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you like potato soup? Welcome to Dummies with
Dice. We have potato soup cooking behind us,
so. By our chef, Kelly. Welcome to Dummies and
Dice, Dungeons and Dragons' actual play podcast
that follows three not -so -average dummies of
our world that get caught up in a magical storm
and try to find a way back home. I'm not going
to say survive, because you guys aren't surviving.
You're doing great. You're doing great. You're
just doing great. We are surviving. So, I am
Tristan Hayes, and I am your Dummy Master. Question
of the day. What book series would your characters
want to live inside of? Oh, easy. Okay, go ahead.
Hey, I'm Kelly Lee, and I play Miss Muffin. She's
a crazy cat lady rogue. You know that. You know
that, Sarah. She's definitely going to live in
Harry Potter. Everybody picks Harry Potter. Okay.
Read. Hi, everybody. My name's Ryan Tucker. Here,
I play a Splee -Stick Sock Jelly. I'm the hobo
trashmaster cleric of the God of Rumpke. I am
the MacGyver of all things trash and garbage.
And my character would want to live into the
Game of Thrones series. Oof. That's an intense
one to live inside of. Intense as fuck. Like,
where at? Where's he going to be a part of? The
Night's Watch? Fuck no. He's at Danny's garden,
the wall. You know nothing. I want to be there
after the Nightwalkers are gone. Yeah. What part,
though? Not the Lancasters. Don't join them.
No, I can't think of incest. Yeah. Seriously.
Not with seriously. I don't know. She's dead.
She's smushed. One of them. One of them. One
of them. Hey, Nate here. My character's Duke
Crystal. He's the slightly drug -addicted level
9 barbarian warlock of the group. And, uh...
Lord of the Rings has a book series, right? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I never watched it. I read it.
I always watch the movies. Yeah. Oh, I never
read it either. Yeah, I definitely watched it.
Sorry, yeah. God, it's good. I bet reading this
way better. It is. You lose out so much. It's
ridiculous. But I feel like that'd be a good
book series. Oh, yeah. That was a great one.
That's where I would go immediately. No, I don't
think Duke would be on the good side of things.
He'd definitely be helping Zara. I would live
inside of it. He would make Schmeagle his pet.
Bitch. You mean... Yeah. I don't even think...
I think Duke would just kill him out of annoyance.
So once he did too many, like... Just quit that.
You mean... You just, like, let him pet the ring
a couple times a day as long as you get his tours
done. Not even. I just kind of like... I do,
like, the John Cena, like, hand wave. You can't
see me. Well, Expelliarmus. Expelliarmus? Yeah.
Avada Kedavra. Avada Kedavra. I said it first.
You're grounded. All right, well, where we left
off... You missed it. I fell on my belly. Where
we left off, Duke, you had ripped the top of
the cage off and released Minerva. Yes. She pretty
much just dog -walked the devil that was left,
so we got... She's been beneficial. Bargura,
that's climbing the cage and keeps getting knocked
back down from the cage, and Bargura... That
is on Flea Stick and Miss Muffin up the stairs.
What's he called again? Bargoola. Bargoola. Bargoola.
You got to put a tongue roll in there. Bargoola.
It looks like we left. Oh, yeah. We finished
with Minerva putting down the bearded devil.
So that would put us with Miss Muffin as your
turn. You are about face to face with the Bargoola.
And you guys are inside that plant growth thing.
But we broke free of it. You broke free. So I
can stab him. Yeah, you can stab him. With my
dagger. You know, good one. I'll get to it. 15
plus 9 to hit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that hit. That
will not hit. 1d4 plus 5. I rolled a 4, so 9.
9 damage. Pretty good. Right off the bat. Right
off the bat. Right off the dagger. In his stomach.
Testons fall out. Almost fall out. Almost. He's
tooting out the front. He's visually disgusting.
He's tooting out of the front. Okay, anything
else? I have an insult. Yeah, I have a second
-hand dagger that I can slice his guts the rest
of the way. Go for it. He's already shitting
out of his belly button. Okay, 11 plus 9 to hit.
Yeah. And... No, he's got a 25. Six damage. Six
damage total. Yeah. Okay, well, yeah, he is definitely
farting out the front, for sure. He's not dead.
He's farting out multiple holes. He's not dead,
though. No, he's close. He's farting out holes.
I mean, he's farting out holes, so you can tell
he's close as fuck. Please take your turn. All
right, so he's right up on me, right? Yeah. You
and Ms. Muffin are side by side. Keep it where
it matters. Keep it where it matters. All right,
he's the one with his guts hanging out? Yeah.
All righty. Guts are hanging by his nuts. Farting.
Farting. Up front. Will they like fall down and
get tucked up? Yeah, they're flipped up under.
He swung them up like a cloth. No, stop. Too
much. To his body. When he was running or something,
it was like ladder golf. Yeah. These are like
the rope swings around the plate. It's just like.
Yeah. All right. Please stick with that beautiful
description. What are you going to do? All right.
I am just going to take my staff and try to rip
his gut down, bro. Staff? Sorry, my dragon slayer.
Yeah. Okay. 16 plus 3, 19. Yeah, I was getting
good rolls. I haven't rolled yet. Too bad. We'll
see. How about a small? 7 plus 3. 7 plus 3 damage.
Dragon slayer sword. Okay, yeah, you come through.
slice him good and you just see everything start
falling out completely. It untucks from his balls
and his dick and flops out and he falls down
the stairs and kind of rolls back down the stairs.
Barf. Barf. Barf again. Yeah. Alright, it's the
Barf -a -goo -roo's turn on Duke Crystal. We
won. His asshole literally ripped off. This is
the end of the one. Yeah, that one gets back
up from the bottom of the stairs. Okay. No. Actually,
when you see that Bargura fall off the bottom
stairs, you see his body kind of just dissolve
into this, like, black, ikaru -like goo shit.
Even grosser. Yeah. So... He is going to do his
bonus action to leap up there. Are you? Do crystal?
Yeah. He's coming. Tormenting bite. Oh, my God.
Jesus. Four plus seven. No. Okay. What's the
other thing he does? Oh, yeah. Crash. 15 plus
7. Yes. Okay, that's 1d10. 4 plus 4 bludgeoning
damage. 4 plus 4? Yes. I believe I'm still enraged,
right? Yeah. Super. Yeah. Okay. All right, well,
that was his turn. Duke Crystal, it's your turn.
All right. Let me look at my... Provisions here.
I'm going to decide whether I want to hit him
in the face with something metal and heavy or
hit him with something pretty and flashy with
a command word. Fleshy. Fleshy? No. I don't have
any fleshlights to throw at him. You can have
one in my purse. Why do you have one in your
purse? I have whatever Minerva had. How close
is Minerva? Minerva, she's like right next to
you. She's about, she's 10 feet from you exactly,
to your right. So I don't want to blow her up
with a thunderclaw. It would probably be unpleasant.
All right, I'm going to smack him in the face
with a greatsword, I guess. Okay. It seems like
the only approach. Sliced his nose off. How's
a, you know, 16 plus 9? That will not hit This
gorilla skin is tough, but not that tough. Get
out of town! So 3 plus 5, 8. 2d6 fire. 8 on the
first hit? First damage? Or regular damage? And
I doubt he's going to take much fire since he's...
Well, he might. Oh, two fire damage. Yeah, he
shrugs off a bit of it. Alright, and repeat.
Repeat. Okay, now make me your deck save. Yes.
To try to hang on to the cagey cage. It's not
really going to matter. I need to reroll that.
It was leaning in between two numbers. I wish
it wouldn't have. It's a bigger number. Four.
Four. Yeah. Okay, so let's see. What can I do
that really sucks here? Well, all you can really
do is just fall. So let's take some fall damage.
Which is about... Wings! So catch the air! Maybe
with a good deck save. Yeah, sure. Let's see.
Take one. Okay. And two. So three bludgeoning
damage as you fall to the floor. So one or two?
Because I'm enraged. Two, because it was a crit
fail. So you what? Bump your knee? Yes, he bumps
his knee in a lava rock. I'm immune to fires.
Okay, well, that's your turn. Yeah, I'm going
to do the fire. Oh, there's an imp alive. He
sees what happens to the bug Gura as it falls
and just turns into a goo, and he's just going
to dive right over to that goo and just roll
inside of it. Ew. Because he can't really get
to you guys yet, so he's going to do that. Yeah,
I'm going to kill him quick. I don't like that.
Like, what is he charging himself up with? Like
he's going to turn into another Balgura or some
shit. I don't like that. Minerva, it's her turn.
So, obviously, this Balgura is about to get fucking.
Looking at the wrong person. Look at her stats.
All right. She's close enough that she's just
going to do her little blades of light that she's
going to pop out. That's a 12 plus 10. So, yeah,
that'll definitely hit. Two. And six. Eight plus
ten magical damage. Nice. Yes. These blades come
out and just slicing him up. Blood's flying.
Bright lights are flashing. Miss Muffins, your
turn. There's an imp rolling in the goo at the
bottom of the stairs. Oh, it was the imp doing
it? Yes. He is thirty feet from you. Like down
the stairs. That is my movement speed. Can I
get imp in the definition, please? Yes. What
is an imp? What is it? As I'm walking to it.
Imagine a very, very miniature demon. Yeah, like
a little... With little wings and a tail. About
three foot tall. So, what's it? Lucy? Yeah, Lucy.
Wait, wait, wait. Back the truck up. What? So,
it's actively rolling in the goo right now? Yes.
So, it doesn't notice me. It definitely sees
you guys at the top of the stairs. But it's probably
more focused on... But I mean, yeah, he's just
rolling a goo. So I can sneak attack him. How
far away is it? It can do a bonus action to sneak,
and then you have to make a stealth check, and
then if you succeed, then you can do your action
to attack from stealth, yes. And you'll have
advantage, if that's what you're meaning. And
do your sneak attack. That's what you want to
do? Okay. Waiting. I got the finger. Index finger.
The finger of pause. Yeah, the finger of pause.
So I'm just going to roll for stealth, sneak
down there, and attack him. Roll for stealth,
and then I'll roll his perception, see if he
sees you. 12 plus 12. This fucking imp's going
to get sent to oblivion. He got a nat 20. He
saw you. He sees you. I rolled more than him
still, though. I got a nat 20. You got the Honda
Odyssey. Huh? Well, you could re -roll yours
if you want to see if you actually get a nat
20 as well, but that would be insane. No, I just
got 17 plus 12. Does that even roll? It just
went. It just fell straight down. He's got eight
weights on that dice. I'm Miss Muffin and I have
a puppet little cat catcher. What do you call
this? Roll tray. Sounds like a hair. Well, it's
leather, too. Okay, well, you failed your stealth
check, so he does see you. As he's rolling around,
you just see, like, one eye, like, peek out and
see you coming. So you can still go and attack
him if you like. Yeah, I'm still going to stab
him. Like an Olympic swimmer, he, like, turned
his... With the eye that he peeked and looked
at me with, I'm going to run my dagger into that
eye. Okay, make my constitution save as you step
in this eker. He rolls a newness. A constitution
save! Yeah. Yeah. One second. Roll with advantage
luck point. You hit the ectoplasm. 19 plus 3.
All right, yeah, you feel this goo kind of trying
to get a hold of you, and then it kind of realizes
that your body is not suitable and falls back
off of you. So, yeah, make your attack. How many
luck points do I have left? Probably none. That's
what I was trying to find out. Well, you're supposed
to keep track. You used, like, two already. Three.
I know you used some before. I'd say probably
out. Alright, well, uh, three plus nine. Three
plus nine to hit? Yeah. Um, sorry. No, that will
not hit. Ha! Okay, it's your turn. That's false.
Uh, flea stick, your turn. Same thing. There's
an imp down at the bottom of the stairs. Miss
Muffin whiffing some attacks. It's rolling in
the goo. Sucking. Sucking. That's not sucking.
I guess it can be sucking the goo. No, I said
I sucked. Oh, I thought you said you were sucking.
No, I ain't sucking nothing. There ain't none
of them near me. Well, the imp is 30 feet at
the bottom of the stairs. Okay. I mean, you could
get close, but you're going to have to make a
con save like she did. Or range attack. I never
used a picture like the mojo when it busts on
the floor. Austin Pally. Yeah, Austin Pally.
My mojo. I gotta lick that up. You don't need
it, Austin. We are two sexy bitches, yeah. Can
I do a guiding ball and not hit anybody? Hit
the imp? Yeah. At the imp? Yeah, you can shoot
at the imp. Attack roll. It's gonna be a second
level. It's hard too, so hopefully, you know.
Get your nuts. Hot nuts. Look on. Is that the
guiding bolt? Hot nuts? 16. Peanuts. Yes, that'll
hit. Ew. Plus. Plus nine. Yeah, that's it. All
right, so 5D6. My baseball game sucks ass. 5D6?
Yes, sir. Give me some, like, candy roasted walnuts
or something. Two, so six. Pecans. That, too.
Seven, eight. Peanuts? Pecans are okay. That's
like offering me a bowl of peanuts. 14. All right,
do that. That was four. I was like, I don't want
that. Yeah, he's dead. So yeah, this guiding
bull, Miss Muffin, comes flying past your shoulder
and you see Flea Stick standing up there in his
holy light of trash and blacks this imp's body
and soul away and he's like fries in the goo
and becomes one with it. Glad you cleared that
up. I was talking about nuts. Yeah, I know. He
threw some hot nuts. Hey, it's your dummy master,
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code. Thank you, W Energy. It's the Bargulo's
turn. He is going to... Die! He's going to trip
and die. He's going to strength... He's going
to make a strength check, posing strength check
to Minerva to try to shove her back into the
cage. Oh. That's a fail. Oh, wait, I guess I
can roll for her. Yeah, that's a fail. So, yeah,
he doesn't do anything there. Duke, it's your
turn. All right. I didn't want him to jump on
fire. Can I fly with him? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He
can fly. Use your wings! I don't remember what
we did for him. Bonus action. Can we ride on
him? No. I mean... He'll drop us. It's up to
Duke if he's in demon mode and he doesn't carry
you on his back. I mean, I could do that. I could
blast him with magic from down low. It's up to
you. What you want to do? It'll have to be disadvantage
because you're low ground if you're going to
hit him with the Eldritch Blast because they're
like 20 feet up above you. Looks like I'm flying.
Okay. Bonus action flying? Yeah. You want to
call it? Yeah. Same movement speed? It's only
20 feet up, so you can definitely make it up
there. But you don't have to make a check to
climb. Since you're going to fly up, so. Alright,
so fly up. Yep. And then... I'm ahead with the
old flame tone. We'll try to take his head from
behind, hopefully. Yeah, he's still... He's,
like, wrestling with old Nerva. 19? Yeah. Out
of hit. 4 plus 5, so 9. Physical. Or... 8 fire.
Yeah, he's dead. Yeah, you come up behind him
as he's wrestling with her and she's like, you're
not shoving me back in this cage, boy! And you
just... Back of the head with the great axe just
fucking shaking him out. He's... Well, he dissolves.
You see his goo kind of fall through the cage
and land down into the lava. More goo! Fuck!
Alright. Good job on that. I'm missing his goo,
probably. Thanks, we're fucking awesome. Vanished.
Most of it. Yeah, it's kind of falling. Yeah,
they're a special type of creature, so their
shit does some weird magic shit. Yeah, I didn't
like that ant rolling in it. I was like, that's
not a good sign. All right, so that disappears
as well, the plant growth around you guys, because
he's dead. Yeah, you finished it. Minerva, she
comes out and she says... You, you guys probably
found my scrolls, huh? While she's saying that,
I'm walking over to pick up my lightning javelin
and completely fucking ignoring her because I
don't give a shit. She's like, okay, okay, yeah,
I'll follow you over there and we'll talk about
this. I mean, she can talk to them. We'll talk
about this, yeah. She starts coming to the stairs
and she comes up to you, Miss Muffin, where you
were at the goo. She goes, so thanks. Did you
guys find my scroll? You guys? I also found this.
Cancer, her toy. Her toy? Oh, my God, you found
me. Okay, well, thank you. And she just kind
of puts it up inside of a bag. She's like, I'll
keep that. Thank you. You're welcome. You found
the memory shard? Good. Okay, you found my memory
toy. You got me out. That was a good fight, honestly.
She goes, I thought you guys were just going
to leave me in that cage, but the big guy over
there who ignored me, he got me out. So you guys
are probably on the hunt for my scrolls, huh?
Yes. And my cat. Your cat? I need the scrolls
and need my cat. Where's your cat? Is the scrolls
for your cat? Yeah. The scrolls aren't for your
cat. I yell from across the room. Oh, okay. So
the scrolls aren't for the cat. What do you need
the scrolls for, then? To go home. To go home.
Oh, okay. So you guys are trying to teleport
somewhere. Gotcha. Cat can stay. The cat? Gotcha.
I need my cat first. I can't go home. Where's
your cat? I don't... What's the guy's name that
took my cat? The dickhead. Oh, the dickhead guy
that took... Oh, so you guys... Okay, so... Everybody
knows he's the dickhead. And where the hell is
my friggin' genie at? I can't remember his name.
I can't remember any of it. Your genie? Your
genie's with Rumpke. He's the dickhead in the
sky who talks shit to everybody. That guy. Okay,
so you're talking about my brother. Oh, well,
I'm sorry. You have a brother? Yeah. So, yeah,
my brother, he's a real piece of shit, so when
he's trying to lock me away, he's trying to take
my power. Oh, so you can't ask for my cat back.
His name is Avernim. He's a piece of shit, but
I'm guessing he pulled you from his world, from
your worlds, and he's trying to go to your world,
huh? There ain't shit there for him. Yeah, well,
that's what he wants. He wants to take a world
that doesn't have shit, bring his shit to it,
and make it a not -good world that he can rule.
That's his whole goal. Shit's just gonna get
nuked real quick. What is a nuke? It is Minerva
backwards. Have you ever seen a spell that creates
a sun? A spell that creates a sun? There is daylight.
Yeah, I've seen that one. Like burn you to your
bones, the sun. Okay, yeah. I mean, we have disintegration.
So it's kind of like... What did you call it?
A nuke? Does it kill millions of people in one
spell cast? Wow, no. It does not. We got thousands
of those. Okay, well, let's say, you know, you
may have some good work, but we'll see. I don't
know. That's what his plan is. That's what he's
going to do. Yeah, we're pretty self -destructive,
too. Humans suck, okay? They suck. He's going
to find out. She goes, so, let's get out of this
pit. I know where no scroll is. I sent it to
a good friend of mine. Her name is Uni. So we
get to her and we'll figure out from there and
get a plan and get you guys some help. Uni? Yes,
Uni. She's a very magical creature. But we'll
go find her. Anything you guys want to do in
this pit before you leave? Look that bunny. Look
that motherfucker. What's left of the devil,
if there's anything. He died in the lava. Well,
he's immune. His corpse is probably still immune.
Yeah, give me an investigation check. You're
only going to get one check, though, because
you're going to run out of rage without fighting.
Oh, true. Oh, that's fabulous. Three. Three?
Yeah. You start to, like, search and loot through
them, and then you feel your body starting to,
like, shift back into human form, so you have
to do a little quick step out of there before
you can leave. I was going to say, is he about
to get murdered? He's about to have damage. It's
fine. He just melts. All right. Oh no, an arcana
check! You got a sense that she has magic? Oh,
never mind, I was a six. Alright. So, yeah, you
guys saved Minerva. You have saved her. You found
out that her brother is the big bad. Avronim.
Minerva. Avronim, yeah. Backwards. It's her name
backwards. Yeah, so it's her brother. Yeah. Maybe
not so much twins, but yeah. Um... Siblings.
Yeah, siblings. So yeah, you guys kind of leave
this pit of hellfire, and you move up, and she
says, so my friend Uni, she lives, you guys are
familiar with the area, Neverwinterwood, I'm
sure. So she goes, she lives in that area. We
need to just go find her, and then we'll go from
there. I've left my scroll with her. I've sent
all these scrolls out, kind of like, oh my god,
I almost said like Dragon Ball. Like Dragon Ball
is like flying away. Like the stage play that
goes around, Dragon Ball. Scattered like the
Dragon Balls. Yeah, scattered like the Dragon
Balls. Why not? That's perfect. Yeah, it is.
I just was saying it from her. And if you haven't
watched Dragon Ball, watch it. Yeah, if you haven't.
Watched it. At least enough to see the scattering
of the balls. Yeah. So yeah, that's kind of the
situation we're in. She sent these balls, these
scrolls to different locations. How many stars
are on them? Yeah, each one has a star. You look
at the other scrolls you've got, you see stars
on them. So, yeah. Oh, my God. So, yeah. Yeah,
we sent these scrolls off, so we need to go to
Unique's. I know she's got one, and then we'll
go from there. Okey -dokey. She's going to kind
of lead the way. You guys make some travel for
quite a bit because you have to go past, like,
unless you guys want to go to Iron Spine Keep
for anything. Nah. I want to get a move on finding
my cat. Yeah, you got a chef that hired. You
hired a good chef. do some stuff and that's yeah
grab a ghoul's out there trying to split himself
i guess or something find a female one of him
it's possible it's possible um so yeah you adventure
on you're traveling you're eating you're you're
taking rest you're taking camps you're kind of
learning more about minerva and her her lifestyle
and what happened with the whole being attacked
and then draining her power and stuff and she's
kind of just living her life she's trying to
do her thing she's trying to get her powers back
but she's not really too worried about it because
she's lived her life So yeah, make me a survival
check as a group. As you're kind of starting
to make your way towards the Neverwinter Wood.
A familiar home. Thirteen. Eighteen. Right. Survival
check. Oh no! Resurvivaled! I'd say you guys
probably made it, because you guys both roll
really good. The first one's better. Yeah, so
you kind of are guiding your way through here,
through the wood, and... Plus five, so... Yeah,
that's good. So as you're kind of walking through
these woods, you start to hear this, like, cacophony
of shouts, just kind of shouting out through
the woods, because it was all so quiet and silent.
Did you say cacophony? Cacophony? Cacophony.
I was like, what the fuck? Like a bunch of like,
come on! Yelling through the trees. As you're
looking through the trees, you see these like
puffs of colorful smoke kind of like shooting
up into the air. And then moments later, this
tiny figure comes flying out of the woods and
it's a sprite. It's like little winged. Tinkerbell
type creature. A spritiddly little sprite. A
spritiddly little sprite. They probably bite.
She comes out and says, quickly, quickly, Uni
the unicorn is in danger. And she takes off flying
back through the woods. Uni's a unicorn? You
didn't say that. She goes, oh yeah, my friend
Uni's a unicorn. Yeah, she's magical. I said
she was a magical creature. So yeah, this sprite
takes off flying through the woods. You guys
following? Uni the unicorn. Following her. Sure,
yeah. I hope so. Joke's on you. It's not a unicorn.
It's a unicron. Unicron! The Transformers! No!
You're gonna destroy this world. They look like
living creatures until they don't. What color
is she? So as you guys kind of follow the sprite
flying through, you kind of come to the edge
of these trees, and you open up to this big open
area, and you see these brightly colored puffball
mushrooms kind of scattered across the area.
You note it. Two. You notice two bugbears standing
there, and then there's three cultists, the Thayan
kind that you've been kind of going against recently.
You see them standing there, three of them opposing
against the bugbears, and behind them you see
Yuni the unicorn. Yes, she is white. She's got
this, like, flamey red -orangish hair, that mane
and tail, and her feet by her hooves has, like,
little... Little flukes of orange coming off
the bottom. So you can see that she is laying
on the ground injured and her unicorn horn is
gone. It's off. What the fuck? Yeah, but you
hear the cultists or the bugbears and they're
like yelling at these cultists and they said,
we want that unicorn. Their magic horns are magic
and they taste great. And the cultists are like,
nah, this is our unicorn. We're using it for
its own magical purposes. And then they're all
about to go and get into some shit. So what would
you guys like to do? I'd like to investigate
the mushroom. Okay. No! Are you trying to go,
like, unnoticed by these guys, or are you just,
like, walking out in the field? There is one
that's, like... I thought it was one close by.
There's one, yeah, 10 foot, like, ahead of you,
but they are... Let's see how far they are from
you, because you are pretty far from them. They're
about 35 feet from you, the bugbears are. So
you can investigate the one closest to you without
being noticed yet. Yeah, I'll do that. Give me
investigation. Or, I guess, what would it be?
Investigation or, like, nature? To kind of check.
I guess it'd be like medicine in a way, but...
Nature medicine. Drugs are pretty much medicine,
just in different doses. I think it tells me.
Abusable. The way he checks it is just eats it.
And I'm sure I have some experience in mushrooms,
so... Yeah, just give me... Give me whatever.
Investigation, nature, fucking whatever. We'll
do whatever you're supposed to. Leave it. So.
investigation oh fabulous a two two you don't
notice anything but as you're kind of like looking
around it is fungi it goes and pops up a big
puff of spores to make me a constitution saving
throw see that I can do eighteen plus five you
pass as this like spores I've had a lot of shit
right up in my face right up into your face sometimes
sexually oh it is a nature check whoa no way
it was a nature check What was it? I just finally
found the thing. Yeah, you see the puffball mushroom.
It kind of puffs and shoots a spore up into you
and you save. Anything else you'd like to do?
You guys want to do anything else? Save uni!
Okay, how are you going to go about doing that?
Because you're about to have a three -way fight,
kind of. How big was that poof? Ten -foot emanation.
It's kind of in the area. I'm going to start
ripping them off and throwing them, probably.
So, I will say this. Ahead, there is puffball
patches throughout the field ahead of you. I
see that. It's on the map, too, yeah, if you
want to see that. But, yeah, there's puffballs
throughout the map, kind of. There's one, like,
ten foot from the cultist, another one on the
other side, ten foot from him, kind of on either
side. Imagine that'd be a great ambush weapon.
Hold your breath, rip one off, throw it. Yeah,
or you can, yeah, however you want to do it.
You can just know that, funneling, attacking,
fucking with it will make it poof. So, yeah.
What do you guys like to do? Make a plan. You
haven't been noticed yet. They're about to go
duking it out with each other. I will cloak up
and sneak my way to you. I will say you guys
have long rested because it took you a good couple
days to get it. Oh, we long rested. That means
I have my luck points. Yeah, I'm going to cloak
up and sneak my way around to you. Okay, give
me a stealth check with advantage. 22. Not nat.
Okay, very good. You're not noticed. Who are
you trying to get to, though? Uni! She is way
far away from you. She's behind everybody. She's
80 feet from you. 80? Oh, shit. Yes, past all
of the field of two bugbears, three cultists,
and then a bigger cultist guarding her. Okay,
so the closest bugbear... Are the bugbears with
the cultists? No, they are, like, against each
other. They're, like... Okay, so the bugbears
are trying to help the unicorn. Well, they want
to eat her. Oh. Yeah. They're all assholes. Yeah,
you kind of just caught in, like, a middle of
a two -way argument of these guys wanting to
take the unicorn and eat it and the other ones
are the bad guys you've been fighting. I'm not
opposed to seeing how it plays out in the third
party and whoever survives, but that's up to
you guys. Well, we need uni. I didn't say anything
about killing uni. I'm saying let bugbear and
cultists... Kill each other, and whoever wins,
we ambush them as soon as they win. And they're
like, ha ha, we get to... Oh, smart. Smoke. Very
smart. So I'm just invisible. So you're invisible.
Are you going to do anything? Do you want to
do anything while you're invisible, special?
I'll ready up my daggers in case I need to attack.
So I'm going to let you know now, two bugbears
are going to hit pretty hard. Because you also
are stealth and invisible, so you could do something
and not be noticed. In a way. You know what I
mean? You get, like, a surprise round to do something.
Do I know if bugbears or the... Or if you don't
want to do anything, you guys want to just, like,
hold off and see how it plays out, you can. Do
I know if those or the other things are able
to be poisoned with my dagger? My venom? I would...
I think... I don't know if you would know that,
but you know that these things are pretty generic.
They're not, like, fiends, like demons or devils.
Okay, so I ready up my venom on my dagger. Okay.
And I have my daggers readied up. Okay. For just
in case shit pops off between you guys and them?
Yeah, just in case shit. Okay. Police Tech, do
you want to do anything or are you going to hold
out and let them kind of see what happens? I'm
going to get fight ready, but I'm going to just
chill away. Okay, so you guys are just going
to hold out and just kind of like let this unfold?
Okay. Do I have movement speed still? Yeah, you
haven't moved. You guys are still just like at
the edge of the trees. Duke moved up like...
five, ten foot to go check out that mushroom.
I was going to say, we should all get ourselves
by one of the mushroom piles and do, so we can
be prepared for Duke's plan. To throw mushrooms
at people? Yep. Poof them all. Okay. If that's
what you want. I don't think we need to do that
if we're going to kill whoever's left stranded
at the end. I was thinking about that for the
whole group. Awesome. Okay. So you guys are just
going to hold out? Yeah. Okay. See who kills
who. Okay, so. This glorious battle ensues before
you as you guys make some rolls here to see who
survives. I would imagine the bugbears. Well,
there's more cultists, and they got magic. Bugbears
probably got multi -attack. Okay, so you see
these cultists zap some magic, and then you see
one trip and fall, and the bugbear just stomps
his head into the ground. That sounds about right.
So one guy dies. The bugbear that stomped his
head, he gets fucking shanked to death by a bunch
of cultist daggers. So one on one. So now it's
a three on one bugbear because there's two cultists
left and the big guy regarding uni. All he's
got to do is kill one more cultist and he can
die. I want to see three. Okay, so he runs up
and just annihilates one of the cultists. Just
blows him to pieces with a shoulder ram. Blunt
restops his heart and he falls down. But then
the other cultist and the other bigger cultist
that you see back guarding uni kind of just blasts
some magic at him and you see his heart kind
of give out and fall down so yeah there's a cultist
fanatic um and an elemental cultist guarding
kind of this like more higher standard while
they're still shook while they're still shook
is now you're ambushing nevada cadaver yes okay
so roll me well fuck actually Oh, fuck. Oh, my
God. They're anguished. Yeah, so you run forward
and give me an attack roll. You're at two attack
rolls. All right. Go for it. I mean, you all
can. You said there was a bigger one? 14 plus
5. There's one up there guarding Uni, yes. Okay.
He is currently 60 feet from you, and Uni's kind
of, like, right behind him. I'm going to smoke
him with Elder's Blast. Okay. Oh, shit. I wait.
All right. I wait. I wait, actually. Let's see
if I can get it. What is it? Fifteen plus six?
Uh, yes. And it's two beams. At my level. Actually,
one second. I think it's two rolls. Yeah. Yeah,
but you're lucky. At level eleven, I get three.
Four... Eight damage? Eight damage? Oh, sorry,
no, I rolled that wrong. I accidentally grabbed
D6. My apologies. five inch Okay, five damage,
and he's pushed back right or is it like a save
don't you have do you have that thing? Maybe
you didn't put that no. It's just forcing Okay
All right. Yeah, so he gets hit with time. I
just gets blasted and then this other one I guess
miss muffin and flea stick make your attacks
do what you want to do against this last guy
your little venom dad Venom dag 14 plus 9 to
hit yeah, you gonna put the venom dag venom dag
Oh, okay. Six damage. But it's venom damage,
so he's poisoned. But you roll again. For the
poison? Oh, shit. You're right. Look at that.
Do you want me to roll for that second attack?
That second Eldritch Blast? The beam that shoots
two beams? Because I just gave you damage for
one. Oh, then yeah, you can do the second one.
Sorry, I didn't realize you did. I just did 1d10
of damage out of it, so I'll do the second one
and see what hits. Crip. Okay, so that was what
hit. And d10 doubled. 2d10 poison damage. 5 doubled.
Are you going to roll it twice? No, you're good.
Go ahead, Kelly, sorry. Apologies. No, you're
good. You hit, so you're rolling your poison
damage? Yeah, 2d10 for poison damage. Okay. 8
plus 8. Poison damage. Yeah, that guy starts...
starts choking on his own vomit and poisoning
foaming at the mouth seizing falls dead poops
his pants oh my god it stinks in here okay the
fuck that was crazy his trousers so yeah with
this happening his trousers this last element
this last cultist that's like way up there that
you smacked with an eldritch blast he's like
oh fuck this and he's just gonna take off running
and you see him dive into this portal that's
right behind him what the fuck What portal? Where's
it going? Where's my cat? It's right behind him.
He dives into the portal. How far is that portal
from me? Is it still open? It's open, yes, but
it's... Let's see how far it is from you guys.
It's pretty far. It's 100 feet. Perfect. But
we're going to end initiative and shit because
Uni's laying there. The portal's not like...
You don't see it like... Starting to close or
nothing. I was just thinking about throwing a
lightning bolt inside of it to see... You could.
If they would have clapped that dude on the other
side. I mean, you can try if you want. It's iffy.
I only get one shot out of it. We'll just move
closer. Alright, so yeah, you come up and Minerva
comes running up to Uni and you see her laying
on the ground like neighing and doing horse shit.
I guess they talk, don't they? Unicorn shit,
not horse shit. Sorry, unicorn shit. She's a
beautiful unicorn. You are right. A beautiful
unicorn. Can we mend her? She runs up and Uni's
actually trapped up in this net and she rips
this net off of her and starts making sure she's
okay and making sure she's not beat up and tore
up and shit. She's got cuts and bruises, but
she's alive. Can Flea Stick mend her horn? You
don't have her horn. Her horn's not laying there.
Where? She says, they took my horn through the
portal. I don't know what they're trying to do
with it, but they're taking it. They're going
to eat it. No, the other ones are trying to eat
it. They're going to use your magic. Yeah, that's
probably what they're going to do is use my magic.
But, yeah, they took it. They sawed it off. They
can be repaired, but, yeah, I can't. Listen,
I'm going to tell you guys a secret. My horn,
they think that this ritual they can do can use
the wish spell, which can literally do anything
they wish. That's what they think they're about
to do. They're about to try to start this ritual
with my horn to get a wish spell. Which could
end a lot of shit. Which could fuck a lot of
stuff up. So yeah. You guys, are you here to
help? And Minerva kind of explains. She says,
they're here for the scroll. Do you have the
scroll? We'll get your horn. Yeah, you're gonna...
If you want... If you're going to get the horn,
that would be great because the scroll is fused
with my horn. Yeah. It's inside my horn. I figured
it was something like that. Anyways. So, yeah.
Yeah. I would really appreciate the help. I'm
kind of hurt, but they're in there. I don't know
where that goes, that portal that's like this
crystal ball world realm thing inside of another
demiplane. I don't know. But that's what we need.
That's what we need is my horn. Cat jump. Cat
jump? Dive right in the portal. So, yeah. That's
what you guys know. Would you like to go ahead
for the portal? I guess we're going in the portal.
Okay. Your nerve is going to stay behind, of
course, with Uni. Why? Because I'm not going
to give you a god -level character to go fight
your fight. We also probably shouldn't leave
a half -injured unicorn just laying there by
itself to be eaten by whatever pest. Man, more
bedbugs that come up and just rip it apart and
you come back with just a leg. Without Uni's
unicorn horn, is she... Not magic anymore? She
has lost her magic. Someone could eat her. Some
could say that she's only using a warhorse stat
and not a unicorn stat block. See, if I really
wanted to, I could have gave her my regen scroll,
but... She just... Just grows a new horn. It
wouldn't have the scroll in it. No, it wouldn't
have the scroll. We could still go get the scroll.
Why the fuck would I use my... Well, if you're
going to go get the horn, you might as well just
get the horn. Use my regen scroll on the unicorn.
All right, we're going? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't
you find you a regen scroll and you give it to
the unicorn? I probably have one. You don't.
In my purse. We have one. Purse of everything.
The whole party has one. Halloween town bag.
Okay, then I need to switch us if we're going
in here. Switcheroo. A portal inside a portal
inside a portal? Damn. So many portal. Have you
ever played the game Portal? Yes. It's fun. Yes.
I like. You get Portal trapped doing stupid shit.
I like being the little robot and not the big
one. I always sucked at Portal. I love that game.
I probably didn't play it enough to get good
at it. I would always end up doing my Portals
not the way I wanted to. It was pretty cool.
Like, I'll pop out here and I just don't pop
out there. I like games that make you think like
that, and then you're pissed off for a while,
and then you figure it out, and you're like,
what the fuck? All right. Let's get ready to
rumble! Yeah. In this corner, we have Big Fat
Willie! Okay. Look at his flaccid muscles. All
right, so you guys enter this portal, and you've
come into this form. You appear in this chamber
that's enclosed by these thick wall of thorns
and behind you the glowing portal back to the
woods shimmers like flashing and shit but it's
still going. This cold mist like coils through
the air. This crystal barrier is surface curved
surface swirling with lights and colors forms
a strange sky overhead. It's like as you guys
look up you can see this like spherical curved
wall of crystal line special glorious magic shit
around you. Because you're inside of this dimmy
plane. You have fucking gone to another place.
Ahead of you, you see to the north these paths
that cross out and converge. There's multiple
paths going throughout this place. What would
you guys like to do? Sniff which one smells like
the one that took the unicorn. Okay. Give me
a perception check. Perception. All right. Don't
worry, I'm slow at this. As you kind of creep
forward looking into this next area, this passage
widens to a form of larger, misty chamber enclosed
by another wall of thorns with three more passages
leading different directions. Twelve. Perception?
Yeah. Okay, so as you kind of are looking up
through these three paths, this sleek puppy with
a tongue comes flopping up and runs up to you
with nervous eyes and he's kind of just watching
over you. Looking at you. What kind of puppy
do you have to say? What? What kind? Pomeranian.
Yeah, sure. He's Pomeranian. Comes running up.
This little tiny guy. Coco. So, yeah. This little
white shih tzu. His name is Coco. So, this dog
comes running up to you and he's got these nervous
eyes looking at you. But as he's looking over
you, you are obviously kind of like, oh, my God,
an animal. Do you care that this is a dog? Do
you like dogs? What would you have to say? Well,
okay, here's the thing. My cats would probably
hiss at this thing. But I like this thing. I
like all animals. Okay, so this thing runs up
to you then, and it's kind of like. its tongue's
flopping and then you see it sneeze real hard
and as it sneezes it teleports it just blinks
out of existence and you hear it behind you it's
like comes running up from behind you again um
so every as you're kind of like looking around
stuff it sneezes again and just teleports to
a new spot behind you in another spot of the
room so yeah while i pet it will i teleport with
it why not that'd be scary And I keep picturing
it as a pug still, so it's a pug. What is that?
Inhumans? Their dog they can touch and it teleports
them? So this dog kind of, as it's in between
teleportating from sneezing and being sick, it
keeps teleporting. It kind of mimes out what
happened to it in this Scooby -Doo fashion. He
was captured by bad guys. He's so good at telling
us. Yeah. He's so good at it. He's fucking miming.
He's up there jumping around. He was captured
by bad guys and they were trying to sacrifice
him in some kind of ritual. But he escaped and
he's running. So yeah, what would you guys like
to do now? As you have these paths ahead of you
and this dog that keeps teleporting around every
time it sneezes every couple minutes. I'm scratching
his belly. So you just give up? You're not going
to go anywhere? I move forward. Okay, which direction
would you guys like to do? You saw, noticed a
dog coming up to you. Oh, okay. Left. Because
you didn't get good views on everything else.
Left? Yes. Okay, as you're starting to move to
the left, west? We east. So as you start moving
that way, you hear voices from the north say,
I told giving the dog to the king was a stupid
idea. And you hear this other guy kind of, I
know, I know. The thing sneezed itself right
out of my bag. I don't know what I'm going to
do about it. So yeah, you hear these guys kind
of like in the northern area as you kind of move
away. Good job. Interesting. Okay, as you enter
this room and the walls of this misty chamber,
the paths strike off in four directions. Within
this chamber, you're seeing like these little
things of like vines wrapped around these little
pedestals. What would you like to do? Anything
special you guys are into here? Kind of just
like moving through this. Colors are kind of
flashing through the sky. You're seeing lights
flash all over the place. What do these vines
look like? They're like thorns. They're like
wrapped in this like thorny... Thorny container.
The pedestals inside look like the shape of holy
men with magic stances. Do they look living?
The thorns? Yeah, they're not like dead. They're
not like dead wrapped around thorns. They look
fresh and alive, yeah. But do they look like
simple plant life? Like not intelligent? Make
me a nature check. See if you can tell if these
are normal thorns or fucked up thorns. 19. Yeah,
you can definitely tell that these things aren't
moving. Standard. Yeah, they're not just breathing
off normal plant life. They're not normal plants.
They look like they have a purpose. I'm going
to attempt to hit them with Flametongue while
it's on fire. Okay. Give me an attack roll. 14
plus 9. Nothing happens. Okay. But make me a
dexterity saving throw. I figured something.
As you see the thorn bush, like, look up at you.
Uh, that is... Yeah, 18. 18? Okay, you're able
to step out of the way real quick as it reaches
out and tries to grab you. Hmm. Well, hell with
the thorns. What's under the thorns? Uh, like
these little pedestals that just kind of look
like these holy men. Um, but, what did I say?
Oh yeah, there was paths that converge off into
different directions as well. Yeah, we'll have
to deal with these bitches later. We need to
find the unicorn. Okay, so which path would you
like to take? Uh, say north toward where the
voices were. Are they all the same color? Uh,
so north was the direction behind you where you're
going, so you're going to go up north out of
this next room? Yeah. Okay. Are you going first,
Duke? Yeah, I'll take point. Okay, roll. Actually,
I'm going to roll this. Let's see. Hang on. Hanging
on. I'm going to roll a d4. One. Wow. Okay, Duke.
So as Duke, you're like leading ahead here. Where
are you, Duke? Oh, yeah. As you lead up there,
you step around the corner and you see this.
I'm going to describe. You see this round tent
up ahead made from animal skins looking, like
it looks like it's made of animal skins just
like pitched onto this crystal floor. And outside
the tent you see a cooking pot of bubbles. What
would you like to do as you go to, like you're
in the verge of crossing over into this next
room? Walk right in? Alright, as you walk right
in you are teleported. Cool. And we're on roll
to D4. You're going to spawn in this room. Let's
see what happens here. So it's a portal tent.
Oh, fuck, Duke. Where'd Duke go? No, it's not
a portal tent. It's a portal entrance. Boop!
And you pop out in this room over here. Fucking
boss area. Yeah, you pop out in this room. You
just, like, spawn in front of this room. Let's
see. That ain't no deal. That ain't no thing.
Chicken wine. So as you enter this room, this
crystal floor of this wide chamber is covered
in a mosaic of stars, moons, and suns, and a
sneering, white -bearded human in a black robe
stands to the north, brandishing Uni's horn in
one hand and a book in the other. Four enormous
wolf -like beasts, wargs, are gathered around
the mosaic and their malevolent eyes fixed on
their evil master. When Kellick sees you kind
of, well, sees you only, Duke, pop into this
room, he says, Pathetic worm! The horn is mine,
and none shall stand in my way of my destiny.
Beasts, destroy them! Um, yeah, so then we'll
flip back to, uh, please stick in this muffin,
and the dog teleports. What'd you guys like to
do? You guys are walking ahead, you see Duke
just pop out of existence. Where'd Duke go? He
kept walking. Kept walking? Okay. There you go.
And teleport to? Not that room. Actually, yes,
you teleport in the room right in front of you
where the tent is. You're just on the other side
next to this boiling stew. Big Dick, I'm guessing
you're going to follow suit, right? Boiling stew
adds tuna to it. You're in the same room as Miss
Muffin. You teleport right in the same place
and kind of shuffle next to her. Look, I put
tuna in the stew. The dog sees you guys teleport
and he's like, what? Takes off running forward.
So let's see where our dog goes. You're supposed
to hold the dog, Kelly. It wouldn't let me. It
kept disappearing. So this dog, Duke, you just
see this dog kind of just like, this is like
right behind you and he's looking at you and
he's like, it's like jumping around and stuff.
Yeah, so Duke, or Miss Muffin and Flea Steak,
what would you guys like to do? I put tuna in
the stew. Oh, so you're just going to have a
pot of food? You're going to cook some food or
what? You're going to eat it? Now I'm scared.
I don't know who made this stew. So you just
wasted your stew? Or your tuna? No, it's not
wasted. I have more at the Iron Keep. Okay, well,
good job. You put tuna inside the pot. I'm proud
of it. She's been carrying cans of tuna. I have
lots of sleeves of tuna. Booth and tuna, casually?
Booth and tuna. Open can. All booth, little tuna
booth. All right, what would you guys like to
do? Do you look around this human, or this, oh,
God, it's not human skin. You see the animal
skin made tent. What the? Buffalo. Buffalo, boo.
It's like we got some fucking egg green shit
going on here. What would you guys like to do?
I guess, can we tell, do crystals right next
to us in that room? Oh, yeah, I guess. I guess,
yeah, you could. You could. To the north, you
hear, pathetic word. Yeah. Like in the distance.
You're like, oh, shit. Maybe go that way. Yeah,
I'm going to walk that way. Okay, so you're going
to head that way. Roll me initiative, everybody.
Wait, what's up with you? Not that I just realized
that they were right there. I didn't think about
that. Crit. Crit? Well, I got a two plus four.
That's time. Six, six, six, six, six, six. Did
you get a six? Yeah. Weak. Oh. Play stick initiative.
I rolled a 15 plus one. 15 plus one? Yeah, 16.
16. All right. Start combat. Duke, you are up
first. With initiative 20, and since you got
a crit, you're going to get, like, a surprise
extra free action, basically. You get a free
action to do what you want, and then you'll also
have your other actions. Very nice. So, yeah.
I'm going to position these wargs more appropriately.
I just spawned them. Yeah. I was hoping that.
I think you were going to have that. Oh, yeah.
So these wargs are kind of scattered across,
like, ready to defend their master, and you also
see that elemental cultist shoot Eldritch Blast,
and he's, like, tailing the mage right there.
He's like, kill it! Kill it! The guy... oh that's
him that's him that's the guy that always blasts
me um and so yeah you got all these these warps
positioned around ready to attack what would
you like to do all right uh let's see let me
check distance here oh yeah i can get down with
that okay so i am going to move they're about
20 feet from you the first two rows slightly
over to this angle okay so you're gonna move
like kind of Right in position to the war closest
to the west? Yes. All right. With specifically
the Mage and Elemental Cultist directly behind
his back. Oh, I see. I see. And I will use my
Lightning Bolt. Okay. To absolutely eviscerate.
I don't think I have to roll for that. That's
a hit, no matter what. So... A Lightning Bolt?
They have to just... I think Dex, isn't it? Like
a Dex save for them? Yeah, I mean, but I don't
have to roll to hit. I think it just goes where
I point it. What's the save? 14. Okay. Okay.
Okay. Oh, my God. All right. They all three fail.
Fabulous. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. What do you mean wait? Wait. One
of them might not have. Okay. Just one. He said
with his modifier, he might. No, they fail. Okay,
so all three fail. I had to study some numbers.
Okay. The warg and the elemental cultist and
the mage, Kellek. You heard him call it. We'll
be taking 8d6. Okay. Great. I love to hear that.
That's what I love to hear. All right, so that's
3, 5, 8, 9, 10, 14. Four more rolls. 18. That
would be 21. 25. 26. 26? Yes. Okay, so... Alright,
uh... Um... Six to him. That guy's okay -ish.
Ish? I don't know if they're okay -ish. Luckily
he's got good health. Whoa. Okay, so you blast.
You kind of run out of this room. All this happens
so quickly. Miss Muffin and Flea Stick are running
up in the doorway behind you, kind of like, oh,
shit, what's going on? Your dog's lolling his
tongue all in slow -mo because you got a nat
20. It looks badass. And as he's kind of like
pointing and saying shit, this lightning bolt
just blasts out of your hands, fries the warg
immediately, the first warg. He just fries. pole
burns him up to a crisp goes through him arcs
into the elemental colstis blasts him good and
hits the mage too and they all are kind of like
stunned just in a shock This episode of Dummies
with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin,
Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal, Ryan Tucker as
Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan Hayes as the
DM. The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan
Hayes. The artwork for Dummies with Dice, created
by Al Sorensen, can be found on Instagram under
A -R -C -S -I -0. The theme song is The Intense
Fiddle by Ben Caldera. When it comes to Dummies
with Dice, you can find our website on rss .com
slash podcast slash Dummies with Dice and on
Facebook at Dummies with Dice. Most importantly,
join our Patreon at patreon .com slash Dummies
with Dice for free or for $3 monthly to gain
access to a Discord and bonus content. Come back
in two weeks for new episodes of Dummies with
Dice.