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use of violence profanity rude humor and the
portrayal of drug and alcohol use Welcome to
Dummies with Dice a Dungeons and Dragons actual
play podcast that follows three not so average
dummies of our world that get caught up in a
magical storm and are transported to the world
of Dungeons and Dragons where they must survive
and try to find a way back home. Nate here. My
character's Duke Crystal. He's the drug addicted
level six barbarian of the group. Fun fact about
Duke. He only started selling Crystal because
when he was younger, everyone started asking
him for Crystal. Oh, no. Oh, that's usually how
peer pressure goes. Ask for it? I think they
heard his last name and they just kind of made
an assumption that that was a nickname or an
alias. Wrong. Wrong. So they were right. Hey,
I'm Kelly Lee and I play Miss Muffin. She's a
crazy cat lady rogue. Fun fact, cats can jump
six times their own height. Okay, good fact about
Miss Muffin. It says... Hey everybody, Ryan Tucker
here. I play as Pleasstick Sock Jelly. I am the
hobo trash master cleric of the god Runky. I
am the MacGyver of all things trash and garbage.
Fun fact, Pleasstick's dad was Leon Ray Livingston.
If you know, you know. If not, Google it. I don't
know. My name is Tristan Hayes and I am the dummy
master. and my fun fact today is that neil armstrong
hair was once sold in 2004 for three thousand
dollars the guy took it off the floor and sold
it did they do a dna match i'm sure it's a guy
that's collected stuff that he's like an against
world record or something he's got george washington's
hair i believe probably he's got apparently he's
got neil armstrong's hair too So, where we left
off, you guys had, well, Duke had lied and snuck
his way inside of a cultist camp, found some
prisoners that you guys were asked by Corley
to go retrieve, who were people who worked for
the Iron Spine Keep that you guys now own. Miss
Muffin and Felice Thick, on the other hand, tried
to sneak in as well with the same lie that Duke
used and failed and killed the guards in the
tower. And, uh, Duke ended up convincing a guard
to take him into where the armory was with special
weapons and sneak attack him. So that's where
we are. I believe where we, right where we left
off was you just stuck him with a knife. Yes.
So, um, yeah, you guys stick him with this knife
and he's like, what the fuck? I thought, what,
what are you doing? I'm stabbing you with this
knife. I can see that. It hurts. It hurts. He
goes, well, why? Why? I thought we were going
to do a business deal. What are you? I'm robbing
you. You're robbing me? And then he's going to
try to break out of this grab. Strength check.
No, we're just playing. He's got three plus one.
Do you want to edit that? Huh? Do you want to
edit that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Roll a strength
check. You can roll a strength check. It's not
going to matter, though, because I rolled it.
No, probably not. Very low. We're going to try
to break out. Yeah, you beat me. Six plus five,
so 11. You're plus five when you beat me. Oh,
gosh. Yeah, he tries to swerve free, and he can't.
So it's your turn to do whatever you want to
do again. Hmm. Well, since he fought with me,
I'm going to stab him. Okay, stab him again.
All right. I mean, I might miss. I feel like
it's unlikely. I'm going to get advantage when
I'm grappling. Yeah, you're going to get advantage.
Yeah, I'm not missing. Let's see. 19 hit him.
Yes. All right. That's a 1 plus 5, so 6 damage.
1 plus 5, 6 damage? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I almost
stabbed him again. Yeah. Second attack. Yeah,
that's a 15 plus 8. Yeah, that's it. That time
it's 3 plus 5, so 8. 8 damage. Okay, so yeah,
you stick him a couple more times and you see
him starting to really lose some blood. He's
kind of getting weak. You feel the grapple starting
to get a little more shaky on the knees. He's
like, please, okay, what do you want? What do
you want to do? What do you want? He's fading.
He's low he's bloody If you agree to be my slave
I'll stop stabbing you but other than that you're
gonna have to die it's well fuck I don't want
to die as I can kid you you me Because I'm hurting
he's a now I get stuff a rag in them holes Maybe
even all right make me a medicine check to try
to try to heal this guy if you're good if you're
gonna make he says uh Because yeah, I guess dude
honestly these guys suck. I was hired to come
guard this place so Because the you know hail
hail whoever they hail, but if you're gonna fix
me I'm like fuck it sure I'm like a flat tier
wisdom. So all right a Seven you go to wrap him
up and roll me a d4 The one one okay, so you
start wrapping this bandage around him or however
you're trying to stuff it in there and you gotta
stuff in like this piece of bandage into this
like wound you just stuck in him and you realize
that you're you went a little too deep and you
caused a little bit more damage he's like he's
okay okay okay i'm sorry because i get you're
trying to help i get it but that's that's not
gonna do it so um i guess we'll see what we can
do here uh he kind of just like falls to his
knees so if you're gonna bring this guy with
you you can but he's gonna be weak So well, he
didn't seem like much of a threat anymore. So
yeah, he's kind of yeah, he's not he's like he's
either gonna bleed out He's like or he's gonna
be coughing up some blood. He's gonna be our
servant one of the two So, okay. So with that
we're gonna flip back to flea stick and miss
muffin You guys are still in the guard tower
at the south side of the camp. What would you
guys like to do? You know guards still there.
We did you kill the two guys in the towers? As
you look out across the camp, though, you see
to your... East? East. West. Left is east or
is left west? West is west. Okay, to your west
side. So to your west side, you see... To the
west side? You see three cultists standing around
some tents and some campfires. and then you see
the entrance that duke walked in and then duke
walked the opposite direction of where you guys
were but um to the east side of the camp straight
ahead you don't seem to see any guards kind of
on that area but since you're kind of overlooking
the whole camp right here in this tower you're
able to see what's kind of closer up right there
so what would you guys like to do there's buildings
and there's bigger there's a big red and white
striped building right next to you guys like
right in front of you guys but you can't see
what's inside I would like to set up a way for
Duke to get out. How would you like to do that?
Like, you want to do, cause distractions, or
you want to, like, set something up to where
it's, like, he knows, like, this is a safe way
to get out, or what do you use your plan? Kind
of. I just kind of want to direct him out with
all the peeps. Or we could call, you want to
cause a distraction so he can get all them people
out? How many people is it? A lot. There's five
groups, and there's five in each group. five
distractions is there anything flammable here
bob we can light up fire get them all freaking
out well uh so about let me see here so about
50 feet in front of you guys right past the red
and white strike building there is a campfire
lit and then there is a campfire lit around the
three cultists to your west side is there a building
i can set on fire somewhere um sure yeah any
of the buildings all the buildings look like
they have except for One of them looks like they
all have kind of like canopy tops. Alright, so
I'm just gonna take a torch and chuck it on top
of one of these buildings to the east, Greg.
You need to go west. You said the big white and
red building that's right in front of you? The
big one? Is this it? Um, where are you guys at?
I'm right here. You guys are over there. Oh,
we're over there? You're on the blue circle right
there. Oh, okay. So that's that building. And
Duke needs to come out what, over here? He's
in the middle. I mean, I could start slaying
my way out, honestly. Well, if I can cause a
distraction, I can get the bulk of them over
there. Yeah, at this point, no one knows Duke's
fighting anybody. I would say this dude, if he
calls out to somebody, I'm going to cut his throat.
I don't think he wants to die. He should be chill.
At your current stance, no one knows that Duke's
fighting anyone? As long as I keep him in this
room. Wait, hold on, because they think you bought
them all, didn't they? They think I'm in there
discussing business with that guy. Now, if I
walk out without him, they might have questions.
I could either heal him with a potion and risk
him being back to full health and saying, all
right, I'm going to attack you again. I guess
we're just going to wait to see what goes on
with him. See his way out. See if he comes out
with me. I mean, what is my deception? You're
going to chill? You're going to hide? Ooh, plus
four. I could, like, turn into my demon form
and then tell him he has to do a blood pact.
I'll let you do that if you want. Maybe then
he won't fuck around. Are you trying to do a
deception roll? If you want to do that, you'll
have to use one rage and you'll only get one
or two actions. I figured after that I would
either have to waste it and turn back to normal
and walk out with him undercover with us or just
while I'm still in rage. Come out the building
and just fly straight at the closest dude and
start swinging. So if you guys are going to hold
your turns and do something... I don't know.
If something... That's just... Those are two
options if we want. I'll just wait back and snipe
if he needs assistance. I mean, it depends on
what we're wanting to do. If we're trying to,
like, subterfuge and sneak our way out. It's
all... It's based... Yeah, we don't know. I'm
just going to wait to see what dude does. All
they know is they saw you go into a building
and talk to a guy, so... I mean, I could waste
a rage and, like, deceive him and... Probably
get him to, like, not ever betray us out of fear
of his soul being consumed. Try that if you want.
Okay, we can do that. So what are you going to
do? Oh, yeah, might as well. Okie dokie, then.
Okay, so, you're going to do a rage. Is that
what you plan? You do want to do that? Yeah.
Okay, so you begin to rage just out of, like...
Well, I'm gonna tell him first before I... Okay,
I was gonna say, I was just gonna play out, so
I was about to ask. I'm gonna give him the pitch
of a... I can actually heal your wounds completely,
but there's a catch. He says, um, okay, what's
the catch? I'll have to have your soul on bargain
as long as you never betray us. Your soul's safe.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Your
soul? My soul? What do you mean? How are you
going to have my soul? Well, just do a blood
pact. As long as you serve me and you never betray
me. Are you a demon? What do you mean, serve
you? You want my soul? What are you? You have
to answer the question before you can ask questions.
Okay, so roll. Is this deception or is this more
of intimidation at this point? Because you are
a bit of a demon. It's a little of both. I feel
like if you want to use either one, you can.
Because you are kind of lying to him to take
his soul, but are you really going to take his
soul? You don't know. He could. I might be able
to. I don't even know. It's up to you. If you
want to roll deception or intimidation, you can
do that. I'd ask him, do you need proof? um proof
would be cool like what do you like what do you
mean okay range it's gonna be range yeah okay
so you get um what what does your demon form
like look like what do you what is like what
is an idea duke crystal demon i would say similar
to normal duke but probably increased height
by a few inches and muscle mass by a bit Probably
black veins. Black eyes. Reddish, you know, like
the whites of the eyes are black, the pupils
are red. Ooh. Pointer, kind of longer ears. I'm
picturing like Devil Trigger on this. Yeah. Devil
Trigger, like wings come out and stuff. Okay,
so. Definitely got wings. Sadly enough, you haven't
used this yet, so. When you go into this rage,
and you finally come out of this demon form I'm
gonna kill him you realize that Whenever you
go into demon form there is a rather Fiery explosion
that comes off of you once you finally get that
fire of hell's power around you So he's got to
make a save real quick He saves okay, so yeah,
you kind of erupt and I get to see this it's
the same smell again I can twist that like your
thunder clap. We're using that fire Is it a complete
save or half damage save? It's a complete save.
It's not a huge crazy damage. It's just like
a fiery explosion that happens around you. He
kind of like sees you go into this demon mode
and he's like, oh shit! He jumps back and then
just gets on the very edge of this fiery ring
that just burns the ground. You see everything
around you just charred into a black swar and
you're just demon mode. Okay. What you do now,
you're in demon mode. You'll have about one action
or so before you're gonna... How much conversation
is in one action? Yeah, I mean, like, that's
what I mean. You're gonna get about one or two,
like, rolls if you're wanting to try and, like,
convince him and talk him into stuff. Okay. Is
this enough proof for you? Oh, fucking shit.
Oh, God. Okay, so, you are a demon? You're a
demon in disguise as a person? What the fuck's
going on? I am both demon and person. You want
my soul. So what are you going to do with my
soul? What happens if I give you my soul? I don't
want your soul particularly. It's just I need
to know you won't betray me and I know that your
soul is important to you. So I want you to barter
it. This is WWE final boss. So I don't think
I'm going to have you roll anything. So he goes.
Whoa! He goes, oh, my God. He goes, you are.
And you walked right into our camp. He goes,
these guys follow another guy. Oh, God. He goes,
it's Tazam or something, Saztam. He goes, I don't
fucking know. They hired me. I was just roaming
through. I'm a guard. I'm guarding these fucking
prisoners they got. He goes, but I haven't seen
their lord. I haven't seen him. He goes, but
I see you. Holy shit. Okay, so, yeah, if you
want some help, let's go. But you said you could
heal me? He is. I thought I will potion of greater
healing. Okay, greater healing. Okay. Okay. Oh,
okay What is that? 4d4? Yeah. Plus four? Stands
up with a raging heart on it. I mean, I am a
demon. I should have good healing stuff. I need
to have cheap stuff. Gotta play the part. I'm
pretty sure the part's not played. He's locked.
Yeah, that's a good call too. He's got 13 health
back. That puts him to almost full. So, yeah,
you do that. He drinks that potion down, and
then he feels like his wounds kind of fuse back
together, and he's still a little, like, dazed
and confused, but he drops to his knees, and
he's like, what is your name, my lord? I'll only
give you my mortal name, Duke Crystal. Okay.
He goes, okay. Hail, uh, Duke Crystal, I guess.
You can just call me Duke. Duke. Okay, Duke.
Dookie. So now what would you like to do? Well,
Lord Duke. Okay, Lord Duke, what do we do now?
What do you want to do here? I'd say your rage
is going to run out pretty soon because you're
not attacking, you're not fighting. Well, what
do you guys think? Off board. Off board. Do we
want to go full combat? Do we want combat or
stealth? Because you still need to get those
people out. Stealth? Okay. I'll tell him that
we're going to talk our way out of here. And
if we have to, we'll fight. But we'll try to
be stealthy about it. Yeah, he goes, okay. We're
going to talk our way out. And he goes, all right,
cool. I mean, I'll be honest with you. A lot
of these guys are spellcasters as fuck. Because
they are good at range. They're good at fire.
They're good at all kinds of stuff. I'm sure
in your lordship form, you won't be too damaged
by fire, but in your mortal form, you may be
more weak to it. So, you know, you just got to
be careful there. Fair evaluations. He says,
so what's our best option? What are we going
to do? I mean, I can help you kind of talk your
way through, but are you really here to get these
people, or are you just here to, like, fuck shit
up? Like, what's the point? These people are
going to serve me. Oh, so they're more servants.
You're going to take their souls, too. Yeah,
he goes, okay. If I need to, he goes. Okay, well,
at least I know that you're not going to be just
a follower. I'm not going to be a follower of
one, you know, just being the only loser following
you. So, I mean, that's cool. That's cool. That's
cool. He goes, how are we going to get them out
of here, though? Because there are cultists on
the way, and they're going to have questions.
Walk right out. We'll figure that out in a minute.
First, what weapons do you have? Um, what weapons
did we say they were? Did we say what they were?
No, I'm talking about him. Like, what's he carrying?
Oh, okay, you want to know what his stuff is?
Because if this shit's junk, he's throwing it
down and grabbing good shit out of this fucking
building. So, this guy has a packed blade. It's
kind of like, you know, a forming, a spectral
blade that kind of forms in his hand. So, it's
a... One d8 plus two. I don't know how to tell
you He's a fowl on the a plus two so damage,
but it's plus two d6 necrotic damage So look
how much that plus one d6 plus two d6? And then
he kind of like pops his hand up and he forms
a little light with his hand and he goes well
I can form some light. I've got thaumaturgy i've
learned a couple spells but really i can't cast
spell spells he goes but i can do uh command
twice a day and hold person once a day and he
can do a spiritual weapon twice a day so kind
of have a little bit of ability there but not
a whole lot of spellcasting okay yeah so uh he
goes yeah i can help you with some stuff i guess
but all right what all stuff was in this room
again then In this room, he showed you a longsword
of warning that gave you advantage on initiative
rolls and would wake you up if there were enemies
nearby when you were sleeping. And a javelin
of lightning that does lightning instead of piercing
damage, and if you throw it, it becomes a lightning
bolt between you and a target of five foot long.
Okay, I'll definitely be taking the lightning
javelin. I don't think the sword would be very
effective with him because he... His sword he
has is pretty good, so... Are you taking the
sword? I'll probably take it in case one of them
want to use it, or for anyone at the camp, maybe.
Put it in the armory. There you go. Sounds good.
I mean, yeah, you can always use it to sell it
off, too. Create economy and stuff if you ever
need to get rid of stuff. True. You have a home
to take care of. Okay, then. So, what are you
liking to do now that you've got your weapons?
uh let's see walk out the front door and if you
walk out the door you came in you will be walking
past the two guards that you originally talked
to so uh make up a real coordinate a story man
what is old boy's name uh cultist fanatic guard
um uh his culty course yeah he goes uh because
my name is Radish? Radish? He goes, Radish, the
cultist card. He goes, so you can call me Rad
if you want. No. He goes, you don't have to if
you don't want to. He goes, but Radish. You can
call me Radish. Or Rad. I just give you a new
title. Yes. And a new name because your parents
didn't like you very much. I'm sorry to say.
No, you're correct. They beat me. What's he look
like? A Radish. A Radish. I hope we don't look
like a radish. So this guy's got like, he's kind
of bigger. He's not like a skinny scrawny like
mage type, but he's looking kind of like a warlock,
kind of like you. He's just like kind of bigger
though. So he's got markings all down his arms,
like green, kind of look like tattooed markings
all over him. He is a human. He's not fancy.
He don't have horns. He's not a tiefling or nothing.
Human? We'll call him a strong arm. Strong arm?
Yeah. okay how did he get here he goes uh okay
thanks uh thank you lord i'll be i'll be lord
i'll be i'll be servant stronger this is my stronger
this is my strong hand don't make it weird okay
yes you're right you're right you're right so
you guys going to walk out then all right uh
yeah we'll just say that we did a trade for i
bought both the weapons and that i gave them
uh Some bloodstones, which I'll give him my four
bloodstones that I have and a couple necklaces
he can hold on to. It'll make it sound like...
We'll talk them up like they're real special.
They'll give you advantage on the rolls too then
since you're gonna have him actually with bartered
items of yours. Good planning for it. So yeah,
you walk out and these two guards around the
campfire are like, oh, so did you guys make a
deal? What did you guys do? I see about the javelin.
our job on a black king on your back. He goes,
what did you guys make a deal with that? One
of the weapons? Yeah, we made a trade. A trade.
What did you trade? What are you trading here?
Four really rare bloodstones that hold special
power and two elegant necklaces that were held
by empresses. He goes, okay, give them to me.
Let me see them. And then the guy, your, what
did you do? Strong arm. Strong arm hands the
cultist. He goes, yeah, they are. He goes, they
look amazing. He said he was going to give some
gold and some stuff like this for the prisoners,
and he gave these in for the gems, too. Well,
I still have more. Yeah, roll the deception with
advantage. Now that you've showed him the gems
and you have your friend talking them up. Let's
see. Here's a 21. And a little old 21. 21? Okay.
Yeah, he goes, wow, the light shining off this
bloodstone makes it look real bloody. He's like
holding it up, just kind of staring at it. He
goes, you know what? Yeah, go ahead. Take them.
Take them. And you guys are able to walk over
there if you're wanting to grab them out of the
thing. You wanted to head your way towards the
prisoners? Yes. Okay. So. You walk past around
the corner and you head down towards the prisoners
and you open the gate and you see them all kind
of like weak and hurt and they're like limping
around. They're like, what are you doing back
here? Who are you people? He sees you with the
guard. Here to do possible trading for your prisoners.
The prisoners are asking you this. Oh, the prisoners?
Oh, fuck. I thought it was one of the guards.
What they don't know us at all? No, they don't
know you because you guys came to the place after
they had already left and got trapped behind
the fog and been captured. Is there guards nearby?
There's one on a tower over watching. Is he within
like hearing, like eavesdropping distance? Probably.
No, he's not hearing much right now. Okay. If
you're talking quietly, of course. Well, I'll
whisper to him to act cool. I'm here to get him
out of here. Take them back to the old hook in
the base. I guess okay Yeah, they they they kind
of like shrivel back as they see the guards standing
with you That's been watching them and holding
them in place this whole time. They're like why
are you what what do you mean? Why are you with
him? You're taking us out of here. He's been
undercover He beat the shit out of us he was
whipping us Yeah, I'm sorry about that. She turns
around and points at a dog. She's like he burned
him He burned that dog. I'm sorry about that,
but we had to do some nasty stuff to infiltrate
this camp. Okay, roll deception. I'm just going
off the fly right now. How's 14? 14? Yes, they
believe everything you're saying. Yes, they got
an at one on there trying to incite, see what's
going on here. So they're like, okay, I mean,
I get it. If you had to be undercover, you had
to be to get us out. And this guy talking to
you, he's like an older, older man. He's got
like a long gray beard. And he's like, we've
been scouting the areas and they all took us
in here. And he goes, but they don't know what
they want with us. I guess they're just trying
to sell us off. He goes, so, I mean, yeah, let's
get out of here. And they will follow you now.
Now, which way would you like to move to get
out of this camp? Because you do have all the
prisoners, a guard, and yourself. And I'll say
at this point, Flea Stick and Miss Muffin, you
guys can see Duke standing with a guard talking
to all the prisoners inside there. You see him
come around the corner now and he's talking to
them all. How rare are centaur hooves? Centaur
hooves? I'd say they're pretty rare. I mean,
like, most centaur are pretty brutal. They're
pretty brutal. Are you asking, like, your guard
with you? No, I'm just asking you kind of. Because
I never got them appraised or asked you. I would
say that they're decently brave. I figured if
I'm going to walk out of here with them without
combat, I'm going to have to do more deceiving
on, yeah, I purchased them with this, and then
maybe go out running with all the stuff that
I said I purchased with them. I'm a prisoner,
too. Once again, I'm just going with the fly,
really, just winging it. They're not super rare.
Not super, super rare. They're crafting items.
Yeah, that's what I figured. I was like, yeah,
I don't know if that'll work. But at this point,
you have the prisoners convinced to follow you.
You have the two guards at the north end convinced
that you're good to go through, and the guard
following you. You have an option of the west
entrance you came in through or a south entrance
that you can see I'm gonna go out the one that
I came in originally That way the guards hopefully
recognize me as a little traitor Okay, so you
start to make your way out of this camp here
and you get past You start to, like, walk out
the front door you came in. The guards look at
you and they go, Oh, okay, you guys, you did
a deal, I guess? You taking the prisoners we
were having? Yeah, I purchased them. Purchased
them. Purchased them. What did we get out of
this? I see you got our lightning bolt on your
back. Oh, yeah, that was a whole separate trade.
You got a lot of rare magical gems. Magical gems.
Let me guess. Bloodstones. These aren't simple
bloodstones. Okay, keep going. Continue. What's
special about these bloodstones, you say? Well,
they're imbued with magic by a pretty powerful
sorcerer. Powerful sorcerer. And he, like, shoots
the magic about his hand. He goes, hmm, can I
see them? Sure. Who has them? Does the guard
have them still? Or did you give them to the
other people? Well, didn't they go about that?
He's just looking at him. Did he give you a pocket?
I guess he did give him back. He got one and
he was looking at it. He might have pocketed
one. Yeah, you can toss it up to him. Roll deception
with advantage. Since you're throwing him his
item again. Six plus four. Fifteen. Fifteen?
He goes, damn. pretty good bloodstone and he
puts it in his pocket he goes all right all right
get out of here get out of here and you guys
you can freely walk out with good people well
we weren't needed no you guys you guys i know
i was trying to think of a way to like incorporate
you guys did we search the guards that we killed
it's kind of complicated uh you can if you like
you didn't search them we were searching them
this whole time yeah you spent this it's your
fault kelly you said you wanted stealth combat
You guys would have been buried. You could have
created distractions to get guards away, but
I thought you were going to burn them. I just
had to talk my way out of every exchange. This
is like deception, deception, deception. I was
just going to wait to see how bad things got.
Not bad. What do we roll? Now you guys have to
escape. Okay, so you're going to roll to loot
these two guards, is that what you're saying?
Yep. Okay. Give me investigation. That's what
I was going to say. We shouldn't even have to
roll. It's been so long. We've had so long with
these bodies. 17. I don't believe that's how
all that works. What are we rolling? Investigation.
Investigation. Seven. Okay. With advantage since
we've been here so long? No. This is some bullshit.
I just had to just stare at this body for so
long getting traumatized. Okay, hang on here.
Apparently you guys were just watching me waiting
for shit to hit the fan. We'll just stay in here
as backup. See how things play out. Oh, he left
with all the prisoners. Where are you? I guess
we've got to get out of here. Did you find a
flea stick? I found a flea stick. I'm sorry,
I'm on the wrong thing here. I'm going to do
something real quick. You don't want it? No.
And we took their guard. And I kept all the stuff
I supposedly traded. That was a win -win -win.
We already looted their Twisted Tea. I already
looted their weapons building to have their best
stuff. What's a Twisted Tea called in D &D land?
Tea Twisty. Tea that's Twisty. Uh, it's probably...
spiked root juice a brewed a leafy brewed ale
yeah fruit juice leaf ale I need to roll something
for you flea stick what did you get again roll
me the d100 down there boys and girls with our
new d100 go ahead you got it move your other
die you got the high roll Let's hear it. One!
No way! You roll with advantage? It don't matter.
It's just a list of items. You find a bead of
nourishment. This flavorless... The latinus bee
dissolves on your tongue and provides nourishment
as one day of ration. Is it extra effective if
I doof it? One sucked. He loves to bumble. If
you want it, it'll be two days of ration. Yeah!
That's wild. Yeah, I'd say the one was probably
a bad roll. Can I roll a two? No. I'm sorry.
You had a low roll on your investigation. You
can roll it if you want to roll it. Go ahead.
Yeah. Useful. This letter gets something. What'd
you get? A 14. 14. Let's see what she would have
found. Okay. This is going to be painful. It
could be painful. If you find what you would
have found. Oh, this is just going to piss her
off. It's going to be like something super majestic.
It's something I can see under that dead body.
It's like a unicorn cat. Or like feline pendant.
A cat you can fly on or some shit. Look, now
he's going to make one up. He's going to make
one up. I'm stealthy. I'll steal it when my DM
turns around. Well, I just don't exist. You could
have locked that in. Okay, you got a 14 and that's
what you were wanting to see with the random
thing you could have gotten. You could have gotten
clothes of mending. I'm sorry. I can mend stuff.
Well, I'm just going to be like... I would imagine
they either mend your wounds. Or the clothes
repair themselves. Okay. Or you just wear them
like a diaper and your butt cracks mend it three
times. If it was clothes that mended your wounds,
that would be... Okay, so... Please think, yes,
you find your thing, and Ms. Buffen, you find
nothing. What would I find? Your thing. Beet
of nourishment. Beet of nourishment. What's it
taste like? Well, he won't be tasting it. Yeah,
he won't be tasting it unless he has taste buds
in his butt. That would be a horrible place to
have taste buds. Tricks on you. That would be
a horrible place. He'd be like, I taste my dinner
twice. Yeah. It's worse the second time. Much
worse. All the good stuff's been sucked out.
Human centipede. Okay, so are you guys going
to leave and make your way towards Duke now?
Okay, so you kind of head back down towards the
path where you forked and you meet up and you
guys see Duke with your big group of friends.
With a new group of friends. You got 5, 10, 15,
20, 25. You got a headcount of 25 people. Small
militia. We have an army. but you also have a
very large place that's going to be a lot of
workers and more people gardening and everything
else so what would you like to do now head back
make your way back towards uh the tracks and
follow your paths back towards uh your iron spine
keep i'm assuming you're gonna head straight
back yeah we gotta get these to work we got one
a hell of an employee investment okay get these
back to work uh make me a roll for that so we're
gonna do You guys want to work first and tune
up? Call it me because I left first. Hey guys,
that's totally the episode. 19. Okay, yeah. So
at 19, you were able to kind of make your way
back towards Iron Spine Keep. So, you make your
way back to Iron Spine Keep and you're kind of
coming back and it's starting to make its way
towards... uh later in the night it's not fully
nighttime yet but later midday yes um and you
make your way back in and all of everybody's
coming in and you get back and corley's sitting
at the table in the main room of your keep i
don't know what you call the building big building
inside the keep iron iron you said it's on sparky
yeah it's the iron spine building of ironspun
yes great hall So yeah, you walk in and Corley's
there and she goes, oh, you found them all. They're
back, they're back. Thank God they're back. And
she's kind of, she says, well, I'm going to start
making food and get everybody ready. She goes,
so you guys just relax and seriously, fucking
thank you. And she runs into the kitchen and
she starts. You're just going to make food for
25 prisoners. Yeah. Well, 24 prisoners and one
guard. Yes. And so. Duke, the older man that
you were speaking to inside the prisoner camp
when you were talking to the group of prisoners,
he kind of walks up and he's like, thanks. Thank
you. What's your name? Duke Crystal. Lord Duke.
Lord Duke. He goes, okay. He goes, so I seriously
appreciate you saving us all. He goes, I got
information if you need it. He goes, so the cultists
there, they are worshiping Tazam. He goes, I
don't think it's really Tad Sam. He goes, he
doesn't come out this way. We've listened to
them and they have never seen him. They just
know of him and they think that they're worshiping
him, but they don't. I don't think they really
are. I don't think it's really their God. So
take that with what you can, but just know that
whatever's out there is powerful enough to trick
all these people into thinking that they're following
someone powerful. So be careful. They shall follow
the Lord. Little does he know I am one of those
powerful people. I need followers. Yes, you do.
I need my powers lifted. Sadly, we're probably
going to pay these people a wage. I think I'm
going to start a church service once a week for
Rumpke. I guess I could pay a strong wage. I'll
go to church at Rumpke. Okay, so Flea Stick,
are you wanting to... Are you gonna go like talk
to some of the people you brought back or are
you like wanting to just kind of like state it?
I'm just gonna kind of like stage out to the
open like you follow you Lord Rumpke We'll gain
some powers the more you do the more you They're
like, what is this? But can we not baptize in
dumpster juice? So roll me a persuasion check.
See how many people you convince to start following
Lord Brumfield. I don't know if I want to openly
come out and be like, worship me! Four. Four?
Okay. Four people. Okay, so I rolled pretty high
on people who were going to be conducted. So
yeah, you will get four people. I was going to
add more to your roll, but yeah. So yeah, you
got four followers they walk up they're like
hey, so you're what are you you're gonna you're
gonna help us feel good and get power from Yes,
your only job is to recruit the more you recruit
the more power you feel the more power you feel
the better it is So we recruit people for what
like for you for Rumpke yes Slowly imbue you
with hours. All right, you have to have a baptism
in my dumpster juice first And it will only be
a drop to the forehead do we got to do that now
Is that what we're gonna go do to get like start
whenever you feel ready for it. Let's do honestly
I'm pretty gross now. I could beat shit you guys.
So let's do this So I can clean this all off
at one time Okay, so you guys step outside and
you see, if any of you are going to... I'm watching.
You're watching? Okay, so yeah, Ms. Muffin, you're
standing there watching. What does this look
like, Flea Stick? What's the ceremony of dumpster
juice dumping look like for these poor people?
Is it dumping or dunking? Yeah, is it dunking
or dumping? You're like spritzing them with it
like holy water. He said it's one drop on the
forehead. It's kind of just like a smear to the
forehead in the shape of my shield. So the entire
face? No, in the shape of an R right on the forehead.
So you're not doing the palm on the face in Sanchez?
Yes, that works. I will take the handprint from
my dumpster -y face and imbue them with the power
of the god Arunki. As long as they worship him
every morning, he will... Grace them with his
presence. Pray over your touchdowns. You touch
your face with this dumpster juice handprint
on your face. And then you reach out and you
touch their face. And when you remove your hand,
you see this dumpster juice on their face kind
of just shiver and glow a little bit. And you
see it kind of stay there. It doesn't run. It
doesn't leave their face. They're like, oh my
God. Why did that feel magical? is this stuck
to me for good you have the power of a god you
see them like trying to wipe it off in their
face and it just keeps like it keeps like coming
there it just stays there it's a curse for the
blessing how is this is this gonna how is this
gonna give how is this gonna give us power what
do we collect more trash okay so i have to worship
him every morning obviously he said oh there's
a catch You also stink more and more the more
power you give. Tell us more, tell us more. The
more powerful you become, the more brands you
will smell. But you will not notice it. Yeah,
so they go... Sex? God? Power? The rule was to
worship him every morning and recruit more? Yes.
Okay, so we'll do that because I don't know what's
going to happen. It's kind of like a pyramid
scheme. The more you recruit... Don't say that!
It's like a pyramid scheme, but not. But instead,
the gods rail. But it's actually beneficial.
They walk away with nasty -smelling dumpster
juice on their face. Going, what's a pyramid
scheme? What's a pyramid scheme? What's a beaker
lid? And they walk inside to hopefully try to
wash off their face. Little did they know, it
will never wash away. Sparkly glitter dumpster.
Ms. Muffin, you see all that happen. What are
you doing? So, how many of them cut the skin
off their face trying to get that thing off?
None yet. They don't have to be on their face.
Give it a couple weeks. I'm still out. Yeah,
that's what you're doing. You're giving them
like blessings. Every time they recruit someone,
you're just going to touch them somewhere else
until their whole body's just shining. You can
have your trash power. I'll have my cat power.
You get a start with the face and then it's badging.
You get the other side of the face. Yeah, then
you go back, chest, arms, legs. Rumpke Scouts
of D &D. Grab a shaft. Whatever, man. The Rumpke
Scouts of D &D. He said eventually he's going
to have to credit card the booty crack and everything.
That's the final part. You get the flounder cheese
flick to the nose. So that dude, he's like five
star general at that point. He's like the best
follower, worshiper ever. Who knew we were going
to get into the lore of that god that we made
up. He needed followers. How do you know he's
made up if you believe? So, Ms. Muffin. As you
are sitting there watching this go down, these
people walk past you and you sniff nasty stink,
you feel your wrists start to vibrate. Lilith?
Lilith? Yes. Did you answer? I said, Lilith?
Yeah. So you reach it up and you say, Lilith,
and you hear her and she goes, Holy fuck. Holy
fuck. Miss Muffin. Miss Muffin. Shit is so bad.
Shit got so wrong after you guys left. So...
Lord's Alliance people. I guess you broke into
their prison. You did all that. You worked with
the Dwarven clan. You worked with the Dwarven
clan. We know about it all. Everybody's pissed.
You left the Dwarven clan. You didn't help them.
You didn't help them and I vouched for you. She
goes, but that doesn't even matter because they're
dead. The ones that you came after are dead.
Yeah, and my cat's still missing. So what do
you say about that, Lilith? My cat, Lilith! No,
the Dwarven's hired you to go get the prisoner
out and you said... you're not going to take
her back to the prisoners. You went to the vault
yourself. Too many things happened to my cat.
So, yeah, so she goes, no, but that's not even
the worst problem because they're all... Yes,
it is, Lilith! They're all dead, Miss Muffin.
The dwarves that hired you are dead. Lord of
the Lions didn't kill them. Gabagool did. Well,
Gabagool is a good boy and he does what Duke
Crystal tells him. Not anymore. So something
must have happened and he had to... That's what
the problem is. You guys left Glabagool with
the Dwarves. The Lord's Alliance got mad at you
guys. The Lord's Alliance came after us. Glabagool
had killed all of the Dwarves, went looking for
Duke to find Duke, killed the Lord's Alliance
people, found out that you guys are free from
the Lord's Alliance, and never came back for
him. We were coming back. He's slaughtering everybody.
We were coming back. We would never forget our
Glabagool. Maybe we forgot to give Glabagool
patient talk. about patience. Yes. We'll come
back and correct his errors. We'll fix it. We'll
fix it. Apparently not buying his truck. Miss
Muffin, there isn't anything to come back. He
started slaughtering the town. He went back to
what he knows. Move everyone that's left into
our new place. We're creating a whole new world.
I have all that's left. Well then come on. Come
on and help me save my cat says she goes he's
he's literally here subway. He is lurking around
the town To him find him and let us talk to him.
I'll walk around She has to sign up. He's epic.
He's still working. You know, she was she saying
is he's working Your boyfriend wants to talk
to you. Is he which? Yeah, you gotta sign up
for rump. Yeah, I'm not looking for $75 every
three months with two cans for rental Well, if
anyone sees him, just tell him where we're at.
Point him a direction. Okay. He'll kill anything.
You guys kind of jump again in conversation.
He goes, okay, so Duke's there. You guys are
all good? Okay. You want me to tell him where
you're at? Yes. If he's looking for me, then
yeah. We love him. Okay. I mean, listen, he might
kill me if he sees me. I'll tell him. I'm not
saying go look for him. I'm saying if you run
into him and he's trying to kill you anyways,
you could probably tell him that and it might
save your life. Don't go looking for him if he's
on a killing streak. Where are you? Where are
you at? we're at our keep and I give him rough
directions. I mean, yeah, yeah. You've got directions
enough from Corley. I don't know how to get here
from most. Well, it's Northeastern. So she goes,
okay, so I'm going to head that way. And then
as you hear her start to say, like, she's or
not head that way. She's a. She says, okay, well,
I'm going to try to survive through here, and
if I see him, I'll tell him where you're at.
And as she's saying that, you hear, oh, you're
going to tell Duke where I'm at. And then you
just hear the big squishing and smashing and
the fledging of Glabigool flopping around. He
goes, Duke? Yes? Where are you? She was about
to tell you, buddy. Where are you? I gave him
the same directions. He goes, okay, I'm coming.
And then you just hear like this. Like, squishing
and sloshing around. Did the wristband stay in
him so we can talk to him? It hasn't shut off
yet. Every person he has killed, all their equipment
that's non -organic, like... It's all in there
for a decent amount of time before it breaks
down. So, yeah, you're still hearing sloshing
and moving. It hasn't turned off. And we're like,
Globical, can you hear us? Can you calm yourself
and remember how much we love you? We were coming
back. Fuck you, I'm coming after Duke, and I'm
coming there, and I'm going to talk to you guys
myself. Globical, okay, get here. Don't fuck
it, buddy. Get here. You start here, and then
you hear the thing kind of shut off. Slop and
slop and slop. Yeah, slop and slop and slop.
So you hear the flop on his face. He knows how
to flop over. He's doing the fast move. The one
that he failed to do for you. Yeah, the one that
Duke taught him how to do. Yes. and now he's
using it he's coming back he's like dad i'm mad
i thought it might be a killing machine i'm a
demon now well leathers is gonna help you find
hazel or i'm gonna we forgive him we'll baptize
him plus i think it's strength to get out of
him so don't let him baptize globigol he'll be
a stinky cube you're gonna have a dumpster juice
globigol that's my baby Oh, I bet that would
fuck him up if he ever ate me and I went into
rage. Oh, yeah. I'm so happy to have Glover coming
back. I was so scared we'd never hear from him.
So he attacks us. Yeah, he wants to. He's going
to want to fuck me up. It's going to be fine.
It's going to be fine. Corley walks up to you.
What was that? What did I just hear yelling?
You're about to find out. Buddy of mine's pretty
upset that we didn't come back for him. We might
want to hide everybody. We were trying to get
this place set up before we, you know. Called
back toward him to have him come this way, but
he's a Impatient. He gets attached. He's upset.
So is he coming here to kill you? Possibly. Should
we set something up to where... That's probably
his goal. He might be thinking that right now,
but he might change his mind once he gets here.
He loves us. Okay, I heard you guys. I hear you
guys yelling a lot. He doesn't deal with his
emotions well, so sometimes when he misses someone,
it might come across as wanting to kill him.
Okay, so he... He just misses really hard, okay.
Well, yeah, because Duke Crystal's his dad. So,
should I... Nah, I'm not his dad. He's his dad.
I'm kind of a mentor, I think. Just like Hazel's
my baby. So, you kind of, like, taught him how
to, you know, taught him how to be kind and fight
and, you know, be nice to people and learn how
to be a good person. Oh. Like a good mentor?
No. Yeah, some of those things, yeah. But without
you, he is lost. Most of those things. Duke Crystal
is a hardcore dad. Oh, what's that mean? He taught
him how to kick ass and be a rough -and -tough
QB boy Okay, so what should I do with the people
we just saved is he gonna come here and kill
them I'm gonna talk to him one -on -one get squared
away. No worries there. He's gonna be fine. Okay
If it turns into a fight just stay back Okay,
so she goes, I'll warn the people that you may
have an aggressive friend coming that may not
be aggressive. But, you know, if we need to get
them somewhere safe, I'll have them prepared.
So, if that happens. Just tell him to stand back
and let him go to Duke first. Yeah, just tell
him there might be a little scuffle with a buddy
of mine. Or there might not be. We might just
talk it out. A little scuffle with a buddy of
mine. Okay. A scurfuffle. A scurfuffle. So, yeah,
she kind of tells, you hear her kind of telling
everybody. So our friend Duke, he's got a friend
who's possibly aggressive. He thinks he can talk
to him one -on -one, but he's going to come here
and he might, I guess, kill us all. But, you
know, nobody panic. Nobody panic. I'm going to
talk over. No, that's not true. no it's like
he's just an emotional guy it's like some people
get scared of him but he's here to talk to me
i want to talk to him and we'll get it squared
away you see this like one guy kind of step out
of the group of people and he's like just a big
old burly man he goes i understand how emotions
can affect people i think he'll be just fine
big guys have big emotions This episode of Dummies
with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin,
Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal, Ryan Tucker as
Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan Hayes as the
DM. The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan
Hayes. The artwork for Dummies with Dice, created
by Al Sorensen, can be found on Instagram under
A -R -C -S -I -0. The theme song is The Intense
Fiddle by Ben Caldera. When it comes to Dummies
with Dice, you can find our website on rss .com
slash podcast slash Dummies with Dice and on
Facebook at Dummies with Dice. Most importantly,
join our Patreon at patreon .com slash Dummies
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