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Okay. Dear warning, use of violence, profanity,
rude humor, and the portrayal of drug and alcohol
use. I did much better. Um, don't know about
that. Welcome to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons
& Dragons podcast. No, don't say it! That follows
three not -so -average dummies of our world again.
Stuck in a magical storm, transported to... He
said the inside. World of Dungeons & Dragons
and bullshit, and blah, blah, blah. Say what
it's called. What? Amsterdam. Amsterdam? Amsterdam.
Dungeons & Dragons. All right, so... Question
of the day. I lost it. All right. If you would
open up a restaurant, what would you call it?
Miss Tuna Perfect Restaurant. Do your intro.
You can do that, yeah. I don't even know what
I said. Miss Tuna Perfect Restaurant? Well, I'm
Miss Muffin. You know that because of what I
just did there. Who plays Miss Muffin? I'm played
by Kelly Lee. Oh, Kelly Lee. But I'm also Crazy
Cat Lady Rogan. I'm level nine now. Yeah, we
are. You are. I'm not. I'm still max level. You
also can't forget I'm also a half elf. I have
purple and green hair. I miss my cat. What are
you calling yourself? Or what are you calling
your restaurant? Miss Perfect Tuna Shop. Miss
Perfect Tuna Shop. Okay. I don't know what I
said. Hey, that's perfect. That's fine. Tuna
Perfect Tuna Shop. I have lots of cats to feed.
Hey, Nate here. My character's Duke Crystal.
He's the drug -addicted level nine barbarian
of the group. Well, barbarian warlock, I guess.
Big sexy warlock now. And I'd say Duke's restaurant
would probably be Rampaging Ramen. Oh, yeah.
Come back to the anime. He puts hot sausage ramen.
Rampaging Ramen. A man in these states will have
to blow your brains out. Yeah, it's demonic,
please. The hot ramen will actually... We've
got lawsuits. I can see it coming. I can see
it coming. It's gonna happen. Hey, everybody.
Ryan Tucker here at Place Please Stick Sock Jelly.
I am the hobo trash master, level 9 Claire of
the God Rumpke. I am the MacGyver of all things
trash and garbage. What I would name my restaurant?
Yeah. Fleece sticks, restaurant, ampersand, lodge.
Fleece sticks, restaurant, ampersand, lodge.
I was thinking like peanut butter and sock jellies.
Yeah, that'd be perfect, actually. Proof that
you don't get your food from the dumpster? No,
it does. It's got to come from the dumpster.
That's what makes it good. All right. Oh, I didn't
do me. My name's Tristan Hayes, and I'm the Dummy
Master. I understand. done ampersand amsterdam
no okay so where we left off you guys were hoofing
it out of the cave temple that was flooding with
water after looting a bit and i was badass and
killed a bunch of things after i jumped across
the table did lots of backflips yeah miss buffett
was badass after she killed a lot of things and
did jump some tables and did some backflips uh
finished off her tauren stuck him a bunch with
some sneak attacks Duke took a lot of brunt damage.
We did level up. Everybody leveled up. Twice.
We're doing big moves and we're heading towards
big money. So yeah, you guys looted to Torn.
You got the magic, the second scroll. Don't bite
my dog. Sorry, I was sharpening my knives. We
got the second scroll of power that you were
needing to get back home or open the portal back
home or of sorts. So you are now outside. The
temple entrance into the woods. What would you
guys like to do? Into the woods. Check out this
scroll. Looking at it. Looking at it. I'm playing
with my wand. Looking at it. Checking out your
new wand. Okay. Miss Muffin. That's me. So, since
you're looking at this scroll, you open it up
and it's like this Harry Potter style, like the
picture kind of like animates, comes to life.
And you're seeing the image kind of drawn on
there. uh of this super beautiful woman like
just absolutely stunning most beautiful thing
you've ever seen um when you kind of look over
the scroll and you flip it onto the back of the
side there's some words kind of scribbled onto
it uh the words say true beauty can't be found
in youth but it can be found with a little light
and some wrinkles i have wrinkles that's uh that's
what you see and then you turn it if you look
back at the scroll you just see the woman kind
of just sitting there the image just kind of
it's like it's like drawn on but alive in a way
but it's just sitting there yeah magic what would
you like to do it doesn't nothing happens yet
like you're not getting like how the first scroll
you were sucked inside of it and had to do all
the crazy this you get the sense that this scroll
hasn't quite unlocked yet you might have to figure
out a little puzzle put the words and scraps
on the back sniff it sniff it up through a sniff
it yeah it smells weird Roll me a Constitution
check. Arrested. Constitution? Yeah. Roll me
a Constitution check. 18. 18? Yeah, you sniff
it, and it smells like whatever the most beautiful
smell Miss Muffin would smell. It's like you're
smelling like this. Holy tuna casserole. Cat
butthole. Cat butthole or tuna casserole. They
smell the same because they're both awful. No.
So, yeah, you get this watch, and it's just like
beautiful smell. So yeah, that's what you get
from smelling it. Good job. Alright. I don't
know what to do with it. Well, you've got some
alluring words on the back that seem to be a
riddle puzzle of sorts. Yeah, same again. Just
shine some wrinkles. Are you going to call all
of your pals? Um, yeah. I'm just yelling, it
smells like cat ass. He's over there going, check
out his new wand. No! Don't do that. I made a
lot of shit run away. All right, guys. Look at
my scroll. You're just seeing flashes of cones
of light. Wait, wait, wait. You're just hearing
squirrels and deers. Wait, wait, wait. This is
what it looks like. Oh, my dear Jesus. I skip
over, and I'm like, Felistic, I've got a girlfriend
for you. Flip the scroll around. Oh, yeah. All
right. So, Duke, are you coming to look at this
scroll? Please stay clicking at it. What did
the scroll say again? On the back it says, True
beauty can't be found in youth, but it can be
found with a little light and some wrinkles.
So maybe... Do I need to fold this thing up and
shine a light on it? You can try it if you'd
like. Yeah, let's do that. Okay. So, yeah, I
mean... uh there's like probably braziers like
lit outside the temple so you just kind of wrinkle
it up and like make like the picture all filled
up so you do that and you see this out the scroll
just illuminate quick and bright and then i guess
duke from where you're shooting your wand into
the trees you just see flea stick and messed
up and go and get sucked right inside the scroll
so you can obviously join if you'd like but you
don't yeah You just walk up and you just see
like a wrinkled scroll looking at the ground.
But if you can come up and look at it. I'm going
to go pick up the scroll. Yeah, so you pick it
up, you like hold it up and it's still wrinkled
and you get the light behind it. I pull it tight.
You pull it tight? Yeah, I pull it tight. Okay.
Does it do anything? No, it just goes back to
the beautiful image. I roll it up. We're on all
the way up? Yes. You bitch. No vibrations, no
nothing? I mean, we don't know. No, no, they
don't know anything. They're in like a whole
other space of reality. Yeah, tell us what's
happening. I'm going to look around town for
a minute. Tell us what's happening. What's happening?
I pretty much know how it works. I kind of saw
it. Please don't do that. What's happening? We're
going to go inside the scroll then. Why? All
right, so. What the fuck did I do here? You know
I roll. I roll. One man show. Okay, so as you
drop into this, sucked into the scroll, you both
kind of land in the same white void that was
in the first one. So you're just seeing endless
nothing. I remember very well. You see the image
of the, once you wrinkled up the picture and
put the light to it, you see this wrinkled woman.
Kind of just, you know, far off in the distance
and she's slowly getting closer and closer until
the image is like floating in front of you. It's
just this drawing. Is she wet? Is she from a
bathtub? No, she's not wet or from a bathtub.
Okay, we're good. It looks like a drawing. It's
just getting closer like the drawing is. Is she
still beautiful? She gets up close to you and...
Well, I don't know. What do you think beauty
is? Can it be found in youth? Or is it found
in wrinkles? It doesn't matter if she has wrinkles.
I just want to know if she's creepy. Yeah, you
can't really tell. It's just a drawing now. It's
just kind of like this drawing of this wrinkled
little lady. Okay, okay. What does she say? What
does she say? Okay. She approaches and you hear
this voice kind of boom out over the thing. And
she goes, Oh, I see someone has found my scrolls.
Yes. What do you do? Yes? Yes. She goes, Oh,
okay. So. So my name is Minerva. I'm assuming
if you found this scroll, you found the first
scroll, correct? Yes. Yes. What is your name?
Moosh Muffin. Moosh Muffin. Okay, nice to meet
you, Moosh Muffin. I am Minerva. What is your
name, friend? Please stick. Please stick? Please
stick. Oh, okay, yes, yes, very good. So, yeah,
if you found this scroll, you found the first
scroll, you know that something to do with some
planar magic. You're wanting to use some realm
jumping. You're wanting to do some teleporting,
some real crazy shit. Yeah, get back to home
shit. I'm what they call a planar witch. Yeah,
I dabbled in a lot of planar I was doing all
kinds of teleportations. But these bastards,
they attacked me in my home. I don't know who
they are exactly, but... Hooligans. Hooligans.
God, hooligans. You're damn right. But they attacked
me, took me, and they tried to drain me of my
powers. So I implanted the last of my planar
magic into these scrolls. All of them? All of
them, baby. All of them. But the last two I have
hidden. Why? I need to find them. Because they're
powerful. I need you to come get me, save me,
so we can get to the last two scrolls and I'll
help you and your flea stick and moosh muffin.
I'll help you guys. Well, where is you? I'm about
to tell you that. I'll give you the coordinates
to my home and they'll be inscribed upon the
letter. He has better memories. Okay. She gives
you the coordinates to the home. His childhood
memories are far better. So you get there, find
clues, figure out how they took me, because I
can't really do anything. This is kind of just
like a magical bond with the scroll to speak
to who finds it. So yeah, come find me. Thanks,
guys. And then she just kind of disappears. And
Duke Crystal, as you're walking with the scroll,
you just feel it forcefully open in your hand
and just spit them out of the scroll, because
this one's not a fighter. Yeah, so there you
go. You've got the coordinates to Minerva's home.
And we came out triple times beautifully. No,
in the mud. Yeah, in the mud. You fell in the
mud. There's mud on your face. Gracefully. Gracefully.
Mud mask is fine. I did one of those superhero
poses. Roll me a dexterity save. 18. Yeah, you
do a superhero pose. Good job. You landed out
of it. Not me. I flopped. Yeah, you really flopped.
Miss Muffin flopped right into the ground. Okay,
so. Bada -bop -bam! You got some information.
You know that Minerva was captured. She's a planar
witch. Used to teleport to realms. Her magic's
gone, but she implanted the last of her magic
and viewed it into these scrolls for some last...
You know, puff them up if you need some last
-bit magic. So, you guys need to make your way
to her home or do what you want. If you want
to go back to Ironspine to do some rest up and
some talks or whatever you want to do. You know,
good... resting shit. I don't know. Whatever
you want to do. I'm inspired to get people to
help us. Tell our people they have to help us.
I'm down to go for a long rest. Okay. So, make
me make me a survival check. All of you. All
of y 'all? All of you. To group one. All together.
So, over half have to succeed. Eleven. Fifteen.
12. Okay, that's good enough because you guys
have been kind of moving around this area for
a good while now. Yeah, we know what's up. We're
smart. Yeah, well, yeah. So yeah, you guys start
moving through and you're making your way through
the trees and through the woods and through some
little trails and shit and you make your way
back upon Iron Spine Keep. You come back and
you see the whole fortress kind of still there.
You see your guards up top with arrows. You see
them with magic and you hear one yell out. He's
like, open it up! and uh you guys are able to
enter the iron spine key um who was the chick
corley corley was her name i was gonna say is
it caroline corley yeah corley was the one that
was kind of running the place for you guys so
corley you see her she comes up and she's like
looking tired like she is exhausted because she's
just been fucking running around and she goes
oh my god You guys? You're back? Holy shit. I
have something to tell you. Yes? You know your
green friend? Globogul? Yeah. So, you guys, you
know, he stays here to kind of protect and defend.
He took that job extremely serious. I'm actually
saying this. You hear from, like, a distance.
You hear Globogul's voice, and he's like, Whoa,
do I hear my bros? Do I hear my bros? And he
comes running around the corner, but, like, instead
of the normal square, like, globogul, you see,
like, a thinner. Like, he's, like, toned. He's,
like, got this, like, thick figure to his body.
He's sculpted. So he comes around the corner.
He goes, I have been working out, Duke. He almost
resembles, like, you. Like, he almost kind of
resembles, like, your shape in a way, but with
still, like... Big square, like Minecraft shoulders.
Nice. Like, you know, he's got like the blockiness.
But yeah, he's working out. He's been taking
the job very seriously. He's got to have a cubic
shape a little bit. So Corley's like, yeah, there's,
yeah, Glabagool's, he's taking shapes. He's Minecraft.
But he's taking his job very seriously. So he
kills everything that comes near this fortress.
Everything. He's given us animals, but most of
them are covered in his goo, which is not edible.
We need to scrape that off. No, no, no. It just
melted away, mostly. It just kind of is gone
by the time he spits it out. But he's trying,
so I appreciate that. So we love having him here.
But just wanted you to be aware of his transformation.
I'll talk to him. I'll talk to him. So, yeah,
Galapagos kind of walks out. He goes, what do
you think, dude? What do you think, bro? I think
you look fucking great. Yeah, I fucking look
great. And you see him like... just like jam
a little bit harder you see like a little bowl
just kind of pops up he goes see that i'm growing
a dick you're right duke does wear pants yeah
you should too i'll work on that find you a girl
yes if only there was a girl glob of ghoul if
only there was a female intelligent Can't you
just make the Glabba Glabba Glabba Glabba? I
might be able to make one. Glabba's cube like
me. Yes. Glabba girl. Glabba girl. Yeah. I have
a sailage. You don't like my cat cows? He goes,
you know what, dude? That's a good idea. And
he just starts, like, squishing away and, like,
moving quickly and goes through the gates of
the front gate and, like, disappears into the
woods. He's got a quest. He's fun. He does. He
probably likes to go on his own quest. Now, I
tell everyone, hunt now. Yeah, now's your chance.
So, clearly, yeah, here's that. She's like, you're
right. Okay, hunt. Everyone, hunt. You see, like,
soldiers just, like, instantly start running.
They're like, oh, fuck. They're grabbing bows.
I meant to tell him before he left that, like,
when he was hunting, to just try to melt their
head yeah and leave the body carry them yeah
that way they can come they can come pick up
the body and he just tell him about it next time
maybe when he comes back he's on a quest so yes
you got an idea yeah tell him i said that if
you know if he comes back yeah of course a couple
weeks from now of course i'm just glad we can
have a moment to breathe uh yes so yeah uh you
guys what are you guys doing you guys have you
we have a quest you have a quest what's your
quest Well, flea stick has information. Flea
stick, what's your information? This witch lady.
Scrolls. Oh, you got one of your other scrolls?
Yep, exactly. Okay, well, that's great. I mean,
that's great for you guys. So what's next? Coordinates.
Coordinates. Oh, you've got the coordinates?
Yes. Okay, well, can I... Well, we'll write this
down. She's going to take them and she's going
to go study those for a bit and try to get back
with you on a better direction. Since you're
able to come back and give her... Hell yeah.
Now we go to the kitchen and we make tuna. Yeah,
so I'd say if you guys want for the night, you
can take your time to do what you want for the
night before you begin your long rest. I've got
to go find an old girl. Old girl? The one we
were just talking to. Okay, yeah. I ask her how
our coffers are looking. Her coffers? Our coffers.
Is that what a coffer is? It's a bank. It's pretty
much our accounts. She goes, so after the fancy
little circus magic traders left, word did spread,
so we have gained a little bit, but we don't
have much to sell. We don't have much economy
going here. People still need paid. There's 500
gold. For upgrades and payments. Oh, okay. Hell
yeah. That'll work. That'll be great. I'm pretty
sure... Yeah, I'll keep holding on to this and
I will make some phone... Well, fuck. I about
said phone calls. I'll make some... What the
fuck do they do? Send some letters. Owl message.
I'll send an owl message. Or I'll send a letter
of owl message. A courier message. A courier.
There's the word I'm looking for. I will send
a courier to fetch some people and see what we
can get back with us. What's wrong with using
pigeons? Maybe it's a pigeon courier. Courier
pigeon. Miss Muffin, you're not here. What are
you doing listening from the shadows? I came
to give you also money. Oh, you did? How much
money do you have? Probably more than me. I'm
not always paying. My question is more so how
much you going to need? Well, I mean, I'll take
as much as... That's not how generosity works.
I'll take as much as anyone can spare, really.
That's not how generosity works. You don't have
the set price that you need. If you're saying
you want to have a... The more, the merrier.
So, if you're wanting to have a upgrade to our
facilities, like you want to build on a new room
to build something new, it's going to probably
cost you around $5 ,500, $2 ,000. I don't care
about no building rooms. She's broke. She's broke.
What do you mean? She's worried about how much
she gets paid. Well, I was eavesdropping and
I heard, did Crystal say we pay people around
here? So, is $500 enough to pay everybody? I
think Duke gave her money to kind of... To, like,
take care of upkeep and to keep the guards paid
so they don't quit and leave. So, it's more like
a... Well, and if there's some extra for upgrades,
I mean, we could make the place a little nicer
and more appealing. But if Bobagul's going to
kill any nearby traveler wanting to do trade,
then... There's really no point in doing too
many upgrades for appearance. So if you're wanting
to just donate money for the payment of guards,
you can as much as you want. Which, I'll actually
tell you, I said only kill travelers who are
aggressive. Hostile? Yes. If they unsheath their
weapon. We'll tell them that you said that, because
that's the thing that gets them to listen, is
when we tell them that you said it. Sometimes
we don't like to say that you didn't say it if
you did say it, or if you didn't say it, because...
We don't want to be lying to him and then him
kill us all. And tell him I said that honorable
heroes are always the most shredded. That will
probably do well. It'll suck for all of us because
he's very loud. But, well, it's great. We'll
appreciate it longer. You want loud and alive
or quiet and dead? There you go. True. Yes. I
figured my shit out. I really want to know if
you just run the kitchen or you make sure all
the food's all stocked up. Yeah, we try to hunt.
How much would it cost to have a kitchen upgrade?
That's what she says. That's about $1 ,000 for
a kitchen upgrade. $1 ,000 gold or silver? I'll
give you $1 ,000 for a kitchen upgrade. Really?
Okay. Sure. Since she's only going to spend money
on shit she likes, I guess. Everyone needs money.
to eat around here. All of our workers. I don't
care about upgrading. Tell me what you want and
I will express how good. I've been trying. Do
it. I just wanted to give you money so we don't
get low on food. You can send people out to get
food. You can make sure the kitchen's running.
Make sure everything's going swell. So you don't
need money for just general keeping the kitchen
running. Pay a chef. Here's a thousand dollars.
Thank you. I'll take a thousand. Why that is
so generous. I'm sure the most basic recipes
we know from the real world are far better than
any chef's recipes in those days. Like a grilled
cheese would probably knock their fucking socks
off. A grilled cheese indeed. Do you give it
to a fucking elf? Just finding butter to put
on the bread. That's what I'm thinking. Like,
if our kitchen gets bare and we have all these
people and Gobblegull's been killing all this
shit. Well, then maybe you should spend some
time teaching them modern cooking. It could be
basic shit. I literally just gave her money to
get us a chef and food. Okay, that's fine. That
chef's going to know how to make fucking stew.
I will say, with $1 ,000, you can get a chef
that will be able to cook and not... So poorly
will not be as exhausted as well. So he will
make porridge. 1 ,475 copper pieces. I don't
know what that translates to, but I melt that
shit. I will take it. That's what you're giving.
Oh, that is a, yeah, that is some money. That's
like, that's like 200, not even, that's like
50 gold. Hey, it's your Dummy Master, Tristan,
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code for a 10 % off. Dummies with Dice is the
discount code. Thank you, W Energy. Okay, so
you guys, Ms. Muffin gave... Give me electric.
Give me electric. Ms. Muffin gave 1 ,000 gold
to hire a chef and kind of get some general chefery
going. The dude gave 500 gold to pay off the
guards and just do some general upkeep. Felicity
gave 1 ,400 copper pieces, which resulted in
what? 10? 10 gold pieces. 10 gold pieces. Hell
yeah. To help with the bunch. Thank you, Felicity.
But that's fine. So anything else you guys want
to do after you're done with the Corley? Don't
we need a long rest before we go on? Maybe put
some morale under the guards, walk around, you
know, chest out. Give me a charisma check. Shit.
Walk around like Johnny Rama. Advantage because
I'm like legendary? Yeah, actually with advantage
because you are a non -legendary leader around
here. Thank goodness because that was a bad roll.
I'll take the performance. It might be performance
if you have anything. 19. Okay, 19. Yeah, that's
good enough chest puffing. Walk around. You see
some guards, they're kind of like, I'm so tired
and hungry. That green guy is gone. I can finally
breathe and not listen to him pumping iron all
the time. And I see you walk by and you're just
like, oh, there's... Giving them head nods. Yeah,
oh my God, he nodded at me. That's Duke Crystal.
And they stand up a little straighter and you
feel they get a little brighter. So yeah, good
job. It's payday today. It's like Spongebob stage.
Spongebob goes out and they're all like, oh yeah,
woohoo. Then Ms. Muffin comes around and they're
like, what the? They're like, who the fuck is
that? This bitch ate all the good food. Why is
she hiding in the shadows? Every time she shows
up, she eats all the good food. Why is she just
following Duke around in the dark, waiting for
him to have conversations with people? What is
wrong with her? I don't trust him. I mean. I
mean. It's picture like knocking shit over to
like not stealthy at all. No, I'm still she's
got a visibility clip Okay, so yeah, that's that's
good use Anything else keep her going? Starting
to get a little bit darker getting it she it
she killed hand Slay something. Yeah Okay, so
okay, I'll say Um, with... No. I can see anything.
I can see in the dark. He's got devil sight.
I can fly if I want to. With the new level up,
he's got devil sight. What are you, level three
warlock now? Is that what it is? Yeah. So, as
the night's coming to an end, and the sun has
gone down, you guys are in the kitchen area after
hiring... No, no, no, no. As the night's coming
to an end, and the sun goes down. Which one is
it? You're ending. Miss Muffin's freaking out.
Wait, does that say night comes to an end? As
day comes to an end and the sun goes down. You
guys are kind of galloping in the kitchen, doing
your nightly munching and eating and whatnot.
Standing in corners, hiding, whatever you're
doing. You're standing there. Roll me a... Where
are you guys standing? How are you guys positioned
in the kitchen? Doing a cake stand. You're doing
a cake stand? So you're upside down? I need to
get to the counter. Okay, so like on the bar
of the counter, like there's a K, right there
next to the bar. That's a big one on the ground.
That's what I was going to say. It's on the ground.
It's going to be upside down. Where are you at,
Felicity? You holding his legs? Yeah, supporting.
So yeah, where are you at? Laying across the
bar, watching. Okay, so you guys are all across
the bar of this building, and you see like this
fissure just kind of like kind of sparking in
the middle of the room, and you see a hand come
out. And you see another hand come out. And you
just see the... I don't remember what she was
called or what we called her. The genie woman.
The genie woman. She kind of, like, pops out.
You remember you asked her for two weapons and,
I think, to bring back your cat? Yeah. So, you
see this... No. You see this woman flop out of
this portal and she is... Badly damaged like
her like bleeding but barely it's her healing
I'm gonna heal her with a spell. Oh, yeah. Hell.
Yeah Your wounds or something? Yeah, okay. Yeah,
which one are you what are you doing spell so
ice? Level wise I mean for the healing I'd be
selfless you'll region Yeah, that'd save her
from anything. Yeah, it would, definitely. What
is it? Regen scroll. The one that'll save an
arm if you lose one. She flops out of here while
you guys are deciding. She's a genie. She's curled
up. You see that she's holding things in her
arms. She's grasping shit in between her, holding
it to her chest, but she's curled up laying on
top of it. What do you do as you guys all see
this happen? Well, he's going to cure her, and
I'm going to help her. I'm just holding her and
getting the shit out of her arms. Is my cat there?
That shit ain't meowing. So, you kind of come
down and check on her, Ms. Muffin, since you
are able to reach up and grab her and stuff.
You roll her over, and you see a sword in her
hand and this little statue in her hand. I love
you. What? You see Hazel's paw in her hand. Like,
just the paw. Like, holding in her hand. And
you roll her over, and she said, I'm sorry. They
are insane. They're so powerful. You see, I got
a hold of her, and the next thing I know, the
portal's opening, and I'm being kicked through
it, and her arm's with me, and... Now her paw's
with me and her body's not, so I don't know.
We have to go back. I don't know what. We have
to go back and get her. You got a piece of her?
Three legs. She still has three legs. If you're
lucky, it's a dimensional cut. She kind of just
goes limp and drops their arms over and the paw
falls. Cure her. Make her feel better. Hopefully
dimensional cuts don't bleed. Maybe. Or they
bleed really badly. Are you going to heal her?
I don't know. Yeah, with a second level prayer
of healing. I think that heals everybody. Yeah,
it does. Good! She's holding my cat's ball. It'll
heal my cat, too. Poor thing. The cat regenerates
from the ball. That would be insane. I figured
the other way around. Well, it touched the ball.
So it would copy. I'd say you make an armor.
Give me a hundred regent scrolls and I'm just
going to start cutting fingers off. Regrowing
people. You're like my one -fingered army. Alright,
so, Cure Wounds. It's like they're almost as
one -fingered. Yeah. Second. Second? It'd be
like Assassin's Creed. See if it's enough to
actually bring her from the brink of death. That's
what Assassin's Creed was doing. 1d8 plus your
spellcasting. So, 1d8 plus your wisdom. And then
it says regain 2d8 plus 9 hit points. So you
would get that plus, so it would be 2, whatever,
the 2d8 plus 5. Alright, roll that for me. My
cash. As you press your dirty, stinky, rucky
hands. Roll up. I'm keeping the ball. 7, so 8
plus 5, so 13. 13? Okay, so you lay your, oh,
more? Don't I get to roll for my own health?
Oh yeah, I think you get some back. I think it's
like 2 plus your... 2d8 plus 9. Lifesteal! So
you lay your stinky, rumpke trash hands on her
body and the magic starts to flow out of you
and around her. Her wounds just kind of slowly
come back together. Some of them. She's still
very badly damaged. But if you remove your hands,
you still see the imprints of rumpke's trash
handprint on her body and you fade back and she
kind of starts breathing a little easier and
goes unconscious, but Yeah wonder if my demon
blood has healing properties She is not dying
she's okay. She's just I'm just gonna need some
time. Yes, you don't need a little bit But she
did drop a sword and a odd -looking statue looks
like and the captain paul so let me tell you
there's a statue seems like a cleric you got
a paul i put it on like a necklace it'll bring
you luck um what is it i won't eat it i promise
i don't like cat paul okay so as you guys kind
of inspect these these weapons uh The sword is
the flame tongue. Oh, it's not a sword. Fuck.
I was wrong. Sorry. It's a flame tongue battle
axe. So, two -handed battle axe. Oops. I have
to find this thing now. I thought I had it on
my notes right here. Did you say woo tongue?
Flame tongue. Flame tongue? Yes. Not a guy that's
immune to fire. Act slash and burn. Statue. Put
it in your bunghole and you turn into a deity.
And you turn into the beast. Transformation.
So yeah, you find the Flametongue Battleaxe.
And the other one that, as you get closer and
look at it, it's a statue of a tower. It's like
this little mini fortress. It's got big gargoyle
-like bird -looking statue things on top. Big
rounded door entrance on it, but it's all just
like this little statue. So you don't really
know what that does until you use it. What's
that about? It's a key. Pee on it. Don't. Make
it rain on the building. Is it made of stone?
Imagine if it's like a pack -up fortress that
you could just put down like a tent and stay
in it for the night. That would be dope. Uh,
it's like, uh... A legendary magic item. Don't
I have stone, Cunny? It's just a model piece.
Collector's item. I thought I could get history
from stones or something. Oh, no. Maybe. I thought
it was only, like, stone dwarves or mountain
dwarves. It looks like a kind of, like, a type
of metal... It's adamantine. Which is, like,
the most strongest... metal known to D &D world,
I'm pretty sure. You can pee on it, nothing will
happen. So I'm rich now. Pee on it, poop on it.
What do you want to do? You don't really know
what it does, but you know that there is some
kind of special power to this motherfucker that
you can use. You're welcome to test it out. Just
don't pee on it or poop on it. Don't actually
do that. Try some stuff out. You can. Don't put
it in your butt. I'm assuming you're taking the
Flametongue Battleaxe. You're taking the statue.
She's taking the cat paw. This thing is called...
It's my cat. It's her paw. And you're taking
the paw. It might give you good luck. It's like
a rabbit, but it's a cat paw. Miss Muffin. Agility.
Hey, it might. It's a cat paw. So, Miss Muffin,
as you put a necklace, so you put this paw around
your neck, and you feel this magic kind of just
this primal meow through your body, and Salish
pops up and she goes, oh, that's your cat's paw,
isn't it? Yes. That thing's got power in it.
Your cat's. Is your cat magic? She's a beautiful
thing. Your cat might be something special. We
might have to figure this out. Okay, so this
is going to make it where you're immune to being
prone and you're immune to being surprised. So
since you've got this cat fur on, you can't be
knocked down. You can't be knocked down because
you're a cat. You always land on your feet. And
you can't be surprised. Like someone sneaks up
and attacks you. How do I add it? I already added
it. Okay. Okay. Added it secretly. She gets decreased
bowling damage. So, yeah, now you can't, like,
if they throw you, you're not going to be laying
on the ground. Once you got spit out the scroll,
she would land on our feet. Yeah. I land on my
feet. I'm a cat. Yeah. And if someone sneak attacks
you, it won't matter. Like, you can't be surprised.
You're like, meow. You're ready. Meow. So, yeah.
Spidey sins. And then, please take, you got your
statue. So, you're welcome to test that out how
you like. Do what you want with it. That's what
happens. You guys are ready for a long rest.
As they kind of, you see Corley. I can't rest.
Corley and some guards take off the genie lady
and get her somewhere to get bandaged up and
healed up and rest. Is there a sleep potion?
I'm sure they can. I'm sure the kitchen can work
up something. We'll see. Roll. Roll what? To
see what they do and to see how good you handle
it. Roll what? I rolled an 18. Plus what? Okay,
they rolled very poorly on their cooking skills
of making sleeping medicine. But you rolled good
enough to where it's not going to fuck you up.
So it doesn't work. You don't go to sleep. You're
not poisoned either. They make food. They're
not alchemists or chemists. What's a long rest
when you can't sleep because you're depressed?
I don't know. You're going to have to find a
way or you're going to get in your heels and
breathe sand. No, I'm good. One quick punch to
the forehead. Maybe not one. Maybe 17 quick punches
to the forehead. Yes. Okay. So what are you guys
doing for the rest of the night? I'd like to
look at my fucking axe. I have not been told
anything about it. Is that what it does? Yeah.
Or is it flame tongue? The flame tongue battle
axe. Dual wielder. It makes your tongue catch
on fire. Or it just makes you cuss a lot. It
makes you say really heated things. I don't have
the space for the whole thing. It's just flamed
up. You can use a bonus action to speak this
magic sword's command word, causing flames to
erupt from the blade. It's an axe. These flames
shed a bright light in a 40 -foot radius and
dim light for an additional 40 feet. While the
sword is a blaze, it deals an extra 2d6 fire
damage to any target it hits. The flame lasts
until you use a bonus action to speak the command
word again or until you sheath it. It is a battle
axe. Yes. So I don't know. You have to look at
the damage. I don't know what it is. So it's
an emerald fury. Fuck. But it does a lot more
than a fury emerald. I think it does a lot more
than a fury. Is it an actual thing or is it made
up? Oh, it's Flametongue. It's real. It just
has every different type of weapon version, really.
It sounds like a wand, then. Like Flametongue.
Okay, um... That's you. Flea Stick, are you...
What are you doing for the night? You done? You
going to bed? Yeah, I'm resting. Okay. Everyone
else going to try to bed? I ate too much bread.
I'm so drunk. Roll stealth check with advantage.
With advantage. 17 plus 12. You're very hidden
wherever you are. No one knows where I'm at crying.
Oh my god. And I'm the quietest crier ever to
be known. So yeah, as you guys kind of lay down
and get yourself ready for bed, Flea Stick, you
hear the voice of your god. Rob King, he goes,
Flea Stick! I see that you got us some new followers.
The ones inside your village here. You just see
him like a symbol of him inside of the room.
And he goes, I see you made some followers. That's
pretty cool, pretty cool. And he sits down on
the counter with a shelf there. He just stinks
it up, sits down on it. He goes, so I heard in
your head when you talked about me about wanting
to consult me, what do you want to consult me
about? Uh, we found this deity statue and I want
to know what's going on with it. Oh, toss it
here. It goes through and hits the wall. So he
turns around and he looks down at it and he goes,
sorry, I forgot. I was not really here. He turns
around and looks at it and he goes, oh, please
stay. This here is... We forgot the name, so
hang on. This is Darren's instant fortress, my
guy. If you place this on the ground... speak
its command word make it summon it is a portable
tower my guy 20 feet probably 20 feet 30 feet
high maybe even but yeah you dude you got a portable
tower fortress little thing here that's crazy
where'd you get that a friend a friend huh well
that's awesome um my gypsy friend yeah so yeah
you um you marked her Yes, I did. Yeah, she's
uh, she's fucking powerful. So I'm not gonna
let that one die. I'm gonna take care of her
If she disappears, just tell them it's fine.
It's okay. Okay, you know what I mean? Just tell
them it's fine So yeah, I'll check you later.
Please take good luck with your fortress and
he just kind of like snaps out It's a little
stink cloud. That's good. It kind of pops up
So yeah, everybody can take their long rests
You know what your fortress thing does it'll
just instantly create it'll go. I know exactly
how I'm gonna kill a boss now Yeah, but you guys
distract them. I'm just gonna shove it up his
ass and when it expands, but I don't know Yeah,
give him the ant man Thanos treatment. Yeah,
exactly. What was the commanding word? I don't
know what they mean when they say that so I just
always give us Usually make up a command word
so oh I just It says Dungeons and Dragons, but
we do what we want. Dungeons ain't for saying
dragons. What I said was funnier. Like, Dukes
is these nuts for something. Oh yeah, I remember
that. That is my new packed weapon. What is it?
Your one, it's like a command word. Oh, for my
spear, I think? Tees nuts? Tees nuts? Yeah, for
my lightning javelin? Yeah, because you have
to use the command word to start it. Yeah. I'll
think of a cool one. It's probably a heart. Or
was it the ring? One of them. Something you use
it for. Dumpster juice. I think it was the ring.
The lightning bolt ring. Dump city. Dump city.
I need a new command word for the eggs. Probably
be ignite. Something simple. Flame on. Flame
on. Yeah. Yeah. Or burn. Or. Roar or something.
Burn baby burn. Ghost rider. Disco burn. Okay,
so yeah, you guys take your long rest. All right,
so yeah, you take your long rest. You awaken
to the happy morale, higher morale guards watching
the walls. Coralie a little rested, not having
to get up as early and cook. She's already taking
notes and stuff, and you can see her writing
letters and strapping them to pigeons. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Carry your pigeons. Very good. To
send off for some upkeep people to come in and
kind of do some room. I could one -hand that.
What? The battle axe. Really? Yes. It's versatile
for me. Oh. Huh. Well, I mean, two -handed, you
get more damage, but that's fine. Yeah, but I
can also carry, like, something else. Like a
wand. Like a wand. A spear. You know what I'm
saying? You just, like, tie the wand to the battle
axe handle. Just be like... Okay, so you're waiting.
Yeah, that thing's happening with Coralie, what
I just said. She's got... Oh, you guys, I got
your coordinates. I mapped them out for you,
and I drew up a map. So if you want a map, you
can make your way to this place. But I will tell
you, I don't know what's out there. It's, like,
weird out there. It's, like, swampy and, like...
Used to it. Used to swampy? Used to weird. Oh,
well, yeah. Used to weird. so yeah um things
i don't understand he said i've got you uh the
swamp will die yes well i mean you've you've
you've changed because you didn't kill globicle
i understand it i'm glad you do um so she says
uh we got we got you guys some backpacks uh rucksacks
uh fantasy style whatever you call those things
book bag yeah we're gonna call them yeah For
my scroll pack. We've got your rucksacks with
some food, because I'm sure you're going to be
needing it on your journey. And if you need...
That's all we've got. At this point, we've just
got food and some supplies for the journey. Why
are you talking shit about Globicals? I know
you will, dude. He's just a nice guy. He wants
love and approval. He just wants love and approval.
That's all. So, yeah. She gives you this map.
Who wants the map? I'll take them. Alright. She
gives the map to Duke Crystal. You guys ready
to go on your journey or do you want to do anything
special before you leave? I hand the map to Felicity.
I just didn't want her. Yeah, that's a good idea.
So yeah. I take the map. And it's his now because
it's Dex. It's his. It's been bonded. You have
a bond with it. You make your journey. You're
traveling through the woods and it's starting
to get like darker and gloomier and gloomier
and weirder Swampier and darker darker and also
pretty much gloomier So yeah, but I can well
jokes on them I want shit to see us So yeah,
you'd like your sword, but all you're seeing
is like this Oh, I can see. Yeah, you see everything.
I want the creature to see me walking with the
light in the darkness. Well, potential creatures.
I don't want them to miss us. I want them to
see me. Pussies. You come up ahead, but you're
seeing this light just beaming down ahead. A
big circle onto this little tree -infested building.
Interesting. I'm going to open up. So what do
you do as you see this? Yeah, it's a treehouse.
A ground treehouse. A treehouse! That's what
I do. A treehouse? It's a house. It's just a
tree. Ground houses are just houses. With trees.
Is it a tree growing through a house, or is it
a tree in... It's a house with a tree growing.
Through it. Over it. Like every other fucking
house. So the house ain't built around it. It
has a tree next to it. We need more specifics.
Let's talk about it for an hour. It's like a
magic witchy tree house. A house with a tree.
I kicked the fucking door in. I kicked the fucking
door in. Does it have a door I can kick in? Yes,
it has a door. You kicked the door in. Fuck.
And there's no witches in the house. That's why
I squished the bitch when I kicked the door in.
This is her home. She told you. She told you.
She was like, I thought I heard something. No,
this is her home. She told you to go get it.
clues about to figure out where she's at. Yeah,
no one's here. No one's here. She's captured.
Fuck, was her door kicked in? Yeah, you go to
kick in the door and the door's already kicked
in. Well, fuck. You gave me hiccups. I'm mad
now. So yeah, you're mad you didn't kick the
door in. Someone got to it before me. Yeah, so
you go inside and you're seeing this very witchy
ass house. There's a big corner cabinet. I have
the map open too. I forgot. Corner cabinet kitchen
with a just random supplies and ingredients and
shit. Table with multiple chairs. You're seeing
trophies. Yeah, you're seeing trophies on the
wall, like animal heads and shit. That's what
you see as you walk into the front main room.
I started looking. I mean, looking. I mean, looking.
That's a fucking title right there. So, Oh, my
hiccups hurt. It's a witch's spell. Who cares?
Okay, so as you walk into this main opening room
here, you're looking... Give me a perception
check as you're looking. I'm looking. Eleven.
Roll with advantage. That's a nineteen. Are you
all looking? Can I roll with advantage? All right,
yeah, everybody looking. Can I roll with advantage?
No. 15 plus 5, 20. Oh, are you spending a luck
die? Yeah. Yes, because Miss Muffin's got a new
feat. Lucky. I was going to say, he can't tell
me no. Okay, yeah. Roll advantage. Oh, not 20.
Oh, suck it. Tell me what I see. Tell me. Tell
me. You see... You see... Guys, I'm stuck at
this. North, east, west. Just remember we. At
the west end of the room when you walk in, you
see this big red cross. Just stuck to the wall.
You can definitely tell that this thing has got
some sneaky bitch going to work on it. With a
nat 20, you're able to see that this thing is
sneaky. It's got something going on. What do
you want to do? Sniff it. She's got a fucking
thing, man. She wants to smell that cat butthole.
Okay. What? As you get close to this thing, you
put your face right up to this thing that I said
has got some sneaky bits going on with it. You
get close to it, you hear this little hiss, and
this needle sticks you right in the forehead.
You just had to do that, huh? You just had to
do that. You don't stick your face next to four
objects. Roll with advantage. No. No, you have
to stab him in the fucking face. I think you're
supposed to use it before, but I'll let you use
it this time. Oh, okay. Well, 19 plus 3. Okay.
Still have to stab him in the face. I have a
lot of luck points left. You can't stop me. Okay,
yeah, you kind of pull back out of this thing
and it you feel it it tried to Suck out your
blood, but you pulled back before it could actually
take your blood out Yeah, there you go. Anything
else you'd like to do with that thing? Uh, not
sniff it again. Not gonna do that. I wonder what
it would do with my blood. Go ahead, Duke. What's
it look like? It's just a red cross, like, on
the wall. Like, think, like... Oh, I think I'll
catch fire. Like, medical. It sucks my blood.
Like, medical, like, red cross. Let's take my
arm out front of it. Okay, yeah. Yeah. You hear
the same hiss come out. Makes me a Constitution
Savior. 13. 13? Yeah. You do not pass. So...
What was the advantage? I can give him a luck
point as well. So I need to roll a deep floor.
I'm curious what it's going to do. I'm tough
on it. You're going to take minus one to your
constitution. Minus one to my constitution? Until
you can take it. But what's it do to him? Nothing?
It takes his blood. It sucks his blood out of
him. And you just see the thing kind of like
fade back normal. Okay, I go back to looking.
I did roll a 19 on that perception for looking
around. I can re -roll if you'd like. So in this
room, that's about all the interesting stuff
you see. It's kind of just like witchy shit everywhere
else. Ingredients and stuff. I thought it might
pay me back with something. It's just a greedy
bitch's thing, I guess. What the fuck's the point?
Well, it's just like a little statue on the wall.
Just to feed it? Keep it pumping? Thumping? Pulsating?
She does some weird shit with that thing. It's
up to you guys what you want to do with it. You've
got it stuck to the wall if you're able to. Well,
if it's going to keep grabbing my con, I ain't
going to fucking touch it. All right. So what
would you like to do then? Travel throughout
the house? Yes. Start some more rooms? Okay,
so you guys are going to move east through the
house to the next open door? I suppose. So as
you open through this next room, it kind of looks
like a little bathtub wash basket thing. I'm
trying to figure out where the actual fucking
door is. Oh, I forgot to map. Look at my map.
Map, map, map. Map, map, map. I'm trying to survive.
You walk east and there's a door here. Yeah,
I think they forgot to put some doors on the
map. Yeah, you walk through a door here. There's
a door. critical so yeah you walk uh through
the east and you walk through a door there's
a long hallway that heads to three look three
closed doors on the west side of the room and
a door on the north side it will say that too
because for some reason there's not a door to
that room that's what i was going to say how
do i get to that room uh which rooms are you
checking because there's three bedroom looking
like bedroom there's three rooms in the hallway
and then a door to the north i'm going to the
octagon i want to check going out towards the
north yeah the master bedroom with the biggest
bed picture well that's biggest room has a hammock
so uh please take a miss muffin you went north
we went never yeah okay so we'll do a duke real
quick duke you uh open this room and you're it's
you see just a kind of scattered beat up room
what are you gonna do loot it look at it uh perception
look at it uh 17 plus nothing so 17. 17. i'm
not very perceptive um that's not bad uh you
look around this room and it looks like this
was the room that uh minerva which is the name
of the witch She looks like this room she stays
in mostly. You're seeing letters and stuff on
the nightstands next to her. There's pages and
journal writings and everything. Some empty bottles.
So it's a fucking bust. I'm going to trash it
even more. Trash it even more. What else would
you like to do? Anything else? Are you checking
these other rooms? The middle room looks like
it's a never -been -used guest room. The very
southern room, as you enter, you see a very super
beautiful, intricate -looking mirror against
the wall with two other beds sitting across the
room. I look in the mirror. You look in it? I
just check myself out, I guess. Make me a perception
check as you're looking at this mirror checking
old Duke out 18 18 Wow So as you're looking inside
of it, you just see like the glimpse of a face
like kind of just like cross by inside the mirror
It's like kind of like Lifting back and forth
Now make me a charisma save as you're seeing
this face come flittering back and forth and
say Griffith great fail. Yes Wowza. This could
have been one of the worst times to use that.
Oh, inspiration. You got inspiration? Okay. Let's
see if we can even pass it. 11 plus 2, so 13.
Ah, you failed still. It's better than crit fail.
Yeah, okay. So, yeah. Crit fail would have been
catastrophic. It would have been catastrophic,
but it's still going to suck. So you're looking
inside this thing, and as you're trying to look
at this face that's moving around in there...
You realize that the mirror, once you look back
from it, you're inside the mirror. The mirror
has pulled you inside. When you look around,
it's like walls of mirrors and mirrors. Make
me another perception check. 19. You're looking
through these mirrors. It's just like a house
of mirrors everywhere. Then you just happen to
see a goblin or a gnome sitting on the ground
in one of the little... mirrors like it's like
a you notice that there's like a an edge to them
and he's sitting inside of one of the other mirrors
uh he's just sitting there kind of writing in
a piece of paper uh what do you do uh ask him
what is this place what why what are you inside
the did she oh that bitch did she get you to
apparently minerva apparently i got man minerva's
not there Unless this mirror just does its own
thing. She's not there? Like she's not in the
house? No. Oh, fuck. He seems like ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding. He's like beating on
the edge of the mirror. He's like, oh, that bitch.
I need to get out of here. Do you have people
with you? Yes. Oh, my God. Perfect. Do they smash
things? Yes. That's normally my job, but they
can manage it. Okay. If they're able to somehow
smash this, we can get out. Are you sure? Yeah.
That's the only way. This is a cell. This is
a prison. This isn't just a normal... She has
this mirror. It's called a mirror of trapping.
You look in it, and it's got these interdimensional
cells that they just lock you in. I was her artist.
I was here to draw her. I was going to draw her
up for a portrait that she wanted, and I got
greedy and looted her room, and she threw me
in here. So, yeah. Wait, you did what now? I
tried to loot her room. I was going to loot her
room. Did you get anything? No! I saw this pretty
mirror and thought, oh, I could make some money
off that, and I got sucked right into this bitch,
so now I'm here. I got my pen and paper. I've
just been writing. My quill. So you haven't really
tried breaking out? No, I've just been stuck.
I can't. There's no breaking out. It's interdimensional.
You beat on these motherfuckers and they don't
break. I hit it with the axe real hard. Okay,
give me an attack roll. 15 plus 9 yeah so you
hit this mirror and it just shatters the inside
mirror you hit it and then it just goes free
forms yeah another mirror just like pops right
up um so here's where we got a big old problem
we're gonna flip on back to please stick and
miss muffin and they don't know anything we just
entered the north so you're on your own here
um You guys enter this big octagon room, and
you can see this is a room she used for some
kind of teleporting, summoning magic. There's
a big circular magic area in the middle of the
room. But as soon as you step in, you feel this
wave of magic just hit you all in the chest.
And before you can even do anything, you realize
you're starting to float. You're just slowly
coming off the ground as if gravity has just
shifted in this room. Yeah, so you don't want
nobody in this room. So make me a perception
check and a dexterity save. That's the question
for old boy. Nat 20? Yep. Okay, what'd you get,
Kelly? My perception was 14 plus 5. Okay. And
a 19 plus 1. You said dexterity, right? I rolled
an eight for dexterity. Plus dexterity? Four
plus four. Okay, so with a nat 20 on your perception
flea stick, you... I'll say with the perception
that when you see the shift coming at you because
of your innate magic powers, and you're able
to grab onto something as it shifts and flips
you upside down, so you're hanging on upside
down to a thing on the wall, a rod or a candle
or something, so you're not fully just floating
upside down. And with your... Well, shit, that
kind of goes with the deck save because you also
pass your decks. Yeah. I'll give you advantage,
or you're going to have extra time to be able
to do what's coming next. That's what we'll get
out of your good roll. Miss Muffin, you failed.
Yeah. So you guys notice as you start floating
a little faster up top, you see the ceiling as
you're looking up, and you see this giant arc
start kind of like zapping and buzzing, and then
a whole wall of lightning just... Grapple myself.
And starts like... Grapple. Zapping across the
ceiling. Oh, that goes. Grapple. You grapple
what? What do you mean? I have a grapple, so
I just use it and grapple to something. You just
throw a rope at something? You have one? For
real? Yeah. A grapple hook? Yes. I have one.
Perfect. I don't want to die. You'll have to
give me some rolls to see if you can grapple
to something. Let me look just so I can show
you. That's fine. I trust you. This is where
strength's going to really hurt you. Huh? This
is where strength's going to hurt you. Yeah.
Because you have to physically untuck you. No,
not you. Well, now you're gonna have to climb
the rope. Yeah, cause you also have to try to
get it to go through a no -gravity zone. Shouldn't
be too hard. Toss it to me. It should keep its
momentum real nice, actually. Torch water. Just
give me a strength check. No, you don't even
have one. I was trying to find where I even saw
it at. I trust you have one. Give me a strength
check. Okay, give you a strength check. Yeah,
to try to throw this hook to get yourself an
advantage from the... Roll with advantage? No.
Well, then ten. Ten? Okay, no. You're not able
to get a good hook on anything. You just don't
have the oomph to throw that thing through this.
I don't want to die! Well, then you best get
ready to use your brain. It's about to get tough.
Your brawn doesn't work. So as this activates
and, you know, Flea Stick's like, whoa, upside
down, you hear this Minerva's voice and she goes,
ow, someone's coming after my bags, huh? You
want my bags? Well, then I'll tell you. If you're
able to get past my secret riddles, then you
can have my bags. And the voice like kicks out
and then you hear the... So here's riddle number
one. It's an easy one. What can fill a room but
takes up no space? Water. Air. As you get that
wrong, you feel Kelly, Miss Muffin, you start
to get a little bit closer to the ceiling. No!
You get a little, you get advantage because you
had, please take, you get good rolls on your
thing. So you don't move yet. All right. What
else, what can you do? What can fill a room but
takes up no space? It's really not air? No. What
can fill a room but takes up no space? It doesn't
fill the room. I mean, I guess that is kind of
right, isn't it? Yeah, it is. And it's not water?
No, air does take up... Just because we move
through it doesn't mean it's not taking up space.
There's gas all around us at all times. We just
don't see it. So it doesn't fill a room. Sunlight.
It does, though. It's a metaphor. Sunlight? Light.
Yes. Dude can't answer, so if even he gets it,
it's... It had to be a metaphor for something.
Ah, correct. You feel the gravity kind of hold
you in place for a moment. Thank God. Next riddle.
No. The more there is, the less you see. What
is it? The more there is. The less you see. This
one's easy. Missed up and you float a little
bit closer. You've only got a couple more wrongs
before you're going to hit your first round.
I already know the answer. Yes, the darkness.
The darkness. That's also what I said. Okay,
next up. That wouldn't work for me either. I
can see in the dark. Poor people have it. Rich
people need it. If you eat it, you die. What
is it? That one's easy, guys. It's easy. I knew
they'd be easy for you, so I'm glad. I don't
know why, but I'm... Shut up, Jim Crestillo back
there! Nerd Jam! He has the video game brain,
so it makes us do this stuff. I already forgot
what you said. Poor people have it. Rich people
need it. If you eat it, you die. I was going
to say love, but then you said if you eat it,
you die. Now I'm confused and scared. If you
eat it, you die. No, there's not a timer. You
didn't tell us we were tired. Well, you can't
go forever. You're floating in gravity. We have
to think. Our brains are slow. And you're talking
to me. Think. Poor people have it. Rich people
need it. If you eat it, you die. What is it?
You're running out of time. Money? Poor people.
You float a little bit closer to the ceiling
wall of lightning. You got probably about...
I gotta stop thinking at that. And you start
to get pulled off your ledge. Give me a strength
save to hang on to your... What's the answer?
You're not gonna get it. You're gonna get it
until you hit that fucking wall of lightning
and then you're gonna be like, ow, fuck, and
then you're gonna try to take that brain artery.
Four teeth. Alright, you're able to hang on before
the gravity yanks you off of the thing. I mean,
flea sticks hanging on. They got lucky. What
do you got? Rich people need it. If you eat it,
you die. Just let Kelly keep answering. Watch
her. He's holding it. He's going to be healing
with one hand. Is this your task? You've been
chosen. Poor people have it. Rich people need
it. If you eat it, you die. What does poor people
have that rich people need? Besides love. Love.
I already got the answer. I know it's right.
Besides love. What do poor people have? What
do poor people have? Nothing. That's the point.
Poor. Nothing. Poor people have it. Rich people
need it. You're right. That's what I said. You
accidentally did it. Good job. I came up with
that. You just needed one warning. You just needed
one warning of the sentence at a moment. It took
me like five seconds. Okay. I had it. Next up,
your final riddle. I was bashing the glass. This
one's going to be a good one. Until I am measured,
I am not known. Yet how you miss me when I have
flown. What am I? Gravity. Give me a strength
save. What? 13 plus 2. You're starting to break
loose. Your hand wiggles loose and you get a
little bit closer. You have clammy hands. Alright.
Repeat it. Until I am measured, I am not known.
Yet how you miss me when I have flown. What am
I? It's messed up. You can take a hint, but it'll
probably push you a little closer. Yes, good
job. Yeah, it's time or as you're like literally
about to like lick this lightning wall of lightning
Blasting you hear the phone 27 feet. You're like
time. It's like you just fall back to the ground.
That's me My voice doing I'm gonna roll you some
you land on your feet. You do land on your feet.
Good job. Yeah So as you land you see these two
bags like in the ceiling as a lightning disappears
and they just go Falling right next to your head
These are some rewards that you guys I know are
going to love that you guys have been hunting
for. Squirrels? No. You get a bag of holding
and a bag of magic beans. Magic beans! Put the
beans in the holding. This episode of Dummies
with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin,
Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal, Ryan Tucker as
Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan Hayes as the
DM. The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan
Hayes. The artwork for Dummies with Dice created
by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram under
A -R -C -S -I -0. The theme song is The Intense
Fiddle by Ben Caldera. When it comes to Dummies
with Dice, you can find our website on rss .com
slash podcast slash dummies with dice. and on
Facebook at Dummies with Dice. Most importantly,
join our Patreon at patreon .com slash dummieswithdice
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