Hey, it's your Dummy Master Trisston, and I would
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use of violence profanity rude humor and the
portrayal of drug and alcohol use Welcome to
dummies of dice a Dungeons and Dragons actual
play podcast that follows for not so average
dummies of our world They get caught up in a
magical storm and are transported to the world
of Dungeons and Dragons where they must survive
and try to find a way back home Hey guys Nate
here my characters Duke crystal, you know, he's
the drug addicted level 6 barbarian of the group
fun fact about Duke he has random boner syndrome
that's why he had a boner when he spawned into
the scroll hey everybody r2 here ryan tucker
here i play this fleastick sockjelly i'm the
hobo trash master cleric of the god rumpke i
am the macgyver of all things trash and garbage
fun fact flea stick took a shower last night
Good. Very good. The scroll cleaned him off
while he was inside. Your shower is broken. Hi,
I'm Kelli Lee and I play Miss Muffin. She's a
crazy cat lady level 6 rogue. Fun fact, Miss
Muffin dabbles in the flow arts. In the flow
arts. Hey guys, Ryan, R1. I'm playing as Archie
Ortiz, a 76 -year -old MMA gym owner. He's also
the monk of the group. Fun fact. Archie is getting
too old for this shit My name is Trisston Hayes
and I am the dummy master and my fun fact today
Is that the oldest living land animal on earth
is a hundred and ninety two year old tortoise
named Jonathan. Jonathan will be remembered.
That we know of. That we know of now. That could
have been an old article. He could be older.
It could just be an animal in the wild. Listen,
I'm not going to look up my site sources because
I don't know. I didn't look at the sources. What
about Bigfoot? How old is he? Loch Ness? One
of them. Loch Ness is old. Oh, Nessie, Megalodon,
old. They're kraken. You know, there is one.
They're kraken.. Yeah, don't
mess with him. The old lady who lives in the
apartment above you? Old. Old. Maybe not 190,
but old. All right, DnD. God, I don't want
to miss the apartment. Now we are. You're done.
Yeah, you're done. You're done. You're done.
That's four against one. You're done. You're
done. Four times. So, where we left off last
time. Last. You guys had defeated the big bad's
little counterparts of you inside of the scroll
and got the information about how to gather,
or about to gathering other scrolls, bring them
together to make a portal back to your home.
Try that again. Try it again. I thought it was
just fine. That rude. That rude. You guys have
found the information that tells you that you
need to gather three other scrolls to bring them
all together and open a portal back to your home.
And get our cat back. And maybe gather back your
things along the way, depending on what happens.
We'll see. Oh, God. Don't forget you lost your
cat. Give her the measles. Your garbage shield,
your cat, and Archie's youth. And Duke lost nothing.
He doesn't know this joke. I will kill him! He
lost a little bit more of his humanity, but...
I don't know, that whole thing was such an uninteresting...
Alright, so... You guys get this info. You see
it in the Star Wars -esque letters that come
down to you. And you guys feel the pull of the
scroll starting to, you know, yeah. Start to
suck you guys out of this thing. And you're starting
to dematerialize and pixelate and form away.
And then as you start to come back to life, make
me constitution saves. And you guys all come
back to reality inside of this tomb. 19 plus
3? 6. 15. 13. 13 okay so Archie and miss muffin
you guys are all stumbling you know dazed as
can be looks like you were just all of you are
feeling this you just were literally atomically
destructed and then reconstructed out into the
reality again. Like Willy Wonka. Yeah, like Willy
Wonka. Yeah, so you guys are just coming back
to life, feeling this thing, and you guys are
stumbling and getting out of this tomb you guys
are in. And when you get outside the doors, you're
in this forest, and Duke and Flea Steak, you
guys crash right as you get out the door and
fall on your face. But, Miss Muffet and Archie,
make me perception check before you guys go down.
Perception check. The mood was slick. Nine plus
four. Eight. Eight? What'd you get, Miss Muffin?
Nine plus four. Nine plus four. Okay, so you
guys are kind of... Archie, you don't see much.
Your youth's gone. So your eyes are blurry. It's
hard for you to see. And you start to fall unconscious
and fall to the ground and hit the ground hard.
And Miss Muffin, before you feel the last bit
of you going unconscious and falling to the ground,
you see... A couple soldiers of some sort and
like, you know armor and whatnot and they you
hear one of them shout I think I found them.
I think I found them. They're over here and you
fall unconscious so The time goes by some things
happen. You guys are moving along and then you
start to awake and as you awake You realize that
your hands are tied You are in like the back
of this caged little cart and there's this little
halfling woman sitting there in front of you
Okay, so you guys wake up and you see this stout
little halfling she's wearing plate armor and
she's kind of sitting in this carriage with you
and She says such lucky timing She she goes I'm
I'm Corley Halvecar Representing the Lord's Alliance
the situation here has gotten much much worse.
I'll fill you in but first I was going to ask
you to tell me a bit about yourselves, but we
know all about you guys. With the Lord's Alliance,
you broke one of our people out of one of our
prisons. And she goes, well, but it's your lucky
day because today you're going to try to earn
your freedom. And then she throws her hands up
all excitedly and looks at you all just kind
of like waiting for everyone to be excited. And
before you know it, you come up on this old,
deathly looking huge fortress. You guys pull
up on this. huge fortress. And she goes, this
is Iron Spine Keep. And she gets up and they
open up the cage of the cart and pull you guys
out. And they're not being like rough or anything.
They're just like, kind of just, you know, like
hop on out guys, whatever. And she starts to
lead you through this fortress. And you're seeing
like workers repairing walls and people running
around back and forth, stacking spears and shields
and swords. And they're just, it looks like everybody's
in a kind of a fright panic. She leads you to
the fortress and she goes, Five great cities
of the Sword Coast have combined forces to restore
this fortress. We expected it would give us better
visibility into trouble on the frontier, but
it seems that the Red Wizards of Fae don't want
us here. And earlier today, an image of a vile
necromancer, Zaztam, the leader of the Red Wizards,
appeared in the sky above the fortress. He commanded
that everyone in the fortress flee or face his
army. And she kind of gestures around and looks
at all the people, and you can see that everybody's
freaking out and going nuts. And she goes, but
we won't be bullied, and we won't abandon a stronghold
that the Red Wizards might use as a foothold
in the region we're staying in. But we don't
have many soldiers. I don't even have a squire
to help me. So we need you. Scouts have identified
an army of skeletons, zombies, and other undead
headed this way. They'll arrive within the hour,
probably in multiple waves, and we need souls
like you who we know can fight on the wall defending.
She goes, but which wall? Each city has a reinforced
part of this fortress, and you'll be stationed
in a defense zone on behalf of one of the five
cities. You can decide which. So basically, you
guys are being recruited to help defend this
fortress from an evil necromancer. to earn your
freedom to break out of the lord's alliance you
know from stealing breaking out of their prison
and bugging doing all that so you have the option
to two of you can split like you can go two and
two to separate parts of this fortress to defend
if you'd like or you can all four go to one part
of the fortress all four to one all four it's
up to you that she's she kind of so she kind
of says like you guys make your choice on what
you want to go she goes there's plenty of other
soldiers so if you all go to one spot You guys
can all defend that one spot, and then we will
have more soldiers to disperse to the others.
Yeah, let's do that. You know, we have ways to
call for help if one spot starts to fall. She
goes, there's red flares that will shoot into
the sky that will let you know that a wall is
close to falling if we need help. So, what would
you guys like to do? I'm going to pull up the
map here. If you want. And she goes, here's a
map of the fortress. You guys can pick and defend.
Pick your spot to defend. She goes, there are
siege weapons at every position of the wall.
So you guys can use those of your own free will.
We know that you're prisoners, but here we are
all in the same boat. We're all trying to survive
an undead necromancer. She goes, so free will
to use any weapons of the cities and any weapons
of the defenses here or your own devices. So
what would you guys like to do? Or would you
guys like to... Def - defend. You have to refresh.
I did a hundred times. Well, she's up. I will
guard the west wall. So, west, but, uh, so...
Mithril Hall. You want to go for Mithril Hall?
Yes, that side over there. We all shall follow.
No! Yes. No, Duke Crystal! I want to fight the
Duke. And I'm going to follow them whether they
like it or not. I guess I'm just going to run
around the whole place. I guess we're going between
these walls. I mean, splitting up can be helpful
because you can cover different areas. It could
be, but it could also be terrifying and stupid.
You just want to hide in the back and get carried.
That's what you want. I don't want to die. You
won't be. We're splitting up in teams. Yeah,
you'll have Archie with you. There's multiple
soldiers with us. Well, yeah, we'll have, well,
instead of us four against everything, we'll
have foot soldiers with us, too, because we will
be split up. If not, she's going to just send
all the troops away from us. Corley is happily
standing around, like, listening to your guys'
conversations and adding in any questions that
you guys have. So if we die or anybody dies,
can that necromancer bring them back and use
them as soldiers? Oh, most definitely. Yeah,
if one of you are to fall and the necromancer,
well, well, well, well, no, no, no, no. the necromancer
himself isn't here but if he was here yes he
could easily take your soul and bring you back
but he is not here no he is sent an army is it
an undead army uh yeah our scouts haven't been
able to get too close but they'll say we'll face
dozens or even hundreds of skeletons and zombies
all around this part of the fortress they have
a few wagons or perhaps large creatures with
them that's not clear I've had conflicting reports
about the Horde's leader, but it's some kind
of ghost or creature made of dark mist. So some
sort of warlord that is kind of guiding this
little army. Where are you going? Where are you
going at? The West Wall. So Duke, are you and
Flea Stick going together? I guess. Whoever follows.
I'll go opposite of them. East? Yeah. Okay, so
Duke and Flea Stick. You guys are going to go
to Mithril Hall. Do you want Waterdeep or do
you want Silvery Moon? Me? Yes, you and Miss
Muffin. So are we defending the inner outer walls?
You're going to be on the wall. Silvery Moon?
Okay, so you're going to go with the lower east
end. Okay, so you two, Archie Ortiz and Miss
Muffin, are going to the Silvery Moon city defense
area. Wonderful and then Duke crystal and fleece
stick sock jelly. Am I reading that right? Correctamundo.
Okay. Yeah, you you guys are gonna be in Mithril
Hall city defense So would you like to know how
to run the weapons of your zone? Okay, so Mithril
Hall is the Northwest defensive So on this wall
is a modified catapult that launches iron canisters
of superheated metal that explode on impact.
Isn't that exciting? Because a cunning mechanized
device drops a new canister into place with the
recoil, loading the launcher immediately and
automatically when it's fired. So when you shoot
this thing, it's going to go and load in another
thing. So to operate this, it has an AC of 15.
Its hit points are 30. requires aim so Dexterity
saving throw DC 15 each creature in a 20 foot
radius sphere centered on a point 30 to 300 feet
from the launcher they fail so if they get under
15 they take 4d6 fire damage and on a success
they take half damage so aiming the forge launcher
requires the utilize action then a creature can
take the fiery canister action so basically I
believe what you do here is you aim. Where's
the thing you have for the attack here? Aim and
then, oh, dexterity saving throw, yeah. So you
would just do the utilize action to aim the thing,
and then it would launch, and then they would
make the save. All right, so she kind of guides
you guys over there to that Mithril Hall defense
area, and she says, well, get familiar with your
zone, and we'll leave you here, and I'm sure
some other guards or soldiers will be by soon
to help you guys out. And then she goes, Miss
Muffin and Archie, I'll show you guys to your
zone. We'll get you guys set up. So you guys
head over to the silvery moon section of the
wall. The east. What's our weapon? Siege weapon
in the silvery moon's defense zone is a ballista.
Imperceptible fey spirits automatically aim the
ballista. However, the spirits aren't strong
enough to lift the heavy ballista bolt, so it
must be loaded by hand. So you must make a load.
Action you got to load it and then take the fire
attack so ranged attack roll plus six you get
a range of 120 anything past that is disadvantage
and If you hit it is a four new ten piercing
damage Yeah, so you guys gotta look the give
me like a strength roll I think to lift the list
of things to put the bolts in and then great
range to tackle Well, no, actually no, it's just
utilize action. I think you just do it You just
load it and then fire. Okay. Like a torpedo.
Yeah, like a torpedo. So she kind of, she leaves
you and there's already two soldiers standing
with you and they're kind of like just little
guys just shaking there with their swords and
like small armor on. But then Duke and Flea Stick,
you only see one soldier walk up. And he kind
of, he walks up and he's like, I'm here to help
you guys, but my friend, he's dead. He can't
help. He bled out. So, like, he's just, you guys
get one guy that's standing with you. So. Just
stay behind us. Yeah. His name is Soldier 3.
Soldier 3. That's how you know he's important.
Soldier 3, you do what we say when we say it.
Okay. It's a good number. He'll survive. Yeah.
So, I'll give you the kind of dimensions you're
working with here. So, battlements and walkways.
The walkway that you guys are on is 20 feet above
the ground, so you're that high up. There's no
battlement railings or anything on the interior
of the walkway, only on the outside of it. The
buildings are all 40 feet high, which don't really
matter because you're not inside the building
unless you somehow get into the building. It
is a sunny afternoon, so it is bright light.
There's no darkness. You have the siege equipment.
There are stairs and ladders that ascend. to
the innards of the fortress. There is a trapdoor
hatch that goes down a ladder next to the front
gate as well in the northern part of the fortress
walls. So... Crap, I pushed something. Hang on.
The fortress walls have a few handholds, so if
something was to happen, you can climb back up
with strength checks. So you guys are kind of
looking over the walls to tell that you can climb.
But that's what you're working with on this kind
of... run down, shittily prepared fortress. Great.
And as you're kind of looking over your areas
and getting ready for your stuff, getting used
to your zones, you hear a scout shout from within
the walls that the horde approaches. Distant
shapes of skeletal soldiers and shambling corpses
appear around nearby hills in several directions,
just like swarming around this thing. You just
see shadows of them. and then as you see them
start to come out of the trees the sickly like
black fog just starts to seep from the ground
and a huge ring around the fortress like the
whole fortress is surrounded by this fog and
then you hear shouts of confusion echoing throughout
the fortress as no one can see the horde's movements
any longer because now they're inside of this
huge shroud of darkness fog and the horde's intent
is is clear and you all need to roll initiative
15 13 I also got a 15 but I got 11 plus 4. I
got 13 plus 2. Oh wait 13 plus 4 so I got 15
No, not 17. Yep He's getting old he is getting
old math real quick. I need to pee. Go pee. Alright,
so what was everyone's initiatives? 15. 15, but
mine's higher than hers on base. 10. 9 -1. Archie,
what was your initiative? 17. 17? Yeah, my bad.
Okay, 17. Okay, let's do some rolling here. Golly.
And first up good does the skeletons So this
is there's a lot of skeletons you see about on
Duke and flea sticks side you see One two three
four five six six crawl moving out of the shadows
and an ogre zombie And Archie and Miss muffin
you see five Skeletons and an ogre zombie creeping
out of the floor Starting to rush forward so
skeleton ten eleven and seven Ten eleven and
seven so that is a fleece sticker. That is a
miss muffin and Archie your side three of the
skeletons They get all the ones that are in initiative
first. Ha! Yay! We do? Yeah, it looks like it.
No! First three. Okay, so the skeletons are all
going to make ranged attacks at you. And trip
and fail and break their bones. So one is going
to shoot at... They're going to get disadvantage
because they're shooting over a wall at both
of you. So 13 at you, Archie? Nope. 13 plus 5.
I mean... So, one hits with his bow. Did you
roll disadvantage? I did not, you're correct.
Oh, you motherfucker. You're cheating! That is
a six plus five. Yay! You don't hit shit! Okay,
so next one's gonna shoot at you, Ms. Muffin.
That is an 18 plus five. 14 plus five. Oh, yeah.
You're fucked, bud. Just like a creeper skeleton
runs out and just pulls back the bow. He did
the mortar shot. Three plus three damage. It's
disadvantage because it's coming back down from
the sky and another one's gonna shoot at you
Archie cuz the other third one was over there
Well, okay 14 plus or 12 plus 5 Yeah, okay five
plus three arrows come flying oh shit I forgot
that Long rest? Yeah. Go ahead and do that and
then add your damage from that. Yeah, fix yourself,
old ass man. So that was 5 plus 3. Heat damage.
That ain't shit now because I got hella health.
Okay, so that was 11 -7 and now 5. It's Skeleton
5's turn. I have them numbered because there's
so many. All right skeleton five is going to
take his shot at Duke Duke eight disadvantage
so two plus five No, that don't hit. No, he went
over this is all Archie We fade back to the east
end. It's your turn Let's move this fucker up
load the fucker up Okay So Yeah, you can aim
it at the ogre. So this one requires a load ranged
attack roll plus six. So yes, utilize action
so you can... Let me read this utilize action
thing real quick. Yeah, read that fast. You normally
interact with an object while doing so something
else, such as when you draw a sword as part of
the attack action when you object. Okay, so yeah,
so basically what you're doing is a free action
to load, and then you're taking the shoot action.
So it's going to be a ranged attack roll plus
six. Yeah, you're gonna take that shot at the
ogre. Yeah, we're doing okay. Give me a range
tackle plus six. It's a d20 plus six 18 18 I
don't like that. I don't like that image. So,
six. You should have been aiming those arrows
at the fucking ballista. Nine. Thirteen. It's
23 damage. So, 23 total? Yep. I didn't know how
smart these skillets were. So, 23. the arrow
actually gives into his eyeball yeah this ballista
fires and you know like you're quick your youth
hasn't slowed you down that much you pull the
throw in the ballista ball and it fires and see
it stick this thing right in the heart he's like
it just starts lumbering forward again um as
he starts to get as as uh you finally focus in
and shoot at him and like hit this one with you
realize that he's carrying a ladder on his back
It is skeleton nine that is nine's number turn
number turns nine He is going to take his shot
So 16 13 plus 5 and I'm going to I roll to see
if he was gonna shoot at a soldier or you guys
so he's gonna hit a soldier Yeah, they're not
very strong soldier number three soldier number
one, okay good Okay, so that is gonna be a d6
plus three oh my god Two plus three damage to
one soldier standing on the sidelines Yes, the
arrow comes through and sticks him in his arm
and he's like, oh my shooting on Okay, so that's
that skeletons turn oof ogre zombies turn on
Duke crystal and flea stick side. So the mithril
Hall defense section Your ogre zombie has its
first chance to move so what can this thing move?
two chat it's five feet 30 feet wow he's right
at the end he's right at the edge he he gets
to the he runs forward and gets to like right
uh 10 feet from the wall and can't quite reach
the ledge yet to drop his hook his ladder in
but he's closer you're good you're on the other
side okay so next turn is miss muffin Yeah. I'm
fighting. Fist fight. Sword fight. Freaking ballista
back up. This is a sword. And hit that ogre again.
Should I hit the ogre again? Yeah. Roll it. What
do I roll for? D20 plus 6. Okay, 7 plus 6. 7
plus 6? Yeah. With advantage? With advantage,
no. That's not how it works. That will hit. It
will? Oh, hell yeah. So 4d10? Yeah, go for it.
One. Nine. Fourteen. Fifteen damage. This one
goes through and it pushes the other ballista
ball out and then flies through the other side
and then he just keeps lumbering forward. He's
undead. We should have took his fate out. Yeah,
maybe. so if we do a headshot do we have to yeah
um if you're one yeah i think if you're wanting
to like do a specific like take out a specific
spot yeah can i wrap this and come off it should
have banned the cannon uh uh skeleton six is
number turn six is number turn six is number
turn uh which is on dupe crystal and flea stick
side i believe yes okay he is going to take his
shot Fireball? Yeah, he's going to take a shot
of fireball. Fireball. He's actually going to
move. It's full movement, so he can get closer,
so he's not shooting at disadvantage. It's more
disadvantage, I guess. And he's going to try
to hit you with a flea stick. See what closest
target he can hit. That's a 2 plus 5, so that's
not going to hit. You, Crystal, it's your turn.
Man, the catapult! The catapult! Okay. Oh, crap.
I'm doing stuff. They said oh no all right, so
catapult of mithril Hall requires aim dexterity
saving throw so give me a dexterity Like an attack
roll as you would so what an attack with Dex
Yeah, yeah, just to kind of like like just give
me like a dex check basically to kind of give
me it We're trying to shoot this thing because
all this thing does is requires aim so you have
to 14 14? Okay, where are you trying to hit this
thing? The ogre. Anywhere on his body. Okay,
so... Right on him. Right on him. It's radial,
right? Yeah, so I think it was 30 feet or something
like that. 20 foot radius. So that would be...
All three behind him. Probably six and three,
yeah. Yeah, six and three. The other one's just
barely out of range, so... we need to roll a
dexterity saving throw for them i hope the ogre
is shitty decks probably uh since he's a lumbering
giant yeah his dex is awful that is a three minus
two so three plus two so yeah he's yeah he's
he failed he definitely failed so six watched
it Alright, the skeleton though. 14 plus 3, so
that one passes. And 16 plus 3. So, two skeletons
take half damage and the ogre zombie will take
full damage. So, that damage will be 4d6. As
these flaming canisters are launching out of
this thing. And it comes flying at them on fire.
Ready to explode. 2... 5... There's 9... And
four, so 13 damage. 13 total. On 46. Okay, so...
And then, depending on if you're going to round
up or down for the half, six would be down, seven
would be up. So six and three. Taking some heavy
fire damage. Caught in the fucking radius. All
right. Good, good hit. It is now the soldier's
turn, who has lost the shooting arm, so now he's
going to shoot at disadvantage at one of these
skeletons. He misses bad. Damn. He fails epically.
Skeleton 2 on the Duke Crystal Flea Stick Mithril
Hall defense zone. Alright. Skeleton 2 is going
to take his shot at you again, Flea Stick. The
last one did and missed bad, and they both missed
bad again. Soldier 2 is going to take his not
-misadvantaged shot at the ogre zombie on their
side. That's a 17. Big money shot! And you see
his stuff here, light crossbow, so 1d8. Not bad.
So he's going to do 5 plus 1, so 6 damage to
the ogre zombie on Archie and Miss Muffin's side.
Deacon, please take your turn. Alright, which
one just tried to attack me? Skeleton 2 and Skeleton
6. Aim for 6 with the catapult. He's hurt. Alright.
Because if you aim for him, you'll hit 2, 3,
6, and the ogre. Well, I'm going for 6 with the
catty. That way you get some splash. You made
dexterity roll. Saving? No, just dexterity. Yeah,
whatever your dexterity is. 4. Okay, so may not
be on target. Yeah You're trying to hit six can
I use my heroic inspiration? Yeah, you can if
you want. Yeah, you know the role Okay, so You
try to use the magic to redirect this thing midair,
and it just doesn't work, and it falls short
and hits the ground in front of him, explodes,
and you see the skeleton's, like, the flame just,
like, gets right on the edge of his radius because
you didn't quite make the shot there. All right.
Now it's about to be some skeletons. Skeleton
eight. I am going to use my bonus action to summon
my spiritual weapon. Okay. Are you summoning
it with you or, like, down there with them? Put
it right where they're about to climb up. Yeah,
exactly. Okay, that works. They have something
to deal with. All right, skeleton number eight.
He's going to take his shot at the ballista because
he's a little bit closer. He's going to move
that direction. What's his movement speed? Oh,
yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's going to take
his shot, which is this short bow roll that I'm
going to do at the ballista. Oh, what's this
bit? Damn. 8 plus 5, and Ballista has AC of 15.
So he misses. Poop! Poop indeed. Okay, Skeleton
4's turn, so we're flipping back to the other
side. Ooh, the other side. Back to the other
side. They're going to start advancing as much
as they can, since their ogre is close. He's
going to get right up snug against the wall.
You can hear the, like... Chattering of the bones
as he's just like standing below the wall waiting.
He's gonna just lava lava disadvantage the arrow
up there at someone 18 plus 5 So I will roll
a d4 to see what this random arrow would have
planned Three one two three. It's the catapult
All right, so the catapult is Yeah, 15. So it's
got 30 HP. So that is going to hit for a d6.
6 plus 3 damage. Are you keeping track of the
damage for it? I am, yeah. Okay, good. 21 health
on it. Woo! Woo! Fuck you. Go skeletons! Alright,
skeleton 1 is going to take a shot at Duke because
he hears him saying fuck you to his friends.
It's a nat 1. So, this skeleton... Yeah, he comes
running, he's like, picks up running to shoot,
and he trips over these rocks right here and
kind of tumbles down this little falling rock
path down here, and he's going to take a little
bit of damage. Good. So that's one damage, but
it's going to take him a little bit longer to
crawl back out of this hole to get to you guys
from his catastrophic failure. Okay, but it is
now finally the ogre turn on Miss Muffin and
Archie. movement speed is enough to make it so
as he runs up to this wall you see that this
ladder he's carrying isn't quite he's not carrying
this ladder it's hooked into his back like he's
got these hook meat hooks like stuck into his
back and he runs up and latches the top of the
ladder on and then just sits down and like holds
it in place like stuck against the wall It's
just a metal like wood fucked up ladder. That's
all wood wood wood metal pieces Pieces of wood
and metal so it could catch fire maybe but yeah
he he kind of hooks it up there and just like
right like sits down and sturdies it up and That's
his turn skeleton Don't know who this skeleton
is I think that's just an extra. I don't know
who that is. Okay. Soldier 3. I'm going to do
a wisdom save for this guy. He saves. He kind
of looks around. He's like, my friend died. Because
I want to run. But I'm going to fight. And he
comes running up to the edge. And he tries to
take a narrow shot at the skeleton that fell
down inside the rock crevasse. And he gets a
nat 20. Good thing he decided he was going to
fight. Nice. Number 3. Good job, number 3. What's
his attack? So that's a light crossbow, so 1d8.
Double damage. So that's a 5 and a 3. 8, so 8
plus 1. Nice. So 9 damage to the skelly that
fell in a hole. That's what he gets for thinking
he's going to shoot one of those. Alright, soldier
3. Skeleton 3. He's going to move up against
the wall as tight as he can and take his disadvantage
shot. Randomness. Because he can't see what he's
shooting at. 12 plus 5. Will that hit anyone?
No. Poopy. Alright, back to the top. Top of the
round. That was a long round. I guess it could
hit catapult. Are you aiming at us? Yeah. I don't
know what number 3 is. Well, 3 is a 15. So that's
catapult. So I guess it will hit the catapult.
1, 2, 3, 6, 5, plus... 5 plus 3. Damage to the
catapult. Thanks for reminding me. No problem.
Okay. Skeleton 10. Now that the hook is placed
and the ladder is set, Skeleton 10 takes off
charging and starts to climb up the ogre zombie
thing and... Oh, I grabbed him on accident. And
climbs up top and he's at the top of the wall
facing you, Archie. He's going to pull up his
bow as he stands there and stares at you and
shoots you in the mouth. He's going to shoot
you right in the mouth. 15. Plus five. Yep. One
plus three damage. Big money. Four damage. Stealing
shit. Four damage, stealing shit. All right.
Next turn is Skeleton Eleven. You know what he's
going to do? Motherfucker. He's going to run.
Oh, wait, actually. Actually, he can't make it.
He's going to run and take his disadvantage shot.
Up at the catapult, the only angle he can see.
11. That's 11 plus 5. So that will hit. Or a
ballista, sorry, not the catapult. And it will
hit. So that is 4 plus... 4 plus 3 damage to
the ballista. Word. Skeleton 7. He starts to
run towards the ladder and he Yanks him welly
up starts climbing up the top of this ogre zombie
and he's gonna take his shot as well at you 18
plus 5 that's it So 5 plus 3 damage as another
arrow sticks you again. You're getting the Boromir
treatment Okay skeleton 5 Lucky it's not on yours.
This is Mithril Hall to Vincent Skeleton 5 is
going to make his way closer to the wall and
take his shot at... Let's see, who can he see
now? Flea stick, the closest one. That's a miss.
Big miss. Archie, your turn. I'm ready, so I
got 7 and 10 in front of me. You got 7, 10, 11
about to climb up, and two more behind him. I'm
about to climb up on their next turn. But yeah,
there's two standing directly in front of you.
Yeah, there's only two within like a 15 foot
distance of me. Yeah. Alright. Well, I'm going
to hit them with Burning Hands. Okay. So you
have to make a dex save. Dex save? 13. Yep. Well,
that's a nat 20, so. Well, fuck yeah. Yeah. Well,
actually I've got to do the other one. Well,
I guess with a nat 20 I'd say that both of them
saved. So yeah, he saves. Is that half damage?
I'll take half that damage. So 3d6. Double save.
So, 11. Half of 11. Half of 11? Okay. Two...
Okay. Flames shoot out of your hands. And you
burn the shit out of them. You burn the shit
out of them! Skeleton 9 climbs up the ogre zombie,
standing on the ledge of the wall. Yep, I'm cooked.
And he's gonna take his shot. As you can assume.
11 plus 5? Yep. Yeah? Yep. 1 plus 3 damage. There's
another arrow that sticks you. You're getting
the Boromir treatment. Hard. And now it's the
ogre zombie on... Duke's side and flea stick's
side. You know what he's going to do. Take one
large step forward and hook his ladder into the...
And sit down. And there's his action. Miss Muffin,
it's your turn. No. There's an ogre zombie latched.
You know, well, the... What do you call it? Will
it... And there's three skeletons in... The ballista,
will it reach him? Over zombie. No, he is like
below the wall, right? So I don't know what to
do. Well, we got three skeletons on the top of
the ladder and two down below I'm gonna run to
the top of the ladder and dagger the Skeleton
at the top of the ladder and hopefully knock
him off the ladder. I'm down Okay, give me and
are you are you trying to stab him? Are you trying
to shove him stab him off of the ladder? stab
shove might lose my So there's two Do you want
to do it in possibility of losing your dagger?
I thought that's what you were about to say to
me. If you want to do that, sure. If you want
to take the dagger and shove action at the same
time, sure, but you'll probably lose your dagger.
Okay, I don't want to lose my dagger. I'm just
going to shove him. I'm just going to run up
and shove him. Okay, give me a strength check.
Strength. To shove him. 13. He fails. So yes,
you will successfully shove one of the zombies
off the top of the ladder. Did he break? Did
his bones break when he hit the ground? He's
broken. Well, let's see. What's his health here?
He broke a hip. Yeah. So that's going to be...
Which skeleton did you push? The one at the top
of the ladder. There's two of them? Yeah, so
there's three of them. One of them, he falls
off and yeah, he goes... Then you hear that...
Like little Lego pieces just like shatter on
the ground and he dies. And then can I disengage
and back up some so I don't get swooped up by
the other ones on the top? Yeah. Okay. Well,
where you were standing was 20 feet to them.
You have what, 35? So then you can move... Unless
it went up. Oh, 30? Okay, then yeah, you can
move about 5 feet back from them. 10 feet back
from them. Good. Do that. Alright. next it's
time for the skeletons to start climbing on you
guys push them off can they hear us no they cannot
hear you're on the whole other side of this little
wall i mean i can hear like distant shouts maybe
but all right he's a bit closer and he's going
to take a shot at you flea steak you're the closest
one you can see 19 plus five yeah no more disadvantage
they're like it's time to go two plus three damage
Next up is Duke. Your turn. I would like to catapult
at the base of the wall where big guy's sitting.
Where big guy's sitting? Mm -hmm. Oh, like towards
that, down there in that area? Okay, give me
dexterity shot. It's just a radius. You're trying
to hit that area. Crit. Nat 20, son? Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, you hit him. So just do a double. double
your damage i guess on this so eight d6 yeah
four four yeah so do eight d6 they're all gone
29 29 damage so that's two ogre zombie and the
Two skeletons next to him? Whatever failed. Oh,
they're the dex save. I forgot. I forgot about
that. Well, they failed except for the last skeleton.
29 to all but him. He gets half of that. Okay,
so 29 to Ogre Zombie. Oh, he's dead. Skeleton
3, fries. Skeleton 4, fries. so it's just the
ogre zombie standing there charred and burned
but still alive has been falling the ladder gets
on fire um yeah the nat 20 i'll say the ladder
is kind of starting to burn yeah like while he's
burning so it's hooked into him and he's burning
himself okay next up is second skeleton and he's
gonna crawl up the ladder and take a little bit
of fire damage as he climbs up that's gonna be
two fire damage to that skeleton as he pushes
through I have to crawl through fire every time
they want to climb up. And he's going to take
his shot at... Let's see, what's the range here?
Oh yeah, he's going to shoot you, Duke. You just
did that. Ten plus five? No? No. Oh. Please take
your turn. Yee -haw! It's a good try, though.
Alright, who else left? You got two skeletons
up on the wall standing ahead, and... Skeleton
still down in the ravine that he fell in and
one still on the ground about to climb up the
okra zombie They're about 40 feet from you 50
feet from you. So I'm gonna do the guiding ball
at the two of them all Okay, so you hit which
one? The front opening arc one up in the back.
They are like past the wall. They're not on the
ledge They're like they're officially up on the
wall like on your guys's ground walkways Okay,
they're next to my shield then. Yeah, you can
you can try to With a guiding ball, you can hit
one if you'd like. Yeah. Okay. Is that a damage?
Do you got to do an attack roll? Yeah, I got
to roll for it. Okay. So that'd be nine plus
eight, so 17. Yeah, that'll hit. Oh, sure. All
right, so... Let me see which one I want to do.
All right, so 5d6. Five. That's a 13. That's
a 19 damage. 19. Yeah, he's dead. Fried with
radiant light. That's double damage. I got advantage.
Well, he's dead. I don't have advantage on the
next one. He died, so there's no way. Yeah. All
right. Well, spiritual weapon time. Okay. Going
for the second skelly. Go for it. If I can find
my weapon. There it is. Alright, so... Six plus
eight? Yeah. Alright, so... Seven plus five.
Beat to death by a spiritual garbage shield.
Yay! Clad in bones. Rumpke printed on his forehead.
Yes. Boom! Says Rumpke. Uh, now we're back to
Skeleton 8. But, as the ranks start to fall,
uh, you, uh, Archie, you hear ahead of you, um,
a few more ranks start to flow out. You see a
zombie approach out of the, out of the, uh, the
fray, and another skeleton approach. Jesus. As
they start to approach for heavier into your
vicinity out of the fog. But, it is Skeleton
8's turn. He's going to climb up the zombie,
the ogre zombie. And he's at the top. He's going
to take a shot at you. Yay. Nine plus five. No,
right? No. Yeah. Skeleton one. Wait. Does it
deflect missiles? Yeah, I can use that against
the arrows, can't I? Motherfucker. Okay, so skeleton
one is buffed. He's stuck in a ravine, so he's
going to... Make a strength check to climb out
of there. That's a nat 1. He breaks his leg and
falls and dies down inside of this ravine as
he crumbles into pieces because he had already
almost no health and he nat 1'd again. Poor guy
was a bad soldier. Yeah, he was meant to fail.
Okay, so... He can't do anything because he's
stuck staying there. Ogre zombie. Okay, so your
skeleton's all on... This is skeleton number
10, Archie. He's going to move... Well, actually,
Miss Muffin, he's going to move up and he's going
to swing at you. Yay. That is a 10 plus... Uncanny
dodge. Plus 5. You're going to do uncanny dodge?
I don't know. Do you want to? No. I'm fine. Okay,
4 plus 3 damage. Yeah, that ain't bad. I can
handle that. I have 6. Time six. I'm being all
right skeleton 11 climbs the ogre zombie and
he's they're all piling up on the top of these
stairs on the top of this like ladder like Piling
up on top of it starting to Really climb up there.
He's going to take his shot at nothing To he
misses yeah Archie, it's your turn You have what
looks like multiple enemies climbing up and more
enemies coming out of the fog behind these enemies
oh my gosh yeah we're like they're starting to
really pile up we're and now they're like on
top of the ladder like what are we doing make
them not be able to climb up anymore as well
make it where they can't climb up yeah anymore
you know as a kamikaze you know go for it you
can't blow the side of the are you gonna like
wall off what are you wanting to do exactly sacrifice
sacrifice a sacrifice fireballs on your necklace
yeah i got four of them just run up and drop
my hand i have to do that i'm gonna do that we're
gonna do that okay Well, here goes the castle
wall. You see Archie Ortiz. Miss Muffin, you're
the only one who sees this, I guess, and the
soldier who's there with you. They see Archie
take off running and pushing through this one
skeleton. It has this necklace of fireballs.
Archie, give me a dexterity roll. Oh, baby. Draw.
one yeah to see how how well you do this as you're
doing this i mean sacrifice can't be stopped
so it's gonna be perfect natural 20 oh my god
what's happening on the sacrifice the gods have
spoken so archie you take off running and there's
like there's one skeleton that's like kind of
got by and it was over there fighting this muffin
you do like a run tackle them just pull them
with you pulling them to the ledge and uh you
run and like tackle this whole layer of uh like
skeletons off the wall of this castle and go
to throw down your bombs so what damage does
it do because it's so i got four of them it's
like it's like a level four it's like every one
you do is like a stacked level so it's like the
necklace has one d6 plus three beads hanging
from it you can use an action to blah blah blah
when it reaches the end of its trajectory the
bead detonates as a third level fireball say
or spell And then I think it's like every bead
you use with it, it increases the level. Yeah,
when you do so, increase the level of fireball
by one for each bead beyond the first. So it
starts at third, you're at four level four. So
you're going to be a level seven fireball. Yeah,
oh my God. What level? Archie, why? Okay. You're
doing a little bit of this calm. You're too old
for that. So what you're telling me is you got
a pressure cooker ball. Yeah. And you're about
to set it off. Oh, I'm about to kill everything.
He's like, I got 28 stoozy dynamite. Don't kill
yourself, Ed, man. You're shielded by the wall.
It's going to be a wall of fire. Increase the
rate of 1d6 for each level slot above third.
So you will have what? Four level slots above
the third. It starts with 8d6 fire damage. And
then it's four slots above third. So you'll get
9d6, 10d6, 11d6. You'll do 12d6. You're dead.
Why don't you be down there like three hells?
I'll do it with you. You can roll them or you
can do D &D Beyond. If you want to do that like
click like fucking 12 or you can say well Yeah,
they want to do the app you can do 12 or if you
want to do your final How many is that there
We're counting up dice to see if we can get the
total 12 I have six. I can just roll these twice.
Okay, roll those twice. I don't know if we have
12. No, we've got six, though. I'm standing.
That's how excited I'm getting. I'm standing.
Oh, God. Roll those two again. They're both fives.
Yeah, roll those two again because they missed.
Okay, count all that up. Twelve. Twelve plus
eight. Plus eight. Plus two. Twelve plus eight
plus two. 12 plus 8 plus 2. What the fuck? Is
that how you counted it? Yeah. 22 for that roll.
Do it again. Now you have to do another 6 of
those. I will say, you have already went past
your health. Oh my god. He was very low health.
Yeah, all the mirrors. 9 plus 6 plus 3. Wait,
chill. What was his total health? He had 15.
What's his total total? Well, he has to go negative
39 today. So 15 plus 39. You do need at least,
like, yeah, decent amount of damage. 18, so 22
plus 18. Yeah, he's probably doing it. He's crispy.
He's dead. That's 40 damage. So, yeah, Archie,
you fly off this bitch, this wall, and drop these
grenades. And, like, all Ms. Muffin sees is just
the fry of, like, bones and flesh and ladder
pieces. The smell of him. The smell of burntness
fill the air. Archie! It's like the huge flame
just shoots up past the wall and fries to an
ash. It's like the big old dust mine. He smells
steroids and testosterone. His old fart dust
cloud explosion. 80 years of fart dust built
up. Thus the fall of Archie. This episode of
Dummies with Dice features Kelly Lee as Miss
Muffin, Nate Chambers as Duke Crystal, Ryan Hart
as Archie Ortiz, Ryan Tucker as Flea Stick Sock
Jelly, and Tristan Hayes as the DM. This episode
is edited and mixed by Tristan Hayes. The artwork
for Dummies with Dice, created by Al Sordson,
can be found on Instagram under ARCSI0. The theme
song is The Intense Fiddle by Ben Caldera. Today
is a special episode because... It is Brian Hart's
last episode with the dummies. He has to move
on with his life to continue his job, and it
takes him in different places of the world, so
he's going to be moving on from our sessions.
And he may be back as a guest eventually, but
that ends the time of Archie Ortiz. When it comes
to Dummies with Dice, you can find our website
on rss .com slash podcast slash Dummies with
Dice and on Facebook at Dummies with Dice. Most
importantly, you can join our Patreon at patreon
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