I can't see things.
Well anyways...
Anyways...
We're gonna stop talking about lactating and we're gonna get into
freaking nerds!
Freaking milky nerds.
A D&D podcast where Gonzo still doesn't have his socks on.
They're on, they're putting them on right now.
So he's putting them on.
My feet get hot. Every time.
My feet get hot, right?
I don't understand what you mean by that.
Do you wear Crocs on? How do they get hot?
They have ventilated systems in them.
You want to feel hot my feet are?
I don't. I don't.
The only time I ever really thought
Oh my feet are really hot
is when I was wearing dark
like black shoes and then was in the sun
and then they cooked them.
If it's just regular walking around
I think it'd be warm but I don't know about hot.
Nah.
I sleep with like two fans on and like a ceiling fan.
Oh boy's a heater. That's all I can say.
That is true.
He's too hot to handle.
We had a shared bed on a trip
and at first it was nice
and in the middle of the night
I'm like, oh water, here's water.
Water, have this beer.
Dude it'd be like that sometimes man.
Especially when you're out there camping
and it's like just dry as fuck.
You wake up with just cotton mouth.
You're like,
damn all the drinks are outside my tent right now.
Yep, all of them.
All your warm ass waters.
Then you're like, we have a water bottle
but it's the one that's been sitting in the sun all day.
You still drink that bitch though.
You still drink it.
We got a little sidetracked there, wow.
But, I am Will
or Will I am, I don't fucking know.
But I also play Lazognan Moscon,
a druid wood elf cleric.
Yeah, false fact about Frankie.
Even though we've mixed it up a bit,
every time I've gotten Frankie.
I just like sitting next to him.
It's okay. You wanna switch seats?
No, no, no, no. You wanna sit on my left?
No, it's totally fine.
He gets all the secrets.
My secrets gone so it doesn't
write anything down.
So there's no secrets to be had.
Oh, there's a little secret somewhere down there.
It's not so secret to me.
No, no, that's why he's so so loud.
Go ahead and roll an investigation.
I'm at your advantage.
No, thank you.
But my fun false fact about Frankie is
I did have a funny false fact, but I forgot it.
But I'm gonna say this anyways
as the fun false fact is that Frankie
actually creates his own gen.
It's Frank's bathtub gen.
Mostly getting magic lamb?
Yep.
That's immediately what I thought.
Blindsight? Trapping genies?
It's either blindsight or blindness that's guaranteed
with my bathtub gen.
Oh, no.
Frank's gen. I put that shit on everything.
I didn't even think about that.
That's what I should have played off of.
That's great.
I'm Ben and I'm playing
Frank, Frankie the Tank.
Frankie the Tanky? I don't know.
The fairy guy. Bard guy.
Live in life.
Live, laugh, love.
And my false fact
about Harun is that he has a kill switch in a secret location on his back.
You guys are making these facts really hard.
Because he actually does have one.
And whether that kill switch makes him kill or kills him is to be determined.
Yeah, that's a false fact.
It's an up and down switch. It's like right in the middle.
It's definitely a false. Kill.
It's not a switch. It's in the front.
The tape that labeled it off, that labeled which is which,
just peeled off. So it's just a switch now.
Could you imagine if it was a dimmer switch?
He gets slightly more mirrors the more you turn it.
No.
Kill.
That is a great false fact.
It's so false, guys.
So I have...
Oh, my name is Mark.
I play Harun Wen, Warforged Monk.
He's kind of a base.
Kind of a baby.
He's learning.
He just recently got a wild shape, so that's pretty cool.
But I do have a false fact for Nakes.
And the false fact is that much like some cats,
if you were to take something of a version of a hair clip
right to the back of his neck,
he just freezes.
And you could do whatever you want with him.
It's a version of the kill switch.
I get it.
And I thought of that before I heard yours.
His body goes limp.
Just shuts down.
Oh, fucking kill switch.
It's that position that cats go in where he just like totally...
Where his head was like, okay, you got me.
I guess we'll do this for now.
There's a little feeder just dangling in the wind.
He's cussing up a storm as it's happening.
Taking his feet in the air, fucking.
Mom, stop.
I'm Jalen.
I am playing Nicks, a false fact for Y'all Harris.
In his folklore, there is a tale of a love triangle that he was in.
Because he's a folk hero.
That's not false.
I was actually thinking that.
I was like, I don't know if that's going to be false.
I think what you're referring to is known as a fiend threesome.
Yeah, it ended in the way most of it.
She didn't pick one, she picked both.
I'm fiending off of some face strange.
He's got two people waiting for him back at home.
You guys have heard the golden rule.
It's okay when it's in a three way.
You can sit clear here in the instant replay.
Two is enough, that's what they'll say.
But we say hell no, one, two, three way.
In the future, there will be a tower called the Eiffel Tower.
It's going to be based off of the legendary moves of him and his family.
It's in his golden eladrin form too.
That's where the shape came from.
His summer form.
There's all high fiving.
Sometimes it's four, sometimes it's more.
Oh, Nyx is a rock gnome barbarian.
Yeah.
I mean, everyone knew he was a barbarian.
A rock troll, right?
Throwback.
That's like the troll though.
Hello, I'm hard.
Hello, my name is Ryan.
And I'm playing Ylharris Scythrath, a summer eladrin ranger.
And a fun false fact about my fun little friend, Blizzogna.
Is that his real name is Rigatoni.
Oh, it's an alias.
Oh no.
That's actually a good one.
This name is Rigatoni.
It was his father's name.
Yeah, it was my father and my mother's name put together.
They didn't know what to think, so they're just like, what if we just put them together?
Hello friends, and I am their god.
I am their DM Gonzo.
Gross.
And the socks I'm wearing today are my, since we forgot to ask, Will.
I mean, you just went bro, I was going to ask.
Sure, he forgets about me.
We'll do it, quick.
Gonzo, what are you wearing?
A shirt, some shorts.
Garfield's shirt specifically, because you know, of course.
What are your socks?
They are my Mario.
Super Mario socks.
What does it say on the, oh, does it just say Mario on the front there?
Okay.
All right, he's wearing some Super Mario socks, so what's your pun?
Me? I'm just leveling up my wardrobe.
Are you sure?
Because before this session you were using the flower power.
I feel like he's trying to one-up his last socks.
Wahoo.
He takes magic mushrooms.
We got to clear his Bowser history.
Oh my god.
If I die clear and burn my hard drives.
Nah, it's Bowser.
Actually, that's what all the D&D lore is.
There is no lore.
He knocks out two to three Goombas, you know what I'm saying?
I really don't know much or many puns that can play off of that.
Wow, that's insane.
Just Mario in general.
You just got to get out of your shell.
Yeah.
I can't, I can't.
I wish I could rescue you, but it's like you got stolen.
Don't get that one.
Bowser can skills.
What?
Oh, come on.
That's a stretch.
What do you mean?
His thoughts were in another castle.
Hey Gonzo, how many kids do you have to beat to get that princess?
I just take on a bunch of them, so it's fine.
You stop counting after a while.
Mandate a reporter.
We got to stop having to feed each other.
We're dacking, we're dacking.
What's your real fact, your canon fact?
Canon fact, Y'all Horus loves soup in any weather.
Wait, hold on, like his forms, like any form he's in, he's down for some soup?
I know he's down for soup, even in the hottest day he's down for soup.
That's fucked up.
That is fucked up.
You know how Ryan the person feels about soup.
That's fucked up.
I don't think we're getting many beneficial facts here.
Okay, okay, all right, all right.
We're getting fun facts though.
I just thought it would be funny to mess with Ryan for what's a soup joke.
I'm putting it in my notes, by the way.
I put the other two facts in my notes.
Just so that way I can remember.
All right, we'll give you a useful one, it's fine.
Unless you want to stick with the soup.
You know what, I will take the mulligan on the phone first.
Perfect, all right.
And the word says he's trying to make the ultimate soup.
I'll take that, that's fine.
He's doing what?
He's on a quest to make the ultimate soup.
Okay, he's traveled through all the realms.
The character arc has changed dramatically.
It's going to be chili, I just want to let you know that.
He's like, cold soup doesn't sound good though.
That's actually a pretty good idea that, you know, it's just like, it's going to be chili isn't introduced yet,
so you're introducing it to people.
I'm going to introduce that for tower and chili.
And Jumbo Lime.
This guy was nuts.
It was a lot, you call me?
Oh, God, oh, geez, oh, man.
Much love in the realm tonight, and let's get into it.
Who wants to do the recap?
I mean, I talked about it earlier in Gonzo.
Yeah.
Anybody else would like to do it?
I volunteer, Jalen.
I don't have a clear memory of it.
I mean, I got you guys if you guys would like to.
I think Nogada's going to have a guess of where we started.
Where did we start?
Right after we left the goblin as knocked out.
That's where we started it, right?
I believe so.
No, it was a little bit before that.
We basically started inside of, or actually after that, we basically started at a barn.
Oh, I remember now.
So you left it, goblin knocked out, and we went to bed for the night in a barn.
Yep.
We started off in a barn.
I mean, it was kind of a bit a lot of a traveling type of scenery.
We figured out, well, not a lot of people figured out what we were moving.
And at the time, Frankie knew right away what it was.
I rolled an insight check after he was talking about baking supplies,
because I know that's not baking supplies.
You won't go bad?
No, I did.
I know it's not what he says it is.
None of you told Nix?
None of you told Nix, and we specifically made sure not to tell Nix.
It's not a question that Nix is familiar with drugs.
If Nix were to take these particular drugs, would it boost his rage at all?
It might not boost his rage, but it might make him feel a little more impervious.
The speed will dramatically increase.
I don't know. It sounds like a boosted rage that ends with exhaustion.
I think that's true.
Yeah, at least the weeks up and stuff.
But the worry, after we figured that out, we found out that we're taking kind of a scenic route to the town
so that we can avoid many, what's the word I'm looking for, like people going through our stuff.
Getting caught.
Yeah, getting caught.
Pryin' eyes.
Yeah, checkpoints.
Checkpoints and whatnot, so we have a little bit of a scenic route that he knows about that was on the map
and that's why we're taking the route we are.
Shoot.
And we went through a city that questioned us a bit, but we got away with saying that we were bakers
and we were transporting baking supplies.
Franky's a smooth talker.
Yeah, Franky's a smooth talker and got us right out of that.
And we kind of just kept traveling, found another barn, went to rest for the night.
I believe I was on watch.
So was I.
Yeah, you were in the rafters, you were in sentry mode outside.
I was looking like a piece of junk.
A hunk of yours.
Yeah, you guys were asleep and then we basically encountered, I can't remember the name of it, but it was a two-headed dog, right?
It was like a werewolf-looking creature.
A werewolf, two-headed werewolf creature.
I was a dire wolf, you also transformed into a dire wolf.
I did.
Did you remember your default?
I believe it was three days.
I couldn't remember if you did.
It was.
Yeah, and we fucked that thing up.
Oh, and the thing was only it could get damaged by magic.
We found that out the hard way.
True.
Yeah, I think I do recall that as well.
And yeah, we fucked it up.
We went to bed for the night and that's kind of where we left off.
I got to roll a few things.
Yay, good job.
Thank you.
You got inspiration.
All right, so you guys wake up in the barn, a little sore, and you guys kind of hear like just chattering outside.
I mean, I am outside.
Yeah, okay, so if you're outside.
I did put I don't know if you recall, I did put a letter on the farm or the barn door saying thank you for letting us use the barn and I put two gold pieces in there.
Okay, yeah.
So when you step out, are you stepping out?
Yeah, I would step out.
Wait, is this in the front or the back?
Because I would be posted in the back towards the forest, like facing the forest.
Towards the front where the barn is.
Okay, then I probably wouldn't hear.
Yeah, I mean, you just hear like people out and about.
Oh, okay.
As you step out, you just hear everyone kind of like hush and be like, there they are.
Like they're the heroes that killed the creature.
It's him.
As soon as I hear the word hero, I open the barn doors up wide and just go big old wide, grand, joyous stance.
My adoring fans.
I fall down behind them, I listen on my shirt, start bowing, curtsying the whole nine yards.
I don't know what to do.
I've never been praised before.
You see Harun running around the corner, like high stepping it, like putting one of his captain hats on and just says, I am the captain.
I am the guard.
I'm going to gently soar out in minor illusions, like a little glowing halo over myself.
I was like full.
They see you floating, they're like, oh, what?
Everyone's like, I didn't think you guys were this...
Seeing that Frankie does this, I look up to him and I muttered to myself, gods above, that is corny.
And I say, be not afraid.
I'm kidding.
What sort of droodcrafts?
I was thinking about doing something with some droodcraft in the third nix.
I think fairies don't have droodcraft.
Oh, I have droodcraft, but I also have full blown minor illusions.
That's true.
For sounds and light shows.
My droodcraft is more of like pollen and smells.
You can make someone sneeze real bad.
Some guy has season allergies, he's fucked.
Smell my fingers.
I'll just change my season.
No, just smell my hand and it's a bunch of pepper.
If I see Frankie floating up there, can I do the same trick I tried with nix where I take my hand mirror and try to angle it just to blind him?
What would that be?
Is that slide of hand we did last time?
I think we did do slide of hand for it last time.
Is there anything I can do to avoid?
I mean, I don't know you're looking at me.
It's a 19 on the next save.
Oh shit, wait, that is 21.
You're trying to avoid it, haha, and then you go to dodge and he just catches you right in the eye like fuck.
He's a little too quick for you.
I stop after I get you.
You're going to have that little thing in your eyesight for the next 30 minutes.
That little dot.
I whisper to myself, I got two favors.
I start saying, praise us, worship us, tell us your needs.
What?
Maybe just that last word.
Is it like thank you?
No caravans or anythings are passing through because they've been scared to come to our town.
You should probably still be scared. There's more than one.
What?
I was able to detect at least 15.
We killed one thankfully, but from what we can tell they can only be hurt by things that are magic.
You wouldn't happen to have a sort of alchemist here in the town, would you?
Something that we could use to make our weapons a little better.
Not really. We've lost a lot of our people, either through famine or they've just been picked off.
Famine?
We don't get a lot of supplies around here because...
Oh, okay, sorry. I just wasn't familiar with the word. Sorry.
Any books on the subject, reagents, materials, anything helps.
We just need the word from our God. That's what we need.
The words from Corallon help quite a lot, but we can't let him do all the work.
They're undead. I can put them in the grave.
We have some undead here that we use for chores.
Is there any...
Oh, that's right. I hate chores.
I don't know, someone that might pay for a job on eliminating some of these?
And how much that job would possibly pay?
You could go into the bigger cities. They might have something there.
Ah, okay.
And then I walk away.
What was that thing, though?
We don't know.
Who controls the dead?
What?
Who controls the dead?
Um...
Like the ones we have in the fields?
Yes.
They just kind of listen to us.
What do you mean? They just listen?
Yeah.
But why, Magic? Is there a spell? Did you threaten them?
Oh, I just bought it, alright?
Bought what?
What?
Bought what?
What did you buy?
The guy in the field.
Oh, you bought the undead?
Yeah.
Who did you buy it from?
The guy in the city?
What's the city?
So the city we're going to?
Yeah. Well, there's other cities too, Pastor.
You can find people.
It's frowned upon, but you can still find a few places around here that will still sell them.
They don't make new ones, so...
Well, yeah.
We're part of the reason why they don't.
You shouldn't own another living thing.
It's not alive.
You shouldn't own an undead either.
Uh...
Um...
How much were they?
This one I got from my dad.
Sorry, it's not your dad, right?
No. He's my cousin, though.
So, if you went to the city, you guys can't get to the city because of those beasts.
How have you guys been getting to and from to buy this kind of stuff?
Oh, we haven't had anything come here in years.
Oh.
I feel like they did that a long time ago, and now they're stuck.
And it's a real shame that these baking supplies are perishable.
Oh, yeah.
So, I hate to be the guy who tells you, um, good luck, but...
Well, hopefully more care will start padding through with those creatures.
I'm sure. I'm sure, I'm sure they will.
Alright, well, I mean, if we gotta get those baking supplies, then I'm just gonna hop and help them.
Well, I mean, I'm sure we'll probably see you when we come back through, if we do.
Hopefully you've killed the last of those creatures.
Do you have any information at all on those creatures in the forest?
Uh, pretty not much. They just popped up a few years ago after the war.
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
If you could not use that word around our friend.
What, what?
The one with the W.
Oh, worry?
I think we just let him go.
He just, you just start running.
This is open field, yeah.
I mean, I'm now in the front of the house, so I don't think I'd be running towards the forest.
So, if there's a road right there, I'm just going down the road where you guys are riding.
How wrong? Just run in circles. Just run in circles.
Do some laps, man.
You said I'm running back where we came from?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I am going.
Just run in circles on the road.
So, I started leaving first. Did he come by my back?
As soon as he hits 60 feet, I will cast hold.
Well, so wait, so is he running past me? Because I did leave first.
He'll run past you.
Alright, if he runs past me, can I try to grab him?
Yeah, go ahead and roll me a strength, see if you can, as he's trying to run past you, see if you can just...
Oh, fuck.
Uh, Harun, go ahead and roll in the front of your strength check.
18.
Oh, I got a 12, so...
Ooh, yeah, you try, you try to try to, and he just tries to just put your hands out and just...
He just, kind of just like kicks over you and just, he's using you as a little step and you're just like, son of a bitch.
Yeah.
If he gets, as soon as he gets past, or close to 60 feet, I will cast hold person.
Alright, go ahead and cast it.
Hold person. Wisdom saving throw.
Jesus Christ, man.
22.
I'm gone.
I'm using bone action, it's the step of the wind.
Yeah, I'm gonna use my inspiration to re-roll that dice.
Oh, that's gonna hurt.
Ah, a nine.
One of these times I just want to see what happens if I get gone.
You would've just kept going.
How many times does this happen before we put one of those little leeches on it?
Yeah, I throw a tractable leash.
Just having it around my arm because he starts to yank away one day.
We need to get one of those vicinity ones so if he gets too far away from us it automatically triggers the shock.
I mean, I don't know how your spell works, but I have ascending stone.
If Nyx was to give it to you, you might be able to say some suggestions or something.
I could've said a suggestion while you were in range, but I chose not to.
He was like, yeah, I hope I'll be calm now.
So yeah, I'm just running in the mid run like the Wile E. Coyote, I just freeze.
I think Frankie's more than happy to see this play, after seeing it play out a few times, go, I don't know, let's see what he does.
Let's see how far it goes before he tires himself out.
Oh god, he's still going far.
This time, it's borderline impressive.
The amount of flattestness that goes into it.
The crowd kinda just watched this happen, like, is your friend okay?
No! Don't say that word.
Which word?
I'm saying this from a distance, but I'm yelling that.
Don't say that word!
I mean, at this point, he's held.
I'm gonna just be giving him a hug when I walk over and give him a hug to calm him down.
I'm stressing the group. You don't say the word war around him, but we were all in the war, and he took it a whole lot harder than the rest of us.
Huh. I know what it feels like to feel.
Well, apparently you don't think that a whole lot of things can feel.
What's that supposed to mean?
It's supposed to mean that we need to figure out how we can fix this little problem of yours.
I lean in to Frankie.
Do we have to fix this problem if they can't pay us?
I thought we solved the problem.
We did not solve the problem. We killed one of them.
I mean...
There were over twenty.
I was like, I asked them, they said they didn't have money.
Weren't they undead?
What you detected was not, or that dog was not undead.
Because I did protection from evil and good, and it did not work.
It was a beast.
I know that it wasn't undead.
Or monstrous.
But there were more undead.
The undead you were detecting, I was thinking about that as it could have been just the undead that they were using.
Yeah, because the area you did also included the undead they were using.
I was looking at the forest though.
How many undead are you guys using around here?
Undead?
Yes.
We have about ten here that we use.
Ten?
Yeah.
How many did you detect?
At least seventeen?
Fifteen to twenty.
So there's some that's not accounted for around here.
I mean, we don't go out at night, so I don't know what's in that forest.
We try to see as far away as we can.
I mean, give us just a second.
I'm just going to try to pull the group over a little bit.
You're going to huddle around me while I'm still frozen?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to land on top of Harun's head and just be sitting on top of Harun's head and be like, hey guys, so...
I think you can re-roll your saving throw at this point.
Yeah, go ahead and re-roll it.
Eighteen.
Yeah, that's a pass.
Yeah, he sits on your head and you're just like...
I feel like after being calmed down and held, he's on my head, but I might start to fall.
So I'd like to roll another string and save him.
Do it.
Alright, twelve.
Yeah.
Alright, I'm good.
I'm like, oh!
Alright.
Staying warm enough just keep him up.
So guys, do we want to directly help these people?
I feel like Yoharis is kind of wibbly-wobbly on their morals.
They can't pay us.
Why are we obliged?
Because it's what we do.
We were made for this?
I was like, I don't do that.
Do you do that?
There are people in need of help, so we help them.
Can they pay us?
I would agree with Yoharis at this point.
Ugh, free work.
Hey, sometimes you gotta do good things to kind of balance out some of the bad things
that you've done.
I've never done bad things.
Oh!
I've done what I've ever had to do.
Not that he remembers anything.
I've only done what is needed.
We could also offer to, at the next big city, with like, assuming they have a functioning
government, be like, hey, these people over here need your help.
I mean, we do have to go through the forest anyway.
Can we just go through what we kill, we kill?
How far away were those things that you detected?
Well, they were all in the forest, and they were deep into the forest.
Two feet?
I can sense things up to six miles away.
Shoot.
So it could have been anywhere from one to six.
Well, then I'll be honest then with you guys.
I think just going to the next town, we'll probably fight all of them.
If they're that deep, they're gonna try to hunt us down.
Well, if we have to go through the forest, then maybe.
Yeah, I mean, I think we just go through the forest and we'll probably end up fighting most of them.
Make ourselves as obvious as possible, try to draw some attention maybe.
Yeah, just sit there and tell them, oh no, what are we gonna do with all this loot that we got
as we're driving around?
And we have bacon supplies, you know, they're like, they're dogs, or beast thingies, you know,
they might want to eat food.
That would make sense.
It's like flour and stuff, they're not gonna want that stuff.
Well, maybe.
Before we leave though, I wanted to make sure that they can at the very least defend themselves,
they have some sort of armament.
They got plenty of the dead to throw between them and whatever monster.
Oh, because that's humane.
I mean, I wouldn't say they're human at this point.
If you were to detect where they were, could you possibly see if they're closer or farther away?
Or is that possible?
Well, it's worth a shot.
I mean, if these creatures are nocturnal, we might be catching them with their pants down.
You see, a few of them have kind of just been overhearing us talk like, we don't need to eavesdrop,
but if you would help us, we do have a family relic we'd be able to give you in return.
Oh, why didn't you say that to Beelman? Let's help.
Let me see this relic. What's it do?
Instantly change the look and change his thoughts.
We've encountered some not so good people along the way that try to take advantage of us.
No, I would never take advantage of you, but what's this relic do?
I could have my grandfather show you.
Yeah, let me see it real quick.
Bring out the old coot.
Yeah, you see him kind of go to one of the...
What's your name?
My name?
Yeah.
People usually aren't this nice, he just kind of starts crying, he's like,
no one's ever asked my name before.
Oh my fucking God, bro, what's your name?
Damn.
That laugh is going to be in character.
Oh my God.
I just throw a dart at Nix in the back.
A dull one.
My name's Nima.
Nima, what's your last name?
What's that?
Oh, my sweet summer child.
Oh, it's okay, not everybody has one.
I think her name is Nima Undead Wrangler.
I was just making sure, I was just because we were sent out here to also go help somebody
and they were going to give us a relic, so I was seeing if it was you.
We don't get much travelers here, we've had monsters.
You dealt with one last night.
Oh yeah, so have they been always coming from over there?
Like at that point in the direction where they came from yesterday?
The forest?
Yeah, they come from the trees.
We try to stay away as far away as we can.
So if we leave this thing or this cart inside the barn, will it be touched?
We saw where you could, when you did that creature, none of us here were able to...
If you guys can watch this while we're gone, make sure nobody moves inside of the cargo at all.
We can do this.
Insight check, just to make sure.
Guidance on my insight check.
Good thing I didn't waste my poison dart.
Knocked my pot.
God damn it, I'm just going to roll that.
Ah, doesn't even matter because I rolled a natural one.
They look scared shitless.
Does his grandpa come back with his amulet or relic yet?
No, you were yelling at him about it, crying, so he's like, I'll go get my grandfather.
And you see him...
Well, he said to watch the stuff while we're gone.
He seemed truthful about it.
Ah!
I'll be here.
You're not going to come with us, Harun?
Harun, you're the last one we leave with the caravan.
I hate to say it, but it's because of the big dummy word.
Why?
At any moment in time, anybody should...
The one you don't like.
The one that makes you go cranky.
It's the word that rhymes with fork.
The word that rhymes with snore.
Pork?
The big bad bad time that you had to go through.
Have you guys ever tried that? Making him say the word?
No.
Maybe that's the secret.
Say what word?
Okay, so I'm gonna... Harun, do you trust me?
I don't know.
Can I hold you real quick, buddy?
Fill in the blank.
We were in the...
Barn.
Harun, Harun.
A scale of one, two young child.
How good is your spelling?
I can read a whistle, so I think it's okay.
Okay. If I were to say W, you know what W is.
Right.
And then an A.
Okay.
And then an R.
Yeah.
What's that spell?
War.
Did it work?
Yeah, he's fine.
Say it again.
Three times fast.
We can say war again?
If someone says it and you freak out.
I go grab him.
I grab him.
He's okay.
Okay. My grab turns into a soft touch.
I feel like we learned something today.
Why is it okay when he says it, but when his body hears it, he triggers a response?
You know, I think that he just has to reclaim that word.
Yeah, maybe if he says it more, it'll help him.
My word.
Yeah, you get it.
You guys can't say that word.
That's our word.
We were forged by it.
Don't you use that word?
That's what it is.
It's okay when he says it, but when everybody else says it, it's a problem.
That's what it is.
I was born in the robotics.
You guys can say conflict forged.
You merely adopted it.
That's terrible.
All right.
Well, sir, I think we take our stuff with us.
I don't trust...
Well, the cards got it.
They said they wouldn't touch it.
It's in the woods.
Can I roll an insight check?
Yeah, you can roll an insight check.
I rolled a natural one.
That's why I'd say he's truthful to me.
Oh, yeah, bitch.
That's a 21.
You guys are the first people to show him kindness.
These people are really appreciative right now.
Okay, I got a 13, so...
I think regardless, Frankie has a really hard time trusting.
So I'm going to just ask, who's going to be in charge of watching our stuff?
I'll do it.
All right, I'm going to reach out my hand for a handshake.
Wait until she grabs it and say,
if you give me your name, I'll trust you.
Oh, do not do that.
Do not do that.
Yeah, no, it's just me and her.
She's like, why do we do that?
Because it's the only way I'll trust you.
But I promise, I'll give it back.
I told you my name's Nima.
What?
So it's a way who's watching the car?
And now the bitch has no name.
What was our name again?
I don't remember.
I don't know.
Hey, hey, shh.
Put the finger on the lip.
Just slowly.
Stop it.
Is this a man or a woman actually?
It's a man.
Oh, no, I'm going to keep calling him baby girl.
Baby girl.
Hey, hey, just calm down.
It's okay.
What does this guy look like?
He's just like a, he's human.
He looks like the shambles and rags.
This place is, he's got like five, six, five, eight brown hair.
Scrubbing your guy.
All right, well, since none of us can remember your name,
and I scowl at Frankie,
you're going to watch the cart.
For now, we'll call you Cartman.
I'm sorry.
That was great.
Cart person.
Yeah, so don't worry about it.
As long as everything's here when we get back,
that name's all yours, and I'll throw in the logs or something.
Two names.
He's still holding the box.
He's like, oh, yeah, is that the relic?
Yeah.
Yeah, let me see that real quick.
I want to look at it.
Yeah, like I was going to say, you don't have to like give it to us,
but can we just see it?
He opens it.
It's a shining silver sickle.
Is it magical?
Yes.
Okay, I do well with these things.
I want to see if I can figure out what that is.
All right.
I'm going to throw it for you, baby.
Fuck!
Okay, I had inspiration from what I did.
Did I use that?
Yeah, go ahead.
I got your guidance.
I'll touch you.
Okay, plus D4.
That's dirty 20 plus D4.
So are you using your wild magic?
Oh, four.
Artificial Zora.
Okay, cool.
So do you just know what it is?
Magic or identify?
That's like two different things.
It's a racial trait.
So when I need to,
what I'm looking at in a magical item,
I add twice my proficiency bonus
when it comes to those he has specifically.
Identify.
When I make, yeah.
Tell him I can just identify it or...
Well, I have...
When I look into it, like yeah, identify it.
He likes to think he's the smartest man.
So can you actually identify or can you just tell it's magic?
I can identify it.
Okay, so that means with that you'd be able to actually identify the whole thing and see what it is?
Yeah, I like, I would definitely, yeah.
Okay, cool. I just want to make sure because I wasn't sure like the aspects of it.
Yeah, so it's a Moonsicle.
A Moonsicle.
Oh, dude, this thing is sick.
So only a ranger or a druid could use this.
Okay, okay.
Alright. Is this what I know that?
Is this an Eberron thing?
You probably know that too.
Let's see where did we come from.
Oh no, if you have the toches, cauldron and everything.
Okay.
This thing's pretty cool.
Okay.
So it's Silver-Valued Sickle, Glimmer Softly with Moonlight.
While holding this magic weapon you gain a bonus to the attack and damage rolls made with it.
And you gain a bonus to spell attack rolls and the saving throws, DCs of your druid and ranger spells.
Is it a plus one?
It depends on the rarity, which you guys don't know yet.
The bonus is a turn by weapons rarity.
As I mentioned, you can use the sickle as a spellcasting focus for your druid and ranger spells.
When you cast a spell to restore his hit points, you can roll a d4 and add the number rolled to the amount of hit points restored, provided you're holding the sickle.
So you get an extra d4 every time you heal if you have the sickle with you.
That's pretty nice.
Alright, I see that. I'm like, alright, we'll do it.
And I close it. Alright, boys, let's go.
I hop on Harun and I point to the forest.
I think Harun's already forgotten that you're there.
So he's gonna just carry you.
Later, fella. Don't forget.
Wait, where are our dinosaurs? We just leave them there?
They're in the barn.
Yeah, I will actually...
You gotta tell them about those dinosaurs.
Well, yeah, I'm gonna tell them about the dinosaurs in there.
Well, they saw you guys right in with them.
Okay.
Yeah, but like, we gotta leave some extra meat or something.
Oh, I was about to actually just do that.
Go up to them and...
You know that DM can be unforgiving if we don't mention that we have dinosaurs.
I'm gonna do speak with animals through my ring.
And just talk to them real quick.
I actually do still have four steaks left.
So there's four of them, so I'll just use all my steaks and just put it out for all of them.
Perfect. Yeah, they snap it up real quick and they're pretty excited.
And after casting speak with animals, we're gonna be gone for a little bit.
This guy in the front, we don't know his name, so his name's Carmen.
That's what you could call him.
But he's gonna watch you guys. Don't do anything stupid. Stay here.
Yes, dad.
We will find mom soon.
Thanks, dad.
No problem.
Hey, Gonzo.
What would you say the capacity of my pockets are?
The capacity?
I know I can't take a cart, but could I take the baking supplies from the back of the cart?
You have pretty much the capacity of a bag of holding in each pocket.
But it has to fit through a pocket.
I mean, I just empty out a little crate in there, but I dump it back out.
When you said package, you said like package.
You know what I mean? Because this isn't the same thing with a back of holding.
It looks like a brick.
It doesn't work like a vacuum. Doesn't it have to fit the dimensions of the bag in that it's in there?
I think so. I mean, I don't depend, I guess, on what Gonzo wants.
Because we also, in a different campaign, had a backpack of holding that was a wider base so you could fit more stuff.
Right, right. That's what I always thought.
So I don't know if that's the hardcore rule.
That's entirely up to him.
True. I don't think that's anything that's specified.
I mean, he pulls bottles of alcohol out of his pockets, so we'll say he can put a certain size in there.
I would love to imagine that Franky's wearing cargo shorts.
To be fair, if these bricks are in kilos size, I'm assuming they're probably using kilogram sizes.
They're not that big. You know what I mean?
Oh, you're talking about these ones instead of these ones.
Like a brick. You know, a kilogram. You know, like a key.
Yeah, a key.
They're not that big.
And if we're going off of measurements, if we're measuring certain things, they can support a great head.
In a standard size, that's the standard size.
Yeah, that's right.
That's in your P.S. size, right? Yeah.
You could go for it, or you can...
Hey guys, hold on one sec. I forgot something in the cart.
I'll go back to the cart and I'll just try to...
I'm on your back, so I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.
I was like, if you're falling, I'm on you, so I get to see it.
Nah, I'll let him do this thing. He'll probably be effing off.
Perfect, yeah, your pockets are full.
Just don't let those pants get set on fire, because if we lose those, we're going to have the house of shadows on our ass.
Everything but his pockets burn away.
There's two bags of holding in his drop.
The only thing that we have to worry about is the fact that he likes to think of himself as hot pants.
I like to think he has a bag of holding and a cup of holding.
Honestly, what would stay behind is just the pockets after they get burnt off.
That's what I'm thinking.
I don't think the pants are about to get burnt off, so we're alright.
Alright. So, we're all ready?
Yeah, I'm going to go up to old Cartman, and I'm going to take off my captain's hat, and I'm going to sit on his head, and I'm going to say,
You better watch this like you're the captain, but if you lose it...
Then I'm going to walk away laughing.
Is it the paper hat?
No, it's actually one of the captain's hats.
Oh, the train horn?
It's specifically the blue one.
Keeping the red and green.
The haroon's like, I'll murder you.
I didn't say that.
He's like, okay, and then he kind of turns around and he's like, there's the note still on there, and he's like, ooh, and he notices the gold and he's just like, oh.
I like to point out I'm still on Haroon's back, because as he's saying that, I'm just quietly staring intensely.
That's great. I'm laughing, and he's just...
He's kind of just awkwardly...
I'm going to just start making my way with the rest of them into the forest. Bo, Dran, and I lean over to Nyx as he's riding on top of Haroon.
As soon as we get away from all these people, I got some real cool shit that I want to show you.
I'm like, dope, I can't wait to see cool shit.
Like, and that people can't see?
Oh, sick!
Oh, look at you, you'll help us out.
Oh, you'll see it too, everyone will.
Alright, then let's go, Nick! Let's go, Haroon!
You said, go me!
Yeah, then I just keep going a little faster.
I slap your eyes full speed ahead!
And I'm almost like an ostrich.
High stepping in the fucking forest.
Yeah.
The touchback.
Absolutely not tiptoeing for those two lips.
Alright, go ahead and roll me survival checks when you get into the forest.
Oh, this is one of my favorite terrains.
Can I help him, Y'all Harus?
No, you guys are all making survival checks.
Oh, natural 20.
Oh, hell yeah.
Plus 3.
I got a 12.
I'm so hyped right now, I'm just bouncing through.
Us too, just on the hype of him showing us a secret going all the way out.
Like, secrets, secrets, secrets!
We're just motivated.
That's actually great because you're on me, so we both saw it really good.
It's like a Dumball and Darwin energy right now.
I feel like when we're doing secrets, we're going opposite ways at the same time.
On which side you're looking over.
That's why we can see you.
It's a group thing, so you guys are kind of like, you guys are kind of looking around,
trying to avoid, like some of the plants seem to kind of be squirming around and moving.
You're kind of just trying to avoid those.
The plants are squirming?
Yeah, some of the vines are kind of just wriggling around and you guys are kind of trying to avoid those.
Like moving on their own?
Yeah.
Oh, that's weird.
And you're kind of just avoiding stepping on the vines, on the roots, you're just like, huh.
Harus has no problem just skipping through these.
With natural 20, I'm seeing every little vine just going, choo choo choo.
At one point I want to know, kid, I like swing while holding my room with my legs through an obstacle.
I'm like going for a jump and then I realize over the other side of the bush the gap's a little too wide.
And then he just grabs me and swings me through.
I aim on his back with my legs wrapped around.
We both got above 20.
We'll see if you get there.
I was fighting off the ground at all times.
Alright guys, yeah.
I'm just going to float.
Monkey bars.
Oh, that's interesting.
I'm going to hold up for a second and say, alright, check this shit out.
I take a knee and I take my bag off my back and I rummage through it.
I pull out a flask that is just this dark, black, opaque liquid.
I'm like, alright, so check this shit out.
What is that?
Oh, it's poison.
It's real nasty shit too.
Yeah, necrotic.
I got this a while ago.
It's necrotic?
I start giddy shaking and pull out my magic sword.
Oh, necrotic.
Can you add some to mine?
Well, next time we get into a city you owe me a bottle then, alright?
I will buy you a bottle gladly, sir.
Alright, it's going to be a good shoot too.
Hold on before, if you guys are going to plan on doing this.
I feel like Lasagna would know about necrotic poison versus undead enemies, right?
You understand where I'm going from?
You're Claire.
Claire.
Yeah, you would know.
Can you poison the undead?
Well, that's the exactly thought.
We are about to fight undead.
But when you were fighting, that creature was on.
Right, but I don't know that creature wasn't dead.
You did get a chance to study it.
I'll still say we do know it wasn't undead because of the way we used it.
You tried to use Beast Bond.
Right, I'll still mention, say, just so you know, necrotic poison is not great against undead people because they're necrotic.
Yeah, but we're hunting dogs, right?
I don't know what we're going to be.
I just want to let you know.
It's rabbit season.
Maybe we hold off until we get into a fight and then we put that on.
You don't just put it on right now type thing.
I get sad.
I'm like, fine.
It's a great idea.
I love it.
No, fine, Lasagna.
Throw it up and then get back on Harun.
I just don't want you to waste it.
No, I get it.
I get it.
I look like a sad five-year-old now with my head sadly laying on Harun making an obvious pout face.
Not looking at you at all?
Yeah.
Sad walking away sound from Incredible Hulk plays.
I'm going to dip the tip of one of my arrows into it so my first arrow that I use for whenever
we're getting into combat is going to have necrotic on it.
Hell yeah.
How much of it did you get?
Oh, it's a flask.
Oh, OK.
Did we say it was in there?
Let me check.
I just want to see Yohoris whip out that flask, acts like he's going to take a drink, and
then be like, you want some?
So he says I can hold up to it.
That's how you kill me.
That's literally how you die.
He gets the sword and then probably would be saving me like half the arrows or something.
That'll do.
That's how you do it.
Yeah.
I don't know what you mean.
You're not putting a whole weapon.
You're just kind of deepening it.
Oh, you whip down into it.
But then if you're going to use his, then you can probably do half the arrows.
I want to see a rogue try to go through his head and drink that and die.
I have a lot of arrows.
How many arrows do you have?
So those are just the ones that aren't the fire arrows.
We'll say he can do 20 arrows in his...
Oh, man, after my own heart.
We'll do 20 arrows and then his sword.
All right, I'm going to be doing my plus one arrows.
Do you have that Hawkeye, what the fuck is it called, where you hold the arrows or just
automatically applies whatever tips you want to it?
Oh, the quiver.
Oh, the quiver, yeah.
There are some pretty cool quivers to get.
I just got a basic one.
It's a waterproof quiver.
He just has a poison at the bottom of it so they're all soaking in it.
It just soaks at the bottom of it.
I used some animal skin.
Just to make it fucking not leak through.
Yeah, so he coated your weapon with it and about 20 of his arrows.
Dope.
All right.
And then he just stepped out, but I would still, I would leave the pack on.
All right, go ahead and roll a protection check to see what you guys see as you're walking
through.
I will cast guidance on myself.
It's a 24 for me.
Oh, Jesus.
I got a 16, so not that good.
That's a height advantage.
Yeah.
I'm just a little bit higher up.
22 plus eight, that's a dirty 30.
Holy shit.
Sorry, what were we rolling for?
Get a girl?
Perception.
Conn is looking around.
It's almost my max too.
It was a 19 and a three.
I rolled a 19 too.
I did a 20 and a four.
All right, yeah.
What's 18 plus eight?
26.
Dude, yeah.
Holy moly.
Yeah, third eye is open.
Hey, Nick.
Wisdom.
Relax, we got this.
See, you guys just.
Oh, yeah, that's cheating.
You guys walk around and you and Lazanga are looking at each other and you all kind of
like, cracks.
All of you are like, you see those?
Damn, I don't see them.
24.
No, you saw it too.
Yeah, you're kind of floating above and you kind of just notice all of you kind of converge
in this spot.
You're floating above them.
You're like, hey, look.
I'm more than happy to watch the one.
My 24 is actually just watching these two just like, going out and go like, oh yeah,
that's nice.
Good job, guys.
Are those tracks heading basically the tracks we're heading towards the town?
There are tracks like all over there.
There was like the larger tracks that went towards town and there are smaller tracks
going away from town.
I don't know about you guys, but I would want to follow the ones that were just coming from
the town that we were in and follow those back to wherever the hell they came from.
Follow the large tracks.
Is there feces in the knee right here?
Roll for smell.
What did you get for your perception?
16.
Yeah, I mean they're shit.
I walk up to it and I sniff it and see if I can tell.
Well, you guys are doing investigation?
This is your moment to shine.
Squeeze in between your fingers.
See how fresh it is.
I get her room with me.
Yeah, you see a big pile of like wolf shit.
Her room, her room.
I told you this is the stuff we got to investigate.
You got to investigate like how we told you.
Oh, God's above.
Haroon, you did.
I want us to say this, Haroon.
You did say you're going to want Nicks to do it first.
That is true.
You're right.
Next, if you have him do it.
That is true.
So then I take, I pick it up.
I'm like Haroon.
Both of us.
I'm rolling a constitution saving throw right now.
Yeah, that's fine.
That's okay.
14 plus.
I go over to Haroon.
We'll do it together.
16 for my constitution.
Hey, you're fine.
You're just like.
I rolled this many.
Five?
Oh, no.
Yeah, once they both start squeezing, you guys turn around and you start rolling.
Fine.
And I crush it.
And then I do patient defense and I run.
If he's within range, can I try to grab him before he gets away?
He's at disadvantage.
Disadvantage, you can try.
Strength.
Go ahead and do.
Disadvantage, though.
I go ahead and roll a potion.
Oh, shit.
20.
Oh, fuck.
Well, that disadvantage got me as a one.
Yes, I knew it.
I knew you were going to try to grab me.
Yeah, he tried to grab, but his hands were covered in shit and he kind of just like slips
and he's like.
No, no.
He goes to lunge.
You missed out.
He steps in the shit and then falls into the shit.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
He was trying to like get you when he kind of slipped in and fell in.
Yeah, I'm looking at it.
All right.
I lay down in it and I take a deep breath.
I'm like, it's okay, guys.
This should help me like disguise my scent.
There are no rivers nearby.
You're not going back in that fucking court.
I'm going to be constantly, not constantly, but every like 10 or five or 10 minutes or
so, Druidcraft like lavender in the air.
I'm going to reach a hand holding a small rag to Nick to be like, here, clean your face
at least.
Yeah, I clean my face with my hand.
As soon as he reaches for it, it's like a minor illusion, so his hand just goes right
through it.
I'm like.
Trust me.
It's okay.
I'll follow the tracks.
And then I want to like clear my chain.
That's another concept.
I'm sorry.
Make sure my eyes are...
Nick, roll me a con tube.
Natural fucking 20 that time.
I threw up that time.
That's a 17.
You threw up from seeing your heart show up.
Yeah, you're fine.
The smell doesn't bother you.
So now a question for you.
If I'm now...
I'm just comforting the Zog.
There, there, buddy.
It's like we told him not to do it and he did it.
It'll probably be harder for them.
Alright, I want to start following the tracks.
I'm not even saying the other word.
I'm wiping my face with the shit, like clearing my eye path, and then I'm going to start following
the tracks.
You seem kind of like, I don't know, fours, kind of like an animal covering shit.
Just following the tracks.
I'm ahead of Waze.
I'm keeping distance.
I'm going to keep distance as well, but I will cast Pass Without a Trace.
You're going to stealth through fours?
Stealth our way through here.
Imagine how horrifying that must be just to exist in that forest if you're anyone and
this shit covered arachnum eyes just crawling on all fours.
Arachnum barbaric comes out, you pissed us hell covered shit.
I would like to stealth and try to get, oh, not downwind from him.
Are you rolling any stealth at all or are you just going through the forest?
I mean, I was trying to keep enough distance from him that he couldn't immediately grab
me, but then I was trying to stealth.
Yeah, okay, everyone rolls stealth and you're trying to stealth.
Plus ten with Pass Without a Trace.
Oh no.
So plus ten.
Plus ten, yes.
Okay, so 22.
I rolled a five.
19.
13.
Yeah, Pass Without a Trace is plus ten to specifically stealth.
Oh, okay, well that adds to 23.
Okay, well then yeah, that adds to 22.
A one.
Natural one?
Natural one.
Is it a group check at least?
How far ahead of you from the group?
That was a decent chunk of head, so that's probably why.
Yeah, you got it.
My thing is 30 feet.
My radius.
I would say I'd probably be on 20 feet ahead.
Well, that means you've got to be close to me now, because I'm 30 feet ahead of that.
Oh, no, no, I'm outside the range.
I'm staying away from him, so I'm not in the range.
So yeah, you guys are kind of quiet and you see Harun kind of just looking back and he
just runs straight into a tree.
Wow, that's fun.
Does Harun even see us since we all stealthed?
Do I get advantage on dodging?
No, he was kind of looking back trying to, he's like, where'd you guys go when it just
hits a tree?
Harun, be a little bit more quiet bud.
Yeah, you don't know where that came from.
I love how the monkey's sass-swerving.
If he's getting closer to me, I'm like, we do scrambling up and starting to run again.
I'm getting closer to you, but dog crawl style as I'm following the tracks.
Oh, what?
You rolled a 22.
Yeah, you don't really see him coming.
What, no?
Yeah, he rolled a 22 for stealth.
What's your passive perception?
I passed it, it's probably 13.
I mean, you can roll in perception check if you're trying to kind of like.
I was trying to look for him.
If I don't see him.
Only perception checks.
He blends in with that ground.
If I don't see him, I'm assuming and I'm running into him.
Oh, like is it at disadvantage?
Because the only thing I passed him at that range, I'm covered in shit on a mud floor.
It'll be harder for him to see you.
And I am brown.
Yeah, I see me.
Yeah, what?
19.
Yeah, mine was 19, so you see me.
Yeah, but you don't see Nix.
Yeah, then I'm running.
I don't want to be covered in poop.
I'm running ahead.
You don't really see Nix, you're kind of just worried you're running.
Yeah, I stopped forgetting.
I'm just like running.
I'm trying to follow the tracks, but I'm also more paying attention that I don't want to
get covered in poop because you guys made such a big deal about how bad poop is.
He wants everyone to like him.
He's just spreading just lavender scent around me with my druid crown.
Yeah, you see, you're pretty far ahead and then you find what looks like a big open,
there's just a lot of trees and then there's just a giant cave in the center.
Can I try to stealth off to the side myself?
Like not enter the cave, but stealth off into the trees?
Are you trying to hide from your party?
I'm trying to hide from Nix.
Go ahead and roll me a stealth.
Nix, go ahead and roll your perception check.
It's kind of hard when he does the whole, what are the, the cronk?
14.
14?
Oh shit, I think mine was also 14.
Yeah, so you're trying to be sneaky, but Nix has already kind of just had to jump on you.
You think you're sneaky and then you're hiding on the side of the cave and then Nix is right behind you.
I come up from behind as he doesn't see me and take some of my poop and smear it on his face.
I hit him.
And I whisper as I do it, hey big boy, I missed you.
No, I hit him. I go to hit.
I mean, obviously you didn't smell him coming.
Oh shit.
16.
You miss.
Good try.
You go to hit and you swing really high, you're like, oh I forgot your short.
Well, I have two attacks, so.
Damn, I miss again.
My AC is 20, so.
I miss you twice. I was thinking about it.
You were just like, ah, shit boy.
I just start and just go like, ehh, and then I just hug him.
And then I'm like, I've already got it on me.
And I just try to smear it between us. I can't smell it.
I'm going to kind of whisper, yell, can we settle the fuck down?
I'm quiet the whole time.
I'm like holding you and just rubbing you on me like a giant loofah.
Do the tracks stay right to the cape?
Yes.
Okay, hey guys.
Alright, and then I go back to try to stealth and look for, wait, can you, oh no, you gave you the glasses.
Yeah, he stole my glasses.
Okay, well then yeah, I start walking through, I go like, well, seeing that this is kind of my home territory, let's see what's going on out here.
I have dark vision, I have to 60p.
I also have dark vision.
I think at this point, because of the glasses, I have 30.
Yeah, well that's why I specified 60, I didn't know I had 60.
Oh yeah, I got 60.
Alright, I'm going to try to stealth along with you since I'm already covered.
Since we're all together, plus 10, how long has it been since we've gotten out of here?
So 27.
It's been about like, about an hour or so trekking through the forest.
Has it been an hour or more than an hour?
It's been an hour.
It's been an hour after I was just running?
Yeah, you guys have been going through the forest kind of like following along.
He crawled on all fours like that for an hour?
Bro, I'm buff as fuck.
Can I get a last roll for plus 10?
Uh huh.
Okay, last roll plus 10.
First stealth.
No, it's a 22.
Yeah, same 22.
27.
That's a good one.
31.
Mine's a plus 10.
21.
Alright, so you guys are kind of like quietly sneaking around the cave.
You guys do notice there's a puget smell of shit.
Yikes, god dammit.
I'm going to go inside the cave.
Inside the cave, okay.
The side of the cave.
I'm going to look at the wall then.
Yeah, I'm going to investigate the...well no, I'm not going to investigate the pile of shit.
No, it just smells like shit.
I don't want to have a Jurassic Park moment.
I feel like we're opposite sides and we're just spreading those shit smells.
There's no smell of shit, but it just smells like a lot of shit.
It smells like someone's covered in shit.
It's a mystery.
It smells like a whore port and a gnome's worth of shit covered in purses.
I'm going to whisper over to them, can y'all get together?
And you guys be on that side of the cave, we'll be on this side of the cave.
Can you see me? I have a 31.
I think we all work together.
Also, a gnome's worth of shit goes crazy.
In the day.
You are also in my Passes Out of Trash thing.
You're just nowhere near five if you can't roll the CS.
We're all skeleton together.
I can feel your presence.
Yeah, I mean, there's a sign that you guys are near five.
Well yeah, if you have advantage on perception checks based off of smell.
I think if something smells like shit, it's not a matter of how stealthy the shit is.
It still smells like shit.
That's like an area, like an aura.
That's not like pinpointed.
Especially if we're on opposite sides, like this whole cave stank.
No, no, I put on the shit to gain advantage.
It's more like their shit, so they're like, ah, that's what it is.
A familiar stank.
They're nose-blind.
Who do we see when we're going through this cave?
You just see lots of bones and rags.
As you're trekking through, you see in the center what looks like an old fire that has been out.
And there's three dire wolves sleeping.
So we can see each other, right?
These are my people?
Yeah.
So can we see each other and talk to each other?
Yeah, you guys are kind of just whispering in there.
I don't think beasts make fires.
Beasts do not make fires.
As long as you turn into a wolf, they even know that it was one of them.
I mean, it is still kind of weird, though.
There's no humans there at all.
There's just three dire wolves.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, shit.
I have a feeling either these aren't wolves or their owner is somewhere else.
I remember when we did cast Detect Magic.
It's not Detect Magic, but basically Detect Magic.
It's not going to make a little light show?
Would it?
No, because it's part of my magic.
It's not really Detect Magic.
It's my magic awareness feature.
It's barbarian, but it functions exactly like.
So I am just naturally aware of magic.
Okay.
So if you cast that.
Okay.
These wolves aren't magic.
Is there any magic within 60 feet of me in this area?
In the cave, no.
Okay.
I'd like to coat some darts in the meantime with poison.
While they're still sleeping, just in case, I am going to just turn into a dire wolf,
just in case, for things that might happen.
Can you be a slightly different color?
Because I'm about to dart these wolves.
I mean, I'm not going to go near them.
They're sleeping.
I'm going to stay near you guys, but just in case they wake up, I want to be a dire wolf.
Did you know there's a submissive body language, Will?
Of a dire wolf?
Of wolves.
When you introduce, you've got to show them that you're cool.
No, no, no.
Lasagna is always the top.
In a dire wolf form, he's more like a power bottom.
He's got that dog in him.
The power gets generated from the bottom, so that's why they call it that.
Boom.
She should call me.
Can I do a quick perception check just on the cave?
Yeah.
Since this is still technically in a forest, would I still get a favorite terrain advantage?
All right, cool.
I'm a dog.
As my dog, I'm going to roll a perception check, and I get advantage on scent-based things.
Well, that's going to be an 11.
I'm going to let the dogs out.
You're kind of looking around.
You just see they're kind of snoozing.
You can see the bones everywhere.
26.
Various sizes.
You see animals.
It looks like animals.
Is he looking around the cave too?
Yeah, but with my 26 advantage, do I smell anything that's not a dire wolf and that's not shit?
How far?
It just says when it comes to dire wolves, I get advantage on scent-based perception checks.
You just smell another smell approaching.
Like where we came in from?
Yes.
I'm going to kind of...
Who's next to me?
You're a wolf.
That's why I'm asking.
Who's next to me?
I'd probably be next to you.
Yeah, next to your horus.
I'm going to nudge your horus and look behind me and just keep...
You know how a dog does when he wants to look a certain way or go somewhere.
Jokingly, I do say, what is it, boy?
Then I have bowed the face and I look in the other direction.
Timmy fell down a well.
Timmy fell down a well?
To me, he's covered in shit.
You see this, what looks like this little, like an older looking little wood elf with a cane kind of walking into the cave.
Like, what are you doing in my cane?
My jaw is on the ground because I realized that she can see me.
I'm going to just...
I don't have...
I just have my bow in my hand, but I sling it across my chest and I say in a hushed tone, there are wolves in this cave.
Yeah, they're mine.
Can I speak to you outside, please?
She's kind of at the entrance and she's like, I guess...
What?
She's just like...
She really treats you dogs.
She's here, just getting that smell and just like...
I think they've been pooping.
Yeah, you've got to treat your dire wolves dogs.
I'm going to blame it on the dog.
I mean her at the front of the cave.
You see her whistle and the dire wolves get up and start following.
They kind of just go towards her and she's like, she's the two of you covered in shit.
What?
He did it.
He looks at you guys and goes, Laura.
I say nothing. I stare at her intensely, covered in shit.
Please ignore them.
They're children, covered in poop.
Whaaat?
As you can clearly tell.
Yeah, I'm just going to address the lady.
How is she dressed, by the way?
She just has what looks like a large shawl and she just has a necklace and a walking stick.
Ma'am, first and foremost, how are you?
I was going to say, okay, I'm alive.
Thank goodness.
Second, are you aware of the recent attacks that have been happening in this forest?
What attacks?
There's a village not too far away from here that has been getting terrorized and denied by creatures.
You see her kind of leaning up against a tree.
What kind of creatures?
Well, we fought one of them last night and it almost felled one of us.
Thankfully, we proved to be much mightier than it.
There was some sort of two-headed beast.
You didn't like one of my creations?
Okay.
As she starts cackling and then she starts chanting as the wolves just start getting fused together.
I bite her.
Huh?
I bite her.
I jump at her.
She's become part of a wolf pack.
As you see these wolves fused together, she waves goodbye and goes into the tree.
Can I?
Because she moved away from me.
She goes into the tree.
Can I?
It's a fucking opportunity.
She had the wolves in front of her.
Dick and ass and balls and penis.
All right.
She waves to the lose and then goes into the tree.
You know.
Is it a spell?
Huh?
No, I know what she's doing.
Yeah, I know what spell it is.
I just want to confirm though for her it is a spell.
Yes.
I'd like to counterspell it.
Counterspell roll it.
Let's go.
Roll it.
Please don't leave so soon.
She's going to counterspell your counterspell.
No.
Fuck.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hold on.
Did she get to roll for it too?
No, no.
It's a reaction.
Huh?
I don't have actions.
I'm going to go take a piss about that.
It's a...
So just to...
So it automatically works on the counterspell because it's a three level or lower.
You see her kind of wing and then like disappear and you're like, fuck, this person was not
a sweet old lady as you were expecting.
And you see these creatures kind of like...
It looks like their life is kind of like they just start fusing into this three headed creature
and then just start snarling.
Is there any chance because I said I was waiting to throw those two darts at the wolves that
I can at least throw the two little darts?
At the wolves?
I can at least throw the wolves.
Okay.
All right.
I'll just roll my separate attacks.
It's a 20 and a 19.
Oh shit.
Yeah.
Onto the wood.
The darts hit...
They're just regular darts, right?
They're poison.
Poison?
All right.
Perfect.
Yeah.
So does that do anything?
Poison does.
Poison does?
Okay.
Yeah.
The darts kind of just bounce off but the poison kind of just splatters on top of it.
Okay.
I don't know what you said for the poison that you gave me.
It says basic.
Basic.
A DC 10 constitution throw.
I think I...
Did I say a d6 or a d4 for those?
Well, actually it looked up poison vial basic and how many uses.
You said I had 10 uses.
So this is the preset rules where it's a DC 10 constitution.
I was going to lay out a bonus, like a poison bonus.
Whatever you say.
We'll say it's a d6.
We'll give you a d6.
Do you still have to roll the save or is it just a d6?
No.
So you're doing poison damage on them as opposed to them being poisoned.
It's not like they're getting...
Yeah.
It's a damage side, not the actual effect.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I get you.
Honestly, being poisoned is kind of boring.
It's almost like...
Three and five.
So eight points.
Eight points.
Yeah.
I used to just say kind of like the darts hit and then it just...
Can I close the distance as much as I can against the close cities?
Oh, we're actually about to roll a nation.
Okay.
I was just saying that was my hell.
Just out of curiosity now, because I just want to understand further.
This was transport via plants.
Yep.
Okay.
I would just want to make sure it was like she teleported somewhere and not like she
teleported into the fucking tree.
Nope.
As a druid, you're like...
Yeah, I know.
Druids have seen that spell.
Yeah.
So you're just like, holy shit.
You're like...
You've never seen an evil druid.
Cracks.
So you're just like, what the fuck?
You... actually...
17 for my initiative.
Whoever's next to the Zogma disease is looking at his face with bewilderment and panic.
I understand.
You get that panic and then die.
So I got an 18 on my...
Let's see.
Yeah.
I'm trying to think of what you get next.
Probably that type of spell.
13.
You know what I mean?
Wait, so...
Was I 18?
17.
17?
Okay.
Frankie got 18.
Yeah, that spell is like as long as you are familiar or you have touched the tree, you
can teleport to that tree.
But it's gotta be a big tree, you know?
It can be like a little ash tree.
It's gotta be a tree that you can...
Yeah.
Right.
Wow, that's a four.
Any bonus?
That is a total.
What did you get next?
With the bonus.
What did you get, Harun?
Nine.
Nine?
All right.
What did the bad guys get?
The bad guys got 20.
12?
20.
Oh, shit.
So, bad guys.
And then you got four, hooray.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
Bad guys.
Frankie.
Lasogna.
Harun and Yoharis.
First on deck is...
Who are we fighting?
Up there.
Who are we fighting?
A bitch.
It's a three-headed wolf.
Oh, so is it just one instead of multiple now?
Yeah, it's just kind of fused together.
Oh, fuck yes.
Okay, that works out.
And remember, your fucking...
Whatever weapon you're using is corded in...
A four-sword.
Corded in...
How much?
Necrotic poison.
What's the bonus?
Balls and dick and penis.
Let me look it up.
Do we want to use minis for this?
Is it just a one or do you guys want to...
It's just a one.
I don't think we have to super-tactable play.
Let's see.
A creature hit by the poisoned weapon or ammunition must succeed on a DC-10 constitution saving
throw or take 1d4 poison damage.
Once applied, the poison retains potency for one...
No, fuck that.
Fuck that.
Fuck that last part.
That didn't happen actually.
No, we were doing...
That one does necrotic damage.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so I think that one we were doing...
Was it 1d6 necrotic or 1d6?
1d6 for you.
1d6 for me.
No DC, just roll that extra.
Roll that extra?
Fuck yes.
All right, yeah, so we'll just do a...
If you say D6, we'll just...
You'll say an extra D6 necrotic damage.
Let's go.
Wonderful.
I like how you added to your razor-sharp sword also the power of death.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I feel like that's just more fun than having to do the save because...
I mean, if you're paying for this crazy thing...
It's such a low DC for these basic poisons too that I'm like this level...
Most of the things we fight, I feel like, are just gonna be able to like...
No, out of the...
Yeah, which is why I like...
It just adds a little bonus.
Adds a lot.
That's pretty good.
Because when I bought that poison, that was most of my gold.
Yeah, because I feel like it's a little more fun because then it's like a more incentive
for you to actually do stuff with that and use it.
True.
Yeah.
But let's get into it.
Yeah, so the wolf is first.
You see, Nyx was ready to get... he's covered in shit and he's ready.
And this thing is gonna go for Nyx first because you threw yourself in the way because you're
a big old crazy man.
Yeah.
So he's covered in shit.
Yes.
And he's going to bite him.
Uh-huh.
Let's go!
So you see what I'm saying.
24 hit.
God damn it, yes.
Yeah.
This is before I raged, god damn it.
Do you want to try to stop him?
Huh?
Do you want to try to stop him?
I think if you did it, he'd have a low chance of hitting me again.
It's a good thing.
12 damage for the first hit.
22 to hit.
God damn, bro.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna silver and barns him.
All right.
Please roll again.
That one is 10.
Yep, that's a miss.
Hey, Nyx, one advantage.
There you go.
Oh, thank you.
And then the third head is gonna go for a bite.
Okay.
Does a natural 20 hit.
Jesus!
Whoops.
That one was all good.
That one is 17 damage.
Okay, okay.
I can take it.
As you see, like, the two heads just chomp into you.
One of them misses, but the other two just manage to just bite in and just start tearing
into you.
Okay.
I'm chilling, I'm chilling.
All good?
I'm just getting pissed.
Frankie, it's your turn.
You just saw this three-handed wolf creature just start biting into Nyx.
Okay, good.
And...
Gotcha.
I have a wolf there.
All of my stuff is a great against this.
Hey, Mark, how much poison damage did you do?
You did a...
I did nine.
Okay.
So I'm sure I got that before, I forgot.
I will enlarge Nyx.
So is he, like, normal size?
I am small, so now I am medium.
So you're like six feet.
But you were still just as beefy, so it's like, you're like, you're like, you're like,
you're like a little dog.
I'm like, I'm like a little dog.
I'm like a little dog.
You were still just as beefy, so it's like, whoa.
Yeah.
How tall are you?
Three feet.
So now you're six feet.
Now you're six feet.
Holy shit.
Even as a Nellie, are you actually a small size category though, or just a small?
Okay.
Well, in any case, you are now regular person size, and you get an extra D4 of damage to
your attacks.
He's a small medium at large.
Yeah, I didn't know that in the first part of our camp, the first time we ran it, and
then I actually looked at my Nellie and was like, yeah, you're up to 50 pounds.
Jesus Christ.
So you're tiny.
Yeah, so you see him, now he's six foot.
You're like, oh.
This is what I was meant to be.
Yeah, I'm looking at everyone.
Let's go.
You're not getting on me.
I think your heart is still taller than you.
Yeah, I'm six six.
God damn it.
And then I will.
Closer then.
Yeah, that's true.
Does that give me any bonus other than you said advantage?
Advantage on strength.
It gives you a D4, gives you an extra D4, you have advantage on strength checks and strength
saving throws.
You gotta get that with your range.
Yeah, each one of your attacks is going to do an extra D4 until I let it go.
And then I'll also inspire you with my bonus action and say, Nix, fuck his shit.
You got that bargain's range.
You got a D8, sir, for one.
Frankie's like, I'm not going to get in there.
I'm going to help you, but I'm not going to touch that.
Yeah.
There's a lot of poop real close in.
These are really nice pants.
He's really in the shit right now.
I ain't afraid.
So that's Frankie's turn.
Lasagna, you're on deck.
You got the munchies.
Yeah, I am going to deform.
That's selfless special.
I'm going to deform into normal lasagna from my dire wolf.
And then I'm going to cast Bless at the second level.
It's my last second level slot.
And I'm going to use it on all four of them.
Oh yeah.
You also got Bless too.
So now you have a D4 to any attack roll and saving throw.
Does that mean holy shit?
Holy shit, actually.
Oh my god.
So remember, Nix, you have an additional D4 on top of your additional D6.
Yeah, I got my hit die and my damage die.
Hit die, yes.
You got a bathtub full of dice that you can throw on it.
Now you get a D4 for your attacks.
He's vibrating right now.
He's just like, in your D8.
How much more can we jack up Nix?
I mean, he's already a size of a normal man now, so.
I don't think I was in attack, I don't think I was up near this person, was I?
You were kind of close to the cave, so Nix is kind of in between you and him.
Okay, so I'm going to just kind of back up still a little bit to not get super close.
To the poopy man?
Yeah.
But yeah, that's my turn.
All right, Nix, it's your turn.
First move, first.
You see him vibrating with excitement to fight.
All right, so not this turn, but every turn after this I use my bone section to shoot that.
Radiating light again.
Okay.
And then I'm going to try to hit the motherfucker.
With the D4.
With the, yep.
And I say, that does 21 hit.
21 hits?
Yeah.
You got him done fucked up now.
Aw.
That rolled.
Plus.
Could have been lower.
It was all twos and ones.
Could have been lower.
Plus, what's my damage, sorry?
I got plus six.
So two, four, five, plus seven, twelve.
Twelve damage, all right.
Yeah.
And then I hit him again.
Does an 18 hit?
18 hits, yep.
Five, eight, ten.
18 damage.
Do it.
And then I just kind of sit there right in front of him like me mugging him eye to eye
now, or as close to eye to eye as I can.
You slice it into him and he just, it's taking it and he's still just fucking pissed.
Okay.
Roaring.
Jaylen, you got it.
There was a mosquito on your face.
Oh damn.
Yeah.
Fell a little thumbs up.
Cool, thank you.
Does everyone want to suck on Jaylen?
Oh.
Yeah, that's my turn.
Harun, it's your turn.
Guys, you see your friend fighting this, still covering the shit.
You're still covering, you still have a lot of shit on you as well.
Okay.
I'm going to just come in there from the other side that Nix is at, right?
So I can get flanking.
Okay.
And I'm hitting him with my short sword.
With the D4.
You're blessed.
Bless up.
Holy shit.
Stay blessed.
What does 14 hit?
14 does not hit.
Is that with your bonus?
Yeah, with my D4.
I got a 4.
Didn't you roll a 10?
I rolled a 10.
Oh, that's right.
Sorry, I didn't do my 9.
So that would have been 23.
23 would have hit you.
I was like, I don't know.
That's like, hold on.
You're like, you're a monk.
Yeah, 23 hits.
All right.
I was like, that's real low, but all right.
All right, so my damage should be a D6 plus 6.
So that would be 11 for the first hit.
Your hits count as magic, right?
Yes.
Perfect.
Well, actually, that's a plus 2 sword.
So that's a magic sword.
Oh, you hit with your sword.
But my fist also, for like a round up when I'm going to hit him again, it still also
counts.
Okay, so the first one is going to be, yeah, the first one is my attack with my short sword.
My second attack, you know what, we'll actually make that a short sword too.
Okay, so that is 22 plus 9, 31.
A 31?
No, that doesn't hit.
Are you so scared?
Another 8 points.
And then...
What's up with Daylight and all the sponsors?
I don't think it's...
I'm going to use...
Fury Blows to make two unarmed attacks.
So...
He's like, now I'm going to use my hand to drop the swords.
29.
That hits.
First attack, which is 8 points extra.
And for my extra unarmed strike...
Natural 20.
So that's another...
I think 6.
I rolled a 1 plus 4 is 5.
Well, that's double 2.
2 plus 5.
2 plus 5 is 7.
So you cast 7.
You cast 7.
That's what it's supposed to be.
Instead of just rolling double the amount of dice, you just double what the normal roll is.
At this point, I don't even know if I'm going to be able to attack the motherfucker.
Could I also...
I mean, yeah.
It says when you hit with your Fury Blows attacks, you can impose one of the following effects.
The prone knockback or...
Yeah, I want to see about...
I think it's a strength saving throw, no matter what it is.
I think prone.
So it's a deck saving throw.
A deck saving throw.
20, not natural.
All right.
And he doesn't get knocked prone, but he did get knocked the fuck up.
He's punching it and he's kind of just...
Still growling.
Did he hit all three?
I like to imagine he hit all three different heads during that entire...
Yeah, because I swung him a short sword twice.
I'm like, I'm just like, slice, slice, punch, punch.
Yoharis, it is your turn.
Oh boy.
All right, so I'm right up next to him, right?
You're maybe like 10, 20 feet away from me.
You can go next to it if you want.
No, I'm fine.
All right.
Well, I don't know.
Your friends are flanking him, so right in front of him is Nyx covered in shit still.
And right behind him is Harun also covered in shit.
Well, I mean, I got a natural 20 on my last roll for Constitution, so I won't be...
Does the shit expand in large too?
Does the shit fall...
Is like Hulk rules where he just goes with me?
Yeah, dude, you're still covered in shit.
I would have really liked to have just had the shit fly off of him at least a little bit when he fucking expanded Dong.
I mean, some chunks fell off.
So he's been crawling around, so it's kind of just dried on to him at this point because he's been crawling around for so long in it.
Yeah, I already shit caked six foot rock and I'm goddamn anywhere.
Let's go.
I do suppose since I got a long sword and I'm getting flank bonus on this motherfucker that I will get into melee range and I will roll with it.
One moment.
I do...
You give me some sort of bonus with this, correct?
D4.
Yes.
Everybody D4 and everybody...
What are you gonna move?
Long sword, all right, so that's...
Regular long sword?
Yeah, just a regular long sword.
Okay.
Seven plus five is 12, plus three is 15.
Does a 15 hit?
15 does not hit.
Fuck!
All right, well it's a good thing I get two attacks.
Did you roll with the bench if you're getting into flanking?
There and them two are flanking with each other.
There's nobody else to help him flank.
Oh, I thought he was just charismacally coming out of his tower.
So that's gonna be an eight plus...
Four, that's a nine.
Yeah, you see him kinda...
He's always trying to cover his nose while flicking it and just kinda missing.
He's just taking it up below just like...
Well, I think at that point I'm just going to, as a bonus action, use Misty Step to get
myself as far away as possible.
Let's see, up to 30 feet, so I'm going to use my full 30 feet and Misty Step the fuck
away.
Dog.
Using a spell?
As a ranger, I know, who would have guessed?
All right, it is the wolves turn.
Nix, is there a tune in to you?
Still has a blood list for you?
I feel like he needs to roll for hepatitis for biting him.
I'm assuming a 14 doesn't hit.
No, it does not.
I'm going to roll for a 10 and a natural 20.
Oh my fucking god.
Silver barbs, no thank you.
Oh, you're right, you're right.
Thank you.
What a guy.
Thank you for that.
My 20.
21.
Fuck!
It's not a crit.
I'm happy it's not a crit, but these guys keep...
What's the bonus to hit, man?
Huh?
What's their bonus to hit?
Oh, they're pretty strong.
I mean, I missed both my first attacks.
That's true.
Gotta keep that meat shield going.
That's 11 damage.
Okay, so that's...
Wait, I'm raging, so that's five?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Let's go.
It is Frankie's turn.
I see this thing kind of chomping around saying, Nix man just dodged two of the attacks, gets
a little cocky, gets caught by the third one.
They're not thrown off by the smell of the shit.
He bites me, he has to eat shit.
Literally.
I'm going to hit him with a vicious mockery and I will say, you must be hungry if you're
eating all that shit.
And he needs to make a wisdom saving throw.
I was going to say something like that, like, eat shit.
12.
12?
Yeah, it's not going to do it on my 16.
So, let's see.
It's going to be four, come on, max damage.
Nope.
Five sighting damage, and they have disadvantage on the next attack roll it makes.
And then, do I have anything else on?
Yeah.
No, you hit it hard.
But you still have your bardic inspiration, don't you?
Yeah.
Okay.
I will use it.
It runs off of flanking with that.
And I'm telling you, I get advantage.
I also have reckless attacks.
True.
I will give...
Smart choice.
Bardic inspiration to Y'Horus, and I'm going to say, keep your shit up, little fella, you
got this.
Who the fuck you calling little?
That's your anger is making you shoot better.
That's a d8 for an ability check attack roll or saving throw.
Is he nagging you?
Someone is nagging.
Y'Horus doesn't respond to positive reinforcement.
Lazane, it is your turn.
What was your action?
To, uh, bitch mockery.
Oh, okay.
Call him a bitch.
I call on you a bitch.
And then I'm going to be like, this is what I did to your friend yesterday, I'm going
to put my hands together as if I'm doing a Kamehameha, and then just throw a guiding
bolt right at him.
Perfect.
At the third level.
That is actually for me.
Is it an attacker or is it a save for me?
It's me, I'm trying to attack you, it's a pesty.
Uh, 21 to hit.
21 hits.
Alright, so this is going to be, this is at the 6d6s, uh, because this is going to be
at the third level.
You got your bag of dice right there.
And we're just going to roll these three.
Oh, actually, just give me those four right there, perfect.
Oh, 12, 14, 17, thank you Gonzo, 19, 24 damage, radiant damage to this man.
It is still standing.
Holy shit.
Don't burn it.
Yeah, you see it just draw, react, and it's still, still standing.
I'm going to be like, now this is where I come in, eat shit, and that'll be my bonus
action.
Oh, actually, sorry, no, my bonus action will still be eat shit, but it'll be in the form
of healing word to Nix.
Lesson in song, more in front.
So this, uh, 1d4, 3 plus 5, so 8 HP back to you.
Thank you, thank you.
Nix, it's your turn.
Thank you.
So my first move is I'm shooting that guiding bolt, not guiding bolt, but that radiant bolt
out of my chest.
You have advantage on this because of the guiding bolt.
It's a spell save.
Oh, it's a spell save, sorry.
What?
14.
14 what though?
Con.
Okay.
13.
Woo, he's blinded.
Perfect.
It takes 1 to 6.
5.
So he takes 5 radiant damage.
Alright, still left.
Okay, cool.
So he's blinded until the end of my next turn.
Alright.
Uh, that's 28 hit.
28 hits.
I should have.
17 damage.
I did guiding bolt to give advantage, but they already have advantage, so now it's like,
I just love this dynamic.
A robot on one side.
And a really tall nix on the other.
We're still covered in shit.
We're both covered in shit.
I know you're both covered in shit.
Shit boys.
22.
22 to hit?
22 hits.
Uh, 19.
Alright, this thing's still alive.
Holy moly.
It's looking pretty damaged, but it's still standing.
When he's attacking it, specifically nix, can we notice that the damage is a little
bit less effective than other attacks?
Um, you see his sword cutting in the- I have a magical sword.
Oh, okay, okay.
Sorry.
My bad.
I thought your stuff was still non-magical.
I forgot about that.
No, that was like my first item that I bought before we hit the tree.
Okay, nevermind.
He spent his money well.
Like shiny.
Shiny.
How many is your turn?
Alright, I'm gonna hit him with that sword.
I'm gonna hit him with that sword.
D4.
Alright, D4.
Oh yes, you're gonna need that.
Okay, okay, yeah, during 20.
Hit.
Okay, that's, uh, a D6.
That's, uh, 10 damage there, and I'm gonna try to do a stun and strike on his ass.
So, uh, do a DC something, Kahn say anything?
It doesn't matter, roll two.
I'm assuming anything, I'm assuming anything that you're not asking.
Yeah.
So yeah, it, uh, stunned, it's stunned until the end of my next turn.
So it's blind and stunned.
So, as soon as he freezes up, I'm gonna, I'm gonna just try to stab right into him again
with my short sword, and, uh, 24.
He rolled with advantage and rolled two 12s.
Okay.
Yeah, stunned means all of us got advantage.
It impales all strength and dex saves.
Oh hell yeah.
He's also blind.
He's also blind, which means the same thing.
So that's another, uh, eight points of, uh, of damage, and that, that wasn't, um, that
wasn't, uh, bonus action for the stunning strike, so I'm gonna do a fury of blows.
Oh no.
Let's see, uh, 14.
14 does not hit.
The first one?
Okay.
And, uh, 23.
23 hits.
Okay.
Uh, so that's another nine points.
This thing still stands.
Yeah.
It's stunned though.
It's stunned and blind, but it's-
The stun is amazing.
It's not doing a thing until it gets a whole turn.
It has like no idea what the fuck is going on.
I think it actually, once I, once I like, I stun it and hit it a few times, I think I'm
just kind of like gonna like boxer, like jog back and like, and like let the other people
get in there.
This guy's basically in a sensory deprivation tank getting jumped.
This has no idea what to do at this point, trying to figure it out.
It's pure aims of like pure fight or flight instance with this man right now.
Is that your turn, Harun?
Yeah, that's it.
Uh, your turn, Harun.
The only thing I can think of right now is that song and the chorus is, I'm still standing.
All right.
Wow.
Let him cook, let him cook.
You have the advantage.
That's true.
Yeah, shoot him.
I also have a D4 and a D8 to hit on top of everything, so I'm gonna try and shoot him
with my bow.
Shoot him with his blood.
What kind of arrow are you using?
I'm gonna be using one of the necrotic ones.
Perfect.
Save that D8 unless you need it.
I think you can just roll it.
I already rolled it.
Okay.
So I'm gonna roll a 14, 15 plus seven.
That hits.
22 hit, yeah.
Well, roll that D20 one more time.
See if you got a nat 20.
Ah, okay.
You never know, man.
You never know.
That's fair enough.
For the audience at home, the first one was a seven and then the one after that was a
six, so.
Hopefully you had all your bonuses.
That's true.
All right.
Your bonuses.
I should have cast Hunter's Mark before this.
I forgot about it.
But yeah, that's gonna be dick and balls and ass and penis.
D8 plus two, so that's eight damage total.
Then plus a D6 because of my necrotic, which is six.
Ooh, 14.
So we do 14 motherfucking damage and also.
I get two attacks.
So.
You got a Hunter's Mark before this one?
Yes!
Thank you.
You're welcome.
It was a tough day at work, so I needed a reminder.
I'm gonna cast it at the first level, which gives me a D6 additional.
First level, that's cute.
Fuck you.
I don't know if the bitch in the trees is still gonna be around after this.
I'm over here scrolling through my page and a half worth of fucking spells to see what
I can do.
That's a good one.
Artic inspiration, since I already used it on the first one.
That means one and done?
Alright, cool.
Just making sure.
Alright.
Alright, actions.
That's gonna be.
Well that's a natural 20 plus a four plus seven.
Oh yeah, it hits!
So, that's gonna be.
A lot of damage.
That's what the fuck is a D8 but a Miserable Clown of Secrets.
Yeah, so that's two D8 plus two, so that's eight.
Holy shit.
It was double the eight, yeah.
Yeah, it was just double the eight.
So that's 16 plus two, which is 18, plus Necrotic, which is a D6, that's four, plus Hunter's
Mark, which is a D6, so that's six.
Yeah, you see Yoharis.
So it's a eight and another twelve.
He kills it.
Yoharis kinda like, you see the heads are stunned and you see him shoot an arrow through
all three of the heads.
You killed a stunned man.
That's great, I was backing up and then I just see Yoharis visual.
You see him just draw his bow and just shoot through all three heads.
My first move is going to be to cut off all the heads.
It's not just a rat initiative, right?
Yeah.
I'm physically...
No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Watch, he's doing that on a search because you know why.
Well those arrows are much plus one arrows so I killed the shit out of him.
Look at it, Ferris.
Nix, Nix, Nix.
Don't cut off its heads.
Skin it and then you have a helmet and two pauldrons, all wolves.
Can I like...
Thank you.
And I ain't going, skin it now.
No.
I'm like laying over this thing like...
I'm going to search the cave.
Let's look at it, Ferris.
I'm going to do a quick perception check on the trees.
I'm going to do, I'm going to see, can I do like a medicine or like an arcana to like
check out this animal?
Do a hunt and do me an arcana.
You do me an investigation of the cave and then we'll do it individually.
So we'll do, I'm going to do a
search in the cave, we'll do you the trees, then we'll do you.
Nix, what were you doing?
I was going to skin it.
I'm like stop, I'm laying over it while I'm moving it over the arcana.
Frank, what are you doing?
I was going to...
Okay, so you see them kind of like trying to like look at this creature.
If I see them trying to skin it, I'm going to go look at the cave.
Yeah, you see them kind of arguing about it and you just...
Lasagna walks into the cave and you, what did you get for...
Oh, I haven't rolled yet.
As you see...
Oh yeah, that's an 18 plus eight.
You see him pasquane the trees, yawing, such bow draw, you don't see anything.
In character, fuck.
In the cave?
In the cave you find tons of bones, what looks like varying sizes.
What did you roll again?
You got 19?
19 from my investigation.
You find a lot of bones varying from what looks like the size of children and adults.
There's animal bones too.
And you find a lot of what looks like ingredients and like looks like other...
There are markings and runes kind of written across the walls and the ground.
Are there any ha runes?
Ha!
You see various components and there's like a color of blood and you see components that use their spells.
Can I try to figure out what she was doing here?
Obviously it looks like some type of whatever the fuck the dog is, so it's like trying to put together what the fuck she's trying to do.
Yeah, you also notice some of the bones were kind of fused together and looked like unnaturally combined.
Some type of transmutation?
Some sort of abomination against...
I don't need to say trans in there, so some type of mutation in there.
Oh jeez, that's weird.
Come on, just because they want their daughter and their dog to go along a little better.
Oh, it's a little bit of a shock trigger.
It would.
Yeah, so you just see... you think acts against nature.
Haha, get it.
Yeah, there's just blood and there are other components you see for like magic.
There's blood?
Yeah, there's a cauldron full of blood.
How you doing there?
That's a whole cauldron.
Yeah, you're kind of just queasy and you find a book as well.
There's like a little altar with candles.
I'll take any paperwork that's being left around of what she was doing.
There's a book bound in leather.
Oh, is it?
It's leather?
Oh, I'm gonna touch it and try to see what kind of leather this is.
Go ahead and roll me an investigation.
Oh god.
Is there a mouth on it?
Ugh, guidance.
I wrote a natural one.
You're just like, it's leather.
You're assuming it's some sort of cowhide.
I hope it's cowhide.
Forget about your worries and your skin.
Is that a full metal alchemist?
Yeah.
God, wow, that is terrible.
We're all going to hell together.
We're going to combine.
Yeah, the chimera, right?
The guy that brought his daughter with him and then she put on the dog costume.
I was like, bro.
Diabolical.
I respect him so much.
So you find a book bound in a strange leather.
You don't really find anything that looks like a normal leather book to you?
I'm going to open it up and just try to see what's going on in there.
It's written in druidic.
Oh, okay.
Obviously I know that.
I would hope you know what you're reading.
Yes.
It looks like ramblings.
I think at first they're just like a lot of...
Are you going to read through it?
I'll take up my time to read through it.
Maybe the first page, you just open it up to a random page and see what it says in there.
I'm not going to read through the whole bottom one right now.
We go through one of the random pages.
It says subject only stayed alive for two hours.
Okay, that's depressing.
I'm going to immediately close it and try to get back with the group and see what we got.
I rolled a 17 on the arcana check for this thing.
You can definitely tell that this isn't natural.
This is some sort of magic that turned this creature into this monstrosity.
If that's all I can tell, then I'd like to help Nyx to chop it up.
I'm going to skin it.
Specifically skin it.
I want a helmet.
Go ahead and roll me a survival check.
You got this, Nyx.
Before he skins them.
It looks like she's trying to fuse some animals together.
It was a two for the second roll.
I thought it was a 20.
I still have mine, actually.
Artic Inspiration?
It's DA?
Okay, that's 21.
With precision, you're so inspired. You cut it perfectly.
There's still holes in there.
There's obviously a lot of holes and slashes from you guys cutting into this thing.
For the most part, seeing as you're a fairly small person,
be able to cut off and make a coat big enough for you in your normal size.
Cool. Can I make a helmet out of this gold?
You could.
I feel like a dog's head can't be too much of a helmet.
These are direwolves, so it's not like they're dog-sized.
They won't fit you right now unless they're huge.
Did you shrink him?
This thing also got huge when it got fused.
It was bigger than normal.
There's three heads.
I'm trying to create a little cap for myself.
Three chances.
With 21 for a owl, you skinned it and cut off the heads.
What do I get out of skinning it?
You just get this really cool fur coat.
Does it have any, like...
You can say warmth if you go to a cold environment.
Is it resistant to magic still?
No.
I mean, non-magical attack still?
Was the skin itself enchanted?
The skin itself is pretty hard.
Nice.
Well, no, that's hard.
Can the helmet, possibly, since it's so hard, possibly give plus one AC?
No.
Damn it.
So if you're wearing this, it'll be harder for you to get hit because it's pretty tough fur.
I mean, you obviously saw what regular things were doing to it.
I'll walk around with this.
Approaching Lasagna.
What did you find in the carrier?
Looks like she was doing some type of transmutation magic here.
She's long gone now.
Maybe you walk in, you see the runes, you see the scribblings on the ground.
The weird looking bones.
Yeah, you see bones there.
Some of them what looks like ribcage is fused together and two heads on one top or so.
I'll show them the book.
There is also this book left on the altar.
Apparently she was doing some other experiments on things and wrote down what she found out about it.
Well, I wouldn't have expected a witch, but at least we found the cause.
I don't know where she went though.
I mean, even though she was pretty smart, she's a druid.
She's like me.
What was the last thing that was written inside?
Oh, I didn't think of that.
I'll open up to the last page of the book.
See what it says.
It says, I'm sending my lady's creation to town for dinner.
For dinner?
Yeah.
I'll definitely relay that information.
Was there a date on it at all?
No, just written down.
Okay.
I mean, so I think she purposely, she obviously sent that thing in there on purpose to try to get dinner.
But I don't know where she went.
What time of day is it?
Right now it's like mid afternoon because you guys woke up at 1 am.
You said there was a room inside the cave?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm in there.
I'm going to go inside the cave and I'm going to try doing a ritual, identify on one of the rooms.
See if it tells me anything about the magic going on here.
Some of it was, some of these had to do with necromancy magic, so it was a mixture of necromancy along with like, ruining nature.
Gotcha.
Any type of spices I see I will add to my collection.
Yeah, you see there's spices, there's herbs, there are like bat wings, there's like a jar of eyes.
Well nothing like crazy, more of like, you know, like culinary ingredients.
Is there any hats?
There's flour, beans, and bones.
Roll me in a message and see if you can find a hat.
Guidance.
I feel like I should get advantage of him looking for a hat.
He knows a hat, like I know he's a hat.
I just feel like there's going to be some real gross ones in here.
So I was, cause you told us about the dinner time thing right?
What?
You told us about the dinner time.
Oh yeah I told you guys.
12.
I mean you find an old tattered hat from like one of the adventurers but it's like torn in half.
So it looks like it was a cap at one point but it's just like a piece of it.
Where do I find this in relative to the cap?
There's like a pile of bones you kind of look around and you're like, oh it looks like a, like the skull got bitten into while I was wearing the hat.
Can I tip over the cauldron of blood?
Sure.
Can I tip over the cauldron of blood?
Yeah, Los Angeles.
Go ahead and roll me a con save.
I was about to leave.
Yeah I mean.
Well now you can.
Can you see the horrors coming up and just kick the cauldron over?
Con save?
Yep.
For your aversion.
I think that's a 10.
Yeah you throw up.
So the thing said it's going in for dinner, was last night dinner or is she going to send them back out tonight?
I don't know, I felt like last night was the night.
Just with how it like worked out.
Yeah.
I felt like that was like just not coming to like take us on but to grab a snack.
I doubt that she keeps any dates in this book.
You see, you tip over the cauldron and it kind of just spills out.
And what you thought was actually blood but there's bloods.
There's blood and there's also like chunks of like fingers and other organs and pieces of like human that kind of spills out with the cauldron.
It's like a puzzle.
Between like the runes and the cauldron and kind of the weird funky necromanic druidic magic.
Do I have any sense of who this lady is or like what type of person this lady is?
Um, hold my history check, see if you know anything about this.
Can I also roll something?
Because I'm a druid.
Yeah, go ahead and tell me if you've heard any lore.
It's a great advantage.
Uh, no advantage.
Alright, guidance.
Um, I got an 11.
Do you know anything about it?
I'll inspire you to do.
Uh, well I have 19 plus 2, so 21.
Um, you've heard myths of, so your character knew in the war of some...
War?
You knew of some people turning towards dark magic in the war and seeing like the effects of how magic can affect creatures.
Especially in the area of the morning, you see creatures that are war too.
Oh, so she was trying to create things that are not necessarily legal.
Because certain creatures in, um, experiences like this were banned during the war.
Right.
But also, um, you know that it's pretty evil shit and that, uh...
So...
A lot of it was holy shit.
Yeah.
So you know this is some really evil stuff that a powerful magic user wouldn't be able to do.
So you know this is someone you probably wouldn't want to fuck with, but someone that is dangerous.
Can I use that hat to scrape off some of the poop onto her stuff that we're not going to take with us?
You just want to like, just gather it all over.
You've heard myths of evil druids, but you've never encountered one because they're rare.
Right.
Um, is there anything with the names in the book of this person?
Um, there's no name, but there is just, um...
You just go through it and there's just a lot of writings of different experiments of what she's worked on, including people and animals.
Okay. Well...
Well...
And just like describing some of the processes...
I think either way, we got the job done.
I mean...
So I don't think she's going to return here, but we do need to find her and try to stop it.
I feel like she got away from us pretty easily, so I feel like either, like, our options are now to finish this or to get far away because somebody can just fuck off through plants, which seems like some crazy magic to me.
Oh, it's crazy. I've seen it a few times.
And you could go wherever. That's the crazy thing.
Yeah, but I feel like we're near a base or something and this is...
I don't know. I don't feel like this is the type of person to leave us alone if we just stay anywhere in the area, not messing with her.
Yeah, that's my thought.
Yohara said he sensed a lot more than three, and this lady can clearly do what we want.
I don't think he sensed these dire wolves.
I think he sensed random undead.
Okay, okay.
Well, then, I mean, yeah, maybe we are done here.
These spells are necromanic, so I wouldn't doubt if there were some sort of, you know, dark undead roaming the woods.
Yes, she... during the conflict, there were some druids that did turn towards the dark arts.
And some of them would join certain organizations.
Yeah, some of them joined the bad guys of the conflict.
How many pages is this notebook?
It's about like, maybe 50, 60 pages.
It is in druidic.
Okay, so I was going to read it. I was going to ask if you could spy if this was her only experiment that she's gone.
Like, if this is just experiment one.
This book is filled with experiment one.
Well, you should read it because it might give us insight into what type of things are out there.
Let's say while we're walking back to the town to cool that dark.
It's bound in a mysterious looking leather.
Yeah.
The biggest lies.
Well, not that town, because the town that just helped us, the one with the sickle.
We gotta go get a cool sickle.
Yeah, so you do see that the book is a strange looking book.
Okay.
Yeah.
So I just tell him that, and I'm like, yeah, if you could see if there's any other...
And they already rolled, like, the check it out?
The book?
Yeah.
He rolled a one, I think.
I was going to say, like, you showed in the book, can I, like, roll Arkana or something?
Are you trying to check out the book? Yeah, you can.
I'm just trying to check it out.
Go ahead and roll a message on the book.
All right, we'll also do that.
Well, it's in druidic. Do you know the word?
No, they're just investigating the book.
Yeah, I just want to see if I can.
Can I actually hit the book with an identify, too?
Just to, like, see if there's anything on it that would, like, I don't know, lead a right to us or some shit?
15.
Or just what kind of magic?
It's...
It's like, um...
From what you would know, it feels familiar.
It feels like skin, but not of an animal.
Oh, yeah.
I can do it.
The Necronomicon.
Nailgun.
You're kind of, like, no, like, is he...
So all the writing in there is also written in writing.
Okay.
I do not mean to alarm you, but this letter is not of an animal that is quadrupedal.
Uh-huh.
This might be from a man or men.
Or a woman.
Does that identify from necronomicon?
It's not magic, but there is, like...
Pigs also skin is very familiar to humans.
It does talk about, like, the magic used to...
Well, do you know druidic?
It's in druidic, so...
No, I know Sylvan, though.
If it's, like, a fey thing.
No, it's in druidic.
No, it's specifically druids.
So he knows already from reading through it.
It kind of details the magic that she was experimenting to work on these things.
Cool.
I was mainly concerned that we were carrying around the beacon.
No, it's not.
It's got a fucking eye right in the middle of it.
Ava and Alyssa doing it.
We roll around with the ring and someone's watching all the time.
I got a nine.
Yeah, you don't really...
You don't get the book.
Did you roll, Jim?
I was just going to have him, like, read through it.
Well, here he knows it's...
Well, no, say, I was just going to bring up that point that we just talked about, like,
read through it to see if there's any other experiments.
While we're walking back to the town, you know, I will read through it to see if there's anything
that's, like, should be noted in there.
Did she just say that she released her own experience to see how they might still be alive,
so there might be other experiments in the forest?
Of course.
Yep.
Is there any specifics on what type of creatures she was mixing together?
She was working on some humans, some...
Whatever was in the forest, so snakes, humans, wolves.
Anything she could get her hands on, type thing.
Yep.
Aw, crap.
Do you relay this information to us?
Oh, yeah, I will be feeding you guys everything that I read, basically.
You know how they said people kept going missing in the night?
Uh...
Yeah.
Yeah, I think they might be somewhere in the forest.
Either that or that pile of bones or what was left of that...
Yeah.
Cocksham.
I think there might be some humanoid-looking things.
As you guys are walking through the forest, can you get the wrong perception check real quick?
No.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna run and...
Ooh.
Ha!
I got a dirty 20.
14.
Ooh.
23.
Let's see.
Uh, that's a 21.
My modifier is not gonna help that.
Turns into a 10.
So just you and Nix.
I hear where it looks like that's coming from.
I'm gonna go with a 10.
Wow.
Uh, you hear where it looks like that...
You've gotta hear some rustling...
Um, it looks like either side of you guys.
Um, I'm gonna say we got contacts.
Yeah.
I say we got contacts.
I immediately perk up.
Yeah, I pull my bow out.
It was easy.
Got contact.
I'm going to do a patient defense and say, come get me, bitches.
I just realized how utterly terrifying Nix is.
Covered in shits.
and now also all the blood from his freshly skinned,
not cured tan or anything.
Like just firm, just blood and shit.
He's sick already as hell.
With my wolf cap on.
How long is it marred the last?
Huh?
How long is it marred the last?
Oh, it's gone.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, with my wolf cap on.
Yeah, so you were able to kind of like,
with what damage it was,
there was still enough because of how small we are
for you to get like a long enough thing
to cover your body.
So you're kind of just.
Did you get hurt?
I was kind of cloaked.
I was hurt, but.
Was shit on you?
Was shit on me.
You still have shit on you too, it's dry.
Oh, are you still hurt?
You got like open wounds of shit on you?
Are you still hurt?
I totally forgot about that.
I got chunked pretty hard, he crit me.
But I'm like.
Well, let's figure out this.
He healed me instead.
Yeah.
But I'm a barbarian, I'm pretty chill.
What do they see?
Well, no, they just heard stuff.
Oh.
But I think, let's see what the point of call it is, 930.
You're up.
Well, next time.
What happens next time?
I'm in.
What?
Can we say we short rested while we're in that camp?
Oh my god.
It's okay, guys.
As a monk, I would like a short rest.
If we go down, I have so much strugs on me.
Like, Nix, come here.
Yeah, oh man, Nix.
I lied, bro, I.
I gotta have some balsam.
We won't go down.
There is no creature we cannot fell.
Nix on PCP.
Yeah, if you're PCP, I promise you,
there's no character we can't fell.
Yeah, I'll fight God.
Yeah, Galon, RMP, RMP more.
Nine for $20.
He was like, you droid, have you ever seen like,
a guy who's like a body builder,
but also hella high on meth?
That's Nix.
Are you selling ASMR dust?
That would be so fucking scary.
Yes, I definitely do not want to see
a buffed up man on PCP.
That's the last thing I want to see.
I feel like you're speaking from experience.
Kind of enlarge him too.
Dude, I was very tall.
Yeah, like a little tarot.
Yeah, I went from like a body builder five five
to actually like muscle man at six.
He's like, oh, he's cute.
Oh no.
All right, everyone, thank you for tuning in today.
That is going to be all for us.
Until next time, folks,
where we'll be fighting some more people.
Later nerds.
We will end this shit.
Possibly humanoid.
Shit.