I think maybe I should just look at upgrading my laptop to be honest.
I need to upgrade myself.
I don't think this is best suited for podage.
It's fine, it's just me interacting with technology.
I'm the weak link in the chain here.
Jesus Christ.
This is Lightly Used with Adam and Karen.
Welcome to episode number 10.
Yes, number 10 of Lightly Used with me, Adam.
And I'm Karen.
Only for today.
The big one and the other episode.
Oh, yeah, are we counting Internet Tales as an official episode
or is it like an interim extra?
Well, if we're calling this episode 10.
I guess it's an extra.
Bonus content for all of you, turnip tales.
Hello. Welcome to Lightly Used.
Hi.
We're a podcast loosely based around our favourite finds from charity shops.
We are indeed.
And I do love a good rummage in a dusty box.
Speaking of dusty bins.
Oh, God, yeah, that awful thing you found.
We've both got some entries going forward on Taptrove's Tat of the Year.
Yeah, we have. Quite proud of ourselves, actually.
Thank you, everyone who voted at Taptrove on Twitter.
We'll put a link in the blog.
LightlyUsed.co.uk.
So, yeah, my entry was, well, Taptrove dubbed it Dusty Bins Country Cuzz.
Yeah, well played.
It's like Stig's South African cousin or something.
Like, yeah, so Dusty Bins Country Cuzz.
That's the official name there that's going forward into Tat of the Year.
Thank you very much for your vote.
I'm looking forward to see how the competition rolls out.
What was your entry in Taptrove?
My entry into the Taptrove was that awful statue that Jackson found
that I really shouldn't say this.
And there's only one person I know that will listen to this and find it really funny.
But kind of looks how I would imagine my ex-mother-in-law without any clothes on.
I know that's not very politically correct, but that's what I thought when I saw it.
So I'm really sorry to that person who will never hear this episode.
But yeah, so there's a naked figurine against a very furry bin.
So we'll see what plays out between the two of us.
No comment at all on your item.
I think you've summed it up.
I don't know who you're talking about.
I'll have to show you a photo.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't drag me into this.
Don't make me a complice.
Yeah, I suppose I shouldn't make you...
I'm an innocent bystander in all this.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ignorance is bliss.
Yeah, fair enough.
Relieve me out of it.
We've reposted some photos on the blog, lightlyused.co.uk.
And what an epic segue.
We're part of the Studio Channel 84 network.
Let's drag them into this too.
We've done a variety show.
Ross and Simon at Socks.
The Untitled Trek show.
And yeah, Ross and Simon who do, who takes the socks off.
And we met up with all of them.
Sans Ross.
Yeah, we did Sans Ross, you lousy boy.
Last month now, would you hear this?
Maybe the month before.
It was the week before Halloween.
The middle of October, we met up with them.
So Christ knows how long it's going to be when this comes out.
Our recording schedule is terrible.
By the time you hear this, it was probably a month ago.
We met up with the Channel 84 crew for the Cheap Show Live at the Cheerful Earful podcast.
Hello Paul, hello Eli, hello Ash, hello...
Suze.
Oh no!
Ethan Lawrence.
Damn it!
Ethan Lawrence.
I was going to say Ethan first.
But then Ash came out and went, oh no, my brain's gone in the wrong order!
Damn it.
There was a horrible pause there as well.
It was such a good show.
We laughed so much.
And we met some amazing people who we've been connected to via the social media networks of the world.
Welcome to our parasocial pod squad.
Yes, officially the parasocial pod squad.
Leighton J.
Yep.
Merton Cartman from A Pint of Cthulhu.
Nicky Crafty-Cornfield.
The amazing Cliff from Under Consolation podcast as well.
Who I have to say is an absolute gent and hilarious.
We were all the naughty boys at the back of the bus.
Yes, and I felt...
Lovely crisps.
Do you know, one of the best parts about that day for me was I felt like I was out with my harem of men.
Because I was that only girl and I was surrounded by all of these amazing blokes who just make me absolutely wet myself with laughter on the regular.
It was just, it was pure delight for me.
I enjoyed every second of it.
And everyone who had a brownie enjoyed those too.
We'll certainly be listening to that A Pint of Cthulhu episode very shortly.
Yes, we will.
I'm up to date now.
No spoilers for me this time.
I'm going to have to be editing and rewinding bits in there and changing the pitch so people can't quite hear it easily.
No, fast forward in.
No, I'll be a good boy this time, I promise.
Awesome, awesome to meet you and links to all the social media handles.
Once again, we'll be on the blog for this episode.
On the way there we did have a story as well.
Well, you saw something very special.
Oh my god!
I completely forgot about that.
What caught your eye in the car park, Karen?
Do you remember what service station it was?
It's probably best we don't mention.
They might lose some business.
It was the one before Membrie.
I know that much.
So Adam and I parked up to do the things you normally do at a service station.
You empty your bladder, you fill your stomach.
And whilst we were stood outside just enjoying the fresh air,
a gentleman walked past us into the very sparsely populated treed area,
just off the grass, directly next to the car park.
And I didn't pay an awful lot of attention to him to begin with.
I was oblivious.
You were oblivious.
You were in your own little world imagining your own things.
I don't know what they were.
Tyrannosaurus rex is eating...
Monkey-crashing symbols again.
Ah, yeah, sorry.
So there we are having a nice little chat.
And I turn around and I shit you not, this guy...
Nice choice of words.
No, no, nice choice of words.
Sorry.
I shit you not, this guy dropped his trousers, arse out...
Arse out, stood completely oblivious to anyone around him having a wee.
And I was like...
So shocked.
I turned around to Adam and went,
that man's got his arse out.
And I said it probably too loud because he sort of looked in my direction.
And I am naturally quite a noisy speaker.
I'm quite loud.
My volume is quite high.
And I was always called a foghorn as a child.
But I was like...
The audacity.
Even now, rethinking about it, I'm still...
The literal bare-faced cheek.
Yeah, I know.
Literally.
Like I've never seen so much crack in the sunshine in my life.
I mean, what little sun there was bouncing off his...
Suns out, buns out.
I know, it was bouncing off his arse.
And he was there for so long.
I think he'd got to the point where he was like,
I can't walk past them because she's just noticed me with my arse out.
So he sort of loitered in the trees while we were loitered by the car.
And neither of us really knew who to move first.
And I was just like,
why would you pull your trousers all the way down just for a wee?
I'm really hoping you couldn't make the 50 extra steps to the toilet.
That's the only acceptable excuse.
He was at a service station.
There were so many toilets in a service station.
He could have gone and used a cubicle, but no, he used the...
Dignity man.
He used the very sparsely populated area of trees
to get his entire lower half of his body out just to have a wee.
I'm so sorry.
I had to share this and I've totally forgotten about it.
And I'm so glad Adam's reminded me, but oh, Jesus.
How could I forget?
What a sight.
Oh, that man.
I can't even remember which one of us walked away first now.
I think it might have been him.
I think he did literally did a walk of shame past us and then he head down.
I think by then it was, yeah, out of principle,
we're going to stay here and really take our time having a cigarette.
Yeah, so I can smoke this as clever as I can.
I'm so sorry.
That's totally broken me again.
Well, outside the pub and after the show again,
I was standing outside the pub, missed a bit of conversation leading up to this.
The only discernible bit I heard of the several conversations going on was
if boobs had corners.
Excuse me.
What could the possible context be?
If boobs had corners.
Someone really into Minecraft, maybe Lego.
I don't know.
But I mean, if boobs did have corners,
it seems to take the fun out of it.
Yeah, they wouldn't be anywhere near as fun to hold on to.
Some origami pervert out there.
I bet there's some AI porn with square boobs.
Suggestions on a postcard.
What context if boobs had corners?
Pod at likelyuse.co.uk.
I do have a correction.
My last last last last episode, seven, Tango Hall.
And I said the phone number was almost subliminally on the screen.
When I was researching to find the ads to put on the blog,
it was on there a lot longer.
There was also a variant where the ad said check packs for details.
So as you suggested, was it something from the packs?
It looks like it was.
You lied. You lied to all of our five listeners.
Maybe three.
Somebody might have paused and gone back.
I don't think Ross listens to us, so it's definitely three.
I can't say I blame him.
Also, we also joked about wearing a vacuum pack for weight loss.
You were right.
Sucking air out of your body won't make a difference.
It's about 0.01 percent of your mass.
Yay me, I did a thing.
I'm purely cosmetic.
Last thing. When we got home, I can't remember how we got onto it.
What's the difference between a snout and a trunk?
Oh yeah, we were like, when does a snout become a trunk and vice versa?
Have you found out?
No, no, no. I didn't bother researching that.
That takes the fun out of it.
So yeah, answers on our soon to be developed Blue Sky profile,
which I'll share links for at some point in the next seven days,
which hopefully you'll have seen by the time this comes out.
Yeah, I didn't research it, but we came up with suggestions.
Possibly it's due to length.
Yeah.
Or it could just be a packet.
Moveability.
Prehensileness.
Yeah, that's a really good word.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
How prehensile is it?
Is it just a peck of doom thing? Who knows?
Do anteaters have trunks or snouts?
I think that's a snout.
What about an aardvark?
Oh, apologies.
Ghosts.
The last aardvark just fell over.
Oh my God, speaking of ghosts.
Total random.
Before we went to this, the weekend.
Total, total random.
Thank you, Gremlin.
Gravity.
Ghost, gravity, whatever's living in my flat.
So before we went, was it before we went to London?
Yeah, it was that weekend because I asked Jackson.
Oh yeah, if you find it, will you put it somewhere?
He's been hired.
So Adam has got a lovely Clipper lighter.
It is bright orange with a blue and yellow band across the middle
and really nice black letters that says Dickhead.
Now, Adam and I like to find a fun Clipper.
It's just something that we do.
Or I don't know if Adam's developed the habit
because I buy him one every time I buy myself one.
You're a terrible influence.
I am a bad influence.
But anyway, the weekend, a couple of days before we went to London,
Adam lost this lighter in my flat and we looked for it.
We pulled the sofas apart.
We moved stuff about.
I'd had it the night before.
I'd lit a cigarette with it, went to bed, came back the next morning.
Couldn't find it.
Obviously, I must have used it at some point and put it down.
But other than putting it down where I'd sat in the same place of recording now,
it had disappeared into the ether.
As you said, we searched.
We pulled all the cushions off.
We stuck our hands down the sofa, pulling out all this various fluffs and crumbs.
Concerted effort.
No money, unfortunately.
Lots of fluff and crumbs.
But yeah, we made a real concerted effort to find this lighter.
We just couldn't see it anywhere.
So Jackson was staying at the flat to look after Kiara for the weekend
because obviously he can't leave her on her own.
She's a princess and also she's an animal.
And it'd be like leaving a five-year-old alone in a flat and that would be illegal.
Kiara's an incredibly hairy cat.
Oh my God, she's so hairy.
Yeah, if you do hear a snoring, I'm really sorry.
So we asked Jackson, can you keep an eye out for this lighter?
If you see it, can you just put it on the side next to the sofa?
So Adam, can I have it back?
Anyway, Jackson didn't find the lighter.
It's been a couple of weeks.
I'd completely forgotten about the lighter, hadn't even thought about it,
not seen it, not touched it, assumed the cat had hidden it somewhere.
And what happened today?
I was up at stupid o'clock this morning because I couldn't sleep
and sat down in the lounge on the tray next to me.
Oh, there's the lighter.
I'll have to remember to thank Karen for finding it for me.
And you did, and what happened then?
I didn't find it.
No, I genuinely, I don't care if people believe me or not,
this is a bit like Bifo and Sanja here in the big cat
when they went out to do the Halloween video.
Check out the latest Didgy video.
Yeah, check out the latest Didgy video.
It's actually really worth a good watch.
I genuinely did not find this lighter.
I haven't touched it.
I haven't seen it.
I'd completely forgotten about it.
And Adam's like, oh, cheers for finding this.
And I'm like, that wasn't me.
Out of nowhere, it reappeared on that tray of its own accord seemingly.
Clearly it didn't.
I mean, either the cat put it there or a ghost did.
And I know we've talked about this and joked about this before.
And I've said, I was convinced my flat was haunted for ages.
And you debunked it as the seagulls on the roof.
That's a big seagull.
Yeah, very big seagulls.
Also not a very thick roof.
And I totally go for that.
I explain all of the noises away to the seagulls,
especially like the running noises, because they run to take off
and they run when they land with their noisy twats.
But I do not know where this lighter was or where it came from
or why it was even put back on the tray.
But thank you to whichever power that thought that that was a nice idea,
because it is genuinely appreciated.
I definitely do.
There'll be a lovely photo on the blog as well.
There will, yes.
Your dickhead will be all over the internet.
Phrasing.
Oh yeah, I didn't even think about that.
Can I do a shout out before we go on to our actual programmed sections?
I know this intro is super, super long.
I know it's looking way to raise money on the show for the last episode.
No, no.
OnlyFans apparently is the only way to make any money.
I need to give the wonderful Gareth Gwynn the shout out.
Oh, my old flatmate and celebrity.
That's for what?
Now podcaster, comedian, writer, excellent man.
Genius, yeah, yeah.
I need to say thank you to him, because we had a lovely conversation
in my Twitter DMs last week, because I'd put a post on Twitter
because I was shocked by a podcast that I've become quite fond of,
an American podcast.
They've got adverts.
They're a big podcast.
They do live shows.
I'm not going to say who they are.
No pod nod from you this week.
No pod nod from me.
They don't need one.
They've got enough fans.
I'll give a pod nod to Gareth pod.
Yeah.
What have they called themselves now?
I was going to say.
After Zenniel Day.
I'm so over it.
That's it.
I'm so over it.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Anyway, thank you, Gareth,
because I put this post up because I was shocked.
This podcast, they've recently changed how they do their adverts,
and they've started performing them during their podcast
as opposed to inserting them as ad breaks.
And normally with inserted ad breaks,
I can just find the fast forward button quick enough to just skip through them,
so I don't normally listen to ads.
But because they were performing them, I didn't really register
because I was typing away at my desk writing an email.
But they were doing a gambling ad, and I was really taken aback.
I was really shocked.
What are the odds?
No.
The odds of me being shocked or the odds of them doing a gambling ad.
I mean, they're being paid for it.
Good for them, whatever.
But I personally disagree with gambling adverts,
just like I disagree with alcohol adverts.
We ban cigarette advertising because it's all bad for your health.
Why can't we do the same?
You can't even have good livery in Formula One anymore.
No, I know.
God, honestly, no Marlbrookars these days.
But anyway, Gareth Gwynn saw this post,
and thank you for following me. I appreciate it.
And he sent me a lovely message asking if I, because they do adverts now,
if I'd ever noticed a gambling advert pop up in their episodes since they've changed.
And I said no.
And he said, thank you for highlighting this.
And he went to the people that organise the ads that get inserted into the episodes.
And you can request certain types of ads not to be played.
Oh, fair play.
So he's gone to them and said, we do not want any gambling ads inserted into our podcast.
Said who's a nice chap, didn't I?
Yeah, you did. Annie is. He's lovely.
So thank you, Gareth. And thank you...
Esselst.
Yeah, thank you, Esselst as well for continuing your amazing pod
and for being so conscientious.
I knew I got the name wrong.
I was hoping I could quickly check when you were talking.
Then I come back for the name, but you put me on the spot.
What's it called?
I'm so not over it.
I knew I would get it wrong.
So not over it.
That's why I wanted to check.
I thought I'd have five seconds.
I can press a button and come back.
There we go. Sound professional.
Ah, no!
So...
Formerly the Zeniel Dome.
That's correct.
So that I'm so not over it podcast.
But yeah, great guys. Really funny pod.
They've done some amazing interviews recently that I've really enjoyed.
So thank you, Gareth.
Pod nod for the...
I was going to say pod nod for the week and I've just spoiled into that segment.
Pod nod for the episode.
Link once again in the blog.
That's a really long intro.
It's time again for lightly used news.
Huzzah!
Abba Goveni Man's wild boar hunt ends badly.
From Tim Butters at the Abba Goveni Chronicle on Monday the 29th of April 2024.
A wild boar.
An Abba Goveni man has urged people not to go on any wild boar hunts in the Forest of Dean
after he and his two friends were nearly eaten by a crazed pig creature.
Semi-professional, long distance runner Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle that he
and a couple of mates had decided to go on an illegal hunting expedition in the forest
to get their heads straight.
After a couple of days had left them questioning reality.
Turnip explained,
Me, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul had a bit of a loose end after adventures in the Abba Goveni tunnels.
In hindsight we were probably overdue for some serious therapy.
But we've also had a head down brassied out mentality.
So Puerto Rico Paul went back to hawking his Simon Le Bon tribute actor
and the pubs and clubs of Bondmouthshire.
Big Tony went back there digging ditches
and I returned to the job centre to pretend I'd been actively seeking work instead of saving the world.
Except for a few blinding hangovers
and in Puerto Rico Paul's case the sudden onset of a personality disorder
the lads began to quietly settle into domicis...
Sorry, Tony put you off there.
The lads began to quietly settle back into domicistasy.
Dom-a-wha-tasy?
Domesticity.
Yet according to Turnip, early last week Big Tony announced to his friends
he had to get out of town in a hurry
under the fanciest spot of wild boar hunting in the Forest of Dean.
Turnip explained,
It was a Monday evening, all of a sudden Big Tony screeched to a halt outside my flat in his bed for Draskill.
Me and Puerto Rico Paul were in day two of our Game of Thrones marathon
so when the big man knocked on the door we pretended we weren't in.
Yet he was persistent
and had no choice but to carefully place my half-eaten pork rib in a pint of lard
that's let it marinate and open the door to my man cave.
Turnip explained that one look at the deathly pallor of his old mate
and he knew something was seriously wrong.
Big Tony just looked at me and said
I need to get out of town and lay low for a while JT. I've messed up.
Turnip added,
It takes a lot to outrattle Big Tony.
He sort of strides through life like a colossus
indifferent and unconcerned to the carnage he leaves in his wake.
So when he tells you he's messed up
you know it's wise to ask no questions.
I just bellowed at Puerto Rico Paul to pause the swords and sex action
and invited Torn-In.
Turnip revealed that after Big Tony had downed a four-pack
and eaten the best part of a whole crispy duck
he asked his friends to accompany him to the forest for a few days on a wild boar hunt.
Nice.
Turnip said,
At first Puerto Rico Paul moaned at tickets to the circus on the weekend
and he wasn't about to give up the thrills and spills of the big top to go and kill some pig.
However, I gave him a stern look and said,
Our friend needs this Paul. We need this.
This isn't the time for clowns and trapeze artists.
This is the time for men to be men.
Let's go bond in the woods and kill some animals.
Turnip added,
We were all soon shouting,
Hell yeah!
giving each other high fives and bear hugs.
But in all the excitement we forgot that Big Tony wanted to leave ASAP
and none of us had any camping gear, equipment or guns or beer.
Torn said,
Don't worry about that fellas.
My van's loaded up with necessary.
But trust me, we need to move fast.
The Welsh water's already on their way to the site.
Oh God!
Puerto Rico Paul then mused,
Hang on a minute.
I thought you were in the middle of a groundworks job at Brecon Road.
How come you've finished so early?
Ask no questions and receive no fists to your face.
Not to Big Tony.
As yes, shit us all out of the flat and into the rascal.
Turnip recalled,
The speeding down the road to make it to the forest before nightfall,
Puerto Rico Paul began rummaging through Big Tony's CD collection.
It was mostly ACDC but there was an awkward moment when he came across the greatest hits of ABBA.
Waved it accusingly in Tony's face.
I thought you were going to say Rick Astley or something.
Torn turned the thunderous shade of crimson but he kept his hands gripped on the wheel
and with his eyes on the road he softly said with an unmistakable edge,
It belongs to the ex-misses.
Paul wasn't having any of that but he began singing in a capped voice,
Jickety-ta, tell me what's wrong.
But before you can get any further,
Big Tony roared like a bear that's been prodded with a sharp stick.
I got Paul in a stranglehold and began to choke the life out of him.
I quickly grabbed the wheel and screamed,
For Christ's sake, will you two muppets behave?
Where do you think pigs not throttle one another?
Eventually, Big Tony released his grip on Puerto Rico Paul
and would go on a strange shade of blue and took the wheel back from me.
Knowing that a humble apology wasn't in either Big Tony or Puerto Rico Paul's toolkit,
I put ACDC's backing black on
and although they initially tried to fight the urge to rock out like a bad bitch,
by the time Brian Johnston was screeching,
Cut loose from the noose!
They had their arms...
Do it again!
They had their arms dripped round one another's shoulders
and were head-banging furiously.
You'll have to play it back when you listen.
Aww.
Wounds had been healed without any words needed to be said.
It was our way and a good omen.
Or so I thought, until I saw the white deer that made a sphere off the road
and crashed spectacularly into the woods.
Fuuuck.
To be continued.
Nooooo!
Not on a new story arc!
It's time for...
Tatt in the box, tatt in the box,
tatt in the box, tatt in the box,
tatt in the box, tatt in the box, tatt in the box,
tatt in the box!
I think I missed a clap out there.
Sorry, I was giggling.
I made you do that because I'm going to interrupt you.
We're not doing Tatt in the Box just yet.
Are we not?
It's your birthday.
By the time you've heard this, you'll have...
I will have turned...
an age!
...four...
...these...
...four.
So the first one I will give you is the present you asked for.
Ooh, yay!
So you kind of know what you're getting here.
I've got my eyes closed because you're turning your laptop round.
Are they definitely closed?
They are. My hands are over my eyes and my eyes are closed.
Just as well because the screen switched off despite me wedging it open with a lighter.
Needed a bigger wedge.
That's what she said.
Happy birthday!
Oh my god!
I love it!
Ooh, I've never looked so sexy.
Oh, thank you, Spunk Rock.
Thank you.
You're very, very welcome.
Oh my god, I love it.
So because this is an audio format,
Adam has had a portrait of me commissioned by the wonderful artist Spunk Rock,
who actually was introduced to my knowledge by Cheap Show
because Paul Gannon really likes their work.
You can see why.
It's fantastic!
I love it.
So I took about a thousand photos of myself
with subtle sexy lighting in my nice purple underwear
and sent them to Adam and we sort of like
we'd all them down to like three to choose from.
And I let you choose which picture.
And it's in front of me and I genuinely love it.
I wish I looked actually like that because that's really sexy.
Spunk Rock is an amazingly talented artist.
I don't mind if you want to put this on the website in the part of the blog.
I don't mind because it's so cool.
And you get to see Karen's birthday present in the blog.
I love it.
Oh my god, thank you so much.
You're very welcome.
It's brilliant.
I'm blown away by that.
Thank you.
Many happy returns.
Oh my god, I love that so much.
Genuinely.
OK, so the rules are close your eyes, hands out.
Time to caress and guess.
Oh, I do love a good feel.
As long as it's not, you know,
I think something's going to freak me out.
I still get nerves.
And sit back, keep a little bit further away from the mic.
So I don't hit the mic.
Actually, you can open your eyes straight away.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
It's a stripey bag.
It's something you didn't ask for for your birthday.
Happy birthday, love Adam.
And three kisses.
You're so sweet.
Thank you.
What is it?
Oh, there's paper in here.
Do I look at the paper first?
Oh, that's the envelope you asked for.
Oh, that's the A4 envelope I asked for.
Thank you very much.
Just an A4 envelope.
Look, this is in a Morrison's bag.
And the last thing you gave me in a Morrison's bag freaked me out.
Hopefully it won't be so bad this time.
Are you sure?
Hopefully.
I've got nerves.
It's meant to be a special occasion.
OK.
Oh, it feels weird.
OK, right.
I'm going to take it out of the bag.
Sorry for the noise.
It looks pink through the Morrison's bag.
Let's have a look.
Oh, oh, is it a bag in a bag in a bag?
It's a bag in a bag.
Oh, my God.
Oh, this is really cute.
It's comers.
Oh, wow.
I like the side.
It's all laced up like a boot would be.
I know you like your Chuck Taylors.
Yeah, I love Chuck Taylors.
And it's got a fucking converse soul with an all star on the back of it.
It's red.
It's a little shoulder bag or a crossbody bag.
Oh, also inside there's another very, very gentle.
It's not alive, is it?
No, no, no, no.
I've noticed yesterday when I was a couple of days ago and putting it in there, there's a damaged area.
You might need to use a bit seam stressing skills.
OK.
I should do this for the microphone.
Oh, that's satisfying.
That's a nice quality zip.
Oh, no.
No way.
Did you have this all this time?
I went back a couple of weeks later.
It was still leather.
It's a sign.
That's where it went.
And I said it was gone as well.
I said nothing.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
You're going to have to mess with these levels so much.
Otherwise, I'm going to be bursting people's eardrums.
But people, it has returned.
Featured.
The really sad duck, the sad looking duck from the YMCA in Schleslie.
Oh, he shakes.
He wobbles.
I think it might have made a weird noise at some point.
I think it might have been one of those like cow tippy things.
Yeah.
Oh, it feels like that.
I think it might have made a quacky noise or something.
Oh, my God.
I love him.
Thank you.
It looks like a ginger Orville.
Yeah, it is.
It's a really sad looking ginger Orville.
You might need to use a bit of stitching on the foot.
Oh, yeah.
His little leg needs gluing back in.
Bless him.
Oh, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
And I love the bag as well.
Oh, my God.
You couldn't have done any better.
It's amazing.
I'm going to sit the little sad duck in the bed between me and him for the rest of the
evening.
I had to keep the price tag on there because it's got his name on it.
He's no sad looking duck.
He was two pounds for anybody who wants to know, but he is the sad looking duck.
No expense spared.
And I adore him.
We've already got photos of him on Twitter and on Instagram, but we'll do a refresher.
Refresh your memory.
Yeah.
Oh, thank you so much.
Do you want the actual tat in the box?
Yeah, give me that actual tat in the box.
It's not going to be anywhere near as like dynamic as this, is it?
No.
Oh, thank you.
You're very welcome.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
In advance or in the past, depending on when you're listening.
Past, present and future Karen.
Future for us, past for you.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
Right.
Get your shit out.
Eyes closed first.
Eyes are closed.
Hands together.
So I've got somewhere to place the items.
Oh, like.
There you go.
Open like a book.
Perfect size.
They are my hands are together and it opened like a book as if we were playing charades.
I nearly opened my eyes then.
Sorry.
I raised my eyebrows too far.
Actually, this is also a present, but it is the actual tat.
It feels plasticky.
There's a sticker.
Careful.
If you move your hand, I'm guiding your fingers to the top.
It does come out of the sleeve.
Aha.
So you want to turn it up, play down into it.
It's a plastic sleeve for those of you who are listening.
It's like got that like crimped edge that plastic gets.
I'm assuming it's clear.
My eyes are still closed.
The contents feels papery.
We're still going to be finding out with Karen can tell colours of objects using her hands.
Is this an ordinate survey map?
No.
OK.
That was my first initial guess.
I've removed the paper object from the plastic sleeve.
Actually, the answer is on the cover.
I'll leave that on display for you.
It feels like all that is that the cover or is that I can't say is that part of it that's come away.
These are individual items inside the sleeve.
Oh, oh, are they first day covers?
Are they stamps?
Yes.
Cool.
Monaco first day covers 1966 to 1998, two pounds the lot.
I got these from Tom's dad's shop.
No way.
Thank you, Tom and Tom's parents.
By the way, Tom, you still know how you still haven't told me how to send your mum 35 pounds for the item that I want.
So please sort that out.
Thank you.
I've got the address for the shop so we can put it in the envelope.
I was going to say I don't think they'll accept a check.
Postal orders. What does it call when the bank gives it to you?
Bankers draft.
Yeah, bankers draft.
Yeah, from Tom's family antique shop when we were in Singin' Down albums two weeks ago.
Now, Tom of Channel 84 fame, of which we are a member of the Studio Channel 84 network.
We are indeed.
We love you, gentlemen.
I was going to say these normally have like a bit of information on the inside, but these don't.
These are so cool.
Oh, honourable mention.
Sorry, I was trying to read my own writing for a second.
That's all right. I figured that's what you were doing.
It's something that I meant to feature on the show a few weeks ago.
Oh, right.
I didn't have time to.
OK. I thought that said Gary Baldy then, but it says Grimaldi.
Half man, half biscuit.
Francois Grimaldi dit Milizia.
My niece's birthday came, went before I could use it on the show.
So honourable mention.
Oh, yeah, you told me about that.
To the tiny Henry Hoover I meant to use.
Photos will be on the blog once again.
Yeah, we love a Henry.
These are awesome.
I remember you mentioned that you like stamps.
Yeah, I was a bit of a sad child and I collected stamps.
I can't remember what the word for a stamp collector is.
Philatelist?
Something like that.
And I had loads and I was part of a pen pal club and had asterisk limited edition stamps and things.
I don't know where they are now.
They're definitely not here.
But yeah, I had loads of stamps for years and years and years.
And these are so cool.
And the Principality of Monaco is a pretty cool place.
It really is.
There is a Grand Prix one in here as well.
They're awesome.
All the small envelopes with the official stamps on the premier jour de mission, which is a first day cover.
There's quite a few.
It was probably fifteen or something like that.
I haven't actually counted.
They're all different.
They've all got the Monaco stamp on to make them official first day covers.
And that's got the release date on.
The first one is dated the 1st of February 1966.
And there's a December 96.
That's the Monaco Grand Prix.
That's pretty cool.
They've got Formula One car there and some sort of rally car.
Yeah, I'm not very good with cars.
I'm going to guess that's a Lancia.
We'll have a quick look.
Adam's going to do his thing.
Actually, I need my glasses on.
I might be a Ford Escort.
Oh my God, are you going blind?
Yes, I've got glaucoma.
Oh yeah, I keep forgetting about that.
Yeah, that's a Ford Escort Cosworth.
Is that second or third?
Second.
There we go.
Yeah, these are amazing.
Thank you so much.
These are a really cool little collection.
I'm going to treasure these.
I might frame them.
But having said that, there are already lots of frames in this flat that need to be placed on walls
as Jackson politely reminds me frequently.
So this is a project to be done, but they're awesome.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
And thank you, Mr and Mrs James, for hanging onto these
and treasuring them in your shop.
Excellent antique shop in St Albans.
Oh my God, yeah, if you ever get a chance to go, please do.
I could literally spend hours there.
I was really sad that we were only there for about 15 to 20 minutes.
But I did get to fuss a little white kitten and that was very cute.
James's of St Albans.
Yep.
And we've got some awesome items.
And I think they've had that shop for 70 or 90 years, something like that's what I'm saying.
Like his parents are like the second or third generation to run it.
Right, my turn.
Oh, God, yeah, you've got to feel my shit as well.
Freezing.
Yeah, right.
Got your eyes closed?
Yeah, eyes closed, hands out.
You can actually open your eyes for a second.
Disclaimer.
You will immediately know what type of item this is as soon as I put it in your hands.
So to say, oh, it's this doesn't score you a point.
Doesn't cap the mustard.
Because anyone who's ever held one of these things would know what type of thing it is.
But it is what is included as part of the type of thing that it is that makes it special and why I've included it in my tap.
OK, OK, I'm trying not to be too smutty.
All right.
Close your eyes.
Hold your hands out.
They're perfect.
Mine's gone to the toilet straight away.
I'm going to do this silently, otherwise that'll give it away as well.
Right.
That's so noisy.
And they are in your hand.
Oh.
OK, right.
So it's a mug of some kind.
It is a mug.
Very thin.
Yeah.
It's definitely more of a tea mug than a coffee mug.
Yeah, I would agree with you there.
It's got a slightly fluted top.
Is it a Charles and Diana commemorative?
It is not.
I would never, ever.
I thought there's a particularly unflattering likeness.
That would be very funny.
If I found something that was really awful, then maybe just for a giggle.
Is this your license?
I mean, if you were to guess what was on this, I would be incredibly amazed.
But I'm not going to force you to.
So feel free to open your eyes and look whenever you like.
Oh, that's not far from here.
It's really not.
It's now.
Oh, I can't remember the name of the plant.
Inca?
Is that something?
It's a manufacturing space.
But it's to commemorate the 50th anniversary of the Walker's Crisps Swansea plant.
Yes, indeed.
On Forestfark, Carmarthen Road?
Yeah, Carmarthen Road, the far end of it in Forestfark, yeah.
And yeah, I remember there used to be Smiths when I was a child.
It did. Stop giving away my facts.
Ah!
Is there one fact?
I live there.
Stop being a clever tosser.
I used to live in Gowddon.
I lived there for decades.
Yeah, so not far from Tesco.
That's true. It's directly opposite Tesco.
So this is, as you have said, a commemorative mug for the 50th anniversary of the Swansea Walker's plant.
1948 to 1998.
One of the finest vintages.
And it was one pound from the Barnardo's Park Towie.
And these actually were a pair.
So I have another one.
So this is for you if you would like to add it to your collection of mugs.
Absolutely. This one features the orange...
Stop giving away my facts!
I should have been describing it.
So naughty!
So anyway, yes, shut up Adam.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'll shut up now.
That's your one pound present because that's how much I care.
So the mug itself is a white bone china mug.
And it's featuring Chester the Cheetah from Cheetos.
Actually Cheetos did used to be produced in the UK, not just America.
And also the orange monster from Monster Munch, which apparently represents giant prawn and pickled onion flavours.
I was on two packs at some point.
Yeah, I don't... I mean, I guess that's true, but it doesn't mean anything to me.
Side note, the monsters originally from the 1980s, they got a revamp in 1995.
And apparently there was a vanilla ice cream monster that was all melty with a cherry on its head.
But I do not remember it.
I remember the flavour. I don't remember the monster.
Yeah, so I did a bit of googling and this thing actually does exist.
There are people selling empty packets of things with that monster on eBay.
If you really want to go and buy some packaging from the 1990s, if you really want to.
You can capitalize on some merch with that on there.
Yeah, maybe.
Remember this creak?
It's not my cup of tea. Ha ha ha.
We'll have to bring the flavour back.
So, speaking of flavours, what's your favourite flavour, Monster Munch?
Roast beef. Pink monster.
My flavour of choice used to be pickled onion.
Used to be?
Used to be. But since I've turned into an old lady and things like pickled onion make me literally suck my gums off my teeth.
I've changed my mind and I really quite like the flaming hot ones. And I know that's controversial.
They've changed the flavour. They used to be a lot nicer.
Yeah, they did. And in fairness, I've not eaten a packet in a really long time because Monster Munch aren't really my go-to for crisps.
So yeah, but flavours awesome. Beef versus flaming hot. I wonder what they taste like combined.
Oh, happy to find out.
Yeah, me too, actually.
Taste test one day.
So a bit of history about the Swansea Walkers plant itself.
The plant opened in 1948 and it was originally Smith's Potato Crisps, as you've spoiled for everybody.
Sorry, I know something from local knowledge.
I know, I know. I'm such a bitch. I'm sorry.
So opening the factory brought significant industry and employment opportunities to the area post-World War II,
which was obviously really important because Swansea did actually get the shit bombed out of it because it was a large dock here and it was quite important.
The factory operated as a crisp and snack producer 58 years in total.
Originally, packers would hand seal the bags of Smith's Potato Crisps with a paintbrush and glue until more modern manufacturing techniques were employed.
And the crisps themselves, a packet of crisps originally, were two pennies a bag.
Can you imagine paying two pence for a bag of crisps now?
By the inflation.
Do you remember when snaps were like 20p a bag? I used to love snaps. Tomato snaps.
It's the new Freddo's index.
Oh yeah, Freddo's really is like the marker of inflation. Fucking ridiculous. Oh dear.
So Smith's were also a really well-paying employer compared to other places locally, even other manufacturers, which were literally across the other side of the road.
And staff members as young as 17 were earning up to £6 a week.
So I went onto the National Archives currency converter and they say £6 in 1989 is worth £16.52 in today's money, which back then would apparently have bought you one stone of wool.
That's a heavy sheep.
Yeah, I mean there were some strange sort of like you could have got this for this, but the only thing you could have got 100% of was the stone of wool.
I think you could have bought like one leg of a horse, but there were a few random like comparators on there.
Good luck making the jumper out of that.
Yeah. So the 1980s sees the walkers take over, which brings Smith's into the giant that everyone knows as PepsiCo, who own pretty much everything these days.
At its peak, the factory produced around 230 tonnes of snacks.
Did I say per week before I started the 230 per week, 230 tonnes approximately anything from Monster Munch to Mr.
Eli Silverman's favourite thing on the planet that he can no longer get hold of cheese moment.
I wonder if cheese moments production ceased in coercion.
No. What's the word? Coincidentally?
No, like at the same time as the factory in Swansea being shut down, maybe Swansea was the only place they produced the cheese moments and they didn't take that manufacturing process to any of their other UK sites.
It coincided with the shutting down.
Yeah, that's the word coincided. Thank you.
I did say coincidentally.
Yeah, you were way closer than I was. I'm talking a perimenopausal brain, I think.
Anyway, so yeah, potentially Swansea is the reason you can no longer get cheese moments.
I cannot confirm or deny that, but it seems to be, as Adam pointed out, coincidental.
Gary Lineker, the wonderful footballer and man with superior ears, visited the Walker's plant during the height of his advertising career for crisps.
And on Friday, the 3rd of March 2006, crisp production ceased abruptly.
Basically, nobody, none of the staff knew. It was just like, yeah, we shut the factory. That's it. It's off.
Everything's done.
So more than 250 people lost their jobs and only 18 of the people who were employed at Swansea opted to be transferred to one of the other UK Walker sites.
Everyone else was basically made redundant.
The plan was Walker's hoped to sell the factory, which was a grade two listed building for around £2 million.
And staff were informed in letters that the cost of maintaining the plant was impossible and therefore closure was unavoidable.
And there is a story online about the employees from Walker's in Swansea receiving a packet of crisps each from Walker's.
And it was reported in places that it was like a thanks very much, see you later gift.
Well, fuck you very much.
Yeah, but it turned out that Walker's reported it was part of their new campaign for their fancy crisps.
And every single Walker's employee in the UK had received a packet of those crisps and they felt it would be unfair to the workers from Swansea to not receive those.
But in fairness, I don't think you could have made a right decision.
Yeah, it is a damned if you do damned if you don't.
Regardless of whether it was like a fuck you or a we've included you in spite of the fact that we've sacked you.
There was no right choice.
It would have been hilarious if it was the coincided with the promotion where they somehow all got the winning packets.
Yeah, can you imagine if they all had like a million quid.
So that is the history of the Swansea Smith's potato crisps slash Walker's plant and the two mugs that I found in Barnardo's that I just could not resist.
So what were the characters in your mug?
Exactly the same.
Cheers.
Chin chin.
Yeah. So yeah, there's my tat.
And you know what wasn't far away from this factory?
The Dragon Factory on Forest Park.
That's the one we went to go and be nosy at.
I've got to put this mug to the test as well.
Absolutely.
Oh, you think darkness is your eye?
You merely adept the dark.
I was born in it.
Molded by it.
When I first saw the lighthouse, I was already a man.
But then nothing to me but blackness.
Very nice.
That's Purses the Bane test. Very well Batman.
That's fine bone china for you.
Put the kettle on love.
Two shoulders please darling.
And we are back with our final two challenges of the industrial zone of the Crystal Maze.
Well said.
Thank you.
It didn't take three goes at all.
Jackson, it is your turn to pick a challenge.
Oh, fantastic.
And if you just take out takes and here comes your action to the physical, I'm going to pick mental.
No, you can't do that.
That's cheating.
Physical then please.
I would love a physical challenge.
Would you now?
Yeah.
Just to even things up between you and Adam.
Exactly.
Okay.
The industrial zone physical game.
Strike the cup three times to win the crystal.
What you will need.
The plastic cup, three plastic balls, a master's maze hand, the timer and a crystal.
The player should kneel or crouch on the floor in a room with a fairly smooth and flat surface carpet is fine.
Mark a start line on the floor in front of the player and place a cup upside down, roughly one and a half meters away from the start.
Place the three balls and the maze master's hand in front of the player.
We suggest putting something behind the cup to stop the balls rolling away and getting lost.
What's the maze master's hand?
It's one of these spanky hands.
Spanky hands.
I need to take photos.
They have a sucker on one side.
Oh, that's the Richard I already games.
Master hand thing.
Oh, is it?
It must be an I already Jen.
One and a half meters.
Yes.
So, there.
Yeah.
To where?
The cups right behind.
The settle.
Yeah.
Now you have two minutes to hit the cup three times.
With me balls.
With your balls.
Once you have hit all three balls, you must retrieve all three balls.
I want to go a whole meter and a half.
Nobody can assist you with the collection of your balls.
That's a four and a half meter further than I had to go.
I know.
I didn't have the games master's hand help.
It's not about the size.
It is against the clock.
Are you ready Mr Jackson?
Yes.
Three, two, one, go.
Oh my god, these don't.
You missed.
I did.
That wasn't a cup.
You missed.
That wasn't a cup.
You missed.
Where's the other one gone?
I don't know.
I think it went over to you.
I'm down to two.
Okay.
Keep hitting them.
Fail.
Oh, the cat spotted the ball.
The cat's got them balls.
Oh no.
Yes, that's one.
Oh no, the cat's going to interfere with gameplay.
One ball got.
No one's keeping tally except for me.
That's one hit.
One successful hit.
Two successful hits.
Woo, I am a master.
You've got loads of time left.
Oh, good.
Two successful hits.
I am getting my own balls.
I don't know if that third one has gone.
It went.
Oh, here it is.
Oh, you found it.
Yes.
Third one's back in play.
Third one's back out of play.
Retrieving balls.
Balls being retrieved.
The cat is going to also get well involved.
Yay.
Number three hit with a good minute left on the timer.
Well done, Jackson.
I do sports.
There we go.
Yay, sports.
Brilliant.
There we go.
So I guess that leaves Adam with a...
Oh, I am so sorry.
I'm so used to these two failing.
I was offended at that.
I guess.
I'm so used to these two failing miserably.
It's so hard to get these little things.
We've been divine.
One little crystal ball.
Thank you very much.
Jackson is two, one, up.
Nice little jazz fingers then.
Lovely.
Yes, that leaves me with a mental round to play.
Seems only fair.
Let's have a look.
Lift the cat fits.
Oh, Jesus.
I feel not looking forward to this.
See how many words are on them pages.
Zig-a-zig.
Ah.
Oh, this is a complicated round.
This is a complicated round.
Okay, industrial zone mental game.
Follow the clues to find the two remaining hazardous vials before locating the crystal.
Warning, you must locate all the vials.
What you need.
Industrial game mental base.
Which shape is it?
It's on the back of one of them.
On the back of this one.
No.
Oh, you got it?
No.
Oh.
What's that one?
On the back of that one.
Weird.
Nothing on the back of it, is it?
Oh, hang on.
Is it this thing?
It's this thing.
Oh, right.
Okay.
Oh, it's some sort of cipher.
Yes, like a codex thing.
Right.
What you will need.
The industrial mental game base.
Eighteen industrial mental game vial cards.
I think they're...
Those things.
Yes, well done.
Yeah.
A timer and a crystal.
Preparation.
Important note.
This challenge takes a fair bit of time to set up.
This would be an opportune moment for players to put the kettle on, get some snacks, talk
about maze masters behind their backs.
Please read these instructions very carefully.
Choose a room in which to play this challenge.
It should be a different room to the one in which you are playing the board game.
Well, that's not going to happen.
No.
For this challenge, there is a set of 18 cards which depict vials of hazardous chemicals.
You will only use three of these cards from the set.
Each vial card displays a coded word which represents an object or area of a room.
So it's important that the three cards chosen have these objects or locations in that room.
For example, if the room does not have a television, then choose a different card instead.
The maze master should look in the solutions section opposite and choose three appropriate
cards from the list.
For the purpose of explaining the rules, we will refer to the vials as card one, two and
three.
I'm happy to just flip a coin for the crystal.
That's cheating.
It's a bit half-hearted.
So card one, for example, could be cushion.
Card two could be stool.
Card three could be TV.
Working backwards, look at card three, then place the crystal at the location written
on this card, e.g. TV.
Place card three in the location written on card two, e.g. stool.
Place card two on the location written on card one, e.g. cushion.
It's a treasure.
Yeah, treasure.
Give card one to the player.
The vial cards cannot be completely hidden from view.
These are even smaller than the last cards I had to bloody find.
When this challenge has been set up, the player should enter the room.
I'm honestly happy to flip a coin.
Other players may watch from the doorway, but no conferring is allowed.
Give you the game card so you can see the instructions.
Hand the game base to the player.
Start the timer.
Place it in the central location in the room so they can easily be seen.
Game.
First of all, the player has to decipher the word written on card one.
This will lead them to the location of card two.
Once they've found card two, the word written on that will lead them to card three.
Once they have the word written on card three, that will lead them to the location of the crystal.
The player is only allowed to keep the crystal if they finish the challenge
with all three vial cards and the crystal.
They must not cut corners and merely look for the crystal without completing the whole challenge.
The player does not successfully complete this.
Then the mazemaster must remember to retrieve the crystal.
I was going to cut corners by forfeiting this game.
I assume I can show you the solutions, otherwise how would you work them out?
Oh, they've got letters.
I've got the codex written there.
Can I have the thingy cards, please?
I've shuffled them.
Can you walk out of the room?
Yes.
OK, so we've got chair, picture, shelf, clock, light, door, corner, window, plug, table, curtain, remote, sofa,
bars, speaker, cushion, mirror and plant.
All right, hang on, this is going to take a minute.
That is a plug.
Should say on the other side.
I'm going to stay in the kitchen, there's pizza in there.
OK.
Nearly there.
I can't believe they don't tell you what they need easily.
I know, right?
It's bonkers.
You'll have to work it out first.
There you go, you've got it.
Oh, is it only three?
Yeah.
All right, OK.
We're nearly there.
I can't even remember.
Right, I need a crystal.
I'll try and put these on an easy accessible side of the room so it doesn't have to mess
it up.
OK.
Hang on.
So I need to keep that one.
Can you have that?
I can, yes.
Close your eyes.
OK.
You ready?
Yes, you can.
Come back in.
Put my glasses on, although it didn't help me last time.
It didn't.
I have tried to place these things in accessible areas for you, OK?
All right.
I need the codex.
You do need the codex.
So this is the first clue.
You have two minutes to solve.
Do I have to read the back of this?
Oh, you read the back of that card if you want, yeah.
I'll explain exactly what we've done.
If all of the clues define the two hazardous remaining vials, you must claim all the vials,
but I'd laugh.
OK, ready?
Yes, that's the right way around.
OK, two minutes start now.
This way, Anna.
No idea.
It was really hard for me to figure out what they were, and it actually just says.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, great.
Are you sure it's that way, App?
Show me.
I can't see your hand is in the way.
Hang on.
Why don't you try putting it in the gate?
Plug.
So Adam thinks plug is the first answer.
So now he's looking at all the plugs.
Yeah.
There we go.
Aha.
He has located clue number two on top of the plug socket.
Now he is trying to work out clue number two in the possibly darkest corner of the room.
Oh, I'm not going to get on these.
Well done for keeping an eye on the timer.
He's thinking hard.
What the fuck is that?
He's thinking very hard.
I can hear it.
I think I can't do this.
About 40 seconds.
No, I'm not finding the words on the other card quick enough.
There's only one of them.
The one that Jackson said.
It is the one that Jackson is sat on.
He's got the second clue.
He's got about 25 seconds to the third clue and find the crystal.
About 15 seconds.
He's heading in the right direction.
The third clue is door.
Five, four, three, look out.
Two, one, zero.
No, that's tin foil.
Why is it tin foil on the floor?
Because I own a cat.
I didn't even see that was there.
They're not going to put fake looking crystals around the crystal dome.
That's a crystal.
That's not something that might look a bit like a crystal.
Someone with shit eyesight.
I'm sorry.
I didn't even register it was there until you touched it.
I still can't see it.
It's on the far side of the door.
Oh well.
No crystal around.
That was a bit of a let down.
It might feel like we're going to be having a very short visit to the dome.
Yes, I think it might be.
After two zones, Jackson has won two crystals, which equals 10 seconds in the crystal dome.
Adam has won one crystal, which equals five seconds in the crystal dome.
Oh dear.
So it's going swimmingly.
Marvellous.
Dun dun dun dun dun.
Dun dun.
We're finally getting to it.
The final section of the show.
We have reached Bibliotat.
Oh, I'm not doing a jingle next week.
I challenge thee to a jingle, sir.
Challenge not accepted.
Damn it. Should have got my gauntlets.
It's my turn this week.
It is?
For this one, I'm going to ask you to close your eyes just for a second while I get it out of my tap box.
Oh, get it out.
Because, er.
Get it out for the gills.
I saw this.
Open your eyes.
Instantly thought, I've got to give this the digitiser.
Oh my God.
Amazing.
Freemasons for dummies.
I love you.
You've been through the entire book and put loads of tabs in it.
So organised.
By Christopher Hodap, he's a 33rd degree mason, past master of two temples and a knight templar.
Wow.
50 pence in Swansea Cats and Kittens.
Yeah, Swansea Cats and Kittens.
Get them out the right way round.
Charity shop.
Instantly thought, I've got to give this the digitiser.
To be fair, Biffo and Sandy have probably moved on to many, many other topics.
Other than tongue in cheek conspiracy theories.
You can never get too much Freemason conspiracy.
I'll message, see if this is interesting once I've finished going through it.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
It's mostly focused on North American Freemasonry, so there's probably quite a few variations between other countries.
The author's joked that it's not a secret society, because obviously so many people know about it,
rather than it's a society with secrets.
As the secrets that a mason may not discuss are the grips, the handshakes, passwords and signs, the gestures,
and their modes of recognition, and some details of the Masonic degree ritual ceremonies.
Oh.
Hush, hush.
I've no really wish to become a mason.
Mostly because you've got to believe in a supreme being.
Do they specify?
No, no, no. As long as you believe in a supreme being of some sort, they believe you've got a higher power in your life.
Would the general power of the universe be enough?
I don't know, you'd have to ask them. I don't know, flying spaghetti monster campsite either.
I'm just wondering if it needs to be anthropomorphised.
The author can't go into all the details about lodge meetings, but he does go into detail about what's in lodge rooms.
Ooh, that's exciting. Find the correct tab. What's inside the lodge?
The many details of the lodge room are based on interpretations and descriptions of the temple.
Many variations exist throughout the world depending on differences in customs, rituals and rules,
but in general lodge rooms are arranged this way.
The modern masonic lodge is a rectangular room with seating around the perimeter.
The ceremonies of the lodge take place in the centre of the room, so everyone has a good view.
Lodge rooms are usually oriented east to west.
Ancient temples were constructed this way to be aligned with the east to west path of the sun.
Even if a masonic building actually faces north and south, when you walk into the lodge room, you're symbolically facing the east.
Okay.
The lodge has an altar where the Bible, in brackets, or other holy book, sacred to the lodge members, is opened.
It's referred to as the volume of sacred law.
In US lodges, the altar is in the centre of the room.
In other parts of the world, the altar may be directly in front of the master's chair.
Three candles or lights are placed in a triangular position next to or surrounding the altar to illuminate the volume of sacred law.
Whoa.
Offices have chairs in specific positions in the room.
The master is in the east on a raised platform on three steps.
The junior wardens in the west on a platform of two steps.
And the junior wardens in the south on one step.
The steps symbolise where they've come in the Olympics.
No.
They symbolise the progression of life.
Youth, manhood and age.
So who's in the north? Does the north not exist?
In the east.
No, nobody's in the north.
Okay.
East, west and south.
There are two tall pillars with globes on the top, patterned after two bronze columns that were prominent architectural features of Solomon's temple.
They're usually on either side of the senior warden or sometimes next to a doorway leading to the lodge.
This one I think is specifically North American.
The big letter G within the square and compass.
Oh yeah.
At least I mentioned the G is more of an American.
G for God.
It symbolises, represents both God and the science of geometry.
Okay.
It's the secret knowledge of the original stonemasons.
Okay. Interesting.
But that illuminated letter G suspended over the master's chair in the east or sometimes over the altar.
There is a chapter as well about the symbols, Freemasonry and what they represent.
I'll scan that one page for use in the blog.
It would take far too long to go through all the meanings of several, several pages.
The more interesting part for me though is how much Freemasonry was lifted and tweaked for the order of the links in Lodge 49.
Very, very short-lived TV series before getting cancelled.
Still haven't watched it.
I really, really wish it lasted more than two seasons.
It's a really good show.
But it says you're unlikely to be invited to be a Freemason.
If you want to join, one of the oldest tenets of the fraternity is, a man must ask of his own free will and accord.
Unlike Dud in Lodge 49, you're supposed to knock on the door of the lodge because you have a good opinion of the fraternity, not...
What are you doing here?
Qualifications for membership.
Aha. Is rule one, you have to be rich?
No. Specifically, it's meant to be people of good standing from all walks of life.
I think there's one bit where they mentioned one of the presidents.
It could be an FDR?
Oh, damn it, I only briefly skimmed this book. I didn't think I'd have to bring it up.
He was in a meeting, but he went to Masonic Lodge and his gardener was the grandmaster of the lodge.
Wow, cool.
So in there, his gardener had status above him, but then on the outside, I'm the president of the United States.
That's pretty cool.
I kind of think he felt a bit awkward calling for him to do stuff after that.
Come and cut my grass!
He said, no, no, it was good for both of us.
You must believe in a supreme being.
No atheist or irreligious libertine may become a Freemason,
but your religious beliefs and affiliations are your own business.
You must be joining of your own free will.
You must be a man.
Yawn.
It's a male-only institution.
You must be freeborn.
What does that mean?
It does not engage in racial discrimination.
Quickly point that out. The term freeborn is hold over from the days when slavery, indentured servitude and bonding were common.
It means that a man must be his own master and not bound to another man.
Fucking hell.
It's not a problem these days, but the language is retained because of its antiquity and the desire to retain the heritage of the fraternity.
Okay.
You must be of lawful age.
Depending on the grand lodge, can be anywhere from 18 to 25.
Specific United States bits, blah blah blah.
You must be well recommended.
At least two existing Freemasons from the lodge, your petitioning must recommend you.
Masonry doesn't care about your worldly wealth or social position.
Okay.
Both the bank's president and the bank's janitor can apply for membership.
They're both considered equally qualified.
Towards the end of the book there is a chapter, so is it relevant?
The author does acknowledge that people are less interested in joining or less time on their hands these days.
The author does believe the organisation still does have something to offer in the world today that can benefit men personally, socially and professionally.
The 21st century will undoubtedly bring changes, just as the 20th did.
Masonry is always adapted.
The lure of Freemasonry remains the mystery of the closed door, and men will always want to know what's on the other side.
I am going to grow a moustache and pack and go and knock on the door.
Oh, pack and wrap.
I need to wrap specifically.
And go and knock on the door and see if I can infiltrate the masses.
So for a bunch of you and your mates to have their Monty Python style.
Are you men? Yes?
Yes, yes we are.
I am a man. I swear it. I promise. I am a man.
So yeah, not for either of us, I don't think. Freemasonry?
No, but a fun book to read through. I enjoyed those facts. It was interesting. Maybe Biffo will take it off your hands.
50p, Kets and Kittens charity shop in Swansea. 100%
What honourable mention I will give.
Oh yeah, you mentioned honourable mentions when we were texting the other day.
Oh, it's a little badge. A tiny, tiny Technics little bottle cap badge.
That is cool.
I'll have to include that as well, take a photo of that.
Yeah, photos on the blog site.
Lightly used.co.uk
Well timed.
Oh, it's been a long one today.
Mammoth session.
Thank you very, very much for putting up with this and thank you for listening once again.
And especially thank you for listening if you've listened this far.
I've got to say thank you very much to Leighton J, Matt and Cartman from Pints of Cthulhu, Nicky Crafty Cornfield, The Amazing Cliff, Eli, Paul, and the
Thank you very much.
And thank you very, very much as well to Tom.
Thank you to Rob. Thank you to Simon from the Studio Channel 84.
It was awesome to meet you all.
It really, really genuinely was.
Did I remember everyone's names?
I hope so. I think so.
But yeah, I echo Adam's sentiments.
The Cheap Show Live was fantastic.
And spending time with all the people that we got to spend time with over those couple of days was brilliant.
And I cannot wait for the next live show where we all get to meet up again.
Because yeah, it was just one of my favourite memories to date.
I have got a bit of a confession to make.
Oh no.
We were all outside the pub. It was pretty much the entire crew of the USS Shit Show.
It was minus Admiral Chester. She was being boring bitches sitting in doors.
We were all standing outside having a pint and it stormed me.
Oh, there's a lot of podcasters here.
Yeah, it was a podcast festival, Adam, you idiot.
It was a podcast festival.
Absolute null.
And we are podcasters. And do you know what? I've never felt so cool.
I've genuinely never felt so cool.
It was, yeah, I love my life.
Speaking of podcasts, we are part of the Studio Channel 84 network.
Seamless segue.
How many times have we plugged this one now?
If you're not already a listener, make sure you check out the Variety Show for everything pop culture.
Untitled Trek Show for your sci-fi fix, including the USS Shit Show ongoing series.
Who Takes the Socks Off? The channel's excellent panel show.
And there's a mini series Socks On or Off where guests get to spin the wheel of would you rathers.
You can find us all, links to all the shows and our socials at channel84.co.uk.
And you can find us at likelyused.co.uk.
Please come and find us. Please take a look at our blogs.
Check us out, drop us an email, pod at likelyused.co.uk.
Thank you very much for listening.
Thank you. We love you.
Adam and Karen have been lightly used.
Visit likelyused.co.uk for more.
To get in touch, email pod at likelyused.co.uk.
Domesticity.
Domest... Domesticity.
Domesticity. OK.
The lads began to quietly settle back in domesticity.
Fuck!