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morning. Use of violence, profanity, rude humor,
and the portrayal of drug and alcohol use. Welcome
to Dummies and Dice, a Dungeons and Dragons actual
play podcast where we follow three not -so -average
dummies of our world that get sucked into a magical
storm and are transported to the world of Dungeons
and Dragons where they must do shit. At this
point, they're not surviving, they're thriving.
So, yeah, let's get into it. Question of the
day. I'm also Tristan Hayes, and I'm the dummy
master. Question of the day. What celebrities
would you want to play your character in a biopic
about your life? So if there was a movie about
Miss Muffin, Duke Crystal, or Flea Steak, which
actor would you want to play you? Hey, it's Flea
Steak Sonic Jelly here, Ryan Tucker. No, that's
fine. Keep going. Hey, it's Ryan Tucker here.
I play Flea Steak Sonic Jelly. Anyway, probably
Danny DeVito, just because that was the basis.
That's a good one. Yeah. Good old Danny DeVito.
We're becoming our characters. That's why he
said it backwards. This is Flea Steak, and I
play Ryan Turner. Oops. Danny Libido. Danny DeVito.
Libido on the Danny. All right. Duke, you go.
Hey, guys. Nate here. My character's Duke Crystal.
He's the level nine barbarian warlock of the
group, and I'd probably want Billy Bob Thornton.
Oh, yeah. And Duke Crystal. Mm -hmm. Me would
do the math. Mm -hmm. I'll kick your ass. I was
thinking more like the bad Santa version. Just
don't give a fuck. What about you, Kelly? Are
you Googling? No. No, never. Who is like my character?
She said, who is a psychotic famous person who
loves cats? Taylor Swift. I feel like Winona
Ryder would pull off a good Miss Muffin. No.
She would. No, thank you. Will? Will? She has
her boys. She has her boys to think of. The chick
from Ghostbusters. Amy. You know who's Amy? I'm
trying to figure out the name of the chick. I'm
just trying to. I think I know it, but I'm not
sure. Amy Schumer. No, the other one. You said
no, the other one. The one from Ghostbusters.
You know what I'm talking about? I can't think
of it. I don't think it's even Amy. Wait, the
one that worked at the desk? Amy Winehouse? Isn't
that a person? Amy Winehouse? Yeah, she does.
Yeah. Isn't she, like, weird? I remember a little
musician. Oh, yeah. Drank herself to death. Probably
pills, too. That's the way to go. That's the
rock star way. Well. Hold on a second. Hey, don't
copy right What's her face look like does it
have like a nose and eyes? Two years years. I
was thinking Melissa McCarthy. What colors are
here? White Not going to be much to work with.
Is she alive? Don't even know that. We're in.
I'm just going to start spitballing names out
there. Angelina Jolie. Angelina Vivido's wife.
She might be a cat. Halle Berry. What is that
woman's name? She was in the Toto. She looks
like Miss Muffin. Oh, Waterboy's mama. I can't
even think. I just remember the one she broke
that dude's legs. Mercy? Yeah. I bet she has
catty baits. She has catty baits. Catty baits.
Backstab on. It's not Emma Stone, but it's one
that kind of looks like Emma Stone. Sidney Sweeney?
She's blonde, and she plays a lot of dumb characters.
Oh, the girl from Scary Movie? Is that... Yeah,
Scary Movie. The blonde... What? She's... Anna...
Anna Faris. Anna Faris. Oh, yeah. Yes, that would
be perfect for it, Ms. Muffin. Yes, that's who
I was looking for. Okay, okay, okay. Ready, ready,
ready? You just said Scary Movie. Yeah. I didn't
say... Since you said dumb blonde chick, I was
like... I was like, I can picture her acting.
I can picture her scenes, but I don't even know
what I'm looking at. I can't even think right
now because y 'all wouldn't shut the fuck up.
Go ahead. I was giving you names. I was giving
you options. Hi, I'm Kelly Lee, and I play Miss
Muffin. She's a crazy cat lady rogue. Obviously,
she chose Anna Faris. Anna Faris. I still think
Waterboy's mom's the right choice. Yeah, Caddy
Bakes. Caddy Bakes. Caddy Bakes. All right, so
where are we left off? with Anna Faris, Danny
DeVito, and... How the fuck did you take it?
Billy Bob Thornton. Billy Bob Thornton, yeah,
with our three main characters that we've had
this whole time. So, Flea Stick and Miss Muffin
were trapped in a gravity well lightning blast
thing, riddled their way out of it. Dropped a
bag of holding and a bag of magic beans. That's
what we left them. And Duke Crystal got sucked
into a mirror of trapping along with a gnome
that has been there for quite some time. So,
who wants to go first? Who wants to start this?
Who might eat it? Duke, do you want to continue
your little section? What the fuck am I supposed
to do? Well, I mean, we have some stuff. This
is depending on who wants to do their thing first.
It's up to the wind. Whoever wants it. I'm stuck
in mirror dimensions. Duke, we're going to go
with you. You guys are looking at your bag of
holding, your bag of beans, and we're going to
down the hallway into Duke Crystal's mirror.
So, I believe the last thing we kind of went
over was the gnome was asking you if you had
friends that smashed things. Not particularly,
they don't. He told you that he'd been trapped
there for some time. He was working for Minerva.
decided to try to look around her things and
got stuck inside of the mirror. So that's where
we're at. So as we kind of start this, the gnome
looks at you and he goes, so the only way that
we can really get out of this thing is if someone
has dispelled magic, and I don't know if your
friends are magical like that, to turn off the
magic of this mirror. Or they're going to have
to smash it to where we fall out of it. So, I
mean, we're at the mercy of what we can do here.
If you've got some kind of magic ability, that'd
be great. But I don't know, man. I've been stuck
here for a while. One thing I can say is that
if you're stuck in here, you don't have to eat
and you won't age. You'll just be stuck here
perpetually in this moment forever. So don't
worry about getting old. I'll just train. So,
yeah. Is there anything you've got that you think
could work your way out of this magically? Dispel
magic? Something that could possibly turn off
magic, I guess. I don't think you have anything
special. I mean, I break shit, so. Not really,
no. Give me a... I got stuff meant to destroy
stuff. Give me a perception check. A very hard
one. Oh. Nice. He said roll hard. 11. Okay, nothing.
Alright, Flea Stick and Miss Muffin. I'm going
to kind of zoom out of the mirror as you guys
sit there contemplating. Flea Stick and Miss
Muffin, you guys just narrowly survived. Well,
Flea Stick kind of did better because he was
hanging on to the edge, but Miss Muffin was licking
the lightning almost. What's a bag of holding?
A bag of holding? Something that can hold basically
anything. It's fine. It can hold up to 500 pounds.
Okay, okay, okay. Hear me out. What I'm picturing
is like Halloween town bag where she reaches
in and then pulls out everything she needs. That's
exactly what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Inside
of it is like an interdimensional plane. What's
the other thing that fell down? A bag of magical
beans. You want the beans? Can I have the holding?
Yeah. So these beans, when you kind of look at
these beans, they just look like normal beans
glowing inside of a bag. So you could assume
that planting them in dirt with water could cause
some things to happen. You don't know what. If
you don't want to carry that, I can put it in
my bag for you. There actually is a section on
the D &D Beyond app in your inventory called
Party Inventory. So if you all share one thing,
you can put it all into that thing. Yeah, I could
just carry the bag and still help out. But yeah,
it's obviously, if you put something in it, Kelly
could give it back. I just want it back. That's
cool. So you strap that over your shoulder. Don't
destroy it. Don't get it broken. So, yeah, that's
where we are. What would you guys like to do
as you gotta get out of this room? Explore. Explore?
Explore. Are you gonna search this room you're
in, or are you gonna just dip out of there after
surviving the gravity well? I was gonna say,
will it turn back on, or are we gooch? You don't
know. Then let's skedad out of this room. Yeah,
I was gonna say, let's get down this hallway.
As you walk down the hallway... You remember,
you're looking through these doorways that are
opened, and you're seeing kind of scattered stuff
from where it was already messed up, and obviously,
you know, Duke Crystal came this way. But as
you're peeking in the first two doors, there's
nothing to be seen, and then the third door,
you open it up, and there's still nothing to
be seen. There's no Duke Crystal in any of the
rooms. Looks like a bunch of crap. What do we
do? What would you like to do? Are you going
to search any of the rooms? Are you going to
do something special? Yeah, I'm just going to
walk in that room, and I'm going to look underneath
the beds. What kind of deep the beds? Okay, give
me an investigation check since you're kind of
searching under beds. I'm going to go up in there.
I'm going to look at it. I'm going to go up in
there. The nightstand. Hey, boy. What are you
going to do? So it's nightstands we stick? Yeah,
check out the nightstands. Okay, give me an investigation
check. I was going to say, is that what you said?
Investigation? Yes. I'm thinking the wrong goat.
I'm going to tuck my balls. Can I roll with advantage?
What's going on in this marriage? Can you roll
with advantage? No. Why not? Four plus two. Nothing.
You don't find anything under there. Your hands
are too short to reach the back of the bed. 16
minus one. But I have darkvision. Okay, so, Fleastick,
you're searching the nightstand, and you find
a piece of paper, like a letter written inside
there. On it... Oh, okay, never mind. I know
what I'm going to say. You find a receipt inside
of there. And on this receipt, it says, mirror
of trapping. Be careful what your eyes, be careful
what looking at it can cause major discomfort.
So you see a receipt for a mirror of trapping.
You've got that idea. As you look over your shoulder,
you notice a mirror sitting in the corner. Ms.
Muffin's standing next to it, hasn't quite looked
at it yet. What would you like to do? No! She's
turning her head. No! Don't look at it! I kind
of do one of those Captain America moves where
I just throw the shield in front of her. Give
me a dexterity check. Like a ranged attack, I
guess. I don't really know how that works. Is
this dexterity modifier? 12 plus 1, 13. That
works out great. You throw that shield. Give
me a damage roll. Give me... What are you doing?
Throwing your shield? Give you, give you, give
you. Roll me a d6 plus your strength. He changed
his words on purpose. 5 plus 2 is 7. Okay, yeah.
So you throw this shield and it just sting right
into this mirror and it clicks right in the middle
of it and starts to shatter and crack. And as
it's popping, you see it kind of float up a little
bit and just poof and pop. Duke Crystal, make
me a dexterity save. And I'm like, dude, I was
about to look at myself. What the fuck? Because
it's almost like... Crit. Crit? Nat 20? Yeah.
Okay, so from Duke's perspective, you guys are
inside this mirror wall and you're kind of like
touching the walls, thinking, talking to this
gnome. And in the distance, you see these mirrors
just start to... shattering as they're like moving
towards you and as the last one on your platform
breaks you feel yourself just falling like through
this void almost until you're spit out of the
mirror so you made an at 20 so you land dexterously
and land right on your feet uh no damage taken
from falling out of the void uh but unfortunately
for your gnome friend he falls out and he's going
to take quite a bit of damage so he just like
lands right in front of us And we're just like,
what? Dude, Crystal, you were in this mirror?
Oh, God. So this gnome comes flying out of this
thing head first, and he took a lot of damage
because this was technically a high fall because
you're falling from a void into the ground. He
comes out, and it's just full spine into his
ass, like breaks the neck like he folds up onto
the ground. Yeah. Luckily, you got an at 20,
so you weren't taking that heavy fall damage,
but your little gnome friend did not. Seems to
be a pattern that people around you die. They
just don't survive. You got like your own personal
final destination modifier. He is a demon. I'm
gonna take his soul. So yeah, you throw the shield
at this thing and this mirror shatters and out
of your guys' surprise, Duke and a gnome fall
out. Duke lands and this gnome just shatters
his spine against the ground. What'd you guys
like to do? We're like, what the fuck did I do
that? Did I do that? I'm gonna try and mend his
spine. Mend his spine? I don't think it's going
to work. Don't do that. I don't think that works
that way. Is it a real gnome or is it like a
garden gnome? No, it's a real gnome. He's a fake
garden gnome. He would have exploded. I can mend
objects, so is he a garden gnome? All right,
so yeah, you weren't able to get this mirror,
but you saved Duke. Is a spine in an object?
What would you guys like to do now that you're
all back together? Is there any way I could take
the pieces of this mirror, mend it together,
and put it on my shield and just reflect it at
monsters and trap their ass? If you want to collect
up the pieces of the mirror, yeah, probably when
you get back to camp or rest or something, you
could probably... work something together where
we might be able to do something like that, yeah.
Like, it probably won't be, like, a full -blown,
like, mirror trapping, but you'll have, like,
an attack you could do a day or something. You
know what I mean? Do the mirror trapping attack.
All right. Something like that. Yeah, that's
a pretty good idea. Fine. Yeah. So, yeah, you
can gather up the mirror pieces because there
is no magic really gathering inside of you right
now. Disco sheet. Okay. All right, yeah, you
gather up shards of the mirror trapping. Anything
else? Got a crystal skull, disco shield. I got
a gnome. Let's see here. Give me a perception
check, all of you, as a group. 15. Wait, 18 plus
5. Okay, Miss Muffin. Where you looked under
the bed originally. You're kind of seeing a glimmer
this time, shining from underneath the bed. Yeah,
my dark vision kicked in. So you reach under
there and you grab this, what looks like a little...
Sex toy. No! Stop it! Yes, it looks like a sex
toy. But it's also, when you grab a hold of it,
you get this memory just like shocked into your
brain. It's like a memory shard. Not a good memory.
So what you're seeing in this flash before your
eyes is you're looking through what seems to
be Minerva's eyes, the old woman. And you see
her sitting on her bed just getting it. And you
hear the door get kicked in. And she kind of
hops up out of the bed, throws her sex toy under
the bed. What the fuck? And starts to run outside.
And you notice these fiery kind of creatures
busting down the door. Yeah, she's going to hell
for touching herself. You get this like hellish
smell. That's insane. Kind of inferno -y burning
up like brimstone. And you see winged creature
kind of come in and just start to do some crazy
shit. And she gets dragged out of the house and
pulled away. Towards the east. And you see her
disappear into the trees. Poor Minerva. She just
wanted a good time. Yeah. But, hey. Now you're
touching her. Masturbate before you're married
and you're going to hell. Why is it shiny? You
said it was shiny. Because of... It was just
used. It was moist. Blame dude. He's the one
that said sex toy. Now I have to go with it.
No, you don't have to. You're the master. I do.
Hey, good ideas are good. Okay, so. You just
picked it up all willy nilly literally. So willy
nilly literally. So yeah, you get this image
flashed before you and you realize that. She
was drug away by some kind of hellish creatures
towards the east. If you guys would like to leave
this place, I think you've pretty much searched
it. I'm going to stick this in my bag of holding.
I'm glad you said your bag of holding. Yeah.
Do a crystal scooch. Okay. All right. So, guys,
give me a group survival check. As you're kind
of walking through these woods, try to follow
the tracks of... Either hellish fire or brimstone
smells or footprints, whatever you're searching
for. Survival? 15. 14 plus 1. Okay, that's good
enough. So as you're walking through the east
way, you're noticing, like, scorch marks on the
ground, and you're hearing drag marks and stuff,
and you get... Damn, did you hear that echo?
Does it happen? No, you see that every time.
It's just your spot. Anyways, you get further
ahead and you start to see this pit in the ground
up ahead and just flames, or not flames, smoke
bowling out of it. Bellowing out of it? Bellowing
out of it. What would you like to do? We see
smoke bellowing out of what? A pit. Far up ahead,
kind of about, I'd say you guys are probably
about... 60 feet away from it. But there's a
pit and you see a boiling water, smoke coming
out of it. You haven't looked inside yet. You're
not close enough. I approach. You want to approach?
I'm a demon. Okay. Yeah, you're now scared from
fire. Okay, I'm going to change the map. So as
you approach... That's what I was trying to find
on the map. I was like, where is it? As you approach
the edge of this map, we're also using this physical
map too now if you want to follow that as well.
So as you approach this edge of this pit, You
see this stairwell that leads down, and you're
noticing that the bottom of this stairwell is
a cage holding Minerva inside of a lava pit.
Minerva! She's kind of held up by chains stuck
into the wall. Make me a perception check, everybody.
Toss your sext away at her. See what you can
see. Sorry, I had her hidden. What was it? Perception?
Yes. Oh, I wasn't listening. What'd you say?
Perception. 20. Nat 20? 15 plus 5. Okay. Still
pretty good. 14 plus 5. Okay, very good. My bad.
So actually with that good roll, you notice that
there are three creatures inside of here. One
that looks like a demon, a pure devil of form,
and he's got this large beard hanging off of
him. You see these two... Let me... Look at this
thing so I can describe it again. Perfect. Better.
It looks just like a demon mouth hole full of
people. That is a... Yes. So as you're looking
down where you see this demon standing, he's
standing inside of the skull that is formed in
the side of the mountain. And then standing on
top of the cage, you see these two demonic, gorilla,
big -ass, large creatures just hanging onto the
cage as if they're just... Made to protect. They're
there to defend, and they're there to make sure
this bitch stays. Get a smidgen out of my back.
They are called baroguras. Baroguras. I really
don't know how to say it. It's really fucking
hard. They're called gorilla monkeys. Barogura.
Barogura. Just say gorilla monkeys. Yeah, they
are the demon gorillas. That's not what I said.
Barogura. Yes, and with the perception, you also
see that at the end of each of the chains that
are... connecting it, the smaller chains that
you see, the big chains, you don't have to worry
about this. The smaller chains that are connecting
to the ends are imps holding onto like crank
handles. Yeah. So you might have a little bit
of a time limit once this pops off. Wow. Yeah.
Okay. So what would you guys like to do as you've
kind of peered over the top of this pit? Well,
I have no freaking idea. Any plan? Because you
know that there is a demon or a devil. There's
two demonic gorilla ape things, and there are
imps holding cranks on all the chains. It hasn't
started combat. You guys are probably about 40
feet up on top of this mountain stairwell, so
they haven't necessarily noticed you at the top
yet. Oh, they haven't noticed us yet. Invisible
cloak. Okay. Is that it? Are you going to do
anything else, or are you just going to stand
invisible at the top of the mountain? I'm waiting
for a plan from my friends. All right, well,
what do you guys want to do? We don't fuck my
plan always, dude. crash the party smash fucking
heads yeah I'm about on the same page okay so
are we going to sneak down this bitch are we
going to leap are we going to fly I have no idea
what the range is around here so this is all
metal right no this is like a pit of stone no
I mean the chains the chains are metal yes so
if I had an electric weapon I need to get a grasp
on the linear distance. She's in a cage. I need
to get a grasp on our linear distance. Just tell
her to jump. We don't have a grid, so roughly
how far are we from the cage? From the top of
the mountain? Without taking elevation into account,
just laterally. Straight across? 60 feet. So
you're about 40 feet high, but it's 60 feet straight
from where you're standing across, but it's lower
than you. So roughly, probably the imp too, we're
talking like 80 feet. Yes, that's 90 exactly.
Okay. Okay. The second imp on the east side,
yeah. Sounds like plans are brewing. Yeah, because
you guys haven't been discovered yet, so you
are able to kind of... I'm going to start just
walking down the staircase. If he wants to stealth,
if you want to jump, if you want to fly, if you
want to... Do whatever you guys got in your arsenal
of things to do. You can surprise rounds. I'm
already at the bottom of the staircase now. You
have to pop your rage. I think we did your movement
speed doubled or something because that's usually
what it said. It was like 60 feet of fly or something
like that. Okay. I believe. Amp number one looks
like the way this map is set up. It looks like...
I can step down three steps. All of us could
reach imp number one. But it is 40 foot down.
So you have to go 40 feet down the stairs. And
then you're on the platform with the imp. So
I'm going to sneak 40 feet down the stairs. And
that... My movement speed is how much? Like 35.
But you also have bonus action dash if you wanted
to do 60. So I'm going to dash up to this bitch.
To imp one? Are you going to do like a sneak
up? Yeah. So, roll me a stealth check with advantage.
Stealth with advantage? I'm probably going to
do something stupid. Well, at this point, Kelly's
in position for something if she wins a stealth
check. If not, she's going to pop off initiative.
14 plus 12. 14 plus 12. You are not detected,
so you are stealthed by imp 1. That means I come
right up behind him and stab him right in the
neck. So you can hold if you want, because you
don't have any more actions. Because you invisible,
dashed, and stealth checked. Hold. So now Duke,
I think, wants to do something. If he wants to
pop off, you will still be hidden through initiative
start. Can I ready up my dagger with the poison
on it? To attack when? To attack him right in
the neck when I need to. Yes, ready is a real
rule in D &D. So yes, you can ready your dagger
to attack the M1. Make sure you say my poison
dagger. Yes, once you have an attack ready, so
once combat starts. your attack will hit. So
now it's up to the other two to perform whatever
they want to do. Actually, my bad. It says Dagger
of Venom. That's way cooler. So, Duke, you said
you had something you wanted to do that might
start off this shit? Well, do you want to do
anything? Because I'm a Randy. Because you could
be blasting magic from up top and kind of stay
back and heal and whatnot. Or move closer, too,
if you needed to get someone down the stairs
because it is 40 foot up. So you would have advantage
on your attacks, too, because you'd be high ground.
If that's what you want to do. Alright, yeah.
Okay, cool. I'll just stay then. Okay. I'm going
to move six feet away from Flea Steak. But...
I think... Hold on. I dare you to move. What's
your plan, though, Duke? What are you planning
to do? I'm likely going to rage and fly straight
down to fuck up and borrow Gurus. Both of them.
So you're going to fly straight to the cage?
Yeah. Okay. Well, they hopefully deal with the
imps for the most part. And if I can, I'm going
to fly across if I have time to get imp number
three since he's so damn far away. Okay. And
hopefully the bearded devil doesn't be a dick
about me beating up these borrowed girls. Oh,
you're going to have to worry more about the
borrowed girls than you about him. Yeah. All
right. So the way this is going to work then,
we got fleece. What's that? What do you mean?
Just aid. As aid, what's that do? Bolsters your
allies with toughness and resolve. Choose up
to three creatures within range. Each target's
hit point maximum and current hit points increased
by five for the duration. So they get five extra
hit points? Mm -hmm. Yeah, if you want to do
that, that's fine. I think at this point it's
more... I'd save that for, like, low -health
situations. You can if you want. Well, because
it said it gives you five. Yeah, so it'll give
you five and temporary five. Temporary, so if
you're full health, you're losing half of the
effect. True that. Makes sense. Do you have,
like, Bless or anything? I was looking for...
This ain't a fight that I was thinking that we
were getting into, but Enhance Ability was what
I was really thinking about. I think that might
be one person, or you touch them or something.
You enhance their melee attacks. Never mind.
Sorry. Okay, well, that's fine. If you want to
kind of stand up. Do Crystal, yeah, do your thing.
You're going to, what, pop your rage? Yes. And
then fly? Okay. I will say with that... since
you're kind of just you can just kind of run
and like rage and jump off the top fly over and
land and then we will start initiative so like
you won't do a wingsuit yeah so because they're
going to notice you fucking popping an explosion
of fire and then leaping at them yes so i won't
make it like oh they notice you and then you
have to wait to fly so i'm going to say with
the running they just see a demon like dive so
that's all roll initiative here oh boy Well,
she or her attacks should land. Yeah, hers will
land no matter what, but then we'll roll an initiative.
Oof. I'm going to get my ass beat. Five. Ooh,
that's bad. Five. Five. Yeah, both borrow girls
are going to have the inspiration. I almost did
it. No, because you never give them out. Yeah,
you're right. I had one and I used it. You did
better than me. I wrote a four. I hacked the
part perfectly the whole time. I never get inspiration.
I will say you can have a free re -roll of inspiration
if you guys want to do it because you guys have
all played your parts pretty well. I did just
demonically fly into the two biggest... I suck
at giving inspiration, so if you want a free
re -roll on this, you can take it. Re -roll on
what? Your initiative. Oh, wow. It's destiny.
You get the same one? Five? A three plus two
again. No way. I just rolled two threes back
to back. Is that what you just said? Yeah. Ah!
We're cursed. Wait, so what's mine plus? Wait,
I wrote a three last time too because I got three
and one. Four. It is it. Three plus four? Yeah.
Seven. At least you guys aren't arranged to get
beat up. That's not even fair. What is your split
stick? Seven. Oh, my God. Jeez. Six plus one.
All right. First up is, well, Kelly, make your
attack. Glad I'm tough. Because you said you
were readying an attack. Poison dag. So, are
you using the poison? Or are you just daggering
it? I already readied up the venom on it. So,
yeah, I'm going to venom dagger his throat. Do
it. Attack. Attack roll. No, attack roll. You
can't just, this is D &D. You can't just say,
I did it. I readied it up. I did it. 17 plus
9 to hit. So, suck it. Yeah, that'll hit. 1d4
plus 5. One second. That's not a d4. That sounded
heavy. There's a lot of rolls there. It's a pretty
round shape. Oh, wow. 4 plus 5. 9 damage. And
your poison? Venom. I mean, you gotta roll the
damage on it. Your venom? Well, I've never done
that before, so what do I roll? You've done this
a lot. 2d10 poison. Never mind, I remember now.
I think you've done it quite a few times. Most
of the time actually, I think a few times actually
you've done it the skull does and it's done nothing.
Oh, yeah, now I hear it. A few times actually,
yeah. What's the d10? Your bones will rot. One
with a zero. What was that on the wall? Probably.
Oh, I found it. Yeah, it's that. A one. The space
shuttle. And it says roll it twice. Three all
together. Three all together poison damage? Yeah.
You know what? Let me check something real quick.
It says DC 15 constitution save me. Is it poisoned?
Is that what the condition is? Cut that out of
there. I'm dyslexic. Is the condition poisoned?
Like, is it poison damage? Is that what it said?
Damage is 1d4 plus 5. 2d10 poison. Damage type,
it says piercing. You stick him with this poison
and you try to inject the poison into him and
you see him grit his teeth and the venom, he
just kind of absorbs it and takes no damage from
the venom. It says he becomes a poison for one
minute. The dagger can't be used this way again
until the next dawn. Yeah, he's immune to poison.
You didn't tell me. I wasn't gonna. So it's his
turn now. Hey, it's your dummy master, Tristan,
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his throat anyway. You did. He's just not dead.
So now it's imp one's turn as you kind of stop
him. Well, you did stop him from cranking or
trying to lower her into some lava. Because the
other two are cranking, which is going to make
it slower. He is going to... What's that called?
A sting attack. Whoa. Two plus five. Okay, he
misses so bad. Yeah. Kick him. He's just distracted
because he's trying to crank. It is the second
imps. He's going to make his strength check.
Oh, he cranks hard. And you see his chain kind
of drop her a little bit. Well, the other one's
got to roll, too, to drop her fully. But half
cranked is what we'll say. Half cranked. Half
cranked. This is a Jason Statham movie. Now it
is the bearded devil. Oh, boy. Jesus Christ.
What can you do here? Jesus Christ. He ain't
gonna do shit. I'm gonna fucking clap his cheeks.
He don't have flight. Okay, so he's going to
have to... He's a pussy. He's going to walk in
the lava. Why is he bearded? He don't have a
beard. Yeah, so he's going to just stand by because
he doesn't have any range and he's just going
to wait and see what happens. It is the bar...
It's gorilla demon time. He's going to do an
attack to you, Duke. Of course he is. Multi -attack.
Of course it is. I figured that much. Okay. That
is a 16 plus 7. That's a miss. don't even ask
alrighty now it's over 20 it is almost 4 and
so 8 plus 4 with the first hit and then the second
one is a thrash okay that's a 16 plus 7 okay
1d10 and that is a 4 plus 4 bludgeoning damage
is he kind of just blah blah Target is a large
or small creature. Make me a dexterity save.
Let's see. Eleven. You are knocked prone. Okay.
Alrighty. Next up. Minerva, she can't do anything
yet. She's trapped in a cage. M3, you're going
to make a strength check. He fails, so we're
still at half crank. Miss Muffin, it's your turn.
You're on an M. I'm going to dagger him. Okay.
Dagger him. This time, I can double dagger because
I haven't done shit yet. Dude, my phone will
not move. Okay, so for my first dagger, 13 plus
9 to hit. 1d4 plus 5. Damage. Four plus five,
nine damage. Second dagger does not hit. Two
plus nine. Eleven. What was the damage on the
first one? Nine damage? Yep. All right. Well,
that's that. Now it is Flea Stick's turn. You're
up top, 40 feet above them all. What are you
doing? That's that. Hmm. And they attack these
two, right? She's on imp one, and Duke is on
the cage. All right, so I'm on the cage. I guess
imp two is the one that's still cranking, right?
Yeah, imp two is still cranking. Cranking good.
Cranking good. I'm gonna Guiding Bolt his ass.
Guiding Bolt? Yeah. Okay, what spell slot? Level
1? Level 2? Yeah, Level 1. Okay. Mark your spell.
Do the attack roll. 16 plus 9. Um, yeah. Luckily,
imps aren't incredibly strong. Alright. So, 1
damage? Five damage. Last one. Seven damage.
Seven damage, and next attack against that one
has advantage, because Guiding Bolt does that.
So, what are you doing next? Anything else? Might
as well whip up the spiritual weapon. Okay. Where
are you spawning it? Do you want to put it with
Duke, Miss Muffin, or on a different imp? Somebody
else? Yeah, I'll put it on M3, I guess. Try to
knock it down. All right. Make me your attack
roll. I think it attacks when you spawn it, right?
Yes, sir. Okay. Good use of the... The girl.
The old... Is it coming out as the trash can
lid? Yeah. Okay. So, 11 or... What is it? 12
plus 9. Oh, yeah. Definitely. So, 1, 2, 3...
One d8 damage of forcing it. On to him. Seven.
Seven damage to M3. Decent scattered damage across
the map. Nice. Good work, guys. Thanks. Sorry,
dude, because the other bar... I can't not fucking
say that name. Gorilla thing. Gorilla thing.
He's going to do his multi -attack. It looks
like a Yeti from, like, a hot territory. That's
what it reminds me of. 15 plus 7. Like a hell
Yeti. Of course he did. That's 3. That's 2, so
3 and... 5 plus 4. Next attack, thrash. 12 plus
7. 1d10. That was a bad roll. Just fall off.
6 plus 4 damage on that one. Alright. That's
his turn. Who is that against? Huh? He's against
both gorillas right now. On the cage. It's your
turn now, dude. Okay. Well, first things first.
That one's getting cracked in the fucking face
with a flametongue. One or two? The first one.
Okay. It's lit with fire, you said? Yes. Okay.
Eight plus 11. Yeah, that's what they're not
incredibly armored either Six standard damage
And six four six standard and six fire yes All
right, so, yeah, the flame hits him, and he kind
of burns, but doesn't do as much damage as you
could expect, as you would assume. All right.
And for my second attack, I will use my offhand,
and I will use command with the Wand of Fear
on that same one. Oh, fuck. What do I got to
do? Well, holding the wand, you can use an action
to expend one charge, command another creature
to flee or grovel. I'll pick flee. Okay. He has
to make a DC 15 wisdom save. Okay, do you see
wisdom? 15? Yes, out of a gorilla. I highly doubt.
What the fuck? You're using way to dice over
there. It's the Odyssey. So yeah, he saves on
that 20. Alright, good for him. Well, that was
a good shot. I forgot about that wand already.
Alright, imp one. He's going to divert his attention
to try and attack you, Kelly, instead of cranking.
No! Why me? He knows he's going to die if you
don't. You mean Mr. Warren. The DM's cheating.
Oh, not 20. The DM's fucking cheating. He's got
way to go. What the fuck? Not with disadvantage.
No. I cast it on you. 1d6. I'm going to roll
it twice. 1. 5. So 6 plus 3 damage to you. 6
plus 3? And actually. That's 7, 8, 9. And 3 poison
damage. I didn't see that last time he stung
you. So, bug you. F2. He's down there by himself,
so he's just going to crank it. 14. What's his
strength be here? Oh, 14 minus 2. Yeah, he's
not doing much cranking. Good. Next up, Bearded
Devil. Let's see what he can do here exactly
of range. I don't think he has any range shit.
So he's going to just start making his way towards
Miss Muffin. What? Walking through the flames.
He can't get the man fucking up on a cage. Yep.
He does not have a whole lot of movement speed,
but he's moving. All right. You better fucking
do your shit quick and start doing what the fuck
I have. All right. Second bar gruel. Bar gruel.
Second bar gruel. I'm trying to say it. It's
the second bar gruel. Second bar gruel. Sorry,
dude. Actually. Yeah, sorry, dude. Actually.
What the fuck? Actually, sorry. Are you broken?
He's going to take an opportunity attack because
I'm thinking outside the box. What the fuck?
No, I mean, you can take your opportunity attack.
He's going to run. He's going to use dash and
he's going to make his way towards that cleric
before it starts nailing his bitch ass. So make
your opportunity attack. Get out of here. I can't
let you get off too easy. Why not? What? Oh,
shit. Okay, so I'm switching dice. Yeah, you
go to swing at this fucking gorilla as it comes
past you to make its way, and you kind of slit
trip a little bit. Make me a dexterity save.
After you do a little slit trip. And the bar
gorilla, two, one is at the bottom of the stairs.
Please take. 17. Okay, you grab onto the edge
of the cage, and you're able to kind of wiggle
your way back up and not fall into a pit of lava.
Good. Well, it wouldn't fucking matter. Fuck.
You have fall damage. This is not what I'm flying.
All right. I probably would fall. That one was
its turn. He's going to run to go get flea stick.
Imp three. Fuck, I guess he's going to crank
it. What else can you do but crank it? He fails.
All the time you're like, I fucking hate your
character. Fuck your character. Miss Muffin,
it's your turn. You see about one turn movement
speed away from you, 30 feet. is a bearded devil.
So, imp's still standing in front of you as well.
How many feet from me? He's 30 feet from you.
30 feet from me. But the imp is still on you,
so you could hope to God you kill him and can
run, or see if you're going to fight a bearded
devil face to face. And also, one of those fucking
yeti things is running at somebody. It's about
30 feet behind you, going about to go up towards
fleece dude. I'm going to... I'm going to...
Stab this imp in the neck and hopefully end its
life! And then dash up to fleece it. So you gotta
come up behind the gorilla thing? Because it's
on the bottom of the stairs. Are you serious?
Yeah. I'm not at the bottom. Yeah, you are. You
went down to go fight Theo. He's down there cranking.
Yeah, he was only halfway. Remember? We talked
about this. Yeah, there's like a little ledge
here. He's down at the bottom of it, though.
I don't remember saying he was halfway. You used
dash to get all the way to him. To go down the
stairs and get to him. Yeah. Halfway down the
stairs to him. No. Back up the track. I swear
you said it. I mean, technically he is up on
a ledge up here. No, I was saying, I said, that
was the whole point of using Dash was to get
all the way down to him. So. Um. You can climb
if you want to climb the wall. Okay. I have,
what are they called? Oh yeah, your boots of
spider climbing. So yeah, you can literally climb
the wall. Slippers of slipperiness or something.
Boots of spider climbing. They're called something
else than that. No, they're not. Because they
literally make you climb on walls. You used it
to try to evade Duke last time in that one dungeon.
I thought they were called something. Yeah. boots
of spider climbing or something. Slippers. I
thought they were called slippers. What the fuck
ever? Boots? Slippers? They're goddamn shoes
that make you climb on walls. Sandals? Why would
they make anything that's like pertaining to
climbing up a wall a slipper? Slippers of spider
climbing. I already have those on. I leave them
on. So if you want to kill the imp and then climb
straight up the wall, you can, but you gotta
make your attack roll against the imp. Okay,
hell yeah. That's my plan. Okay. It's 40 feet
up, so. You get to almost the top. 16 plus 9
to stab him in the neck. 8 damage. You got lucky.
That wasn't lucky. Actually, that was way over
his health. He's dead. He spewed out by now.
You didn't get lucky. He died. So yeah, now what
do you want to do? Oh, I'm running. You're going
to crawl right up the wall? Yeah, I've got to
get the hell out of here. So I said that it was...
I will give you fucking a bone and say that that
guy does kind of look like he's on a small ledge
at the bottom. So instead of it being a full
40 feet, it'll be 30 feet up the top. Yeah, it's
your map. You made it. You're to the top of the
fucking... Shut up, or I'll take you back down
the wall. No! I'm sorry. You fall. You fall because
I said so. The rock breaks. Did you make this
map? Oh, this one? Yeah. I do that one. That's
pretty badass. So, yeah. Is that else? What else
do you want to do? I guess that was probably...
That's two actions. Okay. I don't know if I...
Can I do another one? Nope, you're broke. I don't
know if I'm broke. I refreshed on accident. I
didn't mean to do that. Okay. You're up at the
top. Good. I mean, at least you're a bit away
from the devil now, so it's going to take him
a harder time to get to you. Yeah, devil. That's
my offense. Now it's flea stick. Your turn. What
do you want to do? You got a margaret coming
up the stairs at you. Alright. Marble. Marble.
Marble. Marble Black. It's like when you're reading
a book and you can't read the name. Marble Red.
That's my name of my cowboy I read online. Marble
Black. Marble Black. He's a rough guy. He's rough.
Fuck it. Guiding Bull. Alright. Level... One.
One? Okay. Do it. Dewey. 13 plus 9. Yes. Damn,
plus 9. That's like wisdom. Spell attack. Pop
it. Pop it, man. Pop. No. 3. Shit. 3. 3. Damn.
I saved it on a 3. Alright, so what was that?
10 damage? Plus anything? Or just straight 10?
Just straight 10. Okay, 10 on him and advantage
on the next attack. Oh wait, I got advantage
on that too. No, it's on the one that you hit
with the guiding bolt. So that one imp. I didn't
hit him last time. You have advantage on this.
Bonus action, you're going to hit with your...
Oh, wait, yeah, I hit the... Never mind, sorry.
Yeah, the shield to the imp this time. Okay.
Or spiritual weapon, sorry. Well, yeah. Which
is a shield. Spiritual shield. Yeah, okay. Wait.
Okay. Yeah, you don't gotta cast it again. It
just does it. 10 plus 9. 10 plus 9. To that imp.
Which one is that imp? Thray? Thrice. Yeah, Jesus
fuck this die. So all right one plus five Six
all right six damage as he gets blasted in the
back of the head with the shield again think
That's the hope it's the one on the stairs. I
think it's his turn now Wait No, the ones the
one ran already didn't it or did it attack you?
It ran didn't it? I think I just mixed them with
the wrong ones. So It's the ones turn that's
on you now Because then the other one ran. Okay.
All right. He's going to do his... Actually,
he's going to do something else, I think. Make
sure you don't get away. Make sure you don't
do something... Shitfuck. I'll show him, shitfuck.
He's actually going to do something else that
I find kind of shitty because I know he can fight
you fist to fist. He's going to cast a spell
because these fuckers can cast spells. The spell
he's going to cast is called Entangle. And he's
going to cast it on Miss Muffin to stop the rogue
from doing roguely things. Miss Muffin, in a
20 -foot square range around you and Flea Stick
is grasping plants that sprout out of the ground
and make you in difficult terrain, so your movement
speed will be halved. I need both of you to make
a strength saving throw. Miss Flea Stick, you
have a chance. Miss Muffin, you don't. Hopefully.
Roll with advantage? Shit. No, I don't think
so. Can't I do that? Don't I have so many of
those? What? Oh, a luck thing? Yeah, you can
use a luck point. Okay. I forgot about that.
So I'm going to roll again. Oh, it's even worse.
You have to accept the next roll. That's the
way it works, too. Really? Yeah. Yeah. That's
luck for you. Well, two. Two? Yeah. Okay, so
you are restrained, which means you can take
an action to break out of being restrained your
next turn. Strength athletics check. Dang it.
What is yours? 2 plus 2, 4. You are also restrained
on your next turn where you can break out. Yep.
It's Imp 2's turn. He's going to crank. He fails.
He fails. Bearded Devil's turn. He's going to
make his way. Let's see. He's going to divert
his attention towards the chain. He's going to
make a hardcore strength check. Nat 20. He cranks
this bitch so good that the other cranks didn't
even need to be cranked. And she drops a whole
10 feet towards the lava. Which also means, I
mean, Duke, you are too, but who cares? It is
Bargo's two's turn, the one out the stairs. You
know what he's going to do? What's his movement
speed? Yeah, he can get up there. Oh, wait. Actually,
they can't get in on that. Yeah, he can't get
up there. He can get right to you, flea stick,
and he's going to fucking... He's gonna give
you a piece. How can he get the flea stick? What,
he's gonna roll a fucking... 20 feet around us?
He's gonna roll like a 27 to hit it, probably.
Grabbing your ass grass. Ass grass? Hang on now.
You are correct, actually. Yes. His movement
speed is half, so he's halfway up the stairs,
and then he drops to half of his movement speed,
so he can't move any further up there. Grabbing
your ass grass. Good job, Kelly. Yeah. No, Miss
Muffin. Well, Kelly decided, figured it out.
Oh. You're right. Alright, so yeah, there you
go. Place that right there. Lock it. Pop it.
Put it in your pocket. Alright. I ain't got no
pocket. That means next turn, I guess. Minerva,
she can't do anything. Imp three. Crank. Five.
They should just stop cranking. Miss Muffin,
it's your turn. You want to make a strength check?
Roll a luck point. Thirteen. Minus one. Twelve.
And that's just to jerk my leg? To break free
of the restraint, yes. Well, if that doesn't
work, I'm going to dagger them. Can't use strength.
What did you get? My arms too. What did you get?
A 12. You barely failed. You are still restrained.
13. I need a 13. Please stick. Give me a strength
athletics check. If you have athletics, you can
add that bonus to it. It saves odd numbers for
some reason. 13. Because it's ones that you can't
have. It's always like you're going to be one
short or something. Should I roll for each one?
What? Roll for each one? Just roll away strength
athletics. Oh. 19 plus 6. You break free. Lucky.
Good job. He's out of the ass grab. That is taking
action. So that was your action to break free.
So you have a bonus action to do something if
you want. Kill that guy coming for you. You don't
have a main action. Yeah. I'm going to try and
knock him down the stairs with my spiritual weapon.
You're going to move it to you and hit him? Yeah.
Okay. Alright. That works. Because it can move
fucking far. I think that was 60 feet or something.
Yeah. It's pretty decent. That's my dash speed.
I mean. Distance. 19 plus 9. That's another 19.
It's because you yelled at me. Well, his fucking
shield goes off of his, like, spell attack shit,
so it hits hard. It's always fucking got a huge
modifier. Motherfucker! This thing's going in
jail. See you later. Uh, 1 plus 5, so 6. On the
damage. 1 plus 5, so 6 damage. I need to get
a dice, too. Six. I know. I was going to get
a really cool one, and then I didn't get it.
Punish them when they're being bad. All right,
Duke. One on you. The die has to be right. Oh,
he fails the first hit. Does that make a second
attack? He fails. Why does he get two turns before
I've got a turn? What? You're next. You and him
are the same initiative. Wasn't that the same
one that just threw the grass shit up on the
hill for them? No, that was the other one. We
just burnt through all their turns really fast.
Because all they could do... Well, she didn't
even really get a turn. She failed her thing,
so she's restrained. So yeah, that was that one.
But he failed. He missed both of his swings,
so now it's your turn. Well, apparently Barbarian
ain't working, so we're gonna go Warlock. I'm
gonna hit him with a fucking lightning bolt.
Okay. He has to make a... What is the dex save
on that? It should say in your spell saves now,
now that you're a fucking warlock. Fifteen. Fourteen.
Okay. That was close. What was it? Wisdom? Yeah.
Alrighty. No, that one's dex, actually, for lightning.
Oh, dex. Okay. He fails. Good. So he takes eight
d6. He barely failed, actually. He just barely
fucking failed. Eight d6 Not six seven Thirty
one damage. Yeah bolt of lightning just like
crackles out and just blasts through him like
hits the walls of the pit and is firing out in
this thing roll me roll me a roll me a luck roll
here you wanna see if it killed her too huh roll
me a d20 16 alright So you zap this thing and
it kind of hits the chains of this machine and
just kind of arcs out and shoots backwards towards
the thing and actually is going to hit. Oh, shit.
The bearded devil and the. I was worried it was
going to hit Ogre. Well, if you failed, it was
going to do the whole thing. But now it kind
of arced outward rather than. Like, hey, cranky
cranky. So I'm just going to do this. Three.
One handle in that crank. Four. So four, five,
six. So six lightning damage kind of arcs out
and hits the bearded devil and imp three. Hell
yeah. And then... For my second attack... Okay.
I will be casting... How close is that fucker?
Within melee range. Yeah, you guys are like right
up against each other. Thunderclap. Okay. Constitution
14 save. Jeez. Save it. Save. He's saving it.
Gotta save it all. Constitution? Yes. He's got
a better constitution. Fuck, he fails. Six plus
three. What day? So that means he takes 2d6 thunder.
Damn. This is the way to go, spells like that.
Six, three, so nine thunder damage. Nine thunder
damage. Good shit. Thunderclap. All right, does
that do anything else, or is it just the damage?
No special conditions or anything? Spell can
be, the thunder's clap can be heard 100 feet
away. Yeah, it echoes through that pit. First
comes the lightning, then comes the thunder.
Yes. Alright. Imp 2. Crankin'. That's all he
can do. He fails. Bearded devil. After getting
hit with that fucking chain of lightning, he's
gonna make his way towards you. Just fuck this
guy. He can almost make it to you. He's going
to get hit by difficult terrain. He looks like
he's in the lava. He is. He's a devil. He's immune
to fire. He don't give a shit. Alright, it is
the one on the stairs. He's going to take half
his movement speed to make it to you, which is
20 feet. I think you were exactly 20 feet from
him. Is he not restrained? No, he's not restrained.
It's his own spell. It doesn't restrain him.
Why the fuck would he walk in his own trap? He
can walk in it, but he don't get restrained.
What is this? Is he too strong? What does this
do? Bucks people up. That's what it does. It
sounds like it does. I'm sure it does. Everything
they throw fucks people up. Big ol' fuckin' yetis
from hell. Fire yetis. Look like the yetis from
Star Wars. Mm -hmm. Get worse. Because they use
magic. Ooh, fuck. I'm gonna save that. I don't
wanna use that yet. No, that's nice. Yeah, he's
gonna take his normal attack. He's gonna tormenting
bite and thrash at you. He fails the first one.
He fails the second one. He rolled the same thing.
What is your AC, please take? Loser. 18. Oh,
yeah, no, he fails. I thought it was pretty high.
Loser. Loser. Minerva, imp three. Cranking, because
there's no more spiritual weapon on him. Oh,
he cranks. So that's one out of three cranks.
Doesn't really matter, because there's nobody
else doing any others that much. Miss Muffin,
are you going to try to break out of your restraints?
I got to break free. Strength athletics check.
Do you have any athletics? Oh, I didn't know
I could be using athletics. You got to listen
to my words. No, my athletics is also the same.
I have acrobatics. Yeah. So anyways, I rolled
a nat one. Can I roll with advantage like point?
Or am I out? I think she only has three. I think
I already used all three. You only used two.
I used one last. Well, does it count? It still
hasn't been. We took a long rest. Oh, you used
one in the other place? Yeah. I should have reminded
you. You're cooked. Yeah, you're cooked. I don't
know what to do for now. I guess you're gonna,
you try to wiggle out so hard that you cut yourself
on plants. The fuck? Yeah, you're not worried.
Grass cuts hurt so bad. It's just a one damage.
One damage? Yeah. That's the worst. Stupid. Yeah,
you got paper cut. You're gonna take one damage
per turn for the rest of your life. Please take
your turn, but you are not entangled, so you're
able to freely do what you want. There is the
guy on you, though. The gorilla thing. Mark a
little. Don't know what special shit you got.
If you got any close range super spells or hard
hitting smacks. I don't fucking know. Anything
that you see high damage with. You actually have
advantage. So if you use a long range attack
against him, it'll be normal. It won't be disadvantage
because you have a guiding bolt on him. If you
have a range attack you want to do. Like, spell
-wise, magic, hard -hitting something, you can
use it and it won't be disadvantage. I'd say
use every hard -hitting thing you can. I got
the plan. Alright, I'm gonna do Guiding Bolt
at level 4. Alright, what's the damage difference
on that? 76 instead of 5. Damn. 7d6. Hell yeah,
make your attack roll. It's the ballroom rule.
12 plus 9. Yes, that will hit. I guess your plus
will damn near get you there no matter what.
Yeah. So, 2. Unless you roll under 5. 8 plus
4, 12. 7. So, 19. Two. Yep. How many was that?
Four? Is that three more? One. I'll just take
them in as you'd say them. All right. 29. 29
total? Mm -hmm. What was the last roll? A four.
Four? Okay, because I was putting them in as
you meant. All right. Yeah, that was a lot of
damage. You got good. I've never read this before,
but just saying, my visibility click only works
three charges. Each done. Mm -hmm. I think I
knew that, but you really only use it when you
go in combat. It says I literally can wear it
all the time. It's just when I put the hood up,
that's when it activates it. Yeah. I guess I
didn't know that, but... Yeah. Flavor. All right.
You got bonus action? That was a good hit. Did
you say flavor? Back to the amp. Oh, you're going
to move your shield back to the amp? Or are you
going to move it back to the amp? Flavor, flavor!
All right. 8 plus 9. 8 plus 9? Yeah. 6 plus 5.
6 plus 5 damage. 11. He dead. Splatters him against
the pit. Smoked him against the wall. He's just
mush now. Getting garbage canned. Lidded. Alright.
Lidded. It is Balgura's turn. The one on you,
Duke. I think you know what he's going to do.
I'm sure. He's going to bite and thrash. That's
a gnat fucking one, dog. Let's make his dexterity
save. See if he hangs on. He does not. So this
Balgura goes to bite you and you just kind of
expertly move out of the way and he misses your
wing. You do that to Matador with your wing.
He goes off the ledge and kind of falls down
to the lava. Bit below. He's resistant to fire,
but not immune. So he's going to take some heavy
fire damage from this lava. Good. Fuck you. He's
only going to take 3 damage from the lava. I
think he should have to take more damage because
he rolled a nat 1. How high up is the cage from
the lava? It's about 20 feet now. So his ass
can't get up. Because they dropped another 10.
He can climb and jump. He has a lead, but it'll
take his action and stuff. Watch his bonus action.
Okay, never mind. That's his turn, though, because
he failed epically. It's your turn now. You're
still on top of the cage. All right, my turn,
huh? Let's see. I will say that now that he's
fallen, you're getting kind of a second to look,
and you notice a latch on the top of the cage.
What? It's locked, obviously. I have these tools.
But yes, you do notice a hatch that could be
opened on the top. How strong does this lock
look? It looks decently strong, but it's just
like a... Click together walk so like you could
try to smash it if you're wanting to do that
strength check rip it off You're in rage mode
demon mode. So it's just a I'd say it's not too
hard of a straight or it's not crazy It's not
crazy to think that you as a demon couldn't rip.
I'll use an action. Okay. All right, that's fine
See if I can do that. I guess you roll with advantage
because you isn't strength checks while in rage
Oh, yeah. 19 plus 5. Yeah, you grab that cage
and it just, like, mid -bending and the lock
just snaps and just blows apart and she says,
Oh, thank you, dearie. And she just leaps out
of the top of this cage and kind of lands up
on top of the cage with you, like, on top. She's
ready to fight. Oh, yeah, she is. They interrupted
her. She's mad. Oh, my God! No! You interrupted
my playtime! Alright, so that was your action.
Anything else? Yeah, for my other attack, I think
I will throw my lightning javelin. Oh, damn,
I forgot you had that one. At the bearded dick
fuck. Okay, yeah, the one creeping up behind
you. He's walking through lava. Alright, what
do I do? What do I do? Fuck, I don't remember.
I know it's an actual weapon. I just don't know
if we... Bearded. Dick fuck. One moment, folks.
I don't even know if I have that shit in my inventory.
Yeah, I can... Didn't it just do what Lightning
Bolt did? I think so, yeah. It was like Javelin
of Lightning. It formed a line of five feet wide
that extends... Yeah, that's Lightning Bolt.
Yeah. Pretty much what I had. It transforms into
a bolt of lightning, so yes. Whatever you did
for Lightning Bolt, I'll do for that. All right,
then. So, I throw it. And it gets to make a deck
save of 14. Okay. 13 plus 2. Hell yeah. Alright,
he takes half of 8d6. So, oh yeah, let's roll
all 8. 3, 6, so 9. Another 6, so 15. 2, 17, 6,
23, 24, 6, that's the last one, so 29. 29 halved.
Yep. All right. Take 14 damage. Good. And a half.
14 and a half, yes. Hope you get that javelin
back later. Yeah, it sticks into him. He's like,
ow! All right. Anything else? Bonus action or
something? I don't know if you got anything for
bonus action. Let me check. Heals or anything?
Potion? Let me check. I know you got a lot of
fucking health, so. That can't do shit. Alright.
Yep. Uh, imp two. He's just gonna let go of that
fucking chain. And start making his way to the
fight. He said, this is bullshit. There's no
point. Yeah. There's nobody else to help rank.
Bearded devil's turn. He's gonna pull that javelin
fucking lightning out and throw it down on the
ground. Uh, behind him. Doosh. Uh, and he's gonna
make his way towards the cage and start to try
to climb. Good luck. He's got ten feet to the
cage. Well, actually, that's half, so. and a
strength check. He fails, so he's not fully climbing
yet. Alright, it's the girl on flea stick. He's
going to do something that's going to probably
fuck you up bad. He's saving it for this moment,
I do. Sure was. He said we're on a losing side
right now. He might be at a disadvantage casting
it, but I don't even care. Don't even care. Oh
wait, no he doesn't. It's a save. I need you
to make me a wisdom save. DC 13. This is probably
going to be not very hard for you. Nine. Nine?
Plus wisdom? Yep. That was nine. Four plus five.
Okay. Then you do fail. My friend, you're going
to take a lot of damage. I'm so sorry. So as
this thing, you see him raise up his hands and
start forming this purple crazy magic and he
launches it at you and it comes flying at you
in the form of this evil nightmarish creature
skeleton flying at you and hits you in the brain.
Soaks deep into your brain. You're going to take
4d10 psychic damage. 8. 1. 9. 3. 12. And five.
17 psychic damage as your brain is just wracked
with this evil nightmare stuff. And you have
disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls
for one minute. So for ten turns. Whoa. Okay.
Alright. Alright, okay. That's his turn. Alright,
okay. It is Minerva's turn. It's just free now.
You're welcome. She's going to pull out this...
Devil in a dildo. No. She pulls out this bow,
this big bow, and it's just gleaming with silver
light. She's going to take a shot at the bearded
devil who's climbing at the bottom of the thing.
That is plus 10 to hit. That's 11 plus 10. That
will hit. We're going to do 2d8. plus 10 magical
piercing damage. Three. I thought I got her out.
Six. So six plus 10. To the bearded devil. More
shit to blow over his body. Yeah, he gets blasted
with an arrow. He said, the bitch is out! Like,
pulls the arrow out, and you can, like, sense
everybody's urgency, like, get a little bit more,
more like, oh, shit. Okay, Miss Muffin, your
turn. And we're up on the cage. Time to break
free. Time to break free! 13, because I got a
14 minus 1. What'd you get? 14 minus 1. 13? That's
exactly what you said. I know, that's why I was
excited. Okay, yeah, you break out. 1, 2, break
free. And then while I can only move half my
movement speed, and then can't do anything after
I move. You could get to the Balrua that's fighting
Flea Stick if you wanted to, but you have an
offhand attack, or you can wait, whatever you
want to do. Flea Stick's going to take another
damage, a hit probably. I'll get over there.
Can I offhand dagger him? Yes. Okay, then yeah,
that's worth it. He does. Seven plus nine to
hit? Actually, seven plus nine to hit? Yes. Eight
damage. Eight damage? Yeah. Okay, now I need
to roll a concentration saving throw for him.
He saves, the plants stay. Dang it. Okay. Wait,
is he the one that even casted that? Yeah. Okay.
I don't think he is. Oh, yeah, he was. Alright,
please take your turn. See, I was confused. I
am, too. I don't even know if he's doing one
anymore. I'm just seeing names. We just have
fun, okay? We just have fun around him. I just
smash. Come on, please take your turn. Kill that
motherfucking monkey. He's bleeding. You see
black, like, Black blood dripping out of him.
It's not Harambe! This one's bad! You smell the
abyss creeping out of his soul. Rest in peace
to Harambe. Because as Nate and I looked through
the book earlier, these creatures are from the
abyss. Harambe! Yes. Abyssal. Abyssal creatures.
There's not no silverback bitch. No, he's a silverback
abyssal bitch. I'm a bare -butt baboon. What
you got, flea steak? I'm going to hit the whatever
the fuck it is with my... The gorilla butt monkey?
Dragon's fire sword, yeah. Okay. Hit butt monkey
two. Dripping the black abyss. Nope. 5 plus 3,
8. 8 to hit? Oh, yeah, no, that does not hit.
Does that hit 3 or whatever? Huh? The third amp?
No, there is another amp still. He was starting
to make his way towards the fight. All right,
well, I'm just going to hit this. That dude?
That ass monkey. Okay, you're going to hit him
with your shield? Mm -hmm. Key. I didn't know
there was three M's. Yep, there was three M's
controlling the chains. My bad. But then once
they kind of ran out of M's to keep chaining,
they gave up on cranking. They also don't have
a hostage to dip in the lava. That too. I want
to break free. Well, fuck. What? Four plus nine.
That will not hit. All right. Oh, he's going
to use his bonus action to leap, actually, so
he don't have to climb. But he just leaps up
there onto the cage, and now he's going to take
his attack. That Minerva. Eight. That will not
hit. That one. Motherfucker jumps up there, twists
his ankle, and falls back down. So he's going
to take his fall damage. What a loser. Or his
fire damage. And fall damage again. Okay, so
yeah, he takes five damage. He falls back into
the fire and lava at the bottom. All right, Duke
Crystal, your turn. All right, let's see. We're
almost at 80 minutes. Let's see. Mm -hmm. Yeah,
I think I'm gonna crack two beams of Eldridge
Blast at the old bearded dude. Okay, make with
advantage. Because he's below. You have the high
ground. Yep. No, I don't think a 10 is going
to do it. No, it will not. Of course. And then
for my second attack, I will... Eldritch Blast!
Do the same thing again. That'll be a long -range
thing you got, really. Crit! There we go. That
one will hit. Double damage. Wait. Triple damage.
Well, no, because it's only with melee. It was
a savage attacker. Still double. Yeah, still
double damage. So, that'll be... 1d10 per beam.
That's good. Let's see if my brain's working
here. Mine doesn't. 2... 1. Wow. So, 6. 6 damage?
Alright. Not bad. He's looking hurt. That was
a dumb turn. M2. He's just... He's not even existent
at this point. He's a piece of shit. Uh, the
bearded devil. He's gonna climb. He climbs. I
hope he makes it up here. Yes, but that was his
action, so I don't think he has anything else
he can do, really. Yeah. He's toast. All right.
Bargmoola 2's turn. It would only die. He will
not hit you. He will not hit you. Minerva's turn.
She sees the old bearded devil climb to the top.
She's gonna give him a piece of her mind. I'm
gonna give you a piece of my mind, you young
whippersnapper. Okay, yeah, she's going to like
spin with these like magical, looks like blades
just kind of coming from her hands, like these
little scimitar blades kind of forming. First
one misses. Second one hits. She's going to do...
2d6 plus 10 magical slashing damage. That is
6, 2, so 6, 7, 8 plus 10. Ethan. Actually, he
is. It's 17. Yeah, the blades come through magically.
You just see his body kind of fall in half Darth
Maul style off the top of the crate into the
flames. Darth Maul. That's only my loot. This
episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee
as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal,
Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan
Hayes as the DM. The episode is edited and mixed
by Tristan Hayes. The artwork for Dummies with
Dice, created by Al Sorensen, can be found on
Instagram under A -R -C -S -I -0. The theme song
is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera. When it
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