1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,000 This is Lightly Used with Adam and Carol. 2 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:18,600 So as you will notice things are a little bit different this episode because we're 3 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:20,600 not actually here. 4 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:21,880 No we're not. 5 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:26,840 We are off doing something brave and going to that London. 6 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:27,840 The big smoke. 7 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:29,920 The old smokey. 8 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:38,120 To see a Cheap Show live event as part of the Cheerful Airful podcast festival that 9 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,000 is hosted in London every year. 10 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,400 Our spiritual inspiration. 11 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:42,480 They are indeed. 12 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:43,480 We love you guys. 13 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:44,480 We do love you guys. 14 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,480 Clearly. 15 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,440 Yeah, sorry. 16 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:50,200 We are a love letter to you, we promise. 17 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:56,160 So the plan is we're in London and you are stuck with whatever Adam has cobbled together 18 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:57,160 for you. 19 00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:58,160 Yep. 20 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,720 We're going to be meeting up with the rest of the Channel 84 family and hopefully some 21 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:05,200 more people from other pods and what I'm deeming a parasocial pod squad. 22 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:06,200 Yeah. 23 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,200 We're going to be meeting up. 24 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:11,000 So while we're away I've thought I'd compile all the Lightly Used news segments so far 25 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,920 into Turnip Tales, part one. 26 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:23,160 A whole lot of turnip. 27 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:25,760 This has been Dooming Rounds on the internet. 28 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:30,440 It's from the Abba Geveni Chronicle, Saturday the 9th of March, 2024. 29 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:31,440 OK. 30 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:32,440 7.54pm. 31 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:33,440 OK. 32 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:34,440 Is the time relevant? 33 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:35,440 No, not at all. 34 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:42,000 Met by Tin Butters, close encounters of the turnip kind. 35 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,000 Oh God. 36 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,880 An Abba Geveni man who headed to the Keepers Pond to catch a glimpse of the Northern Lights 37 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:52,120 last weekend swears down that although he didn't see the Aurora Borealis, he did make 38 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,880 contact with an alien life form. 39 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,640 I love that they've used the term swears down. 40 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,640 That is such a Welshism. 41 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,200 That is such a Welsh. 42 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,200 I love it. 43 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,200 I swear down. 44 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:08,120 It means that they really promise, really, really hard, as hard as they can promise anything 45 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,120 that they're telling the truth. 46 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:14,280 Semi-professional long distance runner, Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle they headed up 47 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:19,160 Glen Avon Road with his trusty Nikon F camera to take a few snaps of the otherworldly phenomenon 48 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,120 for a local Facebook community group page. 49 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:26,520 Yet upon arrival, he realised not only had he got the date wrong, but the two friends 50 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:30,680 he'd arranged to meet there were, quote, spitting feathers because they thought Turnip 51 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:35,960 had invited them to an all night rave as opposed to a heavenly night show. 52 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,760 Big Tony and Puerto Rico pulled their frothy at their mouth with rage when they realised 53 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,920 just how wrong they had got things, recalled Turnip fondly. 54 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:46,120 Bloody idiots didn't know what the Northern Lights were, thought it was a bunch of old 55 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:50,640 school DJs from Manchester putting on an event like it was 1989 all over again. 56 00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:54,760 To make matters worse, they turned out like a white couple of kippers. 57 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:59,120 White gloves, whistles, bucket hats, dungarees, tie-dye t-shirts, you name it. 58 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,480 These couple of tarts were taking every acid house cliché in the book. 59 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:06,080 It's not healthy for men in their early 50s to be acting like that. 60 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:10,320 Still, it was good to see those two and speak in terms again. 61 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,840 Things turned sour between them after an incident in the Guardsmen in the early 90s over at 62 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,280 Baby Shamans and Questionable Sartorial Tri-Sis. 63 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:23,280 They finally buried the hatchet thanks to their shared love of dance music and strobe 64 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:24,280 lights. 65 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:29,480 Turnip told the Chronicle that after laughing at their collective idiocy and reminiscing 66 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:33,120 about the good old days over a flag and a white lightning, the three friends decided 67 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:36,760 to walk from the keepers to the top of the blorange and light a fire. 68 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:41,440 You can't beat a good fire on a cold night, topple mounting, explained Turnip. 69 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:45,000 Big Tony was mourning we didn't have any tyres to burn because he likes the smell and 70 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,400 they last a long time. 71 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,960 He soon chewed up when I told him I've got a few cans of deodorant in my rucksack, we 72 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,960 can blow them up if we get bored. 73 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:57,160 Anyhow, we got to the top and the all the faddle was laid out below us, all lit up like 74 00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:58,160 a toy tent. 75 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,160 It was well depressing. 76 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:04,160 We started the whisky and the mood soon picked up, especially when Puerto Rico Paul started 77 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,960 to blast out the prodigies' no good start to dance in his portable ghetto blaster. 78 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:08,960 This is so Welsh. 79 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:09,960 I'm doing my best. 80 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:18,680 No, your accent is great but these boys, these blokes on the stories, so Valley boys, they're 81 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:19,680 so Welsh, I love it. 82 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:20,680 Definitely real. 83 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:21,680 I love it. 84 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:25,720 We were soon guzzling whisky like those energy drinks the youngsters are addicted to, screaming 85 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:29,840 like lunatics and dancing around the fire like three well-dressed warlocks. 86 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:31,720 We must have looked at the right state. 87 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:36,600 It was only then that we noticed the extraterrestrial. 88 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:40,240 Turnip revealed they noticed a bald-headed stranger sitting cross-legged on the edge 89 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:43,280 of the mountain, gazing intently up at the stars. 90 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:47,000 It was Big Tornio who noticed him first, explained Turnip. 91 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,520 He stopped dancing and snarled, who's a dickhead? 92 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:52,600 Tornio can be like that, he's got a good heart. 93 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:57,200 He'll never start a fight, but having said that, he'll never walk away from one either. 94 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,880 Personally, I knew straight away it was an alien. 95 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,440 I could tell by its posture and its sense of otherness. 96 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:07,280 I've always had a good read off that sort of thing. 97 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:11,400 As we approached the thing from the skies, Puerto Rico Paul was particularly cautious 98 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:16,120 because he claims he was once abducted by aliens and subject to all sorts of experiments. 99 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:18,280 But to me that just sounds like wishful thinking. 100 00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:25,160 Anyhow, as we got closer, he was making this weird sort of ommmm noise and his eyes firmly 101 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,800 fixed on the firmament. 102 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:31,040 It seemed completely indifferent to our presence and even when Big Tornio shouted, 103 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:34,680 Where are you from alien? Kent is it? 104 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:39,960 The shiny headed creature just kept making this unsettling ommmm noise. 105 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:44,520 We held hands, surrounded it in a circle and Big Tornio asked in a slight age of hysteria 106 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:48,720 in his voice, From what distant galaxy have you travelled, 107 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:49,720 space thing? 108 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:55,320 Yet still it ignored us like we were nothing more than mentally challenged savages. 109 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,760 Turnip explained and suddenly noticed the intergalactic visitor was sitting in a circle 110 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:04,440 of toadstools and Puerto Rico Paul screamed, It's no alien, it's Twilith Teig. 111 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:09,040 Run before they kidnap us, marry band of brothers and force us into a life of servitude in the 112 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:10,040 fairy realms. 113 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:15,000 Turnip told the chronicle, We hothielded off the mountain like we were being chased like 114 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,840 Benny Hill himself. 115 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:20,320 Big Tornio tripped on his flares a few times but we made it back to the Keepers car park 116 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,320 in one piece. 117 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,800 We were all taught by Puerto Rico Paul's mother, who was known as the Witch of Tudor 118 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,320 Street not to mess with the fairies or the Twilith Teig as she called them. 119 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:33,440 She always said, If you ever come across a little folk, keep your distance. 120 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,040 I always thought she had some sort of weird phobia of dwarves but now I've actually met 121 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,280 a fairy I know better. 122 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:42,640 Turnip added, It was a strange unsettling experience. 123 00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:47,480 I never expected to bump into one of them, the blorange, but life's strange like that. 124 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,240 Go for the lights, stay for the fairies. 125 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:53,360 Since his encounter with one of the little people, Turnip insists he's been brushing 126 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:57,960 up on fairy lore and believes if he catches one of the Twilith Teig, it'll grant him 127 00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:58,960 a wish. 128 00:06:58,960 --> 00:06:59,960 Good luck, Turnip said. 129 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,600 In hindsight, we were a bit rash to flee the scene. 130 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:07,160 It's sort of every day I come across a mythical creature who can grant wishes. 131 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:11,200 If I can trap and tame a fairy, the world will be my oyster. 132 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:16,460 With one wish. 133 00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:21,160 We return to the Abagaveni Chronicle and Monmouthshire Beacon. 134 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:26,000 By Tim Butters, from Monday the 18th of March, 2024. 135 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:31,040 Monmouthshire man claims he has found the entrance to secret tunnel network. 136 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:35,720 For centuries, rumours have abounded that Abagaveni sits on top of a huge underground 137 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:42,480 network of tunnels that were once used by everyone from Oen Glyndur to sex-crazed monks. 138 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:46,240 Over the years, many amateur sleuths have attempted to prove that tunnels exist but 139 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:48,120 to no avail. 140 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:49,960 Until now. 141 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:55,040 Early professional long-distance runner, Johnny Turnip, believes he has found a portal to 142 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:58,600 the hidden realms of the town and it happened by accident. 143 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,360 Go on, Johnny! 144 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,640 I was trying to make contact with one of the Fairfolk where it happened, explained Turnip. 145 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:08,240 I know that might sound like the ramblings of Lunatic and once I would have agreed with 146 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,240 you. 147 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,560 However, after my encounter with a member of the Twilith Teig the other week on top of 148 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,720 the Blorange, I am one of the wide awake gang now. 149 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:19,160 I know these mythical creatures are real and if we'd attempted to catch it instead of 150 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,680 fleeing the scene in fright, we could have been kings of the world. 151 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,560 Fairies can grant wishes, see? 152 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:28,960 And now we know they're real, we're going to capture one and make it do our bidding. 153 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:33,600 Turnip reveals that alongside his brothers in arms, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul, his 154 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,960 first bid to trap and tame a Twilith Teig was a failure. 155 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:37,960 He explained. 156 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:42,800 We tried Big Tony's tactic of erecting this huge steel monolith-like structure on Hay Bluff 157 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:46,960 to draw one in from the enchanted realms and trap it with a fishing net. 158 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,480 We had spent a lot of time on top of Lord Hereford's knob as a young man and said there's 159 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:59,120 always been a lot of fairy activity in that neck of the woods. 160 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,120 Turnip added. 161 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:04,200 I'm not sure about the science behind it, but Big Tony said a lump of shiny steel would 162 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:08,160 prove irresistible to the little fork and he knew a builder's yard where some was going 163 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,160 spare. 164 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:13,120 Well, after carrying it to the top of the hill and getting it in the ground, we sat 165 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,840 there all night drinking white rum and waiting for something to happen, but all we got was 166 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:17,840 a big fat nothing. 167 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:21,960 We couldn't be bothered to take it down so we left it there for the locals to look at. 168 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:25,680 Not a lot goes on in Powys, so we thought it would give the natives something to talk 169 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:28,120 about during the dark nights and dull days. 170 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:33,160 Anyhow, once we left Bowen out of our country and made it safely back to the urban sophistication 171 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:38,040 of the Mardi, we decided to revert to Plan B in our bid to find a portal to the fairy 172 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:39,040 realms. 173 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:44,800 Turnip explained that Puerto Rico Paul's mother, Pauline, or the Witch of Tudor Street, as 174 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:49,480 she was once affectionately known, was well versed in fairy lore, and so they visited 175 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:55,320 her caravan just on the outskirts of Llanthany Priory for advice. 176 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:59,520 Ever since they cleared the sums, the witch left Aberan who's refused to return, said 177 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,020 Turnip. 178 00:10:01,020 --> 00:10:05,880 She said it's been overrun by beatniks and amateur chefs and not the town she once knew. 179 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:09,320 She's lived in the caravan for years, giving tarot card readings to finance her chocolate 180 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,440 addiction and listening to Rick Astley records. 181 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:15,040 Failed with a gout apparently. 182 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:20,120 However, if you want to catch a fairy, she's your lady. 183 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,480 When we told her what we were planning, she was a bit dismissive and called us a bunch 184 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:27,960 of goons who had meddled in the higher powers, but it was her knowledge of the ancient ways 185 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:33,880 we wanted, not compliments. 186 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:37,960 Turnip revealed the three of them left the caravan armed with the riddle that if they 187 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:42,840 wait by the tree of winter blossom by the stones of poetry in the meadow of swans near 188 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:47,120 the river that named a town at the stroke of midnight, the oracle of spikes will lead 189 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:51,640 the way to the hidden realms. 190 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:54,700 I knew straight away where she meant, explained Turnip. 191 00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:58,400 She didn't have to dress it up in such ridiculous language though, she could have just said, 192 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,080 go to the grass bit near the bus station and wait. 193 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,080 So that's exactly what we did. 194 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,600 Unsure of exactly what they were waiting for, the three friends huddled together in swan 195 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,640 meadows beneath the blossom tree and spent their time violently arguing about who would 196 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:15,560 make the best wish if they did catch a fairy. 197 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:18,840 Bird-o-Paul said he was going to wish for a time machine, revealed Turnip. 198 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,560 Apparently he wants to go back to the night the Beatles played Abba-Gaveni to find out 199 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:27,200 if Paul really is his father like he claims, I said to the Dorsetart. 200 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,720 Think what you'd have to witness to prove your dad is really a beetle, it wouldn't be 201 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,760 pleasant. 202 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,820 Turnip added, Big Tony had a better wish. 203 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:39,120 He wanted to be the owner of the biggest construction company in the UK. 204 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:44,240 It's a nice idea for a man with a strong work ethic but limited abilities like Torn, but 205 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,200 it stinks of a small town mentality. 206 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:52,360 When I revealed my wish was to become a god, you could see them growing suspicious. 207 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:56,240 Failing to think Big has always been their problem. 208 00:11:56,240 --> 00:12:00,120 The three musketeers' reverie was eventually broken by a rustling coming from a nearby 209 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:04,880 tree and in the moonlight what looked like a small mythical creature appeared and made 210 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:07,120 tentative movements towards them. 211 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:11,840 Turnip recalled, Big Tony grabbed a net when it was about to pounce when Perto Paul screamed, 212 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,040 Leave it alone you big lump, it's a bloody hedgehog. 213 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:18,800 You can imagine our disappointment, explained Turnip. 214 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,000 We came for the wings, all we got was the spikes. 215 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:27,280 The hedgehog wandered by all brazen, giving us a contemptuous scowl that seemed to suggest, 216 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:31,040 not my circus, not my monkeys. 217 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:40,640 However, when we followed the oracle of spikes, we found something a lot better than the fairy. 218 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:44,760 We found the secret entrance to Abergavenny's lost network of tunnels. 219 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,240 No fucking way. 220 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:47,960 To be continued… 221 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:54,600 Nooooo, you can't leave it there, it's just getting exciting. 222 00:12:54,600 --> 00:13:03,480 The ramblings of Johnny Turnip, man warns we should all be very afraid of what lies 223 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:10,000 beneath Abergavenny, by Tim Butters from the Abergavenny Chronicle on Monday the 25th of 224 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,000 March. 225 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:15,200 A local man who claims to have found the entrance to Abergavenny's secret network of tunnels 226 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:20,800 has since returned from that underground labyrinth with a fantastical story to tell. 227 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:26,800 Many professional, long-distance runner, Johnny Turnip, alongside his mates Big Tony and Puerto 228 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:30,960 Rico Paul, accidentally stumbled across a gateway to the tunnels during their quest 229 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,040 to trap and tame a fairy. 230 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,720 Turnip claims that after following a hedgehog he calls the Oracle of Spikes from the Swan 231 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:42,200 Meadows to the castle, hoping it would lead them to a fairy lair, they discovered. 232 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,960 The entrance to the hidden realms of Abergavenny. 233 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:49,560 Turnip said, if you think sticking to the 20mph speed limit is hard, try following an 234 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:50,560 hedgehog. 235 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:54,840 It's a slow and laboured process, particularly when you've no idea what it's leading you. 236 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:58,680 I don't know if you've spent a lot of time around hedgehogs, but they seem to have a 237 00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:00,280 massive attitude. 238 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:04,000 It kept stopping, sniffing the air, turning around, giving us the eyeball. 239 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,320 Prickly customers in every sense of the word. 240 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:11,560 To make matters worse, three grown men intently following a hedgehog's single file through 241 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:15,700 the town in the early hours is good attract attention, especially with Big Tony's history 242 00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:16,700 of vagabating. 243 00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:20,800 Tony, I thought you were a good guy. 244 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,760 You got us all down. 245 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:26,760 It's a good job the police are either keeping a stern eye on their Twitter feeds or loading 246 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,960 up in Maccy D's or will you be nicked for acting like dickheads. 247 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:33,240 That's something that happened a lot back in the day, I can tell you. 248 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,800 Recalled Turnip affectionately. 249 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:41,200 Turnip explained that after about three torturous hours of walking like zombies in the hedgehog's 250 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:45,760 trail, it led them to the entrance of the castle and then shocked them all by simply 251 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,480 rolling on its back and dying. 252 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:48,480 Oh God. 253 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,040 I couldn't believe it, said Turnip. 254 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:54,920 We followed that bloody thing for hours and had the cheek to die on us. 255 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:55,920 Zero respect. 256 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:56,920 Jesus Christ. 257 00:14:56,920 --> 00:15:04,940 Big Tony was fuming and went to kick it, but every living thing deserves respect so I carefully 258 00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:07,760 put it inside a plastic bag and threw it in a nearby hedge. 259 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:08,760 Oh God. 260 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:09,760 Turnip added. 261 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:14,120 Now that the only lead to find a fairy was as dead as a duck, we needed to use our heads 262 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,640 and think on our feet. 263 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:21,320 Now soon after they began to argue over who was calling the shots when Turnip claims he 264 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:25,880 noticed a green light hovering over a patch of leaves inside the castle walls. 265 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,600 It was another sign from my ancestors, claimed Turnip. 266 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,800 It was like a will of a wisp beckoning it onwards. 267 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:36,760 So we scaled the castle walls like we were teenagers again, but with bigger bellies and 268 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:42,680 more mental health problems, and jumped down the other side to meet our destiny. 269 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,320 Sorry. 270 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:51,720 The bigger bellies and more mental health problems. 271 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,440 I was like, yep. 272 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:55,960 I think I might be Johnny Turnip. 273 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,640 Oh, I don't want to be big Tony now. 274 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,120 Can you be Birdie Rico Boy? 275 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:02,760 You've got a better name. 276 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:03,760 Never been there. 277 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:04,760 Doesn't matter. 278 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:05,760 Don't pick us either. 279 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:06,760 You might be from there. 280 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:07,760 Oh, that's true. 281 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:08,760 Or you might have a postcard. 282 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:09,760 He's got a fridge magnet. 283 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:10,760 He got a tan once. 284 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:17,160 Hard to do in Arbogafenny. 285 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,840 After arriving at the part of the castle where they'd seen the green light, the three friends 286 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,120 sunk to their knees and began to frantically dig at the ground in the belief they were 287 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,640 burrowing into the kingdom of a fairy. 288 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,900 We were like demented rabbits, recalled Turnip. 289 00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:33,880 After getting about three feet down, Big Tony started muttering about how it was a lost 290 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:38,240 cause and he was ready to wipe out the whole of Llanfoyce for a good shovel. 291 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,960 However, Birdie Rico Paul spurred him on by saying, 292 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,760 Your old school, Tone, shovels are for lady boys. 293 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:44,760 We're mardy. 294 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:45,760 Now dig, bitch. 295 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:48,080 It did the trick. 296 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:52,920 Bit Tone pushed us aside, bellowed like a wild pig and set up the hole like a Jack Russell 297 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:59,840 with his blood up. 298 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:04,160 Turnip told the Chronicle, when they were six feet under, their raw and bleeding hands 299 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,920 hit something hard and unyielding. 300 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:11,040 Upon clearing the earth, they came across a hatch of sorts that was painted green and 301 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,440 had a brass knob and plaque inscribed with words, 302 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:20,840 Behold, you are now entering the gateway into the hidden realms of the Gateway to Wales. 303 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:21,840 Turnip said, 304 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:26,720 I'm no Shakespeare, but as inscriptions on doors into other realms go, it lacked a certain 305 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:27,720 poetry. 306 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,680 The wording felt a bit clumsy, to be honest. 307 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:35,160 Nevertheless, the hunt was on and with all three of us pulling on the big brass knob, 308 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,560 we gained entry quite easily. 309 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:40,000 I bet. 310 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,880 Behind the green door, the three friends found a spiral stone staircase leading deep into 311 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:46,800 the bowels of the earth. 312 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:51,760 Those steps went down as deep as the eye can see and sort of disappeared into the dark, 313 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:52,760 explained Turnip. 314 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:56,960 At first, we were all overcome with a sense of dread, like when you wake up and the cells 315 00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,960 hang over with no memory. 316 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,960 Then had something resembling a panic attack and blurted out, 317 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:06,160 What if we never escape these tunnels and get to drink cold lager in the sun again? 318 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,480 But then Big Tony said, 319 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:13,320 Bugger it, if there's fairies down there, they owe us, I've come for what's mine. 320 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:18,200 Encouraged by Torn's you-dare's attitude, we merrily implored him to lead on, 321 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:22,800 and strode, or stepped tentatively because those steps were very narrow, into the great 322 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,000 unknown. 323 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,120 After about five minutes of descending into the pit of horrors, Big Tony hit another closed 324 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,120 door. 325 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:34,400 He tried to force it, but this one was locked tight, explained Turnip. 326 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:39,120 Raging against it for minutes, beating with his fists and headbutting it repeatedly, 327 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:43,200 Big Tony slumped to the ground with his head in his hands, and although he wouldn't admit 328 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:46,200 it, began to weep and repeat over and over again, 329 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,760 Dear God, what have I done? 330 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:52,040 I've only seen him like this once before, as when he lost twenty grand on the Grand 331 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,040 National, 332 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,280 Bert O'Rico Paul simply sneered and said, 333 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,720 Pull yourself together, Anthony, you're looking a bit flaky, son. 334 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:03,120 He then sparked up a fank, and the light from his Zippo illuminated a riddle on the door, 335 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:08,400 I wish we'd never solved, because what we found beneath Abagaveni will haunt me to the 336 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,800 day I die. 337 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:11,800 To be continued. 338 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:16,760 Aargh, always when he gets to the good parts. 339 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:21,080 I love these stories. 340 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:25,400 Man Urges Public to Keep Away from Abagaveni's Underworld 341 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:32,200 by Tim Butters in the Abagaveni Chronicle, Monday the 1st of April, 2024 342 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:37,500 A man who claims to have rediscovered Abagaveni's secret tunnel network is now urging people 343 00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:43,400 to stay away after he and his friends made the discovery that will mess with your head. 344 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:48,680 Johnny Turnip, Big Tony and Bert O'Rico Paul explained that they set out to trap and 345 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:53,240 tame a fairy, but got a lot more than they bargained for when they accidentally found 346 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:58,000 the entrance to Abagaveni's underworld in the grounds of the castle. 347 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,600 Turnip told the Chronicle, At first, the riddle on the door leading the tunnels had 348 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,120 us all stumped. 349 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:09,720 It read, What is the name of the ancient tribe of Abagaveni, and what mythical animal did 350 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:13,160 they once worship in the deepest wild? 351 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,160 Spelled W-I-L-D-E. 352 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:18,160 Was it a hedgehog? 353 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:23,960 Turnip added, We must have smoked about ten fags each trying to work that one out. 354 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,640 Although I can name all of King Henry VIII's wives, now they died, and Bert O'Rico Paul 355 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:31,320 is something of a specialist on the life and works of German existential philosophers. 356 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:34,400 None of us are exactly history buffs. 357 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:38,880 Suddenly Big Tony surprised us all by shrieking, I've got it! 358 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:40,560 They didn't spell Wilde wrong! 359 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:45,560 They were talking about Marty Wilde from the song Abagaveni! 360 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:50,600 To be honest, I had no idea Wilde was spelled wrong, but then I'm not a reader like Tone. 361 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:54,040 When he's not busy digging ditches or drinking his body weight in lager, you can usually 362 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:58,800 find him with his head buried in Martina coal. 363 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:02,680 Turnip added, Thank God for Tone's Eureka moment! 364 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:07,640 We knew the lyrics to a song we'd grown up drinking fortified wine to by heart. 365 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:14,360 At one we chanted, The ancient tribe is paradise people, and the mythical animal is a red dog. 366 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:20,720 As soon as we spoke, the door slid open, and from somewhere inside, the song began to blast 367 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,400 out from some hidden sound system. 368 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:26,360 But this was something else, a real kick! 369 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:30,840 With Tony taking the lead, and merrily shouting, He who dares! 370 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:35,880 We began to descend more steps into a dark and dank tunnel. 371 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:40,240 Turnip explained, We all began to do a little dance as we walked. 372 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:44,560 Big Tony sort of raised his hand above his head, wiggled his fingers into this sort of 373 00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:46,760 mincing movement with his feet. 374 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,600 For a big man, Tone's always been light on his feet. 375 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,320 It's what makes him such a good fighter and dancer. 376 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:56,960 But Eureka Paul did his trademark Axl Rose serpentine shuffle, and I just brought up 377 00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:01,440 the rear strutting like John Travolta's character in Saturday Night Fever as he makes his way 378 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:06,320 to the dance floor to teach some punk a lesson. 379 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,480 Turnip added, That tune's a proper rapper! 380 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:13,000 Brynjems version's class, but Marty's is the real deal. 381 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:17,040 I once wrote to Liam Gallagher and asked him why he hadn't done a cover version of it, 382 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,080 but he never replied. 383 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:22,720 He feels he hasn't got the vocal ability to do it justice and was a bit too embarrassed 384 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:23,720 to say. 385 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:28,400 Nana Turnip, also known as Annie Horrorshow, once it played at her funeral. 386 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:32,080 Although she's got a reputation as a moody mare, behind the Venom and Spite she's got 387 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,160 a wicked sense of humour. 388 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:38,160 She wants an old fashioned funeral procession through the middle of town with horses, carriages, 389 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,160 the works. 390 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:44,360 She wants the march to start slow with a brass band playing the Darth Vader tune. 391 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:49,440 Then someone will get a black rock cock to crow by showing it a photo of Gary Barlow. 392 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,480 This will cue the band to start playing Abba Gavini. 393 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:53,480 Should be a great day. 394 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:56,040 Shame Horrorshow won't be there to see it. 395 00:22:56,040 --> 00:23:01,480 Turnip told the Chronicle that once the song was over, the three friends walked for what 396 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:06,440 seemed like five minutes in complete silence, apart from Tony's laboured breathing, and 397 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:10,120 then the strange apparition blocked their path. 398 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:15,120 Turnip recalls, it was all fun and games until we saw what looked like a slightly overweight 399 00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:19,200 male wearing tracksuit bottoms and a pair of beaten up Nike airs. 400 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:23,680 As a semi-professional long distance runner, I hate to see trainers that have lost their 401 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:26,120 integrity and box fresh appeal. 402 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:29,560 It kind of reminds me of the horror at the end of all things. 403 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:31,920 But that wasn't the worst part. 404 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:36,640 For some reason, this dude had decided to customise his look by wearing a knight's helmet 405 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,360 and some sort of medieval body armour. 406 00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:44,440 He was also holding an axe but seemed kind of embarrassed by it. 407 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:49,200 Turnip added, he then said in a sort of voice you wouldn't usually find outside the panto, 408 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:50,200 Halt! 409 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:59,560 I am Gary the Grey, custodian of the gateway and keeper of the nine secrets. 410 00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:02,600 These paths belong to another. 411 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:07,880 Leave now if you value both sanity and soul. 412 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:13,680 Turnip said, I always recognise a nutter when I see one. 413 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,320 This guy was having a major meltdown. 414 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,120 However I needed to tread carefully. 415 00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:23,480 Big Tony's got little patience for dramatic types and if this athletic knight dude kept 416 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,480 talking like that he was probably going to get lamped. 417 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:31,680 So as a man of tact, I decided to take an innovative approach and play the madman at 418 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:32,680 his own game. 419 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,760 I said, let us speak plainly. 420 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,040 We've come to capture ourselves a fairy. 421 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:42,640 Now as soon as we have one of the little people in the bag, we'll be on our way. 422 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:48,640 He got all uppity at this, raised his axe and shouted, I am sworn defender of the Twilith 423 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:55,480 tag and you sirs are scoundrels whose foul taint I will cleanse the earth and other realms 424 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:56,480 of. 425 00:24:56,480 --> 00:25:00,680 The foul taints? 426 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:04,120 It was strong stuff but our teachers used to say worse. 427 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:07,320 Either way, it seemed the time for talk was done. 428 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:11,600 Big Tony adopted his fighting stance and was about to kick off when Perth or Rikapool piped 429 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:18,200 up with, hang on a sec, I recognise that voice, it's Manny from the estate. 430 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:23,520 Almost immediately the athletic knight dude dropped his axe, took off his helmet and all 431 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,360 became clear. 432 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:27,360 To be continued. 433 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:35,720 Aww for god's sake. 434 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:42,400 Man admits defeat in his quest to trap and tame a fairy by Tim Butters from the Abogaveni 435 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,280 Chronicle on Monday the 8th of April. 436 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:51,640 After accidentally stumbling across Abogaveni's secret tunnel network whilst trying to enslave 437 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:58,400 a fairy, semi-professional long distance runner, Johnny Turnip has made the outrageous claim 438 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:02,720 that his old friend Manny from the estate has lived in the Abba underworld for the past 439 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:07,400 decade protecting the town from other realms. 440 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:12,600 It's not a well known fact but Abogaveni is the centre of the known universe, explained 441 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:13,600 Turnip. 442 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:17,480 And our old friend Manny from the estate has been keeping a lonely vigil beneath the town 443 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:22,920 for years, ensuring the world is safe from hideous entities from other dimensions. 444 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:28,240 Turnip added, It sounds like bottled insanity I know, but after myself, Big Tony and Puerto 445 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:31,720 Rico Paul bumped into some dude wearing Nike Airs in the tunnels. 446 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:36,240 The last person we expected to find behind the knight's helmet was Manny from the estate. 447 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:41,520 He called himself Gary the Grey at first, but Puerto Rico Paul recognised his distinctive 448 00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:42,520 twang. 449 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:47,440 Manny disappeared from the town ten years ago, lazy Sue said she heard he'd moved to 450 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:51,600 Bracken, and when that happens it usually means something's gone profoundly wrong in 451 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:55,560 a man's life, so he didn't cry. 452 00:26:55,560 --> 00:27:00,040 His best mate Farsteady was inconsolable though, they'd pretty much grown up in the same garden 453 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:04,600 shed together, and the thought of Manny reaching such a low point in life that moving to Powis 454 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:09,800 was the only answer was nearly too much for Eddie to take. 455 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:14,320 Turnip explained that once he realised the jig was up, Manny took off his helmet and 456 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:20,040 gazing fondly upon his old friends with bloodshot eyes, told his tragic tale. 457 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:25,480 One day he consumed a spectacular amount of magic mushrooms on the dairy and fell helplessly 458 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:27,320 into the fairy kingdom. 459 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:30,000 We nodded thoughtfully at this because we've all been there. 460 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:34,440 Only difference is, Manny decided to stay, explained Turnip. 461 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:38,560 The twilith tech made him an offer that if he worked for them as a sort of handyman in 462 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:42,560 the tunnels beneath Abba, he could live there rant free, and they'd provide him with all 463 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:47,560 the lager takeaways, internet, Netflix and Xbox One games a man would ever need. 464 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:51,520 Manny's only a human, and he jumped at such a generous offer. 465 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:52,520 He told me, 466 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:56,240 JT, I'd pretty much run out of road in the world above. 467 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:58,320 I was going nowhere fast. 468 00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:02,880 I wanted to live a little and see a bit of the world, so I decided to take my chances 469 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:03,880 in the tunnels. 470 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:07,800 I've been here nearly ten years now, and it's a good life. 471 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:12,000 A man can get a bit lonely at times, but I try to keep active on the socials, and that 472 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:13,000 keeps me honest. 473 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:15,320 The job's very easy as well. 474 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:20,200 In theory, I'm supposed to stop unspeakable entities from using Abba Gavenia's portal 475 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:24,920 to enter the world and consume it in a never-ending orgy of violence and terror. 476 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:29,960 But apart from having us sort out some drunken leprechauns in 2018, things have been relatively 477 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:30,960 quiet. 478 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:35,080 Most of the work entails keeping curious visitors from Abba out. 479 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:39,040 There's been a lot of interest in these tunnels in recent years, and the last thing 480 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:43,360 my fairy overlords want is a never-ending stream of tourists visiting their realm and 481 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:46,000 hosting pictures about it on Facebook. 482 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,120 These tunnels are a two-way system. 483 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:52,480 Bad things from the land of fairy can use them to enter Abba, but Equilius' repulsive 484 00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:56,360 lifeforms from the world above can use them to enter the home of the Teg. 485 00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,080 So I'm afraid you're going to have to leave. 486 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:03,080 I know you wanted to take a fairy back with you, but it ain't happening on my watch, and 487 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:06,840 for all time's sake, I hope we can keep things peaceful. 488 00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:11,140 Turnip explained that after a quick discussion with Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul, the three 489 00:29:11,140 --> 00:29:14,680 adventurers decided the time had come to call it quits. 490 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:19,600 They'd have to return home empty-handed, but as Turnip pointed out, it's not the destination 491 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:23,720 but the journey that counts, and our adventures in the underworld have taught us a valuable 492 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:24,720 lesson. 493 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:28,040 None of us can function very well after 24 hours without lager. 494 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:30,960 We need to get to the surface again and soon. 495 00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:34,000 We were all dehydrated and bored. 496 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,040 Big Tony in particular was getting very tetchy. 497 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:41,000 The time had come to leave this stinking sewer system to the Fairfork. 498 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:45,320 After asking Manny the best place to exit, he led them to a set of steel steps that led 499 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:47,680 to a manhole in Cross Street. 500 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:52,000 Turnip explained, it seemed a bit tight on Manny to leave him alone in the underworld, 501 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:56,520 and Big Tony pleaded, it's no life for a mardy man stumbling around in the dark like 502 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:57,520 them all. 503 00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:01,880 I'm going to have a pint with us Manny, besides which I always need a good labourer, and you're 504 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:03,480 the best shovelman I know. 505 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:08,640 There were tears in Manny's eyes after such unexpected praise from Big Tony, but his mind 506 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:09,640 was made up. 507 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:15,240 He simply looked at us like an acid house-rasputin and said, I've made a new life here fellas, 508 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:17,720 besides which fairies need me. 509 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:19,280 I've made my vows. 510 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:25,240 I'm the watcher in the tunnels, and my vigil goes on until I no longer have eyes to see 511 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:27,920 or hands to fight. 512 00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:32,240 Turnip added, it was a bit of an embarrassed silence after the last bit of unnecessary 513 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:33,240 waffle. 514 00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:38,280 Then I made the point of holding Manny's gaze and silently mouthed the phrase of semi-professional 515 00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:43,600 runners and borderline alcoholics everywhere, go hard or go home. 516 00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:47,920 It was an emotional moment, but I have to admit, it soon passed as I wrote, come on 517 00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:51,400 boys, last one up, I drink all night. 518 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:55,400 We left Manny sobbing softly as we stormed up the steps, giggling and trying to elbow 519 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,840 one another out the way like out of control toddlers. 520 00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:04,760 Yet, when we finally burst through the manhole and breathed deep of the night air and liberation, 521 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:10,000 little did we know what would be waiting for us to be continued. 522 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:19,960 Were the pubs closed? 523 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:27,600 The Abba-Gaveni man, claims secret organisation, have been monitoring his activities. 524 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:31,600 An Abba-Gaveni man, who claims he knows the location of the entrance to Abba-Gaveni's 525 00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:36,600 secret tunnel network, has stressed he will take the secret to his grave after being threatened 526 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:39,720 by some mysterious and well dressed man. 527 00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:44,240 In his fantastical quest to capture a fairy, because he believed it would make him a god, 528 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:51,520 a tiny professional, long distance runner, Johnny Turnip and his two mates accidentally wandered into Abba's underworld and 529 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:56,520 found our mate Manny from the estate, guarding the portal between this realm and the next. 530 00:31:56,520 --> 00:32:00,840 When we realised Manny was employed by the Fairfork, some sort of guardian of the Big Door, 531 00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:05,040 we decided to abandon our mission as a favour to our friend, explained Turnip. 532 00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:09,720 Anyhow, when we fled the tunnel and berthed through a manhole in Cross Street, our hopes 533 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:12,920 of having a session back at Big Tony's were shattered when we were suddenly surrounded 534 00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:15,760 by about ten men in beige suits and sunglasses. 535 00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:21,640 No, I'm all for wearing shades, but it was about 3am with zero sun, and unless you're Bono, 536 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:24,600 that makes you slightly suspect. 537 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:29,880 Turnip told the Chronicle that the suited, booted and shaded men surrounding them, with 538 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:34,800 slightly smug expressions, reminded me of Ed Sheeran. 539 00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:37,960 He explained that Puerto Rico poor broke the silence by sneering, 540 00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:43,800 Who's this then, the men in beige, or the Monmouthshire chapter of the Rick Astley fan club? 541 00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:48,440 Turnip explained, their leader got all stroppy at the dig and tried to come back all cool 542 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:49,440 with, 543 00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:53,120 Well, well, if it's not Jimmy Parsnip and his two sidekicks. 544 00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:55,320 But no one can match Puerto Rico poor in a bitch fight. 545 00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:57,360 And as quick as a flash, he sniped, 546 00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:01,240 There's no Parsnip here sweetheart, just a whole lot of Turnip. 547 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:06,680 They stumped the chap, they had no choice but to resort to brute force to restrain our wit. 548 00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:10,640 He ordered his men to grab us, and though I could see Big Tony limbering up for a square 549 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:11,640 go, 550 00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:13,720 I held my hand up to him as a gesture that said, 551 00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:14,720 Not now, Tony. 552 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:18,040 12 on 3 is not good odds, even for a fighting man like yourself. 553 00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:23,160 Let's go with the flow, bide our time, and seize the opportunity to launch a counteroffensive 554 00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:25,320 when the time is right. 555 00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:26,320 Turnip said, 556 00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:30,760 It's amazing what you can say with that word, but me and Tony go back decades and can communicate 557 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:35,080 like wolves. 558 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:38,040 Turnip added, After they placed sex on our heads, but bizarrely 559 00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:40,000 with eye-holes cut out through our eyes, 560 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:44,000 We were frog-matched towards the castle with two of the men in beige on either side. 561 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:45,000 As we walked, I asked, 562 00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:46,960 So, what's all this about them boys? 563 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:49,600 It's been a long night, and we just want to get drunk. 564 00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:53,980 Their leader, who introduced himself as Mr. Citizen, said as we walked, 565 00:33:53,980 --> 00:33:58,000 We know what you clowns have been up to, Turnip, and you old abacus of any type are a threat 566 00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,760 to the new town order. 567 00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:03,520 You're not active on any Facebook community pages, and you don't wax lyrical about our 568 00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:08,560 surrounding hills, nor do you drink all the price coffee, eat avocados, wear body warmers, 569 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:11,840 practice mindfulness, or even bake your own bread. 570 00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:15,160 When was the last time you even had a gong bath for Christ's sake? 571 00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:19,600 Abergavenny's been voted the best place to live in Wales by the Sunday Times, on your 572 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:21,440 antics letting the side down. 573 00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:25,280 Your continued presence threatens house prices, and it's high time you were put back in your 574 00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:26,280 bloody box. 575 00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:30,320 We're a special group of gentlemen who've known about Abergavenny being the centre of 576 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:32,320 the universe for some time. 577 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,760 We also know about the tunnels and the Faerie Realms. 578 00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:39,320 Yet every time we lift the manhole in Cross Street, we're greeted by a peculiar force 579 00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:41,000 wheel we just cannot penetrate. 580 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:44,720 For some reason, you losers gain easy access. 581 00:34:44,720 --> 00:34:47,640 Now you'll take us to the entry point of the Underworld. 582 00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:51,580 From there, our specialist team of marketing and content strategists will use a special 583 00:34:51,580 --> 00:34:54,680 mobile phone app in order to conquer the Faerie Realms. 584 00:34:54,680 --> 00:35:00,360 We'll then use the hidden power of the Fairfolk to turn the whole world into a bespoken global 585 00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:05,200 market town that will rule for all eternity as the International Community Council. 586 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:06,200 Turnip explained. 587 00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:11,040 I could tell by the way he was sweating when he talked that this dude wasn't the full 588 00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:12,040 shilling. 589 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:16,000 Too much time on social media, chasing the crackhead of Facebook likes that destroyed 590 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:17,000 his mind. 591 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,960 A night out on the lash would have done him the world a good. 592 00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:23,880 It's sad, he and his mates will never appreciate the wrong path they took in life because they 593 00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:27,720 were too busy dressing like dickheads, checking their emails and having conversations. 594 00:35:27,720 --> 00:35:33,000 And they should have been waking up on the wrong side of 15 pints. 595 00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:34,000 Turnip added. 596 00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:37,080 As usual, me and the boys were outnumbered and outgunned. 597 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:40,040 But there's no way we were going to lead the men in beige to the lair of manny from 598 00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,360 the estate. 599 00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:45,920 We were all that stood between the twilight egg and these glorified ice cream salesmen. 600 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:50,120 From school till at all, and in Big Tony's case, the occasional spell inside, our entire 601 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:54,640 lives have been spent fighting bureaucracy, officialdom and nutjobs in pubs. 602 00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:59,240 At times we may not have known what we were fighting for or why, but we got good at it 603 00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:02,760 and that's a lesson these men in beige are about to learn the hard way. 604 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:03,760 Turnip said. 605 00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:07,840 I was about to launch into the first line of the Porgs Waxies Dargol, which we adopted 606 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:11,600 as a fighting song in our youth and which would indicate to Big Tony and Puerto Rico 607 00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:14,080 Paul that time had come for a row. 608 00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:18,880 However, just as I was about to scream Shane McGowan style, someone dressed as a cowboy 609 00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:22,800 and smoking a cigar came to our rescue. 610 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:23,800 To be continued. 611 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:24,800 Awwww. 612 00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:28,880 What's a cowboy doing out at three o'clock in the morning? 613 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:29,880 Find out next episode. 614 00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:30,880 Awwww such a tease. 615 00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:34,640 Might not have been a cowboy, just dressed as one so far. 616 00:36:34,640 --> 00:36:35,640 Aww yeah. 617 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:43,320 We hope you've enjoyed our first compilation of Turnip Tales and obviously full credit 618 00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:47,500 to Tim Butters at the Abogavene Chronicle and Mom the Shabeacon. 619 00:36:47,500 --> 00:36:53,200 You can find links to all the articles in the show blog for this episode at lightlyused.co.uk. 620 00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:57,480 Normal service will resume next episode. 621 00:36:57,480 --> 00:37:02,240 We promise we'll let you know what it was like meeting everyone from Channel 84 in person. 622 00:37:02,240 --> 00:37:05,440 If there was depth, it'll be about two weeks removed from there. 623 00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:09,200 We're probably going to be the very last to let you know about it. 624 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:10,200 Sorry. 625 00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:15,440 And you can find and enjoy our fellow studio Channel 84 network shows, the variety show, 626 00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:21,320 Untitled Trek Show and Who Takes the Socks Off at channel84.co.uk. 627 00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:24,360 Adam and Karen have been lightly used. 628 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:27,520 Visit lightlyused.co.uk for more. 629 00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:48,400 To get in touch, email pod at lightlyused.co.uk. 630 00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:51,920 This was a Studio Channel 84 network show. 631 00:37:51,920 --> 00:38:18,920 To find more, head over to channel84.co.uk now.