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,560 I felt the same when I crashed my motorbike. 247 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:52,720 No, well it was news to either of us that Big Tony had given his van a name and it was 248 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,280 a female one at that. 249 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,520 We both knew the affection he had for his motor. 250 00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:00,280 He was slightly perverted to my mind, but Tony's always been a bit on the spectrum 251 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,880 when it comes to his relationship with anything with wheels. 252 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,800 He was the same with his first BMX. 253 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:09,440 Anyhow, we may have made fun of his weird obsessions, but we respected Torn's grief. 254 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:12,960 And when Puerto Rico Paul whispered in my ear, perhaps we should do the right thing 255 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,920 and cremate the old bitch, I ignored it dark sarcasm. 256 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:23,480 It didn't come from a good place and right now Tony did time to mourn his loss. 257 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:27,760 Turnip explained that after a few hours being left alone with saucy Lil, Big Tony rejoined 258 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,680 his friends who were using the last of the power in their phones to play Wurdle. 259 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:36,720 He simply announced, Long may she ride, let's unload the old bird one last time and butcher 260 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,160 some boar. 261 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:42,040 Turnip said, they were his last words and his last love, and we didn't cry. 262 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:46,360 It was sad for us to see the old van bust up and mangled, but the forest of Dean was as 263 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:49,760 good a place as any for a vehicle to rust in eternity. 264 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,720 Hopefully it will one day become home for a family of ferrets. 265 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:57,000 Turnip told Chronicle that after unloading the two crates of lager, four bottles of whiskey, 266 00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:01,340 six pouches of tobacco and ten cans of beans from the van, he was a bit concerned about 267 00:15:01,340 --> 00:15:06,960 how they would survive the few nights in the forest. 268 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,400 I said to Turnip, is this going to be enough? 269 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,880 He just looked at me funny and said, what's your plan on drinking JT? 270 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,960 No, I said, I'm thinking more what we're going to eat. 271 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:21,080 We're going to chow down on some hog boss, he said in the weird American accent. 272 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:25,240 To which I replied, and how the hell are we going to hunt it? 273 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:29,280 Paul tapped me on the shoulder and just as I turned he pointed a shotgun at me and smiled 274 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,600 like a child on Christmas morning. 275 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,560 The game was on and the whiskey was in the jar. 276 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:39,200 Turnip added, we had the booze, the smokes and the gun needed for a successful pig hunt. 277 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,800 Admittedly, we didn't have any water, but there was bound to be a stream nearby. 278 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:48,000 The lack of a tent, sleeping bags and complete ignorance of exactly where we were could present 279 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,040 a few problems further down the line. 280 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:54,600 But we were masters of our destiny, born to woman but belonging to the wilderness. 281 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:58,480 Like a pack of coyotes and no tame dogs were stealing our bone. 282 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,000 We decided to set up camp for the night and get drunk. 283 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,880 Killing pigs could wait until dawn. 284 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,400 They tawny siphoned some petrol from the van and made a fire. 285 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,320 It nearly got out of hand, but after a few whiskeys we were joking about accidentally 286 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,160 burning the entire forest down. 287 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:13,560 We carried on drinking in the early hours and arguing about who would win the fight 288 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,840 between a crocodile and a bear. 289 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:20,640 Then the old man of the woods turned up and warned us all about the necromancer. 290 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,160 Oooh! 291 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:34,360 We return to the Abergavenny Chronicle and Tim Butters from Monday the 13th of May 2024. 292 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:38,600 An Abergavenny man who went on an illegal boar hunt in the forest of Dean claims that 293 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:42,720 he and his friends have stumbled across the secret that has evaded the greatest minds 294 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:43,720 in history. 295 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,040 The secret to eternal life. 296 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:50,280 It's all thanks to the necromancer the old man of the woods warned us about, explained 297 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:54,920 semi-professional long distance runner, Johnny Turnip. 298 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:58,680 As previously reported, after crashing their Bedford Rascal and ending up in an unknown 299 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:03,360 part of the forest, Turnip and his friends Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul could have called 300 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,200 it quits, gone home and left the pigs in peace. 301 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,480 However, they're made of sterner stuff. 302 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:14,160 Instead of calling the AA, they decided to make a fire, drink some whisky and discuss 303 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,920 tactics for the next day's boar hunt. 304 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:20,760 Turnip told the Chronicle, it was about 3am and we were going to get some shut eye because 305 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,880 we wanted to be fresh for the next day's killing. 306 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:27,080 We're having one last dance to Waterfall by the Stone Roses, where an old man rocked 307 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,760 up out of nowhere and just stood by the campfire all mysterious and brooding. 308 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:34,240 He had his hoodie up so you couldn't properly see his face, but you could tell from his 309 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:38,200 bow legs and the way he held himself he was getting on a bit. 310 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:43,400 Turnip added, anyhow, the song finished, Big Tony's get-up last to fell silent, and he 311 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:47,560 just stood there for ages staring at us like he was Aragon from Lord of the Rings and we 312 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:48,560 were his hobbits. 313 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:53,560 Our trouble was, he was wearing shorts so we couldn't take him seriously and Puerto 314 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:59,560 Rico Paul said as much when he hollered, why are you wearing shorts dickhead? 315 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,920 The stranger realised at this point that silent hard man routine was making him look a bit 316 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:07,160 of a tool, so he just asked Paul, any of that whisky going spare friend? 317 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:11,680 We'd never been less sorted to lie anyone a drink in the early hours, even potential 318 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:16,360 psychopaths, and so we invited him to come and sit and drink the fire water with us. 319 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:19,560 As they talked and drank, Turnip revealed that the way the stranger spoke reminded him 320 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:23,120 a lot of Captain Barbossa from Pirates of the Caribbean movies. 321 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,320 His accent cracked us up, explained Turnip. 322 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:29,800 Big Tony's particularly tickled and kept calling him the West Country Hooligan. 323 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:35,400 Funny thing is, when we asked his real name, he said all seriously, it's Jenkins, Indiana 324 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,400 Jenkins. 325 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:41,880 Tony started choking on the whisky in hysterics, but the stranger shot him back the 326 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,960 sort of look that could have emptied a pub. 327 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:49,160 Tony eventually stopped hyperventilating, and asked the stranger, Indiana, like in Indiana 328 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,160 Jones? 329 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:54,040 He looked at us with the intensity of a proper nut job before screaming in rage. 330 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,320 Who do you think Spielberg based the character on? 331 00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:01,600 Except compared with me, that Indy was less alpha male and more a big girl's blouse wearing 332 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:06,760 Nancy boy. 333 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:09,080 Probably mistaken our embarrassed silence for awe,. 334 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:13,080 Indy just cackled like a head guest on public transport before taunting, you blokes a bit 335 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,080 woke are you? 336 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,520 You're gonna cancel me. 337 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,760 You shocked by my choice of words. 338 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:21,960 To which Tony replied, it's your accent that we're struggling with, but. 339 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:25,440 He then gave Indy one of his meaningful looks and warned, now behave or I'll take that bottle 340 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,440 of whisky off you. 341 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:29,120 Turnip added, that did the trick. 342 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:33,000 Indy went all apologetic and said, sorry lads, I've spent too much time in this 343 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:36,600 here forest, and it's been a while since I've had anyone but wild pigs to converse 344 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:37,600 with. 345 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,680 The constant savagery and all that grunting and groaning in the night can make a man turn 346 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,200 a bit funny. 347 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,060 Civilized conversations eluded me for far too long. 348 00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:48,160 But speak, tell me what brings you to the woods. 349 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,660 Turnip explained that they were there to escape the hardships of everyday life and hunt some 350 00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:53,280 wild animals to death. 351 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:57,360 It was then he got particularly animated, explained Turnip. 352 00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:01,200 As soon as he mentioned butchering pigs, he started shaking his head violently and muttering, 353 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,320 no, no, no, no, no, over and over again. 354 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:08,720 As a man who often judges other males and how much meat they can consume, Big Tony looked 355 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,520 at Indy scornfully and said, what's the matter with you? 356 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,800 You some sort of vegan or something. 357 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,880 The way Big Tony managed to make vegan sound like Nazi's quite impressive. 358 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:22,400 But Indy just ignored him and screamed, fools, no one can hunt pigs in hidden parts of the 359 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,960 forest of Dean without a necromancer's blessing. 360 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:29,400 To do so is to risk death or even worse, the seventh torment. 361 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:36,320 Turnip added, saying words like the necromancer or the seventh torment to us is like offering 362 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,960 a drunk and a diet a fat slice of cake. 363 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,800 We were chomping at the bit and eager to meet this Mr. Necromancer. 364 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:46,600 I said to Indy, look mate, we're here to cover ourselves in glory and pig blood. 365 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:50,240 We ain't returning to the Mardi until the war between man and beast has been won. 366 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:54,680 Where does this necromancer live and how do we get his blessing? 367 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:58,480 Indy just pointed south and said, three miles in that direction. 368 00:20:58,480 --> 00:20:59,760 You can't miss his house. 369 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,040 It's called the lonely cottage. 370 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:06,800 Puerto Rico Paul found this hilarious and chuckled, what sort of nonsense name is that? 371 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,120 But to me, it had kind of ring to it. 372 00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:12,720 If I was a wizard living in the woods, I'd probably call my log cabin something classy 373 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:14,880 any mysterious - like Avalon. 374 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,480 But each their own. 375 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:21,600 Turnip explained that as it was nearly dawn, they decided to skip sleep and set off there 376 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:22,680 and then. 377 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:27,000 He said, Indy led the way and sometimes I wish he never had, because when we met the 378 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,920 necromancer, he also learned the secret to eternal life. 379 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:40,120 And that's a hard load for any man to carry, even a semi-professional long distance runner. 380 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:44,680 Abergavenny Man claims he was spiked by a psychic called Steve. 381 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:49,840 From Tim Butters at the Abergavenny Chronicle on Monday the 27th of May. 382 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,960 I'm laughing already. 383 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,880 An Abergavenny Man, who just wanted to kill some pigs in the Forest of Dean, has alleged 384 00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:01,960 that the illegal hunt went sideways after he and his friends had their whisky spiked 385 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,200 with acid by a psychic called Steve. 386 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:10,200 Originally, Indiana Jenkins told us Steve was a necromancer, explained semi-professional 387 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:14,760 long distance runner, Johnny Turnip, and that we needed his blessing to hunt wild boar or 388 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,040 risk the seventh torment. 389 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,040 Turnip added. 390 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:21,800 To be honest, we thought Indy was a clown, but we were a bunch of Welsh boys in English 391 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,920 Forest and, you know, funny they can get on that side of the border. 392 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:29,240 We decided not to upset the natives and get the boss wizard's blessing. 393 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:33,160 Turnip revealed that as they approached the magic man's lair, things began to go a little 394 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:34,720 pear shaped. 395 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:39,520 Suddenly, I began talking all flowery like some sort of perfumed ponce with just like 396 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,440 the bottle of opium, explained Turnip. 397 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,040 Big Tony had it worse. 398 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:47,240 He started barking like a dog and cocking his leg on nearby trees. 399 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:51,880 Meanwhile, Puerto Rico Paul began doing the river dance while reciting nursery rhymes 400 00:22:51,880 --> 00:23:00,440 and Indy was busting aggressive yoga moves like a new age mum. 401 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:01,440 Turnip explained. 402 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:05,760 Maybe he'd warn us the necromancer had probably put some sort of weird spell on us as we approached 403 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,440 his cabin and his prediction proved right. 404 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:12,840 However, after downing half a bottle of whisky to counter the magician's influence, I had 405 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:17,480 that familiar feeling you get when a bad trip wears off and realised this was no spell, 406 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:18,480 it was the purple haze - 407 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:21,000 We'd been spiked, Turnip added. 408 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,200 I quickly worked out that Indy must have been in league with the necromancer and dropped 409 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:27,000 a few tabs into the bottle of whisky we shared the previous night. 410 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,960 Thing is, the dozy tarts had gone and spiked himself. 411 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,960 I suppose he had to for the scam to be plausible. 412 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:38,120 Anyhow, I now had this David Blaine wannabe's number and leaving the boys to their trip, 413 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:41,760 I knocked on the door of his cabin, ready to go to war. 414 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:45,880 It was going to prevail that when the necromancer finally appeared from behind a cloud of coloured 415 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:49,200 smoke and puffing on his vape, he instantly recognised him. 416 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:53,280 This was no magic or high priest of the dark arts, explained Turnip. 417 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,600 It was Steve the Psychic. 418 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,960 He's a run of spiritualist night down at the Maerdy village hall every Thursday before 419 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:01,880 he mysteriously disappeared like a thief in the night. 420 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:05,560 Some say he'd taken out one too many payday loans to fund his online gambling addiction 421 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,380 and needed to do a vanishing act. 422 00:24:07,380 --> 00:24:11,680 But if he needed to lay low in a place no one ever goes, why not choose Telgarf? 423 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:16,120 Turnip explained that when Steve appeared he was still very much into his necromancer's 424 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,280 act and hadn't realised his ruse had been rumbled. 425 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:20,280 He added, 426 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:24,600 As the smoke cleared, I saw his weasel-like face smirk at Tone and Paul in Indy who were 427 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:27,240 valiantly fighting off the effects of their trip. 428 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:31,600 I simply gazed at him all cool and stony-faced like Michael Corleone in The Godfather and 429 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:32,600 I said, 430 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:33,600 I know it was you, Steve. 431 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:36,680 It was always you. 432 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:40,000 He just looked at me all haughty like he'd never done yarot card readings for a fiver in 433 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,080 a caravan at the steam rally and said, 434 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:48,080 Well, well, well, if it isn't Potato Bill, Portugal Polly and Little John. 435 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,920 I just tried not to laugh, stood my ground and replied, 436 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:52,400 You know our names, Steve. 437 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,360 It's Johnny Turnip, Puerto Rico Paul and Big Tony. 438 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:56,360 Turnip explained, 439 00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:59,320 He just pulled this tired comical expression and snarled, 440 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,960 Because those names are a lot less comical, aren't they, my wandering anus? 441 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:07,400 I ignored his pathetic attempts at humour and warned him, 442 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:08,800 Laugh it up, dickhead. 443 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,040 When Tony stops thinking he's a dog, you're in a world of trouble, pal. 444 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,180 He's never liked you. 445 00:25:13,180 --> 00:25:16,640 He may forgive you for telling his missus the spirit said he was a wrong 'un, 446 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,200 But when you spiked his drink, you crossed the Rubicon. 447 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:21,240 What are you doing, Steve? 448 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,080 What are you playing at? 449 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:26,920 As I talked, Big Tony began making his weird whimpering sounds like my old bitch Kipper 450 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,160 used to do every time there was a thunderstorm. 451 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:32,760 To make matters worse, Puerto Rico Paul moved on from the river dance and was hopping around 452 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:33,760 on one foot muttering, 453 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:37,400 If both feet touched the ground, the devil and his legions would claim him. 454 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:38,400 I shouted, 455 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:39,400 Will you two tarts cut it out? 456 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,280 Anyone have thought you'd never done shrooms before? 457 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:43,280 This is no spell. 458 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:44,280 It's the purple haze. 459 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:45,280 You're tripping. 460 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,120 This bastard spiked us. 461 00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:49,760 I said while pointing theatrically at Steve the psychic, 462 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,800 Now get the whiskey from the bag and man up. 463 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:53,840 Turnip explained. 464 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:57,080 As the boys in Indy started necking the spirits and feeling better, 465 00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,400 I turned to Steve and said, 466 00:25:58,400 --> 00:25:59,400 I'll ask you again. 467 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,440 Why'd you put acid in our whiskey, dude? 468 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,920 It's a bit uncivilized, even for a necromancer. 469 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:08,840 This time around, the Sturm and Drang seemed to leave Steve completely. 470 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:10,760 He dropped his act and sighed, 471 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,080 Okay, lads. 472 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,080 He said, 473 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:14,080 You've got me. 474 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,080 I'm sorry it had to be this way. 475 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,640 But after consulting with the arch wizard Earl Elderflower about the prophecy of the 476 00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:21,360 Three Unwise Men, 477 00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:24,400 And confirming that Indy was indeed 500 years old, 478 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,320 I had no choice. 479 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:31,080 Men have been seeking the gift of immortality and eternal life since time began. 480 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:35,080 Then when I found the hapless three promised to end the curse were lost in the woods, 481 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:39,840 I knew the gift of ages was but a stone's throw away. 482 00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:40,840 Turnip said, 483 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:43,280 I just looked at him and tried to think of something clever to say, 484 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:45,160 But all I could think of was, 485 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:46,160 Oh. 486 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:51,040 To be honest, I was dead on my feet. 487 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,840 Lack of sleep, booze and acid, and taking it all. 488 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:57,040 All I wanted was a pork pie and a place to rest my bones, 489 00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:02,240 But once again I feared that somehow me and the boys were being called upon to save the 490 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:10,800 world. 491 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:15,920 For Lightly Used News we turn to Tim Butters in the Abergavenny Chronicle from Monday the 492 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,040 3rd of June. 493 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:23,680 Abergavenny Man warns that the Forest of Dean is home to an ancient creature. 494 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:28,720 An Abergavenny Man who was spiked with acid by a psychic called Steve while on an illegal 495 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:35,040 ball hunt has warned the Forest of Dean is cursed by a half pig half man creature. 496 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:39,920 That is, as old as the hills and as twice as mean. 497 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:44,360 Semi-professional long distance runner Johnny Turnip explained, 498 00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:48,560 After being dosed by a fella we thought was necromancer, but in reality was a tarot card 499 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:51,960 reader and crystal ball caressor named Steve. 500 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:57,040 We and the boys confronted the predatory wizard to ask why he tried to blow our minds with 501 00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:58,040 drugs. 502 00:27:58,040 --> 00:27:59,040 Turnip added, 503 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:01,560 Big Tony in particular was livid. 504 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:04,760 Thanks to the LSD he'd spent the best part of two hours thinking he was a German shepherd 505 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:05,760 called Prince. 506 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:09,560 It's a tough blow for a proud man like Tony to take. 507 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:13,240 And from his stony silence I could deduce he was ready to gouge psychic Steve's eyes 508 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:15,320 out with a spoon and boil him. 509 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:19,920 Fortunately as a natural diplomat I managed to keep the frenzied violence at bay by appealing 510 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:24,840 to Tone's better nature and giving the necromancer a chance to explain his feral-like behaviour 511 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:29,640 before Big Tony battered him like a sausage. 512 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,120 Turnip told the Chronicle, 513 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:36,960 The magic man had hinted at some sort of prophecy involving three unwise men and a gift of immortality. 514 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,280 As a supernatural investigator I wanted to know more. 515 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:41,280 Turnip said, 516 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:44,960 That after they'd made themselves comfortable on the bean bags situated in psychic Steve's 517 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,400 well presented and orderly cabin, 518 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:51,600 the would-be necromancer explained that he and his psychic Indiana Jenkins spiked their 519 00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:55,720 whiskey to prepare their minds for the unimaginable and impossible. 520 00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,280 He'd eaten the bobblet, revealed Turnip. 521 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:00,560 It was a waste of acid. 522 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:04,080 As a supernatural investigator I've seen and done things that would make an average 523 00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:07,280 man eat his own fingers like they were made out of fish. 524 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,440 Same rules apply to Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul. 525 00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:12,320 There's simply nothing we won't believe. 526 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:16,000 Turnip revealed that after being called down as a fraud at various séances he'd held 527 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:17,960 in the village around Monmouthshire, 528 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:22,920 Psychic Steve fled to the top of Skirrid Mountain to study high magic with a fabled wizard known 529 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:24,440 as Earl Elderflower. 530 00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:26,160 Turnip said, 531 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:28,560 Apparently this elderflower is the real deal. 532 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:31,720 A proper necromancer, like Gandalf or something. 533 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:36,800 He travels all over the UK acting wise, casting spells and telling people the future. 534 00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:40,520 But for three nights a year you can find him on top of the Skird in a tent. 535 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:43,640 That's probably why they call it the Holy Mountain. 536 00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,880 Psychic Steve went up there one night to fry some sausages with him, or whatever wizards 537 00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:47,880 do together. 538 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:53,440 He told Steve that the Forest of Dean is home to the world's only half pig, half man creature. 539 00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:55,840 It's like a werewolf but less cool. 540 00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:59,360 A sort of were-pig. 541 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:00,920 Elderflower referred to it as the Gruntarunt. 542 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,160 Sounds a bit Nazi for me. 543 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,360 I like Homo-Trotter better. 544 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:10,240 Anyhow, it turns out this man pig beast was once a local from a nearby village and his 545 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:11,240 name was Dean. 546 00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,080 They're going back a good thousand years here mate. 547 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:18,200 But story goes, one day this young lad is wandering in the forest on his own looking 548 00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:22,400 for mushrooms or whatever they did in the middle ages to pass the time when he was attacked 549 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:24,400 by a wild pig. 550 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:28,600 Dean was savage quite badly by the poor and most of his left leg and buttocks eaten away 551 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,760 as he tried to crawl for cover. 552 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:34,880 Nevertheless, he survived the attack and managed to find his way home to his village only to 553 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,440 die three hours later. 554 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:41,760 The operation ended there but a week after he was buried, Dean's grave was dug up and 555 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,240 his corpse has gone missing. 556 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:48,200 Pretty soon reports started coming thick and fast about a man who looked like a pig that 557 00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:51,560 was attacking and eating villagers in the moonlight. 558 00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:56,120 The villagers soon realised their friend Dean had transformed by some terrible curse into 559 00:30:56,120 --> 00:31:00,880 a hellish hog who would happily drink the blood and feast on their flesh. 560 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:05,200 From then on, the expansive nameless woodland just outside the village became known as the 561 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:06,200 Forest of Dean. 562 00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:09,200 Ha ha ha ha ha! 563 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:12,200 I didn't even see that coming! 564 00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:15,200 Ha ha ha ha ha! 565 00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:17,200 That's brilliant! 566 00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:20,200 Ha ha ha ha ha! 567 00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:26,200 Turn it that way, for years the people were familiar with the story, new to the forest. 568 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:30,200 No living creature would venture there except for the hordes of wild boars, many of which 569 00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:34,700 were said to be sired by Dean in an unnatural union with an old sow he had fallen in love 570 00:31:34,700 --> 00:31:35,700 with. 571 00:31:35,700 --> 00:31:41,000 As time ticked on, memories faded, all people died and the stories of how the forest was 572 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:42,000 named became lost. 573 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:45,200 People began to once more wander into its dark depths. 574 00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:49,640 For years the hobo Trotter has laid in a deep slumber because his terrible appetites could 575 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:50,640 not be assuaged. 576 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:56,520 But as living things once again began to venture into the forest, Dean slowly awoke and began 577 00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:57,520 eating them. 578 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:02,200 Fortunately, he has lost his taste for human flesh, but he has developed an insatiable 579 00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:06,560 appetite for sausage dogs, and many a dash hunt who has wandered from his own assigned 580 00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:09,560 has met an untimely end in the forest. 581 00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:13,720 Yet, the real reason Dean is now a source of interest to men who live and breathe magic 582 00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:18,560 is not because he poses a threat to sausage dogs, but because he is an immortal and he 583 00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:23,640 said that those who drink his blood will also be bequeathed with the gift of eternal life. 584 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:27,800 Turn it explained, we all got very interested at this point, particularly when psychic Steve 585 00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:32,160 said that Elderflower had also told him about an old man of the forest named Indiana Jenkins 586 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:36,880 who had been bitten by the hobo Trotter and not only survived but thrived for the past 587 00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:37,880 500 years. 588 00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:42,760 The very same Indy who had helped psychic Steve spike our whiskey because according 589 00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:48,920 to a prophecy long written down, we were the three unwise men who would help end the curse. 590 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:54,040 Turn it added, as me, Victoria and Pertorica Paul looked at each other slightly, we began 591 00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:57,160 to slowly grin like three handsome devils. 592 00:32:57,160 --> 00:33:01,920 We were back in business, the hunt was on and we in the boys were going to live forever. 593 00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:03,920 That there be blood. 594 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:14,920 From the Abergavennyi Chronicle on the 10th of June 2024 from Tim Butters 595 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:21,720 Abergavenny Man warns people they seek eternal youth at their peril. 596 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:26,400 An Abergavenny Man has warned people not to chase rainbows or eternal life after he 597 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:31,920 was persuaded by a psychic called Steve to do some pretty outlandish things and a foolhardy 598 00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:33,720 quest to live forever. 599 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:38,800 In hindsight, I can see we were blindsided by ambition and immortality to really question 600 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:45,160 what we were doing at the time, recalls semi-professional long distance runner Johnny Turnip. 601 00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:49,680 But when you're lost in the forest and your mind is fried from sleep deprivation acid, 602 00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:53,080 it's easy to think hunting pigs while naked is normal. 603 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:56,680 Coming back, I can see we'd been hoodwinked a little by psychic Steve. 604 00:33:56,680 --> 00:34:00,520 I feel his intentions were good, but I think he'd been mixed up in necromancy for so long 605 00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:04,560 and spent so much time in the company of cult leaders like Earl Elderflower that he didn't 606 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:07,080 know the difference between reality and fantasy anymore. 607 00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:11,680 And as it turns out, his brand of crazy was quite contagious. 608 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:15,280 What began as an innocent, illegal wild boar hunt in the Forest of Dean became a little 609 00:34:15,280 --> 00:34:18,680 more complicated for Turnip and his mates when they were spiked with acid by psychic 610 00:34:18,680 --> 00:34:23,640 Steve and his supposedly 500 year old sidekick Indiana Jenkins. 611 00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:27,920 Once the LSD had made their minds receptive to be moulded by those with dark intent, Psychic 612 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:32,320 Steve told them the story of the homo-trotter, who was like a werewolf, but a pig version 613 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:35,600 that had haunted the Forest of Dean for over a thousand years. 614 00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:39,800 He claimed the blood of immortality ran through the supernatural boar's veins like the river 615 00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:44,280 of the damned and all Turnip and his mates had to do was kill the homo-trotter, drink 616 00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:47,840 its blood and they too would live forever. 617 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:51,480 It all sounded so plausible the way he told it, explained Turnip. 618 00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:55,200 And when he said we had to hunt the crazed eternal pig creature naked by the light of 619 00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:59,400 the moon or it would smell civilisation on us before we could get close, it sounded like 620 00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:02,400 simple common sense. 621 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:03,400 Turnip recalled, 622 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:06,400 Once we discarded all our clothes, it was a bit embarrassing because we didn't know 623 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:10,400 where to look, but as soon as Puerto Rico Paul picked up a shotgun and screamed, 624 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:11,400 "HE WHO DARES!" 625 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:17,240 We felt like men again, and it was time for the killing to commence. 626 00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:21,160 Turnip explained that with Psychic Steve and Indian Jenkins leading the way, the rest of 627 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:22,160 them brought up the rear. 628 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:26,640 It was night time by this point, so we'd forgotten we were all naked, explained Turnip. 629 00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:31,280 We were just men in the wilderness, bonding over a shared love of hunting unsuspecting 630 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:32,280 animals. 631 00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:37,080 The only difference is, this time we were in pursuit of immortality. 632 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:38,080 Turnip added, 633 00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:42,080 At one point we thought we'd closed in on the homo-trotter and formed a circular and 634 00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:45,520 a suspicious looking bush where we'd detected movement. 635 00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:49,120 Puerto Rico Paul aimed and let the beast have both barrels. 636 00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:52,880 As the smoke cleared and we investigated further, it turns out Paul had simply blown the head 637 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:53,880 off a poor rabbit. 638 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:54,880 You idiot! 639 00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:55,880 Snarled Big Tony, 640 00:35:55,880 --> 00:36:00,320 You've just alerted the whole forest we're here! 641 00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:02,320 Before Paul could stick up his two fingers in reply, 642 00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:03,760 Heard Psychic Steve scream, 643 00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:04,760 He's coming! 644 00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:06,760 Run you fools! 645 00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:10,880 As we turned, we saw the biggest boar imaginable bearing down on us. 646 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:15,240 I kid you not, it had red demonic eyes and sort of fangs that could cut through steel. 647 00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:18,000 There was no way we were taking this swine out of the game. 648 00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:19,680 Eternal life would have to wait for another day. 649 00:36:19,680 --> 00:36:24,040 We were trespassing in Lord Pig's kingdom and he wanted us gone. 650 00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:25,520 Turnip told the Chronicle, 651 00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:29,680 Thankfully Psychic Steve was standing in King Pig's path and he suffered the full brunt of 652 00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:30,680 its savagery. 653 00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:34,800 Tossed him up in the air like a rag doll and when he fell to earth you could tell by his 654 00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:37,200 screams, he got really nasty towards the end. 655 00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:41,240 If we thought we could have saved him we would, but Paul was out of ammo and I don't think 656 00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:44,400 even Big Tony could have knocked out a wild pig with his blood up. 657 00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:48,720 As we ran and the pig's hellish grunts mixed with Steve's dying howls filled our ears, 658 00:36:48,720 --> 00:36:53,360 we felt terrible, mainly because we realised we were all still near kid. 659 00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:57,120 Turnip explained that after five minutes of running they became aware of an almighty grunting 660 00:36:57,120 --> 00:37:02,000 noise made not by one but an army of pigs who had emerged from the shadows and given 661 00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:03,000 chase. 662 00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:08,000 As if they left Psychic Steve to die. 663 00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:10,000 Didn't have a choice in the matter. 664 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:11,000 Sounds like it. 665 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:12,000 It happened so quickly. 666 00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:15,000 ...your honour 667 00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,880 Promise officer. 668 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:21,440 If you've ever been chased by a wild pig you'll know how terrifying and at the same time embarrassing 669 00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:22,440 it is. 670 00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:25,880 You can imagine what it felt like to have about 500 hungry porkers on your tail with 671 00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:30,400 a scent of human flesh in the nostrils, which piggies were squealing with excitement and 672 00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:32,080 looked like Turnip was on the menu. 673 00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:38,440 Turnip added, just when it all seemed lost, Big Tony forced us to a standstill and bellowed, 674 00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:44,200 "This ends here, I'm through running, if we die we die, but I swear I've yet to eat my 675 00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:46,560 last bacon sandwich!" 676 00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:52,280 Turnip said, as battle speeches go, it lacked a certain something. 677 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,320 It didn't inspire Indy for sure. 678 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:57,720 He said, "Sod this for a game of soldiers, I'm out of here". 679 00:37:57,720 --> 00:37:59,320 And disappeared into the trees. 680 00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:03,840 Yet, by acting the coward, he'd drawn our pigs off our tail, but headed after him and we 681 00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:07,000 were left with a little breeding space to make our play and get the hell out of the 682 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:08,000 forest. 683 00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:11,920 Turnip recalls, that naked and breathless of three friends just looked up at the night 684 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:15,520 skies and the stars that sparkled there, before erupting in laughter. 685 00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:17,360 What else could we do? 686 00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:18,360 said Turnip. 687 00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:23,800 We were naked, with no weapons, booze or direction stone, but we were together, three chances 688 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:24,800 on the make. 689 00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:28,480 The wilderness couldn't defeat us, the acid couldn't break us, and the pigs wouldn't 690 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:29,480 eat us. 691 00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:32,000 We'd be getting away with it all our lives. 692 00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:35,960 And when my old mate Tom Cruise turned up in his chopper, I knew for sure everything 693 00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:36,960 would be alright. 694 00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:37,960 To be continued. 695 00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:50,560 That is one hell of an LSD trip. 696 00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:58,600 We turn once again to the Abergavenny Chronicle from Tim Butters on Monday 17th June 2024. 697 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:06,040 Abergavenny man claims Tom Cruise saved him from being eaten alive by wild pigs. 698 00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:11,200 An Abergavenny man has made the outlandish claim that Hollywood royalty Tom Cruise saved 699 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:17,560 him and his friends from being eaten alive by an army of wild pigs in the Forest of Dean. 700 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:21,740 Semi-professional, long distance runner, Johnny Turnip claims that after an illegal 701 00:39:21,740 --> 00:39:25,960 boar hunt went wrong, the Top Gun star came to his rescue. 702 00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:29,700 We were naked and alone, and had pretty much resigned ourselves to being ripped limb from 703 00:39:29,700 --> 00:39:32,080 limb in an orgy of savagery. 704 00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:33,080 Explained Turnip. 705 00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:37,320 We were lost and exhausted, and it was only a matter of time before the hordes of hungry 706 00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:41,640 trotters sniffed us out and made us their prey. 707 00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:45,400 Turnip added, we heard the hooves thundering against the ground before we saw them. 708 00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:49,400 There must have been about 500 of the porkers all headed our way. 709 00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:53,600 Everything seemed hopeless, but just as Puerto Rico Paul began reciting the Lord's Prayer and 710 00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:58,400 Big Tony began bellowing, beating his chest and preparing to go out in a blaze of glory, 711 00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:02,200 the stampede of pigs was drowned out by the noise of helicopter blades. 712 00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:07,600 Turnip explained that as they looked up, they saw a Black Hawk helicopter and the familiar 713 00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:10,840 figure of Tom Cruise throwing down the rope ladder and shouting... 714 00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:14,640 ....Oh, I'm not doing the voices, sorry. 715 00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:17,360 Forgot to say that at the start. 716 00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:18,360 "Come on, JT! 717 00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:21,040 Climb on up and get the hell out of Dodge! 718 00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:23,960 You got some mean and hungry pigs in your tail, boys!" 719 00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:24,960 Turnip told the Chronicle. 720 00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:29,200 To give your readers a bit of context, it's only fair I explain that me and Tom go way 721 00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:30,200 back. 722 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:33,120 I call him Tyke on behalf of his diminutive stature. 723 00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:37,160 We first met in 2004 when Johnny Depp was filming scenes for the Libertine movie at 724 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:39,880 Tretower Court just outside of Crickhowell. 725 00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:43,800 Tyke was suffering from the midlife crisis at the time and developed an unhealthy obsession 726 00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:45,960 with Depp and used to follow him around the world. 727 00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:50,920 He was in disguise when I met him in a local pub, but I recognised him and after a few 728 00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:53,680 ails we became firm friends. 729 00:40:53,680 --> 00:40:58,560 Over the years Tyke's often stayed with me for long weekends when he needs a steady dose 730 00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:02,760 of realism to counter all the nonsense he has to deal with in La La Land. 731 00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:06,560 I once nearly persuaded him to buy Maerdy FC but Ryan Reynolds did something similar in 732 00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:09,520 Wrexham and ruined that idea. 733 00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:10,520 Turnip added. 734 00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:15,040 Anyhow, after a rescue, I later learned that he had made one of his surprise visits to 735 00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:18,080 Abergavenny only to find me and the boys had gone AWOL. 736 00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:22,020 He later called on Nanny 'Annie Horror Show' Turnip to find out where me and the boys were. 737 00:41:22,020 --> 00:41:24,880 After she'd thrown a pint of rum and shrub over Tyke because she thought he was a cold 738 00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:26,920 caller selling life insurance. 739 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:29,200 She told him we're probably dead in the Forest of Dean somewhere. 740 00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:32,960 A lot of shows got a great sense of humour but he was lost on Tyke. 741 00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:37,240 He took it quite literally and decided to charter a chopper to recover our bodies. 742 00:41:37,240 --> 00:41:38,960 it's a good job he did. 743 00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:43,040 We and the boys would have been eaten up by the pigs and spat out as fertiliser. 744 00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:44,040 Turnip explained. 745 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:48,360 After they'd boarded the chopper, piloted by Cruise and a fellow called Cornelius Clyde, 746 00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:51,240 they were given army jumpsuits to cover their nakedness. 747 00:41:51,240 --> 00:41:57,000 They then told the Hollywood star the tale of white deer, LSD, psychics, necromancers, 748 00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:59,440 immortality and mythological pig creatures. 749 00:41:59,440 --> 00:42:01,400 Cruise just nodded his head solemnly and said, 750 00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:03,120 "You fellas have seen some crazy shit. 751 00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:06,800 Maybe one day it'll make a great movie but for now my job is to get you god damn heroes 752 00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:09,800 back to civilisation." 753 00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:10,800 Turnip recalled. 754 00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:14,980 As we left the combat zone, Tyke issued us with these fantastic cigars to smoke. 755 00:42:14,980 --> 00:42:18,400 But before we could light up and forget and maybe forgive the world and the demands it 756 00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:19,400 made of us, 757 00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:21,480 I heard Puerto Rico Paul scream. 758 00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:23,080 "Look, down there! 759 00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:24,080 It's Indiana Jenkins! 760 00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:26,680 We've got to save him!" 761 00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:27,680 Turnip added. 762 00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:29,480 Below me there was a clearing in the forest. 763 00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:33,760 And in this field we could see Indy bravely running for his life as the hundreds of pigs 764 00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:34,760 chased him. 765 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:39,320 It was a bit like the scene in Platoon where Sergeant Elias's chase went fired at by NVA 766 00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:40,320 troops. 767 00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:42,720 How Indy had survived at this point I had no idea. 768 00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:43,920 I screamed at Tyke. 769 00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:45,800 "There's a man left behind. 770 00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:48,000 Take the chopper down now!" 771 00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:51,040 Tyke coolly replied in a no-nonsense military style. 772 00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:52,320 "Roger that JT. 773 00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:53,320 Blackhawk down." 774 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:57,440 And maneuver the chopper to a better angle to land before grinning cheekily and saying 775 00:42:57,440 --> 00:43:03,320 "I'll take you right into the danger zone." 776 00:43:03,320 --> 00:43:07,080 Meanwhile Big Tony had manned the helicopter's machine gun and with a cigar on his mouth 777 00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:09,760 he began bellowing as he let rip into the pigs. 778 00:43:09,760 --> 00:43:11,720 "Eat lead you motherless sons of bitches!" 779 00:43:11,720 --> 00:43:16,160 Big Tone was like a man possessed but for every pig he felt five others would appear 780 00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:17,160 on his place. 781 00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:21,600 As the swine slowly called up with Indy the poor sod just fell to his knees, held his 782 00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:23,800 arms skyward and a futile plea for help. 783 00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:28,280 There was a terrible cacophony of squealing and grunting as Indy's final adventure came 784 00:43:28,280 --> 00:43:29,280 to an end. 785 00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:31,280 Puerto Rico screamed "Nooooo!" 786 00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:36,440 And none of us could look as Indy was eaten alive by the pigs. 787 00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:38,040 I just sighed. 788 00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,440 "Abort Tyke. 789 00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:40,440 Abort." 790 00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:44,640 Turnip revealed that as Tom Cruise flew the helicopter back to Abergavenny the three friends 791 00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:49,960 sat in silence as they tried to come to grips with the events of the last few days. 792 00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:52,720 Turnip said We all just gazed moodily out of the chopper 793 00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:55,760 like men who had seen some serious action tend to. 794 00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:59,120 Puerto Rico Paul tried to give voice to our emotions when he solemnly quoted the main 795 00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:06,000 guy in platoon and said "I think now looking back we do not fight the enemy we fought ourselves 796 00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,160 and the enemy was in us. 797 00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:10,120 The war is over for me now." 798 00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:13,600 I could see Big Tony's nostrils flaring before he slapped Puerto Rico Paul around the head 799 00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:15,800 and warned "Behave you pathetic ponce". 800 00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:22,280 At the same time at a sudden moment of clarity I was no longer a semi-professional long distance 801 00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:28,480 runner I was a semi-professional paranormal investigator and my true trials had yet to 802 00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:33,440 begin. 803 00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:37,840 Thank you very much to Tim Butters at the Abergavenny Chronicle for your coverage and 804 00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:39,760 reporting Johnny Turnip's adventures. 805 00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:44,720 Hello if you're listening!...Hopefully this is one of those forgiveness over permission 806 00:44:44,720 --> 00:44:45,720 situations. 807 00:44:45,720 --> 00:44:51,280 The show blog has a link to every article and you can find them compiled for this episode 808 00:44:51,280 --> 00:44:54,780 at LightlyUsed.co.uk. 809 00:44:54,780 --> 00:45:00,320 We are part of the Studio:Channel 84 network, visit channel84.co.uk, check out our fellow 810 00:45:00,320 --> 00:45:05,240 network shows - there's The Variety Show, the Untitled Sci-Fi Show and Who Takes The Socks Off 811 00:45:05,240 --> 00:45:09,640 with their spin-off series Socks - On or Off. 812 00:45:09,640 --> 00:45:11,640 Find us all at channel84.co.uk. 813 00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:44,240 Adam and Karen have been Lightly Used Visit lightlyused.co.uk for more email pod @ lightlyused.co.uk 814 00:45:44,240 --> 00:46:11,240 This was a Studio:Channel 84 network show To find more, head over to channel84.co.uk now.