Hey! It's your Dubby Master, Tristan, and I would
like to thank our sponsor, Dubby Energy. Dubby
Energy is a growing and flourishing energy drink
powder, actually developing a clean energy formula
that is free from fillers, maltodextrin, and
artificial colorings, so everyone can enjoy.
In addition, Dubby is a sugar -free and zero
-calorie. Using a coffee -fruit extract blend
gives a much healthier, jitterless, and no -crash
effect from drinking Dubby. There are many flavors.
and each one sounds amazing. I just got my order
of Dragonade today and a mystery flavor. The
Dragonade is dragon fruit and pink strawberry
lemonade. Yummy, yummy. I am so excited to try
them out. Our referral link for W Energy will
be in the description along with our discount
code for a 10 % off. Dummies with Dice is the
discount code. Thank you, W Energy. Viewer warning.
Use of violence, profanity, rude humor, and the
portrayal of drug and alcohol use. Welcome back
to Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons & Dragons actual
play podcast that follows three not -so -average
dummies of our world that get caught up in a
magical storm and are transported to the world
of Dungeons & Dragons where they must survive
and try to find a way back home. And we are back,
so I have our question of the day. Let me find
this thing. Day. Day. Day. Day. Day. Day. What
is your go -to guilty pleasure song as your character?
So, who wants to go first? Ophelia, because it's
my real name. Bitch, what's up? Yeah, Miss Muffin's
real name. Ophelia Cornell. Oh, dang. Hi, I'm
Kelly Lee, and I play Miss Muffin, and you just
heard all that. Bish. Hey, who's next? Hey, Nate
here. My character's Duke Crystal. He's a drug
-addicted level 7 barbarian warlock of the group.
And I guess Duke's answer to the question would
be, I kissed a girl. No! At least it was a girl.
Some Katy Perry, eh? You can't have Katy Perry!
Didn't one of his facts back in the day was like,
he loves anime, so it's like... What is Duke
inside? He's listening to Katy Perry. He's listening
to Katy Perry. He's very convoluted inside. Let's
be honest. We all listen to Katy Perry. I love
Katy Perry. He keeps a mask, a facade up front.
He can't be seen as weak. Not in his business.
Not in his line of work. All right. Please do.
For Ryan talking here, I play this. Please take
Sogjolly. I'm the Hobo Trashmaster Cleric of
the God Rumpke. I am the MacGyver of all things
trash and garbage, and my guilty pleasure song
is I Love Trash by Oscar the Grinch. I love trash.
Wait. Wait. Oh, I love trash. So where we left
off. Before our master had surgery. Before I
had faithful surgery on my mouth. You guys had
been inside of the Dungeon of Deception, or Dungeon
of Deceit. I can't remember exactly what it's
called. So you're in this place. You went through
these dungeon rooms. You fought skeletons that
were flowing out of cauldrons. You tried to get
trapped inside of a wine room. And now you have
made your way to this pentagram -lined floor.
Smelt of brimstone. You fought a frog. demon
thing that was being controlled by a red gem
on his head you killed him um was probably teabagged
and you smashed it you smashed the gem and then
flea stick mended the gem to his crystal blue
gem on his foreheads or on his helmet and then
after you guys did that this red aura of energy
bursted out and flowed through the hallways and
throughout the building So. Like a dusty fart.
We pick up where we left off. Like a dusty fart
is where we pick up where we left off. So. What
would you guys like to do now that you're in
this room, the body lays on the ground of the
gray slad, as it's called. Slade the slad. Loot?
Loot the body. Loot the body? What's the body?
I forgot. What are we talking about? It's the
frog thing. Yeah. Isn't it like a stone frog?
Um. I don't remember. I couldn't either. Hang
on, I got his... He's gray. He's a... No, he's
not. He's just a... He's just gray skin. He's
just a gray slad. Yeah, it's just his type of
species, I guess. Sticky fingers in his butthole,
so he's gone. Yeah, you can. You can give a loot
if you want. Give me a... Investigation. It's
on my pouch. He's gone. Give me an investigation
check. Don't worry, I totally am ready. You got
real dice. I'm gonna use my real nice yedingus.
Eleven. Eleven. So I'm gonna say with an eleventy,
you're kind of searching over this thing's body,
and you're feeling that it's, uh... A frog. How
do frogs lay eggs? How does that happen? Some
have them on their back. You find a slat egg.
On this. I don't know how you find it. I don't
know the anatomy of a fucking frog, but you find
an egg. I think they have them on their back,
don't they? You find an egg. Have them on their
back? So, sure. Would that be like a tadpole
form? It's not a tadpole. It's an egg form still.
You reached up in the frog and got an egg. Yeah,
sure. You're noticing there's eggs on it. Wow.
Maybe when it died, it shit them out. I was like,
whoa. You're finding eggs. What the fuck, guys?
This is cooking eggs. It was a death birth. It
was a death birth. That's what it was like. Okay.
Tadpole baby. So what are you doing with it?
You're going to take it or you're just going
to look at it? We're going to fry it up. Let
me look at something real quick. I'll tell you
what it looks like. I was going to say, I need
more information. I'm scared. A baseball -sized
little tadpole. I'm terrified of this gross -looking
egg shit. Will we eat it? You need a frog egg.
I don't like a bunch of holes. He said, I don't
know. I don't know about that. Frogs that have
like the... Babies on their back have, like,
holes all over their back. Gross. Really? Look
it up. Look it up. Look it up. Okay, so this
egg actually... This egg, I think, actually comes
from a gland under one of its claws. What? Yeah.
And the egg kind of does its thing, but... Yeah.
Lay it in the prey? Tover. Yeah. From under its
claws? Yeah. Like its feet? Like it comes out
of its thing, so... Yeah, put it in one of your
cuts. See what happens. I'm going to kick it
towards Duke Crystal and say, here you go, you
deal with it. Okay, kick it away. I mean, do
you guys want to deal with it or do you just
want to leave it? I put it in my pack. You put
it in your pack? He's going to incubate it in
his butt crack. Basically your bag. It's going
to eat through the fabric. So you put this like
little squishy, nasty little egg in your pack.
It's like gray. You can see like life inside
of it. Like it's kind of foreign, but there's
not much more. So yeah, you stick it in there
in a slime spot. Either that or I pop it like
a water balloon. Yeah, it's whatever you guys
want to do with it. I don't really give a shit.
I'm scared. But that's what you really find on
this thing. So there is a sarcophagus in the
middle of the pentagram. And there's also a tunnel
that you saw in the north side of the room. You
open sarcophaguses. That's your thing. We don't
like getting poisoned totally. I'll heal you.
You almost killed my cat, B. What the hell's
that? 21? Let's pop it open. Alright, give me
a strength athletics check. 18? Oh yeah, just
beat it. So, okay, you... Within this sarcophagus,
as you pop it open, you don't see... Nothing
happens to you. Sorry, I had to read a little
passage. So, when you pop open this lid, within
is a varnished clay urn containing the skull
and bones of a grung. A what? Which is a... You
don't really know what that is, but... It doesn't
sound like you're saying words, sir. You can
see that it says bones of a grung. And some other
name, but whatever. So what would you like to
do? I'd take... Take the bones? The urn with
the bones in the middle. Why? I need you to make
me a wisdom saving throw. Okay. Yeah, dude. Very
hard one. Good fortune. Oh. Oh, okay. Hard one.
Okay. That's it. To six. I highly doubt that
six is going to beat the very hard roll. Yeah,
tell us what's up. Have it speak to me. Whatever
it's going to do. Try and molest my mind. Okay,
so you reach out and you touch this urn. And
you feel this, like, wave of energy kind of flow
over you, and you just start irresistibly dancing.
Like, you're dancing as hard as you've ever danced
before. I said we're going to have a dance party.
My legs are kicking, legs are smacking, and you're,
like, your brain's, like, hitting it. Your brain's,
like, raking because of this, like, forced movement
to be moved. So I need to roll. Kind of a bigger
thing here. And the Irish jig. Ooh, that was
the max damage roll. You get 10 psychic damage
as this thing's breaking your brain to make you
dance. So, yeah. Yeah, that happens. Oh, yeah.
Six foot, seven foot. Okay, so as that happens,
what do you want to do? Do you want to go back
into the sarcophagus and keep searching? Or do
you want to send somebody else? I throw it to
Miss Muffin. Oh, my God! I catch it perfectly
and I start dancing. Really? You're going to
catch it? Well, it's instinctual. Okay. Then
make me a wisdom saving throw. Very hard. If
you're going to instinctually catch it. I can't
help myself. I didn't even mean to catch it.
Cat -like reflexes. Cat -like reflexes. Give
you a what? A wisdom saving throw. It's very
hard. Wisdom saving throw. Yeah. Bye. The flea
stick might have a chance. Oh, 19 plus 1, 20.
20? Yeah. You failed. What? So you feel your
body start to, like, twitch, and, like, your
brain's, like, being overcharged, and you start
doing... Okay, I was about to say, what kind
of dance do you do? So you're doing the Beetlejuice.
The Beetlejuice. Okay, so, yeah, you start kicking
and slapping those elbows around, and you feel
your brain start to just be raked with this pain,
and you get... Three damage of psychic damage.
Yeah, because Miss Buffett's already crazy and
doesn't give a fuck. All right, now what do you
guys do? Do you want to search the rest of the
sarcophagus, or do you want somebody else to
do it? You guys just say, fuck the sarcophagus.
I smash the iron with my boot. Okay, yeah, you
can do that. Just smash it, and it just kind
of shatters there on the ground. And I piss on
the bones. Okay. Give me a constitution statement.
It's getting intense. Oof. Five. Five? Okay,
you pee on it very well. Oh my god. Solid, solid.
He's always peeing on shit. So, um, let's see.
What do you want to do then? After you smashed
and peed on that? It wasn't really that hard
to check. That's about all that's in there, right?
Yeah. Well, you haven't really searched the rest
of the sarcophagus. You just kind of picked up
the urn. And peed on it. Oh, yeah, that thing
is garbage. On to the next thing. If there was
anything else in there, we're checking it out.
Moving on. Okay, yeah, you can search it if you
want to go. Okay, give me a... Never mind, you
don't have to give me anything. You look inside
of it now that you've got this big spurn out
of the way. You find a potion of poison. Deadly.
I fucked that up. What did I actually get then?
Too late. It's an antidote of healing. It was
a potion of supreme healing disguised as a potion
of supreme healing. So, like, you would have
taken it as supreme healing and it would have
poisoned you. So, what I'm going to say is...
Thanks for telling me. So, what I'm going to
say is, since I just boofed that, is you've got
a potion of poison disguised as a potion of supreme
healing. Good. So, we know what we can use it
for. So, if I wanted to kill a team member when
they're really hurting and lowing down... No,
I already heard. I was listening. Or, like, yeah,
you know what I mean. Well, they're not going
to ask questions. They're going to be like, oh,
thanks for the heals. Yeah. No, I'm going to
ask. I'm going to ask. I mean, you know, none
of you have supreme healing potions. I'll just
sell it to a store. That's some fucking great
shit. That's some serial killer shit. That's
such a big potion of healing. That's so bad.
Jesus. No, it's not. It's business. So many creatures.
It has value with its current identity. Okay.
Moving on. Is that all? Uh, yeah. So, the egg,
as you're kind of walking away, you're feeling
it, like, you're feeling that thing start to
squish around and move a lot more, a lot rapidly.
I pull it out, throw it on the ground. Not hard,
I just kind of, like, a little roll. Sit it down,
like, let it, like, roll out of there. Yeah.
You're seeing this thing kind of, like, move
and form. It's birthing. But, like, it's not
birthing, almost. It's just, like, you're seeing,
like, something magical inside of this egg. Like,
it's a different type. of nothing you guys have
ever seen before. Even in real world, it's just
like an unearthly magic -looking little egg.
Maybe because it was born from a type of creature
that was being powered by magic. Do I have any
water? Water? I'm sure I have some. I'm not sure.
I would say you guys probably have a canteen
of water. I have water. I pour a little water
on it. Pour a little water on it? Yeah. Okay.
It goes like, wiggles a little bit, squirms.
And make me a wisdom save. All of us or just
me? Because we're all looking at it. This is
just something I'm holding. That would be...
I'm looking at it. I swear. I seen it. 18. 18?
Okay, so you're looking at this thing and you
feel it kind of merge with your mind a little
bit. And it's like understanding. You're getting
a weird understanding of this little magic creature
inside. And this thing, if you carry it with
you, Since this is my form of attuning it with
you, it's going to act as a Pearl of Power. So
while this Pearl is on your person, you can take
a magic action to regain one expended spell slot
of level 3 or lower. Once you use the Pearl,
it cannot be used again until the next dawn.
That's cool. So it could work for you with your
Warlock levels. I don't know. I'm going to assume
that's the same thing. Hello. Wow. You also have
resistance to poison damage. Even though you
have poison on you. So. Nice. You shouldn't have
gave it up. I didn't want that creepy buggy.
He's probably scared of power. Alright. And what
was the name of what he technically is? A pearl?
What was it? A pearl of power. Okay. Alright.
How did a pearl come out of a frog? He's a special
froggy. He likes clams. He has the ability of
pearl of power. Okay. So. Now. What would you
guys like to do? On to the next room. Next room?
Okay, so there's a tunnel to the north of this
room, and then there's back the way you came.
Do you want to investigate the tunnel, or do
you want to... Secret tunnel! Okay, so give me
a perception check. All of us? If you want, if
you want to help him. I do, I do, I do. I just
have to ask, because I'm not sure. 15. Same.
15. Ha ha, roll off. Let me get you. 12 plus
5, 17. Oh. Okay, so you all get a very strong
whiff of wine coming through this room. Yum.
It smells like cheese. You say wine? Yes, wine.
Is there cheese? Probably, assuming it leads
back to your wine room. Oh. Or, you know, wine
pool. Let's see. Smells like church. Smells like
wine. Okay. Takes back church. Must be church.
So that's waste of time. Church wine. Okay. We
go back. Go back? Yes. Alrighty then. So, you
remember as you entered, right before you entered
the room with skeletons with the zombie door
that you made open. Yes. You step out into that
hallway. Yes. And to your... Is that another
hole? West was a secret door you found. Yes,
we will go that way. Go that way? Yes. How big's
this secret door? Small. Small and secret. Alice
in Wonderland is small. Not that small, but small.
Okay. A giant couldn't walk through. You walk
into, behind the secret door, you see a carved
stone font filled with water. What would you
guys like to do? A font? A what? A font? Uh,
Ms. Buffett's gonna drink some of this. It's
a birdbath. Oh, okay. It's a birdbath. Yeah,
say that then. Just say that. We're intelligent
around here. We're intelligent around here. A
fucking font? Healing. Healing. because he read
it in some red type thing. It is the only way
I knew it. I don't know how to read that. It's
a bird bath because I look at it and it looks
like a damn bird bath. No birds in this fucking
dungeon. What's a squirrel feeder called? I don't
know. A font. A font. A font. Okay, so what would
you guys have to do? I'm sorry. There's going
to be a hallway ahead that leads to a set of
stairs. Miss Muffin's going to drink some water.
Actually, those stairs aren't good. Those stairs
aren't good. Come on. No, I saw them. They're
not there. Those aren't even real. I'm taking
those out. Okay, then. They're not there. So,
yeah. That's fucked. No fault. Someone collapsed
the tunnel. Yeah, the tunnel is collapsed ahead.
Oh, there's no passage. I'll punch my fucking
way through it. All right, so what would you
guys like to do as you see this water thing?
Touch it. I thought about putting my egg in it,
but I'm scared. So I want her to drink it first.
Waterboard it. Her left hand. As you look into
this water, as the water kind of flows in there,
you see it start to swirl. And this eerie light
kind of emanates from within this thing. Slowly,
an image resolves on the water's surface. You
just play into it. You're seeing inside of this...
Are you just jerking it? You smack your hand
in the water. Oh, okay. I think you look like
you're jerking it. Which is kind of good because
as you're looking through this water and this
thing and you're doing this jerking motion, you
realize you're looking through the eyes of a
two -guardian patrolling this dungeon. and he
feels this weird sensation of his hands start
trying to jerk his own. No! Stop! It's like the
fucking impulsive jerk. I was splashing around
the tub. I was just splashing around. The tub
was impulsive. I was just fucking the bitch.
I was just fucking around, man. I was just hanging
out. Why are you jerking off the guards? I'm
not! I wasn't! Okay, so you see through the eyes
of what looks to be a tomb guardian, and he's
kind of patrolling around areas of this town.
He sounds upset that you played with his jealousy.
No! I didn't do that! That's sexual assault!
What was his own hand? Okay, so that's what you
see. Body theft and sexual assault. Okay, after
you see that... I see what? He's not even dead!
Wait, you guys, be quiet. What? You see through
the eyes of a tomb guardian that's patrolling
the dungeon. Oh, wow. You're seeing his movement.
So I see everybody but the guard because I'm
looking through his eyes. You're seeing everybody
but what? Yeah. But the guard. Yeah, you're not
seeing the guard. You're seeing his fucking arms
and his feet and shit because you're looking
through his eyes. You look down and you see his
hand jerking. The image is flowing in the water.
You're seeing it in the water. I'm just making
for sure. I'm just making for sure. All right,
so as I'm looking around, I see what? It fades
away. It stops showing you anymore. You see nothing
else. All you did was sexually assault the guard.
Yeah, all you did was make him. That was it.
This father fondled himself. I wasn't trying
to, I swear. I'm wrong. Hey, I'm wrong, Kelly.
Make me a fucking wisdom save. Why? He's going
to jerk you over. So, you making your wisdom
save? Yeah, I got it for free. You feel him.
I was about to. Oh, I can't say that. I was going
to say, you see him look at you. You see that
he gets alert. He goes, I see you. And you know
that this guy has seen that you were looking
at him through this thing. So. Okay. Okay. Just
hang out there at the fountain. We're going to
push ahead. And yeah. Yeah, so you're going to
leave that thing? She's going to stay there.
Yeah, I'm going to stop splashing around. That's
all I was doing. She's going to stay there right
by the fountain and we're going to move ahead.
You guys can splash around in the fountain. That
way when the tomb guard shows up, she'll be there
waiting for him. Anybody want a drink from the
fountain? Okay, so. As you trudge past this thing.
You're kind of hearing the footsteps of that
guard coming from down this hallway. Well, I
turn around and grab Ms. Muffin and push her
ahead of me. No! Stop it! As you get towards
that opening, you're also seeing another hallway
that goes to a door to the north. And I run through
the door to the north. He is coming from the
west hallway. There's a north hall. Well, I lead
down the west, pushing her forward. Okay. Alright,
you gonna fight this? I already tried. I just
did. What? I said I ran to the north door. Oh,
give me a dexterity save. Dude, give me athletics.
Gotcha. Oh, you're hit. You're fucking hit. Uh,
28. Yeah, he's actually pushing you forward.
Why? To what? Pushing me forward to what? The
tomb guard that you fondled and is now angrily
coming up here to fuck us up. It's your business.
You started this. You finish it. I'm not going
to lead the front and deal your battles. I didn't
fondle him. I splashed him. He has every right
to come fuck you up right now and I'm not going
to get in his way. Once you start your altercation,
I will go to the north tunnel. Alright, so. You
can handle this. You're a roguelike. Yeah, you
got this. So, I'm gonna... Freaking... One second.
Right by your shoulders like this. Just pushing
you forward. I don't know what to do! I'm gonna
drop. I'm gonna just drop out of his hands real
fast and then I'm gonna use my spider slippers
to walk up the fucking wall and be on the ceiling
and be like, fuck you, stop doing this. Okay,
so yeah. What we're gonna do here is... So, you
see this door. bust open and you're seeing this
big ass iron like super spiked shoulders he's
got like metal armor full -blown heavy metal
armor big old knight's helmet on can't even see
inside of it he's got heads hanging from his
belt with masks strapped to them like iron masks
chains hanging from his body and he's covered
in blood This dude's a fucking miniboss at least.
Well, you got it, Gilly. So he walks out and
he says, Who are you? What are you doing in a
tomb? He starts getting fiery and starts building
up more. You can feel his aura getting built
up. Why are we in this tomb? I just pat her on
the shoulder and say, You got this. And I give
her a little push. And then I just turn around
and start hitting her. Run your full movement
speed. Yeah, dad. To wherever the fuck you're
going. Safety. Are you going to the north to
run? Out? Or what? I just get away from Duke
Crystal. Just run. Okay. I'll leave you be. Just
do your thing. Okay. I pity you. You run on the
ceiling and run to the circle room. And then
what? You run into the north room? Sure. Okay.
I turn around to go deal with the big guy who's
going to be blatantly following us for the rest
of our excursion in this dungeon. All right,
let's just roll initiative. Very good. Yeah,
I mean, he's going to be... What the fuck do
you want me to do to him, Duke Crystal? Be a
team player. You were not being a team player,
sir. How many times have I cleaned up your messes?
None. I let you use my cat. The one that's dead.
Roll initiative. It's dead. No, she's not. We're
saving her. Is she innocent? Is she with us with
spirit? Let's see. Nineteen. Nine. Fourteen plus
one. Fifteen. Miss Muffin don't like going first.
Did you say nine, Kelly? Yeah. 14, 15 for you,
Duke? Or 19? 19 for me. Okay, he got a 4. Duke,
you're up first. All right. Rage is a bonus action,
right? Yes. Okay, well, I will use my action
to drink a potion of greater healing. That's
the right one. I was going to say. Yeah, that
one's in a whole separate compartment in my bag.
Oh, good. Let's see. That's 4d 6 plus 4 4d 4
plus 4 All right, and then I will rage Do I have
to attack on my first as soon as I rage? No,
I think it's, like, next turn. Okay, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Then I'll rage this turn. Well, uh... What
do I need to do here? Because how close are you?
Were you, like, in the hallway still, or were
you in the round room? Uh, I'm, like, I'm, like,
I'm, like, a little bit past the fountain thing,
I thought. I mean, I can walk forward. I didn't
use any movement speed, technically. Yeah, because
you like them. Make... How far is that? Oh, no,
he's too far. Okay. And then you burst. Fiery
explosion. You go demon mode. Because you raged,
so... That's your turn. Glad no one will stand
next to me. I always forget that. Yeah. Please
don't talk, Charlie. You're kind of still further
back in the round room. You're like 30 feet from
him. From the big guy. okay uh what just happened
um dude pretty much just drank a potion and raged
and then the guy came out the door so all right
is this guy aggressive yeah you're an initiative
yeah you're fighting okay looks like a from salt
boss yeah he does he's actually scary as fuck
all right uh Kelly's on the ceiling. So you see
Miss Muffin. She's cowering and shaking on the
ceiling. Miss Muffin wants to help her team and
her team doesn't abandon her. He's eventually
going to throw something up there and you're
going to be cooked. Dude, Crystal just did it
the wrong way and it was meanie. You act like
he's a simpleton and he can't get you off the
ceiling. I think he could if he really wanted
to. He probably could, but he stuck me out there
alone so I freaked out. Paranoid and anxiety
took over. That's not going to be an anxious
assassin. I don't know if I can stab him. In
their sleep or not. They might see me. He was
awake and walking towards me when I was left
right in front of him. Well, then you need more
training. You guys are being mean. You touched
his penis, not me. I did not. Penis toucher.
This whole episode is belarkey. Tomb Guardian
penis toucher. You hear me? This whole episode
is belarkey. I'm not even a part of it. I'm not
even a part of it. My name is Tristan Hayes and
I fully consent that this is... I wouldn't do
a sacred flame on his ass. Sacred flame on his
ass? Yeah. Okay, give me a sacred flame on his
ass. Should I do something? Do I have to dex
it? Yeah, dex it. I get a nat 1. Yeah, balarkey.
Give me a little bit of double damage. Alright,
so... A little bit. Give him a lot of it. Alright,
so five... Oh, wait, sorry, sorry, sorry. Wrong
die. Yeah, roll the bigger one. Where's the eight?
Fuck, I'm lost. Is this it? Yeah. Ribbed for
pleasure. Oh, eight. The master... Master has
it. It's floating through the air. Knight got
it. And seven, so eight plus seven, so 15. Oh
yeah, good shot. This radiating, sacred trash
poop flies off of him. Yeah. What'd you say?
Seven and eight? I already forgot, 15? Yeah,
seven, eight, 15. Okay, yeah, you hit him. All
right, anything else? Yeah, sacred queef. Alright,
so I got my bonus action. I'm gonna use my shield.
My spiritual weapon. Right in his face. Right
in his big ol' face. Disappears. Fucks him up.
So... Yeah. It's gonna go for, like, a mega,
like, headbutt. Just, like, stop him in his track.
Yeah. So, 18 plus 8. 18 plus 8. Is that fast?
Yeah, that is. Okay, so... Uh, that's 1d8 plus
5. Savage. So, 5 plus 5. Okay. On damage. Good
hits. Very good hits. His health is going down
quick. His high damage hits. Alright, that's
you then. Miss Muffin, your turn. You're stuck
on the ceiling. What do you want to do? Yeah,
Miss Muffin wants... That's please stick shooting
fucking magic past your head. Aww. Miss Muffin's
gonna pull out her dagger of venom and dash up
and is he wearing a helmet? Yeah, he's wearing
everything. He's built. So, ideally, is Ms. Smuffin
able to stay on the ceiling and cut his shoulder
as she runs past him? I mean, yeah, you would
have... Technically, you have advantage since
you're attacking him before he's had his turn.
But, yeah, you can be on the ceiling and attack
him. I mean, like, can I reach his shoulder to
cut his shoulder? Yeah, you definitely can reach
his shoulder if you get in that hallway because
it's only a 10 -foot ceiling. So you'd be, like,
halfway to touching the ground. So how close
am I to him? Am I able to dash to him, put him,
and dash away to safety? You can run to him.
Yes. He's only about 25 feet from you. All right.
That's my signature dash, slash, and dash. Okay.
Give me a dash. But here's the picture. My dagger
of venom. Did I say that part? You can't use
the venom, though. Why? Because you used it on
the skeletons. Remember, it's only like once.
Per day or we have a shirt rest Oh You can still
use the dagger, but you just can't do the venom
part. It's like the poisoning part. That's fine.
Yeah, you can still stab him with it 16 plus
8 to hit him High rolls today good thing cuz
he's eight damage So basically sliced his shoulder
muscle. He can't move his arm now. No, now you're
just in his face and cut his shoulder. He's like...
Okay, so you use 25 movement speed. What's your
movement speed left? You're going to disengage
it? That's what I do. Hit him, disengage, move
five foot away. Disengage, move five foot away.
Now you're out of his swinging range, I think.
So he can't target you as a reaction from you
hitting him. He would have to, on his turn, directly
like... But you're not far from him. Laying down
would be an action. I think... I don't know.
If she laid down on the ceiling, it might be
hard for him to reach her with a sword. But I
think the thing with spider climbing is it has
to be feet flat down, like crouched maybe, but
that's about it. I'd say he's probably gonna
have, like, disadvantage trying to smack you
in the ceiling. But, like... Probably. Yeah.
I didn't know she could minimalize how easy he
could hit her. I mean, you hit him. You did decent
damage. But now it's his turn. So, let me see
exactly what he can do here. Nothing. A lot.
I bet he's got magic and shit, too. Did you say
73 looked? No. I was looking. No. I was like,
he's got 73 health left. He's only got two. You
might be lying, he's covering it up. I'm sure
he's probably got over 100 health. How dare you.
How much do we hit him? It doesn't hit him a
lot. You each did like 10. You did 10 twice or
something. Well, he did 15. She did like 10.
I did 15. I did it. I'm about to fucking... I'm
about to wreck his world. Okay, so he actually
only has multi -attack. And it's a slam. He's
got these chains on him, so he's going to slam.
I don't like multis. They fucking hurt bad. So,
he's going to try to hit you, Miss Muffin, with
the multi -attack. First one. Disadvantage. Disadvantage.
He's on this. Thank goodness he's on this advantage.
Because I'm on this advantage. But he gets like
three attacks. He misses. He got like a three
plus... So does he have to land the first one
to continue the flurry, or does he get to whiff
three? I think he gets to do them no matter what.
Oof. So he's going to take his second one. Disadvantage.
Fuck, he got the same one. Well, that was a four.
It was a four plus seven. Yeah, now we're back
to the top of the round. Do Crystal. Plus seven,
you said. Holy fuck. Okay, uh... You got Miss
Muppet. Dodging fucking fists. That's just trying
to slam her into the ceiling. Oh, dirty. So now
he's, like, ten foot from you, kind of. Is she,
like, directly above him on the ceiling? Five
feet from him. But at the ten foot height level.
Yeah, she's up on the ceiling. So if you walk
in, it's gonna be, like, you guys are, like,
heads are, like, touching on top of each other.
You know what I mean? Because she's upside down.
She's also kind of short. So if I use my lightning
bolt, I'll probably have to aim at his dick to
avoid blasting her with the five foot radius
of it. What is the save for the lightning bolt?
Deck save. So what I'll say is if you throw it
through there, I'll give her advantage on the
save. upside down and kind of out of the way
let's say because it is 100 foot long by five
foot diameter so i figured well no i guess if
i aim it as dick it'll stop it about his neck
or head she's on the ceiling so that would make
her about five foot above it well that's why
i figured i can get it right above her head so
yeah it's gonna be a wanted slow -mo like lightning
bolt flies over grazes the top of miss muffin's
head i mean can he even deck save in a hallway
that is five foot fucking wide. He's going to
have a pretty bad time. I mean, where's he going
to go? It's like in a car. Let's just say this.
Sacred Flame is one of those ones where it's
like they have decks that are good. If their
decks are bad, they fail. He failed against the
Sacred Flame. That's true. His decks ain't great.
He's eating this either way. It was a matter
of half or full. I can't remember what the save
is though. I'll have to check real quick. It's
13 because that's my spell DC save. All right.
All righty. So, deck's safe? Yes. I hope he's
weak to lightning. He got an F1. Okay, so he's
taking half damage, I guess. Yeah. All right.
What a fucking rant. Yeah, I thought so. Five.
Five, ten. Eleven. Sixteen. 18, 19, 24, 25 haft.
So we'll just say, wanna round it down or up?
12 or 13. I'm gonna be honest with you, buddy.
It doesn't matter. So this lightning bolt flies,
it strikes him right in the chest and you see
this lightning bolt kind of hit him and it's
just like, like absorbs inside of him and you
see him literally absorb the lightning. And what
was it? 15? Mm -hmm. He heals 15 health. Hmm.
And where did he suck it into? Like his chest.
It just kind of like lightning. So it healed
him? Lightning just kind of absorbed it. Yeah,
it healed him for 15 health. I'm glad I didn't
roll very good. Okay. Okay. Well, with my extra
attack, I'm going to ram my fucking greatsword
all the way into that chest piece. Okay. As deep
as fucking possible. The little absorbing hole?
Yes, right in his pussy. His chest pussy. His
chussy. His chussy. Give him the chussy. Right
in his lightning chussy. All right. You know
what? Let's make that a reckless one. Okay. I
don't think we'll need it. I mean, that's a...
That's a 14 plus 9. We will fucking throw another
one. Ooh, 18 plus 9. Yeah, that hits. Yeah, it
hits. Good. Okay. 1D8 plus 6. Fucking... Man.
That is 1 plus 6. 7. 7 to his fucking chissy.
7 to the chissy. Damn, that ain't enough. Alright.
I'm gonna give him a Constitution table, okay?
All right, he basks. Being pushed in is juicy.
Being pushed into the absorb hole with a sword.
Okay. Next up, you're done, right? That was your
bonus? Yep, that was all. Okay, flea stick, your
turn. He's now in the door, like almost to the
doorway. You just saw lightning flash and absorb
it. Does the flying have a connection to him?
It's a scrying pool to see through. So if I hurt
the flying, it's not going to hurt him? No. I
mean, you wouldn't know. All right. Can't save.
Ooh, 17 minus 1. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Yeah, minus 1. All right. Uh, my index
was 16. So... That's how he passes. Yeah. All
right, so, uh... My spiritual weapon. All right.
Sure that'll hit. Ooh, 6 plus 8. No. That one
will not. It did ruin my plan earlier. Because
I was going to throw a lightning javelin at him
immediately after. But it was like, nope. Not
doing that. All right, Ms. Muffin, it's your
turn. It's face to face. Lightning bolt flew
past your head and he absorbed it. Yep. Took
a sword to the chissy and took it. Yeah, you
see Duke stabbing his chissy. You guys are like
head to head now. Like heads are touching each
other. I'm going to run my ass back across the
ceiling for five feet. To him? No, he's to you
now. Oh, he's right to me? Yeah, he ran up and
tried to hit you earlier, but then he missed
both, and then Duke attacked him. So now you
and Duke are like... He probably turned to face
me, but you're still like right above him. You
both are like, yeah. So if I reach out, I can
touch him? Like, what? You can just fucking tickle
his little cheek if you want right now. No, I'm
gonna... What kind of armor? Explain it again.
What kind of armor? Heavy, big armor. Like, lots
of armor. I mean, imagine you're on the ceiling
and your heads are like this. Okay, but I'm...
Look at it. Here. This is it. That's not me.
My little dagger can't get past it. Does he have
a hole in his faceplate? There's a little hole
right in the middle. Put it in there. I'm going
to dagger him into the eye slit of his helmet.
Okay. His fussy. Yeah, his fussy now. His fassy.
It actually kind of looks like a... Look at this.
Now it does make sense when you say fussy. 17.
Oh, that's for sure a fussy. It's a fussy. 17.
17 to dagger his eye. No, his fussy. His fussy.
Yes, you get... Because it's in the middle. Yes,
you get his fussy. Is he a Cyclops? I don't know.
I think he's like... Where's his cross? I think
it's like knights. A knight. 10 damage. Oh. 10
damage? Hey, you did a big one again. Okay. Anything
else? You gonna disengage and run? No, I'm gonna
use my offhand dagger to get the other fussy!
He's only got one fussy. Oh, he's got one in
the back. He's got a back fussy. 19 plus 4 to
hit. Yes. We discovered he's got a hole in his
helmet that looks like a fussy. 11 damage. 11
damage. Damn. Okay. Good deal. Good deal. Alright.
How's his turn? Now he's blind. That's not good.
Alright. He's blind now. He can't see. Oh, he's
definitely can see. I stabbed him in his fussies
with so much damage. He's blind. He's gonna do
his slam attacks. He's got safety glasses on.
No, he doesn't. He's going to try to hit you,
Miss Muffin. That's a fucking two plus seven.
Yeah, because he can't see. He's going to try
to hit you, Duke, with the other fist. He's going
to swing a chain up, multi -attack back at the
one at the bottom. Since when is that allowed?
Nineteen plus seven. Since when the fuck is that
allowed for him to just be like, I'll just fucking.
It's a disadvantage. I don't know, maybe. He
might be able to. I've never heard of it, but
I guess it's possible. I'll take it. How much
damage is it? I don't know. I'm going to have
to look into that one. Because actually, it doesn't
do much. That would be super cheese if you surrounded
it. You'd just be like, you, you, you. What the
fuck? I'll be honest. I think it is just one
person. Because multi -attack happens all at
once. It's already cheese enough that he gets
to hit more than once. So, yeah, it would be
at you, Kelly. Missed nothing. It's all right.
Technicalities. Okay, but you have to roll at
disadvantage. I'm on the ceiling and you can't
see. Okay, you're right. You're right. So you
got a 14 plus 7. Wait, he's blind? That's rude.
That one hit. Okay. 8. But wait, aw, shit, uncanny
dodge. You can uncanny dodge one of them, I think,
isn't that what it is? I thought you only hit
with one. Oh, yeah, yeah, you can uncanny dodge
it. Sorry. What does that do, half it or something?
Yeah. Okay, so I rolled max damage, so it's 8
plus 8. Plus four. Sixteen plus four? Yes. Put
half of it, so ten damage. Yeah. Yeah, I love
you, but I can't even... I almost forgot to say
it. I was like, say it out loud, not your head!
Rehash. Okay, that's his turn. I suppose I will
continue to sword that fool in his chussy. So
I got a fool in his chussy, man, if I can. What's
the chussy? The chussy is the hole where he absorbed
his lightning spear. Why are there so many names
like this? Well, it was more like he hit him
in the chest with a spear and it fucking, or
he hit him with a spear and it fucking just,
he was like, absorbed it. So that's what he does.
His body absorbs it. He's not nice. We'll call
this one a reckless one. Oh, that'll do it. 19
plus 8 again. 19 plus 8? Yes. Yeah. What the
fuck? 1 plus 6 again. What's happening? Why are
they hitting so hard? Well, second attack. Do
you got beans in your butt? That is 14 plus 9.
I'm sure that's a hit. That is 3 plus 6. Three
plus six? It's not a one. All right. Good deal.
All right, Miss Muffin, your turn again. What?
Yeah. What about flea steak? Oh, flea steak,
your turn again. Sorry. I meant to say you. I
guess I'm sacred quite a bit again. All right.
Sacredita flima. Seven minus one. No. All right.
Give me damage. Spicy pepper flame. Seven plus
four. So 11 damage. Okay. All right. Now my spiritual
weapon is going to hit, hopefully, 15 plus eight,
I'm sure. That'll do it. So 1d8 of damage. Or
1d8 plus 5, I'm sorry. So 7 plus 5... What is
it? 12. Alright. You're seeing this thing weakened.
He's really hurting. Armor's starting to break
shit off. Starts falling off. It's his turn,
so he's going to get one more desperate slam.
It's going to go for you this time, dude. Go
ahead, fuck him. Roll with disadvantage because
he still can't see. 12 plus 7 on the first one.
No, you gotta roll with disadvantage. 11 plus
7 on the second one. He can see, you dog. I stabbed
his eye. That one's a hit, too. Okay. 4, 5, 5,
4, plus 4. 9 plus 4, 13. Halfed, because I'm
in rage. It's physical. Yeah, physical damage.
So, what do you want to call it? Round up? Yeah,
sure. Now I'll roll damage for the next one.
7 damage. First attack. Alright, you got four
again, and one plus four, so five plus four for
the second attack. Five plus four for the second
attack? Yeah. Okay. And half that, so round over
here. Okay. Okay. Finally, he hit some shit.
But it's back to you. His chains are, like, getting
loose, hanging off his arms. Really? Really?
Really? Well, I'm going to attempt to stick my
Greek sword in his fussy this time. Give him
the fussy. Not in my fussy. Let's see. That is
a 14. Total? Yes. That one won't hit. Okay, next
one. We're going to do reckless on that one.
That was a pretty reckless decision. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Let's see. How is a 16? Nope. What the
shit? Fuck him. All right. You can fuck off.
Uh, flea stick. It's up to you. You know what's
up. All right. Learned his weakness. Oh, 19 minus
1. Oh, I don't know. I'm just kidding. You're
good. All right. Let's pitch a weapon. 19 plus
8, something. Yeah. Yeah Six plus five eleven
your shield beats this armor down. He's just
You're seeing the helmet like caving in like
the insides of them are just kind of like turning
the bush and the ground, you know Yeah, it's
a big hell. That's useless Okay Fuck, we should
have XP from all the other shit we just did.
Yeah, you will. I've been kind of gathering it
from this dungeon. So, yes, he falls. Now, what
would you like to do? I want to investigate his
potty. I want to raid him. His potty. I want
to raid him. Give me an investigation check.
I'm going to stick my hand in his juicy. It's
wet. What do you have? 20 -some. Nat 20? Yep.
Okay, hang on a minute. He came. I came. He touched
his chussy too good. His corpse quivers in ecstasy.
Roll me a... D100. Ooh. Is that it? We were rolling
that big bad boy? Yeah, you can. Oh, okay. I
was going to say, I don't want to do it. I want
to roll the big one. Oh, did you hear that? You
heard that crowd, right? Peeps. 47. That was
Ryan's football number. Really? Did we all roll
it? No, just Ryan. Aw. He was one search in the
body. This is what he finds on the body. Oh,
okay. So you find another horn. You're just good
at finding horns. This is the Horn of Valhalla.
So you can take a magic action to blow this horn.
In response, warrior spirits from the plain of
Ysgard appear in an unoccupied space within 60
feet of you. Each spirit uses the Berserker stat
block and returns to Ysgard after one hour or
when it drops to zero hit points. Damn. Okay.
Hold. Okay, hang on, hang on. Yeah, you're...
No, roll me another D100, actually. Eleven. Eleven?
So this is a silver horn. Um, it doesn't require
any requirements. Okay, good. So, yeah. Alright,
so two horns. You got horn of Valhalla. He's
over there collecting all kinds of horns. You
got the horn of blasting or something too? Yeah.
Is it a legacy? I don't know. Whichever. Alright.
Alright. And a silver horn? It's the silver horn
is what it is. The horn of Valhalla is the silver
horn. Oh. Yeah. I thought I got two. I rolled
one. I rolled twice. It was which type of horn
it was. Eww. Gotcha. All right. So what would
you guys like to do? Go west or go north? Least.
Whichever direction the dude was coming from.
He was coming from the west. I'll go that way.
Okay. I'll follow. All right. Open it and it
looks like an office. Open the door. I'll rummage
it. I'm on the ceiling still. Rummage. You're
just crawling through the ceiling, okay? So yeah,
as you kind of walk in, candles dimly illuminate
a cluttered office. A skeletal songbird rasps
at you from a filthy cage in one corner. The
other furnishing including a wooden writing desk
and a tall black chair. Anatomical drawings sketched
in charcoal hang on all the walls behind the
desks. Seated in the chair, It's the shriveled
corpse of a humanoid wearing moldy robes and
a bronze mask, sculpted to look like a frowning
visage. Around the figure's neck hangs a black
skull -shaped amulet and a number of severed
hands crawl on the desk and floor around him.
It's just like little hands, just like... Like
Thane? Yes, like Thane. Okay, that's fucking
creepy. They don't seem to like notice you or
like paying attention to you, but they're just
kind of like moving around him. They will when
I take that mask and amulet. We're going to say
I'm probably out of rage right now, right? Can
I just scoop them all up on my spiritual level?
Wait, the hands technically are dead, so just
your undead thingy. Yeah, can I turn the undead?
Is that considered undead? Is that considered
undead? Yeah, I think they're undead, but...
I don't see what happened. Sorry. You had to
put some timber in. All right, let me see if
I even have that. Yeah, so, okay, sorry. Go ahead.
I was just reading on what happens to this guy.
So what are you going to do? I'm going to turn
them bitches. Well, I grabbed the amulet and
mask. Okay, as you reach out and grab it, he
kind of, like, wakes up and looks at you and
he goes, What are you doing here? I don't be...
He's gonna take your shit. Take my shit. Do you
know who I am? No. I punch him in the fucking
face really fucking hard. You see where the hands
come running up and just like lower you back
down. He goes, we're gonna be calm, friends.
Destroyer. Because in this place, you're not
in control. I'm not in control. He goes, I am
the Withers. Withers, you've probably heard of
my work. Fuck. And he... These hands kind of
crawl around. They're, like, pointing at all
of his, like, stuff on his desk as he's talking
about his work. Fuck Willis. He goes, uh... Fuck.
He says, um... So, what are you doing here? That's
none of your motherfucking business. Destroy
Undead. Destroy Undead? Is that what you're doing?
Are you casting that in secret? It might work
on... I don't know. I think it's, like, critical.
Just do it. What do we want to do in the background?
Uh... At fifth level? Fifth? Oh, fuck. It kills
things at 5th level, or does it say it kills...
At 5th level, when an undead fails its saving
throw against your turn, undead creature is instantly
destroyed if it's a CR or half or lower. Yeah.
Half? That's like nothing. That's like skeletons
and shit. Okay. Sorry, crowd. Never mind. Sorry,
crowd. He decided against it. He calmed the magic.
Yeah, he wants to know. You're just going to
tell him none of your business? Well, what are
you doing here? I'm trapped here. Why? My ass
-a -rack. I'm loyal to him. The ass -a -rack.
How much damage does my explosion pop for off
my rage? Not a lot. Damn. It's like a D8, maybe.
It's the only ALE I got. It's a demon. Why are
you trapped here, though? I'm doing work. I'm
studying. For? My things. What things? Answer
more openly. Listen, I am here to make creatures.
I don't care about the beings of what you do
in life and what you care to do in your life.
It's all up to you and your decisions. Did he
say beings? Beings. Beings. Beings. So, I strongly
advise you to leave this place before you're
trapped in this place. I'm trapped. I've been
live for so long. Yes, but I'm trapped here now.
So I advise you to get out. But be careful. If
you go to the room to the north here, it's full
of angry, shitty little dwarfs. Little tomb dwarfs.
Nasty creatures. We already have a dwarf. They're
using my studies, is what we're doing, and they're
building golems. I'm assuming like the one you
spotted on the floor outside my door. So, do
with that what you will, but I advise you to
leave the way you came in. As I turn to walk
out, I grab the bird. Okay. The Cajunal. Okay.
Uh, what would that be? Stealth check? See how
quietly you can take it? I don't care to do it
quietly. Yeah, okay. Give me... Okay, yeah, you
do it, and he, um... Actually, I have something
for this. So yeah, you grab this birdcage, just
yank it off, and he goes, You can have the rasping
shitty bird! Anything that you take from this
place will instantly turn to dust and teleport
back here anyways the moment you walk out the
door. What if he's lying? This door? No, the
main door. The dungeon. Let's take him! Let's
take him! Let's take him! Let's take him! Let's
do it and try it. What happens if I kill every
living thing in this dungeon? After a day, they'll
all respawn. Oh. Okay. So you're telling me I
could kill you over and over and over and over
and over again if I really wanted to? Essentially,
yes. I mean, yeah. You could. That's interesting.
Essentially. Alright, see you later. He's like,
goodbye. So, what would you guys like to do?
I'm just going to sit the bird down. I believe
him. Alright. I'm going to North Room. But first,
I will drink another potion. I also need to drink
a potion. You want one? I have? No. I have my
own, bitch. I have a great one. Good, superior
one. Very nice. You should have healing greater.
Yeah, go for it. What is the rolls for it? 44
plus 4. I guess we could do a wrist. We should.
We should do that before I drink my pot. 4d4
plus 4. I mean, I'm only half ill, so I wouldn't
mind it. We need to do a long one. 4d4 plus 4?
If we do a long one, they will respawn all the
monsters when we wake up. So if you want to take
a short one, that's fine. I'll shorten it. So
where do you guys want to do this at? you're
gonna do it like in the stairwell you're gonna
go back to where there's you know see what's
uh i'm thinking like the stairwell before the
north room like the crumbled up one like where
it was kind of yeah we're okay yeah like kind
of where we didn't really engage anything other
than the guard when he started walking that's
fine if you want to kind of post up that way
nothing would possibly respond there that we
know of for a short rest yeah we're going back
to the gray site what happens yes back to the
side of grace back to the side of grace to rest
Yeah, we've got a level. Yeah, so go ahead and
take a short rest. What do you gain from a short
rest? You can use hit points. Or your hit dice.
I did a short rest and it didn't give me shit.
So you have to choose if you want to use hit
die. So you should have seven because I think
it's based off your level. What are they worth
though? I forgot. It should tell you. Is that
what yours says? Your hit die? How many hit die
do I get? Mine says 7d8 plus 21 if I use all
of them. So at 7th level... So I can use all
of what? Yeah, you get 1d8 per cleric level.
So you can do all of them at once. You can do
some of them. Like if you want to use... Because
you have 7, so if you want to use like 4, you
can roll 4d8s instead of 1. When do I get them
back? At long rest? Yeah. Oh, shit, okay. Can
I just roll them all, then? Yeah. If you want
to roll a 12, you can. Or a 7. Is that a bad
idea? Where'd you find to see their value? Uh...
Oh. Oh, I don't know. I just clicked a little
fire pit for it. I'll use it in the end. I'll
say, I don't actually risk it yet. So, what happens...
I'll have to do it, though. Here's the D12. What
happens when you roll and your value's higher
than your health? Do you get to pocket extra
health? No. You don't get over health, I don't
think. Well, I wrote a 65 in my house. Well,
yours is a D8. So yeah. Damn, 38. Jesus. Holy
crap. So you rolled what? A 65. How many did
you roll? All of them. All seven? Okay. I'm going
to use four, woman. All right. How many helps
you do? I don't know. I was just... I said, did
you just roll right away? Shit, woman. You're
crazy. I asked so many times, nobody answered,
so I just did it. Well, I used four, and it gave
me 38, and I only needed, like, 14. I should
have used less. One. Yeah, I'm going to use two
next time. Two. What the fuck? Good thing you
used this thing. I have my last one. Nice. Okay,
so that's 15 and nine, so 24 on top of 31. 55.
All right. Yeah. I'm almost full. Yeah, you take
a little nap. You wake up and you notice that
nothing has respawned. There's still a dead body
laying in there. Oh, I feel so rejuvenated. So,
what would you like to do? Go to the north room?
Check on some dwarves that you told you? Yep,
I'm juiced up. Ready to fucking clap. See you
in a little bit. So I'll be punting those little
fuckers. So you enter this room, there's like
old wooden benches and shelves along the walls
of the chamber, and they're all covered with
gears and chains, trapped components, cages filled
with rats. There's lit iron braziers that hang
by chains from the ceiling. Along the north wall,
a steeped, I don't know how you say that, raised
diaz? Diaz? Die? Diaz. There's like a thing.
Diaz. A raised little spot. Like a step, basically.
A step higher. It is set with a bulky contraption.
It looks like an Iron Maiden attached to a network
of steaming pistons, tubes, and bubbling vats
of blood. And there are five masked dwarves that
are operating in this room. These don't look
like normal dwarves. Like, they are fucking jacked.
Um, they're all carrying, like, great axes on
their backs. They've got these big green, like,
horn demon head looking masks on. I really hope
that's not a weapon. My bananas. Um, they've
got, like, where you would, where it sees, like,
leather belt straps and stuff. They've got tools,
but their gauntlets are all covered in skulls.
Invisibility cloak. They look like space marine
type people. How do I get powered up like this?
I have a feeling that Iron Maiden thing moves
and will try to attack us. I put my invisibility
cloak on. Well, withers did tell you that this
is where they make the golems. The creatures.
Okay, hold on. They're all those bastards. Yeah,
this is the good steam shit running to it. There's,
like, tubes and shit and, like, vats of blood
all, like, hooked up to it and bubbling. Okay.
Yeah, so you enter this room and they all kind
of just do this, like, like, net crick, like,
look at you. And, like, one of them walks forward
and he's doing, like, like, hand signals at you.
What do you do? Do the gag on the middle finger.
Give him the middle finger. He looks back at
his guys and does like the, like slams his fist
together, makes an X and then slides his hands
away and like does some other hand signals and
stuff. I do the suck it. Yeah. He turns back
to you and he does it back to you. And then.
turn around it's begun here we go they get back
into their work so you can tell that they're
not like what the fuck he's like you passed yeah
they're not here to like fight they just he's
not they don't speak too much all right for now
we're just gonna check shit out i guess look
around okay since we're allowed to take a tour
He's like, don't go in there. They're fucking
savage. We're just like, middle finger? Suck
it. This guy knows his stuff. Back to work. These
guys are cool. Okay, so what would you like to
do as they go back to working on these machines
and stuff? I want to see how I can get this armor.
You want to get their type of armor? Yeah. Skulls
and stuff? So who are you going to talk to? The
one that talked to you? Or talked to him? You
going to talk to him? I don't think they speak.
Unless you know Dwarvish sign language, don't
I? You know Dwarven. You could try speaking Dwarven,
but you don't know what's going to happen. I
have... Skull. I know. Fringa is like five beers
or something. Is there a such thing as the dark
dwarves? Hey, I have Skull. I give up. That's
a two intellectual. I have Skull of Comprehending
Languages. Oh, yeah. That would work. I give
it to Flea Stick. Can I have that last pizza?
Yeah. We can cook another one. I want more too.
Pause. He's been saying he's hungry for like
forever. I'm sorry. All right, what was this?
I give you the scroll of comprehending languages.
Ooh. You didn't pop it. You just pop it. Okay,
what are they? Is that spell an area of people
or one target person? I think it's whoever hit
the caster. I think it's whoever put it on. Okay,
I'm going to use that. What these guys have to
say. Okay, so you put it on and you instantly,
your hands know how to move to speak their language.
We'll speak in English. It's straight L .A. street
language. Yeah, it's straight up, like, gang
signs. It's a jailhouse sign. Yeah. Essentially,
what are you wanting to say to him? What do you
want to talk about? Exactly. I forgot. Is there
any way I can get any of this armor you guys
wear? He, like, looks at his arms and stuff,
and he points at some... I need a buff up. He
points at some gears and stuff, and then he hands
you, like, this big bucket of oil. Tools. You're
a dwarf. Figure it out. No, he's putting you
to work. He said oil up them gears. I go up and
I oil up some gears for this guy. Yeah, you can't
stop free. So, yeah, you're going to go oil up
some gears? Yeah, I'm going to do whatever these
guys say until I need to get buffed up. Tell
your prisoner. No, I'm not. Give me a... What
would that be to work on? I don't even know how
you do this. Strength, probably, to hold the
bucket oil. Yeah, give me a strength athletics
check. It would have to be athletics. Because
it's just a physical test. Yeah, so you're not
trying to dump this bucket over the floor. Is
it athletics or strength? It's the same. It's
a strength base. You can put your athletics.
All right. If you're skilled in it. So that is
a... I got a 11. 11? Okay. So I'll say, like,
good enough to dump the oil. Decent enough to
pour the oil into the gears and getting them
all greased up and stuff. Um, so, what are you,
you gonna go back to him now? Be like, what next,
man? What next, man? He goes, like, gives you
a little, like, chest pump. Uh, and he looks
around for a second and he looks down at his
belt and he pulls off, like, his hammer and he
gives it to you and then he hands you some skulls
and, like, pieces of, like, metal and stuff and
then he points to, like, the blacksmith forge.
He's basically saying, like, here's the supplies,
here's the supplies, can you make it yourself?
Let's see if I can do this. Alright. Are you
proficient in blacksmithing? I know, you were
like beer drinking. No, I don't think so. I don't
know. Where did I find that? He's not a blacksmithing
dwarf. Where did I find this at? You could probably
trade them booze. And they'd make you whatever
I bet. He like pulls all the shit out of his
backpack. He's like, I'm building up a steel
right now. Where did I find this at? Yeah, let
me look at... What are you looking for, Joseph?
Father. Okay, here we go. Okay, so I need you
to give me a strength and a dexterity check.
Let's do that. Okay? Yep. Please take. Because
strength, because you're going to be using these
hammers to like... kind of beat on to this stuff
and forge it and then dexterity to kind of carve
it and mend it the way it needs to be. Five.
And thirteen. Five on the strings? Yeah, and
thirteen on the decks. Okay, so I'll say that
you were able to strap your skulls and bones
to like the gauntlets, but the hammering and
forging of it wasn't so good, so it's still like
bent and like weird. So it won't fit on, but
you've got the pieces to get it built, but it's
just not. It just needs reshaped. Yes, it needs
reshaped. I'm going to call my brother and help
me. This dwarf guy? Yes. I'd ask him if he's
got any tips to improve your workmanship. Give
me a persuasion check. You should probably tell
him that you're a brewing expert as well. Am
I, though? I can't find it. I would say so. You
had to have had a skill that comes with almost
every race. Like, a human always has a musical
instrument they're proficient in and shit, I'm
pretty sure. Or a tool. How do I find this? Yeah,
I think I can get it. I don't know. I'd definitely
play it to your strengths. Or take some of their
trash and be like... You got Smith tools, so
you're good at proficiency. Yeah. You can add
your proficiency. Hey, you can do that. Find
some of their trash laying around and be like...
Yeah, you've got a proficiency. Add my own trashy
essence. So actually, you would add your proficiency
bonus to what you did. So you would have had
a plus three to your roll. So it would have been
five plus three. So eight. So an eight and 15
plus... So eight and 18? Yeah. Or you can make
it like a pristine trash hammer out of... I mean,
he is a trash man. Just do what you want to do,
what you say to him. So what are you going to
say to him as you return with this? You can turn
and persuade him, I guess, just to see if that
works. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're asking for tips?
Is that what you did? Yeah. Yeah. Persuasion?
What was it? I forgot what I rolled. I don't
know if we can roll that. I don't think you did.
Do it persuasion. I think we got talking on the
other options before that. Okay. Yeah, we'll
skip that. All right, bad roll. Bad roll? Two.
He looks at it, and he just kind of like shakes
his head, and he kind of like waves his hand.
You're getting the sense that he's telling you
from his hand signals to either try again on
yourself or to get someone to help you because
he's not going to do it. All right, so. I'll
give you one more strength check if you want
to try and mend it back to normal, and this will
have your proficiency bonus, so it'll be rolled
correctly. So that's a 12 plus 2, 14. Okay, yeah.
I'll say you're able to bend it and mend it to
your fit. It might be a little dented. It doesn't
look pristine, but it fits. Not master class.
Yes. So I'll say you have these skull -looking
gauntlets strapped to your arms and shit, to
your wrists. Maybe it just looks like you beat
it off of a warrior. Yeah, it looks like a mini
space marine. Yeah. All right. Anything else
you'd like to do with this place? I'm going to
look around and see if anything sticks out, really.
Obviously, the Iron Maiden, which I'm not stepping
anywhere near. Okay, so... And after that, I
might have you ask them what the fuck that thing
is. The Iron Maiden thing in the middle of the
room with all the steadplates. I mean, it might
be how they produce golems. He might not tell
you at all. Maybe I can wear it as a suit. Uh,
well, as soon as you put it on, it's gonna shank
the fuck out of you. Okay, so... So, uh, yeah,
what would you like to do here? You're looking
around the room? Yeah, to see if anything's stuck
out. So, give me a perception check. Okay. Perception.
I'm sitting in this chair. Oof. Uh, trace. Okay,
so... Where are we gonna find this thing? This
is kind of hard to miss. You're finding when
you look around you see the forge because that's
kind of like the main big thing you're looking
through in this room where you see stuff and
you're seeing a Alchemist supply and a smith's
tool like kit on there sitting next to it So
that's not it. I'm not gonna give you all this
stuff Alchemist tool obviously used to make you
know poisons, potions, whatever. Yeah. You trying
to kill me? To use your own on the go, like in
camp, you need to use Smith tools to try and
do some stuff, you can. Oh. Alright. So, is there
anything I'd like to do? Anything else? You can
ask him about that Iron Maiden thing, I guess,
since you can speak the fucking sign language.
Maybe it's something interesting. Yeah. I will
ask. He asks. Okay. He says, yeah, that's where
they build the golems. That's where they build
them inside of that. They generate them. They
put them together. And they build them until
they're ready. And then they open up. Could you
make me a suit out of golems? No. No. He said
you would be a golem. He points at it like...
You want to go in it? No, I'm good. Why did you
give them a chussy? The chussy is there to absorb.
Understood, understood. It charges them up and
makes them stronger. I'm learning the language.
Yeah, he's naturally learning that. I'm adapting
to it. It's that hood street stuff, you know
what I mean? I grew up with a lot of sign. All
right. Very simple. Anything else you guys want
to do in this? Leave. Leave the fuck out of here?
As they pound on their chest of sea. I'm curious
if I can get them to do some work for me, maybe.
Like what? What do you want? Like, strengthen
my sword even further than plus one. My green
sword, maybe. What do you want me to do? Spoof
it up. So you'd have to communicate through.
I know, and I'm thinking of what I have to offer
that they would want, you know what I mean? You'd
have to offer me a little something. You know
what's funny? We both have a hoard of Valhalla.
Yeah. I have one, too. I thought someone's gotten
it before. Let's see. Oh, damn. I'm looking at
something that's blacksmith interest, something
they would like. Not Mr. Riddle's head. I don't
think they're interested in that. What about
your demon sword? That's not a demon sword anymore.
That's not anymore. That was when it was my arm.
Oh, yeah, that's imbued in you. Yeah, he's the
demon. He's part of them. They fused. Let's see.
Math? All right, then you can try it. Fuck. That's
your stash, dog. He'll be working on it. Well,
I don't have much of a desire for it anymore
now that I'm demonic. You're a demon, though,
so that's kind of weird. It's like a party stash
now. I give him like a half gram. You know, see
what he thinks about it. I think he'll make some
good equipment. How are you going to convince
him to take the drugs? They seem pretty energetic
to begin with, so I don't know if they'll be
wanting that. Fuck, I don't know what to offer
him. I'm hit. I got a decent warhammer. I don't
use all that much. They can't have my trench
knife. That's grandpappy's. Emerald Furry, that's
a fire weapon. I like having that. What do they
want? Tell him I'll offer him my warhammer if
he's willing to strengthen my greatsword in return.
Or enhance it, I guess. Please reinterpret. There
you go. Yeah, he looks at this like, what kind
of, what is it? Warhammer? Yeah, it's right up.
It's a Warhammer. Plus eight does one D10 plus
five. Okay, so he looks at it. He looks at his
axe that's like dripping with like nastiness
and grossness. And he looks at it. And he goes
over to the forward. You see him like. Ding,
ding, ding, ding. Starts beating this Warhammer
into his, like, axe. Now he's got, like, a fucking
crazy Warhammer axe. He looks at you and he's
like, like, he doesn't hand just, like, give
me. Like, he'll take it and roll something real
quick since it's already a specialist. He's a
baller. I like this guy. Okay, so, yeah, I will
say it will go up one if you want. Plus two,
Dad. Plus two. Nice. Because he rolled really
good on his Smith to whack you. So what else
would go up with that? Attack bonus? I think
it's just the attack. Yeah, so you don't get
plus two to attack or whatever. Is that a plus
one? Nice, I'll take that. Alright. You mean
plus ten? Nah. Alright, are we done in this place?
Yeah, that's all I could find, but hey, I heard
him slip up. He said that all I could see with
my roll was just that one alchemy set. tool thing,
but if someone rolls better than a fucking three,
I'm looking around, there might be someone. All
right, I'll look around. Nobody lose. I'm winning.
Except the balls. You did, we did. Good job.
You dropped as soon as his back hit the ground.
Wait, what do you... Eleven. Do you add anything
to a loot search? Perception. Oh, perception?
Twelve. You guys might get you something. Okay,
I got an 18. 13 plus 5. Make him cough up the
goodies. Okay, so you find thieves' tools, some
masons' tools, and you find this lantern that's
just got this ghostly glow. It's like green.
Probably always on. It never burns out. That's
what you find together in this place. The ghost
lantern, thieves' tools, masons' tools. Can I
have the feedstools? You have it all. You can
have the... The lamp is going to be helpful in
a really dark place, believe me. If it never
burns out and it's just always got green light.
But what if it just fucks with you all the time?
Feedstools! What else? Does it make noise? Just
like this ghostly glowing... It doesn't make
noise, though. It doesn't make noise, yeah. It's
just a glowy green lantern. It's the whole time
you're holding it, it's like, you back? Yeah,
it's like, you back? All right, so did you get
it done in this place? Yeah, may as well be.
Leave? Yeah. All right. So, you go towards your
exit that you came in to this bad bitch. Uh -oh.
No uh -ohs. I mean, kind of, but not big uh -ohs.
So, as you step out... should have told the dwarves
that that withers fucker called them bitches
so as you step out the red gem that was mended
to your your thing turns to dust and disappears
and teleports back to the place and as you're
kind of stepping out you're hearing that little
little demon thing that was attached to you he
goes you son of a bitch you're leaving the door
and you feel him just get like ripped off of
you and pulled out of your place So what else
did you grab off of? This is all things that
were back. Where's my genie? Genie's not here
yet. Those are fine. It's just certain things
that were particular to where they were at and
who they were from. Not the arm armor. No, because
you forged that yourself. What about the thing
you picked up off the big guy? What's my attributes?
Yeah, your Horn of Valhalla. That's what it was.
You feel it kind of fade away and teleport back
to the other guy you got. I guess that was for
using on the fucking dwarves. Your shield that
you took and wrapped the stuff around. Yeah,
it goes. And fades to the wall. No, you still
got all of your potions, your XP, and you got
the genie to go find stuff for you. It's supposed
to still. We still have the thieves tools. Take
the work away. Yeah, but you step out a little
bit stronger, a little bit more powered up, and
a little bit extra gear. To go find the second
sword. We're a lot of it hungry. This episode
of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss
Muffin, Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal, Ryan Tucker
as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan Hayes as
the DM. The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan
Hayes. The artwork for Dummies with Dice, created
by Al Sorenson, can be found on Instagram under
A -R -C -S -I -0. The theme song is The Intense
Fiddle by Ben Caldera. When it comes to Dummies
with Dice, you can find our website on rss .com
slash podcast slash Dummies with Dice and on
Facebook at Dummies with Dice. Most importantly,
join our Patreon at patreon .com slash Dummies
with Dice for free or for $3 monthly to gain
access to a Discord and bonus content. Come back
in two weeks for new episodes of Dummies with
Dice.