Hey, it's your Dummy Master Tristan, and I would
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discount code. Thank you, W Energy. Fear, warning,
use of violence, profanity, rude humor, and the
portrayal of drug and alcohol use. Welcome to
Dummies with Dice, a Dungeons & Dragons actual
play podcast that follows three not -so -average
dummies of our world that get caught up in a
magical storm and are transported to the world
of Dungeons & Dragons where they must survive
and try to find a way back home. Hi, I'm Kelly
Lee. I play Miss Muffin. She's a crazy cat lady
rogue. Fun fact. Miss Muffin is fully prepared
to unalive or shmurder herself if she doesn't
get her hazel catch back. Unalive or shmurder
herself. I like that. Shmurder. Not shmurder.
Hey everybody, Ryan Tucker here. I play Splee
Stick Sock Jelly. I'm the hobo trash... Alright,
never mind. Hey everyone, Ryan Tucker here. I
play Splee Stick Sock Jelly. I am the hobo trash
master cleric of the God Rumpke. I am the MacGyver
of all things trash and garbage. Fun fact, Police
Dick is a triplet. Triplet! That's strange. Hey,
Nate here. My character's Duke Crystal. He's
the drug -addicted level 6 barbarian of the group.
Fun fact about Duke, he's had dreams of being
awakened with sword arms and legs and becoming
a supervillain. I just picture it like he's working
out now. He's like the peg leg like pirate peg
legs with swords Not you stabbing in the mud
My name is Tristan Hayes, and I am the Dummy
Master, and my fun fact is that chainsaws were
invented for childbirth. Yeah, that's disgusting.
Yeah. I fucked you to say that. For real. They
really were. They were a fucking word. It wasn't
like... Yeah, it was. It had to have been smaller,
like a... A movement of disease -laden bone during
childbirth. So yeah, they were... They had to
have been much smaller than like... Wood cutting
chainsaw. It's a surgical chainsaw. Yeah, they
were first invented Think about the old school
original chainsaw They were able to build a chainsaw
I guess that really what they needed to do it
for. Yeah, so hey, let's put you she got a bad
bone give me a chainsaw So What diseased bone
would there be in a child, bro? I'm sorry. I
just can't understand what they would cut out
with a chainsaw. I don't know. It said diseased
latent bone, whatever that means. I figured it
was the baby's head was too big, and I was like,
we've got to make some room. Open it up. Let's
put you up for a little bit, I guess. Why are
you back together? So, where we left off, you
guys had finished off the second wave of enemies
that had flooded through the undead. And as you
kind of drop that rock, Duke, onto the skeleton's
head and it crushes, you see the rest of the
kind of enemy silhouettes into the fog kind of
retreating and running back. And you're hearing
like, whoo, some whooping from the other sides
of the fortress and stuff where other people
have fought off. enemies as well. So you guys
have time to rest and do as you please before
anything else happens. You have a good couple
hours. What would you guys like to do? A long
rest. I'm going to do a short rest. Short rest?
Not a long rest. If you'd like to all short rest,
you can. More repairs to the town. More repairs?
You can do that too. I have been drinking potions.
Alright, roll me a strength check. All of us?
No, two. Are you guys short resting? You two?
I guess, yeah, I did. Okay. Take a nap. Take
a nap. So you two can spend as many hit die as
you want to heal. Oh, is that what that is? I
already have full health. Yeah, you can spend
1d8 plus 2 to heal. You have full health? Mm
-hmm. Then you don't need short rest. My bad.
Unless you want to get... I just took a cat nap.
Yeah, I'm not going to short rest. I got 23 out
of 30. Okay, all right. Yeah, you guys don't
have to short rest then. I'm just going to take
a potion. So, dude, give me a strength check.
I got a 13. I can heal myself, basically. Yeah,
so you can get back 1d4 of that. 4, cool. That's
it, 22d4. So, as you're kind of doing that, you're
just winking away on that. Wink. What? That catapult
should be ready to go. I don't know what I was
saying. Okay, so yeah, after you get done winking
the catapult off, You see coming up the stairs
behind you is Corley and two lesser little soldiers
with them, little scouts. And they walk up and
she goes, oh, hey guys, I see you're fixing up
your catapult. She goes, so, I really hate to
do this. She goes, but me and my squires here,
and she kind of looks back to her two people,
and she goes, but we are going to need to take
this catapult. No. She goes, the other side,
we just got information that says on the far
side, there's going to be a heavier attack, but
we still need you guys to hold this zone, but
we're going to need more weapons on that side.
So she's like, so can we take this? We're just
going to start taking this part and moving it
over there. No. Pay for my labor. Pay for your
labor? Yeah, I've repaired it twice now. For
my use. And now you're going to take it. Give
me persuasion check. Or intimidation. I'm sure
it's intimidation. Yeah, that would be better.
Yeah. All right. 19 plus 4. Yeah, that'll do
it. She goes, just, okay, yeah, listen, after
this is done, we'll give you some gear or whatever
the fuck you want. We'll give you some stuff.
We'll give you some stuff, and you guys can go.
But can we please just take this catapult? I
guess. Okay, so as you say that, you see the
two scouts kind of, like, nod, and they just
come running up, and they're, like, cranking
some stuff and, like, beating on some hammers
and sawing. Beating on hammers, yeah. Duke, since
you have been working on this catapult, give
me an insight check. That's not good. Four. Four?
Okay, you don't notice anything. So yeah, they
start... uh dismantling this uh catapult and
they're like pulling it apart and then they see
like all of them start packing up the stuff and
she goes all right thanks for business we're
gonna get back to defending the other side of
this place you know we're gonna just go help
do some and then she like takes off running down
the stairs with all these pieces with her people
did they grab ammo um yeah sure they took they
have cattle they have this they have had it they
have ammo but yes they uh they fade off they
seem scared it's probably gonna i don't know
they either Spies who stole our equipment so
that we're weakened or and then I'm gonna hunt
them down. I'm gonna probably castrate them and
then uh Or it's gonna completely explode into
pieces whenever they get to set them up. You
said something about them being sus. They were
sus. 17, 9 plus 8. 17, 9 plus 8? Okay, so yeah
when when they kind of are packing this stuff
up they're starting to walk towards the stairs
you see corley the half the one that's been leading
you guys around here and taking you guys around
she kind of uh looks over to the scout she goes
these dumbasses and like you see like her skin
on her start to like shift and move a little
bit like weird and they start to go down the
stairs all right give me the layout of position
right now Okay, so you are in front of the catapult.
Are they in line sight? They are starting to
head downstairs. So I'll say you have line of
sight on one of the scouts, but not Corlea. She's
kind of running down the stairs. Okay, all right.
I need no positioning here. You are about 10
feet, 15 feet from them. From the top of the
stairs, essentially? Yes, from the top of the
stairs. And there's one scout still kind of running.
Are they all on the stairs at the moment? Corley
and the other Scout are and the other one the
third the second one second Scout is at the top
of the stairs so the ones with the equipment
essentially yes they are running down the stairs
you want me to take care of this in one shot
yes okay I'm gonna move over the top of the stairs
okay and I'm going to lightning bolt them with
my ring okay and I'm gonna try to line it up
where I hit both yeah it's a collateral it's
a 10 foot wide stair you're gonna hit them yeah
it's gonna hit all three okay there's a man at
the top and then the two running down so come
on What is it, a dex save, actually? It is a
dex save, yeah. Okay, so roll for Corley. That's
a 5 plus 4. No save. No save on Corley. Let's
do the scouts here. Nat 20 for the scout, for
one scout. And a 10 plus 2 for the second. Two
fails and a save. Two fails and a save, but I'm
going to say with the nat 20, the save is not
going to take half damage because I'm sure that's
what the lightning bolt does. Yes, it does. Okay,
so the other two will take full damage, but one
will take no damage. Okay. Well, you can smoke
one. I was about to say, I'm going to attack
that one with sinker. 8d6. Here we go. 5, 6.
3, so there's 14, 6, there's 20, 3, 23, that's
the 5th roll, 2, so 25, 31, 6, what is it, 1
more roll? 8, is that what you said? Yeah, I
think it's 1 more roll. And then 1. What was
that? So, what was it, 32 and then 1? Yeah. So
yeah, 33. Alright, so. Easy damage. Lots of damage.
yeah so the lightning bolt blasts the lightning
bolt blasts through there and the second scout
on the stairs he turns into a skeleton immediately
like the flesh is just blasted off like he would
say he had like he had very little hell he was
not tough he was not tough you made better yeah
so then there's the one standing in front of
you still who averted it with his nat 20 and
then the doppel the corley the one at the bottom
of the stairs you see or get hit with this lightning
and it like blows chunks of flesh off and all
kinds of pieces and she falls to her knees and
you see the form of cornley just fade away into
this like nasty ugly tall alien looking creature
and it's a doppelganger so uh yeah it's a cooked
one now it's a very cooked doppelganger that
one's like these but yeah the one that got the
same as you can assume uh yes nate you were on
the money spies that were coming in to sabotage
your equipment and take away your things so Roll
initiative. See, the moment I realized I wasn't
getting payment, things had to be taken care
of. Yeah, we'll get you later. 22. Don't kill
that one that's up front. The one that's cooked.
No, the one that seemed like more of the leader.
The other two are still normal little... Soldiers
gonna kill that one slow. That was the pain.
You can't just take my disassembled it to that
means I have to disembowel them at least Okay
All right, what's initiatives everybody I'm sorry
three 22 Okay, very good. I got an 18 plus 4.
11. 11. I don't want to go first. You do want
to go first. You're an assassin. Rogue. That
means you get extra advantage and extra hits
and all that stuff. What's it look like before
I go? What's what look like? There's a dude that's
got all the meat blown off of him. There's one
guy behind him that... is perfectly fine, and
then a chick on her knees at the bottom that,
well, was a chick. One scout, yeah, the doppelganger
one is up the knees at the bottom. So it seems
like there's only one real good target, and that's
the dude that's made the save completely with
the nat 20 on the lightning attack. And he's
how far from you? He's dead. No, not him. What,
the scout? No, nat 20. Oh, nat 20, no, he's fine.
He's standing right in front of Duke Crystal,
so he is about 15 feet from you. So I can dash
up and jab him right in the neck. And dash away.
Yeah, you can run up and dab him in the neck
if you'd like to do that. That's what I'd like
to do. Okay. Give me your jab him in the neck
roll. I'm going to use my plus one dagger. And
you get advantage, so... Yeah, you can roll with
advantage. 16 plus 8 to hit. With advantage?
Yeah, that was with advantage. That definitely
will hit. And then it is a 1d4 plus 5. so four
plus five nine damage plus sneak attack damage
because you're struck with the damage oh yeah
which is what i have to one two d six i think
now for you or three maybe i don't know because
you're level six i know it's experiencing i can't
remember you have to scroll down it's three now
yeah three d six it's that road five ten eleven
eleven okay so yeah the the series of moments
like That's all that kind of happens. This person,
you know, does their thing and then you see Duke
run over the stairs and just blast lightning,
fry and blow flesh apart. And then before like
anything can even happen, the doppelganger drops
to her knees and then Miss Muffin comes out of
the shadows like a ninja just sticks his dude
in the throat and he just falls over again and
bleeds out. And then the doppelganger is left
at the bottom of the stairs. Anything else you'd
like to do with your turn? Because that was just
your action. So you still got bonus action if
you'd like to do anything else. Well, she's not
close enough to do anything with it, so I'm just
gonna disengage, yeah. So you just wanna move
away or rest your movement or just stay where
you are? That doppelganger's not on you yet.
Okay, just stay where I am. Okay, all right.
Next up, doppelganger. God, she's so rude. So,
okay, this is what I was hoping to do. Okay,
so... I'm trying to run, bitch. Duke Crystal
and Miss Muffin, make me a wisdom -saving throw.
DC 12. 17, okay 19 19, okay you guys safe As
you see as they see like the Her like that figure
fade away in this nasty alien creature look shake
turns around her eyes like open wide and turn
this like dark nasty creepy Spacey galaxy look
as she tries to hit you with an unsettling visage
and fails That would have been awesome. Seed
warps. Do crystal. It's your turn. Anything else
you'd like to do? Seed warps and my drug hallucinations.
Not me. How close am I to her? You are about
10 feet. 10 feet? Well, I will approach and then
grapple. Grapple? Ooh. Grapple. Give me a strength
check. Roll around with it, eh? She's very weakened
right now, and I know you are very strong, so.
Very good. It works out. Your pluses. First roll,
23. Yeah, your pluses. Yeah, we'll just stick
with 23. The modifier is going to beat what I
got, so you're fine. Yeah, you've got a grapple.
What else would you like to do? Pull out the
trench knife. Okay. And disembowel. Okay, give
me a... Complete sepuku. From tongue to taint?
No, from like... I was thinking from like...
Hip to hip, just like. Oh, okay. I'll give you
the rainbow bowie knife. Yeah, just all, like,
almost fall apart, like, split them. Give me
attack roll. With advantage. 20. 20? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that'll hit. All right. 1d4 plus 5. That's
probably going to finish the job. 4 plus 5. 4
plus 5 damage? Yes. Sorry, that was a two. Four
plus two? Seven damage. All right, so doesn't
quite finish the job off, but... Had to twist.
Yeah, you kind of stick her and went to go to
pull and she kind of jerks away and the blade
kind of slides out a little bit so it doesn't
fully disembowel. She's got like half an intestine
hanging. Well, I have a second attack. Oh. Good
So how's the position and she fall back down
or something? Uh, no, yes, you still have a grapple
She can't get away from the grapple until she
just pulled your knife out a little bit. That's
it. Yeah Stick it one more up under the ribs
DP We got a 8 plus 8 16 on the attack That one
is 4 plus 5. So 9 damage. Up under the ribs.
Pissed her heart. 9 damage up under the ribs.
I was thinking about solar plexus. Okay, so you
stick her up under the ribs and you can tell
that initiative's over. She's got very low health
so you can stick her up in the ribs and you can
tell she's got a couple moments of life left
as she's starting to die. And you've got this
blade up in her and she's just looking you in
the face. and she goes you think you guys are
strong because you got the scroll because we're
coming for it because you need all those scrolls
don't you and she's like looking at all of you
as the blood's just kind of like pouring out
onto her head she takes the headband you see
her head just kind of like crank back up and
uh she goes you think i'm strong Oh, God. Just
wait. She goes, the warlord's coming. She goes,
the warlord's coming, and his beast is more stronger
than anything you could ever imagine. I'm sure
you're finishing her off. I couldn't really grapple
and use my dagger. I have a sword arm. We'll
just say the grapple was sticking the sword in
her shoulder or something. Yeah, that works.
She kind of bleeds out and just falls down the
stairs, rolls down the rest of the way. Guts
flop out as he rolls. How much time do we have?
You can see at the far north end of the keep
a huge explosion just hits the wall and blows
things to pieces. You're seeing all kinds of
stuff explode and fly all over the place. But
yeah, you see this huge explosion and Coming
out of like the flames and the fire of the explosion.
You see a giant dragon with this huge man on
top of it with this spiky Helmet on top of his
head and it almost looks like he's got he's made
of mist and shadow. He's just flowing around
And you see this dragon flows up and it's got
like red scales and flesh dripping off of it
and bones showing everywhere and it's a giant
undead red track so we need to roll initiative
one more time these are about to get intense
21 21 19 21 19 19 okay let's roll for the dragon
dragon 16. And the warlord wraith. 15 plus 3.
18. All right, Duke Crystal, you're up first.
Very nice. Z -Dragon, floating ahead, the north
end of the castle. I want to go about this. He
is about 80 feet from you, from the north end
of the castle. He's like flying on the inner
wall edge, like right in front of the building.
Flying? Yes. Is he at land yet? No, he is not
at land yet. Oh. He is just... I will use my
longbow to attempt to shoot. The old foot? Yes,
the old two -foot, the catapult style, or the
ballista style on the ground. I'm going to go
for the rider, actually. All right, so you're
going to hit the rider. All right, let's see
what we got here. That is a 19. 19, that's what
it is. He's like you fired it's like full intent
like he's pulling the bow back of his feet and
watches it lost a lot of energy Hits him and
then it does like a little bit of damage. He's
like fill that hole All right What do I even
do? Well, he might be landing soon. We got his
attention, I feel. Yes, you need to get his attention.
Shoot him with an arrow. So I can ready up my
dagger to slice and dice at any moment when he
lands, if close enough, and that's it? Like,
you want to take the ready action? Yeah. To,
like, prepare for him to land? Yeah. Yes, you
can do that. If he lands, so like you're saying,
if he lands, like, on the walkway close enough
for you to hit him? Yeah, I'm going to slice
and dice him. Okay, yeah, you can hold your turn
for that. Okay. Roll key. It is the wraith's
turn. The warlord. See what his attacks are real
quick. Do we know what challenge rating he is?
What? That warlord douche -a -roo. Warlord? He
has a challenge rating of 5. What about the dragon?
Uh, he's on B. They're both pretty high. He's
curious about his abilities. Uh, yeah. They will
not be spontaneously killed Okay, so He does
this attack where he would usually spawn something
but I'm not going to spawn it So he uses a corpse
nearby you and he's like raising his hand up
and you see this corpse started just Start to
pop any bubble. I need to Uh, do crystal to make
me a dex save, because you were the one next
to the dead body. He's got the T -Virus! As it
is about to pop and burst with boiling blood.
Uh, 16 plus 2, 18. 18? Oh yeah, you definitely
dex save out of the way, and you, as this body,
this corpse just kind of, you know, pops, and
you see boiling blood kind of hit the walls and
just like steaming. He's got corpse bombs! Uh,
yeah. So. Dang. Next up is the dragon. When you
kill something, get away from it. Alright, dragon's
turn. Let's see what he's got going here. He
can fly 60 feet. He is going to fly 60 feet,
which is not all the way to you guys quite there
yet, but he's going to be close. This dude on
his back? Yes. Okay. He has not landed yet. Okay.
Because he's going to do a fire breath. No. No.
I need Miss Muffin. Actually, you might get lucky,
Duke. Miss Muffin only to make me a dexterity
saving throw. As you see him floating in front
of you and his chest boils up and starts turning
bright red. The flames are coming. 21. Okay,
yeah, you saved. On a half, you take his... Damage
as much damage on my success take half damage
on this fails success I can't say After you are
you gonna take this damage? What do you mean?
Is there anything I like to like roll out of
the way? Yeah, of course. No, you've just got
abilities. I don't want you to learn There's
something in there you could possibly I'll give
you 10 seconds to fight it. I have a hide action,
a disengage, a dash, an action, a combat, uncanny
dodge. I forgot about my uncanny dodge. So when
an attacker that you see hits you with an attack,
you can use your action to halve the attack's
damage against you. See, like, I didn't even
think to use Uncanny Dodge because I made a good
roll anyway for my dexterity. Yeah, but it's
going to take half, so that is 6, 6, 4, 4, 2,
5, 4. Oh, 31 damage. Half of that? Half of that,
yes. Fifteen and a half. You got to round up
or down. Do fifteen. How about now? It was round.
It was either fifteen or sixteen would be above.
Fifteen would be slightly below because you can't
do half. Fine. So I take that much fire damage.
As the flames come rushing at you. Now I match
my time. You probably didn't get hit with the
fire. That was probably just the sheer heat.
Yeah. Being close to when you dodge. Alright,
Fleece Thick Sock Jelly, it is your turn. Alright.
From where you were standing, the dragon is about
40 feet from you. Because you still never even
got to move up into the combat, and it wouldn't
happen, because it's nothing killed it so fast.
Let's just shoot a Sacred Flame. Sacred Flame
at dragon? Yeah, I just want to aggro him real
quick. Okay. Dex save? Yep. Oh, wow. Two. Oh,
okay. 16, so... Alright, so... 2d8. 8 plus...
7. So, 15. Yeah, 8 plus 7. And then... I'm definitely
summoning my spiritual weapon. Yeah. I'll get
it right up in the space. Why not? Why not? Just
like, I want to spawn it like right behind him
and just ping right in the ring. You can spawn
it up there next to him, yeah, and make it attack.
Yeah, let's do that. I don't really think it
has to hold balance or anything. Yeah. Give me
attack roll. You can attack with that when you
spawn it. Right behind the rider, he's like,
what the? 18. 10 plus 8. Plus it's not a physical
weapon, so it will hit him. Physical weapon hit
him. Well, it's just not as bad. Seven damage.
Seven damage. Yep. Seven. It was a dragon, correct?
Oh, shit. Or was that to the rider? It was to
the rider. Right in the back of the noggin. Alright.
Yeah. Alright. Duke Crystal, back to you. Do
I still have to land it? No. Douche. Grappling.
Yeah, he's flying. That's why I asked if he landed.
Grapple a dragon. Can I turn my spiritual weapon
into some springs and launch a nuke? Ding! I
could turn into a jetpack and fly you up. Let's
see. I guess the bow again. Bow again. This time
I'm going for the dragon. Is that the name of
the weapon? No, that's just the long bow. The
bow again. The bow again. That one is a 20 14
plus 6 all right 7 plus 3 10 damage Decent. I
was aiming for his glowing sack spot. Yeah, he
hits it right in that glowing sack. Pop that
fucker. Catch him on fire. All you shot is third
sack. Yeah, the glowing part. Hit that bag. Like
an arrow. Split him up, make him burn himself.
Alright, so the wraith, it's his turn. You see
him, the arrow, and hit the dragon again and
then... Your shield hit him in the back of the
head, your spiritual weapon. He's like, Enough!
And he jumps off his dragon, hits the ground,
and lands right there onto the ground about 15
feet in front of Miss Muffin. He's upset. And
he is going to move the rest of his movement
speed towards Miss Muffin. He's going to do something
very nasty to you. I already had a ready up slice
and dice for him. Okay, I'll give you your attack
roll because you did have a ready attack. Do
I roll with advantage? No. No. Okay, well, 5
plus 8. 13. 13? Yes, actually. Right on his AC.
He's weak. He's just missed. Yeah, he don't have
armor. 8 damage. 8 damage? Heck yeah. Okay. Yeah,
you get that quick attack, and that was your
last one. mainly attack roll as he lands in front
of you and his hand just comes out and you feel
like his cold just like nasty necrotic touch
around your throat as he reaches out and you
got so lucky three plus six i'm not hit because
i damaged the mother breaker okay that's not
good dragon's turn let me see if his uh um fire
breath recharges it does so he's going to do
a actually You know what? He's not. Will his
rider get hurt by it? Yeah, that's why I'm not
going to do it. He's going to land, fly over
and land in front of you, Duke. You just put
the top of the stairs like while you're still
on the stairwell waiting for, uh, taking your
shot to the longbow. So he's going to land and
try to bite you. That's an eight plus six. No.
Damn. Okay. Nice try there, dragon. All right.
Next up, flea stick. Your turn. All right, so
right dudes on the ground dragon stuff why I'm
trying to he's trying to strangle Kelly with
necrotic There's trying to strangle miss nothing
with necrotic damage and the dragon is trying
to bite dude Yeah sacred flame the dude don kelly
right okay yeah deck saver yep 12 plus three
no actually that's one shot yeah all right all
right so that'll be double damage that's one
or an extra game four so five so ten damage ten
damage to him yeah And then I'm gonna bring my
spiritual weapon and turn it into a collar and
wrap it around the dragon's neck 18 plus 8 All
right, so 4 plus 5 so that's 9 damage Good is
this collar wraps around him and it's like these
eyes kind of bulge out for a second as he's trying
to bite Duke Just popping it's your turn to see
this dragon being strangled in a very non kinky
way I'm gonna slash open his glowing sack in
his chest. Are you aiming directly for his glowing
sack? Because if you want you can do that would
be disadvantage if you're trying to like Legit
stop him from fire breathing Would he have advantage
there since I'm strangling him? Wouldn't he be
distracted? Do it. I'll let you do that, but
it would be disadvantage. What if I do a reckless
attack and it evens it out? Okay, yes. That would
be normal. Yeah. But he'll have advantage on
you, right? Next attack, yeah. Alright. So, reckless
attack on his old glowing sack. 12 plus 9. Yes,
that will hit. Alright, 46 plus 6. Thirteen plus
six, nineteen David. Alright, I'll say for two
turns he can't use his fire breath. Wait, is
Dragon on the ground? Yeah, he landed. Stuck
him and he's like coughing up smoke and gagging
up shit. Alright, and second attack, I am going
to swing up at his neck and hope for getting
as deep as I can and go for a decavitation. Uh,
18 plus 9? Yes. 6, 3, 3, 12, and 3. So that would
be 15 plus 6. 15 plus 6. So that's 21. 21. Alright.
I'm guessing he don't have much blood. No. Alright,
meat juice. All right, miss muffin it is your
turn you definitely heard you heard him good.
He's got bones broke. He's got Scales off, but
the right is still trying to strangle you with
his hands. So, all right, I'm gonna freaking
slice his hands off his body 18 Okay, all right
good slice you go through his missed hands and
you go his hands to stay here I thought they'd
like this has come back like yeah, yeah, yeah,
he does you cut him off and then they go away
All right I don't know what I can do. He's got
his grip on well. He's not holding you He's just
like doing the old room reaper like human in
fog balls. You can you got a bonus action or
I'm going to hurry up and whip my invisibility
cloak on. Okay, give me a stealth check with
advantage. A stealth check with advantage. See
if he can spot you. Well, nat 20 is my first
one I rolled. Okay, that's fine. You don't got
to roll anymore. Yes, you go invisible. He cannot
see you. Yes. All right, so Ray's turn. He's
got his hands out, and you just go, and he goes.
What the fuck? This is Harry Potter shit. What
the fuck? This is Harry Potter shit. Oh no. This
guy does the, like, looks around for a second.
He's like, whoa. Then he looks over and he sees
a flea stick that's been over there just pelting
him with sacred flames. So he's gonna make his
way over there. Sorry. Sorry, flea stick. It's
his fault. It's that fucker. He made her invisible.
And he's gonna try to do the same attack he did
to Kelly, but it's gonna be on you this time.
Alright. It's a handsy fucker. Yeah. That's a
nine plus six. 15? Hold on, give me a second.
Right on the money. Okay, this is going to be
some David here. Alright. You hit him with the
light and he's going to hit you with the door.
2, 4, 3, 5. So 2, 4, 3, 5. Can I use shield master
invasion? What's that do again? If an effect
allows half damage on success, you can use your
reaction to take no damage. No, this is just
a normal. Okay. That would be like a flyer. Okay,
gotcha. If you make success roll and took half,
you could make it nothing. So 14 plus 3. Hang
on. 14, 15, 17. So 17 total. Target is a creature
at 10 point maximum. Okay, so you're going to
lose 3 maximum health. There's 3 health points.
No, no. If your max health right now is like
54, you lose 3. But like you're fully heal you're
gonna be three less than you were so you're gonna
take 17 points of damage But you're also gonna
take three points of her maximum health point
damage. Yes, that's from 30 to like 27 sucks
a bit of your soul out of your body. No! Not
in this way. It is Harry Potter. Yes. Damn it.
He don't want to do that shit to me. He does
that to me. I got more than one soul in me. Alright.
Can I just say that spell? What is that? Expecto
Patronum! Expecto Patronum! What is this magic?
Okay, it is the dragon's term. He's going to
bite you because he can't do his fire breath.
That is nine plus four Piercing damage plus one
do six a fire damage one So 14 yes He still has
a little bit of heat on his teeth Spicy bite
please take your turn. All right, so dudes in
my face, right? He's blocking me out Yes, he
just gave you the old stranglehold, life -sucking
chokehold. What to do, what to do. Yeah, it really
sucks that you're separated from the dragon with
your dragon slayer sword. So you're fighting
like a ghost. You're fighting the dragon. He's
like... I might have to turn the undead here,
probably. I think it still works against him.
It just won't kill him like that one. I just
want him up out of my face. What do I got to
do? 16. Yeah, DC. Yeah, wisdom, yeah. No. Wait
a minute each undead that can see or hear you
within 30 feet of you How far is the dragon?
What how far is the dragon from me? He is 25
feet But yeah, you go to this Whatever this thing
is called for one minute one minute. Yeah, so
you got to do it and it like flashes in his eyes
and you see his eyes roll over white like this
great things and they just roll back over normal
and he's like you think you can scare me i'm
immune to being frightened and he uh yeah petrified
yeah he has resistance to almost everything so
yeah anything else you'd like to try i'm saving
your resistance Yeah, I'm gonna just take this
dragon slayer sword just right now I think it's
uh, no, that's an action. You're right I'm just
gonna take my bonus action and attack this undead
dude with my sacred shoe 13? Uh, yeah. On the
moon again. Nice. 7 damage. 7 damage. Okay. Alright.
Alright. New crystal. Dragon on you. The old
dragon. The old dragon. Going for his big old
rotten ugly neck again. Rotten ugly neck. Oof.
5 plus 9, so 14? No. Second attack. You take
a big chunk out of his neck like you've been
wanting to and you see like a big piece of his
bones just break off and he's like He's kind
of like spitting up stuff but he's still dangling
there with like neck kinda half on Close. Miss
Muffin, your turn. How close am I to the dragon?
You are about in between both of them. You got
about 10 feet to both sides. So I can sneak up
to the dragon and slice and dice him up some?
Yes. You can get advantage because you are in
stealth and you're sneak attack. Okay. So I use
my plus one sneak attack. Stab his gooch. Well,
with advantage. 12 plus 8 to hit. Yeah, so then
it's 1 plus 5 6 damage, but then I add 3d6 to
that Okay, well, how do you kill this dragon
I'm finished off what Duke crystal started and
slice the neck completely Alright, yeah, you
chop the top of the head of this dragon off,
and it just falls and hits the ground and the
stairs and breaks off the wall of the piece of
the castle you're on. This body just falls and
hits the ground. And you hear the wraith turn
around, and he's like, No! Petunia! And he starts
screaming, and it is now the wraith's turn. Petunia!
We killed a dragon, Petunia. And he is going
to use his attack they used before, but on his
dragon. Oh, shit. He raises his hands up and
he goes, You will die, but you will create death
amongst your death. And he gets a 17. Oh, wait.
Never mind. I need you all to make deck saves.
Fuck. I was so hit you with that. Shit. Too late.
Oh, no. With advantage? No. Crit fail. Oh, my.
Eight. Eight? This is gonna hurt Okay, so please
stick actually I don't think you would have had
to say please stick you're far enough away those
two All right, you see this dragon's body just
start to like When the attacker that you can
see hits you with an attack you can use your
reaction to have the attacks damage against you
Yes, you can because I can't dodge have have
the damage all right roll the damage then five
seven and six as this Giant dragon starts to
explode and pop and shoots bones everywhere and
boiling pieces of flesh. So yeah, so I think
I've 18. Yeah, and then you'll take half of that
You'll take nine damage yeah, all righty then
The dragon is dead. It is Felicite Sockjelly's
turn. No more dragon. Yes, no more dragon. He
exploded good and his bow was flying in due crystal
and missed most of it. So now it's Felicite's
turn. Come on in. Come on in. All right, dragon's
dead. Dude's still in front of me, but he's facing
them, correct? yeah he just kind of threw his
hands up and did the old explosion so does that
give me advantage since i'm behind him no not
exactly if he had another person with him like
fighting against him yeah if you had like okay
another person all right well um i'm gonna hit
him with my dragon slayer sword 12 plus three
twelve plus three So, 5. 5? Yep. And then I'm
coming after him with my spiritual weapon. That's
a Ghostbuster vacuum. Nat 20. Alright, cool.
Double damage. So, 2d8s. So, 6 plus 5, that's
11. 5 plus 3, that's 8. So, 19. 19 damage? Yeah.
Good hit. Yeah, that one comes through. You can
tell that this time, though, it comes through.
It hits him. It's just got this, like, magical
force field around it, and it plows through his
resistances. All right. Duke Crystal, your turn.
How close am I to the wreath? You're about 15
feet. All right. 20 feet, because it'll be actually
double movement, because you're in the pile of
a giant dragon. You have to climb over a dragon,
so it'll be double movement. Well, first action,
I'm going to use one of my potions of greater
healing, I guess. Okay. And for my second action
I will walk over there and cleave through him
with my dark grace sword. So yeah, you kind of
clean through him and the mist kind of just fades
off and blows apart he goes And his voice just
fades off as we vanquish this wraith. And once
this wraith falls on this kind of final effort
of this battle, you see the fog start to just
dissipate and fall away. And as you're seeing
the skeletons and the undead that were still
standing there as the fog dissipates, they all
just like crumple and fall down to the ground
as they're not being controlled inside of this
fog anymore. And in the sky, you hear this voice
and he says, You three heroes, you think you're
here? You think you're gonna take the scroll
from me? You got one. He goes, but you're not
gonna get two. These fuckers think I'm somebody
else and I'm gonna keep it that way, but they
won't know. He goes, the world's not gonna know.
He's like, I'm gonna take over it all and I'm
gonna take over this world, your world, I'm gonna
take over all the worlds. And he goes, you want
the scrolls? Come and get them, bitch. And then
the voice kind of disappears into the sky. It's
on. Yep. Totally. All right, so as you guys vanquish
these sons of bitches I'm sure you want to be
your loot goblins and everything so y 'all give
me If you want perception or investigation checks
just gathering up items from destroyed equipment
from the skeletons and the undead Gathering things
from the dragon and just kind of looting the
general area So you find an enlarged reduced
scroll a Potion of misty step. Those are the
two things you find and you find 679 gold pieces
and Two gems worth 100 gold pieces. This is just
Duke's. This is just Duke's investigation. Okay.
Okay, uh, Miss Muffin? What did you get? 19 plus?
Plus 4 on perception. So you find 2 ,536 gold
pieces. Whoa. 2 ,536 gold pieces. You find one
Comprehend Languages spell. Scroll. two potions
of healing and one animal friendship scroll okay
got it no please take what was your role 17 plus
5 22 percent 17 plus 5 okay so you get 850 gold
pieces you get also a scroll of misty step a
potion of water breathing and a long strider
scroll which are all spells and stuff what was
the what was the first scroll i got Yours was
enlarged reduce and misty step All right. What
was the other one? Potion of water breathing
then what? Potion of water breathing Long strider
and a misty step. Yeah, I didn't write it down.
I just wrote abbreviations and I already forgot
what they meant Those scrolls. So yeah, you guys
gathered up quite a bit of good goodies some
fun little spells and scrolls and some gold to
spend and such And, um, actually, as you guys
categorize all this stuff, Corley comes running
up. The real Corley. She comes running up and
she goes, oh my god, you guys survived. And that's,
is that a dragon? Is that a dead fucking dragon?
So, I don't know what happened because I was
knocked unconscious. Someone hit me and knocked
me unconscious and I just woke up. She goes,
but, honestly, everyone's dead. It's just us.
It's me, you guys, and that's it. The soldiers
are dead. The buildings are destroyed. The walls
are crumbled. She goes, so I'm going to put in
a good word for you guys for the Lord's Alliance.
She goes, honestly, no one's going to want this
place. This place is trashed. I'm going to talk
to the people I can do to get deeds and get stuff
ordered, and you guys can fucking have this.
This keep can be yours to build and to use as
a home base. I heard in the sky what the voice
said. That you guys are wanting to get a scroll.
You're wanting to get something. They're coming
after you. She goes, so sounds like you guys
are going to be heading towards Zaz Tam and trying
to take him down or whoever that was. So this
would be a good place to have a home base for
you guys to keep coming back to and pushing out
if you'd like to keep this place for your own.
So, would you guys like to own Iron Spine Keith?
Yeah, yeah. Okay. So we will get that worked
in and there will be like a system and everything
you guys can use for building your base and like
the economy and like all that shit. Nice. So
you won't have an actual functioning. Nice. Then
in case we never do get to go home, we have the
home. Yeah, sure. Okay. If you get stuck here
forever, you may have to live here. I'm a queen.
You guys are now the owners of, well, soon to
be owners of Iron Spine Key. She goes, I will
be here all the time. I will come back. She goes,
you guys will have me. because I will happily
help you out run this place. So, yeah, you guys
have some exciting adventures to look forward
to in your future. This episode of Dummies with
Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate
Chambers as Duke Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie
Ortiz, Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock Jelly.
and Tristan Hayes is the DM. The episode is edited
and mixed by Tristan Hayes. The artwork for Dummies
with Dice, created by Al Sorensen, can be found
on Instagram under A -R -C -S -I -0. The theme
song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera. When
it comes to Dummies with Dice, you can find our
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