This is Lightly Used with Adam and Karen
Do you know, I'm not sure there is such a thing as a ghost.
I've been telling you this.
I know you have.
And I don't know if it's that I want to believe ...in inverted commas.
Or being brought up on ghost stories from Dad.
But anyway, me and Jackson went to a seance evening two weeks ago.
As you know.
Jackson died.
K: Me and Jackson.... A: Jackson and I
Alright, grammar granny.
Jackson and Moi attended a seance evening at Routon's Museum of
Haunted Things.
Was that the place you've been to before with the window of the Amityville Horror House?
That's correct.
Yes, that's the one that me and Lexi went to.
I couldn't persuade Lexi to come to a seance evening because she's a chicken.
But Jackson was all up for it.
So we went and we had a really nice time.
And it was a lovely evening and it was me, Jackson, one other woman whose name was Karen.
Not confusing.
No, not confusing.
Every time I go to Routon's there's weird synchronicities.
So there was me, another Karen, Anna Jackson and then Laura and Eric.
And we did a bit of talking and then we went upstairs, did some crystal gazing where we sat in a darkened room and looked at...
Balls.
Yeah, balls of stone, crystal quartz.
Then we had a little break, had a cup of tea, chatted a bit more.
And then later on we did a Ouija board session.
Now, I know a lot of people have opinions on Ouija boards.
Some people think they're really evil and they're like the gateway to the devil.
And at the far end of the scale it's just a board game.
It was only ever meant to be a board game but spirituality just went crazy in the Victorian time.
Yeah, was it MB Games had the license for it?
I don't know.
Yeah, I can't remember.
No.
Anyway, some company had a license for it.
Yeah, some company had a license for it.
A mainstream company.
We were doing this Ouija board session and they had this thing called a spirit lamp.
And I don't know, I wasn't pushing the planchette.
Jackson wasn't pushing the planchette.
I can't say for sure whether Eric or Laura, the hosts of the museum, were pushing the planchette.
And I don't know if Karen was either, the other Karen, not me.
But it was a really fun experience.
But nothing really happened.
The lamp went off a couple of times.
But on the way home Jackson told me that he thought Eric had a button in his hand
and every time the light was going off Eric was pressing this button.
And I was like, I didn't know that.
It's like they did it in Victorian times.
Yeah, I mean to be fair they did say that it was a night where they were bringing back to life
some of the parapsychological techniques of yore.
So they were upfront about how seances worked in the Victorian times.
But afterwards they could have gone,
well you see I had a really fine string attached to my ankle
and I was ringing this bell all the time when I tugged my foot.
They could have shown you how it was done after, after scaring the bejesus out of you all.
It wasn't scary.
I laughed through most of it.
I thought it was hilarious, really good fun.
And I would definitely go and do it again just for the entertainment value.
For the experience.
Yeah, but I don't know.
I've been to like big group medium sessions where there's like 300 people in an audience.
Big mediums?
Average size mediums?
Medium mediums.
And now I've been to like a really intimate seance evening.
They're both fun experiences for different reasons.
I don't know if there's such a thing as ghosts or if they just weren't there.
I don't think they're real.
I think people want to believe.
Answers on a postcard please.
I'm pretty sure they've been debunked after all, everyone's got a camera on them now.
True.
But it's like people who go out looking for big cats.
When you see a big cat you don't automatically go,
oh hang on a second I'll get my phone out. You look at the big cat, you watch it walk off
and you think, ah fuck I should have taken a photo.
But then all the photos people have taken of supposedly big cats,
it's just larger than normal house cats.
It's a bit closer than you think it actually is.
Yeah, it's the perspective.
Back to Father Ted again.
Last episode.
This cow is near.
It's going to be a recurring thing isn't it Father?
Far away.
Anyway, that's enough of that bollocks.
Welcome to Lightly Used episode 16.
My name's Karen.
I'm Adam.
And we're lovely, lovely weird people and we're happy to have your ears.
We're mostly spending our time having a mooch around charity shops.
We did today.
We did.
We found a couple of things.
For our spiritual mentors.
Parents.
They don't know it but they are.
Oh no they do know it.
Paul and Eli of Cheap Show.
We've got a..., no, we're not going to say it! We've got two little presents.
Yeah, they have a little gift each that we just happened to find.
They'll be in the post presently at some point.
I do have a follow up to my tat last episode.
One of the vans was branded Huntley and Palmer's.
They did hire an illustrator, Mick Hill, to design some ornate biscuit tins.
He hid some naughty illustrations.
Did he?
In the tins.
I've put a link to the BBC interview with him on the episode 15 blog post.
lightlyused.co.uk.
Click on the studio blogs drop down.
But yeah, there's about three tins where he hid some naughty things happening in the background.
One was a Japanese motif designed to one of them and there was a guy with kanji script writing it.
He's got a guy who knows Japanese to translate it.
So he's on the biscuit tin, he's writing out 'sex and drugs and rock and roll'.
That's brilliant.
A couple of dogs shagging in one, a couple of people at it in the bushes in the same one.
Oh my god, we need to find these biscuits in.
Look on the episode 15 blog, there's a link to the BBC video.
The guy seems a really decent chap.
He was a freelancer so when they found out they just didn't hire him again.
That's fair enough, he's still one.
I think the news articles were that, oh he's a disgruntled employee,
he hid these in designs as an act of revenge.
No, no, I was just a freelancer.
These are the three I got away with, they just didn't hire me again
after it got out.
Well done mate.
Oh, I also forgot to mention last episode,
you mentioned watching Casablanca with your dad.
We watched Barbed Wire.
No, it's not Barbed Wire, it's Barb Wire.
It's retelling setting the post-apocalyptic future...of 2017.
How was it for you?
It was interesting.
There were nipples.
A couple of legitimate actors.
Yes, weirdly legitimate actors.
And an awful lot of leather.
I don't know what the dress code was in the future,
did a lot of clothes or not many clothes survive?
Only the leather clothes survived the apocalypse.
It came from Mad Max.
Some of the club goers, they're really well dressed,
some of the dancers and the staff, they're in very nice suits.
It's hard to gauge what's going on there.
Maybe the ones in snappy suits, the ones that have got Chinese silk factories or something.
There was a very gratuitous amount of boobage and butterkits.
So sexist.
What do you mean?
She got a dog to grab that guy by the nuts.
What was the dog called?
Something really prim?
A: Camilla?
K: Was it Camilla?
K: Claude?
A: Camille?
Anyway, doesn't matter.
Very cute dog.
I walked him out by his nuts.
That's a very, very well trained dog.
He was walking so daintily.
It was like dressage.
Just dressage you out of the room, sir.
Via the testiculars.
He has got to have been wearing a cup.
You'd hope so.
A very dedicated stuntman.
I don't know if Barb Wire has been praised quite this way before.
Possibly not.
We're absolutely certain Pamela Anderson never ever rode that motorbike.
No, you only ever saw her in still shots.
Like when she was getting onto it or it had just pulled up and she had put her feet on the floor
and she was taking her helmet off and whisking her head round in a timid fashion.
Otherwise, whenever you saw the person on the bike or the bike being ridden -
helmet like stig, blacked out helmet.
Cannot see who's inside.
It could be a lithe stuntman with a wig.
I reckon it probably was a guy.
A couple of times. They nearly wiped out.
Yeah, they did a lot of fishtailing.
Yeah, we don't think they were experienced bike riders.
I've never ridden a motorbike.
Even I could spot.
This seems unsafe.
You're just driving in apparently a straight line.
The front wheel was in a straight line.
You're not going to do another take where it looks alright instead of...
Whoa, there we go.
Cut, print. There we go.
We haven't got the budget to do this again.
Like that explosion.
What was the explosion bit where I was like, oh, that was the one and done.
There's no way we could have set that back up again.
Yeah, we'd recommend it, surprisingly.
It's probably on YouTube somewhere.
It's a happy ending.
Phrasing?
Sorry.
Oh, Arthur, 'call me Art' has been in touch.
He's been catching up on the shows.
He says, sorry, he missed your birthday in November.
That's how busy he's been.
Bless him.
He's been working on an NFT.
Apparently it was TOO fungible...
I don't know what that means.
He's also been working on a cryptocurrency as a backup.
He couldn't get the NFT going.
It was also a birthday present, he told me.
It's called the Karencoin.
Oh, Lord.
I said we just didn't want to get involved in any plans if the explanation includes the words 'block chain'.
Also, it's 2025.
Missed the boat for cryptocurrency and NFTs completely.
Let's not do that, yeah?
No, I'll put the kibosh on that.
He did also say if he went to the gambling sponsor, he knows a guy,
which I think he just wanted his bookie to advertise on the show.
Right, well, we all know how I feel about gambling.
I explained that to him.
I told him if he's going to get a sponsor, it's going to be relevant to the show.
At the very bloody least.
He said, leave it with me.
I will get back to you.
He's very enthusiastic.
He's determined to get a sponsor this year.
OK.
He said, yeah, he's a bit too excited.
I think I'm a bit worried.
If the adverts can be subliminally placed into the episodes rather than interrupting them.
I still don't know what he does for Channel 84.
Do you think we should ask Tom and Rob?
He's got a room.
I don't know if it's an office.
There was stuff in the room.
He didn't really let me come in.
He's kind of stopped me.
I tried looking around him.
As long as they're not donations for future chat, he's just keeping hidden away.
He didn't seem to like...
He seemed to be aware I was trying to look around him.
Yeah, just sidestepping at him.
It was really suspicious.
I don't know what was going on behind him.
Oh, God.
Could have been his work on an NFT.
As long as it wasn't porn in the office.
I don't know.
The bins were full of paper.
I didn't want to look.
He was working on something.
Coming up.
We have got stuff coming up.
Moving on.
I don't want to know what he gets up to in that room.
Now you've put that in my mind.
Sorry.
Johnny Turner and Friends.
are rescued in 'Lightly Used News'.
We close our eyes, caress and guess each other's mystery item in 'Tat in the Box'.
We've got a new game!.
Yes, yeah, we do.
I was about to say, have we?
What have you inserted into the episode you haven't told me about?
No, it's a new board game.
Yeah.
We will finish Crystal Maze at some point, I promise.
Yeah, we will.
What have we got?
We've got the Criss Cross Quiz, which I picked up a couple of weeks ago in Swansea.
The Grandad's favourite TV show?
Yeah.
The Grandad's TV network.
God.
It's all ITV now, there's no more Granada.
Also, it's my choice of Charity Shop's sourced board game...er, book.
Fuck!
I can't read my writing.
It's my choice of Charity Shop's sourced BOOK to end the show in Bibliotat.
For Likely Used News, we turn once again to the Abergavenny Chronicle from Tim Butters on Monday 17th June 2024.
Abergavenny Man claims Tom Cruise saved him from being eaten alive by wild pigs.
An Abergavenny Man has made the outlandish claim that Hollywood royalty Tom Cruise saved him and his friends from being eaten alive by an army of wild pigs in the Forest of Dean.
Semi-professional, long-distance runner Johnny Turnip claims that after an illegal boar hunt went wrong, the Top Gun star came to his rescue.
We were naked and alone, and had pretty much resigned ourselves to being ripped limb from limb in an orgy of savagery, explained Turnip.
We were lost and exhausted, and it was only a matter of time before the hordes of hungry trotters sniffed us out and made us their prey.
Turnip added, we heard the hooves thundering against the ground before we saw them.
There must have been about 500 of the porkers all headed our way.
Everything seemed hopeless, but just as Puerto Rico Paul began reciting the Lord's Prayer, and Big Tony began bellowing, beating his chest and preparing to go out in a blaze of glory, the stampede of pigs was drowned out by the noise of helicopter blades.
Turnip explained that as they looked up, they saw a Black Hawk helicopter and the familiar figure of Tom Cruise throwing down the rope ladder and shouting...
Oh, I'm not doing the voices, sorry. Forgot to say that at the start!
"Come on, JT, climb on up and let's get the hell out of Dodge.
You got some mean and hungry pigs in your tail, boys, " Turnip told the Chronicle.
To give your readers a bit of context, it's only fair I explain that me and Tom go way back. I call him Tyke on behalf of his diminutive stature.
We first met in 2004 when Johnny Depp was filming scenes for the Libertine movie at Tretower Court just outside of Crickhowell
Tyke was suffering from a midlife crisis at the time and developed an unhealthy obsession with Depp and used to follow him around the world.
He was in disguise when I met him in a local pub, but I recognised him and after a few ails, we became firm friends.
Over the years, Tyke's often stayed with me for long weekends when he needs a steady dose of realism to counter all the nonsense he has to deal with in La La Land.
I once nearly persuaded him to buy Maerdy FC, but Ryan Reynolds did something similar in Wrexham and ruined that idea.
Turnip added, anyhow, after a rescue, I later learned that he had made one of his surprise visits to Abagivemi only to find me and the boys had gone AWOL.
He later called on Nanny Annie 'Horror Show' Turnip to find out where me and the boys were.
After she threw a pint of rum and shrub over Tyke because she thought he was a cold caller selling life insurance, she told him they were probably dead in the Forest of Dean somewhere.
Horror Show's got a great sense of humour, but he was lost on Tyke. He took it quite literally and decided to charter a chopper to recover our bodies.
In hindsight, it's a good job he did. We and the boys would have been eaten up by the pigs and spat out as fertiliser.
Turnip explained, after they'd boarded the chopper, piloted by Cruise and a fella called Cornelius Clyde, they were given army jumpsuits to cover their nakedness.
They then told the Hollywood star their tale of white deer, LSD, psychics, necromancers, immortality and mythological pig creatures.
Cruise just nodded his head solemnly and said,
"You fella have seen some crazy shit. Maybe one day it'll make a great movie, but for now my job's to get you goddamned heroes back to civilisation".
Turnip recalled, as we left the combat zone, Tyke issued us with these fantastic cigars to smoke, but before we could light up and forget and maybe forgive the world and the demands he'd made of us, I heard Puerto Rico Paul scream,
"Look! down there! It's Indiana Jenkins! We've got to save him!"
Turnip added, below me there was a clearing in the forest, and in this field we could see Indy bravely running for his life as the hundreds of pigs chased him.
It was a bit like the scene in Platoon where Sergeant Elias's chest was fired at by NVA troops. How Indy had survived this point I had no idea. I screamed at Tyke,
There's a man left behind! Take the chopper down now!
Tyke coolly replied in a no-nonsense military style, "Roger that JT, Black Hawk down", and maneuvered the chopper to a better angle to land, before grinning cheekily and saying, "I'll take you right into the danger zone".
Meanwhile, Big Tony had manned the helicopter's machine gun, and with a cigar in his mouth, he began bellowing as he let rip into the pigs.
"Eat lead you motherless sons of bitches!"
Tony was like a man possessed, but for every pig he felt, five others would appear in his place.
As the swine slowly culled up with Indy, the poor sod just fell to his knees, held his arms skyward in a futile plea for help.
There was a terrible cacophony of squealing and grunting as Indy's final adventure came to an end. Puerto Rico screamed, "No!"
And none of us could look, as Indy was eaten alive by the pigs. I just sighed, Abort Tyke, abort.
Turnip revealed that as Tom Cruise flew the helicopter back to Abagaveni, the three friends sat in silence as they tried to come to grips with the events of the last few days.
Turnip said, We all just gazed moodily out of the chopper like men who had seen some serious action tend to.
Puerto Rico Paul tried to give voice to our emotions when he solemnly quoted the main guy in platoon and said,
"I think now looking back, we do not fight the enemy, we fought ourselves, and the enemy was in us. The war is over for me now."
I could see Big Tony's nostrils flaring before he slapped Puerto Rico Paul around the head and warned,
"Behave you pathetic ponce". At the same time, in a sudden moment of clarity, I was no longer a semi-professional long distance runner,
I was a semi-professional paranormal investigator, and my true trials had yet to begin.
Tat in the box, tat in the box, tat in the box, tat in the box, tat in the box, tat in the box, tat in the box, tat in the box, tat in the box.
I got my claps right! You were sabotaging me, actively sabotaging me.
I did not clap at all. What are you on about? You just keep getting them wrong every week.
No! This room is not that echo-y. Everyone's going to know that those tiny background claps are from your little man hands.
I didn't do anything. I've just been sat here listening to you like I do every single week. I don't know what you're talking about.
You just try and ruin my mood.
Editing last week, you were so happy. You got it perfect. I could have been adding some claps all this time. I've got to remember.
No one would know. I keep getting them wrong. I could have been throwing one in here and there.
You're such a git. It's a good job I like you.
I'm just jealous you can sing and enjoy singing.
I don't know about either of those two things, but okay.
It's such a heavy tat box this week.
Oh no! Is it just ginormous?
It's weighing down. 4That's what they all say.
The box is the same size it always is to be fair.
Oh my item. It's cut like... Anyway, you'll find out.
Okay. Shall I close my eyes and hold my hands out?
Yes, please.
Okay. Hang on. Let me turn so I don't hit the microphone-ary.
Okay. Please be gentle.
It's quite delicate. Actually, I might need to guide your hands.
Actually, you might need to hold on to that. There you go.
You're going to know what it is immediately.
I think I do.
You haven't moved your hands at all.
I literally haven't moved my fingers or anything.
From that, you'll know what colour it is as well.
I didn't want to know what it was immediately.
I'm trying so hard to be like, don't guess immediately.
From just holding the base of it so it doesn't fall off your hand, you guessed it.
My thumb is on a nubbin.
That's enough. There's nothing else like it. It's too obvious from touch.
It's plastic. Again, I still haven't moved my hands.
You have to play along. You know exactly what it is.
Is it black?
You have to guess.
Is it predominantly black?
I can't give you any clues.
Is there a steering wheel and a pedal on it?
No.
Oh! It's not what I thought it might be, but now I know what it is.
I had to move one hand.
I thought you'd guess it immediately from the nubbin.
No, when you put it in my hands I thought it was one of those PlayStation steering wheel pedals.
I've worked out what you thought the steering wheel was now.
So, it's la...
I'm rubbing my hands up the entire length of it. It's very knobbly bobbly.
It's very knobbly bobbly.
A:I don't know how you make it sound rude every episode K I don't have to sound rude every episode?
A: HOW do you make this sound rude?
How do I make it sound rude every episode?
OK, so it's wider at the base. It has a flared base, ladies and gentlemen, for safety.
It has a nice, relatively straight angle at the back and a slightly...
...Yeah.
You can just say exactly what it is.
It's a Dalek.
You even guessed the colour right when you thought it was something wrong.
Even when I thought it was something wrong.
Can I open my eyes now?
I'll pop it on...