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use of violence profanity rude humor and the
portrayal of drug and alcohol use Welcome to
dummies with dice a Dungeons and Dragons actual
play podcast that follows for not so average
dummies of our world that get caught up in a
magical storm and are transported to the world
of Dungeons and Dragons where they must survive
and try to find a way back home. Kelli You said
you were first. Well, I mean we said. hi, I'm
Kelli Lee and I play Miss muffin She's a crazy
cat lady rogue fun fact Miss Muffin listens to
dubstep on the reg. On the reg. Who's next? Me,
I guess. All right. Get it. Oh, God. Hey, guys.
Ryan, R1. I'm playing as Archie Ortiz, the 76
-year -old MMA gym owner. He's also the monk
of the group. Fun fact. Archie is running out
of fun facts. His life has become limited with
his age. Nate here. My character's Duke Crystal.
He's a 32 -year -old drug -addicted level 4 barbarian
in the group. Fun fact about Duke, he secretly
likes rom -coms. Aww. I think we're finding more
and more out about Duke. He's more like my name
is Jeff than he thought. My name is Jeff. That's
nice of him. Hey everybody, Ryan here, R2. Here,
I play as Flea Stick Sock Jelly. I'm the hobo
trash master cleric of the god Rumpke. I'm the
MacGyver of all things trash and garbage. Fun
fact, Flea Stick uses bacon grease like lotion.
Wink, wink, yes. You think it, it's happening.
There's no wink, wink. You think it. Oh, God.
Okay. His old lady likes bacon. My name is Trisston
Hayes and I am the dummy master and my fun fact
is that the ancient Romans used human urine as
mouthwash and toothpaste Tooth whitener,
come here. It is sterile. We're going to clean
your mouth. Sterile mouthwash. Okay, so where
we had left off, you guys had gotten inside the
vault, you had looted, you had killed Prisoner
13. Excuse me. And then you had found a scroll,
and it started to entrance you all into it. You
started to be drawn to force to look at this
scroll. And before you know it, you feel your
body's kind of starting to dematerialize and
start to be pulled inside of this scroll. And
you were sucked. I feel fuzzy. And yeah, you
were being sucked inside the scroll. And once
you feel yourself start to re -materialize, you
look around and each of you are alone. You don't
see anybody around you. You're in this huge,
this white void of space. All you see is white
in every direction. Looks like the beginning
of the universe or something. Not the white room.
So. Why do I have a boner? Oh, God, that wouldn't
make sense. But as you guys are kind of standing
here and you're looking off into the distance,
you see, like, the Star Wars -esque, like, words
start to just kind of scroll down into the white
void. And the words say, the galaxy. Basically,
the words kind of start to form, and they say
that each of you will be trialed with your own
mind, your own physicality, your own bodies will
have to forcefully fight your way through this.
But if you make your way through, you will get
the information you seek. And then the words
start to cut off. Who would like to go through
their trials first? Let's get it, son. Flea Stick,
are you going first? I'm going to go first. Okay,
Flea Stick. I'm going to get it out of the way.
Okay. The flea stick, you're looking around and
this white void, like all you're just seeing
is white. And then far off in the distance you
see like the figure of a person, just kind of
like hunched over and like kind of leaned on
the ground looking real groggily. What would
you like? That's nasty. Would you like to approach?
Cautiously. Approach cautiously? Okay, so as
you start to get closer to this figure of a person,
you realize that this is like you're seeing like
trash bags and like mud and just a bunch of garbage
and it's formed into the figure of a person kind
of hunched over and uh as you approach um it
kind of moves and shifts and turns to you and
it goes i saved you flea stick you made me you
molded me to save you and then as you kind of
uh hear this the world around you starts to shift
and materialize into a pow camp and you are locked
inside of a cage as you look around you look
on the ground and there's this garbage style
iron man suit that you have used previously you
said to uh escape a pow camp and flea sticks
past so what do you do As you see this on the
ground, you're inside of a cage and you look
around and you're seeing like soldiers with like
AKs and shit like walking around. Let's get it.
Okay, roll me a wisdom check. To see if you can,
you know, control this garbage mech with your
power. 18 plus 4. 18 plus 4? Good, okay. So,
yeah, you kind of stand up with a suit and you're
just, you see like... Trash, what does it look
like? What does the suit look like? It's like
a bunch of like aluminum pop cans And like steel
plates and all the major parts. Yeah with like
Pringle can bazookas on the arm Okay, yeah, so
Okay, so yeah you you suit up into this garbage
style Ironman suit and your Pringle cans are
loaded You see all the guys kind of turned you
to go. Oh my god He's what is that and you start
firing Pringle cans start give me two attack
rolls With a spell attack, with whatever your
spell attack is. No. You got it on here, not.
Are you proficient in Pringle Cans? Yeah, are
you proficient in Pringle Cans? What kind of
Pringles? What is it, my spellcasting mod? Pizza.
Pizza Pringle. Not sponsored. Sad. It's Prangles.
Prangles. These are some Prangles. These are
Prangles. Spell attack modifier. Use that. Spell
attack or the modifier. Give me two attack rolls.
13 plus 6, 19. And 6 plus 6, 12. So 19 and 12,
that's it? okay so yeah the first attack comes
off strong you got prangles looking boom launching
out and it kind of smokes a couple guys and then
smokes another guys but then your second attack
you go to shoot and it kind of malfunctions and
you feel a bullet kind of whiz by and blow off
a piece of your armor give me a deck save That's
a horrible one. Okay, so you're able to kind
of roll out of the way before you feel the bullets
start to pierce through you and Then before you
know it you look up and you've got like dudes
all around you with this a cage pointed at you
and How did you get out of this originally how
did flea stick escape from them? All right, so
they're all like jumping on And I built the suit
to where the popkins come up my razor blade out
and spring launch them off me Okay, so I got
a bunch of man. Yeah, so yeah You go to do that
and you see you remember that that scenario where
the razor blade aluminum cans are kind of slicing
out But for some reason it's just not going the
way that you thought it was if there's you feel
the blades come out But it's almost like they
were stopped and kind of you look around and
you see your garbage can shield kind of floating
there just in front of you and it blocks your
razor blades from coming out uh so give me another
dexterity save 11 11 ricochet that's a nat 20
that's the odyssey so yeah you go to you go to
swing and you come up and it blocks it and you're
like thinking so like oh my god garbage can shield
and then the shield kind of flips around and
hits you in the forehead and you fall to your
back you're laying there and you see the shield
uh a figure kind of form behind the shield and
it's holding it and he goes yeah you thought
you were going to get out of here with everything
because but you're not and then this guy kind
of fades away with your shield in his hand as
the memory kind of fades with you and you kind
of wake back up and you're inside this white
void again but you look around and your shield
is not attached to your body anymore but you
did see the figure of someone odd kind of just
not they weren't looked like they were supposed
to be there it was an odd very out of place phasing
yes yes and then took off with your shield now
who's next i'm scared he's nerfing us i'll go
yeah yeah crystal oh god i think it worked out
pretty well for me though yeah it could have
been worse yeah okay duke you're uh you're in
the same situation you see this white white uh
void and far off ahead of you you hear the familiar
voice of skier mcfly that was his name yeah you
hear the familiar voice of skier mcfly um and
he goes uh he's screaming out he goes oh duke
buddy oh dude buddy we've ran a lot of info and
drugs for you along the years but this one might
be one of the most situations we've been in dude
and then as she says that you see the world shift
around you and you're inside of one of your uh
big uh i don't know what you call it uh businesses
my lab yes your lab and uh you see uh Skeeter
on the ground. He's kind of bleeding a bit. He
goes dude. This is there. They're here. They're
ready to kill us, dude We fucked up. They're
good. They're here They're ready you look outside
and you see like trucks and motorcycles and all
kinds of just like gangsters out there with guns
and all this stuff pulling up and I Need you
to give me a dexterity save as they all And guns
start cocking Let's see. I have advantage on
deck stage. I can see from danger sense. Yeah,
go for it. Let's see. There's an 18. Another
18. Another 18? Okay, yeah, so bullets just start
through this window, through the doors. They're
smashing shit, and you're kind of dodging and
ducking around and rolling on the ground and
scooting up next to Skeeter, and you guys are
on the ground as bullets come flying through.
As you look around the room... There is two doorways.
There's the door next to you which heads directly
out towards the trucks. Then there's a door on
the back side of the building. What would you
like to do to try to get out of this situation
or change this situation? However you would like
to do. How many people out front? Lots. There's
like multiple trucks, multiple motorcycles. There's
lots of people out front. Like a whole lot. I'd
say probably 15 or more. Because they're just
loaded up outside ready to fucking kill Duke
Crystal and his business. And I just got my melee
weapons, essentially. Yeah, you've got everything
that you had with you. Okay. Uh, yeah, out the
back. Out the back? Okay, give me an athletics
check to run to the other side of the building
as they all are... 18? 18? Very nice. You just
yeah, yeah, so yeah, you were able to run by
as bullets come flying through the windows and
Jumping through everything and then you see Skeeter
on the ground. He's kind of crawling He's like
Duke, please do don't leave me behind dude because
I've helped you so much. Don't leave me He's
crawling like bleeding all over the ground. What
do you do as you like kind of get to the edge
of the door? You leave him yes It's business.
Okay, so as you go running out, he goes, Dude,
Crystal, you son of a... bitch and you see uh
skeeter literally float up off the ground and
he's like in t -pose like hanging up and uh the
fate like the body of skeeter just kind of falls
and drops and then you see a figure standing
there like a huge like buff ripped up dude he
goes you win this round duke and then he flies
and shoots out of the sky and you wake up and
uh you still have your items nothing was taken
from you because you successfully passed everything
but yeah you see that figure kind of shoot out,
and then you come waking up into the void. Any
inspiration? Sure, you can get inspiration, because
it seems like it would actually be... I'll let
you both have inspiration, because you guys did
give off a big piece of your... following your
true origin stories and whatnot. So, who's next?
Archie? Archie, I'm excited for yours. I'm not.
Archie, you're in the white void. In the distance,
you see this... what do you call it? Create a
character outline from like a UFC game. That
like black just... Silhouette. Yeah, silhouette.
Yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. See like
the silhouette of a person standing far off in
the distance. What would you like to do? Walk
towards him. So as you keep walking towards him,
you notice that his figure isn't changing. There's
no features happening. It's still just a blank
like silhouette create a character ass person.
But as you get closer... the world around you
shifts just like the rest and you see announcers
and like stands full of people and it's a boxing
arena so you see a ring ahead of you and you're
like walking in the entrance of the walkway heading
down and you hear the voice kind of the announcer
ringing up above everything he goes tonight we
have Archie Ortiz the undefeated champion boxer
of this weight class that we are fighting in
tonight? He goes, so as you're kind of approaching
the ring and you climb in, he goes, his opponent
is, and then the black silhouette just morphs
and looks exactly like you as a mirror image
of you. He says, Archie Ortiz! As you both kind
of roll up to each other as a mirrored fight
of your MMA boxing match. So, give me a wisdom
save. As you see this complete mirror image of
yourself who's going to know your every move,
your every thing. I'm blue at this point. 14.
14? Okay, you pass. So you're kind of able to
shake off the effect of like, what the hell's
going on? Is this my old age? Why am I seeing
myself? And you start seeing hands just coming,
flinging at you, like throwing at you. It's just
so... Fast, so quick. Give me an attack roll
or a dexterity save. You can either choose to
do a dexterity save to try and dodge his attacks,
but you may not take any damage. Or you can try
to attack him, but you may take damage but also
get the deal damage. So it's up to you. You want
to dodge or attack, basically. I have a plus
8 on attack and a plus 6 on dexterity, so I don't
know. Attack yourself! This is strategic boxing.
Well, what is your plan to do? I'll roll a dex
save. Dex save? Okay. Try to dodge the attack?
Okay. What'd you get? Twelve. Twelve? Alright.
What's your attack to hit? My AC? No, what's
your... When you hit with an unarmed attack or
whatever, what is it to hit? Should be unarmed
strike. Like in your attacks. Oh, it is... Oh,
plus six to hit. Plus six? Okay, so I got a 16.
With his attack that you were trying to dodge.
So you gave me the deck save of 12? Is that what
it was? Yeah, so his attack comes through. You
feel a... Just kind of hits you in the face.
And then you realize that every punch that landed,
you just feel like you're aged a slight bit more.
Like every time he hit you, it's like he's taking
a bit of your youth and becoming a little bit
stronger with your speed. So, would you like
two? Dexterity save again or attack? I'm attacking
this motherfucker. Okay, give me attack roll.
Because it is your turn to fully give your rebuttal.
Twelve? Twelve? Okay, yeah. You throw, you come
in. I'm going to do a plus six on that. Yeah.
Plus six on that one was your hit? So, yeah.
Twelve plus six? No. Oh. Plus six to hit. Okay,
yeah. Alright, so twelve? Yeah, twelve. Okay.
Yeah, so he failed his dexterity time. block
dodge out of your attack so you come in you just
throw in hands and uh you both are kind of just
been landing blow after blow and you failed a
deck save and he landed a blow so you aged a
bit but you realize that you go are kind of standing
stalemated just kind of staring at each other
give me a d20 roll straight up straight the just
a straight d20 no no pluses just oh my god what'd
you get two i got a five So, yeah, you guys are
both going in for that, like, slow motion, one
last punch, going to, like, connect. And you
just feel his fist connect a little bit sooner
than your fist connects. And it hits your jaw,
and you kind of fall to the ground. And as you're
getting up, he gets in your face, and he goes,
yeah, your youth's mine, so good luck with that,
old ass. And it kind of fades off, and you see
that silhouette kind of fall, and then this figure
just kind of of an outline shape fades away,
and you get... Your strength is lowered by 2,
so now you have an 8. Because with your age has
aged up, you have lost some of your strength.
You're old as fuck now. And you gained an 8.
Yes, so you have gained an 8. Your C4 has gone
bad. Luckily that doesn't affect your attack
rolls, but it makes any strength check is going
to be pretty much a minus 1 now. So yeah. Archie's
old age is rough. And Miss Muffin. Oh yeah, but
as you do that, you see him fade away. And you're
in the white void. I do this as you basically...
Just give him the fingers. I don't need my youth.
Fuck you, asshole. The older I am, the wiser
I am. Does he get the AARP perk? Yes. I get to
see your discount. Yes, he gets to see the discount.
But you wake up and you see the white void. So
now, Miss Muffin. Oh, Miss Muffin. I'm glad we
saved you for last. No, no, no. So, just nothing.
You look around and you see the white void. And
you hear off in the distance, Mew. Mew. Hazel?
Mew. And off in the distance you see a little
hazel just like way off in the distance. What
do you do? I'm running for her. You're running
for her? Okay, as you start getting closer you
realize that the mews are kind of like, Mew.
Mew. it's getting like more and more fucked up
and like the closer you get you see this like
mangle just like burnt up looks like she just
got freshly hit with the acid like tore up and
she goes she goes mother please what have you
done to me she's talking to me yes you hear her
actually talking to you through the muse and
she goes why did you put me in the tunnel to
be crushed and then hurt me with acid dude crystal
You try to convince her of that? Okay. Give me
a wisdom save. She slices you. You die. Eight
plus one. Eight plus one. You failed. So she
goes, no. No, you listen to him. You put me in
there. You let me get hurt. She goes, you please
just kill me. Let this pain end. The acid had
burnt me. I'm hurt. Just kill me already. Make
me a wisdom save with disadvantage. Disadvantage?
Yes, because you failed your first one. What?
Three plus one three plus one. Yeah, that's a
good one So yeah, she's saying all this stuff
to you and before you can even realize you've
got like your dagger in your hand and She's a
she's kind of just like she says well you failed
your wisdom And she you feel this dagger in your
hand and she's kind of looking at you deeply
and she goes yes. Yes. Yes. Yes Yes, kill me
kill me and then uh, give me an attack roll Yeah,
both natural 20. Two plus one. Two plus one?
For your attack roll? That's not true. Unarmed
strike? Oh wait, no, I have a dagger. Yeah. Okay,
two plus six. Two plus six? Okay, you got lucky.
You got a stab and you stick the ground next
to her and she goes, you fucking pussy. I knew
you couldn't kill me. Yeah, because I love you.
Because you know what? He told me. He told me
that you would kill me. He thought that you really
would do it. Who? And then you see Hazel kind
of float up and she goes, the one that brought
you all here, the one that's going to keep you
from getting information you need. And then the
cat kind of fades away. And as she kind of pulls
off, you see this figure step out from behind
her and shift around and have her by the back
of the neck. And she goes, I'm keeping this until
you can be strong enough to get her back. And
kind of fades off and disappears with Hazel.
Oh, my God. You should have killed the cat. Yes!
Cat is gone. Like for real? Like for real? For
the time being, yes. Miss Muffin is not attached
to you anymore. She is prisoner of war. So as
of now, the only significant items that have
been taken from you, well actually all three
of you, have failed except for Duke. So they
have your cat, they have your youth, Archie,
and they have flea sticks, shield. As this all
kind of unfolds, you feel the reality start to
shift, and, like, Oz and Walls are, like, moving
and closing, and you all kind of get pushed and
moved, and you are now in a party together, all
four sitting next to the ground. Most of you
look depressed, except for Duke. It looks like
he just left his good buddy behind to die and
didn't get anything taken from him. Thank you.
the right choices everybody's like sad and deuces
like I can smell setup yeah he gonna stick me
with the knife as soon as I go to help him I
know shit works grew up on the streets I don't
think I have well I guess I never put it in my
I have a holy shield emblem that's just a thing
for like a room he thought he catched Duke slipping
so as you guys all form back up into your party
You're standing here kind of like you're kind
of looking around waiting for kind of what's
coming next what information will happen and
you see ahead of you just like rows of Like people
just rows of them all kind of lines. There's
like soldiers. There's marketplace people. There's
villagers, but they all are just blank There's
no expressions on their face. They're just standing
there like still is gonna be and then you hear
this huge voice Just kind of boom over them all
and he goes this place here You fucking sons
of bitches. This place here is a pocket dimension.
And I, I'm the one who brought you all to this
world. He goes, but I'm going to keep you in
this world because I'm taking over your world.
Then you see this like huge, just figure of this
like black robed person in the sky of this boy,
just taking up the whole, whole area. He goes,
you think that you are strong enough to come
at me? He goes, my four, I got four people right
here, your counterparts. They took shit from
all of you, except Duke. Ah, because Duke, he's
got the power. He's the big man over there. He's
got the sword that gives him all kinds of power.
Oh, yeah. He goes, but Duke will learn. He goes,
you'll all learn. And then you see all of these,
like, people, marketplace people, and they all
start to just kind of shuffle towards you, moaning
and zomb... I wasn't moaning. No, no. A zombie
-like manner. What would you guys like to do?
Kill them all. Kill them all. Okay, so if you
guys want to run through and try to just fight
through all of these, you can give me a series
of attack rolls. And if you complete them as
a percentage, I will say it cuts you away forward
if that's what you're wanting to do. Because
these aren't like zombies where they're like
fighting you. They're just literally like people.
Are they undead? Just like walking. Yes, they
are undead. Do they have life essence that can
be stolen? No, probably not. Not in this room.
So we're just going to run into them and slice
them all up. I got this. No, I got it. I could
throw a fireball. I'll just, uh... Turn undead
and have them run away for me for a minute. Yeah,
you can do that. What is it, wisdom save? Isn't
that what it is? As an action, you present your
holy symbol and speak a prayer censoring the
undead. Each undead that can see or hear you
within 30 feet of you must make a wisdom saving
throw. DC 14. Okay, so I'm just going to roll
a couple here for the groups of them. 14? three
out of the four groups are turned undead so i'd
say you are able to move forward if you're wanting
to move forward without being affected because
yeah there there's gonna be one group that's
kind of trying to shuffle past uh three other
groups that are being forced to walk away from
you so you guys want to progress forward then
through the horde of undead by forcing them to
walk away from you yes okay so as you guys progress
you hear this voice still booming above you He
goes, oh, flea stick, you cleric son of a bitch.
You think you figured out your powers down here.
He goes, you think you figured them out. He goes,
that's good, that's clever. He goes, but that
does cost you a spell slot, buddy. And then he
kind of like looks around. He goes, and me, I
don't have spell slots. And then you see the
four counterparts of you. They all kind of just
form out of the ground. And I need you all to
roll initiative as you start to fight your actual
counterparts. Good, fuck them. Oh, boy. 17 plus
four. There should be me first, one of them two,
second, and third. Okay, so do, what was yours?
21. But I had a higher base roll, so I went first.
They got a tie, so they got a roll. What's yours?
12. One plus one. Okay. And then Archie? 21.
Me and Kelly have to roll. Okay, go ahead. Two.
Four. I go third. Yay! Okay, so first up then
is Duke crystal these guys are about 30 feet
away from you they're kind of just spawned down
ahead below this giant figure in the sky and
You see them all just kind of standing in a line
and like the hooded robes just those black hoods
What would you like to do? You can tell one looks,
sorry, I'll give more of a description of them.
So you can tell one looks bigger and bulkier,
like the one that you saw come from your area.
He's jacked. Then you see another one that is
more kind of like hunched over, which would have
been the one that you saw, kind of like pretending
to be your suit thing. Then you see the proud,
stout, tall, archy -figured looking one that's
kind of standing over there, and then the smaller
female one. I am going to do some improvised
combat. Okay. Since I have a permanent sword
arm, my longbow has become quite difficult to
use. So, I will be sitting on the ground, holding
the bow at my feet, and pulling back with one
hand. Well, that works. Yeah, that works. Okay,
so go ahead and give me a longbow attack. Alright.
We're doing like a ballista. Yeah, this is a
hand ballista. We're gonna go for my dude, too.
My dude counterpart. Yeah. Okay. Let's see. Let's
see. He's about a 16, 12 plus 4. That will not
hit. Oh, that will hit. Sorry. That will hit.
That will hit. As of now. So that would be seven
damage seven damage. Yeah, okay All right So
as that arrow flies and you see him just kind
of standing there bulked out, arrow flings by
and like sticks him in the shoulder and you see
his robe fall off. And as soon as the like robe
kind of comes off of his head, he goes into this
like Power Rangers like form. And he kind of
like jumps up and he goes, I am Tratoran. He
goes, you are my counterpart and I'm yours, but
I'm going to fuck you up, buddy. And he, like,
flexes out hard. So that's who you see as you
strike him and his hood falls down. This dude's
having delusions of grandeur. He's delusional.
Next up, I think, is Ms. Muffin. It is your turn.
Oh, I wasn't listening. It's your turn. So there's
the four standing ahead of you. Duke Crystal
just neatly got down on the ground next to you
guys and pulled his longbow back with his feet
and shot it. Successfully. Yeah, and stuck that
dude and blasted his robe off. You can actually
hold it a lot steadier that way. He went Power
Rangers mode and kind of presented who he is.
So, I only have, like, close range attacks. Okay.
And what would you like to do here? And I don't
really know what these things are. They're you
guys. They're the counterparts of you guys that
you've seen in the very beginning when you were
first transported to this world. There was the
four others you changed places in. Now the big
bad has been formed these guys up for you guys
to try to fight. Alright. Basically testing you
guys. Saying like, let's do this. Let's see what
you got. So I'm going to dash all the way over
to my freaking counterpart. You're going to attack
yours? Yeah. my counterpart okay so you guys
just stab him her her sorry you know stab her
I'm gonna dagger her okay give me an attack roll
14 plus 6 or if I use my plus 1 dagger it's 14
plus 7 but that will not hit at all no so when
you come down with advantage so when you come
to strike up at uh this person actually you do
get to roll advantage because no 16 because of
your you have an ability that says if someone
hasn't taken a turn in combat you roll advantage
on your first attack towards them so yes you
can so what was your second one 16 plus 7 16
plus 7 yes that will hit okay so my plus one
dagger is my trusty lucky and it gets a slicey
dicey okay so uh basically how how i'm seeing
this go down is you have advantage so you uh
so you go to stab at this person and uh as the
blades coming in you see them kind of just standing
there in a smaller form and you see the kind
of hunched over one pull out a shield to go to
like block the damage because it can add some
ac to a person with near them goes to block the
damage but since you had advantage you rolled
again and broke through that ac yeah and stuck
them but as that happens you see the road fall
off of your counterpart and flea sticks counterpart
and flea sticks counterpart you see uh this kind
of like hunched over man and he goes this garbage
can lid was supposed to be really good and you
see him holding your garbage can shield and uh
you see your your counterpart kind of hunched
down quick and she whips out some daggers and
she goes uh You think you're going to take me
on? Let's go. Let's do this. And that kind of
gets up and starts ready to fight you. So that's
what you see from them three. Nice. Very good.
So you're up there. What is your damage? Because
you hit. My damage is 1d4 plus 5. And you were
attacking with advantage, so you'd get sneak
attack. Then you already disarmed him. So I deal
8 damage. Deal 8 damage to him, and then plus
your sneak attack damage. Because you got an
advantage when you attacked. I know but I'm trying
to read and remember what I added to that. 2d6.
I did do that, right? No. We established that
in the first episode. I have a magnet for my
shield. I think it was more like... You had,
like, magically called it back to you or something?
I don't remember, honestly. What was it? Nine
damage with my sneak attack. Okay, so eight and
nine? Yeah, eight and nine. Okay, good hits.
And then, question, do I get to disengage and
back away? You can. Okay, yeah, because I need
to get some distance from her. Actually, no.
How far can you move? What's your movement speed?
Oh, mother of all pearls. Because you ran 30
feet to get to them. 30 is the standard. You
might have 35, 40. So you could maybe get 5 feet
back. I don't remember where it's at anymore.
Usually rogues and monks can get... Walking 30
foot. So no, you cannot. So bonus action, you
can do something else, but you cannot run away
because you will not have any movement speed
to run away. So for my bonus action, what else
could I do? You could stab again with your offhand.
If you'd like. She pulled both of her blades
out. How many bonus actions did she get? One.
She doesn't have fast hands. She's the assassin
subclass. Always wearing fast hands. Did I already
move my full 30 feet? That's what you said? Yes.
So your only offhand bonus action is to be probably
stabbed. Can I use my bonus action to cloak and
go invisible? Yes. Yeah, fuck her. She doesn't
know I'm still standing there. yes you can dash
actually but you would be disengaged you'd have
to risk getting hit as you ran away I'm gonna
cloak and go invisible okay so I think all they
have to do is roll perception based off your
stealth is what it is to see if they see you
when you're visible yeah okay so roll me a stealth
check while you're invisible with advantage uh
yeah because you have advantage and stealth 18
plus six yeah you're definitely invisible and
they're kind of like what the fuck So, fucking
shit. Alright. Next up would be Archie. I'm going
to water whip young Archie. Young Archie. The
more slightly youthful Archie Ortiz. Yeah, so
give me that attack. What is it? Attack roll
and then I have to make a dex save or something?
I don't remember what it says. That just says
on a failed save. So go over to your spell. Oh,
attack slash save dex 12. 12? Okay. So I need
to make a dexterity save of 12. And you're going
after your counterpart? Yeah. Okay. That is a
19 plus 3, so... Does it do half the damage on
save, or is it just nothing? I think it's just...
I think Water Whip does damage and, like, pulls
them. The creature takes half as much damage
and you don't knock or okay. So yeah, you still
roll your damage and I'll take half of it Three
for a water with the flying saucer Um, three.
Oh. Oh, that's ten, though, man. Zero's ten,
yeah. So, thirteen. And, um, seventeen. So, seventeen
divided by two, so eight. Eight damage. Damn
it, I was trying to pull him to me, and I had
a freaking unarmed strike him in the face. Take
him out. Take my music back. Okay, so decent
hits. Decent hits. Not bad, not horrible. I'm
hoping to finish off my dude because he doesn't
have any of my equipment. Lucky me. Who was that?
You three. So next up is Archie Ortiz's counterpart.
You see as you kind of hit him with this whip
and flip his hood off, you see this bald man.
He's very just like... Gives a full kung fu stance.
He kind of... looks around he's gonna have to
make a perception check i guess because you know
he saw a little girl walk up a little woman walk
up he fails horribly because that was not anything
so uh that means he doesn't see the invisible
chick next to him and is going to move forward
to attack archie uh so this dude is going to
throw some absolute hands at you so he makes
an unarmed attack first because he's stupid that's
eight plus five what is your ac 16. okay so that
misses second attack you see him kind of like
jab and then he pulls back his fist and it lights
on fire and he's gonna come hitting you with
a fire jab 14 plus five i don't think that's
fair yeah that one i hit oh wait what is that
how can you put a section if you miss your first
he gets a multi -attack that guy um so one time
okay all right that was horrible what happened
my dice catastrophe You take no damage. Yay.
Okay, so you take five bludgeoning damage and
four fire damage. What the fuck? Plus three.
Three more on top of all that? Yeah, so the first
one was plus three, sorry. And then the extra
fire damage. And you now have a concussion. So
how much in total? What was it? Five plus three.
Yeah, and then four fire damage. See if it works.
Sixteen? Yeah, sure. Oh, no. I think so. I wasn't
keeping up. So I have... Five plus three. Six,
seven, eight. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Oh,
twelve. Twelve. Yeah, twelve. Twelve total damage.
Plus five. You got punched, Dean. Fire jabbed
him. Okay, so that was his turn. Next up is...
Kelly's counter... Miss Muffin's counterpart.
Miss Muffin. So, her attacks... Let me see here.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, baby. No. Oh, her passive
perception. Okay, so yeah, Kelly your status
miss muffin kind of are invisible like you think
around and you feel a hand on your shoulder Kind
of spin you around and it's all you're all counterpart.
Look at you in the fucking invisible face so
Okay, that is a short sword attack it's actually
not dagger Yeah, it's a big dagger ten plus seven
That's a 17 that's a hit yeah, okay, so One is
six plus four. One plus four damage. You got
lucky with that one. Okay, and also make me a
DC Constitution saving throw. Or, make me a Constitution
saving throw. DC 13. Five plus three? Five. Ooh,
big fail. Okay, so. As this blade kind of comes
down. Gets you a slice. She kind of turns around
and does that, like, folds her arms and just
looks away from you as you feel this poison that
was on her blade start to seep into you and do
some extra fucking damage. Okay. That is four
and five poison damage dealt to you as well.
Good thing your cat's not here to see this. Okay.
That is her turn. She when she turns around across
his arm she goes uh she looks at her shoulder
and she goes remember it's aren't Rick that Stabbed
you and gave you the poison and just kind of
still faces away. I'm Rick. I'm Rick. I'm Rick
Ernie Ernie Ernie Ernie Ernie Okay, so next up
is geez who is this one Oh flea sticks counterpart
He look at his attacks here trash his name he
turns he goes ah it's growl minster and Let's
see century century light He's going to target
flea stick of course and he's going to use a
censoring light That is horrible two plus six
Freeze makes two censoring lights attacks. Okay,
so he does it twice 17 plus six, you know that
one that one will hit See that is a 1d 1d 10
of radiant payment for Radiant damage yellow
I'm down again But you're down yeah Hell yeah!
That's what I want. I mean, next up is... Felicity.
That means make me a death saving throw. You
failed it. So that is one fail. Next up is...
Duke's counterpart, Tratoran. This motherfucker's
ready to throw hands. He kind of points out at
Duke, and he goes, You think you're a big man?
He goes, I'm a big man. And takes off sprinting
at you. He is going to use his multi -attacks,
and I made it known that he was not using his
shield, so that's a great axe. Multi -attack?
Yes. 13 plus 6. 13 plus 6? Yeah. Yeah, I couldn't
remember if it was 17 or not. Okay, so the first
one we'll hit. Let's see what that is. Okay,
that is 6. Plus three damage from his great axe
And then he makes oh he does not unless it's
raging okay, so yeah, it's always got right now
Well, I guess you know what? He's going to enter
a fucking rage. Oh my god Yeah, he's gonna go
into a rage Barbarian enters the last rage for
one minute and he has to attack. Okay. So yeah,
he's raging with his bonus action. Does he have
the sword? Huh? Does he have the sword? No. He's
got his own weapons. He's got a raging bonus.
He has none of my equipment. A raging bonus!
He has a raging bonus going on. Archie! Okay,
next up is... I think we're back at the top of
the round. So Duke, you got big boy Tratoran
right in your face. Slice that motherfucking
neck. Yes, I'm a reckless attack my kind of reckless
attack dark rates one he's got it too, so 13
plus 8 so 21 21 and 15 plus 8 Was that wait,
what was that for just advantage, right? Yeah,
I thought you're attacking point has advantage
against me next next time. So yeah, you definitely
hit Six fifteen damage fifteen damage to him.
Yes, okay see you That is enough to you so you
get back what we want Was it at one before one
before yeah, I think it was d4 of health back
so go for it cuz you hit just take your first
river the d4 with a One health back. I hate that
guy. And my bonus action. I'm going to drink
a potion of healing. Smart. I thought you were
going to rage. I was like, oh, yes. Bring the
health back. Okay. That would be your turn. So
next up is Miss Muffin. Your turn. Okay. You
are fighting your counterpart. Saw you. Broke
your cloak. Yeah, and infected me with something.
Poison. So... Okay, so how close am I to her?
You're right up against the base. She didn't,
she didn't, she's still right there. Yeah, she
turned around and was just kind of like, fuck
you, bitch. Letting the poison do its work. So,
I'm going to try and dagger her up. Okay, roll
the disadvantage. Because that's all I can do.
Because you are poisoned. Oh, wow. 3 plus 7.
That will not hit, I'm assuming. Yeah, that one.
3 plus 7? That will not hit. Anything else? I
can offhand dagger her with my other one. You
can disengage and run if you want. Because you
got your full movement speed now. It's your new
turn. I would listen to that advice and disengage
and run away from her. So disengage and do full
30 feet? What are you doing? Just hauling ass?
Yeah, hauling ass away from her. Just running.
I'm poisoned. She's gonna kill me. Alright, so
you do that and you move your ass away from her.
So, next up is Archie. He's in your face too
because he ran over there and fire jabbed you.
I'm gonna pop a... I'm gonna pop a potion of
greater healing. Okay. Is that a 4d4 plus 4?
Yeah. Okay. 3. 3. 1, so 4. 6. 7. Ow. 7 plus 4?
7 plus 4? Alright. Good shit. You still got your
action. 11 and then plus 4 on top of that. Because
this is 44 plus 4. Okay. So, 15. Word. Awesome.
And, hold on, let me remove this. And his magnate,
you know. Nice. And then I'm going to bonus action,
punch him in the face. Main action. Main action,
punch him in the face. Oh, really? Yeah. Bonus
action for your potion. Okay, bet. So yeah, it's
just normal. Are you going to hit him? I'm going
to mace him. 14 plus 8. 14 plus 8. That will
hit. His AC is not incredible. It's unarmored.
Aw. 8 damage. 8 damage. Get maced, bitch. Okay.
All right next up please is no Archie's counterpart
your bonus for bonus so Yeah, good thing because
he's going to give you a boxy again Yeah, same
thing multitask so I'm strike that is a diagonal
roll as a net one buddy So I'm going to say with
that, he's not going to make his second attack.
So he just goes to throw, blows a shoulder out.
He's like, ooh, got to pop that back in. Yeah,
who's the young one? I didn't take all his youth.
And he has to pop his shoulder back in and loses
his second attack. So then next up is... Erniek.
Erniek. I don't remember how to say it. You work
out a part of this, Muffin. Einrich. Okay, so
Her attack on you is going to be you ran away
so she's going to make two hand crossbow attacks
that you should run away from her That's a 17
Plus 7 to hit the first one and the second one
will not hit so First one is gonna do 1d 6 plus
4 Well, what if I sense that she's doing it and
maybe I dodge it while I'm running? Yeah, you'll
sense it when it's dead. If you had evasion or
something, you could, yeah, but you don't. So
that's two plus four piercing damage is the hand
crossbow. One of them comes flinging and hits
you in the shoulder and the other one misses
over your head. It's always my shoulder! How
much damage? Two plus four. Six. Six damage.
Wow, I need to heal. Damage. Damage. Okay. How
proper. I'm going to keep the bug into my shoulder.
Next up is Grauman. Grauman. Sleigh sticks, sock
jellies. Still kind of standing farther back
and using its spells. So let's see here. Okay,
so Grauman, seeing his counterpart fall, you
know, what he wanted to happen. He kind of looks
around. He goes, who do I attack next? He goes,
that one looks awfully strong. And points at
you, Duke. And he's going to use the spell Banishment.
So. On your Gooch Pouch. You need to make a Charisma
saving throw. You need to make a Charisma saving
throw. Charisma? Yes. It's a weird one. Charisma?
Yes. It's a weird one. 13. You fail my friend
So he kind of points at you and he goes banish
and you so just disappear kind of existence for
a good moment For the time being You just go
to a harmless it says a harmless cabin in the
woods you're just incapacitated into a harmless
dimmy plane where you just You the target remains
there until the spell ends at which point the
target reappears in the space it left or the
nearest unoccupied space in my frozen Yeah, you're
just, yeah, you're, I mean, you're just, you're
there. You're just banished to another plane
of disexistence. Can I use rage while I'm there?
I mean, sure. You could, I guess. How long was
it while I was stuck there? One minute, or until
this concentration fails. So someone has to hit
him and make him fail concentration. I'll wait
then. Okay, so that was his turn. He's going
to use that, and that's it. He can only use that
once a day, so that's it to banish. Next up would
be flea sticks. I need to make another death
saving throw. That was a coward's way to fight
me. Hey good shit success. All right now it is
Triton's turn Duke's counterpart He's like standing
there jacked out like raging ready to fight and
Duke just goes just disappears from existence.
He's a Go where'd you go? I turned around and
starts like looking around for a second and I
guess is gonna go attack Archie Because you guys
have to currently it's only you and his puppet
Yeah, um that is hey fucking 19 plus see you
toward so yeah Well, it might be too late so
19 plus so it comes in real fast. It's a big
sword sword I Grab the guys where it's not sweet.
It's at a seven damage plus three with his great
axe Oh, he's raging, so he gets to attack again.
Okay. That's a nat 20. Oh my god. You're trying
to kill us. He is. Now he just hit you with a
crit again. Awesome. He's doing double damage
this time. That's a 3 and 2. I'll kill myself.
Plus 3. So 3 and 2 plus double damage. Wow, back
down to where I was before I took that. Good
thing you took that potion of healing, because
that would have... Fuck you up, buddy. Looks
like I'm taking another one. Apparently he took
his anger of me disappearing out on you. He was
like, I'm stronger if you butt -chug it. That
was the end of the round, so we're back up to
Duke, but you are suspended and lost. A demiplane.
It's me. It's Miss Muffin's turn. And Miss Muffin's
like, oh, I'm so scared. I don't know what to
do. You did disengage and run. So you're currently
not in any combat. So you have the full free
reign. What's your best attack? Miss Muffin pulls
the freaking arrow out of her shoulder. Straight
through. Straight through. Okay. All right. And
now she just fucking sees if she can just hand
throw it as hard as she can. Like a dart, right
at it. Are you throwing it at the one that's
concentrating the spell on Duke, or are you throwing
it at yours, or are you throwing it at... The
one that's concentrating the spell on Duke, actually,
yeah. Okay, so give me a dexterity roll, because
I think that's how we'd do this if you were just
throwing ranged weapons. Strength, because you're
finessing it. With advantage? Be like a dagger.
No. Not with advantage. Did you miss? What'd
you get? Two plus four. No, you missed. You just
threw an arrow at somebody. A bloody arrow. Did
it at least break his concentration? No, it didn't
hit him. But did he look at it and get scared?
I have bonus action. I have bonus action. Okay,
what do you want to do? Okay, so... Pick it back
up and she said I pulled rib out of my chin offhand
attack him or if you want to throw something
else You can do something else. I was gonna say
I'm gonna look and see if I have something else
I can she said I bite off my finger Oh Man I
also need to heal his necro balls You're still
down, aren't you? Someone needs to heal him.
He's unconscious. He has, like, what, two turns
left before it's over? Or one more? I was gonna
get you up, but I am... He's failed one and saved
one. Me and my nine healing potions are in the
banishment realm right now. I don't know what
to do now. There's too many options. I mean,
there is, but it's just a point of which seems
like your best option. Possibly saving Duke,
bringing him back. You want to revive? What's
his face with a potion? What's his face? Flea
Stick. I say bring him back. Can Flea Stick revive
himself with the potion? He's unconscious. He's
down. Okay, so I'm going to bring Flea Stick
back then because he's going to be the first
to die. You can come back when your turn's up.
I'm safe for ten turns. I'm just sitting there
waiting like a Terminator for the right data
spawn. Can I give him a potion of greater healing
because I still have four of those. What is that?
4d4. I'll let you do that. I really don't know
how the rules work, but I'd say that works because
that's the only thing I can think of that makes
sense to bring somebody back. So is that all
my actions? Yes. Shite. Four, so nine. Ten, so
ten. Fourteen. Fourteen? Yeah. Yay, you're not
dead no more. What's your health? I'm at zero.
Zero, so yeah. Oh, good. I didn't know how to
put you up. Yeah, you would have died. No, thank
you. When it gets real rough, you don't have
healing supplies. You just give up a one. Yep,
I give up a one of them. All right, that means
it's yours, Archie. Healing again. Yeah, I'm
done. Healing. Two. Four. Six. Eight. Who do
we appreciate? Your mama. So, eight. Twelve.
And, yeah, twelve. Twelve plus four. Plus four,
so sixteen. Another good heal. Damn! Wanna keep
you alive one more turn? Tomorrow's his birthday.
Okay. Love Nat taking it easy. You still got
your action, yeah. Is it finally my turn? No.
Okay. All right, now I'm going to mace that big
motherfucker that came up on me. His counterpart.
Yeah, go for it. Mace him. Break down concentration.
17. Oh, yeah. Yay! He did get this. He got this.
Yeah, plus stuff. Alright, 6 plus 6, 12 damage.
12 damage to the fat head. Hey, that's my head.
Crack him up a little bit. What was it? Um, 12.
12 damage? Yeah. I was gonna say, he said he'll
crack him up a little bit. What'd you think?
Alright. Good deal. Good deal. Next up would
be... It's your counterpart, Urbana, so he's
going to... You're being jumped by both of them,
so he's going to attack you. Bring it. 12 plus
5. And say yeah, that'll hit. 4 plus 3 damage.
Jesus. And then his second strike. It's just
a normal unarm. 20. Nat, I got the ongsy. Again.
That's another nat 20 with this guy. Okay, so
that's double damage with this. Not good. DC's
not good. 4. And max 8 and 4 plus 3. 15 damage.
Oh, in all? Yeah, with the double damage, yeah.
15 in all. Even the seven that you already did
to me? Oh, no. Oh, 15 added. So seven and 15.
Yeah, that's the second attack was crit. Okay,
I'm dead. Unconscious. This is what we needed.
This fucking sucks. Shouldn't have swung on it.
It should have ran. It ran away. It's a monster.
Now you see what our enemy's been through when
they fight me. That was my dude that killed me.
Oh, was it? Yeah. Oh, gosh. We're all devils.
Okay, so that means... They all have multi -attack,
which is bullshit. Okay, so this thing she is
going to hide and wait So at this point there's
not much I can else to do Ten oh my god, so 20
yeah, so I'm not they're all really I see her
She kind of gets into the white boy just lays
down lays down flat but let's see what she's
hiding that means next up is growling all right
so this guy is gonna do let's see here bless
that sounds like a good thing that they can do
bless you when you sneeze and i believe sometimes
three creatures of you within your range so that'll
be all three of them will get bliss Which adds
a d4 to the number they attack. Okay, cool. Cool.
Cool. Alright, so that's that. Next up would
be flea sticks. Make a death saving throw. Oh
yeah, your heal. Dead is your turn then. Sorry.
Forgot. You're not dead. I'm gonna do Guiding
Bolt on Growl. Growlman? On Growl? Growlman?
Growl? Alright. Smoking. Guiding Bolt. 17 plus...
17! Oh yeah, that'll hit. 6. Definitely. The
AC's not high for this one. Alright, so that
is... Actually. Actually. No actuallys. Presume?
What? No. 2. 3. 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. 11 damage.
Is it plus anything? It's radiant damage. Yeah,
probably not. So what is it, 11 damage? So 11
to him. That's the first damage you guys have
done. And the next roll made against the target
before the end of your next turn has advantage.
Yes. So that means he has to make a save under
11 because it's either under 10 or is it half
the damage or something? He fails. You got a
two. As he's concentrating, he goes, and you
just see Duke pop back up into existence. Nice.
Into the area. So, good job. Now you've got Flea
Stick back, you've got Duke back, but we've lost
our team. I'm going to take a potion of healing.
Okay, go for it. Heal. Heal. Alright, so that'll
be your turn then. So then we'll go to the next,
which is... Tretoran. So the raging Tretoran
kind of sees his counterpart go pop back up.
He goes, you! Yeah! And then he goes to turn
around and runs towards you because he's in a
blind rage, which actually, I already said it.
So make an attack of opportunity, Archie. I'm
down. I'm unconscious. Oh, haha, never mind.
Because you were fighting him, so. I guess he's
not going to get an opportunity to attack, he's
just going to run at you in a mindless rage and
try to attack you. With his axe. I tried. That
is a 15 plus 6. That will hit. That is 6 plus
3 damage to you with the greataxe. Oh, he's going
to multi -attack because he's raging. I forgot.
That's a 12 plus 6. That is 11. 11 plus 3 with
that one. Big boy strike. Then that takes us
back to the top of the round, though. So it's
you, Duke. Top of the morning to you. Top of
the morning. Yep, I might do another Reckless
Attack and Donkey Punch all full with the Dark
Greatsword again. Alright. That's a must. Give
it to him. Donkey Punch. That's a 19 plus 8.
Oh yeah. We'll just do the 19. Alright, let's
see here. 46 plus 6, 6, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 15. 19
plus 6? Yes. So 24 damage to him? Yes. That's
a lot of damage. D4 health bar? Yeah. 24? You
did 24? Yes. So yeah, you cleave and hack and
whack and... Jerk this guy Like this little the
visage of him is starting to like fade and slice
through and he's getting less and less Transparency
his opacity is so his capacity is lessening Was
that all your turns? We're all gonna use a bonus
action to you real quick In the next round, I'll
try and get you up with potion Okay, so that
would be Ms. Muffin next. Ms. Muffin is going
to give Archie healing potion. Okay. Word? Of
greater. Of greater. Of greater. Thank you. You're
welcome, old ass. Old ass. Wow. Okay, you still
have your main action, Kelly. Ms. Muffin, Kelly.
Playing Ms. Muffin. Three. Where is my counterpart?
Remind me where her belt is. Give me a perception
check and maybe you'll find out. One of the best
perception checks you've ever rolled because
she rolled extremely high on her stealth. She's
laying flat on the ground, invisible. With advantage?
No. Nine? No. That was your perception check
so yeah, you did not see her. So what do you
do? Go invisible. Yeah. Okay. Give me a stealth
check. maybe they'll bump into each other okay
so you go to go invisible and with a nat 20 since
there's nothing special i can really do for you
going invisible yeah you go to nat 20 invisible
and you go to lay down on the ground and you
literally just feel like a bump and you're just
like on like a little speed bump on the ground
and you just go get off me and she like pushes
you up and you kind of rolled off for her invisible
so you did see her uh hiding on the ground you
found her um okay does that mean she can still
attack Who? Miss Muffin? No, she used her action
to go invisible. She knows I laid on top of her,
but she doesn't know where I went. You just put
her in a chokehold. You don't know where she
went either. Shut up. Shut up, Duke Grizzle.
Okay, so... Next up is Archie. Okay, slightly
younger Archie. Time to get fucked up. Slightly
younger Archie. Time to get mazed, bitch. He
looks a lot more younger. 16. 16 for slightly
younger Archie? Yes. Just barely, but yes. Oh,
12 damage to that motherfucker. Good hit. And
then as my bonus action, I probably should take
another Potion of Healing because he's probably
going to kill me again. Good thing I haven't
stopped when you guys left. Did you say 12 damage?
Yeah. 27. Oh, I shouldn't say that out loud.
27 what? 27 is how much health he has left. Okay,
unarmed attacks, how are you doing? No, I'm doing...
Oh, healing potion. Okay, so then we'll just
go on to... 11... Please stay. So next up is
your counterpart I'm maxed out baby. So he is
going to do his multi attack and this time he
is going To fail, fall on his butt crack. Is
that a fucking odyssey? That is an odyssey. You
motherfucker! You motherfucker! Okay, good thing
it was his first attack though That is one And
11, so 12 plus 3 damage. And he's going to make
his second attack with the fire jab this time.
14 plus 5. That will hit, I believe. Okay, so
that is 5 plus 3 bludgeoning. 8, and then 3 fire
damage. Spirit of a monk I'm over here sweating.
Yeah, that's how I worked up. That's it. Okay
The hiding assassin she is going to Everybody's
up. Everybody's out. Everybody's fighting. She's
going to... I'm going to roll something here
and see who she's going to attack. A 1. So...
You're hidden with a nat 20. She don't see. Ha
ha! She sees you, you motherfucker. Okay, so...
You just rolled really high on her perception.
No! Okay, so... Yeah, you can't hide from this
motherfucker. You can't hide from her. Yeah,
I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. So... She's
going to make her short sword attack on you.
That sucks. Yeah. Five plus seven? Fifteen. Huh?
Oh. I was like, no, it's twelve. And then another
short sword attack. Oh, wait. No, never mind.
She does not. Okay, so that was it. Good. Does
not hit. She whiffs it. She's bothered. Growlmon
is that one's turn. Get his stuff here. Okay,
so they are blessed. I forgot about that shit
Looks like censoring light is gonna go at his
counterpart please take Nine plus six So two
of those so eleven plus six Okay, misses. Flames
just shoot past you and this thing misses both
of them because it whiffs. Looks like you guys
are getting a second wind now. Coming back. Now
it's your turn, Archie. Or, Flea Stick. Alright.
I'm going to use Guiding Bolt. On... Who? The
counterpart or another one? I'm gonna use it
on Archie's counterpart. His left is... Yeah,
just... Right on the left. Straight through his
P -hole. Okay. Give me your attack rolls at his
P -hole. His P -hole's done. 16 plus 6, so 22
or something. 22? I believe so. Jesus, yeah.
His P -hole's done for. His P -hole's belatorated.
No more ping for you. Okay, give me your guiding
ball attack. It's not in the hole. 4D6. It's
opacic. 6. 4D6. Just 4D6. 6. So... 10. Another
4. Another 4. 14. And 5. So, 19 damage. Nice.
Good hit. Iron for my... Bonus action. I am going
to cast my spiritual weapon. Okay. Is that going
to be your shield? I'm going to... Look like
the shield, or is it going to be something else?
Rub it in his face. You have a spiritual shield
as well. Yeah, I'm just going to get a shield.
Okay. With serrated edges. Okay, it's the sharpened
garbage can lid. Yeah, and I'm going to move
it within five foot of... And we'll just say
Archie's counterpart. Okay, good. And then I
am... I'm going to attack. You did catty bolt.
No, when I summon it within five feet of the
creature, I attack. Go ahead. Uh, 17. On the
monk? That's what he said? On Archie's counterpart?
Yep. Okay. So, 1d8 plus 6. So, 8 plus 6. What
is that? 8 plus 6. 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.
14 damage? Yeah. Good shit, dog. That bitch is
dead. Not dead, but hurting. That's for sure.
Okay. Um, that was you. Uh -oh. Next up is Tratorn.
The Duke counterpart. He can suck my ass. Which
is on Duke, so... Hey, suck my ass, boy. Suck
my ass. He is going to multi -attack as he's
still aging. Suck my ass. Seven plus six. Nah.
No. Eight plus six. Nah. He whiffs. He's hurt
bad, so the blood's in his eyes. That would bring
us back to the top of the round. It's you, Duke.
I can taste his blood in my mouth. Okay. You
know the routine. Reckless attack. Oh, he should
have had advantage on you. Too bad. So, nine
plus eight. A little 17. That'll be one more.
11 plus 8. Yes. Okay. 4. 5. 10. 13 plus 6. 19
damage. 19. Did we change it to d6? Is that what
it was? It's 4d6. 4d6, yeah. Instead of d8. So
16 damage, are you saying? Yes. Okay, so... Is
that a d4 worth of health? Yes. So you... he's
kind of he swings at you with those misses and
then you come back immediately and you just kind
of swinging the sword through him and his visage
just starts fading and tearing apart and then
it starts to just fade and disappear you see
his uh his entity just kind of who's he's out
for that okay next up me where do you got anything
else because that was just your main attack i
didn't know if you were doing anything else Let's
see. Do one more healing potion. Okay. Then it
is you next, Ms. Muffin. Alrighty. Where is this
bitch? You guys are right up on each other. Because
you saw her try to stab her in the wrist. I think
is what happened last time. Or she rolled and
saw you and tried to stab you in the wrist. Yeah.
She spotted you. Good, good perception roll.
So I'm going to stab her with my dagger dagger.
Okay, do it. Dagger dagger. With advantage. Nat
20. Why do you have advantage? Plus one dagger.
That doesn't mean advantage. That means you get
a plus one to the roll. What was your first roll?
Actually, yes because you didn't kill hazel You
that's that's that's inspiration. You didn't
kill your cat. You didn't try you didn't stab
her. So yeah, you do have inspiration Which means
you can choose to use something to roll an advantage.
Like I just did and get a 20. Okay, sure, whatever.
I'll let you do it because, yeah, that's your
inspiration. It's gone. You don't have it anymore.
Yeah, nat 20 to dagger and murder this bitch.
Go for it. Slice and dice her neck right off.
You gotta roll damage. That's not your damage.
No, I'm confused. You're about to get elbow dropped.
About to get it. Disqualification. Double damage.
So roll twice. Yeah, is this your first time?
Four and what? Numbers. Nine. Nine damage. What
was your first roll? I rolled two twos, so that's
four plus five. Four plus five, so nine damage?
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow, she's so dead.
Wow. She's not dead. Stink shank. Bleeding out
of her ghostly form. A bang bang, a skee skee.
Archie. Archie, take two. Why? Yeah, it's your
turn, Archie. Oh, gosh. Oh, yeah. Anyway, healing.
Anyway. Oh, I forgot to heal. Should I even heal?
I don't even know if it's worth it. Shit, just
a bonus action twice. Or, not a bonus action
twice, but hit him and then hit him again. Anyway,
I'm going to mace him. Right in the face. Right
in the face, Crocky. Right in the face, Crocky.
Crocky! Because it's gonna be friggin' 12. 12
to hit? Which one were you trying to hit? The
mug? No. The counterpart? Yeah. 12? No. Womp
womp. I don't know why I didn't check. So, bonus
actions? Heal or something else? Run away? You
can't? No, you can't. No, I can't? She can because
she's the one who gets her specialties. Yeah,
I'm sneaky. All right, well, fuck it. Just fart
on him. I'm going to punch him in the face. That
don't work. Just fart on him. You're so old,
your fart's so dusty, he won't want to be around
you. They're all silent, but not all dead. 20.
Wanting to hit? Mm -hmm. Nice. Nat 20 or? No.
Okay. No. I rolled, like, four of them. Ten.
Ten damage. Okay. With advantage? No. That's
with advantage, actually, because I said that.
I actually get two attack rolls. Okay, so next
up is... And I'm dying. Not you, so... Please,
Dick's counterpart. It's Archie's counterpart,
Urbanus. Was close this time which means multi
-tech to you Which means dead? Do you really
think it's okay he did take your vitality He
did he took all your you better you better be
every Nat 20 that you could get and took it for
himself You lost more than you know Okay It's
on a quantum level. He's got your nose one plus
three Six and one. So seven plus three. And unconscious.
Unconscious? Okay. I guess he doesn't need to
do his other attack then. And you're dead. Okay.
Your face is like a one -step mess. Yeah, he
kind of decks you in the mouth. He goes, yeah,
your youth is what I needed. Starts taking more.
It is Palpatine style. Miss Muffin's counterpart.
It's your turn, her turn, to stab you. What's
her name? I forgot. Ernique. Oh yeah, Ernick.
Ernick. Erna Scared Stupid. And she's going to
make her short sword attack. That's a 16 plus
7. Tell me it hits. It totally doesn't. Okay,
that's 1d... Six plus four, that is a six plus
four damage. Six plus four damage? Ten damage?
Oh. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Jesus, oh. So, um, I'm dead.
You're down? Good, okay. Next up is Grauman.
He's going to continue his censoring light to
send at you, Flea Stick. Sixteen plus... I think
it hits either way. Plus six, yeah. Yeah. Radiant.
Four. Oh, wait, no. Yeah, four damage. It doesn't
do anything else. Oh. Yeah. You got lucky. Wait,
no, he does make it twice. It's multi -tap, yeah.
So, twelve plus six. That's the damage? No, that's
the next attack. Yeah, you're good. Seven. Magic's
flying in the air tonight! Now it's your turn.
Please take. Alright. We're all still alive out
there. The only one down is Duke Crystal's counterpart,
Tratorn. He has faded away. From... I am going
to do guiding note to my counterpart. Okay. Give
it to me. 12 plus 6? Yes. 18? Yes. Big yes. Word.
Big hits. You guys are fucking just throwing
magic back and forth. And then my spiritual weapon
comes up. Oh, shit. Are you going to hit? Is
it still on? I'm just going to hit Archie's kind
of part. All right. Try to kill that bastard.
He's my next target. Twelve. Twelve to hit. Ooh,
I don't think that will hit. That will not hit.
Okay, next up is oh, he's dead nevermind or it's
gone Duke crystal Archie's counterport. Okay,
then our bonds. Yes Reckless time, okay 17 plus
8 10 plus 8. So yeah, I think that's 17 Your
sword tears through another ghostly visit last
before his soul It felt good. Very nice. Okay,
next up is Miss Muffet. Miss Muffet's going to
use a potion of healing greater. I thought you
were unconscious. Huh? I thought you were unconscious.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, wait. Yeah, I'm
going to have to use a saving throw first, actually.
Oh, yeah, you were unconscious. So, yeah. Give
me a saving throw. Which is? Wonk, wonk. Oh,
I didn't know you were unconscious. A d20? Yeah,
d20. Is this all you need? Wow. With advantage?
No. No. That's not how it works. She failed now.
Nat won. Failed. That one? That's a double. That's
a double fail. That's two failed. If you fail
one more time, you're permanent. I got you. You
have two failures. Let's see what I get. So do
I just wait? Wait, did you already have a fail
before now? No. Someone asked you if they're
healing you and get you up? Don't let me die!
Yeah, you have to either save yourself or someone
has to get you up. Okay, right now. Uh, Archie,
your turn. Yes, I'm going to die. Oh, what's
the chances I look like I'm out of potions? Oh,
baby, it's a 15. Very nice. Condition well. On
to the next one. I'm sorry. What? I got 15, so
I'm good. 15? You missed? No. Wait. I had a...
Oh, you healed? Yeah. I'm unconscious. I rolled
a 15, so I saved. Oh, you're down two. Yeah.
I forgot. Shit. Okay, so... You saved. Alright.
Uh, fuck. That's right. My fuck up. Um... That
one's out, so he's not next. Just need to roll
a nat 20 next time. Next is Miss Muffin's counterpart.
I believe she's still on Miss Muffin. Oh, wait.
Oh, Miss Muffin's down. So, what happened to
this lady? I don't remember where she went. Well,
Miss Muffin's down, so she's going to attack
either one of you two. Let's see here. You're
going to attack Flea Steak. I'm going to shoot
a hand crossbow at you because you're further
back. God. 11 plus 7. That will hit. Barely.
4 plus 4. And... I need you to make a constitution
saving throw. DC 13. I think we know why. 14.
DC 4. Oh, you got 14? Yeah. Oh, you just barely
passed it. So the poison doesn't seep in. Nice.
And it does not recharge either, so she doesn't
have to poison anymore. So... Next up is... Growlmon.
But do you know what he's gonna do? Censoring
Light at Duke. Yeah, he's gonna hit Duke this
time. Eight. Fucking shit. Oh, God. Eight plus
six. No. Ten plus six. Okay, he misses with some
both. Alright, next up is flea stick. It's your
go. Alright. I take a potion of greater healing.
Okay. Seven. Yep. Plus four. So 11. And... One
second. Who wants down? Both of them. Kelly's
about to die, though. She's got one failed save
left. I'm going to go give her a potion of greater
healing. You just used one. That's how that works?
So you can do, like, cure wounds. Yeah, I think
you have a cure wounds versus an action. Not
a bonus action. Touch her. 1d8 plus your spellcasting
modifier. 1d8 plus your spellcasting. Do I gotta
roll for that? Yeah, you roll 1d8. No, just roll
the d8. It just happens. You just heal her with
your hands. Just roll it for how much healing?
Yeah, how much you're going to give her. So,
8 plus 6. 8 plus 6? Yeah. That's how much health
you get back. 12. No, 14. Or 14, no. I don't
know. I'm not doing it. I counted. I added 14.
Does that end my turn? Yes. Good use of the turn.
Now Kelly won't die. I know the sweat was going
down the butt crack there. Okay. Good job. He's
dead. Okay, back to the top. Duke. You got hit
with a fire blast censoring light from the counterpart.
The little rat with the poison sword still visible?
Yes. I'm going to cut him down like Jason Voorhees
in this bitch. Go for it. Reckless attempt. I'm
sure it will work. 11 plus 8. 11 plus 8? Yes.
And that was 8 plus 8. I'm sure the 11 plus 8
hit. Yeah. 6. 5. Yeah, you wisp away another
another ghostly visit as you see the counterpart
kind of screams you as you fucking And then the
last one standing is growling and you see him
just kind of stand there by himself like oh fuck
Yeah, it turns around like looks at the sky.
He's like hey like pull me out Pull me out. Pull
me out. Because you all start kind of like slow
walking towards him. And he's like, okay, guys,
listen. I'm a healer. He's like, I heal the bad
guys. I heal them. And he just takes off sprinting.
He tries to run. And the big voice kind of booms
over everything. And he goes, he's like, you
hear the clapping. He's like, good job. You killed
some forms of them. He goes, that's better than
I thought you would do. He goes, you guys survived,
and that's cool. He goes, but honestly. fuck
all of you for doing this. He goes, because now
I'm just going to have to make them stronger.
And you see this like big form of this guy in
the sky and he goes, but you survived. He goes,
so here's your info, I guess. And kind of just
fucking fades away and you see like the white
and the letters start coming down again like
in this Star Wars -esque style. And it basically
tells you guys that there are more scrolls like
this one that you must find to connect all of
these together to open a portal back to your
world. Oh my god. How many more? We're going
to have a lot of battles. So, you have multiple
scrolls that you need to find. There's a PS note.
And there's a PS note that says this is the first
of four, so you have three more that you need
to find. This episode of Dummies with Dice features
Kelly Lee as Miss Muffin, Nate Chambers as Duke
Crystal, Ryan Hart as Archie Ortiz, Ryan Tucker
as Flea Stick Sock Jelly, and Tristan Hayes as
the DM. The episode is edited and mixed by Tristan
Hayes. The artwork for Dummies with Dice, created
by Al Sorensen, can be found on Instagram under
A -R -C -S -I -0. The theme song is The Intense
Fiddle by Ben Caldera. When it comes to Dummies
with Dice, you can find our website on rss .com
slash podcast slash Dummies with Dice and on
Facebook at Dummies with Dice. Most importantly,
join our Patreon at patreon .com slash Dummies
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