I'm going to get some cookies while I pet cookies.
And then we're going to beat an enemy that Gonzo
named cookies. But anyways, this is freaking
Nerds. Nerds. A D &D podcast where five friends
and a computer play Dungeons & Dragons. My name
is Will. I will always be a computer. True. True.
The most robotic of us all. The most robotic
of us all. You just decided to cosplay a little
harder today. He's the most in character. Turn
that filter on. But unfortunately, Mark, since
you're not here, I think we're going to have
to skip you out on the false facts. What do you
think? He's got a good false fact. He's about
to talk some real shit about Nick. He's been
holding on to this one. I'm next to you, so I
will give you a false fact. You're next to me?
I am next to you. So, fun false fact about Nyx.
And I know we talked about his dad in the past,
but we never talked about what he calls, or sorry,
not Nyx, Harun's dad. Oh, okay. We never talked
about Harun's dad, or we did, but we never talked
about what he called him, and it was Dada. Dada?
That's good. Dada, that's hella good. My puns.
Parental unit. That is definitely a false fact.
Mark? Yeah. I'm Mark. I play Arun when Warforged
Monk, kind of a baby. Kind of not in person right
now. My fun false fact about My false fact about
Nix is that he actually has names for every one
of his toes, except for the pinkies, because
they don't do enough for him. You have to give
a false fact. If you'd like to know the names,
I do have them. You wrote them down. Where are
the names? The names are all... but with an extra
D at the end that you actually pronounce. So
it goes David, David, David, as you go down the
line. Incredible. That's a good one. I'm Jalen
playing Nick. A false fact about Franklin is
that there's a secret third sister out in the
mixed. Who's actually... Wait, we have a bard
wizard? Who is a cleric who is actually the best
spellcaster in the whole family. I mean, I'm
not going to confirm nor deny about better and
better spellcasters randomly coming out of this
family. The question is, what would be her name?
Her name would probably be Franklina. Incredible.
Yes. So original. Frankie L to her friends. Hi,
my name is Ben and I'm playing Franklin, the
elder son. Rip Frankie. Rip Frankie. May he never
rest easy. A fun false fact about Yoharis. Little
old man. little you, is that there is a secret
fifth season. But it's not one that's appropriate
for children. Yeah, boy. It's the feral season.
Season of love. It's all nude, if you know what
I mean. I'm out of here practicing transcendental
fucking. Hello, tonight I am, but also will be,
Yulharis Sithrith, your famous Aladrin bastard,
still in his summer form. And a fun false fact
about our good friend Lazagna is that he once
did 77 cartwheels in a row, vomited projectile
-wise, and then everyone clapped. Goddamn right.
Were you there for that? Were you not? In spirit.
It was the talk of the town. If you weren't there,
you'd... I am the town. I am become all. Always
have been. Always have been. All right, Gonzo.
What's your real fact? My real fact is about
Nyx. Uh -oh. Nyx has been around dwarves so often,
he'll actually learn dwarvish just from being
around them so much. There's no way. Yeah. He's
not fluent. He knows enough Dwarvish to get by.
He knows Dwarvish like I know Spanish. I can
pick up three or four words and be like, oh,
that's roughly what you're telling me. It's bar,
alcohol. Oh, no. It's phrases like, your beard
is tickling me. The drunker he gets, the better
he speaks Dwarvish. Dude, you know kitchen Dwarvish.
Why are your toes so hard? The drunker Nick gets,
the more he understands because that's when he
learned Dwarvish when he was drunk. So it's kind
of like, you know, your drug memory, everything's
just coming back to him. Dude, like, real shit.
That's, wow, that's actually it. That's a real
thing. It is. Yeah. I don't know about that.
No, it really is. I need to see some scientific
studies on this. Sure. I'm nothing but anecdotal,
but I've seen this. Dude, I've lived this. Is
that the only point of reference? That is an
anecdote. Straight up, man. Like, every time
that I've been buzzed and I overhear someone
talking in Spanish, I'm like, I can pick up 50
% of that instead of 30 right now. Go ahead,
Gonzo. What? It could have been a number of things.
You could have speak Spanish or just went ahead
with what you're wearing. I almost spat out my
fucking drink, dude. I was like, I'm like, go
ahead with what? I'm like, there's so many different
things. I'm wearing... You know the crazy thing
about improv, Gonzo, is you just go with the
jazz, baby. You know what I mean? You don't ask.
I used to... This is my... I'm wearing my yellow
Garfield socks with Garfield's Odie. It's supposedly
raining cats and dogs as we go. Is it actually
going to rain this weekend? Oh! I'm going to
call bullshit. Also, the yellow socks match my
yellow shirt, which is hilarious. I'm not sure
if you've read it. Yeah. I was there for that.
My mom got me this shirt. It says, it's a Spongebob
shirt. It says, I'm ready for my 50th birthday.
My mom doesn't... read English, so she just saw
Spongebob. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
She did not get you for that. She saw Spongebob
because I like Spongebob. She's the only guy
who got you a shirt with Spongebob on it. What
I'm tripping out on is not that there's a shirt
that, I mean, not that Gonzo's wearing the shirt
that his mom got it to, is that this shirt exists
because somebody somewhere needed a 50th birthday
Spongebob shirt. Somebody fucking needed it.
The thing that also gets me is the fact that,
yeah, you know, your mom might not speak a whole
lot of English, but she knows the number 50.
She just thought it was funny. I could have said
50th anniversary, you know, who knows? I mean,
probably not. I just made it funnier. All right,
so who remembers what happened last time? Take
it away, Will. Go ahead, Will, if you got this.
Who wants that point of inspiration? Do I still
have my inspiration? Well, we were in the middle
of a kidnapping. And we took Baldwin. We were
past the kidnapping part. No, no, no. Because
we were leaving the kidnapping scene as we started.
We're in the smuggling phase of the kidnapping.
We're giving a friend a lift. Right. So we went
to the town. And then after we went to the town,
we got in. We camouflaged Baldwin no problem
because we're fucking pros. And after we went
in there, we needed to find some good clerics.
Found a nice little church. Ran into a bunch
of nice clerics called the Fighting Clerics.
And Nyx had a little 1v1 with their champion
for a goblet. And what we would call... A phone
booth fight inside of a broom closet type of
scenario. All you guys can see is the flashing
golden light. The flashing light of your chest
and of his hammer coming down. And both short
people. Just short people. Flashing lights every
round. Every six seconds you see a big flash.
Scons are so short, people, and now this broom
closet's been downgraded to, like, a pantry door.
Square up. Two went in, one came out. Many such
cases. First rule of fight church, square up
with the priest. In the pantry. But yes, of course,
our champion won, and he got a goblet, a pimp
chalice, as one would also refer to it as. after
that we had a little talk with the assuming the
high level cleric and we discussed with him the
emerald claw situation and I think oh we got
the ring obviously Baldwin is I don't know where
he is or like what's going on with him if he's
still under the suggestion spell if he's cool
with this I think at this point we're past the
suggestion spell or like at the very tail end
but essentially I think we got the ring off of
him and then he was a lot more chill he like
came out of it and then we are just waiting for
the information broker to let us know where to
meet him I think we were pretty much the wife
and kids yes the wife and kids I was meaning
to ask you about that what wife and kids are
you referring to Me? Baldwin's wife and kids.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he has a family. Yeah, he mentioned
that. He did. What happened to those wife and
kids? He don't fucking remember. I think Haroon
knows. Why would I know? Because you're a monster
deep down. But yes, I think that is sort of where
we are at. We have... We have Baldwin. We have
the ring. We need to figure out... We need to
get Baldwin back to Wallace if we can still trust
Wallace, but I think we can. We absolutely can,
yeah. I think that's where we are, though, is
I think we're still at the church and it's nighttime.
That is true. Yeah, so you guys were... Did you
get your point of inspiration, Will? So yeah,
you guys were just getting it off of him to go
out to church. And it is nighttime, so you still
can go back to the cabin because that's where
C .L. Ferrer is. Oh, then we'll write C .L. Ferrer
out later at some point because Bronson probably
won't be returning again. Don't say that. I mean,
we'll see. He's moving to Tennessee. Because
he's the only Miss Ass hippie. Let me pee in
your mouth. What? Friends help friends and don't
ask questions, okay? Guess what? I have inspiration.
Guess what? I'm kissing your mouth. Well, that
would give me even more inspiration. He'll start
singing R. Kelly to you. And then we'll all be
trapped in that closet. No goblin. Part 58. Oh,
God. All right, well. Not sponsored. All right,
so what are you guys doing? So you guys... you
know, can go back and leave him with Wallace.
If you think that's the right idea, um, feel
free. It's still there. Um, well, the problem
is if we don't return him to Wallace, they're
just going to report him as kidnapped and we're
going to be prime suspect, prime primary target
number one. But I also think that if we do return
Baldwin to his security detail, that eventually
people are going to find out that he's no longer
under control of the Emerald Claw. They'll either
put him back under control or they will kill
him. But Yalharis, you are such a great leader
that I think you can convince them that they
need to double their watch. Trip, trip, quadruple
their watch. A pentuple. It's not even a word
and I agree with you. plan was to help escort
him back because we worked with him before to
the train and then from there try to get more
information yeah i mean we we need to use the
train anyway to get back to torch barn right
so um did the uh information broker give me anything
Location -wise, besides the location of this
church? I don't think he has since. Well, he
had given Harun the location on the map. Oh,
right. And that was what was in Sharn, right?
No, it was in town. But you guys were going to
drop him off first and go back in the day to
do it. Okay. I think we need to drop him off
with Wallace and them. That's just my thoughts.
Yeah. Shouldn't take us too long to go back.
I think the trains is a bad idea to take. Why's
that? It might be too high profile. How much
time do we have to literally add by not taking
the trains? Because the trains cut down on time
by a lot. An hour ago, we just saw Wallace. It
was only an hour trek with our cart to Wallace.
So that's your point. Yeah, he should just come
before the sunrise. Yeah. Hit him back up and
drop off Baldwin and then I still think we should
take the train. I think it's the fastest way
to get to where we need to go. We're agreeing
on the same thing. I'm sorry. I thought you were
Livonia. I'm sorry. The DM slapped down. Yeah,
then I think we're all in agreement on the plan.
Then I guess we head back. Yeah. Let's, uh...
Uh, what was the cleric's name again? Gunter.
Gunter, that's right. I don't remember the names
of the people who lose in fights to me. That's
really convenient for Jalen as a person. Yeah,
he just remembers the people he loses to. That's
why he knows his runes so well. Well, uh... Excuse
me. Well, Gota, thank you. Appreciate all the
work you have done. I believe I gave you 10 gold
last time we were here, so I'm not going to do
that again. We appreciate it. Wasn't Gota also
going to send a couple of guys along to basically
watch Baldwin's back? I think so, right? I believe
so. We talked to him about having a couple of
his guys with him. I believe it was that and
also helping him as well with his guards. You
know, putting some of his clerics. That's what
I was kind of thinking. His guys would supplement
the guard for him so he'd just be kind of incognito
guards. Because they're not under control. Alright,
cool. He'll say, I will send word to him and
then we'll make arrangements. Can you hear Gonzo,
Mark? Yeah. I'm for some reason having trouble
hearing Will. Really? Do I need to look towards
you? Do I need to look over towards you? Is that
what it is? Maybe that's what it is, yeah. I
think it's when you're talking to Gonzo, that's
probably what it is. Got it. Also, do we have
a bald one right now? Yes. Uh, okay. Uh, Can
we ask Baldwin for a handwritten note saying
that we're trusted guards? Yeah, I mean, Baldwin's
just, you can ask him. He just says, sure. Yeah,
Harun, you can just talk to him. He's right here,
bud. Well, I didn't know where he was. I think
we're all in the cart. Yeah, you guys are. I
don't expect him to be. All right, he takes it
and he just says, some of my memories come back
to me. He says, you're the ones that were with
me. There was a bartender. I can't remember his
name. Frankie? I think so, maybe. Short guy?
Yeah. He was. Stole your money. Was he stealing
you? No, I don't think he stole your money. Did
this guy? Oh, the picture of Frankie. He pulled
out the picture of Frankie. No, you gave that
picture to me, didn't you? No, I did a picture
of Frankie. Yeah. He gave you the picture of
yourself that he drew, so you're Frank. Oh, that's
right, that's right. But you don't want to look
at it to... Oh, yeah, no, I'm never gonna. Yeah,
he says, yeah, that looks like the guy. Poured
a good drink. Oh, he was a cool dude. Oh, I've
never drank that much in my life. Yeah, unfortunately
you won't ever again. Not until we drag him back
from hell. Well, they tried that, but unfortunately
he wasn't the same. Oh, no, no, that's different.
Yes, he'll scribble on there and he'll sign it
with his name saying that you were part of his
guard force. All right, Harun, you got the note.
Cool. We are guard force F for Frankie. I fucking
knew it. Or B 'nix. We all have to introduce
ourselves as... F 'nix. F 'nix. F 'nix. It's
actually just Lazogna. The F is silent. It would
be Phil Horace, by the way. Alright, let's go
ahead and load up this truck and be on our way.
Truck? Cart, sorry. I think we've been on the
way. Yeah, you guys are on the way. I'm sitting
with my hat tilted to the side all leaned out.
Like, yeah. Just looking like a boss with my
dragon armor. So you're in the front. I'm in
the front. That way anyone who sees I have the
aura of a great warrior. Nix, hit the hydraulics.
He takes the rock and he just presses it so it
stops and he presses it so it goes again. Look
at that. I'm the one steering the cart, you know
that. Gonzo, what's the chances of us getting
into a player hater's ball? Well, now I want
to know where you're going to hold. I actually
rolled a 19. So we get into one. Let's go. Campaign
derailed. But you need a cane to... I got a long
-ass sword that works as a cane. Walk up, I'm
just... Well, Gonzo, if you remember, we discussed
that the pimp chalice, as soon as you hold it,
it actually... A cane comes out the bottom. Let's
talk with it. We have one pimp child's cane,
and so we just need four more canes, right? There's
got to be four blind people. I don't know if
blind people have thought about that in the Forgotten
Realms. I think that's something that they forgot
in the realms. Yo, Harz, roll me a survival check.
Diamonds. You got it. This is good. Alright,
well, that's also plus this. Alright, so... Thirteen.
Okay, yeah. So you, uh... Don't you get advantage
of your favorite terrain? He gets to add his
proficiency bonus. Yeah, I double my proficiency
bonus, so I roll a plus eight. Oh, okay. Thirteen.
Okay, yeah, so thirteen, yeah, you, uh... You
manage to remember your path on the way back,
so not as fast as the first time, but you do
manage to get back in a decent amount of time.
So it takes you about two or three hours to get
back to the cabin. Can we... Would that be like
a short rest? If you're chilling? Yeah, you can
do a short rest. Oh, hell yeah. Okay. Perfect.
Because your harvest is the one that's navigating.
Yes, I would love to do a short rest. That's
a good thing for me as a wizard. That's really
helpful. as a fighter so yeah so after a few
hours you manage to get back uh nicks and franklin
are staring right around you guys are getting
there and uh you see you you go to the barn area
where you were waiting originally uh wallace
and some of the boys are just sitting around
and they see you um they see the cart coming
up and then uh you guys get into the barn and
wallace and some of the boys meet you there and
uh He gestures to the rest of them, like, go
outside for a smoke break. As the rest of the
guards go outside, and Wallace is there just
with you guys. Yaharis, you want to take the
lead on this? I suppose so. He reaches his hand
out to you. Hold my hand while you talk. He hits
his second photo. Soft hand. Like, kiss the ring.
It's their thing. He doesn't even make eye contact
with you. An elven thing, man. You wouldn't get
it. But yeah, no. When he holds out his hand,
I go to shake it and tell him much appreciated
for... And you guys do the secret handshake.
We do the secret handshake. That's right! I totally
forgot about that more. I didn't. I wrote it
down. It's my notes. But we do the secret handshake
and I tell him thank you for your cooperation
in all of this. Just know that there will be
more people accompanying the protection of Baldwin
from here on out. What happened? Well, we did
exactly what we needed to do. Baldwin is going
to be acting a lot more normal from here on forward,
but because of that, it might paint him as more
of a high -priority target. He won't be wearing
his special little ring anymore. And I hope that
you're fine with working around clerics. I have
no doubt that you would be fine with that. Yeah,
I don't mind, but... Different? You mean he'll
be acting like his old self? Like his old self.
He was a kind man before he got into this dealing.
A big grin goes on his face. Hey, um... Baldwin,
first priority should be to get yourself a fake
ring. It's not a bad idea. That's a great idea.
Look, Franklin, this is why you are the smart
man of the group. Has anybody ever told you that?
I've been told that my intelligence is higher
than just about everybody else I've met. So thank
you for confirming that. And we'll chase the
offers there as well, who managed to untie herself.
She said she'll be his bodyguard and help with
the ruse. Does... Ciofra, you should get married.
Well, hold on. Does he even recognize Ciofra?
Because he's had the ring on the entire time.
And he's seen that Ciofra. Yeah, he looks at
her and he says... He just starts to look at
her and he's like, were you the one that replaced
my wife? Oh, no. Yeah, she's your latest honey.
She was kind of keeping a close eye on you for
a while so we could figure out how to get that
ring off. He's like, my memories are choppy.
I just remember bits and pieces. Well, I mean,
I guess if you don't remember Siofra, shit. What
was her name? We all look at each other like...
Wasn't it Sophie or something? Sophie. I don't
think it was Sophie. What did you call yourself?
So Baldwin. One, like I said, get yourself a
copy of that ring so you have that looking out.
I don't know how to tell you this, but for the
time being, you cannot bring up your wife or
kids around people because alternate you cursed
you didn't know them or didn't care about them.
And you're going to have to act like a massive
tool, a dick all the time. Wallace will give
you some guidance, right, Wallace? And he takes
a sip of his flask. You see him just down some
of his flask. Baldwin, I hope you're taking notes.
That's what you need to be doing. Trust in Wallace.
He is the only guy that will be able to protect
you right now. You would never betray him, right?
Inside check. I'm just kidding. I trust him.
Wallace has been with him for a long time. I
don't really care. Both of you were. Both of
you were. We had this discussion where you guys
were like, most of the party, and then we were
like, nah, and you were like, half the party,
and then we were like, nah, and then you were
like, okay, us two. That's 40 % of the party
right there. You know what makes us the strongest
people in this group? It's our willingness to
get shit done. Our unimpassioned love for murder.
Our enemies don't come back. They end when we're
done with them. It's not murder. It is, canonically,
I'm going to say this, preemptive self -defense.
Wallace, we were not going to kill you, okay?
That was never in the books. We love you, Wallace.
I don't imagine that any of that was said in
character, honestly. No, I'm just kidding. It's
totally kidding. Oh, no, I would definitely say
preemptive self -defense in character. Oh, we
know Franklin would. Yeah. Hey, man, why do you
think I keep a bag of shitty knives on me? No,
it's in case he's ever in a pinch, he just turns
the fucking bag of holding inside out and then
a whole bunch of knives just shoot out. I don't
need that kind of crutch. It's for when after
I, you know, preemptively self -defend myself,
I can throw a knife on a guy and be like, he
had a knife. Check out my bag of stabbing. So
that he could just sit here and just have...
Just have like a, just an infinite bag and just
never get to me. It's like the police. He had
a gun. Exactly. No, no, no. I learned this, uh,
back when I was working at the orphanage. Is
that Franklin? Jesus. I mean, it wasn't Ben.
Let's be clear. This is a separate, this is my
character, not me. Sometimes we don't know. Been
grew up in a loving home. You've been getting
pretty method on us. You killed a security guard
just to get into character. Yeah. Nobody investigate
the murders around this area, okay? What'd you
say, Mark? Uh, Wallace, have you met Baldwin's
wife? Yes. I've known him for over 15 years.
When was the last time you saw her? Um, about...
About a year or so when when their son went missing
Yeah, they told me he was missing how long has
he had this ring on the ring what ring He will
also has other like rings he's kind of you know,
you hold up he says which ring he has he buys
new ones every every When did he start acting
strange? You know what I mean, man. Right around
the time his wife went missing. Do you know Baldwin?
Do you know when or where your son went missing
at? Well, in the city. At home. In Sharn? Yes.
Okay. Do you remember when your wife disappeared?
I can't remember when. Can I roll a history check
on those vampires we fought? Mm -hmm. Describe
yourself to us. Talk to Haroon. Give him a detest
catch real quick for me. Well, that's a natural
19 and I don't think I have anything to it. You
remember he was one of the bodies you found.
Fuck! Haroon! By any chance was he wearing glasses?
Yeah. You remember those bodies from the vampires
in the sewers? Yeah. Yeah, there was a kid. And
you said there was a female, too? A woman? Yeah.
You only remember identifying the son, so...
I only remember identifying the son. I pull out
the pair of glasses that I took off of one of
the dead vampires. They're very nice. They're
gold -rimmed, too. I remember that. And I show
them to Baldwin, and I ask, do these look familiar?
Yeah, I got this for my son's birthday. Oh, fuck.
My jaw is on the ground. Good thing you're holding
on to them. Good thing you're showing his dad.
And then he kind of just gets a blank face and
he's like, oh my god. He's like, come here, come
here. And I give him a hug. I give him a good
old southern hug. And he's like, I remember now.
Nix, get the garlic bread. He needs the garlic
bread. Stat. I grab the garlic bread, but I come
from behind to hug him, but since I'm short,
it's like the gist of us. Quick, start ripping
ass! Start ripping ass! It's Baldwin, so you
know he has a big ass. Yeah, Baldwin, I know
you're sad right now, but if you could really
hit this joke hard, it'd be great. I'm gonna
hug him, and then with one arm, just come put
my head there, and then the other arm, try to
reach up, like, here's the bread. We're actually
pretty good vampire fighters now that I think
about it with the amount of garlic bread we have
on us. Well I think there was a few of us that
also had a bunch of holy water as well which
also gave us a really big advantage in that fight.
Nothing quite like garlic holy water. That's
true. They're not ready for this rematch. I was
a ranger last time you thought. And he knew Elvish.
And he knew Elvish, and then the CTE kicked in.
Got angry, forgot languages. Yeah, he had a big
fumble, and now he's a barbarian. Clearly not
related whatsoever. This message brought to you
by the National Football. I do give him the pair
of Golda Kripp glasses, though. Oh, that's nice.
You didn't keep the sunglasses. You didn't keep
the glasses. He didn't keep them. Are we handing
those away? You just see him start crying. Shh,
Baldwin, Baldwin. Kids die, man. I think back
in my head the time that Nyx took those jewels
off those other people's bodies. Oh, shit. I
have that ring and watch on me. The Alden family
crest. Yeah, I'm not taking that up. I think
Frank was, like, legitimately, like, patting
him on the shoulder and saying, kids die sometimes.
But, like, he means it in a comforting way. Like,
hey, I'm just sharing some fundamental truth
with you right now. It's the tone. Yeah. Yeah,
it's the tone difference. That's, I think, that's
what made the difference. Oh, yeah, right, right.
Baldwin, kids die all the time, man. There you
go. There you go. And then I kind of rub his
face a little bit, like, just the side, like,
just like, shh, fuck up, bud. There you go. You
can always make more. Fuck it. And Nick goes,
all right, guys, we need to make time. Can I
pull out the rubber? Guys, we're running out
of time. Shut the fuck up. I'm waiting for Haroon
to pull out, like, hey, look, here's this mask
I made of this lady's face. Does this look like
your wife? I made her into a fucking skin mask.
Does he even look up from crying so much? Well,
he's crying and then he's, well, Nix is like
shorter than him so he's kind of already looking
down and he sees Nix pull it up and he says,
is that my, is that my son's watch? That's just
a watch I found. I found this watch. There's
an inscription in there but it's a language you
can't read. You can't read it. Is it Elvish?
He's gotta be close enough to read it. Well,
he can't read it. Wait, real quick. Is it a language
Harun would know? Harun, do you know Elvish?
I know Elvish. Do you know Elvish, Harun? No,
I don't think Harun knows Elvish. Yeah. Did you
say that in character? No, I didn't. Alright,
I show it to Harun. I try to snatch it. I will
fight against that. Alright, roll me a sleight
of hand. Show them rolls. What do I roll? You're
going to roll a dex save. Oh, fuck. Dex save?
Or do you think this is an athletic maneuver?
Well, you can see them, so you get an advantage
over dex save, right? Oh, yeah, that's true.
I think this one is raging. Nope. No, it's just
a flat. Fuck. Dope. Thank you for saying that,
because one roll was a 5, the other one was a
19. I got you. Harun, what did you get? Mine
was a 13. Plus Dexo, 21. Yeah, you see Harun
go to Sancho, but you're just too alert for him.
You're too sober for this. You're like, uh -uh.
Got that danger sense. Saw Harun going for it,
and his spidey sense went off, and he's like,
nah. Harun is going to look at Nick's. and uh
franklin and he's just gonna say you need to
stop what am i doing i'm just trying to keep
us on time he's gonna say a little bit more firmly
you need to stop i guess no one cares what time
you run on put it away i put it back into my
pockets take a little bit of fame, but I also
have. What'd you say? He's gonna try to comfort
Baldwin. Oh, okay. Haroon knows empathy. He learned
empathy. Just for this moment. Don't you know
empathy already? No, he knows empathy. When Frankie
died, when he found that emotion. He doesn't
know sadness, but he knows empathy. He knows
empathy. He'll be like, alright, suck it up,
buttercup. We gotta get on this train. I was
going to say, I think this is now a discussion
on Wallace. Where do you think you guys are going
to be heading? He says, sir, do you want to continue
with the rails or do you need to reassess? He
says, I think I need to go back home. I need
to go home. Put the PCs on themselves. The NPCs
on themselves. Let them talk on themselves. themselves.
Gonzo, comfort yourself. Come here, big boy.
Yes, daddy. Dear Lauren. Ryan liked it a little
too much. No! Baldwin puts on the glasses. When
we eventually start to travel, can I sit with
Baldwin and have him describe his wife and child
to me and see if I can do a drawing? Oh. Yeah,
go ahead and roll me a performance roll. Guidance.
I will cast guidance. You said performance? We
talked about this. Performance is not the thing
to do for this. I don't know if I can get you.
I'm going to go with performance. Slide of hand,
yes. What did he say? Slide of hand? Yeah, slide
of hand I think it ended up being. Let's see.
And I get a bonus because of the because of the
Let's see. So that's 15 plus 17. Nice. Was that
with guidance? No, not without. I didn't do guidance.
I said guidance. Yeah, I was covering him. So
21. Nice. You managed to draw out his wife and
son in detail. The son looks just like the body
you had seen. The wife doesn't look like one
of the ones that you had found in the sewers.
The wife doesn't, it doesn't look like one of
the ones I found in the sewers? No, but the son
does. Does the wife look familiar to any of us?
Not to any of you. Actually, roll me a history
check, see if you guys would know. Alright. Got
it. Um, I got, with my pluses, I got three, so.
Twenty -seven. What? Jesus, I got a fifteen.
I got a twelve. Hey man, it's an intelligence
check, baby. I'm good at some things here. So
yeah, you, uh, You know that was his original
wife that he was married to because you obviously
heard of the family, so you know that she was
the matriarch of the family, so they've been
married for like 20 -something years. Did I know
anything, though, outside of her and Baldwin's
relationship about her? She just comes from another
royal family, so she just also comes from money.
Okay. Got it. So just another socialite. Well,
what do you guys think? Should we get back, get
to the you -know -who? Yep. Back in... Flame
keep. Let's do it. And then we'll figure out
our way forward from there. Yeah. Baldwin does
say... What do you want for that watch? What
do you got? 20 ,000 gold. Yeah. He takes off...
He has a... He takes off a ring from his pinky.
and says, I'll trade you for this. I look over
at Franklin. What's the value? I was going to
say, identify, detect magic. Can I hit it with
an identify? It's not magic, but it's a ring.
It has these purple gemstones in it. It's worth
a lot of money, but it's not magic. From a quick
guesstimate, is it worth more than the watch?
Yes. I look at Nick's and I can just give him
a little subtle nod. Alright, then here you go.
Then I trade him. Before I do it, I hand him
the watch. And when he goes to grab it, I hold
on to it until I get the ring in hand. He takes
it off. He puts it in your hand. It has three
purple gemstones in it. Alright, I let go a moment.
It's in my hand. the watch. Not a second fucking
before. I got a guy. He like pulls onto it looks
at it squints at it like yeah I think this is
good. He pulls out a fucking jewelry loop and
everything. Yeah but he's holding the watch in
one hand so where does he pull the jewelry loop
out of? With his foot. That's the beauty of magic
I just went touched it and went oh yeah that
was nice. Not magic but I can tell. Take. Nice.
All right, I guess we lose. Let me remove it
from my inventory. Yeah, so now you have a fancy
ring you can wear just to be, you know. To help
my pimp energy. Make sure to put that on. Yeah,
make sure it's shining on the pinky ring for
the pimp hand. Yes. Yeah, like you thought it
was going to be a little too big because you.
I got those warrior fingers. Yeah, you got bigger
hands, so your hands are about equal size. Now
he has a pinky ring. No more gold watch. He's
going to find the cheetah print jacket of self
-protection. Oh my god. The purple hat with the
feather. He's got the wolf feather. That is true.
I have it in my inventory. I have my pimp chalice
and now I'm adding my purple pimp ring. Purple
pimp pinky ring. Purple pimp. Let me edit that.
The PPP. PPP. The Zoot suit of charisma. With
my fur coat. Hell yeah. I'm just missing the
cane. And the hat. It kind of works too, just
underneath his jacket. He's not wearing a shirt,
so it's just over his body. That's Big Daddy
Nicks coming through. Do you have a purple hat
with a feather? What can I trade you, Haroon?
What was that? What can I trade you for that
hat? Um, you know, maybe common decency? I give
Haruna high five. If Vix looks at me after that
at all, I'm like shaking my head in code and
cross my head. No, it's not worth it. It's too
high a price. Sell, sell, sell. We can get a
better deal. just say, just stop being a dick.
And then he's just gonna pull out that jewel
-encrusted hat and just give it to you. I wasn't
trying to be a dick. This is who I am. And fuck
less. Damn, Haroon. Haroon learned savagery.
Boom. Roasted. Haroon is a baker. She roasted
me. If you say that you'll try, he'll also hold
up a steel mirror that he has so you can check
yourself out. Dope. Okay, I put the hat on. I
tilt it a little bit. I have the ring and I have
the chalice in my hand. And I'm going to rest
one arm on my plus three sword and I'm just going
to be chilling. Hell yeah. And then he pulls
out Baldwin's son's favorite teddy bear. He's
tossing his butt off. That's fucking terrible.
I do have his son's tooth, though. Oh, my God.
I did say that I didn't pull it out. Well, that's
not the son he wants to see. And I have his foreskin.
It was a vampire fang. I decided, oh, I'm going
to take his glasses and a tooth because I killed
him. You didn't go for an adult vampire? Not
judging, honestly. He was of age. We weren't
strong enough. Yeah. Okay. He wasn't like a child.
He was like, oh, this is just my adult son. Yeah,
he was like a, you know, like young for an elf.
Franklin, realizing that Baldwin's crying over
an adult child, looks at him with a little bit
like, oh, okay. I thought we were crying over
children here. Like, that's a grown -ass man.
I was out of the house by eight. What the fuck
is this? But I was back by four. What was his
wife's name? You could ask him, Harun. He's saying
right here. What's your dad's name? I could have
sworn to the ass last time, but I can't remember
what it said. I don't have my book in front of
me. We're going to call her Barbara. That's my
mom's name. Hell yeah. That's my grandmother's
name. We're going to call her a different name,
then. If we say something fucked up, we don't
know about her new name. Brumilda. Oh, shit.
That's my mom's name. Her name is Broomhilda.
I'm pretty sure you also would have mentioned
it during the drawing thing. Did he? Oh, I didn't
give her a name. I'll give her a name. I'm pretty
sure you didn't just keep saying your wife, and
he's like, oh, my wife. I feel like he'd be like,
oh, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, he gave her a name.
They called her Martha. Martha, Martha, Martha.
Martha. I love Martha Stewart, though, so I feel
bad. Martha? Yes. She's going to show up later
and she's going to be a real G. Oh, yeah. She's
going to have a hard time. She did do a hard
time. Respect to her. I would love to do prison
with Martha Stewart. I don't know if I want to
do prison. She had the best jail ever. Or jail
food ever. Did I tell you guys that when my uncle
was put into prison, his cellmate was Chris Brown
for a couple months? oh shit cause my uncle was
a cop so in prison in LA they separate cops celebrities
and sex offenders yeah so since he was in protected
custody his roommate his cellmate was Chris Brown
for like three months did he ever say that Chris
Brown was doing dance moves inside his cell no
but my cousin my cousin got a prison letter from
Chris Brown oh shit he leaves it on his wall
and everything shit hey respect though there
is so much happening I'm losing track So anyway,
let's go to Flame Keep. Hey, Baldwin. You say...
I don't know. Stay fresh. I give him my tweeter
number. I think props to Mark because he came
up with that last episode. My tweeter number,
which allows me to communicate with him. If anything
happens, you let me know, and a bird will fly
this to me. Was it Sophie? I remember it being
Sophie. I do remember Sophie. It probably was
Sophie. I remember very early on in this campaign,
it was something way different. Because he has
different names or different... Different aliases,
so who knows? I'll say Sophie for now. So she'll
be there to kind of help with the ruse. Oh, yeah,
that's true. And in parting, we'll hit you up
if we find any other kids. Peace. We'll come
back with your other kids piece by piece. Bit
by bit, we'll bring them back to you. We already
have one piece, so. The one piece is real. Baldwin
does say, are you guys leaving or are you guys
spending the night? We're leaving. We will be
leaving. Well, hold on. How rude. Oh, shit. Mark's
aware. The information broker, Franklin, you
said that he would get in contact with us, right?
How'd he get in contact with you before? Was
it through the map? It was the mail. The mail?
Dead -eyed look at you? Yeah. You said that he
talked to you in your head last time, though.
Yeah, yeah. Postal service, you know. Oh, okay.
They're efficient as fuck. Alright. The FRPS,
the Forgotten Realms Postal Service. This isn't
the Forgotten Realms. Is that right? Yeah, the
EPS. Yeah, but aren't we on the Forgotten Realms?
No, that's literally another world. I thought
that was all D &D realm. We got a spot to be
at. To meet the information. Oh, okay. As this
letter says in a minor allusional letter, and
it just disappears. Nix, Wallace grabs your shoulder,
and he says, thanks for getting the ring off
of him, and he hands you his flask, like, would
you like a drink? Hell yeah. Remember, this is
the bottomless one, so. Yeah, I keep going until
I can't. Alright, roll me a con save. It's been
a minute and he still hasn't taken a breath yet.
I got a one and a two. Perfect. You choke on
that bitch. Because you forgot how to breathe.
You see him, he's starting to do a little bit
of tricks and then he just starts choking and
throws up on himself. Harun needs to give you
Heimlich to get all the water out. Harun's getting
you and you just puke. Nyx has done waterboarding.
It's waterboarding with alcohol. It's all bad.
I'm going to put my hand on Nyx's head and say,
you really got to stop, man. That was just a
bad try. And then he's like, why do I know Dwarvish?
It's all coming back to me now. Yeah, when I
say it was a bad try, it's like whatever, instead
of Spanglish, but like Dwarvlish. So it's like
Dwarvish and common mixed together. Franklin
climbs in the cart. Does anyone speak Dwarvish?
No. Then you guys are just like, what the fuck?
You don't really have what he was saying. He
sounds really fucking drunk. You just think he's
drunk as shit. Yep, took the words right out
of my mouth. And I'm going to go to the cart.
I'm going to start revving her up. I'm going
to slowly walk to the cart while trying to get
my breath back. Wallace looks at you and says,
he gives you one last secret handshake, and then
he says, I will do my best to keep him alive
and safe. I have no doubt in my mind that you
will succeed, but also keep your wits about you.
No doubt that they're going to use more of their
little undead envoys to try and seek him out.
You will have that extra protection, but that
doesn't mean that they won't throw their full
force at you. I expect a lot. Be safe, my friend.
And then he reaches and then... Would you like
one last drink? I appreciate the offer, but knowing
where it has been, I think I will abstain. You
just caught a little bit of vomit back inside
of it. Yeah, y 'all don't backwash, right? And
the crazy thing is, since it went back in there,
now it's always endless backwash. Infinite vomit
flask. Which is my band's name. Alright. You
guys coming to the cart? Let's go. I went from
holding my pimp stance in the cart to fetal position
getting my breath. He went to his limp stance.
You see him arms and legs spread out like he's
trying to balance himself while laying down.
He's just like, fuck. Sweet summer boy. He's
trying to get his equilibrium back. Been there.
Do you need some cold water? I just need to fucking
breathe. I'm going to breathe on you. I'll check
to see how you navigate this cart and see how
Nix handles it. Nix, just focus on the rocking
and rolling of the cart here. As we roll down
this nice... Have you ever seen a dog in a van
before? This is where the hide frogs really come
back to fuck you. That's 26. Nice. You're just,
like, holding on for dear life, and you're like,
oh, that's actually pretty much too bad. I am
going to look back over at Nix and say, you are
so lucky I'm nice. God bless you. I jerked the
cart just a little bit when he says that. I was
going to offer you hooch, asshole! Just a little
bit. I'm going to kind of look up while we're
moving around and just do a quick perception
check and make sure, you know, nobody's looking
at us. watching us from afar. I see one. Sorry.
Oh, it's okay, Gonzo, because it's a natural
one. Oh, yeah. Where were you saying, Merc? Siafra's
alias was Cyan. Cyan. Sylvie was a different
one she did in the car. That's what I was thinking
about. So yeah, Selfie was one of the ones he
had a different time when he was trying to trick
him. We'll say Cyan is with Baldwin and she's
going to go out with him to be his personal protection
slash part of his ruse to help him. The entourage.
Seems like an even better deal for Siafra because
now she definitely doesn't have to worry about
having to fuck Baldwin. I don't know. He just
lost his tongue. Nixon's like, you might need
to pick me up. Nixon's just sitting there and
then he gets that thought and he gets mad. No,
I'm happy because he doesn't have to. Yeah, you're
right. You're like, you want to defile my woman.
I have mixed feelings about her. I don't want
to say my woman. You have mixed feelings. Mixed
feelings. It's actually Yohar's woman. They have
a love -hate relationship. He's got a portrait
of Yohar's that Harun did. He's like, every lady
he's with, can you just hold this in front of
your face for me, please? Don't say anything
at all. Trust me, it works better that way. Does
anybody else want to give a perception check
a try? I would be feeling too shitty to try.
I guess I'll be sitting out and looking. I got
a 13. Are we on the cart? Yep, we're rolling
back already. Yohar is strapped to the front
of our cart or something in the neighborhood.
No, he's going. You said you were doing a pretend
check? Yeah. 13. Yeah, so far it looks pretty
clear. It's getting towards, like, early morning
now. You're seeing some other carts, like, going
through, but it looks like just other carts for,
like, hauling, like, grain and other sort of
stuff to the market, but none of the ordinary.
Mm -hmm. You go. And then if anybody else wants
to make perceptions as well, they can make perception
checks. You know what? I'll go ahead and do that.
I'll check. 14 for me. Yes, I think you just
see a bunch of carts that are walking through
like there's people that looks like just different
stuff to sell more trade Yeah, mine was 11 Yep,
don't think you just saw rain livestock stuff
like that Yes, you guys are going how rude do
you remember we're on the map you're supposed
to go Think you heard there's a mark on it. Yep.
Oh, yeah, so you pull it out and then uh Yeah,
you see a mark in the middle of town I do see
mark he's right there But uh, I Guide the way.
Oh, yeah the hardest when he he starts pointing
a spot and He's like, the mark, and you don't
see anything. You see him pointing a spot, but
there's no mark or anything on there. Harun,
what are you talking about? I mean, it's right
there. I thought you were good at looking at
things. You need to get your eyes checked. He
doesn't have eyes. I just have my eyes open and
just tap on him. What? I'm still worried too
much about it. If he says something there, let's
just at least check it out. That's where we need
to go. Yeah, so I go on and bring the cart over
to where it is. Does the cart fit through the
city, or do we have to park it in a little thing?
No, these streets are big, so. Ah, sweet. Is
there a parking lot? Just pull it up. You have
to pay for parking here. UPS. Pull it up like
a UPS truck on a street. But like only but only
some like some of the as you go deeper to city
like the roads are a little more paved But as
you get out, you know, it's dirt and then you
get some cobbles down and some other stuff So
you get as you get towards the deeper part of
town You'll see the roads start getting a little
smoother and the the area on the map Brings you
to a marketplace. So there's buildings and the
spot you're looking at is empty. It's just like
an alley between two buildings I think we've
been through this a few times now. It's usually
like this, ain't it? I'm gonna have my owl try
to point me at the door, find the door. I'm just
gonna go up and just start touching it like a
blind man would to try to find the door. Yeah,
you, uh... Your owl... You see your owl perch
on top of, like, nothing in the middle of the...
There it is. There it is. Let's go. it looks
like he's just kind of floating in the air he's
gonna go and try to go open the door yeah as
you step closer then you see like the black building
appears of course creepy every time I hop off
the cart honk it twice to make sure it's locked
and then uh go on and follow everybody else in
uh I want to rush in ahead and just be like,
oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Before the root
tries to get in. He's going to do the thing.
He's going to do the thing. I'm going to try
to cast my magical awareness before anything
happens, which is essentially tech magic. The
whole building is lit up. It's like you're blinded.
Yeah. It's like turning on a light in a dark
room. You walk, like, the entire building's glowing,
you're just, fuck! It's like night vision goggles
and a... As soon as you step in, all the lights
kind of just go away, and you're like, alright.
Alright. But he, yeah, so you guys all walk in,
and it's just black, and then you turn around,
and there's a desk with the figure behind it,
and he says, oh! Welcome back. Now, Gonzo. Yes.
What color is the figure? The figure, so it looks
like it's kind of like translucent, but it looks
like different colors and shades kind of going
in and out. How does he look with my detect magic?
Your detect magic doesn't work. You just shut
off? As soon as you walked in, the magic cut
off. That's part of me. Try to use magic. I am
magic. So, Nyx dies. I am a wild magic rubber,
and I am inherently magical. To you, it looks
like a glowing energy, but you can't really gauge
a look on it. It's kind of like a fractal. So
when I said this was a black mysterious figure...
I sort of wasn't wrong because everything else
was black and he is translucent. Yeah, and he's
kind of just shifting. He sounds like a translucent
mysterious figure. I'm just trying to, you know.
I think he's explicitly not black. Oh, Jalen,
Justin had some of his friends coming over and
they invited another friend and they're like,
oh, his name is Julyan. So I was like. That's
not a white name. And I was like, is he Mexican
or he's black? I was like, okay. I was like,
it's not a white name. And then he came over
and I was like, yeah, we got some sodas. What
kind of sodas you got? We got orange, we got
grape. And I turned and he's like, fuck you,
I'll take a grape. Grape's the best. Just so
we're clear, the two people that... made that
joke, we're not white. Just so we're... We are
both brown men. Good catch, Will. We're safe.
Hey, English is my first language. Well, I was
going to say it like Gonzo saying, that's not
a white person. Well, yeah, I'm not a white person,
so... If you could believe it. Oh, yeah. With
a name like Gonzalo. Dude, anytime I'd be at
work, like, anytime I'd be like... Nah, I wouldn't
even say Mexican. Anytime someone that spoke
Spanish would come in, they would see my name,
and they would just start talking to me in Spanish,
and be like, you gotta speak Spanish for that
name. Dude, you should wear, um, Nick should
pull out all his, all his pimp stuff, really,
and put it on your best friend. Yeah, oh, shit,
that's true. That's true. I got my diamond -encrusted
hat that Haroon just gave me. I got my pimp ring.
I'm holding my pimp cup. Uh... You still have
your tie? You still wear your tie belt? Yep,
still wearing my title belt. How hard would it
be to get him a magical grill? A grill? Propane
or charcoal. Well... Fucking yes. That's a good
one right there. Yeah, that's my mission now.
We gotta deck you out. We need to create a mythical
armor set that is the pimp suit. Get me a magic
curl. I walk up anywhere. What's up, baby? Hey,
what up, baby? Get you a fat chain. You're getting
bonuses against wenches. Walk into every bar.
What up, folks? When he closes his mouth, it
just smells of nicks and diamonds. It's like,
what's your name? He just closes his mouth and
just... Alright, so we're in the info broker's
office. Jesus Christ, I forgot where we were
there. Yes, information broker. He was stunned
by my pimpness. Yes. Oh, shit. Sorry. You gotta
explain what you just did there, Ben. Oh, I just
realized I really had a brainwave. Be Ben, the
person. Pimp is a four -letter word. As hand.
You can tattoo across your fingers pimp on one
hand and hand on the other. And you can always
be keeping your pimp hand strong. Well, which
one's the pimp hand? Both. He's ambidextrous.
Or you can just do pimp on both hands. Nick's
gonna give it to you. Nick's gonna give it to
you. You're absolutely right. I'm gonna get you
a shirt with a fat X on it. Hell yeah. All right.
All right. Information broker. That all played
out in character in front of the information
broker. We got way sidetracked. Did I end up
with the ring after? I think so. You had to roll
a wisdom saving throw. Yeah. So I pull out the
ring and I'm like, we're here for our reward.
And he says, Deal's a deal. He said deal's a
deal. And then you're holding it in your hand
and then you look over and it's in his hand now.
He's like, I can't believe you got it. You should
put it on. Why would you do that to the guy who
has a mystical house that transports us? I mean,
I just want to see what happens if he puts it
on. He will fucking kill us, Lazagna. Is he not
strong enough to handle the rings to resist against
the ring? I say that out loud in character. He
holds it and he just says, I can't wait to play
with this. And then he just closes his hand and
it's gone. And he looks at you and he says, well,
for your reward, I figured a fair trade, a ring
for a ring. And he says, well, he looks at Franklin.
Franklin, you're the leader of this group, so
you'll... I was going to say, I voted Harun before.
I think Harun voted, because everyone voted for
themselves, except for you also voted for Harun,
so Harun wins by having two votes. Horace has
just the most stank looking face right now. And
I win by virtue of the information broker. I
did win. Yeah, I think that's literally how it
went out. Everyone voted for themselves, except
for me. You see him trying to stroke a non -existent
beard so he just sounds like metal scratching
metal? Nick, vote for me. You can be my enforcer.
All you gotta do is drink and kill. No responsibility.
Ben, roll me a d12. Roll it. Guidance. The clear
one. Guidance on a d12? Alright, so... So you
pull out of this like so you reach into like
a box and you pull out a ring of feather falling
So when you follow her in the screen you can
descend 50 feet so you take so you pretty much
just catch the other fall while you're wearing
the ring Cool Is there anything that's a lot
cooler than that? You don't know. No, Gonzo,
you know. Yeah, and I'm asking you. No, no, it
doesn't have to be Locular. Is there anything
besides a Feather Fall Ring? There is. Okay,
then I would like to use my Inspiration Ring
because as a wizard, a Feather Fall Ring doesn't
do much. Yeah, I was going to say, I think Mark.
That's another two. Oh, I use my Inspiration
Ring. They're all different dice. That was both
different dice. Here, here's my D12. I got, I
got, Ryan has the best D12. Thank you. If it's
a two. It's a seven. Lucky number seven. I cast
seven. You can cast P -O -W. Prisoner of War.
What the fuck? P -W -K. Was this man stuck in
Korea? I pulled out a goblin. You get the ring
of protection. I'll take a ring of protection.
Come on. Let me get that. So you gain a plus
one to your AC and see who throws a ring. Hell
yeah. Information. Can I get one of those? Did
you just call him information? AyoInfo. AyoInfo.
Let me get one of those. You hear all that in
your head. Damn it. I have a question. Yes. He
said yes. Can you tell me what this is? And then
I hold up the vial, which is the sample from
the goo people that we fought. That's a good
one. We love goo. Do you love gooning? There's
no in in what I said. Remember the ship in the
sky that they all turn to goo? Yep. The goo in
the sky keeps on turning. He says, I can tell
you what it is. For a price. I don't have a lot
of money. How much do you want? You don't have
to owe me money. How much would we be spending
for this? You could owe me a favor. I'm asking
in cold hard gold. If you owe him a favor, Harun,
and we wouldn't take on a favor to get instantly
transported to Shard, I'll have some problems
right about now. That was unacceptable. That's
a totally acceptable excuse to get us teleported
across the map. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Harun has
a question. So, information broker. Sorry, just
to get your heart. Is this how much? Do you have
anything to trade? I mainly have cold hard gold.
And he says, well, how much gold would you be
offering? 1 ,000. Just to know what this goo
is, we found it on one of our old fleet ships
and have been taken over by people made out of
this substance. The ship that was holding these
people, we recognized that ship and we actually
fought alongside with, them during the war. They
were a part of our air coverage. Yeah, which
is very concerning to us of what happened to
the people on that ship. He says, I'll accept
that trade as he takes your gold and then he
says, you see him open it and he just pours it
out as he just kind of runs his hands through
and it just kind of fades away into his hands.
And he says, this is something that is unnatural.
It was created by some sort of magic against
nature itself. That bitch. It might very well
be that same bitch. He says it looks like at
one point this was made of transmutation. This
was a creature at some point. Could have been
an elf, could have been a dwarf, or could be
an amalgamation, but it looks like it's different
DNAs blended together. This is definitely the
doing of that bitch from the forest. I think
she's making an army of these. So, quickly, above
table here, us here, what's our next move in
this situation? Because we've kind of done the...
We did the ring just now, right? We don't have
a solid next thing. Are we trying to hunt down...
This witch lady? Are we going to go to Sharn
to do something there to jack shit up? Like,
what's our next move? I mean, I think that was
our main objective was to get the ring off of
Baldwin. Yeah. So I guess we are at the point.
Let's see what he has to say, and then if anything,
we could probably try to get some information
on where she could be. Yeah, I think that's how
I kind of always understood it. Our next move
was Sharn thinking we might run into her on the
path. Because I remember she's something involved
with the whole thing. Yeah, she's definitely
involved in the whole thing. But yeah, I think
we do need to make our way back to Sharn depending
on the next moves. We'll see. Yeah, it could
also be to our advantage. If she is involved
and she is a problem, take care of the problem
early before it gets worse. Yeah, exactly. We
can handle that bitch. Could you tell us if Baldwin's
wife is alive? Actually, before you answer that,
how many questions do we get? You can ask as
many as you want. Okay, cool. It depends on what
you're willing to trade for. Hold on, with the
thousand gold that y 'all harvest just offered.
That was for exchange for finding that information
out. That's a deal he struck with me. So, we
know that this is an amalgamation, as you said.
of many different creatures put together, are
you able to trace a location per chance of where
it could have been created and what kind of magic
was used in order to do this? Well, it was definitely
used with some sort of druidic magic. Ah. But
as far as the place, it looks like it was gathered
from materials all over the plains. Understood.
Well, that confirms who... We thought it would
have been, so I'd say that's money well spent.
Does that money carry over to Maroon's question?
That feels like one question. Unfortunately,
as the man said, it was just for figuring out
who did the goo. Now, you mentioned the materials.
Are you able to, not to kind of get super scientific
with it, I guess, but is there possibly a material
in there that she's using that is more rare?
Something traceable. Exactly. You know, maybe
she's close by that because it's more rare in
that area. This requires dark, evil, powerful
magic. From the Mournland? And you hear a giant
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding throughout the room.
God fucking damn it. Roll me history check. See
if you remember. See if you remember. I'm not
going to use that dice. Just what you remember
from the war about the war. See what you remember.
Ooh, 16. You can really restrict you if you want.
17. Let's pull this bad boy out. What about her
first question about the wife? The wife? Oh,
he said for a price. For a price. 19. I got a
14. I have a 14 as well. He said 19. 19. You
said both of you 14? 14. Yeah, so you remember
for the price. I rolled a 15. Nice. And then
a 6. Yeah, so most of you remember that stories
and some of you who were close to the action
in the morning remember seeing not just people
but other creatures affected by this that were
warped and mutated and transformed even the nature
around itself. The trees got warped. Everything
was affected by the magic. So you figured that
maybe this is where she's making it. Where she's
harnessing the powers of my home. That kind of
makes sense. That's where she'd be hiding out.
Easy access to all sides of the continent. All
parts of the continent. Somewhere that we can't
really go. She can go there. That means she has
a way to protect herself against the land itself.
Or she's just very strong. For the magic in the
moorland... Do I know if that actually just automatically
turns you if you go in there, or if it's just
dangerous because of the things that are already
in there that are warped and fucked up? Roll
me an arcana check. See how well you'd remember
this. Wait, this is... It's going to be 27. It
doesn't matter. The legend 27. So you've heard
tales of different people going in and out of
it, so... You don't know if it's a time frame,
but you've seen people go in and out and not
be affected. Okay. Because we've come close to
it in the war. Yeah. Yeah, we've came close to
the area. I remember stories of people going
in and out. Well, someone might have a map of
part of it. Yeah. Well, he unfortunately doesn't.
Oh, wait, he does remember that. Does he? Do
you remember the Moorlands? Yeah, he remembers.
He rolled a six. Oh, he rolled a six. Fuck. He
remembers he has a map. I was going to say, deep
in his subconscious he remembers. Just currently.
I think that turning to the information record,
actually before I say, do you have an idea of
where she would most likely be at? Whether or
not you have actual information. What would be
the best staging area for her? Somewhere to start
looking from. If I were someone looking for guinea
pigs, where would you look for first? Several
close to a lot of villages. You want commoners.
Low -level commoners that people won't notice.
Yeah. Lots of orphanages. Hard struck by the
war, I think. If somebody were to ask me, you
know, where to find a lot of... Places nearby
the moorland, possibly? Because... That or...
Isolated places. Like that rural town that we
went to initially. But she would need a lot more
test subjects than that all at once for a base
to stay at. Well, the rural town that we had
encountered used to have a thriving population.
That's also significantly north of the Mournland,
though. Well, she just had an entire battalion.
Or what do you call a cruise ship? Like a ship
that's on a fucking ship. Right, right. But with
an airship like that, I'm sure she's able to
travel quickly. So I think she's going to want
something local, though. Well, you're a druid,
right? Yeah. How do druids travel? Trees. I mean,
well, Lasagna doesn't have that yet, but he's
seen it. You'd know, right? Yeah, I'd know of
it. Do you know Lasagna? I think your particular
downside of a druid might be our benefit. I think
it might be time to burn some trees. Ooh, forest
fires? I don't know. Here's the thing. I've really
been teetering with my god recently. That whole
kidnapping thing, I don't know if that really
put me in a good place. If I can recall some
teachings from... What's your god's name? R -O
-A. From R -O -A. I remember teaching specifically
from R -O -A. And if I remember right, it said...
What are they the god of? Forest fires. If I
remember right, they assume the shape of a bear.
Okay, right. And I think they point at you and
they say, only you can start wildfires. All right.
Which would explain a lot now that I think back
on those teachings I remember. It would explain
a lot about Chibisago. Also, it wasn't a kidnapping.
We were doing a good thing. In the eyes of Coralon,
we are still worthy. Look, in the eyes of our
god, yes, we were probably in the right, but
in the eyes of the law, we kidnapped somebody.
The law is always wrong. Law does not equal morality.
Slavery is legal. You're right. Did you see all
those people that were enslaved? What do you
mean, those people? The undead? Those aren't
people. Yeah, go ahead and defend the rule of
law. I'm just saying, you know, I've been teetering
a lot with my alignment. Well, if I could remind
you of another teaching of our way, it's... uh
come to the dark side it's really it's it's interesting
like i heard a lot from my dad about my father
about uh uh roa and he has never said anything
about that about roa i just happen to know a
little bit of the darker side of roa oh okay
the back side of the bible yeah hey you gotta
read in reverse in your in your head you always
say you in your head you you just hear you can
always draw power from a different source What
the fuck is saying that? Lazagna thinks it's
going crazy. It sounds like the same voice as
the information broker. Oh, okay. Well, you could
have said that. I don't think that we necessarily
need to be burning down entire forests, but targeting
maybe specific trees that she would fancy. That's
how you clear out the underbrush. It's a healthy
forest thing. Unfortunately, it's not necessarily
trees that she might fancy. You could teleport
to really any tree that you've seen. Well, a
druid has to have a favorite kind of tree. My
mother, she was literally able to just think
of a tree in a forest and then she would just
go to it. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah. He's on board.
It's like a mental connection. If we have come
into contact with that tree, we just have a connection
with that tree. It's got to be exhausting. We're
just one with the people. Or the earth. If you
can step outside of people, that'd be fun. Anyway.
Babies do that all the time. Yeah. Gross. It's
different when a full -grown man does it. So,
information broker, sorry that you had to see
that. Where's the very obvious place where she
would be? I can't think of it. What's the two
-for -one deal? Can we get Haroon's question
answered and that question answered for, let's
say, $1 ,500? How many dwarves does Nyx have
to sleep with? I'll sleep with 12 dwarves if
you need me to. You can do that regardless. Give
your hand in negotiation. I'm not negotiating.
I paid my price. My question is just a yes or
no so it should be cheaper. He says we can do
the how about this? You do me a favor and I'll
answer your questions. We've been doing a lot
of favors for your information. At this point,
we might as well be employees. Let me just pay
you. Might as well be on payroll. Yeah, let's
just pay you. Whichever you're wrong with my
life. Can the errand be to take out the witch?
I feel like that's a win -win. You also come
up if she's dead. He says the next time you...
He's like, I'll take the $1 ,500. And next time
you see one of these creatures, keep one of them
alive for me. Cool. Wait, that and 1500? I look
at Frankie. Yeah, that's cool. Oh. And then I
kind of rub my thumb across my neck. Yeah, that's
cool. I wing it the information broker for no
reason. He turns to Harun and says, yeah, she's
still alive. Well, it's a good thing you didn't
pay anything for that, because we already knew
that. Hey, she has to... No, we didn't. We haven't
killed her in our travels yet, so... Yeah. She...
We had confirmation about the goo! Things are
really coming up Baldwin now. The goo? I'm talking
about the wife. And then, um... Yes, she was
the one making the goo monsters. No, that's the
witch. What? Are they not the same person? No!
You're thinking... No, we're talking about Baldwin's
wife. Oh. Yeah, you're thinking of the forest
dude's wife. Angus's wife. I didn't hear him
say Baldwin's wife. Yeah, that forest bitch is
Angus's ex -wife. Who he thought he had killed.
Many unhappy marriages in Eberron. This is like
a damn problem. It gets confusing. What's also
like you have the Alden and his brother's name
is Baldwin And then the event that's like the
Orion family I feel like we're gonna get to the
morning and it's gonna be real advanced and it's
gonna be like It's we're gonna trade out our
magic cart for like a Chevy Tahoe We need four
-wheel drive, baby Let us also not forget the
Garfields. Yeah, the Garfields. Yeah, the Garfields,
yeah. Have Harun and Lizana transfer into something
like two horses and carry us. We could. What
do you do a thousand for Baldwin's wife's location?
Damn, Harun's got a lot of money. He does. He's
willing to spend. Now for the most powerful item
of all, Jeep Grand Cherokee. Did you hear what
he said? Yeah, he said a thousand for the location.
And he says, he takes a thousand and says, she
is located in Sharn. Can you put it on the map
for me? What was her name? Martha. That's right,
Martha. Martha D. Orion? Martha the Eloquent
of the Orion. Kind of like a pen name. I'm surprised
she didn't have a job named the steward. Haroon,
do you have a map of Sharn, by chance? Yes, I
do. Have a look at the information book and hold
out a pen to him. Can you mark it on the map?
I'm going to look at it and see if he already
did. Yeah, there's already a mark on the map.
Wait, what's a pen? What's a pen? Pens don't
exist. Don't worry, I have to explain things
to children all the time. A pet is a sharpened
stick with some ink on the end of it. Got it,
got it. Thank you. Dude, I got a first degree
burn just hearing that. Did I tell you guys I
used to work at an orphanage until it burned
down? Seriously? To this day, no idea who did
it. Yeah, where does the lore end and Ben begin?
About the same place R .O .A. begins and ends.
You should hear what R .O .A. says when he comes
through a door. Oh, yeah. Oh, Nick. You did ask
about possible location, and he did a... I asked
about possible location. On one of Haru's maps,
mark the spot nearby. Of where she might be?
The wife? Or the bitch? The bitch. The bitch.
The bitch. Or, sorry, sorry, the lich. That's
what I meant to say. Yeah, the bitch lich. The
druid against nature. Yes. Oh, damn. So you guys
are currently near Flanky, so there is a city
nearby. Yeah, damn, damn. Gonzo, why does that
map look sticky? Uh, yes. So you guys are here.
Right. You guys are here. Uh -huh. So in the
area near here, one of the cities, which is right
across from the war room. Across the river. There
has been silence. Okay, okay. A strange happening
to the inhabitants and the creatures. Well, thank
you for that information. So you know the power
room recognizes as the... So this wood's called
the burnt wood near Olaf. Bro, this is your spot
to go crazy. If your god ever gave you the sun,
it is right now. Yeah, but the place nearby was
near Olaf. Olaf? O -A -T -H. That's what I figured.
Did you say, Mark? It keeps cutting out. I couldn't
hear what they said. Do you want to explain that
again? Yeah, so one of the places nearby, it's
a wood area nearby called the Burntwood, and
one of the cities kind of close to that called
Olaf, there's been some activity experience there,
some strange activity matching what you guys
were kind of talking about. It is probably like
a few days travel from here. Okay. Well, thank
you for that lead. Is there anything that you
might need from us while we are out there? You
can find any more of these emeralds or emerald
jewelry. Bring it back to me. Now, you mentioned
when you were talking about bringing back people
alive, were you referring to the goo people or
were you referring to really any of these creatures
that she makes? Just one of her abominations.
Anything. Okay. Okay. Keeping one of them alive
as I look over to Nix and Franklin. I don't have
a problem with that. I'm sure you don't. I fight
until things stop resisting. Is that what you
say to all of your dates? I was about to say,
that is a thin blue line if I've ever heard it
before. That is a thin line. Hey, we're a perfect
team. I have a bag of throwaway nines. You have
a stop resisting ethos? Together with the fucking...
Jesus. Hey, we're not the heroes this world deserves,
but it's the one they're gonna get. Alright,
information broker. Alright, so do you have any
cool items I can buy? Hey, what do you got for
about 2 ,000 gold? Do you have a Jeep Grand Cherokee?
Hey, man. Do you have a Jeep Rubicon? He's like,
best I can do is a Patriot. I could give you
something for a favor. I wanted an item. Yeah,
I can give you an item and you owe me a favor.
What's the favor? Well, it depends on the item.
I don't really play flavors like that. Well,
I'll do a favor for an item. I get the item?
No, no, no. You sort yourself out. Okay. As Araway
says, he who does for himself is a good guy.
Strong guy. Yeah, I think that is something that
my father told me before. That sounds about right.
I didn't really remember how deep my knowledge
about Araway went, but it's pretty deep. Huh?
Yeah? Why don't you just make me do the favor?
Ooh, can I get two magic items? He says, well,
if you pay me back one of these creatures alive,
I'll give you something in return. What about
me? I agreed to this. Well, I'm talking to the
leader of the group. Is he not the leader of
your... It's still to be determined. It depends
how you ask it. I mean, technically it's Haru,
but also technically it's me. If we're talking
about fighting, it's Nyx. If we're talking about
intelligence, it's still up in the air between
y 'all Horace and Franklin. Don't you fucking...
If we had to, I don't know, just throw this out
there, quantify it. numerically. On a scale between
one and, you know, I'm going to throw out a number,
20. I'd be curious to see where your heart ends
up behind me. You see, it's one of those jokes
where you know what's coming, but you still love
it. I know. That's why I purposely pinned you
two up against each other. I guess the real question
is, does the group want... The smartest leader
or the one with the most hats? Or the actual
battlefield leader? I mean, sometimes... Yeah,
do you want the actual battlefield leader or
do you want Knicks? Sometimes people just want...
Sometimes most people in a democracy just want
a face that they can trust. And somebody with
a lot of different hats can fill that role. That's
the sign of a failed government. I think we can
solve this right now. Hey, Harun, do me a favor
and vote for me for leader. Thank you. And that'll
be his favor. Hey, I'm your guy, huh? All right,
so Franklin? As your newly elected overlord.
You are a sellout. You are a lobbyist. You're
not an overlord leader. Just leader then? As
ROA would say, fall in line. Well, Franklin,
you and your merry band of friends capture one
of these abominations against nature and I'll
reward you for it. Excellent. For taking one
alive, Do a magic item for Lizagna, please. It
could be your throwiest away -iest one. Throwiest
away -iest one! That ring of protection sounds
pretty solid for Lizagna. You're really flexing
that intellect right now. I was going to say,
a ring of protection for either me or your heart.
It's also a plus one to all your saving throws,
too. It's great for a wizard who's trying to
be in melee. Especially, uh, plus one, everything
is great. Um... But, um, y 'all... Y 'all are,
um... Yes. Handsome. Yes, handsome. Are you trying
to get kissed? Shit. Shit. Uh... But, Lasagna,
in your head, you do hear, I could offer you
something far more powerful. Uh, I'm okay. What
is that you've been sipping on, Will? Margarita.
Margarita mix. Just the mix? Or is it one of
those pre -made? It's pre -made mix. Oh, good.
But it tastes delicious. Tastes like lemonade.
Gotcha. Because whenever I hear mix, I think
of just like non -alcoholic. Oh, no. This has...
Tequila, right? Whatever the Kirkland brand of
tequila is, which I don't know. I think, don't
they pair up with somebody in a name brand one?
I don't know. I don't know. I physically cannot
drink tequila. I'm sorry, where were we at though?
Were we leaving the information broker? Sword
fight. It's less of a sword and more so a stabbing
motion. Cock fight. Did we get all the information
we needed? I think. So, we know where to go.
We know the wife is alive. You've got a magic
item for capturing it alive. Checked out the
goo. I think we're ready to hit the road, folks.
Actually, one more thing before we leave. This
isn't really about the world around us, but more
so about the quest that we had just completed
for you. About how much time do you think you
are going to need in order to figure out what
makes that ring so evil? It depends on how much
magic it was imbued with with her power. Well,
considering it was a lot, I suppose we'll get
back to you when we do. I've been hearing a lot
of people refer to her. Who are we referring
to when we say her? You know the name. I don't
know the name. I rolled a natural one last time.
I don't know. He says, I'll throw you this bone
because you don't seem like the brightest. The
name? The name of who? Who are we talking about?
Lady Elmaru. This is why I'm in charge. I don't
know the name either. Lady Elmaru? Elmaru. Elmaru.
The grand lich that started this whole calamity.
The grand wizard of the Emerald. Your horse knows.
Was that the lady we saw? No. Different bitch.
Different bitch. Glendora? No, no, no, no. This
is Lady Amaru. No, you said, is that the lady
we saw? I was saying that one was Glendora, right?
Glendora, yeah. The witch? The... Yeah, Angus'
wife, yes. Glendora. So a different... Yeah.
Yeah, so that was the evil bitch that you guys...
Gonzo, I'm gonna be honest with you. We're going
down a teetering path. Teetering path. Two of
the main protagonists you threw at us are women.
So... What's the guy's name? Fujimoto. All of
his villains are women, too. I would just like
to throw this out. There's a reason that although...
There's a deeper reasoning. Gonzo, you don't
have to tell us now. Although villains are women,
and Nyx is being outfitted with a pimp outfit.
The end goal is whoring these bitches out. The
moment I walk into any of these female villains,
Nix loses his weapon. Can you use fist only?
Open hand. Nix's epilogue is going to be about
running these streets. Way of the open hand.
I don't know if you knew this. Way of the open
hand. I don't know if you knew this, Nix, but
the more rings you put on, it actually adds a
plus one. Yeah, that's the way of the backhand.
The way of the backhand. the backhand. I like
the Mandarin. After you complete the full set,
you gain advantage on all unarmed strikes. Only
against women, though. Only against women. In
an aggressive manner. I think it has a special
feature where you imprint your rings on their
face, and now you can track them. Is this bludgeoning?
Wouldn't it be bludgeoning and slashing? I cast
Hunter's Mark. It depends on the ring he's wearing.
We're all about to get cancelled. That's fine.
We have an editor -in -chief who can redact all
this. Yeah, don't worry. This is going to be
a heartfelt message. Gonzo will bring it back
around. The editor in Cheech. The editor in Cheech.
And Chong. He was the Chong of Cheechmas. He
says... Bring me back one of these creatures
alive and a few other samples and maybe we'll
get something extra. Sounds good, sir. Alright.
I'm happy I'm in charge now. This feels right.
I'm going to walk out. Laters. I want to linger
to be last. You go to a... And you see Franklin
goes to walk out, and he opens the door, and
all of you are just near the cardigan. No! He
knows! It's our special thing! No, I said something
before we leave, or before we got out there.
What did you say? I said again, please! Please!
I'll get on my knees if I have to. Please! Was
this something to pop him up real high and then
he falls back down? Yes. Oh, you want me to teleport
him in the air? Oh, uh... I want him to do it.
If Harun has his back turned, I'll do it. I'll
use vortex warp to just pop him, like, uh...
up in the air. Alright. Don't you need to be
able to see? Actually, you try to use it in there,
but then your magic doesn't quite work in there.
But, uh, Harun, he looks to you and he gives
you a wink. And, uh, you guys are back, but Harun
is not next to you. He's doing... He's doing
the thing again. You hear from... Harun, are
you screaming as you're flying? Of course he
is. As you're falling from 120 feet in the air.
I look to Franklin. Can I reward this behavior
out of him? Yeah, what am I also going to do?
How are you going to catch yourself, Harun? Well,
we've done this before. Let's see. Let me look
at the thing again. Don't you have feather fall
as a monk? I have slow fall. It's not slow fall.
But I think that just reduces your damage, right?
It reduces your damage, yes. Then I will catch
Harun by vortex warping him. No! I'll do it right
before you hit the ground. Just relax. Don't
resist! I will basically catch him right before
he hits the ground and teleport him right next
to me. Yeah, as you see Haroon just coming from
like 120 feet in the air, just turn on velocity
as he just phases through the ground and then
he's next to Franklin. Like fall into his arms.
Yeah. I'm going to like just kind of awkwardly
pat his shoulder. Like, all right, buddy. I need
a cigarette. I think that would be a good place
to call it. Well, next time on Dragon Ball. Well,
alright folks. We'll catch you next time. Later
nerds. Bye.