Thank you. Hey, it's your Dummy Master, Tristan,
and I would like to thank our sponsor, Dubby
Energy. Dubby Energy is a growing and flourishing
energy drink powder, actually developing a clean
energy formula that is free from fillers, maltodextrin,
and artificial colorings, so everyone can enjoy.
In addition, Dubby is a sugar -free and zero
-calorie. Using a coffee -fruit extract blend
gives a much healthier, jitterless, and no -crash
effect from drinking Dubby. There are many flavors
and each one sounds amazing i just got my order
of dragon aid today and a mystery flavor the
dragon aid is dragon fruit and pink strawberry
lemonade yummy yummy i am so excited to try them
out our referral link for w energy will be in
the description along with our discount code
for a 10 off dummies with dice is the discount
code thank you w energy Dear Warning! Use of
violence, profanity, rude humor, and the portrayal
of drug and alcohol use. Welcome to Dummies with
Dice, a Dungeons & Dragons actual play podcast
that follows three not -so -average dummies of
our world that get caught up in a magical storm
and are transported to the world of Dungeons
& Dragons where they must survive and try to
find a way back home. Hey, Nate here. My character's
Duke Crystal. He's the drug -addicted level 7
barbarian warlock of the group. Fun fact about
Duke? He feels like it was his destiny to become
a demon. Yeah. I mean, it seems like his path
was leading to that direction on Earth or Faerun,
so. He figured it would be after he died and
he was in hell. Just an early start. Contract
of death. I mean, it's not. Hey, everybody. Ryan
Tucker here. I play as Flea Stick Sock Jelly.
I am the hobo trash master cleric of the god
Rumki. I am the MacGyver of all things trash
and garbage. Fun fact, Flea Stick is allergic
to domestic cats only. I'm allergic to hypoallergenic
cats. Yeah, well, I'm Miss Muffin and I'm a crazy
cat lady rogue. Who plays Miss Muffin? Kelly
Lee. Anyways, fun fact about cats to make Miss
Muffin more happy. Clowder is a group of cats.
Clowder. Clowder. Clowder of cats? Clowder. Clowder
of cats. A clutter? And then I looked it up even
to see like why and it just assumes on Google
that it originates from clutter and clot. Clutter
and clot. Clowder. Clowder. Probably just like
clot of cat shit in the corner. Well, I'm Justin
Hayes and I'm your Dummy Master and today my
fun fact is that it's impossible to hum while
holding your nose. Apparently. So let's give
that a try. Nope. That was hard, right? It's
hard. It's not great. It's not a great hum, but
it's a... That was a horrible hum. You can't
really hit the tone you want to hit. It sounds
more like you're suffocating to death. That's
what we do for audio media, is everybody hums
to the... Mine sounds like an alarm. An alarm
to get back to being... Okay. Fuck, where did
we leave off? You guys, we left off right with
the globby gold ending situation, correct? Yeah,
and I got a dagger. You got a dagger of venom.
You got something. And you also got something.
What did I get? I don't know. I don't remember.
What did you get? What did we get, guys? I remember.
The figurine of wonder. That's what I got. Oh,
yeah. So we need to roll. Yeah, that was the
first thing. I even wrote a note somewhere. Yeah.
Oh, no, I wrote grab javelin. Because I threw
my lightning gem. Yeah, because you threw it.
Figuring in a wonder is powered by... Let me
see, we've got to roll here. Okay, so... This
is an important roll, guys. This is an important
roll. This could be detrimental or... So this
is going to tell what kind of statue figurine
this is, so when it's used, what will come out
of it. So I need you to roll me a... One, two,
three, four... All of them? Did I get a figurine?
No. Mm -mm. Yeah, it was that one little... Okay,
so there's nine options, so... Do a crystal.
Roll me a d8 plus one. Because there's nine options.
Thank you. Or do you want a d10 minus one? Either
one, don't matter. d8 plus one's fine. Huh. How
the hell are you going to do that? Just add a
one to whatever you roll, because technically
you have a chance of nine. That means I can never
get a one. Yeah. Shit. Well, if you roll a 1,
it's a 1. This makes no sense. Okay, a 1. Let's
do a d10. A d10. And 10 is nothing. Okay, copy.
Got that. Perfect. That's smart. Yeah, it makes
me feel better, too. All right. A 6. A 6. Okay,
so let's see here. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Oh, wow.
So, let me see. You're looking at this figurine,
and you see it kind of... You see it start to
form into the form of a shape of us horse. It's
this like beautiful solid black Statue of a horse
it's obsidian is what it looks like so this is
called the obsidian steed This polished obsidian
horse can become a nightmare for up to 24 hours
the nightmare fights only to defend itself Once
it has been used it can't be used again for five
days till the five days have passed so a nightmare
Nightmare looks when I look at it here. It's
a all -black horse. It's got a flaming name a
flaming tail and flaming feet It's a large fiend
naturally evil It has a hooves attack ethereal
stride. So the nightmare. Oh, it's a nightmare
That's a horse. Okay. Okay a nightmare, okay
Creature than five feet of it magically enter
the ethereal plane from the material plane or
vice versa so you can kind of look that up if
you want on the nightmare stats because you have
that to use with the thing to throw it so that's
nice um it's kind of useless though because it
only defends itself well if i ride it and force
it to get attacked by someone attacking me and
now now it's technically you could ride it though
well it's more so too it has its own ability
to like anything in five feet so you can attack
most people probably would struggle to ride it
but since it's kind of like yours mine and i'm
already naturally evil aligned and so if you
fuse it with your bone horse is that possibility
he's not even around right now this horse is
far better than bone horse so after uh we've
recapped on the old figurine of a black nightmare
horse for duke crystal that i'm so excited he's
got um and flea stick we he has the horn of blasting
and ms muffin with the dagger venom all retrieved
from their good buddy glabagool my dude he returned
with murder on his mind but duke crystal got
what i think a nat 20 on the combo to talk him
down yeah yeah he formed again with his so -called
child and became one with Glabagool again. Makes
sense. That is his child. So where we will pick
up is right there. So you guys get done with
your conversation with Glabagool and Corley,
your faithful friend of the Iron Spine Keep,
comes walking up and she's like, so are we cool?
Is he going to, hi mister, are you going to kill
me? No, I told you it would go. So he's cool.
He's not going to kill us all? Okay. You see
her turn around. She's like, everybody, it's
cool. We can come out. You see people start creeping
out of the building. They're kind of shocked
and looking at Labagool like, what the fuck?
You're hearing people say, we've never seen a
gelatinous cube that's nice before. He kind of
slinks over and he's like, sorry I killed one
of your friends. He kind of slinks back down.
He goes, but Duke's my friend and Miss Muffin's
here and I like... Please stay kinda, so I'll
help you guys and he kinda like slinks back.
Alright, flubber. So, it is kind of late in the
night because Clopagul attacked, I don't remember
what time I said, but hey, it's late in the night
now. So, hey, it's getting late in the night,
so what would you guys like to do for your final
night? Grab my javelin. Oh yeah, go grab your
javelin that went through Clopagul's child. Yes.
Yeah, you retrieved that. Good choice. I'm sure
Glabagool would have just sucked it up and gave
it to you anyways. He's a good boy. So yeah,
anything you guys would like to do? Are we at
full health again, or do we need to rest? I mean,
I don't know what damage you took in the battle
before with Glabagool, and I'm pretty sure you
dodged, but they tried to hit. I usually tank
some. So, would you guys like to sleep then?
Yeah. Okay, you can take your long breaths. I
need you... to roll me a d100 me any of you who
wants to roll it just the d100 no we got yeah
the big boy the big boy the big the golf ball
this is for a bastion event you guys do get long
rust you're not interrupted in the night or nothing
nice the old bastion 61. Sixty -one. Sixty -one
spoons. Sixty -one spoons. Sixty -one spoons.
And? Well, hang on. I've got to read what it
does here. A portrait in a pantry. Two turtledoves.
Okay, so. You awake in the morning and Corley
is cooking breakfast for everybody. You've got,
you know, your guards that you duke had. picked
out kind of walking around the walls giving the
whole uh finger wave uh yeah they can't see me
doing it but you know the finger wave uh you
do someone with respect um you see some carpenters
working and you see miss muffin slinking around
through the cracks in the shadows of the walls
i'm sure no you don't what do you see no they
can't oh they don't see you yeah you're just
so good at it roll a stealth check see how good
you are at it i rolled a 61. that's not true
anyways Stealth? Yeah. 15. 15? Okay, hang on.
What's advantage, though? Oh, wow. I got a nat
1 on anybody trying to see you. Yeah, exactly.
Nobody sees you. I don't know. Nobody sees you.
But, okay, so you hear a commotion at the gate.
You guys, any of you, you all do. You hear a
commotion at the gate, and you're hearing the
guards say... No, sir, you can't come in unless
we get the proper people to come talk to you.
And you're hearing another guy kind of outside,
and he's like, I've got a whole band of people
here. We're ready to put on a show. I just, you
know, if your lords and ladies would like to
pay us for a good entertainment, we can bring
word of your building. We can bring economy to
your building maybe even with a good old -fashioned
festival. So what would you like to do as you're
hearing this like being shouted over the gate?
You see at the front gate a man standing there
and he's in full like robes, mage robes. He's
got long flowy yellow robe on that's got like
colorful little lines all through it. And he
steps forward and he goes, oh, it's me. He goes,
we here, we're spellcasters, all of us. And you
see like a whole group of people out there. And
they look almost like carnival, like festival,
carny people. Just like standing outside the
gate. And they're like, we would love, love to
come in and teach you guys some magic. Teach
you guys some spells. You know, anything you
want to upgrade your arsenal, your armory, your
guards. You have guards, very beautiful guards
up top. Because if you want to teach them some
magic, I could do so for a good fair payment.
We just put on this festival, and your people
come through our tents, and we will teach them.
No. No. Can I do an inside roll to see if he's
being truthful? Yeah, go for it. Skip, bro. That
sounds like a shitty cover story to sneak in
and attack us, but we'll see. Each individual
guard into the tent. Flat ten. A flat ten? Okay.
I don't know. Well, I don't really know anything.
I guess he's... Got that one. So yeah, you could
definitely tell he's telling truth. He did you
don't see okay. You don't see no less hint He's
not like trying to teach them like spells are
gonna make their own neck ring. He's he seems
like They are an actual functioning spell casting.
Okay, cool like card traveling carny Carnival
that wants to teach people magic for payment.
What's his fee? you guys oh for you because i
like the way you you look at me you can tell
what i'm thinking yes for you i'll do for a thousand
gold pieces no this is a big this is a big fortress
you got quite a few uh quite a few people i mean
yeah i mean we could even teach carpenters how
to lift things with telekinesis if you wanted
not even just warriors you know anything you
guys wanted here we've got a good argument prove
it prove it before we pay you that's all included
in the thousand dollars yes thousand gold feet
see they're already working on the wall see how
quick they work they're pulling up all the gears
getting the equipment ready and everything great
tractor hmm that is a pretty uh generous price
i got i mean i got 2100 gold i got 1666 gold
you want to go have 500 a pop yeah maybe see
what she's got maybe we can split it three ways
Shit, she broke. I don't know how many gold she's
got, honestly. So you guys are saying 500, 500?
Yeah. Because Ms. Melvin's like hiding. She's
just shouting from the shower. Okay. Yeah, me
and Nate have split it up. Okay. He says, oh,
yes. 500 each? Okay, yes. 1 ,000 gold pieces.
He says, all right, well, we will start getting
set up. Do you want us to set up inside the gate
or outside the gate? We are fine with either
one. As long as we have... protection from anything
outside the gate do we have a decent courtyard
anywhere i'd say yeah they're able to set up
decently around uh the buildings and they're
just gonna set up like kind of like targeting
ranges and like little little tents that teach
you like how to lift things if you're wanting
to learn like telekinesis you know they can set
up in here we'll just keep some guards watching
them inside yeah okay all right so yeah he goes
all right no no need for you guys to do any work
because we will get set up and we will we will
get going um so over the course of a couple hours
you see um them set up these big tents and elaborate
magic and you see people standing outside the
tents like kind of just waiting for people to
show up so what would you like to do would you
like to send i'll say so i'll say you can send
up to 10 people of your group to go learn magic
So if you want to send some Warriors to have
up top or like guards to have a pop with magic
you can if you want to do some Carpenters you
want to do all of your guards you do quite a
bit of course It's up to you guys. How you gonna
do that? I think you I think you had what nine
guards that you were able to keep because one
was a Chicken and you ended up with quite a I
think a few less Carpenters and mechanics and
I can't fixers as we'll call them. I'd say May
as well do all the guards magic and the levitation
or the telekinesis to the carpenters. Okay, so
you have... If I've got to persuade them in a
sweet talk, I can. You have nine guards and...
I mean, it doesn't hurt for all nine to know
magic. They don't all have to use it, but they
have it in their arsenal. Yes, they could be
helpful. There could be a lead carpenter that
uses telekinesis. You didn't specify how many.
Yeah, now you can do as many guards as yours
all the guards you want But the guy hears you
guys kind of come conversing over what people
would do where he goes. So of course we do my
shifts He says so if you want to teach more people
because you can always do that and I'll do it
for an add -on for 500 gold pieces Because we're
already set up. So he's like if you want more
we can but that's up to you guys Because we have
a lot of people Persuade to do more or below
a price to include it with the standard price.
Yes. Okay. Yeah I thought you said you liked
the way I looked at you and how I knew that you
were thinking Please be a little more delivered.
He got a 17. Oof. So he goes, I did like the
way you looked at me. He goes, but I can't do
it because that's my people's work. That's their
time. So if they're going to do the extra time
to teach more people, I've got to pay them. You
know how it is running a business here. You probably
have to pay these people, don't you? Some of
them. Some of them you don't pay some of them
for that. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, all right take
lessons from you, I guess But then again, I can't
I can't I can't do it. I can't not pay them for
their time. Mm -hmm Otherwise, we're gonna have
a bunch of spell casters very angry at us. I
love to Discuss it with some other members here.
Oh, yeah Come back to you. Would you like me
to begin some shifts on some of your you said
cards? Yeah, we'll do half of them Okay, so yeah,
you'll take off like Yeah, half of your guards
will go and they'll start training. And you'll
see them kind of switching between different
areas. You'll see some kind of shooting some
fire bolts, like trying to learn how to spark
flames. Some shooting a little, like, frost ray,
ray of frost. Nice. We'll roll. I'll roll for
them to see how well they all attune to magic.
Ooh, very nice. But, yeah, what would you guys
like to do? You said you were going to go talk
with your colleagues about an add -on payment?
I was just being polite. All right, yeah, so
you see that training and I'll just go ahead
and roll for them real quick I said no you weren't
even there You're hiding. So you're not paying
the $5 ,000 add -on to train more people, Kelly?
Is that what you're saying? I have to look, bruh.
Okay. That's Ms. Muffin's in -canon voice. I
have to look, bruh. What the fudge is happening?
She can't find where her gold's at because she
hid it from everyone. I have three. I have lots
of gold. I have enough. I'll do $5 ,000. She
don't buy nothing. How much? I mean, you've been
paying for everything. Why? Tell them over here
how much you have. Why, Master? Because he's
gone. I can look up. Because he's going to rob
us. I have 3 ,962 gold. Dude. The most I had
on here was like $2 ,600. Leave me alone! She's
living the rumble life somehow. Nobody knows
where I'm hiding it. That's why she didn't want
to say how much was in her account. She's that
one that says, I'm broke. We barely got any gold.
She's over there like, double what we had. Alright,
so you're going to pay the $500 to train more?
Yeah. Alright, so you see Ms. Muffin scarcely
part with a little bit of money. and straight
on he goes oh you the woman okay yes yes yes
I'll take you gold pieces and we'll train some
more awesome so I'll say with the other 500 cheese
will train all of your masonry and carpenters
and all of your guards so you're gonna get a
full your carpenters can learn mending they can
learn telekinesis they've got the couple of their
of those Arsenal in there and I'll say how many
nine of your guards so three have fire bolt Three
have ray of frost. And three have acid splash.
So they can use those on top if they need to.
So yeah, this all goes down. You start seeing
more of your guards taking shifts. You see some
throwing acid and melting like little dummies
of people, and they're all getting awesome kick
-ass times. And let me roll for the other half
that are learning. Okay, so all of your guards,
except two, did very well. They all rolled extremely
high, except two who both rolled nat ones. So
you see these guards kind of like doing their
magic and stuff and they're all doing it and
you're kind of Waiting for them to get done and
you see two of these guys come walking up and
one of them's got a missing hand He's got acid
like burn his hands just melted. He goes dude.
I I fucked up the other guys got like a big huge
burn crash Mark across his chest. He was like
fire fire bolts not my thing. So these two are
not very well with the depth with the magic They
can use it, but they will do anything this advantage.
So we have to just remember to If they use their
magic, they're going to be at disadvantage. They're
probably both named Jeff. Well, I'd probably
just tell them only use that in desperate times.
Yes, sir. I was planning to do that because I
only got one hand left. How bad is his hand?
It's bad. His hand's like melted away. It's just
like half of the hand. Like saveable or just
like chop it off? Probably just chop it off.
It's like half a hand. He's like, yeah, we're
going to go get this taken care of. Well, we
don't have medical, so I guess a butcher. Do
you want me to mend your hand back together?
He starts to walk away. I don't know if mend
works on flesh. I think it's just objects. One
foot radius, it said. Mend a metal to his hand.
Mend a chunk of metal. Cure wounds. Cure wounds.
That would heal him, yeah. It would make him
feel better. It would make his hand come back.
That's a waste of a spell slot. I could give
him a hand. Go to the medical team. You're good.
All right, so as this all kind of goes down,
they kind of finish their, it's like midday,
and they're finishing all their stuff, and they're
kind of packing up their things. And the leader
of the group kind of walks to you, and he goes,
so listen, you guys, I can tell you guys are
a tough bunch. You got a place, you got yourselves,
you all look like you've been through some shit.
He goes, so I'm just going to tell you a little
bit of a rumor I heard. Especially since you
paid the add -on, I'm just going to give you
a little heads up that this place is nearby.
He goes, so I have learned. um if you head to
if you head east you can find this tomb it's
um it's been dubbed the dungeon of deception
so i i don't know what's inside because i don't
know what to think of the place um i know there's
been a lot of people talking about it from when
we're traveling and i feel like you adventurous
type might be in need of that because you know
and if you get more money i'll be back And so
he kind of nods you off and gives you rough directions
of where this dungeon lies if you guys would
like to pursue this. He didn't want to buy any
supplies before he left off? No. I mean, what
kind of supplies are you offering? I don't know
what kind of supplies you guys got. I don't know.
I don't think you guys really had much of any
time. He seemed like he was a well -prepared
businessman. He's quite equipped. Yeah, he waves
you guys off and he packs all of his things and
they begin to move. Elsewhere to take their traveling
adventure somewhere else you guys kind of settle
in and discuss I'm sure you're wanting to head
out to this exciting place of dungeon and deceit
budget of deception. Yes Sounds deceptive old
deceptive old Decepticons in disguise Yeah, so
you guys gather your packs gather your Horns
of Blasting, your... Javelin of Lightning, my
Lightning Ring, my... Oh, I took my Lightning
Ring. Savage's... Lightning Javelin. My Nightmare
Total. My Nightmare Total, yeah. And the nice
little feeling of demonic power inside of you.
Yeah. I still got my Lightning Ring. I think
you got it. You traded it. You guys did that
thing where you did something and you got the
rings. Well, no, everyone lost something, but
me. Oh, yeah. I lost my shield. I lost my cap.
Yeah, we still have our rings on our hands, right?
You guys all should have your rings. Yeah, yeah.
I forgot, what does this do? He's got the ring
of lightning. I don't know what you guys got.
I forgot. One of you had, like, ten rings of
something. Yeah, we all have a ring on, like,
every finger, I felt like. No, he had, Ryan had
the ten. Necklace of like fireballs. Yeah, we
never did we're gonna search it as well. He was
integrated Yeah, so yeah, you guys can start
gathering your packs and your dagger of venom
And start moving which miss muffin Kelly the
player As a reminder now you can use your plus
one dagger and your offhand and your dagger of
venom in your main hand so awesome you'll get
your bonuses to your offhand all right so you
guys start making your way east i said before
you start to make your way through there and
you're you're traveling for a good while and
you're making your way through paths and what
paths disappear and you start to smell the reeking
smell of rotting flesh Demons. Would you like
to make me... Demons! Demons! Don't talk about
my fingers. That was the entity coming out. Don't
talk about my fingers. Okay, so give me investigation
checks. All three of you. As you're kind of searching
this area of rotting flesh. Fifteen. That one.
Eight. I was really hoping someone would roll
a nine one. okay so uh why i need to open this
minus one i'm opening this okay so uh you guys
are kind of walking around and you're kind of
like looking and just you're feeling the smell
get really strong but please dig you can't really
even smell this nasty smell it's just kind of
like it smells good to you you're just like what
do you guys you know you do and then you feel
the ground get out below you and you fall and
you're just tumbling down stairs. You're just
feeling darkness and hitting the ground and then
rolling and tipping down some more stairs. I'm
going to roll here. I got rid of your way higher
die. I got distracted by the smell of dumpster
stakes. Okay, you take four damage, bludgeoning
damage, as you are nat one distracted by the
beautiful smell of rotting flesh, and you trip
and fall down these stairs through a hole in
the ground, and you're tumbling down, and you
land at the bottom. But when you hit the bottom,
you see torches kind of just... And this kind
of light up down the hallway, and you see another
set of stairs. Very dungeon -like. So, yeah,
that's a dungeonous flaw, right? What would you
guys like to do? Walk down the stairs. He just
ate it now. Just walk carefully down the stairs.
Okay. So... May as well. You... Clowder. You
get... The clowder of people get down to the
bottom of the stairwell. And the map is open,
by the way. you get to the bottom of the stairs
and you see a path forward that kind of winds
around in a circle and then you see to your to
the north I guess is what we'll say this is yeah
to your northern side you see a long hallway
and at the end is what looks like a demonic like
big green statue looking thing at the center
of the floor demonic means what would you like
to do garbage garbage smell spam What do we do
definitely don't we good we good search this
shit? Don't don't take its picture around the
corner. Are you gonna head down the path where
you see that like large green? Thing oh, there's
a path away from the large screen creepy demonic
thing Yeah, I mean you can't tell if it's like
demonic or whatnot You just kind of see this
large thing with like horns kind of on it and
it's boring That's you right? Yeah You guys won't
check it out. I'm scared I'm very much scared.
Very scared. One can check. One can check. Yeah,
I mean, some of us can go toward the statue.
Another one can go right, I guess. Screw it,
I'm going. I'm going towards the statue. I'll
watch him get close to it, but I won't go all
the way with him. I'll go right. Alright, so
we'll do flea stick. Flea stick. The walls and
the floor of this 15 -foot square room are cracked
and carved with the images of terrified humanoids
falling. Set into the middle of the floor is
a stone basin relief of a bearded devil face
painted green. Forlorn cries echo from the black
void of its gaping maw. So like its mouth is
open and you're hearing like cries and echoes
just kind of screaming from inside of it. Put
your dick in it. No! You hear Duke coming out
of the hallway. Put your dick in it. Now was
that Duke or was that the entity inside of you?
That was Duke for sure. That was Duke. Alright.
What would you like to do if we stick? There's
a really fucked up glory hole. I guess kind of
slowly approach it, very cautiously. Very. Very
caucus -ly. Very caucus -ly. He's like a cockroach.
No. It'll suck you into hell. Or have. No. You're
seeing darkness kind of like just flowing out
of it like there's like once it escapes it You're
seeing the darkness kind of fade and flow away,
but it's just like unnatural magic darkness inside
Kind of like stick the crystal from my skull
and see what happens Yeah, you can't throw it
in there you like hold on to it and put it in
there I don't just like hold it out for a little
bit so Are you going to put half of the crystals
in there, your hands still out of it? Or exactly
how are you going to do this? So I know what
I need to do. I'm going to risk the biscuit.
You're just going to stick your hand in? Just
half and half. Half and half? Okay, so give me
a dexterity save as you're trying to barely,
carefully, or just a dexterity check, sorry.
Bury. As you're bury, carry. they're very very
very carefully putting your hand in half 16.
okay so yeah you kind of you expertly kind of
put your hand in there but when you stick half
the crystal in you hear the echoes and the screams
just get louder and kind of burst out and that
half of the crystal is just gone like vanished
like it's just like black and yeah and i'm in
it right back to my skull okay so you get half
the crystal back to your skull all right There
you go. What else would you like to do? Anything
else special? Is there anything special to look
around on? No, all you see is just, like, all
the walls are just carved with images of humans,
like, falling and screaming. All right, I'm going
to go back with Duke and Miss Muffin. Good you.
I know you're in somewhere not great. All right,
Duke, and all of you now, call away the heads
east and south. What would you like to do? the
south corner looks like it cuts down further
and then cuts back west east east okay so everyone
always goes right we go left east okay so you
walk down this hallway and at a four -way intersection
the corridors to the north and south curve upward
and out of sight so like they curve slowly up
where you can't see was quite the end But with
no rails or steps to allow them to be climbed,
the corpse of a half -human, half -goat creature
in robes sprawls like ten feet to the north up.
It grips a staff tipped with a bronze goat's
head. What would you like to do? Mine. I want
that staff. I want it now. I guess I'll check
that out. Okay, so are you walking forward, dude?
Yeah. Okay, so you... I don't care. Are you both
walking forward? Are you both going to kind of
like walk together up this thing? Okay, so this
curving corridor, as you start walking, you see
and notice that it forms a perfect circle around
it. And as you start walking towards it, you
realize that you're not getting, like, gravity.
Like, you're sticking to the floor as you're
walking. So you can continue to walk forward
if you'd like. Up this incline. So I'm floating
to the floor? Yeah, well, it's like gravity's
enhanced where you're stuck to the floor. Like,
you're not going forward. It's a perfect circle
room. Me too. Just gonna keep walking? Alright,
you walk up and you see this corpse of this half
-human, half -goat creature. He's just kind of
gripped onto this thing, but he's stuck to the
floor still because of the gravity ring. What
would you like to do with him? Or what would
you like to do? With him? Or anything. What would
you like to do as you get up to this body? He's
kind of blocking the path in front of you. He's
laying gravity ring stuck to the... Can he talk?
No, he's dead. Oh. Unless you just speak with
the dead or something, but yeah, he's dead. Loot
him. You can, uh, if you loot him, you can, but
all he has on him is the staff that you see.
He's gripping it. I grab it and give it to him.
Yeah, I want that staff. You're gonna take the
staff? Okay. Please stick. You grab this staff.
And Duke, when you grab it, you feel this, like,
weird, like, I don't know, pull, but not the
right... Sensation, you know what I mean? So
you just you kind of hand it off to flea stick,
but flea stick when it touches your hands your
attuned connection to magic you feel this thing
kind of like just like Like kind of like merge
and attune to your body and you like are feeling
all this like connection to the staff Let me
see what exactly the staff is real quick. Oh
Actually, sorry You did search his body. You
find that he has an ink pot that never runs dry.
So, like, you can just keep writing with it and
it won't run dry. And a spell book containing
the following spells. So, I can tell you those
all, if you want. Let's write a few spells. I
need a pencil. I say, we can, I can, we can,
we'll work, well, yeah, I'll give you all those.
Yeah, that works. Yeah, we'll get them from here
in a second. But I'll do the staff, because that's
what you're going to want right now. So... The
Staff of Striking is what it is called. Ooh,
purple. Pretty cool, though. That'll give you
a big bonus to attack rolls and shit. Plus three,
yeah. Oh, and when you hit with a melee attack,
you expend it for three charges. Oh, okay. That's
cool. So it takes extra damage if you want it.
It's basically you can use it because it gives
you plus three to attack and damage rolls. So,
like, use your regular magic like you do, and
then if they get close to you, melee attack,
and it does one of those three charges, and it'll
do an extra 1d6 force damage. It's good for,
like, magic users, too. Well, you can use up
to three charges. One charge does 1d6, so you
can do three charges and do 3d6 as extra force
damage. It's good for a magic user, because then
you can just fucking smoke a dude real hard if
he gets close with extra magic staff. Just kind
of pull it out if he rolls up on you. So, yeah,
you got that. You look forward and further down
through this circular tunnel, you see ahead of
you that the circle just completes around in
another circle. Look back to where you started.
Would you like to just walk the full circle?
Yeah, check it out. Look around for some stuff.
Uh, Duke, you going too? Uh, why not? Yeah? So...
Hey, Cat, can you not climb stuff? If you're
going to climb, do it efficiently. She was struggling.
Struggle busting. She's like a fat cat, but she's
not even fat. So, Flea Stick Duke are going to
continue the circle loop and forward. Miss Muffin,
are you following along with them? Yeah. So,
you guys start walking, and you walk, and you
do a perfect loop, and you start to see the exit.
The entrance where you first walked in, like
the other loop. But when you get to that loop,
you look forward and there's not a dead body
past where you started last time. Like there's
no dead body there. It's gone. The loop took
us to a different floor. So when you make this
full loop, you see that there's no dead body
there. What would you like to do? Is there a
hallway again? Yeah, it's exactly the same. it
looks identical to where you just were another
loop yeah we do it again you walk another loop
and you see the dead body return okay what the
i'm going to continue to explore this level before
we go to that level okay so you're going to you're
where the dead body is which i understand now
that that is a separate area okay so the loop
and i'm going to explore our original area before
we go digging even deeper into this place Okay,
so would you like to go back the way you came
to the west or the east? I would like to continue
down this hall that led us toward the hamster
wheel room. That's what I'm going to call it.
Okay. The gravity ring hamster wheel room. Yes.
Hamsters. The halo planet room. Yes, it's the
halo room. Ham. All right. Cats eat hamsters.
I don't know what number it is. Probably. Oh,
I am so sorry. I forgot. When you searched this
dude's body, you found a piece of a journal.
And it says, To those who find this, know that
I, Devlin Bashir, am the last surviving member
of the Company of the Yellow Banner. The warlord
Roz... Roznessy. Rozney. stripped us of our weapons
and threw us in here on orders of his master,
Asarak. I can only imagine... I can only imagine
our souls are to be fed to his phylactery. Alas,
it seems he has won. Our company was separated
after the incident with the four -armed gargoyle.
The tomb guardians tore Seward to pieces, and
with him we lost the Starfallen. Our quest was
a failure, even if we'd found the Eye. The elf
princess was gone. My friends would have lasted
long without their weapons, especially with a
doppelganger in our midst. Aseph suspected. Of
course, I kept my staff. I'm sure Brixton would
have seen some humor in that. Gentle reader,
let a dying man offer you one piece of advice.
Aserak is a trickster who desires nothing but
your soul. His riddles may help you, but in the
end, his final secret always leads to your doom.
Temora, save us all. What a douche. Not the guy
that wrote the letter, the trickster guy. I was
like, they are savage. He's like, how dare that
guy give warning to someone else. Watch the trickster
put that note on the dead body. Probably. It
is the dungeon of deception. So you continue
on down the hallway. This room smells of wine.
On a checkerboard marble floor, a gilded coffin
sparkles in sunlight streaming down from the
chamber's vaulted ceiling. Twilight. which arches
12 feet overhead four huge stone gargoyle heads
their mouths agate protrude from the walls what
would you like to do with these big old gate
mouths i walk in okay you walk in and nothing
happens good what would you like to do as you
see this uh sparkling twilight style uh coffin
the sunlight's like trickling down through the
ceiling on it Since I'm more balls than brains,
we'll be opening that thing. Opening that thing.
We'll see how this goes. Hi, cat. Everyone stand
back, I guess. She's going to be easy. Okay,
so are you just going in by yourself to do this,
or are you guys standing back? Wait, is it? That's
their choice. What, the coffin? I'll say what
happens with this coffin. Figure out where people
are. I'm walking without you're going to the
coffin. I'm cautiously standing cops So you in
the room are you out of the room? You're kind
of like I'm like out of the room in the room
All right, so Duke you Lift this coffin door
open I'm assuming you're just opening it right
up. Okay, you open this door and It has like
it has a nice hinge lid, huh? Lid. Yeah. Lid.
Door. Lid. No door. This hits the lid. And it
kind of opens up really nice and just smooth.
And inside the coffin is a wooden plaque. And
it reads, drown your sorrows. And that light
that's shining down on it just disappears as
it hits that wooden plaque. First of his deceptive
clues. Well, he said the clues can be trusted.
As soon as that light hits it, the door that
you came in on, begins to seal shut. Oh, no.
You have... You better watch out. You have...
You have exactly your movement speed to get to
that door. If you do not have your movement speed,
you have other troubles. Grab him and pull him
through. So, what's your movement speed, Duke?
I stay. You're staying in the room? Duke! No!
Okay. I was going to give you cat's grace. That's
Duke Crystal's middle name. Hang on, hang on,
hang on. And you give you two iron head crystals.
I mean, I could get out. I could rage and fly
if I really wanted to. Well, it's a ceiling.
Well, I could fly forward. To get out of the
room? Yeah, my flying distance is more than my
walking distance. Yeah, you can, but you have
one turn. It's like... Well, I can use rage and
movement in one turn. Okay. But I'm not doing
that. You're just staying. Well, it's a little
sus that that clue said something about... Drown
your sorrows and this room's full of wine and
the doors closing. So yeah, it's up to you what
you like What is your Are you really saying I'm
just making sure before I say anything you can
I mean Unless that door is extremely tough. Then
are you probably bust my way through it? You
can give it a shot. That's what you're with.
That's what your goal is. That's what'll happen
once it closes Okay, FleaStick, make me a dexterity
save because you were in the door. It turns out
you were in the most dangerous spot in the room.
I told you, I was outside the door like peeking
like... Yeah, so make me a dexterity save. Hitting
the head of the door like... Well, this is how
a FleaStick does. And I was technically behind
just watching it all go down, save. Alright.
You need a 20. I mean, I guess technically he'd
probably be fine because if I have a whole turn
to give him... Yeah, you got it. So that door
starts to shut and it's just like you feel like
the power of like Rumpke. He's like You just
like dive and roll right out of the way back
out because you're heading towards you're outside
the door So you dive out of the door and it slams
shut because it takes...Duke's just standing
there watching. He's like buffed out. Okay, so...
Curveball dude, you didn't see this coming, did
you? Okay, so the gargoyle heads, as this door
seals and slams shut, you start to see red wine
start pouring out of these gargoyles' mouths
and nostrils. It's just flooding out of their
holes in their bodies. He starts drinking. What
would you like to do on this first round of wine
pouring in? It's going to be pouring in a foot
per round. It's going to fill up pretty quickly.
I see it was just meant to drown you. How tall
is it? This was meant to drown you. How tall
is the door? Was it a drop -down door? Yeah,
it was like a big block. Can your ring do anything?
Lightning. Probably not a great idea when you're
surrounded by liquid. Okay, so, yeah, what would
you like to do? Would you go to the door? Just
curious how tall it was. It's bigger than you.
It's a tall block. Yeah, like a big block kind
of thing sitting there. I'll try and lift it.
You're going to try to lift it? Okay, give me
a very, very strong strength check. That's why
I asked how high the door was. Athletics check.
Athletics? Yes, strength athletics, if that has
any extra buffs. Yes. That ain't going to cut
it. 11. That does not cut it. Sorry, 13. That
does not cut it. Round turns and another foot
of wine pours in through these mouths. So you've
got about two foot of wine starting to fill the
room. What would you like to do? Butt chug it.
Butt chug it. Put your butt on the gargoyle.
Give me a perception check. Sure. 17. So through
the wine kind of pouring through these gargoyles'
mouths and stuff, you're seeing a gap and kind
of what's looking like a shimmer of light through
the mouths of the gargoyle. You're seeing where
the wine is coming through. There's an area behind
it. How high up are they? They're five feet tall,
five feet wide. So you can get up to his mouth.
Yeah, the mouth. So you can reach it. Would you
like to get up close to it? Sure. Okay, so as
you're getting up close to this thing, you're
looking through it, you see a large valve on
the inside of it, like a huge crank wheel on
the inside of this gargoyle's mouth. If you want
to give me a strength athletics check, you can.
It's a very high one. I'll give it a shot. Because
you're also fighting through wine that's pouring
through the thing while you're trying to crank
this valve. 15? That will not do it So yeah another
foot of wine starts to pour in and this time
you're you're You're not it's like the wine pours
in more, but you're hearing like physical like
The wine is starting to like get a little more
solid kind of sounding hit impact But another
foot of wine fills the room and nothing else
happens yet Would you like to try to crank your
wheel again or do anything else? You're hearing
a different impact it's not almost full liquid.
It's kind of starting to form a little differently.
But as of now, you're not noticing anything.
There's not like something in the wine. It's
just, you're just hearing like a change. It's
already creeping up on you. Where was the light
coming in in the room originally? It was coming
in through the ceiling, but when you open the
coffin, it just kind of disappeared. Like it
was almost a fake light. There was no sunlight.
Gotcha. Go for another gargle about. Okay, give
me another screen check. Have you, you haven't
raged, have you? Because that would be, I would
say, that would give you a major injury. That's
going to be for desperate end. Crit. Crit? Okay,
yeah. You crank that, it's so good. It's tight.
It cranks off and then breaks because it'll never
open again. And you hear the wine start to cut
out. And then as it cuts out, you hear like this
kind of like shrieky little cry come from inside
where the valve was in the wine bottle. But because
you stopped it before one more round, you don't
get to find out what that thing was. As you crank
that off, you see the coffin kind of reset and
close, and that light shines back through the
ceiling, and then the block opens up again. Nice.
Crazy. So they're going to have you not only
get flooded, but have to find something as well.
So as this wine, you're seeing it... So as this
wine starts to seal it off again, and you're
seeing the wine kind of run out of the room you're
noticing it run to a Small little hole in the
corner of the building at the very bottom corner
south side of the building a small crawly He
didn't quite spot because your perception check
you made before was already when the room is
filled before true so You can exit the way you
came or you can check out the Broadway tunnel
if you'd like Knowing your history of tunnels,
I don't know if you want to take it, but you
can't. Secret tunnel. Rememberfully. Rememberfully.
Smart choice. Okay. I've already risked enough
on that ballsy venture. That was a risky one.
The reason why I asked how high the door was,
because once the water level got as high as the
door, I figured... It would make the door easier
to lift because everything's easier when it's
submerged. Now we hamster wheel up to the next
level and it's going to be a worser challenge.
Some modern world physics in the D &D realm.
Okay, what would you like to do? Head back and
do what? You going to go through your mirror
loop again? Hamster wheel! Was there any other
paths in the main corridor? So when you came
back, where you first entered through, yeah,
where you came down the stairs, there is a path
south that you did not take. let's try that out
see what's in there out trying that out open
the map up i'll say open the map get it explored
and discovered mapped out okay let me find this
yeah where would you like to go well it's all
black so i mean i do have an ink pedal that never
runs out of ink so we get ready for days and
i also have invisible ink that only the group
can see yeah I wanted to explore this floor before
we went through the loop and went to who knows
where. I'm going to guess a floor that's mirrored
to this one, maybe. Probably. The upside down.
Inverted. It just flipped 180. So, as you guys
head down this path, make me a perception check.
Every single dang one of us? The same dang one
of you that want to. Great. You see a secret
door to the west and you see this door to your
south and it's not a normal door you're hearing
You're seeing this door has got Zombies like
flesh zombies just kind of formed into this door,
but they're kind of still like free a little
bit But there's chain bolts to their mouths that
have them strapped to the doors gross. They're
kind of just like So yeah What would you like
to do? Because they're coming back to try and
walk at you and it's holding the door closed
because they're fused with the door And you guys
are meat So, what would you like to do? Blow
their heads off? I mean, you can. But then how
do you open the door? Because they're fused to
you. It's like part of them. They are the door.
Like the labyrinth. There's a trick to getting
it open. Throw meat the opposite way. How are
you going to get meat on the other side? To make
them look like the door open. Throwing. You can't.
The door's closed. They're the door. So we're
looking at their butts? Nope, they're facing
you like holding this door closed. That's why
I'm not picturing what you mean for us to do.
They are facing you in this hallway and they're
just like, like standing there biting towards
you. And this door is like fused and closed.
They're dead? They're zombies. Then there's something
we can do that gets them to turn around and pull
the door the other way. I'm going to turn the
end dead and have them get the hell out of here.
Okay, so you just turn the end dead? Yeah. Okay,
yeah, you do it and these zombies are like gnawing
at you and then they just kind of like, you see
this magic on them kind of just... fade away
and then they turn and the door fuses and the
middle one splits in half and then they start
to move the opposite direction of you and the
door opens. Nice. Very good. Yay. Good work.
This episode of Dummies with Dice features Kelly
Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal,
Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly. and Tristan
Hayes is the DM. The episode is edited and mixed
by Tristan Hayes. The artwork for Dummies with
Dice created by Al Sorensen can be found on Instagram
under A -R -C -S -I -0. The theme song is The
Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera. When it comes
to Dummies with Dice, you can find our website
on rss .com slash podcast slash dummieswithdice.
and on Facebook at Dummies with Dice. Most importantly,
join our Patreon at patreon .com slash dummieswithdice
for free or for $3 monthly to gain access to
a Discord and bonus content. Come back in two
weeks for new episodes of Dummies with Dice.