Thank you. Hey, it's your Dummy Master, Tristan,
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code thank you w energy Dear warning, use of
violence profanity, rude humor, and the portrayal
of frantic alcohol use. I always like how you
have that little backup use there. Welcome to
Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons & Dragons actual
play podcast that follows three not -so -average
dummies of our world that get caught up in a
magical storm and are transported to the world
of Dungeons & Dragons. I almost said four dummies
again. Okay, so... I am Tristan Hayes and I am
your dummy master and the question of the day
today today of the day is going to be what item
do you hope will be obsolete in 20 years so Duke
miss muffin and flea stick what item do you guys
hope would be non -existent not worthy in 20
years something that you wouldn't want to exist
miss muffin or your characters All cat haters.
All cat haters. I don't think it's an item. I
think it's people. People aren't items. Thong
flip -flops. Thong flip -flops. Duke's answer
is all minorities. All minorities. Jeez. We did
not do our intros. I just realized we just answered.
That's fine. Everybody's heard them. Yeah. You
know who we are. I'm me, and I play me. Duke's
the demonic fucking meth head. Well, actually,
he doesn't really feel like he needs to do meth
as much anymore. Yeah, he's got a different fuel.
Yeah, it's a bonus. It's the thing you use for
a tune -up when you really need to... This is
the Ducks show. Duke Crystal. The Octane Booster.
Yes. Duke Crystal's crazy. Please take Unforgettable.
Please take Unforgettable. Disgusting. He is
a trash month. He's the master of garbage. He's
got the old imprint. Trash? Okay, let's get into
the D &D. So, so, can you guess what I'm going
to say next? You're going to say, um... Who wants
to say it? Too late. Where we last left off...
You messed it up. Yeah, I got it. Where we last
left off, the dummies were going through the
Dungeon of Deception, and you guys had done quite
a few things. Opened up a zombie door with flea
sticks magic. Duke survived a wine room that
almost smashed flea stick in the door as well.
Miss Muffin, I think you just killed stuff for
the most part. I'm good on it. I think you've
been killing things. Dagger, dagger, dagger.
You found a secret door in the hallway where
you entered this room full of cauldrons and a
sarcophagus and a shield that had a hunter man
jump out that you blinded the shield by wrapping
something around it. So that's where we are.
You guys killed the skeletons, you looted the
thing, the sarcophagus on the chariot. And I
figured the fiddle out. You bowed to the faceless
for bowing to no one, correct? Good job. Except
Duke. He kind of faked it and lost it and then
almost attacked by a hunter's thing. So what
would you guys like to do? I'm sorry, no. Make
me a perception check. Oh, okay. You guys have
kind of cleaned up. That's not fair! Roll with
advantage? No. That is usually how it goes with
Miss Bones. Please, Master. Will we roll with
perception? 7, 5, 13. 6. 6? You got a what? 13.
13? Okay, so... Yeah, that's good enough. Okay,
so you, Felistic, you're kind of walking over
this room. You're kind of on the east end of
the room. And you're looking at these cauldrons
and kind of like, what's happened? And Miss Muffin
comes running up and trips as you're kind of
looking at this section of the wall here. And
she headbutts the shit out of this wall. And
you see this wall kind of open up. But, Ms. Muffin,
you're going to take three damage from your Nat
1s. Three damage. Point -bog concussion. Head
-butting a secret panel in the wall that at least
they technically found, but you Nat 1 it, so
you get to get hit in the head. So, yeah, you
find a secret tunnel that kind of opens up to
another room. Secret tunnel. Secret tunnel. So
you can go back the way you came, or you can
continue through the secret tunnel if you'd like.
You also know that there's a secret door outside
the room you just entered to the west end of
the hallway. So you kind of just got two secret
doors. Or back out of the dungeon. Do you remember,
did we take any short rests or anything? You
have not taken any short rests. You guys can
if you'd like, if you want to kind of set up,
but you are in a dungeon, so that's a dangerous
aspect. Do you want to do like shifts or anything?
Yeah, we need to do some healthy health. Especially
with my concussion. Ask me if you have a concussion
from hitting a stone wall. Let's drink one of
my greater healing potions. Yeah. Okay. It's
not all right. It's all right. Give it to you.
Eight, nine plus four. Forty -four plus four?
Yes. That's a greater. Yeah. Fair enough. How
hard was it? How much did you get back, Nick?
Thirteen. Not great. Oh, well, yeah, you got
a lot of health on you. Yeah, you can't, your
best roll would be twenty health, though. I got
sixteen all together. Nice. Decent. Decent. Okay,
well, you drank your potions. Slurred it. What
would you like to do? Move to the secret door
in the west of the hallway, secret door to the
east of this room, or back out of the dungeon.
I'm assuming back out of the dungeon is not going
to be the choice. The secret tunnels are fine.
Now it's just a matter of which secret tunnel.
You guys can split up or you can split together.
No, no, no. It's been dangerous so far in a way,
so if you do split up, you know that could be
dangerous. What's up to you guys? No splitting
up. Dangerous moment. We can roll for it. One
through ten, first door. I rolled no. Ten through
twenty, second door. Oh, that's fine. So you
guys are flipping a coin to see what secret door
you go through? Yeah, sure. We don't have a coin.
Nine. The first door. The first? The one that's
in the room with you? Okay. Okay, what order
are you guys going through this place? I just
want to make sure it's a tight spot. Middle.
I'm in the middle. Okay. I guess I'm in the front.
Alright. Let's see ancient cobwebs fill this
narrow corridor whose midpoint features an arched
alcove Within the alcove a dusty bottle stands
on a tape Are you wanting to take a closer look
at it? I blew on it. You going past it, dude?
I'm going to look around at the rest of the room.
I mean, it's just a bottle. Is it literally just
the roof of the bottle? It's a bottle and there's
a door at the other end, yeah. But the door's
closed, so you can open it or... I'll try to
check out of the door. Okay, so we'll do you
first, Flea Stick, since you're going to kind
of check out this bottle. All right. So you peek
down at this bottle and... You you see this small
woman inside the bottle. It's just old and dusty
not cryptid And you hear this muffled voice calling
out from inside of it. It's like Yelling you
can't really understand what she's saying because
he's like trapped in this bottle, but yeah Okay,
so All right, yeah you give me a We'll just be
dexterity or strength see how do give me dexterity
See if you can hang on like when you're shaking
this bottle like what kind of like happening
inside not me, please Yeah, I mean, you know,
what is the dexterity? Again your main page just
right there. Yeah 13. 13. Okay, so you're shaking
this bottle, but, like, you're feeling the pressure
of her, like, kind of bouncing off, and then
you're, like, nothing really happens, and she
kind of falls back down, and then you kind of
hear her get up against the glass, and she's,
like, speaking this weird language that you just
cannot understand. Say it again. Tell us what
it sounds like. I don't know. Try it. Terran
is what it's called. To you it sounds like gibberish.
Just like random letters coming out because you
can't understand anything that's happening. You
can just break the bottle. You can if you want.
Throw it against the wall. If you want to try
it. You can take an action too. It's not just
flea sticks thing. If you want to snag the bottle
out of his hands and do something you can. Yeah,
do it. I'm going to wait. Okay, so yeah, what
would you guys like to do? This thing speaks
gibberish at you because you can't understand
what it's saying. Should we let it out? Yeah.
I was talking to you guys. I can't see you. When
you say that, you see the woman inside shaking
your head. Yes. Up and down. Nodding. Are you
going to be a good little creature? You say it
like, do the like. Hands up to her face. She's
like... She's nodding vigorously like, yes. She's
too cute. Punches it. Knocks it out of your hand.
Can't wait for it to fly right in your eye socket.
Okay, give me your dexterity. Like the tooth
fairy. Yeah. A little creepy bastard. Chew right
in your skull. An eight? An eight. You try to
quickly punch it out of his hand and you miss.
That's not a great dexterity check. So yeah,
you tried to break it, and it's obvious that
you tried to break it. Break it! Break it! Probably
just pull the cover off. I'm just gonna pop the
lid off. Yeah. Okay, so you just pop that thing
off there, and this huge whirlwind of sand just
kind of like shoots out of this thing and fills
the room and hits the walls and just kind of
falls to the ground. And see what she looks like.
She comes out this one comes out and she's got
just like belly button piercing looks like a
genie Let me just say it looks like a genie so
She comes out and she see the spell kind of form
on her hands as magic and she shoots it at all
of you And you can suddenly understand her she's
she casted tongues So she you cast this and she
goes oh Oh yeah, I thank you guys so much for
letting me out of this stupid bottle. Since you
released me, I have to fulfill any promise that
you guys want, so what wish do you want? I'll
hold on to that. You'll hold on to it? Yeah,
you have to go with us now. She's like, so I'm
not going with you guys. I've been trapped in
that bottle, trapped by a douchebag named Aceract.
I'm assuming you guys have no idea about him,
because you would be a lot more in knowing of
what this place is. He's a demon, right? No,
no, he's not a demon. I can't really get into
that. I'm getting the fuck out of here. But since
you released me, it's my duty as a Dao to fulfill
your wish. So, yeah, what would you like? Can
I wish for two wishes? No, no, you can't. No.
Clever. Clever one. What if I wish for them to
have infinity wishes? Uh, no. And you're pissing
me off. So I'm going to let you... What if I
wish? We're just told we can't have one for two.
You can't get pissed off when we let you out.
Because I've been trapped in a ball for eons.
For a very, very... You know what eons are? A
long time. Just so... Yeah. Well... Well, what
if I wish for us to have the best armor in this
universe has to offer throughout the whole team?
So you want some really, really strong armor.
Is what you want? What do you think, guys? We
gotta really think about this. What's the catch?
Yeah, there's always a catch. What is the fucking
catch? Roll an insight check. Ain't nothing free
in this world. Please take. Roll an insight check.
Or D &D World. Eleven. Eleven. So you make this,
you fail, but... You feel this little that entity
does Attached to your body he kind of peeks his
little bird beak up to your ear and you just
hear him go You need to treat this down like
a servile lick spittle And he kind of like fades
back down into your shoulder and he sticks his
head out He goes it means treat her like shit.
She's a servant and then sticks his head back
down into your head That's uh, so that's why
you get out of your field I already got a plan.
You guys can do what you want. I got things set
in motion. In my brain. Do it. Unless the genie
tries to say that, you know. Oh, you can't do
that. I'm not making a wish yet. I'm waiting.
I'm trying to loophole a wish. She goes, okay,
so I see you guys are struggling to kind of come
up with an exact answer. We need some godly weapons.
She goes, so I'll give you a little bit of a
deal here of an understanding of what I can do.
She goes, so... Yeah, I can give you all of this.
And she, like, points at her, like, armbands
and stuff. And it's, like, sapphire coiled, like,
braided hair things, like, in her hair. And there's,
like, platinum armbands on her. She goes, I can
give you these and call it no wish. Or I can
give you your wish. She goes, that's up to you
guys. But she goes, I'm really, you know, been
here a long time. I'm ready to get out of here.
So if you guys want to make a choice, that's
fine. But let's try to get it before I get stuck
back in a bottle. That didn't really tell us
what you're capable of doing. Well, let's see.
I could take you anywhere you want to go on this
place. If you want to teleport somewhere, we
can do that. But if you're wanting to go out
of this realm, no, I can't do that. Take me to
my cat. Can I wish for you to be my personal
teleportation device throughout the rest of my
stay? Yeah. When we're done here, I'm gone. I
probably won't see you guys again. Unless, hey,
you find me another bottle. But I don't think
I'm going back in a bottle. I wish for you to
go find my cat and bring her back to me in one
piece. Bring her back to you in one piece. Alive
and healthy. So she says, I heard a wish. And
then you see her snap her hands and twist her
hands. And she goes, OK, I'm going to give you
one more wish. What do you guys want? But nothing's
happened yet. you just see her kind of do some
magic and then she goes more because my magic's
at work i have to track your cat and then i will
get your cat with the magic and bring your teeth
hazel so i thought no that's like one for the
group that's why when she said that i was like
what yeah so you get two wishes from her because
it's either you get her equipment or you get
two wishes what's her equipment though wish for
her to go back in the bottle no she said her
equipment or a wish each I'm trying to find a
loophole situation. I can't wish for two wishes.
I can wish for the genie to get back in the bottle.
Then we can pop the bottle again, and then we
get two more wishes. Because every time you pop
a genie out of a bottle. I don't know if it's
exactly what it's like. Because I don't think
it's like... Well, where are the genie balls?
Where is the genie balls? Where is the balls?
So it's not exactly a genie. It's a Tao. You
said she was. I just described it as a genie.
But it's like, it's a type of being that basically...
was trapped in this thing and she's giving you
guys a thing for helping her out of this model
like it's not so much genie scenario it's just
like she's helping you because you saved her
from being trapped in this bottle for you why
the hell the bird says treat her like a servant
mitch will be gone after this i know that's what
don't make sense he just means i think he was
more so meaning treat her like crap like it's
just a way i don't know it's just what he's this
is a shitty bird that's what he says so let's
see there's something huge but listen to him
but Hope you guys wish for whatever you want.
I'm over by the door. I already did. I was just
trying to loophole where we had an infinite genie
spell. I wish for the group to have godly weapons.
Godly weapons. With no negative side effects.
No negative side effects. So she kind of looks
at you and she's like, so godly defined how?
Because I can't, I'm not power enough to go literally
take a god weapon. So what do you mean by god?
You want me to bring you? a very very powerful
weapon or a couple very very powerful weapons
because you can do that but like if you're wondering
very very powerful okay i will i will bring you
two because miss lady over there got her wish
she goes so if you want to where's my cat well
i haven't done it yet is that fair awesome weapons
you all down for that wish Awesome weapons. She
goes, okay, alright, awesome weapons. I will
find you some good weapons, I promise that. And
you, I will do what I can. I will bring your
cat back, because I'm going to track her down.
And you see her kind of, like, waver magic and
do these, like, swirly, Doctor Strange, like,
symbols. She goes, but I'm out of here for now.
And she snaps her fingers, and you see her kind
of, like, do this, like, plane shift, like, phasing
out. And she goes, what the hell is that? Oh
shit, oh shit, oh shit! And then it just kind
of, like, phases off. That you see her kind of
disappear, so. Well, we ain't getting no shit
now. You might, uh, you might... I don't know
how to cut her up next time I see her. Somebody
gangbanger in the shadow realm. Yeah. Uh, yeah,
so you don't really know what happened to her.
You may know that she might show up, she might
not. But you know something might have gone wrong.
Well, I opened the door. Okay. When you open
this door, the air reeks of sulfur and brimstone.
On the floor of this chamber, a pentagram, a
pentagram, Traced in salt surrounds an ornate
sarcophagus. It's lid covered with figurines
of prancing frog -like humans. It's my cousin.
It's my cousin. What would you like to do? You
haven't entered the room. You just opened the
door, so... You're kind of looking in the door
and seeing just this... I should probably take
the lead on this one. This rivety pentagram.
Rivety sarcophagus inside of the pentagram. I'm
the only one that's got demonic properties. So
you're gonna enter actually you take these I
took lead last room. Yeah, well Duke you're gonna
have to either step in the room because I Will
step in the threshold and then step as you step
in the road one as you step You feel the entity
your entity that you're packed in with Binded
with he kind of like speaks to you through yourself
because you're kind of fused so his Self -conscious?
Yes, it's like a self -conscious thought, exactly.
So he goes, Duke, there's something in there.
And then that's the voice that kind of pops away.
That self -conscious thought. So that's all you
know, but what would you guys like to do? I guess
it's good having a demonica entity attached to
you sometimes to understand demonic powers. Well,
I'll let Ms. Muffin go ahead. Ms. Muffin, what
would you like to do as you see this? Salt -covered
pentagram area, circle drawn with salt with sarcophagus
inside with figurines of frog -like humanoid
creatures. What would you like to do? Not disturb
it. Okay. So... How so? Turning around and walking
out, or...? Letting Duke Crystal go ahead and
go first. I break one of the salt lines. Oh,
fuck! No! So, how do you do this? I told you
to take lead. I knew it was gonna happen. As
soon as you were like, someone else take lead,
I was like, if they don't, I know what's gonna
happen. Well, yeah, I mean, you wanted the glass
cannon, and now you're getting it. We're gonna
either die, or we're gonna win this fight. And
we're gonna get demonic shit, and I'm gonna take
it from you. Because I'm a demon. Because I'm
a demon. This is the hierarchy of demons. This
is how it works. yeah plus i don't want to step
in that salt circle are you saying you're kicking
the salt like breaking the outer line out of
line of it okay so you kick this uh outer line
of salt and you just see the whole thing kind
of like and like light up and disappear and there
was an invisible creature known as a gray slat
he kind of just forms inside this like center
and looks at you and immediately you see this
like hungry just like carnage filled like look
in his face He looks at you and just kind of
like fully takes the like let's fucking go so
I do the same stance Roll for initiative. Oh,
yeah, you guys asked for it. Oh, okay Oh, yeah,
oh, yeah 20 Ready I wouldn't roll for initiative.
It was 18 plus 2 6 five plus one i'm sorry this
is gonna get interesting oh it is oh i'm sure
he's tough you said he's invisible he was and
so he broke the line and then he was like so
he wasn't in the sarcophagus no he was not he
was outside of it just kind of stuck inside this
circle so this uh this creature forms and makes
this like primal carnage like stance to come
at you uh he looks like he's got he's a frog
he looks like a frog but humanoid bipedal with
long arms and huge like protruding talons like
coming out of his hands like just giant spiky
claws uh he's got like wing gill or uh what do
you call those fans like looks like a dilophosaurus
frill like on his uh armpits webbed arms yes
spikes down his back he is definitely a beast
so all right dude crystal initiative sorry 20.
Twenty. Fleece stick? Six. Six. Miss Muffin?
Eleventy. Eleventy. You got a two plus three.
He's hit. He's hit. Is he hit? Is he hit, boys?
Duke, you're first. All right. First takes first.
Rage. Rage. Okay. Fuck. All right. Miss Muffin?
And how far away is he? Because it's a five foot
radius around you, right? Yeah. So, Miss Muffin,
make me a deck save. I want to tell you, Miss
Muffin, you mess with big boys. Go watch your
own. 18. She's good. She slipped it. You slipped
it. You're good. You should know by now. When
I go into a stance like that, you just get out
of the way. It's coming. Okay. Yeah, you go full
demon pop, the flames erupt around you. It does
not reach him. He is not close enough to be hit
by the flames. So yeah, you pop your rage. What
would you like to do now? I'm trying to remember
what all extra stuff I have when I'm in rage.
I think I have it wrote down. I don't have like
a claw attack, I thought. Yes, you can. I don't
remember the stats on it. Yeah, you get claws.
You gain demonic rage, which is the same as rage,
but you turn into a large demon, form giant claws,
attacks, and you can fly. Yes. So the claws make
it 1d8 plus strength bonus for a claw attack,
like your unarmed strike, basically. Well, my
normal unarmed strike bonus is plus 8. Yeah,
so it would be that. One D10 plus eight. One
D8. Oh, one D8. Yeah, one D8 plus eight. Instead
of being an unarmed normal attack, you can use
your claws to do extra damage. All right. Okay.
So I'm going to go ahead with the sword. You
still can use your sword. Oh, yeah. I'm definitely
going to have a sword. All right. Take a swing
at him? Yeah. Move. Uh, does a 14 hit? 14. Probably
not. No. Nice. Second attack. Thunderclap. Oh
boy. That is all on him for the rolling. Well,
what do I do? I'll look at it one second. Each
creature in a five -foot emanation originating
from you must succeed a constitution saving throw
or take one, well, minus... 2d6 of thunder damage
so he needs to make a constitution saving yeah
let me check on what the save is 13 13 yeah uh
two plus three let's take a 2d6 then all right
does thunder clap do anything special like knocking
back does that like 100 foot sound like okay
i didn't know they destroyed like objects and
stuff i mean it is Thunder seven damage seven
damage You uh you blast this like thunderclap
of a Kind of hits him and you see like the frogs
don't have like super good hearing so the thunder
kind of like she rattles off of his head and
does a little less less damage so yeah dude of
course all right uh anything else i got something
else for you let's say i think you do yeah you
still got what are you still going so your turn
stuff no i use both actions all right miss muffin
your turn i don't know what to do did you heal
on the app or is that your health currently or
did you what's your health app 31 okay wow all
right your turn I'm gonna throw my own Cloak
of Invisibility on. Oh, okay. Okay, roll me your
stealth, Jack, with advantage. Stealthy. You
should've healed the fuck up more. With advantage.
16 plus 10, 26. 26? Good God. He's not gonna
fuck with me. No, no. You're invisible and you
were hidden good. And now, do I still get a bonus
action? I believe it was your action to use invisibility.
So you do get a bonus action, yes. Can I use
that to take a potion? Yes, you can. Let me see
if I still have one. Potion of healing 3, yes.
That's a potion of healing, so that one will
be... 2d4 plus 2. oh wait only two plus two so
seven okay better than none flea stick your turn
you're in the doorway you kind of being inside
the doorway averted the explosion of dew crystals
fiery so now you can kind of do what you want
when you step in i'll show you uh all right well
i'm a fire guiding bolt okay yeah he's 30 feet
from you so you can are you still doing it from
the doorway yeah i'm gonna step in here okay
all right step in here and give me a red bolt
Don't step on her hair. Fuck. 10. 10? No. Spiritual
weapon. In the shape of a frog giggy. Frog D?
Frog gig. Oh, frog gig. No. It's time to get
frog gigging. What the fuck? 12. Roll with advantage.
To hit? Yeah. No, when I hit. Shit, he has rules.
Oh, yeah. You guys are going to have to roll
high. Alright his turn and it looks like it's
new crystal up front good thing So Duke as you
get close to this this this slad gray slad frog
creature you notice a gem like lodged into his
forehead kind of just like glowing you see it
kind of like it looks almost like it's like manipulating
brain like it's like like you know what i mean
like fire neurons and stuff inside of it important
uh so yeah you see that so let's see what he's
gonna do all right so he's going to he's going
to do a multi -attack that's one bite two calls
okay three plus seven no call attack 6 plus 7.
Another claw attack. 19 plus 7. Okay, that is
1d10 plus 3 slashing damage. I'm glad he didn't
hit. 6 plus 3 damage from his claw. Luckily he
didn't hit with the other two attacks. In reaction,
I'm going to use Hellish Rebuke. Let's see. Yeah,
the creature that damaged you is momentarily
surrounded by green flames. It makes a dexterity
saving throw of DC 13, or it takes 2d10 fire
damage on a failed save and half as much on successful.
Okay. 14 plus 3. Yeah, successful. So you take
1d10. Okay. 1d10 halved. No, it was 2D10. Well,
I can do 2D10 and then half. So yeah, let me
check. You might get more of that. Yeah, yeah.
So 9, 4, so 13, half. We'll just call it 6. Alright,
yeah, the Hellish Rebuke is green flames, you
said? It is a frog type, which is aquatic. And
that's fire. Green flames, yeah. So I didn't
know if it would do increased damage on him.
What a turdball. So yeah, this green flame kind
of warps around him and he's kind of like squirming
in it as it's kind of just burning him. That
was your turn, correct? No, that was his turn.
So now it's your turn. Yes. Now I'm going to
take that greatsword and I'm going to swing it
right at his fucking dot on his head. His big
old crystal. His Jimmy. His jinnies. His family
jewel. His family jewel. 17 hit? No. What? Yeah,
no, it won't. I was like, what the fuck's he
marrying off? It will not. 17 won't hit? No.
Okay, we're doing it again. Okay. How about a...
Well, hang on. How about a 20 fucking four? Were
you trying to hit the jinn, or were you trying
to hit him? I was aiming for the gym, but if
it hit him in the fucking chin, I wouldn't really
care all that much. It missed him, but I didn't
know if you were trying to hit the gym specifically,
like trying to bust it, or if you were trying
to just... I mean, if I knock his head off...
That's too simple, so I just didn't know. I would
say the second one definitely hits him if you're
hitting him. Well, I mean, I was really aiming
for gym, I guess. All right, if you want to hit
the gym, you would hit him. Okay, then, yeah.
Okay. That's crazy he's got a gym going in his
forehead it's like controlling your brainwaves
yeah, I was hoping to hit it Let's see So four
plus six ten damage ten damage to the gym yes
That first one. Yeah. So yeah, you hit this thing
and it's like you feel it like kind of like that's
like budge a bit and you see him kind of like
roll around for a minute and be incredibly stunned
so for his next turn he will be stunned um because
you actually did a good chunk of smack to the
rock to the gym that's controlling the brain
does that mean he's stunned for my second attack
yes so you hit with it anyways if you want to
keep the roll you did yeah yeah i'll keep that
yeah so you can hit do your damage all right
Three plus six, nine damage. I guess, yeah. All
right, nine damage as he's kind of just like
squirming and his brain's starting to get a little
fried there. Is that all your turns? Yeah, that's
all. Miss Muffin, your turn. Question. Answer.
Will my gem of brightness affect this demonic
creature? I can't tell you that, and you don't
know if this thing's demonic. It was just kind
of sealed in a demonic pentagram. I think it's
more spectral than something weird. There's more
work here that you guys do not know. So I can
command a word. Actually, the name is spectral.
It's like some fucking cyborg frog. What would
you like? I can command the gem to shine a beam
of light at... Hold on, let me read it again.
The second command word expends one charge and
causes the gem to fire a brilliant beam of...
Lie at one creature that you can see within 60
feet of you the creature must succeed on a DC
15 Constitution safe throw or become blinded
for a minute and then The creature can repeat
the saving throw at the end of each of its turns
ending the effect of itself on a success or I
can say a third command that Expends five charges
and causes the gem to flare with blinding light
and a 30 -foot cone. Each creature in the cone
must make a saving throw. So you can do a straight
line at one creature or you can hit a cone at
a creature. So you can do like a laser beam or
a flashlight. I got a gem on my forehead too,
by the way. So we could have been using this.
She's got the gem of brightness. Oh, okay. She
has it. So can I shine a beam at him and see
if it blinds him? Yeah. Okay, so what do I do
just say it yeah? What's the command word you're
gonna give this thing to activate the laser beam?
I was gonna say do I have to come up with a command
word cuz it's like it needs three command words
I would I think there is probably real command
words to run them, but I don't give a shit like
Nate's was these nuts for One thing so much because
your own command word keep that in your mind
or write it down So meow is gonna be the laser
beam light. Okay. That's my javelins Yeah. It's
activation word. So you just let out a roar of
a mighty meow. Meow! And this laser beam comes
to life and blasts up this thing. What does he
got to do? A constitution saving throw? DC 15
constitution saving throw. That's a pretty good
save number too. Yeah, he better not. He got
an 18 plus 3, so he saves. He blocked this. He
covered his eyes. Did he roll with disadvantage?
No. He said, cat. He blocked it. Okay, what else
would you like to do? I think you have a bonus
action, bud. Stab the crystal. If I do the cone,
it's just five charges at him because there's
no other creature. Yeah. You already used your
action. Me and everyone else around him. So use
my bonus action to do it again? No, you can only
use an action to use it. Aw. She's trying to
blind everyone around here. Well, I'm still invisible
and all he saw was a beam of light come from
me and a meow. So I'm just going to relocate
myself quietly. Relocate quietly. Make me another
stealth check since you attacked and lit a light
beam from you. Close range. A stealth check?
Yeah, make me another stealth check since you're
using a light beam and then running with your
invisibility cloak still on. Can I roll with
advantage? I think you can, yeah, because your
stealth proficiency is doubled. Can I roll with
advantage by getting a nat 1? No. No, you can't.
So, you, uh, I don't think you have an advantage,
actually. I think it's... What happens? You have
just double proficiency. So, I move and he still,
like, guesses where I move to? So, nat 1, you,
uh, you're, like, laser beam of light, and then
you take off running. to relocate and you trip
again because your feet are just not working
with you and your cloak kind of does a front
flip over you and falls off your back and you
roll and you hit your head on the sarcophagus
roll up and roll next to the sarcophagus but
your cloak is off of you on the ground and you
are closer to the gray slab yes and out of things
i can't do anything you're ready to get smart
you are about 10 feet from him now since you
tripped and rolled forward adam lost your clothes
guys i suck save me uh yeah Please take your
turn. Alright, Sacred Flame. Sacred Flame! No!
Well, we'll see. Need a dex roll for you. Am
I good? That's a 15 plus 3. Fucker. This guy's
rolling good. Alright, now I'm going to frog
gig him right into his little gym. Give him the
frog gig. A little spiritual frog gig. 15 plus
8, 23. 23? Yep. Damn, yeah. That was it. So 7
plus 5, so 12. 12 damage. Boom, as this frog
gig comes in and sticks him and he has like a
PTSD moment for a second. Was that your turn?
Yeah. Yeah. It is his turn. He is stunned. So
that's his turn to be done. Do crystal, your
turn. Do what I do. Because he was stunned for
a round. So I have to crystal. Is an 18 hit?
Yes. Just barely. Just barely. 6 plus 6, 12.
12 damage? Yep. Is that your sword, right? Yep.
I'm running it back. 18, is that it? Yes. 7 plus
6, 13. 13. Good damage to him. You guys are taking
chunks out of the frog man. He's just kind of
screeching. croaking swinging claws back but
that crystal's looking rough crystal is still
in him kind of cracked and shifted but he's he's
functioning miss muffins your turn um the third
command word is cone of shame cone of shame so
you're doing the whole cone yeah right on i'm
ten feet from him yeah so let's do it all right
it won't get duke it'll get him only now he's
in a cone i'm a dude face to face i'm sword fighting
him okay so constitution save it's been said
you just set off you just caused the first light
atomic explosion the first atomic explosion in
history all right so he got an eight uh that's
not a 15. eight plus three oh wait the third
one said something different Each creature in
the cone must make a saving throw as if struck
by the beam created with the second command word.
Okay, so it's still the same thing. Oh yeah,
never mind. My bad. What do you feel? Con. So
you need a 15. My bad. Fail. No! You got a 13.
No. They both failed, so they're both blinded,
right? For a minute. Yeah, for a minute. A minute
is 10 turns. My bad. Okay, Duke Crystal doesn't
need to see. Okay, so you were both swinging
at disadvantage, Duke and the slad, but hey.
If I hit one of you with my sword, that's on
you. Well, I blinded him, so now please take
care of it. Please take your turn. Yeah, I'm
gonna do the whole just roll me a dex for sacred
I'd say just give me double damage so it says
2d8 All since you're on a net one so roll 48
Four, two, five, six, 11. I have scroll of comprehending
languages. 11 and seven. My bad. 18. 18? Yep.
Damage? Yeah. Okay. Yep. And then I'm going to
go up and stab him in the beamy eye or the gem
again. Aim for the gym with my whipping. Okay
swing at the gym and that's a fail eight plus
three All right Well, it's blind also All great,
it's gonna fucking x -ray vision speaking of
I have an idea. Yeah. No, it's not good for you.
Well? I would advise staying away from me. Don't
get five foot within proximity of me. Well, I'm
ten foot from the thing. Okay. So. Demon. You
see this thing kind of just like blinded. Okay,
well, he's just going to make a multi -attack
if you crystal them again. So, bite with disadvantage
and then two claw attacks with disadvantage.
I saw you step. Okay. 13 plus 7 with the bite.
He ain't at a disadvantage. He's blind. Yes,
he is at a disadvantage. Sorry, I forgot. I was
like, what the fuck is going on? He's just bullying
me like Kenshi over here. You got a 19 on the
other one, so. 17 plus 7. Okay, sure, yeah, it
is. Okay, claw. I don't even know how the fuck
he knows where I'm at. I don't want to fail.
11 plus 7 on the second claw. No, disadvantage.
Damn it. Alright, so he only hits with the bite.
Good. Okay, 1d6 plus... Five plus three. See
if I can chomp down on you with some frog teeth,
baby. Frogs don't have teeth. Shh. This frog
has teeth. No. Because I said he does. Duke Crystal,
your turn. Alright. Thunderclap. Thunderclap!
Okay, what is that? Well, I guess it didn't really
work on him. Oh, yeah. Well, not if it's ineffective
against him. How much damage was reduced from
it? Half. This was just a half upgrade. Fuck,
I'm gonna swing at disadvantage. Well, now I'm
not, actually. I'm gonna do... Let's do Reckless
Attack. There you go. What does that do to the
game? It gives me advantage, so it leaves the
playing field. Alright. 12 plus 9. Plus the 9.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah! Yeah. 3 and 6. 9 damage. Okay,
same thing again. Three, six, nine. Damn, she's
fine. Uh, 17? 17? No, one shy. All right. Ms.
Muffin, your turn. You're 10 feet from him. Cloak's
on the ground, not attached to your back. Grabs
cloak, puts cloak back on, relocates. What? Grabs
my cloak, puts it back on, relocates. Okay, all
right. Pick it up and you put it on. I can still
dash away. Yeah, you can dash if you want. Yeah,
I need to get safer. Away from this. Okay. So
you're just running away? Yeah, the rest of what
I can run away. Okay. To get safe. To be safe.
Which way are you running? Like south? Well,
my phone won't let me quote the map. So, you
tell me. Okay, you're running south. As far as
your movement being taken. Okay. Now you're far
away from him. Yay. And that was your turn. You're
not disappointed. You did nothing. What do you
want me to do? Attack him. Please take your turn.
What the fuck did you do? Alright, say your plan.
What the fuck? You're the most fucking rogue
-like rogue I've ever seen. You're just waiting
for us to die so you can rob us and shit at the
merchant. Literally. Please take your turn. Alright,
say your plan. You're the person that's like,
I'm your ride or die. And as soon as it's a die
moment, you're like, 16 plus 3. Fuck you. Spiritual
weapon. 9 plus 8. That hits, right? No. That's
one shot. 17, 18. You mother piece of shit. Alright,
Grace Ladd's turn. Yeah, for 10 turns. It'll
be for a while. Probably dead before okay, so
he's going to take a single great sword swinging
you He has a great sword. Yes. He's my spiritual
weapons in the way Four plus seven No Reckless
tech. Oh shit, that'll even him too. You gotta
remember that, I ain't gonna tell you. Let's
see, that one ain't gonna do it. Oh, nine to
nine. Nine to nine, eighteen. Yep. On the money.
On the money. Ten damage. I was about to grab
my dice and roll for some reason. Yep, ten damage.
Slicing dice, taking chunks again, as Miss Malcolm
watches from the wall. And that one's definitely
a hit. 18 plus 9? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. And 8 damage.
8 damage. Okay. He's bleeding. All over the floor.
It's filling in the lines of where there was...
Can I smell it? Oh yeah, you can smell it. You're
in demon mode. Your body... I'm not blind anymore.
Your sword's sucking it up. I can smell his blood
leaking out of him. It's like... It's nothing.
It's your turn. He's there. Alrighty. I want
to equip my cloak and go invisible. Okay, give
me a stealth check. Then I'm going to spend my
whole turn running to a hiding spot. 24. And
then I'm going to pull my poison dagger out and
stab him with it. You can't because your poison
dagger is in your main hand. That's an action.
You can use your bonus hand offhand dagger, but
that's just a plus one attack. Do that and your
poison time to recharge because you used it last
time ever so it failed on skeleton and it has
to recharge each dawn So are you gonna take your
off -hand attack? Okay, so you're just gonna
stop your turn Okay All right, please stick.
Let's take it your turn. It's up to you and Duke
so then I'm blowing and the big blind And one
that you don't know where it's at because she's
invisible hiding in the wall. I'm over here like...
I'm trying to use echolocation and blood scent
to find him. Like Daredevil. I can see him with
my ears. I can see him with my ears and smell
him with my nose. Where's your godly weapons?
I didn't even attempt to aim at the crystal.
I was like, I'm blind. I'd be lucky to hit him.
And he's a big frog. This will fix you, right?
And then I can attack with spiritual weapon.
I got you guys. Yeah, he's probably like humanoid,
it looks like. Yeah, he's like humanoidish kind
of style. Just beefy. Alright, so, are we ready?
No. Yep. Take it away. Please take. Alright,
so I used Lesser Restoration on Dookie Poo. Ooh,
very good. Restore the eyesight of Dookie Poo.
Very nice. Remove the poo from his eyes. Remove
the poo from his eyes. Yeah, so do you feel this
clarity of like, what does this look like? How
does... How does the blindness get wiped away
from Duke's eyes? You just see this dumpster
juice materialize from the air and just smear
around Duke's face, cleaning up all the trash.
I knew he was going to say that! This dumpster
juice, you just see this liquid kind of like,
it's like you're blind in light, but you're seeing
the streaks of trash just kind of streaking through
your eyeballs and melting down through you, and
then as it kind of sleeps away, your eyesight
comes back. And you're left with a beautiful
lavender scent. And you hear that self, uh, that
conscious voice in your head, and you go, that
was disgusting. You know what I picture? Like
Patrick and Spongebob. Patrick and Spongebob
when they have to find his ID in the dumpster,
and Patrick's loving it. What was your, your
spiritual weapon? Yeah, 15 plus 8, and then 1d8
plus... What a crazy idea. Three! Three damage?
Eight damage. Oh, eight damage. Okay. So, yeah,
your spiritual frog gig kind of just sticks him
in the ribs and he's like, ah, and you can tell
another bleed spot plops out on the ground, but
he's still barely standing. It's kind of like
holding his ribs now, like trying to keep blood
inside. But it's his turn. So... He chooses to
give up and walk away. He does not. Okay. Fuck
you, frog. I'm gonna throw pebbles and see if
he thinks they're flies and tries to eat them.
Okay, well, he's gonna take another great sword
attack at you, Duke. I'm gonna fucking punish
him. Hopefully he hits it. Seven plus seven.
No, sit the fuck down. I don't want him to hit
with it. Okay. He's black. My turn? Um. Um. Um.
Yes. Yes. All right. I'm going to grapple the
crystal. Oh, fuck, really? Yes, really. Do it.
All right. You got, like, ripped out his forehead?
Oh, yeah, I will if I grab ahold of it. The target
must succeed on strength or dex. It chooses which.
Saving throw, DC equals eight. Are you grappling
him? No, the crystal directly. So you can try
to, like, pull it out if you're wanting to do
that. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to go for.
But I have to successfully grapple before I can
ask to... probably do that strength check are
you going to let me incorporate it in one motion
grapple because it's going to be like him trying
to because he has yeah i have to get a hold of
it yeah yeah so give me a grapple on the so he
has to make it's you to choose the strength or
dicks uh okay the dc eight plus proficiency bonus
plus strength or it has grapple conditions so
i'm guessing eight my proficiency bonus is three
so eleven and my strength is plus five So he
has to make a 16 DC of dex or strength. The strength
and dex are the same, so I'm going to go strength.
All right. Two plus three. I grabbed the fuck
out of that crystal. You grabbed the fuck out
of it. He's like... I got like a thumb and an
eye socket. He's bleeding, so there's holes and
chunks all over him, so you're just grabbing
a hold of chunks. All right. Now you want to
give him a strength check to rip it out of his
forehead? Most definitely. Okay. Yes. Oh yeah
you do because you actually raged. That's my
favorite thing to see. Oh and he got the demon
claws in the skin. Nice good bite on there. I'm
picturing like Michael from Underworld. That
big ass hand. What was it? 13. That's the best
I got even on advantage. That will not do it.
That will not do the strength of pulling it out.
But you do still have him grapple. Yeah he has
to break free of that grapple. Try to every turn.
Okay so. Was that an action try to pull it out?
Yeah. Okay. All right. That's nothing What happens
if miss muffin runs up and grabs that grab and
rips it out yourself? like helps like try to
pull it out you can do a strength check with
it well like grab my arm and tug on it because
while i'm holding it i was gonna say it would
look like that yeah like yeah if you want to
try to rip it out too you can do it we're gonna
do like everyone's behind me yeah like you can
do it with advantage but it's gonna be a resident
evil cutscene that's still gonna be like the
avengers with fantasy's glove like yeah this
picture like there's one on like Oh, Jill's chest.
All that red spider thing. Where is my strength?
I think that video game had influence on what
I'm trying to do. Yes, negative one strength
check with advantage. Eleven. It don't even budge.
You're yanking on Duke's arm, and Duke's arm
isn't budging. I was just like, I'm trying. I
didn't even notice. She's back here hardly. Anything
else? You got bonus action stuff. Take my off
-hand dagger. You're up there. And stab him.
You're going to stab him? Okay. We're going to
stab him. Stab him somewhere really effective,
like in his anus or something. I was going to
say, what am I closest to to stab him if I was
just holding the grapple? You're all right up
on him. His body. I'm going to stab him right
in the belly button. Okay, get him in the belly
button. He's already missing lots of chunks.
You got to roll for it. Oh. Attack. My bad. I
forgot. You roll good and it's gonna go right
in the belly button like a coin slot. 18 plus
7 to hit. Oh, that went right in his belly button.
Yeah, that went right in the belly button. And
then it's 1d4 plus 4, so 7. 7 damage. Little
did you know, that's his Achilles, his belly
button. Yeah, you stick him right in the belly
button. You just like, you hear this. gud roll
just like screech and he's just trying to pull
push duke off of him and pull a knife out of
his belly button like he's freaking out and he's
which is great because i'm planted you can feel
it you can feel him like getting weak with the
shaky knees uh but he's still standing so yeah
i did stuff flea stick your turn all right I'm
gonna turn my spiritual weapon into like a little
electric claw. I'm gonna try to rip that fucker
out myself. Can you give me Green Lantern? Yeah.
Give me just a strength check. Yeah, that's what
I was gonna say. I don't know. I don't know.
Just give me a strength check off your stats.
Because they don't have stats. Green Lantern.
18 plus 2. Yeah, that will pop the whole gym
right out. So, your Green Lantern style... uh,
claw hand comes in and grabs his, uh, gem and
starts parrying at it with the demon claw stuck
to it, a knife in his belly button, and he popped
this crystal out of his gem, his forehead, and
he's just here and he's like, ah, ah, thank you.
And he falls over and falls down and goes lifeless.
Good. Goodbye. Yeah. This seems like something
you want to hold on to, dude. I feel like if
we would have pulled it out and not eviscerated
his body. he might have been friendly yeah but
he's yeah we blew chugs well i was blinded so
i had to swing wildly this frog creature falls
to the ground and uh flea stick you've got this
well i guess your your spiritual claw is holding
this gym so what would you guys like to do smash
that thing smash it you gotta smash it all right
yeah don't let dukes do the honors uh yeah i'm
gonna say you probably smash it because you're
a demon though you just keep stomping it so you
keep stomping this thing and as it kind of shatters
and busts you feel this like red just or you
see this red ore of energy just like blow through
the whole room and like through the passageways
and out um but that's all you notice as you shatter
it just dispelled its power i'm going to take
a piece of that broken crystal and mend it into
one thing that's dangerous attach it to your
yeah okay you're gonna become a minion the flea
stick yeah you kind of like put it up to your
skull, and you're, like, doing your little fusing.
And as it, like, connects to your skull, you
just see this, like, little, like, red spark
kind of fly through it, and then it kind of glows
out. I just shake my head. Shake my head in disappointment.
I'm collecting. You'll be sliding next. This
episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee
as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal,
Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan
Hayes as the DM. The episode is edited and mixed
by Tristan Hayes. The artwork for Dummies with
Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram
under A -R -C -S -I -0. The theme song is The
Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera. When it comes
to Dummies with Dice, you can find our website
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