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For 15 % off any purchase. Viewer warning. Use
of violence, profanity, rude humor, and the portrayal
of drug and alcohol use. Welcome to Dummies with
Dice, a Dungeons & Dragons actual play podcast
that follows three not -so -average dummies in
our world that get caught up in a magical storm
and are transported to the world of Dungeons
& Dragons where they must survive and try to
find a way back home. Um, today. The question
of the day, today, for what I'm going to ask.
Okay. If you could time travel to any period
in history, where would you go and why? Hey,
Nate here. My character's Duke Crystal. He's
the drug -addicted level seven barbarian warlock
of the group. And I'd say Duke's answer would
probably be Sodom and Gomorrah. Why would you
go there? Because that was a wild place to be.
It was full of fucking chaos and lust and murder
and thievery and everything Duke would like.
All right. Oh, yeah. Peter Piper picked a pack
of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers
did Peter Piper pick? All right. Hey, everybody.
Ryan Tucker here. I play as Flea Stick Sock Jelly.
I'm the hobo trash master. All right. God damn
it. Hey, everybody. Ryan Tucker here. I play
as Flea Stick Sock Jelly. I'm the hobo trash
master cleric of the God Rumpke. I'm the MacGyver
of all things trash and garbage. Kind of stumped
on that. That's like a big question. Well, Flea
Stick is a homeless guy that also went to war.
So what is one place that he'd want to go back
in time? To stop them fuckers from hitting the
Twin Towers. No, not like... No, don't say that!
That's a good answer. That is a good answer.
Because that's a hierarchy war. I was in Desert
Storm. I was in Desert Storm. I figured you'd
go farther back, but alright. But Desert Storm...
2001 it is. That's a shit. Hi, I'm Kelly Lee
and I play Miss Muffin. She's a crazy cat lady
rogue. Did you know cats have a long history
involving from a common ancestor in Asia around
10 to 15 million years ago? So, Miss Muffin,
you're traveling back that long ago just to watch
the evolution of cats. So you're going to go
back that long ago in Asia. Good. To watch cats
evolve. You just looked that up, didn't you?
Nope. Miss Muffin knows everything about cats.
Wrong. Fun fact. I just heard. yesterday that
they're now claiming that white people did not
exist until 1665. They're aliens, man. It's fucking...
Oh yeah, for all over the place. You're in D
&D now. Yeah. Alright, so let me see where I'm
at. I gotta go back to my notes. You can't meet
this, are you? Okay, so where we... Jesus Christ,
let me get my brain straight. Where was he on
9 -11? Jesus Christ. Where we left off, you guys
had pleased inside of the pile of... You guys
pleased the pleasure pile. Fuck me, God. Pleased
the pleasure pile. You guys did a good job inside
of the pleasure pile. The place where people
wanted to be pleased. Fuck. So yeah, you guys
did that. Miss Muffin was mostly invisible the
whole time. Ate some bugs for Duke because Duke
was going to eat some bugs for pleasing a frog
man. Flea Stick had some times with a bug bear.
Oh, my toes. It said toes are still raw. Still
socky and jelly. But where we left off, you guys
kind of, Duke accepted some rewards for completing
the pleasure pile challenges. and you guys went
to bed. So, you wake up. It's still partying,
but you can leave this place if you want. The
doors aren't still refreshed. It's not a new
stage, but you guys have just woken up. You guys
want to leave? Yes. Get the hell out of here?
Yeah. Okay. Okay, you step outside of the entrance,
which obviously now looks like a fancy doorway
and stuff, but when you step out of it, you feel
that magical barrier kind of wave through you,
and you turn around, and it's just the cave entrance
again that has the little etched -in pleasure
pile. So as you guys kind of walk out of here
and you're kind of looking over all your gear
you got and Duke, we did your spell scroll. So
what did we do? Regenerate? Regen scroll. Regeneration
scroll. Yeah, regeneration scroll. So that's
what we came up with for his scroll reward for
doing the pleasure pile. So kind of as you're
looking over your stuff, you feel inside of your
pocket an odd placed letter, like a piece of
paper. In my pocket? No. Love note. Okay, you
going to read this note? Yeah. Etched onto this
piece of paper is just a bit of directions and
coordinates. Kind of line this paper. So either
somebody fudged with your pocket while you were
sleeping or something, but there are just coordinates
on this and directions. Maybe it's a booty call.
Booty call? What do you guys think? What do you
want to do with this information? Check it out.
Did he tell us this information? Yeah, I read
it out loud. Yeah, you read it out loud in this
moment. There we go. Are you going straight for
the direction to wherever these coordinates are
that you said? Yeah. Might as well. Okay. All
right. Well, you start moving. I'm scared. You're
moving along and you're kind of, I mean, I'm
assuming Duke's kind of just like reading over
this paper and he's kind of pointing and walking.
So give me a, what does it be again? Survival,
I think, to kind of. I suppose. Let's see. 17?
Yeah, that will definitely make it. So you start
following these directions. You guys are kind
of just moving along. And as you keep approaching,
you see this... What's a temple nave? Do you
guys know what that means? A temple nave? Yeah,
I'm trying to figure out how to explain this.
So you guys are walking and you're seeing in
the ground there's this like formation and you
kind of see the top the temple nave is like a
Church top. Yeah temple piece So you're seeing
like the points kind of come out people come
out of the ground a little bit and an opening
So would you guys like to continue to investigate
do anything special? You're seeing this kind
of just like churchy temple points coming out
of the ground with a little opening walking up
to it. May as well check it out. May as well.
Is it solid? Yeah. It's like you're seeing the
ground and then it just kind of forms out of
the ground and there's a little opening going
down into this temple. Oh, so we see the opening.
There could be kitties down there. In their stairs?
Yes. You see a flight of stairs going down into
a dark stairwell. We... It could be a booby trap.
There could be cute kitties down there. So, we
ask Salish for help, and Salish comes out of
me to help. I don't remember what I did for her.
What do you need? Are you calling on me, Ms.
Muffin? I don't think we need Salish. Yeah, send
yourself down them stairs to make sure it's safe
for us, please. Make sure it's safe for you?
Yeah. Okay. Duke, are you trying to talk her
out of sending this cat in? I don't think we
need it, but... I won't push it that far. Okay,
well the cat goes ahead. Roll me... A Salish
check. Yeah. A Salish? Roll me a d20. What'd
you get? Plus what? I'm trying to get it loaded
here. Plus two. Okay. You're doing, like, your
perception. Like, you're kind of looking out.
But it's for a cat, so I'm telling you what to
roll. Oh, I can't use my pluses. Yeah, I'm looking
at you. Oh, okay, got you. So, six plus two.
Six plus two. You, uh... Yeah, so she... You
send her down here. You tell her to go, and she
kind of just flitters away. And you see her kind
of, like, going down this dark stairwell. And
you just hear, like, a... And she, like, comes,
like, squirreling back out. And she goes, I didn't
see anything! And, like, flies right back into
your chest. Yeah, so... Well... Either she got
scared and ran, or... She got scared and ran.
It's up to Duke Crystal now. I'll follow you,
bud. Somebody else take point. It's fine. Please
take. I'll follow you, bud. Your cat said it
was all good. You trust it, right? She seemed
to get scared, so obviously I'm going to follow
one of you. Your cat's a liar is what you're
saying. Okay, so who's leading? Who's going to
go in first? Please take. Nice muffin. Dude,
are you going in? Trudge forward, I go. Okay.
I don't know why I said it that way. That's a
flea stick thing. Fudge. Flea stick has lots
of phrases that come out of nowhere. I'm starting
the map session if you want to open it. Is that
on... Can you send me a link? It's on D &D Beyond.
You'll have to go to... Yeah, go to your character...
Beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond. It's a flea stick.
Since you're going first, I'll give you what
you see. It's pretty dark heading down this stairwell
until further a bit down the way you see a blip
brazier... A brazier. A brazier. You see a lit
brazier sitting in the middle of this room, which
is full. Like, there's pews. There's six pillars
on, three pillars on each side of the room. There's
an altar at the far end, and you're seeing a
couple, like, cultist -looking people dressed
in the red Thayan outfits that you saw. The ones
that assaulted the Ironspine Keep. How you doing?
Are you just going to walk up and say, how you
doing? Yeah, I'm going to keep my distance. You
guys going to, like, sneak? I don't trust them
yet. I don't know. Should we sneak? I'm walking
through the doors. They're bad guys. Very bad
guys. You can choose to sneak. Anything you want
to do. I will put my cloak on. Try to talk. You
can persuade. Be invisible. I'm going to try
to talk my way out of this. I know I'm going
to fail miserably, but let's do this. Are you
going to just walk up? out the whole team or
are you going up by yourself? Did you want to
put your cloak on and just keep a safe distance
and like cover my shit? So you're going invisible
in the stairwell like kind of just like hanging
back? Yeah I'll be close behind him so he's not
alone. Okay so Miss Muffin give me a stealth
check at advantage since you are invisible before
any of this goes down. Luke's just gonna be that
rage monster. 27. I'll stand right about the
threshold in the shadows just a bit. 27. Let
me roll for them. They failed. They don't see
you. You're invisible. So Felicia, you walk up
pretty much by yourself because Duke's kind of
in the shadows of the stairwell and Ms. Muffin's
invisible. What do you say? They're literally
like hands together praying up at this altar
just like saying some crazy shit. Have you heard
of our Lord and Savior, Runky? What? Who the
hell are you? I'm that man. You're that man?
You're the one they're looking for? And you literally
came here? Yeah, what's your problem? Would you
be so kind to just come with me? No. No? I mean,
where are we going, bro? I was going to take
you into our main hideout down here. You made
it in here. Obviously, you know you're supposed
to come here. Okay, I'll bite. Okay, so are you
going to follow them to the main room? Cautiously.
Cautiously? Okay, what's the rest of you doing?
Is Duke able to get invisible if he's under the
cloak with me? How was he going to get down there
too? I mean Ron and Harry did it. I think I can
just stay in the shadows and follow at a distance
behind. Yeah, it's not going to work. I don't
think we're going to do a Harry Potter situation
where you can ride his shoulders. We're not 12
year olds. Little rascals like you ride his shoulders
and you're just like one really tall person.
Yeah, I'm going to rascal it. So you're just
going to follow backwards or follow. behind invisible
and duke's gonna they're gonna keep a distance
and yeah don't blow your thing okay so uh flea
stick you're being led through this small tunnel
and it's it's dark there's no lights shining
through here and uh you cut into this larger
kind of square a larger square i'm trying to
get this are you guys moving and the lord god
ronkey said let there be light and there was
light and it was good It's like flowing out of
it. 19 plus 4. 19 plus 4? Okay, so you save from
the actual evil power you feel flowing out of
this thing. Like souls trapped inside of it.
Oh, that's scary. So they said, what are you
doing? Why are you reaching for that? I'm fixing
it. Fixing it? You can't fix that. You don't
have the right power. Says who? Says the power.
I have the power of the God, son. Come with us.
Just follow us and we'll lead you to the true
power. I hope he dabeth the juice over your forehead.
This is going a lot quicker and smoother than
I thought it would. Jeez. This is about to get
crazy, motherfuckers. I didn't even have to really
do anything. Kelly, roll me another stealth check
with advantage. So, flea stick, you step into
this room, and it's a large, open... You say
Kelly, but it's Miss Muffin! Miss Muffin, sorry.
You're in the doorway, wherever you are, following
behind. You step into this room, and as soon
as you step through the threshold of this doorway,
you see this large, open, cavernous area. And
there's water flowing from the south, and from
the north, and then from the east side, kind
of just all converging and rushing through. But,
more importantly, you see ahead of you... Another
fan that is sitting at a table. Another fan sitting
at a table. Then you see Duke Crystal strapped
to this chair with tubes and stuff stuck inside
of him. What? And then you see Duke Crystal's
alternate universe self strapped into another
chair with the tubes attached to him. What? Make
it make sense. So, as you step forward, they
say, you see the big, this is the big, fucking,
you know, bulked out alternate of universe duke
of this world. And he's strapped into the chair
and he goes, So, you thought we wouldn't find
out about your buddy's demon powers, huh? Lucky
for you guys, we have the perfect binding power
to match a demon and spark it to a new soul.
I'm gonna get that demon, boys! And then everyone
starts getting up and tries to attack you. But
before you can do anything else, Miss Muffin.
A certain somebody who wasn't really Duke Crystal
but was actually a doppelganger that kidnapped
Duke Crystal from the pleasure pile when he failed
to see the guy slipping stuff into his drink.
So, Duke Crystal behind you fades away into this
like shifting creature that stands before you
as a doppelganger. His eyes are just appearing
white. He goes, you really fell for it. And he
shoves you. So give me a opposed strength or
dexterity check. I got date rape drugs. I had
to work with Nate on this one a little bit because
he was a doppelganger and I didn't want to have
to play the doppelganger. I thought Nate was
trying to convince you guys to get to this place.
That's why I stayed in the back. It worked out.
He was hiding in the back. I was like, hell yeah.
Eight? Eight? You get pushed and shoved over
and your cloak invisibility breaks and you come.
Breaks? Not breaks, but your invisibility goes
away. And you roll backwards into this room and
roll me initiative. Yes. You are part of this,
but you are strapped in, so more so now it is
a matter of... The real Duke is strapped in.
Yes. The real Duke is... Prisoner. They are trying
to siphon the demon out of Duke and put it into
their version. Well, real Duke rolled a 10. Okay,
let me get it. That 20, damn. Yeah, plus four,
actually. You know, bitch slapped that doppelganger.
Put your nuts on his chin. If we hurt the doppelganger,
will it hurt the Nate? I mean, the Duke is...
No, no, no. You guys fought them before already.
What were they the last time? You guys fought
them inside of the scroll the first time. They
were us. Yeah. All my trash came back, bitch!
It's just Dukes, though. Dukes is all you see.
Where is my cat? Uh -oh. I forgot about that.
Freaking out. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm trying to
figure out what's going on here. Oh, whoa, hey.
I tried to give, like, a couple hints that I
was the traitor. Like, if you, like, rolled really
good on charisma, and they were going to be like,
oh, okay, well, you can go on and do whatever
you want. I was going to be like, well, fuck
you guys! It's like shit coming out of the chest.
And try to start a fight. That way it would be
like, well. That would be the Duke way. All right,
so. I almost did, though, because I was like,
fuck you guys. I know, I saw it was almost going
to go bad, and then you were just like, I'll
follow you. I was like, he's just walking right
into the trap. I know, I was like, oh, he's going
to go. I mean, there was another room to search
and stuff. I was like, they're going to get caught
in some other shit. Can we double back? You guys,
eventually, sure, maybe. I was like, I'll just
follow. Eventually, sure, maybe. So, Duke, what
did you get, real Duke, on your initiative? Tim.
Please stick. What did you get on your initiative?
I didn't roll. No, re -roll. That's off the table.
Plus whatever your initiative value is. That's
a six. We'll just say you got that seven. Ms.
Muffin, you got a nat 20? Your first roll was
20. Yeah, I got a nat 20 plus four. Okay, now
I'm going to roll for all these. It's not nice.
I'm scared going first. I'm going to do the special
D &D Beyond auto initiative. Okay, so we're going
to start this combat. You can't do that. We roll
real dice here. There's a lot of characters,
enemies. I didn't want to roll all those dice.
I was also glad I wouldn't have to transform
into a demon. There you go. I wouldn't be able
to. Is it doppelganger? So, first up, because,
well, actually, Kelly, Miss Muffin. Not Kelly,
Miss Muffin, the character. You're going first
because you got a nat 20. So you're first up.
You just got pushed backwards, rolled, and you're
almost like back -to -back with the flea stick
where he was. And the doppelganger is ready.
I can't. Is that supposed to be like that? Refresh.
Face -to -face to me where I can just go ahead
and dagger him without having to move? Yeah,
you're close enough. You can move. You're like
five feet away, ten feet away. So I'm going to
whip out. My both -hander daggers. Okay. Both
-hander daggers. Both -hander daggers. That's
a two -handed dagger. I got double -handed daggers
in my bag. You're going to need two hands for
this bad boy. That's a two -roll. One slice.
Somebody's going skiing. And you guys did long
rest, so I think everybody should be at full
health, full magic, full dagger venom, all that
stuff. So roll with advantage. Actually, you
do because you're an assassin, so you get advantage
on your first attack before anybody. For the
right hand, hit. Okay, 12 to hit? Yeah. In total,
like no pluses or anything? No. I roll with advantage
also. You do have pluses. I have four plus eight.
Oh, okay. That's a miss. No, you missed. Okay,
second hand. That's why we try again. Oh. Well,
that's 16. Eight plus eight. That one will hit.
Okay, that's a 1D4. Offhand. 1D4 stab. Plus 5.
2 plus 5. Damage. 2 plus 5 damage. That's 10,
right? That's like a ribcage shot. Close. Alright
then. Is that all you're doing? Um, well, what
else can I do? You have to refresh me every time
I remember. I used both hands. Oh, then you cannot.
Then I'm stuck right there. You could have disengaged,
but your bonus action is that stab, so yes. That's
it. Alright, so then that means first up, after
Miss Muffin, since she got the 20, is Tratorin,
which is Duke's counterpart. Tratoran, not Clatoris.
He's in this chair, and you guys see these tubes
are stuck into him. You see the black symbiotic
that was used to be fused to Duke is kind of
pulsing. It's not in him, but it's pulsing. But
his turn is going to be making his save. And
he saves. His con save to try to inhale the demon.
So yeah, he saves, but that's all he can do because
he's stuck to that machine right now. Miss Nothing
went. It is going to be one of the Thayan's turns.
What do they have to do real quick? Oh, that's
the wrong thing. I forgot. I have their stats
over here. Okay, this thing is going to... Technically,
that thing is going to wipe the fucking floor
with you. It's got my shit. Theoretically, it's
got my equipment. This thing's a beast. It looks
like a beast. Because it wouldn't look like me
if it would have woke up with none of its shit
like it had been robbed. I didn't really think
of that. This thing looks like a straight gladiator.
Spikes coming out of a Spartan helmet. I just
had an idea. I was like, I'm going to do a bunch
of drugs and OD this motherfucking guy who's
got the tubes hooked into him. But then I was
like, my drugs are in the backpack on the doppelganger's
backpack. Where's our globulus? He does have
your weapon. Back at camp. He does have your
gear. I didn't think of all that. So, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Okay. But anyways, the Thayan is going
to cast Mage Armor on itself. Nate Armor? Mage
Armor. Mage Armor. I'm going to give this one
a little border so I can see that it's got armor,
which will increase its AC as a mage. How dare
you? But that's its turn, because that's all
it can do. Next one is the other Thane Apprentice.
You know what it's going to do? The same thing.
Mage Armor! So it increases its AC! Duke Crystal,
it is your turn. What do you want to do? You
are strapped into this thing. You don't have
your gear. How much movement do I have? You can't
really move. You're strapped to a chair. You're
like arms, and you've got these tubes stuck into
you. These black and red tubes. Is my head strapped
down? No, your head is not strapped down. It's
just like into this chair. Can I lean forward
and bite at the tubes like snapping my own umbilical
cord? Yeah, you can try. Give me a, I guess that
would be strength. Yes. Can't you use the demon
inside you still anyways? I don't know what that'll
do if he's hooked to hoses and I turn into them.
I mean, it'll make an explosion, that's for sure.
Yeah, true. But he also is being half -sliced.
We'll save that for last for sure. If I can't
bite through him, we'll see. Oh yeah, I'm biting
through him. That's a 21. Okay, so what is your
unarmed damage? Boop it. I'll have to check.
I feel like this is actually more of an attack
roll. Probably, yes. With teeth. So we'll just
go with the roll, but we'll do the damage. That
would be... Probably quite big. Plus 8 to hit
with 6 damage. Okay. 6 damage? Like it just says
6 damage? Yeah, just flat 6. Not 1d10, just...
That's weird. That's weird, I don't know. That's
what it rolled for. Roll me a d6 plus your strength.
That's weird. That's weird, I don't like that.
7. 7? Okay, so... I'm going to do damage to that
thing. You're kind of just like gnawing on this
thing. You're feeling kind of like split and
cracked, but it's tough. So it's going to take
some more gnawing if you're going to want to
do that. I guess, are you doing... Second attack.
I was going to say, you have extra attack time.
You're gnawing on my straw. Like, come on. Let's
see. You're going for strength roll again? You
can do attack roll. Okay. Eighteen to bite? Yeah.
I figured it's not going to dodge me. That would
be five plus five, ten. Ten? Okay, so yeah, you
reach down and you're like, I'm gnawing on this
fucking thing, and you feel it like... The dude's
probably like, what the fuck is this? He's like,
dude, bro, stop. You're going to fuck it up.
And then he has me saying that you see it just
split, and it's like this mini atomic... It's
like kind of popped and sends you flying backwards
and sends him smashed into the wall. Roll me
a con save. I like it. Oh shit, I don't need
to roll that. That guy's like, no, no, no, no,
no. He's like, bang, out into the wall. I go
into the middle of the room. Con save? Yeah.
Uh, how's a 23 do? Uh, 23 will do. So, you're
going to take 4 damage still from being blasted
off of this thing. And, like, landing on the
ground. I'll say it threw you about 10, 15 feet.
So, you landed, like, past. You blew past this,
like, pig roasting thing. Just knocked it over
and blew the fire over. Yeah, like, what the
fuck? Uh, but what was your con save? 23. 23?
Okay, good. So, as you bite and rip this thing,
though, you hear, like... as we established last
episode you hear your father's voice and he goes
good job my boy and you feel like and like the
black symbiotic just sucks right back into you
yeah you get the you saved yourself from being
the demon ripped out of you nice see my demon
yeah but uh that guy got smoked he took more
damage so take that off of his really big health
bar he got two So, yeah, he blasts into that
wall. He's got these tubes just, like, kind of
hanging out of him still, and they're, like,
blood dripping out of him. The symbiotic black's
kind of oozing out of it. But, yeah, you did
that. Very nice. That was your turn. I'm about
to go feral on these fools. No weapons, straight
calls. So, flea stick. After all this kind of
erupts, you know, Miss Muffin gets pushed out,
stabs this doppelganger guy. The cultists are
like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, shit's popping
off. And then this thing just explodes. And throughout,
you see Duke get flown backwards, blast through
a fire pit. And the three cultists just immediately
turn and turn around and look at you. And they're
going to attack. Their balls are puckered now.
Yeah. Their balls? He's free. It finally bounced
across the room. He's going to make a melee weapon
attack with a scimitar. These guys aren't super
strong, so we're going to have a great time.
Ten plus three. That won't hit you, right? No.
Okay, so that one fails. So I'm going to do that
again, because that's all he's got. Eight plus
three, that don't hit. And then the other cultist
sees them both whiff, and this one's like, oh,
fuck, I really hope I hit this. And she just
whiffs right at the ground, and they're all just
kind of looking up at flea stick and tear for
once. You're the one that's looking to breathe
some stink in their face. Who wants that dumpster
juice, bitch? It's your turn, so give them the
dumpster juice. It's your turn, so. Tickle, tickle.
Okay. Well. You got three in front of you, two
standing by a table on the other side of Duke.
Triton blasts into a wall. I'm going to attack
Coltis, too, because she looks like a bitch.
Yeah, that's the one that tried to hit you last
and missed. Yeah. What are you hitting her with?
You're pretty close. You're about five feet from
her. I'm going to hit her with my Dragon Slayer.
Okay. Dragon Slayer. I haven't used that in a
while. Fourteen plus three. Is that it? Yeah,
that'll hit. All righty. Four. One plus three.
Four damage. Good. What did you use? The sword?
Yeah, you see her come down with your sword and
just slash her right across the chest. And she's
like, oh, shit! Like, falls to her knee, but
still alive, so... Not a dragon. Anything else
you want to do? In the name of Rumpke, that was
a weak hit. She's obviously not a dragon. Did
not slay her. I'm going to take that dragon sword,
or no, I'm sorry, my spiritual weapon. You're
going to spawn it? Where are you spawning it?
I'm going to spawn it. And it's only going to
be underneath her cheeks. Really spiritual weapon.
While it's spawning, you've got to cause it's
damage. It's a spike. Okay, so where do you spot
it? Just like right in front of her. So like
right there when you pile it with you? Yeah.
Okay. We'll do this right here. And... I'm going
to make it in the shape of a hand. I'm just going
to bitch slap this shit out of her. Okay, so
you're bitch slapping. Spiritual weapon pops
up. Hold hand. Yeah, exactly. Smash! Hulk smash.
Okay. Um... Okay. Shit. 13 plus 8? Yeah. I just
had it where you go. Jesus Christ. I should have
kept it. That'd be 9 damage. 4 plus 5. To the
same one, right? Yep, to the same... Uh, Clark
II, er, yeah. Yeah, Coltus II. Coltus II, named
by their parents, gets slashed upside the head
with this super bitch slap that echoes throughout
this cavernous area, and she just falls to the
face down into the water next door. She's dead.
It echoes. Test the bitch. Test the bitch. Test
the bitch. Test the bitch. Okay, that was your
turn. Okay. Now it's the doppelganger's turn.
Let me see this thing real quick. No. Okay. Kelly.
Make me a wisdom saving throw. Miss Muffin, make
me a wisdom saving throw. As this thing turns
and looks at you and has this unsettling visage.
This fucking awful looking face. This creature
of unworldly nastiness. He knows your nightmares.
Think of when you see Slender Man in the woods.
That's the feeling you're getting. Seven. You
fail. Okay, so this thing flashes you with this
scare. You are now frightened. And you will repeat
the save at the end of each of your turns. He
opened his trench coat. Yes, he flashed it. And
his doppelgangered out. He had 27 spiraling vortex
penises. Hey, it's your dummy master, Tristan.
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discount code. Thank you, W Energy. We have what?
You have disadvantage on ability checks and attack
rolls. And you cannot move closer to the thing
that you were scared of. So you are now forced
to move away from the doppelganger. Yeah, pretty
much. So, use that. That means you're running
away in fear without the choice. Which means
opportunity attack. How do you sound when you
run away? So as you... What's your full movement
speed? I think 30. So you are going to move...
30. 30 feet. I'm going to roll something to see
which direction you run. No, I don't want to
roll anything. It's too bad. Okay, so you run
directly up as fast as you can, and you get to
the far northern side, and you're just kind of
like huddled next to some boxes that ran from
that creature that you just saw. Pure fright.
But you're going to get hit with an opportunity
attack because you had to run away from it. Ooh.
Uh, fuck. Four plus six. Oh, it's a multi -attack.
15 plus 6. As you take off running, you just
feel these hands club you in the back of the
head with this huge slam. But don't she have
some retaliation thing or whatever? Not when
he's doing that attack. She had to run away,
so he's good. So you got 2 plus 4. I thought
she had this in the injury. Well, it doesn't
count. It was instinct to run like this. So,
yeah, you take two plus four damage as this thing
clubs you in the back of the head as you just
run away. Okay. Okay. We're getting crazy up
in here. My head. Squeaky squeak. We're going
to have to doppel it again. It is Kletoran's
turn now. He kind of stands up after getting
blasted. You see a form of him in the wall still,
like the hole in Looney Tunes character. Kletoran?
Yeah, Kletoran. And he steps down and he says,
Dude, Crystal, you fucked up. You're mine. He
takes off sprinting right at you. Just rub him
really fast. Just rub him really quickly. I'm
going to fuck him up. He's lucky. I was going
to fuck that thing and burn myself right next
to him, but he chose the death instead. I hope
he steps on his hose and rips it out of his underwear.
He takes off sprinting at you. What is his...
I'm trying to figure out what I got here. He
trips on his dick. Trips on his dick. He does
have two hoses hanging out of his guts. So he's
got a spear and a big shield on his arm, and
he takes off just charging at you with this spear.
He's going to try to attack you, but that's a
fucking natural one. Yeah. That goes straight.
He trips on his hose. He did. He runs, and he
steps right on his hose and flips as he's sprinting
at you, and he's like, Duke, you fuck! And he
just falls right into that fire pit, so I'm going
to give him some fire damage. He should have
speared himself in the head. He's getting three
fire damage as he trips and looks like a big
old jackass. That's what he gets. But he's a
little bit closer, dude. So yeah, that was his
turn. I would give him the multi -attack that
he has, but he's on fire and he critical failed.
Miss Muffin, it's your turn. That basic bitch
is mine. You can still do stuff, you just cannot
move closer to the doppelganger. I'm going to
cloak back up and be invisible again. Um, can
you? Are you allowed to just keep using it? Isn't
it like once per short rest or something? Actually,
I don't remember. I feel like it's pretty OP
if you just continuously be like... I mean, if
you really think about it, that's how it would
work. It'd be shredded by now. This cloak has
three charges and regains 1d3 expended charges
daily at dawn. Okay, so yeah, you still have
two charges. Cool. Are you going to go invisible?
Yep, I'm going to go invisible. Okay. Uh -oh.
Steps in water. Bonus action. Bloop. Bloop. Swing
sword. So, make me a stealth check with advantage.
Okay. Actually, with disadvantage, because you
were feared. Yeah, I was going to say people
know why. Hey, why don't they just laugh when
they run through grass? Thirteen. Since you're
since you're stealth if you attack somebody you
will get rid of the disadvantage You get one
use, I think, per day to stick somebody with
the poison. And then you have to roll. You can
use an action to cause thick black poison to
coat the blade. The poison remains for one minute
or until attack using this weapon hits a creature.
So you can activate it and then attack. DC 15
constitution saving throw. 2d10 poison damage.
Yeah, so I was gonna say I wanted to do that
but You can only do your bonus action attack
afterwards Since it takes a turn or an action
to put it on the blade But I put my cloak on
too That's your bonus action You can use your
action to coat it But you don't stay hidden until
next turn And it stays for ten turns I'll put
it on my blade and stay hidden until next turn
Okay, so you're coating it with poison and waiting
to attack The two Thayans, it's the Thayans'
turn. So they were kind of looking at Duke flying
on the ground, and then they were looking over
at the woman in the cowering in the corner and
then just saw her disappear. So they are going
to shoot at Duke. I go for intimidation. Intimidation
roll. Shoot the eyes right at him. So they're
going to do, both are going to do a firebolt
at you. Lucky you. Actually, no. No, no, no.
One is going to do firebolt. The closer one will
do something different. The closer one's going
first. So it's going to do Shocking Grasp. That's
a nat 20. Apologies. It'll buff. It'll buff.
I need a damage. Jesus Christ. Alright, so. I
got the damage down. Now I'm going to do it.
That's 5 and it's double because it was nat 20.
And a 1. So 6 plus 4. Shocking damage. I am hot
as fuck. Alright, and now it's the other Thayan's
turn, which is going to do Firebolt. Firebolt!
Miss. That is a 6 plus 4. That's not going to
hit you. That's a miss. That's a miss. Alright.
Duke Crystal, your turn. You're getting up, there's
a dude, big tritorn, just came running at you,
tripped into a fire. Thayan just shocked you.
Is he down there flailing like a bitch? He's
up, but he's on fire flailing. He's flailing
like a bitch standing up. Well, I think I'm going
to move perfectly in between the Than and Chatoran.
Like on the opposite side? No, right between
them. Oh, right between both of them. Okay. And
then I'm going to rage. Okay. Give me that attack
thing. Or is that deck save? Is that what I do?
How does that work? It's in your shell. Remember
I used the wand but turned it into fire. Call
and save a 13, 2d6 of damage for Thunder Client.
That's what you're talking about. Okay, yeah
it is. Okay, so call and save what? 13. Alright,
that is a 9 plus... Nothing for that one. I'll
do him. That is a 9 plus... Constitution? Yes.
9 plus 3. So I think they both fail? What was
the save? 13. They both fail. Yeah, they both
fail. So 2d6 fire. Yes, as you go demon mode
and erupt the flames. Not even an attack. Yeah,
not even an attack. Just a rage bust. Alright,
so that's 5 and 1, so 6 fire. Okie dokie. As
he's on fire. Yes, as he's already on fire. The
fuck? Stop burning! Alright. Your turn, still?
Yes. And since they're both in swinging range,
first attack is going to Tratoran, and that's
going to be a claw attack. Or into his fucking
throat. Give him the claws. Oh yeah, you don't
got your weapon. No. Oof. I doubt that hits.
Ten. Ten? Yes. No. Is that with your pluses?
Well, I rolled a two. Plus eight, so. Yeah, that
won't hit the, um... Tritoran. Okay. Are you
taking the other one at the other guy, or are
you hitting him again? Probably gonna hit the
other guy, the little one. Okay. Because he's
gonna try and use some spell shit on me. So we're
gonna clap him with a claw attack. A two again.
Okay. So a ten? No. Ten. That was good. At least
I attacked, so I won't run out of rage. Yes,
true. Hey, fire is useless. Cultist at three.
It's two cultists' turn. They're going to attack
you. Please take... No. Oh, they got Skimitar,
so they're just going to swing it at you again.
Eleven plus three. Miss. Nat one. The other cultist
goes to swing at you and misses so hard and falls
over and kind of lands on the dead body of their
other friend there. And they're going to have
disadvantage on their next attack roll after...
Falling face first into their dead friend. See,
that's fate. That's where you belong, you gutter.
Alright, they both missed. It's your turn. Alright.
I am going to bitch slap him with my dragon slayer
sword. Bitch slap from the sword and the spiritual
weapon. Yeah. Bitch slaps for everybody. Getting
clapped. Not in a good way. Ooh, not good. That
is a miss. I rolled a two. Oh no, backfire. What's
your pluses? Um, I think the dragon slayer is
uh plus three All right, but I slipped on a little
dumpster juice I'm gonna make it happen with
my spiritual weapon Okay Force them damage give
them force damage by forcing it i'm forcing this
damage on you And a 19 plus 8. Yeah. I think
you're fucking... The most guaranteed to hit
in this game is your fucking spiritual weapon.
Yeah, it always comes through for me. It's like
your wisdom based off of it, so it's just like
maximum. So that's an 8. 3 plus 5. 3 plus 5 damage.
I mean, I'm sure when the weapon itself is trying
to kill you, it's probably pretty good at it.
Like, if I suck at this, what am I good for?
It's like a sword that can't kill on its own.
Alright. So now that Miss Muffin has been forced
to run from the doppelganger, it's going to slink
up behind you, flea stick. You're getting the
full run. You better not slink up behind me.
Sounds a little suspicious. I'm going to roll
to see if the unsettled visage recharges. It
does not. As my god, Romsky dumps dumpster juice
down my back as a deterrent. It's crack. My crack
is leaking dumpster juice. Okay, it's going to
make a multi -attack with the slam of his hands.
Slam. 9 plus 6. Yeah. Wait. No. Okay. 13 plus
6. That one won't hit. Yeah. Alright. 2d6. 4.
And 4. So 8 plus 4. Deez nuts. Mmm. 12? Yeah.
12 to your mouth. 12 damage to the back of your
mouth. 12 healing? Healing? 12 damage to the
back of your mouth. No! Not me tonsils! Not me
gangula! Alright, Miss Muffins, your turn. Isn't
that what it's called, a gangula? Yeah, punching
bag. Your blade is coated in poison. It's dripping.
The old gagger. The old gangula. It's dripping
like the water coming from the ceiling of this
cave. I'm gonna go back straight down and stab
the doppelganger with my dagger. You're afraid
of him. You can't move anywhere within 30 feet
of that guy. What if she goes to stab and is
like, ah! Fucking just throws it. At this point,
she can throw something. Is Salish able to hold
things? Yeah, she is. She can retrieve things
from you. So she can also take things and stab
things. Technically, if she ran to the absolute
farthest part of the room away from him, could
she not approach at all afterwards? Yeah. Because
she can't approach him, so if she's back against
the wall, could she not come toward him anymore?
So you can't move within 30 feet of him, so the
only person you could actually get to is the
farthest Thane apprentice, which is exactly 30
feet from him. But even if she moves her arm,
she's approaching him, so therefore... She's
stuck. Yeah, you can move towards one enemy,
but that's about it. So I'm going to sneak up
to the thing and then... Okay. Sneak up across
this. And poison dagger. You're going to do the
poison dagger on this thing? Okay. Go for it.
Why? Why'd you say it like that? I was just making
sure. Should I not? No, go ahead. I was just
making sure. But you were using it. You said
it with a question mark. But if I roll with advantage...
Roll with normal because you technically have
disadvantage from being frightened. But I'm invisible
now. Which levels it out to standard. Okay, well
then... 11. You're not special. 11? You're not
hit. You're not hit and this thing sees you kind
of appear and just like a blade try to miss and
he's like, what the fuck? And you kind of come
out of your invisibility and you're ready to
fight. Okay, so I'm in my offhand dagger. I roll
that. slash back. Yes, with disadvantage. Um,
for real? Yes, you were frightened. Well, I rolled
an 18 then I rolled a 20, so you tell me, bro.
18. 18 plus 8 plus 8. Okay, you hit. Okay, so
it was 1d4 plus 5. And I rolled 3 plus 5. 8 damage.
Alright. Yeah, so the first one comes by and
it misses and she's like, what the fuck? And
then you just stick her with another one and
Do some pretty good damage. Pretty good damage.
Eight damage. Eight damage. All right. Tratoran's
turn. Duke's alternate. He's still kind of burning.
He's got some charred pieces of his skin. He
goes, why didn't you just let me take the demon?
Like, why didn't you just let me take it? Smart,
bitch. Shitty. Shitty. And he raises his spear,
and he's going to do a multi -attack. So the
gladiator makes. Ain't my fault. He ain't special.
He's going to make two spears. No, no, no, no.
I'm going to change it. He's going to do a spear
and a shield bash. He's allowed to do that. He
can do it. God damn it, dude. Why am I rolling
only nines? Nine plus seven. Nine plus seven?
Miss. Damn. I have a 17 AC. That's unarmored,
too, so very butt -ass naked. I got that. Okay,
so... Dick swinging. Second attack with, or no,
it's a shield dash. Roll me strength saving throw.
Fuck! You got a plus seven on that. That was
a 14 plus seven. 21. Yeah. I pooed him on his
ass. Woo! Yeah, he tries. He goes to hit you
and he's like, I miscalculated. They always said
my brain wasn't good, but my muscles were great.
My muscles didn't save me this time. No, you
underestimated. Alright, that's his turn. Back
to the Thane Apprentice. It's behind you. It's
going to do Shock and Grasp. What a fucking time.
That's all it's got. Wait, actually, it might
have something else. How hot's my skin? It touches
me. Actually, no. It's going to cast on itself
Blur. Yes. Blur. I'll tell you exactly what it
does here in just one second. Makes him blurry.
Yes, it makes him blurry to the eye. So the blind,
they're really screwed. You got a shadow step.
Okay, so as she does, he, whatever this one is,
I don't remember. He, we'll do this as a he,
smacks his body, and you see the body literally
start like, like vibrating like a vibrator. And
it's like blurred and shifting and wavering,
so... You'll have disadvantage attack rolls against
this creature. So yeah. He's armed up with Mage
Armor and has Blur on him. Fan Apprentice 2,
the female Miss Muffin was attacking, is going
to turn and use Burning Hands! No! Yes! Yes!
Uncanny Dodge! I think you have to make a save
for this one. Yes, make me a dexterity saving
throw as this flame start to erupt out of this
woman's hands Six dexterity save yeah My dexterity
is plus four and I rolled weak. All right, you're
gonna get hit with uncanny dodge though When
an attacker hits me with an attack, I can use
Uncanny Dodge as a reaction to halve the attack's
damage. Have it to work. I'll do it, probably.
Yeah, it's 11, so... Six. How awful. How awful?
You've singed my hair. My pubic hair is smoking.
It is your turn. Okay. To exact revenge in demon
form. The Saiyan is still alive behind you, and
Tratoran is obviously still there. Try to hit
you with the shield. Hit you in the big demon
abs. I'm gonna boot kick for a venture tour.
Boot kicking. Alright. Give me a... What are
we doing? Like shove? Are you just giving like
straight up unarmed attack? Boot kick? How are
we doing this? Are you trying to like push him
back into the fire? Or like... I just want to
put him on his ass. Okay. I mean, yeah. He's
literally in between. It's like fire pit, him,
you. thing and so like yeah kick him in the fire
yeah if you're kicking it backwards he's going
in the fire if you're going for a shove we'll
go for it all right so contested strength strength
leave well luckily he's got good strength but
you've got also a good strength 21 or no 19 sorry
19 i'm straight yeah he got 17. yeah so you give
him a good shove he's like oh you pizza oh god
the fire again he starts getting burned with
fire again see he's gonna die from everything
else other than attack. Like, you know what I
mean? Mm -hmm. He got hit by being blasted into
the wall. He fell into the fire. Then you got
hit with your area attack of fire, and now he
got kicked into the fire. He's going to take
two more fire damage. And for my next attack,
I will grapple the blur fork. Grapple him? Yes.
Yes. Okay. That's not an attack. Yeah, that's
not an attack. Yeah, it's not. You're right.
Okay, give me the, what is it, strength and dexterity?
Yeah, I think so. Okay, so... I'll make a dex
save. You might make it. Thirteen. You made it,
I got an eleven. Yeah, he said, no you don't!
He kind of wiggles out between your arms and
slips out. Anything else? Is that it, I think?
Is that your turn? Okay. The cultist on flea
stick. Hoping I can get a hold of that. They're
gonna take their scimitar attacks again. 17 plus...
Yep. Okay. You don't get a pulse. All right.
Six. So that's one damage, or one plus one damage.
It's weird that these guys aren't dead yet. They're
about to be. Yeah, I know. They have, like, such
little health now. So is it, too. That's the
other one. He's gonna take his attack, too. Yes,
it was, too. He missed. So the first one hits
for two damage, and the second one misses. I
need a band -aid. They're struggling. They're
about to be on that bus. It's your turn. All
right. Doppelganger behind you and two cultists
in front of you. I'm going to take my dragon
sword. You also got spells. I don't know what
you got. Yeah, that is true. Maybe I should switch
it up a little bit. You might have only ranged
ones. I could Sacred Flame their ass, but you
know. Yeah, you're close, so. I almost forgot.
I may be unarmed, but... Yeah, I'm going to Sacred
Flame the person, and then I'm going to... Damn,
I had a good idea. I lost it with my Spiritual
Weapon. So, are you going to hit... Are you going
to do Sacred Flame on Cultist 1 or Cultist 3?
Let me take a look. Cultist 3 is the one that
you... Cultist 3, I'll do Spirit Flame. He's
a little further back. Spirit Flame, okay. So,
deck save? Yeah. 17. Yep. You got it. Okay. Alright,
so, Spiritual Weapon? Yep. Jesus Christ. 11 plus
8. 19. Yeah. So, that Hawk Hand just... Using
the wind -up slap. Yeah. All right, damage. Yeah,
I forgot. All right, so four. All right. Plus
five. He's dead. You wind up, Hulk hand just
straight up the middle. And you're done, son.
And you're done, son. All right. He's dead. It's
the doppelganger's turn. He is going to risk
the opportunity attack running away from you.
So give me an attack with your your sword I'm
gonna whip that big old sword out and Yeah, can
I do dual wielding You can two -hand it. I'm
going to two -hand this one. I'm going to fucking
baseball snack this one. I think that's what
you were doing with it before. Yeah. It's just
a little higher damage roll. Yeah. Okay. Man,
that's bullshit. Nine. No. That will not hit.
But it's just opportunity back. So he says, fuck
this. I'm getting more. He takes off sprinting
backwards, and you see him kind of doing this
kneeling chant prayer at these two gargoyles.
As they start to, like, crack, and you're hearing
the echoes scream out of these things, and they
start to come to life. Oh, no. Thanks for listening.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly
Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal,
Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan
Hayes as the DM. The episode is edited and mixed
by Tristan Hayes. The artwork for Dummies with
Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram
under A -R -C -S -I -0. The theme song is the
intense fiddle by Ben Caldera. And when it comes
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